Hey, girl. Are you a fire alarm

Because you're annoying and wont shut up

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A husband comes home to his wife after being fired from the pickle factory...

His wife asks him "So what happened?"

The husband explains "I often get bored at work and today my mind was wandering and I thought to myself 'what would happen if I stuck my penis inside the pickle slicer?'"

The wife is clearly blind-sided by this confession and doesn't know what to s...

Three men were about to be executed by the firing squad.

The first man was brought forward and before they could shoot him he yelled "avalanche"! The firing squad panicked and in the confusion, the man jumped over the wall and into freedom before the firing squad could regroup.

The second man thought what the first man did was clever and when he wa...

What's the difference between a Texas energy company and a Dumpster Fire?

A Dumpster Fire creates affordable light and heat.

There was a fire at the Goodwill yesterday

A person died of second-hand smoke

I got a job at the bank but I got fired!

An old lady asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

I got fired from my job as a masseur.

There wasn't any specific incident, apparently I just rub people the wrong way.

I went to the shooting range for the first time and couldn’t get my gun to fire.

Now I have to read the trouble shooting section in the manual.

It has been 2 years and still nobody knows why Notre Dame caught fire....

...but Quasimodo has a hunch.

So I got arrested for wasting the "precious time", of my local fire brigade, yesterday.

Apparently, it's now considered a "nuisance call", if you ring 999, a few times in the space of an hour, begging them to help get your beloved, 18 year old family pet, safely down from your neighbour's tree.


OK, I get it;

"My parrot's stuck in a tree, send someone to help",
...

If H2O is on the inside of a fire hydrant, what’s on the outside?

K9P

I got fired from McDonald's for constantly eating what was in front of me

And I got fired from the gynecologist for the same reason

Was just thinking that if I shaved and shined my scalp and stood out in the sun, I could blind passersby or start a fire.

Just some random reflections off the top of my head.

Got fired from my new job at the dairy factory for making 1% milk the wrong way...

...instead of following the directions exactly, I just skimmed them.

Why did Eminem get fired from his job as a bartender?

He kept telling people “You only get one shot”

I got fired from work today

I don't know why, I didn't even do anything.

Did you hear about the Jockey that got fired for not pay attention to his job?

Everyone got tired of his horsing around!

Have you guys heard of the huge fire at the shoe factory?

10,000 soles were lost. The police said some heels started it.

A semi truck full of Ramen noodle caught fire today and the whole shipment was considered ruined

The total loss came out to be $73

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Why did the blacksmith get fired....

He smelt like shit, and made a forgery.

I recently got fired as an architect

An earthquake came and the building collapsed because it wasn’t stabilized and I said it wasn’t my fault

The Mexican guy next door was fired and kicked out of the house in the same day

You should've seen hispanic

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I told my mate that I got fired for downloading porn at work and causing everything to crash.

"That's a bit harsh!!" he said.

"They don't fuck around at Air Traffic Control " I replied.

Boss: You're fired. Me: *turns in my gun and my badge *

Boss: You're a waiter where did you get those

A man finds himself in a house fire that he can't control, so he calls 911 and says...

\- Help me, my house is on fire!

\- Alright, calm down and we'll see if we can help you. Have you tried to do anything to stop it on your own?

\- Yes, I've tried pouring some water on it.

\- Alright, but if that didn't help there's no point for us coming there either. We would h...

There was a fire at my local model village today

Eye witness reports claim that flames could be seen from up to 3 feet away

I got fired from my job as a cashier today...

This customer walked in, picked up something from the counter, walked up to the till and said, "I'd like to pay for a Bagel with Cream Cheese.."

I told him clearly, "I'm sorry sir, we only accept cash or credit"

I was just fired from my job so I turned in my gun and badge

The other cashiers were quite concerned

I gave up my seat on the bus to a blind guy and my boss fired me for it.

Guess I'll have to find a bus driving job in a new city.

The CEO of Pepsi was just fired

He tested positive for Coke

I was grilling some lettuce over a fire for dinner.

My dad came over, took one look and said: That's chard, you idiot.

What do you call a member of the Bucharest Fire Brigade?

A py-Romanian.

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Tonight, some friends and I got tired of being locked up at home and got together, sat around a fire boasting about how tough we are.

My friend Alex says, "I was driving cattle last year, and was bit on the ass by a rattler. Finished the cattle drive. Took three days before I got the doc to look at me. Didn't shed a tear."

Then Julio says, "Yeah? Well I broke up two bulls that were fighting. One popped out my right eye. I p...

I got fired from my job at the calendar factory a couple weeks ago.

I don't know why, all I did was take a few days off.

But it's okay, I think I'm going to become a mirror washer. It's something I can really see myself doing.

Why was the shepherd fired?

He fell asleep during inventory

Why was the sheep girl fired?

She was sleeping with the shepherd too.

Fire alarms should just play Nickelback

Anyone who stays in the building deserves what they get.

Build a man a fire, he stays warm for a day.

Set a man on fire, he stays warm for the rest of his life.

My sons teacher got fired for being cross eyed

She couldn't control her pupils.

My boss is threatening to fire the employee with the worst posture.

I have a hunch it might be me.

I got fired from my last job even though I always gave 100%.

Apparently that's not how you grade exams.

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A stripper got fired for telling me who to vote for

Apparently pole workers can't do that

A child sets fires around the community.

Mom: My son is a fire starting monster. I raised a criminal.
Dad: It's arson.

Why did the guy get fired from the hardware store?

He asked a female customer if she needed caulking.

I got fired from the unemployment department.

They're still paying me though.

"I have to leave work," I told my boss, "my wife is stuck in a house fire!"

"But you're a fireman..." he replied.

I just got fired from my job as a palaeontologist because I didn't recognise a female Stegosaurus .

In my defence I'd only ever dug up Tyrannosaurus Rex, so I'd never seen herbivore.

Google just test fired the first fully automated rifle ever made, but it jammed on the first shot!

While going through the diagnostics R&D figured out the problem: ERR 404, GUN FAILED TO LOAD.

Vaccinating your kid is like banning fire from a gas station

A good idea

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What organ can expand to 10 times it's size...

What organ can expand to 10 times it's size...

The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?"

No one answered so the teacher picked on a random student

Little Mary stood up and said, "You shoul...

Three women (one blonde, one brunette, one black haired) are sentenced to death by firing squad.

The commander says to his troops, "Ready, aim, " but before he could finish, the brunette yells out, "Tornado!" This distracts the officers and she runs free. The commander starts again and says, "Ready, aim," but the black haired woman yells out, "Hurricane!" This again distracts the officers and s...

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are arrested and sentenced to death by firing squad, one by one.

While they wait to be executed they come up with a plan.

Right before they’re about to be shot, each one will yell that some natural disaster or emergency is happening to distract the soldiers. During the distraction, they would be able to escape.

The brunette is first. As she hears ...

"Ladies and gentlemen," the intercom on a large intercontinental flight announces, "this is your captain speaking. Please look out of the window on the port, or left side of the aircraft, and you will see that the left engine is on fire..."

"Now please look out of the starboard window, or right side of the aircraft, and you will see that the wing is breaking off, and will soon separate from the fuselage..."


"Now, please look down, to the tropical island below. At the beach, you will notice a small orange object. It is a life...

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Everyone got up and cheered when Bob was fired for sexual harassment.

It was a touching farewell.

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Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill

and cook a venison steak. But all of Bubba's neighbors were Catholic....and since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday.

The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest. Th...

Fighting fire with fire

Is a bad idea, especially as a fireman. It can get you fired.

Original by Bo Burnham, taken out of context.

When I was younger, my dad went to prison because he set his boss’s house on fire. I always wondered if I’d wind up in jail like my old man, so I visited him one weekend and I asked him, “Dad, are we all pyromaniacs in this family?” And he said...

“Yes we are, son.”

Why did the guitar teacher get fired?

Because he fingered A minor

An arsonist lights an economist's house on fire.

When the economist arrives home, he turns on the garden hose in his front yard and sprays a huge blast of water on the fire. This completely puts out the fire, but now a section of the house is covered in water.

The next day, the arsonist lights a chemist's house on fire.

When the chem...

A fire hydrant with a suit walks into a bar

The barman says “you look quite extinguished”

Got fired today because I asked a crying kid where his parents were

I loved working at an orphanage

Some might say america is a dumpster fire right now

But that's not true because a dumpster fire can actually give a homeless person a source of heat

Larry, a local football star, is jogging down the street when he sees a building on fire. A lady is standing on a third story ledge holding her cat in her arms.

"Hey, lady", yells Larry, "Throw me the cat!"
"No," she cries, "It's too far!"
"I play football. I can catch him!"

The smoke is pouring from the windows. The woman kisses her cat goodbye and tosses it down to the street.
Larry keeps his eye on the cat as it comes hurtling down toward...

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This joke got me fired when I worked as a cook. Credit goes to Jackie “The Joke Man” Martling

A husband goes to his wife and says “You’re either going hunting with me, sucking my cock or I’m fucking you in the ass. I’m gonna go get the dogs ready and I’ll be back for your answer.”

After a bit of time, he returns to his wife who defiantly says to him “I’m not going hunting and there’s...

What do you call a woman who sets fire to her bills?

Bernadette

Priest: Do you have any idea who set fire to the Cathedral of Notre Dame?

Quasimodo: I have a hunch.

Priest: Don’t make this about you.

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What do you call someone who lights people's butts on fire?

An arsenist!

Once I got fired from my job just because I was eating chips while I was working.

And after that, I couldn't get a job at any of the other casinos either.

I got fired from my job because I kept asking my customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking”.

Apparently the correct terms are “Cremation” and “Burial”.

Today I had to fire the guy I hired to mow my lawn

He just wasn't cutting it

I said i liked starting fires on tinder.

i got loads of matches

Today I cooked something for my family and they all said it was terrible.

Jokes on them, the smoke detector thought it was fire.

How do you start a fire at a Quinceañera?

Gasolina

A woman who lived next door to a preacher was puzzled by his personality change.At home he was shy, quiet and retiring, but in the church he was a real fire orator, rousing the masses in the name of God. It was as if he were two different people.

One day she asked him about the dramatic transformation that came over him when he preached.

“Ah,” he said, “That’s my altar ego.”

An Irishman is pulled from a bar on fire

The firemen, in the interest of finding out the cause ask him, "What started the fire!?"

The Irishman, covered on soot, shakes his head. "Beats me. It was already on fire when I went in."

If a Lama with one L is a holy man in Tabet, and a 2 L's is a beast of burden, then what is a three L Lama?

A big fire in Boston

Just got fired as an IT consultant

It all went wrong when my lady boss told me to grab the rack.

What did the pirate say when his child caught the ship on fire?

Arrrrrrgh Son!

Once management wants you fired, you’ll be fired

A king had 10 wild ferocious dogs. He used them to torture and kill any minister that misguided him. A minister once gave an opinion which was wrong and which the king didn't like at all. So he ordered that the minister to be thrown to the dogs.

The minister said, "I have served you loyally f...

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Three Hobos are hunkered down around a jungle fire by the railroad tracks

Reminiscing about the windfalls they'd found in their years riding the rails and living the vagabond life. The first hobo said:

"This one time, a train stopped, and I found a whole case of pork and beans. Took some strength to haul it off and hide it, but I had enough chow to make it through ...

A man stops into a biker bar for a drink

As he is sitting there staring at his drink a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig.

"Well, whatcha gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly and the man burst into tears.

"This is the worst day of my life!" he says "I'm a complet...

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are in a carnival

Watching a juggler juggle 4 burning fire brands. He notices that the four are quite short and are on their tiptoes just to be able to have a glance at his juggling skills.

Being the showman, he jumps on to a large wooden box while still keeping the firebrands juggling and asks, "Can y'all ge...

Who is WILL?

...and why are people that are in combat ordered to fire at him first.

A couple of outdoorsmen were on a lake in their kayak when they started getting cold. But when they lit a fire in their craft it immediately began to sink, proving once and for all that...

...you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.

My grandfather always said "son, you need to fight fire with fire..."

Great guy, terrible fireman though

What do you call a disabled person on fire?

Hot Wheels

Fire

A guy goes to a house of prostitution. He selects a girl, pays her $200 up front, and he gets undressed. She's about to take off her sheer blue negligee, when the fire alarms rings!

She runs out of the room, with his $200 still in her hand. He quickly grabs his clothes and runs out after her...

When Peters learned that he was being fired, he went to see the head ofhuman resources.

Since I've been with the firm for so long," he said, "I think I deserve at least a letter of recommendation."
The human resources director agreed and said he'd have the letter that next day. The following morning, Peters found the letter on his desk. Itread, "Jonathan Peters worked for our compan...

What do Russians call it when you put a bullet in a gun and fire it at your head?

Suicide.


What do Russians call it when someone else puts a bullet in a gun and fires it at your head?


Suicide.

Setting fire to a speakeasy?

Gives a whole new meaning to razing the bar.

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What do you call a British man who sets fires to people's behinds?

An arsenist.

Steve and his buddies were hanging out and planning an upcoming fishing trip....

Unfortunately, he had to tell them that he couldn't go this time because his wife wouldn't let him. After a lot of teasing and name calling, Steve headed home frustrated.

The following week when Steve's buddies arrived at the lake to set up camp, they were shocked to see Steve. He was alread...

Got fired from my job at the keyboard factory

At first I just wasn’t putting in enough shifts, then I couldn’t keep the space clean and finally I lost control

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Why did the ex-pornstar get fired from his job at the gas station?

As soon as the tank was full, he’d rip out the nozzle and spray gas all over the car.

A Lesson in History

The king wanted to go fishing and he asked the royal weather forecaster the forecast for the next few hours. The palace meteorologist assured him that there was no chance of rain.

So the king and the queen went fishing. On the way they met a man with a fishing pole riding on a donkey, and the...

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Two tipsy women sneak into a graveyard to pee one night.

Once done, one uses her panties to wipe with and throws them away, the other uses a ribbon from a nearby wreath.


The next day one husband called the other: "My wife came home last night without any panties!"


"That's nothing!" The other replied, "My wife had a card stuck between...

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Today, I was fired from my job because I wore a mini skirt

And they have the stupidest fucking excuse: "I dont want to see your cock"

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What do you call a bunch of homosexuals on fire?

LGBBQ

Me: "Hello? 911? Emergency! The neighbors house is on fire!"

Dispatcher: "Did you discover the fire?"

Me: "No! Prometheus! but what does he have to do with this?"

Translated - hope it makes sense to you guys :)

The stranded priest

A priest was stranded on island for many years. He had managed to survive quite well and was living a decent life. One day he noticed a ship had came closer than ever before and he began to smother his fire to produce smoke. The ship had barely seen him but sent a rescue party to his island. The pri...

A man traveling through Thailand sees a monk light a fire with only the heat from his hands

He walks over to the Monk and says “how did you do that?” The monk replies “with enough training you can do things that appear impossible, what is the one thing you most want to achieve in life?” The man replies “I’d love to be able to jump as high as a house so I can compete in the NBA” the monk re...

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My teacher asked me what steps to take in the event of a fire drill

Apparently “fuckin’ large ones” was not the correct answer

The devoted wife

A devoted wife had spent her lifetime taking care of her husband.

When he was slipping in and out of a coma for several months, she stayed by his bedside every single day.

When he came out of coma, he motioned for her to come closer.

As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? Y...

A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician walk into an office to discover the trash can is on fire.

The physicist announces "We must put the garbage can in the fridge so that the temperature will be below the ignition temperature and therefore put itself out!"


The chemist replies "No, we must cover the garbage can so that the fire consumes all of the oxygen and, in the absence of reac...

Saw this notice posted outside a volunteer fire company in December... "Remember to water your Christmas tree..."

..."or we will come and water it for you."

Why are Fire Trucks red?

Because they have eight wheels and four people on them, and eight plus four is twelve, and there are 12 inches in a foot, and one foot is a ruler, and Queen Elizabeth was a ruler, and Queen Elizabeth was also a ship, and the ship sailed the seas, and in the seas are fish, and fish have fins, and the...

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Three friends were bragging about who has the most sex.

The first guy starts, “Y'all ain't got nothing on me! I can go to any bar and bring home a new woman every night! Not only that, but I drive a corvette and have an 8 inch penis! I've slept with more than 1,000 women!”

Second guy fires back, “Oh yeah? Well I’m a top gynecologist at the highest...

I just got fired on the first day of my job as a nurse at the hospital

Apparently the sign "STROKE PATIENTS" doesn't mean what I thought it meant

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a moth goes into a podiatrist's office

So a moth goes into a podiatrist’s office, and the podiatrist’s office...the podiatrist says, “What seems to be the problem, moth?”

The moth says “What’s the problem? Where do I begin, man? I go to work for Gregory Illinivich, and all day long I work. Honestly doc, I don’t even know what I’...

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What did the man have after his wife set his balls on fire?

Honey-Roasted Nuts

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did the Capitol Police not fire any shots?

They didn't know where to aim because there were no black people.

I hate those people who knock on your door and tell you you need to get "saved" or you'll "burn"..

Stupid firemen.

Three men go hunting. One is kind of tipsy, one is just plain drunk, the third one however is so smashed, he can barely hold himself upright.

They lay on the lookout and wait. At some point later they make out a big deer with beautiful antlers.

The one who is the least drunk levels his gun, takes a shot, but misses. The second most drunk guy does the same, but he misses too. The deer is now running towards them. The third guy, who...

I saw a cow spontaneously catch on fire the other day

Guess you could call it a rare experience

Without a doubt, Robin Williams is great.

Without a doubt, my favourite Robin Williams movie is Mrs. Fire.

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In breaking news, Trump’s personal library has burned down.

The fire consumed both books and in a tragic twist, he hadn’t even finished coloring the second one.





Edit: Wow! Thank you for all of the awards, I didn't anticipate that. Some people need to relax though. This is just a freakin' joke, not the agenda of a movement.

Also,...

My Dermatologist was fired today...

He made too many rash decisions

My boss has just fired me for making too many Asian jokes.

Oh well!! That's the end of my Korea.

A bank in my city recently caught fire and burned down

Iv never seen that much toasted bread before

Haha, jokes lol

Three guys were playing Russian roulette with a 6 shot revolver and 1 in the chamber, the first guy picks up a single cigarette, smokes it, then shoots and nothing comes out, the second guy picks up 2 smokes, enjoys his time. Fires 2x and nothing comes out. The third guy thinks for a second and says...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There's some soldiers in Vietnam.And they've been pinned down in their trench for days. ( Dark Joke )

Finally one guy says,"Fuck this I really have to pee guys. Lay down covering fire, i'll run into the bushes.When I'm done I'll give a signal and you can give me covering fire while i run back."

So they lay down fire, and he runs off into the jungle.

But he's gone for a good half an hou...

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NSFW: On a dare, I stuck my dick in the meat grinder at work and and then I got fired...

...And she got fired too

Why was the milkman fired?

Because he was always lait.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.

On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, "I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 32," is the reply. "Nope! I’m exactly 50," the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and ...

I’m a little proud of this

A guy walks into a zoo with a very attractive bee. He hears from the other room “you’re fired!” An entomologist walks out of that room and says “pretty fly” to the guy and leaves.

One time I set fire to the Kardashians.....

The blue flame and the smell of plastic was interesting

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