What’s the difference between a police officer and a bullet?

When a bullet kills someone else, you know it’s been fired

My boss fired me for making jokes about Asians again

It was the end of my Korea

I got fired from my job because I kept asking my customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking”.



Apparently the correct terms are “Cremation” and “Burial”.

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Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Darryl and Gary.

The three men had always done everything together!!!!!

Darryl arrived first and when the mortician pulled back the sheet Darryl said, “Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.”

The mortician rolled him over, and Darryl said, “Nope, ain’t Bubba.”

The morti...

I got fired from the sperm bank

I can't figure out why, it might have been that every time someone left I said "Thank you for coming"

A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician walk into an office to discover the trash can is on fire.



The physicist announces "We must put the garbage can in the fridge so that the temperature will be below the ignition temperature and therefore put itself out!"

The chemist replies "No, we must cover the garbage can so that the fire consumes all of the oxygen and, in the absence of re...

I just got fired from the post office

My supervisor took me into his office and we actually had a really good conversation. He told me that I wasn't meeting expectations in my current position, and that they didn't have any other jobs open at the moment. I said that I could see where he was coming from, and that I had no hard feelings. ...

What did they use to set off the amazon warehouse fire?

Amazon kindle.

I got fired from the sperm bank yesterday

Apparently you're not allowed to nudge the nearest co-worker and say, "get a load of this guy" every time someone walks in.

I opened the fire exit door for a girl to run out with me out of the burning building. I kept it open for her to come.

"I have a boyfriend!"

Don't use an elevator during a fire.

Use water instead.

Why did the worker get fired from the orange juice factory?

Lack of concentration.

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What do you call a bunch of homosexuals on fire?

LGBBQ

I got fired from my job at the bank today.

A little old lady asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

I was fired from the keyboard factory today.

I wasn't putting in enough shifts.

The cross-eyed teacher at school got fired today.

He couldn't control his pupils.

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The young assistant got fired from the butchers shop, I asked why.....

The butcher replied “I caught him with his dick in the bacon slicer!”

“Oh!” I replied, “what did you do with the bacon slicer?”

“I fired her as well!” said the Butcher.

My teacher told us not to use the elevator in case of a fire.

"Of course," I replied, rolling my eyes. "We'll use the fire extinguisher."

A panda walks into a bar and eats all of the fries he can see. Then goes around and eats all the peanuts he can find. Then, he pulls out a revolver, and fires it three times into the air. Then he walks out the door.

The bar tender says, “what can I say? He eats chutes and leaves

What did sideshow Bob work as after he got fired from being a clown?

A bartender

Florida man fires gun at a retail store.

It was target.

My boss is threatening to fire the employee who has the worst posture.

I have a hunch it might be me.

I got fired on my first day as a car salesman

Customer: "cargo space?"

Me: " no, car no fly, car go roads"

Manager: " can I see you in my office?"

My father always told me "son, you should always fight fire with fire"

Probably why he lost his job as a fireman

What do you call a woman who sets her mortgage documents on fire?

Bernadette

2 guys are on a boat with 3 cigarettes and no fire source to lit them

So they throw 1 cigarette out the boat and the boat comes a cigarette lighter

I was fired and kicked out of the hospital on the very first day as a nurse..............

Apparently the sign outside the ward "Stroke Patients Here" meant something completely different!

I had to fire my cook today

He was a thyme waster.

My local night club has had to fire their resident DJ

Apparently he wasn't up to scratch

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A man gets home from work very disgruntled, his wife asks "What is the matter?" (Man) "I got fired from the factory today." (Wife) "Oh honey you poor thing, what did you do now?" (Man) "I stuck my dick in the pickle slicer." Wife *Looks down at his johnson* "What happened to the pickle slicer...?"

She was fired too.

Why do you need a password to make a camp fire?

So you can log in.

An old woman was sitting next to her fire one day when suddenly a spark jumped out and turned into a fairy.

The fairy told the old woman she could have three wishes.

The old woman thinks for a while and then asks for the following:

1) she wants 10 million dollars

2) she wants to be 18 years old again

3) she wants her faithful tomcat, Tiger, to be turned into a healthy 19 year o...

I got fired from my job at the calendar factory

I don’t know why. All I did was take a few days off.

A couple took in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger.

She asked if she could have a bath, but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bath, although if she wanted to, she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.

"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said.

The girl agreed to have a bath the followin...

I've been fired from work for putting in too many shifts

Keyboard manufacturing isn't as easy as you think

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A fire chief goes into a burning house

The fire had just became controllable and was starting to calm down. However, two fire fighters were still inside the building. He went to check on them to see if they were fine.

He finds them both upstairs fucking each other.

"What the hell is this!?" He said

"Well chief, my p...

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Damn girl, are you a fire alarm?

Cause you’re fucking loud and annoying.

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My therapist told me to write letters to everyone that had done me wrong, and then set them on fire.

Well I did that, so now what do I do with the letters?

Did you hear about the bond trader that got fired?

He lost a lot of face.

How many Branch Davidians does it take to start a fire?

76

Why I fired my secretary

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,
"Happy Birthday!", and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "Happy Birthday."
...

If theres H20 on the inside of a fire hydrant, whats on the outside?

K9P

Why did Johnny Sins get fired from his job as a hiring manager

Because he was putting people in positions they didn't apply for.

My reddish-brown Toyota minivan caught on fire yesterday

It’s a burnt burnt sienna Sienna.

Wood fired pizza?

What a prick

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What do you call a man who fires glitter out of his butt?

A party pooper

My neighbour jean guy’s house caught on fire, I asked him what he was going to do..

He say don’t worries, I gots more wood in the attic

Wood fired pizza

How’s pizza gonna get a job now?

Did you hear about the French cheese factory that caught on fire?

All that was left was da brie...

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What do Japanese cannibals eat when they have no fire?

Rawmen.

I landed on mars and my head lit on fire.

Well , on mars I become lighter.

I saw a guy setting his phone on fire

He said that he wanted to reach hot

Chemical Plant Fire

One dark night outside a small town a fire started inside the local chemical plant. Before long it exploded into flames and an alarm went out to fire departments from miles around. After fighting the fire for over an hour, the chemical company president approached the fire chief and said, "All of ou...

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A guy walks into a fancy club and right past the bouncer.

When the bouncer tries to stop him, the guy says "let me through, I'm fucking rich."

The bouncer, eager for a tip, lets him through. The guy proceeds right to the VIP section, past the ropes, and sits down at the best table.

The bouncer tries to stop him again, but the guy says "I can...

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I got fired from my job just because I'm pansexual.

Who wants to work in a kitchen anyway.

Why did the lazy eyed teacher get fired?

because he couldn’t keep his pupils in check

What do you call Santa when he comes down the chimney and the fire is still going?

Krisp Kringle

What happened to the fire at the campsite?

It got in-tents

Panda Express fired me for emailing around photos of bad stir fry...

I guess I should have labelled them Not Safe for Wok...

Why did Billy die by friendly fire in war?

Because when the enemies were spotted, the commander ordered everybody on the battlefield to fire at will.

The boss caught an employee drinking at work.

He said: -"You can't drink while you're working!".
The employee replied: -"But I'm not working".


They both laughed a lot, and he got fired.

Billy saw the barn was ablaze, sprinted down the street, burst into a bar room full of gunslingers and shouted "Fire! Fire!"

And they did.

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Pandemic, country-wide fires, floods, locust swarms...

I don't know who has them, but please just let the Jews go.

My boss fired me for making too many Asian jokes.

It was the end of my Korea.

I'm still China find another job.

A patriotic theater director for fired by their university after announcing they were writing a new show.

They probably shouldn’t have searched for “ProState Play” ideas on their work computer.

A surgeon was fired after a botched vasectomy.

Still got a severance package.

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A Marine, A Navy SEAL, and a Delta Force member are sitting around a fire....

The marine says, "I once killed 50 enemy combatants with a single belt of my M249." The Navy SEAL says, "I wiped out an entire enemy compound with my K-Bar." The two look at the Delta Force and expect him to pipe up, but he just stares at the fire, stirring the coals with his penis.

neighbor got a job driving a pepsi truck, they fired him the next day.

he tested positive for coke.

"What?! I'm gonna die!? That can't be right! Do it again or you're fired!"

"But sir, your COVID-19 test came back *negative,* Mr. President."

Build a man a fire and you keep him warm for a day

Light a man on fire and you keep him warm the rest of his life

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Three families are driving along a mountain road, all collide and die in a wreck of twisted metal and fire. (Long)

All of them end up in a line standing before St. Peter and the pearly gates.

St. Peter motions the first head of the family forward. "What have you done to deserve to get into heaven?"

The man dressed in a business suit said, "My family never wanted for anything and I provided whateve...

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A Catholic school is on fire

The Principal orders everyone to leave immediately. A priest runs up to him and says "but sir, there are still children trapped inside." The principal says "fuck the kids"

Priest says "do you think there's enough time?"

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I found a couple of disturbing pornographic drawings that my children did, so I threw them in the fire.

But I kept the drawings for future reference.

My arm is on fire, quick somebody put me out before I get arrested!

I don't want to be put in jail for illegal possession of a firearm.

If Kanye West and Kim Kardashian both caught on fire in your gym and you only had ONE bucket of water.....

.... would you squat or deadlift first?

I got fired from my job today.

Apparently when you work at a cremation company you aren’t suppose to answer the phones me with “Hello, this is Joes Crematorium. You kill em we grill em!”

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If police never did wrong, people would trust them

Nobody ever made a song called “Fuck The Fire Department” ....

I got fired from the calendar factory.

They were really strict about employee taking a day off.

I searched on google “how to start a forest fire.”

It cam up with around 48,500 matches.

What's it called when you set your significant other on fire?

Flambae

There was a big scandal at my school the other day, two students were suspended and teacher was fired for drinking on the job.

Homeschool is crazy.

Caveman discovers weed

Caveman discovers fire

Stone age begins

I just got fired from my job as a taxi driver...

Turns out people don’t like it when you go the extra mile for them.

A physicist, an engineer and a mathematician each enter a room that has jug of water next to a bookshelf that is on fire.

The physicist looks at the shelf then looks at the water, He pulls out a sheet of paper and begins to calculate the exact amount of water required to put the fire out. The engineer enters the room looks at the shelf then looks at the water, grabs the jug and empties it on the fire. The mathematici...

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A man comes home to his wife and tells her that he got fired from his job at the pickle packaging plant because he stuck his penis in the pickle slicer. The wife asks if he is ok and he replies that he is better than ever. The wife asks what they will do with the tainted penis slicer & he replies

“Oh, he got fired too.”

They fired the guy who invented the wheel...

He was cutting too many corners.

THE ECONOMY IS SO BAD...

How bad is it you ask?

So bad,

THAT....

My neighbor got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

I saw a Mormon with only one wife.

McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer....

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Before this year started, none of us could have predicted all this: Kobe Bryant, Australian fires, Coronavirus quarantine, Tiger King, toilet paper hoarding.

I guess none of us truly had 2020 vision after all.

A Guinness world record judge was fired for obsessing over pun world records

He would go on to describe the firing as the worlds biggest mistake

I was fired from my job as a Zoo Keeper after all the animals died

In my defence, all the signs did say "Don't feed the animals"

Two businessmen meet up. One says to the other, "So sorry to hear about the warehouse fire."

He replies, "Shush! That's tomorrow."

I got fired from Campbell's Soup today

Found me stroganoff in the back room.

I got fired from the unemployment office today

my boss said “clean out your desk, and I’ll see you in the office on monday”

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I applied for a job in an office, and they asked me, what steps to you take in the event of a fire?

Apparently fucking big ones wasn't the right answer

A friend of mine used to have the job of holding cue cards for TV presenters, he was fired for dropping them. I tried talking to him about it but...

...he couldn't hold a conversation.

Kim Jong-Un decides he wants to go hunting and takes his three top ministers with him, the Minister of the Interior, the Minister of Defense, and the Minister of Propaganda.

After a short while of stomping aroiund in the woods, they come across some ducks. Kim turns to his Minister of the Interior.

"Shoot the ducks!" he orders.

The Minister of the Interior raises his shotgun, aims, fires, and misses all the ducks.

Kim stares at him. The ducks start ...

Why are fire trucks red???

Because they have 8 wheels....
They hold 4 passengers...
8+4=12...
There are 12 inches in a foot...
A foot is also known as a ruler...
Queen Elizabeth was a ruler...
Queen Elizabeth was also the name of a ship...
That ship sailed the seas...
In the seas there are fish...
...

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A little boy lived next door to a fire station...

He would watch in awe as the fire trucks left the station with sirens blazing. The kid decided he was going to become a fireman. So he grabbed his radio flyer and stuck a makeshift ladder on it. Then he found a piece of old garden hose. He was well on his way. He remembered his plastic fireman's ha...

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A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and looks sensational. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.

’About 32,’ is the reply.’

‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’

Now she’s...

Three young friends, seeking a fortune, adventure together to Egypt where a new pyramid has been discovered.

Upon arriving at the pyramid, they are immediately told to leave as the site has already been excavated. The friends, not willing to concede, look for a different way in and find an entrance never before used.

It is through this entrance that they find a secret passage way, one that is made a...

True story but funny.

While filling my car up i noticed a woman smoking while filling her car up, silly thing to do but I know better than to confront strangers about their stupidity.



I see 2 cops on the other side of the street, they can see her but they aren't doing anything about it... tax dollars in ac...

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A guy takes up a new job.

On Monday he calls in and says, ‘I can’t come in today, I’m sick.’ He works the rest of the week, but the following Monday he calls in and says, ‘I can’t come in today, I’m sick.’

The boss asks the foreman about him and he replies, ‘He’s great. He does the work of two men. We need him.’
...

They finally found how Australian fires started

Fire

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I got fired for wearing a mini-skirt to work

They said the customers complained about my hanging dick

How did Pinocchio find out he was a wooden boy?

His hand caught fire

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Seamus is at the pub with a row of whiskey shots lined up in front of him, looking depressed as ever.

A newcomer to the small town, looking to make friends, sits down next to Seamus and asks him what's wrong.
 
Without looking at the newcomer, Seamus downs a shot and in his thick Irish brogue says "I've lived in this town me whole life. You see the sidewalk out front? I laid every brick with m...

Fire is destroying a world famous landmark in Paris right now.

And there’s notre dame thing they can do about it.

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Two Friends graduate together from a college. One of them becomes a businessman and the other becomes a forest officer

After a few years, the forest officer (FO) invites the businessman(BM) to visit him in the jungles of which he was incharge. The BM agrees at once and arrives at the forest within a week. They talk about old days and everything and then the FO takes him out to the jungle for a tour. A kilometer insi...

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington, DC Nothing was moving.

Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.

The driver rolls down the window and asks,
"What's going on?"


"Terrorists have kidnapped the entire US Congress, and they're asking for a $100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fir...

Got fired on my first day with the ambulance today

I don't know what happened but they asked me how i deliver a baby and i answered "fedex".

A bread factory caught on fire the other day.

Now, their business is toast.

An Australian man set his pubic hair on fire.

I guess you could call that an Australian bushfire

What's it called when someone from Apple gets fired?

Apple turnover

My friend got fired

VERY SAD DAY for a friend of mine of after 7 yrs of medical school and training has been fired for one small indiscretion. She slept with one of her patients and can no longer work in the profession. What a waste of time, money and training. She's still paying on her school loans. This goes to show ...

The village blacksmith finally found an apprentice willing to work hard for long hours.

The blacksmith instructed the boy, “When I take the shoe out of the fire, I’ll lay it on the anvil; and when I nod my head, you hit it with this hammer.”

The apprentice did just as he was told. Now he’s the village blacksmith.

This is a Mean joke.

A physicist, an engineer, and a statistician go on a hunting trip, they are walking through the woods when they spot a deer in a clearing. The physicist calculates the distance of the target, the velocity and drop of the bullet, adjusts his rifle and fires, missing the deer 5 feet to the left. The e...

Did you hear about the Cop who arrested an innocent Iceberg because he thought it looked like the one that sunk the Titanic?

He was fired for Glacial Profiling.

I got a gun for Christmas but I can’t fire it

I suppose I should check the “Trouble Shooting?” guide

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