UPJOKE
burnfuelblastcombustionflamelightheatattackconflagrationburningblazeignitefusilladebackfirefiring

Fire Jokes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A husband comes home to his wife after being fired from the pickle factory...

His wife asks him "So what happened?"

The husband explains "I often get bored at work and today my mind was wandering and I thought to myself 'what would happen if I stuck my penis inside the pickle slicer?'"

The wife is clearly blind-sided by this confession and doesn't know what to s...

Three men were about to be executed by the firing squad.

The first man was brought forward and before they could shoot him he yelled "avalanche"! The firing squad panicked and in the confusion, the man jumped over the wall and into freedom before the firing squad could regroup.

The second man thought what the first man did was clever and when he wa...

It has been 2 years and still nobody knows why Notre Dame caught fire....

...but Quasimodo has a hunch.

A woman who lived next door to a preacher was puzzled by his personality change.At home he was shy, quiet and retiring, but in the church he was a real fire orator, rousing the masses in the name of God. It was as if he were two different people.

One day she asked him about the dramatic transformation that came over him when he preached.

“Ah,” he said, “That’s my altar ego.”

I went to the shooting range for the first time and couldn’t get my gun to fire.

Now I have to read the trouble shooting section in the manual.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just failed a fire safety course when they asked what steps I would take in case of an explosion.

Apparently “Fucking large ones” wasn’t an acceptable answer.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Marine, A Navy SEAL, and a Delta Force member are sitting around a fire....

The marine says, "I once killed 50 enemy combatants with a single belt of my M249." The Navy SEAL says, "I wiped out an entire enemy compound with my K-Bar." The two look at the Delta Force and expect him to pipe up, but he just stares at the fire, stirring the coals with his penis.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A stripper got fired for telling me who to vote for

Apparently pole workers can't do that

I got fired from my job as a masseur.

There wasn't any specific incident, apparently I just rub people the wrong way.

I searched google for "how to start a large fire"

52,000 matches

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bubba died in a fire

Bubba died in a fire last night. His body was burned so badly that he couldn't be identified by most of his family.

That is, until his best friends Jim and Cletus were called. Jim and Cletus knew Bubba all his life, and they were certain they could identify Bubba for the coroner.

When ...

One dark night in Dublin, a fire started inside the local chemical plant . . .

In a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around. When the fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fireman in charge and said, "All our secret formulas are in the vault in the centre of the...

A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician walk into an office to discover the trash can is on fire.



The physicist announces "We must put the garbage can in the fridge so that the temperature will be below the ignition temperature and therefore put itself out!"

The chemist replies "No, we must cover the garbage can so that the fire consumes all of the oxygen and, in the absence of re...

They say you should test your fire alarm once a month...

But it's costing me a fortune in houses!

Fire is destroying a world famous landmark in Paris right now.

And there’s notre dame thing they can do about it.

My boss is threatening to fire the employee who has the worst posture.

I have a hunch it might be me.

If H2O is on the inside of a fire hydrant...What's on the out side?

K9P

What's the difference between a Texas energy company and a Dumpster Fire?

A Dumpster Fire creates affordable light and heat.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Darryl and Gary.

The three men had always done everything together!!!!!

Darryl arrived first and when the mortician pulled back the sheet Darryl said, “Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.”

The mortician rolled him over, and Darryl said, “Nope, ain’t Bubba.”

The morti...

War. A battalion is under heavy enemy fire.

The commander gathers his soldiers and explains:

**Commander**: Listen men, we can't hold for long. We must retreat and come back with reinforcements. However, someone must stay behind and cover our backs. And whoever he is... our supply situation is bad. All we can give him is three grenades...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two cannibals sat by a fire the 1st one says

"I'm going to become a vegan".

The other one says "me too"

The 1st one says " you do realise we have totally fucked up this joke now it won't be funny "

The other one says "yeh well that's vegans for you"

What did they use to set off the amazon warehouse fire?

Amazon kindle.

My boss: “You’re fired.”

Me: *turns in gun and badge*



My boss: “You’re a waiter where did you get those”

Fire broke out at a local marijuana farm, and the smoke began to drift to a nearby cattle ranch.

The steaks were high

My boss fired me for making too many Asian jokes

It was the end of my Korea

As I'm sure you're all aware, the Notre Dame Cathedral is on fire.

They don't know who did it, but they have a hunch.

A wife comes back home to her husband only to find out that the building of her apartment has caught fire, 'NSFW'

The place is surrounded by fireman and police officers who are not letting anyone through. The wife hysterically goes forward shouting at them to let her through and that her husband was inside.

The Fireman tries to calm her down, tells her his condolences and that all the people that were i...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It the event of a fire, what steps should you take?

Fucking large ones.

Why I fired my secretary

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,
"Happy Birthday!", and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "Happy Birthday."
...

What do you call a woman throwing her utility bills in a fire?

Bernadette

What did the fire fighter say when the brothel was burning down?

>!We are gonna need more hose!<

Firemen are called to a burning pub. They drag out an Irishman and asked him how the fire started.

"I don't know." He says, "It was on fire when I went in there."

Once management wants you fired, you’ll be fired

A king had 10 wild ferocious dogs. He used them to torture and kill any minister that misguided him. A minister once gave an opinion which was wrong and which the king didn't like at all. So he ordered that the minister to be thrown to the dogs.

The minister said, "I have served you loyally f...

Why did Eminem get fired from his job as a bartender?

He kept telling people “You only get one shot”

A monk, a nun and a priest all suddenly die in a fire and end up before God...

"You are all going to hell!" he announces. "As despite your dedicated lives you still had sins you did not repent for! However, for your services to me, I will allow you to choose your eternal punishment. You must select 3 different things I find most terrible that humans have experienced before. Ea...

Why did the Fox News Christmas tree catch fire?

They left it too close to the gaslight.

Give a man a fire, and he's warm for the night.

Set a man on fire, and he's warm for the rest of his life.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Business was terrible and not picking up. I had to fire somebody, and I narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack.

It was an impossible decision because they were both super workers. 

Rather than flip a coin, I decided I would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning. 

Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night.  She went to the cooler to t...

I got fired from a sperm bank...

Every time someone walked in I'd say "get a load of this guy"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I got fired from my job today for having sex at work.

My boss reamed me out and I said, "What was I supposed to do, she was just lying there naked!"

He shouted, "The autopsy! The fucking autopsy!"

Then he fired me and called me the worst Veterinarian ever.

I was fired from the keyboard factory today.

I wasn't putting in enough shifts.

I got fired from the sperm bank yesterday

Apparently you're not allowed to nudge the nearest co-worker and say, "get a load of this guy" every time someone walks in.

**Edit:** Did not expect this joke to take off. Made it to the front page for a little while.

**Edit 2:** Thank you for the gold kind stranger.

A young Apache is sitting before a nice little fire, but he's visibly angry.

A friend of his comes by and asks what's the matter.

-Damn fire won't make any smoke and I have an urgent message to send!

The other replies :

-Hmm... you tried putting it out and lighting it again?

My father always told me you gotta fight fire with fire

Great guy, horrible firefighter.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Army Ranger, a Recon Marine, a Navy SEAL, and a member of Delta Force are sitting around a camp fire.

An Army Ranger, a Recon Marine, a Navy SEAL, and a member of Delta Force are sitting around a camp fire. The Army Ranger, bragging about his exploits says "You guys aren't so tough, I once parachuted down, marched fifty miles, and killed everyone in sight." The Recon Marine is unimpressed, and says,...

Two cannibals sitting around a fire

One of them:

"I don't like your mother-in-law at all!"

"Then add some more mustard"

TIFU: My uniform fetish has been escalating to unhealthy levels. Today I set the apartment on fire just so I could call 911, and I didn't realize my girlfriend was still inside.

Don't worry. I came to her rescue.

I got fired from the bomb squad today :(

It's too bad really.....

I had a blast working there!

Why didn’t the Mexican archer fire his bow?

He didn’t habanero

What do you use to build a fire in the ocean?

Fish sticks.

What's one thing you dont want to have while putting out a fire?

Verizon Wireless.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So this blonde sees a building on fire.

She pulls out her phone and calls 911. Below is a transcript of the phone call.

Blonde: OMG! There is a building on fire.

Dispatch: What is the address?

Blonde: I don’t know.

Dispatch: okay…how do we get there?

Blonde: Duh, red truck.

Trojan just had to fire several employees.

Too many people were late.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This joke got me fired when I worked as a cook. Credit goes to Jackie “The Joke Man” Martling

A husband goes to his wife and says “You’re either going hunting with me, sucking my cock or I’m fucking you in the ass. I’m gonna go get the dogs ready and I’ll be back for your answer.”

After a bit of time, he returns to his wife who defiantly says to him “I’m not going hunting and there’s...

Our local fire station burned down last night.

Someone must've left the irony on.

The Case Of The Industrial Fire

The industrial fire had been raging for a few hours and no one was able to stop it. Someone called all the fire stations in the nearby towns, and almost all of them were there within minutes. Despite managing to contain the fire by forming a circle around it, the center was still going strong, with ...

I got fired from my job at a bank today

Some elderly lady asked me to check her balance.


So I pushed her over.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Whom to fire?

One day Mr. Smith, the president of a large corporation, called his vice-president, Dave, into his office and said, “We’re making some cutbacks, so either Jack or Barbara will have to be laid off.”

Dave looked at Mr. Smith and said, “Barbara is my best worker, but Jack has a wife and three ki...

I've just been fired from the clock making factory

after all those extra hours I put in.

This lady was at the gas station pumping gas and smoking a cigarette when her arm caught fire...

When the police arrived they shot her for waving a firearm.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Ever hear about the guy who lit his fart on fire to burn his house down?

He got charged with ARSEn!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A publishing company is under fire for their headline "Half of Senate Are Fucking Idiots." So they issued a correction the next day

"Half of Senate Are Not Fucking Idiots."

What do you call a jacket that's on fire?

A blazer.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The little fire fighter

A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little boy next door in a little red wagon with a tiny ladders hung off the side and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The boy is wearing a fire fighter’s helmet and has the wagon tied to a dog and a cat....

What do you call a monkey holding a fire cracker?

A Baboom!

No one could really figure out who set fire to the Cathedral of Notre Dame….

….but Quasimodo had a hunch.

There was a fire at an aromatherapy candle factory

The situation is now calm.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes home to his wife, after being fired from his job at a chips factory..

The wife acts surprised, because the man has been employee of the month for 13 months in a row.
She asks "What happened?"
"I got fired for putting my penis in the potato cutter. It's been a dream of mine, and I couldn't resist it anymore", the man replied.
The wife, even more surprised afte...

I got fired from my job because I kept asking my customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking”.



Apparently the correct terms are “Cremation” and “Burial”.

Got fired from my job at the keyboard factory

At first I just wasn’t putting in enough shifts, then I couldn’t keep the space clean and finally I lost control

I got my first job as an accountant at 22, right out of college. Suddenly, the week after I turned 30, they fired me.

13 years of loyal service to the company, down the drain.

I don't know why I got fired from the suicide hotline...

I was doing a great job. They never called back for more help.

My dad was fired from his job in road work for theft...

I didn't believe it at first. But when I got home, all the signs were there.

Why was the Pepsi employee fired?

He tested positive for coke.

I was confused when my boss fired me for constantly having erection at the office

He is the one who told me he liked seeing employees hard at work.

I just got fired from my job as a taxi driver.

Turns out people don’t like it when you go the extra mile for them.

I've been fired from work for putting in too many shifts

Keyboard manufacturing isn't as easy as you think

I got fired from the unemployment office on Friday.

My boss said, “Clean our your desk, and I’ll see you in the office on Monday.”

TIL: After Pearl Harbor, US warships fired upon friendly u boats heading back to port.

Whoops, wrong sub.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man got fired from his job

A man got fired from his packaging job at a produce factory. Comes home and wife asksed how it happened.
He: I was feeling hot, so I stuck my dick into the pickle slicer.
She: Oh no! Is your dick ok?
He: Yeah, my dick is fine. They fired me for some workplace ethics rule.
She: And what a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I got fired for sticking my dick in the pickle slicer at work.

She got fired too.

I got fired from my job as a chef for stealing kitchen equipment.

It's a whisk I was willing to take.

I got fired on my first day as a car salesman

Customer: "cargo space?"

Me: " no, car no fly, car go roads"

Manager: " can I see you in my office?"

I got fired from my job at the dollar store

My boss was angry that I consistently gave out the wrong change. Apparently, I lack cents ability.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just got wrongfully fired from my job for "being in a state of constant sexual arousal"

Which is absolutely ridiculous. Everyone around me knows that I'm a dedicated employee who is always hard at work.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

4 out 5 forest fires are started by people...

Which scares the shit out of me. Because that means somewhere out there is a bear that knows how to light matches.

I just fired my sioux chef because I found out he lied on his resume.

Turns out he's navajo.

I used to be an executioner at the gallows but I got fired

I could never get the hang of it

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My brother got fired from his job because he had sex with one of his patients...

its a real shame as he was a great veterinarian

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I got fired from my last job for arranging the vegetables into sexual position

Apparently that's "misconduct" for a special needs teacher.

A Blonde, a Brunette and a Redhead are against a wall to be executed by a firing line.

Each is given an opportunity for last words. The Redhead is up first: she points and screams "Tornado!" Everyone freaks out and in the commotion she gets away. The Brunette is second and catches on the the plan: she points and screams "Tsunami," fleeing in the confusion. The Blonde has worked out a ...

A top Honda executive was told to resign or be fired amidst a scandal

After much consideration, she decided to leave by her own Accord.

I was fired from my job in the Tickle Me Elmo factory

My boss didn't like me giving each Elmo two test tickles.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Husband comes home after getting fired from the pickle factory...

his wife asks, what the hell happened?! He says "I got caught sticking my dick in the pickle slicer." "Dear lord!" she declares. "Are you OK?" "Yea, I'm totally fine." he says. "Was the pickle slicer turned on?" she says, to which the husband replied "Yea, she loved it."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the farm hand that got fired for having sex in the herbs?

He was fucking on company thyme.

I got fired from the catapult factory...

...because I'd been firing people from the catapult factory.

There was a cross-eyed teacher who got fired

Because she couldnt control her pupils.

I had a job at the cemetery, but I got fired...

Apparently, my grave mistakes were dead giveaways.

You're fired!

A company hired a new CEO. This boss wanted to get rid all of the slackers.

One day, he saw a young man against the wall. He wanted to prove himself that he meant business.
The CEO walked up to the man and asked, "How much do you make a week?"

The man replied"$200 a week. Why?"
<...

In a hotel a engineer, a physicist and a mathematician...

... are sleeping when a fire breaks out.

The engineer wakes up, notices the fire, grabs the next fire extinguisher and starts spraying.... After what seems hours of heroic fighting the fire is gone and he goes to sleep again.

But the fire breaks out again. The physicist wakes up, notic...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.