A woman who lived next door to a preacher was puzzled by his personality change.At home he was shy, quiet and retiring, but in the church he was a real fire orator, rousing the masses in the name of God. It was as if he were two different people.

One day she asked him about the dramatic transformation that came over him when he preached.

“Ah,” he said, “That’s my altar ego.”

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This joke got me fired when I worked as a cook. Credit goes to Jackie “The Joke Man” Martling

A husband goes to his wife and says “You’re either going hunting with me, sucking my cock or I’m fucking you in the ass. I’m gonna go get the dogs ready and I’ll be back for your answer.”

After a bit of time, he returns to his wife who defiantly says to him “I’m not going hunting and there’s...

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are arrested and sentenced to death by firing squad, one by one.

While they wait to be executed they come up with a plan. Right before they are to be shot, each one will yell that some natural disaster or emergency is happening to distract the soldiers and they would be able to escape.

The brunette is first. As she hears the captain counting down to 0 she...

Got fired from the sperm bank yesterday

Apparently they were mad at me for saying “Get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in.

Our boss is threatening to fire the employee with the worst posture.

I have a hunch it might be me.

Give a man a fire, and he's warm for the night.

Set a man on fire, and he's warm for the rest of his life.

What did they use to set off the amazon warehouse fire?

Amazon kindle.

I got fired today because I asked a customer whether they wanted it "raw or well done"

I was informed I should have said "burial or cremation" instead.

Got fired from my job at the keyboard factory

At first I just wasn’t putting in enough shifts, then I couldn’t keep the space clean and finally I lost control

A fire hydrant has H-2-O on the inside.

And K-9-P on the outside.

My boss fired me.

"Why?" I asked.

He said, "You always question authority."


I said, "How?"

Why was the man fired from the orange juice factory?

Because he couldn't concentrate.

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Two explorers are caught by cannibals and put in a large pot of water to be cooked. As the cannibals start the fire beneath them, one of the explorers starts chuckling to himself.

"What is so damn funny? We're going to die here!"

*"I just pissed in their soup."*

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Three friends were bragging about who has the most sex. The first guy starts, “Y'all ain't got nothing on me! I can go to any bar and bring home a new woman every night! Not only that, but I drive a corvette and have an 8 inch penis! I've slept with more than 1,000 women!”

Second guy fires back, “Oh yeah? Well I’m a top gynecologist at the highest rated hospital in the world. I make $800,000 a year, have patients and nurses who have sex with me every hour I’m at work. All the women compliment me on my 12 inch penis and I've slept with well over 5,000 women.”

La...

Billy Joel: "We didn’t start the fire."

Detective: "I haven’t mentioned a fire."

Billy Joel: "Damn."

In Russia a rookie police officer was assigned to ride along with a senior officer to learn the ropes. On his first day the pair came across the body of a famous politician who had been shot 30 times and set on fire. The rookie looked at his senior partner and said "This is obviously murder."

To which the partner replied "Could also be a suicide. Just depends on who killed him."

I was fired from the calendar factory yesterday

All I did was take a week off

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Business was terrible and not picking up. I had to fire somebody, and I narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack.

It was an impossible decision because they were both super workers. 

Rather than flip a coin, I decided I would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning. 

Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night.  She went to the cooler to t...

Honey, I accidentally set your son on fire!

Just kidding, it’s not your son, it’s arson.

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How to fire an Employee...

All the members of the company's Board of Directors were called into the Chairman's office, one after another, until only Ted, the junior member, was left sitting outside.

Finally it was his turn to be summoned.

Ted entered the office to find the Chairman and the other four Directors s...

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A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were in a hotel for a convention.

A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were in a hotel for a convention. Then, in the middle of the night for no apparent reason, a fire breaks out in the engineer's wastebasket. The engineer rushes over to the bathroom, empties out the ice bucket, fills it with water and pours it into the ...

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My therapist asked me to write letters to the people who have wronged me and then set them on fire.

I wrote it and set them on fire. Now what should I do with the letters?

P.S: Not OC. Taken from r/AskRedditAfterDark. As I was not allowed to crosspost posting as OC.

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A gorilla dies of old age at a zoo right before the zoo opens. It is the only gorilla at the zoo since they are not very profitable.

However, the gorilla is their most popular attraction by far, and they can't afford to go a day without it. So the zoo owner asks one of his workers to wear a gorilla suit they have in storage for an extra $100 a day if he will go in the gorilla cage and pretend to be the gorilla until the zoo can a...

In breaking news, Trump’s personal library has burned down.

The fire consumed both books and in a tragic twist he hadn’t even finished coloring the second one.

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The sex education teacher at my local high school got fired.

He was teaching the students about ejaculation and it went right over their heads.

What do a fire truck and an elephant have in common?

They’re both red, except for the elephant.

I just got fired from my job at the door making factory.

I just couldn't get a handle on it.

Most people have off on Independence Day. Except fire.

Fire-works on 4th of July.

I got fired from my job because I kept asking my customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking”.



Apparently the correct terms are “Cremation” and “Burial”.

Watching the latest episode of Forged in Fire. In the sharpness test, Doug Marcaida tested how much bread each blade would cut with just one slice...

The winner was so lucky he brought his 4-loaf cleaver.

Why was the boxer fired from his job?

He never punched out

The CEO of Pepsi was fired today.

They found traces of Coke in his system.

Dad, are we breaking the law by starting all these fires?

Yes, we arson.

My boss said he can fire me just cause.

I said he can’t fire me without just cause.

Why was the food critic fired?

They didn't reference their sauces

During a fire, a women was stuck on the 4th floor with her baby.

Fire fighters instructed her to toss the child out the window, under which they had placed a net, but the mother refused. Things looked grim until a tall, well-built man burst through the crowd and shouted to the woman. He said that he was a professional football player and that he could catch the...

I got fired from my job at the sperm bank today

Apparently dipping your finger in the sample cup and saying “oh this is spicy I actually asked for mild” is frowned upon

[OC] I was fired from the keyboard factory yesterday.

I wasn't putting in enough shifts.

I got fired from work today for taking the initiative.

It was a slow day so I thought why not let my team get some practice in to keep up their skills.

Didn't know it was against policy to set our fire station ablaze!

Why did the vegan get fired ?

His job performance did not meat expectations.

My dad got fired as a road worker because of stealing.

I didn't believe it at first, but when I got home.

All the signs where there.

I got fired from my job for chasing away a stray cat.

Whatever, I never really liked working at the animal shelter anyway.

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I was fired today from my job in the post office, I have no idea why.

Oh shit, I meant to post this somewhere else

What is the difference between an angel of love jumping a motorcycle through a ring of fire and a Karen?

One is a cupid stunt and the others a....

I got fired from my deli job cause the boss caught me sticking my finger in the pickle slicer..

..turns out he fired her too.

Why didn't the mexican archer fire his bow?

Because he didn't habanero..

What’s the difference between a police officer and a bullet?

When a bullet kills someone else, you know it’s been fired

For all my life my dad kept messing with the ledge above the fire place, lengthening it, shortening it, sanding it, painting it. But he died last week. After I got home from the funeral I compulsively got my tools out and raised it six inches higher ...

... I guess you could say I’ve taken up his mantel.

What did the butcher say to do incase there was a fire?

Grab your meat and beat it

A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician walk into an office to discover the trash can is on fire.



The physicist announces "We must put the garbage can in the fridge so that the temperature will be below the ignition temperature and therefore put itself out!"

The chemist replies "No, we must cover the garbage can so that the fire consumes all of the oxygen and, in the absence of re...

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I work in a factory that makes McDonalds french fries...

One of co-workers told me yesterday that he's always wanted to put his dick in the Potato Peeler. I tried to talk him out of it, but I could tell he had already made his mind up to do it. I saw him today; he was clearing out his desk. "So you went ahead and did it?" "Yeah, and I got caught, so they ...

"Why is the alarm in the office going off, boss?" "It's a fire drill...

"You're all getting fired!"

A fire breaks out in the kitchen.

The man rushes over to the emergency station and comes back with a large red tube. He points it at the fire and squeezes the lever. The tube says, “that’s a grease fire!” The man looks closer at what he’s carrying. “Dammit,” he says, “I accidentally bought a fire distinguisher!”

My boss stared at me coldly and grumbled, “You’re fired!" Dejected, I slowly placed my gun and badge on the table. Apparently, he wasn't finished because then he shouted...

“You’re a waiter, brah! Where did you get those!?"

Times were tough at the Daily Planet and Perry White was forced to fire a star reporter. Either Lois Lane or Clark Kent.

He struggled making a decision for days until he went to the grocery store and saw a sign. The next day he called both of them into his office where fired Lois Lane. After she left, Clark Kent asked him, "Perry, how did you decide which of us to fire?" He replied, "I couldn't make a decision until I...

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What do you call a bunch of homosexuals on fire?

LGBBQ

My boss fired me for making jokes about Asians again

It was the end of my Korea

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Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Darryl and Gary.

The three men had always done everything together!!!!!

Darryl arrived first and when the mortician pulled back the sheet Darryl said, “Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.”

The mortician rolled him over, and Darryl said, “Nope, ain’t Bubba.”

The morti...

My Dermatologist was fired today...

I'm told he made too many rash decisions.

It's 2020 and I've just been fired from my job at internet explorer.

The 2008 crash hit us bad.

Did you hear about the moldy piece of cheese that got fired from his job?

I heard he has been on the chopping block for a while

There was a woman who had 100 kids..

She named each of them after numbers in the order they were born. There was a fire and all of them died except Ninety. Ninety went off to have kids of her own. They were very kind and loving. One day they found an injured dog. They took it home and nursed it back to health. They hid the dog and neve...

Trump has found a sure-fire way to shut down TikTok

He's going to buy it and run it himself.

My father always said, you need to fight fire with fire.

Great father, terrible fireman.

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An Englishman, an American and a Japanese guy are on a boat, moments away from plunging over a waterfall to their doom...

Suddenly a genie appears. The genie explains that he is of limited power. He cannot prevent their inevitable deaths, but he can grant each man one wish before he dies.

The American steps up first. 'I love my country. Before I die I want to sing my national anthem one last time. The full versi...

Did you hear about the Rabbi who got fired after a botched circumcision?

He got the sac.

There was a fire in a yodelling school.

Everyone was to exit in an orderly orderly orderly fashion.

Ruth got fired while she was on pregnancy leave

Her company is just ruthless

A guy was paddling a small boat on a lake when it got very cold so he started a fire. He should have known better because ...

You can’t have your kayak and heat it too.

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My massage therapist got fired ...

I guess she rubbed too many people the wrong way

The Coors Brewery in Golden, Colorado has caught fire.

Thank God they have nothing but water there to put it out with.

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So my sex life has been on fire recently!

Gonorrhea really is a bitch.

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The young assistant got fired from the butchers shop, I asked why.....

The butcher replied “I caught him with his dick in the bacon slicer!”

“Oh!” I replied, “what did you do with the bacon slicer?”

“I fired her as well!” said the Butcher.

What does a sloth do when the forest is on fire?

Burn as well.



(Translated from Czech)

What do you call a confident and stylish young fire ant?

Flamboyant

A bartender was fired

A bartender was let go because he kept breaking glasses wile doing fancy tricks as he made drinks.

He was fired for his pour performance.

What did the Mexican fire department name their hose?

Hose A and Hose B.

Did you hear about the music conductor who was fired for inappropriate behavior?

He was caught maestrobating backstage and his manager saw him a beat off

So this blond saw a house on fire and called 911

911: Please state the nature of the emergency.

Blond: There is a house on fire.

911: What is the address?

Blond: I don't know.

911: How do we get there?

Blond: Duh! Red truck.

My teacher told us not to use the elevator in case of a fire.

"Of course," I replied, rolling my eyes. "We'll use the fire extinguisher."

Police arrested two men trespassing on grounds of the local town hall, after searching them the found battery acid and fire works.

They charged one, and let the other off.

Just got fired from da carpet factory.

I can't understand it. I kept telling dem how much I love working on da rugs.

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You know the smallest things can get you fired, one time I got fired because I ripped up a crappy drawing I did

Boy am I never gonna be a tattoo artist again

Pretty girls are like fires...

If you don’t give them oxygen, they die.

I got fired on my first day as a car salesman

Customer: "cargo space?"

Me: " no, car no fly, car go roads"

Manager: " can I see you in my office?"

As a firefighter, I know there is one thing that we always save no matter how bad the fire.

The foundation

I opened the fire exit door for a girl to run out with me out of the burning building. I kept it open for her to come.

"I have a boyfriend!"

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Why did the female pornstar get fired from her job?

She had a fap sheet a mile long!

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A man gets home from work very disgruntled, his wife asks "What is the matter?" (Man) "I got fired from the factory today." (Wife) "Oh honey you poor thing, what did you do now?" (Man) "I stuck my dick in the pickle slicer." Wife *Looks down at his johnson* "What happened to the pickle slicer...?"

She was fired too.

What’s the easiest, yet longest way to get fired?

Say something controversial on Twitter and wait 5 years.

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What do you call a firefighter not on the first floor of the fire station during an emergency?

A part time stripper

I just got fired from the post office

My supervisor took me into his office and we actually had a really good conversation. He told me that I wasn't meeting expectations in my current position, and that they didn't have any other jobs open at the moment. I said that I could see where he was coming from, and that I had no hard feelings. ...

Did you hear about the circus fire?

It was in tents!

Don't use an elevator during a fire.

Use water instead.

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A man is walking down the street an sees that his favorite brothel is on fire

He selflessly runs into the flames and comes back out with a dwarf sex worker. When asked why he rescued her, he says "I always save a little fellator"

Safety Meeting @ Work: They asked me what steps I would take in the event of a fire...

Apparently REALLY BIG ones was not the right answer. 🙄

My boss fake fired me once

I'm still waiting for him to tell me it was a joke

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Some asshole knocked on my door today, telling me I needed to be “saved” or else I would “burn”. I told him to fuck off.

Fucking fireman.

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Boss: You’re fired.

[pauses the porn]. Why?

Florida man fires gun at a retail store.

It was target.

A man fresh out of boot camp is stationed to a fire base in Iraq.

His C.O. is showing him around the base and as the tour is wrapping up he concludes,

"I know it gets lonely out here, but right behind the coms tent is this cammel. If you get lonely just use that."

Confused the solder finds the cammel, it's mangey, and flea bitten, and old. He thinks...

An old woman was sitting next to her fire one day when suddenly a spark jumped out and turned into a fairy.

The fairy told the old woman she could have three wishes.

The old woman thinks for a while and then asks for the following:

1) she wants 10 million dollars

2) she wants to be 18 years old again

3) she wants her faithful tomcat, Tiger, to be turned into a healthy 19 year o...

That booty’s on Fire

I guess you could say its arson

2 guys are on a boat with 3 cigarettes and no fire source to lit them

So they throw 1 cigarette out the boat and the boat comes a cigarette lighter

A man was at a funeral because his entire family was killed in a fire

At the funeral all his cousins and friends were sobbing and crying, but when someone noticed he wasnt even showing emotion they went up and asked "Dont you even care that your family is dead?!"

"I do, I'm just not a mourning person"

Jared from Subway was hired and fired for the exact same reason.

He loved to eat fresh

Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire.

You just can’t eat it twice.

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Damn girl, are you a fire alarm?

Cause you’re fucking loud and annoying.

I hate those people that bang on your door saying you need to be “saved” or else you’ll “burn”

Stupid firemen

I got fired from my job as an animal rights activist

All I said was that sometimes it feels like you’re beating a dead horse when you try to get people to donate

A small joke I remembered

Boss: if I find you sleeping on the job one more time, you're fired!

Employee: sorry boss

Boss: ok, now go and do the sheep inventory

Employee: oh no

What did sideshow Bob work as after he got fired from being a clown?

A bartender

I've been fired from work for putting in too many shifts

Keyboard manufacturing isn't as easy as you think

What do you call a woman who sets her mortgage documents on fire?

Bernadette

My local night club has had to fire their resident DJ

Apparently he wasn't up to scratch

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A man notices his wife's butt is getting big

I bet your butt is as big as my grill."

His wife rolls her eyes, but he gets a tape measure,
measures her bottom, measures the grill, and teases
her that they're about the same size.

That night, he tries to see if he can get lucky. "Not
tonight," says his wife.

He asks ...

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A man is sitting at a bar...

He has been there for three hours just nursing a beer with a shit eating grin on his face. The bartender (after noticing this man has purchased nothing more) walks up to him and says "Dude. You've been here forever with that warm beer, and that dumb smile. What the hell are you so happy about?" ...

In order to stop accusations of racism, Trump decides to hire a Mexican immigrant

However, he doesn't feel confortable having him as an employee and calls him over in his office.

Juan: "Why you call me, jefe ?"

Trump: "You're fired!"


Juan: "Que ?! Why ?!!"


Trump: "Because....uh... Because you didn't finish high school!"

Juan: "Oh, no pro...

While filling my car up, I noticed a woman smoking while filling her car up, silly thing to do, but I know better than to confront strangers about their stupidity. I see two cops on the other side of the street, they can see her but they aren't doing anything about it...

Tax dollars in action I guess.

As I am going to pay I hear this screaming behind me, like "I am dying!" type screaming.

I look around and see that this woman's arm is on fire!

She is literally running around the station waving her arm in the air!

The cops jump into action...

Why I fired my secretary

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,
"Happy Birthday!", and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "Happy Birthday."
...

I had to fire my cook today

He was a thyme waster.

I was fired and kicked out of the hospital on the very first day as a nurse..............

Apparently the sign outside the ward "Stroke Patients Here" meant something completely different!

Three men go on a hunting trip in the woods...

They gather around the fire at dusk. They eat and drink and tell stories. Then slowly the fire goes down, and they finish their drinks. The men have no more stories to tell, and boredom starts to take over.

"ENOUGH!" Says the first man, standing up. "We should do something! I bet the two of ...

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What do Japanese cannibals eat when they have no fire?

Rawmen.

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