This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Marine, A Navy SEAL, and a Delta Force member are sitting around a fire....

The marine says, "I once killed 50 enemy combatants with a single belt of my M249." The Navy SEAL says, "I wiped out an entire enemy compound with my K-Bar." The two look at the Delta Force and expect him to pipe up, but he just stares at the fire, stirring the coals with his penis.

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The owner of a sex shop, hires a new clerk.

After the owner taught him the basics of running the store, he has to run an errand.

'Could you run the store on your own for a couple of hours, Jeremy?' he asks.

'Sure thing boss!' Jeremy replied, 'don't you worry, I've got this.'

So the boss leaves for his errands, leaving you...

A guy with flame tattoo sleeves walks into a building and gets stopped by security.

The security guard tells the guy there are no firearms allowed.

My boss is threatening to fire the employee with the worst posture.

I have a hunch it might be me.

I hate those people who knock on your door and tell you you need to be "saved" or you'll "burn"

Stupid firemen.

One dark night in Dublin, a fire started inside the local chemical plant . . .

In a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around. When the fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fireman in charge and said, "All our secret formulas are in the vault in the centre of the...

Set a fire for a man, he'll be warm for a night

Set a man on fire, he'll be warm for the rest of his life

Fire at the Pub

A firehouse got a call about a pub. The firemen rushed there to see the place ablaze. They could hear someone calling for help from inside. Two of them ran in to see an Irishman trapped under debris. They were able to pull him out as the rest of them fought the fire. One of his rescuers asked how th...

A bunch of soldiers were suddenly under fire by ISIS troops

Officer: Men! FIRE AT WILL!

Will: What did I do?

"If they fire me IM GONNA KILL SOMEONE"

Said the bullet

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Principal: Sorry for calling you in, but your son set the school on fire.

Parents: Arson?

Principal: Yes, your son.

Why do fireman take out the people from building before they put the fire out by water?

Because bros before hose.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I just failed a fire safety course when they asked what steps I would take in case of an explosion.

Apparently “Fucking large ones” wasn’t an acceptable answer.

Why couldn't the Mexican fire his bow?

He didn't habenero.

Give an Eevee a Water Stone and it turns into Vaporeon. Give an Eevee a Fire Stone and it turns into Flareon.

Give an Eevee a couple dollars every month for their art project and it turns into Patreon.

What kind of food causes you to breathe fire when you're sleepy?

A filet mignon

My girlfriend this morning: "Men were made to be heaters. Warm me up"

"Why do you think man discovered fire? So we can get out of these responsibilities"

What do you call pants on fire?

Hot pockets.

You too can help prevent wild fires.

Just a friendly tip. Google your joke before you post it here. It will tell you when the last time it was posted to this sub. Help do your part to keep this sub trash fire free!

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Found this on Twitter

Me: My hot water doesn’t work

Landlord: Not my domain .

Firelord: Nor mine.

Me: What?

Waterlord: [rising out of the sink] WHO DARES DISRUPT THE MIGHTY WATERLORD, GOD OF THE 7 SEAS?

Me: I..I do. My hot water doesn’t work.

Waterlord: Oh shit for real? I'll cal...

The Three Monks

Once upon a time, there were three monks who decided to leave the monastery and open a flower shop where they could sell flowers and exotic plants. They moved into a very small town and were doing quite the good business until one day, they got in an exotic man-eating plant. The monks were quite exc...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

One day Johnny was late for science class. When his teacher asked where he had been, he replied, "I've been putting fire crackers up a frogs arse!"

"Rectum!" Says the teacher, horrified.
"Wrecked 'im!?  It damn near killed him!!"

Cigarettes are like hamsters

Perfectly harmless until you light one on fire and stick it in your mouth

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two cannibals sat by a fire the 1st one says

"I'm going to become a vegan".

The other one says "me too"

The 1st one says " you do realise we have totally fucked up this joke now it won't be funny "

The other one says "yeh well that's vegans for you"

On local news this morning: A woman in Dublin escaped a fire in a block of flats by jumping from the top floor onto a trampoline below.

Several times.

What does a cyclone, flood, fire and a woman have in common?

Sooner or later one of em will get your house....

I was on a beach once, roasting a seagull over a small fire

I heard footsteps on the rocks, and looked up to see a Conservation Officer approaching.

"Hey there, bud, whatcha cookin' there?"

I turned the bird slowly on its stick, then looked at the pile of feathers. "Western Gull, I think."

The officer widened his eyes, "Oh, ya can't be e...

Tinder is used for starting a fire

But its pointless if you don't have a match

Teacher: What should you do when someone opens fire at you?

Blonde: Use a FIRE extinguisher?

Why did Helen Keller fire her housekeeper?

She left the plunger in the toilet.

Why do people use fire during new year

Because fireworks

Two Eskimos sitting, paddling along in a kayak, when one felt a little chilly so he made a little pile of sticks and lit a fire in the craft.

His friend shouted at him to put it out, but the warning was ignored.
Unsurprisingly, the kayak sank quite quickly and finding themselves in the (cold) water, the second Eskimo whacked his idiot mate over the head with a now redundant paddle.
"Ouch!!" said the previously warm Eskimo, "what di...

Two cannibals were sitting by a fire

Wife: Gee! I hate my mother-in-law.

Husband: Then try the potatoes, dearie!

Three Eskimos are sitting around a fire talking about how cold their igloos are.

The first one says come to my igloo and I’ll show you cold. They go to his igloo and he takes a boiling pot of water and pours it out. Before it hits the ground it’s a block of ice. The second one says that’s not cold, come to my igloo and I’ll show you cold. They go to his igloo and he starts to pe...

Why is a fire engine red?

You’d be red too if your hose was showing.

My uncle always used to say "Fight fire with fire"

That's probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Saw a guy betting anyone $50 to see if he could fire a bullet into a pile of cow dung 30 yards away.

I thought to myself, “that’s kind of a crapshoot.”

What's the difference between a male and a female fire sprinkler system?

The male will exhaust the fire, the female will exhaust the water supply

A man was filling up gas in his car when he got some on his jacket

Then he went in the car and lit a cigarette and catches his sleeve on fire. The man, freaking out, gets out of the car and sees a policeman sitting nearby. So he starts waving at him and yelling at him for help, and the cop gets up in a hurry and without a second delay shoots him. The man, now on th...

What do you call a fire fighter that was fired?

Unemployed

But your honor, I didn't mean to hurt anyone when I was playing with fire.

I was just arson around!

My boss tried to fire me for using my paid Christmas vacation to work as a mall Santa

Apparently my contract had a Santa clause

I had to fire some of my body parts this morning.

My bowels were relieved of their duties.

An engineer and a mathematician.

An engineer wakes up and realizes his bed is on fire. He spots a sink and a bucket, so he goes to the sink, fills the bucket, and douses the fire before going back to sleep.

A mathematician wakes up to find his bed is on fire. He spots the sink and the bucket and then goes to sleep satisfied ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Pope and a Cardinal run out of a church on fire

Cardinal: “What about the children?”

Pope: “Fuck the children!”

Cardinal: “Do you think we have time?”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A famous sausage factor gets set on fire.

The flames quickly grew out of control and all near by fire departments are called. The owner of the factory told the firemen that his secret sausage recipe was stored in a vault inside. He proclaimed that the first department to fight off the fire and get the recipes would get a 50000 $ reward. All...

Bullets are so weird

They only do their job AFTER they’re fired

I had a chance to meet with a man who had been on fire.

I just had to know what the experience had been like for him. Intrigued, I asked him about the feeling of being in an inferno.





It was a burning question of mine.

The PPSH-41 is a soviet gun, which a lot of people disliked. It cost too much to reload with a fire rate of 1000 bpm, and had horrible recoil and aim.

Now, this gun is widely unpopular, but it had one upside: in the russian alphabet, “PPSH” consisted of three letters, pronounced “Pa Pa Sha”. In russian, papasha means “daddy”, and so the popular nickname for this gun was “daddy”. My older sister was shot by one during her time in the army, and luck...

What is it called when you leave your office building well before the fire drill begins?

Premature evacuation

My boss came into work today and told us he would fire someone later for not standing up straight

I have a hunch it might be me

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call a dumb ant that can put out a fire?

A Fire-retard-ant

Who decided that the Fire Nation would have Fire Nation Soldiers...

when they could have had Fire Fighters.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Hey girl, are you a fire alarm?

Because shut the fuck up.

If Trump played DnD, what weapon would he use?

Fire staff

There’s a special fire hydrant exclusive to only certain dogs.

It’s for VIPees.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Roses are red, violets are red...

Oh shit that means the gardens on fire.

What do you get when you light a pig on fire?

a piglit

What cut of steak does a fire breather prefer?

Flaming yawn

What is the difference between a non vaccinated child and a fire ant?

A fire ant can live up to 6 years

Holmes and Watson are out hunting one day. John spies something moving in the bushes, and with practiced aim, levels his rifle and fires. They pull aside the brush to reveal a severed leg, with a clean bullet wound just below the ankle.

“Watson!” Holmes cries out. “The game’s afoot!”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

If there was a futuristic story about an alien who caught fire because he masturbated too hard

Would that be science friction?

What's one thing you dont want to have while putting out a fire?

Verizon Wireless.

The blind construction worker at my school accidentally pulled the fire alarm.

I don't think the fire alarm was a drill.

Did you hear about the fire at the shoe factory.

Over 200 souls were lost

My son and I went camping yesterday, when he asked me how to start a campfire. I explained, "You can start a fire by rubbing two sticks together, but make sure they’re the same."

"Then you’ll have a match."

Why could the Fire Nation defeat the Air Benders so easily?

Because wind resistance is negligible

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A blonde was going for a driving test for her license but was nervous as she’d failed 8 times before. After talking with her blonde friends they came up with a sure-fire plan. She was to pick a man as the driving instructor, and to use sex as a bargaining tactic in exchange for passing her

She came back disappointed though, she failed.
“What happened?” her friends asked.
“When I was sucking him off, I crashed”

How did Santa put out a fire?

He used the ho ho hos.

[OC] A Man's House is on Fire

A Man's house is on fire. He is standing on the front lawn when a firefighter arrives. The man tells the firefighter "My wife and baby are in there!"

The firefighter asks: "If I can't save both, which should I bring back?!"

Man quickly responds "My wife. We can always have more babies"...

A weed farm was on fire next to a butcher shop.

The steaks were high.

Where's the fire.....

A firefighter’s wife suspects the hubby is getting some on the side. Being non confrontational , she plays it close to the chest. One day she goes through the hubby’s car and discovers a packet of unused condoms.

With a knowing smile, she soaks ‘em in jalapeño for an hour before putting the...

Why did the Indian set his friend's turban on fire?

It was a sikh joke.

What did the fireman say when the church caught on fire?

Holy smoke!

"Am I the one starting the fires, father?"

You are, son

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Classic Joke for your taste

The first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"

Ms. ...

What happens if you use holy water to put out a fire?

Holy smokes!

A detective ask a Christian after him saved a couple from house fire....

Detective : "You're a brave. Not everyone has courageous to jump in a burning house like you".

Christian smile: "It's my duty as a Christian to save other."

Detective : " So do you know why this house suddenly caught on fire?"

Christian : " 5 years ago when they moved in here , ...

If H2O is inside a fire hydrant what’s on the outside?

K9P

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Bubba got drunk and died in a fire in his trailer.

He was so badly burned that the morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they called his two buddies Jim-Bob and Billy-Joe to I.D. him.

Jim-Bob went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. "Yep, he's got burned up purdy bad. Roll 'im over," said Jim-Bob.

The mortician rolled ...

A baker heard someone scream from inside his oven as he lit a fire to get it going.

Looking inside, he saw that it was his assistant and helped him out. He then asked "What the hell were you doing in there!? You would have gotten baked!", to which the assistant replied "That's what I was trying to do, until you started the fire!"

If Alex Jones and Chris Brown were both on fire and you only had one fire extinguisher...

Where would you hide it?

Walking down a quiet road the other day, I noticed there was a house on fire and people screaming inside.

So I ran up to the front door and said, "How many of you are there?"

"Four!" shouted a man.

"What ages?" I shouted.

"40, 48, and two children, 12, and 3," the man screamed.

"Excellent," I replied. "Excellent."

"So what are you doing? Aren't you going to do anything...

What do you call a ballistic device that only fires birds?

A catapoultry.

There was a fire at Sea World.

Over the intercom, everyone was told to calmly make their way to the exits.
Some staff stayed behind to secure the animals and maybe stop the blaze.
The Pool Manager noticed Timmy was at the entrance of the building with the fire.
He saw Timmy was throwing dead seals across the doorway.
...

My father always told me you gotta fight fire with fire

Great guy, horrible firefighter.

My dad always said "You should fight fire with fire."

But then he was kicked out of the fire service!

What do you call women with a fetish for firefighters?

Fire Hoes.

Did you ever hear about the man who set pastries on fire?

He was a self proclaimed pie-ro-maniac.

Two mathematicians were in a fire safety course

The instructor asks the first one, "You're in a room with a bed, a sink, and a bucket. The bed is on fire. What do you do?"

First mathematician: Fill the bucket with water from the sink, and pour it on the bed.

Instructor: Good. Next question. You're in a room with a bed, a garbage can...

A wife comes back home to her husband only to find out that the building of her apartment has caught fire, 'NSFW'

The place is surrounded by fireman and police officers who are not letting anyone through. The wife hysterically goes forward shouting at them to let her through and that her husband was inside.

The Fireman tries to calm her down, tells her his condolences and that all the people that were i...

The firefighters in Greece are making the fire worse.

You aren't supposed to use water on Greece fires.

Have you ever heard of a Fire Distinguisher?

You point the nozzle at the fire and it says

"Yup, That's Fire."

Bullets are the best employee

It gets fired but still does its job.

What does Patrick Stewart use to keep the fire going?

Captains log