If you build a man a fire he will be warm for a couple hours.

If you set a man on fire he will be warm for the rest of his life.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I got fired for wearing a mini-skirt to work

They said the customers complained about my hanging dick

I just got fired from my job as a taxi driver.

Turns out people don’t like it when you go the extra mile for them.

My boss is threatening to fire the employee who has the worst posture.

I have a hunch it might be me.

A man gets fired by his boss

He turns in his gun and badge and goes to walk out.

His boss looks at him and says, "you're a waiter, where the hell did you get those?"

This is a Mean joke.

A physicist, an engineer, and a statistician go on a hunting trip, they are walking through the woods when they spot a deer in a clearing. The physicist calculates the distance of the target, the velocity and drop of the bullet, adjusts his rifle and fires, missing the deer 5 feet to the left. The e...

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington, DC Nothing was moving.

Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.

The driver rolls down the window and asks,
"What's going on?"


"Terrorists have kidnapped the entire US Congress, and they're asking for a $100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fir...

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Paddy died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly.

So the morgue needed someone to identify the body. His two best friends, Seamus and Sean, were sent for. Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet.

Seamus said, “Yup, he’s burnt pretty bad. Roll him over.”
So the mortician rolled him over. Seamus looked and said, “Nope, it ain...

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A man is fired from his job at the pickle factory NSFW

A man comes home from his job at the pickle factory. “Honey, I got fired today for sticking my dick in the pickle slicer.”

Wife: “My God! What’s happened?”

Husband: “She got fired too”

A fire broke out in a bread factory? What is it called now?

A toast factory

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Her: “Sex last night was ok.” Him: “Sex last night was so hot, we set the bed on fire!”

Fact vs. Friction

I just got fired from newspaper.

I forgot an article.

Yo mama such a ho she got fired from the sperm bank...

...for drinking on the job.

What did the Mexican fire captain name his children?

Hose A and Hose B

McDonald’s fired CEO Steve Easterbrook has already got a new job at Old McDonalds farm

He's their CIEIO

My dad always said to "fight fire with fire."

We weren't very surprised when he got fired from the fire department...

I got fired from the sperm bank yesterday

Apparently you're not allowed to nudge the nearest co-worker and say, "get a load of this guy" every time someone walks in.

I can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory.

All I did was take a day off.

Pikachu is type electric, Charmander is type fire

Snorlax is type 2 diabetic

I'll show myself to the door.

My workplace has a monthly fun day, and this month was PJ Day. But when I showed up in my PJs, I WAS FIRED!

\#justicefornakedsleepers

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A Marine, A Navy SEAL, and a Delta Force member are sitting around a fire....

The marine says, "I once killed 50 enemy combatants with a single belt of my M249." The Navy SEAL says, "I wiped out an entire enemy compound with my K-Bar." The two look at the Delta Force and expect him to pipe up, but he just stares at the fire, stirring the coals with his penis.

“ I swear i will kill someone if they fire me”

Said the bullet

Why did the cross-eyed teacher get fired?

She couldn't control her pupils.

Y'all ever just stop & think about all of the amazing, world changing, discoveries/inventions we use every day? Fire, the internet, refrigeration, the wheel, the combustion engine. My favorite invention?

The shovel. That was truly groundbreaking.

Without a doubt, my favorite Robin Williams movie is Mrs Fire.

Without a doubt.

I got fired from the pickle factory for putting my finger in the pickle slicer.

....she got fired too.

My boss fired me for making too many Asian jokes.

It was the end of my Korea.

I'm still China find another job.

If a fire hydrant has H20 inside, what does it have on the outside?

K9P

The UK C.E.O of McDonald's has been fired

Putting his meat between the wrong buns apparently

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I got fired from my job as a music teacher today

Called a student's house and told his parents, "you know, your son John is pretty good in my class. He reminds me of a young Elvis."

"Oh really? Is he really that gifted in music?"

"No," I replied. "I just found him dead on the toilet."

Why didn't rick astley help the victims of a building on fire?

He refused to let them down

I was wrongly fired from my job as a stage designer today...

I left without making a scene.

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I got fired from the keyboard factory yesterday

I wasn't putting in enough shifts, which I thought was some capital bullshit. They're such Ctrl freaks and now I need to find alternate work

I got fired from my job because I kept asking my customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking”.

Apparently the correct terms are “Cremation” and “Burial”.

Reddit asked me to prove I'm human by identifying fire hydrants.

Joke's on them, I'm a dog and that was easy.

Why I Fired My Secretary

This is a true story. Last week was my 40th birthday and I really didn’t feel like waking up that morning. I managed to pull myself together and go downstairs for breakfast, hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, “Happy Birthday!”, and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she b...

One day I decided to slack off at work. I wasn't enjoying my job and was hoping I could work badly and get fired.

None of the other Chernobyl workers seemed to appreciate that.

I said to my wife, "I'd like to fire the maid."

She replied, "You don't pay me enough anyway."

Did you hear Papa John got fired?

He’s now just a pizza history.

What is a brush fire’s favorite place to eat?

Windy’s



I apologize. I’m from California.

Got fired from my job as a security guard.

I had to escort myself out of the building.

What do you call a woman who throws all her bills on the fire......

Bernadette

A kid's parents were told that their kid was involved in a fire

The parents said in unison "But arson didn't do it!"

A blonde was fired from an m&m's factory

She kept throwing in the garbage all those defective m&m's with a "w"

Fire is destroying a world famous landmark in Paris right now.

And there’s notre dame thing they can do about it.

My dad was fired from his job in road work for theft.

I didn't believe it at first, but when I got home, all the signs were there.

After a fire, the corpse of a man is found in a burned-out warehouse. The investigation found that he first set a fire, ate an excessive amount of salt, then used a contraption to bury himself in tons more.

The investigators concluded that his self-preservation instinct must have kicked in.

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An entire dorm of teenage girls burns down, and tragically, 23 girls were killed in the fire.

Being young, they all go to heaven. In front of the pearly gates, St. Peter has them all line up. The first girl approaches and asks, "What do I have to do to get into heaven?"

"Well," Peter says, "have you ever touched a penis?"

"I did once. But I just poked it!" The girl replies....

I got fired from my Bingo Caller Job...

Apparently "A meal for two with a hairy view" is not the way you say 69.

I failed a health and safety course yesterday. One of the questions was ‘in the event of a fire, what steps would you take?’

‘Large ones’ was apparently the wrong answer

Why didn't the Mexican archer fire his bow?

He didn't habanero.

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I just got fired from my job as a massage therapist

My boss said I rub people the wrong way

Whenever they say "fire at will..."

I always feel bad for Will.

You're fired!

A company hired a new CEO. This boss wanted to get rid all of the slackers.

One day, he saw a young man against the wall. He wanted to prove himself that he meant business.
The CEO walked up to the man and asked, "How much do you make a week?"

The man replied"$200 a week. Why?"
<...

Roses are red,

Roses are red,

violets are red,

trees are red,

grass is red,



fu\*k my garden's on fire

I got fired from my job at the bank today.

An old lady came in and asked me to check her balance,

so I pushed her over.

On my first day at my new job I was fired for not tucking in my shirt.

How I was supposed to tuck in a crop top is beyond me.

Why did Santa get fired from his construction job?

He kept coming down the chimney

Did you hear about the fire at the shoe factory?

A lot of good soles were lost...

Why did the doctor get fired from their side job at Starbucks?

They kept making the customers turn their head and coffee.

An old dime store novel writer walks into a saloon...

An old west dime novel writer is out looking for a good story when he wanders into a saloon. He sees a group of rough rider lookin' scoundrels playing poker and he musters up enough courage to sit down with 'em (thinkin' he might get a story out if he was lucky). "Mind if I play?"

The others ...

I was fired from my position in the birth ward at the hospital, but I thought I was doing a great job

Everybody kept saying I was killing it whenever I wrapped the umbilical cord around the baby’s neck to pull it out more easily

Wood fired pizza

How will pizza get a job now?

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink

Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.
<...

As I'm sure you're all aware, the Notre Dame Cathedral is on fire.

They don't know who did it, but they have a hunch.

BREAKING : Prison guard responsible for watching Jeffrey Epstein killed in tragic house fire

Time of death was 11:26am, tomorrow.

I got fired from my job today, for helping a client.

Apparently, you aren't supposed to give ideas on how to die, when they call you at Suicide Helpline number.

A german fired his revolver

bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang

A stranger asked “How? A revolver only got six bullets”

”Nein!” the german replied

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two missionaries in Africa were apprehended by a tribe of very hostile cannibals who put them in a large pot of water, build a huge fire under it, and left them there.

As the water boiled and the heat grew more and more intense, one of the missionaries started to laugh uncontrollably.

The other missionary can't believe it. He said, "What's wrong with you? We're being boiled alive! They're gonna eat us! What could possibly be funny at a time like this?"
<...

Where do you go if there is a tornado outside and a fire in your building?

Depends on your religion, I guess.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Just a little fire truck

A firefighter was working on the engine outside the Station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl was wearing a firefighter's helmet. The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her...

A man worked his whole life at the pickle factory. One day he came home and informed his wife that he had been fired from his job.

She was in disbelief and near tears. "20 years of your life you gave them, and this is how they repay you!", she shouted, confused. "What happened, why were you laid off?"

"Well, for 20 years since I've worked there I've wanted to stick my pecker in the pickle slicer. Call it curiosity if you...

I got fired from my job as a changing room attendant for opening doors uninvited. They called me “the Knock Less monster.”

Because I was always lookin for free tiddy.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I got fired from my job at the sperm bank. I was just trying to be helpful...

But apparently telling all the patients “It sure takes balls to do what you’re doing” wasn’t appreciated

You guys hear about the fire at the circus?

It was in tents....

My son just told me the school security guard got fired and the new one has only one arm.

He asked, "How will he be able to break up fights with only one arm?"

I replied, "Single-handedly."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hey girl, are you a fire alarm?

Because you're loud and really fucking annoying.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Pissed-off drummer is tired of people saying he's not a real musician.

Goes to the music store and says, "I'll show
'em. Gimme that red trumpet and that accordion."

Music store guy says, "You can have the fire extinguisher but the radiator has to stay."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday

So shespends $ 15,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, "I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 32," is the reply. "Nope! I’m exactly 50," the woman says happ...

As my own boss, I wasn’t sure if I could fire myself, so I decided to test it.

I really let myself go.

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Today a young man was detained after being caught red handed with a giant magnifying glass. He'd been focusing the light to a small dot on to peoples bottoms until they caught fire.

He was prosecuted for arse-sun

How many people have died in the Amazon rainforest fire?

About a brazilian.

Why was the painter fired?

He lacked luster

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Got fired from the butchers today for putting my dick in the mince machine.

She got fired as well..

Why did the grizzly get fired from his job?

He was only doing the bear minimum.....

Yes I know where the door is.....

What do you call it when a janitor is fired for refusing to unclog the restroom toilets?

Dereliction of doodie.

Why did Dave get fired from the orange juice factory?

He couldn’t concentrate

I was fired from my job as a submarine helmsman today.

As to why? I just can't fathom.

Why did the nercophiliac-narcoleptic funeral director get fired?

Because he fell asleep in the job.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife and I were trying to have sex when the slow cooker set off the fire alarm.

I was crock blocked.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I got fired yesterday when my boss caught me masturbating with a vegetable

Apparently, nursing homes have “strict rules” about what you’re allowed to do with the patients

Im reading about a horrific clothing fire in the china. They have the fire put out already but firemen are still searching the building.

Thankfully they have not discovered any casual Ts.

It sucks when people make one mistake and get fired.

A very sad day today. After SEVEN years of training in the medical field and hard work, a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his clients and can no longer work in the profession. What a waste of time, effort, training and money. A genuinely nice gu...

Ben, Dan and Carl were sentence to death by a firing squad because of treason to the state.

Ben was the first up, the general would give the command to his soldiers to shoot. “Ready..Aim...” Then Ben suddenly shouted “EARTHQUAKE!!” All the soldiers hid for cover and Ben escaped. Dan was next. “Ready...Aim...” Then Dan Screamed “TSUNAMI!!” The soldiers hid for cover again and they lost Ben ...

I’ve just been fired from my job as a zoo keeper at my local zoo....

....all the signs said “Do Not Feed The Animals”

I got fired from my summer job at M&M quality control

I threw out a batch of W's.

3 women before a firing squad

3 women were going before a firing squad, and before they went out they all agreed to yell something disastrous to distract the shooters. The first one, a brunette went out and as they ask her if she had any last words, she yelled as loud as she could, "Tornado......"!!!!!!!! The squad ran for cover...

Schools shouldn't have fire alarms.

Because, they're underwater.

There's a man sitting at a bar just looking at his drink...

He stays like that for half an hour. Then, a big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.


The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't s...

Kid, why did you set my wife on fire?

I wanted a hot mom.

I fired my wife from my own company for drinking on work AND wasting office resources.

You know how hard it is to find sperm donors these days?!

A rookie officer was in IA after shooting a man that had flagged him down while on fire.

In his defense, the man had been waving a Fire Arm in his direction.

I just got fired from the pasta factory :(

I made a fusili mistakes.

The Amazon fire isn't that bad.

Sure it's not as good as a Chrome Cast but I still manage to watch Netflix on it.

Why did the crab get fired?

Because he was not moving the company forward.

I got fired from the bank

I don’t know why, the people seemed to love me.

Everybody that spoke to me gave me a tip!

What do you call a snowman playing piano next to the fire

Melting John

I hate those people who knock on your door and tell you that you need to be "saved" or else you'll "burn"

Stupid Firemen

I got fired from the zoo today for talking to Dumbo

Apparently I am not allowed to address the elephant in the room

A woman goes to the pet store to buy a parrot

(Long)

She walks in and the merchant shows her the only parrot they have available. "I must warn you" the merchant said, "this parrot was owned previously buy a sailor and has very foul language". Well the woman, like most of us, thought she could change the parrot so she takes the parrot hom...

A coin manufacturer was fired the other day because he made no cents.

I tried to help, but he wouldn’t change.

Satan is doing his weekly Hell inspection when he finds a man on fire in a sun chair with a piña colada. He asks him “aren’t you hot?”

No, I’m from Phoenix. It’s rather chilly in here.

What do you get when you cross a Leopoard with a Panda?

Fired from the zoo

What does a pimp use to put out fires?

Hose.

Boudreaux and Thibodeaux got fired

They go to the unemployment office and Boudreaux goes in first. The man behind the desk says “Mr. Boudreaux, I’m sorry to hear that you lost your job. What did you do for a living?” Boudreaux replies “I’m a diesel fitter.” The clerk says, “Okay, diesel fitter is skilled labor, so we can give you...

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

Engineer: What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!

Doctor: I don't know but I've never seen such ineptitude!

Priest: Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him.

Priest: Hi George. Say George, what's with that group ahead of us? They're ...

One dark night in Dublin, a fire started inside the local chemical plant . . .

In a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around. When the fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fireman in charge and said, "All our secret formulas are in the vault in the centre of the...

Got fired today because I fell for a scam asking me to wire a sizable amount of company money to a foreign bank account.

If that hadn't been stupid enough, I also confused the foreign bank account with my own.

Did you hear about the cheese factory that caught fire?

the only thing that was left was da brie...

A restaurant server was fired on his first day of work for taking a woman’s salad.

He thought the manager said “Seize her salad!”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s the difference between three dicks and a joke?

Your mom can’t take a joke

(This one almost got me fired from my job after using it to take a piss out of a co-worker)

The worst part about working at the unemployment office?

When you get fired, you still have to show up the next day.

What do you call a missile programmed only to track and fire at Arabs?

A heat-Sheiking missile.

Why was the employee fired for covering his employment terms with Clorox?

It was a bleach of contract

In a hotel a engineer, a physicist and a mathematician...

... are sleeping when a fire breaks out.

The engineer wakes up, notices the fire, grabs the next fire extinguisher and starts spraying.... After what seems hours of heroic fighting the fire is gone and he goes to sleep again.

But the fire breaks out again. The physicist wakes up, notic...

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