Hey, girl. Are you a fire alarm

Because you're annoying and wont shut up

Give a man a fire, and he’ll be warm for a night...

...Light a man on fire, and he’ll be warm the rest of his life.

What's the difference between a Texas energy company and a Dumpster Fire?

A Dumpster Fire creates affordable light and heat.

I got a job at the bank but I got fired!

An old lady asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

Three men were about to be executed by the firing squad.

The first man was brought forward and before they could shoot him he yelled "avalanche"! The firing squad panicked and in the confusion, the man jumped over the wall and into freedom before the firing squad could regroup.

The second man thought what the first man did was clever and when he wa...

A man finds himself in a house fire that he can't control, so he calls 911 and says...

\- Help me, my house is on fire!

\- Alright, calm down and we'll see if we can help you. Have you tried to do anything to stop it on your own?

\- Yes, I've tried pouring some water on it.

\- Alright, but if that didn't help there's no point for us coming there either. We would h...

I am broke. My boss fired me today. My wife left me today. About to be homeless. But not everything is negative.

I am covid positive

I got fired from the calendar factory

just for taking a day off :(

Boss: You're fired. Me: *turns in my gun and my badge *

Boss: You're a waiter where did you get those

My sons teacher got fired for being cross eyed

She couldn't control her pupils.

Why did the guitar teacher get fired?

Because he fingered A minor

Did you hear about the fire at the shoe factory?

10,000 soles were lost!
Police say some heels started it!

A child sets fires around the community.

Mom: My son is a fire starting monster. I raised a criminal.
Dad: It's arson.

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I just got fired from my job as a massage therapist

My boss said I rub people the wrong way

When I was younger, my dad went to prison because he set his boss’s house on fire. I always wondered if I’d wind up in jail like my old man, so I visited him one weekend and I asked him, “Dad, are we all pyromaniacs in this family?” And he said...

“Yes we are, son.”

A fire hydrant with a suit walks into a bar

The barman says “you look quite extinguished”

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are arrested and sentenced to death by firing squad, one by one.

While they wait to be executed they come up with a plan.

Right before they’re about to be shot, each one will yell that some natural disaster or emergency is happening to distract the soldiers. During the distraction, they would be able to escape.

The brunette is first. As she hears ...

I got fired from my last job even though I always gave 100%.

Apparently that's not how you grade exams.

"Ladies and gentlemen," the intercom on a large intercontinental flight announces, "this is your captain speaking. Please look out of the window on the port, or left side of the aircraft, and you will see that the left engine is on fire..."

"Now please look out of the starboard window, or right side of the aircraft, and you will see that the wing is breaking off, and will soon separate from the fuselage..."


"Now, please look down, to the tropical island below. At the beach, you will notice a small orange object. It is a life...

If H2O is on the inside of a fire hydrant...What's on the out side?

K9P

An arsonist lights an economist's house on fire.

When the economist arrives home, he turns on the garden hose in his front yard and sprays a huge blast of water on the fire. This completely puts out the fire, but now a section of the house is covered in water.

The next day, the arsonist lights a chemist's house on fire.

When the chem...

Just got fired as an IT consultant

It all went wrong when my lady boss told me to grab the rack.

My boss is threatening to fire the employee with the worst posture.

I have a hunch it might be me.

An Irishman is pulled from a bar on fire

The firemen, in the interest of finding out the cause ask him, "What started the fire!?"

The Irishman, covered on soot, shakes his head. "Beats me. It was already on fire when I went in."

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Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill

and cook a venison steak. But all of Bubba's neighbors were Catholic....and since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday.

The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest. Th...

Some might say america is a dumpster fire right now

But that's not true because a dumpster fire can actually give a homeless person a source of heat

What do you call a woman who sets fire to her bills?

Bernadette

Priest: Do you have any idea who set fire to the Cathedral of Notre Dame?

Quasimodo: I have a hunch.

Priest: Don’t make this about you.

Today I had to fire the guy I hired to mow my lawn

He just wasn't cutting it

What did the pirate say when his child caught the ship on fire?

Arrrrrrgh Son!

A couple of outdoorsmen were on a lake in their kayak when they started getting cold. But when they lit a fire in their craft it immediately began to sink, proving once and for all that...

...you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.

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A stripper got fired for telling me who to vote for

Apparently pole workers can't do that

My Job Fired Me

They fired me for something that happened a year ago, and they just found out today.


I said, “my murder charges have nothing to do with cashiering”

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Everyone got up and cheered when Bob was fired for sexual harassment.

It was a touching farewell.

Got fired today because I asked a crying kid where his parents were

I loved working at an orphanage

Johnny sits at the bar staring at his drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to him, grabs his drink, gulps it down in one swig, and menacingly says, “Well thank you! Whatcha gonna to do about it?"

Johnny burst into tears. "Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can’t stand to see a man crying. What’s your problem?"

"This is the worst day of my life," Johnny says. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot...

Once I got fired from my job just because I was eating chips while I was working.

And after that, I couldn't get a job at any of the other casinos either.

When Peters learned that he was being fired, he went to see the head ofhuman resources.

Since I've been with the firm for so long," he said, "I think I deserve at least a letter of recommendation."
The human resources director agreed and said he'd have the letter that next day. The following morning, Peters found the letter on his desk. Itread, "Jonathan Peters worked for our compan...

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A kid lost his eyelids in a fire a few months back...

So for Christmas this year his parents saved up enough so that he could get surgery to replace them.

In order to do that they had to circumcise him and make him eyelids out of his Willy hoodie.

The surgery went well, and he can once again close his eyes, but I guess now you can say
...

My grandfather always said "son, you need to fight fire with fire..."

Great guy, terrible fireman though

A woman who lived next door to a preacher was puzzled by his personality change.At home he was shy, quiet and retiring, but in the church he was a real fire orator, rousing the masses in the name of God. It was as if he were two different people.

One day she asked him about the dramatic transformation that came over him when he preached.

“Ah,” he said, “That’s my altar ego.”

Larry, a local football star, is jogging down the street when he sees a building on fire. A lady is standing on a third story ledge holding her cat in her arms.

"Hey, lady", yells Larry, "Throw me the cat!"
"No," she cries, "It's too far!"
"I play football. I can catch him!"

The smoke is pouring from the windows. The woman kisses her cat goodbye and tosses it down to the street.
Larry keeps his eye on the cat as it comes hurtling down toward...

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Three Hobos are hunkered down around a jungle fire by the railroad tracks

Reminiscing about the windfalls they'd found in their years riding the rails and living the vagabond life. The first hobo said:

"This one time, a train stopped, and I found a whole case of pork and beans. Took some strength to haul it off and hide it, but I had enough chow to make it through ...

What do you call a disabled person on fire?

Hot Wheels

Fire

A guy goes to a house of prostitution. He selects a girl, pays her $200 up front, and he gets undressed. She's about to take off her sheer blue negligee, when the fire alarms rings!

She runs out of the room, with his $200 still in her hand. He quickly grabs his clothes and runs out after her...

A young man is fired from his job after asking customers if they wanted “smoking or nonsmoking.”

He was fired because the correct terminology in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial.”

What do Russians call it when you put a bullet in a gun and fire it at your head?

Suicide.


What do Russians call it when someone else puts a bullet in a gun and fires it at your head?


Suicide.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This joke got me fired when I worked as a cook. Credit goes to Jackie “The Joke Man” Martling

A husband goes to his wife and says “You’re either going hunting with me, sucking my cock or I’m fucking you in the ass. I’m gonna go get the dogs ready and I’ll be back for your answer.”

After a bit of time, he returns to his wife who defiantly says to him “I’m not going hunting and there’s...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a British man who sets fires to people's behinds?

An arsenist.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did the ex-pornstar get fired from his job at the gas station?

As soon as the tank was full, he’d rip out the nozzle and spray gas all over the car.

I hate those people who knock on your door and tell you you need to get "saved" or you'll "burn"..

Stupid firemen.

Boss said he’d fire me if I made any more country puns

It was the end of my Korea

Saw this notice posted outside a volunteer fire company in December... "Remember to water your Christmas tree..."

..."or we will come and water it for you."

I went to the shooting range for the first time and couldn’t get my gun to fire.

I had to read the trouble shooting section in the manual.

I just got fired on the first day of my job as a nurse at the hospital

Apparently the sign "STROKE PATIENTS" doesn't mean what I thought it meant

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the man have after his wife set his balls on fire?

Honey-Roasted Nuts

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did the Capitol Police not fire any shots?

They didn't know where to aim because there were no black people.

Why was the milkman fired?

Because he was always lait.

Me: "Hello? 911? Emergency! The neighbors house is on fire!"

Dispatcher: "Did you discover the fire?"

Me: "No! Prometheus! but what does he have to do with this?"

Translated - hope it makes sense to you guys :)

Why are Fire Trucks red?

Because they have eight wheels and four people on them, and eight plus four is twelve, and there are 12 inches in a foot, and one foot is a ruler, and Queen Elizabeth was a ruler, and Queen Elizabeth was also a ship, and the ship sailed the seas, and in the seas are fish, and fish have fins, and the...

Did you hear about the newspaper editor that was fired?

Apparently it was quite the sandal

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In breaking news, Trump’s personal library has burned down.

The fire consumed both books and in a tragic twist, he hadn’t even finished coloring the second one.





Edit: Wow! Thank you for all of the awards, I didn't anticipate that. Some people need to relax though. This is just a freakin' joke, not the agenda of a movement.

Also,...

One time I set fire to the Kardashians.....

The blue flame and the smell of plastic was interesting

[science] Why was spongebob fired from his job as a chemist?

His absorbance had no correlation to his concentration.

A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician walk into an office to discover the trash can is on fire.

The physicist announces "We must put the garbage can in the fridge so that the temperature will be below the ignition temperature and therefore put itself out!"


The chemist replies "No, we must cover the garbage can so that the fire consumes all of the oxygen and, in the absence of reac...

A man traveling through Thailand sees a monk light a fire with only the heat from his hands

He walks over to the Monk and says “how did you do that?” The monk replies “with enough training you can do things that appear impossible, what is the one thing you most want to achieve in life?” The man replies “I’d love to be able to jump as high as a house so I can compete in the NBA” the monk re...

Once management wants you fired, you’ll be fired

A king had 10 wild ferocious dogs. He used them to torture and kill any minister that misguided him. A minister once gave an opinion which was wrong and which the king didn't like at all. So he ordered that the minister to be thrown to the dogs.

The minister said, "I have served you loyally f...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My teacher asked me what steps to take in the event of a fire drill

Apparently “fuckin’ large ones” was not the correct answer

A bank in my city recently caught fire and burned down

Iv never seen that much toasted bread before

My Dermatologist was fired today...

He made too many rash decisions

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW: On a dare, I stuck my dick in the meat grinder at work and and then I got fired...

...And she got fired too

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The 6th-grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, “Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?”

No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, “You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I’m going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!”

Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, “Which body part increases to...

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Today, I was fired from my job because I wore a mini skirt

And they have the stupidest fucking excuse: "I dont want to see your cock"

What do you get if Santa goes down the chimney when a fire is lit?

Crisp Kringle.

What do anti-vaxxers do at Covid-19 funerals?

Stare at the ceiling.
_____________
**Thank you** /u/JustNick4 for giving this joke the extremely desirable **Evil Cackle Award**. I've never won an Evil Cackle Award before, so as you can imagine, I'm over the moon. I'm going to put it in the candy bowl every Halloween for the neighbor kids ...

What’s the worst band to play at a house fire?

The Talking Heads

How was the Canadian able to put out a fire while vacationing in Mexico?

With the help of a hose eh.

What did they use to set off the amazon warehouse fire?

Amazon kindle.

Bath night

A couple take in a beautiful young lady as a lodger. She asked if she could have a bath but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bath but if she wanted to she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.......

"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said...

I saw a cow spontaneously catch on fire the other day

Guess you could call it a rare experience

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A worker at a cucumber factory had this strange urge...

He wanted to stick his dick into the cucumber cutter. The urge was growing and growing until he decided to visit a psychiatrist.

The psychiatrist found that the only way to heal the urge was to actually go ahead and do it.

The next day the worker came home early, his wife asked why. As...

Why did the Pepsi employee get fired

They did to much coke

My boss has just fired me for making too many Asian jokes.

Oh well!! That's the end of my Korea.

Last Halloween I was driving my son around and we ran into a fire hydrant.

Probably the worst costume I've ever seen.

I was unfairly fired from the zoo

What was I meant to do? There were signs everywhere saying ‘don’t feed the animals’

Got fired from my job at the keyboard factory

At first I just wasn’t putting in enough shifts, then I couldn’t keep the space clean and finally I lost control

Why did the blonde get fired from the M&M Factory?

She threw away all the w's.

Why was the ticket taker fired?

For not cutting corners.

A struggling corporation fires its CEO and hires a new one. (Oldie but goodie)

The outgoing CEO has a meeting with the new CEO and tells him: "Behind the painting on the wall is a safe. There are three numbered envelopes in the safe. If you find yourself in trouble, and fear for your job, open the first one. The next time you're trouble, open the second, and so on. Do not open...

I came out of the closet to my boss and was fired on the spot

He’s still asking how I got in his closet

My friend got fired at the fizzy drinks factory.

He was soda pressed.

I got fired from the unemployment office on Friday.

My boss said, “Clean out your desk, and I’ll see you in the office on Monday.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Premature Ejaculation Problem

A man was having premature ejaculation problems so he went to the doctor. The doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself." That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol and ran home to his wife. That night the two were ha...

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Two guys are having sex and the house catches on fire. so who gets out first?

The guy on the bottom because he already has his shit packed.

Why Did the Milkman Get Fired?

He was skimming off the top.

Got fired from the sperm bank yesterday

Apparently they were mad at me for saying “Get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A sex addict, an alcoholic and a pot head die and arrive at the gates of heaven.

Jesus is standing there looking at them sternly he says, " I stand at these gates to judge the souls that have passed on. If you do not deserve to enter heaven then you will be cast to the fire filled depths of hell where you will spend all eternity in agony."

The three sinners knowing the l...

The CEO of Coke was fired today

They found traces of Pepsi in his system....

Wait shi........

Tom wants a job as a signalman on the railways.

He is told to meet the inspector at the signal box.

To find out how Tom would react under pressure, the inspector asks him: "What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading for each other on the same track?"

Tom says, "I would switch one train onto the other track, thus ...

I got fired today because I asked a customer whether they wanted it "raw or well done"

I was informed I should have said "burial or cremation" instead.

Reason for getting fired

Don't you think, that getting fired for such a little, like dropping something small on the floor, is quite exaggerated?

\-- Hellen, midwife

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a bunch of homosexuals on fire?

LGBBQ

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two explorers are caught by cannibals and put in a large pot of water to be cooked. As the cannibals start the fire beneath them, one of the explorers starts chuckling to himself.

"What is so damn funny? We're going to die here!"

*"I just pissed in their soup."*

Why don't fire stations have poles any more?

Brexit.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Business was terrible and not picking up. I had to fire somebody, and I narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack.

It was an impossible decision because they were both super workers. 

Rather than flip a coin, I decided I would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning. 

Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night.  She went to the cooler to t...

Two men were hunting deep in the woods one late afternoon

As the sun set over the horizon, the two hunters realized they were lost. Finding themselves outside of signal range and miles from civilization, they mulled over their options for rescue.

"Oh," one man perked up, "I remember reading that if you fire three shots in the air, it's a sign of dis...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did peewee Herman fire his lawyer when he got arrested for masturbating in a public theater?

He figured he could get himself off.

After release from prison, a group of house burglars were hired by the national marijuana museum. Unfortunately they were fired, as after 3 days, they had only managed to set up a single item for display.

Guess they spent too long casing the joint.

I'd like to apologize to all my fellow Californians for the recent forest fires.

Apparently I'm the only one that could've prevented them.

I'll open fire on anyone who says video games make children violent!

wait....

I was fired from an insect repellent company for being dyslexic, so I smashed all their computers.

There’s no files on me.

Why I Fired My Secretary

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning.


I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, 'Happy Birthday!', and possibly have a small present for me.


As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alon...

An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician spend the night in the same hotel.

At midnight, the engineer is awakened by the smell of smoke. He takes a step down the hall and sees a small fire. Thinking fast, he dumps his wastebasket, fills it with water, and puts out the flames. Satisfied, he goes back to bed.

Later on, the physicist is also awakened by the smell of sm...

Two wives go on a girl’s night out and they have to stop to take a dump on the way home.

All the shops and restaurants are closed and there’s nowhere they can go in their busy city. The only bit of grassland they can find nearby is the local church cemetery.


After they’ve both gone in the corner of the cemetery, they realise they have nothing to wipe with. One uses her pantie...

Architects call a layer of bricks a wythe. After the Great Fire of London, where thousands of wooden buildings were destroyed, King Henry VIII passed a law that the walls of all new buildings must be made of at least six layers of brick.

This is known as the six wythes of Henry the Eighth.

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Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Darryl and Gary.

The three men had always done everything together!!!!!

Darryl arrived first and when the mortician pulled back the sheet Darryl said, “Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.”

The mortician rolled him over, and Darryl said, “Nope, ain’t Bubba.”

The morti...

Wood Fired Pizza.

How is Pizza supposed to find another job now?

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A group of golfers get stuck behind a really slow group

Four golfers (a doctor, a lawyer, a priest, and an engineer) are stuck behind a really slow group of golfers. They start to get frustrated, so they call up the course's pro.

"Hey, how come you're letting guys like this on the course? They're hitting their balls all over the place, spending wa...

Fire broke out at a local marijuana farm, and the smoke drifted to a nearby cattle ranch.

The steaks could not have been higher.

Irish Pub In Midtown Manhattan Is On Fire

An Irish pub on 32nd street caught fire one day. Smoke and flames were seen billowing out of the windows and threatening the nearby businesses. Firefighters arrived on the scene within 10 minutes but the fire had spread so rapidly from all the wood (and booze I suppose), and the building was complet...

Who's next in line to get fired?

Doesn't Faucci matter, they'll get rehired.

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