Fire is destroying a world famous landmark in Paris right now.

And there’s notre dame thing they can do about it.

In a hotel a engineer, a physicist and a mathematician...

... are sleeping when a fire breaks out.

The engineer wakes up, notices the fire, grabs the next fire extinguisher and starts spraying.... After what seems hours of heroic fighting the fire is gone and he goes to sleep again.

But the fire breaks out again. The physicist wakes up, notic...

As I'm sure you're all aware, the Notre Dame Cathedral is on fire.

They don't know who did it, but they have a hunch.

I hate those people who knock on your door and tell you that you need to be "saved" or else you'll "burn"

Stupid firemen

Three women are about to be executed. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde. The guard brings the brunette forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim!"

Suddenly the brunette yells, "EARTHQUAKE!!!"

Everyone is startled and throws themselves on the ground while she escapes.

The guard brings the redhead forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim!"

Suddenly th...

If fire and water are both elements, what is steam?

Better than Epic.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Marine, A Navy SEAL, and a Delta Force member are sitting around a fire....

The marine says, "I once killed 50 enemy combatants with a single belt of my M249." The Navy SEAL says, "I wiped out an entire enemy compound with my K-Bar." The two look at the Delta Force and expect him to pipe up, but he just stares at the fire, stirring the coals with his penis.

What did the Mexican fire chief name his two children

Jose and Hose-B

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The owner of a sex shop, hires a new clerk.

After the owner taught him the basics of running the store, he has to run an errand.

'Could you run the store on your own for a couple of hours, Jeremy?' he asks.

'Sure thing boss!' Jeremy replied, 'don't you worry, I've got this.'

So the boss leaves for his errands, leaving you...

Why'd the cheese factory fire the guy with no toes?

They were lack toes intolerant.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two missionaries in Africa were apprehended by a tribe of very hostile cannibals who put them in a large pot of water, build a huge fire under it, and left them there.

As the water boiled and the heat grew more and more intense, one of the missionaries started to laugh uncontrollably.

The other missionary can't believe it. He said, "What's wrong with you? We're being boiled alive! They're gonna eat us! What could possibly be funny at a time like this?"
<...

A bunch of soldiers were suddenly under fire by ISIS troops

Officer: Men! FIRE AT WILL!

Will: What did I do?

My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture

I have a hunch, it might be me.

Build a man a fire, he'll be warm for a day

Set a man on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life

Helium saved 6 people from a house fire.

He’s such a noble gas.

I just failed a fire safety course when they asked what steps I would take in case of an explosion.

Apparently, "extremely large ones" wasn’t an acceptable answer.

One dark night in Dublin, a fire started inside the local chemical plant . . .

In a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around. When the fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fireman in charge and said, "All our secret formulas are in the vault in the centre of the...

A plane's engine suddenly catches on fire

As the plane starts to descend rapidly, a woman gets out of her seat, rips off her clothes and yells

"I want to feel like a woman for one last time!"

A man gets up, takes off his shirt and shouts

"Wash mine, too!"

The teacher told us not to play with fire

Now fire has no friends

Give an Eevee a Water Stone and it turns into Vaporeon. Give an Eevee a Fire Stone and it turns into Flareon.

Give an Eevee a couple dollars every month for their art project and it turns into Patreon.

What's the first thing you do when the strip club is on fire?

You get the hoes out.

My Grandma stopped smoking yesterday, its pretty impressive

Since i set her on fire a week ago

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An office manager had money problems and had to fire one of two employees, either Jack or Jill.

He thought he'd fire the employee who came late to work the next morning. Well, both employees came to work very early.

Then the manager thought he would catch the first one who took a coffee break. Unfortunately, neither employee took a coffee break.

Then the manager decided to see wh...

Please post any animal jokes here. I am collecting outstanding animal jokes, or puns. Thank you.

Start it off with a classic.

A panda walks into a bar. He orders a sandwich, eats it, then draws a gun and fires two shots in the air.

"Why? Why are you behaving in this strange, un-panda-like fashion?" asks the confused waiter, as the panda walks towards the exit. The panda produce...

Why did Marvel fire Mark Ruffalo?

They don't need him. After all, hulk is just a big banner.

The police don’t know who started the fire at Notre Dame,

But Quasimodo has a hunch.

Alternate punchline: but they’ve got a hunch back at the station.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Marine, an Airforce Commando, a Navy Seal and a Green Beret are sitting around a camp fire, telling stories on how strong and tough they are……

**The Marine** said "I can jump out of a plane at 100 feet, without a parachute, break both legs and still run 10 miles"

**The Airforce Commando** said "I can jump out of a plane at 200 feet, no parachute, break my legs and arms, run for 20 miles and swim 5 miles"

**The Navy Seal** sai...

A blonde accidentally starts a fire and then calls 911

Phone operator: hello, what is you’re
emergency?

Blonde: Help my house is on fire!

Phone operator: please remain calm, how do we get there?

Blonde: in a big red truck, duh

My dad always taught me to fight fire with fire:

Which is probably why he lost his job as a fire fighter.

In honor of the Notre Dame fire, here is the only Notre Dame joke I know...

Notre Dame is looking for a new bell ringer, so they put out a help wanted ad in the local paper.

After a few days a man with no arms shows up and inquires about the job.

At first the priest tries to let him down politely when the man insists that they bring him up to the tower s...

One more friendly reminder about the Notre Dame cathedral catching fire...

Consequently, it has become the world's hottest tourist attraction though.

Last night, I tried one of those old tricks where you light your farts on fire.

I couldn't find a lighter, so I used a candle...

Completely ruined my kid's birthday cake!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two cannibals sat by a fire the 1st one says

"I'm going to become a vegan".

The other one says "me too"

The 1st one says " you do realise we have totally fucked up this joke now it won't be funny "

The other one says "yeh well that's vegans for you"

What’s the opposite of a fire ant?

A fire resist-ant

How do you fire a nun?

You cross her off

Fire at the Pub

A firehouse got a call about a pub. The firemen rushed there to see the place ablaze. They could hear someone calling for help from inside. Two of them ran in to see an Irishman trapped under debris. They were able to pull him out as the rest of them fought the fire. One of his rescuers asked how th...

"If they fire me IM GONNA KILL SOMEONE"

Said the bullet

Cigarettes are like hamsters

Perfectly harmless until you light one on fire and stick it in your mouth

Communism is like fire OC

It looks great on paper, but let it run wild and it’ll destroy everything

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Principal: Sorry for calling you in, but your son set the school on fire.

Parents: Arson?

Principal: Yes, your son.

The policeman

A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 in the morning. Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed.

Just then, his wi...

Joan Collins forced to flee fire:

The funeral director has had to make a formal apology as he could have sworn she was dead.

Authorities don't know the cause of the Notre Dame fire

but Quasimoda has a hunch

heard from a friend this am. not mine

Why do fireman take out the people from building before they put the fire out by water?

Because bros before hose.

French investigators aren’t sure how the fire started. But Quasimodo said:

Perhaps flying water tankers could be used to put it out.

Bullets are so weird

They only do their job AFTER they’re fired

So Ubisoft are giving away the French Assassin's Creed game because of the Notre Dame fire...

I guess you could say it's a fire sale.

A guy dressed as a chicken on fire tried to break into my house.

If phoenix anything I'll be mad.

My girlfriend this morning: "Men were made to be heaters. Warm me up"

"Why do you think man discovered fire? So we can get out of these responsibilities"

Fire fighters throw the best parties.

They’ve got a lot of hose with smoking hot bodies.

The Three Monks

Once upon a time, there were three monks who decided to leave the monastery and open a flower shop where they could sell flowers and exotic plants. They moved into a very small town and were doing quite the good business until one day, they got in an exotic man-eating plant. The monks were quite exc...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Found this on Twitter

Me: My hot water doesn’t work

Landlord: Not my domain .

Firelord: Nor mine.

Me: What?

Waterlord: [rising out of the sink] WHO DARES DISRUPT THE MIGHTY WATERLORD, GOD OF THE 7 SEAS?

Me: I..I do. My hot water doesn’t work.

Waterlord: Oh shit for real? I'll cal...

What do you call pants on fire?

Hot pockets.

Tinder is used for starting a fire

But its pointless if you don't have a match

Why did Helen Keller fire her housekeeper?

She left the plunger in the toilet.

I was on a beach once, roasting a seagull over a small fire

I heard footsteps on the rocks, and looked up to see a Conservation Officer approaching.

"Hey there, bud, whatcha cookin' there?"

I turned the bird slowly on its stick, then looked at the pile of feathers. "Western Gull, I think."

The officer widened his eyes, "Oh, ya can't be e...

What does a cyclone, flood, fire and a woman have in common?

Sooner or later one of em will get your house....

You too can help prevent wild fires.

Just a friendly tip. Google your joke before you post it here. It will tell you when the last time it was posted to this sub. Help do your part to keep this sub trash fire free!

Why do people use fire during new year

Because fireworks

If Trump played DnD, what weapon would he use?

Fire staff

On local news this morning: A woman in Dublin escaped a fire in a block of flats by jumping from the top floor onto a trampoline below.

Several times.

My uncle always used to say "Fight fire with fire"

That's probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade

Why is a fire engine red?

You’d be red too if your hose was showing.

What do you call a fire fighter that was fired?

Unemployed

Two cannibals were sitting by a fire

Wife: Gee! I hate my mother-in-law.

Husband: Then try the potatoes, dearie!

A man was filling up gas in his car when he got some on his jacket

Then he went in the car and lit a cigarette and catches his sleeve on fire. The man, freaking out, gets out of the car and sees a policeman sitting nearby. So he starts waving at him and yelling at him for help, and the cop gets up in a hurry and without a second delay shoots him. The man, now on th...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Saw a guy betting anyone $50 to see if he could fire a bullet into a pile of cow dung 30 yards away.

I thought to myself, “that’s kind of a crapshoot.”

Two Eskimos sitting, paddling along in a kayak, when one felt a little chilly so he made a little pile of sticks and lit a fire in the craft.

His friend shouted at him to put it out, but the warning was ignored.
Unsurprisingly, the kayak sank quite quickly and finding themselves in the (cold) water, the second Eskimo whacked his idiot mate over the head with a now redundant paddle.
"Ouch!!" said the previously warm Eskimo, "what di...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Hey girl, are you a fire alarm?

Because shut the fuck up.

But your honor, I didn't mean to hurt anyone when I was playing with fire.

I was just arson around!

An engineer and a mathematician.

An engineer wakes up and realizes his bed is on fire. He spots a sink and a bucket, so he goes to the sink, fills the bucket, and douses the fire before going back to sleep.

A mathematician wakes up to find his bed is on fire. He spots the sink and the bucket and then goes to sleep satisfied ...

My boss tried to fire me for using my paid Christmas vacation to work as a mall Santa

Apparently my contract had a Santa clause

What's the difference between a male and a female fire sprinkler system?

The male will exhaust the fire, the female will exhaust the water supply

I had to fire some of my body parts this morning.

My bowels were relieved of their duties.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A famous sausage factor gets set on fire.

The flames quickly grew out of control and all near by fire departments are called. The owner of the factory told the firemen that his secret sausage recipe was stored in a vault inside. He proclaimed that the first department to fight off the fire and get the recipes would get a 50000 $ reward. All...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call a dumb ant that can put out a fire?

A Fire-retard-ant

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Pope and a Cardinal run out of a church on fire

Cardinal: “What about the children?”

Pope: “Fuck the children!”

Cardinal: “Do you think we have time?”

The PPSH-41 is a soviet gun, which a lot of people disliked. It cost too much to reload with a fire rate of 1000 bpm, and had horrible recoil and aim.

Now, this gun is widely unpopular, but it had one upside: in the russian alphabet, “PPSH” consisted of three letters, pronounced “Pa Pa Sha”. In russian, papasha means “daddy”, and so the popular nickname for this gun was “daddy”. My older sister was shot by one during her time in the army, and luck...