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A husband comes home to his wife after being fired from the pickle factory...

His wife asks him "So what happened?"

The husband explains "I often get bored at work and today my mind was wandering and I thought to myself 'what would happen if I stuck my penis inside the pickle slicer?'"

The wife is clearly blind-sided by this confession and doesn't know what to s...

I got fired from my job as a masseur.

There wasn't any specific incident, apparently I just rub people the wrong way.

Three men were about to be executed by the firing squad.

The first man was brought forward and before they could shoot him he yelled "avalanche"! The firing squad panicked and in the confusion, the man jumped over the wall and into freedom before the firing squad could regroup.

The second man thought what the first man did was clever and when he wa...

What's the difference between a Texas energy company and a Dumpster Fire?

A Dumpster Fire creates affordable light and heat.

I went to the shooting range for the first time and couldn’t get my gun to fire.

Now I have to read the trouble shooting section in the manual.

I got fired from McDonald's for constantly eating what was in front of me

And I got fired from the gynecologist for the same reason

If H2O is on the inside of a fire hydrant, what’s on the outside?

K9P

Why did Eminem get fired from his job as a bartender?

He kept telling people “You only get one shot”

Was just thinking that if I shaved and shined my scalp and stood out in the sun, I could blind passersby or start a fire.

Just some random reflections off the top of my head.

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A stripper got fired for telling me who to vote for

Apparently pole workers can't do that

Bad news. I got fired from my job at the bank today.

I mean, it was an easy mistake... An elderly woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

It has been 2 years and still nobody knows why Notre Dame caught fire....

...but Quasimodo has a hunch.

I got fired from work today

I don't know why, I didn't even do anything.

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Tonight, some friends and I got tired of being locked up at home and got together, sat around a fire boasting about how tough we are.

My friend Alex says, "I was driving cattle last year, and was bit on the ass by a rattler. Finished the cattle drive. Took three days before I got the doc to look at me. Didn't shed a tear."

Then Julio says, "Yeah? Well I broke up two bulls that were fighting. One popped out my right eye. I p...

I got fired from the sperm bank yesterday

Apparently you're not allowed to nudge the nearest co-worker and say, "get a load of this guy" every time someone walks in.

Just got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.

They said I wasn't putting in enough Shifts.

But to be honest, I had been looking for an Escape for a while.

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Walking home after a girls' night out, two women pass a graveyard and stop to pee.

The first woman has nothing to wipe with, so she uses her underwear and tosses it. Her friend, however, finds a ribbon on a wreath, so she uses that.

The next day, the first woman's husband phones the second woman's husband, furious: "My wife came home last night without her panties!"
...

What's a sure-fire method to figure out precisely how many grams a chili pepper is?

Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now

Did you hear about the fire at the circus?

It was intense.

I can see why I got fired from working at the cemetery…

I kept making grave mistakes.

Saw some videos about the fires burning near Athens.

Apparently nobody told the firefighters that you can't use water to put out a Greece fire.

Got fired from my new job at the dairy factory for making 1% milk the wrong way...

...instead of following the directions exactly, I just skimmed them.

The Mexican guy next door was fired and kicked out of the house in the same day

You should've seen hispanic

Why are fire trucks red?

Because they have eight wheels and four people, and eight plus four is twelve. Twelve inches is a foot, and a foot is a ruler. Queen Elizabeth is also a ruler, but queen Elizabeth is also a ship, and ships sail the seas, and seas have fish, and fish have fins, and the Fins fought the Russians, Russi...

Sherlock and Watson go camping After a nice fire, roasting s'mores, and talking for a few hours, they finally crawl into their tent and go to sleep

In the middle of the night, Sherlock shakes Watson awake. "Tell me Watson" he said "What can you deduce by looking at the stars?"



Watson, slightly puzzled, said "Well, I can deduce by the number of them that the universe must be incredibly vast, and contain billions of stars. Likely...

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What do you call a Fire Elemental stripper?

A molotov cocktease

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What do Jewish rioters use to start fires?

Mazel tov cocktails

Why was the airbender afraid to face the fire lord?

He had an aangxiety disorder.

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My dick must be enchanted with fire aspect III

Because it burns when I pee

What do you call a woman who sets fire to all her bills?

Bernadette

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What do you call a donkey that's on fire?

The hottest ass you've ever seen

I got fired from the bomb squad yesterday. It's too bad really...

I had a blast working there.

The CEO of Pepsi was just fired

He tested positive for Coke

A blonde was checked into the hospital when a fire broke out.

A blonde was checked into the hospital when a fire broke out. The entire hospital was being evacuated. As the fire spread, a fireman was checking for stragglers when he found the blonde choking on smoke while pulling on a nurse's assistant's gown. The fireman grabbed the blonde and took her outside ...

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Three friends were bragging about who has the most sex

The first guy starts, “Y'all ain't got nothing on me! I can go to any bar and bring home a new woman every night! Not only that, but I drive a corvette and have an 8 inch penis! I've slept with more than 1,000 women!”

Second guy fires back, “Oh yeah? Well I’m a top gynecologist at the highest...

The most ironic part about working at the unemployment office is...

If you get fired, you still have to come in the next day.

My boss: “You’re fired.”

Me: *Turns in gun and badge*

My boss: “You’re a waiter, where did you get those”

Have you heard about the fire at the shoe factory?

Many souls where lost.

What did everyone say about Nathan when he got fired from the fortune cookie factory?

That’s unfortunate.

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I knew a cop that was fired for gross misconduct.

sorry, fucking autocorrect...

\*hired

What is big, long, red, spews a liquid from an opening, generates a lot of excitement among people, adults get to have a big one and children get to have a smaller one, makes people wet and is usually associated with "hot", and is related to/contains words that begin with F and end with U,C,K?

A firetruck :D

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Rabinovich, a Soviet trade official, is called to the Party meeting to be fired.

"Please, I have a family to feed," he begs the Party official.

"Okay," the partorg says, "You will go to Paris to sell Soviet perfume. If you get the contract, we will give you a bonus and let you stay."

So Rabinovich flies off to Paris. A week later, Moscow receives a telegram.
...

What is the difference between grill and house fire?

The size of grilled meat

I recently got fired as an architect

An earthquake came and the building collapsed because it wasn’t stabilized and I said it wasn’t my fault

I was grilling some lettuce over a fire for dinner.

My dad came over, took one look and said: That's chard, you idiot.

A man finds himself in a house fire that he can't control, so he calls 911 and says...

\- Help me, my house is on fire!

\- Alright, calm down and we'll see if we can help you. Have you tried to do anything to stop it on your own?

\- Yes, I've tried pouring some water on it.

\- Alright, but if that didn't help there's no point for us coming there either. We would h...

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Oil well fire fighters

3 tycoons own an oil well that catches on fire. They try everything they can think of to put it out, to no avail. So they call Red Adair, the famous oil well fire fighter. He tells them he can put out the fire, but it will be 3 weeks before he can get there and will cost half a million dollars. ...

Fire Sale!

Our corner deli had a fire last week. They were right back in business the next day, though, selling smoked ham, smoked turkey, smoked cheeses....

Why are fire engines red?

So they can sneak up on fires without being caught.

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Pedro got fired.

For many years he had a powerful desire to put his penis in the cucumber slicer. Unable to stand it any longer, he sought professional help from the factory psychologist.

After six months, the therapist gave up. He advised Pedro to go ahead and do it or he would probably never have any peace ...

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The 6th-grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, “Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?”

No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, “You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I’m going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!”

Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, “Which body part increases to...

Did you hear about the Janitor who got fired for smoking weed?

They claimed he was high maintainence.








Originally by Rick Aston Martin

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Old Soviet joke about two missiles

So USSR and the US finally go to nuclear war. They each fire a missile at each other to while the other out. The two missiles meet each other over half way to their destination.

"Comrade US missile", the USSR one says, "We are about to kill millions of people, let's stop and have a drink."...

I got fired from my job at the calendar factory

I got fired from my job at the calendar factory a couple weeks ago, and all I did was take a few days off.

But it's alright, I think I'm going to become a mirror washer.

It's something I can really see myself doing

Why did the ex-military chef fire his waitstaff?

They weren’t good at taking hors d'oeuvres.

I once got fired from a canned juice company

Apparently, I got canned because I couldn't concentrate.

If you set a fire for a man you'll keep him warm for a few hours

But if you set a man on fire you'll keep him warm for the rest of his life

I got fired from my job as a cashier today...

This customer walked in, picked up something from the counter, walked up to the till and said, "I'd like to pay for a Bagel with Cream Cheese.."

I told him clearly, "I'm sorry sir, we only accept cash or credit"

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This joke got me fired when I worked as a cook. Credit goes to Jackie “The Joke Man” Martling

A husband goes to his wife and says “You’re either going hunting with me, sucking my cock or I’m fucking you in the ass. I’m gonna go get the dogs ready and I’ll be back for your answer.”

After a bit of time, he returns to his wife who defiantly says to him “I’m not going hunting and there’s...

A semi truck full of Ramen noodle caught fire today and the whole shipment was considered ruined

The total loss came out to be $73

I was just fired from my job so I turned in my gun and badge

The other cashiers were quite concerned

What do you call a member of the Bucharest Fire Brigade?

A py-Romanian.

Google just test fired the first fully automated rifle ever made, but it jammed on the first shot!

While going through the diagnostics R&D figured out the problem: ERR 404, GUN FAILED TO LOAD.

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Hey, girl. Are you a fire alarm?

Because you’re annoying, loud as fuck and won’t shut up

3 friends walk into a room.

Never seen this joke on here, but I’m gonna be honest, also didn’t check or look for it first.

An engineer, a scientist, and a theoretical mathematician walk into a room. A fire breaks out and the scientist grabs the fire extinguisher and squirts one tiny spot and the fire goes out.

T...

A Blonde in a Fire

One day a blonde woman is in her house and she smells smoke then her fire detector goes off. She quick runs to the phone to dial 911. She explains to the dispatcher her situation. The dispatcher asked her “how do we get there?” The blonde replies “in a big red truck, duh.”

Why did Eazy-E get fired from Burger King?

Because he wouldn't wrap his Whopper.

Why was spongebob fired from his job as a chemist?

His Absorbance Had No Correlation To His Concentration.

A four-foot tall man was fired from his job

...for microaggressions

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Inigo Montoya finally catches up with the six-fingered man in a monastry in Tibet. He finds him red-robed and shaven-headed sweeping the temple courtyard.

"Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die." he says, drawing the six-fingered sword

The six-fingered man sighs and lowers his arms "I am prepared, my son. I have been freed from Earthly desires and acheived inner peace. I wish for nothing more than to move on to m...

I gave up my seat on the bus to a blind guy and my boss fired me for it.

Guess I'll have to find a bus driving job in a new city.

There was a fire at my local model village today

Eye witness reports claim that flames could be seen from up to 3 feet away

Fire alarms should just play Nickelback

Anyone who stays in the building deserves what they get.

I got fired from the unemployment department.

They're still paying me though.

Vaccinating your kid is like banning fire from a gas station

A good idea

Got fired today because I asked a crying kid where his parents were

I loved working at an orphanage

Lighting a fire is the only thing...

that I do by Hearth.

Why did the parole officer get fired?

He got Bill Cosby a job as a bartender

Smokey the Bear says "Only YOU can prevent wildfires!"

Half the world is burning right now.


*I hope you feel good about yourself.*

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I got fired from my job at the golf club today, here's how the conversation went.

*"This is not acceptable at all! You're fired!"*, said my boss.

"But sir I-"

*"I'm not hearing any excuses! You put your dick inside the golf ball washer!!? This is not acceptable at all!"* my boss replied.

"I understand sir, I'm really sorry."

*"Good. You may leave at on...

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A Chemist, Biologist, and Physicist were captured by Nazis

The Nazis had taken all three scientists to the woods and lined them up on their knees with their hands on their head. They were about to be executed.

The Nazis aim their guns, and the biologist screams "bear". The Nazis turn around expecting a bear, but none was there. The biologist had esc...

Everybody Knows Somebody Called DAVE.

Dave is an advertising executive in L.A., who is always boasting that he knows EVERYONE on the planet, & they all know him.

His colleagues love hearing his stories about this celebrity, or that politician. However, his boss doesn't believe a word & challenges him to prove his boasts....

Little known fact, in the 70s, Jim Morrison was originally the head of Microsoft. But after a few years, he was fired and replaced by Bill Gates.

Apparently, he made better Doors than Windows.

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A man goes bear hunting in the woods

He finds a rather large bear and it spots him. He tries to shoot it but misses. The bear swats the gun out of his hands and trows him to the ground. Then rips his pants off and fucks him in the ass.

A few days later the now very sore hunter come back with a much larger rifle and attempts to s...

I Just got fired from Google

Because I yelled Yahoo! after completing my morning Sudoku at the office

I got fired from my job because I kept asking my customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking”.

Apparently the correct terms are “Cremation” and “Burial”.

My boss is threatening to fire the employee with the worst posture.

I have a hunch it might be me.

I just got fired from my job as a palaeontologist because I didn't recognise a female Stegosaurus .

In my defence I'd only ever dug up Tyrannosaurus Rex, so I'd never seen herbivore.

A woman who lived next door to a preacher was puzzled by his personality change.At home he was shy, quiet and retiring, but in the church he was a real fire orator, rousing the masses in the name of God. It was as if he were two different people.

One day she asked him about the dramatic transformation that came over him when he preached.

“Ah,” he said, “That’s my altar ego.”

"I have to leave work," I told my boss, "my wife is stuck in a house fire!"

"But you're a fireman..." he replied.

I got fired from my last job even though I always gave 100%.

Apparently that's not how you grade exams.

Why did the guy get fired from the hardware store?

He asked a female customer if she needed caulking.

My sons teacher got fired for being cross eyed

She couldn't control her pupils.

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are arrested and sentenced to death by firing squad, one by one.

While they wait to be executed they come up with a plan.

Right before they’re about to be shot, each one will yell that some natural disaster or emergency is happening to distract the soldiers. During the distraction, they would be able to escape.

The brunette is first. As she hears ...

This is ridiculous. It's July 6th and people are still setting off fireworks.

One almost caught our Christmas decorations on fire.

Don't make a decision before you have studied all its aspects ! Don't make a decision when you are angry !

An iron company manager, while touring the company noticed a young man leaning against the wall and doing nothing.

He approached him and said softly, "How much is your salary?"

The young man was calm and surprised by the personal question.

He answered, "2500 dollars a month, sir...

What happened when US Mint worker got fired?

They stopped making money!

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A Russian army officer was fired after having sex with James Bond during a mission.

It was a dishonorable discharge.

There was a firefighter who always recited a poetry verse before extinguishing a blaze.

He was a real prose before hose kinda guy.

This is Captain Sinclair speaking. On behalf of my crew I'd like to welcome you aboard British Airways flight 602 from New York to London. We are currently flying at a height of 35,000 feet midway across the Atlantic.

If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of the aircraft, you will observe that both the starboard engines are on fire. If you look out of the windows on the port side, you will observe that the port wing has fallen off. If you look down towards the Atlantic ocean, you will see a little ...

Why was the shepherd fired?

He fell asleep during inventory

Why was the sheep girl fired?

She was sleeping with the shepherd too.

Today I had to fire the guy I hired to mow my lawn

He just wasn't cutting it

An arsonist lights an economist's house on fire.

When the economist arrives home, he turns on the garden hose in his front yard and sprays a huge blast of water on the fire. This completely puts out the fire, but now a section of the house is covered in water.

The next day, the arsonist lights a chemist's house on fire.

When the chem...

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My favorite joke

I went to go visit my friend Chuck on his farm out in Greater Minnesota, and he's showing off his barn, crops, and livestock. When we get to the swine corral, there's an enormous boar... with three wooden legs.

So I ask him, "why does that pig have three wooden legs?"

"Well, Steve, tha...

I think I just got fired from my new job.

I thought I'd make a great lumberjack, but the boss just gave me the axe.

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My neighbor’s dog keeps going in my yard

I tell my neighbor politely a few times to keep his dog in his yard, but every evening I come out to a fresh pile.

I tell him to clean it up, but he never does, so I give him an ultimatum: “The next time your dog comes into my yard I am going to cook him.”

The next day, sure as anythin...

Hope You Get a Laugh

Three elderly men were relaxing on the beach in Florida.

One said “I owned a factory in New York state. One winter, the heat didn’t come on, the pipes froze and got water everywhere, and everything was ruined. I decided I was too old to start over, so I took the insurance money, sold the plac...

What’s the difference between a policeman and a bullet?

Atleast when a bullet kills someone. It’s fired.

When I was younger, my dad went to prison because he set his boss’s house on fire. I always wondered if I’d wind up in jail like my old man, so I visited him one weekend and I asked him, “Dad, are we all pyromaniacs in this family?” And he said...

“Yes we are, son.”

Priest: Do you have any idea who set fire to the Cathedral of Notre Dame?

Quasimodo: I have a hunch.

Priest: Don’t make this about you.

Why did the guitar teacher get fired?

Because he fingered A minor

A math and science convention is in town

An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician all attend. One night, the hotel they're staying in catches fire.

The engineer wakes up in the middle of the night and sees his room on fire. He grabs the fire extinguisher and has the fire out in 15 seconds, then goes back to bed

The phy...

Probably unoriginal, thought of this over dinner

What do you call a hypothetical situation where two men in wheelchairs, wielding guns face each other, ready to fire?

Well you can't call it a stand-off, that's for sure.

A traditional tunisian joke I was told by my grandmother and she heard from hers

The bey(King) was missing his mistress who was living far away. He decided to pay her a visit wearing his more expensive clothes, but out of precaution, he decided to first ask his wazir(minister) of weather whether there would be rain on that day.
The wazir paused for 5 minutes, assessing the cl...

Once I got fired from my job just because I was eating chips while I was working.

And after that, I couldn't get a job at any of the other casinos either.

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Maybe repost, but it is a fabulous joke so I'll risk it. (Long, and works better when spoken)

A man is waking up in the morning, when he reads in the newspaper that the circus is coming to town. So he decides to go and see. He gets into his seat and the show starts. He watches the lions, the elephants, the tight rope walkers, and at the end there's a clown insulting people in the audience. T...

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My boss said that salary should not determine job satisfaction.

"Try telling billions of parents that ejaculation should not determine sexual satisfaction," was enough to get me fired.

Hit it on the head!

The village blacksmith finally found an apprentice willing to work hard for long hours. The blacksmith instructed the boy, “When I take the shoe out of the fire, I’ll lay it on the anvil; and when I nod my head, you hit it with this hammer.”

The apprentice did just as he was told. Now he’s th...

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Here It Is! The Poopie list!

Ghost Poopie--The kind where you feel the poopie come out, but there is no poopie in the toilet.

Clean Poopie--The kind where you poopie it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper.

Wet Poopie--The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and it still feels unw...

Scott Morrison was visiting a Sydney primary school and the class was in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asked Mr Morrison if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'Tragedy'.

So our illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a 'Tragedy'

A little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing' in the field and a tractor runs o...

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A man with diarrhoea took a bus

And eventually it quickly turned pretty difficult to hold it in. The bus stopped at the station and the man tried to run to relieve himself but since the bus was all filled up with people, he couldn't leave the bus.

It was at this moment, the brilliant idea occurred to him. He opened the win...

Got fired from my job at the keyboard factory

At first I just wasn’t putting in enough shifts, then I couldn’t keep the space clean and finally I lost control

What do you call a disabled person on fire?

Hot Wheels

Have you heard about the problem with wildfires in Greece?

Apparently you can’t extinguish a Greece fire with water.

Gorilla

A gorilla dies of old age in a zoo in the morning just before opening. It is the only gorilla in the zoo, as they are not very profitable.
However, the gorilla is by far their most popular attraction, and they cannot afford to spend a single day without it. Therefore, the zoo owner asks one o...

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