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Fire Jokes

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I got fired from my job today for having sex at work.

My boss reamed me out and I said, "What was I supposed to do, she was just lying there naked!"

He shouted, "The autopsy! The fucking autopsy!"

Then he fired me and called me the worst Veterinarian ever.

I got fired from my job at the bank today.

An old lady came in and asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

A monk, a nun and a priest all suddenly die in a fire and end up before God...

"You are all going to hell!" he announces. "As despite your dedicated lives you still had sins you did not repent for! However, for your services to me, I will allow you to choose your eternal punishment. You must select 3 different things I find most terrible that humans have experienced before. Ea...

I just fired my sioux chef because I found out he lied on his resume.

Turns out he's navajo.

Got fired from Rolex after spending the last few months developing a 50-hour watch for them.

They really did not appreciate the extra hours I put in

If fire hydrants have H2O on the inside, what is on the outside?

K9P

This lady was at the gas station pumping gas and smoking a cigarette when her arm caught fire...

When the police arrived they shot her for waving a firearm.

I was fired from my job in the Tickle Me Elmo factory

My boss didn't like me giving each Elmo two test tickles.

My father told me always fight fire with fire

Yet thats why he lost his job with the fire service.

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A Marine, A Navy SEAL, and a Delta Force member are sitting around a fire....

The marine says, "I once killed 50 enemy combatants with a single belt of my M249." The Navy SEAL says, "I wiped out an entire enemy compound with my K-Bar." The two look at the Delta Force and expect him to pipe up, but he just stares at the fire, stirring the coals with his penis.

I got fired from my job at the sperm bank.

Every time someone walked in, I said “Get a load of this guy…”

My boss: "You're fired."

Me: turns in gun and badge

My boss: "You're a waiter where did you get those"

My mate got fired from his job recently.

He was working in a board games shop, he got fired for stealing.

He was taking a lot of risks.

Why did the calendar maker get fired from his job?

He took a day off

Our local fire station burned down last night.

Someone must've left the irony on.

“Once, my father came home and found me in front of a roaring fire”

“That made my father very mad, as we didn’t have a fireplace.”

Your son didn't start a fire

It was arson

I got fired from my job as a math teacher

I was supposed to teach the kids what sine divided by cosine was, but I kept going off on a tangent.

Why was the executioner fired?

He didn't make the cut.

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A publishing company is under fire for their headline "Half of Senate Are Fucking Idiots." So they issued a correction the next day

"Half of Senate Are Not Fucking Idiots."

I lost my dissertation in a house fire

At least I think that's what my doctor meant when he said I have 3rd degree burns.

Give a man fire and he'll be warm for a day

Set a man on fire and he'll stop bothering you.

I was confused when my boss fired me for constantly having erection at the office

He is the one who told me he liked seeing employees hard at work.

I just got fired for trying to be flexible at work.

My manager asked me to give him a sec so I told him, "I'll give you all the secs you need."

I got fired from my job yesterday for saying smoking or non smoking

But apparently the correct terms were cremation and burial

Maegan Hall was sad that she needs to find a new job as she was fired from the police department

I suggested her to try being a truck driver as they pay by the load!!

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Jack and Jill

Jack and Jill are two employees of a bottled water company. Business hasn't been too good lately, so the boss decides he needs to fire one of them.

The first day, he keeps an eye on Jack.

Jack comes in early, goes straight to his desk and gets to work. He works solidly all through the ...

I got fired from Arby's because I couldn't quit scratching my junk.

I don't see what I did wrong! I mean, I had gloves on.

There was a fire at an aromatherapy candle factory

The situation is now calm.

I used to be a lifeguard at a public pool....

Until this blue kid got me fired.

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Did you hear about the sewerman who got fired?

He was a shit worker.

I was fired from the keyboard factory yesterday

They said I wasn't putting in enough shifts

Today I got fired for making a child cry at work. I only asked him where his parents were

Working at an orphanage is no joke

The Hitman gets fired!

A very dumb fella wanted to be a Hitman for the Mafia. But he got fired after he failed miserably on his first job!

He burned his lips on the tailpipe of the car he was suppose to blow up!

What did the bullet do after getting fired?

It went ballistic.

The local circus fired the human cannonball a few hours ago

The performer went ballistic and witnesses confirmed the performer was over the hill

I have a fire kink

I just think fire is really hot

Why did the producer of Dirty Jobs get fired?

He was a Mike Rowe manager.

My scout leader used me to start a fire.

I was stoked

A lawyer woke up in the hospital after surgery

He asked, “Why are all the blinds drawn in here?” The nurse answered, “There’s a fire across the street and we didn’t want you to think the operation had been a failure.”

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A restaurant worker was caught with his penis in the tomato slicer.

Both were fired on the spot.

A wife comes back home to her husband only to find out that the building of her apartment has caught fire

The place is surrounded by fireman and police officers who are not letting anyone through. The wife hysterically goes forward shouting at them to let her through and that her husband was inside.

The Fireman tries to calm her down, tells her his condolences and that all the people that were i...

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The little fire fighter

A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little boy next door in a little red wagon with a tiny ladders hung off the side and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The boy is wearing a fire fighter’s helmet and has the wagon tied to a dog and a cat....

Why was blonde eventually fired from the M&M factory?…

She was throwing out all the W’s

Why did Billy get fired from the banana factory?

He kept throwing out the bent ones.

Why did the Fox News Christmas tree catch fire?

They left it too close to the gaslight.

The other day my house caught fire.

The insurance agent said, "Shouldn't be a problem. What kind of coverage do you have?" I said, "Fire and theft." Insurance agent frowned. "Uh oh. Wrong kind. Should be fire OR theft." Apparently, the only way I can make a claim with this coverage is if the house is robbed WHILE it's burning d...

Why did the vampire set Van Helsing’s house on fire?

He likes his stakes well done

I got fired from my job at the suicide hotline

Apparently they aren't familiar with the reverse psychology approach

I once got a job at a company that makes fire hydrants.

I have to quit. There was no place to park.

My wife minored in psychology. She's always using all her amateur psychology when we argue.

When I fired the pool boy, she said, "Well, you know, you're only firing him because he's so young and good looking, and you feel threatened and insecure, because it reminds you of your own mortality, and you're projecting all these insecurities onto someone else in a very passive/aggressive way, be...

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A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile, a zoophile and a pyromaniac

A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile, a zoophile and a pyromaniac
are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution,
bored out of their minds.
"How about having sex with a cat?" asked the zoophile.
"Let's have sex with a cat and then torture it," said the sadist. ...

An athiest wakes up in hell.

He looks around confused at the bright shining sun and the best beach party he's ever seen.
People are singing and dancing, laughing and playing, splashing in the crystal water and drinking, just having the best time.

Shortly the devil walks up to him wearing shorts, hat, and raising a g...

Certain public employees who have to submit daily to the rapid fire ...

... of well-meant but needless questions may be excused if they occasionally turn upon their persecutors. This is how an elevator boy dealt with one of them:

"Don't you ever feel sick going up and down this elevator all day?" a fussy lady asked him.

"Yes, ma'am", courteously replied t...

I’m not having much luck with jobs lately.

I wasn’t suited to be a tailor.

The muffler factory was just exhausting.

I couldn’t cut it as a barber.

I didn’t have the patience to be a doctor.

I wasn’t a good fit in the shoe factory even though I put my soul into it.

The paper shop folded. Pool maintenance...

My doctor said that all the fire extinguisher I’ve been drinking has been too heavy for me

He said I should switch to drinking lighter fluids

I got fired from my job for assuring my clients that I will never let them down

I guess being an elevator operator isn’t my forte

What does a candle do when it gets fired?

It has a meltdown

TIFU: My uniform fetish has been escalating to unhealthy levels. Today I set the apartment on fire just so I could call 911, and I didn't realize my girlfriend was still inside.

Don't worry. I came to her rescue.

"Did you know your son lit the barn on fire!?!"

You mean "arson"?

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A husband comes home to his wife after being fired

His wife asks him "So what happened?"

The husband explains "I often get bored at work and today my mind was wandering and I thought to myself 'what would happen if I stuck my penis inside the pickle slicer?'"

The wife is clearly blind-sided by this confession and doesn't know what to s...

what do you call a police officer with an IQ of 160?

Fired.

My Uncle Jackie turned 80 years young today. He loves telling jokes. Here is one he tells every Thanksgiving, and it gets a huge laugh every time. Enjoy, and Happy birthday Uncle Jackie!

A 75 year old man, his hair is completely white, marries a 22 year old girl and she gets pregnant. Nine months later he is siting in the maternity ward, talking to the nurse.

"Hey! Well how'd I do?"

The nurse says "she had twins!"

"Hehehe! Just goes to show, even if there is ...

A physicist, an engineer, and a statistician go hunting...

The three see a buck a little distance away.

The physicist makes a quick, back-of-the-envelope calculation, assuming an ideal bullet and neglecting wind resistance, and then fires. The bullet lands 10 meters in front of the buck.

The engineer has been doing his own calculations, adding...

I got my first job as an accountant at 22, right out of college. Suddenly, the week after I turned 30, they fired me.

13 years of loyal service to the company, down the drain.

Got fired for being brutally honest...

My boss told me to leave my problems at the door so I told him to go stand by the door.

I was fired from my travel agency operator job today



The order said we need to pick up a 'Thompson Camp', so I sent a bus.

It turned out it was just one guy, but his last name is Camp.....

\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*

This is almost a real story.... Do you know any folks with that last name?

Three men are training to be Vladimir Putin's bodyguards

The training course is exhausting and incredibly challenging. On their last day of training, the instructor separates the three and and puts them in separate rooms, calling them one by one into the Presidential hallway.

"Sergeant Andreyev, come into the hallway."

"Yes, sir!" Andreyev ...

a father told his two sons to cut some fire wood

A father told his two sons two cut some fire wood after they were done cutting the father told the youngest to go up the hill and ask the indian chief how cold the winter is gonna be, once the boy got there he said to the chief 'Chief how cold is the winter gonna be?' the chief turned to the boy and...

I just got fired for making a typo. It’s unreal. Like IT’S A TYPO! It’s not a big deal.

Firstly, “ie” and “y” are often interchangeable. Secondly a neon sign saying “Comedy Here” is way less eye-catching. And thirdly, the client said it themselves, they’d never had so many people walk in their door.

Just got fired from my job as a set designer.

I left without making a scene.

I got fired from the bomb squad today :(

It's too bad really.....

I had a blast working there!

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Joke #3481 A man receives the bad news that he's going to die in the morning

Through an unfortunate miracle of medical science, a man receives the worst news possible from his doctor.

"I'm sorry, but tomorrow morning at precisely 7:23, you're going to have a brain clot that will kill you."

The man is stunned. "But I don't even feel sick!"

The doctor exp...

Breaking News Trump’s personal library just burned down

The fire consumed both books and he hasn’t even finished coloring the second one

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A woman is having sex with a rather large man in the back of a car, when suddenly the man has a heart attack.

The woman tried to get the man off of her, but he's too heavy. Luckily, the woman is able to call 911 with her cell phone.

When the emergency services come, they find that they can only get the man out of thee car by sawing off the roof. After the fire department removes the roof from the car...

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How I got a detention

Before our fire drill, our teacher asked us what steps to take in the event of a fire somewhere in the building.



Apparently, "fucking large ones" wasn't the correct answer...

A third rate magician is doing magic shows on a second rate cruise ship (Long)

The pay is good, the accommodation is comfortable, the food is excellent, and the two show a day workload is easy. The mainly elderly audience seem to enjoy his show which is unoriginal but has the polish of hundreds of repetitions. All in all, it's started out as a great gig except for one glaring ...

Fire broke out at a local marijuana farm, and the smoke began to drift to a nearby cattle ranch.

The steaks were high

Where does Hell fire come from?

A match made in Heaven.

"The best way to a mans heart is through his stomach."

The surgeon was fired later that day.

A man buys a paint factory in a small town.

He visits the local volunteer fire department to see for himself if they'd be able to handle a fire at his plant. What he finds convinces him they could not...the whole fire department consists of one old pumper truck and a bunch of volunteers he finds less than reliable. He tells them "Boys, I'm so...

Years ago at a small private zoo..

they had a gorilla that was popular with small town tourists and the local residents.
Unfortunately the gorilla died of old age and the owner offered one of his employees extra pay to put on a gorilla suit in order to fool the crowds while he figured things out.

Surprisingly, it kinda work...

The unlucky man

There was a very unlucky man , who whenever starts a job, they go bankrupt in a week, whenever he goes to a wedding, they get divorced in a month, whenever he buys a car, it get wrecked in days, ...etc

one day he decided to run away, thinking that even if he brings his bad luck abroad, ...

A man walks by a farm, where he sees a pig with a wooden leg

He's never seen anything like it before; the pig is just wandering around the farm, but with a well crafted wooden leg. His curiosity gets the better of him and he waves the farmer over.

"Sorry to bug you," the man says, "but I just have to ask, how did that pig end up with a wooden leg?"...

Doubtful German police press release

In 2020, German police announced that they had to fire shots at people a total of 62 times throughout 2019.

However, the U.S. Ambassador to Germany doubted these figures, as he did not believe that there have been only two traffic stops in the entire year in the whole of Germany.

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What do you get when you cross an armadillo with a dildo?

Fired from the sex toy company

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Three Soviet generals wager who has bravest soldiers

Soviet army organizes a large military exercise. Three high-ranking officers - an army general, a navy admiral and an air force commander watch the war games from an observation bunker, drink vodka and argue who has bravest men. They can not reach a conclusion, so the army general calls his troops a...

I've just witnessed a police car crash into a fire engine in town.

I was going to ring for an ambulance, but that could've been asking for trouble.

Firemen are called to a burning pub. They drag out an Irishman and asked him how the fire started.

"I don't know." He says, "It was on fire when I went in there."

Job Fair I

I got a job at a company that makes fire hydrants, but I had to give it up. There was no place to park.

Then I went to work for a company at prints calendars. But I knew from the start that my days were numbered.

So I went to work for a moving company. They told me to vacate the premis...

Why was the sheriff looking for Charmander?

He was trying to catch the fire starter.

I worked at a restaurant that specializes in pizza, but I got fired for getting my finger caught in the dough roller...

...she got fired too.

A man walks into a bar to drink his sorrows away

Upon getting seated he is met by the bartender who shows him a magical 12 inch box, seating inside is a magical man playing the most soul touching piece on a mini grand piano.

Curious he asks the bartender, "wow where did you get this? What even is this?" The bartender told him there's a gen...

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A man goes home after being fired from his job at a chips factory.....

Wife is surprised because the man was employee of the month for 10 months in a row.

She asks "What happened?"

"I got fired for putting my penis in the potato cutter. It's been a dream of mine, and I couldn't resist it anymore", the man replied.

The wife, even more surprised afte...

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Two firefighters...

Two fire fighters are butt-fucking in a smoke filled room. The fire chief walks in and says "what's going on"? The fireman says, Sir, this man has smoke inhalation". The chief says, "Why didn't you give him mouth to mouth?" He said, "I did, how do you think this shit got started?"

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There were 3 men.

There were 3 men who grew up together in a small town Jim, George, and Jerry. They were known for the quirks, Jim being a fire bug, George being a nature lover, and Jerry being a deep sea diver. One day Jerry happens upon a bottle with a note on it along the coast. He rushed to show his friends hi...

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Bob and Steve bought a struggling sex toy store.

Bob and Steve bought a struggling sex toy store and worked in it daily, alternating lunchtimes so they could cover all hours. One day, Steve returned from his lunch to an excited Bob.

"Steve, we made a $300 sale, but there's good and bad news!", Bob said upon his return.

"Okay Bob, giv...

A fighter pilot was arrested for attempting to set fire to his lover in bed

In court, the prosecutor asked him why on earth he would do such a thing.

The pilot met his eye and proudly declared:

"Sir, I am a highly decorated fighter pilot, and when I go down, I go down in flames."

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Bubba died in a fire

Bubba died in a fire last night. His body was burned so badly that he couldn't be identified by most of his family.

That is, until his best friends Jim and Cletus were called. Jim and Cletus knew Bubba all his life, and they were certain they could identify Bubba for the coroner.

When ...

A life-long atheist dies and is surprised to find himself before the Pearly Gates.

St. Peter sadly shakes his head and tells him that because of his non-belief, he must be sent to Hell. The Devil greets him there and shows him where he will now spend eternity, a lovely cozy cottage set on a beautiful hillside where the sweet smell of flowers fills the air. The Devil tells him he w...

What do you call a fire at a candy factory in Paris?

A Bon-bonfire.

Why was the mattress happy to be temporarily fired from its job?

It was just happy it wasn’t being laid *on* for a change.

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2 women go out drinking and after a heavy night and a lot of alcohol, decide to take a shortcut through the cemetery.

Whilst taking the shortcut they both have the urge to pee so they duck down behind the gravestones and pee. They realise they have nothing to wipe with, so the first woman decides to use her pants and leaves them there. The second woman was luckier, she found a bouquet of flowers and unwrapped them ...

My circus hired what has to be the world's worst human cannon ball.

Unfortunately he's unionised so we can't even fire him.

Why did you leave your last job?

It was something my boss said.

What did he say?

You're fired.

A man faced execution by firing squad and was asked by the officer in charge if he had any last words...

Safely behind his men, the officer shouted, "SQUAD! PREPARE TO FIRE ON MY MARK! I WILL COUNT DOWN AND GIVE THE ORDER TO FIRE! PRISONER, DO YOU HAVE ANY FINAL WORDS? THREE!"

The prisoner said, "Yes sir, I do."

The officer shouted, "WHAT ARE THEY? TWO!

The prisoner shouted "ABOUT....

A circus performer is late to his next gig

Driving as fast as he can, he is soon pulled over by the police. The cop asks for his license, registration, and proof of insurance, and then asks him where he was going so fast.

"Well, officer, I'm a circus performer, and I'm headed to Springfield to do my juggling act, and I'm late."
...

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a blonde walks into a sex shop

She approaches the cashier and asks about a dildo

"They are on the shelf behind you, pick the one you like"

"Hmmm... the red one!"

"Ma'am, that's the fire extinguisher "

Got my seven year old cousin to laugh at this one

What do you call a mailman who’s on fire?

Dead

Inflation in the US is so bad right now that…

- My friend received a predeclined credit card in the mail.
- CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
- Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
- McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
- Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.
- Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned ...

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Clyde died in fire

His two friends Bill and Ted were called in to identify the body because it had been so badly burned.

Bill went in first and took a look. "yup he's badly burnt, turn him over" So the mortician turned him over and Bill said, "nope, not him."

Next Ted went in and said, "yup he's badly b...

Pilot

A photographer from a well know national magazine was assigned to cover the fires at Yellowstone National Park. The magazine wanted to show some of the heroic work of the fire fighters as they battled the blaze.

When the photographer arrived, he realized that the smoke was so thick that it w...

My friend graduated from medical school after 7 years.

He then got a job at his local clinic, but shortly got fired after that for sleeping with his patients!

He was one of the most promising veterinarians in our class

A Mime Goes To The Zoo...

The mime, who has been down on his luck, begins to perform his act in the middle of the zoo. Just as a small crowd is beginning to gather, a couple of zookeepers come by and escort him away.

The zookeepers bring the mime to see the head zookeeper, who admits to the mime that recently their m...

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