Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day.

Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

I hate those people who knock on your door and tell you that you need to be "saved" or else you'll "burn"

Stupid Firemen

If a fire hydrant has H20 inside, what does it have on the outside?

K9P

I just got fired from my job as a taxi driver.

Turns out people don’t like it when you go the extra mile for them.

“ I swear i will kill someone if they fire me”

Said the bullet

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Marine, A Navy SEAL, and a Delta Force member are sitting around a fire....

The marine says, "I once killed 50 enemy combatants with a single belt of my M249." The Navy SEAL says, "I wiped out an entire enemy compound with my K-Bar." The two look at the Delta Force and expect him to pipe up, but he just stares at the fire, stirring the coals with his penis.

Pikachu is type electric, Charmander is type fire

Snorlax is type 2 diabetic

I'll show myself to the door.

Why didn't the Mexican archer fire his bow?

He didn't habanero.

After a fire, the corpse of a man is found in a burned-out warehouse. The investigation found that he first set a fire, ate an excessive amount of salt, then used a contraption to bury himself in tons more.

The investigators concluded that his self-preservation instinct must have kicked in.

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Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly.

The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Darryl and Gary. The three men had always done everything together!

Darryl arrived first and when the mortician pulled back the sheet Darryl said, “Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him...

My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.

I have a hunch, it might be me.

Three women are about to be executed. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde. The guard brings the brunette forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim!"

Suddenly the brunette yells, "EARTHQUAKE!!!"

Everyone is startled and throws themselves on the ground while she escapes.

The guard brings the redhead forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim!"

Suddenly th...

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An entire dorm of teenage girls burns down, and tragically, 23 girls were killed in the fire.

Being young, they all go to heaven. In front of the pearly gates, St. Peter has them all line up. The first girl approaches and asks, "What do I have to do to get into heaven?"

"Well," Peter says, "have you ever touched a penis?"

"I did once. But I just poked it!" The girl replies....

Where do you go if there is a tornado outside and a fire in your building?

Depends on your religion, I guess.

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Two missionaries in Africa were apprehended by a tribe of very hostile cannibals who put them in a large pot of water, build a huge fire under it, and left them there.

As the water boiled and the heat grew more and more intense, one of the missionaries started to laugh uncontrollably.

The other missionary can't believe it. He said, "What's wrong with you? We're being boiled alive! They're gonna eat us! What could possibly be funny at a time like this?"
<...

BREAKING : Prison guard responsible for watching Jeffrey Epstein killed in tragic house fire

Time of death was 11:26am, tomorrow.

Did you hear about the circus fire?

It was in tents.

Fire is destroying a world famous landmark in Paris right now.

And there’s notre dame thing they can do about it.

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Just a little fire truck

A firefighter was working on the engine outside the Station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl was wearing a firefighter's helmet. The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her...

Schools shouldn't have fire alarms.

Because, they're underwater.

In a hotel a engineer, a physicist and a mathematician...

... are sleeping when a fire breaks out.

The engineer wakes up, notices the fire, grabs the next fire extinguisher and starts spraying.... After what seems hours of heroic fighting the fire is gone and he goes to sleep again.

But the fire breaks out again. The physicist wakes up, notic...

As I'm sure you're all aware, the Notre Dame Cathedral is on fire.

They don't know who did it, but they have a hunch.

Why is there so little media coverage of the amazon fire?

Big ROKU.
Wake up people!

As my own boss, I wasn’t sure if I could fire myself, so I decided to test it.

I really let myself go.

A rookie officer was in IA after shooting a man that had flagged him down while on fire.

In his defense, the man had been waving a Fire Arm in his direction.

Im reading about a horrific clothing fire in the china. They have the fire put out already but firemen are still searching the building.

Thankfully they have not discovered any casual Ts.

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The owner of a sex shop, hires a new clerk.

After the owner taught him the basics of running the store, he has to run an errand.

'Could you run the store on your own for a couple of hours, Jeremy?' he asks.

'Sure thing boss!' Jeremy replied, 'don't you worry, I've got this.'

So the boss leaves for his errands, leaving you...

Kid, why did you set my wife on fire?

I wanted a hot mom.

How many people have died in the Amazon rainforest fire?

About a brazilian.

What do you call a snowman playing piano next to the fire

Melting John

The Amazon fire isn't that bad.

Sure it's not as good as a Chrome Cast but I still manage to watch Netflix on it.

What's weird, hairy, and on fire?

A furry

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My wife and I were trying to have sex when the slow cooker set off the fire alarm.

I was crock blocked.

Satan is doing his weekly Hell inspection when he finds a man on fire in a sun chair with a piña colada. He asks him “aren’t you hot?”

No, I’m from Phoenix. It’s rather chilly in here.

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Today a young man was detained after being caught red handed with a giant magnifying glass. He'd been focusing the light to a small dot on to peoples bottoms until they caught fire.

He was prosecuted for arse-sun

what do you call it when a lady mammal that enjoys swimming a lot, who has an unattractive twin sister, fires a gun at one of her gym buddies who also happens to work with clay as their profession?

hotter water otter daughter shot her potter spotter

I was going to have a relaxing fire with some firewood that I stole.

But then I got paranoid and burned all the evidence.

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Freddie died in a fire

Freddie was a well respected member of his community, however his two best friends James and Thomas were a lot more boisterous and seen as a bit dim witted amongst the neighbourhood. One night Freddie's house catches on fire and Freddie is engulfed in the flames.

The next day a police office...

What does a pimp use to put out fires?

Hose.

Did you hear about the cheese factory that caught fire?

the only thing that was left was da brie...

Amazon Fire

Everyone keeps talking about putting out the Amazon Fire like it's a good thing...

But I didn't think water and electronics mixed very well.

Did you hear the Jim Beam warehouse was destroyed in a fire?

It burned all the way down

There was once a cheese factory. One day however, a fire broke out and the factory was desteoyed.

There was alot of De Brie.

What do you call a missile programmed only to track and fire at Arabs?

A heat-Sheiking missile.

What's the difference between a dumpster fire and an agoraphobic?

The fire eventually goes out.

Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight?

They never mention that part to us, do they .

One dark night in Dublin, a fire started inside the local chemical plant . . .

In a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around. When the fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fireman in charge and said, "All our secret formulas are in the vault in the centre of the...

Did you hear about the fire at the Designer Shoe Warehouse?

Countless soles were lost.

Why are fire trucks red?

Because they are embarrassed to show the hose

I was in a building fire with Sean Connery...

I got third degree burns wondering why he told me shave my shelf...

Trump wakes up from an operation.

“Why are all the blinds drawn doctor?” Trump asked in his sleepy state. The doctor looked up from his clipboard and said,“There’s a big fire across the street and I didn’t want you to think that the operation failed.”

What's worse than yelling FIRE in a mexican neighborhood?

ICE

My wife got mad at me for taking the kids to the fire-station.

Apparently a babysitter would be a less permanent solution...

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Brothel fire

A brothel is burned to cinders but luckily all the dutiful workers made it out unscathed. A reporter on the scene interviewed one of them.

Reporter: What impression has the fire caused in you?

Prostitute: We are all really fucked.

Reporter: true but what impression has the fire ...

Bullets are so weird

They only do their job AFTER they’re fired

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just failed a fire safety course when they asked what steps I would take in case of an explosion.

Apparently “Fucking large ones” wasn’t an acceptable answer.

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An office manager had money problems and had to fire one of two employees, either Jack or Jill.

He thought he'd fire the employee who came late to work the next morning. Well, both employees came to work very early.

Then the manager thought he would catch the first one who took a coffee break. Unfortunately, neither employee took a coffee break.

Then the manager decided to see wh...

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A man was in a Terrible fire.

Third degree burns covers his legs torso arms and face. Luckily he had enough skin intact for skin grafts. The doctor worked tirelessly graphing him from top to bottom. They were almost finished when they got to his eyelids. The doctor was stuck trying to figure out what to do to graft this youn...

If fire and water are both elements, what is steam?

Better than Epic.

All of my posts consistently get too hot. Honestly on fire would better describe them.

Like I don't even try it just happens! But I swear if it happens to me one more time someone else better start trying to fence off this damn volcano.

Someone threw my 70s records on the fire.

It was a disco inferno.

Helium saved 6 people from a house fire.

He’s such a noble gas.

On the 4th of July, almost everyone has a day off, except for fire.

Fire works.

Why'd the cheese factory fire the guy with no toes?

They were lack toes intolerant.

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Two cannibals sat by a fire the 1st one says

"I'm going to become a vegan".

The other one says "me too"

The 1st one says " you do realise we have totally fucked up this joke now it won't be funny "

The other one says "yeh well that's vegans for you"

What did the Mexican fire chief name his two children

Jose and Hose-B

My career is absolutely on fire at the moment.

Only problem is that my career is accident and disaster prevention.

What do you call someone who can’t tell the difference between earth, wind, and fire?

Elementally challenged

Give an Eevee a Water Stone and it turns into Vaporeon. Give an Eevee a Fire Stone and it turns into Flareon.

Give an Eevee a couple dollars every month for their art project and it turns into Patreon.

Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I'll fire you.

Me: ok

Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory.

My Grandma stopped smoking yesterday, its pretty impressive

Since i set her on fire a week ago

If Trump played DnD, what weapon would he use?

Fire staff

How did the pirate warn his child about a fire he had set?

He yelled “Arson!”

A scientist told me my climate change denial was wrong, citing the horrific brush fires we see wiping out swathes of vegetation all over the world.

I told him they were just plants.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A fire destroyed 55.555555% of my Firetruck last night.

Fuck

An engineer, a physicist, a mathematician, and a statistician all walk into different rooms, each containing a bucket of water and a garbage can that is on fire.

The engineer walks into his room. He sees the fire, then sees the bucket. He immediately grabs the bucket and dumps the whole thing on the fire to put it out.

The physicist walks into his room and sees the fire and bucket. He takes out a sheet of paper and calculates exactly how much water he...

The teacher told us not to play with fire

Now fire has no friends

Fire at the Pub

A firehouse got a call about a pub. The firemen rushed there to see the place ablaze. They could hear someone calling for help from inside. Two of them ran in to see an Irishman trapped under debris. They were able to pull him out as the rest of them fought the fire. One of his rescuers asked how th...

What did one fire tell to her husband, after their son's birth?

Honey... This is Arson.

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