The 118+ Best Fire Jokes

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A husband comes home to his wife after being fired from the pickle factory...

His wife asks him "So what happened?"

The husband explains "I often get bored at work and today my mind was wandering and I thought to myself 'what would happen if I stuck my penis inside the pickle slicer?'"

The wife is clearly blind-sided by this confession and doesn't know what to s...

Three men were about to be executed by the firing squad.

The first man was brought forward and before they could shoot him he yelled "avalanche"! The firing squad panicked and in the confusion, the man jumped over the wall and into freedom before the firing squad could regroup.

The second man thought what the first man did was clever and when he wa...

I got fired from my job as a masseur.

There wasn't any specific incident, apparently I just rub people the wrong way.

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A stripper got fired for telling me who to vote for

Apparently pole workers can't do that

What's the difference between a Texas energy company and a Dumpster Fire?

A Dumpster Fire creates affordable light and heat.

I went to the shooting range for the first time and couldn’t get my gun to fire.

Now I have to read the trouble shooting section in the manual.

Why did Eminem get fired from his job as a bartender?

He kept telling people “You only get one shot”

I was fired from the keyboard factory.

They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.

Why did the Fox News Christmas tree catch fire?

They left it too close to the gaslight.

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This joke got me fired when I worked as a cook. Credit goes to Jackie “The Joke Man” Martling

A husband goes to his wife and says “You’re either going hunting with me, sucking my cock or I’m fucking you in the ass. I’m gonna go get the dogs ready and I’ll be back for your answer.”

After a bit of time, he returns to his wife who defiantly says to him “I’m not going hunting and there’s...

It has been 2 years and still nobody knows why Notre Dame caught fire....

...but Quasimodo has a hunch.

Once management wants you fired, you’ll be fired

A king had 10 wild ferocious dogs. He used them to torture and kill any minister that misguided him. A minister once gave an opinion which was wrong and which the king didn't like at all. So he ordered that the minister to be thrown to the dogs.

The minister said, "I have served you loyally f...

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I got fired from my job today for having sex at work.

My boss reamed me out and I said, "What was I supposed to do, she was just lying there naked!"

He shouted, "The autopsy! The fucking autopsy!"

Then he fired me and called me the worst Veterinarian ever.

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A Marine, A Navy SEAL, and a Delta Force member are sitting around a fire....

The marine says, "I once killed 50 enemy combatants with a single belt of my M249." The Navy SEAL says, "I wiped out an entire enemy compound with my K-Bar." The two look at the Delta Force and expect him to pipe up, but he just stares at the fire, stirring the coals with his penis.

Fire is destroying a world famous landmark in Paris right now.

And there’s notre dame thing they can do about it.

I got my first job as an accountant at 22, right out of college. Suddenly, the week after I turned 30, they fired me.

13 years of loyal service to the company, down the drain.

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I just failed a fire safety course when they asked what steps I would take in case of an explosion.

Apparently “Fucking large ones” wasn’t an acceptable answer.

My boss fired me for making too many Asian jokes

It was the end of my Korea

I got fired from the bomb squad today :(

It's too bad really.....

I had a blast working there!

A monk, a nun and a priest all suddenly die in a fire and end up before God...

"You are all going to hell!" he announces. "As despite your dedicated lives you still had sins you did not repent for! However, for your services to me, I will allow you to choose your eternal punishment. You must select 3 different things I find most terrible that humans have experienced before. Ea...

My boss is threatening to fire the employee who has the worst posture.

I have a hunch it might be me.

I got fired from a sperm bank...

Every time someone walked in I'd say "get a load of this guy"

My boss: “You’re fired.”

Me: *turns in gun and badge*

My boss: “You’re a waiter where did you get those”

I got fired from my job because I kept asking my customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking”.

Apparently the correct terms are “Cremation” and “Burial”.

I got fired from the sperm bank yesterday

Apparently you're not allowed to nudge the nearest co-worker and say, "get a load of this guy" every time someone walks in.

**Edit:** Did not expect this joke to take off. Made it to the front page for a little while.

**Edit 2:** Thank you for the gold kind stranger.

I got fired from my job at a bank today

Some elderly lady asked me to check her balance.

So I pushed her over.

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Bubba died in a fire

Bubba died in a fire last night. His body was burned so badly that he couldn't be identified by most of his family.

That is, until his best friends Jim and Cletus were called. Jim and Cletus knew Bubba all his life, and they were certain they could identify Bubba for the coroner.

When ...

TIL: After Pearl Harbor, US warships fired upon friendly u boats heading back to port.

Whoops, wrong sub.

Why I fired my secretary

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,
"Happy Birthday!", and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "Happy Birthday."
...

I've just been fired from the clock making factory

after all those extra hours I put in.

I searched google for "how to start a large fire"

52,000 matches

I've been fired from work for putting in too many shifts

Keyboard manufacturing isn't as easy as you think

As I'm sure you're all aware, the Notre Dame Cathedral is on fire.

They don't know who did it, but they have a hunch.

What do you call a woman who sets fire to all her bills?

Bernadette

A Blonde, a Brunette and a Redhead are against a wall to be executed by a firing line.

Each is given an opportunity for last words. The Redhead is up first: she points and screams "Tornado!" Everyone freaks out and in the commotion she gets away. The Brunette is second and catches on the the plan: she points and screams "Tsunami," fleeing in the confusion. The Blonde has worked out a ...

If H2O is on the inside of a fire hydrant...What's on the out side?

K9P

I was confused when my boss fired me for constantly having erection at the office

He is the one who told me he liked seeing employees hard at work.

A wife comes back home to her husband only to find out that the building of her apartment has caught fire, 'NSFW'

The place is surrounded by fireman and police officers who are not letting anyone through. The wife hysterically goes forward shouting at them to let her through and that her husband was inside.

The Fireman tries to calm her down, tells her his condolences and that all the people that were i...

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I got fired for sticking my dick in the pickle slicer at work.

She got fired too.

I don't know why I got fired from the suicide hotline...

I was doing a great job. They never called back for more help.

I got fired from the unemployment office on Friday.

My boss said, “Clean our your desk, and I’ll see you in the office on Monday.”

One dark night in Dublin, a fire started inside the local chemical plant . . .

In a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around. When the fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fireman in charge and said, "All our secret formulas are in the vault in the centre of the...

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A man got fired from his job

A man got fired from his packaging job at a produce factory. Comes home and wife asksed how it happened.
He: I was feeling hot, so I stuck my dick into the pickle slicer.
She: Oh no! Is your dick ok?
He: Yeah, my dick is fine. They fired me for some workplace ethics rule.
She: And what a...

Got fired from my job at the keyboard factory

At first I just wasn’t putting in enough shifts, then I couldn’t keep the space clean and finally I lost control

My dad was fired from his job in road work for theft...

I didn't believe it at first. But when I got home, all the signs were there.

A woman who lived next door to a preacher was puzzled by his personality change.At home he was shy, quiet and retiring, but in the church he was a real fire orator, rousing the masses in the name of God. It was as if he were two different people.

One day she asked him about the dramatic transformation that came over him when he preached.

“Ah,” he said, “That’s my altar ego.”

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Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Darryl and Gary.

The three men had always done everything together!!!!!

Darryl arrived first and when the mortician pulled back the sheet Darryl said, “Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.”

The mortician rolled him over, and Darryl said, “Nope, ain’t Bubba.”

The morti...

A top Honda executive was told to resign or be fired amidst a scandal

After much consideration, she decided to leave by her own Accord.

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A man goes home to his wife, after being fired from his job at a chips factory

The wife acts surprised, because the man has been employee of the month for 13 months in a row.

She asks "What happened?"

"I got fired for putting my penis in the potato cutter. It's been a dream of mine, and I couldn't resist it anymore", the man replied.

The wife, even more...

I just fired my sioux chef because I found out he lied on his resume.

Turns out he's navajo.

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It the event of a fire, what steps should you take?

Fucking large ones.

I got fired from my job at the dollar store

My boss was angry that I consistently gave out the wrong change. Apparently, I lack cents ability.

A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician walk into an office to discover the trash can is on fire.

The physicist announces "We must put the garbage can in the fridge so that the temperature will be below the ignition temperature and therefore put itself out!"

The chemist replies "No, we must cover the garbage can so that the fire consumes all of the oxygen and, in the absence of re...

I was fired from my job in the Tickle Me Elmo factory

My boss didn't like me giving each Elmo two test tickles.

I got fired from my job as a chef for stealing kitchen equipment.

It's a whisk I was willing to take.

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Two cannibals sat by a fire the 1st one says

"I'm going to become a vegan".

The other one says "me too"

The 1st one says " you do realise we have totally fucked up this joke now it won't be funny "

The other one says "yeh well that's vegans for you"

Fire broke out at a local marijuana farm, and the smoke began to drift to a nearby cattle ranch.

The steaks were high

What did they use to set off the amazon warehouse fire?

Amazon kindle.

Give a man a fire, and he's warm for the night.

Set a man on fire, and he's warm for the rest of his life.

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My brother got fired from his job because he had sex with one of his patients...

its a real shame as he was a great veterinarian

Why was the Pepsi employee fired?

He tested positive for coke.

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are arrested and sentenced to death by firing squad, one by one.

While they wait to be executed they come up with a plan. Right before they are to be shot, each one will yell that some natural disaster or emergency is happening to distract the soldiers and they would be able to escape.

The brunette is first. As she hears the captain counting down to 0 she...

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Husband comes home after getting fired from the pickle factory...

his wife asks, what the hell happened?! He says "I got caught sticking my dick in the pickle slicer." "Dear lord!" she declares. "Are you OK?" "Yea, I'm totally fine." he says. "Was the pickle slicer turned on?" she says, to which the husband replied "Yea, she loved it."

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Business was terrible and not picking up. I had to fire somebody, and I narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack.

It was an impossible decision because they were both super workers.

Rather than flip a coin, I decided I would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.

Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night. She went to the cooler to t...

They say you should test your fire alarm once a month...

But it's costing me a fortune in houses!

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So I was telling my wife about how I got fired from the golf course earlier.

Her: How? What happened?

Me: They caught me putting my dick in the golf ball washer.

Her: \*laughs\* So then what happened to the golf ball washer?

Me: She got fired too.

What did the fire fighter say when the brothel was burning down?

>!We are gonna need more hose!<

Firemen are called to a burning pub. They drag out an Irishman and asked him how the fire started.

"I don't know." He says, "It was on fire when I went in there."

I just got fired from my job as a taxi driver.

Turns out people don’t like it when you go the extra mile for them.

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I got fired from my last job for arranging the vegetables into sexual position

Apparently that's "misconduct" for a special needs teacher.

I got fired from my job at the library...

Apparently the book on women’s rights doesn’t belong in the fiction section.

A young Apache is sitting before a nice little fire, but he's visibly angry.

A friend of his comes by and asks what's the matter.

-Damn fire won't make any smoke and I have an urgent message to send!

The other replies :

-Hmm... you tried putting it out and lighting it again?

What did the worker at the rubber band factory say when he was fired?

Oh snap.

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My brother was fired from a factory job for sticking his dick in the pipe cutter during his shifts.

They fired her at the same time, too.

I got fired on my first day as a car salesman

Customer: "cargo space?"

Me: " no, car no fly, car go roads"

Manager: " can I see you in my office?"

Trojan just had to fire several employees.

Too many people were late.

Two cannibals sitting around a fire

One of them:

"I don't like your mother-in-law at all!"

"Then add some more mustard"

TIFU: My uniform fetish has been escalating to unhealthy levels. Today I set the apartment on fire just so I could call 911, and I didn't realize my girlfriend was still inside.

Don't worry. I came to her rescue.

What do you use to build a fire in the ocean?

Fish sticks.

There was a cross-eyed teacher who got fired

Because she couldnt control her pupils.

Why did the Buddhist coroner get fired?

He kept listing the cause of death as birth.

My father always told me you gotta fight fire with fire

Great guy, horrible firefighter.

What's one thing you dont want to have while putting out a fire?

Verizon Wireless.

I was fired for sending one of my students to detention "for being tardy".

Special education just wasn't for me.

They fired that butcher who accidentally backed into the meat grinder.

They said he was getting a little behind in his work.

Hopefully at least one more day of these Canada fires...

...I gotta brisket hanging on the porch.

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Ever hear about the guy who lit his fart on fire to burn his house down?

He got charged with ARSEn!

This lady was at the gas station pumping gas and smoking a cigarette when her arm caught fire...

When the police arrived they shot her for waving a firearm.

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An Army Ranger, a Recon Marine, a Navy SEAL, and a member of Delta Force are sitting around a camp fire.

An Army Ranger, a Recon Marine, a Navy SEAL, and a member of Delta Force are sitting around a camp fire. The Army Ranger, bragging about his exploits says "You guys aren't so tough, I once parachuted down, marched fifty miles, and killed everyone in sight." The Recon Marine is unimpressed, and says,...

I got fired from my job as a cashier today...

This customer walked in, picked up something from the counter, walked up to the till and said, "I'd like to pay for a Bagel with Cream Cheese.."

I told him clearly, "I'm sorry sir, we only accept cash or credit"

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A publishing company is under fire for their headline "Half of Senate Are Fucking Idiots." So they issued a correction the next day

"Half of Senate Are Not Fucking Idiots."

The Case Of The Industrial Fire

The industrial fire had been raging for a few hours and no one was able to stop it. Someone called all the fire stations in the nearby towns, and almost all of them were there within minutes. Despite managing to contain the fire by forming a circle around it, the center was still going strong, with ...

There was a man whose arm caught on fire.

He got arrested for carrying a firearm.

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My friend got fired from his job at the pickle factory after he got caught with his penis in the pickle slicer.

As for the pickle slicer, she got fired, too.

I got fired from my job finishing concrete

I can’t even

Why was Alan Turing fired from the department store?

He was unable to compute whether or not any given top was a halter top.

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I got fired for wearing a mini-skirt to work

They said the customers complained about my hanging dick

Kids are like fire trucks

I want to take mine to a fire station and leave them there

Interviewer : "Just imagine you're in the 20th floor of a building and it's on fire. How will you escape?"

"It's simple.. I will just stop my imagination."

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Whom to fire?

One day Mr. Smith, the president of a large corporation, called his vice-president, Dave, into his office and said, “We’re making some cutbacks, so either Jack or Barbara will have to be laid off.”

Dave looked at Mr. Smith and said, “Barbara is my best worker, but Jack has a wife and three ki...

I have this bad feeling that I’m about to be fired from my graffiti removal job.

The writing is on the wall.

Why didn’t the Mexican archer fire his bow?

He didn’t habanero

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My uncle used to work in a butcher shop. He got fired for putting his dick in the sausage maker...

...to be fair, she got fired too. But then they got married and had a couple kids, so it all worked out.

My mate got fired from his job recently.

He was working in a board games shop, he got fired for stealing.

He was taking a lot of risks.

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The little fire fighter

A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little boy next door in a little red wagon with a tiny ladders hung off the side and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The boy is wearing a fire fighter’s helmet and has the wagon tied to a dog and a cat....

No one could really figure out who set fire to the Cathedral of Notre Dame….

….but Quasimodo had a hunch.

Our local fire station burned down last night.

Someone must've left the irony on.

There was a fire at an aromatherapy candle factory

The situation is now calm.

Why did the calendar maker get fired from his job?

He took a day off

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I got fired today, because my boss caught me masturbating with a vegetable

Apparently nursing homes have strict rules about what you can do with patients.

A guy looking to get fired calls his boss and says, “Hey boss, what’s the difference between your daughter and tomorrow?”

I’m not coming in tomorrow.

People are shocked that a company fired a woman because of her bad figure.

But in their defense, it was *Figure 2.7: why my boss is an idiot.*

I got fired from my job as a math teacher

I was supposed to teach the kids what sine divided by cosine was, but I kept going off on a tangent.

I lost my dissertation in a house fire

At least I think that's what my doctor meant when he said I have 3rd degree burns.

I have a fire kink

I just think fire is really hot

I once got a job at a company that makes fire hydrants.

I have to quit. There was no place to park.

What do you call a monkey holding a fire cracker?

A Baboom!

What do you call a jacket that's on fire?

A blazer.

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