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Does your dick touch your ass

A five year old boy and his grandfather are sitting on the front porch together, when grandpa pulls a beer out of a cooler.
the little boy asked,
"Grandpa, can I have a beer?" Grandpa replied, "Can your dick touch your ass?" The little boy answered no. Grandpa said "Then you're not man enoug...

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A man walks into the doctor's office with a piece of lettuce hanging out of his ass

The doc takes one look and he says, "Jeeze, it looks like we have one heck of a problem here." The guy responds "this is just the tip of the iceberg."

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"The first thing you should know about working in a mortuary," the teacher said as he removed his latex glove and inserted a finger right up the ass of the body on the table, "You can't be squeamish." He then stuck his finger in his mouth.

The students grimaced as he motioned for them to line up and do the same. 

When the last student had stuck their finger- right up to the knuckle, the teacher insisted- and stuck the finger in their mouth, the teacher said- "The second thing you should know about working in a mortuary is atten...

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My girlfriend said if I turned off the light, I could stick it in her ass.

After I tried, she freaked out and told me never again.

I guess the bulb was hot.

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Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile...

In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults.

One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare. The t...

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Tickle your ass with a feather?

A homeless man is sitting on curb across from a bar. He watches a man across the way speaking to every woman who passes by. Eventually, he leaves with one of the women.  The next day, the same thing happens.  The next day, the homeless man inquires about the man’s secret. “Every woman who passes by,...

So my girlfriend and I are about to get down to doing the deed and she whispers "Turn off the light and stick it in my ass" So I did...

She screamed "It Burns!!". I likely could have waited for it to cool off first.

What has 9 arms and kicks ass???

Def Leppard!!!

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so the new boss is a total ass

doesnt like anyone. I see him standing one late evening by the shredder. staring at it. looking where the buttons are. struggling to see how it works. I decide to help him. get in his good books you know. I ask him can I help, he says yes please with puppy dog eyes. I put the stack of papers in the ...

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What did the avocado say to the orange after the orange told him to citrus ass down?

You aren't my mom, you don't know me until you guacamile in my shoes!

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BREAKING NEWS!! .. Man hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his ass

Doctors describe his condition as stable

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The boy's dad was shaving his beard, then accidentally cut himself. He was so surprised he yelled "Ass!" And the boy heard...

(This might be a repost, but my friend told me it and I thought it was funny.)

The boy's dad was shaving his beard, then accidentally cut himself. He was so surprised he yelled "Ass!" And the boy heard...

"Daddy, what does ass mean?"

"It means... beard."

Downstairs, the b...

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After an amazing 69 with his girlfriend, Kevin remembered he had a dentist appointment.

He was afraid that the dentist would smell pussy on his breath so he brushed his teeth 7 times and on top of that 2 liters of mouthwash.
As he arrived at the dentist he chewed 5 strong mints too.
The dentist told him to take a seat. Feeling confident & relaxed he opened his mouth wide....

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Someone just shoved a bomb into a bull's ass.

Just abominable.

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All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.

"I should be in charge," said the brain, "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."

"I should be in charge," said the blood, "Because I circulate oxygen all ...

What’s the best stone to stick up your ass?

Sodomite

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A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband's keys in the door. "Stay where you are", she said. "He would be so drunk that he would hardly notice".

The husband lurched in the bed and within a few minutes, slept.

A few minutes later the woman, (unsatisfied), asked her lover to continue.

The man was too scared so the woman said, "He is so messed up I'll pull out one of his butt hairs and he won't move a bit". So she did and He did...

Hear about the half-assed hitman?

He assinated people.

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My friend said, “That’s a nice-ass shirt you are wearing!”

I said, “Thanks. Those are called pants, not a ass shirt.”

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My boyfriend was always business as usual in the bedroom until he shoved my handbag up my ass.

Now it's purse anal.

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A train hits a bus full of Catholic highschool girls

They all arrive at the pearly gates, waiting in line to enter heaven.

St. Peter asks the first girl, "Mary, have you ever had any contact with a penis?" She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger." St. Peter says, "Well, dip the tip of your f...

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-That's a nice ass shirt!

- Thank you! But actually it's called pants.

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What do you call eating ass on a plane?

Skyrim.

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85% of women say their ass is too fat, 10% say their ass is too skinny

The other 5% say he’s my husband and I accept him how he is

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What did Ivan say while he was scratching his ass?

Ivan itchy anus

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I think my ass stopped working...

I can't feel shit.

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Never try to shove a piece of a window up your ass.

Its a real pane

How do you get a big international company to kiss your ass?

By dressing up as Winnie the Pooh!

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“Girl, you put the Ass in Asymptote...”

Because I can never seem to touch it.

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WW1 as a bar fight...

Serbia is walking across the bar with a beer in his hand. He bumps into Austria, and spills some beer on his pant leg. Austria is furious, and demands Serbia pay for an entire suit. Serbia can't afford this, so he offers to pay for the dry cleaning.

They argue, Russia tells Austria to back o...

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Yesterday I paid a stranger to knock me unconscious, shove a foreign object up my ass and film the whole thing.

Or as my doctor insists on calling it, a colonoscopy

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If you hit Dwayne Johnson's ass

Does it mean you hit rock bottom

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Today I got called into HR after telling a colleague to eat my ass.

I got off with a warning after explaining that I meant it tongue-in-cheek.

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Husband was screwing his secretary up the ass when his wife walked in

Wife: (sobbing) You can't do this to me!

Husband: I know that's why I am doing it with her!

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As my wife and I lay in bed together, I felt the tension in the air. She then folded her arms and huffed, “You never make the first move.

“Jesus!” I said as I rolled my eyes. “Every night it’s the same thing.”

“Well you don’t!” she moaned. “It’s always me and quite frankly I’m fed up with it. And before you start, it’s nothing to do with you being black.”

“It is,” I said.

“No, it isn’t,” she said.

“You know...

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A bar walks into an ass

Woman says "wrong hole!"

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People say i’m an ass

I guess we really are what we eat.

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Smart-ass kid wants to challenge a famous gunfighter.

He walks into the saloon, and says "My name's Jimmy Johnson, and I'm here to challenge Black Bart to a showdown at noon tomorrow!"

The bartender says "Well, if you're going to try to outdraw Black Bart, you 'd better be prepared."

The kid says "I've got my gun, I've been practicing for...

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I wiped my ass with a piece of rope

I shit you knot!

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My girlfriend told me "I'm breaking up with you because you keep slapping my ass to see it jiggle"

I said "Fine. I hope the door hits you on your way out"

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Fat ass

Doctor: It looks like you are pregnant
.
.
.
.
Boy: seriously?? Am I
.
.
.
Doctor: No,but it looks like you are ..

When she asks, what do you love more, me or my Ass?

Reply: the whole of you.

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Do you know the difference between a brown noser and an ass kisser?

Depth perception.

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I saw someone eating ass...

I can't believe they ate the hole thing!!

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What has two butts and kills people ?

An assassin

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I was about to write a joke about shoving a banana up my ass...

But it seemed too banal.

Whats the worst part about eating ass?

Definitely the corn

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A penis has a sad life

His family is nuts. His neighbor is an ass. His best friend is a pussy and his owner beats him.

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I saw an amazing ass on my way to work today

I wanted to take her home and play with her all night long, until I saw her dad and realized that she was a mule.

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I'm scared of aggressive anal sex

Because it's dangerous ass fuck.

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People who confuse the words "Burro" and "Burrow"...

... don't know their ass from a hole in the ground.

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I wanted to shave my beard for so long, but my lazy ass just won't do it and now it's too late

I guess it grew on me

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Even after 20 years of marriage, my husband still reminds me how juicy my ass looked on our very first date...

Which really pisses me off, since he was the one who suggested Indian food.

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The magic hand. (Long)

A man was going to be going out of town for a while on a work trip, and wanted to make sure his wife didn’t cheat on him. So he decided to go to a sex toy shop to get her something to entertain herself with while he’s away. He enters the store and describes his predicament to the shopkeeper. “If you...

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It's the story of a penguin who was breathing with his ass

One day he sat and he died

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Superhero Nude Beach

Before I write the joke, I wanted to give credit to who it came from. I worked as a reporter very briefly, and we had an older fella that would always tell us one joke a day. He was a great guy and I just wanted to pass on one of his jokes that always stood out to me, so here it is.

If you we...

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What's the difference between a spicy curry and a catholic priest?

The curry at least waits 20 minutes before destroying your ass.

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Our planet has no boobs or ass

Therefore, the Earth is flat

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I was sitting at a bar and asked the bartender where I could find a piece of ass

He told me to go to the back door, down the dark alley and give the woman there 20 bucks. So I go outside and hand a 20 to the woman there and started getting busy. After a few minutes, a cop walks past and shines a flashlight on us and says "What the hell are you doing?" and I said "Having sex ...

Why is it that when two dogs meet they first do nose and then ass?

First name, last name!

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