Why does Santa have such a big sack?

Because he only comes once a year.

As a kid I was told Santa would carry me away in his sack if I was naughty.

I guess this is how I got my claustrophobia.

My friend was killed by a 2 ton sack of falling chickpeas

The police verdict? Hummuscide.

Why did the man get sacked from the calendar factory?

He decided to take a few days off

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A Policeman stops an old women carrying 2 sacks.

One of the sacks has a hole and is leaking 20 dollar bills.
The cop asks the woman, “Where did an old lady like you get all of that money?”

She replies, “Well, there’s a golf course behind my house and when golfers need to go to the bathroom, they stick their penis through a hole in my...

I once spent a whole week wearing a vacuum cleaner sack on my head.

It sucked.

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A man walks up to 3 women wearing potato sacks. How does he know which one is the prostitute?

The one whose sack reads "Idaho"

I got sacked from my job at the guillotine factory today

It’s a cut throat business

Sack of Blonde

3 women are on the run, a blonde, brunette and redhead. The cops chase them along the docks. The redhead yells,
"Hide in these burlap sacks and pretend to be something else inside" They all jump in just as the cops round the corner.

"They're gone! Let's look around just in case.". As they...

My girlfriend and I agreed to try some roleplay in the sack, but right at the end she screamed out the wrong name!

That's the last time I'm ever letting her wear her Starbucks uniform in bed.

They say that Christmas is a Pagan holiday, but...

A senior figure secretly dispensing the contents of his sack for every child he can get to sounds pretty Catholic to me.

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I was sacked today for having sex with a customer in the back of my taxi.

I say taxi... technically it's a hearse.

Did you hear about the short-sighted circumcisionist?

He got the sack.

Last Christmas I made Santa cry...

How you may ask? Just pinch his sack!

I've just been sacked from my job as a prophet..

Did *not* see that coming.

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead were being chased by an axe-murderer...

when they stumbled upon an old abandoned warehouse. Deciding that it was the safest place to hide, the three women entered the warehouse.

Along the back wall of the warehouse were three empty potato sacks laying on the ground. Thinking on their feet, each women got into a sack to hide from c...

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It’s No Nut November and we’re accepting bets until 11/11.

“Step right up and ‘come’ on in! Go make a bet on any male candidate. Claim your prize after No Nut November ends., but ONLY if the candidate don’t nut. It’s $69 per ticket!
Double your winnings if they don’t nut for the next week!”

With semenly impossible odds, this is a good way to net...

A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead were on top of a water tower...

They were eating sack lunches. The brunette pulls his out and says “Damn, I’m tired of my family making me the same sandwiches everyday! If i have another one of these, I’m going to jump off of this water tower and kill myself!” The blonde and the redhead feel the same way because they too have the ...

Why does Santa have such a large sack?

Because he comes only once a year...




Source: Kinda Funny Forums

An Englishman, A Scotsman and an Irish man are running away from a murder

They run into a bar and say to the bartender “quick, we need somewhere to hide, there’s a man trying to kill us!”

The bartender says “there are some sacks in the cellar, hide in them, just pretend to be what was in them before you emptied them.”

So they run downstairs to hide in the sa...

I just got sacked from my job as a veterinary surgeon

I got caught looking at pictures of frogspawn

I have no problem getting women into the sack.

It's getting the sack into the back of my van that's the problem.

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How do you call a developer that hasn't had sex in a while?

Full sack developer.

In Hacky Sack, who wins?

No One, they're all losers

An Englishman, Scotsman and Irishman rob a bank

They each escape the bank with a large sack of money but are being chased by the police. They turn down an alley way but it's a dead end and they decide that jumping in the sacks of money is their best chance of not being arrested.
Three police officers finally catch up and just see the three sac...

How to get ripped in 4 easy steps:

1. Stand on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.
2. Hold a 5-lb potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax. Each day you'll find that you can hold this po...

I had an unhappy childhood. Many's the night I've spent tied up in a burlap sack in the cellar after a thorough beating.

But it doesn't make up for my childhood.

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The Lion gives a royal decree...

In the jungle, the migthy Lion decided that he is too busy dealing with the affairs of the royal court, leaving him unable to hunt his own prey.
Due to this, he decided to give a royal decree, so that the animals in his kingdom must bring him 20 kilograms of raw meat every day. Any animal ...

My in-laws couldn't cope when their cat unexpectedly had 9 kittens, so my wife told me to put them in a sack and throw them in the river…

I did it but it broke my heart.

I quite liked her dad…

A cop was chasing 3 girls

A brunette, a red head, and a blonde.
They run to a nearby barn to hide.
The brunette hides in the dog sack.
The red head hides in the cat sack.
And the blonde hides in the potato sack.

Cop catches up and looks in the barn, kicks the dog sack and the brunette says “ruff”

K...

A hooded robber burst into a bank and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash.

A hooded robber burst into a bank and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash.
On his way out the door, a brave customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off, revealing the robbers face. The robber shot the customer without a moment's hesitation
He then looked around the bank and noticed ...

My know it all sister said that onions are the only vegetables that make you cry.

So I threw a sack of potatoes at her

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What did the testicle torture enthusiast say after a long day?

Ahhh, time to hit the sack.

There were three guys who decided they would bring gifts to the queen. The first guy brought a sack of apples, the second guy brought a sack of oranges, and the third guy brought a bomb.

On their way there, the plane started crashing down, so the first guy lands with his parachute and sees this kid crying he asked, “what’s wrong?” The kid says, “a sack of apples fell from the sky and hit my mom in the head,” the guy apologizes and walks away.

The second guy lands and sees thi...

A blonde boy, and brunette boy, and a redhead were talking one day about swimming.

The brunette boy says, "My dad was so rough on me. He used to take me to the local pool and make me swim laps for four hours a day! I nearly drowned a couple times!"

The blonde boy replies, "You learned to swim in a pool!? My dad just rowed me out to the middle of a lake and threw me over the...

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I nearly got sacked when I was caught masturbating on my first day starting a job as a roofer

Luckily, the boss said I could wipe the slate clean...

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A lizard is walking through the jungle ...

and sees this monkey in a tree smoking weed and says, "Hey monkey what are you doing up in that tree."

"Oh, I gotta smoke up this here weed. You should come up and help me." replied the monkey.

"Well, O.K. I'll be right up."

So the monkey and the lizard are smoking...

Why did the cross eyed teacher get sacked?

He couldn't control his pupils.

To teach me how to swim my dad rowed me out to the middle of a lake and threw me in.

The swimming was easy, it was the burlap sack that gave me a hard time.

I asked my Grandpa for twenty dollars

"Twenty dollars? What for?"

I told him I needed Groceries.

Grandpa said " When I was a boy my mom would give me one dollar. I would ride my bike to the grocers and come back with a dozen eggs, a pound of bacon, two sacks of potatos, a jug of milk, a tin of coffee, and two loaves of bre...

A little old lady and a sack full of $20's

A little old lady was walking down the street, dragging two large trash bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped, and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.


Noticing this, a policeman stopped her and said, "Ma'am, there is money falling out of your bag."
"Oh...

I got sacked last night from the Salvation Army soup kitchen....

.....Ungrateful bleeders, all I said was,
'Hurry up, for Pete's sake, some of us have got homes to go to!'

I was unlucky to be sacked as a chef for using the incorrect fish and herbs

Wrong plaice, wrong thyme

I got sacked on my first day as a 911 dispatcher...

I got a call saying "officer down, officer down"

I said "aw, what's up buddy, I'll cheer you up"

I call my one night stands potatoes.

First I take them in the sack, then I skin them and carve the eyes out, before cooking them.

Surprise! A blonde joke!

A brunette, a ginger, and a blonde are all running from the police. They come across a barn and decide it’s the best place to hide. Once inside, they find a few empty burlap sacks. The police arrive after just a few minutes. Their dogs quickly move the officers towards the burlap sacks where these c...

A sack full of chickens

Two rednecks walk down a dirt path. One man has a big sack over his shoulder. The other man asks what's in the sack. The first man says, "I got me some chickens for dinner tonight." The other man asks how many chickens are in the sack. "Well, I'll tell you," replies the first redneck, "If you can g...

Four guys are driving on a long road trip. It's the middle of the night in the middle of nowhere.

The guy from Idaho takes out a sack of potatoes and starts throwing them out the window one by one.

"What the hell are you doing?", someone asks. "Look, we've got so many potatoes in Idaho. I mean, we're overflowing with them. So whenever I travel I'm supposed to get rid of as many as I can....

Out of respect, there will be no jokes about a bag full of Jesus allowed here...

They're sack religous

Did anyone else's parents teach them to swim by throwing them in the lake? I think the swimming was the easy part.

Getting out of that burlap sack was tricky, though.

3 world leaders are on a plane...

...and are trying to decide who's the most benevolent.

The first leader says "I'm going to solve poverty!" So he tosses bags of money all over the world. He lands at the airport to refuel and he sees a little girl crying outside. "Little girl, why are you crying?" he asks.

She respon...

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A man named Paddy was having a meeting with his manager Nick

Nick turned to Paddy and said to him "Mr Whack, on this CCTV camera, I have caught you having sex with a dog."

"I'm terribly sorry sir" says Paddy, "but there must be some kind of mixup."

Nick looks at him and shouts "I've got CCTV footage of the incident right here" and he plays the s...

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The Octopus Joke Retold

So this guy walks into a bar with an Octopus. He is named the Amazing Octodad, seriously it's on his T-shirt. He heads to the bar, gets a beer and waits for the music to stop. A cute blonde gives a weird wtf look when a tentacle starts wriggling over to tickle her leg but Octodad just winks and says...

An HR manager was knocked down (tragically) by a bus and was killed. Her soul arrived at the Pearly Gates, where St.Peter welcomed her.

“Before you get settled in” he said, “We have a little problem…you see, we’ve never had a HR manager make it this far before and we’re not really sure what to do with you.”

“Oh, I see,” said the woman, “can’t you just let me in?”

“Well, I’d like to,” said St Peter, “But I have higher o...

Did you hear about the Irish Rabbi who specialised in circumcisions?

He slipped and got the sack.

What's the difference between a burlap sack and my nutsack?

The babies in my nutsack are still living.

What did Lewis and Clark only have one sack of on their expedition?

Jawea

Three women escape execution and are on the run

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead. Night soon falls and they find refuge in a nearby farmhouse. The farmer, hearing the commotion, goes to investigate.



As he is poking around he is about to find the brunette, who is hiding in the cow pen. Thinking quickly, she says:



"...

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A man goes into the doctor's office with a strange little lump on his forehead

The doctor does some tests, and then sits the man down.

"I have some bad news for you", the doctor says, "you have a penis growing out of your forehead".

The man is shocked, he yells: "that's horrible! I will look like a freak!"

"No, no, don't worry about that. You won't be ab...

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