UPJOKE
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One Christmas Eve, many decades ago, Santa Claus announced to his elves, "I'm supposed to begin my annual flight in one hour. But there are still some toys that need to be made and put into my sack. I need all seven of my elite toymakers to finish the toys on time."

"I'm so sorry, Mr. Kringle," said the elf in charge of the workshop. "One of the elite toymakers is on vacation, and two are sick. I'm afraid we only have four elites tonight."

"So be it," said Santa.

It took two hours for the elves to finish making the toys. By the time they were done...

Why does Santa Claus have such a big sack?

He only comes once a year.

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A cop sees an old woman carrying two large sacks. One of the sacks has a hole and is leaking 20 dollar bills.

The cop asks the woman, “Where did an old lady like you get all of that money?”

She replies, “Well, there’s a golf course behind my house and when golfers need to go to the bathroom, they stick their penis through a hole in my fence and pee into my yard. It became a problem because it kills t...

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I nearly got sacked today, simply for refusing to serve a girl who'd clearly had too many.

The fat cunt complained to my McManager.

Wild in the sack

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "You look exhausted," the bartender says. "You're not kidding. I didn't get any sleep last night. Seriously, my wife was just going wild in the sack," the guy says. "I finally had to get up and let her out."

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A Mexican on his bicycle crosses the border with a large sack.

The border patrol agent stops and asks him what’s in the sack. “Sir, it’s just grass.” The agent looks into the sack and lets him pass. The following week, the Mexican crosses the border again on his bicycle with another sack and the border patrol agent stops and asks him what’s in the sack. “Sir, i...

A Turkish farmer, Hodja, goes to the mill to get his wheat ground to flour. While he's waiting in line he starts dipping his hand into the sack of the man in front of him and moving handfulls of wheat to his own sack.

The man turns and catches him: "Hodja! What are you doing stealing my wheat!"

Hodja, embarrassed, starts rolling his eyes and jittering: "Huh? What? I don't even know what I'm doing because I'm just craaaaaazy!"

The man says "if you're so crazy, how come you're only putting my grain in...

I was sacked from a packing factory.

I had a big roll of bubble wrap and I said to the foreman "Boss, what shall I do with this?" He said "Just pop it over there in the corner". Took me all bloody day.

There's new offshoot of the Catholic Church that worships a paper bag as the divine manifestation of the One, True God.

It's pretty sack-religious.

Did you hear about the rabbi who did the circumcision wrong?

He got the sack

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“My husband just wants to have sex all the time”

Vented the recently married woman to her sister, “it’s every day like clockwork he gets home from work, takes off his clothes at the doorstep and says “I’m home honey let’s hit the sack”. Don’t get my wrong I love him and the sex is good but I need a break I can barely walk””

Then the sister ...

There's 4 main rules when looking a good woman in a relationship:

1) Find a woman who's a good cook an an and keeps a clean home.

2) Find a woman who is fiscally responsible and appreciative of gifts you can afford.

3) Find a woman who is passionate and reallllllly good in the sack.

4) And The Most Important of All: Make sure they never fin...

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I asked my friend if he would ever dare to shave his nut sack with a straight razor

He said he tried it once while in college, but it was so bad that he hasn't got the balls to try it again.

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A Duck Hunter gets stopped by a Game Warden

The Warden picks up a duck from his sack, sticks his finger in his butt then sniffs it, and says, "This duck is from Mississippi. You gotta license to hunt duck in Mississippi, son?" Yes Sir yes sir, here you go. (Hands him the license and he looks at it then hands it back) It all checked out. <...

A bad day at work

A circumcision surgeon walks into a bar and orders a beer. "This has to be the worst day of my life. My job is over," he says to the bartender. "What happened?" the bartender asks. "I got the sack." he replies.

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Got sacked from work because my boss caught me masturbating in my cubicle. I did it because it helps me focus.

Goes without saying - I regret cumming to work today

A Mexican guy comes riding up to the border on his bicycle with two big sacks over his shoulders.

He tells the border guard that the sacks are full of sand, but the guard doesn’t believe him.

The guard detains the guy, and rips open the bags, but there’s nothing but sand.

He even has the sand analyzed, only to find that it really is just sand. And the sack is just a plain sack. <...

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Winter is nearly here...

Winter is nearly here & our native birds will soon be finding food scarce. Please go to the pet shop & buy a bag of nuts for our feathered friends. There's no finer sight on a winters morning then a pair of tits around your nut sack. Just remember however its a bit late in the year to expect...

Jim the hunchback is sitting in the pub.....

he's having a pint with his mate Bob who has a club foot. After a lengthy session, Jim decides it's time to head home and says goodbye to Bob. It's already quite late, so Jim decides to take a shortcut home through the cemetery. As he's waking through, suddenly a figure appears from behind a tombst...

A customs officer at the Mexican border noticed a man coming across one day on a bicycle with two small sacks tied to the handlebars...

Naturally, he got suspicious and asked him to open the sacks, but when he did he found nothing but sand.

Each time he'd stop the bicycle and open the sacks, and he'd find only sand. He had the sand analyzed at the lab and looked at the sack under a microscope he could never find anything wron...

I got a Gucci tattoo on my ball sack

I've got a designer bag now

An oldie but a goodie...

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are running from the police. They find 3 potato sacks set out for trash collection on the side of the road. They each jump in one.

Having lost the girls, the police stop at the potato sacks because they see the sacks moving. An officer pokes the sack conta...

I've been sacked from my job as a chef after spending every shift chopping herbs instead of cooking meals.

They couldn't be dealing with thyme wasters.

I asked my friend why has he stopped making jokes and puns about Trump after he was sacked from the White House.

He said he's Biden his time

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A man walks up to 3 women wearing potato sacks. How does he know which one is the prostitute?

The one whose sack reads "Idaho"

If animal organs were compatible with humans...

Your dog would offer you his kidney even if he only had one that worked.

Your cat would show up one morning with 37 kidneys in a sack and tell you to pick one.

I was on a plane, sat next to a man, who had a big sack filled of rotting animal meat.

He said it was his carrion luggage

I was sacked yesterday for being a pervert.

I don't understand why, I'm always hard at work.

My in-laws couldn't cope when their cat unexpectedly had 9 kittens, so my wife told me to put them in a sack and throw them in the river…

I did it but it broke my heart.

I quite liked her dad…

A little old lady and a sack full of $20's

A little old lady was walking down the street, dragging two large trash bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped, and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.


Noticing this, a policeman stopped her and said, "Ma'am, there is money falling out of your bag."
"Oh...

Why was Santa's sack empty at the end of Christmas night?

Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.

Just been sacked from my dream job as a maths teacher. Been there since 2010

What a waste of 15 years!

A hooded robber burst into a bank and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash.

A hooded robber burst into a bank and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash.
On his way out the door, a brave customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off, revealing the robbers face. The robber shot the customer without a moment's hesitation
He then looked around the bank and noticed ...

They say I should neuter my cat since he has a hereditary deficiency that makes him cough.

I can’t though; he just wouldn’t be the same Hackey-Sack.

Got sacked from my job as a zoo keeper.

But as I said in my disciplinary

"all the signs say DON'T feed the animals"

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A girl named Yu was being held captive by a tribe of goblins...

The goblins were very particular about how they did things, as they enjoyed toying with their captives. They all had a bizarre sense of humor.

“Let me go!” shouted Yu, who was suspended twenty feet in the air by ropes and pulleys. The goblins just chuckled at the fact that they knew she could...

An armed masked man bursts into a bank yelling "EVERYBODY PUT YOUR HANDS UP, THIS IS A ROBBERY!"

The patrons and staff, terrified, comply.


He's loading up his sack with cash when his mask slips off. He quickly pulls it back up and sees two guys who may have seen his face. He points his gun at the first.


"Did you see my face?"


"Yes"


BANG, he sh...

If a fat man puts you in a sack tonight don’t worry

I just told Santa I wanted you for Christmas

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Santa slides down the chimney to deliver some presents... (long)

As he's unloading his sack a beautiful young lady saunters into the living room wearing a robe She walks up to Santa and rubs her hand softly down his back.

"Santa, would you like to stay for a bit?" she asks as she playfully opens the top of her robe a bit.

"Ho, Ho, Ho, gotta go, got...

My girlfriend and I agreed to try some roleplay in the sack, but right at the end she screamed out the wrong name!

That's the last time I'm ever letting her wear her Starbucks uniform in bed.

You hear about the quarterback who switched teams after being sacked 8 times??

The grass was greener on the other side of defense.

Sack of Blonde

3 women are on the run, a blonde, brunette and redhead. The cops chase them along the docks. The redhead yells,
"Hide in these burlap sacks and pretend to be something else inside" They all jump in just as the cops round the corner.

"They're gone! Let's look around just in case.". As they...

An Irishman, a Scotsman and a Welshman...

...are robbing the manor house.

One of them trips the alarm and before you know it the cops arrive with sirens blaring and lights flashing.

The three unlucky gents are in the kitchen, and looking around the Scotsman spies three empty sacks in the corner..." right lads....in the sacks...

My kid wanted to be a super hero for Halloween but he got in trouble so I made him go as a sack of wheat flour.

He was a gluten for punishment.

My buddy has been sacked from his job in recycling.

I can't believe he has gone and thrown it all away.

Why does Santa have such a large sack?

Because he comes only once a year...




Source: Kinda Funny Forums

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I was sacked today for having sex with a customer in the back of my bus.

Well I say bus... technically it's a hearse.

Why did the man get sacked from the calendar factory?

He decided to take a few days off

In Hacky Sack, who wins?

No One, they're all losers

A sack full of chickens

Two rednecks walk down a dirt path. One man has a big sack over his shoulder. The other man asks what's in the sack. The first man says, "I got me some chickens for dinner tonight." The other man asks how many chickens are in the sack. "Well, I'll tell you," replies the first redneck, "If you can g...

I have no problem getting women into the sack.

It's getting the sack into the back of my van that's the problem.

3 men in a warehouse

3 men are hiding from a gang in sacks in an empty warehouse. A gang member kicks the first sack. The man barks like a dog. The gang member moves on thinking he kicked a dog. The second man gets kicked and meows. The gang member moves on thinking it was a cat. When he gets to the last sack, the man s...

I got sacked from my job at the guillotine factory today

It’s a cut throat business

Snake bite

Did you hear about the Australian guy who had a snake come out of the toilet and bite his sack? The guy was OK but the snake died...it had a nut allergy.

I've just been sacked from my job as a prophet..

Did *not* see that coming.

A couple is expecting their first child

The father is overjoyed. He goes to the nearest clothing store and gets a little shirt, a tiny pair of pants, an adorable little hat, and the most exquisite (and expensive) pair of shoes for his soon to be child. He and his wife stand on their porch, waiting for 2 whole weeks for the stork to arrive...

Christmas traditions

The week of Christmas is always a hectic one at the North Pole. This one from long ago was especially so.

The elves had learned a new word “Unionize” and kept making threats.

Blitzen was colicky, Dasher had the worst case of gas he’d experienced in years and Vixen was pregnant; again!<...

What did Lewis and Clark only have one sack of on their expedition?

Jawea

There were three guys who decided they would bring gifts to the queen. The first guy brought a sack of apples, the second guy brought a sack of oranges, and the third guy brought a bomb.

On their way there, the plane started crashing down, so the first guy lands with his parachute and sees this kid crying he asked, “what’s wrong?” The kid says, “a sack of apples fell from the sky and hit my mom in the head,” the guy apologizes and walks away.

The second guy lands and sees thi...

A blonde, a brunette and a red head rob a bank....

A blonde, a brunette and a red head rob a bank. As they are running out carrying their stolen goods, the police begin to chase them down an alleyway.

Running down the alley, the robbers find three large sacks of potatoes to hide behind. "Quick!" said the brunette, hide behind here!"

Th...

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I nearly got sacked when I was caught masturbating on my first day starting a job as a roofer

Luckily, the boss said I could wipe the slate clean...

My last internship interview

Interviewer: I hope you have manners. We sacked the last guy for disrespect. He compared me to a bird

Me: Wow, I can never do that ma

Interviewer: Good. So you're here for the mentorship program?

Me: Yes ma, take me under your wing

Interviewer: Get out of my office

I was unlucky to be sacked as a chef for using the incorrect fish and herbs

Wrong plaice, wrong thyme

I had an unhappy childhood. Many's the night I've spent tied up in a burlap sack in the cellar after a thorough beating.

But it doesn't make up for my childhood.

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I must be fucking great in the sack

Every girl I've ever had sex with has told me she wishes it had been longer!

So I was at the grocery store the other day…

and the bagger asked me if I wanted paper or plastic sacks.

I said “either is fine. I’m bisacksual.”

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Redneck book of manners.....

1. Never take a beer to a job interview.


2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.


3. It's considered poor taste to take a cooler to church.


4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.


5. Even if you're ...

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