My 7 year old nephew showed me with pride the "telephone" he had just made from a string and two tin cans...

I pulled out my iPhone and said, "That's nice, but look at what kids your age make in China!"

An Englishman,a Frenchman,a Spaniard and a German are watching a juggling show

The juggler notices that they have a poor view and stands on a box.
He then says”Can you see me now?”

And they answer:

“Yes”

“Oui”

“Si”

“Ja”

A guy goes into a bar and says to the bartender, "If I show you the most amazing thing you've ever seen, will you let me drink for free tonight?"

The bartender says, "Let me see and I'll consider it."

So the guy reaches into his bag and pulls out a miniature piano and a hamster. The hamster sits in front of the piano and starts playing. And not just banging out "Chopsticks", the hamster is plays Chopin, some ragtime, and even some rock...

Study shows women are turning into good drivers

So if you’re a good driver watch out

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When social media bans female boobs, but not men's, it shows a real intolerance...

lactose intolerance.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do the Hong Kong police like to show up to work early?

They like to beat the crowds.

Edit: WTF is wrong with you people?
I know dark humor is like a kid with cancer, it never gets old but, 2 shiny bottle caps?? NO!! Send that money to the protesters, or groups helping them, in Hong Kong.

Edit 2:
Add edit to first comment.
Also he...

Studies show that 4 out of 5 men suffer from diarrhea at some point in their lives.

My question is why 1 in 5 enjoy it.

My cousin, a magician, decided to incorporate the use of trapdoors in his shows.

I think it's just a stage he's going through.

A recent scientific study showed that out of 2,293,618,367 people,

94% are too lazy to actually read that number.

I think my wife has started to show the first signs of Alzheimer's disease

She says she doesn't remember what she ever saw in me

A man showed up for a duel armed only with a pencil and paper.

He then proceeded to draw his weapon.

Everyone says I won't be able to make a film like The Truman Show.

Just watch me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on.

He saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her and asked if she knew what hole he was playing.

She replied, “I’m on the 7th hole, and you’re a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole.”

He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine, the same thing hap...

A game show host is talking to a rabbit

The host looks at his question card. "Okay, here is your first question: What is 7 plus 5?"

"Twelve", replied the rabbit.

"That's correct! Now for question 2: What is 56 minus 37?"

The rabbit thought for a moment. "Nineteen"

"That's correct! Okay, now here is your grand p...

A new study shows that unvaccinated children are less likely to be autistic...

Because they are more likely to be dead.

Studies show that keeping tropical fish at home has a calming effect on your brain.

It’s because of all the indoor fins.

Statistics show that 1 out of 3 people in a relationship are cheating.....

I just need to figure out if it's my wife or girlfriend

A new leaked government tape shows that a Mars rover saw some sort of feline life form on Mars.

However, before they could get any more info, Curiosity killed the cat.

Why did the Software Engineer reality TV show get cancelled?

People thought it seemed too scripted.

I went to a fashion show the other day.

But they were just a bunch if posers.

An Athiest in hell

An atheist dies and goes to hell

The devil welcomes him and says:"Let me show you around a little bit." They walk through a nice park with green trees and the devil shows him a huge palace. "This is your house now, here are your keys." The man is happy and thanks the devil. The devil says:"No...

I asked my new friend to meet me at the gym, but they never showed up.

I guess the two of us aren't going to work out.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My lord, my client is a liftman and this complainant walked in the elevator wearing low cleavage blouse showing ample amount of her breasts"

"Then she caught him checking at them and said angrily

'Stop staring at them and press one quickly ' .

And my client did exactly that. I rest my case ".

If Bill Cosby and Donald Trump had a TV show, it would be called

“Grab em By The Pudding”

What’s the greatest sci-fi show? Well subjectively it’s doctor who

But objectively it’s doctor whom

Here is Finland, Netflix is geo-restricted and has very few shows

In fact, I just finnished watching everything.

A man walks into a bar and sits down He asks the barkeep "If I can show you something you have never seen before, can I drink here for free tonight?"

The barkeep thinks about it and says "well I have seen a lot of stuff, if you can genuinely show me something I have not seen before, I will pick up your tab tonight".

So the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a minature piano and sets it on the bar, then he reaches into his other pock...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's that game/quiz show on NPR on Saturdays? It's on the tip of my tongue...

Wait, wait, don't tell me...

I met a girl at a club the other night & she told me she'd show me a good time.

When we got outside, she ran a 40 yard dash in 4.8 seconds.

What's Boris Johnson's favourite TV show?

Deal or No Deal

Did you hear about the ghost comedian’s show last night?

Apparently all you could hear in the place was “Boo!”

A new report shows that a million of these people enter our country every year...

A new report shows that a million of these people enter our country every year. They are uneducated, unskilled, and contribute nothing. They are a burden to honest, hardworking Australians and our government is doing nothing to stop them and they even support them, not to mention they're dirty and t...

I threw a party for all the workers who helped build my house. The door guy showed up late...

...but he really knew how to make an entrance.

A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend.

She was thrilled at the speed. "If I do 200mph, will you take off your clothes?" he asked. "Yes!" said his adventurous girlfriend. And as he gets up to 200, she peeled off all her clothes. Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over. The naked girl was thro...

A man walks into a bar. The bartender greets him and says, For 5 bucks, I’ll show you something amazing...

The man agrees and hands over his 5 bucks.

The bartender pulls out a small piano and a guy who is only about a foot tall. The guy sits down and plays an amazing tune on the piano.

“Wow he’s amazing. Where did you get him!?!”

He bartender replied, “There is a genie on the corner,...

Why do submarine talent shows have so much stage fright?

-it's just too much pressure

China recently tried to gain favor with the rest of the world by releasing a video of all their native bears, standing in a big circle, to show their repopulation and conservation efforts. Some people thought it was great.

I think it was just panda ring.

The Police suddenly showed up at my house today and arrested my dog.

Reason? Unpaid barking tickets.

There is a new reality show where flat earthers try to travel to the edge of the world.

Unfortunately the finale is not a cliff hanger.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An 18 year-old Italian girl tells her mother she missed her period for two moths.

Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Fer...

Welcome to the Reddit stand-up comedy show

\*I enter the stage, applause erupts\*

Alright alright reddit! How you feelin' today?

\*applause\*

Alright! So, show of hands, how many of you are redditors?

\*everyone raises their hands\*

Haha, maybe not too surprising. Because you all look depressed and out of s...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I showed my penis at show and tell

Then I lost my teaching license

A study shows that eating 2oz of concentrated tomato sauce per day can keep a man's sperm count up

If you keep that up, your girlfriend just may get Prego.

Four worms were placed in four separate test tubes: 1st in beer 2nd in wine 3rd in whiskey 4th in mineral water The next day, the teacher shows the results: The 1st worm in beer, dead. The 2nd in wine, dead. The 3rd in whiskey, dead. The 4th in mineral water, alive and healthy.

The teacher asks the class:
- What do we learn from this experience?

And a child responds:
- Whoever drinks beer, wine and whiskey
does not have worms.

A blonde woman decides that she is tired of all the blonde jokes and how all blondes are seen as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.

While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.

Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive and strong smell of paint. He walks in...

Why do riot police show up early for work?

To beat the crowds

I was late to a comedy show and the guy on stage said why are you late that's rude

I told him sorry it's because my wife is pregnant

He then asked How long till the baby is due

I said about 9 months

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Husband: Babe, studies show that having sex is the same as running 10 kilometres

Wife: Bullshit, who runs 10 kilometres in 30 seconds?

Did you hear about the girl who sawed herself in half for the talent show?

She placed 1st and 2nd.

I hate this show.

It’s so poorly written. They introduce so many new characters, it’s impossible to keep track. And it seems like some of them hardly do anything, they just hang around and say, like, five lines per episode.

What’s it called? Hang on, let me check.

“Presidential debate.”

The Queen of the Nile liked to show some leg

but Nefertiti

A Roman walks into a bar, shows 2 fingers and says "5 beers please".

Stolen from Facebook

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old woman took her husband to the doctor. The doctor checked the husband's pulse, then told the woman, "I'm sorry, your husband is dead."

The woman was shocked. "I don't believe it. Are you sure? I want to be absolutely sure, are there any other tests you can do?"

The doctor responded, "I'm quite sure, but if you'd like we do have some alternative tests that we can perform."

"YES! I have to be absolutely certain."
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Apparently as a 4-year old, Hitler was saved from drowning in the river Inn by a local priest.

Goes to show once more that a lot of problems would be solved if priests could just keep their hands off kids.

A young farmer is being taught by an old hand how to take care of the animals. Today he's showing him how to shoe a horse

Halfway through the old man asks:

"So, have you ever shoed a horse before"

And the young farmer says:

"No, but I once told a cow to f@&$ off!"

A Frenchman, an Englishman, a German and a Spanish man go to a dolphin show

The dolphin jumps in the air, but the 4 men couldn’t see the dolphin
The Englishman shouts, “We can’t see you!”
The dolphin jumps higher and says “Can you see me now?” And the 4 men reply
“Yes!”
“Oui!”
“Si!”
“Ya!”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks in to a bar with a box under his arm and says to the barman, “If I can show something you have never seen before will you give me a free drink?”

Now the barman has seen mostly everything in his time and says, “Sure, impress me and hell, I’ll give you a free tab for the eve!” So the man puts down the box and opens it and then he pulls a small piano out of it and places it on the bar and then a little man as well. The little man walks up to ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Wife was watching a cookery show I said"What you watching that for you can't cook?"

She said "so? You watch porn"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My ancestry DNA test shows 10% African, 20% Mexican, 40% Cuban, 5% Chinese...

Mom, what this even mean?

-Mom "a fucking great party"

Have you heard the joke about the dictionary stage show?

It's a play on words.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Is watching this awful show about a fat, naked man masturbating

And then I realised that my TV wasn't turned on.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It’s getting crowded in heaven, so one day Saint Peter decides to only accept people who make him laugh.

A man came walking up to the Pearly Gates, and Saint Peter said to him:

“Alright bud, you’re only getting in today if you can make me laugh, so why don’t you tell me about how you died.”

The man looked at Saint Peter and said, “Oh man, it was awful! I was absolutely sure my wife was ha...

A guy shows up at work with two black eyes...

...when asked what happened he said, "I was riding on the bus this morning when this rather large woman stood up to get off. I noticed her dress was stuck in the crack of her ass, so being a gentleman, I politely pulled it out for her. She turned around and slugged me.

When asked how he got t...

There are so many shows of flat-earthers trying to find the edge of the earth

They'll be so disappointed when they realise that not of them end on cliff hangers

I showed the damaged remains of my luggage to my lawyer and told him that I want to sue the airline.

He said, “You don’t seem to have much of a case.”

A group of crows were receiving their PhDs at their college's commencement ceremony when the police showed up.

They all were arrested for third-degree murder.

A man's fence is broken and he needs to hire someone to fix it

So he goes online to find someone to fix his fence for him but he is unsatisfied with their prices, that is until he finds a Buddhist monk who will do it for free.

He is initially surprised by this and assumes it might be a fake listing, but since it's free he feels like he has nothing to los...

Nobody showed up to my 16th birthday party,

I congratulated him on his win against Polyphemus and we started the party.

A man took his 6-year-old daughter to his office on 'Take your kid to work day'

As they walked around the office, the girl turned visibly upset and soon started crying. Her father asked her what was wrong

As everyone gathered around, she sobbed "Daddy, I'm getting bored walking around the office. Please show me those clowns you said you work with"

Do Germans like Andy Samberg TV shows?

Nein Nein!

My boss showed up to work in a brand new Bentley

I complimented him on the quality of his ride. He said “well son if you work hard and put in those extra hours, in a few years I’ll get another.”

Why didn't a motorbike go to a car show?

It was two tired.

A man is driving along a country road and sees a sign; "$5 for talking dog, take next left."

Thinking this is some sort of joke, the man decides to check it out. So the man takes the left onto a a farm, and a farmer comes out.

F: You here about the dog?

M: Yeah, does the dog really talk?

F: Sure does, come here and I'll show ya.

The man and the farmer walk to the...

Two priests step into the communal shower, when they notice there's no soap. One says, "I'll go to my room and get two bars." He runs naked to the room, grabs the bars, but as he's running back, three nuns show up. Not knowing what else to do, he freezes like a statue...

The nuns look at the statue and say, "Such a beautiful figure, perfectly shaped!"

One of them, admiring its "toy soldier" decides do pull it.

The priest's reaction to the enormous pain makes him drop one of the soap bars, but he holds his pose.

The nun conclude then, that it's n...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community...

If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.

The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise Rabbi to represent them in the debate.

However, as the Rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Hebrew, they agreed that it would be a 'si...

A man is showing his friend around his town. They pass a boy selling newspapers on the side of the road.

The man nudges his friend and says, "See that kid? He's got to be the stupidest kid in the whole wide world. Watch this."

He walks up to the kid as his friend watches, and holds out a five dollar and a ten dollar bill. "Hey kid, pick one."

The kid looks between the notes and eventually...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is showing his friend his new smartwatch

"You can really do anything with it! Even shower with it!"

"Really? I can't seem to do that with my smartwatch."

"What do you mean? We have the same watch don't we?"

"Yeah, but I can't seem to find the showerhead on mine."

If there was a show on 9/11, I would not watch it.

After all, the pilot would crash and burn.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why wouldn’t any participants at the cat show accept the award for best groomed behind?

Because the prize was a catastrophe.

A texan walks into an Irish bar.

A texan walks into an Irish bar and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, “I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I’ll give $500 American dollars to 12thanybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back.”

The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan’s of...

Once upon a time a Mexican magician performed in a magic show.

He counted:

“Uno...”

“Dos...”

And disappeared without a trace.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A drunk guy is showing friends his new apartment...

The last stop is the bedroom, where a big brass gong sits next to the bed.



"What's that gong for?" the friend asks him.



"It's not a gong," the drunk replies. "It's a talking clock."



"How does it work?"



The guys picks up a hammer, gives the ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My porn star friend passed away the other day and as a show of respect, we scattered his ashes...

...all over his wife's face.

A new study shows that fertility is hereditary

If your parents didn't have any children, chances are you won't either.

What's a pickle's favorite game show?

Dill or No Dill,
hosted by Howie Mandill.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A survey shows that 85% of men masturbate in the shower. The remaining 15% sing. Do you know what they sing?

...No, I thought you probably didn't. ;)

Read in "Playboy", told by CC, herself, on "the Tonight Show"

Cindy Crawford and a crewman survive her yacht sinking and make their way to a deserted island. There's fresh water and plenty of fruit to eat, so they settle in to wait for rescue. A few weeks go by and Cindy's feeling a "need". She asks the crewman for help and he's happy to oblige.

This...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A joke I made up that's funny only when you look back at it.

This guy shows up to his optometrist and says "I have a weird problem",



The Optometrists replies, "What seems to be the trouble?"



The guys says, "Everything's blurry. My vision is horrible!"



"That's pretty common", the Optometrist replies. "We can certai...

What did the psychiatrist say to the man who showed up wearing nothing but Saran Wrap?

“Well, I can clearly see your nuts.”

Joe's Talking Trees

Joe was a simple and serious man. He was a carpenter in a small village named Arge Oaks where he owned the store "Joe's Carpentry."

For years Joe impressed his fellow neighbors with the highest quality carpentry work. Some people in town complained he was a bit too expensive, but no one ever...

Every New Year's Eve, I look forward to a good show at Time's Square

...and year after year, they drop the ball

A recent study showed that one in three people...

Makes a hell of a foursome.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The bus driver, the hippy, and the nun.

A bus driver, a hippy, and a nun are all on the bus as it comes to a stop. As the nun is getting off the hippy says to her “I am going to have sex with you.” The nun replies “like hell you are and leaves.” The buss driver says “do you see that grave site over there?” Hippy replays “yes.” “Well every...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Girl: Show Me Your tattoss

Girl: Show me your tattoos

Guy: First, show me your tits

Girl: Why?

Guy: Tit for tatt

My 5 year old son Dexter just found out that there's a show called "Dexter". Time to have that talk I've always dreaded...

"Son, don't watch the last two season."

A Make-a-Wish child wanted to know, if his favorite TV show was staged or real. The producers told him that he will need to wait for a little longer.

Now he's dying to know the truth.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] A study just released shows that 84 percent of all people admit to masturbating regularly.

Scientists are very encouraged. The 16 percent rate of lying is the lowest they have ever measured.

Studies show that you can jump into lava.

Once.

Sarah was in the fertilized egg business.

She had several hundred young pullets and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.

She kept records and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.

This took a lot of time, so she bought some tiny bells and attached them to her roosters. Each bell had a different ton...

What does a german say after you show them a meme?

Danke.

My uncle was a circus clown . When he died everyone showed up.

In one car

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 guya are hiking through the woods when they find a lamp...

3 guys are hiking through the woods when they find a lamp

One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie.

It booms "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes."

The first guy immediately blurts out "I want a billion dollars." ...

What does a UPS truck in a lake and a Magic Mike show have in common?

A lot of wet boxes.

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.

First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.

The optician showed him a card with the letters

'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'

'Can you read this?' the optician asked.

'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'

A young rancher was showing his girlfriend around his ranch.

They walked up a hill that had two trees at its top.

The girl thought this was odd and asked, "Why are there two trees planted at the top of this hill?"

"Well," said the young rancher, "That tree over there marks the spot where I first made love."

"Oh, that's sweet," said the g...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A policeman is training three men, Bob, Don, and Rod, to become detectives.

The policeman flashes an image of a suspect at Bob for five seconds, and then asks him, "This is your suspect. How will you catch him?"

Bob replies, "Well, sir, that's easy! He only has one eye!"

The policeman replies, "That's because the photo I showed you is his profile! He doesn't h...

After Mrs. Jacobs found out her husband was sterile, the couple decided to hire a proxy father...

After Mrs. Jacobs found out her husband was sterile, the couple decided to hire a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Jacobs kissed his wife and said 'I'm off to work, Lydia. The guy should be here soon.'

Wouldn't you know it, a door-to-door baby...

3 men die and go to heaven

At the Pearly Gates they're greeted by Saint Peter

Saint Peter: I will let you into heaven if you can show me a spirit of Christmas

The first man pulls out a leaf from his pocket and says "this represents the Christmas tree"

He is allowed into heaven

The second man pull...

A farmer has four beautiful daughters

He’s a bit overprotective of them, so when Friday date night rolls around, he greets the gentlemen callers at the door with a shotgun over his shoulder.

Friday night rolls around, and the doorbell rings, so he walks to it, shotgun in hand, and opens it to a young man who says:

“Hi, I’...

I was out shopping tonight, when I saw a new brand of condoms called, "Olympic." Trying to get in to the spirit of things, I bought a pack and when I got home, I sprinted in singing the Olympic theme song and proudly showed them to my wife...

"Olympic condoms!?" she asked. "What makes them so special? Are we only going to use them once every four years?!"

Chuckling, I replied, "No,no! You see, there are three colors, Gold, Silver and Bronze!"

"What color are you going to wear tonight?" she asked cheekily.

"Gold of co...

What is a mathematician's favorite TV show?

Sine-feld.

Two actors are practicing their lines for a show.

The first guy says: "How could you do this to me? I hate you!" The second says: "You're making me so angry I swear I'm going to PUNCH you!" The first says "That line sounds cheesy. It makes it seem like a children's show. Let's talk to the writers about it." So they go the the writers and explain th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It took a lot of balls for my friend to go on the reality TV show “Embarrassing Bodies.”

Three actually.

Her: Who's your favourite Muppet Show character?

Me: The vampire

Her: That's Sesame Street – he doesn't count

Me: I can assure you that he does

I got this really cool Mickey Mouse watch. It shows the time very clearly.

The dial is really really handy.

What did the autocannibal do when the cops showed up and put him at gunpoint?

He threw up his hands

A Brit, a Scandinavian and an American all entered their village fete's giant vegetable show.

The swede won.

The salesperson showed us a PowerPoint presentation on the waterpark we're going to.

It has several slides.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.