I met a girl at a club the other night & she told me she'd show me a good time.

When we got outside, she ran a 40 yard dash in 4.8 seconds.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A big city doctor visits an Native American tribe full of men and he asks "How do you guys relieve your sexual tension?"

"Simple, just come down to the river tomorrow and we'll show you." The next day the doctor shows up and sees a group of men near a donkey. One man says "Since you're our guest you get to go first." The doctor not wanting to go against custom starts to kiss, then proceeds to have sex with the donkey....

Once upon a time a Mexican magician performed in a magic show.

He counted:

“Uno...”

“Dos...”

And disappeared without a trace.

Just learned that a dentist a block away from me was arrested for dealing drugs. Shows you how wrong you can be about people. I had been going to him him for over ten years.

Never knew he was a dentist.

How come when NASA shows pictures of their black hole, it’s “breaking news”

But when I show pictures of mine it’s an “HR violation”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man walks in to a bar with a box under his arm and says to the barman, “If I can show something you have never seen before will you give me a free drink?”

Now the barman has seen mostly everything in his time and says, “Sure, impress me and hell, I’ll give you a free tab for the eve!” So the man puts down the box and opens it and then he pulls a small piano out of it and places it on the bar and then a little man as well. The little man walks up to ...

A undertaker hosted a magic show once.

His slogan was, "Abra-cadaver-a".

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My black friend said he doesn't watch the tv show "Friends," because it's racist.

How can it be racist though when it doesn't even have black people in it?!?

Hitler had a game show.

He called it the amazing race.

TV Show Pitch: 30 Unvaccinated Kids Live in a House Together

We'll call it Survivor.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A high school is having a talent show.

The first act is a girl trying to tie a knot with a cherry stem in her mouth. She tries and tries, but she just cant do it.

A guy from the audience yells out, "Hey, maybe you should practice with my dick!" Most of the audience laughs.

The girl requests a microphone and a nearby teacher...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

[NSFW] A study just released shows that 84 percent of all people admit to masturbating regularly.

Scientists are very encouraged. The 16 percent rate of lying is the lowest they have ever measured.

I'm opening a tattoo shop where I give free tattoos to girls who show me their breast

I'll call it "Tit for tat"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A blonde shows up to a bar where two of her lovers are drinking together and telling sex stories.

The guys think they're dating different chicks and don't see her come in. She sneaks over to a table by the jukebox and listens in.

"It was straight up the most enthusiastic BJ ever," the first guy says. "It was like she was trying to break the bob a knob speed record. And she literally had n...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A recent study shows that masturbation is twice as effective as sex when it comes to stress relief.

One in hand is worth two in the bush.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

You guys know that feeling when you are thinking about someone and they just show up out of nowhere?

Well anyways my dad caught me masturbating

Research shows

that the people of Saudi Arabia don't like "The Flintstones"..

But the people of Abu Dhabi do.

I invited my girlfriend to go to the gym with me and then I didn’t show.

I hope she gets the message that we’re not working out.

Recent study shows sleeping is bad for you

Stay woke

The new image shows the black hole having bright ring formed as photons from light gets drawn in the intense gravity around a black hole that is 6.5 billion times more massive than the Sun…

..but it still doesn't suck more than your Mom.

Anti vaccinated kids show no sign of autism

Because autism isn’t detected until age 3

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I told a girl I wanted to show her my schlong...

After she saw it, she said looks more like a schmall

What do you call a show about two cokeheads with short term memory loss?

Whose Line Is It Anyway?

What did the comedian say to the bartender after the show ?

I'll have another round of applause

Studies show that 9 out of 10 Vegans have trouble with constipation.

Goes to show that what happens in Vegans, stays in Vegans.

A canibal shows up late to a dinner

He ended up getting the cold shoulder

Alligator Show

A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons.
"I'll make you a deal. I will open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He will then open his mouth...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy shows up to a Halloween party...

No shoes, shirt, socks...

The hosts asks: what are you supposed to be?

A pre-mature ejaculation. I just came in my pants.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I told my wife that with all those cooking shows she watches she should be a better cook.

She told me that with all those pornos I watch I should be a better fuck.

A New research shows us that the main cause of dry skin is....

Towels.

Valve shows the public a new game, Half-Life 3.

A fan of the series sees Gabe Newell, Valve's co-founder, and walks up to him.
"Hey, Mr. Newell, how did you do it? You actually made another Half-Life game!" the fan says.
"Well 15 percent was creating it, and 5 percent was thinking up the story." Gabe replies.

Confused, the fan as...

A man shows up for work with his arm in a cast.

“What happened to you?” his assistant asks.

“I broke my arm in two places yesterday.”

“Man, that sucks,” says his assistant. “It would probably be a good idea to avoid those two places from now on.”

Recent study shows leading cause of dehydration in children:

Bedtime.

Me on the Ellen show

Ellen: So I heard you like nothing

Me: Yup

Ellen: “the void starts swallowing up the entire studio”

Me: OMG Ellen you didn’t!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I took a bunch of Viagra, but then my date didn't show up.

I had a massive stroke after, and again an hour later.

So HBO is making a new show about Chernobyl...

Seems like a sensitive topic to make a tv show out of. Think they'll address the elephant's foot in the room?

I did a comedy show for alzheimers sufferers

Two hours, one joke.

I did a comedy show for alzheimers sufferers. Two hours, one joke.

I did a comedy show for alzheimers sufferers. Two hours, one joke.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Police were investigating an incident that happened during a hypnotist's show

A male hypnotist ended up in the hospital with multiple injuries. They interviewed a witness on what happened during the show.

Police: So, can you tell us what happened?

Witness: So we were watching a hypnotist doing his show, all is going well. He asked for volunteers from the audienc...

"Who Wants to be a Millionaire" is a silly name for a show; everyone wants to be a millionaire. The only people who don't want to be millionaires...

are billionaires.

What do you call it when a bunch of stock markets suddenly show in the same place!

An investation.

(Credit to my 10 year old nephew James)

Theresa May to host new game show!

Neither Deal Nor No Deal

A German talk show host once asked Robin Williams why he thought there wasn't much comedy in Germany

"Did you ever think you killed all the funny people?" he replied.

"No."

A boss shows one of his employees his new sports car.

“That is amazing,” the employee responds.

“Isn’t it?” replies the boss. “And if you set your goals higher and work even harder this year, I can get an even better car next year.”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I hate it how when a girl shows her ass she gets thousand of views on Snapchat...

but when I do it, I get banned from Walmart.

I was going to show you a video about a drill machine digging a tunnel.

But it's too boreing.

Studies show that 9 out of 10 men struggle with erectile dysfunction

I think that's crazy. Men nowadays are just getting soft

Research shows that 80% of men don’t know how to use condoms

These men are called dads

I just watched a reality show about flat earthers trying to find the edge of the world, and was a little disappointed.

The finale wasn’t a cliffhanger.

A man finally got engaged to his dream woman. Eager to show off his new fiance, he took her to his home town.

Upon arrival, he approached his mother and said, “I’m going to bring home three girls and I want you to guess which one is my fiance.”

Sure enough, twenty minutes later, the man walked in the door with three girls following behind him.

Without a moment’s hesitation the mother pointed t...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

In the middle of a show, Bono starts snapping his fingers. He says: "Every time I do this, an African kid dies"...

A voice from the audience: "Stop snapping, you sick fuck!"

Show Off - A young businessman has just set up his own company.

A young businessman has just set up his own company. He rents an office downtown and buys some trendy furniture for it. Sitting behind his new desk, he suddenly sees a potential client come into the outer office. Wanting to appear busy, he picks up the phone and pretends that he’s calling an importa...

A couple roommates squabble over the only phone charger in the house. One punches the other square in the face. The cops show up.

He is charged with battery.

I just watched a TV show where a bunch of stoners are sitting around having mild arguments.

It’s a mellow drama.

I was scanning radio stations and landed on a religious show where the host made mention of Jesus’s will.

I thought “wow, someone should read that. It would probably solve a lot of arguments.”

TIL that Sir Paul McCartney once turned down nearly $64 million to appear on an American talk show because he wanted to stay home and watch his favorite sport on TV.

It was *Ellen* or rugby.

Game Show

Some folks see me as a know-it-all. I'm not, but I have a reasonable memory, and it got me on a game show, once.

The television game show was being recorded - they do a whole week at a time, and this was the wrap-up. I was in the hot seat for the last big question.

The host turned to m...

They banned me from the school talent show.

But i know they were just salty, because they knew they couldnt make their clothes disappear as well as i did.

Recent study shows insanity is hereditary

you get it from your kids

At the dinner table, mother shows the new lie detector she bought.

Mother: "Look, this device buzzes whenever it senses a lie"

Father: "Wow! Lets see! Hey son, what did you do today?"

Son: "Uhmm, I went to school."

*BUZZ*

Mother: "Ooh, you didn't go to class? Then what did you do?"

Son: "Alright, I watched a movie with a few frien...

Coming in 2019: a new interactive Netflix experience that shows what happens to society when all crimes are legal, and the entire thing is available live streaming. The series you can't miss, it's...

Binging and Purging

Recent study shows that fertility is heriditary.

If your parents didn't have children, chances are you won't either.

A blonde goes onto a game show.

The game show goes something like this: There are 3 contestants and 100 jokes that the host tells. Once a contestant laughs at one of the jokes, they are out. If one of the contestants gets through all 100 jokes without laugh, they win a million dollars.

So the 3 contestants are a blonde, a b...

Statistics show more people are killed by bees than snakes.

Politicians just have better lawyers.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

One thing I really enjoy doing is wearing nothing but a colorful tight bikini bottom that shows off my cock, and then going and strutting around in front of other men and letting them ogle me.

Or as it's also known, "Bodybuilding"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I recall my fist time with a condom

I was 16 or so. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, ‘No, this is my first time.’

So she un...

So I saw a Broadway show about Dictionaries the other night.

I guess one could call it a “Play on words”.

Studies show ADHD students cost the school more on average

Because they cannot afford to pay attention.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Stats show that the average person has sex 89 times per year.

Looks like I’m in for a wild December.

Why did all the MARVEL Netflix shows disappear?

SNAP!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Studies show young people are having less sex than previous generations.

I knew I was ahead of my time.

They say stealth planes make your radar signature smaller, so you show up to the radar just like a small bird

"Sir, we think we've spotted a pigeon on the radar screen."

"Well what's unusual about that?"

"Well the pigeon is flying at about mach 2."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A new study shows that unvaccinated children are shown to have lower rates of autism than vaccinated children.

Because a dead two year old can't be fucking diagnosed with autism.

Me when I show my Itallian friend the place where things are excavated which belongs to me

"It's a mine"

Donald Trump goes to Africa in safari, but they only show him a photo of some wildebeests.

Fake gnus!

My girlfriend wanted me to show her a good time.

So I emailed her all the pictures of me before we met.

New poll shows that the majority Bernie Sander's supporters like whole milk

But they hate 1%

If you think about it, Futurama was an extremely progressive show.

Truly ahead of its time.

I can’t believe people are still making “Friends” references 15 years after the show ended.

No one told me life was gonna be this way.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My sex life is like the show Magic Schoolbus

I take chances, make mistakes, and get messy.


Also, it's completely fictional.

My therapist said I need to stop quoting shows so much, not sure why, but

That’s what she said

What resolution do Mexican movie theaters show movies in?

Por que.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My girl asked me to show more interest in her family...

...so I fucked her sister.

Why did the banker like the TV show?

Because he was invested in the story.

Did you hear the tagline for the new show: "6th Sense on Ice"?

Icey dead people

Govt. Statistics show that 35% of all school kids fall victim to online bullying and this can only mean 1 thing

65% of my emails aren't going out

The real mistake of the half-time show was that Maroon 5 performed on a stage shaped like an M.

When they should've set it to W for Wumbo.

After a night out partying, my brother shows up with a huge bandage on his nose. His girlfriend said,"His nose was broken in three places."

Turns out it was exactly the same three places I had warned him not to go when he'd been drinking.

What’s Anastasia Steele’s favorite TV show?

Grey’s Anatomy.

My IQ test shows an IQ of 142

Although, there’s this weird little dot after the 4.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

If you show me your boobs, I'll show you my tattoos.

Tit for tat.

The local circus has had the same show on for a long while now.

Less and less people are coming to see it, as they all know the routine by now.

One day the circus director is approached by a stranger. The strangers says: “Hey, I’ve got just what you need to save this circus!”

“And what is that?” asks the circus director.

“I’ve got a cat tha...

A man shows up late for work.

His boss yells, "You should’ve been here at 8:30!"

He replies, "Why? What happened at 8:30?"

New study shows bodies found from the Bermuda Triangle all died from heat exhaustion...

...everyone knows its 180 degrees inside a triangle, I don't know why people even bother traveling through it.

Who is always the first person to show up?

Earl Lee

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Girl and her dad are driving around, when an aisle of women leaving a fashion show suddenly walk onto the road, nearly being hit by them.

Girl says: "That was pretty fucking clothes."

Anti-vaxxers remind me of the show GLEE

Both haven't aged well

Me: Damnit! The forecast shows up to 5 inches of snow!!

Wife: If I don’t complain about a few inches, neither should you.

I starred in an award winning one man show...

about my life growing up in a small town. Because I love them so much, I bought my grandparents expensive box seats to see it. After the show they were so excited to tell me how great it was. My grandpa looked at me with pride in his eyes and said, “Congratulations. You played yourself.”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An 18 year old girl tells her mom she has missed her period for 1 month. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

It Snowed last so I made a Snow man

8:00 am: I made a snowman.

8:10 - A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn't make a snow woman.

8:15 - So, I made a snow woman.

8:17 - My feminist neighbor complained about the snow woman's voluptuous chest saying it objectified snow women everywhere.

8:20 - The gay c...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Studies show that prostitutes have higher levels of oxytocin than the average person.

Oxytocin is known to increase erotic vocalizations during sex. Scientists believe that this may be an adaptation to help with pleasing their clients.

It's a very powerful whore-moan.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So its being reported that Neil deGrasse Tyson is having his show pulled from the air due to sexual misconduct allegations. I only have one thing to say about that.

It wasn't actually "pulled from the air". It was removed from a broadcast schedule that includes land, space and over-the-air signal delivery.

Euler's Number, an imaginary number, and the speed of light are all waiting in line to buy tickets to the show. In what order do they stand in line?

*i* before *e*, except after *c*.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Isn't it eerie how you can be thinking of a certain person and they just show up out of nowhere?

Anyway, your mother just walked in on me masturbating.

My wife got a haircut today, and came home to show me. I said, "that's amazing, I love it!"

"... Did you get it shorter or longer?"

I saw that new Queen film at a drive in and there was a terrible electrical storm during the show...

Thunderbolts and lightning! Very, very frightening!

Don't show Das Kapital to the young 'uns

M for mature

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