The show COPS has been dropped from broadcast

honoring the longstanding tradition of police turning off their cameras.

LMAO IM AT MY SCHOOL TALENT SHOW AND DUDE SAYS “Before I begin, I want to make sure this mic is working”

“If your name is Michael, please stand up”

Then a couple dudes stand up

And he goes “That concludes the mike check”



stolen from twitter @ cheyrubi

The IRS decided to audit Grandpa, and summoned him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, “Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the IRS finds that believable.”

“I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,” says Grandpa. “How about a demonstration?”

The a...

What did the cop do when he showed up to the protest?

Beats me.

Women bikinis show 90% of their skin

But because we don’t objectify women we just look at the covered parts

A kid comes up to me to show me a nickel he had just found...

He then says he could tell my fortune if I gave him a penny. I gave him a penny and he told me my fortune, “You are going to laugh within the next few minutes.”
Confused, I asked how he could know this. He held out his hand with the coins in his palm and said, “I’ve got this sixth cents.”
He ...

I was in a long McDonald’s drive-through this morning and the young lady behind me leaned on her horn because I was taking too long to place my order.

“Take the high road,” I thought to myself. So when I got to the first window I paid for her order along with my own.

The cashier must have told her what I'd done because as we moved up she leaned out her window and waved to me and mouthed "Thank you.", obviously embarrassed that I had rep...

I bumped into an old school friend today. He started showing off, talking about his well paid job and expensive sports car.

Then he pulled out a photo of his wife and said, "She's beautiful, isn't she?".

I said "If you think she's gorgeous, you should see my girlfriend."

He said, "Why? Is she a stunner?", I said "No, she's an optician."

A young boy runs into the house and excited shows his mother a 50$ bill he found in the park.

Are you sure it was lost, his mother asked. Yes, the boy replied, I am positive, I even saw the guy looking for it.

Student: Can I borrow a pencil?

**Teacher:** I don't know, can you borrow a pencil?

**Student:** Aha, but I clearly meant to ask for permission. Since you and the rest of the class understood my intent perfectly well, and the word "may" to show permission is rapidly falling out of fashion, there is nothing wrong with asking...

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Three guys are walking through the woods when they find a lamp. One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie. Delighted, the genie says "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes."

The first guy immediately shouts out "I want a billion pounds." *POOF*, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50 The second man thinks for a bit, then says "I want to be the richest man alive." *POOF*, he's holding papers showing his net worth is now wel...

Have you ever seen the show Naked & Afraid?

It kinda reminds me of playing hide and seek with my uncle.

I watched a show last night and at the beginning it said "Viewer discretion is advised"

Unfortunately that's all I can tell you about that

(NSFW) What is the difference between love, true love, and just showing off?

Spitting, swallowing, and gargling

The CEO of a hardware company calls in his top ad man and tells him, "We need a new TV spot for our B&Q Nails line."

A week later, the ad man comes back with a videotape and pops it into the VCR in the CEO's office. The commercial starts and the CEO sees Jesus being nailed to the cross while a voice over says, "B&Q nails: they get the job done." The CEO is irritated and says, "That is completely unacceptable! ...

What do you call a show where people laugh at you while you get your therapy?

Dr.Phil

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What do you call it when you’re watching porn, and you finish right as it shows the guy’s dick?

Dishonorable discharge

I want to make a trivia show for rednecks where wrong answers cost them their hair.

I'll call it "Mullet Over."

I met a girl at a party and she said, “Come outside and I’ll show you a good time.."

So we went outside and she ran 100 metres in 9.79 seconds.

I scared the postman today by showing up to the door completely naked...

I'm not sure what him scared him more, the fact I was naked or that I knew where he lived.

I made a graph showing my past relationships

It has an ex-axis and a why-axis

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A guy was waiting at the bus stop for the bus, when a beautifull girl shows up...

She has the most beautiful tits that the has ever seen, and immediatly he goes crazy...

After 5 minutes looking at her, he can't resist and go talk to her:

\- I am really sorry... But i am in love with your beautiful breasts... If i give you $200,000 would you let me bite your boobs?...

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If there's a girl sitting in front of you with her ass crack showing and you drop Tic Tacs down there, what you call it?

Her-ass-mint

Why did the Bernie supporter show up to the polling station at 8:30 when the polls had already closed at 8:00?

He didn't know he had to vote bi den.

My girlfriend asked me to show her how I felt with a bunch of flowers...

... So I gave her a triffid.

Why does American army show up in the American cities?

Did they find oil in them?

Sam had amazing vocal skills, but was in doubt of them all the time. He got himself to sign up to a Talent Show for the first time. And finally in front of all the people

Samsung

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My girlfriend Mel just showed me a photo album full of all her self shot images she’s taken over the years

She says it’s her Melfie folder

Who is Euler's constant's favorite talk show host?

ln Degeneres

A man ventured into a restaurant that showed a sign saying Whatever you could eat, and we would get the bill to get paid by your grandchildren.

When he finished and about to leave the waiter brought him the bill, he snapped saying but you said my grandchildren were to pay, the waiter replied, sure but this one is for your grandfather.

SHOW ME YOUR CARD

A Department of Water representative stopped at a farm and talked with an
old farmer. He told the farmer, 'I need to inspect your farm for your
water allocation.' The old farmer said, 'OK , but don't go in that field
over there.

The Water representative said, 'Mister, I have the auth...

A Morning Radio Show in the USSR

"Good morining fellow comrades and welcome to Radio Yerevan's daily Morning show! "

"Today we are waking up with Comrade Stalin and you may not see it but the whole nation is waking up with him!"

"Right now Comrade Stalin is doing his morning excersise and the whole nation is doing mo...

The Pope and Donald Trump are standing in front of a large crowd.

The Pope says to Trump, “Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of your followers, but go deep into their hearts and for the rest of their lives whenever they speak of this day, they...

I'm trying to convince my wife to upgrade our yard so I wanted to show her on my chromecast people having fun on terraces so I yelled "Hey google, show me a movie of a wife enjoying a big deck with her friends" but I think google misheard me.

I just made it up after a couple of glasses

I can’t believe it’s been more than 15 years since the show ended, but people are still making Friends references.

No one told me life was gonna be this way.

Talent show

A guy walks into a bar with an octopus. He sits the octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented octopus. He can play any musical instrument in the world. He hears everyone in the crowd laughing at him, calling him an idiot, etc. So he says that he will wager $5...

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My therapists tell me that I often show a sign of distrust.

I don't think so.

What is a Gardener's favorite show?

Lawn and order.

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Did you hear about the psychic show that shut down?

It was closed due to unforeseen circumstances.

A guy shows up late for work.

The boss yells, "You should have been here at 8.30"

He replies "Why what happened at 8.30?"

What’s a mathematicians favorite tv show?

Sinefeld

We need to show more appreciation towards people who created even the smallest joke

Because if it were easy, you would have came up with something funny by now.

Two priests step into the communal shower, when they notice there's no soap. One says, "I'll go to my room and get two bars." He runs naked to the room, grabs the bars, but as he's running back, three nuns show up. Not knowing what else to do, he freezes like a statue...

The nuns look at the statue and say, "Such a beautiful figure, perfectly shaped!"

One of them, admiring its "toy soldier" decides do pull it.

The priest's reaction to the enormous pain makes him drop one of the soap bars, but he holds his pose.

The nun conclude then, that it's n...

Whenever my wife asks me to clean the kitchen, I show her funny videos until she forgets she asked

But now she says she's had enough of my delaying TikToks

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I wasn't the only one in my house who was offended by the overly sexual nature of this year's Super Bowl Halftime Show.

Even my teenage son ran to his room so he wouldn't have to watch it.

Showing Off

An American, a Cuban, a Scotsman and a lawyer, were on a cruise ship. As they were standing on the deck, watching the waves and chatting, each one started showing off.
The Cuban took out a nice Cohiba cigar, lit it, took just one puff and tossed it into the sea. The other guys were flabbergasted....

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Jane always had a certain attraction to Tarzan. So during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex.

"Tarzan not know what is sex" he replied.

Jane then explained to him what sex was.

Tarzan said ...."Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."

Stunned by his response, Jane said: "Tarzan you have it all wrong, you don't shag a tree to get yourself off. Tell you what, I will show yo...

I wanted my friend to resume the tv show about a bank robbery.

I guess I wanted him to de-pause-it.

I invited my girlfriend to go to the gym with me and then i didn’t show.

I hope she gets the message that we’re not working out.

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I showed my herpes doctor my mixtape today

Says shit bumps

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Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community...

If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.

The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise Rabbi to represent them in the debate.

However, as the Rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Hebrew, they agreed that it would be a 'si...

Studies show 9 in 10 Americans do not have basic math skills

I'm so glad I'm in the 1%

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A woman joins a country club and when she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?" No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot…

Finally, one man says, "Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m."

He figures the early tee-time will discourage her.

The woman says this may be a problem and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late.

They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay."

She's there at 6:30 am. sharp and beats al...

There's an upcoming show featuring the woman from Tiger King and Batman's sidekick, going around and reviewing ice cream parlors

Carole Baskin And Robin's

I showed up late for a Zoom meeting...

...when asked for a reason, I confessed: "You wouldn't believe the network traffic".

Me: This show is boring...

Boss: Again, this is a Zoom conference!

New study shows that overweight women...

...live significantly longer than men who mention it.

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Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong.

“Well," replies Paul, "you know that beautiful girl who I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?"

“Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh.

“Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally built up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."

“That's great!" sa...

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I showed up to my premature ejaculation support group.

Turns out, it's tomorrow.

I HATE when homeless people shake their cans of change at me.

I get it, you have more money than me, you don't have to show off.

There was a study to show the effectiveness of jackhammers.

It was ground-breaking.

In a Bar a hostess was putting up a show..She kept taking of layers of her clothes, Whenever she removed a layer, people clapped like mad. In the end, she removed the last layer, But nobody clapped..

...Because nobody can clap with 1 hand

A father was trying to teach his young son the evils of alcohol. He put one worm in a glass of water and another worm in a glass of whiskey. The worm in the water lived, while the one in whiskey curled up and died. "All right, son." asked the father, "what does that show you?"

"Well, Dad, it shows that if you drink alcohol, you will not have worms."

A couple took in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger.

She asked if she could have a bath, but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bath, although if she wanted to, she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.

"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said.

The girl agreed to have a bath the followin...

I opened a tub of soft margarine and it looked just like the face of Jesus!

I showed my Indian friend and he said "I can't believe it's not Buddha".

What has gone down since carona virus has showed up?

School Shootings

My 7 year old nephew showed me with pride the "telephone" he had just made from a string and two tin cans...

I pulled out my iPhone and said, "That's nice, but look at what kids your age make in China!"

This year showed us that nobody had 20 20 vision

Because no one saw this coming.

(DISCLAIMER: VERY VERY BAD JOKE) Two mates come for a meet together after high school...

One has a new Mercedes S550L, the other has a beaten up VW Golf. The Golf guy tells his friend that he has something to show off to him.

They drive to a nearby car park.

The Golf driver opens his glovebox and whips out a lamp. He scratches it, a genie pops up.

He tells the gen...

A lion tamer had quit without notice and the circus manager needed someone to replace him for the next night's show.

He out an ad in the local paper and the next morning two applicants showed up outside his office. One was a rather ordinary looking young man and the other was a rather ravishing red headed beauty. Neither one of them looked very much like a lion trainer, but the manager was desperate.

"All r...

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Why do the Hong Kong police like to show up to work early?

They like to beat the crowds.

Edit: WTF is wrong with you people?
I know dark humor is like a kid with cancer, it never gets old but, 2 shiny bottle caps?? NO!! Send that money to the protesters, or groups helping them, in Hong Kong.

Edit 2:
Add edit to first comment.
Also he...

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A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend.

She was thrilled at the speed.
"If I do 200mph, will you take off your clothes?" he asked.
"Yes!" said his adventurous girlfriend.
And as he gets up to 200, she peeled off all her clothes.
Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over.
The nake...

Today my wife showed me all about the 50 Shades of Gray.

Then we picked one. Now I have to paint the bedroom.

Can you show me a book on how to commit Suicide?

"No" - Librarian "Why?" - Man "You won't bring it back" - Librarian

A recent scientific study shows that,

Out of 2,293,618,367 people, 94 percent are too lazy to actually read that number.

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A drunk guy is showing friends his new apartment...

The last stop is the bedroom, where a big brass gong sits next to the bed.

"What's that gong for?" the friend asks him.

"It's not a gong," the drunk replies. "It's a talking clock."

"How does it work?"

The guys picks up a hammer, gives the gong an ear-shattering pound, an...

I was watching an Australian cooking show and the audience applauded when the chef made merengue...

I was surprised... I thought Australians usually boo merengue.

I should change my name to Billy and get a job as a radio show presenter.

Then I can finally be a Billy-on-air.

I met a girl last night at a bar who said she could show me a good time.

When we left she ran a 40 yard dash in 4.42 seconds. Well she wasn't lying.

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Every time my girlfriend climaxes during sex she blurts out the ending of a movie or a show and ends up spoiling it for me.

I really wish I could get her to stop cumming to conclusions.

A man is showing an alien around earth

"Let's go to a pub", says the man.

They go in. The Alien walks up to the bartender and orders a pint. The bartender sets the pint down and the alien hands him 3 milk bottle tops.

"uh sorry we don't accept th-"

The man interrupts the bartender and explains the situation.

...

A patriotic theater director for fired by their university after announcing they were writing a new show.

They probably shouldn’t have searched for “ProState Play” ideas on their work computer.

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One day at school the home room teacher was absent and the kids had a substitute. He started class and took attendance. 15 minutes late, a boy showed up.

Trying do do his job well he asked, where have you been?

The boy, John, responded " I was on Cherry Hill."

"ok" said the teacher. "Well take a seat." So the boy did.

Than 7 minutes later another boy, Lenny, got to class. "Why are you so late?!" The confused substitute teacher a...

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My girlfriend asked to do a 69

I said "what’s that?" she said "lay down an I’ll show you" so she went to squat over my face.

as she did she farted and jumped up and said "sorry" and then tried again, she then farted a 2nd time.

with that I jumped up an said "I’m off, I’m fucked if I’m hanging around for another 67 o...

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Show-and-Tell

A kindergarten teacher gave her class a "show-and-tell" assignment. Each student was instructed to bring in an object that represented their religion to share with the class.

The first student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is Benjamine and I am Jewish and this is a Star of ...

I dated a girl until she showed me her right foot

I dated a girl until she showed me her right foot. She lost 3 toes in an accident as a child, so I had to run away. What else could I do? I am lack toes intolerant.

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A car full of Irish nuns

A car full of Irish nuns is sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin, when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them.

"Hey, show us yer tits, ya bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.
Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, "I don't think ...

The police showed up at my house

They said if I want to walk around my house naked, I have to do it from inside (sorry if it’s a repost).

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A man parks his car in a 'disabled parking' spot when a traffic policeman shows up.

'Well well well sir,' says the policeman while getting his coupon book 'what is your handicap that allows you to park here?'

After a brief moment of thinking the man awnsers: 'Tourette's sydrome, Cocksucker!'

A thrice divorced woman is giving love another try ...

Her first love abused her with his fists. The second one ran away. The third one completely failed in bed. But she still feels lonely and doesn't want to stop believing in love, so she posted an ad on a newspaper with her story that she was still available. A few days later, she heard the doorbell r...

It seems everyone either loves or hates the Parks & Rec show

I guess you could say it's poehlerizing

What do you call bugs on a game show?

Contest-ants

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A man shows up to work with two black eyes.

His boss noticing the pair of matching black eyes decides to pull him aside and ask him what happened.

"Jesus Dave, how did that happen?"

"Well Bill... There was a woman standing in line at the grocery store with her sundress wedged in her ass crack. So I pulled it out and she blacked ...

Guy took an airline to court after his luggage did not show up

He lost his case

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A redhead walks into a tattoo show wearing a leather miniskirt and no panties and sits down in the tattoo chair and says, "I want a tattoo of Bon Jovi on the inside of one thigh and Richie Sambora on the other."

Tattoo artist asks, " What on earth for?"
Woman says, "So when I masturbate I can imagine I'm with either one, or both of them and have really intense orgasms!"
Makes sense to the tattoo artist so he dives in and gets to work. A few hours later the tattoo artist tells the woman that he's finis...

An Englishman and an Irishman go to a bakery. The Englishman steals three buns and puts them into his pockets and leaves. He says to the Irishman: “That took great skill and guile to steal those buns. The owner didn’t even see me.”

“That’s just simple thievery,” the Irishman replied. “I’ll show you how to do it the honest way and get the same results.”

The Irishman then proceeded to call out the owner of the bakery and says: “Sir, I want to show you a magic trick.” The owner was intrigued so he came over to see the magi...

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Toilet paper shortage shows that there are more assholes than we thought

Period.

I recently attended a Broadway show about Puns...

...it was a play on words.

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A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery.

He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?" The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a very strange sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was...

Studies show that after being released from prison, women have a tendency to immediately begin menstruation.

This is because a period comes at the end of a sentence.

A study shows 90% of people couldn’t distinguish between the epididymis and the perineal membrane

But trust me, there’s a vas deferens between the two

A new study shows that unvaccinated children are less likely to be autistic

Because they are more likely to be dead.

I keep trying to learn about this one TV show,

but every time I ask “What is Jeopardy?”, people just laugh.

I took my epileptic cousin to his first laser show.

He was literally shaking with excitement.

I was digging in the front garden when my neighbor saw me struggling with the shovel and came over to help with a rotortiller. A couple minutes later the other neighbor brought his garden tractor, and the guy down the street show up with a backhoe...

Well that excavated quickly.

A man with two buckets of fish was leaving a lake well known for its fishing and was stopped by a game warden.

The warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"

The man replied to the game warden, "No, sir. These are my pet fish."

"Pet fish?!" the warden replied.

"Yes, sir. Every night I take these fish down to this lake and let them swim around for about a half-h...

I heard their coming out with a new reality TV show...

... "American Idle"

Show me a fella with poor hand washing technique

and I’ll show you a man who finishes in under 20 seconds

What do you call a turkey that shows too much cleavage?

A fowl temptress.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Good long one this!

One day an old man got a call from the FBI. The caller told him “We have noticed large amounts of money going in and out of your account, please come see us on Monday” The old man sat there for a second and thought, I should get myself a lawyer. So on Monday he walks to the office and the assistant ...

A perfectly triangular lake has 3 kingdoms on its 3 sides

A perfectly triangular lake has 3 kingdoms on its 3 sides. The first kingdom is rich and powerful, filled with wealthy, prosperous people, the second is more humble, but has its fair share of wealth and power. The third kingdom is struggling and poor, and barely has an army.

The kingdoms ...

I'm going to write a TV show about a detective living in Hawaii who uses mathematics to solve crimes in a circular fashion

that's right, Magnum Pi.

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So there’s this farm. On this farm, there’s a cow, a chicken, and a horse, and the three of them are best friends.

So there’s this farm. On this farm, there's a cow, a chicken, and a horse, and the three of them are best friends.

They do just about everything together. And one day, they're sitting at the window of the house, and the farmer's kid is watching MTV, and they're watching it, and they hear the ...

Research Shows Bad Jokes Increase Risk of Getting Sick

Because it makes you facepalm.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy goes into a bar and says to the bartender, "If I show you the most amazing thing you've ever seen, will you let me drink for free tonight?"

The bartender says, "Let me see and I'll consider it."

So the guy reaches into his bag and pulls out a miniature piano and a hamster. The hamster sits in front of the piano and starts playing. And not just banging out "Chopsticks", the hamster is plays Chopin, some ragtime, and even some rock...

You've got to hand it to Trump, he defeated ISIS...

...they gave up operations after Trump shows he can kill more Americans than they ever could.

I got popular on the Vine app with a show called........

Whose Vine Is It Anyway?

I’ve decided I’m dressing in a costume for Christmas. I’m going to wear a fleece jacket, show off pictures of kids and carry a GPS navigation unit. I’m going as......

FLEECE NAVI-DAD

There once was a man who owned a sausage factory, and he was showing his arrogant preppy son around his factory.

Try as he might to impress his snobbish son, his son would just sneer.

They approached the heart of the factory, where the father thought, "This should impress him!"

He showed his son a machine and said, "Son, this is the heart of the factory. With this machine here we can put in a pig...

Little Johnny gets caught playing doctor with the neighbour girl.

Dad doesn’t approve thinking Johnny is on track to knock up a young teen in a few years.
“Johnny, you know that girls have teeth down there?
“What, are you lying?”
“Nope, you need to keep clear of that business son”

Years later in high school Johnny starts dating a girl but after s...

A new survey shows that 97% of the world is certified stupid.

Luckily I'm in the other 5%.

An Englishman,a Frenchman,a Spaniard and a German are watching a juggling show

The juggler notices that they have a poor view and stands on a box.
He then says”Can you see me now?”

And they answer:

“Yes”

“Oui”

“Si”

“Ja”

An elderly man on a Moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to a doctor at a street light.

The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, 'What kind of car ya got there, sonny?'

The doctor replies, “1500+hp Porsche 917/30. It cost half a million dollars!”

'That's a lot of money,' says the old man.
'Why does it cost so much?'

'Because this car can do up to ...

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