A man walks into a bar and sits down He asks the barkeep "If I can show you something you have never seen before, can I drink here for free tonight?"

The barkeep thinks about it and says "well I have seen a lot of stuff, if you can genuinely show me something I have not seen before, I will pick up your tab tonight".

So the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a minature piano and sets it on the bar, then he reaches into his other pock...

A man walks into a bar. The bartender greets him and says, For 5 bucks, I’ll show you something amazing...

The man agrees and hands over his 5 bucks.

The bartender pulls out a small piano and a guy who is only about a foot tall. The guy sits down and plays an amazing tune on the piano.

“Wow he’s amazing. Where did you get him!?!”

He bartender replied, “There is a genie on the corner,...

A new study shows that fertility is hereditary

If your parents didn't have any children, chances are you won't either.

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A big city doctor visits an Native American tribe full of men and he asks "How do you guys relieve your sexual tension?"

"Simple, just come down to the river tomorrow and we'll show you." The next day the doctor shows up and sees a group of men near a donkey. One man says "Since you're our guest you get to go first." The doctor not wanting to go against custom starts to kiss, then proceeds to have sex with the donkey....

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A man walks in to a bar with a box under his arm and says to the barman, “If I can show something you have never seen before will you give me a free drink?”

Now the barman has seen mostly everything in his time and says, “Sure, impress me and hell, I’ll give you a free tab for the eve!” So the man puts down the box and opens it and then he pulls a small piano out of it and places it on the bar and then a little man as well. The little man walks up to ...

I met a girl at a club the other night & she told me she'd show me a good time.

When we got outside, she ran a 40 yard dash in 4.8 seconds.

People always say the show Lost had such a great pilot

Then why did the plane crash?

Once upon a time a Mexican magician performed in a magic show.

He counted:

“Uno...”

“Dos...”

And disappeared without a trace.

I liked Chernobyl because it was a show about my hometown...

I give it four thumbs up.

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Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy...

There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community...

If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.

The Jewish people met and picked an aged a...

Some might doubt that TV shows inspired hundreds of thousands of people to raid Area 51 looking for supernatural beings

but I've seen stranger things

A PETA member was going to drive himself to a fashion show, but he changed his mind...

...when he found out they would show fur.

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You show me your boobs and I’ll show you my tattoo.

Tit for Tat.

A game show for knives:

Will they make the cut?

Her: Who's your favourite Muppet Show character?

Me: The vampire

Her: That's Sesame Street – he doesn't count

Me: I can assure you that he does

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem, the captain's parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the magician did in every trick. Once he understood that, he started shouting in the middle of the show:


"Look, it's not the same hat!"


"Look, he's hiding the flowers unde...

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When Jane first met Tarzan in the jungle, she was instantly attracted to him and during her questions about his life, she asked him if he had ever had sex. "Tarzan not know sex." he replied. Jane explained to him what it was.

Tarzan said, "Ohhh...Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."

Horrified, Jane said, "Tarzan, you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly."

She took off her clothing and lay down on the ground.

"Here." she said, pointing to her privates, "You must put it in he...

I hate when my daughter tells that she feels embarassed when I show up in her workplace and check on her

But this is the only strip club in the town ..

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The latest research shows more money is now spent on boob jobs and Viagra than on Alzheimer’s research.

This means that by 2040, the elderly will all have perky tits and stiff cocks, but absolutely no idea why.

Why do actors say “break a leg” before a show?

Because it has to be supported by a strong cast.

How do people from the Jersey Shore show their condolences?

They send their thots and players

What’s a road worker’s favourite TV show?

Game of Cones

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Whose idea was it to show a bunch of naked butts in the new Ghostbusters movie?

Rick Moranis

I invited my girlfriend to go to the gym with me and then I didn’t show up

I hope she gets the message that we’re not working out.

*shows pictures of different brands of stereos that are black

Damn, that's a lot black stereo types.

A study done by me shows that 74% of people are bad at mathematics.

Fortunately, I'm in the remaining 34%.

Activists Sued for Copyright Violation after portraying Trump as Jafar in Aladdin Stage Show.

Judge says Pantomime to Tyrancy was Tantamount to Piracy.

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A new monk shows up at a monastery where the monks spend their time making copies of ancient books.

The new monk goes to the basement of the monastery saying he wants to make copies of the originals rather than of others' copies so as to avoid duplicating errors they might have made.
Several hours later the monks, wondering where their new friend is, find him crying in the basement.
They a...

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I called in a psychic radio show while I was taking a ride in a hot air balloon.

Psychic: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air.

Me: Holy shit, how did you know??

My dentist has a TV on the ceiling so the patient can watch shows while he works

Netflix and Drill

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[nsfw] When HBO launches a show they trademark all the possible porn names. They now own...

“Game of bones”, “Dothraki Bukaki”, “Ass High in the shadow” and of course “Two Cleganes one Bowl”

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[NSFW] A study just released shows that 84 percent of all people admit to masturbating regularly.

Scientists are very encouraged. The 16 percent rate of lying is the lowest they have ever measured.

A pompous student is taking a college course but never shows up to class. on the day of exams...

On the day of exams the student comes in and starts writing his essay with the rest as if he’s been there the whole time. The professor sees this and thinks how weird it is that the kid is taking the exam without going to the classes. Anyways the time is nearing the end and the professor announces t...

I performed a magic show for my aunt who was in a coma.

Needless to say, she was speechless.

Our marriage councilor said I need to show my wife more appreciation for the things she does.

So this morning I slipped her a twenty and said “this is for last night”.

I don’t understand.

I went to a hypnotist show last night.

And i really felt sorry for him. He hypnotized 7 guys, then he dropped his mic on his foot and yelled "FU*K ME".

A man goes to heaven and is greeted by an angel who shows him around the place

"Over there is a local restaurant, it's guaranteed to have your favorite meal there" said the angel

"And over there is a theater, and to the left, there's a swimming pool"

The angel soon finishes the tour and finds that the man is overjoyed.

The angel had one more thing to say t...

They say an 80s D&D TV show couldn't work on a modern internet streaming platform

But Stranger Things has happened.

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I was watching this animal instructor show off this monkey. The monkey began acting up, and that's when shit hit the fan.

Even the janitor refused to clean up the mess...

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The winner of ‘best feline bottom in show’ was brutally killed last night. The award is thought to be the murder weapon.

It was a cat ass trophy.

A man and his wife attends an air show

The man sees a small aeroplane with an open roof and beautiful aesthetics. On a sign beside the plane wrote "100 dollars for a flight per person"
The man asked his wife "can we take a flight? It is my dream to take a flight in this beautiful plane."
His wife said "No, 200 dollars is too much ...

A man walks into a bar and says to the bartender: "If I show you something you've never seen before, can I drink for free?"

The bartender looks skeptical.

"Ive seen a lot of things bud, but sure, lets see what you got."

The man reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a very small piano and sets it on the bar. Then he takes out a man, about a foot tall, wearing a very fancy tuxedo and sets him on the bar ...

What do you call Jesus at a fashion show?

A Cross Dresser.

What do Alabamans use to show their family tree?

A telephone pole. No branches

When an instagram guy shows you a meme

Lol, I already reddit.

Every girl I take home instantly sounds like an angry old man when I show them my house.

"Bloody kids"

How come when NASA shows pictures of their black hole, it’s “breaking news”

But when I show pictures of mine it’s an “HR violation”

Studies show the average worker is productive for 2 hours in an 8 hour work day...

...I totally disagree, because it’s hard work trying to not get caught doing nothing by your boss.

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A high school is having a talent show.

The first act is a girl trying to tie a knot with a cherry stem in her mouth. She tries and tries, but she just cant do it.

A guy from the audience yells out, "Hey, maybe you should practice with my dick!" Most of the audience laughs.

The girl requests a microphone and a nearby teacher...

Asked my date to meet me at the gym but she didn't show up...

Guess we are not gonna work out.

A recent study shows that a weird side effect of doing too much cocaine is really glossy skin.

Scientists are calling it the Charlie Sheen.

Just learned that a dentist a block away from me was arrested for dealing drugs. Shows you how wrong you can be about people. I had been going to him him for over ten years.

Never knew he was a dentist.

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A recent study shows that 60% of people use their cellphones to cheat on their partners.

The remaining 40% prefer to use their penis.

After our radio station's accountant died in a parachuting accident, the program director told me to play some Tom Petty in rememberance after the obituary, as the accountant liked his music. However, when I did exactly that, he ended up putting my show off air. Dunno why.

Though maybe I shouldn't have played *Free Fallin'*...

What would be a terrifying game show for flat-earthers?

Sphere Factor

There was a great TV show about lumberjacks.

But it got axed.

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You guys know that feeling when you are thinking about someone and they just show up out of nowhere?

Well anyways my dad caught me masturbating

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My black friend said he doesn't watch the tv show "Friends," because it's racist.

How can it be racist though when it doesn't even have black people in it?!?

I had an idea for a JFK tv show but no network would pick it up

They kept saying I was trying to assassinate his character

I once got kicked out of a Depeche Mode after show party for eating Dave Gahan's Brie and Stilton.

Apparently they were his own personal cheeses.

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It took a lot of balls for my friend to join the cast of a new Reality TV show called “Embarrassing Bodies.”

Four, to be exact.

A boy shows his new iPhone X to a friend....

The friend is jealous and asked him: "Where did you get it?"

To that the boy replies: "I won it in a race"

The friend, intrigued asks: "Against whom?"

To that the boy replies again: "The phone's owner and two police officers....

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An American, a German, a Canadian, and a Jew are sent to a deserted island as part of a reality show.

They are told to bring one item each.

1. The American brings a smartphone

2. The German brings a book.
3. The Canadian brings a laptop
4. The Jew brings a blow up doll.

One year later, the Jew has a smartphone, a book, and a laptop.

New research shows that laughing for 2 minutes is just as healthy and as good for you as a 20 minute jog.

So now I’m sitting in the park laughing at all the joggers.

My first time buying condoms, at age 16, I went to the pharmacy. The hot cashier at the counter could see that I was new at it and gave me the pack asking if I knew how to use one. I said, "No, it's my first time."

She took one out, put it on her thumb and told me to make sure it was on tight.

I still looked confused.

She looked around the store to see if it was empty and it was.

"Just a minute." she said and locked the door.

She led me to the back room, took off her shirt and bra.<...

My comedian friend arranged a date with a girl and didn't show up. She wasn't pleased.

Some people just don't appreciate stand-up comedy these days.

It only takes a second to show someone how you feel about them,

The police call it indecent exposure, but whatever...

You know who's the best character in the Game of Thrones show right now?

It *Varys*

A canibal shows up late to a dinner

He ended up getting the cold shoulder

Show business

Joke, from the 1979 movie 'Saint Jack': A man goes to a doctor with a severe rash on his forearm.

The doctor asks: 'What do you do for a living?'

The man responds: 'I work at the circus. I give enemas to elephants. That means I have to stick my hand up their ass.'

The doctor ...

Hitler had a game show.

He called it the amazing race.

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A blonde shows up to a bar where two of her lovers are drinking together and telling sex stories.

The guys think they're dating different chicks and don't see her come in. She sneaks over to a table by the jukebox and listens in.

"It was straight up the most enthusiastic BJ ever," the first guy says. "It was like she was trying to break the bob a knob speed record. And she literally had n...

TV Show Pitch: 30 Unvaccinated Kids Live in a House Together

We'll call it Survivor.

Anti vaccinated kids show no sign of autism

Because autism isn’t detected until age 3

A undertaker hosted a magic show once.

His slogan was, "Abra-cadaver-a".

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I was walking home from school when 2 thugs came and started beating the shit out of me. Suddenly, my brother shows up to help out.

Now I can't fight all three of them.

Research shows

that the people of Saudi Arabia don't like "The Flintstones"..

But the people of Abu Dhabi do.

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I told a girl I wanted to show her my schlong...

After she saw it, she said looks more like a schmall

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A recent study shows that masturbation is twice as effective as sex when it comes to stress relief.

One in hand is worth two in the bush.

I'm opening a tattoo shop where I give free tattoos to girls who show me their breast

I'll call it "Tit for tat"

Alligator Show

A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons.
"I'll make you a deal. I will open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He will then open his mouth...

What do you call a show about two cokeheads with short term memory loss?

Whose Line Is It Anyway?

The new image shows the black hole having bright ring formed as photons from light gets drawn in the intense gravity around a black hole that is 6.5 billion times more massive than the Sun…

..but it still doesn't suck more than your Mom.

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I told my wife that with all those cooking shows she watches she should be a better cook.

She told me that with all those pornos I watch I should be a better fuck.

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I took a bunch of Viagra, but then my date didn't show up.

I had a massive stroke after, and again an hour later.

I asked a cheesemaker to show me his secret ingredient

He said," No Whey!"

A man finally got engaged to his dream woman. Eager to show off his new fiance, he took her to his home town.

Upon arrival, he approached his mother and said, “I’m going to bring home three girls and I want you to guess which one is my fiance.”

Sure enough, twenty minutes later, the man walked in the door with three girls following behind him.

Without a moment’s hesitation the mother pointed t...

Studies show that 9 out of 10 Vegans have trouble with constipation.

Goes to show that what happens in Vegans, stays in Vegans.

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Police were investigating an incident that happened during a hypnotist's show

A male hypnotist ended up in the hospital with multiple injuries. They interviewed a witness on what happened during the show.

Police: So, can you tell us what happened?

Witness: So we were watching a hypnotist doing his show, all is going well. He asked for volunteers from the audienc...

Recent study shows leading cause of dehydration in children:

Bedtime.

Show Off - A young businessman has just set up his own company.

A young businessman has just set up his own company. He rents an office downtown and buys some trendy furniture for it. Sitting behind his new desk, he suddenly sees a potential client come into the outer office. Wanting to appear busy, he picks up the phone and pretends that he’s calling an importa...

What shows a nose is on strike?

A pick-it sign

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An undercover cop called at my farm in rural texas yesterday evening...

An undercover cop called at my farm in rural texas yesterday evening...

“I need to inspect your farm for illegally grown drugs”, he said.




“By all means officer, just don’t go in that field over there”, I replied.




The cop exploded, saying “Do you know ...

I liked the new show Bonding on Netflix but it was too short.

Just like Fred.

My professor has this weird habit of reading the news to us in class. Today he didn’t show up.

So a subreddit.

Working on an underfunded TV show is really hard

All those involved deserve some props

Studies show that 9 out of 10 men struggle with erectile dysfunction

I think that's crazy. Men nowadays are just getting soft

TIL: ”Buckwheat” from the “Little Rascals” tv show converted to Islam...

His new name is “Kareem O Wheat”

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A guy shows up to a Halloween party...

No shoes, shirt, socks...

The hosts asks: what are you supposed to be?

A pre-mature ejaculation. I just came in my pants.

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Stats show that the average person has sex 89 times per year.

Looks like I’m in for a wild December.

TIL that Sir Paul McCartney once turned down nearly $64 million to appear on an American talk show because he wanted to stay home and watch his favorite sport on TV.

It was *Ellen* or rugby.

Me on the Ellen show

Ellen: So I heard you like nothing

Me: Yup

Ellen: “the void starts swallowing up the entire studio”

Me: OMG Ellen you didn’t!

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