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Why do the Hong Kong police like to show up to work early?

They like to beat the crowds.

Edit: WTF is wrong with you people?
I know dark humor is like a kid with cancer, it never gets old but, 2 shiny bottle caps?? NO!! Send that money to the protesters, or groups helping them, in Hong Kong.

Edit 2:
Add edit to first comment.
Also he...

A guy goes into a bar and says to the bartender, "If I show you the most amazing thing you've ever seen, will you let me drink for free tonight?"

The bartender says, "Let me see and I'll consider it."

So the guy reaches into his bag and pulls out a miniature piano and a hamster. The hamster sits in front of the piano and starts playing. And not just banging out "Chopsticks", the hamster is plays Chopin, some ragtime, and even some rock...

A new report shows that a million of these people enter our country every year...

A new report shows that a million of these people enter our country every year. They are uneducated, unskilled, and contribute nothing. They are a burden to honest, hardworking Australians and our government is doing nothing to stop them and they even support them, not to mention they're dirty and t...

Welcome to the Reddit stand-up comedy show

\*I enter the stage, applause erupts\*

Alright alright reddit! How you feelin' today?

\*applause\*

Alright! So, show of hands, how many of you are redditors?

\*everyone raises their hands\*

Haha, maybe not too surprising. Because you all look depressed and out of s...

Four worms were placed in four separate test tubes: 1st in beer 2nd in wine 3rd in whiskey 4th in mineral water The next day, the teacher shows the results: The 1st worm in beer, dead. The 2nd in wine, dead. The 3rd in whiskey, dead. The 4th in mineral water, alive and healthy.

The teacher asks the class:
- What do we learn from this experience?

And a child responds:
- Whoever drinks beer, wine and whiskey
does not have worms.

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When social media bans female boobs, but not men's, it shows a real intolerance...

lactose intolerance.

A Roman walks into a bar, shows 2 fingers and says "5 beers please".

Stolen from Facebook

Did you hear about the girl who sawed herself in half for the talent show?

She placed 1st and 2nd.

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Husband: Babe, studies show that having sex is the same as running 10 kilometres

Wife: Bullshit, who runs 10 kilometres in 30 seconds?

Have you heard the joke about the dictionary stage show?

It's a play on words.

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The Wife was watching a cookery show I said"What you watching that for you can't cook?"

She said "so? You watch porn"

I met a girl at a club the other night & she told me she'd show me a good time.

When we got outside, she ran a 40 yard dash in 4.8 seconds.

There are so many shows of flat-earthers trying to find the edge of the earth

They'll be so disappointed when they realise that not of them end on cliff hangers

Why didn't a motorbike go to a car show?

It was two tired.

A man walks into a bar and sits down He asks the barkeep "If I can show you something you have never seen before, can I drink here for free tonight?"

The barkeep thinks about it and says "well I have seen a lot of stuff, if you can genuinely show me something I have not seen before, I will pick up your tab tonight".

So the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a minature piano and sets it on the bar, then he reaches into his other pock...

A man walks into a bar. The bartender greets him and says, For 5 bucks, I’ll show you something amazing...

The man agrees and hands over his 5 bucks.

The bartender pulls out a small piano and a guy who is only about a foot tall. The guy sits down and plays an amazing tune on the piano.

“Wow he’s amazing. Where did you get him!?!”

He bartender replied, “There is a genie on the corner,...

Two priests step into the communal shower, when they notice there's no soap. One says, "I'll go to my room and get two bars." He runs naked to the room, grabs the bars, but as he's running back, three nuns show up. Not knowing what else to do, he freezes like a statue...

The nuns look at the statue and say, "Such a beautiful figure, perfectly shaped!"

One of them, admiring its "toy soldier" decides do pull it.

The priest's reaction to the enormous pain makes him drop one of the soap bars, but he holds his pose.

The nun conclude then, that it's n...

Read in "Playboy", told by CC, herself, on "the Tonight Show"

Cindy Crawford and a crewman survive her yacht sinking and make their way to a deserted island. There's fresh water and plenty of fruit to eat, so they settle in to wait for rescue. A few weeks go by and Cindy's feeling a "need". She asks the crewman for help and he's happy to oblige.

This...

What's a pickle's favorite game show?

Dill or No Dill,
hosted by Howie Mandill.

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A man walks in to a bar with a box under his arm and says to the barman, “If I can show something you have never seen before will you give me a free drink?”

Now the barman has seen mostly everything in his time and says, “Sure, impress me and hell, I’ll give you a free tab for the eve!” So the man puts down the box and opens it and then he pulls a small piano out of it and places it on the bar and then a little man as well. The little man walks up to ...

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My porn star friend passed away the other day and as a show of respect, we scattered his ashes...

...all over his wife's face.

Every New Year's Eve, I look forward to a good show at Time's Square

...and year after year, they drop the ball

My 5 year old son Dexter just found out that there's a show called "Dexter". Time to have that talk I've always dreaded...

"Son, don't watch the last two season."

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A big city doctor visits an Native American tribe full of men and he asks "How do you guys relieve your sexual tension?"

"Simple, just come down to the river tomorrow and we'll show you." The next day the doctor shows up and sees a group of men near a donkey. One man says "Since you're our guest you get to go first." The doctor not wanting to go against custom starts to kiss, then proceeds to have sex with the donkey....

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Girl: Show Me Your tattoss

Girl: Show me your tattoos

Guy: First, show me your tits

Girl: Why?

Guy: Tit for tatt

If there was a show on 9/11, I would not watch it.

After all, the pilot would crash and burn.

A new study shows that fertility is hereditary

If your parents didn't have any children, chances are you won't either.

A Make-a-Wish child wanted to know, if his favorite TV show was staged or real. The producers told him that he will need to wait for a little longer.

Now he's dying to know the truth.

Studies show that you can jump into lava.

Once.

What does a german say after you show them a meme?

Danke.

What does a UPS truck in a lake and a Magic Mike show have in common?

A lot of wet boxes.

I'm writing a TV show about 2 ears of corn that are cops

It's called Starchsky and Husk

What is a mathematician's favorite TV show?

Sine-feld.

A Brit, a Scandinavian and an American all entered their village fete's giant vegetable show.

The swede won.

I got this really cool Mickey Mouse watch. It shows the time very clearly.

The dial is really really handy.

Once upon a time a Mexican magician performed in a magic show.

He counted:

“Uno...”

“Dos...”

And disappeared without a trace.

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A survey shows that 85% of men masturbate in the shower. The remaining 15% sing. Do you know what they sing?

...No, I thought you probably didn't. ;)

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It took a lot of balls for my friend to go on the reality TV show “Embarrassing Bodies.”

Three actually.

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem, the captain's parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the magician did in every trick. Once he understood that, he started shouting in the middle of the show:


"Look, it's not the same hat!"


"Look, he's hiding the flowers unde...

Her: Who's your favourite Muppet Show character?

Me: The vampire

Her: That's Sesame Street – he doesn't count

Me: I can assure you that he does

With all of the shows such as Black-ish, Mixed-ish, and Grown-ish, TV executives have announced a new show about the people of an island in the North Atlantic.

They are going to call it Ir-ish.

Why did the blonde woman show up at the federal penitentiary and ask to have a conjugal visit with Jeffrey Epstein?

She heard that he was well hung.

Art Show

A man walked into the Lourve with a plastic clicking box.

He held it up to a renaissance portrait; the box didn't click at all. He moved on to the surrealist paintings—the plastic box clicked a little. Security got anxious.

Just as they were about to stop him he moved into an exhibitio...

A magician is doing well with his shows on a cruise ship until the Captain buys a parrot as the ships mascot.

From then on every night the magician does any of his tricks the parrot squawks out "He's got a card up his sleeve" or "he had the dove in his pocket" or "there were two pieces of string". Every night the parrot ruins his shows. One night the ship collides with something and all the alarms go off. L...

Whats an Anti-Vax's kid favorite tv show?

The walking dead

What did the epileptic kid say while watching the light show?

Bro I'm literally shaking right now

Two actors are practicing their lines for a show.

The first guy says: "How could you do this to me? I hate you!" The second says: "You're making me so angry I swear I'm going to PUNCH you!" The first says "That line sounds cheesy. It makes it seem like a children's show. Let's talk to the writers about it." So they go the the writers and explain th...

A recent study shows that 8 out of 9 people vaccinate their kids.

That's one asinine statistic.

What's the British government's favourite tv show?

Deal or no meal

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What is Gordon Ramsay’s favourite wrestling show?

It’s fucking RAW!

"Siri, show me a joke."

Sir I "sure"


Proceeds to open the selfie camera

What's a TV show you'll never see on reddit?

The OC.

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[NSFW] A study just released shows that 84 percent of all people admit to masturbating regularly.

Scientists are very encouraged. The 16 percent rate of lying is the lowest they have ever measured.

Can you imagine Netflix making a TV show about storming Area 51?

But then again, Stranger Things has happened

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Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy...

There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community...

If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.

The Jewish people met and picked an aged a...

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When Jane first met Tarzan in the jungle, she was instantly attracted to him and during her questions about his life, she asked him if he had ever had sex. "Tarzan not know sex." he replied. Jane explained to him what it was.

Tarzan said, "Ohhh...Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."

Horrified, Jane said, "Tarzan, you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly."

She took off her clothing and lay down on the ground.

"Here." she said, pointing to her privates, "You must put it in he...

I hate when my daughter tells that she feels embarassed when I show up in her workplace and check on her

But this is the only strip club in the town ..

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You show me your boobs and I’ll show you my tattoo.

Tit for Tat.

I invited my girlfriend to go to the gym with me and then I didn’t show up

I hope she gets the message that we’re not working out.

Some might doubt that TV shows inspired hundreds of thousands of people to raid Area 51 looking for supernatural beings

but I've seen stranger things

A PETA member was going to drive himself to a fashion show, but he changed his mind...

...when he found out they would show fur.

Why do actors say “break a leg” before a show?

Because it has to be supported by a strong cast.

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The latest research shows more money is now spent on boob jobs and Viagra than on Alzheimer’s research.

This means that by 2040, the elderly will all have perky tits and stiff cocks, but absolutely no idea why.

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A high school is having a talent show.

The first act is a girl trying to tie a knot with a cherry stem in her mouth. She tries and tries, but she just cant do it.

A guy from the audience yells out, "Hey, maybe you should practice with my dick!" Most of the audience laughs.

The girl requests a microphone and a nearby teacher...

What’s a road worker’s favourite TV show?

Game of Cones

A man dies and finds himself in an elevator

He did expect a light at the end of the tunnel and all that, but he decides to see where things are going. Pretty soon, the destination of his elevator-ride is showing up on the display: "Hell"

"Well", the man thinks, "I've had a good life. Fair's fair I guess."

The elevator opens an...

A study done by me shows that 74% of people are bad at mathematics.

Fortunately, I'm in the remaining 34%.

A pompous student is taking a college course but never shows up to class. on the day of exams...

On the day of exams the student comes in and starts writing his essay with the rest as if he’s been there the whole time. The professor sees this and thinks how weird it is that the kid is taking the exam without going to the classes. Anyways the time is nearing the end and the professor announces t...

The Queer eye producers want to to run a spinoff show with the singer P!nk

But pink eye for the straight guy never really took off

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[nsfw] When HBO launches a show they trademark all the possible porn names. They now own...

“Game of bones”, “Dothraki Bukaki”, “Ass High in the shadow” and of course “Two Cleganes one Bowl”

Heisenberg is driving to a convention to show off his new Uncertainty Principle

On the way he observes the speedometer, and finds himself lost.

How do people from the Jersey Shore show their condolences?

They send their thots and players

A game show for knives:

Will they make the cut?

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A new monk shows up at a monastery where the monks spend their time making copies of ancient books.

The new monk goes to the basement of the monastery saying he wants to make copies of the originals rather than of others' copies so as to avoid duplicating errors they might have made.
Several hours later the monks, wondering where their new friend is, find him crying in the basement.
They a...

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Whose idea was it to show a bunch of naked butts in the new Ghostbusters movie?

Rick Moranis

*shows pictures of different brands of stereos that are black

Damn, that's a lot black stereo types.

Our marriage councilor said I need to show my wife more appreciation for the things she does.

So this morning I slipped her a twenty and said “this is for last night”.

I don’t understand.

I went to a hypnotist show last night.

And i really felt sorry for him. He hypnotized 7 guys, then he dropped his mic on his foot and yelled "FU*K ME".

Activists Sued for Copyright Violation after portraying Trump as Jafar in Aladdin Stage Show.

Judge says Pantomime to Tyrancy was Tantamount to Piracy.

I performed a magic show for my aunt who was in a coma.

Needless to say, she was speechless.

A man and his wife attends an air show

The man sees a small aeroplane with an open roof and beautiful aesthetics. On a sign beside the plane wrote "100 dollars for a flight per person"
The man asked his wife "can we take a flight? It is my dream to take a flight in this beautiful plane."
His wife said "No, 200 dollars is too much ...

How come when NASA shows pictures of their black hole, it’s “breaking news”

But when I show pictures of mine it’s an “HR violation”

My dentist has a TV on the ceiling so the patient can watch shows while he works

Netflix and Drill

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I called in a psychic radio show while I was taking a ride in a hot air balloon.

Psychic: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air.

Me: Holy shit, how did you know??

A man goes to heaven and is greeted by an angel who shows him around the place

"Over there is a local restaurant, it's guaranteed to have your favorite meal there" said the angel

"And over there is a theater, and to the left, there's a swimming pool"

The angel soon finishes the tour and finds that the man is overjoyed.

The angel had one more thing to say t...

Every girl I take home instantly sounds like an angry old man when I show them my house.

"Bloody kids"

They say an 80s D&D TV show couldn't work on a modern internet streaming platform

But Stranger Things has happened.

Just learned that a dentist a block away from me was arrested for dealing drugs. Shows you how wrong you can be about people. I had been going to him him for over ten years.

Never knew he was a dentist.

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You guys know that feeling when you are thinking about someone and they just show up out of nowhere?

Well anyways my dad caught me masturbating

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I was watching this animal instructor show off this monkey. The monkey began acting up, and that's when shit hit the fan.

Even the janitor refused to clean up the mess...

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The winner of ‘best feline bottom in show’ was brutally killed last night. The award is thought to be the murder weapon.

It was a cat ass trophy.

A canibal shows up late to a dinner

He ended up getting the cold shoulder

What do you call Jesus at a fashion show?

A Cross Dresser.

What do Alabamans use to show their family tree?

A telephone pole. No branches

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My black friend said he doesn't watch the tv show "Friends," because it's racist.

How can it be racist though when it doesn't even have black people in it?!?

A recent study shows that a weird side effect of doing too much cocaine is really glossy skin.

Scientists are calling it the Charlie Sheen.

A man walks into a bar and says to the bartender: "If I show you something you've never seen before, can I drink for free?"

The bartender looks skeptical.

"Ive seen a lot of things bud, but sure, lets see what you got."

The man reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a very small piano and sets it on the bar. Then he takes out a man, about a foot tall, wearing a very fancy tuxedo and sets him on the bar ...

What would be a terrifying game show for flat-earthers?

Sphere Factor

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A recent study shows that 60% of people use their cellphones to cheat on their partners.

The remaining 40% prefer to use their penis.

When an instagram guy shows you a meme

Lol, I already reddit.

Studies show the average worker is productive for 2 hours in an 8 hour work day...

...I totally disagree, because it’s hard work trying to not get caught doing nothing by your boss.

After our radio station's accountant died in a parachuting accident, the program director told me to play some Tom Petty in rememberance after the obituary, as the accountant liked his music. However, when I did exactly that, he ended up putting my show off air. Dunno why.

Though maybe I shouldn't have played *Free Fallin'*...

Asked my date to meet me at the gym but she didn't show up...

Guess we are not gonna work out.

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