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"Okay Fred, Shaggy and Daphne, can you name an animal that lives in Africa and has a large horn on its face?" "Rhino!"

"We know you know the answer, Scooby, but it's not your turn!"

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A poor family lives on a farm and they rely on their chickens for income.

One morning, the father walks outside to find the chicken coop empty and the corpses of chickens on the ground.

"There’s nothing that could help get us out of poverty now," says the dad as he shoots himself.

The mom walks outside and sees the dad and the chickens on the ground.

...

A mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl as a roommate.

During his meal, his mother couldn't help but notice
how pretty his roommate was. She had long been
suspicious of a relationship between the two and this
had only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening while watching the
two interact, she started to wonder if there's mo...

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Two 90-year-old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.

When it’s clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day.

One day Mike says,

“Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played football on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there’s football...

North Koreans believe they live in the best country in the world because they’re brainwashed by the government and the media.

When every American knows that America is the best country in the world.

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Once there lived a horny man (NSFW)

There was once a horny man, who always wanted to suck the Queen's tits. He kept fantasizing, but he knew that he could never do it. He got a friend who was in the King's Palace, so he decided to ask him for help. The Friend agreed to help the horny man to fulfill his dream, but the horny man should ...

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There lived a King who had a beautiful wife.. (NSFW)

On an important occasion, he had to leave his kingdom to meet another king! Since his wife was young and beautiful, he was worried that he may cheat on him with someone in his palace. So before leaving the kingdom, he slathered poison on his wife's tits.


The King returned after a couple o...

There was an old man who lived by a forest

As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting.

He said, “Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it’s completely gone now. My hair can’t be saved. But look outside at the...

Why did Bilbo Baggins live so long?

Because old hobbits die hard.

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Three men, aged 40, 60 and 80, discuss their sex lives

The 40-year old says: "When my wife and I were just married, we'd do it every single day. Any position you could imagine. But now I'm lucky if we can average once a week".

The 60-year old man responds: "Once a week? Just wait till you get to my age. Once a month is what I consider an active s...

A woman wanted to know how her husband would react if she left him. She wrote him a letter saying she is tired of him and didn't want to live with him anymore. She put it on the table in the bedroom and then climbed under the bed to hide until her husband got home.

When he eventually came back home, he saw the letter on the table and read it. After a few moments of silence, he picked up the pen and added something to the letter. Then he started to get changed, whistling happy tunes and singing and dancing while he did so. He grabbed his phone and dialed a numb...

Jack, a renown atheist, dies and to his utter surprise ends up in hell where he's greeted by Satan himself. Completely shocked he talks to the devil and says: "Welp, I've been wrong all my life and I guess I'm now to pay the price for my lack of faith". Satan laughs and replies: Awh it's not so bad.

He then proceeds to escort Jack through a beautiful lush green plain with flowers, scattered here and there there's a bunch of houses where other "damned" live. As they pass through each house the inhabitants recognize Satan and invite them inside for a drink and a chat, a request that's always gran...

Once upon a time, in a magical fantasy kingdom, there lived a young monk named Sam.

His order was renowned for their beautiful choral singing. They trained, hours every day, refining their voices and their art. Their song floated down the mountainside, enriching the lives and souls of the townspeople below.

Sam was particularly gifted, and on his 19th birthday, in mid-song, ...

The All Lives Matter crowd is extremely upset.

To learn that All Votes Matter.

Jesu‌‌s onc‌‌e sai‌‌d "H‌‌e wh‌‌o live‌‌s b‌‌y th‌‌e sword‌‌, wil‌‌l di‌‌e b‌‌y th‌‌e sword"

H‌‌e wa‌‌s ‌‌a carpente‌‌r tha‌‌t die‌‌d b‌‌y bein‌‌g naile‌‌d t‌‌o ‌‌a piec‌‌e o‌‌f wood‌‌, s‌‌o h‌‌e migh‌‌t hav‌‌e ha‌‌d ‌‌a point.

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Will I Live to see 80?

Will I Live to see 80?

Here's something to think about.

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, He
said I was doing fairly well for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I could not resist asking him, 'Do you think ...

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A Jewish man sends his son to Israel to live there for a while . . .

A Jewish man sends his son to Israel to live there for a while. Eventually he returns hoem and he's now a Christian. The man finds this to be odd and mentions it to his friend.

The friend listens,thinks for a moment and says,‟That's odd. I sent my son to Israel as a Jew and he returned as a...

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A Jew living in the Soviet Union applies for an exit visa so he could emigrate to Israel.

As a result, he is summoned to the KGB headquarters.

“I see that you applied to move to Israel?” asks the KGB officer. The Jewish man nods.

“Here in the USSR, don’t you have food to eat?”

“Yeah, I can’t complain.”

“And here in the USSR, don’t you have place to live?”
<...

If Darth Vader lived in America, where would he live?

The Empire State Building

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There was an American man who lived in Thailand and when he was there he had a lot of sex and never used a condom the entire time.

Then he returned to America and one morning he woke up and noticed bright green and purple dots on his penis

Freaked out, he went to the doctor. The doctor said "I have never seen anything like this before. We will need to run some tests." So they ran some tests and he said come back in 3 day...

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A sex addict, an alcoholic and a pot head die and arrive at the gates of heaven.

Jesus is standing there looking at them sternly he says, " I stand at these gates to judge the souls that have passed on. If you do not deserve to enter heaven then you will be cast to the fire filled depths of hell where you will spend all eternity in agony."

The three sinners knowing the l...

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Two Italian men are having a lively talk on a bus...

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one last time."

A church lady behind them is crimson red and beside herself. "You two need Jesus! How dare you say such shameless filth? ...

Everyone asks me why I eat like I got out of prison. I explain them that in a family with 5 siblings it's a race to the snacks like lives depend on it.

Also I've spent 9 years in prison.

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Three woman we’re gossiping about their sex lives

'I noticed some time ago', said the first one about her boyfriend, 'that Tom's balls are cold while giving him a bj'.

'That's funny,' says the second one. 'I noticed the same thing with Peter's balls!'

The third one says: 'I never really paid attention to that. I'm gonna try it out wit...

Why do people ask if you like live music.

Of course I like live music, dead music has body but it doesn't have soul...

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Farmer John and his wife Mary lived on a big piece of land in the middle of Ohio.

They did pretty well for themselves, but as all affluent farmers will know, farming is not easy money. After a few years of living together and working very hard, their marriage started to fall apart. Being just as determined to keep their marriage together as they were to keep their farm running, t...

My Grandad lived to one hundred and one...

At his hundredth birthday party, he was asked "what's the secret to such a long life?"


He replied "with every meal I take a couple of drops of nitroglycerin. I think that's what's been keeping me going all these years."


He passed away a few years ago; he left behind 2 child...

A woman who lived next door to a preacher was puzzled by his personality change.At home he was shy, quiet and retiring, but in the church he was a real fire orator, rousing the masses in the name of God. It was as if he were two different people.

One day she asked him about the dramatic transformation that came over him when he preached.

“Ah,” he said, “That’s my altar ego.”

Call me a racist if you want, but south of the border is a sea of violence, corruption and stupidity I wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole.

Thank god I live in Canada

In college, I used to live on a houseboat, and started dating the girl next door.

Eventually we drifted apart.

So I'm reading a book about a movie star that was born a woman but then comes out as identifying as male, but no one gets upset or judgemental about it, they just accept it and get on with their lives. It's a good book...

It's a real page turner

Donkey Lives Matter

Two terrorists having discussion in a bar. The waiter asks them what the discussion was about? Terrorist :- We are planning to kill 14 thousand people and a donkey.. Waiter :- Why a donkey? Then one terrorist says to the other, "See I told you nobody will care about the 14 thousand people".

Once there was an inflatable boy who lived in an inflatable house with his inflatable parents.

Every morning when the inflatable alarm rang, he would leap out of his inflatable bed and into the inflatable shower, then when he was dressed he would go and sit at the inflatable table in the kitchen to eat his inflatable breakfast, and then run off and catch the inflatable bus to his inflatable s...

I live every day like it is my last.

Lying in bed consuming morphine while my family cries.

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A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich...

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich. The barman looks at him and says… “Hang on! You're a duck!”

"I see your eyes are working.” replies the duck.

"And you can talk!!” exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working, too.” says the duck. "Now if...

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A Woman goes to buy a Parrot. The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks why the last one is so cheap?

A Woman goes to buy a Parrot. The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks why the last one is so cheap?

"Because he used to live in a brothel" says the shopkeeper. She pays $15.

When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs.

When her daughters g...

Vladimir Putin has boasted that Russia is planning to build a base on the moon. The idea is that astronauts will live there permanently. When they were asked if they really wanted to spend the rest of their lives in a barren, lifeless, empty landscape, the Russians said...

"No. That's why we want to go to the moon."

If the green man lives in the green house, the yellow man lives in the Yellow house and the blue man lives in the blue house, who lives in the white house?

An orange man who doesn't want to leave

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A night after tricks, three hookers who lived together were sitting around having coffee and discussing the tricks from the night before

The first one said " I had a fireman the night before and the other two said "How could you tell?" and she replies "That's easy ... his hose was over his shoulder and he smelt like like smoke." The second one said "I had a policeman ... "The other two said "How could you tell?" and she replies "He p...

The doctor gave me two weeks to live

But I could not pay the bill so he gave me 2 more

I live my life the same as someone riding a dolphin

On porpose

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A Russian lady married an English gentleman and they lived in London .

She was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.

One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, so, in desperation, clucked l...

I asked my friend what it’s like to live in North Korea

He said « Can’t complain »

Patient: Give it to me straight doctor, how long do I have to live?

Doctor: Oh, no your disease is completely curable. You’re going to live.

Patient: yeah, but how long do I have to?

Erik the Red wanted people to come and live in his new found ice covered land

so he named it Greenland.

A man and his wife were sitting in the living room discussing a "Living Will"

Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all the beer

Doctor - "You have 3 months to live"

Me - "Well can I at least choose which months?'

If we really do live in a simulation, I think I know how they programmed global warming.

They most likely used an "Al-Gore-Ithm"

I’m tired of hearing men talk about how women make their lives more difficult. Just think about where men would be without women...

Still in the Garden of Eden.

Long live the chocolates

A boy was in a train eating chocolates. Then he took another one. The man next to him said ,

"Do u know this will damage your teeth?"

The boy replied ,"My grandfather lived 135 years."

The man asked,"Was it because of eating chocolates?

The boy said,"No he was always mi...

An American, an Indian, and a Russian got in Hell..

An American, an Indian, and a Russian got in Hell and plead to the Devil that they don’t belong here. The Devil, bored, makes them an offer: ‟I’ll strike you 3 times with my whip, and if you survive, I’ll let you go. You can use anything you want as a shield”.

The American goes first. He buil...

Hi, I'm a goldfish! Let me share the story of what it is like to live in a bowl all your life!

But give me a moment, okay? I completely forgot what I was going to tell you.

I told my mother I lost my will to live...

She then proceeded to find it beneath a sofa cushion.

Joe Biden and Donald Trump are standing in front of a large crowd.

As they are waving to everyone, Biden leans towards Trump saying,

“Did you know, that with one little wave of my hand, I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? Also, this joy will not be merely a momentary display, like that of your followers, but will go deep into their hearts...

What’s a washing machine’s favorite state to live in?

Washington

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Guy goes to a therapist. He says, "Doc, I live in constant fear that I'm a grain of corn and there's a giant chicken out there who wants to eat me."

Doctor says, "That's obviously absurd."

The doctor works with the man over the course of three years to finally convince him that he's not a grain of corn that a giant chicken wants to eat.

Finally cured, the man leaves. He's back the next day. The doctor says, "Why are you back."
...

San Francisco, Manhattan, Chicago and Miami were having a lively conversation until St. Louis passed by, looking depressed.

Chicago said, "why are you so sad?"
St. Louis replied, "I'm always in a state of Missouri."

Ok - I finally understand my life.

On the first day, God created the dog and said, ‟Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.”The dog said, ‟That’s a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I will give you back the other ...

Don't let corona virus dominate you, don't let it take over your lives, I know there is a risk, I know there is a danger

but that's okay, now *I'm* better



*quick note: that's not a joke that's literally what he just said*

My doctor said I only have 6 months left to live...

I killed him and now the judge says I have 50 years!

What is brown, hairy, lives in the desert, has four legs, two humps, and is full of cement?

A camel - I put in the cement just to make it harder.

A man went to the hospital to visit his mother-in-law, who was in serious condition. On the way back the wife, very worried, asks: "So, honey? How's my mom doing?"

He replies: "She looks great! She is in good health! She will still live for many years! Next week she will be released from the hospital and will come and live with us, forever!"
"Wow that's amazing!" - says the wife - "But this is very strange, dear... yesterday she seemed to be on her deathb...

I was driving with my dad when we passed a cemetery. My dad goes in a low, dark, creepy voice, "I know something about this cemetery that you don’t.” And I was like what is it? He continued, "The people living in this town can’t be buried here.” I was really confused so I asked why?

He rasped, "Cuz they’re still alive!"

Where do werewolves live?

Warehouses

What do you call a businessman who lives within the Byzantine Empire?

A Byz-nessman.

In a farm in rural England, there lived a farmer with a strict attitude towards his daughter's love life.

One morning, the farmer's daughter is out in the field in front of the house, milking a cow.

The farmer looks out of the window - and happens to see a soldier walking down the road. This perturbs him, so he walks out into the field, and shouts to his daughter to come inside because "you know...

People in China have the best lives

After all, they can’t complain!

Three brothers aged 92, 94, and 96, live in a house together.

One night the 96 year old draws a bath, puts his foot in and pauses. He yells down the stairs, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"

The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know, I'll come up and see." He starts up the stairs and pauses, then he yells, "Was I going up the stairs or coming down?...

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A priest, an atheist, and a monk walk into a bar.

~~A Catholic priest, a Buddhist monk, and an atheist walk into a restaurant~~

~~A Catholic priest, a Buddhist monk, and an atheist walk into a restaurant.~~

After they put in their orders, the three strike up a conversation about what they believe awaits them in the afterlife.

T...

An angel appears in a puff of smoke to a man and says to him, "Because you have lived a good and virtuous life, I can offer you a gift: you can be the most handsome man in the world, or you can have infinite wisdom, or you can have limitless wealth." Reflecting, the man says, "I'll take the wisdom"

"Wisdom is yours," says the angel, disappearing in another puff. The smoke is barely clear before the man thinks, "I should have taken the money."

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I want to live my next life backwards

You start out dead and get that out of the way.

Then you wake up in an old age home feeling better every day.

Then you get kicked out for being too healthy. Enjoy your retirement and collect your pension.

Then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.

Y...

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An English man meets a Chinese woman in his travels...

They fall in love and live a happy life in England. The woman, however cannot speak in English and has to have her husband translate for her. One day, the man was rather busy and asked his wife to make duck breast. She goes to the butcher but then realizes she doesn’t know how to tell him what she w...

The inventor of the crossword puzzle lives near me.

Street's three across and two down.

My fortune teller is such a fraud, said my dad would live a long life but he died at 51

I wish my dad could live longer like our chef who completed 73 years yesterday.

Being a doctor and a married man with kids, it feels like I'm living two lives.

In one life there's medicine, scarring images and long, painful hours.

And in the other life I'm a doctor.

Sven and Ole are two fictional swedish immigrants who live in Minnesota. They are characters used in jokes. I heard this one from my dad.

Sven is vacationing at his cabin in northern Minnesota and happens to get in line at a Dairy Queen.

An indian (native american) man approaches him and makes a proposition.

Indian Man: Hey I have a deal for you. I will ask you a riddle. If you can answer it I will buy you an ice cream, ...

Why Parents Drink

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed
was nicely made and everything was picked up.
Then he saw an Envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.'

With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and...

Since vampires are hurt by holy water, I always wondered why Priests don’t bless storm clouds and kill them from above. Then I realized why most vampires live in Europe

Someone already blessed the rains down in Africa

A farmer was fed up with drivers speeding down the road where he lived, so he asked the police to put up a sign...

They put up a "Slow down, speed limit" sign - with no effect. Then, "Danger, road hazard!" sign was put up, but had no effect, either. Then the police tried a sign stating "Children crossing" - and still nobody slowed down.


Finally, the farmer asked the police if he could put up his own ...

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A farmer wakes up to find that his favourite goat has died.

Since he loved that goat very deeply, he decided to jump into the river by his house and commit suicide. Soon after, his wife woke up, and after discovering what had happened, she too followed in his steps and jumped into the river.

Their younger son woke up to find both of his parents dead,...

Why do 9 ants get to live in an apartment for free?

Because they’re not tenants

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A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon a genie's lamp. She picked it up and rubbed it, and lo-and-behold a genie appeared. The genie said, "I can only grant you one wish. So ... what will it be?"

The young woman pulled out a map of the middle east from her back pack. "See these countries, Egypt, Syria, Lebanon, Iran, Iraq, Palestine and Israel etc. Well I want them all to live in peace" she said. The Genie studied the map. "WTF lady, they've been fighting each other for hundreds of years, th...

They say you “live and learn”...

...have you seen the people at a Walmart lately? Only thing they’ve learned is multiple wrong ways to wear the mask

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A fellow stuck in a coronavirus outbreak, prayed to God for help.

Soon the head of the WHO came by. He said “Try social distancing! It can save you!”

The fellow shouted back, "No, it's OK, I'm praying to God and he is going to save me.” So the head of the WHO went on.

Then Dr. Fauci came by and told the man “Wear a mask! It can save you!”

The ...

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A man walks into a bar he's never visited before, and settles down to order a drink.

Before long, he notices someone sitting in the corner - a man who appears normal in every regard except that his head is a gigantic orange. Curious, the newcomer asks the bartender "What's up with the guy in the corner? The one with the-" but the bartender interrupts and says "Honestly, your best be...

Whenever I eat eggs benedict it reminds me of the time I lived in the Netherlands...

Those were my Holland days...

I'm 45 and I can't get school shooting jokes even though I have lived in America my entire life

I asked my friend and he said it's probably because they are aimed at a younger audience

A man lives in a largely democratic neighborhood

He starts hanging up a “Trump 2020” sign. All of his neighbors see it, and tear it down. He puts up a new one. They tear it down. After he puts a third “Trump 2020” sign up, his neighbors approach him.

“Why are you hanging up a Trump sign? We always though you liked Biden!”

“I do” repl...

Why can't a man living in New York be buried in Chicago

Because he's still alive

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A man returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours to live. Given this prognosis, the man asks his wife for sex, so naturally, she agrees and they make love. About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says...

"Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?"


Of course, the wife agrees and they do it again.

Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left.

He touches his wife shoulder and a...

I was watching a live performance when the floor gave way and one of the actors fell through. My wife asked if I thought they were ok.

I said I’m sure they’re fine, it’s just a stage they’re going through.

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