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Axe Jokes

One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river.

When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?"

The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water, and he needed the axe to make his living.

The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.

The ...
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I spent two hours looking for my axe.

And then it hit me.
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I came home to find an axe buried in my pc

I think it has been hacked
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How can you tell that an axe thrower loves his assistant?

He misses her!
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How do you get an axe out of an egg?

You hatchet!
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Me: "Can I axe you to make it quick?"

Executioner: "You realize this is why we're doing this, right?"
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I saw a guy today with soot all over his face carrying a large pick axe and wearing a royal blue hardhat that matched his overalls.

But these are just miner details.
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What do you call a deaf and blind axe murderer?

Helen Killer
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Did you hear about the axe that could cut trees instantly ?

It’s cutting hedge technology
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A Lumberjack is about to Swing his axe right at a tree until he hears a noise

"Stop! Please don't kill me, I'm a talking tree!"
The Lumberjack stops, and says
"And you will Dialogue"
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Axe should make a deodorant called "English."

Then if you wear it you can say you have an "English Axe scent."
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What does an academic dwarf call his axes?

x and y.
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I have an axe owned by George Washington.

My great, great, great grandfather had to replace the handle. And my great grandfather had to replace the blade.

But it is a treasured heirloom.
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I once tried to kill a spider with axe bodyspray

but he survived and now wont shut the fuck up about crossfit

An old man applies for a job as a woodcutter,

but the boss doesn't think he's fit enough. He tells the boss he is able to cut down any tree in a single swing.

To prove this, he goes outside, hits a five foot tree with his axe, and it falls over. The boss is impressed. The old man then repeats this with a ten foot tree. Then a thirty foot...
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I accidently sprayed deodorant in my mouth today

Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent
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I made an awful joke about an axe and no one laughed...

It wasn't very cleaver.
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What did the axe murderer say when he was in a hurry?

Chop chop.
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I had an axe that once belonged to Abraham Lincoln...

The head was replaced once and the handle twice but I got documented proof it belong to Abraham Lincoln.
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Son: "What's that Daddy?" (*pointing at Mummy getting out of the shower*)...

Daddy: "That's where mummy was hit by an axe, that's her axe wound."

Son: "Wow, bloody good shot, got her right in the cunt."

What do you call a man with an axe over his head?

Sort of Damocles
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What is the best weapon against someone with bad hygiene?

Axe.
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Wrote my second joke ever, would like some feedback

Three lumberjacks; Sam, Dave, and Ben; are felling trees when a bear approaches them. Sam says "stay back or we'll kill you with our axes!" The bear responds, "woah! I'm a proud vegetarian. I just wanted to offer you all a nicely cooked dinner since you've all been working so hard and are probably h...
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A large and powerful kingdom conquered their wealthy neighbor only to discover its treasure was all hidden away.

Only the count from the conquered kingdom knew where the gold was hidden but he refused to tell.

The conquerors took him to the dungeon, placed his head on the chopping block, and told him:

“This is your last chance! Tell us where the gold is or off comes your head!”

Beads of s...
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I think hanging people is a poor choice of professions for an executioner. Better to be the guy with an axe.

Because, with the axe, it’s easier to get ahead...
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Today, someone told me that, in the next Avengers movie, the Thor Hammer was replaced with a Thor Axe.

My first thought was “What kind of lame weapon is an insect abdomen?”
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I got struck by a golden axe

Au!
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TIFU by trying to kill a spider with axe body spray.

Now his name is chad and he's fucking all the girl spiders in my house.

An Irish Lumberjack

A large Canadian lumber camp advertised that they were looking for a good Lumberjack. The very next day, a skinny Irishman showed up at the camp with his axe, and knocked on the Foreman's door.

The Foreman took one look at the small Irishman and told him to leave. "Just give me a chan...
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What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?

Cutting your toe off with an axe
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Some American psycho killed a woman with an axe, but his church pals paid $100.000 and he got released

Indeed, it was a Christian bail
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A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead were being chased by an axe-murderer...

when they stumbled upon an old abandoned warehouse. Deciding that it was the safest place to hide, the three women entered the warehouse.

Along the back wall of the warehouse were three empty potato sacks laying on the ground. Thinking on their feet, each women got into a sack to hide from c...
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The phone rings at the local police station. “Hello? I’m calling to report my neighbor, Craig. He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood!”

“Thank you very much for the call, sir.”

The next day, policemen descend on the neighbor’s house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept.

Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swear at the neighbors and leave.

The phone rings at ...
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An African Lumberjack

An African lumberjack is interviewing for a job at a major logging company. The foreman decides to take a practical route and hands the lumberjack an axe.

"Take a couple swings at that tree over there." The foreman said.

The lumberjack walks over to the tree and fells it in a single ch...
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I killed a dentist with an axe but only got charged with manslaughter.

My lawyer said it was an axe-a-dental death.
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I was disappointed when it turned out the axe I bought to climb with was useless for the job...

it was an anti-climb axe
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Why did Thor throw his axe at Thanos's chest, instead of cutting off the hand with the gauntlet?

Because he was going for the kill shot instead of disarming him.
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Does anyone know how long it takes until Axe Body Spray starts getting you laid?

Ive been drinking this stuff for weeks now...
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AXE products claim if you smell good, women will be all over you, but that can't be right

I've never had any problems with my nose and I'm still single.
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My friend got arrested for saying he was an axe murderer.

Turns out he's just a really bad guitarist.
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How to impress women

A guy walks into a bar carrying a couple of axes and orders a beer. "What've ya got there?" the bartender asks. "Oh, these are some of my new axes I bought online," the guy says. "I order them in from countries overseas. I just love how they smell." "Well, that's all fine and good, I guess. But why ...
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Late at night a divorced man has a phone call from the police station.

They tell him that he should show up because his ex-wife was arrested. So the man goes to the police station and finds her ex-wife there with the police.

"Hey, what's wrong?" he says.

The police chief gestures to the ex-wife to explain it.

"Nothing," she says. "You know when we ...
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Friends are like trees

They fall down if you hit them enough times with an axe.
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How does a mathematician chop down a tree?

Axe-iomatically
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A 3-year-old is watching his mum get changed...

As she drops her knickers, he points at her crotch and asks: "Mum, what is that?!"

Panicking, the mother quips "Oh, that's... that's where god hit me with an axe..."

"Phwoar" Says the boy... "Right in the cunt!"

I will avenge the death of my brother! Who is with me?

Warrior: You have my axe!

Hunter: And my bow!

Necromancer: And your brother!
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A young son walks in on his mom in the bath

Looking at her vagina, he asks "mom, what is that?"

To protect his youthful innocence, she replies "that's where I was hit with an axe sweetie"

The son replies "Oh god, right on your cunt!"

They say Lizzie Borden didn’t plan on chopping up her parents, and it was a mercy killing.

She was known for her Random Axe of Kindness.
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The Hero: I'm on a quest to avenge the death of my Father!

The Paladin: You have my sword!

The Elf: And my bow!

The Dwarf: And my axe!

The Necromancer: And your father!
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When I was in the Army....

When I was in the Army, I had a sergeant once hand me an axe and he said "See this rope?" I said that I did, indeed, see the rope. He said "good, when I nod my head, I want you to hit it with the axe." he nodded his head and I did as I had been ordered to do.

And to this day I STILL don't kn...
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Turns out there are TWO Loch Ness Monsters. One of them is quite mean, but the other actually gives away his forestry tools.

A little weird, sure, but it's always nice to see some random axe of Kind Ness.
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How do you differentiate between a mathematician and a lumberjack?

By the way pronounce "axes".
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A friend guilt-tripped me into spending the Saturday helping out with various tasks on his property, even though I'd prefer to relax after a demanding week.

While chopping wood, I got careless with the axe and dented his car.

My friend suspected that since I was clearly annoyed with him, I'd dented the car on purpose.

But in my opinion, it should be obvious to everyone that it was an axy-dent.

King Henry VIII had six wives. He beheaded two of them.

Those were his axe wives.

(this joke is courtesy of my father)
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I worked in the woods as a lumberjack

I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn’t hack it, so they gave me the axe.
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A Lumberjack is out cutting wood with his son

A Lumberjack is out working and has brought his son along to show him what he does, as he hopes the son will inherit the business one day. The following conversation occurs.

Son: Why do you do what you do, Dad?

Lumberjack: Well son, this is our family business! I inherited it from your...
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A hitchhiker in the mountains

A guy is driving a serpentine road in Polish mountains. He sees a local waving at him to get a hitch, so he stops. The guy — a 2 metre tall, muscular guy pulls his ciupaga (shepherd’s axe) from his belt and growls:

— Masturbate!

The guy is confused, but he obliges and quickly completes...

My neighbor uses a wood stove, but lately he's had the flu and been too sick to chop his own wood. Do you think it would be a nice gesture to go chop some firewood for him?

Axeing for a friend.
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Little Johnny walks into the bathroom and sees his mom in the tub...

He points at her crotch and exclaims, "What's that!?"

She quickly says, "Oh that's where daddy hit me with the axe."

Johnny replies, "Pretty good shot, he got you right in the cunt."

Logjammin'

A lumberjack is applying for a job at a logging operation, and the foreman asks his qualifications.

"I'm the fastest lumberjack you ever saw. Set me loose in those woods with my axe and I'll lay down a thousand trees a day."

The foreman is incredulous. "That's impossible," he says. "An...
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Why is it so hard to understand middle schoolers in the locker room?

Because of their overwhelming axe-scents
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I have trouble keeping their jobs these days...

First I was working at a potato farm, but then I was sacked.

Next it was the tuna factory, but then I was canned.

Next I tried being a lumberjack, but then I got axed.

Next I found an opening at the crematorium, but then I was fired.

Next I screwed up at the gun manufactu...
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My Son asked me to explain how Government work

So I told him. They measure with a micrometer, mark with chalk and cut with Axe.
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What does the hero of Asgard have in common with most insects?

A Thor axe.
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I told the cute girl at the grocery store that I wanted to make her mine. Was all smiles and as happy as anything...

For some reason, she got mad when I gave her a pick axe and a helmet with a light on the front.
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Joe the Carpenter

Joe was a simple and serious man. He was a carpenter in a small village named Arge Oaks where he owned the store "Joe's Carpentry."

For years Joe impressed his fellow neighbors with the highest quality carpentry work. Some people in town complained he was a bit too expensive, but no one ever...
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Just as the Count was about to pounce on van Helsing, the door to the library was flung open.

Incontinently, a host of furious villagers stormed into the library, waving blazing torches and voicing dire threats. The Count turned to leap on them, then reeled back, repelled at the reek of garlic that wafted from them like a solid thing.

"Count Dracula!" cried the burgomaster, a solid ci...
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A Canadian logging company needed to hire another lumberjack.

The first guy to apply was a short little skinny fellow, who was laughed at by the manager and told to leave.

"Just give me a chance," the little guy pleaded.

"Okay," the manager replied, "Grab your axe and cut down that cedar over there."

Two minutes later he was back at the ma...
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Soviet joke: A regional Communist Party meeting is held to celebrate the anniversary of the Great October Socialist Revolution.

The Chairman gives a speech: “Dear comrades! Let’s look at the amazing achievements of our Party after the revolution.

For example, Maria here, who was she before the revolution? An illiterate peasant; she had but one dress and no shoes.

And now? She is an exemplary milkmaid known thr...

Teacher: When George Washington was a child, we hear how honest he was, admitting he cut down the cherry tree. His father immediately forgave him. Do you know why?



Student: Yes, because Washington was still holding the axe.
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A terrorist group decides to hold a public castration of three villagers.

They ask to the first villager for his occupation. When he says that he's a woodsman they castrate him with an axe.

Then they ask to the second villager. Frightened, he says that he's a farmer. They castrate him with a sickle.

When the turn comes to the third villager they see that he ...

Crude Dental Work (In Australian)

Man on island, has bad tooth. Needs tooth removed. Friend with an axe is like, I know what to do mate. Uses axe to try to remove tooth but unintentionally knocks out all his teeth. First guy is like, Ouch-aroo mate, that is a 10/10 on the pain scale. Axe guy says, 'Hey man, it was Axe-y Dental'
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There are 2 lumberjacks.

One hits the tree with an axe, and the other uses a saw to finish the job.

The one with the axe took down a tree by himself and said, "Could you see yourself cutting down a tree like that?"

The other man said, "No, I saw."
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I think I just got fired from my new job.

I thought I'd make a great lumberjack, but the boss just gave me the axe.
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At a hospital

Mother : "holding a newborn child" you have my eyes

Father : and my smile

Aragorn : you have my sword

Legolas : and you have my bow

Gimli : and my axe

Nurse : can we get security in here please , they are back again
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my daughter made this gem up: what is the most popular console with the vikings?

the axe-box
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What is Ant-Man's secret weapon?

His Thor Axe
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Three little boys were bragging about their dads

The first boy says "My dad's a fireman! He's so fast, he can throw his axe and run and catch it before it lands."

Second boy says "Oh, yeah? Well, my daddy is a police man. He's so fast, he can fire his gun and outrun the bullet!"

Third boy says "That's nothing. MY daddy works for th...
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I met an old friend yesterday

He moved a couple of years back and I could clearly tell he had changed. His voice had changed and he had a cheap deodorant. He used to allways wear those expensive collones. We were talking for a good while, life in general and how we were doing, but the entire conversation I couldn't wrap my head ...
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The big game hunter walked into the bar and bragged to everyone about his hunting skills. Being a good shot, no one could argue with him.

But then he said that they could blindfold him and he would recognize any animal's skin from its feel, and if he could locate the bullet hole, he would even tell them what calibre the bullet was that killed the animal.

He said that he was willing to prove it if they would pay for the drinks a...
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What's the best life hack?

An axe
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Elon Musk has launched a new cologne!

Space-Axe Body Spray™
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The Hunter.

There was a big game hunter in a bar in Africa. He was on a safari vacation with his wife. He was very good as a hunter.

While in the bar, he boasted that he could tell any animal and how it was killed by the feel of the pelt and the bullet hole. And he could do it blindfolded.

Of co...
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How do you get a clown off a swing set?

Hit him in the face with an axe.
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