I spent two hours looking for my axe.

And then it hit me.

My friend got arrested for saying he was an axe murderer.

Turns out he's just a really bad guitarist.

"Son, where did you learn to use an axe like that?"

"In the Sahara Forest"

"Don't you mean the Sahara Desert"

"Well sir, that's what they call it now"

Why did Thor throw his axe at Thanos's chest, instead of cutting off the hand with the gauntlet?

Because he was going for the kill shot instead of disarming him.

Just tried to kill a roach with Axe body spray.

Now it’s name is Brett, and he won’t shut up about CrossFit.

I killed a dentist with an axe but only got charged with manslaughter.

My lawyer said it was an axe-a-dental death.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Son: "What's that Daddy?" (*pointing at Mummy getting out of the shower*)...

Daddy: "That's where mummy was hit by an axe, that's her axe wound."

Son: "Wow, bloody good shot, got her right in the cunt."

I saw a guy today with soot all over his face carrying a large pick axe and wearing a royal blue hardhat that matched his overalls.

But these are just miner details.

What does an academic dwarf call his axes?

x and y.

How Rednecks Get Things Done

"Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?"

"Yes. What can I do for you?"

"I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith. He's hidin' marijuana
inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but
he's hidin' it there."

"Thank you very much for ...

One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river.

When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?"

The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water, and he needed the axe to make his living.

The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.

The ...

My Dad once used Axe Black but

He never came back :'(

Does anyone know how long it takes until Axe Body Spray starts getting you laid?

Ive been drinking this stuff for weeks now...

I was disappointed when it turned out the axe I bought to climb with was useless for the job...

it was an anti-climb axe

I have an axe that was once owned by George Washington.

My great-great grandfather had to replace the handle. And my grandfather had to replace the blade, but it's Washington's axe.

AXE products claim if you smell good, women will be all over you, but that can't be right

I've never had any problems with my nose and I'm still single.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

TIFU by trying to kill a spider with axe body spray.

Now his name is chad and he's fucking all the girl spiders in my house.

Turns out there are TWO Loch Ness Monsters. One of them is quite mean, but the other actually gives away his forestry tools.

A little weird, sure, but it's always nice to see some random axe of Kind Ness.

I came home to find an axe buried in my pc

I think it has been hacked

I used to work as a lumberjack,

but I just couldn’t hack it, so they gave me the axe

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A young son walks in on his mom in the bath

Looking at her vagina, he asks "mom, what is that?"

To protect his youthful innocence, she replies "that's where I was hit with an axe sweetie"

The son replies "Oh god, right on your cunt!"

Gimli was going on a date last night, so I let him borrow my hair gel and my shaving foam.

And my Axe.

[LONG] A few lumberjacks were realxing around a campfire after a long days work...

They had cracked open a couple of beers and were telling stories of the biggest trees they've cleared, and how easily they fell after 9 or 10 swings of their axe.

The biggest, burliest man speaks up after a few men had spoken and says, "That's nothing. I can cut down trees twice the size of t...

Crude Dental Work (In Australian)

Man on island, has bad tooth. Needs tooth removed. Friend with an axe is like, I know what to do mate. Uses axe to try to remove tooth but unintentionally knocks out all his teeth. First guy is like, Ouch-aroo mate, that is a 10/10 on the pain scale. Axe guy says, 'Hey man, it was Axe-y Dental'

An African Lumberjack

An African lumberjack is interviewing for a job at a major logging company. The foreman decides to take a practical route and hands the lumberjack an axe.

"Take a couple swings at that tree over there." The foreman said.

The lumberjack walks over to the tree and fells it in a single ch...

Friends are like trees...

They fall down when you hit them multiple times with an axe.

Three little boys were bragging about their dads

The first boy says "My dad's a fireman! He's so fast, he can throw his axe and run and catch it before it lands."

Second boy says "Oh, yeah? Well, my daddy is a police man. He's so fast, he can fire his gun and outrun the bullet!"

Third boy says "That's nothing. MY daddy works for th...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

NSFW - a little boy walks into the bathroom while mum is in the bath...

"Mum, what's that between your legs?"

"Well darling, that's my axe wound, I got hit with an axe."

The little boy ponders this for a minute.

"What are the chances ? It hit you right in the cunt!"

The Chinese Workman

An Australian man comes to Oregon during the great gold rush knowing of a location where tons of gold has yet to be discovered. Keeping it as secretive as possible, he comes alone and needs to hire help as he arrives. He heads to the local bar where many of the miners spend their evenings. He has ma...

Whats the difference between being a lumberjack and other jobs?

You get the axe when you're hired.

I once threw a tomahawk at my dad's car

I once threw a tomahawk at my dad's car, leaving a nasty blemish in the passenger door.


My dad was OK with it, though, afterall... it was only an axe dent

What did Wolverine use to cut down trees before he got the adamantium treatment?

He used a huge axe, man.

Why did Thor not go for the head?

Because he was going for the Thor-Axe

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I saw a cockroach on my floor the other day ...

I saw a cockroach on my floor the other day ...

I went to spray Raid on him but accidentally grabbed a can of Axe body spray. Now his name is Chad and he won't shut up about crossfit.

A woodsman walks into the woods

He finds a nice tree to chop down, and upon taking his axe the tree cries out
"WAIT! IM A MAGICAL TALKING TREE, DONT CUT ME DOWN"
He said "You maybe a talking tree but you will dialouge."

Little Johnny's teacher asks, "George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it.

Do any of you know why his father didn't punish him?"

Little Johnny replies, "Because George was the one holding the axe?

There once was a noble who was accused of conspiracy against his country...

When brought before the court, he was given a chance to out the people he was conspiring with to spare himself, but the noble refused to give any information. After trying several times the court gave up, convicted him of conspiracy, and sentenced him to death by way of beheading on the chopping bl...

My douchebag nephew puts on loads of deodorant and I have a hard time understanding him.

He has too strong of an axe scent.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A recent scientific study revealed that women found different male attributes attractive depending on where they were in their menstrual cycle.

For example, a woman ovulating found men with rugged masculine features most attractive.
Whereas a woman menstruating preferred men doused in petrol, set on fire with scissors stuck in his eyes, an axe in his skull and a javelin stuck up his arse.

Lumberjack

A LARGE, well established, Canadian lumber camp advertised that they were looking for a good lumberjack.
The very next day, a skinny little guy showed up at the camp with his axe, and knocked on the head lumberjacks' door. The head lumberjack took one look at the little man and told him to s...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Carl woke up.

It was 1 hour before dawn again. He always woke up early these days.
Carl was a lone survivor. It had been 2 years 3 months and 5 days since the start and he was still going strong, he guessed he was just lucky.

He was down to his last bullet. Ammo had practically run dry about a year ...

How do you confuse a Polish labourer?

Lay down an axe and a shovel and tell him to take his pick.

There once was a man named Ivan who lived with his family in a Siberian forest...

After years of living in the harsh region, Ivan became rough, tough, hard to bluff, and extremely used to hardship.

He was large, muscular, and able to chop down a fully grown Siberian pine tree with one swing of his axe. This came in handy as Ivan had to chop down many trees to be used as fi...

Ninja Joke

Can a viking throw an axe?
Sure he can.
Can a cowboy throw a lasso?
Sure he can.
Can a ninja throw a spinning blade?
Shuriken.

A hunter walks into a bar

A big game hunter walked into a bar and was bragging to everyone about his hunting skills. He claimed that they could blindfold him and he would recognize any animal's skin from its feel, and if he could locate the bullet hole he would even tell them the calibre.

The other patrons thought he ...

What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?

Cutting your toe off with an axe

In an alternate universe, Aladdin stumbles upon the magic lamp

He picks it up, rubs it and out pops the genie. In this universe, however, the genie only grants you *one* wish and it’s from three pre-selected items of the genie. Aladdin, who obviously doesn’t know about the original story and therefor have no objections, happily accepts these ridiculous rules....

One fall, a farmer is cutting firewood

He spends all day cutting logs and splitting them and stacking them, and as he's winding down for the day he sees an elderly Indian watching him silently from over the fence. So he goes over and says "How?" and the Indian says "How. Gottum smoke?" and the farmer hands over a pouch of tobacco, and th...

A little collection of children's unintentional quick wittyness.

TEACHER : Maria, go to the map and find North America.

MARIA : Here it is.

TEACHER : Correct. Now class, who discovered America?

CLASS : Maria.
____________________________
TEACHER : John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?

JOHN : Yo...

Two boys are camping in the woods when one of them collapses

He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other boy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?"

The operator says, "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a brief silence when...

A foot model was on his way to a competition whilst walking through a forest...

...He passed by a lumberjack who accidentally let go of his axe and ended up dismembering one of the model's precious digits.

Thinking quickly the lumberjack bandaged up the model's foot with some nearby foliage and helped the model limp to his event.

When they got there the on site do...

Did you hear about the woodcutter who lost his job?

His boss gave him the axe.

You’re gonna die

I don’t usually remember what my dreams are about unless they're especially portentous. That means when you dream about something that's gonna happen.

Like one night, I had a dream where this crow came and said, “Your aunt is gonna die.” I was so scared I woke up my parents but they said it ...

A scrawny little fellow turned up at a lumber company looking for work.

'Just give me a chance to show you what I can do,' he said to the head lumberjack. 'All right,' said the boss. 'Take this axe and cut fired that oak tree.' Five minutes later the man was back. 'I've cut it down,' he says, 'and split it into lumber.' The boss couldn't believe his eyes. 'Where on eart...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A few limericks

I once had a girlfriend named Venus.
She swore nothing would come between us. ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Little Johnny walks into the bathroom and sees his mom in the tub...

He points at her crotch and exclaims, "What's that!?"

She quickly says, "Oh that's where daddy hit me with the axe."

Johnny replies, "Pretty good shot, he got you right in the cunt."

A carpenter, a tailor, a sailor, a priest and an economist were stranded on a desert island.

"I could chop down the trees and make a raft." Says the carpenter.
"I can stitch a few sheets into a mast."
Says the tailor.
"I can navigate the oceans with the help of the stars."
Says the sailor.
"I will pray for favourable winds and good luck."
Says the the priest.
All t...

The teacher asks Little Johnny - "Put the word 'schedule' in a sentence"

'In the shed you'll find an axe'

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Little Johnny is taking a shower with his mother...

He looks up and points to her privates and says, "What's that?" She's trying to come up with something, and she says, "Well, yesterday your father and I got into an argument, and that's where he hit me with an axe." And he says, "Wow! He got you right in the cunt!"

How do lumberjacks talk?

With a thick axe-cent.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A 3-year-old is watching his mum get changed...

As she drops her knickers, he points at her crotch and asks: "Mum, what is that?!"

Panicking, the mother quips "Oh, that's... that's where god hit me with an axe..."

"Phwoar" Says the boy... "Right in the cunt!"

Little Ahmed is doing his biology homework.

He comes upon a question: "What separates the head from the body?"

Ahmed answers: "The axe"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What does a woman want to have most?

Long time ago there was a monster wandering around villages. Each time he arrived a village, it would disappear from the map. But the monster was reasonable. As soon as he came to the village, the head of the village would be summoned, deciding the fate of themselves.

The monster said: "I wil...

Susan and Jack both work at a small company that sells widgets.

Monday morning, their supervisor Bill, finds out there have been budget cuts and he has to let one of them go by Friday.

Bill thinks, “Jeez, this really sucks. Susan and Jack are both excellent employees, they were both hired at the same time so neither has seniority, they’re never late, nev...

A guy walks into a bar...

A guy walks into a bar and he sees this sad guy sitting there, so he decides to cheer him up.

He goes and sits down, asks him what is troubling him. The guy replies "I lost my third wife"

Nice guy responds "Damn man that's horrible, if you dont mind me asking, what happened to the firs...

Why are three-dimensional objects so good at cutting down trees?

They have three axes.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man is trying to chop down some trees by the river.

Unfortunately the axe slipped out of the man's hand and fell into the river. The man was so saddened by this. He literally couldn't move. That was the only way he could support his family. He didn't know what he could do, he can't even swim.

Then suddenly a beautiful women emerges out of the ...

A hunter sat in a bar.

A hunter walks into a bar, bragging that he can recognize any kind of animal skin by touch alone. When no one seems impressed he adds that he's also able to identify the exact weapon used to kill the animal.

This intrigues the other guests and they decide to put his boast to the test. After w...

I killed someone while splitting wood today

I'm getting off though, they declared it an axe-ident

So, here's a story...

Once upon a time, there was a king.

The king ruled over a small kingdom he had inherited from his father.
The king was not a particularly bad ruler, considering.
However, one of the dukedoms his late father had conquered, started to plot against him, in order to liberate themselves from...

How do you make...

How do you make a dead baby float?
With a scoop of ice cream.

How do you make a dead baby shake?
Cup of milk
2 cups of fruit
A dead baby and a blender

How do you make a dead baby split?
A sharp axe and a strong swing.

The man who loved tractors

A while ago, there was this man living in Devonshire called Paul. He lived in the rural areas and LOVED tractors. Big ones, small ones, long ones, short ones, red ones, green ones, grey ones, you name it. He was also a member of the Tractor Society, which would put out a magazine every month.
...