Can't Read Jokes - 30 Hilarious Can't Read Jokes

What has four eyes, but still can't read?

Mississippi.

Do you know why women can't read a tape measure?

Because they've been told 6" inches is 8" all their lives.

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My little dog can't read

Mrs. Brown: Oh, my dear, I have lost my precious little dog!

Mrs. Smith: But you must put an advertisement in the papers!

Mrs. Brown: It's no use, my little dog can't read.

We all know that Trump can't read

That's why he thought his blue pills would give him a better election.

Dogs can't read MRI's...

...but cats can.

INTERVIEWER: "According to your resume you can't read."

ME: "Thanks, what else does it say?"

I can't read Charlie Brown comics anymore...

Turns out I'm allergic to peanuts.

My son asked me to read him the book, The Little Engine That Could. I told him, you ask for this book every night! I can't read itagain!

His response: I think you can. I think you can. I think you can.

Say what you want about Floyd Mayweather

He can't read it anyway

My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list...

_...Now I can't read anything!_

An engineer had a sign in front of his clinic that said, "Medical consultation for only $50. If I can't make you better, I will pay you $100."

A doctor, knowing he can stump the engineer and wanting to get some cash, goes straight to the engineer. "Hey," he says. "I lost my sense of taste. I can't taste any food anymore."

The engineer takes a small bottle from his drawer, told the doctor to take his tongue out, and put 15 drops of t...

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Dear Son

Dear Son,

I'm writing this slow 'cause I know you can't read fast.

We don't live where we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within twenty miles of home, so we moved. Won't be able to send you the address as the last Arkansas family that lived her...

Why didn't the chicken like Colonel Sander's autobiography?

Because chickens can't read.

Why did a cheetah's company go bankrupt?

Because it can't read, doesn't know what is money or a business, and mauled the HR manager at the first meeting in the first day of work? Seriously, who thought this is a good idea?

Kim Jong Un went to get his palm read.

"Ah", said the mystic. "One year from now I see great glory in your future.

Two years from now I see even greater glory.

Three years from now the glory is joined by love.

However I must warn you that past that I can read nothing of your future."

At this the dictator gets...

Can't come in

A theatre manager was worried that his headlining act hadn't turned up yet. His assistant came up to him.

"Sir, you just received this letter from the headlining act"

The manager took the letter and read it.

"Dear sir, I am afraid I cannot come in for the show tonight as I have....

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Dear Son,

Just a few lines to let you know I'm still alive. I'm writing this letter slowly because I know you can't read fast. We are all doing very well. You won't recognise the house when you get home - because we have moved. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from you...

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Obviously and because.

Teacher in the class:

\-Kids, please form a sentence with words "obviously" and "because".

After a while teacher asks:

\-Have You come up with something, kids?

One kid raises his hand and says:

\-Grandma took the newspaper and went into the woods.

\-But wher...

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A man goes to the eye doctor....

The man says I think I'm getting nearsighted. So the doc sits him down and gives the man an eye exam.
The doctor pulls up a chart of letters, asking the man to read each line util he can't make out the letters. The man gets to about the 3rd line when he starts to have problems, and he can't read...

My wife was so upset when I brought a basket full of cadaver feet home from the morgue the week before Christmas...

I thought they'd make great stocking-stuffers.

Women. I just can't read 'em.

"I'm here reporting at an anti-coronavirus protest today..."

"The protestors are holding signs ridiculing the lockdown, saying it's "just mass panic." There are also some doctors here today. They're holding signs as well."

"What do the signs say?"

"I can't tell. I can't read their handwriting."

I would love to be a microscope salesman..

"I'm sorry, sir, but I'm not looking to buy a microscope"
"OK then, here's my business card"
"The writing is way too small! I can't read it!"
"Well, do I have a product for you!"

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down...

The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu.

"I'm sorry, sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer. I'll smell it and order from there."

A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty d...

A man goes to buy a clock.

He's browsing in the clock shop. Suddenly he hears a little voice "Get digital you probably can't read analogue."
Startled, he looks around. Nobody is there.

A few minutes later, he hears another little voice "Your shoes belong in a museum!"
He spins around. Noone there.

As he ...

There are 10 types of people in this world.

Those that can't read binary.

Those that can read binary.

And those that weren't expecting a base 3 joke.

Stop writing hateful things about Alabama and the abortion laws all over social media.

They likely can't read, we will need to tell them in person.

Alabama isn't upset in the least that the state is ranked dead last for education because . . .

. . . they can't read the rankings anyway.

My wife told me to add ketchup to the shopping list before I went to the store

I don't know why since now I can't read what it says

Mind readers in Harry Potter

If a legilamins has a child that can't read minds, is that child illigilamins?

[AMA Request] Floyd Mayweather

Oh wait never mind he can't read.

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