An altar boy is not unlike a camel at all.

They’re both meant to carry someone else’s load.

Unlike Buzzfeed.......

Which is complete trash, Reddit has proven time and time again to be the more environmentally friendly website as we recycle 90% of our own content.

Unlike most people, I’m happy that Trump pulled out of Paris.

Can you imagine how narcissistic their kids would have been?

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Net Neutrality won't ruin everyone's life unlike previously stated

I have it on good authority that the Amish don't give a fuck

Unlike you guys, I’m loyal

I would never cheat on my girlfriends!

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Unlike Jesus, I did not have a virgin birth

It is, however, looking increasing likely that I'll have a virgin death

My mother-in-law came into work at lunch time today, and I must admit unlike other men, I was genuinely pleased to see her.

By the way I’m an undertaker.

Unlike many guys, I don't try to get into a lady's pants…

…mostly because they won't fit me, but also because they lack usable pockets. What's up with that aspect of fashion design, anyway?

Graduation unlike before

2 Asian kids graduated from High School. The school had never witnessed this phenomena, but both of them were #1 in their class. Long story short the parents couldn't be happier....it was a Nguyen, Nguyen for them.

Why is a woman unlike a washing machine?

After you throw a load in a washing machine it doesn't follow you around.

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What is the difference between a little kid and an asshole?

Unlike a Catholic, I won't lick a little kid.

Found my first grey pubic hair today. But I didn’t freak out...

Unlike everyone else inside the elevator

Unlike everyone else, I’m not worried about losing my job to robots.

They are yet to come up with a machine that does nothing.

Unlike my other girlfriends, my new Thai girlfriend is really into me.

about four inches into me to be precise.

A man walks into a bar

A man walks into a bar hysterical. He runs up to the bartender and says "help there's a wizard on a horse who's trying to kill me! Please I need to use your phone!" The bartender, thoroughly confused, studders and says "okay." The crazed man calls his wife, "honey, there's a wizard on a horse who's ...

William Shakespeare takes a potion and is propelled into the modern age.

Smart as ever, he rapidly learns the global situation in politics and entertainment and even becomes highly Internet literate.
He discovers that a famous actress has been named after his wife Anne Hathaway. He decides she is extremely beautiful but wants to meet her in person to determine if s...

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There was once a tiny sperm,

pretty tiny as compared to the others he found himself around.

But unlike the others, he did not like to practice. Most of the time, he would jump around, making fun of others while they were all trying to perfect their swimming.

His comrades tried to advise him to stay focused, but ...

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A old man and a young man play golf

The young man sees an old man hug an incredibly attractive 24 year old blonde. The woman leaves in a sport car peeling out of the facility wildly while leaving the old man with his golf gear. The old man walks towards the course smiling and seems to be settling up to start his game. The young man wa...

Whats the best way to die?

Peacefully in your sleep... unlike the screaming passangers in your car

Inspired by a church sign that read “Tell someone that they matter”

I pulled my daughter aside and said to her in my most sincere voice: “Unlike energy, you occupy space and possess rest mass.”

My grandpa died peacefully in his sleep

Unlike the passengers in his taxi

Amelia Earhart should’ve been a comedian

Because unlike her, her jokes always land

My dad left to go get milk last year...

Unlike your dad, he came home that day!

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A mortician and a plumber

A mortician goes to work and his assistant lets him know that a body came in during the night. He and the assistant walk into the back and the assistant pulls back the sheet.

To his shock, the deceased is Steve the plumber - a popular, well-liked guy who couldn't have been older than 35.
<...

I love my wife. She won't settle for anything.

Unlike myself.

All these antivaxxer jokes on Reddit are getting old

Unlike the children

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A cop was patrolling his regular route

when he started to get pretty thirsty. Naturally deciding to stop at his usual convenient store. As he's pulling into the parking lot he sees a woman pumping gas into her car while smoking a cigarette. She was older and maybe a little unstable. The cop dismounts his cruiser and approaches the woman ...

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A man who was driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery...

He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound unlike anything he's ever heard before. The Sirens t...

The percent of the population holding anti-vaccination beliefs has gotten up to the mid-teens.

Unlike their children.

Anti-vaccinations jokes are starting to get old.

Unlike the kids they're about.

When I die I want to go out like my grandpa

He just fell asleep and never woke up-unlike the people riding his bus

Brian wanted to be a miner ever since he was little

So one day when he hit that magical age of 21 he packed up all of his things and left his parents house. Too the grievance of his mother he moved a few states over. To a little mining village that like in the old days completely depended on their local gold mine. For some reason unlike all the other...

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Bears in Bars in Butte, Montana

One beautiful springtime day, a bear wakes up after a long winter's sleep, smacks his lips, and decides he's going to go to town to get a beer.

Just so happens that this bear's home is nearby Butte, Montana, and he found it pretty easy to find a bar. He walks on in, takes a stool, lays his bi...

I noticed that I am quite a mature person, ever since I stopped making indirect comments about others.

Unlike some others that I know.

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George Pell's age is being taken into consideration for his sentencing.

Unlike George Pell's choice of sexual partner.

Have you ever heard of the hero, Bophades?

You see, Bophades had a story very similar to that of Achilles. Like Achilles, he was bathed in the River Styx as a child. The Styx, like Achilles gave Bophades near invulnerability. However, unlike Achilles, who was vulnerable in the heel, Bophades was vulnerable in the groin. You know how you've h...

Two marines are flying into an unfamiliar airport

The put the flaps up and descend lower, lower, lower and finally touch down. The brakes of the plane screeches and howl unlike anything you've ever heard. The plane comes to a stop just inches from the terminal. The pilot exlaims "that's the shortest damn runway I've ever seen". The co-pilot looks t...

I'm not passive aggressive.

Unlike *some* people.

A woman once gave birth to 100 children

To avoid confusion, she simply named them after the number of their conception. Unfortunately all of them except for #90 died at a very young age.

90 was a little girl who grew up to be a great woman. She married at a young age and gave birth to two children, a daughter and a son. Unlike her ...

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My wife walked in on me while I was wearing only a towel around my shoulders.

“I’m count Dickula,” I said. “And unlike my infamous cousin, I want you to suck ME dry.”

She left.

Once upon a time there were two youths in love

Once upon a time there were two youths in love. They met in grade school and instantly knew that they would be married and be with each other forever. Their families became close friends and as they grew older it became more and more obvious to everyone that they were destined to be together.
...

I celebrate 4/20 on January 5th...

Because I know how to reduce fractions unlike the rest of you morons.

A Russian goes to a watchmaker.

He says, "My clock is defective. It only goes 'tic...tic...tic...tic...' unlike the others, which go 'tic...toc...tic...toc...'."
"No problem", says the watchmaker, taking the clock from its owner.
He then shines a light in the clock's face and says menacingly, "We have ways to make it toc."

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A guy in my English class was dissing my boy Oedipus.

So I said, "Well unlike you, he was unaware that he was fucking his mom."

...

I thought of this joke last night when I was supposed to be asleep. Someone tell me if this was already posted before.

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During It's 60th Year Anniversary, an Old Folk's Home Decided to Get a Magician to Perform.

This Magician Was Unlike Any Other Magician. He Specialised in Hypnosis.


That Day, He Brought His Family's Heirloom, a Pocket Watch Made of Gold.


At Noon, Everyone Gathered At the Home's Hall, Waiting for The Magician's Arrival.


Upon Arriving, the Magician Pulled Out...

A scientists gets stationed in Antarctica...

The scientist was stationed at a moderately sized outpost, but unfortunately for him, he did not know anyone there.

Later that evening, he decided to hit up the only bar in the area, hoping to meet some of the fellow scientists and crew stationed there.

While he is sitting at the bar, ...

My grandad the bus driver passed away peacefully in his sleep yesterday

unlike his passengers

Three guys in a plane crash land on a deserted island.

One day, several years later, a bottle washes up on the beach. One of the guys opens it to reveal that it contains a genie! The two others rush over when they see what's going on.

The genie says "Normally, I give the person who finds my bottle three wishes, but since there are three of you, I...

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Official Rules for Indoor Golf

(an oldie, but a goodie)

1. Each player will furnish his own equipment for play; normally, one club and two balls.

2. Course to be played must be approved by the owner of the hole.

3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and
keep the balls out of ...

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There is a rabbi that studied all the religions of the world. He had worked his whole life to experience them all....

He finally had studied and participated in all the world's religions, except for one. There was the small tropical island far away from civilization. This island, the Island of Trid, was populated by the local islanders, the trids. They an idyllic culture. Easy and peaceful living in harmony with th...

A man visits an enchanted wishing well,

deep inside a forest. This well, unlike most wishing wells, had a peculiar quality: as well as granting wishes, it could talk. That made it, in some sense, alive.

So the man knelt in front of the well, and spake his wish: "Please, enchanted well. Grant me the wish of death upon the man who be...

Three guys, who are totally lost in a desert, find a magic lamp.

And obviously, a genie comes out of it. He tells the guys that they have one wish each.

The first guy says: I'm hungry and thirsty... but I'd really wish you could send me back home. I really miss my wife's cooking.

The genie snaps his fingers, and the first guy disapear. He looks at t...

James Earl Jones joins the U.S. Naval Academy.

Once there, he takes a Calculus II class notorious for its difficulty. Unlike his classmates, he isn't worried, but that all changes when he gets his first exam grade back.

"37%?! How did I do that badly?!" he asks his teacher, Admiral Smith.

"I suggest you study harder, cadet." he re...

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Two blokes stranded in the ocean find a genie in a bottle

The genie explains to them that unlike the genies they've heard of and it will grant them one wish, not three.
The first guy immediately jumps up and excitedly yells:
"I wish we were floating on a sea of beer!!"
And in a flash the genie waves his hand and *flash* the two blokes are awash ...

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A man was stopped for speeding

A man was driving along an overpass and was caught in a speed trap by a police officer with a radar gun. He admitted he was speeding, apologized, and told the officer that the reason he was speeding was that he did not want to be late for work. The officer wrote the ticket, explained the details of ...

A friend of mine had a pet boxer.

Unlike a dog, whenever the doorbell rang he walked over to the corner and sat down.

Difference between computers and woman

Unlike computers a woman will reject a 3 1/2 inch floppy.

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A middle-aged couple is having trouble in bed.

A middle-aged couple is having trouble in bed - namely, the husband is having trouble making his wife orgasm. They visit a sex therapist who recommends they hire a young man to give the wife a foot massage during sex, hopefully to relax her and help her orgasm. They try it, and the husband fucks his...

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It's WW2 3 men die and go to hell.

An American, a Jewish man, and a Nazi die and are all greeted by Satan at the gates of hell. He says to the 3 men, "I'm giving you guys a chance to earn your lives back. I want you to bring me a fruit that I've never seen before." The men were full of joy, however the devil did not tell them if they...

Dems haven't won a senate seat in Alabama since 1992

Unlike Roy Moore, they were capable of waiting 25 years.

An old man has finally retired and just bought a new sports car...

As he leaves the dealership and pulls onto the interstate, he begins to accelerate. As he passes 80mph he passes a highway patrol. The lights instantly come on. He puts the accelerator to the floor and speeds up, 90, 110, 120mph...

He finally let's off and asks himself what he's doing as he ...

3 Nuns at the Pearly Gates (very mildly NSFW)

3 nuns are in a bus in Colombia, which due to budget cuts breaks it's axle, rolls over, and kills them all. When they come to, they realize that the three of them are in a cloud-filled place standing in front of an elderly man at a dais, behind whom are enormous, gold-plated gates, which at the mom...

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Three men walk into a bar.

The first man looks like he hasn't had any sleep in days. His clothes are ragged and torn, and his face is clammy and unshaven. He sits down on the stool and slumps over in a groggy state.

The second man is in a similar state, but is wearing a suit. His tie is strewn over his shoulders, and h...

An old Tahitian legend...

As the legend goes, when the Tahitians first found their island, after they had settled in, they decided to build a grand central hall for their new settlement. Unlike contemporary Europeans, though, they built their dwellings not out of timber or stone but out of the materials they had at hand: ree...

Just checked that the carton of milk in my fridge expired December 31.

Unlike me, it had a date on New Year’s Eve.

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The Scarecrow said to Dorothy...

"I may not have a brain, but unlike you, I'm not the stupid bitch who's lost when there's only one fucking road!"

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The Gods decided to create trees...

The land was barren with nothing but muddy ground, rock formations, some small creatures and a pair of humans. So the Gods decided to create 2 trees to live as partners. The female tree was named Eva and the male Lee. As all other forms of life around, the trees were naked.

Eva was not conten...

A man wakes up late one night to find his wife eating candy.

The man says "Honey, why are you eating that this late at night?"

and his wife replies with "Because unlike you, Snickers satisfies me."




Credit to Ronnie Serrano.

A programmer and his wife...

A programmers wife asks him to go to the shop and get a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen.

The programmer returns with one loaf of bread and twelve eggs because programmers don't act like computers unlike some others on this sub.

How do you want it die?

Personally, i want to go out as my grandpa.

Peacefully in his sleep. Unlike his passengers, screaming and crying.

The Bell Ringer

A priest stands alone in his church. It is a beautiful old church with a great tall bell tower. Suddenly, the front doors of the church open and a hobbled old man walks in. He is barely able to walk and his back is so hunched he can barely look up at the priest. The old man walks up to the priest an...

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Donald Trump goes to the doctor...

He says, "Listen doc, i get erections. I get the best erections, they're yuuuuuge, call Sean Hannity, he'll tell you. I'm having issues in the bedroom, presidential bedroom, and I'm falling flat, unlike my poll numbers. Can I get some Viagra?"

The Dr replies, "No, but I can offer you some exe...

Student: Can we postpone the test? It's on my birthday.

Student: Can we postpone the test? It's on my birthday.

Teacher: Well unlike your birthday, this test was planned ahead of time.

I was telling my wife how good life was on my early 20's before I met her. ...

Out every night. Unlike being home every night.

Broke but happy partying and drinking. Unlike being rich but sober.

Living in a shared house with strangers and only a few possessions. Unlike the luxury I live in now.

Lots of women. Unlike the one I have.

A car that on...

Pearly Gates Duty

It was time for St Peter's annual three-week vacation, and Jesus volunteered to fill in for him at the Pearly Gates.

"It's no big deal," St Peter explained. "Just sit at the registration desk, and ask each person a little about his or her life. Then, send them to housekeeping to pick up their...

SHERLOCK HOLMES WAS CAMPING WITH DR. WATSON

Sherlock Holmes was camping with Dr. Watson…

…and Mr. Holmes turned to his assistant: Tell me, Watson, what do you see?

Watson was puzzled by the remark, but he looked up and said, “Stars. Millions and millions of them.”

Holmes responded: “I agree. And Dr. Watson, certainly you ...

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Why I changed my name

Well, for my story to make any sense, I need to clarify that I'm somewhat of a celebrity in my country. I think even internationally people have heard about me, though I'm not too sure about it (fortunately the people who know about me also tend to be technologically a bit behind the curve, so you d...

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Man travels to Spain

A man travels to Spain and decides to watch one of the bullfighting matches for which Spain is well known.

The match was intense & thrilling. Unlike anything which can be found anywhere else in the world. Afterwards there was a celebration for the Torero (Bullfighter) and the crowd slowl...

My vaccume cleaner sucks because it doesn't suck...

Unlike my other vaccume cleaner, which doesn't suck because it sucks.

(co-writing credit to smarties pants u/lord_of_the_realm)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How is Trump different from Hitler?

Unlike Hitler Trump wants to round up every Juan.

Edit : No offence to Trump supporters or anyone!

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It was entertainment night at the senior center and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill.

People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff.
As Claude went to the front of the meeting room, he announced: "Unlike most hypnotists who invite two or three people up here to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."
The excite...

If someone does something to annoy you, DONT just be passive aggressive about.

Unlike SOME people I know.

The 3 Construction Workers (really old joke, but one of my favorites when I was little)

(Sorry if this has been posted before, I only subscribed recently and haven't seen this one yet)

There are three construction workers: Joe, Bob, and Frank. One day they are sitting on an I-beam high above their construction site. It is lunch hour and the three have their lunchboxes, ready to ...

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The Man with the Tiny Head

A man walks into a bar, seemingly normal sized body, but he has what can only be described as a head so tiny, it was unfit to be on top of his neck. He goes up to the bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, "Drinks are on the house if you don't mind me asking what is wrong with your head."
...

The wooly miner

A wealthy couple's anniversary is coming up and the wife is having a hard time finding a present for her husband because he already has everything he has ever wanted.

So she's walking down the street and decides to go into a pet store in search of a suitable present. After looking around for ...

The Modest Florist

The was a man who sold flowers in the local village and earned a modest living doing so. He had done this his entire life so it was upsetting to him when one day he could no longer sell so much as a single rose. As he looked around the entire village he started to notice that everyone had flowers....

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