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Pair Jokes

Two strangers get paired up golfing

They’re both pretty avid golfers, so they’re playing a speedy round.

They play through a couple groups and end up behind a couple ladies further up the fairway.

The one chap decides to walk up and ask if they can play through. About halfway towards them, he stops dead and turns aroun...

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[NSFW] What do you call a haunted pair of breasts?

BoOoOoOoOobs

A zookeeper lost a pair of mongoose to a storm and needed to replace them. He began writing an email to his supplier...

“Dear sir, please send me two mongooses at once.”

That didn’t sound right, so he tried again.

“Dear sir, please send me two mongeese at once.”

That still didn’t sound right, so he gave it one last attempt:

“Dear sir, please send me one mongoose. And while you’re at it...

I bought a pair of shoes from a drug dealer

I have no idea what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.

I got a new pair of gloves today, but they're both 'lefts'...

Which, on the one hand is great, but on the other it's just not right

A blonde walks into a shop and wants a pair of alligator boots.

The shopkeeper tells her they do not sell expensive items to blondes.

After becoming very frustrated with the shopkeepers attitude the blonde declares. FINE ILL JUST GO CATCH AN ALLIGATOR AND GET MY OWN BOOTS!

The shopkeeper replied why don't you just try young lady with a smirk.
...

Why do Mexicans cross the border in pairs?

The sign says "No trespassing"

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Once there was a queen had the most massive pair of breasts in the kingdom

The knight-captain was obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try.

One day the knight-captain revealed his secret desire to his old friend who was the royal physician. The physician thought ab...

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"
The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch your...

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True Story: This genuinely happened last night. I work as a Doorman/Bouncer. I own a pair of electrically heated socks. A customer came out for a cigarette as I was plugging the battery packs in and switching them on...

Lady: "What are you doing?"
Me: "I'm just turning my socks on."
Lady: "Ooooo, that's *very* considerate of you!"
Me: "What d'you mean?"
Lady: "Well, most guys I know wouldn't bother with that... they'd just cum in them!"

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Apparently the man was smothered to death between a pair of breasts.

There was no sign of a struggle.

My dog ate a pair of D&D dice...

48 hours later, she rolled a natural deuce.

Whats the difference between a pair of glasses and a chickpea?

I've never had a pair of glasses on my face.

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How Many Animals Can You Fit In a Pair of Pantyhose?

An Ass, a Pussy, two calves, ten piggies and god knows how many hares! I heard this joke from my aunt in the 70's. Wondered if it was well known.

As I knelt down with a pair of size 4 shoes in front of this blonde in a short skirt, I couldn't resist a quick glance at her knickers:

"Hey cheeky!" She said as she gave me a playful kick. "I bet the only reason you work here is to look up girls' skirts isn't it?"

"That's an absolutely ridiculous accusation, madam." I said sternly. "I don't even work here."

I just learned that Peruvian Owls always hunt in pairs..

It's because they are Inca hoots.

You should always bring two pairs of pants golfing.

Just in case you get a hole in one.

There are a pair of twins called Ving and Ling. Ving decided to go to the town hall to change his name. Ling decided to give him a lift there. When they arrived Ling reminded Ving that he would disgrace their family if he changed his name to Lee.

Ving takes a form and quickly fills it out to change his name. He sends off the form, but immediately starts to regret it. He is told that to revoke his form he must pay a small fee. Ling takes out her purse and is about to hand over the money when suddenly…
A man, their father, bursts through th...

In high school I was best friends with a pair of Chinese twins, Ving and Ling.

Ving truly hated his name and wanted to change it to Lee, as in Bruce Lee, but Ling kept trying to convince him not to do it since it was a big part of their heritage.
One day he decided it was finally time to go through with it, so me and Ling accompanied him to the courthouse, while Ling kept...

A man comes to a tailor to make a pair of pants.

Five days later, he comes to check. The tailor says it's still not ready. Takes a few extra measurements and goes back to work.

Five more days, and the same story repeats, a third time, a fourth time... finally, after a month of work, the tailor delivers a brand new pair of pants.

**Th...

I bought a pair of nunchucks today.

Highly recommended; they've already chucked two annoying nuns away from me.

A guy comes back home to his small town from overseas at the end of WWII. The town plans a big parade for him the next day. He remembers that the day before he shipped out three years earlier, he left a pair of dress shoes at the shoemaker's for repair.

He finds the receipt ticket and rushes to the shoemaker's to get them. The shoemaker examines the ticket and disappears into the back for a couple of minutes. When he returns he says, "They'll be ready Thursday."

A blonde walked into a shoe shop and saw a pair of shoes made from alligator skin...

A blonde walked into a shoe shop and saw a pair of shoes made from alligator skin that she liked.

“How much for these shoes?” – she asked the store manager.

“$300” – he replied.

“That’s too expensive! Can’t you bring the price down?” – the blonde.

The store manager said h...

A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, “Please, may I hide under your skirt. I’ll explain later..

The nun agreed…

A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, “Sister, have you seen a soldier?”

The nun replied, “He went that way.”

After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, “I can’t thank you enough, sister. You see, I don’t want ...

A young guy gets paired with an elderly stranger for a round of golf

A young guy gets paired with an elderly stranger for a round of golf. They're on the fifth green, the old guy is lining up a putt, when they notice a funeral procession passing by the course.

The man backs away from the putt, removes his cap, bows his head for a quick prayer, crosses himself...

I said to my tailor, "Do you know how to make a pair of trousers last?"

He said, "Sure - make the jacket first."

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When I go to a costume party this year, I'm showing up wearing only a pair of jeans.

That way when I'm asked what my costume is, I'll say "I'm a premature ejaculator. I just came in my pants."

What’s the difference between an elevator and a pair of leggings?

The elevator has a weight limit to keep in mind.

What do you call someone wearing a mismatched pair of socks?

A heterosoxual.

Bert, at 75 years old, always wanted a pair of soft spike golf shoes like Freddie Couples, so seeing some on sale after his round, he bought them and he was so delighted with his purchase decided to wear them home to show the missus.

Walking proudly into the house, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"

Margaret at age 73, looked him over and replied, "Nope."

Frustrated as all get out, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen...

A soldier approaches a nun.

"I don't want to be rude, but can I please hide under your dress? I'll explain later." Said the man.

"Go ahead", answered the nun.

Two high ranked army-officers walk up and ask the nun: "have you, by any coincidence, seen a soldier?"

After the officers disappear the soldier lea...

What does a pair of Levi's and a cheap hotel have in common?

No ballroom.

I don't have a single pair of underwear without holes in them

I mean... How else am I supposed to put them on?

What do you call a new pair of underwear?

Unsharted Territory

Finally bought a great pair of binoculars.

So glad that my neighbor had the ad open on his phone.

A pair of cannibals were discussing their recent meals

One said "I found some Catholic monks when I was in the woods; took home the meat and boiled it up. Tasted TERRIBLE!"

The other said "Idiot. You don't boil monks- those are friars!"

What did 50 Cent say to his grandmother when she made him a pair of socks?

Gee, you knit?

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A man walks into a costume party in nothing but a pair of blue jeans

The host asks him, "What are you supposed to be?"

He responds, "I'm a premature ejaculation."

The host says, "Umm... I don't completely understand."

"Well," the man says, "I just came in my pants."

Why do dads take an extra pair of socks when they go golfing?

In case they get a hole in one!

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Guys, I've finally touched a pair of boobs!

Man I really should start losing weight :(

A pair of cows were talking in the field.

One says, “Have you heard about the mad cow disease that’s going around?”

“Yeah,” the other cow says. “Makes me glad I’m a penguin.”

What pair of shoes do kidnappers love the most?

White Vans

A centipede walked into a shop and asked for a pair of shoes.

The shopkeeper looked at him and checked it was just the one pair that the centipede wanted.

The centipede laughed and assured the shopkeeper that yes, although one pair would be useless for himself, the shoes were a birthday gift for someone else and that he did indeed only want one pair....

Why do toucans dance in pairs?

Because two toucans can can-can better than one toucan can.

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For christmas i bought my girlfriend a pair of shoes and a dildo.

That way if she doesnt like the shoes she can go fuck herself.

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"What a lovely pair of Blue Tits" said one Bird Watcher to the other

"Will you please shut up!" shouted everyone else at the Avatar 2 screening

What do you call a pair of drunken cacti?

Pickly Pairs!

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(NSFW) A pair of nuns are driving through the aussie outback.

A pair of nuns are driving through the night in the outback, in an old beat up Holden ute going from one town to another.
When all of a sudden...
A Vampire lands on the bonnet spreading his Cape while squatting and emitts a loud hiss!
One nun turns to the other,
"Quick Mary! show him yo...

In Athens, Greece, a man takes a pair of trousers to a tailor.

The tailor takes the pants and holds them up. He turns to the man and says “Euripides?”

“Yes,” the man responds, “Eumenides?”"

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A bra and a pair of jumper cables walk into a bar...

As soon as they walk in, the bartender tells them to get out immediately.

"Why?" Says the bra.

"Because you're off your tits, and your friend looks like he's about to start something."

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You know what they say, once you've seen one pair of boobs...

You want to see them all

A pair of hunters went moose hunting and chartered a small plane to carry them.

At the end of the day, they had bagged six moose and were abou to load them in the plane.

The pilot disagreed with them, saying the plane could only take four safely.

The hunters argued, saying that last year, the pilot had allowed them to carry all six onboard on the same plane.
...

A pair of Lightbulb Jokes

How many socialists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None. The lightbulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.



How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two; one to hold a carton the giraffe, and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly colored b...

What do you call a depressed pair of croissants?

Pain au pain.

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Bought a pair of boat shoes

They don't float for shit. I fell right in.

What do you call a pair of nuts on the wall?

Walnuts!

I’ll see myself out

A pair of hot twin sisters, one blonde, the other brunette get invited to a Halloween party.

A pair of hot twin sisters, one blonde, the other brunette get invited to a Halloween party. The theme is "snacks" so they decide to go as a pair of popular candy bars.
The party is a real blast and the brunette is having tons of fun, but the blonde is just kind of off to herself with no one giv...

Doctor doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains!

A pair of curtains? What is it?

They're large pieces of fabric that covers up a window. But that's not important right now.

I have an ugly, tight pair of shorts that I only wear when every other pair is dirty.

They’re my last reshorts.

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Gift for sweetheart

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart for her
birthday. As they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration
he decided a pair of gloves would strike just the right note: romantic, but
not too personal.

Accompanied by the sweetheart's sister, he w...

Sammy just bought a new pair of pants.

He's explaining to Dean that these pants were specially fitted for dancing.

"Ballroom?" Dean asks.

"Not much," Sammy replies.

A pair of elderly ladies are in line at a checkout...

They both have a cucumber, costing $2 each.


Young cashier says to them: 'That will be $4, but we have a special of 3 for $5'


The two ladies look at each other & 1 says to the other: 'Well, we could always eat one...'

Did you hear about the latest pair of scissors in the market?

It's said to be cutting edge technology

I had to get a new pair of scissors today.

The old ones just weren’t cutting it.

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Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day, and both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven.

Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the Angel must decide which of them gets in.


The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to Heaven.


Dolly takes off her top and says, "Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever c...

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Three men, aged 40, 60 and 80, discuss their sex lives

The 40-year old says: "When my wife and I were just married, we'd do it every single day. Any position you could imagine. But now I'm lucky if we can average once a week".

The 60-year old man responds: "Once a week? Just wait till you get to my age. Once a month is what I consider an active s...

A man with a great dane and a man with a Chihuahua go to a bar, but it says “no pets allowed”

One man says to the other “how will we bring our dogs inside?”
The second man gives the first a pair of very dark sunglasses and says “do what I do.”
He goes inside and the manager says “Sorry, no pets allowed.”
The man says “You don’t understand. This is my guide dog.”
“A great dane? ...

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Stop saying “grow a pair”

Balls are weak. Instead say “grow a vagina” - coz it can take a pounding

A man and his girlfriend were getting undressed together for the first time.

The man took off his shoes and socks, revealing feet with missing and deformed toes. "What happened to your feet?" his girlfriend asked. "I had a childhood disease called Tolio" the man said. "Don't you mean Polio?" "No, Tolio. It only affects the toes."

Not wanting to ruin the mood, the gir...

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Paddy's wife bought a pair of crutch-less knickers.

In an attempt to spice up her and her hubby's sex life.

She put them on with a short skirt and sat on the sofa opposite her husband.

Every so often she would uncross her legs enough times till her husband noticed.

Husband: Are you wearing crotch-less panties.?

Her: Yes sh...

There's a pair of twins, Ivan and Oliver Peterson.

They both became doctors. Not medical doctors, but doctors in meteorology.

They study the rain. You know,

Dr.I.P.

Dr.O.P.

Oh hey girl, what's the difference between you and a pair of glasses?

Glasses seem to fit a bit higher on my face

A pair of Estranged brothers.

There once were two brothers born to a somewhat well off family. The younger one was exemplary. He always excelled in his classes, went to the best university in the country, and became a renowned lawyer. The older one was pretty average. He was the middle of his class, went to a local community col...

So Two Blondes are stand on a pair of Tracks

So two blondes are standing on a pair of tracks arguing, “They’re deer tracks”, “No They’re Bear Tracks “

Half a Hour a later they get hit by a train

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There was a man that bought a new pair of boots.

He was so proud of them, when he got home he walked up to his wife and said "notice any thing different?" she looked him over and just shrugged her shoulders. Mad as hell he stormed into the bathroom to admire them in the tall mirror, then took off every stitch of clothing bar the new boots. Butt na...

I went on a date with a pair of conjoined twins

(You: “did you have a good time?”)

Ehhh... yes and no....

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When a girl asks you "Does my butt looks big in this?" That is her way of asking you to set the difficulty for the evening...

Easy mode: Of course not honey, you look wonderful.

Medium mode: Hmm, maybe try a different pair of pants.

Hard mode: Yes, but it looks big in anything.

Impossible mode: Yes, but on the bright side, it draws attention away from your face.

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Pairs of parrots

A lady goes to her parish priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots but they only know how to say one thing." "What do they say?" the priest inquired. "They say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?'" the woman said embarrassingly. "That's ob...

A Pair of Rabbits

A wild rabbit was caught and taken to a National Institute of Health laboratory. When he arrived, he was befriended by a rabbit that had been born and raised in the lab.

One evening the wild rabbit noticed that his cage hadn't been properly closed and decided to make a break for freedom. He i...

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A lady had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her to get back into the dating world. Finally, she said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replied, "Mom, I have someone for you to meet!

Well, it was an immediate hit.

They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Spain.

Their first night there, she undressed as he did.

There she stood nude, except for a pair of black panties, he in his birthday suit.

Lo...

Bought A Pair Of Polarized Sunglasses

Some people like 'em, some people hate 'em.

A man goes to the Doctor and says 'Doctor, I think I'm a pair of curtains'

'Pull yourself together man!' Replies the Doctor

A pair of twins walk into a bar...

A pair of twins walk into a bar.

A man walks up to them and asks:

"So is it true that twins can communicate telepathically"

They look at each other in silence for about 30 seconds when the man says:

"I'm sorry if that was an awkward question, it was stupid of me to ask"...

I bought my nephew a pair of airpods for his birthday.

The kid was so ungrateful, he didn't even say thank you. He just started throwing up gang signs at me.



I think he's fallen into a bad crowd ever since he went deaf.

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Two guys are getting ready for a costume party...

But there's a catch: The host said they have to get dressed up as 'emotions.'

So the first guy goes home and sticks his dick in a pear.

The second guy goes home and sticks his dick in a big bowl of custard.

They show up at the party together and knock on the door. The host opens...

The Geography of a Woman:

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa. Half discovered, half wild, fertile, and naturally Beautiful!

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like the USA. Well developed and open to trade, especially for someone of real value.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain. Very hot, r...

My friend and I saw a pair of clogs.

They said, "I think those go on your feet."

I said, "you would say that, wooden shoe."

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NSFW So i walk into a dungeon and see a giant pair of boobs...

I soon realized they belonged to Medusa!

She says "Umm, my eyes are up here?"

Me: Already rock hard.

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My girlfriend accidentally shoved a pair of glasses up my ass...

Now my hindsight is 20/20

An ancient Greek walks into his tailor's shop with a pair of torn pants.

"Euripides?" says the tailor.

"Yeah, Eumenides?" replies the man.

A police officer came across a pair of boys eating fireworks and batteries

He decided to charge one and let the other off

A pair of Arms, a pair of Legs and a head have a swimming race...

All contestants dive in, the arms take the lead with the legs just behind, however the head has sunk to the bottom. The arms eventually win, with the legs in second.

They recover the head and they asked what happened? The head replied "I've been training for 6 months using my ears and just b...

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Playing cards in pairs is like sex

If you don’t have a great partner, you should have a good hand.

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No pair of balls are identical.

In fact, there are vas deferenses between the two.

i was trying to shorten a pair of trousers, and now I've lost them.

Im sure they'll turn up eventually.

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My friend offered me a pair of egyptian coffins in return for a blowjob...

But I don't want two sarcophagi.

A blonde goes to a barber with a pair of headphones on...

The barber asks for her to take them off so he can cut her hair and she screams that he can't. He murmurs under his breath but begins to attempt to cut her hair. He is almost finished but he can't cut the hair under the damn headphones. He decides to make the decision himself by removing them. Once ...

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What do you call a haunted pair of breasts?

Booooooooobies!

Happy Halloween! Stay safe everyone!

So an Army Ranger wants himself a pair of Gator Boots...

But this being an Army Ranger, he's not just going to *buy* himself a pair of boots, no, he's gonna make his own. So he heads down to Louisiana and makes his way to the bayou. He finds a nice little bait shop, buys himself a nice knife, and asks the shop owner where he can find himself a decent size...

Quantum entanglement is not hard to understand:

Socks come in pairs. If you put a sock on your left foot, the other sock of the pair instantly becomes the “right sock,” no matter where it is located in the universe.

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My boss just referred to me as "A real pair of butts"

He said I am "A major ass set to the company"

I asked for a pair of vans last Christmas...

So my dad got me two ford transits

I was excited to find $20 in the back pocket of an old pair of jeans

but the guy wearing them didn’t seem as excited.

My kid found a pair of handcuffs in the bedroom, he asked what they were for. I said they were from a stag do. He asked, what's a stag do?

I said it wanders around the forest trying not to get shot.

I have 600 legs, 30 arms, a pair of wings, and 1000 eyes. What am I?

A liar.

what do socks and fruit molesters have in common?

They come in pairs.

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'
The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.
'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Pe...

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A world known pair of thieves were visiting the Escoffier Museum of Culinary Arts in France.

They were looking to make their final steal the biggest yet. They walk up the pearly white steps and into the old yellow plastered building.

As they walk in, the man turns to the woman and asks, "What do you think we should take? I want our last job to be remembered for years!"

The wo...

Why won’t a pair of lobsters share their best jokes with each other?

Because they are two shellfish

Where can you find a free pair of designer shoes in any size?

The mosque

What do you call a pair of crows?

An attempted murder.

What do you call a pair of Australian instrument players?

a didgeriduet

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