A blonde walks into a shop and wants a pair of alligator boots.

The shopkeeper tells her they do not sell expensive items to blondes.

After becoming very frustrated with the shopkeepers attitude the blonde declares. FINE ILL JUST GO CATCH AN ALLIGATOR AND GET MY OWN BOOTS!

The shopkeeper replied why don't you just try young lady with a smirk.
...

A guy walks into a bar with a pair of jumper cables

The bartender says “look, I’m gonna serve you, but you better not try to start anything “

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A guy walks into a costume party wearing nothing buy a pair of blue jeans

The host comes up to him and asks, "What are you supposed to be?"

"I'm a premature ejaculation," he responds.

"I don't understand."

"Oh, I just came in my pants."

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I saw a girl with 6 pairs of boobs the other day

Sounds weird dozen tit ?

What has 50 pairs of eyes but only three teeth?

The front row at a Trump rally.

I used to have a nice pair of golf shoes.

Until I got a hole in one.

I bought a pair of shoes from a drug dealer today.

No clue what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.

I made a pair of gloves out of clocks and watches, but they’re too heavy to wear.

I guess I’ve just got too much time on my hands.

I was in a shoe shop today trying out a new pair of sneakers

I said to the assistant, ‘It’s too tight’.

She said, ‘Try it with the tongue out.’

I said, ‘It’th nho ghood, it’th thtill thoo thigh!’

A work uniform is a lot like a pair of pajamas...

Usually somebody else buys them for you, it's one of the few outfits you'll wear where the top is the same color as the bottoms, you might not wash them after every single wearing, and it can lead to depression if you're in them for more than 8 hours a day.

Why do white girls always walk in pairs of threes?

Because they literally can't even.

A Pair of Rabbits

A wild rabbit was caught and taken to a National Institute of Health laboratory. When he arrived, he was befriended by a rabbit that had been born and raised in the lab.

One evening the wild rabbit noticed that his cage hadn't been properly closed and decided to make a break for freedom. He i...

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What do you call the space between a pair of fake breasts?

Silicon Valley

I just got a pair of the worlds smallest handcuffs!

Wedding rings sure are expensive.

What do you call a pair of crows?

An attempted murder.

A red-headed man walks into a bar carrying a pair of clippers.

He stands in the middle of the barroom floor and proceeds to cut all the hair from his head, clipping it tight and short, as close as possible to the skin, all the while humming and singing catchy little songs to himself.

After he finishes he nods to the barman, bows to a man at the bar and ...

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What do the Seven Dwarfs say when they meet a pair of prostitutes?

Hi Ho, Hi Ho.

Bought a pair of new shoes the other day - clerk said they might be a bit tight the first couple of days.

That’s fine I said - I’m not gonna wear them until Friday.

Why do golfers always bring a spare pair of pants?

They always get a hole in one.

A pair of twins were in a cake shop...

They were looking for a birthday cake but just couldn’t decide on a topping.

Twin 1: “I want chocolate”

Twin 2: “I want skittles”

Twin 1: “How about we do Rock Paper Scissors?”

Twin 2: “Why would I want that on my cake?”

Robert, age 80, always wanted a pair of authentic Texas cowboy boots.

So, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.

Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "notice anything different about me?"

Margaret, Age 75, looked him over. "Nope."

Frustrated, Robert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and wal...

For our recent field trip, our teacher told us that jeans were appropriate, but we weren’t allowed to wear pairs with holes in them.

I still don’t know how we’re supposed to get the darn things on!

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Stop saying “grow a pair”

Balls are weak. Instead say “grow a vagina” - coz it can take a pounding

A pair of newlyweds are having marriage problems.

They decide to meet with the Rabbi in order to prevent the termination of their very short relationship. The Rabbi asks the husband, "What has brought you to the point where you are not able to keep this marriage together?"

The husband says, "In the six weeks we've been together, we haven't b...

I bought a pair of shoes from a drug dealer today

Isnt it funny what you can find in pharmacies' gift/novelty shops?

A battery and a pair of jumper leads walk into a bar.

Battery: three drinks now!

Bartender: I'm not severing you.

Battery: why not!

Bartender: because you and your mates look like you're about to start something.

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Doctor sees a pair of twins in the hospital cafeteria...

**Doctor sees a pair of SIAMESE twins in the hospital cafeteria...**



He walks up to them and says, "May I join you?"



The twins say, "Are you out of your fucking mind?!"

I got a new pair of gloves today

But there was some kind of mistake they were both left handed now on one hand that's great, but on the other it's just not right

Anyone know a good pair of scissors?

Mine just aren’t cutting it

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I had an odd hunch that my brother would watch horror-themed clown porn in the park. So i bought a pair of binoculars with a 5280 feet capability, and used them to view his usual bench from afar. When he finally sat down and pulled out his phone, my suspicions were confirmed

I saw It cumming from a mile away

What do you call it when a pair of Egyptians fart simultaneously?

A Tutankhamen

Wore two pairs of socks to the golf course today

Just incase I got a hole in one.

My wife gave birth to a pair of twin and named the first boy Pete and first girl Kate

I named the second one Repeat and Duplikate

How many animals can fit in one pair of pantyhose?

10 little piggies, two calves, one ass, one beaver, a few thousand hares, a camel's toes and the scent of a dead fish

Girl, I want to wear you like a pair of sunglasses...

One leg over each ear...

Angels came down and gave me a new pair of Levi’s

I guess I’m blessed with good jeans

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My friend offered me a pair of egyptian coffins in return for a blowjob...

But I don't want two sarcophagi.

I know a pair of Chinese-American Twins

One of them, Ving, is a childhood friend of mine. I'm not particularly close with his sister, Ling, but we get along.

One day, Ving tells me he wants to change his name to "Lee". He thinks it'll help him fit in more, as it's a more American name. Ling, who's proud of her heritage and traditio...

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A young man wanted to buy a pair of expensive gloves for his sweetheart’s birthday...

He went to an expensive boutique, bought
the finest gloves available, and asked the saleswoman to have
them delivered along with a note he had written. Unfortunately,
the clerk mixed up the order while wrapping the merchandise.
Instead of the expensive gloves, the clerk accidentally wr...

What di you call a white pair of binoculars?

Albinoculars.

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Why do golfers wear two pair of pants?

In case they get a hole-in-one (i know that this joke is shit)

A pair of Amish girls visiting NYC decide to try hot dogs for the first time

They buy two hot dogs wrapped in foil from a street vendor and sit down on a nearby bench, excited to finally try this modern cuisine.

The first girl opens the foil, blushes with embarrassment, and shyly asks the second girl, "What part of the dog did you get?"

I have 600 legs, 30 arms, a pair of wings, and 1000 eyes. What am I?

A liar.

Based on a True Story: A breeding pair of crocodiles ate two European tourists in Australia

This actually happened back when I was a kid in the 90's: A French photographer and his friend from Czechoslovakia got too close to a nesting site and were attacked and consumed by a pair of crocodiles in Australia. The female ate the Frenchman.

The Czech was in the male.

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I made a promise to my new pair of underpants.

I shit you not.

My daughter made a giant pair of shears from outdated computer parts in art class at school

She called it “Cutting hedge technology”

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What does the Chineese Govt and a pair of used anal beads have in common?

CENSORED

What do you call narrator's favorite pair of pants?

Long story shorts.

What do you call a pair of drunk ghosts ?

Methalated Spirits

Last Christmas my parents got me a pair of flip flops with matchbox cars glued to the bottom..

Cheap Skates!

How does a pair of jeans cool it's self off?

It pants.

A Man walks up to a pair of ladies in Downtown London

Man: “Good Afternoon are you ladies from England?”

One of the Ladies “Wales”

Man: “My apologies...Are you Whales from England”

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I saw my first pair of tits at school today

whoever said homeschooling sucks was wrong

A dad joke is just a pair of back to back sentences.

Welcome to the punitentiary.

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I've just been watching a pair of blue tits in the garden.

I told the wife it was too cold for sunbathing!

What do you call a pair of banana peels?

Slippers!

In high school I was best friends with a pair of Chinese twins, Ving and Ling.

Ving truly hated his name and wanted to change it to Lee, as in Bruce Lee, but Ling kept trying to convince him not to do it since it was a big part of their heritage.
One day he decided it was finally time to go through with it, so me and Ling accompanied him to the courthouse, while Ling kept...

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I bought a cake that looks like a pair of breasts.

So I can have my cake and eat tit.

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I brought my wife a pair of shoes and a dildo for Christmas this year

So if she don’t like the shoes she can go fuck herself

An ancient Greek walks into his tailor’s shop with a pair of torn pants

“Euripides?” says the tailor.

“Yeah, Eumenides?” replies the man.

A blonde walked into a shoe shop and saw a pair of shoes made from alligator skin...

A blonde walked into a shoe shop and saw a pair of shoes made from alligator skin that she liked.

“How much for these shoes?” – she asked the store manager.

“$300” – he replied.

“That’s too expensive! Can’t you bring the price down?” – the blonde.

The store manager said h...

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Why did the pair of hands stop being friends?

One was a professional jerk off

I'm considering buying a pair of stripper pants

Think I'd pull em off

A blonde really wanted a pair of crocodile shoes

So she ordered a trip to Australia, and went hunting.

After two weeks she said:

-Damn, if the next crocodile i shoot doesnt have any shoes on, i give up!

A golfer was thinking of bringing an extra pair of pants.

He figured it's not a bad idea, just in case he got a hole in one.

Santa gave me a whip, a pair of handcuffs and a gag for Christmas last year.

I'm not sure what to expect after being naughty this year.

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I used to know a pair of exterminators...

We had an older guy, named Rick, and his younger rookie partner, named Bill. Bill wasn't very good at the job at first... he could never figure out where to spray for bugs, since he didn't know where they'd be. The first time he told Rick about this problem, Rick told him "if there's a place or a th...

A man in Ancient Greece tears a pair of his favorite tunics...

He brings them into the local tailor and sets them on the counter. The tailor looks at the tunics, then looks at the man, and says "Hey, Euripides?" The man looks at the tunics, then at the tailor, and says "Yeah, Eumenides?"

A pair of newlyweds go golfing...

A pair of young newlyweds decide to go golfing at an upscale resort. They get up early Sunday morning, load up their clubs, and drive the hour and half to the remote location. On the first tee, they are astounded to see multi-million dollar homes lining the course, the rising sun catching stained pl...

I bet you’d like a pair of clogs

Wooden shoe?

I was listening to a conversation on a pair of broken headphones

The conversation was pretty one-sided though...

" Doctor, doctor I keep getting this crazy idea that I'm a pair of curtains!."

"For God's sake man, just go home and pull yourself together"

I lost the election to a pair of socks.

I can taste defeat.

A man takes a pair of shoes back to the shop and complains that there is a lace missing.

“No,” argues the assistant, “look at the label – it says Taiwan.”

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An old woman took her husband to the doctor. The doctor checked the husband's pulse, then told the woman, "I'm sorry, your husband is dead."

The woman was shocked. "I don't believe it. Are you sure? I want to be absolutely sure, are there any other tests you can do?"

The doctor responded, "I'm quite sure, but if you'd like we do have some alternative tests that we can perform."

"YES! I have to be absolutely certain."
...

I have a special pair of pants for when I get cross faded.

They’re high wasted.

Quantum entanglement is not hard to understand:

Socks come in pairs. If you put a sock on your left foot, the other sock of the pair instantly becomes the “right sock,” no matter where it is located in the universe.

A pair of Jesuits started a flower shop...

A pair of Jesuits started a flower shop, with prices so below-cost that no other shop could compete. Several of the other shop owners tried to kill the brothers, but they always failed. Eventually, the other shop owners pooled their money to hire the most clever and expensive assassin in town, Hugh ...

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"Hey, check out that nice pair of tits," says the older man to the teenager beside him.

"What are the common and scientific names?"

"Baeolophus bicolor, or tufted titmouse" says the college student. "I love birdwatching, professor! Thanks for pointing those out!"

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I've bought the wife a pair of crotchless knickers ready for Halloween.

There's nothing sexual in it, it's just that she'll get a better grip on her broomstick.

So an Army Ranger wants himself a pair of Gator Boots...

But this being an Army Ranger, he's not just going to buy himself a pair of boots, no, he's gonna make his own. So he heads down to Louisiana and makes his way to the bayou. He finds a nice little bait shop, buys himself a nice knife, and asks the shop owner where he can find himself a decent size g...

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"I slept with a pair of 18 year old twins last night!" - said a young man to his best mate. 'Wow, awesome!' replied his mate. "How could you tell them apart?". "Easy, Janet paints her nails red..."

"... and Bob has a cock".

What does a revolving door and a pair of pantyhose have in common?

My grandma needs a lot of help getting out of them.

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(LONG) 1lb Butter, 1 Gallon of Milk, 1 Pair of Rubber Pants.

One day, a man was traveling through a small town and needed a place to stay for a couple days. He stopped by the local hotel but they were full. A man standing nearby stated that there was a couple in town who sometimes let people stay at their house, so he went to check it out.

Sure enough,...

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As I knelt down in the shoe shop with a pair of shoes in front of this sexy blonde, I couldn't resist a quick glance up her short skirt...

"Hey pervy!" she said. "I bet the only reason you work here is to look up girls' skirts, isn't it?!"

"That's absolutely ridiculous!" I said. "I don't even work here!"

Twins come in pairs....

Redditors come in coconuts.

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My girlfriend has a cracking pair of boobs.

Her eczema is getting worse.

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My wife has a cracking pair of tits!

That new eczema cream doesn’t seem to be working.

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I have a pair of shoes which are almost exactly like anal sex

Painful at first but then pleasantly comfortable once you get into it

Doctor, doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains!

Shut up.

What do you get when two different pairs of similar angles get in a car accident?

a wrecked angle


(This took me one 20 minute shower to think out)

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NO SEX TONIGHT!

I've never quite figured out why the sexual urges of men and women differ so much.

And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing or why men think with their head and women with their heart.

For example… One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed.

We...

How does a blind man ask for a pair of scissor?

He still can talk you dummy!

A young sales clerk removed an old mans sunglasses and insisted he tries on a new pair.

"I can't see myself wearing these" said the old man.

"Why not?" asked the clerk.

"Because I'm blind".

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Why is the area between a woman's chest and hips called a waist?

...because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.

Why do Mexicans always cross the border in pairs?

The sign says no tres-passing

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