Robert, age 80, always wanted a pair of authentic Texas cowboy boots.

So, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.

Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "notice anything different about me?"

Margaret, Age 75, looked him over. "Nope."

Frustrated, Robert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and wal...

I bought a pair of shoes from my drug dealer...

I don’t what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.

Based on a True Story: A breeding pair of crocodiles ate two European tourists in Australia

This actually happened back when I was a kid in the 90's: A French photographer and his friend from Czechoslovakia got too close to a nesting site and were attacked and consumed by a pair of crocodiles in Australia. The female ate the Frenchman.

The Czech was in the male.

Girl, I want to wear you like a pair of sunglasses...

One leg over each ear...

What do you call it when a pair of Egyptians fart simultaneously?

A Tutankhamen

Why did the golfer wear 2 pairs of pants?

Incase he got a hole in 1...

Scientists have a grown a pair of vocal cords in a laboratory.....

The results speak for themselves..

What do you call a pair of drunk ghosts ?

Methalated Spirits

How does a pair of jeans cool it's self off?

It pants.

A Man walks up to a pair of ladies in Downtown London

Man: “Good Afternoon are you ladies from England?”

One of the Ladies “Wales”

Man: “My apologies...Are you Whales from England”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What does the Chineese Govt and a pair of used anal beads have in common?

CENSORED

What do you call narrator's favorite pair of pants?

Long story shorts.

A dad joke is just a pair of back to back sentences.

Welcome to the punitentiary.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why do golfers wear two pair of pants?

In case they get a hole-in-one (i know that this joke is shit)

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A young man wanted to buy a pair of expensive gloves for his sweetheart’s birthday...

He went to an expensive boutique, bought
the finest gloves available, and asked the saleswoman to have
them delivered along with a note he had written. Unfortunately,
the clerk mixed up the order while wrapping the merchandise.
Instead of the expensive gloves, the clerk accidentally wr...

I know a pair of Chinese-American Twins

One of them, Ving, is a childhood friend of mine. I'm not particularly close with his sister, Ling, but we get along.

One day, Ving tells me he wants to change his name to "Lee". He thinks it'll help him fit in more, as it's a more American name. Ling, who's proud of her heritage and traditio...

I'm considering buying a pair of stripper pants

Think I'd pull em off

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My friend offered me a pair of egyptian coffins in return for a blowjob...

But I don't want two sarcophagi.

As a golfer, I always think it's better to wear two pairs of pants

In case you get a hole in one.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So back in the day I used to bang a pair of twins...

So my buddy asked how I could tell them apart.

Well one wore pink nail polis

And the other had a dick.

A pair of Amish girls visiting NYC decide to try hot dogs for the first time

They buy two hot dogs wrapped in foil from a street vendor and sit down on a nearby bench, excited to finally try this modern cuisine.

The first girl opens the foil, blushes with embarrassment, and shyly asks the second girl, "What part of the dog did you get?"

What do you call a pair of banana peels?

Slippers!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I made a promise to my new pair of underpants.

I shit you not.

Last Christmas my parents got me a pair of flip flops with matchbox cars glued to the bottom..

Cheap Skates!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I saw my first pair of tits at school today

whoever said homeschooling sucks was wrong

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I've just been watching a pair of blue tits in the garden.

I told the wife it was too cold for sunbathing!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

How many animals can you fit into a pair of spandex

Two calves, an ass, a lot of hares, a camel toe and a fish nobody can find.

I got a new pair of gloves today, but they're both 'lefts'...

Which, on the one hand is great, but on the other it's just not right

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I brought my wife a pair of shoes and a dildo for Christmas this year

So if she don’t like the shoes she can go fuck herself

My daughter made a giant pair of shears from outdated computer parts in art class at school

She called it “Cutting hedge technology”

I have 600 legs, 30 arms, a pair of wings, and 1000 eyes. What am I?

A liar.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I bought a cake that looks like a pair of breasts.

So I can have my cake and eat tit.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why did the pair of hands stop being friends?

One was a professional jerk off

What's the difference between the beginning of the small intestine and a pair of jeans?

One is a duodenum, and the other is a denim duo.

A blonde really wanted a pair of crocodile shoes

So she ordered a trip to Australia, and went hunting.

After two weeks she said:

-Damn, if the next crocodile i shoot doesnt have any shoes on, i give up!

An ancient Greek walks into his tailor’s shop with a pair of torn pants

“Euripides?” says the tailor.

“Yeah, Eumenides?” replies the man.

Santa gave me a whip, a pair of handcuffs and a gag for Christmas last year.

I'm not sure what to expect after being naughty this year.

I bet you’d like a pair of clogs

Wooden shoe?

A pair of newlyweds go golfing...

A pair of young newlyweds decide to go golfing at an upscale resort. They get up early Sunday morning, load up their clubs, and drive the hour and half to the remote location. On the first tee, they are astounded to see multi-million dollar homes lining the course, the rising sun catching stained pl...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I used to know a pair of exterminators...

We had an older guy, named Rick, and his younger rookie partner, named Bill. Bill wasn't very good at the job at first... he could never figure out where to spray for bugs, since he didn't know where they'd be. The first time he told Rick about this problem, Rick told him "if there's a place or a th...

A golfer was thinking of bringing an extra pair of pants.

He figured it's not a bad idea, just in case he got a hole in one.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

How many animals can you fit in a pair of pantyhose?

A couple calves, an ass, ten little piggies, a beaver, a shit load of hares, and a fish that no one can seem to find!

What do you call a pair of exotic birds that eat other birds?

Toucannibals

A man in Ancient Greece tears a pair of his favorite tunics...

He brings them into the local tailor and sets them on the counter. The tailor looks at the tunics, then looks at the man, and says "Hey, Euripides?" The man looks at the tunics, then at the tailor, and says "Yeah, Eumenides?"

In high school I was best friends with a pair of Chinese twins, Ving and Ling.

Ving truly hated his name and wanted to change it to Lee, as in Bruce Lee, but Ling kept trying to convince him not to do it since it was a big part of their heritage.
One day he decided it was finally time to go through with it, so me and Ling accompanied him to the courthouse, while Ling kept...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man walks into a costume party in nothing but a pair of blue jeans

The host asks him, "What are you supposed to be?"

He responds, "I'm a premature ejaculation."

The host says, "Umm... I don't completely understand."

"Well," the man says, "I just came in my pants."

I have a special pair of pants for when I get cross faded.

They’re high wasted.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Shots are like pairs of chromosomes

If you have more then 23 you are probably going to be retarded

I was listening to a conversation on a pair of broken headphones

The conversation was pretty one-sided though...

A blonde walked into a shoe shop and saw a pair of shoes made from alligator skin...

A blonde walked into a shoe shop and saw a pair of shoes made from alligator skin that she liked.

“How much for these shoes?” – she asked the store manager.

“$300” – he replied.

“That’s too expensive! Can’t you bring the price down?” – the blonde.

The store manager said h...

A man takes a pair of shoes back to the shop and complains that there is a lace missing.

“No,” argues the assistant, “look at the label – it says Taiwan.”

" Doctor, doctor I keep getting this crazy idea that I'm a pair of curtains!."

"For God's sake man, just go home and pull yourself together"

A pair of Jesuits started a flower shop...

A pair of Jesuits started a flower shop, with prices so below-cost that no other shop could compete. Several of the other shop owners tried to kill the brothers, but they always failed. Eventually, the other shop owners pooled their money to hire the most clever and expensive assassin in town, Hugh ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I've bought the wife a pair of crotchless knickers ready for Halloween.

There's nothing sexual in it, it's just that she'll get a better grip on her broomstick.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

"I slept with a pair of 18 year old twins last night!" - said a young man to his best mate. 'Wow, awesome!' replied his mate. "How could you tell them apart?". "Easy, Janet paints her nails red..."

"... and Bob has a cock".

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

(LONG) 1lb Butter, 1 Gallon of Milk, 1 Pair of Rubber Pants.

One day, a man was traveling through a small town and needed a place to stay for a couple days. He stopped by the local hotel but they were full. A man standing nearby stated that there was a couple in town who sometimes let people stay at their house, so he went to check it out.

Sure enough,...

Doctor, doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains!

Shut up.

I went to the opticians today and got a pair of new glasses,

my observational comedy has got a lot better.

A young sales clerk removed an old mans sunglasses and insisted he tries on a new pair.

"I can't see myself wearing these" said the old man.

"Why not?" asked the clerk.

"Because I'm blind".

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My wife has a cracking pair of tits!

That new eczema cream doesn’t seem to be working.

So an Army Ranger wants himself a pair of Gator Boots...

But this being an Army Ranger, he's not just going to buy himself a pair of boots, no, he's gonna make his own. So he heads down to Louisiana and makes his way to the bayou. He finds a nice little bait shop, buys himself a nice knife, and asks the shop owner where he can find himself a decent size g...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My girlfriend has a cracking pair of boobs.

Her eczema is getting worse.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

"Hey, check out that nice pair of tits," says the older man to the teenager beside him.

"What are the common and scientific names?"

"Baeolophus bicolor, or tufted titmouse" says the college student. "I love birdwatching, professor! Thanks for pointing those out!"

Twins come in pairs....

Redditors come in coconuts.

Why do white girls always walk in pairs of threes?

Because they literally can't even.

I'm teaching my friend to play poker...

...but he came to me yesterday with a problem. He says "I've been trying to play at the casino and I swear I just can not get away with a bluff for the life of me. It's like they know what I have every time"

Considering myself to be a pretty decent teacher, I think that's strange, so I go ove...

I saw a pair of scissors with rounded blades the other day, and you know what I thought?

What’s the point.

Quantum entanglement is not hard to understand:

Socks come in pairs. If you put a sock on your left foot, the other sock of the pair instantly becomes the “right sock,” no matter where it is located in the universe.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I was checking for lumps and found a perfectly formed pair of testicles.

God knows what they were doing in my mash potatoes though.

How does a blind man ask for a pair of scissor?

He still can talk you dummy!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I have a pair of shoes which are almost exactly like anal sex

Painful at first but then pleasantly comfortable once you get into it

What did the male Caterpillar say to the female Caterpillar?

Nice pair of legs, pair of legs, pair of legs, pair of legs, pair of legs, pair of legs, pair of legs, pair of legs, pair of legs, pair of legs, pair of legs, pair of legs, pair of legs, pair of legs, pair of legs, pair of legs, pair of legs, pair of legs, pair of legs, pair of legs, pair of legs, p...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

As I knelt down in the shoe shop with a pair of shoes in front of this sexy blonde, I couldn't resist a quick glance up her short skirt...

"Hey pervy!" she said. "I bet the only reason you work here is to look up girls' skirts, isn't it?!"

"That's absolutely ridiculous!" I said. "I don't even work here!"

Saw a screenplay about the life of a pair of eyeglasses

It was a myopic biopic

My wife came rushing in out of the garden and said, "There's a pair of my knickers missing off the washing line."

I said, "I know, the two kids from next door have them." She said, "The dirty little perverts." I said, "It's nothing like that, they mentioned something about building a hammock."

What does a revolving door and a pair of pantyhose have in common?

My grandma needs a lot of help getting out of them.

What do you get when two different pairs of similar angles get in a car accident?

a wrecked angle


(This took me one 20 minute shower to think out)

[Long] boudreaux and thibodeaux were a pair of good old country boys.

Boudreaux grew up to be a baptist pastor and thibodeaux became a catholic priest. These good friends even had their churches right across the street from each other.

Well one day boudreaux was putting a sign in his church yard and that thibodeaux was putting up the exact same one. The both s...

How do you know it’s time for a new pair of shoes?

The homeless guy gives you back change for your dollar

A couple of policeman tried to arrest me for wearing a pair of humongous bear gloves.

I told them to check the Second Amendment.

Guy goes to his shrink and says, "I think I'm a French pair of shoes!"

The shrink replies, "What makes you chaussures?"

Borrowed a pair of my stepdad’s socks the other day

He said to be careful as they were his lucky golfing socks.

“They have a hole in one.”

Today, I picked up my first pair of running shoes.

May God have mercy on my Sole.

An overweight man calls a fitness company and orders their three stage weight loss course. The next day, there's a knock on the door and standing before him, an athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck...

The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."

Without a second thought, he takes off after her.

A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally gives up.

The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.

On the fifth day, he weighs him...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A wife came home early and...

One day, a wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. Naturally, she was very upset.

“You are a disrespectful pig!” she cried. “How dare you do this to me! I’m a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I’m leaving you. I want ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I'm going to get her a pair of slippers and a dildo for Secret Santa.

If she doesn't like the slippers, she can go fuck herself.

(heard at work)

A pair of twins in a nursery home are both turning 100

One twin has bad hearing and the other can hear fine. A news reporter comes to take a picture of them for the newspaper. The reporter says

"I need you guys to sit on the sofa"

"What'd he say?" Said the woman with bad hearing

"He said to sit on the sofa" said the twin with good ...

I bought a pair of drums without any drumsticks, so I decided to bolt them together.

I figured if you can't beat them, join them.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why is the area between a woman's chest and hips called a waist?

...because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.

I got this new pair of jeans and they're really stretchy so I call them my dancing pants...

because of the ballroom.

Why do Mexicans always cross the border in pairs?

The sign says no tres-passing

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

When I was a kid, my mom always used to tell me to put a clean pair of socks on, everyday...

By the time Saturday rolled around, I could hardly even fit in my shoes...

A pair of obviously wasted jumper cables walks into a bar

and says to the bartender "gimmie a drink buddy."
The bartender looks him up and down and says, "alright, I will give you one drink. But you better not start something!"

My girlfriend asked me if I bring an extra pair of socks when I play golf.

With a confused look I replied, "No."
She said "What happens if you get a hole in one?"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Imagine a pair of breast carved in a tree

It would be weird, wooden tit ?

I got a pair of jeans for a buck

Idk what it wanted jeans for, but I'm a charitable friend to animals.

Why isn’t Taylor Swift a pair of congruent triangles?

Because there’s no ASS

I ordered a pair of sneakers from an online shopping site and found it to be defective.

Is that an e-shoe?

Two men, Jim and John, are walking their dogs when they pass by a restaurant.

“Let’s go in and get something to eat,” Jim suggests.

“We can’t,” responds John. “Don’t you see the sign says No Pets Allowed?”

“Oh, that sign?” says Jim. “Don’t worry about it.”

Taking out a pair of sunglasses, he walks up to the door. As he tries walking into the restaurant, t...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Is she a virgin?

Paddy was planning to get married and asked his doctor how he could tell if his bride is a virgin. The doctor said, “Well, you need three things from a Do-It-Yourself Shop. A can of red paint, a can of blue paint… and a shovel. Paddy asked, “And what do I do with these, Doc?" The doctor replied, “Be...