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I was cleaning out my closet and found an old pair of jeans on the top shelf. Inside of them was a huge rubber penis. I showed my wife what I found and asked for an explanation.

She said, “Honey, you know I never lie. This way, when I tell you that you have a huge cock in your pants, I’m not lying.”

A blonde walks into a shop and wants a pair of alligator boots.

The shopkeeper tells her they do not sell expensive items to blondes.

After becoming very frustrated with the shopkeepers attitude the blonde declares. FINE ILL JUST GO CATCH AN ALLIGATOR AND GET MY OWN BOOTS!

The shopkeeper replied why don't you just try young lady with a smirk.
...

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"Grow a pair" is a terrible metaphor for toughen up because testicles can't take a beating

Instead people should say "Grow a dick" because men beat theirs every night, and every morning it's standing back up harder than it was before

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Pairs of parrots

A lady goes to her parish priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots but they only know how to say one thing." "What do they say?" the priest inquired. "They say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?'" the woman said embarrassingly. "That's ob...

Why does a golfer need to bring two pairs of pants golfing?

In case there’s a hole in one.

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My wife witnessed two bears having sex through a pair of binoculars.

She saw them coming a mile away.

A wife goes on a retreat for work for a few days. When she returns and enters the house, she puts her things away and then goes to do some much needed laundry. Upon her entry to the room, however, she finds a pair of panties on the floor that do not belong to her!

Furious, she questions her husband.

The husband says, "I have no idea where they came from I don't do the laundry, the maid does!"

The wife calms down and says, "Oh! So maybe these belong to the maid, could be she was doing her laundry here."

"Nah," said the husband musingly, "s...

What do you get when you leave a pair of dentures in the freezer overnight?

Frost bite

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So I told my mom this girl had a pair of great tits, and she smacked me.

I wonder why she hates birds so much.

What has 50 pairs of eyes but only three teeth?

The front row at a Trump rally.

If you walk around the office with a pair of scissors...

You could literally cut ties whit all your coworkers.

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What do you call a pair of cum stained pants?

Bukkahkis

A guy walks into a bar with a pair of jumper cables

The bartender says “look, I’m gonna serve you, but you better not try to start anything “

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Gorilla removal service.

This guy wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in a tree near his house. He looks in the phone book for a gorilla removal service until he finds one.

"Is it a boy or girl Gorilla?" the service guy asks.

"Boy," is the man's response.

"Oh yeah, I can do it. I'll be right there", ...

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A guy walks into a costume party wearing nothing buy a pair of blue jeans

The host comes up to him and asks, "What are you supposed to be?"

"I'm a premature ejaculation," he responds.

"I don't understand."

"Oh, I just came in my pants."

So this guy has a pair of bunnies

So this guy has a pair of bunnies, and the bunnies are really old. One day he wakes up and both the bunnies have died. He's really sad, and he can't stand the thought of never seeing them again, so he puts them in a silk-lined box and takes them down to the local taxidermy shop. He sets the box on t...

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Why was the woman who stole the pair of breast implants arrested?

Identitty Theft

I just got a new job and I start tomorrow. This morning I realized I needed a new pair of shoes and a new shirt.

I got up, drank some coffee went to Walmart. The sign on the door said, "NO SHOES, NO SHIRT, NO SERVICE" so I went home.

An Ancient Greek walks into his tailor’s shop with a pair of torn pants.

“Euripides?” Says the tailor.
“Yeah, Eumenides?” Replies the man.

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I saw a girl with 6 pairs of boobs the other day

Sounds weird dozen tit ?

I bought a pair of shoes from a drug dealer today.

No clue what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.

I used to have a nice pair of golf shoes.

Until I got a hole in one.

What do you call a pair of crows?

An attempted murder.

I just got a pair of the worlds smallest handcuffs!

Wedding rings sure are expensive.

“Honeyyyy, on your way down can you bring me down a pair of socks please?”

Husband: “Sure no problem!”

Wife: “Thanks! Ermmmm...babe, one of these socks is black and the other is white. Jeez do I have to do everything myself?!”

Husband: “Don’t waste your time. The pair upstairs is exactly the same.”

I made a pair of gloves out of clocks and watches, but they’re too heavy to wear.

I guess I’ve just got too much time on my hands.

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A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband's keys in the door. "Stay where you are", she said. "He would be so drunk that he would hardly notice".

The husband lurched in the bed and within a few minutes, slept.

A few minutes later the woman, (unsatisfied), asked her lover to continue.

The man was too scared so the woman said, "He is so messed up I'll pull out one of his butt hairs and he won't move a bit". So she did and He did...

I was in a shoe shop today trying out a new pair of sneakers

I said to the assistant, ‘It’s too tight’.

She said, ‘Try it with the tongue out.’

I said, ‘It’th nho ghood, it’th thtill thoo thigh!’

A work uniform is a lot like a pair of pajamas...

Usually somebody else buys them for you, it's one of the few outfits you'll wear where the top is the same color as the bottoms, you might not wash them after every single wearing, and it can lead to depression if you're in them for more than 8 hours a day.

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A Labour politician, a BBC TV reporter and a British SAS soldier were captured by ISIS...

They were, as usual, sentenced to death by beheading.

Unexpectedly, the ISIS leader said they could have one last request before their sentence was carried out...

The Labour politician asked to hear a rendering of "Keep the Red Flag Flying Here".

The BBC TV reporter asked that t...

A Pair of Rabbits

A wild rabbit was caught and taken to a National Institute of Health laboratory. When he arrived, he was befriended by a rabbit that had been born and raised in the lab.

One evening the wild rabbit noticed that his cage hadn't been properly closed and decided to make a break for freedom. He i...

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What do you call the space between a pair of fake breasts?

Silicon Valley

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What do the Seven Dwarfs say when they meet a pair of prostitutes?

Hi Ho, Hi Ho.

I bought a pair of shoes from a drug dealer today

Isnt it funny what you can find in pharmacies' gift/novelty shops?

What do you call a night of loneliness paired with a new Nintendo?

The ol’ bate and Switch.

A Spanish man walks into a department store

A Spanish man who spoke no English went into a department store to buy socks. He found his way to the menswear department where a young lady offered to help him.

"Quiero calcetines" said the man.

"I don't speak Spanish, but we have some very nice suits over here." said the salesgirl....

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An old woman took her husband to the doctor. The doctor checked the husband's pulse, then told the woman, "I'm sorry, your husband is dead."

The woman was shocked. "I don't believe it. Are you sure? I want to be absolutely sure, are there any other tests you can do?"

The doctor responded, "I'm quite sure, but if you'd like we do have some alternative tests that we can perform."

"YES! I have to be absolutely certain."
...

Bought a pair of new shoes the other day - clerk said they might be a bit tight the first couple of days.

That’s fine I said - I’m not gonna wear them until Friday.

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Frustrated by a world of moral decay, a man decided that he wanted a pure, innocent woman for his wife.

So he went to church in the hope of finding someone who had not been corrupted by modern society. After two weeks, he met a charming girl and took her back to his place for the ultimate test. Whipping out his manhood, he asked her: ‘What’s this?’

‘A cock,’ she replied.

Disappointed by ...

Robert, age 80, always wanted a pair of authentic Texas cowboy boots.

So, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.

Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "notice anything different about me?"

Margaret, Age 75, looked him over. "Nope."

Frustrated, Robert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and wal...

Why do golfers always bring a spare pair of pants?

They always get a hole in one.

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A police officer sees an old lady dragging two large garbage bags down the sidewalk...

He takes a closer look and sees that one of the bags has a small tear in it and $20 bills are escaping from the hole every few yards. The officer approaches the lady and asks what's in the bags. "This one's filled with $20 bills", she replies. "Where did you get all that money?", the policeman enqui...

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A QUEEN and a famous porn star died on the same day

when they fronted up to St Peter he told them there was only one space left for that day, and they’d have to argue their respective cases.The horizontal humper ripped off her top and said, “These are the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I’m sure it will please him greatly to be able to gaz...

For our recent field trip, our teacher told us that jeans were appropriate, but we weren’t allowed to wear pairs with holes in them.

I still don’t know how we’re supposed to get the darn things on!

First Christmas Joke:

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. 'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes  Christmas to get into heaven.'

The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flick...

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Stop saying “grow a pair”

Balls are weak. Instead say “grow a vagina” - coz it can take a pounding

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NO SEX TONIGHT!

I've never quite figured out why the sexual urges of men and women differ so much.

And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing or why men think with their head and women with their heart.

For example… One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed.

We...

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Doctor sees a pair of twins in the hospital cafeteria...

**Doctor sees a pair of SIAMESE twins in the hospital cafeteria...**



He walks up to them and says, "May I join you?"



The twins say, "Are you out of your fucking mind?!"

Yesterday I got 3 IPhone Xs, two MacBooks and a pair of earpods all for $5

I got a great deal on that crowbar.

I got a new pair of gloves today, but they're both 'lefts'...

Which, on the one hand is great, but on the other it's just not right

Alan takes his wife fishing

On a usual trip he catches 10-15 fish. He's gobsmacked when the pair of them manage a haul of over 100! He decided to enter them both into the local fishing competition.

The day of the competition rolls around, and each of the Anglers take it in turns. The first man is a big beefy lad, and he...

Little Tommy was born as just a head, no arms, no legs, no body.

One day he turns to his Mom and says, “Mommy Mommy, if I’m a good boy all year and I eat all my vegetables will Santa bring me a body for Christmas?” “We’ll see!”, says Mom. The year goes by and Christmas arrives, Little Tommy wakes up bright and early to discover, right below his neck, a torso. He ...

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The Pretzel hold

For years, there has been the champ, and nobody has been able to beat him because of his "pretzel hold". Eventually, this wrestler was good enough to beat the champ, except for the pretzel hold. He got his chance, and took to the ring. Within Minutes, he was slammed into the Pretzel hold, and the cr...

A battery and a pair of jumper leads walk into a bar.

Battery: three drinks now!

Bartender: I'm not severing you.

Battery: why not!

Bartender: because you and your mates look like you're about to start something.

How many animals can fit in one pair of pantyhose?

10 little piggies, two calves, one ass, one beaver, a few thousand hares, a camel's toes and the scent of a dead fish

A wise man advised a pediatrician and a physician not to follow his advice.

This became a paradox for a pair of docs.

2 paramedics

Is a pair of medics

3 men die and go to heaven

At the Pearly Gates they're greeted by Saint Peter

Saint Peter: I will let you into heaven if you can show me a spirit of Christmas

The first man pulls out a leaf from his pocket and says "this represents the Christmas tree"

He is allowed into heaven

The second man pull...

I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday.....

She said "Nothing would make me happier than a pair of diamond earrings" so I got her nothing

Why did the worm leave the Apple?

Because Noah said to travel in pairs

Why can Doctor Who never help himself out in the past?

It would make a pair of docs.

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Bob goes to the zoo

One day, Bob decided to go to the zoo. When he got to the ape cage, he found himself looking at a big male ape, who was staring right back at him. When he scratched his head, so did the ape.

Noticing this, Bob decided to have some fun. So he started to scratch under his arms and jump aro...

What do you call it when a pair of Egyptians fart simultaneously?

A Tutankhamen

Anyone know a good pair of scissors?

Mine just aren’t cutting it

A young guy gets paired with an elderly stranger for a round of golf

A young guy gets paired with an elderly stranger for a round of golf. They're on the fifth green, the old guy is lining up a putt, when they notice a funeral procession passing by the course.

The man backs away from the putt, removes his cap, bows his head for a quick prayer, crosses himself...

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I had an odd hunch that my brother would watch horror-themed clown porn in the park. So i bought a pair of binoculars with a 5280 feet capability, and used them to view his usual bench from afar. When he finally sat down and pulled out his phone, my suspicions were confirmed

I saw It cumming from a mile away

Girl, I want to wear you like a pair of sunglasses...

One leg over each ear...

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My friend offered me a pair of egyptian coffins in return for a blowjob...

But I don't want two sarcophagi.

Why did the seamen cross the road?

Because I put on the wrong pair of socks

Everyone knows how Bert the Brown Nose reindeer got his name, but nobody knows how Rudolph did

Rudolph the regular nose reindeer was on sabbatical and took a brief trip through Portland Maine.

While Rudolph and his life partner Gary were there, they spotted a fortune teller on the other side of the street. As the pair crossed the road, a truck carrying industrial red naval paint swerv...

2 Irish men get the idea to sell crocodile shoes

2 Irish men get the idea to sell crocodile shoes after seeing an expensive pair in a Dublin City shop.

They fly to Africa, set up beside a notorious crocodile infested lake and go to work.

After a long day the 2 men have left a long line of dead crocodiles all along the lake shore.
...

My wife gave birth to a pair of twin and named the first boy Pete and first girl Kate

I named the second one Repeat and Duplikate

Based on a True Story: A breeding pair of crocodiles ate two European tourists in Australia

This actually happened back when I was a kid in the 90's: A French photographer and his friend from Czechoslovakia got too close to a nesting site and were attacked and consumed by a pair of crocodiles in Australia. The female ate the Frenchman.

The Czech was in the male.

"Hey man, do you think it'd be possible to build two piers next to each other?"

"no way, that's a pair o' docks!"



No idea if that's been posted before, just came up in my head and I don't think I seen anyone else make it

Angels came down and gave me a new pair of Levi’s

I guess I’m blessed with good jeans

Don't step on a duck

St. Peter is assisting applicants to heaven three at a time. He's leading the latest trio around, showing them the best clouds, where to get the best harps, best wing cleaning service etc.

One guy has a complaint, though. "What's with all these ducks? They're everywhere and getting underfoo...

I know a pair of Chinese-American Twins

One of them, Ving, is a childhood friend of mine. I'm not particularly close with his sister, Ling, but we get along.

One day, Ving tells me he wants to change his name to "Lee". He thinks it'll help him fit in more, as it's a more American name. Ling, who's proud of her heritage and traditio...

I have 600 legs, 30 arms, a pair of wings, and 1000 eyes. What am I?

A liar.

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Why do golfers wear two pair of pants?

In case they get a hole-in-one (i know that this joke is shit)

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The Rich Man and The Poor Man

Tony tells this in an episode of The Sopranos:

A rich man and a poor man have the same wedding anniversary. Every year they meet on Madison Avenue, when they're shopping for their wives. The poor man says to the rich man, "What'd you get your wife this year?" Rich man says, "I got her a huge ...

A sailor brings his boat up to a restaurant dock to eat lunch.

The dock hand says, “I’m sorry, sir, but I can’t let you dine here today. This establishment has a necktie policy, and you are not wearing one.”

“Of course I don’t have a tie on,” replied the sailor, “I’m on a boat!”

“Well, go down below and put one on,” said the dock hand.

“I d...

Three men sat around a table in a bar and talked about their wives.

The first man says, "I think my wife is having an affair with an electrician. When I got home last night I found a pair of pliers and some insulating tape behind the radiator in the bedroom - we've not had any work done on the house, and I can't think of any other way they could have got there".
...

My daughter made a giant pair of shears from outdated computer parts in art class at school

She called it “Cutting hedge technology”

Racing a bear

Two campers are walking through the woods when a huge brown bear suddenly appears in the clearing about 50 feet in front of them. The bear sees the campers and begins to head toward them. The first guy drops his backpack, digs out a pair of sneakers, and frantically begins to put them on. The second...

A pair of Amish girls visiting NYC decide to try hot dogs for the first time

They buy two hot dogs wrapped in foil from a street vendor and sit down on a nearby bench, excited to finally try this modern cuisine.

The first girl opens the foil, blushes with embarrassment, and shyly asks the second girl, "What part of the dog did you get?"

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A young man wanted to buy a pair of expensive gloves for his sweetheart’s birthday...

He went to an expensive boutique, bought
the finest gloves available, and asked the saleswoman to have
them delivered along with a note he had written. Unfortunately,
the clerk mixed up the order while wrapping the merchandise.
Instead of the expensive gloves, the clerk accidentally wr...

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Blonde joke that you never heard before

After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the young blonde declared, "Well, then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of alligator shoes for free!'

The shopkeeper replied with a sly smile, "Well, little lady, why don't you go give...

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I made a promise to my new pair of underpants.

I shit you not.

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An old man tsks at his great-grandson playing Fortnite

"This is what you kids do for fun these days? Why back in my day, we'd go to the Moulin Rouge in Paris, fuck all the dancers, piss all over the bar, and leave without paying!"

He didn't think anything more of it until a month later when his great-grandson limped into his house on a pair of cr...

Last Christmas my parents got me a pair of flip flops with matchbox cars glued to the bottom..

Cheap Skates!

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What does the Chineese Govt and a pair of used anal beads have in common?

CENSORED

A soldier ran up to a nun

Out of breath he asked, "Please, can I hide under your skirt. I will explain later." The nun agreed... A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, "Sister, have you seen a soldier?" The nun replied, "He went that way." After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt an...

In 1964, a couple of former St. Louis Cardinals baseball stars were on vacation in Wales....

Red Schoendienst and Stan Musial decided to head to the UK on vacation with their wives after the 1964 Major League Baseball season. The two had retired as players the year before and had just finished their first full season as members of the staff - Musial as vice president, Schoendienst as a coa...

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More pearly gates.............

Dolly Parton and Queen Elizabeth went to the Pearly Gates on the same day.


They both met with an Angel to find out if they would be admitted to Heaven.
The angel said "Unfortunately, there's only one space in Heaven today so I must decide which of one of you will be admitted." ...

What do you call narrator's favorite pair of pants?

Long story shorts.

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I once dated a girl with severe Eczema...

She had a cracking pair of tits!

In high school I was best friends with a pair of Chinese twins, Ving and Ling.

Ving truly hated his name and wanted to change it to Lee, as in Bruce Lee, but Ling kept trying to convince him not to do it since it was a big part of their heritage.
One day he decided it was finally time to go through with it, so me and Ling accompanied him to the courthouse, while Ling kept...

What do you call a pair of drunk ghosts ?

Methalated Spirits

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A homeless man meets a rich man on Christmas Eve

The homeless man asks the rich man, "What'd ya get for your wife this year?" The rich man replies, "Diamond earrings and a Tesla." The homelesa man asks, "Why are you getting her two gifts?" The rich man says, "Well, if she doesn't like the earrings then she can drive to the store and exchange them....

How does a pair of jeans cool it's self off?

It pants.

The world's leading expert on European wasps walks into a record shop.

He asks the assistant “Do you have ‘European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2? I believe it was released this week.”
 

“Certainly,” replies the assistant. “Would you like to listen before you buy it?”


 "That would be wonderful," says the expert, and puts on a pair of headphones.
 ...

A Man walks up to a pair of ladies in Downtown London

Man: “Good Afternoon are you ladies from England?”

One of the Ladies “Wales”

Man: “My apologies...Are you Whales from England”

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The Broken Grandfather Clock

A man once owned a beautiful grandfather clock (well, he probably still does, but let's put that aside for now). Now, when I saw the grandfather clock was beautiful, I mean absolutely gorgeous. The clock stood nearly 6 feet tall, made from the most splendid mahogany wood, accompanied by intricate ha...

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I've just been watching a pair of blue tits in the garden.

I told the wife it was too cold for sunbathing!

A dad joke is just a pair of back to back sentences.

Welcome to the punitentiary.

A blonde walked into a shoe shop and saw a pair of shoes made from alligator skin...

A blonde walked into a shoe shop and saw a pair of shoes made from alligator skin that she liked.

“How much for these shoes?” – she asked the store manager.

“$300” – he replied.

“That’s too expensive! Can’t you bring the price down?” – the blonde.

The store manager said h...

What do you call a pair of banana peels?

Slippers!

I'm considering buying a pair of stripper pants

Think I'd pull em off

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I bought a cake that looks like a pair of breasts.

So I can have my cake and eat tit.

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A man and his son recently moved to Texas. One Saturday afternoon they decided to take a walk through the park. During the walk the boy sees 2 cowboys walk by.

“Dad, look at those bow-legged bastards!”

The father is surprised by this and tells his son that that is not very nice language to use.

A few minutes later, 2 more cowboys walk by and again the boy yells, “Dad, look at those bow legged bastards!”

The father, quite upset now turn...

Properly prepared

A man walked into his backyard one morning and found there was a gorilla in a tree. He called a gorilla-removal service, and soon a serviceman arrived with a stick, a Chihuahua, a pair of handcuffs and a shotgun. "Now listen carefully," he told the homeowner, "I'm going to climb the tree and poke t...

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I brought my wife a pair of shoes and a dildo for Christmas this year

So if she don’t like the shoes she can go fuck herself

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