For our recent field trip, our teacher told us that jeans were appropriate, but we weren’t allowed to wear pairs with holes in them.

I still don’t know how we’re supposed to get the darn things on!

When you bang a pair of identical twins at the same time.

What is a "Doppler Ganger?"

Why do golfers wear 2 pairs of pants?

In case they get a hole in one

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Doctor sees a pair of twins in the hospital cafeteria...

**Doctor sees a pair of SIAMESE twins in the hospital cafeteria...**

​

He walks up to them and says, "May I join you?"

​

The twins say, "Are you out of your fucking mind?!"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Stop saying “grow a pair”

Balls are weak. Instead say “grow a vagina” - coz it can take a pounding

How many animals can fit in one pair of pantyhose?

10 little piggies, two calves, one ass, one beaver, a few thousand hares, a camel's toes and the scent of a dead fish

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I had an odd hunch that my brother would watch horror-themed clown porn in the park. So i bought a pair of binoculars with a 5280 feet capability, and used them to view his usual bench from afar. When he finally sat down and pulled out his phone, my suspicions were confirmed

I saw It cumming from a mile away

Anyone know a good pair of scissors?

Mine just aren’t cutting it

Wore two pairs of socks to the golf course today

Just incase I got a hole in one.

My wife gave birth to a pair of twin and named the first boy Pete and first girl Kate

I named the second one Repeat and Duplikate

Angels came down and gave me a new pair of Levi’s

I guess I’m blessed with good jeans

Based on a True Story: A breeding pair of crocodiles ate two European tourists in Australia

This actually happened back when I was a kid in the 90's: A French photographer and his friend from Czechoslovakia got too close to a nesting site and were attacked and consumed by a pair of crocodiles in Australia. The female ate the Frenchman.

The Czech was in the male.

What do you call it when a pair of Egyptians fart simultaneously?

A Tutankhamen

Robert, age 80, always wanted a pair of authentic Texas cowboy boots.

So, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.

Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "notice anything different about me?"

Margaret, Age 75, looked him over. "Nope."

Frustrated, Robert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and wal...

I bought a pair of shoes from my drug dealer...

I don’t what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A young man wanted to buy a pair of expensive gloves for his sweetheart’s birthday...

He went to an expensive boutique, bought
the finest gloves available, and asked the saleswoman to have
them delivered along with a note he had written. Unfortunately,
the clerk mixed up the order while wrapping the merchandise.
Instead of the expensive gloves, the clerk accidentally wr...

What di you call a white pair of binoculars?

Albinoculars.

Scientists have a grown a pair of vocal cords in a laboratory.....

The results speak for themselves..

I know a pair of Chinese-American Twins

One of them, Ving, is a childhood friend of mine. I'm not particularly close with his sister, Ling, but we get along.

One day, Ving tells me he wants to change his name to "Lee". He thinks it'll help him fit in more, as it's a more American name. Ling, who's proud of her heritage and traditio...

How does a pair of jeans cool it's self off?

It pants.

What do you call a pair of drunk ghosts ?

Methalated Spirits

A Man walks up to a pair of ladies in Downtown London

Man: “Good Afternoon are you ladies from England?”

One of the Ladies “Wales”

Man: “My apologies...Are you Whales from England”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What does the Chineese Govt and a pair of used anal beads have in common?

CENSORED

What do you call narrator's favorite pair of pants?

Long story shorts.

Girl, I want to wear you like a pair of sunglasses...

One leg over each ear...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My friend offered me a pair of egyptian coffins in return for a blowjob...

But I don't want two sarcophagi.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why do golfers wear two pair of pants?

In case they get a hole-in-one (i know that this joke is shit)

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I've just been watching a pair of blue tits in the garden.

I told the wife it was too cold for sunbathing!

I got a new pair of gloves today, but they're both 'lefts'...

Which, on the one hand is great, but on the other it's just not right

A pair of Amish girls visiting NYC decide to try hot dogs for the first time

They buy two hot dogs wrapped in foil from a street vendor and sit down on a nearby bench, excited to finally try this modern cuisine.

The first girl opens the foil, blushes with embarrassment, and shyly asks the second girl, "What part of the dog did you get?"

Last Christmas my parents got me a pair of flip flops with matchbox cars glued to the bottom..

Cheap Skates!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I made a promise to my new pair of underpants.

I shit you not.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I saw my first pair of tits at school today

whoever said homeschooling sucks was wrong

A dad joke is just a pair of back to back sentences.

Welcome to the punitentiary.

What do you call a pair of banana peels?

Slippers!

My daughter made a giant pair of shears from outdated computer parts in art class at school

She called it “Cutting hedge technology”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I brought my wife a pair of shoes and a dildo for Christmas this year

So if she don’t like the shoes she can go fuck herself

An ancient Greek walks into his tailor’s shop with a pair of torn pants

“Euripides?” says the tailor.

“Yeah, Eumenides?” replies the man.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I bought a cake that looks like a pair of breasts.

So I can have my cake and eat tit.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why did the pair of hands stop being friends?

One was a professional jerk off

I lost the election to a pair of socks.

I can taste defeat.

What's the difference between the beginning of the small intestine and a pair of jeans?

One is a duodenum, and the other is a denim duo.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man walks into a costume party in nothing but a pair of blue jeans

The host asks him, "What are you supposed to be?"

He responds, "I'm a premature ejaculation."

The host says, "Umm... I don't completely understand."

"Well," the man says, "I just came in my pants."

I have 600 legs, 30 arms, a pair of wings, and 1000 eyes. What am I?

A liar.

A blonde really wanted a pair of crocodile shoes

So she ordered a trip to Australia, and went hunting.

After two weeks she said:

-Damn, if the next crocodile i shoot doesnt have any shoes on, i give up!

Santa gave me a whip, a pair of handcuffs and a gag for Christmas last year.

I'm not sure what to expect after being naughty this year.

I bet you’d like a pair of clogs

Wooden shoe?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I used to know a pair of exterminators...

We had an older guy, named Rick, and his younger rookie partner, named Bill. Bill wasn't very good at the job at first... he could never figure out where to spray for bugs, since he didn't know where they'd be. The first time he told Rick about this problem, Rick told him "if there's a place or a th...

A pair of newlyweds go golfing...

A pair of young newlyweds decide to go golfing at an upscale resort. They get up early Sunday morning, load up their clubs, and drive the hour and half to the remote location. On the first tee, they are astounded to see multi-million dollar homes lining the course, the rising sun catching stained pl...

A golfer was thinking of bringing an extra pair of pants.

He figured it's not a bad idea, just in case he got a hole in one.

In high school I was best friends with a pair of Chinese twins, Ving and Ling.

Ving truly hated his name and wanted to change it to Lee, as in Bruce Lee, but Ling kept trying to convince him not to do it since it was a big part of their heritage.
One day he decided it was finally time to go through with it, so me and Ling accompanied him to the courthouse, while Ling kept...

A man in Ancient Greece tears a pair of his favorite tunics...

He brings them into the local tailor and sets them on the counter. The tailor looks at the tunics, then looks at the man, and says "Hey, Euripides?" The man looks at the tunics, then at the tailor, and says "Yeah, Eumenides?"

What do you call a pair of exotic birds that eat other birds?

Toucannibals

A blonde walked into a shoe shop and saw a pair of shoes made from alligator skin...

A blonde walked into a shoe shop and saw a pair of shoes made from alligator skin that she liked.

“How much for these shoes?” – she asked the store manager.

“$300” – he replied.

“That’s too expensive! Can’t you bring the price down?” – the blonde.

The store manager said h...

I was listening to a conversation on a pair of broken headphones

The conversation was pretty one-sided though...

I have a special pair of pants for when I get cross faded.

They’re high wasted.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Shots are like pairs of chromosomes

If you have more then 23 you are probably going to be retarded

" Doctor, doctor I keep getting this crazy idea that I'm a pair of curtains!."

"For God's sake man, just go home and pull yourself together"

A pair of Jesuits started a flower shop...

A pair of Jesuits started a flower shop, with prices so below-cost that no other shop could compete. Several of the other shop owners tried to kill the brothers, but they always failed. Eventually, the other shop owners pooled their money to hire the most clever and expensive assassin in town, Hugh ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I've bought the wife a pair of crotchless knickers ready for Halloween.

There's nothing sexual in it, it's just that she'll get a better grip on her broomstick.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

"I slept with a pair of 18 year old twins last night!" - said a young man to his best mate. 'Wow, awesome!' replied his mate. "How could you tell them apart?". "Easy, Janet paints her nails red..."

"... and Bob has a cock".

What does a pair of dirty socks have in common with a land war in Asia?

The stench of de feet.

Doctor, doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains!

Shut up.

A man takes a pair of shoes back to the shop and complains that there is a lace missing.

“No,” argues the assistant, “look at the label – it says Taiwan.”

So an Army Ranger wants himself a pair of Gator Boots...

But this being an Army Ranger, he's not just going to buy himself a pair of boots, no, he's gonna make his own. So he heads down to Louisiana and makes his way to the bayou. He finds a nice little bait shop, buys himself a nice knife, and asks the shop owner where he can find himself a decent size g...

Why do white girls always walk in pairs of threes?

Because they literally can't even.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My girlfriend has a cracking pair of boobs.

Her eczema is getting worse.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My wife has a cracking pair of tits!

That new eczema cream doesn’t seem to be working.

A young sales clerk removed an old mans sunglasses and insisted he tries on a new pair.

"I can't see myself wearing these" said the old man.

"Why not?" asked the clerk.

"Because I'm blind".

Twins come in pairs....

Redditors come in coconuts.

Quantum entanglement is not hard to understand:

Socks come in pairs. If you put a sock on your left foot, the other sock of the pair instantly becomes the “right sock,” no matter where it is located in the universe.

What does a revolving door and a pair of pantyhose have in common?

My grandma needs a lot of help getting out of them.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

"Hey, check out that nice pair of tits," says the older man to the teenager beside him.

"What are the common and scientific names?"

"Baeolophus bicolor, or tufted titmouse" says the college student. "I love birdwatching, professor! Thanks for pointing those out!"

I saw a pair of scissors with rounded blades the other day, and you know what I thought?

What’s the point.

I'm teaching my friend to play poker...

...but he came to me yesterday with a problem. He says "I've been trying to play at the casino and I swear I just can not get away with a bluff for the life of me. It's like they know what I have every time"

Considering myself to be a pretty decent teacher, I think that's strange, so I go ove...

How does a blind man ask for a pair of scissor?

He still can talk you dummy!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I have a pair of shoes which are almost exactly like anal sex

Painful at first but then pleasantly comfortable once you get into it

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

As I knelt down in the shoe shop with a pair of shoes in front of this sexy blonde, I couldn't resist a quick glance up her short skirt...

"Hey pervy!" she said. "I bet the only reason you work here is to look up girls' skirts, isn't it?!"

"That's absolutely ridiculous!" I said. "I don't even work here!"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I was checking for lumps and found a perfectly formed pair of testicles.

God knows what they were doing in my mash potatoes though.

What do you get when two different pairs of similar angles get in a car accident?

a wrecked angle


(This took me one 20 minute shower to think out)

Saw a screenplay about the life of a pair of eyeglasses

It was a myopic biopic

My wife came rushing in out of the garden and said, "There's a pair of my knickers missing off the washing line."

I said, "I know, the two kids from next door have them." She said, "The dirty little perverts." I said, "It's nothing like that, they mentioned something about building a hammock."

[Long] boudreaux and thibodeaux were a pair of good old country boys.

Boudreaux grew up to be a baptist pastor and thibodeaux became a catholic priest. These good friends even had their churches right across the street from each other.

Well one day boudreaux was putting a sign in his church yard and that thibodeaux was putting up the exact same one. The both s...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why is the area between a woman's chest and hips called a waist?

...because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.

What did the male Caterpillar say to the female Caterpillar?

Nice pair of legs, pair of legs, pair of legs, pair of legs, pair of legs, pair of legs, pair of legs, pair of legs, pair of legs, pair of legs, pair of legs, pair of legs, pair of legs, pair of legs, pair of legs, pair of legs, pair of legs, pair of legs, pair of legs, pair of legs, pair of legs, p...

A couple of policeman tried to arrest me for wearing a pair of humongous bear gloves.

I told them to check the Second Amendment.

Borrowed a pair of my stepdad’s socks the other day

He said to be careful as they were his lucky golfing socks.

“They have a hole in one.”

How do you know it’s time for a new pair of shoes?

The homeless guy gives you back change for your dollar

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I'm going to get her a pair of slippers and a dildo for Secret Santa.

If she doesn't like the slippers, she can go fuck herself.

(heard at work)

Today, I picked up my first pair of running shoes.

May God have mercy on my Sole.

Guy goes to his shrink and says, "I think I'm a French pair of shoes!"

The shrink replies, "What makes you chaussures?"

An overweight man calls a fitness company and orders their three stage weight loss course. The next day, there's a knock on the door and standing before him, an athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck...

The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."

Without a second thought, he takes off after her.

A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally gives up.

The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.

On the fifth day, he weighs him...

Why do Mexicans always cross the border in pairs?

The sign says no tres-passing

I bought a pair of drums without any drumsticks, so I decided to bolt them together.

I figured if you can't beat them, join them.

I got this new pair of jeans and they're really stretchy so I call them my dancing pants...

because of the ballroom.

A pair of twins in a nursery home are both turning 100

One twin has bad hearing and the other can hear fine. A news reporter comes to take a picture of them for the newspaper. The reporter says

"I need you guys to sit on the sofa"

"What'd he say?" Said the woman with bad hearing

"He said to sit on the sofa" said the twin with good ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Imagine a pair of breast carved in a tree

It would be weird, wooden tit ?

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