After calling 5 different home security companies...
....I've decided it's cheaper to get robbed.
Three friends married women from different parts of the world…
The first man married a Greek woman. He told her that she was to do the dishes and clean the house. It took a couple of days, but on the third day he came home to see a clean house and the dishes washed and put away…
The second man married a Thai woman. He gave his wife orders that she was to...
This joke may contain profanity. 🤔
Guy dies and enters Heaven. Upon opening his eyes, he sees thousands of clocks on the walls. Also noticed that the minute and hour hands on each clock are turning at different speeds....some slow and some faster. Guy asks St Peter what the clocks mean.....[NSFW]
St Peter explains that every time you masturbated, the clock would turn one complete rotation. Guy asks where his clock is. St Peter replies, “we use your clock as a bathroom fan.”
The Secretary of Defense directed members of different services to secure a building.
The Navy personnel turned off the lights and locked the door.
The Army personnel occupied the building and ensured no one could enter.
The Marines attacked it, captured it, and set up defenses.
The Air Force secured a two-year lease with an option to buy.
My roommate in college always gave us advice on what drugs to try on different holidays.
He was the original trip advisor.
How are apples and orphans different?
Apples get picked
There’s 4 different types of human skin
One skin, two skin, three skin and...
What do you have to pick in order to embarrass yourself during a formal dinner, when given a choice of four different utensils for eating fish?
(I made this up when trying to go to sleep at 3 a.m., please don't judge me)
4 doctors from different countries go out for drink
A British doctor says: "In Britain, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's liver, put it in another man, and in 6 weeks, he is looking for a job."
The German doctor says: "That's nothing, in Germany we took part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he is looking for ...
A husband and a wife over their marriage had eight kids.One day the husband notices that their sixth kid, Billy, looks very different from the other seven.
The husband goes to his wife and asks her, “Honey, I noticed that Billy looks different from the other children, did you have an affair?”
The wife starts to break down into tears and nods her head.
The husband, heartbroken, quietly asks his wife, “So who is Billy’s father?”
How did Igor find out that he was different than everybody else?
He always had a hunch.
I always wondered why there were two different ways to spell Whiskey / Whisky.
Having been to Dublin, I now realise it's because the Irish like to drop an E in their drinks.
John and his girlfriend Mary decide to become bank-robbers.
Mary does the actual robbing at gunpoint inside the banks while John waits outside as the getaway driver. They are initially successful with a string of heists that make headlines and they become folk-heroes. Until one day their luck runs out and they get caught.
At trial, the judge condemns ...
3 people from different professions meet in a bar, and start discussing cars.
The first person, an astronaut, says: "Well, I'm an astronaut, so I drive a Saturn".
The second person says, "Well I'm a pimp, so I'd drive a cheap Escort."
Not to be outdone the last person says, "I'm a doctor, so I drive a brown Probe."
For an experiment, my son as been wearing a different Manchester United top for two weeks. So far he's been spat at, verbally abused, and punched...
God knows what will happen to him when he leaves the house.
Two Beggars in London. (NSFW)
Two beggars in London
Ali and Habib are beggars. They beg in different areas of London ...
Habib begs just as long as Ali does, but only collects £2 to £3 every day.
Ali brings home a suitcase FULL of £10 notes, drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house and has a lot ...