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Among Jokes

Why do chinese people love playing Among Us ?

Because thats the only place they can vote

Scientists have established a direct correlation between increased marijuana usage among husbands and the price of eggs.

They're both getting higher because not enough are getting laid

The reason the Air Force, Army, Navy and Marines bicker among themselves, is that, they don't speak the same language.

For instance, take the simple phrase - Secure the building.

The Army would post guards around the place.

The Navy would turn out the lights and lock the doors.

The Marines would kill everyone inside and set up headquarters.

The Air Force would take out a five year lease ...

Why is the political discussion in Alabama so respectful among the entire population?

It's all relative.

Two factory workers are talking among themselves.

The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off."

The man replies, "And how would you do that?"

To which the woman answers, "Just wait and watch."
She hangs herself upside down from the ceiling.

The boss comes in, takes a look at her and asks, "What are you doing?"...

Which Spice Girl is most popular among men?

Old Spice.

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Why are circumsized penises so popular among Jewish girls?

They love anything that's 15% off

Just a joke lol

Stewardess: "Are there any doctors among our passengers?"

A man stood up and followed the stewardess.

··· After several minutes.

Stewardess: "Are there any pilots among our passengers?"

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As the only married guy among my friends, a lot of them ask me is there sex after marriage?

Only in the dictionary, pal.

These bloody "Among Us" jokes have really run their course!

Sorry, I just had to vent.

There is a running joke among marathon runners ...

... that has even won some medals.

I have recently become known among friends and neighbors for being ruthless....



Stupid description for someone whose wife is named Ruth and who has filed for divorce.

I was stopped at a traffic light, and among the pedestrians crossing was my ex.

And I thought, "I'd hit that."

Pirates!

Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the sea, this captain and his crew were always in danger of being boarded by pirates from a pirate ship.

One day while they were sailing, they saw that a pirate ship had sent a boarding party. The first mate went running into the Captain's quarters and said,...

What is big, long, red, spews a liquid from an opening, generates a lot of excitement among people, adults get to have a big one and children get to have a smaller one, makes people wet and is usually associated with "hot", and is related to/contains words that begin with F and end with U,C,K?

A firetruck :D

whats the most common disease among communists?

Hammer and sickle cell anemia.

A lion gets bored of eating antelope...

So he decides to have bird for dinner. He dons a hippopotamus outfit and walks towards an eagle inside a group of hippos. As he gets closer, the bird spots him and flies away.

Undaunted, the lion puts on a zebra costume the next day, and walks towards the bird among a group of zebras. Once ag...

I just came up with this one, and I feel embarrassed, but... Researchers have found a personality trait common to all people missing a limb from birth, but NOT among amputees.

.. they're all stubborn.

John was in the fertilized egg business.

He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.

He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.

This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.
...

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3 vampires are having a competition to prove who's the most vicious vampire among them.

3 vampires are having a competition to prove who's the most vicious vampire among them.
The strongest one started 1st, "watch this," He said as he flies so fast, about 100 miles/hour. After only 10 minutes, he comes back with blood all over his mouth. "what happened?" they asked. "did you see tha...

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What is the most popular streaming service among men with a micro penis?

Peacock

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A king declares that all Jewish people must leave the kingdom, unless one can beat his priest in a contest.

The rules are simple: without saying a single word, the contestants must argue their faith until one concedes. Among the Jewish citizens, only one old man steps forward to compete.

The priest and the old man take the stage before a crowd, and the contest begins.

The priest raises his ...

It's my cake day, thought I'd share my favorite joke I like to tell

King Arthur was preparing to go out on an expedition and would be away from Camelot for an indefinite period of time. King Arthur was worried about leaving Queen Guinevere alone with all those Knights of the Round Table. So he went to Merlin for some advice.

After explaining his predicament t...

Two husbands were talking among themselves.

The first one said proudly, "My wife's an angel."

To which the second one replied, "You are lucky, mine is still alive."

Among the thousands of bees in a hive, how do you spot the Queen?

She's obeese.

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A callow youth walks into a talent scout’s office…

…gingerly cradling a cardboard box with some small holes poked in two sides.

After sitting nervously among a four-foot-tall sword swallower, a violinist with six-fingers on each hand, and a sexy contortionist named LuLu LaFrance who whispered something in his ear that turned him beet red, the...

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What's the traditional greeting among prostitute-accountants?

Tally ho!

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Scream

One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to show up so they can get under way.

The pilot and co-pilot finally appear in the rear of the plane, and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be bl...

My wife and I were having an argument the other day. She started name calling and not fighting fair, so I responded with "You're rubbish in bed" among other things.

A Few Hours Later At Work, I Felt Terrible About What I Had Said, So I Called Her To Apologize And I Asked Her, "What Are You Doing?"
And She Said, "I'm In Bed."

So I Said, "What Are You Doing This Late In Bed?"
And She Said, "I am doing a survey!"

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Who is the Boss ?

In an official delegates meeting of a so and so company Boss of that company decided to fire mrs.X in the upcoming 25th anniversary that is after 2 days.

So at the day of an anniversary. Somehow from the inside information got leaked and Mrs.X came to know about that at the beginning of the a...

I just realized Aang worked among the people instead of staying in seclusion (like the monks of the Air Nation).

This would make him an Air Friar.

This one is a bit of a long one so just bear with me. It is a joke commonly said among post soviet people

Stalin sits at his usual table, in the glorius kremlin studying the map of eastern germany. His pencil sitting proudly beside him. Comrade Stalin looks away for a split second, and the pencil is gone! Stalin takes out a second pencil and places it on the table. Looks the other way again and the seco...

Once, many many years ago, there was a fad among fast food restaurants

to put historical, sometimes military or industrial items in their front yards as a kind of attraction/plaything; an old howitzer or maybe even a train caboose that kids could inspect or climb on. Sometimes these unlikely things would be decorated with the characters or dishes of the food chain. For...

A guy enters a bar carrying an alligator and loudly announces, “I’ll place my genitals inside this alligator’s mouth…

…the gator will close his mouth for one minute, then open it, and I’ll remove my unit unscathed,” he says.

Now, he has the full attention of the bar!

Here’s the deal, he continues, “If this works, everyone buys me drinks.” There is a murmur among the patrons, and after a moment, they a...

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chiropractors and police officers

What's the difference between a chiropractor and a police officer? One takes a crack at it and then the customer goes home, and the other takes a crack addict and throws him in jail for a very long time. But it's not all differences though. They both offer temporary relief with not much data to prov...

Two generals

During WWII, the German and Italian General were standing on a cliff in Northern France, watching as the Allied Troop carrier ships were approaching the coast.

The German General yelled,

\- “Capitan, bring me my red coat.”

The surprised Italian General said,

\- “But a w...

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A girl was a prostitute, but she didn’t want her grandma to know.

One day, the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a sex party in a hotel and the girl was among them.

The police took them outside and had all the prostitutes line up along the driveway when suddenly, the girl’s grandma came by and saw her granddaughter.

Grandma asked, “Why ar...

An American man seeking peace among the religions of the East found a new guru.

After his new teacher had spoken for an hour on the importance of following one's inner nature along the path, the man interrupted to say: "I thought the idea was to lose one's desires and attain enlightenment."

"No, no," the teacher admonished. "That was Zen. This is Tao."

Biden has a higher approval rating among female voters than Trump

However it was the Mail voters that won Biden the Election.

My mom runs her own garage

She's an amazing mother but she makes the lamest jokes, which are a source of constant annoyance for me. After an exceptionally bad day (I woke up late, spilled coffee on my white shirt, my SUV was malfunctioning so I reached office late, the printer was jammed so I had to take printouts of the repo...

Bob the Builder dies and goes to heaven

But on the way he's kidnapped by Satan and dragged down to Hell. After a while, God realises Bob is missing and phones Satan to complain.

"Well," says Satan "he's doing a couple of little jobs for me. Just a bit of decorating. Then I'll send him up to you."

Time passes. Still no sign o...

A Gorbachev joke my dad told me a few years ago

Mikhail Gorbachev visits the US and meet with Ronald Reagan. They talk about how each country chooses their second in command. Gorbachev says that the Communist Party gives rigorous exams and screenings to choose the second in command. Reagan says he gives a test to figure out who to choose. He call...

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The mayor is worried about juvenile crime in the city, so he orders various groups to do something about it. Half a year later, they meet to discuss their results.

"We reached out to local schools and started youth programs to keep children busy and educate them on better behaviour. Our studies show that crime among participants fell by 15% compared to the control group."

"We increased police presence in affected areas to deter unlawful behaviour. Our o...

What is the highest religious authority among oranges called?

The Pulp.

In the early 1400's, a little town in France was down on its luck...

Unemployment was high, and everyone who needed money pretty much lived their lives in front of the job board in the middle of the town.

Well, one fine morning, the city priest walked to the center of town and posted a page that read, 'Help Wanted: Bell Ringer.' The groans that pervaded the cr...

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An anthropologist decides to study a particular Inuit tribe.

So he arranges to spend five years living among them. After about a year he hears talk of a secret society, but when he asks to join he's told no. Wanting to be thorough he persists, and eventually the tribal chief gives in. He tells the anthropologist "I have decided to allow you to join our societ...

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3 guys are hiking through the woods when they find a lamp

One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie.
It booms "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes." The first guy immediately blurts out "I want a billion dollars." POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact ...

My suspicions about corruption among trawlers has been confirmed

I knew something smelt fishy

There is an owl among us..

Friend: Who?

Me: Exactly, we have to be careful.. wait a second

What's the favored drink among coronavirus victims?

Coughy.

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TIL Smoking cannabis and drinking codeine infused solutions causes temporary memory loss and identity confusion among young lyrical artists.

That's why new rappers are always asking "What's my motherfucking name, y'all!"

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Due to the pandemic casual sex among young adults has been in decline

But ranked competitive sex has risen

Increasing expectation among military analysts in recent days:

United States to invade United States to install democracy

Ryan Reynolds, Randall Park, Birdy, Daisy Ridley, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Chris Evans, Margot Robbie, Mark Ruffalo, Taylor Swift, and Donald Trump are playing Among Us.

They start by picking a color.

Trump declares he is Orange: “ I will be Orange because that’s my skin color!”

Daisy then adds, “If you wanna ridicule yourself then fine, I’ll pick blue.

Taylor Swift: “Cyan for the sky.”

Mark Ruffalo: “Hulk green, Hulk pick GREEEEEEN!”
...

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Social experiment

Social researchers from Oxford devised an experiment to place three men from diverse cultures on an otherwise deserted island. They decided on one man from France, one from Germany, and one from Japan.

The German was told he is in charge of shelter, the Frenchman was put in charge of meals, a...

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A boob, vagina and asshole are having a debate on who is the greatest among all of them. Boob: I produce milk; Vagina: I produce babies;

why are you still reading? It is your turn to speak.

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Which US President was most popular among Spanish porn stars?

L.B.J.

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Personalities

1) Polite - farts and says "Pardon!"

2) Cynic - Farts while looking you directly in the eyes

3) Chivalrous - lets the lady fart first

4) Gourmand - Farts for his own pleasure

5) Sentimental - Farts and says "Oh..."

6) Idealist - farts out of conviction

7) C...

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Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"

"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and Tom Cruise shouts,

"Dave! What's happening? Great to see yo...

Among all the machines, the pulley is the most egotistical.

It’s always at the centre of a tension.

Mike Pence could never play Among Us

There’s too much sus Pence for him

So, I played Among Us with an italian...

He was the impasta

Quasimodo's mother returns from grocery shopping with, among the groceries, a large steel wok.

"Oh, mummy, this is wonderful," says Quasimodo. "I just love Chinese food!"

"It's not for cooking," says his mother, "it's for ironing your shirts."

A news headline reads: “Airliner crashes. No survivors expected…

Brazilian citizens among the dead”. I read it to my friend, and they exclaim: “OMG, how many is a Brazilian?!”.

How will we know when the Anti-Christ is among us?

He changes wine into water.

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So there I am, alone with my girlfriend. She leans closer and whispers in my ear. . .

"Tell me something you've never told anyone at all."

After a pause, I whisper back "I think the Owl People are already among us."

"Who?"

"Holy shit!"

The Chair

A man walks into his dining room. As he enters, he notices a strange looking wooden chair among some other chairs at a table.

“Huh, that’s strange.”

“What’s strange?” his wife asks, who just happened to be walking by while brushing her hair.

“That chair over there.”

“Whic...

Why can Einstein rank only 2nd among all physics?

Newton's first law

Breaking news! A group of ornithologists have recently published a study concerning the primary cause of death among Swallows:

Apparently, they don’t chew their food.

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Based on statistics, the most used sexual position among married couples is doggy style

The husband sits and begs, while the wife rolls over and plays dead.

(among us reference) you know what your dad and red had in common.

both of them escaped through the vents

Why is Among Us so popular in China?

Because its the only thing that lets them vote

What do you call an argument among Trump's staff?

Clash of klans.

Everyone has heard about Among US.

Hopefully there’s gonna be noone among EU.

Why does goku play as light blue in among us?

Because he is a cyan

There are hundreds of features on a brand-new BMW; heated seats, bluetooth audio, laser-headlights, etc... Which among them goes completely ignored?

The turn signals.

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Why a Merc is among the top rated cars

On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his Mercedes into a petrol station in a remote part of Irish countryside.
Pump attendant who knows absolutely nothin abt golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.
"Top of the mornin' to yer, sir" says ...

No wonder fortnite is so popular among school children

Who doesn’t love hopping off the bus and shooting everybody in sight?

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A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money

The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.
...

I want to play a real life game of Among Us at Home Depot

But I'm busy doing tasks in electrical.

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What’s the number one sexually transmitted disease among wizardry students?

Hog warts.

I heard the professional boxers are among the highest paid people in the world

Apparently my bosses at Amazon didn't get the memo

TIL: Among all US Presidents, Grover Cleveland had the shortest term.

He was the twenty second president.

What do you it call when Polish people can’t agree among themselves?

Polarized

Trump visits a pig farm.

Trump visited a pig farm and was photographed there. In a newspaper's office, a discussion is under way what should be the caption under the picture.

"President Trump among pigs," "President Trump and pigs," "Pigs around President Trump," -- all is rejected.

Finally the editor makes t...

A cob of corn finishes his service in the army and retires

as a Colonel in good standing among his field

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Once there was a women's bowling team. Everyone on the bowling team was so-so at bowling, with the exception of two women.

One of the two women was named Martha. Martha was absolutely abysmal at bowling. Every single game, she got at least nine gutter balls.

The other woman was Linda, and she was the best player who had ever set foot in the bowling alley. Every time the team won a bowling match, Linda was respons...

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A Finnish and a Japanese company decided to organize an annual rowing competition with 8-man teams.

A Finnish and a Japanese company decided to organize an annual rowing competition with 8-man teams. Both teams trained long and hard. When race day came, both teams thought they were in top shape, but the Japanese won by far in the mile.

After the defeat, a defeatist mood prevailed among the ...

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A Russian woman, a French woman and an American woman decides to have a contest on who has the biggest and deepest vagina among them...

The Russian woman went on first and inserted 2 fingers then pulled out her iPad.

The French woman next inserted her fist and pulled out her laptop.

Both women then turned their attention to the American woman who's sheepishly holding a quarter.

The American woman went on inserti...

What disease is the leading cause of death among potatoes?

Tuber culosis

Sorry for the potato quality

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Since self quarantine, masturbation has doubled among the population...

You know what they say desperate times call for desperate pleasures...

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Wondering why "cuck" has become the new insult of choice among basement dwellers and neck beards?

They finally found an insult that can never be used against them.

Shoot for the moon, if you miss you'll land among the stars is a good quote

Unless you're an astronaut.

COVID 19 infection is asymptomatic in children, but has an elevated fatality rate among the elderly.

They should call it "KO Boomer."

An Englishman goes on a hunting tour of the Americas. He first stops in Canada, where he shoots a large male grizzly bear

In order to ease the transportion of his trophy, the Englishman cuts the bear into pieces, seperating the legs, the arms and head from the torso. He then continues his tour southward crossing the border into the USA.

At the border a customs agent checks his belongings. "Sir," says the agent "...

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What do you call the chances of finding a kitten among a litter of puppies?

The PUSSYbility

As the new Baptist minister berated the congregation 'Yea be there any among you who commit adultery.'

'May your tongue cleave to da ruf o yo moufh.'

Recent studies suggest that subversion of expectations is the most effective type of humor among 13 - 40 year olds.

TIL

A Sports Medicine Physician went to Wrestlemania one year to study the rate of concussions among the performers.

While backstage, he bumped into John Cena, and asked him if any of the matches qualified for Continuing Medical Education credit.

The Doctor of Thuganomics looked the physiatrist dead in the eyes; paused, then slowly replied: "No. You can't CME."

The museum planned a special exhibit to show off their collection [Long]

The museum planned a special exhibit to show off the collection. They had a wide array of historical music instruments from as far back as the 16th century. The museum planned to arrange a concert with a harpsichord that belonged to Bach and a violin that belonged to Vivaldi, among many other instru...

Three vampires were arguing who is the strongest among them.

So they decided to test their strength practically.

The first vampire, being the young blood got up and said "I'm the strongest and I'll prove it". He stood up and flew very fast out of the window. A while later he came back with his mouth covered in blood. He arrogantly said "You guys see th...

Did you hear about the recent polio outbreak among Stormtroopers?

I guess it’s because they always miss their shots.

Why was El Chapo so popular among academics?

There were many *essays* around him

Heroin use among horses have grown

But finding the evidence is like finding a needle in a haystack.

A physician, an engineer, and a politician were discussing who among them belonged to the oldest of the three professions.

The physician said, "Remember, on the sixth day God took a rib from Adam and fashioned Eve, making him the first surgeon. Therefore, medicine is the oldest profession."

The engineer replied, "But, before that, God created the heavens and earth from chaos and confusion, and thus he was the fir...

What payment method is most common among Roman Catholics?

Paypapal.

So I've heard there's a heroin epidemic among white teens...

I guess they're used to shooting up to solve their problems

Linkin Park fought among themselves in choosing which ocean to take a cruise on.

The Pacific ocean was favored by Chester. The Atlantic was desired by Mike. The Arctic was appealing to Rob and Brad because it is an ocean they've never been to before. The Antarctic was chosen by Dave and Joe because they've heard tales of great sea creatures to see in that area. With great argume...

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