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Among Jokes

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Why are circumsized penises so popular among Jewish girls?

They love anything that's 15% off

Just a joke lol

Two factory workers are talking among themselves.

The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off."

The man replies, "And how would you do that?"

To which the woman answers, "Just wait and watch."
She hangs herself upside down from the ceiling.

The boss comes in, takes a look at her and asks, "What are you doing?"...

Stewardess: "Are there any doctors among our passengers?"

A man stood up and followed the stewardess.

··· After several minutes.

Stewardess: "Are there any pilots among our passengers?"

The reason the Air Force, Army, Navy and Marines bicker among themselves, is that, they don't speak the same language.

For instance, take the simple phrase - Secure the building.

The Army would post guards around the place.

The Navy would turn out the lights and lock the doors.

The Marines would kill everyone inside and set up headquarters.

The Air Force would take out a five year lease ...

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3 vampires are having a competition to prove who's the most vicious vampire among them.

3 vampires are having a competition to prove who's the most vicious vampire among them.
The strongest one started 1st, "watch this," He said as he flies so fast, about 100 miles/hour. After only 10 minutes, he comes back with blood all over his mouth. "what happened?" they asked. "did you see tha...

These bloody "Among Us" jokes have really run their course!

Sorry, I just had to vent.

What is the most common digestive issue among pathological liars?

IBS!!

What is the highest religious authority among oranges called?

The Pulp.

Why do chinese people love playing Among Us ?

Because thats the only place they can vote

A man's wife decides to take up meditation, among other things

The man asked his wife why she was doing meditation. And she answered that she was feeling lost and trying to find herself.

So the man went and printed out a map of their local area, then made a pen mark where their house was on the map with a caption that said "You are here". Then presented ...

Among all the machines out there, the pulley is the most egotistical.

It’s always the centre of a tension.

whats the most common disease among communists?

Hammer and sickle cell anemia.

Who is the most hate supporter among the Borussia Mönchengladbach football fans?

The guy who shouts out: "give me a B!!"

There is a running joke among marathon runners ...

... that has even won some medals.

Two husbands were talking among themselves.

The first one said proudly, "My wife's an angel."

To which the second one replied, "You are lucky, mine is still alive."

Why is the political discussion in Alabama so respectful among the entire population?

It's all relative.

Heroin use among horses have grown

But finding the evidence is like finding a needle in a haystack.

There is an owl among us..

Friend: Who?

Me: Exactly, we have to be careful.. wait a second

What's the favored drink among coronavirus victims?

Coughy.

What award goes to the eunuch who creates law and order among all the other eunuchs?

The no ball peace prize.

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What's the traditional greeting among prostitute-accountants?

Tally ho!

I have recently become known among friends and neighbors for being ruthless....



Stupid description for someone whose wife is named Ruth and who has filed for divorce.

What is big, long, red, spews a liquid from an opening, generates a lot of excitement among people, adults get to have a big one and children get to have a smaller one, makes people wet and is usually associated with "hot", and is related to/contains words that begin with F and end with U,C,K?

A firetruck :D

I was stopped at a traffic light, and among the pedestrians crossing was my ex.

And I thought, "I'd hit that."

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As the only married guy among my friends, a lot of them ask me is there sex after marriage?

Only in the dictionary, pal.

I just came up with this one, and I feel embarrassed, but... Researchers have found a personality trait common to all people missing a limb from birth, but NOT among amputees.

.. they're all stubborn.

Increasing expectation among military analysts in recent days:

United States to invade United States to install democracy

Mike Pence could never play Among Us

There’s too much sus Pence for him

So, I played Among Us with an italian...

He was the impasta

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Based on statistics, the most used sexual position among married couples is doggy style

The husband sits and begs, while the wife rolls over and plays dead.

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What is the most popular streaming service among men with a micro penis?

Peacock

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A boob, vagina and asshole are having a debate on who is the greatest among all of them. Boob: I produce milk; Vagina: I produce babies;

why are you still reading? It is your turn to speak.

Everyone has heard about Among US.

Hopefully there’s gonna be noone among EU.

Among the thousands of bees in a hive, how do you spot the Queen?

She's obeese.

My suspicions about corruption among trawlers has been confirmed

I knew something smelt fishy

Once, many many years ago, there was a fad among fast food restaurants

to put historical, sometimes military or industrial items in their front yards as a kind of attraction/plaything; an old howitzer or maybe even a train caboose that kids could inspect or climb on. Sometimes these unlikely things would be decorated with the characters or dishes of the food chain. For...

Biden has a higher approval rating among female voters than Trump

However it was the Mail voters that won Biden the Election.

Why is Among Us so popular in China?

Because its the only thing that lets them vote

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Which US President was most popular among Spanish porn stars?

L.B.J.

There are hundreds of features on a brand-new BMW; heated seats, bluetooth audio, laser-headlights, etc... Which among them goes completely ignored?

The turn signals.

No wonder fortnite is so popular among school children

Who doesn’t love hopping off the bus and shooting everybody in sight?

This one is a bit of a long one so just bear with me. It is a joke commonly said among post soviet people

Stalin sits at his usual table, in the glorius kremlin studying the map of eastern germany. His pencil sitting proudly beside him. Comrade Stalin looks away for a split second, and the pencil is gone! Stalin takes out a second pencil and places it on the table. Looks the other way again and the seco...

Why can Einstein rank only 2nd among all physics?

Newton's first law

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Why a Merc is among the top rated cars

On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his Mercedes into a petrol station in a remote part of Irish countryside.
Pump attendant who knows absolutely nothin abt golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.
"Top of the mornin' to yer, sir" says ...

How will we know when the Anti-Christ is among us?

He changes wine into water.

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Due to the pandemic casual sex among young adults has been in decline

But ranked competitive sex has risen

What do you call an argument among Trump's staff?

Clash of klans.

Why does goku play as light blue in among us?

Because he is a cyan

An American man seeking peace among the religions of the East found a new guru.

After his new teacher had spoken for an hour on the importance of following one's inner nature along the path, the man interrupted to say: "I thought the idea was to lose one's desires and attain enlightenment."

"No, no," the teacher admonished. "That was Zen. This is Tao."

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A girl was a prostitute, but she didn’t want her grandma to know.

One day, the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a sex party in a hotel and the girl was among them.

The police took them outside and had all the prostitutes line up along the driveway when suddenly, the girl’s grandma came by and saw her granddaughter.

Grandma asked, “Why ar...

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So there I am, alone with my girlfriend. She leans closer and whispers in my ear. . .

"Tell me something you've never told anyone at all."

After a pause, I whisper back "I think the Owl People are already among us."

"Who?"

"Holy shit!"

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Since self quarantine, masturbation has doubled among the population...

You know what they say desperate times call for desperate pleasures...

Why was El Chapo so popular among academics?

There were many *essays* around him

I just realized Aang worked among the people instead of staying in seclusion (like the monks of the Air Nation).

This would make him an Air Friar.

Quasimodo's mother returns from grocery shopping with, among the groceries, a large steel wok.

"Oh, mummy, this is wonderful," says Quasimodo. "I just love Chinese food!"

"It's not for cooking," says his mother, "it's for ironing your shirts."

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What’s the number one sexually transmitted disease among wizardry students?

Hog warts.

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I decided to sell some of my guns today

Times are rough, inflation is a bitch, and I need the cash so I decided to sell some of my guns.

I met the buyer at a public location, and being a responsible gun owner I decided to run a background check.

Within 5 minutes I discovered the buyer has a history of extortion, kidnapping, ...

(among us reference) you know what your dad and red had in common.

both of them escaped through the vents

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Why is hip hop popular among urban youth?

because it's the only time a black man can tell a crowd of white people to put their hands in the air.

So I've heard there's a heroin epidemic among white teens...

I guess they're used to shooting up to solve their problems

TIL: Among all US Presidents, Grover Cleveland had the shortest term.

He was the twenty second president.

While playing Among Us, why didn't Logan Paul report the dead body?

Because he was busy...

What disease is the leading cause of death among potatoes?

Tuber culosis

Sorry for the potato quality

Three vampires were arguing who is the strongest among them.

So they decided to test their strength practically.

The first vampire, being the young blood got up and said "I'm the strongest and I'll prove it". He stood up and flew very fast out of the window. A while later he came back with his mouth covered in blood. He arrogantly said "You guys see th...

I want to play a real life game of Among Us at Home Depot

But I'm busy doing tasks in electrical.

Did you hear about the recent polio outbreak among Stormtroopers?

I guess it’s because they always miss their shots.

What do you call a traitor among the musicians ?

An Orchestraitor

What do you say when you suspect the 'Son of God' to be the impostor in Among us?

Je-sus :)

What do you it call when Polish people can’t agree among themselves?

Polarized

What is the most common job among spiders?

Web designer.

I heard the professional boxers are among the highest paid people in the world

Apparently my bosses at Amazon didn't get the memo

Study finds that the most popular fetish among Millennial is...

Role playing as a couple that owns a house.

Among all the months there's one that leaves me doubtful.

May

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Wondering why "cuck" has become the new insult of choice among basement dwellers and neck beards?

They finally found an insult that can never be used against them.

Breaking news! A group of ornithologists have recently published a study concerning the primary cause of death among Swallows:

Apparently, they don’t chew their food.

The smartphone is now the number one hand-held unit among women

and second among men.

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The Plan

In the beginning, there was a plan
And then came the assumptions
And the assumptions were without form
And the plan without substance

And the darkness was upon the face of the Workers
And they spoke among themselves saying,
"It is a crock of shit and it sti...

Shoot for the moon, if you miss you'll land among the stars is a good quote

Unless you're an astronaut.

COVID 19 infection is asymptomatic in children, but has an elevated fatality rate among the elderly.

They should call it "KO Boomer."

Common ground among the German people

What are the German people in agreement with when discussing over-entitled children and expired sausages?

That Spoiled Brats are the Wurst

The penny is the most common among coins in circulation.

It's common cents.

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What do you call the chances of finding a kitten among a litter of puppies?

The PUSSYbility

I am so popular among girls that they wink at me all the time

I just don't understand why they do it with both their eyes at the same time

The competition is realy hard among the rubber manufacturers

The british manufacturer says: During the renovation of the Big Ben, a worker fell down from the top of the tower, but his braces hitched into a ledge, so he survived. The british rubber industry is the best.
The american says: That is nothing. When the empire state building was built a worker al...

What is the most common death among square dancers?

Over Do-se-do.

As the new Baptist minister berated the congregation 'Yea be there any among you who commit adultery.'

'May your tongue cleave to da ruf o yo moufh.'

Among all the politically incorrect jokes on this sub, here’s my favorite:

Benjamin Franklin was a great American President.

My wife and I were having an argument the other day. She started name calling and not fighting fair, so I responded with "You're rubbish in bed" among other things.

A Few Hours Later At Work, I Felt Terrible About What I Had Said, So I Called Her To Apologize And I Asked Her, "What Are You Doing?"
And She Said, "I'm In Bed."

So I Said, "What Are You Doing This Late In Bed?"
And She Said, "I am doing a survey!"

What is the most common blood type among pessimists?

B Negative.

Linkin Park fought among themselves in choosing which ocean to take a cruise on.

The Pacific ocean was favored by Chester. The Atlantic was desired by Mike. The Arctic was appealing to Rob and Brad because it is an ocean they've never been to before. The Antarctic was chosen by Dave and Joe because they've heard tales of great sea creatures to see in that area. With great argume...

My dad died last year. among the things he left us in his Legacy :

were some jump leads,

a tartan blanket

and the original Subaru owners manual.

White robe with a cone top was really popular among the members of KKK.

It was a cult classic.

A physician, an engineer, and a politician were discussing who among them belonged to the oldest of the three professions.

The physician said, "Remember, on the sixth day God took a rib from Adam and fashioned Eve, making him the first surgeon. Therefore, medicine is the oldest profession."

The engineer replied, "But, before that, God created the heavens and earth from chaos and confusion, and thus he was the fir...

What murder mystery is especially popular among mathematicians?

the Sin of 4

A Sports Medicine Physician went to Wrestlemania one year to study the rate of concussions among the performers.

While backstage, he bumped into John Cena, and asked him if any of the matches qualified for Continuing Medical Education credit.

The Doctor of Thuganomics looked the physiatrist dead in the eyes; paused, then slowly replied: "No. You can't CME."

I always wondered why there is such a high rate of divorce among tennis players

Then I realized love means nothing to them.

Ryan Reynolds, Randall Park, Birdy, Daisy Ridley, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Chris Evans, Margot Robbie, Mark Ruffalo, Taylor Swift, and Donald Trump are playing Among Us.

They start by picking a color.

Trump declares he is Orange: “ I will be Orange because that’s my skin color!”

Daisy then adds, “If you wanna ridicule yourself then fine, I’ll pick blue.

Taylor Swift: “Cyan for the sky.”

Mark Ruffalo: “Hulk green, Hulk pick GREEEEEEN!”
...

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chiropractors and police officers

What's the difference between a chiropractor and a police officer? One takes a crack at it and then the customer goes home, and the other takes a crack addict and throws him in jail for a very long time. But it's not all differences though. They both offer temporary relief with not much data to prov...

Stalin was visiting a town (actual joke from Soviet era)

Stalin was visiting a small town in Russia. Huge crowd was there to receive him, holding signs with words of praise for Stalin, Party, Union etc.

Among them, secret police officers spotted a particularly old man holding a sign saying "Thank you comrade Stalin, for a happy childhood!".
...

Arkansas ranks highly among other states in terms of depression and adultery

It's a sad state of affairs.

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I have a bet among my 4 friends who's going to have anal sex before the others

I came in turd.

Recent studies suggest that subversion of expectations is the most effective type of humor among 13 - 40 year olds.

TIL

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