Why can't dinosaurs clap their hands?

Cause they're dead.

Some Yank had the audacity to say us Texans were dumb for not having Snow Tires. Bless their heart.

We may not have as much experience as y'all Yanks when it comes to snow, but after tinkering with it a couple minutes I think all of us Texans can agree to try and make a tire out of snow is a pretty dumb idea.


We'll keep our tires made of rubber, thanks.

A teacher told her young class to ask their parents for a family story with a moral at the end of it, and to return the next day to tell their stories.

In the classroom the next day, Joe gave his example first, "My dad is a farmer and we have chickens. One day we were taking lots of eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the truck when we hit a big bump in the road; the basket fell off the seat and all the eggs broke. The moral of the stor...

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Two students are waiting to give their oral tests...

The first student's turn comes, and he goes inside

Examiner- Suppose you are traveling by train, and suddenly it gets hot, what will you do?

Student- I will open the window.

Examiner- Great, now suppose that the area of the window is 10 sq. ft, the volume of the car is 1000 cubi...

Since Facebook claims ownership of everything you post on their website

I think I should start uploading my bills.

A policeman was interrogating 3 guys who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first guys a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture I showed is his side profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second guy and ...

Ever wonder how a Jehovah’s Witness spreads their word during Covid?

Now that you’re here, do you have a moment to talk about our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ?

The Wife just rang to tell me "Three girls in the office have just received flowers from their Men, they're absolutely gorgeous"

I said......... "Thats probably why they received flowers!"

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Three new cellmates are contemplating their life sentences in prison.

The first guy pulls out a deck of playing cards and says, "Don't worry, guys. I brought these cards with me so that we can play poker to pass the time."

The second guy pulls out a harmonica and says, "I brought this harmonica so that I can play some music to cheer us up when we're feeling dow...

4 men are in the hospital waiting rooms, because their wives are having babies.

A nurse goes up to the first guy and says, “Congratulations, you’re a father of twins.”

The man says, “That’s a crazy coincidence, because I work for the Minnesota Twins.”

The nurse says to the second guy, “Congratulations, you’re the father of triplets.”

The man says, “That’s...

Amal and Juan are identical twins. Their mom only carries one baby photo in her wallet.

Because if you've seen Juan you've seen Amal.

I bought my friend an elephant for their room

They said "Thank you"

I said "Don't mention it"

Two elderly couples have their weekly meet up at a table in their local park.

They take a seat, the ladies chat with one another across the table, as do the gents.

Fred asks Harold "Are you still going to that memory clinic?"

Harold says "Yes, it's been helping my memory a lot, I recommend you come along to our next session"

"What do they do there?" asks ...

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A Jew, a Muslim, and a Jehovah's Witness were driving through the countryside when their car broke down.

The only house in the vicinity was an old farmhouse, so they decided to stay there for the night.

"I'm so sorry," said the farmer. "The bed in the guest room only has room for two people." So he volunteered the Jew to sleep in the barn.

Five minutes later, the farmer heard a knock on t...

Two nuns were riding their bicycles on a cobblestone road in Rome.

The first nun said, "I've never come this way before." The second nun responded, "It must be the cobblestones."

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A Greek and an Indian are having tea together trying to one-up each other on their historical achievements.

The Greek says "We have the Parthenon!"

The Indian replies "Well we have the Taj Mahal."

The Greek says "We gave birth to advanced mathematics!"

The Indian replies "But we invented the number zero."

The Indian says "We invented the caste system".

The Greek replies ...

A husband and wife are shopping in their local supermarket. The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart. "What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife. "They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans" he replies.

"Put them back, we can't afford them" demands the wife, and they carry on shopping.

A few aisles farther on, the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.

"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,...

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Two Army paratrooper recruits are talking about their first time jumping out of a plane.

FNG 1: How was your first jump today?

FNG 2: Well... I stood in front of the open door looking at the Earth flying by and turned to the Jump Master telling him that I couldn't do it. The JM said if I don't jump then he would fuck me in the ass.

FNG 1: Did you Jump???

FNG 2: A l...

My 4 yr Old son said "Daddy, why do people make up things that their children have said for social media?

Isn't it just inherently dishonest and indicative of inability to construct a compelling narrative themselves? "




Ps: This sub in a nutshell

Why do rednecks cut their sleeves off?

They have the right to bare arms

If I’m reading their lips correctly,

my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.

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An elderly couple were sitting on their front porch one evening, when the wife picks up her cane and whaps her husband across the shins.

"All right woman! What the hell was that for?" he yells.

"That's for 60 years of bad sex." she replies.

A few minutes later, the husband picks up his cane and whaps his wife across the shins.

"Ow!!" she yells. "What the hell was THAT for??"

The husband looks at her and...

My doctor friend is addicted to hitting people on their knees to test their reflexes.

He really gets a kick out of it.

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Why do men give cold women their jackets?

No man wants a blowjob from a woman with chattering teeth

Why does the Norwegians put sugar on their pillow?

To have sweet dreams!

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An 18-year old boy and his girlfriend are going camping for the weekend and plan to lose their virginity to each other

Bursting with excitement, the boy walks into a drug store to buy some condoms. He notices they come in packs of 3, 6, and 12.

He's a bit confused, so he calls the clerk over, and asks “Excuse me sir, but why are the condoms packaged this way?”

The kindly old clerk replies, with a sly g...

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Three shepherd go out into the field, prepared to take their flock to far away pastures...

There’s two old men and one young man who going out in his first long trek.

On the third evening, when they’re sitting around the campfire, the young man asks “hey guys tell me, what do you do if you get horny out here all alone?”

“We fuck the sheep” one old man tells him.

“Real...

How do you get Texas to regulate their power grid?

Rename it uterus.

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Men born with large balls should do their best to behave modestly

Otherwise people will think they’re egotesticle

Why did the elderly couple leave their camping trip disappointed?

Because the old man couldn’t pitch a tent.

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Do men look at their wives' faces during sex?

I did it once. She looked very angry while she was watching from the window. I would not recommend it.

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Grandpa takes little Johnny fishing one morning. They’re making their way across the lake in grandpas boat and Johnny asks,” hey grandpa, can I drive the boat?”

“Well let me ask you something Johnny, can your pecker touch your rear end?”, “no grandpa.” And that was that.

They reach their fishing hole and cast their lines. After a few minutes grandpa cracks open a beer. “Hey grandpa, can I have a sip of your beer?”, “Is your pecker long ...

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.

"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents." Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?" "Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, and then for the rest of the game, ...

There was an elderly couple who in their old age noticed that they were getting a lot more forgetful, so they decided to go to the doctor.

The doctor told them that they should start writing things down so they don't forget. They went home and the old lady told her husband to get her a bowl of ice cream. "You might want to write it down," she said. The husband said, "No, I can remember that you want a bowl of ice cream." She then told ...

Man.. you stomp on just one mouse till it's dead.. And everyone loses their mind and I get in a ton of trouble.

Disneyland sucks.

Some people refuse to admit their faults.

I would, if I had any.

A zoo purchased a female gorilla as their new start attraction.

However, she soon became very aggressive and very difficult to handle. Upon examination, the zoo veterinarian determined that the problem was she was in heat. With no male gorilla at the zoo, how could she be calmed down?

While reflecting on their problem, the zoo administrators noticed Davi...

Several churches started having problems with squirrels damaging their buildings.

The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded that the squirrels were predestined to be there, and they should not interfere with God’s divine will.

At the Baptist church, the squirrels had ...

A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for a few years. One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant.

Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to have the child. If she stayed in Italy, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but wondered how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discre...

After a bitter divorce, while cleaning out the attic to prepare for selling their dream home, a genie pops out of a dust covered item.

“I will grant you three wishes of anything your heart desires” says the genie, “but know that your ex will receive twice whatever you wish for”

Ok, I’m losing my dream home, I wish for the most glorious mansion complete with staff to serve my every whim.

DONE! You are the owner of one ...

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Two brothers are in their room one morning.

The older brother says, "Billy, I'm 9 and you're 6. We're practically men. So today when we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say hell and you're gonna say ass."

Billy nods his head in excitement and they go downstairs. The boys sit at the table and their mom greets them.

"Good ...

Not everyone gets a Handjob from their Barber

But not everyone cuts their own hair either.

Why do scientists don't have doorbells in their house?

Because they want to win no-bell prize¡

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A poor family lives on a farm and they rely on their chickens for income.

One morning, the father walks outside to find the chicken coop empty and the corpses of chickens on the ground.

"There’s nothing that could help get us out of poverty now," says the dad as he shoots himself.

The mom walks outside and sees the dad and the chickens on the ground.

...

How often do Jamaican farmers milk their cows?

Every udder day

What did communists use to light their homes before candles?

Electricity

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A newly wed deaf couple are setting ground rules on their honeymoon.

The bride says, “If you want to have sex with me massage my breasts. If you don’t tap my belly.”

The groom says, “That’s a great idea! If you want to have sex with me tug my penis, if you don’t tug it a 100 times.”

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3 race horses are having a drink at their local pub

They each talk about their recent races and victories,

The first horse says - "Guys, I had something weird happen at my last race. I was in the final straight running 5th and losing ground, I didn't think there was any chance I could get up and win. Then all of the sudden *PING* this burst of...

r/conservative is furious that their voices are being censored and that people are picking and choosing who can be heard

"This thread is for conservatives only"

All the comic books I inherited from my older brother had their last pages missing.

I had to draw my own conclusions.

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Two men are fishing one day, when the game warden approaches them and asked to see their fishing licenses.

One man takes off running at a full sprint, and instinctively the warden chases after him.

He chased the man over a hill and through a field, around the lake, and through the town, until finally he catches up with him.

“Aha! Gotcha! Now show me your fishing license!”

“Sure thin...

A man and his wife are discussing what they think their son will be when he grows up.

“I have an idea,” says the father. He puts a ten-dollar bill, a bottle of whiskey, and a Bible on the coffee table. “If he takes the money, he’ll be a banker. If he takes the whiskey, he’ll be a wino, and if he takes the Bible, that means he’ll be a preacher.”



So the man and his wife...

Steve and his mother were way behind on their car payments

The repo man had been after them for a while but hadn't successfully gotten the car yet. One day Steve had an idea for a "sting" operation to solve the problem once and for all. Before he left he shouted to his mom that he was taking the car, but she was in the bathroom and couldn't make out what he...

How do women like their eggs?

Ovaries-y

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Four surgeons are discussing their favorite patients to work on.

The first surgeon to speak says "librarians are my favorite; when you cut them open, everything inside is alphabetical filed."

The next surgeon replies "I prefer to work on accountants, because everything is in numerical order."

The third surgeon rebuttles "electricians are the best, w...

The Devil sat at the gates of hell... (Story Joke)

An old man suddenly arrived in a burst of flames, looking confused and lost. The Devil looked at his paperwork, and frowned. He was unable to find this old man’s data file.

“This can’t be right,” the old man grumbled, looking at the Devil, “I’ve been a good man my whole life.”

The Dev...

Three men go walking their dogs to go to the bar

Three men walking their dogs together walk to a bar that has a big sign saying "no dogs allowed"

The first man says "I'll have a drink" and walks in and when the bouncer points to the sign the man sticks his arm out straight and says "it's a seeing eye dog" and gets in

The second man,...

I was walking across the road and someone opened their window and threw a block of cheddar at me

I thought to my self,
“Well that wasn’t very mature.”

Why do the french wear their mask on the neck?

They don't want cou vide .

Where did the sith go to get their robes

The shopping maul

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What did the jam say to the bread after the failure of their relationship?

"Your deserve butter."

What do Polish women get, on their wedding day, that’s long and hard?

A last name!

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An old couple goes to their doctor

After his exam the doctor said to the elderly man, "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?"

"In fact, I do," said the old man. "After I have sex with my wife, the first time I am usually hot and sweaty, and then, after I have sex with...

When ordering food at a restaurant, I asked the waiter how they prepare their chicken.

“Nothing special,” he explained. “We just tell them they’re going to die.”

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It's odd that Thelma & Louise spend an entire film challenging sexist stereotypes,

then die at the end because of their terrible driving.

Did you see that their is a Medieval play about menstruation?

It's a period piece

What did the meat say to their kid?

you're a misteak!

[NSFW] After their wedding reception, the newly weds went to their hotel to check in.

"Do you have reservations?" the desk clerk asked.
"Only one" replied the man. "She says she won't do anal"

A mother asked her son to lose their cat somewhere in the jungle.

The boy obeyed. The boy returned home and reported to his mom.

Son: Mom! I led the cat far into the jungle. I even got lost!!

Mother: How were you able to come back home?

Son: I followed the cat.

Two boys were misbehaving... ...so their mother went to the local priest to look for advice. The priest thought it would be best if the boys learned integrity, by way of understanding that "God is everywhere, and He sees everything you do so you shouldn't misbehave."

The mother and the priest thought it best that the priest talked to the boys, so the mother agreed to take the boys in one at a time to talk to the priest.


She brought the first boy (Ray) to the church and left the second boy (Jim) at home. She took Ray into the priest's office and stay...

John and his girlfriend Mary decide to become bank-robbers.

Mary does the actual robbing at gunpoint inside the banks while John waits outside as the getaway driver. They are initially successful with a string of heists that make headlines and they become folk-heroes. Until one day their luck runs out and they get caught.

At trial, the judge condemns ...

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Strippers don’t have air conditioning in their homes.

............Onlyfans

An elderly couple was celebrating their 50th anniversary.

It was a beautiful thing to see.

Amid the jolly celebrations, the old man leaned closer to his wife and softly whispered, "Dear, we have been married for 50 years now, and I want to assure you that these past 50 years were the happiest time of my life. But there's one thing that has always be...

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An alien couple land their saucer in a farmer's field

They approach the house and explain to the farmer and his wife that they are intergalactic swingers. He asks them is they are ok to spend the night and then go back to their planet in the morning. The farmer and his wife talk it over and agree.

The male alien takes the farmer's wife into th...

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In elderly man and his wife are on their way to Florida for vacation.

He pulls into a gas station to refuel. As he's refueling, a guy at the next pump next pump says "I see you're from Ohio".

The man replies "Yes I am"

His wife (a little hard of hearing) yells out of the window "What'd he say"?

The husband say's "He noticed that we are from Ohio"....

I always ask people what their bad tattoo means

It usually means I’m about to get beat up

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Ole and Lena are drinking to beat the winter blues along with their neighbor, Sven.

All three of them are having a grand old time, when Ole noticed that they were quickly running out of booze. Ever the thoughtful gentleman, Ole bundles up and trudges to the liquor store.

Upon his return, Ole opens his front door only to see Sven and Lena bare naked and fucking on the couch....

Judge: "So, Mr Robot. Your neighbour accused you of stealing their electricity to power yourself. How do you pleade?"

Robot, the defendant: "Guilty as charged"

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After 10 years a wife started to think their child was looking strange.

So she did a DNA test and found out the child was not theirs. She told her husband what she had found out.

The husband replied, you don’t remember do you?!

When we were leaving the hospital the baby pooped and you told me to go and change him, so I went inside and got a clean one and ...

Leaving my kids a diss track as their inheritance

Call that an ill will

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Two 90-year-old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.

When it’s clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day.

One day Mike says,

“Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played football on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there’s football...

I saw someone on their phone while driving

I got so mad, I pulled right up beside them and threw my beer at them

When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90 % of their body...

men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.

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What did the drummer name their daughters?

Anna 1, Anna 2, Anna 3. They were shit at making names.

A retired man purchased a home near a high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace, then the new school year began...

...One afternoon early into the first semester, three loud young boys came down his street, beating merrily on every bin they came across. They then did so the following day and the day after that, until finally the retiree decided it was time to take some action.

The next afternoon, he walke...

For centuries the catholic church censored everything that wouldn‘t fit with their teachings.

You know what I call that?

Chancel culture!

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Why do ghost dogs always haunt us by dragging their butts across the ground?

They have unfinished business.

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Three men, aged 40, 60 and 80, discuss their sex lives

The 40-year old says: "When my wife and I were just married, we'd do it every single day. Any position you could imagine. But now I'm lucky if we can average once a week".

The 60-year old man responds: "Once a week? Just wait till you get to my age. Once a month is what I consider an active s...

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‘“Definitely’ is the word of the day class, we’re going to go around the room and see who can use the word definitely in a sentence.” Several kids raise their hands, one of which is dirty Johnny, he’s waving his hand and can’t set still... “ok, let’s try Amy, use the word definitely in a sentence.”

“The sky is definitely blue”, she says. The teacher says,”very good, the sky is definitely blue.” Ok, how about you Thomas?” Dirty Johnny can barely contain himself, writhing in in his desk, arm up in the air.... “rainbows are definitely beautiful”, says Thomas, “very good Thomas, rainbows are defin...

Rich people use their money and infleunce to avoid standing trials about their crimes

Jeffrey Epstein learnt this the hard way

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Why do girls rub their eyes when they wake up?

Because they got no balls to scratch.

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3 guys bet on who can make their wife scream more from sex

They make the bet and decide to all go home and have sex with their wives and compare results the next day.

Next day comes along and they meet to discuss. Guy #1 says “I fucked my wife so hard, she was screaming for like 20 minutes.” Guy #2 says “that’s nothing. I fucked my wife with a dildo...

I’m sick and tired of all these people farming karma on their cake day.

Anyways, an upvote would be appreciated.

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It pisses me off when people use the wrong there/their/they're.

Seriously is they're anything worse than that?

What do mermaids wash their fins with?

Tide.

I heard Netflix and Yahoo are merging. They are moving their HQ to Jerusalem.

They'll be known as Net 'n' Yahoo.

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She did what he said

The retiring mailman

The mailman who had been on the same route for 10 years was leaving the job.

He had made many friends on the route and decided to put a note in their mailboxes informing them.

Many on his route came out of their houses to wish him well and some even gave h...

In the late '80s, NBC's most popular sitcom was the Cosby Show, with ALF not far behind. Knowing what we know now, I guess you could call their weekly ratings battle

Alien vs. Predator.

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First year students at Medical School were receiving their first anatomy class

First year students at Medical School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body.

They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered in a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine,it is necessary to have two important qu...

Two gentlemen are walking through the West End on their way to a show. One turns to the other and says, “I have a feeling a large number of right-wing wazzocks are going to be there tonight. Trust me, you’ll see the...

Queue anon.

Ladies that eat Tide pods should be aware it could negatively affect their chances for a romantic relationship. Odds are likely that it will...

...detergents.

Why do farmers put bells on their cows?

Because their horns don’t work.

(From my 6yo who loves her new joke book.)

Did you hear about the family who hired a moving van to move their other, smaller moving van?

Yeah. There's a lot to unpack there.

What does a mathematician call their 80-year old grandmother?

An octagram.

Sergeant Wilson was appalled to discover that ten of his men were late arriving back at camp following their leave.

As he waited impatiently at the camp gates, one of his men finally ran up to him, panting heavily.

“Sorry, sir, I can explain,” said the soldier.

“Soldier, this better be good.” responded his sergeant.

So the soldier told Sergeant Wilson his story. “Sir, you see, I had a date, a...

A young engaged couple were very much lookimg forward to their marriage.

One Sunday afternoon they went out for a drive in the country, and had a terrible head-on collision with a heavy truck.

Suddenly they found themselves unexpectedly at heaven’s gates, to the surprise of St Peter also. “How come you two are here?” he asked, “You weren’t due here for another fif...

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Henry and Harriet where reminiscing about their 25yr marriage on their anniversary.

Suddenly Henry breaks down and begins sobbing uncontrollably. Shocked to see her husband showing such emotion she tries to console him.

"Talk to me Sweetheart. What's wrong?"

"Well, remember that day your Pa caught us in the barn having sex?"

"Oh my yes!"

"Remember what h...

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A father and son are hanging out in their living room watching TV

Suddenly the dad’s feet are cold and he asks the son to get him his slippers from upstairs.

While upstairs the son sees two of his sister’s friends so he goes up to both of them and says, "My Dad told me to come up here and fuck both of you".

“you're lying", They say

The son ...

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Ivy League School Principal, Mr. Marquez, and Community College Principal, Mr. Davidson, were arguing that their respective students were the most fearless.

Ivy League school principal called his students and asked them to jump in sea full of sharks.

They jumped.

Principal said: “See the guts…”

Community College principal called his students and asked them to jump.

They said: "Have you completely lost your marbles, Mr. Davids...

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Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking

Arlene: What in the hell is that?
Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Arlene: Where did you get it?
Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.
The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and
announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.<...

Mickey and Patrick are on their way home from the pub one evening, when Mickey finds a mirror on the ground...

Looking into the mirror he calls over to Patrick:

"Paddy, come and have a look.... this fella seems oh so familiar.."

Patrick grabs hold of the mirror and peers in:

"Ohhhh you stupid git" he says, "It's me!"

Never criticize someone until you have walked a mile in their shoes.

That way, when you criticize them, you'll be a mile away, and you'll have their shoes.

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There are three English football clubs with curse words in their name.

Arsenal FC, Scunthorpe United, and Fucking Manchester United.

What do you call a Mongol leader who swindles people out of their hard earned cash?

Ghengis Khan Man.

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A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5lbs weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck..

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can c...

What does the electronic music ambassador have in front of their house?

A Diplo-mat.

A young couple get married and have their first night together in their new home.

As they are undressing for bed, the husband hands the wife his pants.

"Here, try these on," he says.

"What? Why?" she says.

"Just put them on," he insists.

"They're way too big," she says. "I can't wear those."

"That's right," he says. "I wear the pants in this ma...

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Saw people having an argument on their canal boat.

Bit of argy bargy.

What did the cat reply with when their friend sent them a meme?

Lmeow

I used to visit a casino, until I found out their top floor restaurant served beef.

That meant the steaks were just too high for me.

What do princes wear on their feet?

Heir Jordans

A young woman boards a packed bus and goes: "Won't someone give their seat to a pregnant woman?"

As she looks around, a young man jumps up and offers his seat: "Here, sit down!"
With a sigh, she lets herself down on the seat and says "Thank you so much!". The young man: "I'm sorry, but it's not very visible yet. How long have you been pregnant?" She answers: "For about half an hour now. My k...

ALDI grocery stores have announced their new store brand peanuts.

ALDI’s nuts

I thought all the trees had broken when they lost their leaves last year. They're coming back now though.

What a re-leaf.

I saw someone spill their Scrabble letters all over the road the other day

I asked him, “Hey man, what’s the word on the street?”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] Why does the bar association code of ethics prevent sex between lawyers and their clients?

To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.

Teacher asks students for their favourite stand up comedians

Students start naming their favourite comedians.

Then one kid says : Joe Biden.

Another kid follows with : Donald Trump.

Political debate starts. When the teacher finaly quiets down the class there is only the person who didn't say who their favourite is, is the quiet kid.
...

Where do sheep get their hair cut?

The baa baa shop.

An Indian King became jealous that the Queen was caring about their infant son more than him, So he poisoned her nipples in her sleep to kill the baby.

The next day the Minister died of poisoning.

Shot a family in their home last night.

Being a photographer is such an easy job!

What do clowns fill their cars with?

Laughing gas!

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This has probably been made before, but I just thought of it after my mom, while doing her crossword puzzle, said aloud "fuel for a funny car" and I suggested laughing gas. It wasn't the right answer, unfortunately.

Update, the answer is "Nitro" which i...

I can't believe some people pick their nose!

I was born with mine..

What OS do Jedi run their computers on?

The DagobahSystem.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was a very, very unlucky man with a single testicle.

One day, he went on a plane. Unfortunately, a malfunction occurred. The flight crew announced that the plane was going down and one of the passengers had to be thrown out to reduce weight.

To determine the victim, passengers drew lots, and the unlucky man was chosen. He refused furiously, say...

A husband and a wife over their marriage had eight kids.One day the husband notices that their sixth kid, Billy, looks very different from the other seven.

The husband goes to his wife and asks her, “Honey, I noticed that Billy looks different from the other children, did you have an affair?”

The wife starts to break down into tears and nods her head.

The husband, heartbroken, quietly asks his wife, “So who is Billy’s father?”

“You...

Have you heard about the new trend? People are putting baked goods on their ear studs

Its pie-on-earring fashion

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two old women were sitting on a bench waiting for their bus.

The buseswere running late, and a lot of time passed.
Finally, one woman turned tothe other and said, "You know, I've been sitting here so long, my buttfell asleep!'.

The other woman turned to her and said "I know! I heard it snoring!"

The Barenaked Ladies go to a church to confess their sins.

They step into the booth and the priest asks, "How long since your last confession?"

"It's been one week since you looked at me!"

Yoda and Luke are walking through the swamp. Part of their usual training course involves shimmying along a cliff ledge, but today, there's a long break in the ledge they can't cross.

"Something for this, I have." Yoda says.

He reaches into his bag and takes out a bunch of regular dinner table forks and a roll of duct tape. He tapes several forks together to make a bridge and lays it down, allowing the two of them to get across.

When they get back to Yoda's hovel, t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Englishman, an American and a Japanese guy are on a boat, moments away from plunging over a waterfall to their doom...

Suddenly a genie appears. The genie explains that he is of limited power. He cannot prevent their inevitable deaths, but he can grant each man one wish before he dies.

The American steps up first. 'I love my country. Before I die I want to sing my national anthem one last time. The full versi...

Where do dads learn how to tell their jokes?

In the delivery room.

What do you call a chess club bragging about their wins in a hotel lobby?

Chessnuts boasting in an open foyer

John Smith was the only Protestant to move into the large Catholic neighborhood.

On the first Friday of Lent, John was outside grilling a big juicy steak on his grill. Meanwhile all of his neighbors were eating cold tuna fish for supper. This went on each Friday during Lent.

On the last Friday of Lent the neighborhood men got together and decided that something just HAD t...

Rioters now have their own dating app.

It’s called Plenty of Sheep

Despite CDC guidelines, there's no reason to worry about people not covering their noses with their masks.

They're mouth-breathers anyway.

If you see somebody wearing a mask pulled down below their nose, don’t worry...

Those people are all mouth-breathers anyway

Why did all the students eat their homework?

Their teacher said it was a piece of cake

With the massive downturn in international travel, aircraft manufacturer Fokker has started developing planes for the military. Their latest is a small, super stealthy reconnaissance plane that is almost undetectable!

It's called the Sneaky Little Fokker.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman joins a country club and when she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?" No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot…

Finally, one man says, "Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m."

He figures the early tee-time will discourage her.

The woman says this may be a problem and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late.

They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay."

She's there at 6:30 am. sharp and beats al...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] Three men are discussing their sex lives

James said "My sex life is amazing! I have threesomes every day."

Jack said "Lucky you. I'm stuck with twosomes."

They both turn to John expectantly. "So John, how is your sex life?"

John thought for a while, then said "Wholesome, I guess."

A radio station said to call their hotline to win a prize

All I got was a burnt hand

My Grandparents were Trekkies, and named my father after their favourite Captain

when I was young, I was frequently hoisted by my own Picard

A man is asked by his colleagues why he never goes on their annual bungee-jumping trips.

He says, "A broken rubber brought me into this world. I'm not letting one take me out of it."

A teacher asks her class what their favourite letter is. A boy at the back puts up his hand and says "G". The teacher says,

"Why is that Angus?"

Why can’t pirates take aspirin for their headaches?

Parrots-eat-em-all

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hi, I'm a mental health therapist helping people to be more at peace with their lives. Check out my Instagram!

I'm a content creator.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was verbally harassed by two kids at the park today

So I told them off. Then their mother came over to me and said "Leave them the fuck alone! They're my fucking kids!"

Trying to think of a witty comeback, I asked her "Are they twins?"

She replied, "Of course they're not twins you fucking idiot, one is seven and the other is twelve! How...

An englishman, frenchmen, and spaniard were racing their cats on a paper boat in the water

They each name their cat the same in each language. The Englishman names his cat "One Two Three". The Frenchman names his "Un deux Trois". The Spaniard names his "Uno dos tres". The race begins, and Uno dos tres wins, with one two three at second place. The Frenchman's cat is nowhere to be found. Af...

Did you hear about the guy breaking into peoples houses and drinking all their coffee?

I don't know how he sleeps at night!!

A man boards a plane with six kids. After they get settled in their seats, a woman sitting across the aisle leans over to him and asks, "Are all of those kids yours?" He then replies......

"No. I work for a condom company. These are my customer complaints."

Why do bees stay inside their hives all winter?

'swarm.

Americans who want to send their kids to school but don’t want to vaccinate them..

You’re worried about the wrong shots

Why can’t frogs ever complete their bucket lists?

They croak before they even get started.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sex After Death

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there was sex after death. Their biggest fear was that there was no after-life at all.

After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact. “Judy, Judy.”<...

Why do orphans miss half their basketball games?

because they don’t have home games

What the Difference between an orphan and an apple? The Apple gets picked

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