One big difference between men and women is that

When Women Say "Smell This", It Usually Smells Nice.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between a casual dress party and a pirate having sex?

One, you come as you are..

The other, you ARRRR as you cum.

What is the similarity between women and a swimming pool?

They cost too much in upkeep for what little time you spend inside them.

What's the difference between US and USSR fairy tales?

US fairy tales start with "Once upon a time there was"

USSR fairy tales start with "Really soon there will be"

What's the similarity between mom jokes and moms?

You can see them from a mile away.

What's the difference between a hormone and an enzyme?

You can't hear an enzyme

What’s the difference between a divorce and tornado in the south?

Nothing. Someone’s losing a trailer

What’s the difference between a Jewish mother and an Italian mother?

Jewish mother to her child: Eat or I will die.
Italian mother: Eat or I’ll kill you.

How can you tell the difference between a cop and a social media influencer?

The influencer HAS TO tell you their job.

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What’s the difference between the first wife and the second wife?

The second wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.

What's the difference between a baby and a bag of cocaine?

Clapton would never let a bag of cocaine fall out a window.

What's the difference between the hentai I watch during auto-erotic asphyxiation and an artichoke?

Nothing.

One's an art I choke to, and the other's an artichoke too.

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What’s the difference between Viagra and a placebo?

Never Gonna Get You Up,
Never Gonna Let You Down.

What's the difference between my horse and my gf ?

Fewer people have riden my horse

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Think you can do better?

A circus came to town, places an ad for an animal trainer in the local paper. Only two applicants showed up, a male and a female. The offer could be for one, so the best performer wins the job.

At first glance it appeared that the female was much better prepared because she came to the inter...

My grandfathers favorite joke: what’s the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?

The drug dealer can’t wash the crack and resell it

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What’s common between smoking and eating pussy?

The flavor changes when you reach the butt.


Source: Facebook

A bartender's slow afternoon is interrupted by the sudden clatter of the door being pushed open by a man in a big hurry.

The man is clearly distraught. In between deep breaths, he manages to say, "Quick, barkeep... I need four shots of... (*gasp gasp*)... your best whiskey... (*gasp gasp*)... Hurry, please!"

The bartender spring into action, and within two shakes of a lamb's tail, he has four shots of his top-s...

What’s the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?

The porcupines pricks are on the outside.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Whats the similarity between avian flu and prostate cancer

cock inspection

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What's the difference between a oyster shucker with Parkinson's and a prostitute with diarrhea

One of them fits when they shuck

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What is common between sex and cooking?

Grandma does it best!

What’s the difference between in-laws and outlaws?

What’s the difference between in-laws and outlaws?

Outlaws are wanted.

There's a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.

only a fraction of people can understand this joke.

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The military is cutting staff and decide to get rid of three generals. One from the Army, the Airforce, and the Marines.

All of them are old, grizzled men who had seen their fair share of war, so the Pentagon comes up with a unique bonus system for their service. They can choose two points of their bodies and for every inch between them they would get 10k.

First up was the Army general. He chose to measure betw...

What's the difference between a hippie chick and a hockey player?

The hockey player will shower after 3 periods.

What's the difference between my chair and my mistress?

One has the backrest

The other has the best rack

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between jam and jelly? NSFW

I can't exactly jelly this thumb up your ass now can I?

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A man walks into a bar, sits down and orders a drink.

He puts a frog on the table in front of him.

A woman at the other end of the bar watches as the man just sits there drinking while the frog watches him. Curiosity finally gets the better of her, so she walks up to the man and asks, "What's with the frog?"

The man looks at the woman and...

What is the difference between a mosquito and a kinky girl?

Well the mosquito stops sucking if you slap it.

An old Russian WW2 joke

This is an old Russian WW2 joke that my grandfather loved to tell.

During high-casualty battles between Germans and Russians, the Russian general gets surprised by the commander of a tiny platoon who wants to hand over hundreds of German prisoners. When investigating the prisoners closer, h...

What’s the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?

The taste!

What's the difference between a hot potato and a flying pig?

One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham.

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What’s the difference between an old bus terminal and a big boobed lobster?

One is a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean

An American hiker walks to the edge of a Himalayan cliff, determined to end it all.

As he stares down at the rocks below, he notices movement out of the corner of his eye. He glances over to see a Buddhist monk standing between two trees, beckoning him over.

With nothing to lose, the man shuffles over to the monk, who is holding a string of prayer flags. "You trying to talk...

What's the difference between someone out in the sun all day and a large-haired disco dancer with colorful perspiration?

One sweats profusely and the other fro-sweats pucely.

What's the difference between a politician and a blobfish.

Ones a bottom-feeding monster and the others a fish

What’s the difference between science and religion? Science flies you to the moon

While Religion Flies You Into Buildings.

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A need satisfied

Just one request



When Johnny was young his Auntie and Uncle lived with him and his parents. Auntie watched Johnny during the day while his parents worked. Uncle worked out of town for long stretches and it was a good situation for everyone.
Johnny would come home from school in th...

What's the difference between Lay's and the Pfizer vaccine?

The Pfizer vaccine has at least one chip in it.

Why can’t the guy singing “Mambo No. 5” can’t decide between all these women?

Because Begas can’t be choosers.

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Pet Alligator

A man walks into a bar with a live alligator under his arms. Dumps the animal on the bar counter and asks for a beer. The bartender almost shits his pants and shouts: "What the hell is wrong with you, get that thing out of here!!"

Man: "Don't worry, I tamed my pet gator very well and he won't...

What's the difference between a piano, a bucket of glue and a tuna fish?

You can tune a piano but you can't tune a fish.

Oh the glue you ask. I knew you'd get stuck on that.

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Sports Car

A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend. She was thrilled at the speed. "If I do 150 mph, will you take off your clothes?" he asked. "Yes!" said his adventurous girlfriend.

And as he gets up to 150, she peeled off all her clothes. Unable to keep his eyes on the road, ...

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What you call the hair between an old lady’s Tits?

Her pussy

The gun fight between the turtles and tortoises was barbaric!

Empty shells everywhere.

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What’s the difference between boobs and failure?

One of them you want rubbed in your face, the other, not.

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A woman wakes up on the morning of her wedding anniversary and her husband wasn't there.

It was 2.00am and she was concerned. She searched the house until finally she found him in the basement sobbing uncontrollably.

She tried to comfort him and asked, "honey, what's the matter? "

Between sobs he answers, "Do you remember when your dad the cop caught us, underage, makin...

What’s the difference between a really strong weightlifter and a really, really, really strong weightlifter?

Repetitions.

What’s the difference between a policeman and a bullet?

Atleast when a bullet kills someone. It’s fired.

What’s the difference between 1,000 used condoms and a tyre?

One is a Goodyear and one is a great year.

What's the difference between a job and a wife?

A job never stops sucking

What’s the different between Bitcoin and my wife?

My wife doesn’t go down on me.


Get it? Bitcoins dropping and I’m in a horrible marriage.

What did the left eye say to the right eye?

Between us, something smells!

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Husband and wife

Husband and wife sit together in the kitchen and have breakfast.
Out of the blue she hits him with rolling pin. After a few minutes conscious again he asks:

"What was that ? - Why did you hit me that hard ?"

She: "That was for 25 years of bad sex."

He continues eating his ...

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What did the left leg say to the right leg?

"Don't talk to the guy in between. He's a dick"

What is the difference

Between whatever and ever.

Whats the difference between trump and a bird

One of them can still tweet

What is the difference between a philosopher and a dentist?

A dentist helps you solve *molar* dilemmas

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What’s the difference between an Aussie and an arsehole?

An arsehole can’t go out for a night on the piss and make an Aussie of itself

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A young couple go for romantic walk along a country lane.

They walk hand in hand and as they stroll, the guy's lustful desire rises to a peak.

He is just about to get frisky when she says, "I hope you don't mind but I really
do need to pee."Slightly taken aback by this, he replies, “OK. Why don't you go behind this hedge."

She nods agreem...

What's the difference between introverted and extroverted engineers?

The extroverted engineer looks at *your* shoes...

What's the difference between a polygamist and a cat?

A cat has 9 lives while a polygamist has 9 wives

The difference between a stupid person and a pizza

One is easy to cheat, the other is cheesy to eat.

A man rejects a girl due to the height difference between them..

The girl: “you’re selling yourself short you know”

"Do you know the difference between toilet paper and a shower curtain?"

"No.."
"Hey, everybody! I found the guy!"

What’s the different between a cat and a comma

A cat has claws at the end of paws; A comma is a pause at the end of a clause.

Whats the difference between a Harley Davidson and a vacuum cleaner???

The position of the dirtbag.

Can you explain the difference between a noun and a verb?

"Hump" is a noun meaning "something on the back of a camel"... unless that thing is another camel, in which case, it's a verb.

You're welcome.

What's the difference between a literalist and a thief?

A literalist takes things literally and a thief takes things, literally.

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An old funny joke about some some crazy bastards

See, there were these two guys in a lunatic asylum.and one night, one night they decide they don't like living in an asylum any more.

They decide they're going to escape! So, like, they get up onto the roof, and there, just across this narrow gap, they see the rooftops of the town, stretchin...

I don't see any difference between a doctor and a vet

I forgot to take my glasses with me.

What's the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping tom? (NSFW)

One snatches your watch. The other watches your snatch.

Say you had a pub

called “The And and And”. You contracted someone to make a sign for the pub. You weren’t happy with the spacing between the words.

You could say to the person: “There isn’t enough space between The and And, and And and And, and and and And.”

Yes?

What's the difference between regular Gatorade and Amish Gatorade?

Amish Gatorade has no electric-lights.

What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?

It only takes 1 nail to hang the picture.

A medieval king was hunting in Africa. He killed a lion, an elephant, and a hippopotamus, and awarded the skins to his three squires back home in his kingdom. Thus, the three squires became known as the Lion Squire, the Elephant Squire, and the Hippo Squire.

As the years passed, the Lion Squire and the Elephant Squire became very jealous of the Hippo Squire because they wanted the hippo skin too. So, they hatched a plan to assassinate the Hippo Squire and divide the hippo skin between them equally.

Now the Lion Squire had eight sons, and the Elep...

What's the difference between a woman and a computer?

There is a chance my computer will go down on me.

What's the difference between a School bus and a pineapple?

The little pricks are on the outside of the pineapple!

What's the difference between a doctor and an engineer?

A doctor kills people one at a time.

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What's the difference between an American prostitute and a British prostitute?

You can have sex with 200 pounds.

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A Toast

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me Life, between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night."
She said, "Aye, did...

What’s the difference between prayer in church and prayer in a casino?

In a casino, you really mean it.

A little boy asks his father, "What 's the difference between having ups and downs?

His Father says, 'You don't have ups syndrome.'

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What’s the difference between sexy and kinky?

Sexy is when you use a feather. Kinky is when you use the whole chicken.

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What's the difference between an equestrian and an equestrophile?

The amount of dick they can take.

What's the difference between deer nuts and beer nuts?

Beer nuts are always over a dollar, whereas deer nuts are always under a buck.

The election of Vladimir Putin will commence in a few days

Citizens will be asked to choose between Putin and the firing squad.

As of now, 80% of the population approve of him.

>!The rest 20% are missing!<

What’s the difference between the truth and a conspiracy theory?

About 6-12 months.

Two Chess Grandmasters sit down for a Drink

They get a little tipsy, and their tongues loosen up.

Charles: “My wife has been awfully quiet recently. I think she may be having an affair.”

Digory: “...”

Charles: “Well come on man, don’t be so glum.”

Digory: “Charles, I have a confession about my last mate.”

Ch...

What’s the similarity between the police and a bikini?

What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.

What's the difference between a Ferrari and a Camaro?

One is made by Italians.

The other is made for Italians.

What is a Mistress?

It’s something between a Mister and a Mattress

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me?

I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You m...

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Jane is on her honeymoon with Tarzan.

He lays stiff in bed awkwardly staring at the roof of the treehouse. "Have you ever had sex?" She asks, he stands up and points out the window, "when Tarzan horny, Tarzan poke hole in tree."

She walks over to him and says "Just do the same, pretend i'm the tree." He nods, and swiftly kicks he...

I was shocked today when I heard my neighbor..

.. telling his son the difference between Email and Gmail.

He said Email is when you use Electricity to send mail while Gmail is when you use Generator to send mail.

I'm still struggling to catch my breath.

A family of moles

A family of moles awakens from hibernation. The father mole pokes his head out of the hole and says "I smell tulips it must be spring". The mother mole pokes her head out of the hole and says " I smell cherry blossoms it must be spring". The baby mole is trying to squeeze between his parents but get...

The missing sugar bowl

Mrs. Ravioli comes to visit her son Anthony for dinner. He lives with a female roommate, Maria.

During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Anthony's roommate is. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if ther...

What's the difference between a cult and a religion?

In a cult, there is someone on top that knows it’s all nonsense.

In a religion that person is dead.

What's the difference between hard and light?

You can sleep with a light on.

What's the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean?

Answer: I wouldn't pay $50 to have a garbanzo bean on my face.

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Peter, one of the 12 apostles is walking through Jerusalem.....

He rounds a corner and comes upon a mob about to stone a poor woman to death . The mob believe woman is a prostitute and should be killed. Peter springs to action putting himself between the mob and the woman and shouts " Stop at once and let he who is without sin cast the first stone!" Immediately...

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What did the left ball say to the right ball?

Between ye and me, something's pissing me off.

What do you call a death match between E.T. and a nerd with no social life?

Alien versus Redditor.

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Three Rabbis

Three rabbis were walking and they came to the more questionable part of town. They pass by a shop that has a sign which reads...

Blowjobs:
$25
$50
$100

The first rabbi looks at the sign and says “My friends, it is time I enjoy some of the joys of the flesh. I am going to go a...

How what are similarities between and hurricane and a woman?

When they come they are wet and wild and by the time the leave the take your house and your car!


p.s

Don’t know where the how came from... sorry for it!
Also, it’s my cake day!!!!

I made a video about the symbiotic relationships between fungus and algae

Don't forget to lichen subscribe!

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What's the difference between and Arby's roast beef sandwich and a vagina?

I expect there to be pubes on the sandwich

Do you know the difference between "complete" and "finished"

No dictionary has ever been able to satisfactorily define the difference between "complete" and "finished."

However, during a recent linguistic conference attended by some of the best linguists in the world, Samsundar Balgobin, a Guyanese linguist, was the presenter when he was asked to make...

The difference between a 21 year-old American and European

An American on their 21st birthday: Wow! I can finally drink!

A European on their 21st birthday: Wo-w-wow! I really ought to cut back on my drinking!

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What is the different between being hungry and being horny?

Answer: Where you put the cucumber.

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What is the difference between frustration and satisfaction?

What is the difference between frustration and satisfaction?

"What the Fuck!" and "What a Fuck!"

What's the difference between the US Capitol and Mordor❓

One doesn't just stroll into Mordor

A man was telling friends how first-aid classes had prepared him for an emergency.

“I saw a woman hit by a car,” he said. “She had a broken arm, a twisted knee and a skull fracture.”
“How horrible! What did you do?”

“Thanks to my first-aid training I knew just how to handle it. I sat on the curb and put my head between my knees to keep from fainting.”

What's the difference between wit and a joke?

A young filmmaker excited to be part of his first film festival is attending a talk between a director and a writer. At the end of the talk he gets up and shouts out, "If I could ask a question, what's the difference between wit and a joke?"

The writer looks at him for a second, picks up his...

Sam walks into a bar on his birthday

It was Sam’s birthday, he just turned 18, finally a man (Sam lives in the Uk). In the excitement of being able to finally buy a pint from the bar without having to worry about being asked for ID, he approaches the woman who was bartending.

Sam, having a lack of knowledge with drinks, asks the...

Whats the difference between ignorance and apathy?

I don't know and I don't care.

A journalist tries to find out how different professions deals with basic math.

So he asks them a simple question: "How much is 1+1?"

The mechanical engineer quickly opens a handbook and say, the handbook says 2, let's make it 3 just in case.
The physicist starts scribbling and after 5 minutes say it's between 1.95 and 2.05 within 3 sigma confidence level.
...

Whats the difference between a piano, a keyboard and a bottle of glue?

The piano doesnt need electricity, the keyboard does.

In the Resident Evil series, how does one make a proper Jill Sandwich?

You put it between two slices of Breadfield and then add some Weskershire sauce.

What’s the difference between Kim jong un and dominoes ?

Dominoes can deliver a crispy Hawaiian in less than 30 minutes

What's the difference between a liar and a lawyer?

Nothing, especially if you use an Australian accent.

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A woman walks into a doctors office

After getting through the door she stomps her way to the reception desk. Not waiting for even a greeting she blows up " I WANNA TALK TO DOCTOR JOHNSON AND I WANNA TALK TO THAT MOTHERFUCKER RIGHT NOW!" With eyes the size of dinner plates the receptionist rushes to retrieve the doctor. Moments later ...

The difference between men and women

What's the biggest difference between men and women?

What they mean when saying "I got through a whole box of tissues watching that film"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does predominantly older women wear between their breasts?

A bellybutton piercing.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man meets with his friend and sees that he has red markings on both sides of his face.

He asks his friend, "What happened to your face?"

The friend replies, "I saw a lady on my way here. She had her skirt wedged between her butt so I fixed it for her. Then she slapped me."

The man says, "Okay... What about the other side?"

The friend replies, "I thought she was ma...

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There's an old Jewish man walking along the beach...

and he comes across a magic lamp. He rubs it and a genie comes out. The genie says to the old Jewish man, "I will grant you anything you want."

The man pulls out a map of the Middle East and shows it to the genie and says, "I would like peace in the Middle East between the Israelis and Palest...

How do you tell the difference between a fully vaccinated person and an unvaccinated person if they aren't wearing a mask?

Ask them who won the election.

What'd the difference between a hippo and a zippo?

One is very heavy, and the other one is a little lighter

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There is a factory that makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys.

The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.   Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.   The next day at 8:45 is there is a knock at the Personnel Manager’s door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new E...

What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a unicycle and a well dressed man on a bicycle?

ATTIRE

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s the difference between oral sex and anal sex?

One will make your day, the other will make your hole weak.

My girlfriend wanted to look slimmer for a party so she invested in a corset.

She’s had a very hard year coping with things and was determined to go looking like a million bucks. She told me what it meant to her to be with me and how this was the only thing she had been looking forward to for months. I helped her into her corset and between us we managed to lace her up.
<...

There is a difference between I’m sorry and I apologise...

Don’t believe me?
Try saying “I apologise” at a funeral

I am so single

when I go to a restaurant I split the bill between my two bank accounts

What the difference between Pizza and Musician?

A pizza can feed a family of 4.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s the difference between a prostitute and a politician

One has no morals, doesn’t care about the people, and will fuck anyone for money. The other just sells the body for sex.

Another Traveling Salesman Joke

Back at the beginning of 1930, there was a traveling salesman who vowed to sell his product in every state in the country. He started in Maine and worked his way across all the northern states. He was so good at selling that he never had to pay for a hotel room. He always could talk people into putt...

Whats the difference between a knife and flat earther?

A knife has a point

What's the difference between a banjo player terrorist?

Terrorists have sympathizers.

Bonus joke:

What's the difference between a banjo and an AK-47?

>!The AK only repeats thirty times.!<

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You can't spell advertisements without.. .

Semen between tits

What did they call the conflict between Alexander Hamilton and Aaron Burr?

The Ham-Burr-Grrr.

I'm not even sorry.

The difference between theory & reality.

A boy was given a essay to write about the difference between theory and reality.

Struggling to come up with a explanation he asked his dad who said to him that he could lend a hand with this one.

The father told him "go find your mother and ask her if she would sleep with the window c...

whats the difference between a social media influencer and a bench??

one can support a family.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old man gets the call from the IRS

The man on the phone says, “we’ve noticed large sums of money coming in and going out of your account constantly and we gotta get this straight. Come in tomorrow and we’ll have a chat about this.” The old man thinks for a while and then decides he better get his lawyer to come with him.

The ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two tipsy women sneak into a graveyard to pee one night.

Once done, one uses her panties to wipe with and throws them away, the other uses a ribbon from a nearby wreath.


The next day one husband called the other: "My wife came home last night without any panties!"


"That's nothing!" The other replied, "My wife had a card stuck between...

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