UPJOKE
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Between Jokes

What's the difference between grey and gray?

One is a color, and the other is a colour.

What's the difference between Republicans and Ukrainians?

Ukrainians defend their Capitol.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between Putin and Hitler?

Hitler knew when to kill himself

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s the difference between weed and pussy?

If you can smell weed from across the room that means it’s good.

what's the difference between a large pizza and an American?

The pizza can feed a family of 4

What’s the difference between Brazil and the USA?

About 1500 arrests within 48 hours of an attempted coup.

What's the difference between Elon Musk and God?

God doesn't think he's Elon Musk.

What’s the difference between elon musk and a lemur?

Elon Musk made an electric car

Lemurs Madagascar

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between Disney+ and Pornhub?

Disney+ wants you to hate your stepmother.

What's the difference between Greta Thunberg and Andrew Tate

Greta was nominated for the Nobel Prize, and awarded Tate the No-balls prize.

What's the difference between a yogurt and The USA ?

If you leave the yogurt alone for 200 years, it develops a culture



Edit : didn't think i'd have to do this but here we go.

This is a Joke subreddit, this is a joke.

What’s between an introvert and an extrovert?

A wall.

(I know it wasn’t funny, but it popped into my mind, and I thought it was decent enough)

What's the difference between a wife and a job?

After 2 years the job still sucks

What’s the difference between a hooker and Jesus?

The look on their face when you’re nailing them.

What's the difference between an Indian and an African elephant?

One's an elephant.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s the difference between a prostitute and Jesus?

The sound they make when you’re nailing them.

Happy Easter you filthy degenerates.

What's the difference between an atheist and an evangelical Christian?

The atheist is honest about not following the teachings of Christ.

What's the difference between 9/11 and a cow?

Can't milk a cow for 21 years.

What's the difference between a cop and a bullet?

When a bullet kills someone, you know it's been fired.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Whats the difference between a politician and a hooker?

A hooker will stop fucking you once you run out of money.

Edit: As somebody observed below, this joke is as old as the sun, yet never gets old.

Considering all the comments, it's a fair conclusion that hookers would make honest politicians, if there is such a thing.

What's the difference between the US Capitol and Mordor?

One does not simply walk into Mordor

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s the difference between dildos and tofu?

I can put a dildo in my mouth without gagging.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between having sex with a hooker, your girlfriend and your wife?

Hooker says, "are you done yet?"

Your girlfriend says, "you're done already?"

And your wife says, "beige, we should definitely paint the ceiling beige."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s the difference between sex and cake days?

Most Redditors have had cake days

What is the difference between USA and USB?

One connects to your computer and accesses all your data. The other is an industry standard.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s the difference between Barbie and Oppenheimer?

Barbie product first manufactured in Japan and released in America.
Oppenheimer product first manufactured in America and release in Japan.

What's the difference between Thailand and America?

Thailand reunites boys with their families.

What's the difference between a G spot and a golf ball?

A guy will actually search for a golf ball

What's the difference between Donald Trump and a worm?

One of them is a slimy, loathsome creature incapable of complex thought, the other one actually shows up when it rains.

What starts with W, ends with T and has two letters in between.

Just stating the obvious.

What's the difference between kinky and perverted?

A feather vs the whole chicken.

Difference between a cult and a religion

In a cult, there's a guy at the top that knows it's a scam.

In a religion, that guy is dead.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between a rimshot and a rimjob?

One goes *ba dum tiss*, the other is da bum kiss.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] What is the difference between a circus and a stripper club?

One is an array of cunning stunts . . .

What is the difference between Politicians and Flying Pigs ?

The letter f

What's the difference between a Taliban training facility and a children's hospital?

Don't ask me, I just fly the drone

What is the difference between BTS and Logan Paul?

BTS is a boy band from Asia; Logan Paul is a boy banned from Asia.

What is the difference between Russia and reality?

Trump had connections with Russia.

What’s the difference between a computer and an American?

An American doesn’t have trouble-shooting.

What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $55 steak?

February 14th

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between EA and my uncle?

My uncle didn't take my money when he fucked me.

What’s the difference between a cat and a comma?

A cat has claws at the end of paws and a comma is a pause at the end of a clause.

What’s the difference between your mom and a refrigerator?

A refrigerator doesn’t fart when you take the meat out.

People who don't understand the difference between...

People who don't understand the difference between etymology and entomology bug me in ways I can't put into words.

What's the difference between me and Jimmy Fallon?

I can get through a Jimmy Fallon sketch without laughing.

What's the difference between humans and a bullet?

Humans miss John Lennon

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between a joke and a dick?

You're not good at taking a joke.

What’s the difference between North Korea and the US?

North Koreans can’t tell if their leader is seriously dead. Americans can’t tell if their leader is dead serious.

Difference between I.T and management

A man flying in a hot air balloon suddenly realizes he’s lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts to get directions, “Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?” The man below says: “Yes. You’re in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field.”...

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What's the difference between England and Viagra?

Viagra can get you past a semi

What's the difference between Donald Trump and a bird?

A bird can tweet.

What's the difference between Yo Momma and a water buffalo?

About 25 pounds.


How do you change that?


Force-feed the buffalo or shave yo momma.


(I almost feel bad for trotting out a joke older than most Redditors but I can't.)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s the difference between oral and anal sex?

Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.

What's the difference between a casino and a church?

You actually mean it when you pray at a casino.

What’s the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer?

A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the judge.

What's the difference between deer nuts and beer nuts?

Beer nuts are always over a dollar, deer nuts are always under a buck.

Goofy, I know, but still makes me laugh 20 years after I first heard it!

ETA: GUYS! Thanks so much for the upvotes, I've never had so many! Y'all made my night!

What’s the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?

You only need one nail to hang a picture of Jesus.

What's the difference between Iron Man and Aluminum Man?

Iron Man stops the bad guys.
Aluminum Man just foils their plans.

Letters between a father and son

Dear son;

Your mother and I love you very much, and we miss you dearly ever since you went to prison. I especially miss you now that spring is here, and it is time to plow the fields. The ground is hard, and my back is old. I am afraid I will never be able to plant the crops in time.
...

What is the difference between Washington, Nixon and Trump?

George Washington couldn’t tell a lie.

Richard Nixon couldn’t tell the truth.

Donald Trump can’t tell the difference

What's the difference between everybody and bullets?

Everybody misses Harambe.

What’s the difference between a chickpea and a lentil?

I didn’t pay $100 to have a lentil on my face.

What’s the difference between me and cancer?

My dad didn’t beat cancer


Edit: thank you for the gold, 7k upvotes, and 8 followers
r/emojiliberationarmy GANG🤪🤪😋😋🥵🥵🥵🥵🥵🤤🤤🥱🥱🤠🤠🤠🤠🤑🤑🤑🤑🤑😈😈😈

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between model trains and titties?

Nothing, both are intended for children but it's the dads who are playing with them.

How can you tell the difference between a nerd and someone with a BDSM fettish?

Ask them what a dungeon master is

I hate when people don’t know the difference between “you’re” and “your”..

There stupid.

What's the difference between a Syrian kindergarten and an ISIS hospital?

I wouldn't know, I'm just the drone operator.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is the difference between Ajit Pai and Hitler?

Hitler was doing what he thought was best for his country.

Edit: I'm getting a lot of comments that the comparison is very inaccurate and Hitler was much worse than Pai. To those people, I invite you to check which sub you are currently on. The results will shock you!

Edit 2: Wow so...

What's the difference between Donald and a piece of fruit?

Oranges have thick skin.

Let the downvotes fly, people! You've only got one!

Who would win in a street fight between Joe Biden and Donald Trump?

Everyone watching

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between a golf ball and a clitoris?

Guys will spend 10 minutes looking for a golf ball.

What's the difference between a seal and a sea lion?

One electron.

What’s the difference between a Pakistani elementary school and an Al-qaeda outpost?

I dunno man I just fly the drone.

What is the difference between Americans and the British?

Americans think 200 years is a long history, while the British think 200 miles is a long trip.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My German girlfriend likes to rate our sex between 1-10.

Last night we tried anal, she kept shouting 9!

That's the best I've done so far.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You know the difference between sex for money and sex for free?

Sex for money is a whole lot cheaper.

What's the difference between communism and a pencil?

The pencil works on things other than paper.

What's the difference between snowmen and snowwomen

Snowballs

My father once asked me if I knew the difference between heaven and hell…

“In heaven” he said, “the Italians make the food and the British run the government”

He then paused and said, “In hell, the British make the food and the Italians run the government”

What's the difference between the Taliban and Texas?

The Taliban requires women to wear masks

There is a fine line between the denominator and the numerator

Only a fraction of people will find this funny

What is the difference between Capitalism and Socialism?

In a capitalist society, man exploits man and in a socialist one, it's the other way around.

What's the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?

People in Dubai don't like the Flintstones but people in Abu Dhabi doooooo.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s the difference between the dollar and the pound?

I didn’t dollar your mom’s ass last night.

What is the difference between Americans and IT support?

Americans don't have troubleshooting.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s the difference between a joke and another man’s dick?

Jada Pinkett won’t take a joke

What's the difference between Ukraine and Russia?

Ukraine's president is a comedian.

Russia's president is a clown.

What's the difference between a tea bag and the German football team?

A tea bag stays in the cup for longer...

Bit of British humour right there ;)

EDIT: happy to see this joke made people laugh, yes it's a classic joke but England have mainly been on the receiving end of it so nice to turn it around on someone else for a change (sorry Germany)

Th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The difference between before/after getting hired

When Timmy went in for an interview at ABC company, he was hired after a very brief interview. A little skeptical at first, Timmy asked the company representative a few questions.

It went like this:

ABC: Trust me, this company could really use someone new

Timmy: If there is too ...

What’s the similarity between a grenade and a wife?

You pull off the ring and then your house is gone

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is the difference between your dick and your jokes?

No one laughing at your jokes.

What's the difference between "light" and "hard"?

You can go to sleep with a light on.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW What's the difference between eating pussy and drinking Bud Light?

Pussy only tastes like piss for a few seconds.

Hello everyone! I'm a scientist and I am researching bestiality between humans and dogs.

I will be in my Lab if you need me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between sex and mental illness?

Most of Reddit has experienced mental illness

What's the difference between Amy Winehouse and Jack Daniels?

Jack Daniels comes alive when you add Coke.

If you don't know the difference between a psychologist and a psychiatrist...

congratulations, you're doing great!

Friendship between men and women...

Friendship between women:

A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew about it.

Friendship between men:

A man didn't come home one night. The next day h...

My annual cake day joke repost - how can you tell the difference between a plumber and a chemist?

Ask them to pronounce unionized

What’s the difference between Benedict Arnold and Donald Trump?

Benedict Arnold once fought for America.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between George W. Bush, Dick Cheney, Newt Gingrich, Rush Limbaugh, Donald Trump, and Jane Fonda?

Jane Fonda went to Vietnam.

I asked my boss "what's the difference between your wife and tomorrow?"

"I'm not coming in tomorrow"


Haven't seen this one here so if it's been posted before I'm sorry

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is the similarity between a bank and sex?

In both cases, you lose interest after a withdrawal.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s the difference between an American girl and an Iranian girl?

The American girl gets stoned before sex.

whats the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chickpea?

donald trump has never had a garbanzo bean on his face.

What’s the difference between your salad and your girlfriend?

You dress your salad before you eat it.

What's the difference between a chickpea and a pinto bean?

I never had a pinto bean on my face

What's the difference between me and cancer?

My dad didn’t beat cancer.

I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting between two identical twins.

It was impossible to differentiate between them.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between a Pakistani school and a terrorist camp?

I don't fucking know I'm just a drone pilot

How do you tell the difference between an English major, a Math major, and a programmer?

Ask them what "!" is

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s the difference between a northern fairy tale and a southern fairy tale?

A northern fairy tale begins, “Once upon a time, …”
A southern fairy tale begins, “Y’all ain’t gonna believe this shit…!”

What's the difference between a teabag and the German national team?

The teabag stays in the cup longer

John was unable to choose between two girls...

So he asked his friend Gary for help deciding which girl to be with.

John: I'm devoted to Kate but Edith is my dream girl, she's all I've ever wanted.

Gary: Then you should be with Edith.

John: But I love Kate and could never leave her...

Gary: Then you should stay with K...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with boobs?

One is a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean!

What’s the difference between a hot potato and a flying pig?

Ones a heated yam, and ones a yeeted ham.

An Indian has a seat between two Pakistani's on board an airplane.

It's quite obvious to each of the three men know where they are from. The Indian asks, "Pardon me gentleman, you wouldn't mind me sitting between you to do you? This is my seat after all."

The Pakistanis look at each other, and then look back at him. One of them smiles and says, "Not at all! ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Whats similar between a hurricane and women?

They come in hot and wet and leave with **THE LAWN CHAIRS WE BOUGHT TOGETHER SARA YOU BITCH!**

What's the difference between a buoy and my ex girlfriend?

A buoy can be found above the ocean's surface.

How do you tell the difference between a fully vaccinated person and an unvaccinated person if they aren't wearing a mask?

Ask them who won the election.

what's the difference between Paul Walker and Betty White?

Paul Walker hit 100 before he died.

What's the difference between a rock guitarist and a jazz guitarist?

A rock guitarist plays 4 notes in front of 1000 people, while a jazz guitarist plays 1000 notes in front of 4 people.

What is the difference between girls aged:8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58 and 68?

At 8 – You take her to bed and tell her a story.

At 18 – You tell her a story and take her to bed.

At 28 – You don’t need to tell her a story to take her to bed.


At 38 – She tells you a story and takes you to bed.

At 48 – You tell her a story to avoid going to bed....

What’s the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?

A literalist takes things literally. A kleptomaniac takes things, literally.

What do you call the cleavage between breast implants?

Silicon Valley

What’s the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother?

Eventually a Rottweiler will let go

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Whats the difference between a politician and a hooker?

A hooker will stop fucking you once you run out of money.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between a shitty golfer and a shitty skydiver?

The shitty golfer goes, \-WHAM!\- "FUCK!"

The shitty skydiver goes, "FUCK!" \-WHAM!\-

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between a bull and an orchestra?

The bull has the horns in the front and the asshole in the back.

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