The 90+ Best Opposite Jokes

90% of people are unable to solve this riddle by guessing the opposite of each word.

Always

Coming

From

Take

Me

Down

76% of people don’t know opposite words for the following:

1) Always 2) Coming 3) From 4) Take 5) Me 6) Down

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A boob, a vagina and an asshole are debating as to who is the greatest of them all. Boob: I give milk to new born babies and I’m attractive to the opposite sex, that’s why I’m the greatest. Vagina: I give birth to babies and I accommodate the opposite sex, that’s why I’m the greatest.

Now it’s your turn to speak.

I was on a train and this woman opposite looked at me and said, "Everytime you smile, I feel like inviting you to my place...."

I asked, "Are you single?"

She replied, "No, I am a dentist."

What's the opposite of being able to wrap your head around something?

A turban :D

(It's my joke, MINE! If anyone *ever* wants to repost this, give me credit!)

What's the opposite of "Debbie Downer"?

Beth-amphetamine

What's the opposite of "young, dumb, and full of cum"?

"Old, smart, and can't trust a fart".

If pro is the opposite of con...

Then what's the opposite of progress?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Tinder is the opposite of porn ads....

There are actually tons of hot singles in my area, But none of them are interested in me.

I spent hours trying to find what the opposite of “night” was.

But, in the end, I just had to call it a day.

What’s the opposite of artificial intelligence?

Natural stupidity!

The opposite of Microsoft Office is...

Macrohard Onfire.

What’s the opposite of Holy Water?

Nestle

A lost hiker is on one side of a raging river when he sees a buddhist monk on the other side. There are no bridges. He has no boat. He shouts out to the monk on the opposite bank. “How do I get to the other side?”

The buddhist monk shouts back: “You are on the other side.”

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.

He seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.The case came up in court. The Judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.The man replied..."Well your Honor, it was like this: When the l...

What’s the opposite of a cactus?

A BMW, it has its pricks on the inside.

The opposite of formaldehyde is

casualdejekyll.

What's the opposite of ground beef?

High steaks

Dad: What's the opposite of ladyfingers?

Kids : no idea

Dad : mentos

What is the opposite of lukewarm?

Leiacold

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Two soldiers are sitting on opposite sides of a river

They do not understand each other's language. The one on the east side(american) calls to the other "how did you get over there did you parachute or did you swim?" All the while he made a signal with his arms of a parachute coming down and swung his arms as if swimming. Then he proceeds to say "I se...

"A man goes to prison" joke with two opposite punchlines.

My grandpa used to tell this joke, one day I heard someone else tell it with almost an exact opposite punchline. I've never tried to type it out before, so sorry if this sucks, but here's how I first heard it:

---

A man goes to prison and the first night while he's laying in bed contem...

Shout out to those who don’t know the opposite of in.

They need the help.

What's the opposite of an empath?

A W-path.

*edit* Thanks for the upvotes. My ten year old stepson made this one up, and he's very proud that his joke got so many upvotes.

What's the opposite of a smart house?

A residense.

What is the opposite of a croissant?

A happy uncle.

What's the opposite of Kanye?

A canoe. (sorry)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The opposite of an assassin is

a dickdickout

My ex-girlfriend is standing at the opposite end of the museum from me!

I want to go say hi but there's just so much history between us.

A Bar Opened Opposite a Church.....

The Church Prayed Daily against the bar business.

Days later the bar was struck by lightning & caught fire which destroyed it.

Bar Owner Sued the Church Authorities for the cause of its destruction, as it was an action because of their Prayer.

The Church Denied all Responsib...

What's the opposite of a mermaid?

Land Ho!

Son: Dad, what's the opposite of Karen?

Dad: Umm, I don't know, Sharon...?

Son: But I thought Sharon was Karen.

Edit: Thank you u/Ri0tp0p0 and u/CulturedCroissant for the awards! :)

I was sitting opposite to a stunning thai girl in the train

saying to myself "please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection!".

Unfortunately, she did.

What is the opposite of lovey?

Haiti

What's the opposite of irony?

\- Wrinkly

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the opposite of unbridled lust?

Dressage sex.

So, if the opposite of 'pro' is 'con'

What's the opposite of 'progress'?

What's the opposite of a sausage fest?

Clambake.

My 5 yr old son came up with this - what is the opposite of Kathmandu?

DogLadyDont

There was a slightly long bridge, wide enough for only one car and one day, two cars tried to cross over from opposite directions and met at the middle of the bridge, obviously unable to get past the other......

One driver poked his head out of his window and yelled - "I don't make way for idiots!"

The second guy rolled his window down and yelled back - "I do!" and backed up his car...

What is the opposite of Christopher Reeves?

Christopher Walken.

Why shouldn't you compute the angle between the opposite side of a triangle and the hypotenuse?

Because that would be a sin

A blonde and a brunette are walking on opposite sides of the river...

The brunette yells to the blonde, "How do you get to the other side of the river?"

To which the blonde replies, "Um, you ARE on the other side!"

It's opposite day and I'm stuck in a bit of a pickle.

I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to get it out...

What is the opposite of a wandering Jew?

A Roamin’ Catholic

What's the opposite of Pyrite?

Cake wrong.

What is the opposite of sensei?

Nonsensei

what is the opposite of downvoted into oblivion?

Upvoted into skyrim.

What is the opposite of mansplaining?

Missunderstanding.

What do you call the opposite of an iPad mini?

A maxipad.

"Son, do you know what the opposite of ladyfingers is?"

"No dad," I say rolling my eyes.

"Mentos."

The opposite of enlightment is ignorance

That makes me delighted

Dating is kind of like the opposite of coding

You start with Java before getting comfortable with Python.

Two men meets on opposite sides of a river...

One shouts "I need you to help me get to the other side!"

The other says "You are on the other side!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I made a robot who changes people into the opposite sex.

I guess he's a trans former

I had two opposite opinions at my last hospital appointment

It was a pair o' docs.

I spent two years figuring out the opposite word for night.

But after all that time I decided to give up and call it a day.

What do you call the opposite of a lady’s finger?

Mentos

What's the opposite of stand up comedy?

A SITcom!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does one saggy boob say to the opposite saggy boob?

“If we don’t get some support, people will think we’re nuts"

What is the opposite of a woman wearing a burka

A naked man wearing a blindfold

Does anyone know the opposite of export elephant?

It's important.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Having no luck with the opposite sex! I am finally out of the closet...and now am...

'Buy'sexual.

What do you call a hippo who says something and does the complete opposite?

A hippocrite

What is the opposite of a protein?

An amateur teen ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

I keep forgetting what the opposite of night is called.

I gave up and just called it a day.

What's the opposite of mitosis?

Your finger bro!

What is the opposite of a Mermaid...

... a landlord!!

(this is my sister’s joke, I can’t take credit for it)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If con is the opposite of pro, then is Congress the opposite of progress?

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?" The dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your mother, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the government. We're here to take care of your ...

What is the opposite of mango?

Womanstay. (One of *the* worst and yet best jokes my dad made. I love him.)

What's the opposite of a hot dog?

A chili dog

why are women and salads opposites?

You dress a salad right before you eat it

What is the opposite of Underwear?

Derwear

Two blondes are standing on opposite banks of the river.

-How do I get to the opposite side ?
-You are already there

What’s the opposite of tight quarters?

Loose change.

"For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.." - Newton's Law

"Shredded cabbage and carrot make a great salad." - Cole's Law

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What kind of growth comes from standing close to a very attractive member of the opposite sex?

Organic growth

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Englishman and a Frenchman are sitting opposite a beautiful young woman and her mother on a train going through the Alps

The train passes into a tunnel and the carriage is suddenly plunged into darkness. A short while later, everyone hears a loud *slap*, and a cry of *zut alors*! When the train emerges, the angry Frenchman is rubbing his cheek.

The older woman thinks: "That dirty Frenchman must have tried to to...

What’s the opposite of Protest?

Contest.

Whats the opposite of Progress?

What is the opposite of "onion"?

I guess it could be either of "offioff", "offyouoff", "offion", "onioff", "offyouon" or "onyouoff"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A communist spy and an American spy are camping out in opposite buildings on Moscow.

Each one knows the other is there but thinks the other does not know that they are there. After hours of spying each one decides they need to go out for some fresh air. However, since both would be easily recognized they decide to put on disguises. The Communist, a female, puts on an elaborate mal...

What is the opposite of a lesson?

A more-on!

Ask Any Librarian, What’s The Opposite of Capitalism?

lowercasism

What's the opposite of women's studies?

History.

Carl and Clarance lived on opposite sides of the Mississippi River..

They lived their whole lives right across the river from each other, way back in the day. The nearest bridge across was 100 miles away, and both were too poor to afford an automobile, so from their youth they made a past time of shouting insults to one another from across the river.
For many yea...

What’s the opposite of Sad Pie Night?

You tell me ;)

What is the opposite of Nautica clothing?

Ica clothing

Three men found a genie lamp that grants the opposite of what is wished

The first man wishes that he would win the lottery. He buys his first ticket, and loses, buys his second ticket, and loses. Every week the man dumped his savings into lottery tickets, until he was completely broke.

The second man wishes for a healthy and long life. He decides to abuse his wis...

Con is the opposite of pro, and con is bad.

So if we want to turn the constitution into something better, then we should change it to...

Teacher: What is the opposite of antibiotic

Student: Uncle-biotic

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