What do you call the opposite of yesterday?

Noterday

If 'pro' is the opposite of 'con'...

...what's the opposite of progress?

The opposite of Microsoft Office is...

MacroHard OnFire

I was sitting opposite to a stunning thai girl in the train

saying to myself "please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection!".

Unfortunately, she did.

What’s the opposite of a wet parking spot?

A Dryveway

The opposite of a pro is a con.

The opposite of progress is Congress.

What’s the opposite of Christopher Reeve?

Christopher Walken

The opposite of "constitution"...

...is "prostitution"...

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A communist spy and an American spy are camping out in opposite buildings on Moscow.

Each one knows the other is there but thinks the other does not know that they are there. After hours of spying each one decides they need to go out for some fresh air. However, since both would be easily recognized they decide to put on disguises. The Communist, a female, puts on an elaborate mal...

Most people are unable to solve this riddle by guessing the opposite of each word.

Always


Coming


From


Take


Me


Down

The opposite of isolate is

yousoearly.

What's the opposite of a life hack?

Good advice.

What’s the opposite of Protest?

Contest.

Whats the opposite of Progress?

What's the opposite of Christopher Walkin?

Christopher Reeves!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Tinder is the opposite of porn ads....

There are actually tons of hot singles in my area, But none of them are interested in me.

What's the opposite of antibodies...

Uncle bodies

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I realized that Tinder is the exact opposite of most websites in porn website ads.

There’s tons of hot single ladies in my area, but none of them want to fuck me.

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A Boob, a Vagina and an Asshole are debating who is the greatest of the three of them.

Boob: I give milk to new born babies and I'm attractive to the

opposite sex, that's why I am the greatest.

Vagina: That's nothing.

I give birth to babies, and can accommodate the opposite sex.

That's why I'm the greatest.

.

.

.

.

.
...

Three men found a genie lamp that grants the opposite of what is wished

The first man wishes that he would win the lottery. He buys his first ticket, and loses, buys his second ticket, and loses. Every week the man dumped his savings into lottery tickets, until he was completely broke.

The second man wishes for a healthy and long life. He decides to abuse his wis...

I hate to do it but I've got to complain about the guy with the eye patch who sits opposite me at work

He keeps winking at me and it's just not appropriate.

Opposites Attract

My beautiful, smart wife told me that

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The worst part about opposite day is

A girl finally agreed to have sex with me.

My 5 yr old son came up with this - what is the opposite of Kathmandu?

DogLadyDont

The wife and I joined opposite ends of a tug of war

It's created a lot of tension between us

What's the opposite of goodwill?

Badwon't. I'll see myself out...

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Flossing is the opposite of masturbating

Everyone says they floss but no one actually does it.

Two men are on opposite sides of a river

The first man shouts "How do I get to the other side of the river?"
The second man shouts back "You are on the other side of the river."

The opposite of 'isolate' is...

Usoearly. ._.

What is the building opposite the Sistine Chapel?

The Fifteen Chapel.

What's the opposite of an elephant ear?

Who cares? It's completely *earelephant*

A woman saw in the news that a crazy driver was going in the opposite direction on a one way road, so she called to warn her husband.

Her husband said "it's not just one, honey, it's all of them!"

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What's the opposite of colonization?

Coronization. Everybody stays the fuck at home.

I spent hours trying to find what the opposite of “night” was.

But, in the end, I just had to call it a day.

I was sat opposite a girl yesterday, for the life of me I couldn't remember her name.

I decided to just be honest and tell her, "I'm sorry but what was your name again".
"Jessica" she said. "Do you have trouble remembering girls names" she added in a wry way.
"Only the ugly ones" I blurted out.
Anyway to cut a long story short I didn't get the job.

A year ago today, I installed a second mirror on the opposite wall from our first...

It’s something I always love to look back on.

I saw a wonderful lady on the opposite side of the road to me earlier. I said hi from a safe distance.

It was lovely 2 metre.

What is the opposite of a chick flick?

A Rush concert.

A majority of English speakers do not know the opposites of these words

Always, Coming, From, Take, Me, Down.

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I just discovered the opposite of an orgasm.

It was such an anti climax.

If the opposite of “pro” is “con,”

Then is the opposite of “progress” “Congress?”

My son says he came up with this. I thought it was pretty clever. Have you heard it before?

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There once was a child born missing an eye...

At birth the doctors decided it best to give the child a wooden eye until the family could afford to get the baby a nice glass eye.

Sadly the family could never afford it. And the boy was bullied a lot in school over it and eventually was taken out and home schooled. Everywhere he went he had...

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Three guys are walking through the woods when they find a lamp. One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie. Delighted, the genie says "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes."

The first guy immediately shouts out "I want a billion pounds." *POOF*, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50 The second man thinks for a bit, then says "I want to be the richest man alive." *POOF*, he's holding papers showing his net worth is now wel...

What's the opposite of Ernie Wise?

Kirsten Dunst

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.

He seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.The case came up in court. The Judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.The man replied..."Well your Honor, it was like this: When the l...

What do you call a deep fissure that says one thing but means the opposite?

A sarchasm

A lost hiker is on one side of a raging river when he sees a buddhist monk on the other side. There are no bridges. He has no boat. He shouts out to the monk on the opposite bank. “How do I get to the other side?”

The buddhist monk shouts back: “You are on the other side.”

One day there were three grave robbers searching through a graveyard in Central America

They came across an Ancient Mayan temple which had three doors. the first grave robber walker up to the first door and looked inside, he saw a black pedestal with nothing on it, and in the back of the room there were piles of gold and riches, so he walked in and grabbed a handful of gold, but as he ...

A Bar Opened Opposite a Church.....

The Church Prayed Daily against the bar business.

Days later the bar was struck by lightning & caught fire which destroyed it.

Bar Owner Sued the Church Authorities for the cause of its destruction, as it was an action because of their Prayer.

The Church Denied all Responsib...

What's the Opposite of a Dad Joke?

An abortion joke.

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No showering makes you attractive to the opposite sex

Sorry I meant the opposite of sex

What's the opposite of a mermaid?

Land Ho!

What's the opposite of Michael Jackson?

Michael jacks off.

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The night Lorena Bobbit severed her husband's penis, she drove a distance then tossed the 'apendage' out of her car window, striking the windshield of a vehicle driving in the opposite direction.

"Christ! Did you see the size of that bug?" To which the passenger replied, "No, but damn, it had an enormous dick!"

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"What is the opposite of Laughing?", The teacher asks the student.

Student replies, "Fucking."

The stunned teacher asks the student to explain his answer.

The student says " Laughing is ha ha ha; Whereas, Fucking is ah ah ah"!!!

What’s the opposite of Miss America?

U.S. Presidency

What’s the opposite of Himalayan Salt?

Herastandin Pepper

I told my crush that the opposite of love isn't hate, it's apathy

But she didn't care

A magician gets himself a parrot for his act

After a couple weeks of performing with the magician the parrot begins to heckle the magician during his shows. "it's under his hat, it's up his sleeve, his assistant has it."

The magician is performing on a cruise ship when the ship sinks. The magician wakes up on a piece of driftwood with ...

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Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community...

If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.

The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise Rabbi to represent them in the debate.

However, as the Rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Hebrew, they agreed that it would be a 'si...

What's the opposite of an Irish Goodbye?

Brexit

What is the opposite of fire fly?

Water fall

My wife and I are total opposites

We got in an argument about it.

I was right.

She left.

[NSFW] A monastery recently installed some new statues

And they looked great.

The head monk of the monastery decided to take a bath. But once he had undressed and ran the water, he realized that he was out of soap.

Thinking that the extra toiletries were just on the opposite side of the hall, he decided to just pop out and go grab the soap...

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A woman, about to undergo an IRS audit, asked her accountant for advice on what to wear. "Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let them think you are a pauper".

Then she asked her legal counsel the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your finest attire".

Utterly confused at this point, she went to her rabbi, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of her dilemma. "Let me tell you...

If pro is the opposite of con, what is the opposite of progress?

congress



(my dad told this one to me today and I had never heard of it so I apologize if everyone has already seen this joke before)

I found out my ex girlfriend was at the opposite end of the museum as me today.

I wanted to go say hi to her but there was just too much history between us.

What’s the opposite of a soft drink?

Alcohol




Get it? Because it’s a “hard drink”
No?
Really?
Please?
I am slowly spiralling into madness
Help me
Anyone there?

I asked a man what the opposites of ugly, curved, and reverse were.

His answer was pretty straight forward.

What's the opposite of Albert Einstein?

Alabama, because relatives is everything.

A blond sits for a medical school entrance exam.

Needless to say, he failed.

These are his answers:

Antibody - against everyone

Artery - the study of painting

Bacteria - back door to a cafeteria

Caesarean section - a district in Rome

Cat scan - searching for a lost kitty

Chronic - neck of a crow
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why is sex the opposite of banking?

Once you make a deposit, there's no more interest.

What is the opposite of Irony?

Wrinkly

(OC) What’s the opposite of a shotgun wedding?

A coathanger divorce

What’s the opposite of Sad Pie Night?

You tell me ;)

What’s the opposite of a cactus?

A BMW, it has its pricks on the inside.

What's the opposite of Near Q?

Far Q.

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