If con is the opposite of pro

then isn't congress the opposite of progress?

What's the opposite of stand up comedy?

A SITcom!

Dad: What's the opposite of ladyfingers?

Kids : no idea



Dad : mentos

What is the opposite of Christopher Reeves?

Christopher Walken.

There was a slightly long bridge, wide enough for only one car and one day, two cars tried to cross over from opposite directions and met at the middle of the bridge, obviously unable to get past the other......

One driver poked his head out of his window and yelled - "I don't make way for idiots!"

The second guy rolled his window down and yelled back - "I do!" and backed up his car...

What's the opposite of a Mail man?

A female woman

Two men are on opposite sides of a river.

The first man shouts: “How do I get to the other side?”

The second shouts back: “You are on the other side!”

The opposite of formaldehyde is

casualdejekyll.

Whats the opposite of a Popsicle?

An Obstacle.

What's the opposite of a croissant..?

A happy uncle...

What is the opposite of Microsoft Office?

Megahard Onfire

What is the opposite of irony?

Wrinkly

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call the opposite of a prostitute?

An egg. It gets laid then bought.

Did you know most people don't know the opposite to these words?

1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down

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A Man Buys His Wife A Special Type Of Dildo

A man was looking around a sex store searching for a special sex toy to buy his wife so that she won't screw around on him while he is away on a business trip for a few weeks.

After not finding anything special he asks the old man working the store.

The old man replies "Well there is...

What's the opposite of a hot dog?

A chili dog

I keep forgetting what the opposite of night is called.

I gave up and just called it a day.

What's the opposite of mitosis?

Your finger bro!

What is the opposite of ladyfingers?

Mentos!

A Bar opened opposite a Mosque!

The angry congregants of the Mosque prayed daily against the business....

Days later the Bar was struck by lightning and caught fire . The Bar owner sued the Mosque authorities for the cause , as an action by their prayer...

The Mosque denied all responsibility!

So, the judge...

What is the opposite of mango?

Womanstay. (One of *the* worst and yet best jokes my dad made. I love him.)

What is the opposite of a lesson?

A more-on!

Son: Dad, what's the opposite of Karen?

Dad: Umm, I don't know, Sharon...?

Son: But I thought Sharon was Karen.




Edit: Thank you u/Ri0tp0p0 and u/CulturedCroissant for the awards! :)

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A boob, a vagina and an asshole are debating as to who is the greatest of them all. Boob: I give milk to new born babies and I’m attractive to the opposite sex, that’s why I’m the greatest. Vagina: I give birth to babies and I accommodate the opposite sex, that’s why I’m the greatest.

Now it’s your turn to speak.

What is the opposite of Le Stop?

Lego

Carl and Clarance lived on opposite sides of the Mississippi River..

They lived their whole lives right across the river from each other, way back in the day. The nearest bridge across was 100 miles away, and both were too poor to afford an automobile, so from their youth they made a past time of shouting insults to one another from across the river.
For many yea...

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Tinder is the opposite of porn ads....

There are actually tons of hot singles in my area, But none of them are interested in me.

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Opposite of laughing

I guess sex is opposite of laughing

Laughing = hahahah

Sex = ahahah

What is the opposite of a Mermaid...

... a landlord!!

(this is my sister’s joke, I can’t take credit for it)

90% of people are unable to solve this riddle by guessing the opposite of each word.

Always



Coming



From



Take



Me



Down

Teacher: What is the opposite of antibiotic

Student: Uncle-biotic

What is the opposite of mansplaining?

Missunderstanding.

What is the opposite of Nautica clothing?

Ica clothing

The opposite of isolate...

is yousoearly. :)

So, if the opposite of 'pro' is 'con'

What's the opposite of 'progress'?

I spent hours trying to find what the opposite of “night” was.

But, in the end, I just had to call it a day.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two policemen are walking down the street and they find a mirror.

First one picks it up, looks at it and says: "Holy shit man, this dude looks so familiar."
Other one looks at it and says: "Man you're right! We better take this to the captain!"
When they come to the police station they show the mirror to the captain and ask him if he knows this man. Captai...

Reposters are the opposite of liars

Liars swear they made nothing up.
Reposters swear they made *everything* up.

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The opposite of assassin

is dickdickout

I was sitting opposite to a stunning thai girl in the train

saying to myself "please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection!".

Unfortunately, she did.

A refrigerator is the opposite of a drug addict.

It starts in a box and moves to a house.

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Which two US states are opposites?

Virgin-ia and I-da-hoe

The opposite of Neil Gaiman...

Is Stand StraightWoman

Q: What’s opposite of mermaid?

A: Landlady

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What is the opposite of a female orgasm?

Ben Shapiro.

"Soldier, tell me what is the opposite of cancer."

"Can't, sir!"

My 5 yr old son came up with this - what is the opposite of Kathmandu?

DogLadyDont

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The Great Debate

Several centuries ago the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy.There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community so the Pope offered a deal.

He would hold a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Ita...

What is the opposite of "onion"?

I guess it could be either of "offioff", "offyouoff", "offion", "onioff", "offyouon" or "onyouoff"

A lost hiker is on one side of a raging river when he sees a buddhist monk on the other side. There are no bridges. He has no boat. He shouts out to the monk on the opposite bank. “How do I get to the other side?”

The buddhist monk shouts back: “You are on the other side.”

What’s the opposite of Protest?

Contest.

Whats the opposite of Progress?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the opposite for Manchester United?

Women's breasts are divided.

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A communist spy and an American spy are camping out in opposite buildings on Moscow.

Each one knows the other is there but thinks the other does not know that they are there. After hours of spying each one decides they need to go out for some fresh air. However, since both would be easily recognized they decide to put on disguises. The Communist, a female, puts on an elaborate mal...

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This bloke walks into the poshest restaurant in town.

'Where's the pissing, motherfucking manager, you cocksucking arsewipe?' he inquires of one of the waiters. The waiter is taken-aback and replies, 'Excuse me sir but could you please refrain from using that sort of language in here. I will get the manager as soon as I can'.

The manager comes o...

The opposite of "constitution"...

...is "prostitution"...

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.

He seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.The case came up in court. The Judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.The man replied..."Well your Honor, it was like this: When the l...

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If you're male, sex is the opposite of having a bank account...

Once you've made a deposit there's no more interest.

Two blondes were standing on opposite sides of a lake

-Hey, how do I get to the other side? Yelled one blonde

-You are already on the other side. The other one answered

A young adult named Bob enters a confessional

Bob: “Forgive me father, for I have sined.”

Priest: “It’s pronounced ‘sinned’, but that’s unimportant, what have you done?”

Bob: “I divided the opposite side by the Hypotenuse on a right triangle”

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What's the opposite of a poo pussy?

A Peacock

(bad taste) What's the opposite of Christopher Walkens?

Christopher Reeves

Why was the pirate dressed in a cheerleading costume on opposite day?

He kept saying “Raa raa raa!”

Three men found a genie lamp that grants the opposite of what is wished

The first man wishes that he would win the lottery. He buys his first ticket, and loses, buys his second ticket, and loses. Every week the man dumped his savings into lottery tickets, until he was completely broke.

The second man wishes for a healthy and long life. He decides to abuse his wis...

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I realized that Tinder is the exact opposite of most websites in porn website ads.

There’s tons of hot single ladies in my area, but none of them want to fuck me.

What is the opposite of adulting?

Just kidding.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Job advertisement

A company was searching for someone to pack items. The only requirement for the job was to be able to count to ten.

The first applicant comes in and is asked to count to ten.

>10 - 9 - 8 - 7 - 6 - 5 - 4 - 3 - 2 - 1

Well, that's backwards. Can you also do it in the correct ord...

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A new housing development begins in a small residential neighbourhood.

As the construction workers are working, they notice the six year old girl who lives opposite the site is sitting there, watching them with obvious interest. For the first few days, she just sits there, watching them. They give her a friendly wave, and she just smiles and waves back.

As ...

Opposites Attract

My beautiful, smart wife told me that

What's the opposite of Joaquin Phoenix?

Quinoa Phoenix

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Flossing is the opposite of masturbating

Everyone says they floss but no one actually does it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the opposite of colonization?

Coronization. Everybody stays the fuck at home.

The opposite of 'isolate' is...

Usoearly. ._.

What's the opposite of a mermaid?

Land Ho!

What's the opposite of a life hack?

Good advice.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three men are walking through the woods when they find an old, battered lamp.

One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a genie.

"After all these years, I'm finally free!" the genie booms. "You know what, it's been so long that I'll make an exception and grant each one of you 3 wishes."

The first guy immediately blurts out, "I want a billion dollars!" In a ...

What's the opposite of goodwill?

Badwon't. I'll see myself out...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The worst part about opposite day is

A girl finally agreed to have sex with me.

If the opposite of “pro” is “con,”

Then is the opposite of “progress” “Congress?”

My son says he came up with this. I thought it was pretty clever. Have you heard it before?

What’s the opposite of a cactus?

A BMW, it has its pricks on the inside.

What's the opposite of an elephant ear?

Who cares? It's completely *earelephant*

What’s the opposite of a wet nurse?

A dry Doc.

I saw a wonderful lady on the opposite side of the road to me earlier. I said hi from a safe distance.

It was lovely 2 metre.

A woman saw in the news that a crazy driver was going in the opposite direction on a one way road, so she called to warn her husband.

Her husband said "it's not just one, honey, it's all of them!"

What is the building opposite the Sistine Chapel?

The Fifteen Chapel.

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