UPJOKE
oppositionotherdifferentreversecontraryinversepairedpolarreciprocalopponentantonymface-to-faceadditive inverseface to faceopposite word

What's the opposite of "young, dumb, and full of cum"?

"Old, smart, and can't trust a fart".

What’s the opposite of Holy Water?

Nestle

I was on a train and this woman opposite looked at me and said, "Everytime you smile, I feel like inviting you to my place...."

I asked, "Are you single?"

She replied, "No, I am a dentist."

What's the opposite of an Aphrodisiac?

Wedding cake

What's the opposite of Christopher Reeves?

Christopher Walken

What is the opposite of a croissant?

A happy uncle.

79% of people don't know the opposite for the following:

1) Always 2) Coming 3) From 4) Take 5) Me 6) Down


:D

Dating is kind of like the opposite of coding

You start with Java before getting comfortable with Python.

My parents couldn't have more opposite jobs. My dad works behind the camera for his real estate company...

My mom works in front of the camera for her fake taxi company.

I had two opposite opinions at my last hospital appointment

It was a pair o' docs.

What's the opposite of Stephen Hawking?

Stephen Walking

why are women and salads opposites?

You dress a salad right before you eat it

Does anyone know the opposite of export elephant?

It's important.

What is the opposite of a woman wearing a burka

A naked man wearing a blindfold

What's the opposite of a sausage fest?

Clambake.

A wife sits down opposite her husband and takes his hand in hers.

Wife: Honey, I’ve got something to tell you.

Husband: What is it?

Wife: Darling, I’m pregnant.

Husband: Hello pregnant, I’m dad!

Wife: .....no you’re not.

I spent two years figuring out the opposite word for night.

But after all that time I decided to give up and call it a day.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Having no luck with the opposite sex! I am finally out of the closet...and now am...

'Buy'sexual.

What is the opposite of lady fingers?

Mentos.

My wife and I woke up on opposite sides of the bed.

The aliens are getting sloppy.

The opposite of Formaldehyde is...

Casualdejekyll

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A boob, vagina and asshole are debating who is the greatest of the three.

Boob: I produce milk for babies and I am attractive to the opposite sex.

Vagina: That's nothing, I give birth to babies and can accommodate the opposite sex.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.<...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community..

If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.

The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise Rabbi to represent them in the debate.

However, as the Rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Hebrew, they agreed that it would be a 'si...

If con is the opposite of pro...

... then isn't Congress the opposite of progress?

what is the opposite of downvoted into oblivion?

Upvoted into skyrim.

What do you call a hippo who says something and does the complete opposite?

A hippocrite

Dad: What's the opposite of ladyfingers?

Kids : no idea



Dad : mentos

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does one saggy boob say to the opposite saggy boob?

“If we don’t get some support, people will think we’re nuts"

Two men meet on opposite sides of a river......

One shouts to the other, "I need you to help me get to the other side!" The other guy replies, "You're *on* the other side!"

What do you call the opposite of a lady’s finger?

Mentos

Pregnant woman on a bus...

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus she noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.

She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.

The man seemed more amused. And each time she switched seats, the man got increasingly am...

There was a slightly long bridge, wide enough for only one car and one day, two cars tried to cross over from opposite directions and met at the middle of the bridge, obviously unable to get past the other......

One driver poked his head out of his window and yelled - "I don't make way for idiots!"

The second guy rolled his window down and yelled back - "I do!" and backed up his car...

What's the opposite of stand up comedy?

A SITcom!

90% of people are unable to solve this riddle by guessing the opposite of each word.

Always



Coming



From



Take



Me



Down

How can you tell if someone is a geneticist or kinky?

Ask them what the opposite of “dominant” is.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Tinder is the opposite of porn ads....

There are actually tons of hot singles in my area, But none of them are interested in me.

Two blondes are standing on opposite banks of the river.

-How do I get to the opposite side ?
-You are already there

What is the opposite of Underwear?

Derwear

The opposite of Microsoft Office is...

Macrohard Onfire.

What’s the opposite of tight quarters?

Loose change.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What kind of growth comes from standing close to a very attractive member of the opposite sex?

Organic growth

Son: Dad, what's the opposite of Karen?

Dad: Umm, I don't know, Sharon...?

Son: But I thought Sharon was Karen.




Edit: Thank you u/Ri0tp0p0 and u/CulturedCroissant for the awards! :)

A Bar opened opposite a Mosque!

The angry congregants of the Mosque prayed daily against the business....

Days later the Bar was struck by lightning and caught fire . The Bar owner sued the Mosque authorities for the cause , as an action by their prayer...

The Mosque denied all responsibility!

So, the judge...

Murphy's Laws of Computing.

1. When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.

2. When you get to the point when you really understand your computer, it's probably obselete.

3. The first place to look for information, is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it....

I keep forgetting what the opposite of night is called.

I gave up and just called it a day.

What's the opposite of mitosis?

Your finger bro!

What's the opposite of a hot dog?

A chili dog

New Bull

Three bulls heard that the rancher was going to bring yet another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion among them.

First Bull: "Boys, we all know I've been here 5 years. Once we settled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be mine. Now, I don't k...

I was sitting opposite to a stunning thai girl in the train

saying to myself "please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection!".

Unfortunately, she did.

What is the opposite of mango?

Womanstay. (One of *the* worst and yet best jokes my dad made. I love him.)

Opposites

A theology professor at a rural community college started the class by asking the students, "What is the opposite of joy?" "Sadness," said one student. "And the opposite of depression?" "Elation," said another. "And how about the opposite of woe?"

A redneck in the back of the class stood up f...

A man goes to the doctor

He presses gently on his own knee. "Doc, I gotta weird problem. It really hurts when I press here. But that's not all..."

He presses a spot on his forehead. "...It also hurts when I press here."

Then he presses his opposite elbow. "AND it hurts when I press here. What's wrong with me?"...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Pope and Bill Clinton die on the same day

Pope and Bill Clinton die on the same day. Due to a bureaucratic mistake, Pope goes to hell, Bill Clinton goes to heaven but they correct the mistake after a short time. On their way to opposite sides Bill Clinton and Pope run into each other and start a conversation. Pope talks about how much he wa...

What is the opposite of mansplaining?

Missunderstanding.

So, if the opposite of 'pro' is 'con'

What's the opposite of 'progress'?

A lost hiker is on one side of a raging river when he sees a buddhist monk on the other side. There are no bridges. He has no boat. He shouts out to the monk on the opposite bank. “How do I get to the other side?”

The buddhist monk shouts back: “You are on the other side.”

What is the opposite of a lesson?

A more-on!

What is the opposite of a Mermaid...

... a landlord!!

(this is my sister’s joke, I can’t take credit for it)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young man and his boss have to travel to a city 500 miles away. Due to cost cutting measures put in place by the boss, they take the train instead of the flight which was four hours faster.

As they entered their train compartment, the young man and the boss found themselves opposite to a gorgeous twenty something girl and her sixty year old looking mother.

Within a few minutes, the young man and the girl start giving quick glances at each other. After twenty minutes or so, the ...

Carl and Clarance lived on opposite sides of the Mississippi River..

They lived their whole lives right across the river from each other, way back in the day. The nearest bridge across was 100 miles away, and both were too poor to afford an automobile, so from their youth they made a past time of shouting insults to one another from across the river.
For many yea...

My 5 yr old son came up with this - what is the opposite of Kathmandu?

DogLadyDont

Ask Any Librarian, What’s The Opposite of Capitalism?

lowercasism

What is the opposite of Le Stop?

Lego

What is the opposite of Nautica clothing?

Ica clothing

Little old man on the bus

A little old man gets on a crowded city bus, every seat filled. A tough looking bloke with a lot of prison tattoos is kicking his feet onto the seat opposite him, keeping it from being used.

The little old waddles over says 'scuze me' and pushes the tough bloke's legs off the seat.
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The opposite of assassin

is dickdickout

The opposite of isolate is

yousoearly.

Teacher: What is the opposite of antibiotic

Student: Uncle-biotic

Girls and magnets

Came up with it earlier today, thought you guys might appreciate it.

What's the difference between girls and magnets?

Both are attracted to opposites, but only one sticks together.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Skydiving (long)

Once there was a man who decided to fulfil his lifelong dream and go skydiving. So he went to the airport and signed up for a class. Upon arriving for the class, he discovered that the teacher was an elderly Indian gentleman. (East Indian, not Native American)

"Good day, good day everyone and...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is the opposite of a female orgasm?

Ben Shapiro.

Three gulag inmates

"Three gulag inmates are telling each other what they’re in for. The first one says: 'I was five minutes late for work, and they charged me with sabotage.'

The second says: 'For me it was just the opposite: I was five minutes early for work, and they charged me with espionage.'

The t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Opposite of laughing

I guess sex is opposite of laughing

Laughing = hahahah

Sex = ahahah

Q: What’s opposite of mermaid?

A: Landlady

What’s the opposite of a cactus?

A BMW, it has its pricks on the inside.

What’s the opposite of Protest?

Contest.

Whats the opposite of Progress?

What's the opposite of a mermaid?

Land Ho!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A communist spy and an American spy are camping out in opposite buildings on Moscow.

Each one knows the other is there but thinks the other does not know that they are there. After hours of spying each one decides they need to go out for some fresh air. However, since both would be easily recognized they decide to put on disguises. The Communist, a female, puts on an elaborate mal...

What is the opposite of "onion"?

I guess it could be either of "offioff", "offyouoff", "offion", "onioff", "offyouon" or "onyouoff"

The opposite of Neil Gaiman...

Is Stand StraightWoman

Reposters are the opposite of liars

Liars swear they made nothing up.
Reposters swear they made *everything* up.

Difference between capitalism and communism

Q: What's the difference between capitalism and communism?
A: Under capitalism, Man exploits Man. Under communism, it is exactly the opposite.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 guys are hiking through the woods when they find a lamp.

One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie.

It booms "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes." The first guy immediately blurts out "I want a billion dollars." POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in f...

A refrigerator is the opposite of a drug addict.

It starts in a box and moves to a house.

My friend only has a left foot...

Every time he buys shoes he saves the right one, dreaming of a day when he meets a women with only a right foot.

I keep telling him that even if this dream woman exists, they'll probably never meet because they run in opposite circles.

The opposite of "constitution"...

...is "prostitution"...

"Soldier, tell me what is the opposite of cancer."

"Can't, sir!"

Shout out to those who don’t know the opposite of in.

They need the help.

Three men found a genie lamp that grants the opposite of what is wished

The first man wishes that he would win the lottery. He buys his first ticket, and loses, buys his second ticket, and loses. Every week the man dumped his savings into lottery tickets, until he was completely broke.

The second man wishes for a healthy and long life. He decides to abuse his wis...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.