UPJOKE
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Opposite Jokes

76% of people don’t know opposite words for the following:

1) Always 2) Coming 3) From 4) Take 5) Me 6) Down

What's the opposite of being able to wrap your head around something?

A turban :D

(It's my joke, MINE! If anyone *ever* wants to repost this, give me credit!)

What's the opposite of ground beef?

High steaks

What’s the opposite if Hibernation?

Goodbyebernation.

What is the opposite of lovey?

Haiti

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the opposite of unbridled lust?

Dressage sex.

What's the opposite of irony?

\- Wrinkly

A skydiver is unable to open their chute and sees a guy passing them in the opposite direction holding a matchstick.

Skydiver says, "do you know anything about parachutes?"

Guy replies, "do you know anything about gas cookers?"

I was on a train and this woman opposite looked at me and said, "Everytime you smile, I feel like inviting you to my place...."

I asked, "Are you single?"

She replied, "No, I am a dentist."

What’s the opposite of Holy Water?

Nestle

What’s the opposite of drunken noodle?

Soba noodle

If Con is the Opposite of Pro...

Does that make Congress the opposite of Progress?

A blonde and a brunette are walking on opposite sides of the river...

The brunette yells to the blonde, "How do you get to the other side of the river?"

To which the blonde replies, "Um, you ARE on the other side!"

What's the opposite of "young, dumb, and full of cum"?

"Old, smart, and can't trust a fart".

It's opposite day and I'm stuck in a bit of a pickle.

I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to get it out...

What’s the opposite of a croissant?

A happy uncle.

What is the opposite of sensei?

Nonsensei

What is the opposite of a wandering Jew?

A Roamin’ Catholic

What's the opposite of Pyrite?

Cake wrong.

What is the opposites of Lady Fingers?

Mentoes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A boob, vagina and asshole are debating who is the greatest of the three.

Boob: I produce milk for babies and I am attractive to the opposite sex.

Vagina: That's nothing, I give birth to babies and can accommodate the opposite sex.

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The opposite of enlightment is ignorance

That makes me delighted

90% of people are unable to solve this riddle by guessing the opposite of each word.

Always



Coming



From



Take



Me



Down

What's the opposite of Christopher Reeves?

Christopher Walken

What do you call the opposite of an iPad mini?

A maxipad.

Dating is kind of like the opposite of coding

You start with Java before getting comfortable with Python.

What's the opposite of a sausage fest?

Clambake.

Dad: What's the opposite of ladyfingers?

Kids : no idea



Dad : mentos

The opposite of formaldehyde is

casualdejekyll.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Tinder is the opposite of porn ads....

There are actually tons of hot singles in my area, But none of them are interested in me.

A wife sits down opposite her husband and takes his hand in hers.

Wife: Honey, I’ve got something to tell you.

Husband: What is it?

Wife: Darling, I’m pregnant.

Husband: Hello pregnant, I’m dad!

Wife: .....no you’re not.

What is the opposite of a woman wearing a burka

A naked man wearing a blindfold

A burglar breaks into a home and holds the husband and wife in it hostage.

(Disclaimer: I believe this is OC because I heard it in Cantonese and I've translated it, so also, apologies for bad English)

A burglar breaks into a home and holds the husband and wife in it hostage. At gunpoint, he forces the two to sit on chairs facing the opposite way, back to each other,...

I had two opposite opinions at my last hospital appointment

It was a pair o' docs.

The opposite of Microsoft Office is...

Macrohard Onfire.

what is the opposite of downvoted into oblivion?

Upvoted into skyrim.

I spent hours trying to find what the opposite of “night” was.

But, in the end, I just had to call it a day.

I spent two years figuring out the opposite word for night.

But after all that time I decided to give up and call it a day.

why are women and salads opposites?

You dress a salad right before you eat it

Does anyone know the opposite of export elephant?

It's important.

There was a slightly long bridge, wide enough for only one car and one day, two cars tried to cross over from opposite directions and met at the middle of the bridge, obviously unable to get past the other......

One driver poked his head out of his window and yelled - "I don't make way for idiots!"

The second guy rolled his window down and yelled back - "I do!" and backed up his car...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does one saggy boob say to the opposite saggy boob?

“If we don’t get some support, people will think we’re nuts"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Having no luck with the opposite sex! I am finally out of the closet...and now am...

'Buy'sexual.

What do you call a hippo who says something and does the complete opposite?

A hippocrite

What do you call the opposite of a lady’s finger?

Mentos

Two men meet on opposite sides of a river......

One shouts to the other, "I need you to help me get to the other side!" The other guy replies, "You're *on* the other side!"

Fishin'

A man is at the river standing on the bank, fishing. He's there all day and doesn't even get a bite. He looks at the other bank and sees a woman pulling up TWO full stringers of fish!

Next day, he goes fishing and goes to the exact spot the woman was the day before. All day. Nothing. Not...

What's the opposite of stand up comedy?

A SITcom!

Son: Dad, what's the opposite of Karen?

Dad: Umm, I don't know, Sharon...?

Son: But I thought Sharon was Karen.




Edit: Thank you u/Ri0tp0p0 and u/CulturedCroissant for the awards! :)

My wife and I woke up on opposite sides of the bed.

The aliens are getting sloppy.

A lost hiker is on one side of a raging river when he sees a buddhist monk on the other side. There are no bridges. He has no boat. He shouts out to the monk on the opposite bank. “How do I get to the other side?”

The buddhist monk shouts back: “You are on the other side.”

A Bar opened opposite a Mosque!

The angry congregants of the Mosque prayed daily against the business....

Days later the Bar was struck by lightning and caught fire . The Bar owner sued the Mosque authorities for the cause , as an action by their prayer...

The Mosque denied all responsibility!

So, the judge...

So, if the opposite of 'pro' is 'con'

What's the opposite of 'progress'?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hole-y Golf

Jesus, Moses and an old man are playing golf one day.

The hole is a par 3 with a huge lake in front of the tee.

Jesus steps up, takes his swing, BOOM, the ball flies up and lands on the edge of the opposite side of the lake.

Jesus walks across the water, hits his ball to land ...

I keep forgetting what the opposite of night is called.

I gave up and just called it a day.

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.

He seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.The case came up in court. The Judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.The man replied..."Well your Honor, it was like this: When the l...

I was sitting opposite to a stunning thai girl in the train

saying to myself "please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection!".

Unfortunately, she did.

What is the opposite of mansplaining?

Missunderstanding.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old man is walking down the street with a bag slung over his shoulder...

A young man is walking down the street in the opposite direction. As they are about to pass, the curious youngster asks, “Hey old man, what’s in the bag?”. The old man replies, “In this bag young sir are magic apples!”. The young fella replies, “Bullshit!”. The old man takes the bag off of his shoul...

What's the opposite of mitosis?

Your finger bro!

What is the opposite of mango?

Womanstay. (One of *the* worst and yet best jokes my dad made. I love him.)

My 5 yr old son came up with this - what is the opposite of Kathmandu?

DogLadyDont

What's the opposite of a hot dog?

A chili dog

Two blondes are standing on opposite banks of the river.

-How do I get to the opposite side ?
-You are already there

What is the opposite of a Mermaid...

... a landlord!!

(this is my sister’s joke, I can’t take credit for it)

What's the opposite of a mermaid?

Land Ho!

The opposite of isolate is

yousoearly.

What’s the opposite of a cactus?

A BMW, it has its pricks on the inside.

What is the opposite of Underwear?

Derwear

What’s the opposite of tight quarters?

Loose change.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community..

If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.

The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise Rabbi to represent them in the debate.

However, as the Rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Hebrew, they agreed that it would be a 'si...

What is the opposite of a lesson?

A more-on!

Ask Any Librarian, What’s The Opposite of Capitalism?

lowercasism

Carl and Clarance lived on opposite sides of the Mississippi River..

They lived their whole lives right across the river from each other, way back in the day. The nearest bridge across was 100 miles away, and both were too poor to afford an automobile, so from their youth they made a past time of shouting insults to one another from across the river.
For many yea...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The opposite of assassin

is dickdickout

Shout out to those who don’t know the opposite of in.

They need the help.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is the opposite of a female orgasm?

Ben Shapiro.

What’s the opposite of Protest?

Contest.

Whats the opposite of Progress?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two soldiers are sitting on opposite sides of a river

They do not understand each other's language. The one on the east side(american) calls to the other "how did you get over there did you parachute or did you swim?" All the while he made a signal with his arms of a parachute coming down and swung his arms as if swimming. Then he proceeds to say "I se...

What is the opposite of Nautica clothing?

Ica clothing

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A communist spy and an American spy are camping out in opposite buildings on Moscow.

Each one knows the other is there but thinks the other does not know that they are there. After hours of spying each one decides they need to go out for some fresh air. However, since both would be easily recognized they decide to put on disguises. The Communist, a female, puts on an elaborate mal...

Opposites

A theology professor at a rural community college started the class by asking the students, "What is the opposite of joy?" "Sadness," said one student. "And the opposite of depression?" "Elation," said another. "And how about the opposite of woe?"

A redneck in the back of the class stood up f...

What is the opposite of Le Stop?

Lego

"A man goes to prison" joke with two opposite punchlines.

My grandpa used to tell this joke, one day I heard someone else tell it with almost an exact opposite punchline. I've never tried to type it out before, so sorry if this sucks, but here's how I first heard it:

---

A man goes to prison and the first night while he's laying in bed contem...

Q: What’s opposite of mermaid?

A: Landlady

Why Trojans are a terrible brand name

Trojans are a terrible name for a brand of condoms. Here's why: when you think of Trojans you think of the Trojan Horse. What's the Trojan Horse do? It sneaks past your defenses, then in the middle of the night it breaks open and a whole bunch of little dudes come spilling out of it. That's exactly ...

Teacher: What is the opposite of antibiotic

Student: Uncle-biotic

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