UPJOKE
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My buddy had a threesome with his GF and her twin….

I asked him how he could tell them apart? He told me her brother had a mustache…

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I once dated a girl who had a twin. People asked me how I could tell them apart...

Lisa painted her fingernails red & Bob had a cock.

A woman was 3 months pregnant when she fell into a deep coma and woke up after about 10 months.

The woman asked the doctor about her baby.

Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl. They’re both fine. And, your brother named them for you.

Woman: No No No! Not my brother. He’s an idiot! What did he name the girl?

Doctor: Denise.

Woman: Ohh, that’s actually a nice n...

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption.

One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named Amal. The other goes to a family in Spain. They name him Juan. 

Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal.

He resp...

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My mate broke his leg so I went to see him at home. I walked in and what do I see? He had two gorgeous older sisters, and they're TWINS ! I had never met them before, apparently they live at the uni and were visiting.

Anyway, so I went up to my friend's room, “How are you mate?”

“Yeah I’m okay. But do me a favour mate. Go fetch my socks from downstairs. My feet are freezing.” he tells me.

So I rushed downstairs and found his two sisters perched up on the couch, right where his socks lay.

I sa...

A friend of mine said, “Wow! Your wife and your daughter look like twins.”

I said, “Well, they were separated at birth.”

If I ever have twin daughters, I'd name the first one Kate..

....and the second one Duplikate.

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What do you call a guy who has had sex with twin sisters?

A Doppelbanger.

I've been cheating on my girlfriend with her twin, but it's OK because I can tell them apart.

Brian has a moustache.

Doctor twin visits pastor twin

A couple has identical twin sons.

After they finish school, they go to separate cities for university: one studies medicine and eventually gets his MD degree; the other decides to become a man of the cloth and gets his DD (Doctor of Divinity).

The doctor settles down near the city wher...

A 75 year old man with all white hair is dating a 22 year old girl. His girlfriend is pregnant. After the birth he asks the nurse “well nurse, how did I do?” The nurse replied “you did great she had twins.” The old man responded “ A little snow on the roof and I still got a fire in the furnace”

To This the nurse replied “ Well you may want to clean the filters because those babies are black”

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Everyone knows the story of Achilles, but no one remembers his twin brother Bophadese.

Their mother Thetis, dunked them both into the River Styx to make them immortal. She held Achilles by the heel and Bophades by the testicles, and while everyone has heard of Achilles Heel, very few are familiar with Bophades Nuts.

-My wife read the book "Twins" and she gave birth to twins

\-Mine read the book "Three little girls" and she gave birth to triplets

\-Oh my god! I left my wife reading "Ali baba and the forty thieves"

Pregnant woman on a bus...

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus she noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.

She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.

The man seemed more amused. And each time she switched seats, the man got increasingly am...

Twins!

A very ugly woman walks into Wal-Mart with her two kids. The Wal-Mart greeter asks, "Are they twins?" The ugly woman says, "No, he's 9 and she's 7. Why? Do you think they really look alike?"

"No," replies the greeter. "I just can't believe you got laid twice."

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I’ve been dating twins.

It’s hard to tell them apart sometimes. Susie has blonde hair, while Mike has a dick.

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I used to date twins...

... and people always asked me how I could tell them apart during sex.

I told them I used this simple little method:

You see, Sophie always had red nail polish on her toenails and Steve had a dick.

I thought tonight was my chance to get it on with a couple of blonde twins

Turned out I was just with my girlfriend and I had one drink too many!

My cousin “I'm expecting twins!”

Me, “Finally two kids from the same man.”

I met conjoined twins and I'm not sure which one I like more.

They're neck and neck.

Why does Spiderman hate driving with his evil twin?

Because he’s a bad parallel Parker

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An 18 year-old Italian girl tells her mother she missed her period for two months...

Very worried, the mother goes to the farmacia (drugstore) and buys a pregnancy test. She brings it to her daughter who takes the test. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing,
crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"

The...

4 men are in the hospital waiting room waiting for their babies The nurse walks in and tells the first man: "Congratulations you're having twins." The man responds: "That's a crazy coincidence, i work for the Minnesota twins."

The nurse tells the second man: "Congratulations you're having triplets."

The man responds: "That's a crazy coincidence, i work for the 3M company."

The nurse tells the third man: "Congratulations You're having quadruplets."

The third man responds: "That's a crazy coincidence i ...

If there are two twins on Death Row

Don't speak or you might finish each other's

What did the Spanish firefighter name his twin boys?

Hosea and Hose-B

There are a pair of twins called Ving and Ling. Ving decided to go to the town hall to change his name. Ling decided to give him a lift there. When they arrived Ling reminded Ving that he would disgrace their family if he changed his name to Lee.

Ving takes a form and quickly fills it out to change his name. He sends off the form, but immediately starts to regret it. He is told that to revoke his form he must pay a small fee. Ling takes out her purse and is about to hand over the money when suddenly…
A man, their father, bursts through th...

LPT: You will fail your calculus exam if you sit next to identical twins.

It’s hard..to differentiate between them.

Just found out that my parents love my twin brother more than me.

Still, it was nice of them to invite me to his surprise birthday party.

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A friend was bragging to me that he was having sex with both a girl and her twin.I asked,how can you tell them apart?

He replied,her brother has a moustache!

My Friend Had Twins Over the Pandemic

I ran into her for the first time in ages and asked how the little ones were doing. She said Amal and Juan were just fine and were growing like weeds.

I asked to see a picture of them and she showed me a single baby on her phone.

“Aren’t there two of them?” I asked.

She replied:...

A husband and wife give up their identical twin boys for adoption. They name one of them Juan and the other Amol

Years later the wife receives a letter from Juan reaching out to her, he included a picture. Elated she showed her husband who was excited to see his son doing so well in life.. weeks later they receive a letter from Amol telling them how well he is doing and also included a picture. Wife asks hubb...

Identical Twins

A teenage girl gave birth to identical twin boys. As she realized she was not ready to take care of young children, let alone 2 boys, she made the difficult decision to give them up for adoption.

The boys were adopted immediately. One of them was adopted by a lovely Egyptian family who decide...

My dad was a co-joined twin.

My dad was a conjoined twin.

We used to call his brother my uncle on my father's side.

They did get surgically separated though.

Now he's my uncle once removed.

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Siamese twins walk into a bar in Australia...

Siamese twins walk into a bar in Australia and park themselves on a bar stool.
One of them says to the bartender, "Don't mind us; we're joined at the hip. I'm John, he's Jim. Two Fosters beers, draft please."
The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pour...

Imagine if jesus had been born a Siamese twin...

...it would have been the perfect double cross!

Amal and Juan are identical twins. Their mom only carries one baby photo in her wallet.

Because if you've seen Juan you've seen Amal.

Two friends are chatting when one says 'I had a date with identical twins last night' the other friend asks 'any luck?'

'Yes and no' replied the friend

What do you call twins?

Synchronized swimmers

A 3 month pregnant woman falls into a deep coma...

She awakens from her coma in the hospital around a year later. She quickly asks the doctor "how is my baby?" The doctor said "you had twins, a boy and a girl, and they are in the care of your brother who also named the pair." The mother says "what? No, not my brother. He's an idiot." "What did he na...

What do you call twins before they're born?

Wombmates

The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family....

On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr.Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon."
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to...."
"O...

A husband and wife are expecting twins

A husband and wife are expecting twins; she's pregnant with a girl and a boy. A couple of weeks before her due date, the wife is hanging out with her brother at home and suddenly has shooting pains in her abdomen. Her husband is out of town for work, so she has her brother drive her straight to the ...

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When I was about 9 years old

When I was about 9 years old

When I was about 9 years old, I accompanied my father to the funeral of a friend of his, someone who I didn't even know.

When we got there, I stayed in a corner waiting for the time to pass.

Then a man approached me and said, 'Enjoy life kid, be happ...

My wife told me that she was pregnant with twin girls.

I told her that I wanted to name the first one Kate. She asked what I wanted to name the second one. I answered Duplicate.

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I heard twins share a lot in common

Time to make fun of my brother for having a small dick

When you’re telling a joke to identical twins, make sure you tell them the entire thing.

Because you just can’t tell them a part.

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I was born 20 minutes before my twin brother

But I set up my Reddit account a month before. So today is all mine fuckface.

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I was walking through the park,

When these two kids started verbally abusing me. So I told them off.

Then the mother got involved with a real volley of the worst swear words I have ever heard. So I asked her, are the children twins? She said how the fuck can they be twins? One is 12 the other is 8 you stupid fucking Prick. ...

The twin twist

One day, Einstein has to speak at an important science conference.

On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:

“I’m sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!”

The driver agrees: “You’re right. As your driver, I attended all o...

I just cheated on my wife with her twin

He was a great guy

Why do people keep on making jokes about the twin towers?

Because they go down so well

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I spent all day calling my mates to tell them about the 3 way I had last night with twins

One guy asked if I could tell them apart.

I said absolutely! Chris was a blonde with medium sized breasts, and Pat was a dude.

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My conjoined twin told me a great joke earlier.

It was so funny, I almost pissed himself.

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A man tells his friends his elbow hurts...

He says that nothing he's tried has worked, so his friend suggests that go to the pharmacy.

"They got this new machine! When you pour in a urine sample and it'll tell you what's wrong and how to fix it!"

So, following his advice, he finds this machine and pours his urine sample in. Fi...

When I was a boy ...

I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.


Credit: Mitch Hedberg

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Salesman

A kid from Louisiana moves to California and is looking for a job.

The manager asks, “Do you have any sales experience?”

The kid says, “Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Louisiana."

The boss liked the kid so he gave him the job.

“You start tomorrow. After we close we'...

Twin sisters in a Newfoundland nursing home were turning 100 years old. The editor of the local newspaper told a photographer to get over there and take pictures of the 100 year old twins.

One of the twins was hard of hearing and the other could hear quite well.

Once the photographer arrived he asked the sisters to sit on the sofa.

The deaf sister said to her twin "WHAT DID HE SAY?" "WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!" said the other.

"Now get a little closer to...

My father was born with a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.

I have an uncle, once removed.

When I first realised I was a conjoined twin.....

I was beside myself!

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Twin Switch

A man once dated a woman with a twin. The twins got it into their minds that they could switch places and he would end up having sex unknowingly with her twin.

One night he’s in bed and she turns off the light to make it harder for him to realize their trick. She makes up a last minute excuse...

If you date twin girls, and one of them smokes weed..

Is that like getting two birds with one stoned?

Two identical twin brothers, George and Ted, turned 100. George's hearing was just as good as ever, but Ted was slightly deaf.

An attractive female photographer came to the retirement home to take the brothers' picture. "I'm going to take your picture," she said.

"What did she say?" asked Ted. "She says she's going to take our picture," replied George. So George and Ted followed the photographer to a room.

Ins...

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A pair of conjoined twins went to see the psychiatrist. Twin A confessed to wanting to have sex with twin B. The shrink responded...

Hey, you do you.

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My asshole twin brother just called me from prison.

He said: "Gil... remember how we used to finish each other's sentences?"

I told my wife I'd pick up Burger and Chips on the way home from work last night.

I think she regrets letting me name the twins.

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Whats the worst thing you can say to a twin

Go fuck yourself

I finally realized my parents favored my twin brother.

It hit me when they asked me to blow up balloons for his surprise birthday party.

Why do twins usually know each others habits so well right from the moment of birth?

Because they have been wombmates for 9 months already!

Two fetuses sit in their moms uterus.

One of them wears a scarf, hat and gloves. His twin asks him why he’s dressed like that. He answers:
“l don’t want to catch a cold like the red nosed guy who pops in here all the time and drips snot!”

A teenage girl gives birth to twins and puts them up for adoption...

She never hears from them again except for the news that one baby was adopted by a Mexican couple, and the other was adopted by a couple from the Middle East.

Years later she hires a private investigator to track down her two adopted children, just so she can find out how their lives have bee...

I just found out that my girlfriend has a twin sister.

I saw her on Tinder.

PSA: the term “Hipsters” is politically incorrect and is considered an offensive slur in many circles

Please use the medically-recommended term “conjoined twins” instead.

Two Siamese twins got into a fight.

It was really hard to separate them.

A young couple in poverty give birth to identical twins.

After much consideration they decide that the best thing for the baby boys would be to give them up for adoption so that they can have a better shot in life. One boy goes to a Spanish family who name him Juan, the second goes to an Indian family who name him Amal.

18 years pass when the birth...

My twin brother prefers to take the stairs, but I like the elevator.

I guess we are raised differently.

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Do you know why twins are sexual deviants?

They cum in pears.

Little drummer Boy grew up and became a father to twin girls:

Anna 1, Anna 2

I once dated a girl with a twin. We all know the immediate fantasy that springs to mind, and so i thought i'd ask.

I asked and they agreed.
It was a wonderful experience and if anything her twin was a really nice guy.

A single mother wakes up from a coma after giving birth to twins...

She asks the doctor "Where are my babies? I want to see my babies!"

The doctor says "Not to worry, your babies are safe and at home with your brother. You had two healthy babies, one boy, and one girl, but unfortunately I do have some bad news."

Immediately thinking the worst, the moth...

Uncle Names Twins

A pregnant woman was involved in a car accident and, while in the hospital, she fell into a coma. When she awoke days later, the woman noticed that she was no longer carrying a child, and asked, "Doc, what happened to my baby!"

The doctor replied, "Ma'am, you've had twins! You're the proud m...

A buddy of mine just told me he’s getting it on with his girlfriend and her twin.

I said “How can you tell them apart?”

He said “Her brother’s got a moustache.”

A mom is breastfeeding her baby twins.

One day, one of the twins realized that there is more milk coming from the breast where his twin sibling is feeding on. Because of extreme jealousy, he put poison on that specific breast while everyone is asleep.

The next day, the twins' uncle died.

The chief of staff of the US air force decided that he would personally intervene in the recruiting crisis affecting all of the armed forces. He directed that a nearby Air Force base will be open and all eligible young men and women would be invited.

As he and his staff were standing near a brand new F - 15 fighter jet, a pair of twin brothers who looked like they had just stepped off a Marine Corps recruiting poster walked up to them.

The chief of staff struck out his hand and introduced himself. He looked at the first young man and said...

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(An old joke I heard. So sorry if I mess up with the wording.) A dead body was found floating in the river.

..The police recovered it, and found a wallet with the body. They found out that the wallet belonged to Mr. Smith. But they still weren't sure if the dead body was of Mr. Smith or not.

So they did some investigation and found out about the twin brothers Mark and Harry, who were very close fri...

There's a pair of twins, Ivan and Oliver Peterson.

They both became doctors. Not medical doctors, but doctors in meteorology.

They study the rain. You know,

Dr.I.P.

Dr.O.P.

Did you know that Cardi B has a twin fitness trainer?

Her name is Cardi O

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An aircraft control tower suddenly last communication with a small twin engine aircraft

A moment later the tower land line rang and was answered by one of the employees.
The passenger riding with the pilot who lost communications was on a cellular phone!
He yelled,Mayday, mayday!
The pilot had an instant and fatal heart attack! I grabbed his cell phone out of his pocket and h...

A recently divorced woman comes across a genie in a lamp

A recently divorced woman was walking along the beach, when she notices a lamp in the sand. She picks it up and rubs it, and out pops a genie. "I am the genie of this lamp," he said, "and I will grant you three wishes, but under one condition: whatever you receive, the person you hate the most will ...

Why did conjoined twins go to London?

So the other one could drive a little.

My friend Jay recently had twin girls, and wanted to name them after him.

So I suggested Kaye and Elle.

With all my high level degrees and PHD's, I stumbled upon these questions......... 1. If poison expires, is it more poisonous or is it no longer poisonous? 2. Which letter is silent in the word "Scent," the S or the C?

3. Do twins ever realize that one of them is unplanned?

4. Why is the letter W, in English, called double U? Shouldn't it be called double V?r>
5. Maybe oxygen is slowly killing you and It just takes 75-100 years to fully work.

6. Every time you clean something, you just make som...

I went on a date with a pair of conjoined twins

(You: “did you have a good time?”)

Ehhh... yes and no....

Everywhere in the auld country, tales were told of a man named Happy.

Happy wasn’t just a happy-go-lucky kind of fella, he was also the nicest guy you ever would meet. He was polite to everyone. Helped the Shaughnessy twins run their farm after their pa died. Cleared the sidewalks of snow in front of the doctor’s office. Bought Old Lady MacGregor’s cookies when she wa...

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Walmart.

An elderly man gets a job as a Greeter at Walmart, a very overweight woman comes in with two obnoxious kids, they are shouting and screaming, throwing things about, running around the store causing mayhem, the Greeter, walks over to the woman, encountering a strong smell of Body odour and cheap perf...

Saw two hipsters at the mall today who got really upset when I called 'em that.

Apparently, the correct term is "conjoined twins".

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Two Irishmen met in a pub...

Two Irishmen meet in a pub, and in a slur one says to the other, "I'm thinking I ought to know ye."

The other replied, "You've got a familiar face, where ye be from?"

"I be from County Cork."

"Well I'll be dipped! I be from County Cork too, from Middleton!"

"Middleton?! I...

A fisherman’s wife gives birth to a healthy set of twins.

After some time, they notice that one boy always faces toward the ocean and the other always faces away. Even if the parents were to turn them, they would always reposition themselves. So the name the boys “Toward” and “Away” respectively. On the twins’ tenth birthday, the fisherman takes them on a ...

What do you call a turkey's evil twin?

A Gobblegänger.

What type of pizza did the twin towers order?

Plain

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Are your kids twins?

A very loud, unattractive, mean, nasty woman walked into Wal-Mart with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

The Wal-Mart Greeter said pleasantly, "Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"

The ugly woman...

What did tornado say to it’s annoying twin?

Sigh, clone.

I found out today that I have an identical twin brother. I got very emotional when we finally met.

I was beside myself.

What do the Twin Towers and my ex-girlfriend have in common?

They both went down on my dad.

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My girlfriend broke up with me because I fucked her twin sister.

It’s not my fault. They’re conjoined at the hip.

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I was once in a relationship with twins.

Whenever someone would ask me how can I tell the difference. l said it is very easy: Jennifer always painted her nails in red and George has a dick.

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