My favorite knock knock joke

"knock knock"

Who's there?

"Nine eleven"

Nine eleven who?

"You said you'd never forget"

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I walked up to a seven eleven cash register.

The cashier looked at me and said “strip down, facing me”. How the fuck am I supposed to know she was talking about my credit card

A police officer at my school said “We will never forget nine eleven”

I said well i sure hope not it’s your phone number.

There are eleven types of people in the world

People who understand roman numerals and those that don't

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A man walks into a bar and orders ten shots of tequila,

The bartender asks if he his celebrating.

The man says “yeah, my first blowjob”

The bartender says “sweet I’ll buy you one more.”

The man says “No thanks, if ten won’t get the taste out of my mouth I don’t think eleven will either”

A rich man was driving in his Cadillac when he sees a poor man eating grass on a hill

“What are you doing” - Says the rich man.

“I have 3 days without food for me and my family, so the grass on this hill is our last resource”

“Daaaammmm, say no more, get in” -Says the rich man, exited.

“Ohhh, thank you very much. Do you mind if I tell to my wife and 2 kids about...

How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb

Eleven
One who stands on a table and holds the bulb and ten who lift the table and spin it around

I had a date with a maths teacher and she told me to get there at ten past one.

So I got there at eleven but she wasn't impressed.

Some tourists in the Museum of Natural History are marveling at the dinosaur bones.

Some tourists in the Museum of Natural History are marveling at the dinosaur bones. One of them asks the guard, "Can you tell me how old these bones are?"

The guard replies, "They are 65,000,011 years old."

"That's an awfully exact number," says the tourist. "How do you know their age ...

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What is it called when an airplane crashes in a Nazi concentration camp?

Nein Eleven

A guy walks into a bar and sees a bunch of meat hanging from the ceiling about ten or eleven feet in the air

So he goes up to the bartender and asks, “Why do you have all this meat hanging up everywhere?”

The bartender replies, “Well, we actually have a bit of a game we like to play here, a sort of challenge.”

The man, obviously intrigued, asks the bartender what the game is. So the bartender...

I asked my girlfriend if she wanted to go the Be and Eleven concert

She responds “Oh? I’ve never heard of them before!”
So I say “she’s on the radio all the time, maybe you would know them by their Spanish name “Be Y Once”

A man moved in to a new apartment,

He was excited because he now lived very close to his job and would no longer have to endure the horrendous traffic to and from work. While plotting his walk in the morning he noted that his path took him by a mental institution. Thoroughly enjoying his morning stroll , he heard some voices drifting...

One Sunday after church,

Father Tom was approached by Dave, who had been a regular churchgoer for years, but had recently been missing service. Father Tom asked him if everything was okay, as he had missed several services over the last few months. Dave told Father Tom "I've been working non-stop trying to save my business....

Q: Why can't a blonde dial 911?

A: She can't find the eleven.

Twelve priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up, nude, in a garden while a nude model danced before them.

and they were told that anyone whose bell rang would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.

The model danced before the first priest candidate, with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response until she got to the final. As she danced, his ...

A man was walking down the street

when he passed by a tall wooden fence and heard a strange chanting on the other side.

"Ten! Ten! Ten! Ten!" was the chant from what sounded like a group of people.

Curious, he searched for a peep hole. When he found one, he peered through to see what was on the other side.

Sudd...

A guy visits a carnival and amongst the merry-go-rounds, vendors and performers he spots a man with a tiny pony.

He walks up to the man and asks: "What's with the pony?"

"For a dollar the pony can do pretty much any trick you ask of it" the man replies.

"That's cool" the guy says and proceeds to take out his wallet, retrieve a dollar bill and puts it in the jar next to the pony.

He extends...

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A week at the gym

Dear Diary

For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.

Although I am still in great shape since playing football 24 yrs ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

Called ...

The boys on Stranger Things must be fans of Spinal Tap

Considering they are all probably cranking it to Eleven

When are people.....

When is someone going to tell Dolly Parton that 9+5 don’t make eleven?

Man walks in to a bar and asks for a spoonful of lager in a pint glass, topped up with water.

"That's a strange drink to order" says the barman.

"That's what you'd be drinking if you had what I've got" replied the man.

"What have you got?" Asked the barman.

"Eleven Pence"....,

One and Eleven left the other numbers and wandered off.

After quite some time, One came back.
“Why’d you go?” Asked the other numbers.
“I wanted to be a Roamin’ Numeral,” said One.

“Why did Eleven go with you?” They asked.
“Eleven wanted to be a Roamin’ Numeral two.”

How many tickles does it take to make a male octopus laugh?

Eleven.

It's usually ten-tickles, but an extra one is counted for the test-tickle

What's DJ Khaled's favorite number?

Eleven, because it's another one.

I'll say this about Drake

Most rappers date nines and tens, but he goes to Eleven

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A drunk man enters his house after a late night at the bar...

Not wanting to wake up his wife and receive a scolding from her, he decides to take off his shoes. While taking off his shoes, the Coo-coo Clocks goes off.

Coo-coo, Coo-coo, Coo-coo.

Thinking the noise will surely wake his wife, he thinks quickly and decides to extend the Coo-coo sound...

A Frenchman and an Englishman have a bet over who is the most virile

A Frenchman and an Englishman on a business trip start talking at a pub and pretty soon the conversation turns to which one of them is the most virile. They decide to make a bet. Each one will pick up a woman at the bar, take her back to his hotel room, and in the morning they will compare notes to ...

Why does Donald Trump's book "Art of the Deal" weigh so much?

It has four chapter elevens.

Shortly after the 911 emergency number became available,

An elderly and quite ill lady appeared in a hospital emergency room, having driven herself to the hospital and barely managing to stagger in from the parking lot. The horrified nurse said, "Why didn't you call the 911 number and get an ambulance?" The lady said, "My phone doesn't have an eleven."

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Two out of eleven jokes about religion are discriminatory towards Jews...

...the other 9/11, towards Muslims.

A elderly man goes into confession and says to the priest...

...“Father, I’m 80 years old, married, have four kids and eleven healthy grandchildren, and last night I had an affair with two 18 year old girls. I made love with both of them… twice.”

The priest said, “Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?”

“Never Father… I’m J...

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The American President is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.

'Hallo, Mr. President!' a heavily accented voice said. 'This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare , Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!'

'Well, Paddy,' the president replied, 'How big is your army?'

'Right now,' says Paddy, after a...

Who killed Abraham Lincoln?

The local Sheriff was looking for a new deputy.

When a blonde walks in to try for the job, he asks her, "Okay, what is 1 and 1?"

"Eleven", she replies.

The Sheriff thinks to himself, "Thats not what I wanted, but I guess she's right!"

"What two days of the week begin ...

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I saw a 7-eleven coffee cup on the table in the break room.

I was curious, so I looked on the back of the cup. It said that the coffee beans were mountain-grown in the world's finest coffee-growing regions and were inspected for premium quality five times prior to being roasted. I snuck a sip of the coffee and thought, "Wow. That's impressive."

Becau...

A blonde works at a bank

A blonde works at a bank and an old lady walks up.

Old Lady: Hello ma'am. Will you help me check my balance?

Blonde: Sure. No problem.

The blonde goes close to the old lady and pushes her. The old lady falls and gets hurt.

Blonde: I'd say it can be better.

Old lady...

A man is walking next to a wooden fence when he hears some chanting on the other side...

“Eleven!”
“Eleven!”
“Eleven!”

It sounded like a large crowd. Confused, the man searched along the fence until he found a small hole. He crouched down and tried to peek inside to get a view of the crowd. Immediately, he is poked in the eye by a broom handle.

“Twelve!”
“Twelve...

Tommy

Did you hear about the english man who wanted to fight in the first world war?
He joined late. Skip forward to the first fight. He’s in the trench. Tommy as we’ll call him goes up to his captain, and says, er, captain, i’m reporting for duty. I want to fight for my country!
The captain replie...

The difference between Canadian and American men...

Back during WWII, an American GI met a Canadian soldier fighting along side him. The two fought together throughout the war and both made it home safely.

After the war, the two returned to their respective homes and decided to marry their respective sweethearts. The two became such good fri...

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What do you rate a sexy terrorist?

A fine eleven

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Twelve priests are about to do their final test before being ordained...

In order to confirm their virtue a bell is tied on their penis and they all have to stand in line and watch a naked woman dance in front of them. If the bell rings they have failed and get kicked out of the church.

Eleven priests pass the test but the twelfth fails. The bell rings and falls d...

Why was Twelve scared of Eleven?

Because Eleven has telekinetic abilities.

NSFW - An eleven year old realized that she had started to grow hair in between her legs.

She had gotten worried and asked her mother about the hair. Her mother calmly said, "That part where the hair has grown is called a monkey. Be proud that your monkey has grown hair."

The next morning at breakfast, the girl tells her sister, "My monkey has grown hair." Her sister smiled and s...

A pirate goes to see his doctor

... to look at the spots on his arm.

After examining them, the doctor looks up and says, “Nothing to worry about, they’re benign.”

The pirate says, “No, Doc, there be eleven! I counted them meself!”

Where does George Washington keep his armies?

In his sleevies


*best joke my eleven-year-old past self ever heard

A man stumbles into r/Jokes

He looks around, refreshing his window, switching from hot to new, from new to top. His face furrows in disgust.

"These aren't even clever, they're just repetitive, poorly executed punchlines with variations in the setup in order to get karma quick."

He calls over his eleven year old s...

One Day at Work...

...a man hears a Ghostly Voice speak to him: "Quit your job, sell your car, sell your house, take the money and go to Vegas..."

Figuring he was just sleep deprived, he ignored the Voice, but the next morning, he heard the same voice: "Quit your job, sell your car, sell your house, clear out y...

Last night for Halloween, I saw exactly 12 people dressed like Eleven.

I know this because after the 9th 11, I swore I'd never forget.

Eleven Years ago Greece won Euro 2004

Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.

I can count on two hands the number of fingers I have.

Eleven.

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Eleven shots of tequila...

A guy walks into a bar and orders a shot of tequila. The bartender pours his a shot and the guy knocks it back immediately and asks for another. The bartender pours him another shot, and the guy knocks it back and asks for another......
After the tenth shot, the bartender says, "whoa, buddy w...

Eleven

There was a little boy who had just learned to count on his fingers. One day his uncle came to visit and the boy was anxious to show off his newly acquired skill. He told the uncle to ask him and addition question. So they uncle asked, "What is three plus four?" The little boy counts it out on his f...

What's the difference between Nine-Eleven and a cow?

You can't milk a cow for 14 years straight.

Be gentle... it's my cake day :-)

A young woman, let's call her Emma...

... Loses her arms in a tragic bear accident. After healing, she decides to go get a job. The local church decides to find her some work she can do even without arms. She is hired as the new organ player.

Needless to say, her first day as an organ player goes poorly. She quits in shame.
...

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Welcome to the eleven 'o clock news

I am your anchor Francis FullOfFrenchPeople. In today's highlights, a group of scientists were hospitalized when a monkey they had been running tests on in a lab got violent and started throwing flaming feces at them They were said to have suffered Turd Debris Burns.

My new girlfriend asked me how many girls I’ve slept with.

“Eleven,” I replied.


“Wow! You must be a player,” she laughed.


“No,” I said, “I’m their coach.”

If apple released iphone 8 and 10 this year

Would it release nine eleven next year

Edit : my first 24 hours top 10 thanks all

For a change of pace, here's a limerick; "( (12 + 144 + 20 + 3 Sqrt[4]) / 7 ) + 5*11 = 9^2 + 0"

Sorry, did that not make any sense?

How about -

>"A dozen, a gross, and a score,
>
>plus three times the square root of four,
>
>divided by seven,
>
>plus five times eleven,
>
>is nine squared and not a bit more."

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Sex competition

An Englishman and a Spaniard are in a bar in Amsterdam at midnight when they start bragging to each other about their sexual escapades. After several minutes of back and forth, the Englishman challenges the Spaniard to a contest.
"We'll go to the nearest brothel and see how many times we can shag...

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So I told Hitler about 9/11

I told him about the carnage and the aftermath, and how the state of America was changed forever, but he was confused.

So, I told him about the backstory, and how Bin Laden began to plan this in the 90s, but he was still confused.

Then, I told him about the numerous connections and the...

As I lay in my new girlfriend’s bed, I noticed four lines carved into the headboard.

“Is that how many men you’ve slept with?”, I asked.

“Yes”, she replied, “One thousand, one hundred and eleven.”

The teacher asked little Johnny..........

The teacher asked little Johnny, “What’s two and two?”.
He counted 1-2-3-4 on his fingers and said, “Four, teacher?”.
She said, ” Yes, that’s right, but you counted on your fingers. Put your hands behind behind your back and tell me what’s three and three”.
He put his hands behind his back,...

I got a handjob from a girl with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. It was the best minute of my life...

Then the worst eleven minutes of my life.

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