UPJOKE
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Latter Jokes

Church of latter day saints.

The other day I was stopped by a few guys from the Church of Latter Day Saints. They asked me "have you found our Lord the savior? I replied "Sorry, can't say that I have. Where was the last place you saw him?"

What do you call a hypocritical member of the church of Latter Day Saints?

an oxy-mormon.

or, all of them.

There are those who know the difference between "latter" and "former," and there are those who do not.

Proud to say I belong to the latter group.

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A man takes a pleasant stroll on a Friday evening... suddenly, the Devil himself pops up in front of him

and whispers, "Take all the money in your wallet, go to this casino, and put them on the number 27!"

The man is first shocked, then becomes curious, and quickly yields, goes to the casino, puts all the money on 27 and wins!

Excited he exists the casino and meets the Devil again. The ...

What's the difference between a stepping stool and a miniature 3D printer?

The former is a little ladder and the latter is a little former.

The Irish invented whiskey and bagpipes

They forgot to tell the Scots the latter was a joke

I was asked if I wanted to take the elevator or stairs up.

I decided on the latter.

If I needed to climb something and I had to choose between a rope with knots in it or some parallel boards with spaced rungs...

I'd choose the latter.

A man finds a penguin on the road...

A man finds a penguin on the road side. Thinking the penguin is lost the man takes it, drives until finding a police officer and asks what to do.
- Take it to the zoo replies the officer.

One week latter the policer officer sees the man driving with the penguin by his side.

Wha...

In honor of my uncle, an English professor who just passed away, here’s one of his jokes about grammar pedants

A grammarian fell into a sewer. Someone came and said, “Need help?”

The grammarian was offended at his language. “You would have made sense if you had said, ‘Do you need any help?’” he rebuked.

A second man came and spoke as the first. Again, the pedant was offended and said, “You wou...

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An elderly woman enters the Canadian National Bank with a bag full of money

She insisted she wanted to speak with the president of the National Bank in order to open an account, saying "a lot of money" was to be dealt with.

After some hesitation, the staff escorted the elderly woman to the president's office. The president asked how much money she wished to deposit i...

A young woman brought her boyfriend home to meet her father, a retired military officer.

The woman was nervous because her boyfriend was a conscientious objector.
When the father asked the young man to talk about himself, the latter replied, nervously, that he was a CO.
The father clapped the young man on the back and congratulated him, thinking the latter was a commanding o...

What is the difference between a bee from the UK and a bee from the US?

A UK bee carries pollen, the latter carries data.

What costs more, a ladder or a Lamborghini?

The latter

A 6 story building is on fire

Fireman 1: Your turn to choose… you want the ladder or the stairs?

Fireman 2: Ok, I’ll take the latter

Fireman 1: Ok, I’ll take the ladder

I was at the hardware store, and an employee asked me if I wanted a ladder or a hammer.

When I said I wanted the latter, I was surprised when the employee brought me a ladder

If I had to choose between a rope or the inclined set of steps....

I would opt for the latter.

A guy asks his friend " have you ever used a telescope ?"

" No, is it fun ?" Answers the latter
" yeah you should look into it "

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My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate and burn them

I did the latter. Now what do I do with the letters?

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A really good one.

A reporter learns that the climate in Weissenbach is supposed to be so healthy that the majority of the population lives to be well over 90 and older. So she sets off there. Once there, she sees three elderly gentlemen sitting on a park bench and approaches them, saying to the first, "May I ask how ...

What’s the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus

You only need one nail to hang the latter

You can only borrow one tool at a time, either a mold or a step stool.

Will you choose the former or the latter?

A newlywed couple goes to the hospital to give birth to their baby.

When they arrive, the doctor says that he invented a machine to transfer part of the labor pain of the mother to the father of the baby. He then asks if they agree.
The couple accepts gladly the procedure.
The doctor puts the machine at 10% for starting, explaining that even the 10% it's p...

What'll get you higher, weed or a ladder?

The latter.

[OC]A man walks into a hardware store

Man: Hello, I'm doing some work on my house exterior and need to get to the siding and onto the roof.

Employee: Well, we have a wide range of ladders that will do the trick. There's a 3-step ladder that will be perfect for the siding, and an extending ladder that will get you up on the roof. ...

A guy sits down at a bar alone having a drink, munching on the bar's bowl of pretzels.

All of a sudden he hears a little voice, "Looking good there, buddy."

Looking around he sees no one within earshot. So he just shrugs it off & goes back to his drink & snack.

A little while latter again he hears a little voice, "And you're a snappy dresser too."

Again lo...

What’s the difference between jokes and smoking marijuana?

The latter made me cough so hard I laughed.

I’m a roofer and earlier today my coworker asked me how I’m gonna get down from the roof of the house. I said I could jump or I could climb down.

I chose the latter

What's the difference between falling from the 1st and the 10th floor?

The former goes "Splat.....Ahhh!" and the latter goes "Ahhhhhhhh...........Splat!"

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An idiot walks into a bar

and overhears the patrons in an excited hoo-hah over which among them was the luckiest.

One among them quieted all to say, "I met a beautiful woman last night! Within hours, I took her back to my home and we did the nasty like old chums!"

The crowd applauded and agreed he was luck...

The preacher and the painters

A preacher noticed that his church was beginning to look somewhat dingy and could use a new coat of paint.  He asked for bids from several local outfits and selected a two-man firm which had given him the best price.

On the appointed day, the crew arrived.  Setting up their ...

What's the difference between communism and capitalism?

In the former, man exploits man, in the latter, it's exactly the opposite.

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What's the difference between a homosexual and a glutton?

The former likes five guys, while the latter likes Five Guys.

Should I bring you a ladder or can you reach it yourself?

Let me know if it's the former or the latter.

A blonde takes part in a game show

[Disclaimer: I don't know whether this counts as a joke, if not please tell me which subreddit would be suitable, 'cause it's actually a pretty fun "story"]

First question: how long did the Hundred Years War last?

a) 99 years

b) 116 years

c) 100 years

d) 150 years<...

There was a guy on a road trip who stopped at a rest stop at an Indian reservation

While paying for his items he asked that clerk about a strange man standing out front. The cashier said that's Running Wolf, he remembers everything. On his way out the man deciding to try out the Indians memory asks him what he had for breakfast. The Indian replies "Eggs". The man is slightly impre...

TIL 2*10 is the same as 2*11

The former is twenty, the latter is twenty too!

If a fireman offers you two ways to escape your burning house...

...always take the latter.

Hurry get up and jump out the window

A couple was in bed sleeping, when suddenly the woman hears a door slam outside, she wakes up scared and tells the man sleeping with her:
Hurry get up and jump out the window, its my husband!
The man half asleep gets up in a hurry and jumps out the window.
Five minutes latter he walks back ...

A man was asked if he would rather have a new circular saw or a ladder...

He chose the latter.

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Two Mormons knock on an old Englishman's door...

The old man opens the door and smiles at the two fine gentlemen dressed in white dress shirts and black ties. They say, "Hello, we're with the church of Latter-day Saints and we're here to spread the gospel of God. Do you mind if we come in to speak with you?" The old man replies with a smile, "Sure...

A guy rescued a genie.

To return the favor, the genie offered him a wish: he could have unlimited money, or unlimited wisdom. The man chose the latter. A few days passed by, his friend came to visit him, finding him crying very fiercely and screaming the sentence: "I should have chosen the money."

What's the difference between being hard at work and being hard at work.

...you can't be the latter if you're a teacher

At a crowded garden party.

So, a couple years back, I was at a pretty fancy outdoors party. It seemed like the whole town was there. But the atmosphere was nice, and the local band played some good music, so I enjoyed myself.

I thought I'd like a nice cold beer in the warm weather, so I went over to the bar. As I appro...

The ladder

A man was trapped in a burning building and a firefighter yelled through the window, "You have two possible exit points, this ladder or the stairs." The man chose the latter. He died.

An old farmer

wrote a letter to his innocent son in prison:

"This year I'm unable to plant potatoes because I can't dig the ground. I know if you were here you would have helped me."

The innocent son replied: "You idiot, don't dig that ground, I've hidden the guns there."

The police read th...

Two golfing buddies where out golfing one day

Tim owned a house on a golf course right in on the 7th hole. One day, Bob and Tim where golfing and when they got to the 7th hole, Bob leaned over to Tim and said "You know Tim, if you opened your patio door and your front door, you could get a eagle on this par 5." Tim, thinking it over, decided to...

Two vampire bats were hanging arround

Suddenlly the first one states: "I'm hungry, I'm going to grab a bite to eat" and he flies off.

Half an hour later he returns with a huge smile on his face and blood on his chin.

The other bat asks: "Did you get your fill?"

"Oh boy did i ever. Do you see that red roofed barn way...

German 1970's joke

What's the difference between the east-german and the west-german accent? While the former is shared by most, the latter is richer.

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An elderly man goes to a shopping mall...

... And decides to sit down for a while in the food court. A few moments pass by and a young man sits a few tables away from him. This young man has a mohawk taller than half of his body and dyed every color of the rainbow. The old man begins staring at the young man and eventually the latter gets a...

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Only one right choice (read aloud)

I was headed to Las Vegas for a conference, and my wife asked me, "You wouldn't ever use one of those Vegas prostitutes would you?". I told her "If I won a contest at the tradeshow and I could choose between two prizes 1) Something boring like a 30 foot, foldable, extension ladder, or 2) A free, ...

Room #39

A handsome man went into a hotel and asked to see the boss.

-The client: is room 39 empty?
-The boss: yes, sir.
-The client: can I book it?
-The boss: of course you can.
-The client: thank you.

Before going to the room, the client asked the boss to provide him with a black ...

An Australian and his two friends, kangaroo and wombat, were arguing who the best fighter were among them.

When suddenly a Crocodile appears in search of trouble. The friends thought this was their chance to prove their respective points.
The wombat was a master of Brazilian Jiu-jitsu and quickly took down the crocodile and have him tap out.
They let the latter rest and forced him to fight the kang...

Twice

A sweet young school teacher who had always been virtuous was invited to go for a ride in the country with the gym instructor, whom she admired.

Under a tree, on the bank of a quiet lake, she struggled with her conscience and with the gym instructor and finally gave in to the latter.

S...

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A comprehensive observation about common religions and religious practices.

Jainism: You must not disturb

Bhuddism: You must become one with the .

Taoism:

Shintoism: Our ancestors thought of this .

Hinduism: Eating meat makes you a person.

Paganism: Here's some that represents other .

Reform J...

God Will Save Me

A heavy rain began to fall onto a small town. Townspeople were instructed to evacuate as it was believed the rain would not stop and floods were coming.

One man refused to leave. A van pulled up in front of the house and emergency personnel instructed the man to evacuate as the rain became he...

An American, an Englishman and a Norwegian are sitting in a pub ...

An American, an Englishman and a Norwegian are sitting in a pub arguing on which of them are the best.

The American says "Well, when our Air Force is in the air, they are so massive you cannot even see a glimpse of the sky between them!".

"Thats nothing!" says the Englishman, "when our...

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A WWII Veteran on his deathbed...

turns to his son.

Father: "I think it's time I finally told you of how I escaped as a POW from the Germans".

Son: "I'm listening father"

Father: "It was the greatest plan ever concocted".

Son: "What was the plan called?"

Father: "It started off as a simple lie to o...

A man with three daughters

Was sitting on his couch one day when his oldest daughter comes up to him and asks, dad why did you rose? He replies, well when you were born me and your mother took you to the park and a rose petal fell on you forehead, so we decided to name you rose. She accepts this and goes on her way. A little ...

A scientist is asked by the government to create the first teleporter.

Knowing that this will be an incredibly hard task, the scientist devotes every day to the task, until they have created the teleporter.

First, the scientist discovers that titanium and sulfur, when combined create a metal that would make a great base and projector for the teleporter, so they ...

It's Paddy's first time out of Ireland

and he's on a Mediterranean cruise. His breakfast table assignment is with a Frenchman. Neither speak the other's language. The first day, the latter's first words to Paddy are "bon appetite", and the former responds "Paddy Murphy." This exact exchange happens the next day as well. The third day Pad...

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A baby was born in South Africa.

The village was very poor, and the makeshift hospital didn't have some necessary equipment.. such as scales.

The father however, was desperate to know the newborn baby's weight. After quite a bit of asking around, the hospital's chairman came up with an idea.

"Five miles west, there's ...

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I have a mixed feeling about shaggy dog stories.

On one hand, I enjoy them a lot. A joke that takes that much of a setup and has such a tiny payoff is great, not only because the former is disproportionately larger than the latter, but because it can be so anticlimactic it's downright silly. It's a great kind of joke to tell unsuspecting people, e...

I work at an unusual restaurant......

The owner is woman name Lily who liked to drink a lot. She had the restaurant’s logo, the label from a bottle of vodka, drawn on everything. Chairs, tables, light fixtures, bathroom sinks, etc. They were everywhere! Worse yet, it was done with a #2 pencil. The weird owner would also keep all the lar...

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Redneck book of manners.....

1. Never take a beer to a job interview.


2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.


3. It's considered poor taste to take a cooler to church.


4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.


5. Even if you're ...

Three married businessmen meet for their annual camping trip.

As they see each other only this time of the year, they have a lot to talk about. On their last day in the woods, the men decide to go for a little walk. Suddenly, they hear someone whimper. They follow the noise to a well and with combined efforts, they rescue a little fairy from its ground.
...

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Dating techniques

One afternoon, Schmitt met up with his ex-colleague for a cup of tea. Schmitt had been single since the day he was born, so it was to his frustration when his previous lab partner, Martin, was no longer single. After another subtle round of boasting (or so Schmitt thought), Schmitt decided to ask f...

A particle physicist met a quark collector...

... and discovered the latter, named Richard, had managed to get his hands on two of the most elusive quarks - the notorious up-quark and the sought-after down-quark.

Now the physicist was a bit of a connoisseur himself, and had managed to get his hands on all the four other quarks and their ...

A message to the people of the Moon

In 1968, NASA was testing equipment to be used for Moon missions. They went to the Arizona desert to perform their tests.

While tests were in progress, an old Chief approached a NASA engineer to ask questions through his grandson, acting as interpreter.

"The Chief wants to know what ex...

First Time at the Barber

I had never been to an actual barber before yesterday, I've grown my hair and beard out for the past several years for a few reasons, but mostly because up until a couple weeks ago I've been too poor to afford regular haircuts. I string enough jobs together working out of a labor pool to get by,...

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The Terrible Legend of Bahuda

Three explorers are making their way through a one of those generic jungles that always shows up in these sorts of jokes, when they are suddenly ambushed by a tribe of massive cannibals. (That's "massive" in the sense that they are very large, although they are also particularly passionate about eat...

A group of soldiers was fighting against a group of rebels...

They had been fighting for a few years now, and many people, including innocent citizens, had lost their lives during this period. The soldiers tried and tried to rid the city of the rebels, but the latter was a strong resistance and were hard to defeat. Regardless of the many new personnel, bases a...
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