UPJOKE
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I was arrested for having an unhealthy attraction to large amounts of data

They’re calling me a petaphile

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What kind of engineer is god?

\[This is a decades old joke that I heard long ago, it's certainly not mine\]

At the bar the other week, I overheard an interesting conversation between three engineers discussing religion. Specifically, they were debating which type of engineer God was.

"I'm telling you," the first on...

PSA: Police are warning against large amounts of fake $1 bills this holiday season

Look out for hot singles in your area.

I don't understand why people pay for things with exact dollar amounts...

... It makes no cents.

A big, burly man visited his pastor's home and asked to see the minister's wife, a woman well known for her charitable impulses.

"Madam,” he said in a broken voice "I wish to draw your attention to the terrible plight of a poor family in this district. The father of the family is dead, the mother is too ill to work, and the nine children are starving. They are about to be turned into the cold, empty streets unless someone pay...

I hate IKEA but whenever I go, I can’t leave without buying ridiculous amounts of things for my house.

I’m suffering from Stock Home Syndrome.

Two buff Chinese men gain American citizenship

After ten long years of living in the States, they decide to celebrate by meeting at a local Chinese restaurant that afternoon.

Both men wanted to show that their toughness hadn’t faded over the years, so they order the hottest and spiciest soup the restaurant has to offer.

While waiti...

What do you call a demon clown that is good with small amounts of money?

Pennywise.

How will Trump add yuge amounts of manufacturing jobs?

He will build alternative fact-tories

There are increasing amounts of obese people each year

I'm not sure if you understand the weight of the situation

A Gambler Retires

This guy had a serious gambling problem, but thankfully tended win quite often. He amassed a colossal sum of money over many decades of his vice, and decided to retire to somewhere far away. He ran across pictures online of a location that seemed to be perfect for him: a mountainous region in Easter...

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A new highly infectious virus has broken out in Boston causing large amounts of people to sneeze so hard fall on their ass.

They’re calling the “mass achoo sits”.

Y’all remember when Ritz and Goldfish crackers didn’t contain trace amounts of salmonella?

Pepperidge farm remembers.

School shooting rates in America have dropped by crazy amounts over the past 2 months

The Summertime truly does bring miracles

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A recent study shows people with trace amounts of Arsenic, Selenium, Astatine, and Erbium have the longest lasting relationships

The best couples always have an AsSeAtEr

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It's a relief to know the truth…

…after all those conflicting medical studies.

The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans. The French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

The Japanese drink very little red wine and suff...

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