UPJOKE
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Amounts Jokes

I was arrested for having an unhealthy attraction to large amounts of data

They’re calling me a petaphile

How will Trump add yuge amounts of manufacturing jobs?

He will build alternative fact-tories

PSA: Police are warning against large amounts of fake $1 bills this holiday season

Look out for hot singles in your area.

There are increasing amounts of obese people each year

I'm not sure if you understand the weight of the situation

What do you call a demon clown that is good with small amounts of money?

Pennywise.

An attorney was working late one night in his office when, suddenly, Satan appeared before him.

The Devil made him an offer. “I will make it so you win every case that you try for the rest of your life. Your clients will worship you, your colleagues will be in awe, and you will make enormous amounts of money. But, in return, you must give me your soul, your wife’s soul, the souls of your child...

There's a man who only eats massive amounts of Chinese food and nothing else

Turns out he's a Mega-Lo-Mein-iac

I hate IKEA but whenever I go, I can’t leave without buying ridiculous amounts of things for my house.

I’m suffering from Stock Home Syndrome.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

a healthy diet

The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans....

School shooting rates in America have dropped by crazy amounts over the past 2 months

The Summertime truly does bring miracles

Y’all remember when Ritz and Goldfish crackers didn’t contain trace amounts of salmonella?

Pepperidge farm remembers.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do a politician, a PR company and a cattle farm have in common?

All produce massive amounts of bullshit

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A recent study shows people with trace amounts of Arsenic, Selenium, Astatine, and Erbium have the longest lasting relationships

The best couples always have an AsSeAtEr

Two doctors, Jenkins and Smith, are treating a man with lung disease.

They’re explaining how him smoking weed led to his condition worsening.

“But it’s just herbal!” the patient protested. “How can it be bad?”

Dr Jenkins sighed. “Apricot stones contain lethal amounts of cyanide. There is a certain plant in my back garden - if you sit under it for just te...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A new highly infectious virus has broken out in Boston causing large amounts of people to sneeze so hard fall on their ass.

They’re calling the “mass achoo sits”.

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