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The 6th-grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, “Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?”

No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, “You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I’m going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!”

Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, “Which body part increases to...

Leading entomologists experimenting with ant larvae have reported that while the introduction of milk-born disaccharides increased their height by 31%, it also inhibited tarsus growth by 47%.

The study concluded that the resulting specimens lack toes in taller ants.

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My friend regularly takes anti-diarrhea pills and claims it increases his work productivity, due to reduced trips to the restroom daily.

I think he's full of shit.

The weakening and eventual shut down to the AMOC is expected to reduce total precipitation in North America and increase it in Africa.

Hundreds of millions of North Americans experiencing the worst droughts in history will be like "I guess the rain's down in Africa."

My boss said I was going to see a big increase on my Payslip this month...

... He increased the font size.

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A woman goes to Dr. Johnson to increase...

...the size of her breasts. Dr. Johnson gives her a series of rhythmic arm movements to do and tells her to also repeat “If I do this like I must, I will increase my bust”.
Additionally she must do the exercises twice a day at 10am and 2pm. After two weeks she sees improvement and so she does bot...

So Hawaii recently made a new law in regards to noise and the increase of noise complaints due to an uprising in loud laughter.

They now have to use a low ha

"Bill to ban shark fin harvesting", and "Bill to increase minimum wage" and "Bill to help ease the burden of Vets"...with all these good things happening, it makes me wonder...

...why did he wait so long?

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A gas station owner was trying to increase his sales, so he put up a sign that read, “Free Sex with Every Fill-Up.”

Rob pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10, and said that if he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. Rob said "today is my birthday, i'm feeling LUCKY and I guess 8".

The owner said, “You were very close, the lucky numb...

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A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?"

The bartender considers it, then agrees.

The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat.

He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano.

The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.

After the man finished his drink, he ask...

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The Harley & The dishes (NSFW)

A guy named Joe heads into his local Harley Davidson dealership with a fistfull of dollars and starts looking for his dream motorbike. The dealer looks at Joe's choice and states that while Joe's choice in motorcycle was respectable, the older style Harleys not only held their value better, but in m...

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Ireland Declares War on France

The French President is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.

"Hallo!" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy Down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"

"Well, Paddy," the President of France ...

Hey, could somebody remind me how to increase the hertz rate to my monitor?

I need a quick refresher.

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BREAKING: A new drug is being trialled to increase semen output.

More to come.

Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each...

The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them.

The man bought thousands at $10 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy at $20. This renewed the efforts of ...

The price of our local daily newspapers is going to increase next week

Since I got this information early enough, I will buy 1,000 copies today so that I can make a huge profit when the price increases. That is, I will buy low and sell high.

A farmer increased the yield of his apple tree by cross breeding it with a salmon

He said it was quite a fish ent.

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Is Hell Exothermic or Endothermic?

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term:

"Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Support your answer with a proof."

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law (gas cools off when it...

Today i got a wage increase unexpectedly.

I told my boss three companies were after me and I needed a raise to stay at my job. We haggled for a few minutes and he gave me a 5 % raise.

Leaving his office, he stopped and asked me, “By the way, which companies are after you?” I responded, “The gas, electric and cable company.”

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Paul Simon, Art Garfunkel and Peter Fonda are hanging out towards the end of the Swinging Sixties...

*Easy Rider* has just come out, Simon and Garfunkel are about to release *Bridge Over Troubled Water*, and the three men are the epitome of counter-culture cool. They're all pretty stoned, and Paul Simon turns to Peter Fonda, and says, "Hey, Peter, you wanna see something really groovy?"

Pete...

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The sex position 69 will now be called 96

This is due to inflation, the cost of eating out increased.

What do you call an increase in the cost of magic lamps over time?

Djinnflation

Some losses may be your gain

An unemployed man applies for a job as a toilet cleaner at a large computer company and takes an appointment for an interview with the company's manager.

During the interview, the manager told the unemployed person: You have been accepted for the job.

But we need your email to send you...

A man was walking home one night.

A young man was walking home one night. The street was pitch black. As he passed the gates of a small cemetery, he felt as if he was being followed. Suddenly, he heard a bump behind him. Afraid to look back, he increased his pace.

Bump, bump, bump.

The bumping behind him continued, ge...

Some laws that we didn't learn at school

01. *LORENZ'S LAW OF MECHANICAL REPAIR*

Once your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.

02. *ANTHONY'S LAW OF THE WORKSHOP*

Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

03. *KOVAC'S CONUNDRUM*

When u dial a wrong numbe...

Apparently they have increased the difficulty level of the "She sells sea shells" tongue twister in a newer version

The seller lives in Seychelles.

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NSFW (Actual interaction between my wife and I) Wife: "Doesn't ejaculating alot increase your testosterone and lower your voice?"

Me: "Babe, if ejaculating lowered your voice, I'd have been Barry White by the time we met."

Farmer Browns pigs

Farmer Brown has a bunch of pigs that are all female. He decides to breed them to increase the size of his herd. So he calls his friend farmer Jones and asks if he can bring his sows over to mate with farmer Jones' boars. Farmer Jones agrees, so next morning, farmer Brown loads all his pigs into ...

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While I was in mourning for the loss of my entire family, my friend told me, "momentarily increased intensity." I know he means "swell"

(they were abusers and he knows how much I love homophones)

I found a way to increase the number of steps on my Fitbit

I wore it on the right hand

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A genie offered to increase my penis length by 1 inch for every 10 IQ I traded...

Hehdixka a. Sueuwkk aksjns sjebbe Magjxianq an

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A man hears about a magical lake…

…. where taking a bath increases penis size by an inch. He travels across the country in search of the this majestic lake when he comes across a homeless person who points towards a tall mountain and tells him the lake is on the top.

The man hastily arrives at the bottom of the mountain try...

Due to a huge increase in deliveries, FedEx and UPS have joined forces

And are now fed-up

Did you know: If you say a number loud enough, you increase its value?

For example: 5 equals 5, but

5! equals 120.

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My girlfriend said she want's to try some condom's with something inside to increase her pleasure.

I said "what is that" she said "other men's dick's"

Why did the gymnast become a body builder?

To increase flex-ability

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A high school principal made an announcement at an assembly.

He said, "Boys and girls, the faculty have witnessed an alarming increase in public displays of affection, which are against school policy. Effective immediately, we will start issuing fines to those caught doing this. A first offense will be $5. A second offense will be $10. A third offense will be...

My running coach told me to increase the volume of my runs

So I unplugged the headphones and played my music from the speakers instead.

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NSFW A nurse is bathing a female patient who is in a coma..

A nurse is bathing a female patient who is in a coma when she notices that the patients heart rate and breathing increase whenever she cleans the genital area. She gets the idea that oral sex might actually revive her. She calls the patient's husband over and explains that oral sex might revive her,...

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During the Coronavirus Pandemic the government gave all MPs a £10k increase on the expenses they can claim.....

Don't those Wankers know Pornhub is free just now?

If a woman drinks two glasses of wine a day, it increases the chances of a stroke by 50%

Let her finish the bottle and she'll probably suck it as well.

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Easily accessible porn is causing increased cases of erectile dysfunction in younger populations...

Its a growing problem.

Due to a severe increase in Teachers having affairs with their Students,

Homeschooling has been banned by the Governor of Alabama.

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I bought a bottle of shampoo the other day, which promised to “increase volume”

What a load of shit, I poured half the bottle into my ear and if anything it did the opposite

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Please ignore the English errors. It's my fourth language.

Genie: I see you're short. Would you like to increase your height?

Me: Yes, please! I would give anything to increase my height.

Genie: Alright then, for every inch I increase your height, I'll reduce an inch of your penis. So, by how much do you want to increase your height?

Me...

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The Pickled Penis

An attractive young lady had recently lost her husband to illness, and while she wasn’t ready to engage in another relationship quite yet, she was certainly missing sex. So, to fill this need, she decided to visit a sex shop and purchase a toy.

As she has never in her life used a toy, she ask...

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A man requested a female painter to paint him in the nude.

"No" the talented artist said. "I don't do that sort of thing.

"I'll increase your fee two times," he said.

"No, no thanks!!"

"I'll give five times as much as you normally get."

Okay, said the artist, "but you have to let me at least wear my socks. I need somewhere to...

What did one nail technician say to the other after a customer walked out over a $1 price increase?

Man, he petty

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A man and his husband...

Were talking one evening over dinner when the more effeminate one expressed he was feeling a bit down in the dumps. The husband enquired as to what was happening...

Twink: “Well, I’m not feeling very ‘manly’ lately”.

Bear: “Oh hun, you are you and I love you, but why?”

Twink: si...

My wife told me you've aged like a fine wine. More complex, more flavoursome, increased sweetness. Overall tastier

But with more body

Started my first job two months ago: low paying job but with good potential for growth. I’m yet to pay my student loan

During the job interview, my boss said I spend to much time thinking before I answered the questions, so they have doubts with my sincerity. Nevertheless, he said he saw my potential and picked me.

The board was going to meet today to discuss about an impending merger. My boss asked me to co...

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The Chinese have developed a new pill that increases the average penis size by 3 inches.

Reports say they will use it to interfere with the upcoming U.S. erections.

In the early 1970s, researchers discovered that a certain enzyme in a specific breed of seagull chicks granted dolphins that ate them a dramatically increased lifespan…

Hoping that this could be made viable for humans, they started extensive testing.

Unfortunately, the breed of gulls wasn't native to the area around their laboratory.

They sent a research assistant up the coast to gather additional specimens.

On his way back with a truckload o...

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[Long] The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase

The wife was very upset about this, and decided to talk to her about the raise.

She asked: "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?"

Maria: "Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze."

"The first is that I iron better than you."

Wife: "Who said you iron...

A priest who came to a village in Africa which was very ignorant, was trying to educate the natives.

While he preached every morning that people should do good and be kind to each other, he would try to teach English to the head of the tribe in the afternoon. One day the priest took the chief with him and started walking
Meanwhile, he was trying to increase the knowledge of the chief by saying t...

Remember when Ontario...

...was having a ridiculous increase in Covid 19 infections because of transmission among essential workers and in warehouse workplaces, so the Ford government closed parks and golf courses?

As i’ve grown older, I realised the number of people i’ve lost along the way have increased.

Maybe a career as a tour guide wasn’t suited tor me.

Woody Harrelson was heard recently to have increased interest in computer technology

Especially the RAM part.

If women drink a glass of red wine, it increases the chance of a stroke.

If she drinks the whole bottle, she might even give it a little suck.

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My friend thought putting almonds in his fleshlight would increase the pleasure

Turns out he was just fucking nuts.

I heard that they had to increase the security in the graveyard last week.

People were dieing to get in.

Did you know that fighting increases your risk of heart attack?

Because it's assault.

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How To Increase Penis Size Easily

A Florida Couple Was Watching A Discovery Channel Special About An African Black Bush Tribe. The Men In That Tribe All Had 24 Inches Long Penises.

When The Black Male Reaches A Certain Age, A String Is Tied Around His Penis And On The Other End To A Weight. After A While, The Weight Stretches...

Scientists are saying that the capital of the Republic of Ireland has increased by a staggering 100%!

It’s Dublin

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Oxford University researchers have discovered the densest element yet known to science.

The new element, Governmentium (symbol=Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.
These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like partic...

They say that being scared of spiders increases the chances of them crawling into your bed while you are sleeping.

Personally, I am terrified of scarlett Johansson.

Wife: Hey, guess this "What always increases, but never decrease?"

Husband: Your weight?

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Recent study shows that masturbating twice weekly increases life expectancy by 20%.

I've done the maths. I am immortal.

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Executives at Monsanto have announced an initiative to genetically alter deer for increased movement speed.

Those assholes will do anything to make a quick buck

I've become much more attractive during the pandemic

My gravity increased.

Did you hear that Rand McNally is trying to increase product sales by hiding evidence of a flat Earth?

Yes. It’s a global conspiracy.

Did you hear the price of balloons is going to increase?

I blame it on inflation. But on the positive side, sales are supposed to go up!

A pastor asked his congregation for a raise...

A pastor's wife was pregnant, and he asked his congregation for a pay raise... they took a vote, and decided that every time a pastor had a child, their pay would be increased...

...after the preacher's 6th child, the congregation began to get uneasy about the pastor's high pay rate. They met...

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Customer satisfaction

Don't think I've seen this posted here so here goes

A company executive decided to have lunch at this restaurant with rave reviews. He sat down at a table and noticed that every waiter had a spoon in their shirt pocket. He called a waiter over to ask him about this.

'I noticed somethin...

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Did you know bad comedians increase the number of abortions?

They always fuck up the delivery.

The World Health Organization has stated that eating bacon increases your chances of getting cancer.

Statistics also show that not eating bacon dramatically increases your chances of blowing yourself up.

When does an increase in degrees not lead to warmer temperatures?

When you get your Masters in Art History, but you still can't pay the heating bill

The popularity of origami has increased

ten fold.

I heard a local shoe store was doing a promo to increase sales.

Buy one, get another one free.

A woman goes into labor...

A woman goes into labor and is taken to the hospital by her husband. They meet the doctor and the doctor says he has a new invention that will give a percentage of the labor pain from the mother to the biological father.

The woman is very excited and her husband reluctantly agrees. The woman...

Ever since learning the meaning of the word exponentially my use of the word exponentially has increased

loads

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