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Shaking hands increases the risk of contracting Coronavirus

Michael J. Fox is fucked.

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My girlfriend said she want's to try some condom's with something inside to increase her pleasure.

I said "what is that" she said "other men's dick's"

A university student was sent to help increase the production of apples in a village.

He went their and met a farmer. He pointed at a tree and asked,"is that tree yours?"
The farmer said,"yes."
The student asked,"How much apple did you get from that tree last year?"
The farmer replied,"not a single one."
The student happily said,"I knew it. The soil is of very poor qualit...

Apparently Brexit has also enabled the British to increase the space on their computers...

. Officials say that they’ve now got a free GB!

What did one nail technician say to the other after a customer walked out over a $1 price increase?

Man, he petty

Woody Harrelson was heard recently to have increased interest in computer technology

Especially the RAM part.

When two marijuana dispensaries are unable to increase sales by changing location,

they have reached hash equilibrium.

Our economy is on the fritz. Can you believe that even the price of feathers increased exponentially.

Yeah, even down is up

In the early 1970s, researchers discovered that a certain enzyme in a specific breed of seagull chicks granted dolphins that ate them a dramatically increased lifespan…

Hoping that this could be made viable for humans, they started extensive testing.

Unfortunately, the breed of gulls wasn't native to the area around their laboratory.

They sent a research assistant up the coast to gather additional specimens.

On his way back with a truckload o...

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I bought a bottle of shampoo the other day, which promised to “increase volume”

What a load of shit, I poured half the bottle into my ear and if anything it did the opposite

My wife told me you've aged like a fine wine. More complex, more flavoursome, increased sweetness. Overall tastier

But with more body

Scientists are saying that the capital of the Republic of Ireland has increased by a staggering 100%!

It’s Dublin

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A man Goes to a Wizard for penis enlargement.

He crossed many rivers and oceans and finally reached to said location. There he saw a huge mountain he reached the top and saw the Wizard there..

Man : Hey i suppose you are that famous Wizard that can increase my Dick size?

Wizard : Yes, take these medicines and take them regularly....

Did you know that fighting increases your risk of heart attack?

Because it's assault.

Hell explained by a Chemistry student

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which so...

If women drink a glass of red wine, it increases the chance of a stroke.

If she drinks the whole bottle, she might even give it a little suck.

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The maid asked her boss, the wife for a raise, and the wife was upset.

The wife asked, "Now, Helen, why do you think you deserve a pay increase?"

Helen: "There are three reasons. The first is that I iron better than you."

Wife: "Who said that?"

Helen: "Your husband."

Wife: "Oh."

Helen: "The second reason is that I am a better cook tha...

As i’ve grown older, I realised the number of people i’ve lost along the way have increased.

Maybe a career as a tour guide wasn’t suited tor me.

They say that being scared of spiders increases the chances of them crawling into your bed while you are sleeping.

Personally, I am terrified of scarlett Johansson.

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A woman patient in a hospital had been in a coma for a number of years. Each day a nurse gave her a bed bath. One day while washing her private parts she notices that the monitor shows an increase in heart rate.

The nurse tells a Doctor, He considers the results and calls her husband. When he arrives the Doctor suggests that oral sex may help. The husband agrees and they pull the curtain around the bed for privacy.

30 minutes later the monitor shows her heart and breathing has stopped, then she flat...

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A gas station owner was trying to increase his sales

So, he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with every full tank gas.'

I saw it; filled my tank and asked for my free sex.

The owner asked me to pick a number from 1 to 10. If i guessed correctly, I would get my free sex.

I guessed 8, and the owner said, 'You were close. The numbe...

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A group of...

A group of sperm cells in a guys balls are getting ready for their big moment. They all talk about racing to the egg, who will be first, how to get in, etc. But while all the sperm are talking, one sperm cell by the name of Matt instead of chatting is busy working out. He's doing sprints, push ups...

The teacher asks, "Flora, what part of the human body increases ten times when excited?"

Flora blushes and says, "That's disgusting, I won't even answer that question." The teacher calls on Johnny: "What part of the human body increases ten times when excited?" "That's easy," says Johnny. "It's the pupil of the eye." "Very good, Johnny," responds the teacher. "That’s correct." She then ...

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Great coffee

This elderly lady went to the doctor for a check-up. Everything checked out fine. The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, ”Doctor, I haven’t had sex for years now and I was wondering how I can increase my husband’s sex drive.” The doctor smiled and said, ”Have you tried to give him Vi...

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My friend thought putting almonds in his fleshlight would increase the pleasure

Turns out he was just fucking nuts.

Did you know: If you say a number loud enough, you increase its value?

For example: 5 equals 5, but

5! equals 120.

Temple of Eternal Light

Three couples are meeting with the Grand Guru of the Temple of Eternal Light, hoping to increase their sense of meaning and connectedness with the world. After listening to his sermon in rapture they ask how to join the Temple of Eternal Light.

"You must first demonstrate your commitment to t...

Wife: Hey, guess this "What always increases, but never decrease?"

Husband: Your weight?

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The Chinese have developed a new pill that increases the average penis size by 3 inches.

Reports say they will use it to interfere with the upcoming U.S. erections.

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So they say masturbation regularly is supposed to increase how long you live by about a year and a half.

I have done the math, and figured out that I am, in fact, immortal.

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Executives at Monsanto have announced an initiative to genetically alter deer for increased movement speed.

Those assholes will do anything to make a quick buck

Berlin's Hottest Nightclub

A hot new nightclub, Integers, opened up in Berlin. The club's
advertising referenced the "infinite" amount of space on the inside, and its excellent location downtown. The walls were sleek and black, with purple house lights and an immaculate sound system. Drinks were all priced at whole dollar...

Did you hear that Rand McNally is trying to increase product sales by hiding evidence of a flat Earth?

Yes. It’s a global conspiracy.

If a woman drinks two glasses of wine a day, it increases the chances of a stroke by 50%

Let her finish the bottle and she'll probably suck it as well.

Putin calls the head of a Russian space program to his office:

*Putin* - We need to increase prestige of motherland! Send a man to the Sun!
*Head of space program* - Ummm, but Sun is a star mine president... it’s burning and they will burn to death there!
*Putin* - Do you think I’m an idiot?! Launch them at night!

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New year resolution : First day at the gym

As a new year resolution, I, like million others decided to join a gym and hire a trainer. After some warm up, the trainer brought me to the equipment. a vertical row machine. He showed me how to use the machine and suggested that i exercise one arm at a time. Looking at my physique (if i can call t...

A Lena and Sven Joke

Lena went to the doctor a few weeks ago with some problems that Sven had in bed. "Ya know, Sven hasn't been performing as well, I vas vondering what vi could do anything about it" The doctor said"I have this new experimental drug that increase performance, but I warn you it's experimental. Just slip...

Husband Sent A Text To His Wife At Night

“Hi I Will Get Late, Please Try And Wash All My Dirty Clothes And Make Sure You Prepare My Favorite Dish Before I Return..!”

(No response from his wife)

. . . . He Sent Another Text, “And I Forgot To Tell You That I Got An Increase In My Salary At The End Of The Month I’m Getting You ...

Fun fact: Alligators can live up to 100 years

Which increases the likelihood they’ll see you later

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Did you know bad comedians increase the number of abortions?

They always fuck up the delivery.

Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villager that he would buy monkeys for $10 each.

Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villager that he would buy monkeys for $10 each.

The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them.

The man bought thousands at $10 and as supply started to dimi...

When does an increase in degrees not lead to warmer temperatures?

When you get your Masters in Art History, but you still can't pay the heating bill

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Did you hear the story about Joe Shitter?

Did you hear the story about Joe Shitter? Poor schmuck was bullied for his name as far back as grade school. Everyone anticipated daily roll call just to hear the teacher call out his name and burst in uncontrolled laughter. Even the teachers giggled. It didn't end after school, he joined the army h...

What happens if the average number of bullies at a school goes up?

The mean increases.

Why does a failed physicist smokes marijuana?

Because as he gets high he increases his potential.

Why did the man ask his boss for more salad?

He thought he was due a celery increase.

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How To Increase Penis Size Easily

A Florida Couple Was Watching A Discovery Channel Special About An African Black Bush Tribe. The Men In That Tribe All Had 24 Inches Long Penises.

When The Black Male Reaches A Certain Age, A String Is Tied Around His Penis And On The Other End To A Weight. After A While, The Weight Stretches...

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Recent study shows that masturbating twice weekly increases life expectancy by 20%.

I've done the maths. I am immortal.

Ever since learning the meaning of the word exponentially my use of the word exponentially has increased

loads

I heard a local shoe store was doing a promo to increase sales.

Buy one, get another one free.

Did you hear the price of balloons is going to increase?

I blame it on inflation. But on the positive side, sales are supposed to go up!

So a man walks into a bar..

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?"

The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches,...

Me: I can’t believe it increased by 1500%.

Professor: I’m sick of hearing about BITCOIN! Nothing can increase by that much and still be a good investment.

Me: I was talking about the price of college tuition since 1980...

The popularity of origami has increased

ten fold.

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When I spin around my sexual desire increases.

I think it's an aphrodizzyac.

An art dealer and a painter are having a conversation.

Art Dealer: "I have good news and bad news. Good news is, a person came up to me this afternoon to ask about the value of your art. When I told him that it would increase in value after your death, he immediately bought ALL of them."

Painter: "Wow! What's the bad news?"

Art Dealer: "He...

The World Health Organization has stated that eating bacon increases your chances of getting cancer.

Statistics also show that not eating bacon dramatically increases your chances of blowing yourself up.

In a bus packed with passengers, a woman and a man stood glued together and the driver was constantly hitting the brakes!

Woman: You have something that's poking me.

Man: Oh sorry, that's my salary money in the pocket of my pants.

Woman: Your salary has increased a lot in the last five minutes.

Hear about the lazy baker who wanted a pay increase?

He rarely kneeded the dough.

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I was in the toilet when my friend sent me a porn video

I played it, no sound, I increased the volume to the highest still no sound, so I didn't bother.

I watched it for about 8 minutes before I remembered, my phone was connected to the Bluetooth player in the living room with my family and our guests are waiting for me.

I've been in the to...

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Tommy goes to the doctor complaining about increased appetite and insatiable hunger.

The doctor asks for the symptoms and diagnoses that he has tapeworms. The doctor prescribes medication and asks to meet him in a week. Tommy comes back and says that it was ineffective and that he still feels hungry all the time.

The doctor prescribes new stronger medicine but even then T...

HUSBANDS FOR SALE !!!

A store that sells husbands has just opened,
where a woman may go to choose a husband.

Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates. You may visit the store ONLY ONCE!

There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper a...

Why did parking tickets increase after Persephone was kidnapped?

Demeter wasn't working.

Scientists invent a new machine to ease the pain during childbirth

The machine transfers the pain a woman feels during labor to the father of the baby, at any percentage rate between 0 and 100%.

The first couple to test it is very excited, they connect the machine to the soon-to-be-mother and warn the husbands about the consequences. "Men are not used to fee...

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There was once a tiny sperm,

pretty tiny as compared to the others he found himself around.

But unlike the others, he did not like to practice. Most of the time, he would jump around, making fun of others while they were all trying to perfect their swimming.

His comrades tried to advise him to stay focused, but ...

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My Loving Wife

A couple years ago I met the love of my life. She's beautiful, intelligent, and compliments all of my weaknesses with her strengths. Recently, she became pregnant and I could not be more filled with joy. We found out we were having a boy, which was the perfect icing on the cake. Now there will be so...

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Zeus is offering a seat in his Pantheon to one who can complete his trials of strength.

An esteemed hero of all men approaches Olympus and thinks hey, why the hell not. If I lose I may be disappointed, but if I win I will join the legendary Gods of the Pantheon!


So he makes his way to Zeus, excited to see what is in store for him in order to prove his worth to the Gods. Al...

Do you know why China is such a great and loving country?

Because they have a very friendly and open minded government. All voices are heard and everyone is welcome , we are treated very well and our country is in a stable position. (Post this to a website to increase your social score and to increase international investment , remove this last part)

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I told her to get some of those pills that increase a girls sex drive...

...she came home with diet pills for me instead

Brewster the Rooster

There once was a farmer who had a few chickens. For financial reasons, the farmer wanted to increase the egg production from his chickens and go into business. And so, the farmer set out to buy a rooster. He drove across the county to another farm that had many chickens and roosters.

The firs...

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A villager had a small penis and hated it...

One day, he decided he's had enough of his pitiful manhood and goes to see the village elder.

The elder referred him to a shaman living in the center of a village, so he went to see the shaman. When he got there, he told the shaman about his small penis.

The shaman nodded his head, and...

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