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My friend thought putting almonds in his fleshlight would increase the pleasure

Turns out he was just fucking nuts.

The teacher asks, "Flora, what part of the human body increases ten times when excited?"

Flora blushes and says, "That's disgusting, I won't even answer that question." The teacher calls on Johnny: "What part of the human body increases ten times when excited?" "That's easy," says Johnny. "It's the pupil of the eye." "Very good, Johnny," responds the teacher. "That’s correct." She then ...

Did you hear that Rand McNally is trying to increase product sales by hiding evidence of a flat Earth?

Yes. It’s a global conspiracy.

Wife: Hey, guess this "What always increases, but never decrease?"

Husband: Your weight?

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A woman patient in a hospital had been in a coma for a number of years. Each day a nurse gave her a bed bath. One day while washing her private parts she notices that the monitor shows an increase in heart rate.

The nurse tells a Doctor, He considers the results and calls her husband. When he arrives the Doctor suggests that oral sex may help. The husband agrees and they pull the curtain around the bed for privacy.

30 minutes later the monitor shows her heart and breathing has stopped, then she flat...

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So they say masturbation regularly is supposed to increase how long you live by about a year and a half.

I have done the math, and figured out that I am, in fact, immortal.

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Did you know bad comedians increase the number of abortions?

They always fuck up the delivery.

When does an increase in degrees not lead to warmer temperatures?

When you get your Masters in Art History, but you still can't pay the heating bill

When making the transition from linear to quadratic equations, the difficulty increases...

Exponentially.

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The Chinese have developed a new pill that increases the average penis size by 3 inches.

Reports say they will use it to interfere with the upcoming U.S. erections.

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A gas station owner was trying to increase his sales

So, he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with every full tank gas.'

I saw it; filled my tank and asked for my free sex.

The owner asked me to pick a number from 1 to 10. If i guessed correctly, I would get my free sex.

I guessed 8, and the owner said, 'You were close. The numbe...

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The 6th grade science teacher...

The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?"

No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, "You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will g...

Did you know: If you say a number loud enough, you increase its value?

For example: 5 equals 5, but

5! equals 120.

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[Long] The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase

The wife was very upset about this, and decided to talk to her about the raise.

She asked: "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?"

Maria: "Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze."

"The first is that I iron better than you."

Wife: "Who said you iron...

If a woman drinks two glasses of wine a day, it increases the chances of a stroke by 50%

Let her finish the bottle and she'll probably suck it as well.

I heard a local shoe store was doing a promo to increase sales.

Buy one, get another one free.

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Recent study shows that masturbating twice weekly increases life expectancy by 20%.

I've done the maths. I am immortal.

They say the value of something increases when you shout it out...

5 = 5

5! = 120

Did you hear the price of balloons is going to increase?

I blame it on inflation. But on the positive side, sales are supposed to go up!

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How To Increase Penis Size Easily

A Florida Couple Was Watching A Discovery Channel Special About An African Black Bush Tribe. The Men In That Tribe All Had 24 Inches Long Penises.

When The Black Male Reaches A Certain Age, A String Is Tied Around His Penis And On The Other End To A Weight. After A While, The Weight Stretches...

Hear about the lazy baker who wanted a pay increase?

He rarely kneeded the dough.

Why did parking tickets increase after Persephone was kidnapped?

Demeter wasn't working.

The World Health Organization has stated that eating bacon increases your chances of getting cancer.

Statistics also show that not eating bacon dramatically increases your chances of blowing yourself up.

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender,

"If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. ...

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When I spin around my sexual desire increases.

I think it's an aphrodizzyac.

Scientists have recently discovered a virus that increases the apathy of those infected.

No one seems to care.

Did you know that being possessed by a ghost increases your body weight?

For weight loss, exorcising is recommended.

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"Thank you for contacting Xfinity Internet, my name is Janice, with whom do I have the pleasure of speaking with today?"

*"Hello Janice my name is Daniel."*

Janice: *"Pleased to meet you Daniel, how can I help you"*

Daniel: *"Well, I'd like to increase my Internet access speed to something more suitable."*

Janice: *"Great! That should not be a problem. So what is your current plan?"*

Dani...

Back when I was in high school, I worked at a grocery store as a stockboy.

One of the "long time fixtures" there was a homeless guy who would sit outside and ask for change. He was there every day, from opening of the store until closing, without fail.

Several months after I started, the owner decided to go in a new direction with the store and wanted to increase wo...

I think this is pretty well-known but people on this sub seem to like reposts so here y'all go:

Question on a university chemistry class midterm:

​

\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\* Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? > > Most of the students wrote proofs of their...

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20-Year double-blind university study in Sweden on the effects of diet on sex drive

Have you heard about this new study?

Researchers in Sweden tracked 2,000 couples from the moment they first started dating out to twenty (20) years forward.

Obviously, most of the couples ended up getting divorced, but their behavior and health was still tracked throughout the study....

If Donald Trump becomes president, he'll increase taxes, he'll increase borders...

And the population of Canada.

An Indian tribal chief

decided to call his local National Weather Service office to see what kind of winter was expected. The forecaster replied, "Well, it looks like it will be cold." So the chief gathered his tribe together and warned them that the winter would be cold, so they needed to start collecting fire wood.
<...

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What is the cause of an increase in sexual desire in young men?

Whore-moans

The devil visited a lawyer’s office and made him an offer.

The devil visited a lawyer’s office and made him an offer. “I can arrange some things for you,” the devil said. “I’ll increase your income five-fold. Your partners will love you; your clients will respect you; you’ll have four months of vacation each year and live to be a hundred. All I require ...

SPOILER ALERT:

I just had a piece of metal fitted to the back of my car to reduce drag and increase fuel efficiency.

r/jokes is holding a meetup.

Thousands of people come, and they need someone to organize them, so the oldest mod, u/Daleeburg, is chosen to host the event.

"Welcome, Redditors!" He begins as everybody settles in. "We have some very important speakers coming up. I would like to thank--" but u/Daleeburg never finishes his ...

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Women are impossible to please !!

&#x200B;

A store that sells husbands, Husband-Mart, has just opened. Here a woman may go to choose a husband from among many men. The store is composed of six (6) floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch. As you...

A Cowboy is looking in the market for a new horse...

He walks in to town and sees on a churches sign horse for free come inside and ask the pastor.

The Cowboy walks and talkes to the pastor:

Cowboy: So... I hear you have a horse for free?

Pastor: I sure do, but you have to know that this horse is special. It will only move forward...

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A man with a small penis finally gathers the courage to talk to a doctor about it.

The man explains his situation, and asks the doctor if there are any over the counter pills he can take.

"Not really, you see, most of these miracle pills don't actually work, and come with a plethora of side effects," the doctor replied. "But, I can write you a prescription that should fix t...

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Studies show that prostitutes have higher levels of oxytocin than the average person.

Oxytocin is known to increase erotic vocalizations during sex. Scientists believe that this may be an adaptation to help with pleasing their clients.

It's a very powerful whore-moan.

Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-week strike on Wednesday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife

Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement.


The unrest began last Tuesday, when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death, would be cut by 25% this February from 72 to 54. A spokesman said increases in rec...

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Zeus is offering a seat in his Pantheon for the first person to complete his trials of strength.

An esteemed hero of all men approaches Olympus and thinks hey, why the hell not. If I lose I may be disappointed, but if I win I will join the legendary Gods of the Pantheon!

So he makes his way to Zeus, excited to see what is in store for him in order to prove his worth to the Gods. Along th...

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A villager had a small penis and hated it...

One day, he decided he's had enough of his pitiful manhood and goes to see the village elder.

The elder referred him to a shaman living in the center of a village, so he went to see the shaman. When he got there, he told the shaman about his small penis.

The shaman nodded his head, and...

Three prisoners

Three prisoners escape from a chain gang and run off towards a farm. They can hear the guards and the dogs behind them. They stop at the fence and agree to split up to increase the odds of escaping.

One prisoner runs towards the barn, one hides in the hen house, and the third guy heads toward...

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This elderly lady went to the doctor for a check-up.

Everything checked out fine.

The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, ”Doctor, I haven’t had sex for years now and I was wondering how I can increase my husband’s sex drive.”

The doctor smiled and said, ”Have you tried to give him Viagra?”

The lady frowned. ”Well no...

A professor teaches his students about Chinese history

Professor: Allright class, let me start off today with a fun fact. During early industrial times, a lot of British engineers went to China to start up new businesses there, because of their low taxation rates. Because of this huge increase in migration, the Chinese government invested in the proper ...

A king is looking for a new chief advisor.

His choices are a physicist, a mathematician, and an engineer.
His test is simple: Whoever can determine the volume of a red rubber ball will be the new chief advisor, provided his explanation makes sense to the king, and that the king can trust the calculation.

The physicist goes firs...

Trump solves an edumacation problem

The Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos, comes running into the oval office and says, "Mr president! Mr president! I just found out fully HALF the population is below average intelligence. What can we do about it?" Trump thinks for a moment and tells her "See what you can do to increase the lower hal...

Behind every successful man, there is a woman.

If you want to be more successful, increase the number of women.

The Husband Store

So a new store opened up in town where women can go and find the love of their lives. There are some rules though:

1. You can only shop once. Ever.
2. The quality of the 'merchandise' increases as you go up a floor (there are 6 floors total)
3. You can choose any product from any floor,...

The Emperor of Rome had a thousand Centurions.

One day, he decided to give them a raise. He called them all to his throne room, and declared they be given a 4% increase in their monthly pay.

Now, the Centurions were paid one gold coin per month. That would mean their new pay was a gold coin and 4 silver ones. The total fee spent would be ...

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The Pope and Folgers coffee

Folgers manages to arrange a meeting with the Pope at the Vatican.

After receiving the Papal blessing, the Folgers official whispers, "Your Eminence, we have an offer for you. Folgers is prepared to donate $100 million to the church if you change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our d...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A teacher asked her class "What is sex?"

Johny got up and said:

"Sex is a *temptation*

Caused by a *sensation*

Where a boy sticks his *location*

Into a girls *destination*

To increase *population*

For the next *generation*

Did you get my *explanation*

Or so you need a *demonstration?*...

Britain's oldest woman turned 114 today

When asked the secret of her longevity, she attributed it to taking a walk at midnight every night. When quizzed on whether she was concerned about the increase in muggings in recent years, she said that she was not, and would continue mugging people as long as her health holds out.

I think my shampoo is making me fat...

...it says guaranteed to increase the Volume

A farmer was walking into town to do some errands

He picked up the pail he'd left at the blacksmith for repairs, a brick he needed to repair a wall, and two chickens and a duck he'd ordered to increase his stock. Carrying all this, as he was walking home, he encountered the schoolmistress, a thin, plain middle-aged lady. "Sir," she said. "I need to...

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The perfect small car

Renault and Ford have joined forces to create the perfect small car for women.
Mixing the Renault 'Clio' and the Ford 'Taurus' they have designed the 'Clitaurus'.

It comes in pink, and the average male car thief won't be able to find it - let alone turn it on - even if someone tells him wh...

Women are the only physical entity that defy the laws of gravitation.

Increase in mass does not lead to an increase in the force of attraction.

A resignation letter to my boss

I have enjoyed working here these past several years. You have paid me very well and given me benefits beyond belief. Have 3-4 months off per year and a pension plan that will pay my salary till the day I die and then pay my estate one year salary death bonus and then continue to pay my spouse my ...

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Health tip

If a women drinks two glasses of wine a night, it increases the likelihood of a stroke.

If she drinks the whole bottle, then she's likely to throw in a blowjob as well.

A man is in Iraq and sees a fancy antique lamp for sale in shop.

The shop owner assured the man that if he rubbed the lamp a genie would appear and he would get 3 wishes.

The man spent many days planning for his three wishes and finally rubbed the lamp.

When the genie appeared the man exclaimed in wonder. It was true! "For my first wish....."
<...

There was once an ambitious prince...

Born the youngest out of 4 brothers.

There was a heated discussion when all four princes were at an appropriate age for being candidates to the throne. But alas, how unfair fate is as our little prince was bested by his brothers.

At an early age he found himself planting seeds of envy ...

WARNING: Men should avoid drinking beer

Beer contains phytoestrogens that increase the female hormone estrogen in men, lowering their testosterone levels.

In fact it has been proven that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.

In a study 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour period. It was then observed th...

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A woman is in the hospital in a coma...

and the husband is in the waiting room. The doctor comes out and tells the husband every time he gets near her crotch, her heart rate increases, and tells the husband he believes oral sex will bring her out of the coma.

The husband enters the room. Shortly after, the doctor hears a flatline a...

A pregnant woman afraid of giving birth asks her doctor for a solution

Long but one my dad told me 10+ years ago.

A woman and her husband go and talk to their doctor about her fears of child birth. She says she is far too afraid of the pain and worries that she will not be able to endure it, she asks the doctor if there is anything at all that might lower the p...

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City Hall

The city counselors were discussing how to increase public attendance and participation at City Hall meetings. One counselor suggested bringing in a famous hypnotist-entertainer. The officials agreed, the hypnotist was engaged, and leaflets were printed and distributed.

A month later, City H...

A woman was giving birth...

Her husband asked the doctor,"Is there any way I can reduce her pain doc?"

The doctor said,"Well yes,we have a new machine which transfer's the mother's pain to the father.However,it will hurt a lot."

The man says,"Do it doctor."

So the doctor connected the machine to the man an...

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Sex Therapy (NSFW)

A doctor had a good reputation of helping couples increase the joy in their sex life, but always promised not to take a case if he felt he couldn't help.
The Browns came into see the successful doctor and he gave them thorough physical exams, psychological exams, and various tests. Finally, he co...

I've decided to add more oranges to my jokes.

To increase their, uh, peel.