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Japan has appointed a 'Minister of Loneliness' after seeing suicide rates in the country increase for the first time in 11 years.

I bet the nominee jumped at the chance.

What do you call an increase in the cost of magic lamps over time?

Djinnflation

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A gas station owner was trying to increase his sales, so he put up a sign that read, “Free Sex with Every Fill-Up.”

Rob pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10, and said that if he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. Rob said "today is my birthday, i'm feeling LUCKY and I guess 8".

The owner said, “You were very close, the lucky numb...

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The 6th-grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, “Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?”

No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, “You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I’m going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!”

Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, “Which body part increases to...

Today i got a wage increase unexpectedly.

I told my boss three companies were after me and I needed a raise to stay at my job. We haggled for a few minutes and he gave me a 5 % raise.

Leaving his office, he stopped and asked me, “By the way, which companies are after you?” I responded, “The gas, electric and cable company.”

Apparently they have increased the difficulty level of the "She sells sea shells" tongue twister in a newer version

The seller lives in Seychelles.

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BREAKING: A new drug is being trialled to increase semen output.

More to come.

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Did you know that the Earth’s gravity increases a bit on Easter Sunday?

It’s cuz there’s a lot more mass.

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A woman wants to increase the size of her breasts.

So she goes to see Dr. Johnson who tells her she must do an exercise rhythmically and on a schedule of 10am and 2pm. He instructs her to bend each elbow one at a time and recite "If I do this as I must, I will increase my bust". She does this religiously twice a day for two weeks and sees some impr...

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A man requested a female painter to paint him in the nude.

"No" the talented artist said. "I don't do that sort of thing.

"I'll increase your fee two times," he said.

"No, no thanks!!"

"I'll give five times as much as you normally get."

Okay, said the artist, "but you have to let me at least wear my socks. I need somewhere to...

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NSFW (Actual interaction between my wife and I) Wife: "Doesn't ejaculating alot increase your testosterone and lower your voice?"

Me: "Babe, if ejaculating lowered your voice, I'd have been Barry White by the time we met."

I found a way to increase the number of steps on my Fitbit

I wore it on the right hand

Could somebody here remind me how to increase the hertz rate to my monitor?

I need a quick refresher.

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A genie offered to increase my penis length by 1 inch for every 10 IQ I traded...

Hehdixka a. Sueuwkk aksjns sjebbe Magjxianq an

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Oxford University researchers have discovered the densest element yet known to science.

The new element, Governmentium (symbol=Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.
These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like partic...

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NSFW A nurse is bathing a female patient who is in a coma..

A nurse is bathing a female patient who is in a coma when she notices that the patients heart rate and breathing increase whenever she cleans the genital area. She gets the idea that oral sex might actually revive her. She calls the patient's husband over and explains that oral sex might revive her,...

Due to a huge increase in deliveries, FedEx and UPS have joined forces

And are now fed-up

My running coach told me to increase the volume of my runs

So I unplugged the headphones and played my music from the speakers instead.

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Customer satisfaction

Don't think I've seen this posted here so here goes

A company executive decided to have lunch at this restaurant with rave reviews. He sat down at a table and noticed that every waiter had a spoon in their shirt pocket. He called a waiter over to ask him about this.

'I noticed somethin...

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Please ignore the English errors. It's my fourth language.

Genie: I see you're short. Would you like to increase your height?

Me: Yes, please! I would give anything to increase my height.

Genie: Alright then, for every inch I increase your height, I'll reduce an inch of your penis. So, by how much do you want to increase your height?

Me...

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My girlfriend said she want's to try some condom's with something inside to increase her pleasure.

I said "what is that" she said "other men's dick's"

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Easily accessible porn is causing increased cases of erectile dysfunction in younger populations...

Its a growing problem.

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During the Coronavirus Pandemic the government gave all MPs a £10k increase on the expenses they can claim.....

Don't those Wankers know Pornhub is free just now?

HELL EXPLAINED

The following is an actual question given on a University of Arizona
chemistry midterm, and an actual answer turned in by a student.

The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it
with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the
pl...

Due to a severe increase in Teachers having affairs with their Students,

Homeschooling has been banned by the Governor of Alabama.

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Hello! Mr. Hussein?

Saddam Hussein was sitting in his office wondering who to invade next when his telephone rang.

"Hallo! Mr. Hussein," a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy up in County Cavan, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"

"Well, Paddy," Sadd...

Did you know: If you say a number loud enough, you increase its value?

For example: 5 equals 5, but

5! equals 120.

Did you know?

Did you know: A squirrel's brain actually increases in size during winter to remember where they buried their nuts.

...

The technical term for it is post-nut clarity

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A woman patient in a hospital had been in a coma for a number of years. Each day a nurse gave her a bed bath. One day while washing her private parts she notices that the monitor shows an increase in heart rate.

The nurse tells a Doctor, He considers the results and calls her husband. When he arrives the Doctor suggests that oral sex may help. The husband agrees and they pull the curtain around the bed for privacy.

30 minutes later the monitor shows her heart and breathing has stopped, then she flat...

When two marijuana dispensaries are unable to increase sales by changing location,

they have reached hash equilibrium.

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I bought a bottle of shampoo the other day, which promised to “increase volume”

What a load of shit, I poured half the bottle into my ear and if anything it did the opposite

What did one nail technician say to the other after a customer walked out over a $1 price increase?

Man, he petty

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Chemical Analysis of Women

Item: Chemical Analysis



Subject: Women



Symbol: Wo



Discovered by: Adam



Atomic Weight: Average expected as 150lb, but there are known isotopes ranging from 100lb to 250lb.


Occurrence: Surplus quanti...

A pastor asked his congregation for a raise...

A pastor's wife was pregnant, and he asked his congregation for a pay raise... they took a vote, and decided that every time a pastor had a child, their pay would be increased...

...after the preacher's 6th child, the congregation began to get uneasy about the pastor's high pay rate. They met...

I know a joke about nitric oxide

Every time I tell it though my skin turns red and I sometimes see spots.

See, because nitric oxide is a vasodilator that increases blood flow and lowers blood pressure? Yeah I know, it’s way too complicated for a joke, that’s why most people just say NO

My wife told me you've aged like a fine wine. More complex, more flavoursome, increased sweetness. Overall tastier

But with more body

In the early 1970s, researchers discovered that a certain enzyme in a specific breed of seagull chicks granted dolphins that ate them a dramatically increased lifespan…

Hoping that this could be made viable for humans, they started extensive testing.

Unfortunately, the breed of gulls wasn't native to the area around their laboratory.

They sent a research assistant up the coast to gather additional specimens.

On his way back with a truckload o...

Woody Harrelson was heard recently to have increased interest in computer technology

Especially the RAM part.

If a woman drinks two glasses of wine a day, it increases the chances of a stroke by 50%

Let her finish the bottle and she'll probably suck it as well.

A woman goes into labor...

A woman goes into labor and is taken to the hospital by her husband. They meet the doctor and the doctor says he has a new invention that will give a percentage of the labor pain from the mother to the biological father.

The woman is very excited and her husband reluctantly agrees. The woman...

A husband comes home one day and tells his wife he found Aladdin's lamp...

Wife: Oh my god, you're SO LUCKY! What did you wish for darling?

Husband: I asked him to increase your brain ten times.

Wife: Awww, you're so sweet baby! And did it work?

Husband: He laughed and said multiplication doesn't apply on zero.

I heard that they had to increase the security in the graveyard last week.

People were dieing to get in.

As i’ve grown older, I realised the number of people i’ve lost along the way have increased.

Maybe a career as a tour guide wasn’t suited tor me.

The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats

and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." Brits have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome"...

Did you know that fighting increases your risk of heart attack?

Because it's assault.

If women drink a glass of red wine, it increases the chance of a stroke.

If she drinks the whole bottle, she might even give it a little suck.

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There was a guy with a miro penis(nsfw)

There was a guy with a penis so small, he was so dejected whenever he saw it. He went to a lot of doctors in order to get a larger penis,but in vain. After enquiring a lot, he came to know that there was a sage who lived upon a mountain who helped in increasing penis sizes.


He agreed to g...

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The Chinese have developed a new pill that increases the average penis size by 3 inches.

Reports say they will use it to interfere with the upcoming U.S. erections.

Scientists are saying that the capital of the Republic of Ireland has increased by a staggering 100%!

It’s Dublin

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My friend thought putting almonds in his fleshlight would increase the pleasure

Turns out he was just fucking nuts.

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[Long] The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase

The wife was very upset about this, and decided to talk to her about the raise.

She asked: "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?"

Maria: "Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze."

"The first is that I iron better than you."

Wife: "Who said you iron...

They say that being scared of spiders increases the chances of them crawling into your bed while you are sleeping.

Personally, I am terrified of scarlett Johansson.

The Horse Challenge (LONG)

Every year, during fair season, a local farmer takes his horse and sets up a booth at various fairs. The rules are simple and the reward is great; make his horse nod yes and then shake his head no- doing this earns a $500 prize.

As it so happens fair season is in full swing, and the farmer...

Old tribal wisdom says that wh...

Old tribal wisdom says that when you discover you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount. Businesses, however, often try other strategies. These include...
1. Buying a stronger whip.
2. Changing riders.
3. Saying things like "This is the way we always have ridden this hor...

Wife: Hey, guess this "What always increases, but never decrease?"

Husband: Your weight?

Did you hear about VR for Cows?

In Russia they are using Virtual reality to enhance cows moods and increase milk production. On theose cold dreary days the put the VR headset on them and show them summer pastures.

You could say it is a mooood enhancer!

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Executives at Monsanto have announced an initiative to genetically alter deer for increased movement speed.

Those assholes will do anything to make a quick buck

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How To Increase Penis Size Easily

A Florida Couple Was Watching A Discovery Channel Special About An African Black Bush Tribe. The Men In That Tribe All Had 24 Inches Long Penises.

When The Black Male Reaches A Certain Age, A String Is Tied Around His Penis And On The Other End To A Weight. After A While, The Weight Stretches...

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Wife is in ICU, things aren’t looking good.

During night shift, they are giving her nightly bed bath. As they are washing her lady parts, the nurses notice that her heart rate increases, breathing is getting deeper, blood pressure is holding steady.

So they come get me and tell me what happened. They say they have a crazy idea and thi...

Once upon a time, a man appear...

Once upon a time, a man appeared in a village and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each.
The villagers, knowing there were many monkeys, went to the forest and started catching them. The man bought thousands at $10 each and, as supply started to diminish, the villagers...

funniest joke you'll hear today about congestive heart failure

Assuming you are healthy, your heart when working normally, acts, sort of like a pump, or rather, two pumps. You see, your right heart expands to draw deoxygenated blood in from the body, and contracts to pump it out to the lungs to become oxygenated. And at the same time, your left heart draws in o...

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Recent study shows that masturbating twice weekly increases life expectancy by 20%.

I've done the maths. I am immortal.

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Thank you for contacting Xfinity Internet, my name is Janice, with whom do I have the pleasure of speaking with today?"

*"Hello Janice my name is Daniel."*

Janice: *"Pleased to meet you Daniel, how can I help you"*

Daniel: *"Well, I'd like to increase my Internet access speed to something more suitable."*

Janice: *"Great! That should not be a problem. So what is your current plan?"*

Daniel...

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A man who smokes . . .

A man who smokes has an increased risk of getting lung cancer.

A man who performs cunnilingus has an increased risk of getting tongue cancer.

And a man who does both has an increased risk of starting a bush fire.

A pirate with Covid walks into a bar...

and the Rrrrr rate increases.

Found this, i think you might enjoy, source in comments

A store that sells husbands has just opened where a woman may go to choose a husband from among many men. The store is composed of 6 floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights.

There is, however, a catch. As you open the door to any floor you may c...

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Bull Testicles (this isn't necessarily NSFW but it's not for people who get grossed out easily so you've been warned)

My dad told me this a few years back

A tourist in Spain is in a restaurant near a bullfighting arena right after a bullfight.
There's a table nearby where a guy is eating a dish with two big balls in it and all around the table people are making merry.
The tourist got curious and asked ...

The Artist

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings which were on display.
''I have good news and bad news'' the owner replied.
''The good news is that a gentleman enquired if your paintings will increase in value after your death. When I told them they would, he ...

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Did you know bad comedians increase the number of abortions?

They always fuck up the delivery.

When does an increase in degrees not lead to warmer temperatures?

When you get your Masters in Art History, but you still can't pay the heating bill

Did you hear the price of balloons is going to increase?

I blame it on inflation. But on the positive side, sales are supposed to go up!

Ever since learning the meaning of the word exponentially my use of the word exponentially has increased

loads

I heard a local shoe store was doing a promo to increase sales.

Buy one, get another one free.

Why did the gymnast become a body builder?

To increase flex-ability

Did you hear how there's a national coin shortage?

The U.S. Mint's production of about 1 billion coins per month has been slowed due to COVID-19 safety precautions for the workers.

The good news is that they've overcome the bottlenecks and will be overclocking their machines for increased production. They plan on averaging 1.65 billion coins ...

The World Health Organization has stated that eating bacon increases your chances of getting cancer.

Statistics also show that not eating bacon dramatically increases your chances of blowing yourself up.

"What do we want???"

"Increased funding for Alzheimer's research!!!"

"When do we want it???"

"When do we want what???"

The popularity of origami has increased

ten fold.

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