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Gross Jokes

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I don't have sex with my sister because it's unacceptable and gross.

I have sex with her because it's kinky.

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I told my sister to come work for me at my porn company and that last year I made $1 million. She said that’s gross.

I said “no, that’s net.”

Exasperated, she asked her spouse "Please stop peeing in the shower, it's gross."

He frowned, retorting defensively "Oh come on, hun! It's not that big a deal. A bunch of people pee in the shower. It just washes down the drain..."

She sighed before offering a compromise. "Fine, but can you at least not do it while I'm the one taking a shower?"

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When a stripper gets money that definitely has jizz on it she has to report it to the government

Because it's gross income

"Lincoln" grossed $275,000,000 in movie theaters

Which is ironic since historically Lincoln doesn't do too well in theaters

We shouldn't mix races, it's immoral and honestly pretty gross.

That's why I hate triathlons.

yo mama is so gross

that when i told her to 'do the robot' r2-d2 got herpes

what do Germans call an overweight person?

Gross

Do you know what is gross ?

Having 144 of something

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German:*whips out penis* Girl:"Gross!"

German:"Danke."

why is it considered gross to drink a beverage made of steeped soil?

Because that's just dirt tea

Wearing a second hand hairpiece may seem kind of gross

but its a small price toupee

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An old, gross joke about deer hunting



*This ancient joke pre-dates the Internet. It is from the South and is best told with a southern accent.*

I was deer hunting in the mountains of North Carolina. After about four hours I shot a nice 400lb buck. While I was hauling the dear back to my truck, I was stopped by the game wa...

People who sell meat for a living are gross ..

But people who sell veg are grocer

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I knew a cop that was fired for gross misconduct.

sorry, fucking autocorrect...

\*hired

What do you call a superstitious construction vehicle that has a gross physique?

Icky-bod Crane

People call me gross and incestuous, but I stand by my mantra!

Family should ALWAYS come first!

Some people say 69 is gross...

I call it a romantic dinner for two.

A woman was forced to choose between two suitors to wed.

The first man was about 4 foot 5 tall and ran a very successful store that sold many fruits and vegetables.

The other man was disgusting. He was covered head to toe in boils and bedsores and smelled awful. He had not ever even seen a bath. He was pretty much the most foul human you could imag...

A vegan said to me, "people who sell meat are gross!"

I said, "people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer."






credits to Adele Cliff, from the Edinburgh Festival Fringe. Link in the comments

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First visit to America as German guy!

I was pissing on the side of the road when suddenly an American girl walks by.
She saw my penis and shouted "GROSS!"

I shouted back "DANKE!"

My German friend is gross

He weighs 144Kg

Children are like farts.

You're proud of your own, but other people's are kinda gross.

Some people think that being a mortician or undertaker is gross, but

Selling fruit and veg is Grocer.

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What's grosser than gross?

Having a dream you're eating chocolate pudding and waking up with a spoon in your ass.

My girl friend smells gross

So I finally bought a shovel and burried her.

My wife said "You are gross inside."

Me: So that's what you were doing back there

What do you call a stew that is less gross?

A st

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gross and not PC, but funny...

A guy walks into a brothel, and the madam greets him at the counter. He explains that he would like to have a go, but he is a little short on cash. The madam points to a very plain looking woman sitting in the parlor, and says "Well, that's Brenda. She will cost you $20." The guy explains that he re...

You get what you pay for (NSFW/Gross)

A man goes to a brothel and walks up to the clerk at the front desk. The man says "I would like to buy some entertainment for the night." The clerk replies, "I would recommend Jessica. She is one the 3rd floor, room 7. She is $250 for the night." The man replies "That's Outrageous! I can't pay that!...

For a change of pace, here's a limerick; "( (12 + 144 + 20 + 3 Sqrt[4]) / 7 ) + 5*11 = 9^2 + 0"

Sorry, did that not make any sense?

How about -

>"A dozen, a gross, and a score,
>
>plus three times the square root of four,
>
>divided by seven,
>
>plus five times eleven,
>
>is nine squared and not a bit more."

Did you know in 1998 Titanic overtook Jurassic Park to become the highest grossing film of all time?

I guess the Titanic can’t survive an iceberg but it can beat a Spielberg.

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What's the difference between a gross bus station and a lobster with big boobs?

One is a crusty bus station and one is a busty crustacean.

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(Gross) Three vampires go to a cafe

The waiter comes and asks them what would they want to drink. First one: The usual - a cup of blood.
Second one: For me a cup of blood as well.
Third one: For me a bottle of water.
The first and the second one, surprised, ask the third why not blood.

The third: I'll drink a tea. *Br...

The other day my daughter said, "Mold is so gross."

I told her to "respect its culture."

Not all Americans understand gross profit

But their politicians have a good grasp on net profit.

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So a man and women are sharing drinks at the bar...(kinda gross)

...when they decide to go the nearby hotel and hook up. They get into the room, turn off the lights and begin to have sex. The man puts on a condom and goes to put it in. But when he tries to insert it, the condom tears. Thinking it is just an old condom, he takes it off and figures she looks clean ...

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My girlfriend has been secretly recording me for years and now she’s blackmailing me into doing all these gross fetishes of hers

I just wish I had realized earlier because now she has a lot of shit on me

Morris says to his teenage daughter "There are two words I'd like you to drop from your vocabulary. One is "awesome" and the other is "gross."

"OK" she replies, "what are they?"

What is the most grossing film of all time?

Two girls one cup.

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I think it's kinda gross to have sex in bed

After all it's where I eat

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Why is 70 grossed out by 69?

Because his forehead smells like ass.

Someone told me that Avatar is the highest grossing film of all time.

I know some parts are a bit unpleasant, but it’s not that disgusting.

You might think incest is gross...

**but it's** ***all relative.***

What do you call a gross dessert?

Ajit Pai

Last night in jail, they gave us mint chocolates for dessert. I thought they'd be be gross, but they were actually pretty good. Turns out...

That in-prison mint isn't as bad as I expected!

What do you call a high-grossing movie about cops?

A blackbuster.

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