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I knew a cop that was fired for gross misconduct.

sorry, fucking autocorrect...

\*hired

Do you know what is gross ?

Having 144 of something

"Lincoln" grossed $275,000,000 in movie theaters

Which is ironic since historically Lincoln doesn't do too well in theaters

Wearing a second hand hairpiece may seem kind of gross

but its a small price toupee

We shouldn't mix races, it's immoral and honestly pretty gross.

That's why I hate triathlons.

Some people think that being a mortician or undertaker is gross, but

Selling fruit and veg is Grocer.

People call me gross and incestuous, but I stand by my mantra!

Family should ALWAYS come first!

A woman was forced to choose between two suitors to wed.

The first man was about 4 foot 5 tall and ran a very successful store that sold many fruits and vegetables.

The other man was disgusting. He was covered head to toe in boils and bedsores and smelled awful. He had not ever even seen a bath. He was pretty much the most foul human you could imag...

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Bull Testicles (this isn't necessarily NSFW but it's not for people who get grossed out easily so you've been warned)

My dad told me this a few years back

A tourist in Spain is in a restaurant near a bullfighting arena right after a bullfight.
There's a table nearby where a guy is eating a dish with two big balls in it and all around the table people are making merry.
The tourist got curious and asked ...

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My girlfriend has been secretly recording me for years and now she’s blackmailing me into doing all these gross fetishes of hers

I just wish I had realized earlier because now she has a lot of shit on me

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A man settles in his seat next to the window on a plane, when another man sits down next to him and seats his Black Labrador Retriever in-between them. The first man looks very quizzically at the dog and asks why he's allowed on the plane. The second man explains that he's a DEA-Agent, Sniffing-dog.

His name is Sniffer, and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work."

The plane takes off, and once it has levelled out, the agent says "Watch this. He tells Sniffer to 'search'". Sniffer jumps down, walks along the aisle, and finally sits very purposef...

People who sell meat are gross.

But people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer.

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Bill and Steve are a gray couple on an airplane.

Bill turns to Steve, "you know what would be wild? We should have sex on the plane, like right here in our seats."

Steve surprised "whoah man, there are people everywhere, they would watch, it'd be weird."

"Nobody pays attention on a plane." Says Bill. With that he gets up and shoots t...

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A nice visit to America as German guy

I was pissing on the side of the road when suddenly an American girl walks by..
She saw my penis and shouted 'GROSS!'
I shouted back 'DANKE!'

My kink went from gross to illegal

I like to have my face touched...by 6 feet

Last night in jail, they gave us mint chocolates for dessert. I thought they'd be be gross, but they were actually pretty good. Turns out...

That in-prison mint isn't as bad as I expected!

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An old, gross joke about deer hunting



*This ancient joke pre-dates the Internet. It is from the South and is best told with a southern accent.*

I was deer hunting in the mountains of North Carolina. After about four hours I shot a nice 400lb buck. While I was hauling the dear back to my truck, I was stopped by the game wa...

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I told my sister to come work for me at my porn company and that last year I made $1 million. She said that’s gross.

I said “no, that’s net.”

What do you call a child born out of incest?

Gross domestic product.

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A teacher asked a white student, a black student and a Mexican student to use the words "cheese" and "liver" in a sentence

The white kid answered, "My mom made liver and cheese for dinner".

The teacher said that was very good.

The black kid said, "I would never eat cheese on liver, that is gross."

The teacher said that was very good.

The Mexican kid says if some dude tried to step to my girl ...

I was going to tell a joke about a man who ate 288 eggs

But it was Two Gross.

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2 Irishman apply for a job...

2 Irishman apply for a job on a building site, the foreman calls the first one into his office for an interview and straight away, the Irishman notices he looks rather funny.

The foreman does not have ears where they are supposed to be, instead, protruding from his forehead is a gigantic ear,...

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German:*whips out penis* Girl:"Gross!"

German:"Danke."

What do you call bad fruits and vegetables?

Gross-eries

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What's the difference between a gross bus station and a lobster with big boobs?

One is a crusty bus station and one is a busty crustacean.

What do you call a stew that is less gross?

A st

Some people say 69 is gross...

I call it a romantic dinner for two.

A vegan said to me, "people who sell meat are gross!"

I said, "people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer."






credits to Adele Cliff, from the Edinburgh Festival Fringe. Link in the comments

If you sneeze on a calculator when you're doing a multiplication equation inside of your house, do you now have a Gross Domestic Product?

*sorry I know I tried way too hard with this lol*

I told my teenage daughter “There are two words you need to drop from your vocabulary. One is ‘awesome’ and the other is ‘gross’.”

“Okay,” she replies, “what are they?”

A whale and a dolphin are eating at a restaurant

A whale and a dolphin are eating at a restaurant. When the check comes to the table the dolphin insists on paying. The whale is quite grateful and wants to leave the tip at least but the dolphin respectfully declines.

The whale then says
“thanks if there’s anything you ever need let me k...

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Do you have an email address?

An unemployed man is desperate to support his family of a wife and three kids. He applies for a janitor's job at a large firm and easily passes an aptitude test.

The human resources manager tells him, "You will be hired at minimum wage of $5.35 an hour. Let me have your e-mail address so that...

A drunk German is urinating on a bush

An American walks by, sees what the German is doing and says, "Gross!"

The German says, "Danke!"

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A group of friends was walking around the red light district and came across a sign that said “donuts.”

Hank turned to the other two, Joey and Carl, and said, “Guys, I heard about this! The girl puts a donut on your junk and then goes to town. It’s supposed to be the best thing you can do here. We should do it. It’s not like we’re going to get this chance again!”

Reluctantly, the other two agr...

My friend asked me if I would ever try doing it in the "other hole"

I looked at him with a disgusted face and said "Eew, gross. She might get pregnant."

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I don't have sex with my sister because it's unacceptable and gross.

I have sex with her because it's kinky.

My wife said "You are gross inside."

Me: So that's what you were doing back there

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So a man and women are sharing drinks at the bar...(kinda gross)

...when they decide to go the nearby hotel and hook up. They get into the room, turn off the lights and begin to have sex. The man puts on a condom and goes to put it in. But when he tries to insert it, the condom tears. Thinking it is just an old condom, he takes it off and figures she looks clean ...

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gross and not PC, but funny...

A guy walks into a brothel, and the madam greets him at the counter. He explains that he would like to have a go, but he is a little short on cash. The madam points to a very plain looking woman sitting in the parlor, and says "Well, that's Brenda. She will cost you $20." The guy explains that he re...

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Les gooooo

What’s the difference between a microwave and a woman?
A man will actually press and pull a microwave’s buttons and knobs.

What do you call a useless piece of skin on a penis?
A man.

What kind of bees make milk?
Boo-bees.

Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Asshole!
Ass...

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My girlfriend asked me once if I’ve ever peed in the shower. I said “For sure, hasn’t everyone?” She replied “No wtf, that’s gross. What’s wrong with you?”

I replied “Well, these things tend to happen when you’re taking a shit...”

What is the most grossing film of all time?

Two girls one cup.

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Some say that the bombing of Japan near the end of world war II was a gross overreaction…

A child just wanting to try new toys, a nation unleashing the greatest weapon of all time on innocent citizens.

Others claim it saved many lives, a way to convince the proud Japanese to surrender instead of continuing to ignore the inevitable.

I don’t know what the correct answer is,...

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What's grosser than gross?

Having a dream you're eating chocolate pudding and waking up with a spoon in your ass.

The other day my daughter said, "Mold is so gross."

I told her to "respect its culture."

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What's grosser than gross, and sicker than sick?

When you sit on Grampa's lap and he pops a boner.

Someone told me that Avatar is the highest grossing film of all time.

I know some parts are a bit unpleasant, but it’s not that disgusting.

It’s all about how you perceive things

Friend told me this one,

Telling your wife’s parents that you are blowing loads into her every night is gross and weird but telling them you are trying for a baby is totally acceptable

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I had a one night stand, and afterwards she used my toothbrush

I made kind of a big deal about it, because that’s pretty gross

She said, “Well we just had sex, what’s the difference?”

I said, “*Well* I was planning on using that toothbrush again”

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When a stripper gets money that definitely has jizz on it she has to report it to the government

Because it's gross income

Not all Americans understand gross profit

But their politicians have a good grasp on net profit.

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The $5,000,000 question....

Bob had finally made it to the last round of the $5,000,000 Question. The night before the big question, he told the M.C. that he desired a question on American History.

The big night had arrived. Bob made his way on stage in front of the studio and TV audience. He had become the talk of the ...

You get what you pay for (NSFW/Gross)

A man goes to a brothel and walks up to the clerk at the front desk. The man says "I would like to buy some entertainment for the night." The clerk replies, "I would recommend Jessica. She is one the 3rd floor, room 7. She is $250 for the night." The man replies "That's Outrageous! I can't pay that!...

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Why is 70 grossed out by 69?

Because his forehead smells like ass.

You might think incest is gross...

**but it's** ***all relative.***

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I think it's kinda gross to have sex in bed

After all it's where I eat

What do you call a high-grossing movie about cops?

A blackbuster.

A german guy was peeing on a wall in public. A girl passed by.

Girl: Gross

German guy: Thanks!

(German Joke) Two American girl tourists are in Germany walking through a public park.

Both of the girls notice a Man peeing and scream “Gross!”
The German man responds, “Groß? Danke!”







Translation - “Big? Thanks!”

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