UPJOKE
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A woman was forced to choose between two suitors to wed.

The first man was about 4 foot 5 tall and ran a very successful store that sold many fruits and vegetables.

The other man was disgusting. He was covered head to toe in boils and bedsores and smelled awful. He had not ever even seen a bath. He was pretty much the most foul human you could imag...

People who sell meat for a living are gross ..

But people who sell veg are grocer

Morris says to his teenage daughter "There are two words I'd like you to drop from your vocabulary. One is "awesome" and the other is "gross."

"OK" she replies, "what are they?"

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I don't have sex with my sister because it's unacceptable and gross.

I have sex with her because it's kinky.

What do you call a superstitious construction vehicle that has a gross physique?

Icky-bod Crane

"Lincoln" grossed $275,000,000 in movie theaters

Which is ironic since historically Lincoln doesn't do too well in theaters

yo mama is so gross

that when i told her to 'do the robot' r2-d2 got herpes

Did you know in 1998 Titanic overtook Jurassic Park to become the highest grossing film of all time?

I guess the Titanic can’t survive an iceberg but it can beat a Spielberg.

I bought my wife 12 dozen red roses but I don’t think she likes them.

She said that’s gross.

Do you know what is gross ?

Having 144 of something

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I knew a cop that was fired for gross misconduct.

sorry, fucking autocorrect...

\*hired

People call me gross and incestuous, but I stand by my mantra!

Family should ALWAYS come first!

Wearing a second hand hairpiece may seem kind of gross

but its a small price toupee

We shouldn't mix races, it's immoral and honestly pretty gross.

That's why I hate triathlons.

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So this guy has been working really hard

...all week on a super important project. Its late Friday evening and he and a coworker are finally finishing up.

His co-worker says, “We have to go out for a beer tonight, man. This week has been pure hell.”

The guy replies, “Man, you know I can’t. My wife will kill me.”

“C’mon...

Some people think that being a mortician or undertaker is gross, but

Selling fruit and veg is Grocer.

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My new dog is a poop machine.

I tallied each pile as I cleaned up the yard. I stopped counting at 288, because that’s two gross.

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My girlfriend has been secretly recording me for years and now she’s blackmailing me into doing all these gross fetishes of hers

I just wish I had realized earlier because now she has a lot of shit on me

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I told my sister to come work for me at my porn company and that last year I made $1 million. She said that’s gross.

I said “no, that’s net.”

What do plumbers, garbagemen, and economists all have in common?

They all deal with gross domestic product.

Miskatonic University Eliminated First Round of NCAA Tournament

Officials cite gross misunderstanding of “March Madness”…

What do you call the weight of a porta-potty when the tank is full?

The gross weight

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What's the difference between a gross bus station and a lobster with big boobs?

One is a crusty bus station and one is a busty crustacean.

Last night in jail, they gave us mint chocolates for dessert. I thought they'd be be gross, but they were actually pretty good. Turns out...

That in-prison mint isn't as bad as I expected!

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An old, gross joke about deer hunting



*This ancient joke pre-dates the Internet. It is from the South and is best told with a southern accent.*

I was deer hunting in the mountains of North Carolina. After about four hours I shot a nice 400lb buck. While I was hauling the dear back to my truck, I was stopped by the game wa...

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(NSFW) Two whales are swimming in the ocean and discover a little sailing boat...

one whale asks the other:

"Do you want to have some fun? Let's swim under the boat and blow air to make the boat capsize!"

He agrees. So they dive under the boat, blow air and the boat flips.

"This was fun. What do you think about eating the sailors? It would be a shame to let t...

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German:*whips out penis* Girl:"Gross!"

German:"Danke."

How to increase your strength

An exercise for people who are out of shape: Begin with a five-pound potato bag in each hand. Extend your arms straight out from your sides, hold them there for a full minute, and then relax. After a few weeks, move up to ten-pound potato bags. Then try 50-pound potato bags, and eventually try t...

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My Sister is Obsessed With the Worst Guy Ever

To this day I don't understand what my little sister sees in this guy. He's unemployed and has absolutely no ambition to get a job. Not only does he rely on her for food but this fucker moved in as soon as they met despite my warnings to at least get to know him a little better before making such a ...

What do you call a stew that is less gross?

A st

Some people say 69 is gross...

I call it a romantic dinner for two.

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Bill and Steve are a gray couple on an airplane.

Bill turns to Steve, "you know what would be wild? We should have sex on the plane, like right here in our seats."

Steve surprised "whoah man, there are people everywhere, they would watch, it'd be weird."

"Nobody pays attention on a plane." Says Bill. With that he gets up and shoots t...

A vegan said to me, "people who sell meat are gross!"

I said, "people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer."






credits to Adele Cliff, from the Edinburgh Festival Fringe. Link in the comments

My German friend is gross

He weighs 144Kg

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my school life sucks.

my teachers are awful and give too much homework, they’re also so mean to anyone who tries to ask a question, and are always taking extra time just to pick on me, just being total jerks.

my classmates are equally bad, being big bullies to anyone they see, always stealing my work, tapping thei...

A German man went to New York City

He started peeing on the street

A lady walked pass him and said: "Gross"

He replied: "Danke"

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gross and not PC, but funny...

A guy walks into a brothel, and the madam greets him at the counter. He explains that he would like to have a go, but he is a little short on cash. The madam points to a very plain looking woman sitting in the parlor, and says "Well, that's Brenda. She will cost you $20." The guy explains that he re...

A drunk German is urinating on a bush

An American walks by, sees what the German is doing and says, "Gross!"

The German says, "Danke!"

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"12 Days Of Christmas - Bayou Style"

Day 1 Dear Boudreaux, Thanks for de bird in de Pear tree. I fix it
las' night with dirty rice. I doan tink de pear tree will grow
in the swamp, so I swap it for a Satsuma.


Day 2 Dear Boudreaux, You letter say you sent two turtle doves, but
all I got was two scrawny pigeon...

I made a mistake shaving my privates today

Or "gross misconduct" as my court martial put it

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What's grosser than gross?

Having a dream you're eating chocolate pudding and waking up with a spoon in your ass.

Long story about a story

There was a newsman Ida Gross, who worked at the New York times last century who always snuck in a pun into his reports. His editor was always on a look out for the pun, which he always excised before sending the story on to be printed.


One day, there was a gas explosion that killed ten...

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So a man and women are sharing drinks at the bar...(kinda gross)

...when they decide to go the nearby hotel and hook up. They get into the room, turn off the lights and begin to have sex. The man puts on a condom and goes to put it in. But when he tries to insert it, the condom tears. Thinking it is just an old condom, he takes it off and figures she looks clean ...

Someone told me that Avatar is the highest grossing film of all time.

I know some parts are a bit unpleasant, but it’s not that disgusting.

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My girlfriend asked me once if I’ve ever peed in the shower. I said “For sure, hasn’t everyone?” She replied “No wtf, that’s gross. What’s wrong with you?”

I replied “Well, these things tend to happen when you’re taking a shit...”

The other day my daughter said, "Mold is so gross."

I told her to "respect its culture."

What do you call somebody who eats 12 dozen donuts?

Gross

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A nice visit to America as German guy

I was pissing on the side of the road when suddenly an American girl walks by..
She saw my penis and shouted 'GROSS!'
I shouted back 'DANKE!'

Not all Americans understand gross profit

But their politicians have a good grasp on net profit.

You get what you pay for (NSFW/Gross)

A man goes to a brothel and walks up to the clerk at the front desk. The man says "I would like to buy some entertainment for the night." The clerk replies, "I would recommend Jessica. She is one the 3rd floor, room 7. She is $250 for the night." The man replies "That's Outrageous! I can't pay that!...

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When a stripper gets money that definitely has jizz on it she has to report it to the government

Because it's gross income

You might think incest is gross...

**but it's** ***all relative.***

A whale and a dolphin are eating at a restaurant

A whale and a dolphin are eating at a restaurant. When the check comes to the table the dolphin insists on paying. The whale is quite grateful and wants to leave the tip at least but the dolphin respectfully declines.

The whale then says
“thanks if there’s anything you ever need let me k...

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I think it's kinda gross to have sex in bed

After all it's where I eat

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Why is 70 grossed out by 69?

Because his forehead smells like ass.

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2 Irishman apply for a job...

2 Irishman apply for a job on a building site, the foreman calls the first one into his office for an interview and straight away, the Irishman notices he looks rather funny.

The foreman does not have ears where they are supposed to be, instead, protruding from his forehead is a gigantic ear,...

Find something you have in common

Billy is ranting to his friend Joe, that he cannot find a girl for a relationship.

Joe: Well, you need to find a girl you have something in commen with. What about July? You both like musik?

Billy: won't work. I only like rock, she only likes country.

Joe: how about April? You b...

What do you call bad fruits and vegetables?

Gross-eries

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Do you have an email address?

An unemployed man is desperate to support his family of a wife and three kids. He applies for a janitor's job at a large firm and easily passes an aptitude test.

The human resources manager tells him, "You will be hired at minimum wage of $5.35 an hour. Let me have your e-mail address so that...

I was going to tell a joke about a man who ate 288 eggs

But it was Two Gross.

What do you call a gross dessert?

Ajit Pai

My friend asked me if I would ever try doing it in the "other hole"

I looked at him with a disgusted face and said "Eew, gross. She might get pregnant."

What do you call a high-grossing movie about cops?

A blackbuster.

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Les gooooo

What’s the difference between a microwave and a woman?
A man will actually press and pull a microwave’s buttons and knobs.

What do you call a useless piece of skin on a penis?
A man.

What kind of bees make milk?
Boo-bees.

Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Asshole!
Ass...

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