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Quality Jokes

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Quality, Not Quantity

Quality, Not Quantity

The commanding officer at the Russian military academy (the equivalent of a 4-star general in the U.S.) gave a lecture on Potential Problems and Military Strategy. At the end of the lecture, he asked if there were any questions.

An officer stood up and asked, "Wil...

What’s a quality you look for in a good lawyer?

Lie-ability

(Just getting started in comedy and want to test a few of my jokes here).

How do you measure the quality of a dadjoke?

With a sighsmograph

Apparently they couldn’t prove the construction company used poor quality materials when building the bridge that fell down.

They had no concrete evidence.

High Quality Poem

Error 404

Your Haiku could not be found

Try again later

leather quality ratings

Leather is “rated” based on its texture. Cows with abundant water sources typically have softer hides, rated “A”. But hides from cows living in hot, dry climates are typically D Hide-Rated.

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What do high quality butter and necrophilia have in common?

They're both more popular if they spread when cold.

What’s the most important quality for a worker at Bausch and Lomb?

Good Eye contact

My grandfather taught me the value of getting top quality speakers.

It was sound advice.

Quality Assurance in Tea

My uncle was a tea tester. He had to test teas.

“If you would like a list of all the ways technology has failed to improve our quality of life…

…please press 3.”

I let some of my friends use my high quality printer from Spain.

When I told them where it was from, they all gasped in shock. Because no-one expects the Spanish ink precision!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I spent some quality time with my 5-year old grandson today watching a movie....

Halfway through he asked, "Is that lady going to die?"

"Probably," I replied, "judging by the size of that horse's cock."

What quality did Vincent Van Gogh have that would have made him a good counsellor?

He had the quality of lending an ear.

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Interview Question

Interviewer: What's your worst personal quality?
Me: Honesty.
Interviewer: I don't think honesty is a bad quality.
Me: I don't give a fuck what you think.

Low quality paper

Is tearable.

Quality assurance engineer walks into a bar...

He orders 1 beer.
Then he orders 2 beers.
Then he orders 9999999 beers.
Then he orders -1 beer.
Then he orders a dragon.
Then he asks to buy a jdhdjsbeh

Another customer walks in, asks where the bathroom is. The bar collapses and kills everyone inside

The worst thing about this pandemic is all the restaurants apparently using lower quality ingredients to save money.

I'll keep eating out every day, but I haven't been able to taste anything for weeks.

I went to check the prices of low quality electric plugs yesterday

They were shocking

And what do you think is your worst quality asks the job interviewer?

Honesty, answers the guy

Well, i don’t think that honesty is that bad chuckles the interviewer..

I don’t really give a f what you think…

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Whats the Grim Reapers best quality?

Hes Dead Sexy.

When in Russia (very bad quality joke)

A man visits Russia for a month. He enjoyed everything there for the first few weeks, the vodka, the cathedrals, even the people there. It was only towards the final week that he realised things started to get a bit strange. Everyone he sees have much stronger arm muscles by the end of the month tha...

The most admirable quality of Greek and Roman culture:

their ability to give terms to scientific phenomenon centuries before they were discovered.

What do you call a factory that makes great quality products?

A satisfactory

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Since it’s 4/20, here’s a quality repost

A monkey was in a tree smoking weed...

A lizard, walking by, looked up and saw him. "Yo, Monkey." Said the lizard. "What are you doing up there?"

The monkey looked down and answered him. "I'm smoking weed."

"Can I have some?" Asked the Lizard.

"Yeah, dude. Come on up here...

A man is like good quality carpet.

Lay him right the first time, walk all over him for the rest of his life.

I got fired from my summer job at M&M quality control

I threw out a batch of W's.

FINALLY A QUALITY PUN (Un intended)

FINALLY A QUALITY PUN

OFFICER: The victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers

Detective: Dear God !!!

OFFICER: Most likely yes

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Three unwritten rules to quality shitposting

1.

2.

3.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call scat porn with poor production quality

A shit show

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I hate my job, quality control at the strobe-light factory.

I'm busy working like a cunt, and everyone else is just fucking standing still.

Do you know why Germans build such high-quality products?

So they won't have to go around being nice while they fix them.

What's the difference between a quality microwave and someone who knows a quality search engine when they see it?

the microwave goes Bing.

What is the best quality to use when photographing forks?

4K

Quality Control.

Vice Executive: We really should stop testing our products on children?


Senior Executive: If we didn't test our products on these poor kids, how would we truly know if they are fit for purpose, it's just quality control.


Vice Executive: But Sir, we manufacture landmines!.

Do you know why quality food is like vaccines?

Not everybody wants it and those who want it dont get it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

First-year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body.

They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them,

"In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body." As an ex...

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My customers don’t appreciate how high quality the manure I sell them is.

I don’t get paid enough for this shit.

My girlfriend said we need to spend more quality time together.

So I bought her a tea set and a koala and said wtf are we supposed to do now?

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Where do pirates go to get high quality goods for almost no money at all?

You might think they’d go to Walmarrrrrt for their every day low prices.

Or maybe Tarrrrrrrget for the barrrrrrgains.

Or Ebayyyye to buy used goods from other mateys.

But they’re pirates.

They don’t go to the store to get things. They go to sea and fucking steal shit....

Interviewer asked me to name my most positive quality

Turns out HIV won’t get you a job

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Blind quality control guy

This blind guy applies for a job as a quality control guy at a lumber mill. The manager asked how he could possibly do the job blind and the blind guy says "just give me a chance!"

The manager agrees and decides to test the blind guy's abilities. He pulls out a good piece of oak, the blind gu...

A quality engineer married an average girl...

​After a tough life with her for two years, he ended with his patience​ ​and finally wrote a note to his father in law...​

​Your Product Not Meeting my requirements. .​

​The smart father in law replied..​

​Warranty Expired.... Manufacturer not responsible.​

Is Bose really better quality?

Or is it just a stereo type?

Don’t let anyone insult the quality of your cheese.

You can always make it grate.

I would like to be a quality inspector at a mirror factory.

It’s a job I could really see myself doing.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When it comes to sex it's all about quality over quantity.

Which is why I never watch the stuff that isn't HD.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Just tried streaming that new Bohemian Rhapsody movie but the quality was shit...

...I could only see a little silouetto of a man!

Have you seen the new brooms at Quality Quidditch Supplies?

They're flying off the shelves!

A Mexican man who spoke no English went into a department store to buy socks.

He found his way to the menswear department where a young lady offered to help him.

"Quiero calcetines," said the man.

"I don't speak Spanish, but we have some very nice suits over here," said the salesgirl.

"No, no quiero trajes. Quiero calcetines," said the man.

"Well, ...

Yo mama jokes are dumb, overused, and low quality.

Like yo mama.

When you have an “I hate my job” day…

Try this out:

Stop at your local pharmacy, goto their thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson and Johnson.

Be very sure you get this brand.

When you get home, lock the doors, draw the blinds, change into your comfy clothes, sit on your favourite ch...

How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Six.

One supervises;
One arranges for the electricity to be shut off;
One checks safety and quality standards;
One monitors compliance with government regulations;
One fills out paperwork;
And one who screws the lightbulb into the water faucet.

A high quality post on a website with active comment section

*Top Comment *
Thank you for the gold stranger

Why are people praising Netflix and Youtube for promising to reduce video quality during the pandemic?

Reddit has been doing it for years already.

Want to hear a quality joke about knives?

On second thought, I can't tell it. It's too edgy

My friend only feeds the highest quality drugs to their animals.

I told them to get off their high horse.

People are often really surprised by the quality of tattoos available in Spain.

No one expects the Spanish ink precision.

For-profit healthcare is a great system that benefits patients and ensures higher quality care.

lul

What do you call a low-quality golf course?

Subpar.

What positive quality about someone also tells you something negative about them?

Their HIV test

Two employees are having a conversation about quality control

Employee 1: We need to stop testing our products on animals.

Employee 2: Why? Other shampoo companies do it all the time.

Employee 1: Cool. But we make hammers.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I thought a high quality sex doll would help with my erectile dysfunction.

But it turns out good plastic is hard to come by.

How do they do quality control at the Tickle-Me-Elmo factory?

They give each doll two test tickles.

Quality control at a Whack-a-Mole factory

...Is either hit or miss

I tell my wife to buy good quality products but she always gets cheap junk.

The only thing in our house that doesn't suck is the vacuum cleaner.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This guy is applying for a job and is asked what he thinks his worst quality is.

He responded, "Being brutally honest."
"Well, I don't think that's a 'worst' quality at all," scoffed the interviewer with a wave of the hand.
"Oh yeah, well I don't really give a fuck what you think!" exclaimed the guy.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Just a friendly reminder to show respect to Ramadan

Yes, yes. I know we all like to have a good laugh about certain things. But Ramadan is a very important and sacred time for Muslims. And as a non-Muslim, I have since learned that we need treat it with some respect.

See, my next door neighbour is a Muslim. Ever since the start of Ramadan, I h...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When it comes to sex, it's all about quality over quantity.

That's why I'm always on top of my wife.

A woman goes to the doctor's to have a strange mark on her tummy looked at. The doctor said, "Do you by any chance have a boyfriend who attends Wisconsin University?"

Confused, the girl asks, "Why do ask?"

The doc chuckles, "I'm not just a doctor, I'm also an amateur detective. It looks like your lover likes to wear a sweater with the initial letter of their university emblazoned on the front. It's mildly abrasive quality has been rubbing on your skin."...

High quality ads can be really bad for you.

They can cause ADHD.

A doctor lacking empathy

"A woman has a serious accident and ends up in the hospital undergoing surgery.

Her husband waits in the waiting room, distraught, when several hours later the surgeon exits the operating room and approaches him.

'Hello, the surgery went well. Unfortunately, the recovery will be very...

How was the sound quality of Shrek's musical keyboard?

Nothing special, it was just MIDI-Ogre

A blonde gets a job in quality control at an Elmo factory.

A couple hours later the boss goes out and sees the production line all backed up. He sees the blonde sewing two marbles in the crotch of each Elmo.

He then yells at her, "no I told you to give them each two TEST TICKLES!"

50 cent gave Eminem a really high quality sweater for xmas. EMINEM was super thankful and said to him

GEE, YOU KNIT.

Who knew.

King Arthur wasn't pleased with the quality of his new table.

The carpenter had cut some corners.

What quality does Elon Musk look for in a woman?

He just wants her to be down to Mars

I used to be a quality checker at the m&m factory

You would not believe the amount of w's I had to throw out every day

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