FINALLY A QUALITY PUN (Un intended)

FINALLY A QUALITY PUN

OFFICER: The victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers

Detective: Dear God !!!

OFFICER: Most likely yes

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Where do pirates go to get high quality goods for almost no money at all?

You might think they’d go to Walmarrrrrt for their every day low prices.

Or maybe Tarrrrrrrget for the barrrrrrgains.

Or Ebayyyye to buy used goods from other mateys.

But they’re pirates.

They don’t go to the store to get things. They go to sea and fucking steal shit....

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What do you call scat porn with poor production quality

A shit show

My husband works in a plant nursery and is looking for quality plant jokes to tell his overworked co-workers. Show me what you've got! (I'll start)

Why are plants bad cheerleaders?


Because they're always rooting for themselves.

And what do you think is your worst quality asks the job interviewer?

Honesty, answers the guy

Well, i don’t think that honesty is that bad chuckles the interviewer..

I don’t really give a f what you think…

There was an order of friars…

There was a religious order of friars who had to figure out a way to raise money in order to do much needed repairs to their monastery. They were so good at growing flowers they decided to open a florist shop. After all, there was only one other florist in town and he was overpriced, not to mention ...

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This guy dies and goes to hell

Arriving there, he gets really sad because he didn't expect eternal suffering.
As the devil is receiving him, he asks:
- why are you sad?
The guy replies:
- because now I'll suffer for eternity.
- Relax! - the devil says. - this place ain't as bad as they say. Listen, do you like alc...

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What's common between me, good quality olive oil, and probably you?

They're all extra virgin.

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My customers don’t appreciate how high quality the manure I sell them is.

I don’t get paid enough for this shit.

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I had a job interview the other day and the interviewer asked me, 'What's your worst quality?'

'Honesty.' I said.

'I don't think honesty is a bad trait.' He replied.

'I don't give a fuck what you think.'

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My vodka Christmas cake recipe

Once again this year, I’ve had requests for my Vodka Christmas Cake recipe so here goes. Please keep in your files as I am beginning to get tired of typing this up every year! (Made mine this morning!!!!) 1 cup sugar, 1 tsp. baking powder, 1 cup water, 1 tsp. salt , 1 cup brown sugar, Lemon juice, 4...

I went to check the prices of low quality electric plugs yesterday

They were shocking

The worst thing about this pandemic is all the restaurants apparently using lower quality ingredients to save money.

I'll keep eating out every day, but I haven't been able to taste anything for weeks.

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I hate my job, quality control at the strobe-light factory.

I'm busy working like a cunt, and everyone else is just fucking standing still.

Quality Assurance in Tea

My uncle was a tea tester. He had to test teas.

It dawned on me that I was being taken for granite

as I overheard my kidnappers negotiating my release for a set of quality countertops.

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I dropped my phone in the toilet yesterday

Now the call quality is shit

Joe the Carpenter

Joe was a simple and serious man. He was a carpenter in a small village named Arge Oaks where he owned the store "Joe's Carpentry."

For years Joe impressed his fellow neighbors with the highest quality carpentry work. Some people in town complained he was a bit too expensive, but no one ever...

I have never understood why women love cats

I have never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they're home they like to be left alone and sleep. In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.

Do you know why Germans build such high-quality products?

So they won't have to go around being nice while they fix them.

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This guy got into a bad accident and ended up losing an arm, an eye and his penis.

He wakes up a few weeks later and is greeted by a strange looking doctor. The doctor explains what happened and tells him he performed an experimental surgery to insure some quality of life following the accident.

The doctor goes on to explain that he gave him a gorilla arm, that was the clos...

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Scottish blood

An Arab Sheik was admitted to the Hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery,
the doctors needed to have some of his blood type stored in case the need a transfusion.

 

As the gentleman had an extremely rare type of blood that couldn't be found locally,
the ...

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Two economists are walking in the woods...

Two economists are walking in the woods when they encounter a rotting deer carcass.


One economist turns to the other and says, "I bet you $4000 you won't sniff that carcass."

The other economist isn't going to turn down $4000 so he leans over and sniffs it. Then he turns to the fi...

Guy and his comforter.

A newly married guy from a village went back to the city for his job. He went alone so that he could make living arrangements for him and his wife and then he'd take his wife as well. Once he got a decent apartment, he wrote a letter to his father in the village saying that father, please send my wi...

What do you call a factory that makes great quality products?

A satisfactory

A man is dispatched by the UN to investigate the quality of the democracy in China.

Upon arrival, he has a meeting with the chinese president. He asks the president:

Do you have elections?

The president seems somewhat uncomfortable but answers:

Evely molning

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Just beyond the Gates of Hell, an alcoholic, a womanizer, and a stoner find themselves standing in front of three identical doors.

There to greet them is none other than Satan, who tells them a secret method to getting into Heaven: Each man must spend 1,000 years in a room with their greatest vice. If he does so, he will be allowed to enter Heaven. The catch? At the end of the 1,000 year period, if the man asks to be let out of...

I got fired from my summer job at M&M quality control

I threw out a batch of W's.

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The art of Veterinary Medicine

A classroom full of first year Veterinary students were participating in their first day of anatomy class. For the lecture, the professor begins by unveiling a dead cow under a white sheet laying on an operating table.

The professor tells the class "In Veterinary Medicine, there are two quali...

A Mexican man who spoke no English went into a department store to buy socks.

A Mexican man who spoke no English went into a department store to buy socks.

He found his way to the menswear department where a young lady offered to help him.

"Quiero calcetines," said the man.

"I don't speak Spanish, but we have some very nice suits over here," said the sale...

The most admirable quality of Greek and Roman culture:

their ability to give terms to scientific phenomenon centuries before they were discovered.

My girlfriend said we need to spend more quality time together.

So I bought her a tea set and a koala and said wtf are we supposed to do now?

At the airport check-in counter

At the airport check-in counter, I overheard a woman ask for window seats for both herself and her husband.

The clerk pointed out that this would prevent them for sitting together.

"Sweetie," the woman replied, "I've just spent 10 days of quality time in a compact rental car with this ...

I would like to be a quality inspector at a mirror factory.

It’s a job I could really see myself doing.

There were three guys named Jackson who were all in the clothing business.

Due to lack of real estate options in their city, they all set up shop next door to each other. In order to convince customers to come to *their* store rather than one of the other Jacksons, they all put up signs to attract customers.

The one on the left puts up a sign that says "Jackson's c...

A Quality Assurance tester walks into a bar

The tester orders a beer. Orders 0 beers. Orders 99999999999 beers. Orders a lizard. Orders -1 beers. Orders a ueicbksjdhd.


The first real customer walks in and hits his head.

Why are people praising Netflix and Youtube for promising to reduce video quality during the pandemic?

Reddit has been doing it for years already.

50 cent gave Eminem a really high quality sweater for xmas. EMINEM was super thankful and said to him

GEE, YOU KNIT.

Who knew.

When in Russia (very bad quality joke)

A man visits Russia for a month. He enjoyed everything there for the first few weeks, the vodka, the cathedrals, even the people there. It was only towards the final week that he realised things started to get a bit strange. Everyone he sees have much stronger arm muscles by the end of the month tha...

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After enduring it for over a week, a man goes to the doctor with intense, agonizing, shooting pains from his balls to his kidneys.

"Doc," he says "you just gotta help, the pain literally takes me to the floor, and I can't breath because of it either"

The doctor checks him over, and orders a series of tests, finally prescribing strong painkillers until their next appointment the following week.

"Im sorry," says the...

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A soap factory had a problem.

They sometimes shipped empty boxes without the bar inside. This challenged their perceived quality with the buyers and distributors. Understanding how important these relationships were, the CEO of the company assembled his top people. They decided to hire an external engineering company to solve th...

Why does Michael J. Fox make really good coffee?

Because he's rich and can afford high quality beans

I bought oats for my horse but they were moldy so I returned them and told the manager he should have better quality control.

He took my feedback.

3 men enter heaven together

Upon entering, they are greeted by god. God tells them that they will receive a vehicle, however the quality and value of the vehicle will vary based on how frequently they cheated on their wife. So the first man says “I never cheated once in my life” god inspects him and finds this out to be true. ...

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Quality, Not Quantity

Quality, Not Quantity

The commanding officer at the Russian military academy (the equivalent of a 4-star general in the U.S.) gave a lecture on Potential Problems and Military Strategy. At the end of the lecture, he asked if there were any questions.

An officer stood up and asked, "Wil...

Unlike my friends, I don't waste money on so-called quality keyboards.

They're simply not worth ittttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt

Quality assurance engineer walks into a bar...

He orders 1 beer.
Then he orders 2 beers.
Then he orders 9999999 beers.
Then he orders -1 beer.
Then he orders a dragon.
Then he asks to buy a jdhdjsbeh

Another customer walks in, asks where the bathroom is. The bar collapses and kills everyone inside

A woman goes to the doctor's to have a strange mark on her tummy looked at. The doctor said, "Do you by any chance have a boyfriend who attends Wisconsin University?" Confused, the girl asks, "Why do ask?"

The doc chuckles, "I'm not just a doctor, I'm also an amateur detective. It looks like your lover likes to wear a sweater with the initial letter of their university emblazoned on the front. It's mildly abrasive quality has been rubbing on your skin."

"Not bad doc!" she says. "Not bad at all!...

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I spent some quality time with my 5-year old grandson today watching a movie....

Halfway through he asked, "Is that lady going to die?"

"Probably," I replied, "judging by the size of that horse's cock."

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Whats the Grim Reapers best quality?

Hes Dead Sexy.

What is the best quality to use when photographing forks?

4K

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Old Macdonald, feeling lonely on his farm, asks his donkey what his favorite quality in a woman is. His donkey replies.

"I'm an ass man"

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Three unwritten rules to quality shitposting

1.

2.

3.

Do you know why quality food is like vaccines?

Not everybody wants it and those who want it dont get it.

I tell my wife to buy good quality products but she always gets cheap junk.

The only thing in our house that doesn't suck is the vacuum cleaner.

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This guy is applying for a job and is asked what he thinks his worst quality is.

He responded, "Being brutally honest."
"Well, I don't think that's a 'worst' quality at all," scoffed the interviewer with a wave of the hand.
"Oh yeah, well I don't really give a fuck what you think!" exclaimed the guy.

Don’t let anyone insult the quality of your cheese.

You can always make it grate.

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Q: Do you know why Michael J. Fox makes such good milkshakes?

A: Because he uses quality ingredients, what did you think asshole?

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A man is out playing golf one day. He finds some golf balls that have been lost by other golfers and they look like they are of a high quality so he puts them in his pocket and plays on.

Back at the club house he goes to the bar to get a drink when a stunning, large breasted young blonde lady comes and stands next to him. They get to some polite conversation and the guy is acting cool. The blonde looks down and notices a bulge in trousers and begins to blush in embarrassment as she ...

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Kanye’s rise to fame

Right before dropping out of college and kick starting his rap career, Kanye West went to visit his wealthy aunt, Shirlie Faulker, who owned a rubber products manufacturing factory on the outskirts of Paris, France. He decided to spend his summer break working at the factory part time while deciding...

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Since it’s 4/20, here’s a quality repost

A monkey was in a tree smoking weed...

A lizard, walking by, looked up and saw him. "Yo, Monkey." Said the lizard. "What are you doing up there?"

The monkey looked down and answered him. "I'm smoking weed."

"Can I have some?" Asked the Lizard.

"Yeah, dude. Come on up here...

High Quality Poem

Error 404

Your Haiku could not be found

Try again later

A man is like good quality carpet.

Lay him right the first time, walk all over him for the rest of his life.

Interviewer asked me to name my most positive quality

Turns out HIV won’t get you a job

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Just tried streaming that new Bohemian Rhapsody movie but the quality was shit...

...I could only see a little silouetto of a man!

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I’ve been getting busy with a new girlfriend recently. I’m very relieved she finds the quality of the sex adequate despite the bend I’ve developed in my penis.

I know because I asked her. She said “Weird flex but okay.”

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Quality assurance joke about sex (NSFW)

There was a quality assurance bug tester who was interested in getting pregnant. She read on a factual website that having sex without a condom will make you pregnant, so that's what she did. However, a month later, she was not pregnant.

Frustrated, she submitted a complaint to the website th...

A jealous husband hired a private detective to check on the movements of his wife

The husband wanted more than a written report , he wanted video of his wife's activities . A week later , the detective returned with a video . They sat down together to watch it
Although the quality was less than professional , the husband saw his wife meeting another man ! He saw the two of...

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I thought a high quality sex doll would help with my erectile dysfunction.

But it turns out good plastic is hard to come by.

I just got a photo from a speed camera through the mail.

I sent it right back – way too expensive and really bad quality.

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When it comes to sex it's all about quality over quantity.

Which is why I never watch the stuff that isn't HD.

Low quality paper

Is tearable.

For-profit healthcare is a great system that benefits patients and ensures higher quality care.

lul

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Indian government wants to build a factory [long]

So they called for bids from several local and international companies. Three were shortlisted: one local, one Chinese, one Japanese.

* The Japanese firm offered to build it for 25 Mn dollars in six months, and offered a guarantee for 10 years. But they were not keen on bribing the contract o...

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What would you say that your best quality is?

I went for an interview yesterday and the guy asked me what I thought was my best quality.

Me: I am very honest in my opinions

Him: well, I think that's very admirable. I'm impressed

Me: I don't give a rats ass what you think

A high quality post on a website with active comment section

*Top Comment *
Thank you for the gold stranger

Singapore’s education system be like

Memo to all students : In order to assure the highest levels
of quality work and productivity from students, it will be
our policy to keep all students well taught through our
program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TEACHING (S.H.I.T.). We are
trying to give our students more S.H.I.T. than any...

What positive quality about someone also tells you something negative about them?

Their HIV test

Have you seen the new brooms at Quality Quidditch Supplies?

They're flying off the shelves!

Did you hear about that guy that lost his ear in a construction accident?

They reconstructed it from pig skin, the sound quality is good but there's still a little bit of crackling...

Donald Trump's first summit with Kim Jong-un was only to get feedback about the quality of his tweets.

Who better to ask than the Supreme Reader?

What does a quality constructed home and a hooker have in common ?

They both get nailed with good hard wood

People are often really surprised by the quality of tattoos available in Spain.

No one expects the Spanish ink precision.

How do they do quality control at the Tickle-Me-Elmo factory?

They give each doll two test tickles.

A quality engineer married an average girl...

​After a tough life with her for two years, he ended with his patience​ ​and finally wrote a note to his father in law...​

​Your Product Not Meeting my requirements. .​

​The smart father in law replied..​

​Warranty Expired.... Manufacturer not responsible.​

I went for a job interview

And at the end they asked me, “So, last question: what would you say is your worst quality?”

“Worst quality?”, I replied, “well I’ve been told that I often jump to conclusions...”

“Hmm, ok. Well, thanks very much for coming in, we’ll be in touch”

“No problem! See you Monday!”

My friend only feeds the highest quality drugs to their animals.

I told them to get off their high horse.

What do you call a low-quality golf course?

Subpar.

When an unpopular President completed his presidency, he wanted a special postage stamp issued with his picture on it.

He stressed that it should be of international quality. The stamps were duly released and the former President was pleased. But within a couple of days of the release of the stamp, he began hearing complaints that the stamp was not sticking properly, and he was furious. So he ordered an investigatio...

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When it comes to sex, it's all about quality over quantity.

That's why I'm always on top of my wife.

How do you get free karma on reddit?

~~Easy. Just make quality content and share it with the world~~ Piece of cake, it's a piece of cake.

What's the difference between a quality microwave and someone who knows a quality search engine when they see it?

the microwave goes Bing.

My first attempt at writing a joke, please take it easy on me.

A man walks into a candy shop, as he is perusing around the shop he notices the shopkeep waving him over to the counter. Not sure what he is really looking for he makes his way over to the counter to see if the shopkeep can be of any assistance.

Man: I'm not quite sure what I'm looking for, n...

Irish Cow Joke

There is an old dirt farm family who have nothing of value in this world but their milk cow. Now this was z good milk cow, which gave good high quality milk which they were able to sell and get along, so the family was actually very content. Well one day the father gets up early to milk the cow, as ...

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