UPJOKE
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Quantum Jokes

Quantum entanglement is not hard to understand:

Socks come in pairs. If you put a sock on your left foot, the other sock of the pair instantly becomes the “right sock,” no matter where it is located in the universe.

There are 3 types of people in this world

Those who understand quantum computing

Those who do not understand quantum computing

And those who both simultaneously do and do not understand quantum computing

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I was working on my quantum physics homework when my mom came barging in...

I switched to porn because it was easier to explain

Schrodinger’s cat was meant to prove how dumb quantum states are, yet it’s widely used to advocate and explain it. I bet he’s rolling in his grave...

and not

A quantum particle walks into two bars.

In one, he has a few drinks, becomes the life of the party, gets lucky and has a splendid time.

In the other he drinks too much, picks a fight with the wrong company and ends up beaten to half of his life.

The next day, he happens to meet an old buddy. After some very small talk, his ...

A physicist asks his friend “want to test out my new quantum computer?”

Friend agrees, sits down and quite impressed says “oh wow, would you look at that”

Physicist: “Great... I guess I need to get a new one”

What did the subatomic quantum pirate say to the theoretical physicist?

Walk the Planck

I love learning Quantum Computing!

Because half the time there is nothing to learn..

An electron was pulled over by the quantum state patrol...

The officer walked up to the car and said, "do you know how fast you were going?" To which the electron responded "no, but I know where I am!"

I didn’t know Trump is a quantum physicist!

He thinks you’ll change the outcome of the election by observing it!

People at my work are subject to quantum effects

They behave differently if a superviser is observing.

Quantum Physics jokes

I don't always make jokes about Quantum Physics, but when I do, I don't

I was watching a really good documentary about Quantum physics the other day



But I decided to stop watching in case I affected the outcome

Why did the quantum physicist have such toned abs?

Because they planck constant.

What message does a quantum computer have when you view an image?

"Do you want to save changes?"

Why do quantum computers make terrible community leaders?

Because you're never totally sure what values they hold.

I just lost my quantum computer!

I checked to see if it was on, and now I don't know where it is...

My car broke down, so I take it in and the guy says that he’s a quantum mechanic...

...So I ask him if he can fix my car, or not? And he says: “I don’t know, I’ll have to look at it!”

A man calls quantum IT support and complains that his quantum computer isn't working.

Quantum IT support: "Have you tried turning it off and on at the same time?"

A man asked a quantum physicist what his opinion on Quantum Superpositions was.

He replied, "Ah well, I'm neither here nor there."

Are you afraid of quantum mechanics ?

Dont worry, it's gonna be Feynman.

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Why are quantum physicists bad at sex?

They either have the position or the momentum, but never both.

I can't wait for the next Quantum Physicist triathlon.

I'm going to stand beside the bikes and yell out their speeds. They'll get so lost they'll end back at the starting line.

I'm not happy with my new Quantum Computer

Every time I try to solve a problem it collapses

A chemist, a biologist and a quantum physicist go surfing.

Having developed a paranoid sense for lab safety precautions, the chemist is worried about jumping into water with unknown impurities.

The biologist knows the local marine wildlife and assures him that the water is perfectly safe for living beings, with plenty of fishes and squids present. <...

Some quantum physicists play twister at a party

Later that day, one of them spontaneously flattens and three seconds later the other is hit by a car: they were still entangled.

"What are you reading?"

"Quantum physics"

"And why are you holding the book upside down?"

"Doesn't make any difference"

What is quantum metal smelted from?

Either ore

I have a quantum mechanic...

He both repairs and doesn't repair my car at the same time, and I can never be certain of what the charge will be.

What did the duck say when he broke the quantum computer?

Quark

I’m an expert on quantum mechanics.

Until you ask me why I’ve murdered so many cats.

I took my subatomic car to the quantum mechanic

He said the wheels have no spin

There’s a criminal on the loose in the State of Quantum.

Wanted dead and alive.

A quantum physicist and his friend go out for ice cream.

"What's your favourite flavour?" asks the friend.

"Charm," replies the physicist.

His friend looks at him.

"Why is it that whenever I ask you a question," begins the friend, "your answer is always strange?"

"Well it's strange *now*," the physicist protests, "shouldn't hav...

What’s a quantum physicist’s favorite trend?

Plancking.

I noticed a nuclear fusion reactor the other day in my backyard.

While in my backyard the other day, I noticed a large gravitationally confined plasma thermo-nuclear fusion reactor. Being an engineer, I saw that it was radiating huge amounts of energy at very high velocity in the form of incredibly high frequency transversely polarized Maxwellian electromagnetic ...

I own a quantum computer.

When I'm looking at it, things do not load. When I'm not, they instantly do so.

The secret of quantum teleportation is simple...

...but it's a secret.

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Before getting married, my wife and I used all sorts of sexual positions, but it wasn’t until after being married for years that we discovered the Quantum Super position…

… where it’s rather hard to tell if my wife is alive or dead.

Not looking forward to one day having to buy a Quantum Laptop Computer...

I *still* haven't even finished paying the last bill from my Quantum Mechanic!

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Why did the quantum physicist participate in sexual threesomes?

Because he was interested in investigating entanglement and running double slit experiments.

Why is quantum physics so much harder than regular physics?

Because in regular physics, if something can go wrong, it will.

But in quantum physics, if something *could* go wrong, it will.

A quantum physicist gets pulled over.

The police officer asks "Sir, do you have any idea how fast you were going?" The quantum physicist responds "No, but I know exactly where I am."

Can a quantum computer run Crysis?

yes and no

Quantum physics has its ups and downs

But it all quarks out in the end

You're not supposed to understand, it's.. (science joke)

A student is in biology lecture when the professor gets to a part he doesn't understand. The student asks, "I don't understand, why does this happen?" The professor answers, "You're not supposed to understand, it's chemistry."

So the student later takes a chemistry lecture and the professor...

Which repair men are best at keeping secrets?

I hear quantum mechanics are pretty discrete.

There was this physicist who came to the ice cream bar every day

to buy two ice creams: one for himself and another that he offers to the empty spot next to him.

Eventually, the ice cream salesman asks him: "Why do you keep doing that?"

P: "Well... quantum mechanics teach us that it's theoratically possible for a girl to spontaneously burst into exi...

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A physicist is sitting next to little Johnny on a plane...

The physicist tells Johnny "I call tell about how all kinds of thing work, including the plane or quantum mechanics".

Johnny says "Alright, why is it when a cow poops it plops into these big patties?"

"I don't know" replies the physicist

"Ok, why do horse turds come out all clum...

Albert Einstein walks into a bar

He sits down and the bartender asks what he wants. He says "2 beers, one for me and one for the stool next to me".



The bartender pours 2 beers and asks, "are you waiting for someone?"


Albert says "No, but there is a chance that quantum fluctuations could align themselves ...

Two electrons were following quantum physics principles, as usual, while exchanging virtual protons to conduct an electric current

One electron said to the other, "This quantum trading stuff sounds like imaginary nonsense; if I can carry meaningful information faster than the speed of light, then I will."

The remaining electron watched his former partner depart into the nether, sighed, then said to his collar microphone,...

I would like to say a quantum mechanical joke.

I would like to say a quantum mechanical joke.
But then you would or wouldn't get it, unless you make a measurement.

What's the difference between Quantum Physics and Politics?

In politics, the results won't change no matter how you measure them.

Quantum humor is so random

Schrodinger and Heisenberg were driving in a car. Eventually, a cop pulled them over and ask Heisenberg, “Sir, do you know how fast you were going?” Heisenberg replied, “No, but I can tell you exactly where I was.” Thinking this was a weird response, the cop decided to check the vehicle. He come bac...

Who do you call to fix an atom?

A quantum mechanic

A physics student ask his teacher

A physics student ask his teacher: "Can you point me to someone who can teach me a way in which quantum mechanics can be united with general relativity"
The teacher answers: "I'll see if I can pull some strings for you"

I could explain to you quantum physics and you wouldn't understand a thing.

Not because it's hard but because I'm bad at explaining.

There's a quantum observation theory where only police have consciousness

cop didn't see it I didn't do it

Quantum Immortality...

The Joke That Never Dies

A quantum object turns from wave to a particle...

"It's just a prank bro! Look, there's the observer!!"

My friend thinks the Canadian prime minister does not know quantum physics.

I know it's trudeau.

What do you call quantums of electromagnetic radiation that don't get along?

Foe-tons

Did you hear about the Large Hadron Collider going down?

They are gonna have to bring in a quantum mechanic.

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What do you call sub-atomic sex?

A quantum entanglement.

My 8 year old son wants to be a comedian.

He also like quantum physics, so I suggested he make up some jokes. Here's the first two.

What so you call a particle who likes taking pictures?
A photongrapher

Why did the apple fall out of the tree?
It ran out of gluons.

If you have any Similar he'd love to hear them and...

Physicist Joke

That is an oldy we told told each other while doing our master in Quantum Physic :

Q: what does a physicist with job tells to a physicist without job ?

A: Sir, do you want french fries with your order ?

Woman are like an open book

But it's written in chinese and about quantum mechanics.

Just tried explaining a girl the Quantum Model

She found it a Bohr.

A man walked into a bar and order a drink for himself and the empty seat next to him.

The bartender, perplexed as to why the man would order a drink for an empty chair, made two drinks for the man and the empty chair.
This seemed to happen every time the man entered the bar. He would order a drink for himself and an empty chair next to him.
Finally, curiosity overtook the barm...

Santa is entangled

Eureka! I have it. Santa's wave function is entangled with the wave functions of all non-naughty kids and all presents. Observation on Christmas morning collapses the wave function, so presents appear instantaneously under the trees of all good kids. No violation of relativity in Santa's travel. ...

A man is explaining the concepts of time travel.

He speaks of how you must not manipulate what happened before, because that is how the current events occurred. However, it may be possible to change what will happen, due to quantum uncertainty.

In summary, he passed the past, presented the present and featured the future.

A physicist sits down at a bar and orders two drinks.

He places one in front of the empty seat next to him, while he slowly consumes the other. Upon finishing, he orders another drink. The bartender notices the untouched beverage and motions to it. "Something wrong with this one?" "No," says the physicist, "that one is for my companion." "Oh," say...

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Two quantum mechanics professors had sex

They must have had physical chemistry.

Why are colleges starting to teach quantum computing?

When professors try to explain binary states, the students tell them to go educate themselves.

I refuse to accept non-binary

Quantum computers are expressly forbidden in this house.

(Everyone I know cringed, so I figured yall may like it.)

This is a decent joke but it's relatable at least

Cool quantum physics fact!

When cooled, helium becomes a superfluid! To get to this state, it has to be cooled to a very very cold temperature. About -270 C!



That's almost as cold as my bed every night ;-;

What's the opposite of quantum physics?

Logic.


(If you don't like physics jokes, just keep movin')


...(if you don't like math jokes, trust me, sometimes it makes a difference).

What kind of Mechanics fix and break your car at the same time?

Quantum Mechanics.

I love the BBC’s documentaries about time and space!

I really quantum to continuum!

Two quarks separated by a great few light years remain connected by their pee.

Quantum en𝑡𝑖𝑛𝑔𝑙𝑒ment

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My girlfriend said it is okay to have a small penis

To roam the path is to become one with it.
We exist as superpositions of possibilities. We heal, we believe, we are reborn.
It can be difficult to know where to begin.

Visitor, look within and recreate yourself. How should you navigate this interstellar dreamscape? The dreamscape is cal...

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A duck walks into my chemistry class

So, a duck walked into my chemistry class. The teacher jumped up and started shooing it out, but one kid gets between them and says "No, don't! Haven't you heard of this duck? He's a genius!" The teacher knows the kid is lying, but doesn't see the harm in humoring him, so she asks the kid to prove h...

A physicist walks in to an ice cream parlor...

... sits down and orders himself an ice cream and also a second ice cream that then offers to the empty stool next to him. He does this every day for about a week. Finally, the owner comes up to him and asks,
"Good afternoon. We were all wondering what's the deal with you ordering the second i...

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normally don't like longer jokes but, this is funny

A US Navy cruiser was anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore leave.

The first evening in port, the ship's Captain received the following note from the wife of a very wealthy, influential plantation owner (who also happened to be a very generous political donor). It read:

"Dear Ca...

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The day I met ET. I was minding my own business waiting for the bus when this weirdo sits next to me and pokes me on the shoulder.

"Stop it, will you!" I said. He does it again and I was about to slap the silly grin of his face, but he raised his hand and said there was no need for violence, he was a stranger from a different planet and came to study earthlings.

"Prove it" I said, and he opens his jacket and there are gi...

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Going to Heaven

One day, three men died and went to hell. Satan was there and the three guys asked to be sent to heaven. However, Satan said that only the good people can go to heaven. So he let them give him a question each. If Satan can answer their questions correctly, the person will stay in Hell; but if Satan ...

A scientist was being interviewed by the press

The press asked him "Can you explain to us about quantum computers?"

He replied "Yes and No at the same time"

President Trump‘s personal library burned down

Reality has always been radiating dreamweavers whose lives are opened by divinity. We are in the midst of an ancient condensing of nature that will enable us to access the infinite itself. Throughout history, humans have been interacting with the biosphere via meridians.

Although you may not ...

Two particles are trapped in a field

One particle says to the other "I got you some flowers, you may have them if you quantum"

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Goldfish, man, you made me so happy, I'll do anything for you...

This is long, so bear with me.
So I was fishing at this pond close to home, see. And all day I was fishing, with nothing biting. Just as the sun was setting, something was finally tugging and wouldn't you know, the most brightly coloured gold FISH(!) was at the end of my fishing string. And w...

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