Quantum entanglement is not hard to understand:

Socks come in pairs. If you put a sock on your left foot, the other sock of the pair instantly becomes the “right sock,” no matter where it is located in the universe.

I love learning Quantum Computing!

Because half the time there is nothing to learn..

An electron was pulled over by the quantum state patrol...

The officer walked up to the car and said, "do you know how fast you were going?" To which the electron responded "no, but I know where I am!"

A physicist asks his friend “want to test out my new quantum computer?”

Friend agrees, sits down and quite impressed says “oh wow, would you look at that”

Physicist: “Great... I guess I need to get a new one”

There are 3 types of people in this world

Those who understand quantum computing

Those who do not understand quantum computing

And those who both simultaneously do and do not understand quantum computing

What did the subatomic quantum pirate say to the theoretical physicist?

Walk the Planck

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I was working on my quantum physics homework when my mom came barging in...

I switched to porn because it was easier to explain

Schrodinger’s cat was meant to prove how dumb quantum states are, yet it’s widely used to advocate and explain it. I bet he’s rolling in his grave...

and not

Quantum Physics jokes

I don't always make jokes about Quantum Physics, but when I do, I don't

I didn’t know Trump is a quantum physicist!

He thinks you’ll change the outcome of the election by observing it!

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Quantum physicists have the best sex.

They know all the super positions.

"As a quantum physicist opening the box with Schrodinger's cat, do you expect it to be dead or alive?"

"Yes"

A quantum particle walks into two bars.

In one, he has a few drinks, becomes the life of the party, gets lucky and has a splendid time.

In the other he drinks too much, picks a fight with the wrong company and ends up beaten to half of his life.

The next day, he happens to meet an old buddy. After some very small talk, his ...

People at my work are subject to quantum effects

They behave differently if a superviser is observing.

Why do quantum computers make terrible community leaders?

Because you're never totally sure what values they hold.

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Why are quantum physicists bad at sex?

They either have the position or the momentum, but never both.

The journalist asked, "Excuse me, is it true that quantum computing could spell the end of civilization as we know it?"

The scientist replied:

"Yes ... and no. It's a bit uncertain."

How many quantum physicists does it take to change a lightbulb?

...

Two. One to change the bulb and one to renormalize the wavefunction.

A man asked a quantum physicist what his opinion on Quantum Superpositions was.

He replied, "Ah well, I'm neither here nor there."

My car broke down, so I take it in and the guy says that he’s a quantum mechanic...

...So I ask him if he can fix my car, or not? And he says: “I don’t know, I’ll have to look at it!”

What message does a quantum computer have when you view an image?

"Do you want to save changes?"

What's the difference between Quantum Physics and Politics?

In politics, the results won't change no matter how you measure them.

I just lost my quantum computer!

I checked to see if it was on, and now I don't know where it is...

What’s a quantum physicist’s favorite trend?

Plancking.

Two electrons were following quantum physics principles, as usual, while exchanging virtual protons to conduct an electric current

One electron said to the other, "This quantum trading stuff sounds like imaginary nonsense; if I can carry meaningful information faster than the speed of light, then I will."

The remaining electron watched his former partner depart into the nether, sighed, then said to his collar microphone,...

I would like to say a quantum mechanical joke.

I would like to say a quantum mechanical joke.
But then you would or wouldn't get it, unless you make a measurement.

A chemist, a biologist and a quantum physicist go surfing.

Having developed a paranoid sense for lab safety precautions, the chemist is worried about jumping into water with unknown impurities.

The biologist knows the local marine wildlife and assures him that the water is perfectly safe for living beings, with plenty of fishes and squids present. <...

I could explain to you quantum physics and you wouldn't understand a thing.

Not because it's hard but because I'm bad at explaining.

Why is quantum physics so much harder than regular physics?

Because in regular physics, if something can go wrong, it will.

But in quantum physics, if something *could* go wrong, it will.

Physicist Joke

That is an oldy we told told each other while doing our master in Quantum Physic :

Q: what does a physicist with job tells to a physicist without job ?

A: Sir, do you want french fries with your order ?

A quantum physicist and his friend go out for ice cream.

"What's your favourite flavour?" asks the friend.

"Charm," replies the physicist.

His friend looks at him.

"Why is it that whenever I ask you a question," begins the friend, "your answer is always strange?"

"Well it's strange *now*," the physicist protests, "shouldn't hav...

I can't wait for the next Quantum Physicist triathlon.

I'm going to stand beside the bikes and yell out their speeds. They'll get so lost they'll end back at the starting line.

This is a decent joke but it's relatable at least

Cool quantum physics fact!

When cooled, helium becomes a superfluid! To get to this state, it has to be cooled to a very very cold temperature. About -270 C!



That's almost as cold as my bed every night ;-;

Some quantum physicists play twister at a party

Later that day, one of them spontaneously flattens and three seconds later the other is hit by a car: they were still entangled.

A quantum physicist gets pulled over.

The police officer asks "Sir, do you have any idea how fast you were going?" The quantum physicist responds "No, but I know exactly where I am."

Are you afraid of quantum mechanics ?

Dont worry, it's gonna be Feynman.

The secret of quantum teleportation is simple...

...but it's a secret.

My friend thinks the Canadian prime minister does not know quantum physics.

I know it's trudeau.

Which repair men are best at keeping secrets?

I hear quantum mechanics are pretty discrete.

I noticed a nuclear fusion reactor the other day in my backyard.

While in my backyard the other day, I noticed a large gravitationally confined plasma thermo-nuclear fusion reactor. Being an engineer, I saw that it was radiating huge amounts of energy at very high velocity in the form of incredibly high frequency transversely polarized Maxwellian electromagnetic ...

There's a quantum observation theory where only police have consciousness

cop didn't see it I didn't do it

What do you call quantums of electromagnetic radiation that don't get along?

Foe-tons

Can a quantum computer run Crysis?

yes and no

Quantum Immortality...

The Joke That Never Dies

There was this physicist who came to the ice cream bar every day

to buy two ice creams: one for himself and another that he offers to the empty spot next to him.

Eventually, the ice cream salesman asks him: "Why do you keep doing that?"

P: "Well... quantum mechanics teach us that it's theoratically possible for a girl to spontaneously burst into exi...

"What are you reading?"

"Quantum physics"

"And why are you holding the book upside down?"

"Doesn't make any difference"

Quantum physics has its ups and downs

But it all quarks out in the end

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Two quantum mechanics professors had sex

They must have had physical chemistry.

Who do you call to fix an atom?

A quantum mechanic

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Why are dicks like quantum particles

Measuring them changes the result

A physics student ask his teacher

A physics student ask his teacher: "Can you point me to someone who can teach me a way in which quantum mechanics can be united with general relativity"
The teacher answers: "I'll see if I can pull some strings for you"

A physicist sits down at a bar and orders two drinks.

He places one in front of the empty seat next to him, while he slowly consumes the other. Upon finishing, he orders another drink. The bartender notices the untouched beverage and motions to it. "Something wrong with this one?" "No," says the physicist, "that one is for my companion." "Oh," say...

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A physicist is sitting next to little Johnny on a plane...

The physicist tells Johnny "I call tell about how all kinds of thing work, including the plane or quantum mechanics".

Johnny says "Alright, why is it when a cow poops it plops into these big patties?"

"I don't know" replies the physicist

"Ok, why do horse turds come out all clum...

Santa is entangled

Eureka! I have it. Santa's wave function is entangled with the wave functions of all non-naughty kids and all presents. Observation on Christmas morning collapses the wave function, so presents appear instantaneously under the trees of all good kids. No violation of relativity in Santa's travel. ...

A quantum object turns from wave to a particle...

"It's just a prank bro! Look, there's the observer!!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Quantum physics joke

Heisenberg and Schrodinger were driving. Heisenberg was on the wheel and Schrodinger was the passenger.

A cop pulls them over and asks Heisenberg: "Do you know the speed at which you were driving?". Heisenberg replies "No, I was looking out the window, I would rather know where I am.".
...

A man is explaining the concepts of time travel.

He speaks of how you must not manipulate what happened before, because that is how the current events occurred. However, it may be possible to change what will happen, due to quantum uncertainty.

In summary, he passed the past, presented the present and featured the future.

Did you hear about the Large Hadron Collider going down?

They are gonna have to bring in a quantum mechanic.

You're not supposed to understand, it's.. (science joke)

A student is in biology lecture when the professor gets to a part he doesn't understand. The student asks, "I don't understand, why does this happen?" The professor answers, "You're not supposed to understand, it's chemistry."

So the student later takes a chemistry lecture and the professor...

Relativity theory

In classical (Newtonian) physics, we can't solve the three-body problem. In the theory of relativity, we can't solve the two-body problem. In quantum mechanics, we can't solve the one-body problem, and with quantum electro dynamics, we don't even understand the vacuum anymore.

Why are colleges starting to teach quantum computing?

When professors try to explain binary states, the students tell them to go educate themselves.

Quantum humor is so random

Schrodinger and Heisenberg were driving in a car. Eventually, a cop pulled them over and ask Heisenberg, “Sir, do you know how fast you were going?” Heisenberg replied, “No, but I can tell you exactly where I was.” Thinking this was a weird response, the cop decided to check the vehicle. He come bac...

What's the opposite of quantum physics?

Logic.


(If you don't like physics jokes, just keep movin')


...(if you don't like math jokes, trust me, sometimes it makes a difference).

Woman are like an open book

But it's written in chinese and about quantum mechanics.

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A duck walks into my chemistry class

So, a duck walked into my chemistry class. The teacher jumped up and started shooing it out, but one kid gets between them and says "No, don't! Haven't you heard of this duck? He's a genius!" The teacher knows the kid is lying, but doesn't see the harm in humoring him, so she asks the kid to prove h...

What kind of Mechanics fix and break your car at the same time?

Quantum Mechanics.

Two particles are trapped in a field

One particle says to the other "I got you some flowers, you may have them if you quantum"

I had a really small problem with my car

so I took it to a quantum mechanic

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The day I met ET. I was minding my own business waiting for the bus when this weirdo sits next to me and pokes me on the shoulder.

"Stop it, will you!" I said. He does it again and I was about to slap the silly grin of his face, but he raised his hand and said there was no need for violence, he was a stranger from a different planet and came to study earthlings.

"Prove it" I said, and he opens his jacket and there are gi...

A physicist walks in to an ice cream parlor...

... sits down and orders himself an ice cream and also a second ice cream that then offers to the empty stool next to him. He does this every day for about a week. Finally, the owner comes up to him and asks,
"Good afternoon. We were all wondering what's the deal with you ordering the second i...

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Some recent grads having a beer..

Three guys, Mike, Dave, and Doug were at a table in a bar enjoying some beers and conversation. A stranger came by and asked if he could join them and was immediately welcomed. After about an hour of lively conversation the stranger said, “I can tell you are all recent college grads. I bet I can gue...

I love the BBC’s documentaries about time and space!

I really quantum to continuum!

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Going to Heaven

One day, three men died and went to hell. Satan was there and the three guys asked to be sent to heaven. However, Satan said that only the good people can go to heaven. So he let them give him a question each. If Satan can answer their questions correctly, the person will stay in Hell; but if Satan ...

Science jokes

Thought i'd make a post compiling a few of my favourite science jokes. You can add your favourites in the comments below.


Q: How many physicists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: Two. One to hold the lightbulb, and the other to rotate the universe around it.


Q:...

A Programmer's Story

As an undergraduate, I was a Double E major. I studied physics, quantum mechanics, and Maxwell’s equations! I designed circuits! Hah! But does anyone call me Pierre the Electrical Engineer? NO!

As a master’s student, I studied mathematics. I learned and proved many beautiful theorems! I broke...

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normally don't like longer jokes but, this is funny

A US Navy cruiser was anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore leave.

The first evening in port, the ship's Captain received the following note from the wife of a very wealthy, influential plantation owner (who also happened to be a very generous political donor). It read:

"Dear Ca...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Goldfish, man, you made me so happy, I'll do anything for you...

This is long, so bear with me.
So I was fishing at this pond close to home, see. And all day I was fishing, with nothing biting. Just as the sun was setting, something was finally tugging and wouldn't you know, the most brightly coloured gold FISH(!) was at the end of my fishing string. And w...

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