UPJOKE

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### What do you call breasts that have both magnitude and direction?

Vector quantitties

### So this dude rubs a lamp and a genie pops out

The genie tells the man he will grant him a wish for setting him free. The man says "Ya know Gene, I love riding motorcycles. Love it more than life itself. I would love to travel across the entire world on my motorcycle, but I'm terrified of boats. Can you make a massive highway, that connects ...

### How do you walk a perfect straight line during the next 7.2 magnitude earthquake?

Develop Parkinsons.

### What's the difference between a biologist and a microbiologist?

Oh, about six orders of magnitude.

### A man walks into a bar, and orders 10 times the amount of drinks as everyone else.

The barman says "now *that's* an order of magnitude!"

### A mathematician walked into a bar...

A man walked into a bar and asked the bartender to give him ten times as much as everyone else there.
So the bartender replies: "Now that is an order of magnitude."

(I didn't come up with this myself; I saw it somewhere and decided to put it here.)

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### Donald Trump walks into a Catholic church.

He turns to the altar boy and asks

“where’s that box where I proclaim all the fucked up shit I’ve done lately”

The altar boy, stunned to see the president in his church, directs Trump to the confession box. Trump steps inside and the altar boy realizes the priest is nowhere to be found...

### Despite all the problems it has caused, this pandemic has given all of us direction

And magnitude. We're all vectors.

### The Mathematician and the Waiter

A mathematician and his partner go to a restaurant one Sunday lunchtime. The waiter comes over and takes the mathematician's order: -

'I'd like one chicken breast, 10 roast potatoes, 100 baby carrots and 1,000 peas, please' he requests.

'Why sir!' Exclaimed the waiter. 'That's an order...

### Rumor has it there is a cult that worships Earth as a deity and sees natural disasters as messages from Mother Gaia. It's called...

...The Order of Magnitude.

### A local earthquake station gets an anonymous tip...

One day a local scientist named Steve was sent a mysterious email. The email read:

Steve I know who you are, and where you live. My name must remain anonymous, so as of now you may refer to me as "Somebody". Steve I contact you because my independent studies have discovered a massive earthqua...

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### An engineer, physicist and mathematician are in an interview (with no accountants) ...

An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician are in an interview.
The engineer is asked, 'What is 2+2?'. The engineer instantly pulls out his calculator, but since its floating point processor firmware has a bug, 2+2 gives him 3.999 which he tells the panel.
The physicist is asked the same q...

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### The mosquito that brings disease...

A village elder is brought a mosquito caught from a swarm. The townsfolks fear it may bring disease. So the elder says - "I will take this mosquito, and I will determine the aspects of the disease that it may bring." The elder rips up the mosquito into pieces. He places each one into a tiny square d...

### Ten mathematicians walk into a bar

The first one orders a beer not to be outdone the second one asks for ten times as many beers as the mathematician in front of him.
The pattern continues until the final mathematician finishes his order, the bartender slams his hands on the counter and says "hold your horses, this is an order of ...

### A collection of math jokes

A big, muscly man enters the bar, slams the counter and says in a deep voice: I want 10 times more beer than everyone here is having.

The bartender says: Now thats an order of magnitude

---------------/

An infinite number of mathematicians enter a bar. The first asks for...

### A guide to effective academic communication

==================================

* It has long been known = I haven't bothered to look up the reference

* It is believed = I think

* It is generally believed = A couple of other guys think so too

* It is n...

### The secret to women

A man is walking down a beach in California, when he stumbles across a magic lamp

A genie appears from the lamp and says, "Thank you sir for freeing me, in return i will grant you one wish."

The man replies "I have always wanted to walk the beaches of Hawaii, but I do not ride planes a...

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### A woman went to a synagogue in Poland after the Holocaust to record the history that was nearly lost forever, where she found an unusual tradition she had never seen before.

At the synagogue, when they carried the Torah\*, they would bring it around to everyone who wanted to touch the Torah, which was normal. But when they brought the Torah down the center aisle, the carrier would get down on their knees and knee-walk all the way!

The woman had never heard of thi...

### So a frog walks into a bank...

So a frog walks into this bank to apply for a bank loan. He approaches the tell and notices her name tag says Patricia Whack. He walks up to her and says, "Miss Whack I'm here to apply for a bank loan. I need \$30,000 to go on my dream vacation." Patty is a little thrown off by this unusual request a...