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My friend told me excessive masturbation can lead to memory loss.

It’s the sixth time he’s told me.

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Prostate massages are like stickers with excessively strong glue.

It’s a pain in the ass to get off.

An overweight business associate of mine decided it was time to shed some excess pounds

He took his new diet seriously, even changing his driving route to avoid his favorite bakery.

One morning, however, he arrived at work carrying a gigantic coffeecake. We all scolded him, but his smile remained cherubic.

"This is a very special coffeecake," he explained. "I accidentally...

What's the difference between the holocaust and the excess fat under a woman's upper arms?

You can make a joke about the holocaust.

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On the sixth day

**ON THE SIXTH DAY... **

**God Creating Spiders**

God: Make it have 8 legs

Angel: Seems excessive but OK

God: And 8 eyes

Angel: You need to calm down a li-

God: Give it a bum rope

**God Creating Kittens**

God: make them fluffy & adorable li...

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Whats the difference between excess and surplus

Excess is a boob you cannot contain in one hand..


Surplus is the other one..

A farmer friend of mine got jailed for excessive hay production

I had to bale him out

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I am excessively orderly and fussy when brushing my teeth

You might say I’m anal about oral.

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What's difference between excess and surplus? [NSFW]

Excess: The part of the boob which does't fit in your mouth


Surplus: The second boob

Guy and his comforter.

A newly married guy from a village went back to the city for his job. He went alone so that he could make living arrangements for him and his wife and then he'd take his wife as well. Once he got a decent apartment, he wrote a letter to his father in the village saying that father, please send my wi...

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My therapist said the best treatment for depression is to vigorously rub salt into my skin in order to draw out excess moisture.

Wow thanks I'm cured.

A cauliflower just swore excessively at me.

I think it might have florettes.

As a new years resolution, my wife suggested I should remove excess fat...

So I filed for divorce!

My local auctioneer passed away due to excessive diarrhoea.

I think he was going once... going twice...gone

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My wife is complaining about my excessive masturbation

So I moved to another part of the bus so she didn't have to watch

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Quarrantine Day 7: Research continues on the effect of excessive masturbation on eyesight.

Dont forget to press the "subscribe" button to see my next video!

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A father once told his son, "Excessive masturbation will lead to blindness."

The son replied, "Dad, I'm over here!"

I used to have an excessive amount of hair on my upper torso

I’m sorry, I just had to get it off my chest

After a fire, the corpse of a man is found in a burned-out warehouse. The investigation found that he first set a fire, ate an excessive amount of salt, then used a contraption to bury himself in tons more.

The investigators concluded that his self-preservation instinct must have kicked in.

My doctor asked if I drink to excess.

I told him I'll drink to anything.

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Currently I'm working on a paper about the excessive consumption of whiskey based cocktails during the creation of the atomic bomb.

You might say it's my Manhattan project.

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The man with a single testicle (NSFW)

A man with a single testicle gets on a plane. He is very unlucky man with a single testicle.


The plane he is on has an engine malfunction mid flight and starts falling due to excessive weight. One has to jump from the plane to save the others.


"Lets choose someone randomly" say...

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A man dies and goes to hell

The man is greeted by a demon when he arrives. He asks “where’s all the fire and brimstone and Torture devices?”

“Oh no no no, that’s all just mythology! We don’t do any of that down here in Hell! Let me walk you through the schedule. Do you like to eat?”

“Yeah! I love a good meal!” S...

A friend of mine lost 200 pounds of excess fat and obsolete tissue in a matter of months.

Better still, he felt great about the divorce.

Excessive consumption of heavy metal causes cancer and is ruining society

Especially lead. Lead in the water pipes is a big problem.

What do you get when you combine an excess of waste and recycling?

r/jokes

I feel really bad for the Mexican Olympian disqualified from weightlifting for excessive use of protein.

They told him, "No whey, José."

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Excess vs. Surplus

So this is a true story from my Air Force days and I would like to say it is a testament to how things have changed over decades, but this dates to circa 1983. I was a Lieutenant in a role in my squadron responsible for, among many things, materials that we had leftover from different projects we c...

Why do Mormon women stop having children at 30?

Because 31 or more is where daycare fees admittedly start becoming excessive.

Kid flys by a sitting cop car in excess of the speed limit.

Of course the cop chases him and stops him. With a big grin on his face the cop says I've been waiting for you all morning.
And the kid says, " well I got here as fast as I could."

What vegetable is known for it's excessive partying?

Turnip

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A kid had a problem with excessive cursing...

A kid was constantly getting punished for excessive cursing.

The parents were trying everything to get him to stop. One punishment was that if he was at a friend's and he cursed, the friend's parents were told to send him home no questions asked.

He had been good for a bit so one day...

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Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of new space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure.

In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all ot...

Two little boys, ages 6 and 8, are excessively mischievous.

They are always getting into trouble and their parents know if any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved.

The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys.

The preacher ...

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Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study to determine why the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft.

The study took two years and cost over 1.2 million pounds. It concluded that the reason the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to provide the man with more pleasure during sex.

After the results were published, France decided to conduct their own study on the same subject. The...

Reasons to Avoid Water

* Can be extracte from rocket fuel
* Is the main ingredient in pestisides
* 100% of violent criminals have consumed water in the hours leading up to their crimes
* Is the #1 cause of drowning
* Excess consumption will cause sweating, urination and possibly death
* 100% of people expos...

What do you call an excessively bullied child getting hate from everyone?

Youtube rewind.

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When a guy drives an excessively loud motorcycle or muscle car we know what they’re compensating for...

...they must have a really quiet penis.

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Researchers have discovered that excessive masturbation can cause dyslexia.

However, tihs is olny in etxreem caess of slef aubse.

I believe that marathons are bad. They are an excess; a perversion of healthy running. Running anything more than a few miles puts serious wear and tear on the joints without any benefit. Runners should be limited to no more than a 5k at the most, and marathons should be banned.

… and don't tell me that I'm just being racist.

What do you call it when you have midlife crisis and excessively drink red wine?

UB40

Having excessive mixed drinks isn't the answer...

... but they are solutions.

Someone stole my newspaper this morning, so I quickly sneaked next door and took my neighbours.

Now that I've calmed down, I think kidnap may have been excessive.

What happened to the conductor when half the cello section called in sick before a concert?

He had to resort to excessive violins.

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A Russian stumbles on something hard and sharp on his way home from work one night.

He bends over to pick up the object and proceeds to brush the snow off of it only to discover a genie rushing out of this lamp.
“Hello master, I can grant you one wish.”
After half a second of thought the Russian says “I want to piss Vodka for the rest of my days.”
“Granted” says the genie...

TIL the Hindenburg fire wasn't caused by excess heat

After all, it's not the heat, it's the humanity.

A Chemist, an Engineer, an Electrician and an IT guy get stranded on the side of the road after their car break down...

It’s the dead of winter and the wind chill is below freezing. One of them gets off the phone with the towing company, “they said it’s going to be at least two hours.” They all stay in the car.


After a few minutes the Chemist tells the other three, “I’m pretty sure I know what happened......

I love public transport, even though I get excessively sweaty.

Also, I think I take my Train Simulation game too seriously.

Why was the Jedi police officer put on paid administrative leave?

For use of excessive Force.

I accidentally bought too many art supplies

I'm having an excess stencil crisis.

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A man gets pulled over by the police for excessive speeding...

The cop approaches the vehicle, cocky and arrogant, and says "I've been waiting for someone like you all day."
The man smiles and says, "Well I got here as fast as I could, officer!"

The best thing for a hangover is to drink excessively the night before.

Not sure why you'd want one, though.

Man Runs From Cop

A police officer attempts to stop a car for speeding but the guy runs, eventually reaching in excess of 100 mph. The man eventually realizes he can't escape and finally pulls over. The cop approaches the car and says, "It's been a long day and my shift is almost over, so if you can give me a good ex...

One evening, after attending the theater, two gentlemen were walking down the avenue when they observed a rather well-dressed and attractive young lady walking ahead of them.

One of them turned to the other and remarked, "I'd give $250.00 to spend the night with that woman." Much to their surprise, the young lady overheard the remark, turned around, and replied, "I'll take you up on that offer."


She had a neat appearance and a pleasant voice, so after biddin...

Why’d the Jedi get charged with police brutality shortly after joining the police academy?

He used excessive force

She’s from Minsk

A small, tight knit, Russian village buys their milk from the neighboring town. Eventually they realize they should pool their resources and buy a cow for the town.

They all gather their money, some put more, some less, whatever they can afford. Now they have 800 roubles, but to buy a cow fr...

What do you call an unborn child that is excessively ready to accept failure?

A defetus

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I was 18

I was 18 or so and I went out to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was inexperienced. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to put it on. I said 'No, this is my first time'. Next thing i knew, she open...

Outnumbered 6 to 5, John brought grenades to a water balloon fight.

Isn't that a little... excessive?"

"No, I'm just trying to level the playing field.

Please becareful on the roads

Lots of people are drinking excessively and having their wives drive

A chauffeur goes to pick up the pope

Upon arrival the pope tells the chauffeur that he never gets to drive anymore and pleads with him to let him behind the wheel for a little while. Being a good catholic boy, he accepts the pope's request and takes a seat in the back off the car.

Once the pope is behind the wheel, the chauffeur...

Goodwill ?

It is said that when He made the world, God overturned the bag of miracles in the place where America is now.
Astonished and a little shocked by the excessive goodwill of his Creator, an angel asked God:
"What are you doing, Your Holiness? Didn't you give them too much?"
God answered him...

I fell in love with an amazing man

When he proposed I decided to make a huge sacrifice: I gave up on my favourite food, beans.

A few months later, on my birthday, my car broke down. Called him to let him know I was coming later. Suddenly I smelled baked beans from a nearby restaurant and couldn't help myself. I figured I'd hav...

Trumps Healthcare

President Trump, while on his recent unnannounced visit to a hospital decided to learn more about healthcare, because he had a need to prove to everyone just how smart, how really really smart he was about healthcare to everyone. Smarter than even the doctors and healthcare professionals themselves....

A married man left work early on Friday and went out for a few drinks with the boys. Instead of going home, however, he ended up partying with them all weekend and spent his entire pay check.

When he finally returned home on Sunday, his wife was furious and berated him excessively.
After a couple of hours of nagging and scolding, she asked him "**How would you like it if you didn't see me for a couple of days**?!?"


"That would suit me just fine!!" the man said.
...

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Farmer problems (long joke)

There was a farmer, who owned a Datsun Ute. He used this Datsun for all his farm work, feeding the horses.. Throwing bails of hay out the back of it.. Carrying firewood and what not. When all of sudden one day, chug chug chug it breaks down.

So he decides to go back to the shed to grab his tr...

A British man visits a small American family farm... [Long]

And he's impressed at just how much food the farmer is able to grow on his small plot. "This is most impressive!" he says. "It seems like more than one family could eat, old boy! How do you deal with the excess?"

The farmer, a man of few words, replies: "We eat what we can, and what we can't,...

Who's that band?

A little bar in a small town was having a concert night and most of the town showed up. They were curious to see who in this town of everyone-knows-everyone would go up and perform.

The barman introduced up on stage a couple of highschool kids, the Little Rascals, that were going through the...

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Sherlock Holmes is looking for evidence at a crime scene with another officer.

Sherlock: I heard the suspect fed the victim an excessive amount of laxatives. Tell me if you find any feces in the area.

*30 minutes later, the office comes back empty handed *

Sherlock: So you didn’t find any?

Officer: No shit, Sherlock.

Yesterday, scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.

To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, couldn't drive, and refused to apologize when wrong.

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Two nude statues...

Two nude statues - one of a man, one of a woman - stand on opposite corners of a park, facing each other. After decades, a fairy godmother sees them and, feeling impish, turns them human. "You have an hour to do anything you like, then it's back on the pedestals with you."

The woman looks at ...

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Doctor: So your child was born without eyelids.

Mother: Well isn't there anything you can do?

Doctor: Yes, when we circumcise him we can take that excess skin and make him eye lids.

Mother: Will he be okay?

Doctor: Yeah, he will be fine, just be a little cock-eyed.

There is a man drowning 100 feet from shore and is crying for help.......

A Democrat shows up and throws him 200 feet of rope. The excess rope weighs the victim down and he drowns.

A Republican shows up and throws out 50 feet of rope and demands that the victim take some responsibility for himself and swim to the rope. He can’t and drowns.

A libertarian show...

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Mary has a problem so heads to the doctor

"Doctor, I have an embarrassing problem with my vagina. The lips are huge and stick out and it makes me really self conscious. I don't even like my husband seeing me like this so we never have sex" she tells him.

"Ok" says the doctor "Lets have a look and see whats what."

Mary gets un...

if you added the letters S and E to the X files

it would be the X-ES Files. haha excess files. way too many files lol

Did you hear that Apple is coming out with YET ANOTHER new iPhone model?

Critics are calling it the iPhone Xs.

(Edit: I hate to put this here but: pronounced like “Excess”)

Did you hear about the movie “Mozart”?

It was rated R for excessive violins

A man went to a tractor convention

He saw a tractor he liked but a sign nearby had said “NO TOUCHING OR SITTING ON THE TRACTORS”, the man who ignored the sign, decided to sit on the tractor anyway.

An employee saw him and said “If I catch you sitting on a tractor one more time, you’re getting out!”

So the man kept wande...

My coworkers brought me a bunch of cards to celebrate my birthday

Each one gave me one with a single word printed on it. The first said "extravagant", while the next one said "surplus". These were followed by cards that said "abundance", "excess", and "overflowing". Before I read any more I had to stop because I was overcome with emotion. It was all too much.

Judging by how expensive this year's iPhones are...

It's no wonder why they're called the iPhone Excess and iPhone Excess Max

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God Creating Spiders

God: Let it be, that from here onwards spiders shall have eight legs.

Archangel Gabriel: As you command, lord.

God: Also they shall have eight eyes instead of the normal two.

Archangel Gabriel: That seems slightly excessive doesn’t it? But as you wish lord.

God: And gi...

A glutton, an adulterer, and a stoner are approaching the gates to heaven...

As the sinners stand at the gates, St. Peter addresses them each in turn.

To the glutton he says, "The excess food that you ate could have fed thousands of the poor and starving. You must endure 1,000 years of your sin, only then may you enter the kingdom of God." And so, the glutton found h...

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Ed and Ted were standing at the urinals in a public lavatory

when Ed glanced over and noticed that Ted’s penis was twisted like a corkscrew. “Blimey,” Ed said. “I’ve never seen one like that before.”

“Like what?” Ted said.

“All twisted like a pigs tail,” Ed said.

“Well what’s yours like?” Ted said.

“Well straight like normal,” Ed s...

I don’t get it. What’s the problem with climate change, ice bergs melting and the sea level rising?

I mean the excess water just flows down the edge of the Earth.

In 1952 the New York Philharmonic was on a national tour...

...and on their way home from the west coast when their flight was grounded in Kansas due to bad weather.

It had been a long tour and tensions had been running high. A first violin player was a wreck from excessive alcohol consumption, the trumpet section engaged in much infighting due to com...

WARNING: Men should avoid drinking beer

Beer contains phytoestrogens that increase the female hormone estrogen in men, lowering their testosterone levels.

In fact it has been proven that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.

In a study 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour period. It was then observed th...

I'm glad my parents told me I was adopted...

But everyday feels excessive.

I don't know about the new IPhone XS

It just seems a little excess..

If you add S to EX files...

You get EX-S files. Get it? Excess files haha

What is it called when too many people pass gas inside of a mine?

An excess stench hole crisis.

There was a captain that took his ship on a long voyage...

...but the sailors got a bit randy during this voyage.

So the captain provided a barrel with a hole and instructed the sailors to relieve themselves into the barrel. If they filled it up, there would be a bonus, he promised.

The sailors filled up the barrel, and ther was peace on the ...

Eggs have recently been added to the endangered species list

Due to excessive poaching.

I was thinking about buying the new iPhone

But with so few new features, I thought the price was a bit excessive.

I like that it's said iPhone "ten" S

iPhone excess would have been a little on the nose.

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An alcoholic, a sex addict, and a stoner are all in hell...

The devil comes up to each of them and says he'll grant them each one wish.

So the devil goes and asks the alcoholic what he would like to wish for and the alcoholic responds "I wish for all the liquor I can drink!" The devil grants his wish and moves on to the sex addict. The sex addict wi...

Why was the baker arrested?

Excessive salt in batter

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A woman named Patty Black finally gets her dream job at the bank

She is told to handle loans, but to get the manager is the loan was strange or asking for an excessive amount of money. After an entire day of nobody approaching her, somebody asks for her attention. It takes her a while to realize, but it is a frog in a suit sitting on the chair in front of her boo...

A koala walks into a barber shop

A koala walks into a barber shop and hops up into the chair. He points to the excess fur that has grown around his ears and asks the barber, "Can eucalyptus?"

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