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Excess Jokes

My doctor asked if I drink to excess.

I told him I'll drink to anything.

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I've read that excessive sex causes memory loss:

It was in the British Medical Journal in May last year, page 12, paragraph 3. A nice sunny day I was reading in the park ...

Two little boys, ages 6 and 8, are excessively mischievous.

They are always getting into trouble and their parents know if any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved.

The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys.

The preacher ...

Back in the day, excessive use of commas was considered a very serious crime.

It usually resulted in a long sentence.

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What's difference between excess and surplus? [NSFW]

Excess: The part of the boob which does't fit in your mouth


Surplus: The second boob

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Whats the difference between excess and surplus

Excess is a boob you cannot contain in one hand..


Surplus is the other one..

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My therapist said the best treatment for depression is to vigorously rub salt into my skin in order to draw out excess moisture.

Wow thanks I'm cured.

I feel really bad for the Mexican Olympian disqualified from weightlifting for excessive use of protein.

They told him, "No whey, José."

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Excess vs. Surplus

So this is a true story from my Air Force days and I would like to say it is a testament to how things have changed over decades, but this dates to circa 1983. I was a Lieutenant in a role in my squadron responsible for, among many things, materials that we had leftover from different projects we c...

Please becareful on the roads

Lots of people are drinking excessively and having their wives drive

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Prostate massages are like stickers with excessively strong glue.

It’s a pain in the ass to get off.

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Why the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft?

Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study to determine why the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft.
The study took two years and cost over 1.2 million pounds. The study concluded that the reason the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to provide the man with more...

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My friend told me excessive masturbation can lead to memory loss.

It’s the sixth time he’s told me.

What's the difference between the holocaust and the excess fat under a woman's upper arms?

You can make a joke about the holocaust.

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My wife is complaining about my excessive masturbation

So I moved to another part of the bus so she didn't have to watch

An overweight business associate of mine decided it was time to shed some excess pounds

He took his new diet seriously, even changing his driving route to avoid his favorite bakery.

One morning, however, he arrived at work carrying a gigantic coffeecake. We all scolded him, but his smile remained cherubic.

"This is a very special coffeecake," he explained. "I accidentally...

A cauliflower just swore excessively at me.

I think it might have florettes.

Europeans announced they were going to increase penalties for driving with excessive speed and being late for work.

Its part of their sanctions package to target people who are Russian.

As a new years resolution, my wife suggested I should remove excess fat...

So I filed for divorce!

A farmer friend of mine got jailed for excessive hay production

I had to bale him out

My local auctioneer passed away due to excessive diarrhoea.

I think he was going once... going twice...gone

What do you get when you combine an excess of waste and recycling?

r/jokes

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A father once told his son, "Excessive masturbation will lead to blindness."

The son replied, "Dad, I'm over here!"

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The Drunk and a priest

On a bus, a priest sat next to a drunk who was struggling to read a newspaper.

Suddenly, with a slurred voice, the drunk asked the priest:

"Do you know what arthritis is?"

The parish priest soon thought of taking the opportunity to lecture the drunk and replied:

"It's a ...

What vegetable is known for it's excessive partying?

Turnip

Having excessive mixed drinks isn't the answer...

... but they are solutions.

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A kid had a problem with excessive cursing...

A kid was constantly getting punished for excessive cursing.

The parents were trying everything to get him to stop. One punishment was that if he was at a friend's and he cursed, the friend's parents were told to send him home no questions asked.

He had been good for a bit so one day...

I used to have an excessive amount of hair on my upper torso

I’m sorry, I just had to get it off my chest

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Researchers have discovered that excessive masturbation can cause dyslexia.

However, tihs is olny in etxreem caess of slef aubse.

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Quarrantine Day 7: Research continues on the effect of excessive masturbation on eyesight.

Dont forget to press the "subscribe" button to see my next video!

Kid flys by a sitting cop car in excess of the speed limit.

Of course the cop chases him and stops him. With a big grin on his face the cop says I've been waiting for you all morning.
And the kid says, " well I got here as fast as I could."

The ministry of excessive resource usage called.

Seventy-three times.

TIL the Hindenburg fire wasn't caused by excess heat

After all, it's not the heat, it's the humanity.

The Pope goes to New York and gets picked up at the airport by a limousine.

When he sees the car, he motions to the driver and says: "Do you mind if I ask you a favor?"

"A favor for the Pope??" exclaims the driver, "of course - anything!"

"You know, I hardly ever get to drive, and I'd really like it if I got to drive now. Would you please let me?"
...

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A man gets pulled over by the police for excessive speeding...

The cop approaches the vehicle, cocky and arrogant, and says "I've been waiting for someone like you all day."
The man smiles and says, "Well I got here as fast as I could, officer!"

A friend of mine lost 200 pounds of excess fat and obsolete tissue in a matter of months.

Better still, he felt great about the divorce.

What do you call an excessively bullied child getting hate from everyone?

Youtube rewind.

I love public transport, even though I get excessively sweaty.

Also, I think I take my Train Simulation game too seriously.

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Quarrantine, Day 12: Excessive teen masturbation has caused zero hair growth on palms. Next update unknown...

...as I will be unable to use Father Calhoun's laptop while he is being treated for sudden onset blindness.

What do you call it when you have midlife crisis and excessively drink red wine?

UB40

The best thing for a hangover is to drink excessively the night before.

Not sure why you'd want one, though.

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When a guy drives an excessively loud motorcycle or muscle car we know what they’re compensating for...

...they must have a really quiet penis.

What do you call an unborn child that is excessively ready to accept failure?

A defetus

Why did the pilot ditch his ex-girlfriend?

Because she had way too much excess baggage.

Excessive consumption of heavy metal causes cancer and is ruining society

Especially lead. Lead in the water pipes is a big problem.

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a healthy diet

The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans....

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On the sixth day

**ON THE SIXTH DAY... **

**God Creating Spiders**

God: Make it have 8 legs

Angel: Seems excessive but OK

God: And 8 eyes

Angel: You need to calm down a li-

God: Give it a bum rope

**God Creating Kittens**

God: make them fluffy & adorable li...

A teenage girl brings home her boyfriend to meet her parents

Her parents are disgusted by the boyfriend's crazy haircut, excessive tattoos and piercings.

After dinner, the girl's mom tells her, "Honey, he doesn't seem to be a nice boy. Are you sure about this?"

"Oh please mom." the girl begged. "If he wasn't a nice person why would he be doing...

if you added the letters S and E to the X files

it would be the X-ES Files. haha excess files. way too many files lol

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A winner joke

What's excessive male masturbation called?

A-dick-tion

After a fire, the corpse of a man is found in a burned-out warehouse. The investigation found that he first set a fire, ate an excessive amount of salt, then used a contraption to bury himself in tons more.

The investigators concluded that his self-preservation instinct must have kicked in.

Favourite machine at the gym.

When l first joined the gym l wanted to lose the excess pounds l was carrying. After a month, l asked the guy next to me what he thought my favourite machine was at the gym. He looked me up and down and said, the vending machine.

There was a rowdy guest at the local science convention last week.

The chair of the convention decided to throw them out, saying: "You sir are contributing excessively to the entropy of this convention!"

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Cheeky humor

A man's face was badly burned in a kitchen fire. The doctors agreed that the only hope of restoring it was to do a skin graft.

Unfortunately, he was a very slim dude and there was not enough excess skin to do the procedure. So they took skin from his wife's buttocks.

The operation was...

There is a man drowning 100 feet from shore and is crying for help.......

A Democrat shows up and throws him 200 feet of rope. The excess rope weighs the victim down and he drowns.

A Republican shows up and throws out 50 feet of rope and demands that the victim take some responsibility for himself and swim to the rope. He can’t and drowns.

A libertarian show...

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Doctor: So your child was born without eyelids.

Mother: Well isn't there anything you can do?

Doctor: Yes, when we circumcise him we can take that excess skin and make him eye lids.

Mother: Will he be okay?

Doctor: Yeah, he will be fine, just be a little cock-eyed.

Judging by how expensive this year's iPhones are...

It's no wonder why they're called the iPhone Excess and iPhone Excess Max

I believe that marathons are bad. They are an excess; a perversion of healthy running. Running anything more than a few miles puts serious wear and tear on the joints without any benefit. Runners should be limited to no more than a 5k at the most, and marathons should be banned.

… and don't tell me that I'm just being racist.

Peter and Paul were about to graduate seminary together

Best friends Peter and Paul were about to graduate seminary together. While Peter was very smart, Paul had a difficult time with schoolwork, so Peter would let him copy his homework to make sure he could pass his classes.



As the time approached for their interview with the bishop, Pau...

A very rich man is having a very big party on the hottest day of the year

The party features a full big band performance and an open bar. In order to fight the extreme heat, the party is littered with large fans running full blast, inadvertantly causing the musicians to tie the sheet music down to their music stands to prevent them from blowing away. Meanwhile, the bass s...

Did you hear that Apple is coming out with YET ANOTHER new iPhone model?

Critics are calling it the iPhone Xs.

(Edit: I hate to put this here but: pronounced like “Excess”)

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A Russian stumbles on something hard and sharp on his way home from work one night.

He bends over to pick up the object and proceeds to brush the snow off of it only to discover a genie rushing out of this lamp.
“Hello master, I can grant you one wish.”
After half a second of thought the Russian says “I want to piss Vodka for the rest of my days.”
“Granted” says the genie...

Reasons to Avoid Water

* Can be extracte from rocket fuel
* Is the main ingredient in pestisides
* 100% of violent criminals have consumed water in the hours leading up to their crimes
* Is the #1 cause of drowning
* Excess consumption will cause sweating, urination and possibly death
* 100% of people expos...

A married man left work early on Friday and went out for a few drinks with the boys. Instead of going home, however, he ended up partying with them all weekend and spent his entire pay check.

When he finally returned home on Sunday, his wife was furious and berated him excessively.
After a couple of hours of nagging and scolding, she asked him "**How would you like it if you didn't see me for a couple of days**?!?"


"That would suit me just fine!!" the man said.
...

Sometimes I feel like America's infrastructure

Excessively damaged due to bad choices made decades ago and a lack of routine maintenance.

What is it called when too many people pass gas inside of a mine?

An excess stench hole crisis.

What did the conductor do when half of the cello section called in sick a week before a major concert?

He was forced to resort to excessive violins.

If you add S to EX files...

You get EX-S files. Get it? Excess files haha

I don’t get it. What’s the problem with climate change, ice bergs melting and the sea level rising?

I mean the excess water just flows down the edge of the Earth.

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A man dies and goes to hell

The man is greeted by a demon when he arrives. He asks “where’s all the fire and brimstone and Torture devices?”

“Oh no no no, that’s all just mythology! We don’t do any of that down here in Hell! Let me walk you through the schedule. Do you like to eat?”

“Yeah! I love a good meal!” S...

Why do Mormon women stop having children at 30?

Because 31 or more is where daycare fees admittedly start becoming excessive.

Someone stole my newspaper this morning, so I quickly sneaked next door and took my neighbours.

Now that I've calmed down, I think kidnap may have been excessive.

A koala walks into a barber shop

A koala walks into a barber shop and hops up into the chair. He points to the excess fur that has grown around his ears and asks the barber, "Can eucalyptus?"

Why’d the Jedi get charged with police brutality shortly after joining the police academy?

He used excessive force

I don't know about the key to SUCCESS.

But the key to EXCESS can be found in my fridge.

A guy was asked this question.

Host: YOU & YOUR FAMILY ARE CARRYING 50 KG OF GOLD FROM DUBAI IN A BOAT. IMBALANCED DUE TO EXCESS WEIGHT YOU HAVE TO GET RID OF THE WEIGHT TO BALANCE IT

AFTER 50 MILES, THE BOAT SUDDENLY GETS

THERE ARE 4 PEOPLE..

YOUR BEST FRIEND, YOUR MOTHER, YOUR FUTURE LIFE PARTNER & ...

Man Runs From Cop

A police officer attempts to stop a car for speeding but the guy runs, eventually reaching in excess of 100 mph. The man eventually realizes he can't escape and finally pulls over. The cop approaches the car and says, "It's been a long day and my shift is almost over, so if you can give me a good ex...

WARNING: Men should avoid drinking beer

Beer contains phytoestrogens that increase the female hormone estrogen in men, lowering their testosterone levels.

In fact it has been proven that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.

In a study 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour period. It was then observed th...

Outnumbered 6 to 5, John brought grenades to a water balloon fight.

Isn't that a little... excessive?"

"No, I'm just trying to level the playing field.

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God Creating Spiders

God: Let it be, that from here onwards spiders shall have eight legs.

Archangel Gabriel: As you command, lord.

God: Also they shall have eight eyes instead of the normal two.

Archangel Gabriel: That seems slightly excessive doesn’t it? But as you wish lord.

God: And gi...

I was thinking about buying the new iPhone

But with so few new features, I thought the price was a bit excessive.

A British man visits a small American family farm... [Long]

And he's impressed at just how much food the farmer is able to grow on his small plot. "This is most impressive!" he says. "It seems like more than one family could eat, old boy! How do you deal with the excess?"

The farmer, a man of few words, replies: "We eat what we can, and what we can't,...

why was darth vader arrested?

excessive use of force.

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Mary has a problem so heads to the doctor

"Doctor, I have an embarrassing problem with my vagina. The lips are huge and stick out and it makes me really self conscious. I don't even like my husband seeing me like this so we never have sex" she tells him.

"Ok" says the doctor "Lets have a look and see whats what."

Mary gets un...

Eggs have recently been added to the endangered species list

Due to excessive poaching.

Hippocrates and the Prophet

Tiresias, blind prophet of Apollo, once went to Hippocrates with a serious case of depression. In no time, Hippocrates had figured it out -- "Aha!" said he; "an imbalance of black bile!" He bled the excess melancholia into an urn and handed it to the prophet. Tiresias did not see the humour.

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A United States Marine walks into a restroom at the Pentagon to take a leak...

There, at the row of urinals, a Soldier and a Sailor are also relieving themselves. The Marine pulls up to a vacant urinal next to them and gets ready to do his business.

Just then the Soldier finishes up, zips up, and goes over to the sink. He turns on the water and lets it get nice and wa...

I'm glad my parents told me I was adopted...

But everyday feels excessive.

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Sherlock Holmes is looking for evidence at a crime scene with another officer.

Sherlock: I heard the suspect fed the victim an excessive amount of laxatives. Tell me if you find any feces in the area.

*30 minutes later, the office comes back empty handed *

Sherlock: So you didn’t find any?

Officer: No shit, Sherlock.

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The man with a single testicle (NSFW)

A man with a single testicle gets on a plane. He is very unlucky man with a single testicle.


The plane he is on has an engine malfunction mid flight and starts falling due to excessive weight. One has to jump from the plane to save the others.


"Lets choose someone randomly" say...

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Corkscrew dick

Ed and Ted are standing at the urinals in a public lavatory when Ed glances over and notices that Ted's dick is twisted like a corkscrew.

"Jesus," Ed says. "I've never seen one like that before."

"Like what?" Ted asks.

"All twisted like a pig's tail," Ed says.

"Why? What'...

Why was the baker arrested?

Excessive salt in batter

There was a captain that took his ship on a long voyage...

...but the sailors got a bit randy during this voyage.

So the captain provided a barrel with a hole and instructed the sailors to relieve themselves into the barrel. If they filled it up, there would be a bonus, he promised.

The sailors filled up the barrel, and ther was peace on the ...

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An American man, a Chinese man, and a Mexican man are all flying on a plane....

When the captain comes out of the cockpit and yells that they've lost an engine and need to lose any excess weight immediately. The Chinese man throws a bag of rice out of the plane and says "in my country we have too much rice." The Mexican man follows the Chinese man and throws out a bag of beans ...

Goodwill ?

It is said that when He made the world, God overturned the bag of miracles in the place where America is now.
Astonished and a little shocked by the excessive goodwill of his Creator, an angel asked God:
"What are you doing, Your Holiness? Didn't you give them too much?"
God answered him...

A Chemist, an Engineer, an Electrician and an IT guy get stranded on the side of the road after their car break down...

It’s the dead of winter and the wind chill is below freezing. One of them gets off the phone with the towing company, “they said it’s going to be at least two hours.” They all stay in the car.


After a few minutes the Chemist tells the other three, “I’m pretty sure I know what happened......

A cop pulled me over while I was riding your mother last night.

I'm glad I had my Class C for excessive gross weight.

A man died and went to heaven

As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked,



"What are all those clocks?"



St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."...

She’s from Minsk

A small, tight knit, Russian village buys their milk from the neighboring town. Eventually they realize they should pool their resources and buy a cow for the town.

They all gather their money, some put more, some less, whatever they can afford. Now they have 800 roubles, but to buy a cow fr...

I thought of an idea for a new reality TV show...

It's about a group of Middle Easter Islamic terrorists that are entering their 40s. They stop buying an excessive amount of guns and explosives and instead start purchasing luxery cars and motorcycles. I call the show Midlife ISIS.

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