UPJOKE
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The Committee for the Reduction of Redundancy and the Anti-proliferation of Repetition has decided not to meet until they have their first meeting and thus will not be meeting until the first time.

Their Pre-meeting Statement wanted to make this clear before they had their first meeting, so that it would not be nor confusing. So their first meeting will actually be their first meeting and they will not have a meeting before the first meeting. This should avoid having people show up for their f...

In terms of weight reduction, doing meth is way more effective than doing math

That's been methamatically proven

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After seeing my new tattoo, my angered wife retaliated by getting a breast reduction...

tit for tat.

I asked the librarian if they had any books on Noise Reduction Levels

She said "Sure, what volume ?"

A lady decided to treat herself to a nice night at a fancy hotel

She comes into a beautiful and lavish room, and spends a relaxing evening in there. The next morning, she goes to the lobby to pay.

“700 dollars?! That’s ridiculous, no way this place is worth that much!” she exclaimed.

The desk clerk, in a tired voice, explained. “This is a top of the...

My girlfriend underwent a breast reduction surgery

I think she is trying to flatten the curves.

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A man goes to see a doctor about his stuttering problem.

The doctor enters the exam room and says "Good afternoon! What seems to be the problem?"

"Ww... wwh... well," says the man, "I ha... have have thissss... t.. t... terrible stutter alm...most mh... mh... mh... my wh... who.... whole l.. life. P..P..People make... fu...fu..fun of me. I ca.. ca....

I thought about getting a breast reduction but decided against it

it’s a decision that’s just too close to my heart

Breast reduction surgery clinic motto:

When life gives you melons, make life take the melons back!

What is it called when an epidemiologist gets a breast reduction

Flattening the curve

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A woman was at the doctors enquiring whether it was possible so to get a vaginal reduction

After multiple tests and doctors visits she found that she was eligible for the procedure.

After she woke up form the anaesthetic she found three beatuiful bouquets for flowers by her bed side.

One from her surgeon, saying that everything had gone smoothly and her recovery should only...

A retired man purchased a home near a high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace, then the new school year began...

...One afternoon early into the first semester, three loud young boys came down his street, beating merrily on every bin they came across. They then did so the following day and the day after that, until finally the retiree decided it was time to take some action.

The next afternoon, he walke...

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Did you hear about Brad Pitt's buttocks reduction surgery?

Now he's a bottomless pitt.

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The reduction

A guy with a terrible stutter goes to the doctor. The doctor examines him, and says, "I\`m afraid the problem is your large penis. It requires such an enormous blood supply, not enough blood is reaching the speech center in your brain."

"W-w-well, what c-c-can I d-d-do?" asks the guy.

...

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A man goes to the doctor

“DOCTOR I NEED HELP!“ he says.

The doctor asked curiously “why are you shouting?“

“I DON’T KNOW, I’VE ALWAYS BEEN LIKE THIS, CAN YOU FIND THE REASON?“ the man shouts back.

So the doctor examines the man, and after a while concludes that somehow, the man’s large penis is causing ...

Tax.

Suppose that every day, ten men go out for beer and the bill for all ten comes to £100...
If they paid their bill the way we pay our taxes, it would go something like this...

The first four men (the poorest) would pay nothing.
The fifth would pay £1.
The sixth would pay £3.
The se...

My doctor advised me for stress reduction to listen to opera music

He gave me a CD. I've been listening all night but I'm not sure if its actually having an effect. It says on the cover the guys name is Placebo Domingo.

Why is height reduction surgery almost always a bad deal?

Because you're guaranteed to get short-changed!

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My favourite long joke

Pete and Dave are on the first tee. Pete slices an enormous shot into the middle of a dense wood. ‘Oh no he says (insert appropriate profanity), I’ll never find that; that makes a whole box of golf balls I’ve lost this month. ‘

Dave says ‘you should try one of these,’ producing a ball from hi...

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Bra Sazes

Have u ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for? Well its time you became informed!


(A) Almost boobs.
(B) Barely there.
(C) Can't Complain!
(D) Dang!
(DD) Doubl...

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Mr. Johnson goes to the doctor (nsfw)

He has had a stutter since he was 12.

"D-d-d-doctor help me."

He gets an exam and the doctor tells him his penis is so large, the weight pulls on his vocal chords. After a brief discussion they decide a reduction is in order.

Mr Johnson says "th-th-th-thank you doctor."

...

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A guy walks into a doctors office

and sits down on the table. The doctor asks him “what’s going on?” The guy says “d-d-doctor, I d-d-don’t know w-w-whats g-g-going on. I c-c-can’t st-st-stop st-st-stuttering!” So the doctor calms him down and says “we’ll need to do a throughout physical examination to see what’s the root cause of th...

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There's a man with a 15 inch penis...

This is a problem so he goes to the doctor to see what he can do about size reduction. The doctor says "sir, I can't do anything about it here. But I do know of a magic frog. Go into the woods, find the frog and ask it to marry you. Every time it says no, your penis will decrease by 3 inches."
<...

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How to break bad news like a boss

At dawn the telephone rings, "Hello, Senor Kent? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house."

"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"

"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Kent, that your parrot, he is dead".

"My parrot? Dead? The one that w...

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What religion is your bra?

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife."

"What type of bra?" asked the clerk.

"Type?" inquires the man, "There's more than one type?"

"Look around," said the saleslady, ...

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A man goes to the doctor because of his high voice

After a physical examination he asks the doctor if something can be done about his high voice.

The doctor responds and says: ‘because of the size and weight of your penis the diaphragm is pulled down quite a bit, this causes the voice to be higher than normal. I think a penis reduction is you...

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A college advertising lecture is taking place. The speaker is presenting his anti-drug PSA.

He says:

- I am the author of a simple, yet effective campaign against drug use.

He shows the poster he designed. It shows two circles, one big and the other small. The big one is titled "This Is Your Brain", the small one is titled "This Is Your Brain on Drugs". The speaker says:
<...

An old forest ranger is retiring.

At his retirement party he tells his successor, "Jerry, whatever you do, don't fire Hugh Williams".
Well Jerry doesn't really like being told what to do, especially by some guy on his way out the door, but he assures the old ranger he won't fire him.
A few years pass without incident, but as ...

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I underwent surgery and now I've got a ten inch cock.

I think I'm going to need another reduction.

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A man goes to the doctor

A man goes to his doctor and says "*Doc, I've always had this really high pitched voice, I don't know why, but I think it's the reason I'm not taken seriously at work, can you help me*"
The doctor tells him he can help if he can determine the cause, and he'll have to give him a physical. ...

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Man couldnt stop shouting.

Every good morning, every conversation, every single word. The man just could not stop shouting.

So one day, he and his wife decide to see a doctor about it. "IDUNNO, DOC. I JUST CAN'T SEEM TO LOWER MY VOICE NO MATTER WHAT I DO. IS THERE ANYTHING YOU CAN DO FOR ME?".

The doctor says, "...

Any good chemistry jokes?

A ketone and a primary amine walk into a bar and yell "Let's get Schiff based!"

Why couldn't the hemiacetal maintain a healthy relationship with his family?
He wasn't very stable and was never seen without alcohol.

An organic chemist wanted to reduce a ketone, but not the ...

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A 50 year-old woman decides to spend a lot of money on her birthday...

...on cosmetics, wrinkle reduction treatments, a new hairdo, new clothes, etc. When she decides she's done the most she could, she feels really good about herself and decides to go for a walk.

First, she enters a shop to buy a magazine. While she's paying, she asks the cashier:

'How ol...

As I looked at the liposuction tube I realized it could be used to strangle someone...

...making it a weapon of mass reduction.

Gujarati needs plastic surgery

One gujarati 'fell down the stairs' and broke his face. Doctors said he needed to get plastic surgery. So he goes to plastic surgeon.

"How much?" he asks the doctor.

The doctor takes one look at his face and says "2 million"

"Oh no, that is too high. I have mouths to feed, si...

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