This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I asked my Welsh friend how many sexual partners he'd had.

He started counting but he fell asleep.

I left my ex-girlfriend because of her obsession with counting...

I wonder what she's up to now?

A retired boxer goes to see his doctor because he’s having trouble sleeping. “Have you tried counting sheep?” the doctor asks.

​

“I tried,” the boxer explains, “but every time I get to the number nine I stand up.”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Me: Counting on my fingers

Bouncer: I just asked you for your age.

Me: Can you shut the fuck up for a second.

Did you hear about the Mexican guy who disappeared while counting?

They say he vanished without a tres.

New study shows that 4*20+10+7 percent of French people are unhappy with the French counting system.

​

I entered a counting contest...

And won too.

I had a really intense counting contest the other day.

We just kept one upping each other.

What do you call Blackbeard’s average for counting circles?

His Pi-rate.

When under pressure, just start counting in spanish

It undo stres

When counting down, I can't stand negative numbers

I stop at nothing to avoid them.

Two little boys stole a big bag of oranges from a neighbor...

They decided to go to a quiet place to share the lot equally.

One of them suggested the nearby cemetery.

As they were jumping over the gate to enter the cemetery, two oranges fell out of the big bag but they didn't bother to pick them up.

A few minutes later, a drunkard on his w...

[nsfw] I just bumped into your mum and she was counting some money...

... I asked her what the money was for. She said she had just finished whoring for the night and made $80.05. I asked "5 cents!? Who pays 5c!?" and she said "all of them".

How do you induce a current in a wire by counting to 10?

By mathematical induction.

I've gotten really good at counting cards

There's usually 52.

The best way to fall asleep is not by counting sheep....

It is to place a nice juicy steak beside your bed, call over a Vegan to let the whacko start talking about why meat is bad and why you should become a Vegan too

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Counting CONDOMS

A boy goes to the drug store with his dad and sees the condom display.

Boy: "Dad, why do they do packs of one condom?"

Dad: "Those are for the high-schoolers for Friday nights."

Boy: "So, why do they make packs of three?"

Dad: "For the college guys for Friday, Saturday an...

My friend started counting geodes three months ago, and now he's living under a highway overpass.

It's crazy how quickly crystal math can ruin your life.

counting sheep

So sick of hearing blonde jokes, a blonde cut her long hair and dyed it brown.

The next day she drove out into the countryside where she came upon a flock of sheep crossing the road. Stopping her car to watch the fluffy flock, she called out to the shepherd, "Your sheep are so cute. If I gues...

Counting sheep

Bill: Gosh, you look really tired today.

Phill :I am. I didn't sleep at all last night.

Bill: I'm sorry. Too much caffeine?

Phill I don't know what it was. I just kept tossing and turning.

Bill : Did you try counting sheep? 

Phill: I did. But you know how it is. By...

The last time I saw my friend Peter he was counting. "75, 76, 77..." he said, as he began to walk away.

I don't know what he's up to now.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Recently I've been counting the amount of times I've slept with Prostitutes.

Tally-Ho!

I had a job counting chickens, but I quit.

It only paid a poultry sum.

2 Millennials get into a counting contest

The announcer says "okay Millennials, start counting from 1 to 2000!"

They both scoff and easily count that high within minutes. One says "I'm a Millennial, I could count to 2000 in my sleep!

The announcer, obviously worried that there will not be a winner, thinks up a plan.

He ...

How hard is counting in binary?

Easy as 01 10 11

Scientists removed the right half of a man's brain...

...and then, they asked him to count to ten. The man counted, "two, four, six, eight, ten."

Then they put the right half back and removed the left half, and again asked the man to count to ten. The man counted, "one, three, five, seven, nine."

The scientists then removed both halves of...

A farmer was counting his cows....

A farmer was counting his cows and initially only counted 196, but when he rounded them up he had 200.

I have ADHD and have troubles getting to sleep. Doctor recommended counting sheep...

1 sheep. 2 sheep. 3 sheep. Cow. Duck. Horse. *Old MacDonald had a farm* and bingo was his name-o!

My friend held a bottle of water above his head, started counting and breathing heavily

I asked him what he was doing and he said "practising breathing underwater"

Counting with Fingers

TEACHER: Brian, what's one plus one?

(The kid holds up his fingers and counts two.)

BRIAN: Two

TEACHER: Good job, what's three plus three?

(The kid holds up his fingers and counts six.)

BRIAN: Six

TEACHER: Good job, now put your hands in your pocket and tell...

When I was a little kid, I had this friend that was always counting.

I wonder what he's up to these days.

Why is it so hard to keep track of counting in Afghanistan?

Because of the Taliban
(say it out loud)

I heard Venezuelan currency has inflated so much they are weighing it instead of counting it.

Looks like they finally transitioned from bolivars to pounds.

What's more impressive than a counting pig?

A spelling bee.

One day, you wake up and everyone has a number over their heads. The number is counting down by the second. Eventually, someone's number reaches zero, and....

They sneeze. Their number resets.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

This is my favorite joke to tell. A man's car breaks down outside of a monastery.

So a man is driving home from a buisness trip. He has a pretty low paying job, so obviously he doesn't have the best of cars.

After a few hours of driving, he drives past a monastery. That kind with all the monks.

And holy tits, his car breaks down right in front of the monastery.
<...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

People say that counting sheep jumping over a fence makes you to to sleep. However, Donkeys are much more effective...

You're completely out as soon as your ass leaps.

My wife was counting all our pennies out on the kitchen table...

My wife was counting all our pennies out on the kitchen table, when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason.

I thought to myself, “She’s going through change.”

The thing with people who are bad at counting calories..

..is that they have the figures to prove it

Boy: My love for you is like counting the stars..

Girl: Oww, Infinite?
Boy: Nope, Pointless ..

I noticed a bank teller having trouble counting coins

so i bumped into his desk and knocked some cents into him.

Can't remember this joke 100% about a farmer counting his cows.

It has something to do with counting the heads of all his cattle and then I think it ends in a really dry punch line. Any help?

EDIT* got it thanks to /u/noncharacteristic

"A farmer in the field with his cows counted 196 of them, but when he rounded them up he had 200."

Newton, Pascal and Tesla were playing hide and go seek.

For the first round, Tesla was the seeker. He began counting to 100 and Pascal scurried off to find somewhere to hide.
However, Newton simply drew a square on the ground and stepped into it.

When Tesla finished counting he opened his eyes to see Newton standing in front of him, not even at...

I had a welsh friend who tried counting all his lovers to me

but each time, I kept falling asleep

The strange man counting on the bridge

A man was walking on a bridge over the water, when he came across a strange man that was counting out loud, however he kept repeating the same number over and over again. "21, 21, 21, 21" he would say constantly and in the same monotone voice.

Interested The man walked up to the one counting...

A teacher and her student practice counting

Teacher: OK now, 61,62,63,64,65,66,67,68,69...what comes after 69?
Student: Mouthwash
That student was sent home

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy walks into a bar, followed by an ostrich, followed by a cat.

All three sit down at the bar. The bartender looks at the man and says, “What’ll ya have?” The man says, “Gimme a beer.” The ostrich says, “I’ll have one too.” The cat says, “I want two beers, but I’m only gonna pay half price.” The bartender serves up four beers, and tells the man, “that’ll be $12....

Two orphan children are on the run after stealing a big basket of tangerines from the store

They run into the cemetery to hide, but drop two at the gate
Child 1: It's fine! We have plenty more in the basket. Hurry! We must hide!


They find a bush to take cover and begin counting out the tangerines...
"One for me, one for you, one for me, one for you"


They...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I met a girl who was a grammar nazi

We liked the same music. The same movies. The conversation was so effortless. After only two dates, I knew she was the one. We had a third date lined up, and I knew we were going to have sex, but then she went to jail.

I wrote to her constantly, counting the days until she'd be free and we c...

A blond is hiking through the woods when she hears someone counting up ahead.

She emerges from the tree line to find a brunette doing jumping jacks on a set of train tracks repeating, "10, 10, 10..." upon every jump.

The blonde says to the brunette, "Excuse me for wondering, but what exactly are you doing?"

The brunette replies, "It's a great game I just learned...

An American, Mexican, and Italian robbed a bank...

They escaped with a haul of dollars, pesos, and lira. Back at their hide-out, the American distributed the money in three even shares.

“1000 dollars for me, 1000 pesos for you, 1000 lira for you... 1000 dollars for me, 1000 pesos for you, 1000 lira for you...1000 dollars for me, 1000 pesos fo...

The other day when I was in my room playing games and watching livestreams, I remembered that it was my mom's birthday and I had totally forgotten to buy a gift for her.

I needed to find something fast and thought that maybe a sweet video would make her happy. Instead of recording myself for the video, I donated 5$ to the streamer and asked if she could count to 50. A moment later she gets the donation and starts counting slowly. I record the section and export the ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An Indian tribe captured three men and told them all to find 10 fruits of the same kind and if they don’t they’ll kill them.

An Indian tribe captured three men and told them all to find 10 fruits of the same kind and if they don’t they’ll kill them. Tom comes back with 10 apples, and the tribe members told him to put all of them in his ass without making a sound or they’ll kill him, after the second apple he screamed and ...

After Adam stayed out late a few nights, Eve became suspicious.

“You’re running around with another woman—admit it!” she demanded.

“What other woman?” Adam shot back. “You’re the only one here.”

That night, Adam was fast asleep when he was awoken by Eve poking him in the chest.

“What are you doing?”

“Counting your ribs.”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Hitler, Stalin and Osama Bin Ladin are having an Argument

"Who amongst us is the most hated?" Hitler asked

Stalin said "It is I, the Soviet Union killed more people than even you, Hitler!"

Osama Bin Ladin says, "Nonsense, I have killed hundreds of thousands of people and have brought grief millions of families"

Hitler said "Why don't w...

Kentuckians

After their 11th child, a Kentucky couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So, the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that ...

A drunkard walking down the street

The poor fellow hits his head on every street light there is to hit on the sidewalk. A policeman doing his beat sees the man hitting another post exceptionally hard and fall to the ground. He walks to the man, helps him to his feet and asks:

- Sir, are you okay? Do you need any assistance?...

A new twist on an old joke.

Scientists recently did a study on the effects the right side and left side of a brain had on counting. They first took out the left half of a man's brain and asked him to count to 10.

He says, "2, 4, 6, 8, 10".

They put the left half back in and removed the right half, asking him to c...

Adam and Eve

Eve: "Adam are you seeing someone else?"

Adam: "No, you're the only woman on earth!"

Adam: "Now what are you doing?"

Eve: "Counting your ribs."

Did you hear the one about the guy who kissed his 3rd cousin?

He stopped counting

A Scientific Joke !!

Einstein, Newton, and Pascal are hanging out one afternoon.

Einstein is bored, so he suggests, "Let's play hide-and-seek. I'll be it!"

The others agree, so Einstein begins counting. "One... Two... Three..."

Pascal runs off right away to find a place to hide.

Newton draws ...

Einstein, Pascal, and Newton are playing hide-and-go-seek.

lt’s Einstein’s turn to count, so he covers his eyes and starts counting to ten. Pascal runs off and hides. Newton draws a one meter by one meter square on the ground in front of Einstein, then stands in the middle of it. Einstein reaches ten and uncovers his eyes. He sees Newton immediately and exc...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My Favorite Joke which I’ll tell and then explain why I love it.

A sheep herder has.a new girlfriend. They’re lying in bed after a night of intimacy and engaged in pillow talk.

The gal says, “So before me, how experienced were you?”

The sheep herder starts counting and falls asleep.

————————————————————————————

Three Reasons I love thi...

I was in Sainsburys earlier today

And a dear old lady at the front of the checkout queue had just had her trolley full of Xmas shopping scanned. The bill came to £61.17. She emptied all her notes & coins onto the counter & with the help of the checkout girl began counting it all up. It came to £59.85. She then started sobbin...

A husband and wife are in bed...

She turns to him and says 'how many lovers have you ever had?' He refuses to answer saying 'you'll only get upset' she doesn't give up though so... 'fine!' and he starts counting... '1,2,3,4,5, you,6,7......

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Long, but worth the read. Wrote it myself.

In the darkest corner of my basement I sat alone. Eyes puffy from hours of crying and yet tears still streamed down my face. A lone snot bubble formed as I wiped my nose on my sleeve. I refused to use my hands. I looked down and in the pale moonlight streaming through the window I could tell the...