A meathead is counting loudly in the gym as he does bench press...

“1! 3! 5! 7! 9!”

Another meathead:
“Do you even lift bro”

Meathead: “Nah I only odd lift bro”

The jailer started counting the number of inmates one morning

because he wanted a con-census.

A retired boxer goes to see his doctor because he’s having trouble sleeping. “Have you tried counting sheep?” the doctor asks.

“I tried,” the boxer explains, “but every time I get to the number nine I stand up.”

I was counting the money in my wallet and I remembered my microbiologist friend saying that money is the dirtiest thing you can touch all day. Turns out I have $144 in cash,

But I guess that’s just gross....

Guy #1 I've never been good at counting cows.

Guy #2: Let me count .... hmmm .... 1341.

Guy #1: Wow! That is impressive. How did you do that?

Guy #2: Easy. I just count the legs and divide by 4.

I was lying in bed last night, counting sheep, when I thought to myself:

'I could have sworn I shut the barn door...'

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After having their 11th child, a redneck couple decided that was enough,...

...as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. A less costly al...

I am 25 years and counting sober from using heroine!

I am 25

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are arrested and sentenced to death by firing squad, one by one.

While they wait to be executed they come up with a plan. Right before they are to be shot, each one will yell that some natural disaster or emergency is happening to distract the soldiers and they would be able to escape.

The brunette is first. As she hears the captain counting down to 0 she...

A teacher asks her student what's 2+2

He counts with his fingers and says "4"

The teacher asks the boy not to count with his fingers and do the mathematics in his head

She again asks the boy "what's 3+3?"

The boy again counts with his fingers and says "6"

The teacher angrily scolds the boy and tells him that ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

To get my girlfriend in the mood, I start counting in a really sexy and seductive voice

I call it four play

So i banged my 3rd cousin yesterday...

My buddy told me to stop counting them

I finished with my ex girlfriend due to her obsession with counting.

I wonder what she's up to now.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I asked my welsh friend how many sexual partners he’s had.

He started counting but he fell asleep.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Tom was asked to write an essay about family

Tom wasn’t a very bright boy. So when he got home he went to ask his mother for help. His mother sees a stray cat outside attacking her plants to which she whispers “You son of a bitch it’s on” looks at Tom and replies “I’m busy, bother someone else.” Tom writes that down.


Tom then went t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hitler, Stalin, and COVID were having a debate

"Who amongst us is the most hated?" Hitler asked

Stalin said "It is I, the Soviet Union killed more people than even you, Hitler!"

COVID says "NONSENSE! I've kept everyone in quarantine for 6 months, ruined global economy, and killed hundreds of thousands of people. I am the most hate...

Archimedes, Newton and Pascal are playing hide and seek.

It's Arcimedes' turn to seek and so he starts counting down.

Pascal quickly runs off to some bushes nearby.

Newton starts walking, stops thinks for a while and them draws a large rectangle around himself in the dirt.

The time is up and Archimedes turns around: "Found you, Newton...

Counting binary numbers

is as easy as 01 10 11

An original light bulb story

A student, let's call him Kevin, was having an oral exam in philosophy with his professor. Naturally, Kevin didn't study and couldn't answer any of the questions, even the easiest ones. The professor felt pity for him and gave him one last chance:

"Ok Kevin, if you can answer this question y...

Counting prime numbers is like dating...

If they are under 13, do em in your head

I’m trying to set the world record for counting from 0 to 1 in the fastest time. I will never give up, even if I can’t ever see and end in sight.

Currently on 0.876278134

What's the difference between Counting and Accounting?

**Counting:** *One, Two, Three, Four, Five...*


**Accounting:** *Ah-One, Ah-Two, Ah-Three, Ah-Four, Ah-Five...*

A man points a gun at a brunette.

He's going to count to 3 and shoot her unless she gives him her purse. He starts counting, "1...2...3". Then she suddenly yells, "Cops!!!". The man looks the other way and she runs away. The man then points the gun at a redhead and says the same thing. He starts counting, "1...2...3". Then she sudde...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

At first, Caesar thought it was a bad idea to masturbate while counting his people.

But before long, he came to his census.

The other night I asked my buddy how many lovers he's had. He started counting and shortly after he just fell asleep.

I still don't know how many but it's more than 15 sheep.

The number 1 walks into a bar where counting is banned...

The bartender says "I'll serve you, but you better not start anything."

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