This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I asked my Welsh friend how many sexual partners he'd had.

He started counting but he fell asleep.

I left my ex-girlfriend because of her obsession with counting...

I wonder what she's up to now?

Did you hear about the Mexican guy who disappeared while counting?

They say he vanished without a tres.

When counting down, I can't stand negative numbers

I stop at nothing to avoid them.

New study shows that 4*20+10+7 percent of French people are unhappy with the French counting system.

​

I entered a counting contest...

And won too.

I had a really intense counting contest the other day.

We just kept one upping each other.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Counting CONDOMS

A boy goes to the drug store with his dad and sees the condom display.

Boy: "Dad, why do they do packs of one condom?"

Dad: "Those are for the high-schoolers for Friday nights."

Boy: "So, why do they make packs of three?"

Dad: "For the college guys for Friday, Saturday an...

When under pressure, just start counting in spanish

It undo stres

My son came up with this joke today. What do you call it when you're counting stock at a Ducati dealership?

Vin-vin-tory

How do you induce a current in a wire by counting to 10?

By mathematical induction.

Two little boys stole a big bag of oranges from a neighbor...

They decided to go to a quiet place to share the lot equally.

One of them suggested the nearby cemetery.

As they were jumping over the gate to enter the cemetery, two oranges fell out of the big bag but they didn't bother to pick them up.

A few minutes later, a drunkard on his w...

I've gotten really good at counting cards

There's usually 52.

My friend started counting geodes three months ago, and now he's living under a highway overpass.

It's crazy how quickly crystal math can ruin your life.

The best way to fall asleep is not by counting sheep....

It is to place a nice juicy steak beside your bed, call over a Vegan to let the whacko start talking about why meat is bad and why you should become a Vegan too

counting sheep

So sick of hearing blonde jokes, a blonde cut her long hair and dyed it brown.

The next day she drove out into the countryside where she came upon a flock of sheep crossing the road. Stopping her car to watch the fluffy flock, she called out to the shepherd, "Your sheep are so cute. If I gues...

[nsfw] I just bumped into your mum and she was counting some money...

... I asked her what the money was for. She said she had just finished whoring for the night and made $80.05. I asked "5 cents!? Who pays 5c!?" and she said "all of them".

Counting sheep

Bill: Gosh, you look really tired today.

Phill :I am. I didn't sleep at all last night.

Bill: I'm sorry. Too much caffeine?

Phill I don't know what it was. I just kept tossing and turning.

Bill : Did you try counting sheep? 

Phill: I did. But you know how it is. By...

Recently I've been counting the amount of times I've slept with Prostitutes.

Tally-Ho!

I had a job counting chickens, but I quit.

It only paid a poultry sum.

The last time I saw my friend Peter he was counting. "75, 76, 77..." he said, as he began to walk away.

I don't know what he's up to now.

How hard is counting in binary?

Easy as 01 10 11

Counting with Fingers

TEACHER: Brian, what's one plus one?

(The kid holds up his fingers and counts two.)

BRIAN: Two

TEACHER: Good job, what's three plus three?

(The kid holds up his fingers and counts six.)

BRIAN: Six

TEACHER: Good job, now put your hands in your pocket and tell...

2 Millennials get into a counting contest

The announcer says "okay Millennials, start counting from 1 to 2000!"

They both scoff and easily count that high within minutes. One says "I'm a Millennial, I could count to 2000 in my sleep!

The announcer, obviously worried that there will not be a winner, thinks up a plan.

He ...

A farmer was counting his cows....

A farmer was counting his cows and initially only counted 196, but when he rounded them up he had 200.

I have ADHD and have troubles getting to sleep. Doctor recommended counting sheep...

1 sheep. 2 sheep. 3 sheep. Cow. Duck. Horse. *Old MacDonald had a farm* and bingo was his name-o!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I caught my wife counting through my supply of Viagra. Embarrassed, she hugged me and said "I thought you were cheating on me, I guess I was wrong. I'm so sorry!"

I guess I'm lucky I don't *need* Viagra with my mistress...

When I was a little kid, I had this friend that was always counting.

I wonder what he's up to these days.

Why is it so hard to keep track of counting in Afghanistan?

Because of the Taliban
(say it out loud)

My friend held a bottle of water above his head, started counting and breathing heavily

I asked him what he was doing and he said "practising breathing underwater"

What's more impressive than a counting pig?

A spelling bee.

I heard Venezuelan currency has inflated so much they are weighing it instead of counting it.

Looks like they finally transitioned from bolivars to pounds.

One day, you wake up and everyone has a number over their heads. The number is counting down by the second. Eventually, someone's number reaches zero, and....

They sneeze. Their number resets.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

People say that counting sheep jumping over a fence makes you to to sleep. However, Donkeys are much more effective...

You're completely out as soon as your ass leaps.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy walks into a bar, followed by an ostrich, followed by a cat.

All three sit down at the bar. The bartender looks at the man and says, “What’ll ya have?” The man says, “Gimme a beer.” The ostrich says, “I’ll have one too.” The cat says, “I want two beers, but I’m only gonna pay half price.” The bartender serves up four beers, and tells the man, “that’ll be $12....

The thing with people who are bad at counting calories..

..is that they have the figures to prove it

My wife was counting all our pennies out on the kitchen table...

My wife was counting all our pennies out on the kitchen table, when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason.

I thought to myself, “She’s going through change.”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

This is my favorite joke to tell. A man's car breaks down outside of a monastery.

So a man is driving home from a buisness trip. He has a pretty low paying job, so obviously he doesn't have the best of cars.

After a few hours of driving, he drives past a monastery. That kind with all the monks.

And holy tits, his car breaks down right in front of the monastery.
<...

Boy: My love for you is like counting the stars..

Girl: Oww, Infinite?
Boy: Nope, Pointless ..

Can't remember this joke 100% about a farmer counting his cows.

It has something to do with counting the heads of all his cattle and then I think it ends in a really dry punch line. Any help?

EDIT* got it thanks to /u/noncharacteristic

"A farmer in the field with his cows counted 196 of them, but when he rounded them up he had 200."

I had a welsh friend who tried counting all his lovers to me

but each time, I kept falling asleep

After Adam stayed out late a few nights, Eve became suspicious.

“You’re running around with another woman—admit it!” she demanded.

“What other woman?” Adam shot back. “You’re the only one here.”

That night, Adam was fast asleep when he was awoken by Eve poking him in the chest.

“What are you doing?”

“Counting your ribs.”

I noticed a bank teller having trouble counting coins

so i bumped into his desk and knocked some cents into him.

A blond is hiking through the woods when she hears someone counting up ahead.

She emerges from the tree line to find a brunette doing jumping jacks on a set of train tracks repeating, "10, 10, 10..." upon every jump.

The blonde says to the brunette, "Excuse me for wondering, but what exactly are you doing?"

The brunette replies, "It's a great game I just learned...

A teacher and her student practice counting

Teacher: OK now, 61,62,63,64,65,66,67,68,69...what comes after 69?
Student: Mouthwash
That student was sent home

Kentuckians

After their 11th child, a Kentucky couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So, the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Hitler, Stalin, and EA were having a debate

"Who amongst us is the most hated?" Hitler asked

Stalin said "It is I, the Soviet Union killed more people than even you, Hitler!"

EA says "NONSENSE! I've ruined dozens of game franchises. I am the most hated!"

Hitler said "Why don't we hold a vote in hell and see who is the mo...

A new twist on an old joke.

Scientists recently did a study on the effects the right side and left side of a brain had on counting. They first took out the left half of a man's brain and asked him to count to 10.

He says, "2, 4, 6, 8, 10".

They put the left half back in and removed the right half, asking him to c...

Adam and Eve

Eve: "Adam are you seeing someone else?"

Adam: "No, you're the only woman on earth!"

Adam: "Now what are you doing?"

Eve: "Counting your ribs."

The strange man counting on the bridge

A man was walking on a bridge over the water, when he came across a strange man that was counting out loud, however he kept repeating the same number over and over again. "21, 21, 21, 21" he would say constantly and in the same monotone voice.

Interested The man walked up to the one counting...

A Scientific Joke !!

Einstein, Newton, and Pascal are hanging out one afternoon.

Einstein is bored, so he suggests, "Let's play hide-and-seek. I'll be it!"

The others agree, so Einstein begins counting. "One... Two... Three..."

Pascal runs off right away to find a place to hide.

Newton draws ...

Einstein, Pascal, and Newton are playing hide-and-go-seek.

lt’s Einstein’s turn to count, so he covers his eyes and starts counting to ten. Pascal runs off and hides. Newton draws a one meter by one meter square on the ground in front of Einstein, then stands in the middle of it. Einstein reaches ten and uncovers his eyes. He sees Newton immediately and exc...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My Favorite Joke which I’ll tell and then explain why I love it.

A sheep herder has.a new girlfriend. They’re lying in bed after a night of intimacy and engaged in pillow talk.

The gal says, “So before me, how experienced were you?”

The sheep herder starts counting and falls asleep.

————————————————————————————

Three Reasons I love thi...

I was in Sainsburys earlier today

And a dear old lady at the front of the checkout queue had just had her trolley full of Xmas shopping scanned. The bill came to £61.17. She emptied all her notes & coins onto the counter & with the help of the checkout girl began counting it all up. It came to £59.85. She then started sobbin...

A husband and wife are in bed...

She turns to him and says 'how many lovers have you ever had?' He refuses to answer saying 'you'll only get upset' she doesn't give up though so... 'fine!' and he starts counting... '1,2,3,4,5, you,6,7......

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Long, but worth the read. Wrote it myself.

In the darkest corner of my basement I sat alone. Eyes puffy from hours of crying and yet tears still streamed down my face. A lone snot bubble formed as I wiped my nose on my sleeve. I refused to use my hands. I looked down and in the pale moonlight streaming through the window I could tell the...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An American with a boat and a Canadian with a boat crash,

They keep blaming one another while floating on sea. After a while they arrive at an island, where they were greeted by a tribe. They told their dilemma to the head of the tribe, to which he replied: "each of you will go to the forest and collect 100 of the same fruit, the first one to return will n...

A Spanish magician has a grand magical show and at the end he says he will disappear...

...after counting to three. He starts to count, “Un, dos…”

Kazaam!

He vanished without a tres.

Christ, party of 13

Jesus and company arrive at the restaurant where they will enjoy their final meal together.

He tells the hostess they will need a space that can seat 26. Only counting 13, she asks why they need such a big table.

With a shrug, Jesus replies: "We like to sit on the same side."

Newton ,einstein and pascal were playind hide and seek

It was Einstein's turn to seek, he starting counting 1,2,3 Pascal scurried away while Newton brought out a chalk and a drew a square and a boomerang and stood inside the square.

99, 100... Einstein turned around and said "I found you Newton"

Newton : "no, I'm a Newton over a meter squa...

There are 10 types of people.

Those who understand binary and those who dont.
and then there are people who start counting at 0.

Just got back from the police station.

Got arrested last night for punching someone.

It's not my fault though, when you hear a Arab counting down from 10, your instincts kick in.

Yale educated

The bank manager noticed the new clerk was not good at counting money and adding up figures.


"Where did you get your financial education?" he asked.


"Yale," replied the lad.


"And what's your name?" barked the manager.


"Yim Yohnston," he replied...

There were four people on an airplane. The pilot, a pastor, 'The Smartest Teenager in the World' and a teenager with a backpack.

A few hours into the flight, the pilot comes out and says, "Our engine is on fire and we're going to crash! We only have three parachutes, and I'm taking the first because I have a wife and three growing kids."

The pilot took the first parachute and left.

'The Smartest Teenager in th...

Scientists removed the right half of a man's brain...

...and then, they asked him to count to ten. The man counted, "two, four, six, eight, ten."

Then they put the right half back and removed the left half, and again asked the man to count to ten. The man counted, "one, three, five, seven, nine."

The scientists then removed both halves of...

You're It!

Einstein, Newton, and Pascal are playing hide-and-seek. It’s Einstein’s turn to be it, so he closes his eyes and starts counting, “Eins, zwei, drei…” Pascal runs off and hides under a big bush. Newton runs over to a nearby driveway, takes out some chalk, and draws a box around him that is one meter ...