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Counting Jokes

A retired boxer goes to see his doctor because he’s having trouble sleeping. “Have you tried counting sheep?” the doctor asks.

“I tried,” the boxer explains, “but every time I get to the number nine I stand up.”

When counting down, I can't stand negative numbers

I stop at nothing to avoid them.

Scientists removed the right half brain of a man and then they asked him to count to ten.

The man counted, "two, four, six, eight, ten."

Then they put the right-half back and removed the left-half, and again asked the man to count to ten.

The man counted, "one, three, five, seven, nine."

The scientists then removed both halves of the man's brain, and asked him again...

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Counting CONDOMS

A boy goes to the drug store with his dad and sees the condom display.

Boy: "Dad, why do they do packs of one condom?"

Dad: "Those are for the high-schoolers for Friday nights."

Boy: "So, why do they make packs of three?"

Dad: "For the college guys for Friday, Saturday an...

A farmer was counting his cows....

A farmer was counting his cows and initially only counted 196, but when he rounded them up he had 200.

Einstein, Newton and Pascal play hide and seek together

Einstein, Newton and Pascal play hide and seek together.

It's Einstein's turn to count, and he closes his eyes. After counting to 10, Pascal runs away and hides.

Newton, on the other hand, very calmly draws a square on the ground, 1 meter on each side, in front of the place that Einste...

A man dies one day and finds himself in Hell, much to his surprise.

The man has never sinned, he has attended church somewhat regularly and often gives to charity.

He asks at the gate if there has been a mistake to which the ferryman gives no answer.

He figures there is little hope for him, but somehow he will make the best of his situation.

He ...

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One night I asked my Scottish friend how many sexual partners he’s had

He started counting, and after a minute or so, he fell asleep

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hitler, Salin, and EA were having a debate

"Who amongst us is the most hated?" Hitler asked

Stalin said "It is I, the Soviet Union killed more people than even you, Hitler!"

EA says "NONSENSE! I've ruined dozens of game franchises. I am the most hated!"

Hitler said "Why don't we hold a vote in hell and see who is the mo...

A new twist on an old joke.

Scientists recently did a study on the effects the right side and left side of a brain had on counting.
They first took out the left half of a man's brain and asked him to count to 10.

He says, "2, 4, 6, 8, 10".

They put the left half back in and removed the right half, asking him ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Man to therapist : "I just fucked my fourth cousin."

Therapist : "Is that a problem for you?"

Man : "The problem is that I'm counting."

Two little boys stole a big bag of oranges from a neighbour.

They decided to go to a quiet place to share the lot equally. One of them suggested the nearby cemetery.

As they were jumping over the gate to enter the cemetery, two oranges fell out of the big bag but they didn't bother to pick them since they had enough in the bag.

A few minutes lat...

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I had sex with my third cousin.

My sister told me to stop counting.

I finished with my ex girlfriend due to her obsession with counting.

I wonder what she's up to now.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A redneck birth control

After having the 10th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough since they could not afford another kid.

So the husband went to his doctor and told him the he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Which is the number 1 cereal brand in Asgard?

Bifrosties

*holy shit almost crapped my pants with excitement when I came up with this. GF not as excited, I'm counting on you guys

A Spaniard is counting small green vegetables...

"Uno pea, dos pea, tres pea, cuatro pea", and then he fainted.

The last time I saw my friend Peter he was counting. "75, 76, 77..." he said, as he began to walk away.

I don't know what he's up to now.

"Clever Hans" was a horse that could count. But you know what's more impressive than a counting horse?

...a spelling bee.

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