UPJOKE
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A Spaniard is counting small green vegetables...

"Uno pea, dos pea, tres pea, cuatro pea", and then he fainted.

A man dies one day and finds himself in Hell, much to his surprise.

The man has never sinned, he has attended church somewhat regularly and often gives to charity.

He asks at the gate if there has been a mistake to which the ferryman gives no answer.

He figures there is little hope for him, but somehow he will make the best of his situation.

He ...

"Clever Hans" was a horse that could count. But you know what's more impressive than a counting horse?

...a spelling bee.

I've been counting calories.

I'm trying to beat my high score.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A shaggy looking old lady goes into her bank and asks the teller...

"Can I please withdraw $10 from my account?" while handing over her debit card.

The teller, annoyed at such a transaction request, rudely tells the old lady "Go to the ATM, stop holding up the line for $10."

The old lady then says "Okay, then I want to withdraw $10k from my account."...

What did the Afghans get when too many of them were counting?

The tally ban.

It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop...

It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted him with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it?

Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 18.
<...

A man went to the doctor because he had trouble falling asleep.

The doctor told him to count to 1000 every night to help him fall asleep.

So that night, the man got into bed and started counting to 1000. When he got to 50, he started feeling very tired, so he got up, made himself a coffee, and went back to bed to keep on counting.

A retired boxer goes to see his doctor because he’s having trouble sleeping. “Have you tried counting sheep?” the doctor asks.

“I tried,” the boxer explains, “but every time I get to the number nine I stand up.”

Help With Counting Money

Patel: Remove your clothes.


Wife: Why Remove my clothes?


Patel: Just do and come beside me on the bed.


Wife: Okay they are off.


Patel: Nice sweetie. What about your bra and panties? Remove them also.


Wife: Please I am not in the mood. ...

I left my girlfriend because she wouldn't stop counting

I wonder what she's up to, now...

You wouldn't happen to be a consultant now, would you?

One day, a shepherd was out grazing his sheep when a stranger came up to him and made him a proposition:

Stranger: If I can tell you exactly how many sheep you have without counting them, will you let me have one of them as a prize?

The farmer, out of curiosity , agreed.

So the ...

Two little boys stole a load of apples from a neighbours apple tree.

They decided to go to a quiet place to share the lot equally.
One of them suggested the nearby cemetery.
As they were jumping over the gate to enter the cemetery, they dropped two apples, but they didn't bother to pick them since they had enough.
A few minutes later, a drunk, on his way fro...

Lazy farmhands

Three farmers were talking. "You would not believe how lazy my latest farmhand is." one said. "Come watch."

They went to his house and saw a sleeping man. "Hey Joe" his master called. "What? Is it dinner time?" the farmhand replied, then turned around and went back to sleep.

"Ha, that ...

Today I was counting potatoes

I was being quantipotative.

Newton, Pascal and Einstein are playing hide and seek

Einstein starts to count.

Pascal runs off and hides in a bush, while Newton draws a square on the ground and steps into it.

Einstein finishes counting, turns around and sees Newton, "Ha, I have found you Newton!"

Newton however replies, "Nope. One Newton on one square meter is e...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guy walks up to a bartender

And points at a cup about 10 feet away sitting on the bar. Man says, “I’ll bet you $300 I can piss in that cup and not get a drop anywhere else.” Bartender thinks on it for a second and he responds, “you’re on.”

So the guy stands up on the bar, gets ready, and pisses everywhere. He hits the d...

When counting down, I can't stand negative numbers

I stop at nothing to avoid them.

A meathead is counting loudly in the gym as he does bench press...

“1! 3! 5! 7! 9!”

Another meathead:
“Do you even lift bro”

Meathead: “Nah I only odd lift bro”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One night I asked my Scottish friend how many sexual partners he’s had

He started counting, and after a minute or so, he fell asleep

Three days and counting and still we don't know who will be the president

These are unpresidented times

Why is Trump so keen to stop counting votes?

His advisers are rushin...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My favourite nun joke

The nuns from the Convent of the Immaculate Conception were on a day trip when their bus went off the road, plunged over a cliff and they were all killed.

It had been a long day at the gates of heaven and Saint Peter had been counting down the minutes to knocking off time and some well-earned...

I finished with my ex girlfriend due to her obsession with counting.

I wonder what she's up to now.

Counting Numbers at School

Teacher: Billy said our last number was 69, Sally what comes after 69.........
Sally: Mouthwash

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Counting CONDOMS

A boy goes to the drug store with his dad and sees the condom display.

Boy: "Dad, why do they do packs of one condom?"

Dad: "Those are for the high-schoolers for Friday nights."

Boy: "So, why do they make packs of three?"

Dad: "For the college guys for Friday, Saturday an...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I had sex with my third cousin.

My sister told me to stop counting.

The jailer started counting the number of inmates one morning

because he wanted a con-census.

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