The 110+ Best Mass Jokes

A woman who lived next door to a preacher was puzzled by his personality change.At home he was shy, quiet and retiring, but in the church he was a real fire orator, rousing the masses in the name of God. It was as if he were two different people.

One day she asked him about the dramatic transformation that came over him when he preached.

“Ah,” he said, “That’s my altar ego.”

It was on this day in 1978 that cult leader Jim Jones carried out a mass murder/suicide of over 900 of his followers in Jonestown, Guyana. Horrifying. There's a joke about it but it's wildly innappriopriate.

And anyway, the punchline's too long.

Why do Americans rarely tell jokes about mass shootings?

Because it’s always too soon.

^(i feel bad)

Yo momma's so fat that objects 5 meters away accelerate at 1 m/s^2 toward her. What is yo momma's mass if G = 6.67x10^-11Nm^2/kg^2?

Please, someone help me, I can't solve it and it's making me nuts.

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You're living. You have mass. You occupy space. Do you know what that means?

You matter.

Jack goes to his buddy Bob and says ... "I'm sleeping with the priest's wife. Can you hold him in church for an hour after mass for me?"

The friend doesn't like it but being a buddy, he agrees. After mass,

Bob starts talking to the priest, asking him all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied. Finally the priest gets annoyed and asks him what he's really up to.

Bob feeling guilty, finally confesses to th...

How do you determine the mass of a chilli pepper?

You give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh, now.

Apparently there was a mass shooting at the Gap.

There were a lot of casual tees.

"Photons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic!"

Just kidding, that's a really silly joke. Obviously photons aren't really Catholic. They're Hindu Ascetics. You know, cause they're always traveling light.

I meet a bishop at Good Friday mass today, but I’m a little suspicious.

He wasn’t moving diagonally.

Did you hear about the mass murderer who moonlighted as a model

He had the face of a 20-year-old, then a 35-year-old, then a 16-year-old...

I'm just glad Eminem will never be a mass shooter

He only gets one shot

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I'm so tired of all these "historically" based movies and books that change the characters' skin color to pander to the masses

Like, what's up with this Jesus being white bullshit.

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How do you know the Japanese mass murderer was a chef?

He spent his day cutting up vegetables

If a mass of beef fat is 'tallow', and mass of pig fat is 'lard', what is a mass of human fat called?

'American'.

Just kidding, it's actually called 'Yo Momma'.

Did you about the parishioner attending mass this morning who was accidentally whacked in the head with a ceremonial scent diffuser?

Apparently the guy was pretty incensed

How do you measure the mass of God?

Yahweh it of course.

A joke I heard at mass

A priest is baptizing a man. He dips him 3 times in water and says "Craig, from now on you will be known as Michael. From this day forth you are to shed your sinful ways and that includes no more gambling or alcohol"

The man later that day goes home and heads straight for the fridge. He then...

What is first prize in a competition to lose muscle mass?

a trophy.

"Mr. Trump, have you changed your plans for mass deportation?"

"No, I have not. I will deport 11 million undocumented immigrants and two dogs."

"Why the two dogs?"

"See? Nobody cares about the immigrants!"

There will be a mass meeting of the debating society this evening.

All mass debaters are invited to attend.

Police were called to the scene of a suspected mass grave of snowmen

upon further investigation, it was determined to be a carrot patch

A priest, one of many in his deeply religious town, decides to skip Mass one Sunday morning to enjoy the day playing golf.

Fortunately for him, as Mass was a rather large gathering, his absence isn't noticed by the other townsfolk.

However, God notices and is determined to exact a punishment. God spends a few minutes pondering his options, before ordering his angels to ensure that the priest gets a hole-in-one on...

Chemistry teacher: Did you know protons have mass?

Student: I didn't even know protons were Catholic.

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A Monsignor is in charge of a nunnery. He visits most every Sunday, gives mass, and takes confession.

On one such Sunday he is taking confession and is hearing the usual stuff from the nuns, taking the Lord's be name in vain, thinking impure thoughts, etc. All is going as expected until Sister Roberta walks in. She says, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned." The Monsignor says, "Unburden yourself....

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A woman was running late for Sunday mass.

As she ran up the church steps, she tripped and fell...her dress came up and her hat flew off. She stood up, put on her hat and started straightening out her dress when she saw a priest standing at the door,

"Excuse Father Ryan, is mass out?" she asked

The priest looked at her and sa...

With all this spare time on their hands people are going to start pursuing their passions. I wouldn't be surprised to sudden explosion in the arts, a renewal in scientific interest, and a mass proliferation of original content.

A coronaissance, if you will.

Proud my girlfriend refers to my junk as a weapon of mass destruction

Unfortunately she meant hard to find.

Newton said "The greater the mass, the greater the force of attraction"

Yet here I am. Still single.

A man is struggling to find a parking space. “Lord,” he prays. “I can’t stand this. If you open a space up for me, I swear I’ll give up the drink and go to mass every Sunday."

Suddenly, the clouds part and the sun shines on an empty parking spot.

Without hesitation, the man says: “Never mind, I found one!”

What did the preacher say at the vegetable mass?

“Lettuce pray for peas on Earth.”

Then

“Why do I bother with puns, everyone here’s brain dead.”

Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight.

There would be mass confusion.

Did you hear about the mass shooting at the circus?

A dyslexic clowns got confused about the 2nd Amendment and armed the Bears

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A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

After mass he asked the bishop how he had done.

The bishop replied, 'When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.'

So next Sunday he took the bishop's advice.

At the beginning of t...

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After trying for many years to turn lead into gold scientists accidentally discovered how to turn any mass into shit!

Simply let Xi Jinping touch it.

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Military joke: the enemy is storming the front en masse.

Army general turns to his soldiers, "boys, go get em!"
They all go out running at the enemy and they all die.

Navy Admiral turns to his seamen, "boys, storm those beaches!"
They all rush ashore and every last one of them are killed.

Marine General turn to his men all cocky, "...

How did President Bush know that Iraq had weapons of mass destruction?

Well he kept the receipts.

Going to mass is basically just like a dog being trained

A guy tells you to sit and stand and sit and stand, and at the end they give you a snack

I once overheard two physicists debating over the mass of subatomic particles..

They were mass-debating

Dead Crows on the Mass Pike

Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone’s relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avi...

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Guy goes to mass at St. Peter's Basilica...

Sitting opposite him in the front row are two hobos. Throughout the entire mass, the hobos are eating peanuts and dropping the shells on the floor.

The man is very angry at this, and decides he's going to give the hobos a piece of his mind after the mass is over.

However, at the concl...

What do you give the mass murderer who cured cancer?

The no-bail prize

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A Navy Aircraft carrier and its entourage were traversing out at sea when they get a signal of an approaching mass.

They comm it and express for them to move out of their way they were on a mission of high importance. "Negative sir we cannot accommodate your request" The admiral quite taken aback exclaims that "Its not a request son, this is the United States Navy Aircraft carrier Ronald Reagan flanked by two nav...

When I was younger one of my favorite jokes to tell was about a 4,000 lb. elephant. I tried to convert it to metric to share with the rest of the world.

But, it never got a laugh. Just these looks of mass confusion.

What do you call a tea without mass?

Empty

August 20, 2020: Scientists have discovered a "mystery object" in space. The object is equal to 2.6 solar masses.

March 1, 2021: (Update) Scientists have determined that the “mystery object” is made up of unmatched socks.

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A man goes to ask the great guru, "Which is better, large breasts or small breasts?"

The great guru asks him "How much money do you have in bills in your wallet?"

The man quickly counts the money. "Thirty dollars."

"And if you had thirty dollars in coins," said the guru, "which would have the greater mass- the coins or the bills?"

"The coins of course."

"...

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One Easter Sunday, a man goes to church and returns home with two black eyes.

His wife inquires as to how he got the black eyes.

The man goes on to say, “a lady stood up in front of me during mass, I saw her dress was stuck in the butt crack, so I reached out and tugged it out. She whirled around, became furious, and punched me in the eye.”

“That explains one bl...

What do you call a mass murderer on a bike?

A Cyclepath.

Why is gravity so cheap?

It's mass-produced

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Billy's diagnosis

Billy was just diagnosed with a terminal cancer. The doctor gave him 3 weeks to live.

Billy came home and called his son upstairs. With a heavy voice, Billy said “I have cancer and I only have 3 weeks left to live. It is in our family’s tradition to drink ourselves out in such events.” The s...

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Best way to vaccinate the masses

Train all of the Amazon drivers to give it.
Everyone will have it by Saturday.
Thursday if you have Prime.

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Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee after Mass

The first Catholic man tells his friends, “My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him ‘Father’.”

The second Catholic man chirps, “My son is a Bishop, when he walks into a room people call him ‘Your Grace’.”

The third Catholic man says, “My son is a Cardinal. When...

What's a mass murderer's favorite article of clothing?

Casual T's.

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An atheist man married a devout Catholic woman.

The woman insisted they have a full catholic wedding, led by a priest and including the sacrament. The man loved her, so he capitulated.
Every Sunday the woman insisted they attend mass. The man loved her, so he capitulated.
When their children were born, the woman insisted on a Catholic c...

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Hilarious, subversive memo sent to 20,000 federal employees early in computer mass-messaging age

This memo was sent out to 20,000 federal employees in my agency in the early 1990s, when federal computer systems first got mass messaging. The first incarnation of this system allowed *any employee* to mass message. Some low-level employee sent this to all. Needless to say, the agency immediatel...

Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell in shock when he saw him.

Murphy had never stepped in Church his whole life.

After Mass, the priest caught up with Murphy and said, "Murphy, I'm so glad you decided to come to Mass, but I gotta ask, what made you come?"

Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you father, a while back, I misplaced me hat and I re...

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My favorite joke: Everyone Knows Dave

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"

"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."
So Da...

A chemistry professor posted a bonus question to an exam:

Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know ...

“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free.”

"Some, I assume, are good people"

During a mass, the pastor was teaching his congregation what a tithe was.

'Now, if you have a million dollars,' he asked the crowd, 'how many of you will give out one-tenth to the church?'

All but one raised their hands. Bemused, the pastor walked down towards the one who didn't.

'Why not, my child?' he asked, 'Isn't there nothing more joyous than giving bac...

What ancient civilization wasn’t wiped out by a mass plague?

The Maskedonians

It’s almost midnight. I’ll leave.

What do you call the mass distribution of news and information regarding marijuana, as well as the demand for its legalisation?

Propaganja. Thank you. I'll let myself out.

I hate when people blame video games for mass shooting

Like what am I gonna do shoot up the school with a copy of doom

Why don't Chinese people care about mass surveillance?

Because after the 1 child policy, nobody remembers what a big brother is, anyway.

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Niels Bohr: "So Let me get this straight. If I was having sex with my girlfriend and I thrust at the speed of light, would my penis gain infinite mass?"

Albert Einstein: "I suppose it would. One thing is for sure, you'd certainly create a black hole..."

In the 15th century, the end of the plague was celebrated by mass orgies...

Anything similar being prepared for Covid? I'm asking for a friend...

My local news station had a story about a string of killings at churches in Massachusetts.

"Mass mass mass murders." they said.

A few days ago, a team of 200 scientists released the first ever image of a cosmic body with a mass 7 billion times that of the sun's, also known as

yo mama lmao

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Mass shooting in Soviet Union, government blamed the Nazi. Mass shooting in Europe, government blamed terrorists.

Mass shooting in United States, government blamed video games.

Do priests who do mass without a bible...

Doing it priestyle?

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A priest is celebrating mass.

He begins with, "I was going to tell a vegetable joke, but I can't think of any, so lettuce pray."

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A mass in the local church.

The priest goes, "Put your hands on your sick parts!"

An old man grabs his dick. And his wife goes, "Get that out of there! It's healing, not resurrection."

Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass!

I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!

I wasn't going to tell any jokes about mass shootings

But I figured I'd take a shot.

 

What would it be called if mass genocide were committed against Russians?

The alcoholocaust.

Whenever I hear about a mass shooting, the first thing I say is

Betty White

My science teacher was explaining how if something has enough mass, it turns circular

Some dude in my class shouted: That’s why I’m so circular!

Have you heard of the object without mass?

It doesn't matter

I thought I found a mass grave of snowmen.

Until I realised it was a field of carrots.

Sin city we all know is Las Vegas, but do you know what Den city is?

Mass over volume.

What do you call Mass Confusion

Fathers Day in Detroit

If mass and energy are the same thing,

how come the fatter you get, the lazier you become?

I found a mass grave today, full of dead snowmen. "Dave…" shouted my wife.

"Come away from the pond."

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As far as we know, the universe could have an infinite amount of mass.

Just like your mom.

Ban weapons of mass dyslexia!

Before they start an unclear war.

I used to be a mass murderer...

But then I got a vasectomy.

The Pope’s Christmas Mass

175 lbs

The Pope’s Post-Christmas Mass: 186 lbs

US: Iraq, I heard you have weapon of mass destruction!

iraq: No we don't?

\*US invades Iraq*

US: Syria, I heard you have weapon of mass destruction!

Syria: No we don't!

\*US invades Syria*

US: North Korea, I heard you have weapon of mass destruction!

North Korea: Yeah? What's up with that?

US: No.. nothin...

What do you call Batman when he keeps skipping mass?

Christian Bale.

So I heard Australia just ordered a mass cull of over 5000 camels yesterday...

Wouldn't be the first time a drunk Aussie polished off a pack of camels in an afternoon.

Einstein says that anything with mass can't go faster than the speed of light, but...

What if you aren't Catholic?

Mass protests, the tension is mounting.

The cops are poising themselves, wacking their shields with their rubber sticks. The protesters are hurling rocks at the cops.

A cop says to his colleague: See that pudgy, well dressed old lady with the hat? That's my mother-in-law. Do not touch her. SHE'S MINE.

Apparently, Marx was right about religion being the opiate of the masses.

I just heard someone on the radio talking about mainlining Protestant churches.

You know the difference between a woman attending Sunday morning mass and a woman taking a Friday night bath?

One has hope in her soul; the other has soap in her hole.

A man walks into a department store

He says to sales lady "I would like to buy a Baptist bra for my wife, size 36B."
With a quizzical look the sales lady asked "what kind of bra?"

He repeated a "Baptist bra, she said to tell you she wanted a Baptist bra, and you would know what she wanted."

"Ah now I remember" sai...

That's the difference between tech support and a mass shooter?

One is a troubleshooter, while the other is a troubled shooter.

What's floating above a mass grave?

Team spirit

What sound did the gun make when the priest shot through two benches to kill a mass shooter?

PEW PEW

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At the peak of the cold war the Russians started a project to mass produce war robots.

The plan was divided into 4 stages, in the first stage the scientists were tasked to perfect the technology of remotely controlling the robots.

The second stage was giving the robots a perfectly humanoid stucture and give them the ability to perfectly copy human actions.

T...

The Russians developed a very powerful weapon of mass destruction.

Or as they call him, “Agent Orange”.

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A parishioner who only attends church on holidays is leaving church after Easter mass.

The preacher is standing at the door to shake hands. He grabs the parishioner by the hand and pulls him aside. “You need to join the Army of the Lord!” the pastor tells the parishioner.

The parishioner replies, “I’m already in the Army of the Lord, pastor.”

The pastor questions, “Then ...

What did the Arab leader drink every day to build muscle mass?

A protein sheikh.

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A hurricane is headed for a small town. The news says that everyone needs to evacuate. A religious man in the town says "I'm not going to leave my home, God will protect me".

The hurricane hits, and it's bad. There's mass flooding, and the police come to the man's door and tell him he needs to leave. The man says "I'm not afraid, God will protect me." The police give up and leave him.

The water rises in his house, so the man is forced to climb onto his roof. Just...

The supermassive black hole in the core of the Messier 87 galaxy measures 40 billion km across, three million times the size of the Earth, and has a mass 6.5 billion times that of the Sun.

Almost as big as your mom.

Mass Murder

Man walks into a pub and the bartender says, "Not seen you in ages, where you been?"

"Was in the jail," replies the man.

"Sorry to hear that," says the bartender. "What did you do?"

"What do you mean?," says the man, "I was just visiting. My friend got convicted for a mass murde...

A Priest decides to skip mass in order to go golfing

He knows this is wrong, but he figures it's okay. He's performed mass for 30 years, and has been looking forward to golfing for ages. The weather is only good during mass hours, so he figures he deserves it, right? Another priest fills in as he claims he's sick.

As he is driving to the golf ...

Why didn't Donald Trump go to midnight Mass?

Fake pews

Why isn't NSA mass surveillance a hot topic in the US elections?

Because it's the only part of the govt that listens to the American people.

Traffic in New York seems like a mass break up

No one is moving on

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