What has mass and occupies space

a fat Catholic

With all this spare time on their hands people are going to start pursuing their passions. I wouldn't be surprised to sudden explosion in the arts, a renewal in scientific interest, and a mass proliferation of original content.

A coronaissance, if you will.

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I identify as a large land mass.

Does this make me transcontinental?

Why do Americans rarely tell jokes about mass shootings?

Because it’s always too soon.



^(i feel bad)

If mass and energy are the same thing,

how come the fatter you get, the lazier you become?

imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight.

there would be mass confusion.

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A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor for help. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervious I take a sip."

So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass he found the following note on his door:

Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.

There are 10 commandments, not 1...

Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass!

I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!

People gathered in masses

To buy paper for their asses.

Jack goes to his buddy Bob and says ... "I'm sleeping with the priest's wife. Can you hold him in church for an hour after mass for me?"

The friend doesn't like it but being a buddy, he agrees. After mass,

Bob starts talking to the priest, asking him all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied. Finally the priest gets annoyed and asks him what he's really up to.

Bob feeling guilty, finally confesses to th...

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A hurricane is headed for a small town. The news says that everyone needs to evacuate. A religious man in the town says "I'm not going to leave my home, God will protect me".

The hurricane hits, and it's bad. There's mass flooding, and the police come to the man's door and tell him he needs to leave. The man says "I'm not afraid, God will protect me." The police give up and leave him.

The water rises in his house, so the man is forced to climb onto his roof. Just...

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Everyone knows Dave

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"

"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave ...

Why didn’t USA switch from pounds to grams?

Because of mass outrage.

What do you call a mass murderer on a bike?

A Cyclepath.

Why are there so many public mass shootings in America?

Because the schools are closed for summer vacation.

All lives matter

Because we have mass and take up space

I found a mass grave today, full of dead snowmen. "Dave…" shouted my wife.

"Come away from the pond."

What do you call Batman when he keeps skipping mass?

Christian Bale.

What would it be called if mass genocide were committed against Russians?

The alcoholocaust.

Mass protests, the tension is mounting.

The cops are poising themselves, wacking their shields with their rubber sticks. The protesters are hurling rocks at the cops.

A cop says to his colleague: See that pudgy, well dressed old lady with the hat? That's my mother-in-law. Do not touch her. SHE'S MINE.

The Pope’s Christmas Mass

175 lbs

The Pope’s Post-Christmas Mass: 186 lbs

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.

Looking up to heaven he said, 'Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!'

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, 'Never mind, I found one.'

What's floating above a mass grave?

Team spirit

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You're living, you occupy space and you have mass. Do you know what that means?

You matter.

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Today marks 5 weeks of isolation...

I'm walking 2 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour. Eating fresh vegetables and home cooked meals every day. The change has been fantastic! I feel great!

Zero alcohol, a healthy diet, gluten free, caffeine free, sugar free and a 1 hour home workout each day! Lost 20 lbs and gained muscle mas...

Chemistry teacher: Did you know protons have mass?

Student: I didn't even know protons were Catholic.

If a mass of beef fat is 'tallow', and mass of pig fat is 'lard', what is a mass of human fat called?

'American'.

Just kidding, it's actually called 'Yo Momma'.

What do you call Mass Confusion

Fathers Day in Detroit

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Mass shooting in Soviet Union, government blamed the Nazi. Mass shooting in Europe, government blamed terrorists.

Mass shooting in United States, government blamed video games.

God in the parking lot

A man is struggling to find a parking space. "Lord," he prays. "I can't stand this. If you open a space up for me, I swear I'll give up the drink and go to mass every Sunday."

Suddenly, the clouds part and the sun shines on an empty parking spot. Without hesitation, the man says: "Never mind,...

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A priest owns poultry

A cock is missing.
He runs around looking for it and reaches the sunday mass, where he asks - anyone has a cock? All men say yes.
No, no he says, I mean has anyone seen a cock, rephrasing? All women say yes.
No no he says, now agitated, has anyone seen my cock! All the nuns raise t...

What sound did the gun make when the priest shot through two benches to kill a mass shooter?

PEW PEW

Interesting fact: the sun makes up 99.86% of the solar system's mass!

The rest is your mama

I wasn't going to tell any jokes about mass shootings

But I figured I'd take a shot.

 

The beverage company Nage decided to do something new.

In the tiny village of Mars, Kansas, a new themepark opened on the outskirts of town. Touted as the future of entertainment, the beverage company "Nage" decided to take all their leftover & recycled parts of their product, and turn them into hardened plastic materials to construct their attracti...

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This coronavirus quarantine is great..

Today I set a new personal record for beers consumed during Mass.

Definitely a repost, but the following is an alleged question given on a University of Arizona chemistry mid-term, and an alleged answer turned in by a student.

The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well:

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students ...

Whenever I hear about a mass shooting, the first thing I say is

Betty White

US: Iraq, I heard you have weapon of mass destruction!

iraq: No we don't?

\*US invades Iraq*

US: Syria, I heard you have weapon of mass destruction!

Syria: No we don't!

\*US invades Syria*

US: North Korea, I heard you have weapon of mass destruction!

North Korea: Yeah? What's up with that?

US: No.. nothin...

Some Good News From America!

We're currently celebrating our longest stint without a mass shooting in 20 years!

So there's that.

"I'm here reporting at an anti-coronavirus protest today..."

"The protestors are holding signs ridiculing the lockdown, saying it's "just mass panic." There are also some doctors here today. They're holding signs as well."

"What do the signs say?"

"I can't tell. I can't read their handwriting."

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As far as we know, the universe could have an infinite amount of mass.

Just like your mom.

A few days ago, a team of 200 scientists released the first ever image of a cosmic body with a mass 7 billion times that of the sun's, also known as

yo mama lmao

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A man and his wife go to church

The man has a plan since his wife keeps falling asleep during mass. The man brought a pencil with him to poke his wife so that she would stay awake.

During mass, the priest decides to play trivia, at which this point the wife is asleep. The priest asks “Who was atoned for the sins of man?” ...

What do you call it when someone coughs or sneezes in 2020?

A coronal mass ejection

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What's the difference between school shootings and mass shootings?

School shootings have more class.

Have you heard of Boyle's Law?

It's a law stating that the pressure of a given mass of an ideal gas is inversely proportional to its volume at a constant temperature.

Now building on top of that, have you ever heard of Cole's Law?

It's a salad dish of raw cabbage, carrots, and other vegetables mixed with mayonnaise

What did the preacher say at the vegetable mass?

“Lettuce pray for peas on Earth.”

Then

“Why do I bother with puns, everyone here’s brain dead.”

Yo momma so fat..

The government cancelled her for being a mass gathering

What do you call it when 2 people argue wheather kilos or pounds are better

Mutual mass debation

What did the Arab leader drink every day to build muscle mass?

A protein sheikh.

How do you measure the mass of a red hot chili pepper.

Give it a weigh. Give it a weigh. Give it a weigh now.

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I just realized the fight between obi wan and Anakin perfectly sums up the past year of fighting between Millenials and Boomers, respectively.

When Jedi business becomes too real.

---------------

Millenials: You have allowed this giant turd to twist your mind, until now, until now you've become the very thing you swore to destroy.

Boomer : Don't lecture me, child, I see through the lies of the libtards I do not fear t...

Apparently, Marx was right about religion being the opiate of the masses.

I just heard someone on the radio talking about mainlining Protestant churches.

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At the peak of the cold war the Russians started a project to mass produce war robots.

The plan was divided into 4 stages, in the first stage the scientists were tasked to perfect the technology of remotely controlling the robots.

The second stage was giving the robots a perfectly humanoid stucture and give them the ability to perfectly copy human actions.

T...

The anti-vaxxers are going to have a field day with this COVID-19 pandemic

They're all going to be mass buried out in those fields once this is all over.

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A parishioner who only attends church on holidays is leaving church after Easter mass.

The preacher is standing at the door to shake hands. He grabs the parishioner by the hand and pulls him aside. “You need to join the Army of the Lord!” the pastor tells the parishioner.

The parishioner replies, “I’m already in the Army of the Lord, pastor.”

The pastor questions, “Then ...

Blackholes

Are mass murderers

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Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife

Very Long Read:

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversa...

Boudreaux the Baptist

Boudreaux was a Cajun highlander from Rapides Parish in central Louisiana who was born and raised a Baptist . Each Friday night after work, he would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak.

Now, as a point of interest, all of Boudreaux's neighbors were Catholic and as such were for...

Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell in shock when he saw him.

Murphy had never stepped in Church his whole life.

After Mass, the priest caught up with Murphy and said, "Murphy, I'm so glad you decided to come to Mass, but I gotta ask, what made you come?"

Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you father, a while back, I misplaced me hat and I re...

I go to the gym to lose weight

You can say that I’m a mass murderer

Lindsay Lohan at a Church joke

Lindsay Lohan goes to Church but is not sure what the schedule is due to the virus. She spots little Johnny and asks him.

Lindsay Lohan: "Is mass out today"


Little Johnny: "No, but your hat is a bit crooked"


I am going to Hell.

Humans have a great mass of blood vessels.

In fact, if you stretched them all into one long line,
the human would die.

Traffic in New York seems like a mass break up

No one is moving on

The supermassive black hole in the core of the Messier 87 galaxy measures 40 billion km across, three million times the size of the Earth, and has a mass 6.5 billion times that of the Sun.

Almost as big as your mom.

A man bursts into a confession booth

"Father!" he cries, hardly able to breathe. "For the last month I have been having daily orgies with just me and 5 women from my street. Two of the women are a twins"

"My child, this is wanton. I can absolve you but once this has stopped"

"There has been much sodomy Father. Every depra...

A joke I heard at mass

A priest is baptizing a man. He dips him 3 times in water and says "Craig, from now on you will be known as Michael. From this day forth you are to shed your sinful ways and that includes no more gambling or alcohol"

The man later that day goes home and heads straight for the fridge. He then...

Easter mass

Easter was was very traditional this year the priests and bishops came, the altar boys didn’t say anything, and when the service was over the priests went to a different church.

Two Americans are touring Europe, and are scheduled to arrive in France Sunday afternoon.

Two American men are touring Europe, and are scheduled to arrive in France Sunday afternoon. However, they arrived several hours early, and had little to do on Sunday morning while everything was closed.

"Well," one says to the other, pointing to a nearby Cathedral, "why don't we attend Mass?...

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How much weight do you lose after having a wisdom tooth taken out?

A molar mass.

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Scientists are predicting that an aurora will be created from all the self-isolating people stuck at home watching porn...

Due to the resulting coronal mass erection.

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There once was a baby born with no arms. His parents put him on the church's stairs and vanished.

The local priest took him in and raised him, eventually giving him the job of ringing the bell for evening mass. So, each day, the child lined up from across the room and ran as fast as he could to hit the bell with his head.

One day, the priest ate a banana and left the peel lying by the bel...

I hear NASA has a plan to send everyone with covid 19 into space

They're calling it a corona mass ejection

A woman who lived next door to a preacher was puzzled by his personality change in the pulpit.

At home he was shy, quiet and retiring but in the church he was a real fire and brimstone orator, rousing the masses in the name of God. It was as if he was two different people.
One day she asked him about the dramatic transformation that came over him when he preached.
"Ah," he said, "...

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A scientist walks into a bar and sees a depressed man.

"What's wrong?" says the scientist.

"I have nothing to live for," the man replies miserably. "I'm an absolute nobody. I don't have anything to offer the world. I'm completely unspecial and just another average Joe. I don't even know why I'm here. What's the point? What's my purpose?"

T...

Einstein says that anything with mass can't go faster than the speed of light, but...

What if you aren't Catholic?

Apparently there was a mass shooting at the Gap.

There were a lot of casual tees.

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Two nuns are driving to midnight mass

Two nuns are driving to midnight mass when they stopped at a red light. A vampire jumped onto the bonnet, fangs bared, eyes glowing red, lusting for the blood of the two nuns. The mother superior who was sat in the passenger seat tells the initiate nun who is driving to step on the gas. Forward ...

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A farmer quickly purchased land in a low lying depression, and began raising donkeys there. He did so with skill, and the donkeys rarely got away.

In other words, he hauled ass to amass asses in a hole asset, whole-ass not half-ass, lassoed the asses so they wouldn't by pass the ass hole.

Ban weapons of mass dyslexia!

Before they start an unclear war.

Why didn't Donald Trump go to midnight Mass?

Fake pews

You know the difference between a woman attending Sunday morning mass and a woman taking a Friday night bath?

One has hope in her soul; the other has soap in her hole.

What do mass shootings and Catholic high schools have in common?

THOTs and prayers

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How do you know the Japanese mass murderer was a chef?

He spent his day cutting up vegetables

The Russians developed a very powerful weapon of mass destruction.

Or as they call him, “Agent Orange”.

Mass Murder

Man walks into a pub and the bartender says, "Not seen you in ages, where you been?"

"Was in the jail," replies the man.

"Sorry to hear that," says the bartender. "What did you do?"

"What do you mean?," says the man, "I was just visiting. My friend got convicted for a mass murde...

I asked this girl if she would date me.

She said that she left her accelerator mass spectrometer at home.

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