Why do Americans rarely tell jokes about mass shootings?

Because it’s always too soon.



^(i feel bad)

Jack goes to his buddy Bob and says ... "I'm sleeping with the priest's wife. Can you hold him in church for an hour after mass for me?"

The friend doesn't like it but being a buddy, he agrees. After mass,

Bob starts talking to the priest, asking him all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied. Finally the priest gets annoyed and asks him what he's really up to.

Bob feeling guilty, finally confesses to th...

Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight....

There will be mass confusion!

Why are there so many public mass shootings in America?

Because the schools are closed for summer vacation.

Whenever I hear about a mass shooting, the first thing I say is

Betty White

Two Americans are touring Europe, and are scheduled to arrive in France Sunday afternoon.

Two American men are touring Europe, and are scheduled to arrive in France Sunday afternoon. However, they arrived several hours early, and had little to do on Sunday morning while everything was closed.

"Well," one says to the other, pointing to a nearby Cathedral, "why don't we attend Mass?...

What's the difference between school shootings and mass shootings?

School shootings have more class.

As far as we know, the universe could have an infinite amount of mass.

Just like your mom.

Chemistry teacher: Did you know protons have mass?

Student: I didn't even know protons were Catholic.

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Mass shooting in Soviet Union, government blamed the Nazi. Mass shooting in Europe, government blamed terrorists.

Mass shooting in United States, government blamed video games.

I wasn't going to tell any jokes about mass shootings

But I figured I'd take a shot.

 

If a mass of beef fat is 'tallow', and mass of pig fat is 'lard', what is a mass of human fat called?

'American'.

Just kidding, it's actually called 'Yo Momma'.

Gravitational mass is identical to inertial mass.

That is, the amount of inertia something has and the amount of gravity it has are effectively the same. What's interesting is that there doesn't seem to be any reason this should be true. One could imagine a really large object with lots of resistance to force, and no gravity (or vice versa), but th...

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A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor for help.The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervious I take a sip."

So the next ...

What app defies the law of conservation of mass and matter

Instagram

A few days ago, a team of 200 scientists released the first ever image of a cosmic body with a mass 7 billion times that of the sun's, also known as

yo mama lmao

You're living, you occupy space and you have mass. Do you know what that means?

You matter.

What do you call Batman when he keeps skipping mass..?

Christian Bale.

What did the Arab leader drink every day to build muscle mass?

A protein sheikh.

A parishioner who only attends church on holidays is leaving church after Easter mass.

The preacher is standing at the door to shake hands. He grabs the parishioner by the hand and pulls him aside. “You need to join the Army of the Lord!” the pastor tells the parishioner.

The parishioner replies, “I’m already in the Army of the Lord, pastor.”

The pastor questions, “Then ...

Interesting fact: the sun makes up 99.86% of the solar system's mass!

The rest is your mama

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At the peak of the cold war the Russians started a project to mass produce war robots.

The plan was divided into 4 stages, in the first stage the scientists were tasked to perfect the technology of remotely controlling the robots.

The second stage was giving the robots a perfectly humanoid stucture and give them the ability to perfectly copy human actions.

T...

Humans have a great mass of blood vessels.

In fact, if you stretched them all into one long line,
the human would die.

Easter mass

Easter was was very traditional this year the priests and bishops came, the altar boys didn’t say anything, and when the service was over the priests went to a different church.

The supermassive black hole in the core of the Messier 87 galaxy measures 40 billion km across, three million times the size of the Earth, and has a mass 6.5 billion times that of the Sun.

Almost as big as your mom.

How do you measure the mass of a red hot chili pepper.

Give it a weigh. Give it a weigh. Give it a weigh now.

Traffic in New York seems like a mass break up

No one is moving on

Erections are a lot like mass murders in Australia

Both are blood down under

At a university exchange programme, an American student met a Syrian student.

“How are the things going on in your country right now?”

“Not good. We still don’t have proper medical facilities, there are plenty of homeless people, lots of religious fanatics and mass murders keep happening everyday.”

“The things aren’t that great here as well,” replied the Syrian ...

A Higgs Boson walks into a Catholic church

The Priest says " you can't be here!". The particle replies "you can't have mass without me ”

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Two nuns are driving to midnight mass

Two nuns are driving to midnight mass when they stopped at a red light. A vampire jumped onto the bonnet, fangs bared, eyes glowing red, lusting for the blood of the two nuns. The mother superior who was sat in the passenger seat tells the initiate nun who is driving to step on the gas. Forward ...

What do mass shootings and Catholic high schools have in common?

THOTs and prayers

What did the preacher say at the vegetable mass?

“Lettuce pray for peas on Earth.”

Then

“Why do I bother with puns, everyone here’s brain dead.”

Why didn't Donald Trump go to midnight Mass?

Fake pews

Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell in shock when he saw him.

Murphy had never stepped in Church his whole life.

After Mass, the priest caught up with Murphy and said, "Murphy, I'm so glad you decided to come to Mass, but I gotta ask, what made you come?"

Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you father, a while back, I misplaced me hat and I re...

Mass Murder

Man walks into a pub and the bartender says, "Not seen you in ages, where you been?"

"Was in the jail," replies the man.

"Sorry to hear that," says the bartender. "What did you do?"

"What do you mean?," says the man, "I was just visiting. My friend got convicted for a mass murde...

Einstein says that anything with mass can't go faster than the speed of light, but...

What if you aren't Catholic?

You know the difference between a woman attending Sunday morning mass and a woman taking a Friday night bath?

One has hope in her soul; the other has soap in her hole.

Ban weapons of mass dyslexia!

Before they start an unclear war.

The Russians developed a very powerful weapon of mass destruction.

Or as they call him, “Agent Orange”.

I once saw a priest get hit in the face by a perfume burner during mass.

The priest was incensed.

A chemistry professor posted a bonus question to an exam:

Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know ...

May the force be...

... Equal to Mass times Acceleration.

Apparently there was a mass shooting at the Gap.

There were a lot of casual tees.

Remember, no matter how down you're feeling, you matter

Unless you times your mass by the speed of light squared - then you energy

A priest was performing mass one Sunday...

A priest was performing mass one Sunday in his village in Poland when suddenly, in the middle of the service, he let one rip on accident. He was hoping that nobody heard it, but to his dismay, a wave of disgust fell on the faces of those in the congregation. After the service, he was berated by near...

A joke I heard at mass

A priest is baptizing a man. He dips him 3 times in water and says "Craig, from now on you will be known as Michael. From this day forth you are to shed your sinful ways and that includes no more gambling or alcohol"

The man later that day goes home and heads straight for the fridge. He then...

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How do you know the Japanese mass murderer was a chef?

He spent his day cutting up vegetables

Why aren't mass protests called weight protests?

The situation never has enough gravity to warrant it.

"Mr. Trump, have you changed your plans for mass deportation?"

"No, I have not. I will deport 11 million undocumented immigrants and two dogs."

"Why the two dogs?"

"See? Nobody cares about the immigrants!"

I think Americans are right to worry about immigrants

Because they might commit a mass shooting just to fit in with the culture.

I found a mass grave today, full of dead snowmen...

"Dave!" shouted my wife. "Come away from the pond!"

How do you measure the mass of God?

Yahweh it of course.

Dead Crows on the Mass Pike

Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone’s relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avi...

Mass Extinction

The Lunar Laser Ranging experiment has shown that the moon is moving away from the earth at a rate of about two centimeters a year. If you perform a regression you'd find that 65 million years ago, the moon must have been orbiting the earth at a height of about 20ft, which, if you think about it, ex...

Going to mass is basically just like a dog being trained

A guy tells you to sit and stand and sit and stand, and at the end they give you a snack

A Priest decides to skip mass in order to go golfing

He knows this is wrong, but he figures it's okay. He's performed mass for 30 years, and has been looking forward to golfing for ages. The weather is only good during mass hours, so he figures he deserves it, right? Another priest fills in as he claims he's sick.

As he is driving to the golf ...

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A priest lost his prized Rooster one day

He looked everywhere for it, but could not find it. The following Sunday, he made an announcement at mass:

"Anyone who has a cock, please stand up". All the men stood up

"No, no. Anyone who seen a cock stand up". Most of the congregation stood up

"No. Anyone who'd grabbed someon...

Aliens suckered humans into making mass temples

It was the first pyramid scheme

What has no mass?

An empty church.

Inspired by a church sign that read “Tell someone that they matter”

I pulled my daughter aside and said to her in my most sincere voice: “Unlike energy, you occupy space and possess rest mass.”

(Long) An Irish priest is in a bar the night before mass....

with his buddy, Patrick. The priest tells Patrick, "Me bicycle got stolen today, and bein this is such a small town, I don't wanna call the police and get someone in all kinds a trouble, but I need me bike back."

Patrick tells the priest that tomorrow during mass, since the entire town would ...

Judge Dredd (2012) is a Movie About a Mass Suicide.

Suicide by cop.

That's the difference between tech support and a mass shooter?

One is a troubleshooter, while the other is a troubled shooter.

What do you call popular mass storage?

Metabyte

Did you hear about the priest who was late for mass?

He got a little behind.

TIL that our sun accounts for about 99.86% of the total mass in our solar system.

I guess that means yo momma only accounts for about 00.12%.

Yo momma's so fat that objects 5 meters away accelerate at 1 m/s^2 toward her. What is yo momma's mass if G = 6.67x10^-11Nm^2/kg^2?

Please, someone help me, I can't solve it and it's making me nuts.

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Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee after Mass

The first Catholic man tells his friends, “My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him ‘Father’.”

The second Catholic man chirps, “My son is a Bishop, when he walks into a room people call him ‘Your Grace’.”

The third Catholic man says, “My son is a Cardinal. When...

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A young woman walks into a confessional

A beautiful young woman walks into a confessional, "Father, forgive me, for I have sinned, I made wild passionate love to a man after he told me I was special, and beautiful and the only one in the world for him"


The priest tsks, but remembering the follies of youth, lets her off easy "...

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If you're from Virginia, you're a Virginian. If you're from New York, you're a New Yorker. If you're from Texas, you're a Texan.

And if you're from Massachusetts, you're a Democrat.

Conservation of Female Mass and Energy:

Conservation of Female Mass and Energy: for every male action, there is a greater and definite female overreaction.

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