Why do Americans rarely tell jokes about mass shootings?

Because it’s always too soon.



^(i feel bad)

What do you call a mass murderer on a bike?

A Cyclepath.

Why are there so many public mass shootings in America?

Because the schools are closed for summer vacation.

What do you call Mass Confusion

Fathers Day in Detroit

You're living, you occupy space and you have mass. Do you know what that means?

You matter.

Jack goes to his buddy Bob and says ... "I'm sleeping with the priest's wife. Can you hold him in church for an hour after mass for me?"

The friend doesn't like it but being a buddy, he agrees. After mass,

Bob starts talking to the priest, asking him all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied. Finally the priest gets annoyed and asks him what he's really up to.

Bob feeling guilty, finally confesses to th...

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Mass shooting in Soviet Union, government blamed the Nazi. Mass shooting in Europe, government blamed terrorists.

Mass shooting in United States, government blamed video games.

I wasn't going to tell any jokes about mass shootings

But I figured I'd take a shot.

 

Chemistry teacher: Did you know protons have mass?

Student: I didn't even know protons were Catholic.

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Everyone Knows Dave

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"
"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave and ...

What's the difference between school shootings and mass shootings?

School shootings have more class.

What was internet medias' interpretation of the hawking effect and coronal mass ejections?

: "God rubbing one out".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor for help.The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervious I take a sip."

So the next ...

US: Iraq, I heard you have weapon of mass destruction!

iraq: No we don't?

\*US invades Iraq*

US: Syria, I heard you have weapon of mass destruction!

Syria: No we don't!

\*US invades Syria*

US: North Korea, I heard you have weapon of mass destruction!

North Korea: Yeah? What's up with that?

US: No.. nothin...

What sound did the gun make when the priest shot through two benches to kill a mass shooter?

PEW PEW

Whenever I hear about a mass shooting, the first thing I say is

Betty White

A few days ago, a team of 200 scientists released the first ever image of a cosmic body with a mass 7 billion times that of the sun's, also known as

yo mama lmao

What did the Arab leader drink every day to build muscle mass?

A protein sheikh.

Why do mass murderers get excited for halloween?

Because they get to carve something legally.

A woman who lived next door to a preacher was puzzled by his personality change in the pulpit.

At home he was shy, quiet and retiring but in the church he was a real fire and brimstone orator, rousing the masses in the name of God. It was as if he was two different people.
One day she asked him about the dramatic transformation that came over him when he preached.
"Ah," he said, "...

As far as we know, the universe could have an infinite amount of mass.

Just like your mom.

There once was a baby born with no arms. His parents put him on the church's stairs and vanished.

The local priest took him in and raised him, eventually giving him the job of ringing the bell for evening mass. So, each day, the child lined up from across the room and ran as fast as he could to hit the bell with his head.

One day, the priest ate a banana and left the peel lying by the bel...

Interesting fact: the sun makes up 99.86% of the solar system's mass!

The rest is your mama

If a mass of beef fat is 'tallow', and mass of pig fat is 'lard', what is a mass of human fat called?

'American'.

Just kidding, it's actually called 'Yo Momma'.

What app defies the law of conservation of mass and matter

Instagram

I asked this girl if she would date me.

She said that she left her accelerator mass spectrometer at home.

How do you measure the mass of a red hot chili pepper.

Give it a weigh. Give it a weigh. Give it a weigh now.

What did the preacher say at the vegetable mass?

“Lettuce pray for peas on Earth.”

Then

“Why do I bother with puns, everyone here’s brain dead.”

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At the peak of the cold war the Russians started a project to mass produce war robots.

The plan was divided into 4 stages, in the first stage the scientists were tasked to perfect the technology of remotely controlling the robots.

The second stage was giving the robots a perfectly humanoid stucture and give them the ability to perfectly copy human actions.

T...

Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight....

There will be mass confusion!

A parishioner who only attends church on holidays is leaving church after Easter mass.

The preacher is standing at the door to shake hands. He grabs the parishioner by the hand and pulls him aside. “You need to join the Army of the Lord!” the pastor tells the parishioner.

The parishioner replies, “I’m already in the Army of the Lord, pastor.”

The pastor questions, “Then ...

A chemistry professor posted a bonus question to an exam:

Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know ...

Apparently, Marx was right about religion being the opiate of the masses.

I just heard someone on the radio talking about mainlining Protestant churches.

Easter mass

Easter was was very traditional this year the priests and bishops came, the altar boys didn’t say anything, and when the service was over the priests went to a different church.

The supermassive black hole in the core of the Messier 87 galaxy measures 40 billion km across, three million times the size of the Earth, and has a mass 6.5 billion times that of the Sun.

Almost as big as your mom.

Traffic in New York seems like a mass break up

No one is moving on

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10 ISIS suicide bombers decided to blow up a building

"We must pick a building that will have a mass effect on western culture" the leader says. So they research all the popular websites they can find and have decided on the reddit headquarters.

"YES!!" Another exclaimed! "We can not only dismantle their social construct but we can all attack ...

Two Americans are touring Europe, and are scheduled to arrive in France Sunday afternoon.

Two American men are touring Europe, and are scheduled to arrive in France Sunday afternoon. However, they arrived several hours early, and had little to do on Sunday morning while everything was closed.

"Well," one says to the other, pointing to a nearby Cathedral, "why don't we attend Mass?...

A Mexican particle physicist was asked if he was ready to explain the neutrino in layman's terms or if he required more time.

He said "no mass".

Everyone is attractive.

It only depends on their mass and distance between you and the person.

Humans have a great mass of blood vessels.

In fact, if you stretched them all into one long line,
the human would die.

What’s worse than stubbing your toe?

Mass genocide

When can't Catholics travel at the speed of light?

When they have mass.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A priest lost his prized Rooster one day

He looked everywhere for it, but could not find it. The following Sunday, he made an announcement at mass:

"Anyone who has a cock, please stand up". All the men stood up

"No, no. Anyone who seen a cock stand up". Most of the congregation stood up

"No. Anyone who'd grabbed someon...

What kind of killer targets Catholic churches?

A mass murderer

Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell in shock when he saw him.

Murphy had never stepped in Church his whole life.

After Mass, the priest caught up with Murphy and said, "Murphy, I'm so glad you decided to come to Mass, but I gotta ask, what made you come?"

Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you father, a while back, I misplaced me hat and I re...

A Higgs boson walks into a church.

The priest says : Your kind is not welcome here.

Higgs boson: But without me you can’t have mass!

What do you call a public argument about NOFAP?

A mass-debate.

A rabbit walks into a pub...

A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman,
'Can I have a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie?'

The barman is amazed, but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie.

The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie. He then leaves.

The following ...

Why didn't Donald Trump go to midnight Mass?

Fake pews

Inspired by a church sign that read “Tell someone that they matter”

I pulled my daughter aside and said to her in my most sincere voice: “Unlike energy, you occupy space and possess rest mass.”

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A young woman walks into a confessional

A beautiful young woman walks into a confessional, "Father, forgive me, for I have sinned, I made wild passionate love to a man after he told me I was special, and beautiful and the only one in the world for him"


The priest tsks, but remembering the follies of youth, lets her off easy "...

Two boys

It's a freezing Sunday morning in December and a Nun is about to enter the back of the church when she sees 2 boys sitting on the back steps, shivering like crazy. She asks:

"Boys? Why are you out here sitting in this freezing weather?"

One of the boys replies:
"Because the Priest ...

Helium walks into a bar.

Or, rather than walks, floats; for helium, at room temperature, is a gas, and thus has no legs with which to walk, and, due to its lighter-than-air nature, does not sink to the ground. The bartender himself is confused, for not only is helium invisible to the naked eye in the absence of another obje...

The Boston debate team got arrested yesterday for indecent exposure...

They were all caught mass-debating with each other.

Einstein says that anything with mass can't go faster than the speed of light, but...

What if you aren't Catholic?

A knight and his footmen were holding a castle during a war.

One of the footmen guarding the gatehousse begins calling.

"SIRE, WE SEE A BATTALION IN THE DISTANCE"

The knight orders the men to defensive positions and rushes up the wall where the footman points at the indistinct and distant mass of men.

"What do you think? Friends or foe?" ...

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A farmer quickly purchased land in a low lying depression, and began raising donkeys there. He did so with skill, and the donkeys rarely got away.

In other words, he hauled ass to amass asses in a hole asset, whole-ass not half-ass, lassoed the asses so they wouldn't by pass the ass hole.

Mass Murder

Man walks into a pub and the bartender says, "Not seen you in ages, where you been?"

"Was in the jail," replies the man.

"Sorry to hear that," says the bartender. "What did you do?"

"What do you mean?," says the man, "I was just visiting. My friend got convicted for a mass murde...

Ban weapons of mass dyslexia!

Before they start an unclear war.

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What do Americans do in a group chat?

Mass shoot the shit

You know the difference between a woman attending Sunday morning mass and a woman taking a Friday night bath?

One has hope in her soul; the other has soap in her hole.

Did you hear about the guy who killed a group of catholic crows?

It was Mass murder

Have you ever seen a conga line of cars?

Neither had I, so I joined in to see where they were heading.

When we arrived at the graveyard I realized this may have been a cult gathering and decided to crash the party.

As the cult leader started his ritual prayer I unloaded my pistol into the air causing mass panic.

The cr...

The Russians developed a very powerful weapon of mass destruction.

Or as they call him, “Agent Orange”.

What do you call a Christian tumor?

A catholic mass.




Credit: BWB

Why hasn't America changed from lbs to kgs?

Because there would be mass confusion.

The day after violent video games became illegal...

...a school was flooded with lava in the world's first mass griefing.

A joke I heard at mass

A priest is baptizing a man. He dips him 3 times in water and says "Craig, from now on you will be known as Michael. From this day forth you are to shed your sinful ways and that includes no more gambling or alcohol"

The man later that day goes home and heads straight for the fridge. He then...

Did you hear about the drop in Amazon's stock?

It was caused by rumors of mass fires.

Eldarion, son of Aragorn, High King of the Reunited Kingdom, was bored.

In a time of peace, there was not much to do, and he was long tired of his jesters. So he called for all of his subordinates, and announced a new prestigious title to which all are given candidacy; the title of “Duke of the Best Joke”.

 

Not wanting to disappoint, Finance Mini...

Three paedophiles walk into a bar...

To buy red wine to do mass with.

I Joined the Debate Club.

The Mass Debate Club.

A Higgs-boson particle goes into a church.

The vicar says, "We don't want your sort in here!"
The Higgs-boson particle says
"But you can't have mass without me!"

I once saw a priest get hit in the face by a perfume burner during mass.

The priest was incensed.

Apparently there was a mass shooting at the Gap.

There were a lot of casual tees.

A priest was performing mass one Sunday...

A priest was performing mass one Sunday in his village in Poland when suddenly, in the middle of the service, he let one rip on accident. He was hoping that nobody heard it, but to his dismay, a wave of disgust fell on the faces of those in the congregation. After the service, he was berated by near...

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How do you know the Japanese mass murderer was a chef?

He spent his day cutting up vegetables

"Mr. Trump, have you changed your plans for mass deportation?"

"No, I have not. I will deport 11 million undocumented immigrants and two dogs."

"Why the two dogs?"

"See? Nobody cares about the immigrants!"

Trains

HE LOVED DRIVING TRAINS

In fact, it was his passion. Ever since he was a little boy, his dream was to drive trains. Soon after high school, he got an apprenticeship, and a little while later he got his train-driving liscence and started his career. Oh, the joy! He was having the best time of ...

How do you measure the mass of God?

Yahweh it of course.

How do fat people defy the laws of physics?

They have mass but they don’t matter.

There was a church that had a bell that no one could ring.

One day, a boy came and asked the priest if he could try. He went up into the tower and ran straight into the bell face-first. The bell tolled loud and clear. The priest gave him the job.
One Sunday, the boy ran straight toward the bell with his face and missed, so he fell off the tower and died....

Dead Crows on the Mass Pike

Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone’s relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avi...

Mass Extinction

The Lunar Laser Ranging experiment has shown that the moon is moving away from the earth at a rate of about two centimeters a year. If you perform a regression you'd find that 65 million years ago, the moon must have been orbiting the earth at a height of about 20ft, which, if you think about it, ex...

If a group of anti-vaxx kids play spin the bottle

Is it considered a mass suicide?

What is the state that has the most colds?

Mass-ACHOO-setts

Going to mass is basically just like a dog being trained

A guy tells you to sit and stand and sit and stand, and at the end they give you a snack

I found a mass grave today, full of dead snowmen...

"Dave!" shouted my wife. "Come away from the pond!"

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