This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You're living. You have mass. You occupy space. Do you know what that means?

You matter.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Navy Aircraft carrier and its entourage were traversing out at sea when they get a signal of an approaching mass.

They comm it and express for them to move out of their way they were on a mission of high importance. "Negative sir we cannot accommodate your request" The admiral quite taken aback exclaims that "Its not a request son, this is the United States Navy Aircraft carrier Ronald Reagan flanked by two nav...

How did President Bush know that Iraq had weapons of mass destruction?

Well he kept the receipts.

Yo momma's so fat that objects 5 meters away accelerate at 1 m/s^2 toward her. What is yo momma's mass if G = 6.67x10^-11Nm^2/kg^2?

Please, someone help me, I can't solve it and it's making me nuts.

Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight...

There would be mass confusion.

What do you call a serial killer that only kills fat people?

A mass murderer

A woman who lived next door to a preacher was puzzled by his personality change.At home he was shy, quiet and retiring, but in the church he was a real fire orator, rousing the masses in the name of God. It was as if he were two different people.

One day she asked him about the dramatic transformation that came over him when he preached.

“Ah,” he said, “That’s my altar ego.”

What is first prize in a competition to lose muscle mass?

a trophy.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Harley & The dishes (NSFW)

A guy named Joe heads into his local Harley Davidson dealership with a fistfull of dollars and starts looking for his dream motorbike. The dealer looks at Joe's choice and states that while Joe's choice in motorcycle was respectable, the older style Harleys not only held their value better, but in m...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guy goes to mass at St. Peter's Basilica...

Sitting opposite him in the front row are two hobos. Throughout the entire mass, the hobos are eating peanuts and dropping the shells on the floor.

The man is very angry at this, and decides he's going to give the hobos a piece of his mind after the mass is over.

However, at the concl...

During a mass, the pastor was teaching his congregation what a tithe was.

'Now, if you have a million dollars,' he asked the crowd, 'how many of you will give out one-tenth to the church?'

All but one raised their hands. Bemused, the pastor walked down towards the one who didn't.

'Why not, my child?' he asked, 'Isn't there nothing more joyous than giving bac...

It was on this day in 1978 that cult leader Jim Jones carried out a mass murder/suicide of over 900 of his followers in Jonestown, Guyana. Horrifying. There's a joke about it but it's wildly innappriopriate.

And anyway, the punchline's too long.

Einstein says that object with high mass distorts time.

I bet he was inspired by China's time zone system.

August 20, 2020: Scientists have discovered a "mystery object" in space. The object is equal to 2.6 solar masses.

March 1, 2021: (Update) Scientists have determined that the “mystery object” is made up of unmatched socks.

Why do Americans rarely tell jokes about mass shootings?

Because it’s always too soon.



^(i feel bad)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hilarious, subversive memo sent to 20,000 federal employees early in computer mass-messaging age

This memo was sent out to 20,000 federal employees in my agency in the early 1990s, when federal computer systems first got mass messaging. The first incarnation of this system allowed *any employee* to mass message. Some low-level employee sent this to all. Needless to say, the agency immediatel...

What's a mass murderer's favorite article of clothing?

Casual T's.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Best way to vaccinate the masses

Train all of the Amazon drivers to give it.
Everyone will have it by Saturday.
Thursday if you have Prime.

Protons have mass?

Never knew they were Catholic

Is Hell endothermic or exothermic?

The e-mail was on the weighty matter of the nature of hell, as allegedly posed by a Dr Robert Shambaugh of the University of Oklahoma school of chemical engineering. It purports to be a final exam question from May 1997.

His May 1997 question for his Momentum, Heat and Mass Transfer II class ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In Texas, close to the border with Mexico, there was a priest who hated Mexicans

That Sunday, after reading the Bible, the priest started his sermon:

"Today we'll reflect on Peter's lie about being a follower of Jesus. That night, Peter acted as a coward and a liar, just like these damn Mexicans we see every day in this town!"

The whole congregation started to shou...

What do you call a Catholic that argues in church?

A mass debater

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This is a traditional Scottish joke. I heard it from my dad, he heard it from his dad, and he had it shouted at him by a guy called Johnny Glue-bag

There was once a Russian wrestler with the stage name Ivan the Terrible. His name was well earned for every man who stepped into the ring with him would be killed. He had two infamous moves: the half pretzel which would cripple you for life and the full pretzel which would break your neck and kill y...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This is as good a day as any to post this old one...

An older catholic priest is sweeping up between the pews after mass when a very attractive scantily clad young woman rushes into the church. She is visibly upset as she runs up to the priest, holding her face in her hands and sobbing.

Although the priest noticed her ample physique and skim...

Repost of my favorite joke here: Everyone knows Dave

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, “You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them.”

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, “OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?”

“No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it.” So Dave ...

The local priest is tired of people telling him they cheated in confession

One Sunday near the end of mass he tells his congregation that he doesn’t like hearing people are cheating. He tells the church from now on refer to cheating as “slipping” in confession.

This goes on all spring and summer and when winter comes around the priest decided to retire. He forgot to...

God in a Parking Lot

A man is struggling to find a parking space. “Lord,” he prays. “I can’t stand this. If you open a space up for me, I swear I’ll give up the drink and go to mass every Sunday.”

Suddenly, the clouds part and the sun shines on an empty parking spot. Without hesitation, the man says: “Never mind,...

A Higgs Boson particle showed up at church one day. The priest yelled, “hey we don’t serve your kind here.”

The Higgs Boson particle said, “but you can’t have mass without me.”

Why don't Chinese people care about mass surveillance?

Because after the 1 child policy, nobody remembers what a big brother is, anyway.

News: Scientists have finally discovered Dark Matter doesn't exist.

Instead, your mother's mass has been keeping our galaxy together, and prevented the stars in it from being sent out into the infinite universe.

What do you call the mass murder of Rednecks?

The Hollercaust.

On the Mass Pike

Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 50 dead crows in and around greater Boston recently. There was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.

A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was defini...

I've heard a theory that the dinosaurs died out because their eggs became rotten.

It was a mass egg-stink-tion!

In the 15th century, the end of the plague was celebrated by mass orgies...

Anything similar being prepared for Covid? I'm asking for a friend...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man was taken to court by several people for spreading scandalous rumors about their sex lives

The judge asked the man, "Do you have anything to say in your defense?"

"Well your honor," responded the man. "I grew up on a very small land mass in the ocean and its just a part of our culture."

Not satisfied, the judge asked, "What culture could you possibly belong to that would lea...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The pastor's first mass

The young pastor was so nervous before his first mass that he could not speak a word. He asks the bishop for advice, and he tells him to pour two drops of vodka in a glass of water and drink it.

The young pastor does as advised and immediately felt so good that nothing could stop him.
<...

Jack goes to his buddy Bob and says ... "I'm sleeping with the priest's wife. Can you hold him in church for an hour after mass for me?"

The friend doesn't like it but being a buddy, he agrees. After mass,

Bob starts talking to the priest, asking him all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied. Finally the priest gets annoyed and asks him what he's really up to.

Bob feeling guilty, finally confesses to th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Niels Bohr: "So Let me get this straight. If I was having sex with my girlfriend and I thrust at the speed of light, would my penis gain infinite mass?"

Albert Einstein: "I suppose it would. One thing is for sure, you'd certainly create a black hole..."

With all this spare time on their hands people are going to start pursuing their passions. I wouldn't be surprised to sudden explosion in the arts, a renewal in scientific interest, and a mass proliferation of original content.

A coronaissance, if you will.

What ancient civilization wasn’t wiped out by a mass plague?

The Maskedonians

It’s almost midnight. I’ll leave.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Italian man and his grandson are sitting on a cliff overlooking a town...

"My boy, leta mea tell you something abouta life." says the aged man. "I havea been a Stonemason in thisa town for \*fiftya\* years. For fifty years I have broken my back to build these peoples walls and houses. When people see me do they call me "wall builder Guiseppe"? No, they do not.

"I ...

What was the farmer priest doing when he started gaining weight?

Cultivating Mass

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor for help. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervious I take a sip."

So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass he found the following note on his door:

Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.

There are 10 commandments, not 1...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"The body of Christ"

A "Wise guy" went to Church to partake of Holy Communion. When his turn came he got close to the priest and opened his mouth. The Priest placed the Holy Host on his tongue saying "The body of Christ" but at the same time released a silent but deadly fart caused by the lentil soup he had for dinner t...

I wont let the load of one small murder weigh me down...

... because I'm a mass murderer.

Why are there so many public mass shootings in America?

Because the schools are closed for summer vacation.

Once there was a tribe ruled by an evil witch doctor.

Whenever someone spoke up against his reign, he used his magic to turn them into an apple. One day, a small group of tribesmen had enough and decided to steal the witch doctor's magic spell book and turn him into an apple. However, the book said that if the mass of the apple ever changed too much, t...

Do priests who do mass without a bible...

Doing it priestyle?

What do you call the mass distribution of news and information regarding marijuana, as well as the demand for its legalisation?

Propaganja. Thank you. I'll let myself out.

Interesting fact: the sun makes up 99.86% of the solar system's mass!

The rest is your mama

Sin city we all know is Las Vegas, but do you know what Den city is?

Mass over volume.

How can you tell the US is getting back to normal after Covid19?

There's been two mass shootings in the past week

If a mass of beef fat is 'tallow', and mass of pig fat is 'lard', what is a mass of human fat called?

'American'.

Just kidding, it's actually called 'Yo Momma'.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A mass in the local church.

The priest goes, "Put your hands on your sick parts!"

An old man grabs his dick. And his wife goes, "Get that out of there! It's healing, not resurrection."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A priest is celebrating mass.

He begins with, "I was going to tell a vegetable joke, but I can't think of any, so lettuce pray."

A Higgs-Boson walks into a church, only to be stopped by a priest at the door. "I'm very sorry but we don't allow Higgs-Boson in here."

The Higgs-Boson then replies, "But without me, how will you have mass?"

People gathered in masses

To buy paper for their asses.

What did the preacher say at the vegetable mass?

“Lettuce pray for peas on Earth.”

Then

“Why do I bother with puns, everyone here’s brain dead.”

If mass and energy are the same thing,

how come the fatter you get, the lazier you become?

Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass!

I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!

A joke I heard at mass

A priest is baptizing a man. He dips him 3 times in water and says "Craig, from now on you will be known as Michael. From this day forth you are to shed your sinful ways and that includes no more gambling or alcohol"

The man later that day goes home and heads straight for the fridge. He then...

Which US state is the sneeziest?

Mass-atchoo-setts

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mass shooting in Soviet Union, government blamed the Nazi. Mass shooting in Europe, government blamed terrorists.

Mass shooting in United States, government blamed video games.

What would it be called if mass genocide were committed against Russians?

The alcoholocaust.

A few days ago, a team of 200 scientists released the first ever image of a cosmic body with a mass 7 billion times that of the sun's, also known as

yo mama lmao

Hope it ain't a repost.

Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. Murphy had never been seen in church in his life.
After Mass, the priest caught up with Murphy and said, "Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass, what made ya come?"
Murphy said, "I got to be honest w...

Apparently there was a mass shooting at the Gap.

There were a lot of casual tees.

I found a mass grave today, full of dead snowmen. "Dave…" shouted my wife.

"Come away from the pond."

I wasn't going to tell any jokes about mass shootings

But I figured I'd take a shot.

&nbsp;

A student tells a group of scientists that beryllium has a mass of 8

The german scientists shout “NIEN!!!’”

I don't trust a teacher who reviews every single piece of homework they give out

I think they're mass-grading as someone else.

People keep talking about black holes

I guess they have a lot of mass appeal.

Whenever I hear about a mass shooting, the first thing I say is

Betty White

What do you call Batman when he keeps skipping mass?

Christian Bale.

What do you call Mass Confusion

Fathers Day in Detroit

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you know the Japanese mass murderer was a chef?

He spent his day cutting up vegetables

How do you measure the mass of a red hot chili pepper.

Give it a weigh. Give it a weigh. Give it a weigh now.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why are there no churches in space?

Without gravity there can be no mass.

So I heard Australia just ordered a mass cull of over 5000 camels yesterday...

Wouldn't be the first time a drunk Aussie polished off a pack of camels in an afternoon.

Mass protests, the tension is mounting.

The cops are poising themselves, wacking their shields with their rubber sticks. The protesters are hurling rocks at the cops.

A cop says to his colleague: See that pudgy, well dressed old lady with the hat? That's my mother-in-law. Do not touch her. SHE'S MINE.

I used to be a mass murderer...

But then I got a vasectomy.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Oxford University researchers have discovered the densest element yet known to science.

The new element, Governmentium (symbol=Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.
These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like partic...

The Pope’s Christmas Mass

175 lbs

The Pope’s Post-Christmas Mass: 186 lbs

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

As far as we know, the universe could have an infinite amount of mass.

Just like your mom.

What's floating above a mass grave?

Team spirit

This Easter, the catholic church is sourcing all of it's bread and wine from a factory in China.

It's called mass production.

US: Iraq, I heard you have weapon of mass destruction!

iraq: No we don't?

\*US invades Iraq*

US: Syria, I heard you have weapon of mass destruction!

Syria: No we don't!

\*US invades Syria*

US: North Korea, I heard you have weapon of mass destruction!

North Korea: Yeah? What's up with that?

US: No.. nothin...

How do you measure the mass of God?

Yahweh it of course.

"Mr. Trump, have you changed your plans for mass deportation?"

"No, I have not. I will deport 11 million undocumented immigrants and two dogs."

"Why the two dogs?"

"See? Nobody cares about the immigrants!"

What sound did the gun make when the priest shot through two benches to kill a mass shooter?

PEW PEW

Apparently, Marx was right about religion being the opiate of the masses.

I just heard someone on the radio talking about mainlining Protestant churches.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between school shootings and mass shootings?

School shootings have more class.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two Catholic Priests...

Two Catholic Priests live on the opposite sides of town, and pass each other on their bikes on the way to Sunday Mass. One day, one of the priests was walking. So the other priest stopped.
"Father, where is your bike at?" "Well, I think it was stolen, and I don't know what to do."
The one prie...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How does a casual-catholic scientist collectively refer to Christmas and Easter church services?

Critical Mass.

{Ba-Dum-Tss}

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A hurricane is headed for a small town. The news says that everyone needs to evacuate. A religious man in the town says "I'm not going to leave my home, God will protect me".

The hurricane hits, and it's bad. There's mass flooding, and the police come to the man's door and tell him he needs to leave. The man says "I'm not afraid, God will protect me." The police give up and leave him.

The water rises in his house, so the man is forced to climb onto his roof. Just...

I joined a debate club today, when I arrived everyone was pleasuring themselves

They were mass debating.

Going to mass is basically just like a dog being trained

A guy tells you to sit and stand and sit and stand, and at the end they give you a snack

Ban weapons of mass dyslexia!

Before they start an unclear war.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

At the peak of the cold war the Russians started a project to mass produce war robots.

The plan was divided into 4 stages, in the first stage the scientists were tasked to perfect the technology of remotely controlling the robots.

The second stage was giving the robots a perfectly humanoid stucture and give them the ability to perfectly copy human actions.

T...

Einstein says that anything with mass can't go faster than the speed of light, but...

What if you aren't Catholic?

What did the Arab leader drink every day to build muscle mass?

A protein sheikh.

You know the difference between a woman attending Sunday morning mass and a woman taking a Friday night bath?

One has hope in her soul; the other has soap in her hole.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A parishioner who only attends church on holidays is leaving church after Easter mass.

The preacher is standing at the door to shake hands. He grabs the parishioner by the hand and pulls him aside. “You need to join the Army of the Lord!” the pastor tells the parishioner.

The parishioner replies, “I’m already in the Army of the Lord, pastor.”

The pastor questions, “Then ...

“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free.”

"Some, I assume, are good people"

A guy was getting ready to tee off on the first hole...

...when a second golfer approached and asked if he could join him. The first golfer said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome.

They were even after the first two holes. The second guy said, "We're about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?"

...

What do you call a zombie sleepover?

A mass grave

The Russians developed a very powerful weapon of mass destruction.

Or as they call him, “Agent Orange”.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.