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A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor for help. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervious I take a sip."

So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass he found the following note on his door:

Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.

There are 10 commandments, not 1...

Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight...

There would be mass confusion.

Do you know what really floats my boat?

The mass of the boat being less than the mass of water which it displaces.

Interesting fact: the sun makes up 99.86% of the solar system's mass!

The rest is your mama

At a university exchange programme, an American student met a Syrian student.

“How are the things going on in your country right now?”

“Not good. We still don’t have proper medical facilities, there are plenty of homeless people, lots of religious fanatics and mass murders keep happening everyday.”

“The things aren’t that great here as well,” replied the Syrian ...

Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?

Me: I didn't even know they were catholics

Why didn't Donald Trump go to midnight Mass?

Fake pews

A Higgs Boson walks into a Catholic church

The Priest says " you can't be here!". The particle replies "you can't have mass without me ”

Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell in shock when he saw him.

Murphy had never stepped in Church his whole life.

After Mass, the priest caught up with Murphy and said, "Murphy, I'm so glad you decided to come to Mass, but I gotta ask, what made you come?"

Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you father, a while back, I misplaced me hat and I re...

What did the preacher say at the vegetable mass?

“Lettuce pray for peas on Earth.”

Then

“Why do I bother with puns, everyone here’s brain dead.”

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Wanna know what mass confusion is?

Three blind lesbians in a fish market

Einstein says that anything with mass can't go faster than the speed of light, but...

What if you aren't Catholic?

Einstein said that anything traveling at the speed of light would have infinite mass.

Your mom only travels to the Denny's and back and she's gotten pretty close.

You know the difference between a woman attending Sunday morning mass and a woman taking a Friday night bath?

One has hope in her soul; the other has soap in her hole.

Ban weapons of mass dyslexia!

Before they start an unclear war.

The Russians developed a very powerful weapon of mass destruction.

Or as they call him, “Agent Orange”.

I once saw a priest get hit in the face by a perfume burner during mass.

The priest was incensed.

Mass Murder

Man walks into a pub and the bartender says, "Not seen you in ages, where you been?"

"Was in the jail," replies the man.

"Sorry to hear that," says the bartender. "What did you do?"

"What do you mean?," says the man, "I was just visiting. My friend got convicted for a mass murde...

Remember, no matter how down you're feeling, you matter

Unless you times your mass by the speed of light squared - then you energy

A priest was performing mass one Sunday...

A priest was performing mass one Sunday in his village in Poland when suddenly, in the middle of the service, he let one rip on accident. He was hoping that nobody heard it, but to his dismay, a wave of disgust fell on the faces of those in the congregation. After the service, he was berated by near...

My brother wanted me to go over the thumb rules of escaping a mass shooting..

- Clear out a particular chunk of the crowd,
- Shoot yourself in the foot
- Drop the gun and mix with the crowd.

Mass Extinction

The Lunar Laser Ranging experiment has shown that the moon is moving away from the earth at a rate of about two centimeters a year. If you perform a regression you'd find that 65 million years ago, the moon must have been orbiting the earth at a height of about 20ft, which, if you think about it, ex...

I found a mass grave today, full of dead snowmen...

"Dave!" shouted my wife. "Come away from the pond!"

May the force be...

... Equal to Mass times Acceleration.

Why aren't mass protests called weight protests?

The situation never has enough gravity to warrant it.

A joke I heard at mass

A priest is baptizing a man. He dips him 3 times in water and says "Craig, from now on you will be known as Michael. From this day forth you are to shed your sinful ways and that includes no more gambling or alcohol"

The man later that day goes home and heads straight for the fridge. He then...

Aliens suckered humans into making mass temples

It was the first pyramid scheme

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How do you know the Japanese mass murderer was a chef?

He spent his day cutting up vegetables

I think Americans are right to worry about immigrants

Because they might commit a mass shooting just to fit in with the culture.

"Mr. Trump, have you changed your plans for mass deportation?"

"No, I have not. I will deport 11 million undocumented immigrants and two dogs."

"Why the two dogs?"

"See? Nobody cares about the immigrants!"

A Priest decides to skip mass in order to go golfing

He knows this is wrong, but he figures it's okay. He's performed mass for 30 years, and has been looking forward to golfing for ages. The weather is only good during mass hours, so he figures he deserves it, right? Another priest fills in as he claims he's sick.

As he is driving to the golf ...

Apparently there was a mass shooting at the Gap.

There were a lot of casual tees.

Dead Crows on the Mass Pike

Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone’s relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avi...

How do you measure the mass of God?

Yahweh it of course.

Going to mass is basically just like a dog being trained

A guy tells you to sit and stand and sit and stand, and at the end they give you a snack

Judge Dredd (2012) is a Movie About a Mass Suicide.

Suicide by cop.

What has no mass?

An empty church.

What do you call popular mass storage?

Metabyte

A priest, a pastor and a rabbi walk into a bar.

A priest, a pastor and a rabbi walk into a bar and soon begin arguing over who’s the best at what they do.

Eventually they decide that in order to prove who’s the best, they would all go out alone into the woods and convert a bear to their respective religion.

A few weeks later.. they ...

(Long) An Irish priest is in a bar the night before mass....

with his buddy, Patrick. The priest tells Patrick, "Me bicycle got stolen today, and bein this is such a small town, I don't wanna call the police and get someone in all kinds a trouble, but I need me bike back."

Patrick tells the priest that tomorrow during mass, since the entire town would ...

How do you find the mass of a Chilli Pepper?

Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now!

If you're from Virginia, you're a Virginian. If you're from New York, you're a New Yorker. If you're from Texas, you're a Texan.

And if you're from Massachusetts, you're a Democrat.

Heard at Mass today that the government is providing scholarships to students who'd like to attend religious institutions...

Someone Alert the Masses!

Why did the black hole get arrested

It commited mass murder

That's the difference between tech support and a mass shooter?

One is a troubleshooter, while the other is a troubled shooter.

NSFW - Priest's wife

Jack goes to his buddy Bob and says ... "I'm sleeping with the priest's wife. Can you hold him in church for an hour after mass for me?" The friend doesn't like it but being a buddy, he agrees. After mass,

Bob starts talking to the priest, asking him all sorts of stupid questions, just to ke...

A priest is giving a nun a ride home after mass one day...

As they come to a stoplight the priest rests his hand on the nuns knee. The nun says "Father remember Luke 14:10", and the priest removes his hand from her knee. A little while later they come to a stop again and he places his hand on her thigh, she again says "Father remember Luke 14:10", he quickl...

Yo momma's so fat that objects 5 meters away accelerate at 1 m/s^2 toward her. What is yo momma's mass if G = 6.67x10^-11Nm^2/kg^2?

Please, someone help me, I can't solve it and it's making me nuts.

Why isn't NSA mass surveillance a hot topic in the US elections?

Because it's the only part of the govt that listens to the American people.

A priest, a swami, and a rabbi...

A priest, a swami, and a rabbi were arguing as to who were the best at their job. So they decided to go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it to their respective religion. After several hours, they met up again at a local disco to share the result of their venture.

The priest...

How much is twelve units of mass?

Dozen matter.

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Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee after Mass

The first Catholic man tells his friends, “My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him ‘Father’.”

The second Catholic man chirps, “My son is a Bishop, when he walks into a room people call him ‘Your Grace’.”

The third Catholic man says, “My son is a Cardinal. When...

Popular Memes are like Mass Shootings

People won't stop talking about them until something until another one comes along.

Greenpeace have come up with a new name for shrimp hunting, claiming it's the same as mass murder.

They're calling it columbrine

People of USA are fed up of the current Presidential candidates and decided to hold a mass boycott

As Americans hated all the candidates so much, that no one voted. The government is in a panic, trying to figure out what to do to decide who the next president will be. Finally, Barack Obama comes up with an idea: A literal presidential race.

The three candidates would run a lap around the ...

What do you call a sick smoker attending the catholic mass ?

Winston™ Church-ill

I met my town's bishop at Easter mass today but I think he might be an imposter...

... he didn't move diagonally

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My priest got mad at me for drawing a risque woman showing her butt on a stained window, but thankfully he let me off with a warning.

Looks like I got a crass glass lass ass mass pass.

Whattaya call someone who seems to have an almost fetishistic obsession with stomping into a comments section, saying something absolutely horrible, and spending the rest of the day slapfighting with whole threads of people calling them an idiot?

A compulsive mass debater.

When to stop saying happy new year

My manager asked me when he should stop saying happy new year. My immediate response was, "Probably after the next mass shooting."

I told my friend that I disproved the theory of conservation of mass,

But he didn't understand the weight of the situation.

Yesterday at the gym I was looking at the Height/Body Mass index

Apparently I'm 4 inches too short

Today I said to my 7 yr old daughter - there are only two things in the universe mass and energy, do you know what the difference between mass and energy is? She jumped off of her chair and said yes!....

You are mass and I am energy, she said pointing at my belly and laughing...

I think she'll be alright, I have a feeling.

Have you heard of the object without mass?

It doesn't matter

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Billy was just diagnosed with terminal cancer. The doctor gave him 3 weeks to live. Billy came home and called his young son upstairs. With a heavy voice, Billy said “I have cancer and I only have 3 weeks left to live. It is in our family’s tradition to drink ourselves out in such events.”

The son cried briefly and the two went to their favorite pub and drowned themselves in alcohol.

Billy’s workmates suddenly showed up and noticed the mass amount of empty pints on the table and asked what’s the occasion. Billy answered while sobbing “I have a bad case of AIDS and herpes. The d...

Why did the physicist at the Hadron Collider get thrown in jail?

Because he was a mass murderer

Photons don't have mass.

Does that mean that the light of God doesn't go to church?

After months of detective work, police have uncovered the bodies of a number of missing persons...

These bodies which number in the dozens, were buried in the backyard of a suspected mass murderer. Upon investigation, the police found a series of mass graves. These holes had been dug up by the alleged killer, and contained dismembered body parts, including torsos, extremities, and decapitated hea...

Stop chicken mass production...

You're making them eggs-hausted!