I once overheard two physicists debating over the mass of subatomic particles..

They were mass-debating

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A woman was running late for Sunday mass.

As she ran up the church steps, she tripped and fell...her dress came up and her hat flew off. She stood up, put on her hat and started straightening out her dress when she saw a priest standing at the door,

"Excuse Father Ryan, is mass out?" she asked

The priest looked at her and sa...

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You're living. You have mass. You occupy space. Do you know what that means?

You matter.

A man is struggling to find a parking space. “Lord,” he prays. “I can’t stand this. If you open a space up for me, I swear I’ll give up the drink and go to mass every Sunday."

Suddenly, the clouds part and the sun shines on an empty parking spot.

Without hesitation, the man says: “Never mind, I found one!”

When I was younger one of my favorite jokes to tell was about a 4,000 lb. elephant. I tried to convert it to metric to share with the rest of the world.

But, it never got a laugh. Just these looks of mass confusion.

It was on this day in 1978 that cult leader Jim Jones carried out a mass murder/suicide of over 900 of his followers in Jonestown, Guyana. Horrifying. There's a joke about it but it's wildly innappriopriate.

And anyway, the punchline's too long.

A woman who lived next door to a preacher was puzzled by his personality change.At home he was shy, quiet and retiring, but in the church he was a real fire orator, rousing the masses in the name of God. It was as if he were two different people.

One day she asked him about the dramatic transformation that came over him when he preached.

“Ah,” he said, “That’s my altar ego.”

What do you call a tea without mass?

Empty

What do you give the mass murderer who cured cancer?

The no-bail prize

Yo momma's so fat that objects 5 meters away accelerate at 1 m/s^2 toward her. What is yo momma's mass if G = 6.67x10^-11Nm^2/kg^2?

Please, someone help me, I can't solve it and it's making me nuts.

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A Navy Aircraft carrier and its entourage were traversing out at sea when they get a signal of an approaching mass.

They comm it and express for them to move out of their way they were on a mission of high importance. "Negative sir we cannot accommodate your request" The admiral quite taken aback exclaims that "Its not a request son, this is the United States Navy Aircraft carrier Ronald Reagan flanked by two nav...

How did President Bush know that Iraq had weapons of mass destruction?

Well he kept the receipts.

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My favorite joke I’ve ever read on Reddit, one of the first I’ve ever read here too: Everyone Knows Dave

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"

"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave ...

What is first prize in a competition to lose muscle mass?

a trophy.

A boy selling newspapers on the street

Keeps walking around the streets with newspapers while waving one around and shouting: Mass fraud! Mass fraud! One hundred people have been fooled! Mass fraud! One hundred people have been fooled!

One guy quickly runs to the boy and buys a newspaper. as soon as he has it in his hand he starts...

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Guy goes to mass at St. Peter's Basilica...

Sitting opposite him in the front row are two hobos. Throughout the entire mass, the hobos are eating peanuts and dropping the shells on the floor.

The man is very angry at this, and decides he's going to give the hobos a piece of his mind after the mass is over.

However, at the concl...

Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight...

There would be mass confusion.

Why do Americans rarely tell jokes about mass shootings?

Because it’s always too soon.



^(i feel bad)

What do you call a serial killer that only kills fat people?

A mass murderer

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The Harley & The dishes (NSFW)

A guy named Joe heads into his local Harley Davidson dealership with a fistfull of dollars and starts looking for his dream motorbike. The dealer looks at Joe's choice and states that while Joe's choice in motorcycle was respectable, the older style Harleys not only held their value better, but in m...

August 20, 2020: Scientists have discovered a "mystery object" in space. The object is equal to 2.6 solar masses.

March 1, 2021: (Update) Scientists have determined that the “mystery object” is made up of unmatched socks.

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I was asked to participate in a debate in front of a large crowd of people about the pros and cons of masturbation.

I showed up totally unprepared, as I’ve never been much of a mass debater.

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Hilarious, subversive memo sent to 20,000 federal employees early in computer mass-messaging age

This memo was sent out to 20,000 federal employees in my agency in the early 1990s, when federal computer systems first got mass messaging. The first incarnation of this system allowed *any employee* to mass message. Some low-level employee sent this to all. Needless to say, the agency immediatel...

What's a mass murderer's favorite article of clothing?

Casual T's.

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A man’s dog dies

A man’s dog dies, he had been his only companion for years.

So he goes to the nearest Catholic Church and asks for a funeral mass.

The priest said my son I can’t give a mass for a dog. The pope would excommunicate me!

The man replies he’s been my companion for 18 years. I saw th...

I hate when people blame video games for mass shooting

Like what am I gonna do shoot up the school with a copy of doom

Protons have mass?

Never knew they were Catholic

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Best way to vaccinate the masses

Train all of the Amazon drivers to give it.
Everyone will have it by Saturday.
Thursday if you have Prime.

Jack goes to his buddy Bob and says ... "I'm sleeping with the priest's wife. Can you hold him in church for an hour after mass for me?"

The friend doesn't like it but being a buddy, he agrees. After mass,

Bob starts talking to the priest, asking him all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied. Finally the priest gets annoyed and asks him what he's really up to.

Bob feeling guilty, finally confesses to th...

The new priest

A new priest was nervous before his first sermon, so the monseigneur told him to have a bit of a drink before mass to take off the edge.

The new priest took the advice. After the sermon he returned to the rectory to find a note. It read:

Good sermon today, but a few small points:
<...

What do you call the mass murder of Rednecks?

The Hollercaust.

Did you hear about the priest who went mad and poisoned the wine at church?

He was tried for mass murder

Why don't Chinese people care about mass surveillance?

Because after the 1 child policy, nobody remembers what a big brother is, anyway.

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Is Hell Exothermic or Endothermic?

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term:

"Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Support your answer with a proof."

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law (gas cools off when it...

On the Mass Pike

Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 50 dead crows in and around greater Boston recently. There was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.

A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was defini...

With all this spare time on their hands people are going to start pursuing their passions. I wouldn't be surprised to sudden explosion in the arts, a renewal in scientific interest, and a mass proliferation of original content.

A coronaissance, if you will.

In the 15th century, the end of the plague was celebrated by mass orgies...

Anything similar being prepared for Covid? I'm asking for a friend...

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The pastor's first mass

The young pastor was so nervous before his first mass that he could not speak a word. He asks the bishop for advice, and he tells him to pour two drops of vodka in a glass of water and drink it.

The young pastor does as advised and immediately felt so good that nothing could stop him.
<...

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Niels Bohr: "So Let me get this straight. If I was having sex with my girlfriend and I thrust at the speed of light, would my penis gain infinite mass?"

Albert Einstein: "I suppose it would. One thing is for sure, you'd certainly create a black hole..."

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In Texas, close to the border with Mexico, there was a priest who hated Mexicans

That Sunday, after reading the Bible, the priest started his sermon:

"Today we'll reflect on Peter's lie about being a follower of Jesus. That night, Peter acted as a coward and a liar, just like these damn Mexicans we see every day in this town!"

The whole congregation started to shou...

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Two beggars

It is Easter Sunday in front of Saint Sophia’s Cathedral in Constantinople sometime during the Crusades.

Two beggars are sitting in front of the cathedral.

One is wearing a tattered suit of armor and is covered in bandages. In front of him is a sign: “Give Alms to a poor Crusader who ...

Poor Creature

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day, the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, me dog is dead. Could ya be saying a mass for the poor creature?" Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not. We cannot have services for an ani...

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A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor for help. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervious I take a sip."

So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass he found the following note on his door:

Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.

There are 10 commandments, not 1...

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This is as good a day as any to post this old one...

An older catholic priest is sweeping up between the pews after mass when a very attractive scantily clad young woman rushes into the church. She is visibly upset as she runs up to the priest, holding her face in her hands and sobbing.

Although the priest noticed her ample physique and skim...

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This is a traditional Scottish joke. I heard it from my dad, he heard it from his dad, and he had it shouted at him by a guy called Johnny Glue-bag

There was once a Russian wrestler with the stage name Ivan the Terrible. His name was well earned for every man who stepped into the ring with him would be killed. He had two infamous moves: the half pretzel which would cripple you for life and the full pretzel which would break your neck and kill y...

What ancient civilization wasn’t wiped out by a mass plague?

The Maskedonians

It’s almost midnight. I’ll leave.

What do you call the mass distribution of news and information regarding marijuana, as well as the demand for its legalisation?

Propaganja. Thank you. I'll let myself out.

Why are there so many public mass shootings in America?

Because the schools are closed for summer vacation.

If a mass of beef fat is 'tallow', and mass of pig fat is 'lard', what is a mass of human fat called?

'American'.

Just kidding, it's actually called 'Yo Momma'.

The local priest is tired of people telling him they cheated in confession

One Sunday near the end of mass he tells his congregation that he doesn’t like hearing people are cheating. He tells the church from now on refer to cheating as “slipping” in confession.

This goes on all spring and summer and when winter comes around the priest decided to retire. He forgot to...

What do you call a Catholic that argues in church?

A mass debater

A Higgs Boson particle showed up at church one day. The priest yelled, “hey we don’t serve your kind here.”

The Higgs Boson particle said, “but you can’t have mass without me.”

I've heard a theory that the dinosaurs died out because their eggs became rotten.

It was a mass egg-stink-tion!

Interesting fact: the sun makes up 99.86% of the solar system's mass!

The rest is your mama

Do priests who do mass without a bible...

Doing it priestyle?

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A man was taken to court by several people for spreading scandalous rumors about their sex lives

The judge asked the man, "Do you have anything to say in your defense?"

"Well your honor," responded the man. "I grew up on a very small land mass in the ocean and its just a part of our culture."

Not satisfied, the judge asked, "What culture could you possibly belong to that would lea...

Sin city we all know is Las Vegas, but do you know what Den city is?

Mass over volume.

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A mass in the local church.

The priest goes, "Put your hands on your sick parts!"

An old man grabs his dick. And his wife goes, "Get that out of there! It's healing, not resurrection."

A joke I heard at mass

A priest is baptizing a man. He dips him 3 times in water and says "Craig, from now on you will be known as Michael. From this day forth you are to shed your sinful ways and that includes no more gambling or alcohol"

The man later that day goes home and heads straight for the fridge. He then...

What did the preacher say at the vegetable mass?

“Lettuce pray for peas on Earth.”

Then

“Why do I bother with puns, everyone here’s brain dead.”

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A priest is celebrating mass.

He begins with, "I was going to tell a vegetable joke, but I can't think of any, so lettuce pray."

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An Italian man and his grandson are sitting on a cliff overlooking a town...

"My boy, leta mea tell you something abouta life." says the aged man. "I havea been a Stonemason in thisa town for \*fiftya\* years. For fifty years I have broken my back to build these peoples walls and houses. When people see me do they call me "wall builder Guiseppe"? No, they do not.

"I ...

People gathered in masses

To buy paper for their asses.

If mass and energy are the same thing,

how come the fatter you get, the lazier you become?

Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass!

I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!

Apparently there was a mass shooting at the Gap.

There were a lot of casual tees.

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Mass shooting in Soviet Union, government blamed the Nazi. Mass shooting in Europe, government blamed terrorists.

Mass shooting in United States, government blamed video games.

How can you tell the US is getting back to normal after Covid19?

There's been two mass shootings in the past week

A few days ago, a team of 200 scientists released the first ever image of a cosmic body with a mass 7 billion times that of the sun's, also known as

yo mama lmao

What would it be called if mass genocide were committed against Russians?

The alcoholocaust.

I wont let the load of one small murder weigh me down...

... because I'm a mass murderer.

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How do you know the Japanese mass murderer was a chef?

He spent his day cutting up vegetables

What was the farmer priest doing when he started gaining weight?

Cultivating Mass

I wasn't going to tell any jokes about mass shootings

But I figured I'd take a shot.

&nbsp;

I found a mass grave today, full of dead snowmen. "Dave…" shouted my wife.

"Come away from the pond."

How do you measure the mass of a red hot chili pepper.

Give it a weigh. Give it a weigh. Give it a weigh now.

Whenever I hear about a mass shooting, the first thing I say is

Betty White

What do you call Mass Confusion

Fathers Day in Detroit

How do you measure the mass of God?

Yahweh it of course.

What do you call Batman when he keeps skipping mass?

Christian Bale.

"Mr. Trump, have you changed your plans for mass deportation?"

"No, I have not. I will deport 11 million undocumented immigrants and two dogs."

"Why the two dogs?"

"See? Nobody cares about the immigrants!"

Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell in shock when he saw him.

Murphy had never stepped in Church his whole life.

After Mass, the priest caught up with Murphy and said, "Murphy, I'm so glad you decided to come to Mass, but I gotta ask, what made you come?"

Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you father, a while back, I misplaced me hat and I re...

A Higgs-Boson walks into a church, only to be stopped by a priest at the door. "I'm very sorry but we don't allow Higgs-Boson in here."

The Higgs-Boson then replies, "But without me, how will you have mass?"

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As far as we know, the universe could have an infinite amount of mass.

Just like your mom.

So I heard Australia just ordered a mass cull of over 5000 camels yesterday...

Wouldn't be the first time a drunk Aussie polished off a pack of camels in an afternoon.

Mass protests, the tension is mounting.

The cops are poising themselves, wacking their shields with their rubber sticks. The protesters are hurling rocks at the cops.

A cop says to his colleague: See that pudgy, well dressed old lady with the hat? That's my mother-in-law. Do not touch her. SHE'S MINE.

I used to be a mass murderer...

But then I got a vasectomy.

What's floating above a mass grave?

Team spirit

The Pope’s Christmas Mass

175 lbs

The Pope’s Post-Christmas Mass: 186 lbs

US: Iraq, I heard you have weapon of mass destruction!

iraq: No we don't?

\*US invades Iraq*

US: Syria, I heard you have weapon of mass destruction!

Syria: No we don't!

\*US invades Syria*

US: North Korea, I heard you have weapon of mass destruction!

North Korea: Yeah? What's up with that?

US: No.. nothin...

Apparently, Marx was right about religion being the opiate of the masses.

I just heard someone on the radio talking about mainlining Protestant churches.

Going to mass is basically just like a dog being trained

A guy tells you to sit and stand and sit and stand, and at the end they give you a snack

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My Uncle just said to me, “All these mass shooting are happening because kids these days are so self entitled.”

I said, “Why? Because they want to keep all the bullets?”

Seriously, Fuck Him.

What sound did the gun make when the priest shot through two benches to kill a mass shooter?

PEW PEW

Which US state is the sneeziest?

Mass-atchoo-setts

Ban weapons of mass dyslexia!

Before they start an unclear war.

Einstein says that anything with mass can't go faster than the speed of light, but...

What if you aren't Catholic?

“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free.”

"Some, I assume, are good people"

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