UPJOKE

### Why do Americans rarely tell jokes about mass shootings?

Because it’s always too soon.

### Yo momma's so fat that objects 5 meters away accelerate at 1 m/s^2 toward her. What is yo momma's mass if G = 6.67x10^-11Nm^2/kg^2?

Please, someone help me, I can't solve it and it's making me nuts.

### During Mass, an elderly woman said into her husband's ear:

"I've just had a quiet fart, act like it's nothing..."

Her husband replied: "I'm not going to do anything now, but in the end we're going to buy new batteries for your hearing aid."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You matter.

### A joke I heard at mass

A priest is baptizing a man. He dips him 3 times in water and says "Craig, from now on you will be known as Michael. From this day forth you are to shed your sinful ways and that includes no more gambling or alcohol"

The man later that day goes home and heads straight for the fridge. He then...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### Physics teacher: "Did you know protons have mass?"

Student: "Fuck, no -- I didn't even know they were Catholic!"

### If a mass of beef fat is 'tallow', and mass of pig fat is 'lard', what is a mass of human fat called?

'American'.

Just kidding, it's actually called 'Yo Momma'.

### A buxom topless dancer went to Mass dressed in her work clothes

The priest stopped her at the door and said “Miss, you can’t go in there like that” She said, “But Father, don’t I have a divine right?!” Father said, “You have a divine left, too, but you can’t take Mass here without a head covering.”

### Apparently there was a mass shooting at the Gap.

There were a lot of casual tees.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### [NSFW] Two Nuns Are Having a Whispered Conversation During Mass

Sister Enid: "You've been praying rather fervently of late. Is anything the matter?

Sister Agatha: Yes, I've developed an embarrassing medical condition.

Sister Enid: What sort of condition?

Sister Agatha: Well, every time I sneeze I have a mind blowing orgasm.

Sister Eni...

### How do you determine the mass of a chilli pepper?

You give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh, now.

### It was on this day in 1978 that cult leader Jim Jones carried out a mass murder/suicide of over 900 of his followers in Jonestown, Guyana. Horrifying. There's a joke about it but it's wildly innappriopriate.

And anyway, the punchline's too long.

### "Photons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic!"

Just kidding, that's a really silly joke. Obviously photons aren't really Catholic. They're Hindu Ascetics. You know, cause they're always traveling light.

### Jack goes to his buddy Bob and says ... "I'm sleeping with the priest's wife. Can you hold him in church for an hour after mass for me?"

The friend doesn't like it but being a buddy, he agrees. After mass,

Bob starts talking to the priest, asking him all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied. Finally the priest gets annoyed and asks him what he's really up to.

Bob feeling guilty, finally confesses to th...

### Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight.

There would be mass confusion.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### How do you know the Japanese mass murderer was a chef?

He spent his day cutting up vegetables

### I'm just glad Eminem will never be a mass shooter

He only gets one shot

### How do you measure the mass of God?

Yahweh it of course.

### Did you hear about the mass murderer who moonlighted as a model

He had the face of a 20-year-old, then a 35-year-old, then a 16-year-old...

### "Mr. Trump, have you changed your plans for mass deportation?"

"No, I have not. I will deport 11 million undocumented immigrants and two dogs."

"Why the two dogs?"

"See? Nobody cares about the immigrants!"

### I meet a bishop at Good Friday mass today, but I’m a little suspicious.

He wasn’t moving diagonally.

### A woman who lived next door to a preacher was puzzled by his personality change.At home he was shy, quiet and retiring, but in the church he was a real fire orator, rousing the masses in the name of God. It was as if he were two different people.

One day she asked him about the dramatic transformation that came over him when he preached.

“Ah,” he said, “That’s my altar ego.”

### Why is gravity so cheap?

It's mass-produced

### What is first prize in a competition to lose muscle mass?

a trophy.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### A woman was running late for Sunday mass.

As she ran up the church steps, she tripped and fell...her dress came up and her hat flew off. She stood up, put on her hat and started straightening out her dress when she saw a priest standing at the door,

"Excuse Father Ryan, is mass out?" she asked

The priest looked at her and sa...

### What did the preacher say at the vegetable mass?

“Lettuce pray for peas on Earth.”

Then

“Why do I bother with puns, everyone here’s brain dead.”

### There will be a mass meeting of the debating society this evening.

All mass debaters are invited to attend.

### Dead Crows on the Mass Pike

Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone’s relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avi...

### Proud my girlfriend refers to my junk as a weapon of mass destruction

Unfortunately she meant hard to find.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### A man goes to ask the great guru, "Which is better, large breasts or small breasts?"

The great guru asks him "How much money do you have in bills in your wallet?"

The man quickly counts the money. "Thirty dollars."

"And if you had thirty dollars in coins," said the guru, "which would have the greater mass- the coins or the bills?"

"The coins of course."

"...

### Police were called to the scene of a suspected mass grave of snowmen

upon further investigation, it was determined to be a carrot patch

### Did you hear about the mass shooting at the circus?

A dyslexic clowns got confused about the 2nd Amendment and armed the Bears

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### Guy goes to mass at St. Peter's Basilica...

Sitting opposite him in the front row are two hobos. Throughout the entire mass, the hobos are eating peanuts and dropping the shells on the floor.

The man is very angry at this, and decides he's going to give the hobos a piece of his mind after the mass is over.

However, at the concl...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### Military joke: the enemy is storming the front en masse.

Army general turns to his soldiers, "boys, go get em!"
They all go out running at the enemy and they all die.

Navy Admiral turns to his seamen, "boys, storm those beaches!"
They all rush ashore and every last one of them are killed.

Marine General turn to his men all cocky, "...

### Newton said "The greater the mass, the greater the force of attraction"

Yet here I am. Still single.

### Going to mass is basically just like a dog being trained

A guy tells you to sit and stand and sit and stand, and at the end they give you a snack

### Sin city we all know is Las Vegas, but do you know what Den city is?

Mass over volume.

### What do you call a tea without mass?

Empty

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### Best way to vaccinate the masses

Train all of the Amazon drivers to give it.
Everyone will have it by Saturday.
Thursday if you have Prime.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

The bishop replied, 'When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.'

So next Sunday he took the bishop's advice.

At the beginning of t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### I'm so tired of all these "historically" based movies and books that change the characters' skin color to pander to the masses

Like, what's up with this Jesus being white bullshit.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### Mass shooting in Soviet Union, government blamed the Nazi. Mass shooting in Europe, government blamed terrorists.

Mass shooting in United States, government blamed video games.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### The pastor's first mass

The young pastor was so nervous before his first mass that he could not speak a word. He asks the bishop for advice, and he tells him to pour two drops of vodka in a glass of water and drink it.

The young pastor does as advised and immediately felt so good that nothing could stop him.
<...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### One Easter Sunday, a man goes to church and returns home with two black eyes.

His wife inquires as to how he got the black eyes.

The man goes on to say, “a lady stood up in front of me during mass, I saw her dress was stuck in the butt crack, so I reached out and tugged it out. She whirled around, became furious, and punched me in the eye.”

“That explains one bl...

### How did President Bush know that Iraq had weapons of mass destruction?

Well he kept the receipts.

### Did you about the parishioner attending mass this morning who was accidentally whacked in the head with a ceremonial scent diffuser?

Apparently the guy was pretty incensed

### When I was younger one of my favorite jokes to tell was about a 4,000 lb. elephant. I tried to convert it to metric to share with the rest of the world.

But, it never got a laugh. Just these looks of mass confusion.

### I once overheard two physicists debating over the mass of subatomic particles..

They were mass-debating

Casual T's.

### What do you call a mass murderer on a bike?

A Cyclepath.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### A Monsignor is in charge of a nunnery. He visits most every Sunday, gives mass, and takes confession.

On one such Sunday he is taking confession and is hearing the usual stuff from the nuns, taking the Lord's be name in vain, thinking impure thoughts, etc. All is going as expected until Sister Roberta walks in. She says, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned." The Monsignor says, "Unburden yourself....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### A priest is celebrating mass.

He begins with, "I was going to tell a vegetable joke, but I can't think of any, so lettuce pray."

### Why don't Chinese people care about mass surveillance?

Because after the 1 child policy, nobody remembers what a big brother is, anyway.

### Mass Murder

Man walks into a pub and the bartender says, "Not seen you in ages, where you been?"

"Was in the jail," replies the man.

"Sorry to hear that," says the bartender. "What did you do?"

"What do you mean?," says the man, "I was just visiting. My friend got convicted for a mass murde...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee after Mass

The first Catholic man tells his friends, “My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him ‘Father’.”

The second Catholic man chirps, “My son is a Bishop, when he walks into a room people call him ‘Your Grace’.”

The third Catholic man says, “My son is a Cardinal. When...

### Ban weapons of mass dyslexia!

Before they start an unclear war.

### I hate when people blame video games for mass shooting

Like what am I gonna do shoot up the school with a copy of doom

### Mass Extinction

The Lunar Laser Ranging experiment has shown that the moon is moving away from the earth at a rate of about two centimeters a year. If you perform a regression you'd find that 65 million years ago, the moon must have been orbiting the earth at a height of about 20ft, which, if you think about it, ex...

### The Pope’s Christmas Mass

175 lbs

The Pope’s Post-Christmas Mass: 186 lbs

A mass murderer

### A priest, one of many in his deeply religious town, decides to skip Mass one Sunday morning to enjoy the day playing golf.

Fortunately for him, as Mass was a rather large gathering, his absence isn't noticed by the other townsfolk.

However, God notices and is determined to exact a punishment. God spends a few minutes pondering his options, before ordering his angels to ensure that the priest gets a hole-in-one on...

### If mass and energy are the same thing,

how come the fatter you get, the lazier you become?