UPJOKE
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The number of bumble bees has decreased.

They prefer to use tinder.
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The popularity of skiing has decreased somewhat lately

In fact, it's going downhill fast.
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What food decreases sex drive more than any other?

Wedding cake.

In some places, line fishing is decreasing in popularity.

In other places, it’s becoming more common. But there’s been a net decrease.
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Wife: Hey, guess this "What always increases, but never decrease?"

Husband: Your weight?
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Beach locals have been enjoying the decrease in cruise-ship pollutants.

No Shit.

Decrease the odds of terrorism on a plane

The odds of a suicide bomber being on your plane are 1 in 10 million.

The odds of two random unrelated suicide bombers on the same plane are virtually impossible.

So if you want to guarantee that you won’t die from another suicide bomber on your flight then you should wear a bomb.
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Why did the Karen scream at the cashier that buying a lot of something should decrease the total price?

She was trying to get a volume discount.
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Why don't coke-heads get botox?

They never want to decrease their number of lines.
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If your body temperature decreased to -273 C°...

...you will still be 0K.
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Studies have shown that books can decrease short term memory;

Especially at high velocities.
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My Doctor sent me a message out of the blue saying I need to decrease the Sodium in my diet.

Confused that he would contact me by text, I sent back “K??”

He just sent back “Na”

Now I don’t know if I should or not.
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My local newspaper ran a story on the decrease of cow psychics.

It was called "Steak Medium Rare"
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I met a guy whose job was to find new solutions to decrease the density of water transport.

I was like, hey, whatever floats your boat, man.
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I recently told a joke about how Democrats favor small government, and decreased taxes.

It didn't go over very well. Everyone said it was politically incorrect.
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The price motion detectors has gradually decreased over time to the point where they're mere pennies.

There's a great book about this called "Cents and Sensibility"
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Don't drink water while studying...

Why?

Because chemistry says that concentration decreases while adding water.

Note: My first attempt. Thanks.
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Putin recently won the election with about 77 percent of the vote,

Over the next few weeks Russia will see a 23 percent population decrease.
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Side effects may include increased or decreased intelligence, headaches, red eyes, loss of sleep, drowsiness, suicidal thoughts, narcolepsy, unsuppressed crying, and death.

Ask your doctor if you should take school today.
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Putin is not all bad

He is expected to greatly decrease the incidence of gaslighting across Europe.
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Appointment

I travel for work, and it sometimes decreases how often we get to have “sexy time.” I knew that I’d have to leave today, so last night when we went to bed I was all riled up and went over to kiss my wife. She said “honey you know I can’t, I have a gynecologist appointment tomorrow!” And I thought “...

If lawyers are disbarred and priests are defrocked, then...

Electricians are delighted

Corpses are decrypted

Cowboys are deranged

Models are deposed

Underwear models are debriefed

Dry cleaners are depressed, decreased and depleted

Jilted women are debrided

HVAC technicians are deducted

Tennis linemen ar...
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I bought my niece some fancy new graphite shoes;

but she won't wear them because she's trying to decrease her carbon footprint.
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A man buys a second hand car

A man buys a second hand car. It's an old, run down Datsun.
The man buys the car, but as he's driving home it breaks down. When he lifts the hood, he notices that there's a cog missing.

He calls a mechanic, but he tells the man that Datsun had run out of business years ago, and that he wo...

Coronavirus outbreak is actually good news for America.

School shooting incidents decrease drammatically in 2020.
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A man had a penis size of 25 inches.

He wanted to reduce the size of his penis so he went to a saint to tell him about his problem. The saint told him that there is a big turtle on a beach, if he tells you "no" then your penis' size would decrease by 5 inches.

So that man found the turtle and asked him, "Will you marry me ?" The...

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The mayor is worried about juvenile crime in the city, so he orders various groups to do something about it. Half a year later, they meet to discuss their results.

"We reached out to local schools and started youth programs to keep children busy and educate them on better behaviour. Our studies show that crime among participants fell by 15% compared to the control group."

"We increased police presence in affected areas to deter unlawful behaviour. Our o...

The NHS has just revealed a list of long-term side effects of vaccines!

- Old age
- Grey hair
- General decrease of diseases
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All his life, Timmy wanted to be a train conductor.

He graduated top of his class in train school, and was hired by the most prestigious train company to conduct their new Super Train. This train could carry 1,000 passengers and was very expensive to manufacture.

Yet little Timmy had one fatal flaw. He has a very short attention span.

...

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There's a man with a 15 inch penis...

This is a problem so he goes to the doctor to see what he can do about size reduction. The doctor says "sir, I can't do anything about it here. But I do know of a magic frog. Go into the woods, find the frog and ask it to marry you. Every time it says no, your penis will decrease by 3 inches."
<...

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Dave walked into the office, starting his lines with: "Hey guys, I had a weird dream last night"

"God himself asked if I want to improve my memory, but my dick size decreases, or the other way around, to-"

This is where I had to stop him.

"Dave, stop. You told us this story yesterday"

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My dad explained the working world to me this way :

Imagine everyone are birds on hanging wires. The birds on different levels of overhead hanging electrical wires are a representation of positions of power in a company.

Birds on the highest level are your CEOs. Likewise, as the levels decrease, so do the positions. The lower levels contain th...

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Hobo is looking for food in waste containers near MIT campus...

...and suddenly sees a nude drunk young woman sleeping in one of the containers. He wakes her up and asks her:

"What is the second law of thermodynamics?"

Before falling back asleep girl looks at him with dull gaze and answers:

"T... total entropy of an isolated system can never...

A doctors invention

A woman is about to go into labor and as it is usually painful the doctor gives her an option. He says "I have an invention that when hooked up will transfer a percentage of your pain to the father of the child". The soon to be mother thinks this is a great idea and the husband agrees to help allevi...
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So I hear that the Euro is destabilizing and deflating...

...if its value decreases any more, Europe might have to switch back to their old international currency, Czechoslovakia.
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Job descriptions

Lawyer: who writes a 15,000 word document and calls it a "brief."

Accountant: who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing.

Auditor: who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.

Banker: who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it ba...
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A chemist, a biologist and a mathematician are sitting in a cafe, looking out of the window.

They all watch three people walk into a house across the road. After 20 minutes, only two people leave the same house.

The scientists are very confused about what has happened.

'The measurements varied, and therefore the measuring equipment was likely inaccurate,' declares the chemist,...
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There was a man who swore he was getting smaller.

[spoilers](#s) Everyday, his height decreases by an inch. Alarmed, he visits the doctor immediately, and asks the secretary to squeeze him in.

"Surely, sir. The doctor will be here any minute. You just have to sit down and be a little patient."
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(NSFW) A man looks to shorten his "size"

There once was a man whose penis was 25 inches in size. He was unable to have sex and searched for a cure.

He hears from a friend about a woman who can shorten penis size with her magic. He was skeptical and reluctant, but eventually he travels to the woman's home.

Once he gets there ...

So an engineer, a psychologist, and a physicist are called into a dairy farm that is low on production...

They're each given a day to inspect the farm, then they each deliver a thesis on how best to increase production.

The engineer goes first; he says that if each stall is decreased in area by 40 inches, housing capacity could be doubled.

The psychologist then says that if the walls were...
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A college advertising lecture is taking place. The speaker is presenting his anti-drug PSA.

He says:

- I am the author of a simple, yet effective campaign against drug use.

He shows the poster he designed. It shows two circles, one big and the other small. The big one is titled "This Is Your Brain", the small one is titled "This Is Your Brain on Drugs". The speaker says:
<...

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An Amish family went to the mall.

(The Amish don't usually go to the mall, but go with me.)

This family consisted of two parents and a son. The father and the son went by themselves to explore, leaving the mother to do whatever it was that she was doing.

The two men encountered an elevator. This was the first time eith...

funniest joke you'll hear today about congestive heart failure

Assuming you are healthy, your heart when working normally, acts, sort of like a pump, or rather, two pumps. You see, your right heart expands to draw deoxygenated blood in from the body, and contracts to pump it out to the lungs to become oxygenated. And at the same time, your left heart draws in o...
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Once upon a time there was a very large office building in a very large city.

This building had 40 levels: level 1, level 2, level 3, level 4, level 5, level 6, level 7, level 8, level 9, level 10, level 11, level 12, level 13, level 14, level 15, level 16, level 17, level 18, level 19, level 20, level 21, level 22, level 23, level 24, level 25, level 26, level 27, level 28, ...
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Did you hear the one about the Monastery?

There once was a monastery located in a small town. Over the years, less and less people were donating to the monastery and the friars that lived there started to fret about lack of funds. The friars sat night after night, brainstorming into the wee hours of the morning. Finally, they decided that i...

There once was a cheerio...

There once was a cheerio who lived on plain cheerio island. He lived his life working 16 hours, 7 days a week, trying just to make ends meet. But all of this was pointless; he was not going anywhere in life. He would never end up with the prosperous cheerios on Frosted Cheerio island - or so he thou...
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