Size Jokes - 97 Hilarious Size Jokes

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Joe had suffered from really bad headaches for the last 20 years. He eventually decides to go and see a Doctor.

The Doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache.

The only way to relieve the pressure is to rem...

What's the only drink size they allow in North Korea?

A supreme liter

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Early one morning a fat kid was sitting in an airport terminal eating a giant size candy bar.

An older man strolled by and saw the boy.

He stopped abruptly and asked "Hey kid, do you think it's a good idea to be eating a giant candy bar for breakfast?"

The boy replied "I don't know, but my grandpappy lived to be 102 years old."

The old man said "I'm sure he did, but he ...

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they say size is related to shoe size...

that makes the fear of clowns even worse.

**Edit** Ten hours in, this is my highest rated post ever! happy I found a place where im appreciated. ill come back with more material! :D

Two plus sized woman walk into a bar

At the bar sits a drunken Irish man. As the two women approach, the Irish man sees them and exclaims: "Ah, two fine lassies from Ireland!"
Defiantly, one responds "It's Wales!"
The man corrects himself, "Ah, two fine whales from Ireland!"

I bought a sail for my boat on Amazon the other day. Today it dawned on me that it's not the right size so I called to cancel. They said it's too late.

That sail has shipped.

I wish my girlfriend wasn't so obsessed about her breast size. Even a trip to the car dealership became embarrassing.

She told the guy she wanted something that'll get her from A to B.

I lost $5 million dollars investing in a bogus company that claimed to be planning to produce life like/sized Henry Winkler dolls.

It was a Fonzie scheme.

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What organ can expand to 10 times it's size...

What organ can expand to 10 times it's size...

The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?"

No one answered so the teacher picked on a random student

Little Mary stood up and said, "You shoul...

My dwarf girlfriend has been a bit down recently because people keep remarking on her size

... So to cheer her up when she gets home from work, I've got her flowers, chocolates, wine and I'm going to run her a nice hot sink.

What's the friendliest screw size?

After gaining weight, My husband bought me a dress 2 sizes below and says...

"I look forward to seeing you in it".

So for his birthday I bought him a coffin.

As I knelt down with a pair of size 4 shoes in front of this blonde in a short skirt, I couldn't resist a quick glance at her knickers:

"Hey cheeky!" She said as she gave me a playful kick. "I bet the only reason you work here is to look up girls' skirts isn't it?"

"That's an absolutely ridiculous accusation, madam." I said sternly. "I don't even work here."

A Texas farmer was touring England. He happened to meet an English farmer and asked him, "What size farm do you have?"

The Englishman proudly announced, "Thirty-five acres!"

"Thirty-five acres?" the Texan scoffed. "Why, I can get in my truck at 8:00 AM and start driving and at noon, I am still on my farm. I can eat lunch and start driving again and at 5:00 PM I am still on my farm.

"Ah, yes," the Engli...

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A man is in a long line at the grocery store

A man is in a long line at the grocery store. As he got to the register he realized he had forgotten to get condoms. So he asked the checkout girl if she could have some condoms brought up to the register. She asked, "What size condoms?" The customer replied that he didn't know. She asked him to dro...

Dr. Parker, the biology instructor at a posh suburban girl's junior college, said during class, "Miss Smith, would you please name the organ of the human body, which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define the conditions."

Miss Smith gasped, blushed deeply, then said freezingly,
Dr. Parker, I do not think that is a proper question to
ask me, you should be asking a boy. And I assure you my
parents will hear of this." With that she sat down, very
red-faced.

Unperturbed, Dr. Parker called on Miss John...

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What do you call it when a man lies about his size?

A phalacy

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Guys, if you have feelings of inadequacy due to your size, know that you are not alone

The women you've been with also feel your was inadequate

I’m thinking of a career where I estimate crowd sizes at different outdoor events.

I wonder how many people are in that field.

A guy asks his Roman friend what size a shirt is.

He looks at the XL on the tag and says, "it's a size 40."

Size of matter in descending order.

Molecule > Atom > Proton > Quark > x on a mobile ad

Yo Mama is a Size Eight

Size Ate Too Much.

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Just had a message from a random guy asking to meet in the woods to compare sizes. weirdo..

Didn't even show up.

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I was teased about my size almost every day of elementary school.

I got called names like teeny weenie, micro dong, and pickled pecker.

If it weren't for that, being home-schooled wouldn't have been so bad.

What size clothes do fortune tellers wear?

Medium.

I just read that the world record for shoe size is 37...

That's no small feet!

If your body was the size of the Atlantic ocean, your red blood cells would be the size of the Titanic

Let that sink in

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They say size doesn't matter

But imagine how many lives would be saved if putin had normal size .

Condoms are available in three sizes.

Small, medium, and liar.

A man sees a life-sized rat statue in an old junk store.

And he isn't sure why, but he finds the rat statue very interesting and decides to buy it. Afterwards he's walking down the street holding the statue under his arm when he looks behind and sees two rats following him. A few minutes later there are more. Soon there are dozens or even hundreds of rats...

Ladies I have some wisdom for you. When you meet that special man, when you meet that Mr. Right, it's not just about the size...

It's also about the cut,

the color, and the clarity.

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They say foot size corresponds to size...

I think if your is as wide as your foot, something's wrong

It's not the size of the ship, nor the motion of the ocean...

It's whether or not the captain stays in port long enough for all the passengers to get off.

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Carl is in the 10th year of a life sentence when he gets a new cellmate, Jim. After taking some time to size Jim up and decide that he can trust him, Carl tells Jim about his plan to escape. "You see" Carl says "for the first 5 years I was inside, I trained my digestive system to follow my command.

Now I can eat something and it comes out broken down into its components." Jim is skeptical, but intrigued.

Carl continues: "For the *last* five years, I've been swallowing pieces off my uniform. It's perfect, because the guards just think it's rats chewing on it."

So Jim asks, "Well, ...

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My self esteem is the size of my

I’m a girl

(Sorry if this joke was used somewhere before, I’m fairly new to Reddit)

With the increasing price and size of Iphones……

If you want to be an iPhone user in 10 years, you’ll need to have deep pockets.

( first time here, I hope is not too bad)

“Feeling strange, Mr. Bond? That’s because I’ve laced your martini with a measles vaccine. The autism should be setting in any second now.”

“Joke’s on you, I already disassembled your doomsday device and rearranged all the parts in order of size.”

So, this fortune teller came in to buy a sweatshirt, but we were out of her size...

Let me guess. She's a medium?

What do you call the Dr. Scholls conveyor belt used for cutting materials to various foot sizes?

*insert punchline*

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Feet and size are not related

Trust me, my feet are huge

Why was it so hard for the Malamute puppy to find clothes in his size?

Because he was a little Husky.

Did you know that if you take all the blood vessels from an average size human body and lay them out end to end

You'll go to prison for a very long time.

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A young man was so paranoid about the size of his ...

that he could never work up the courage to have .
Then one day he fell in love with a nurse.
One fine evening, they went back to her place. She put on some soft music and led him into the bedroom. Totally mortified, he told her of his problem.
"Don't worry," She said. "I'm a nurse....

First golf joke I’ve heard less than 1,000,000 times.

A Catholic, a Baptist and a Mormon are bragging about the size of their families.

"I have four boys, and my wife is expecting another," says the Catholic. "One more son, and I'll have a basketball team."

"That's nothing," says the Baptist. "I have 10 boys now, and my wife is pregnant w...

I kept pulling the string from my Christmas hat and now its half the size

Oops, wrong thread

What size soda does Kim Jong-Un buy at 7-11?

A supreme liter.

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I was born with a baby-sized

It weights 6 pounds

Some Irish scientists measured the size of the coronavirus variant.

It was one O'Micron.

My doctor tells me that a healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.

Tonight I ate 52 slices of roast beef.

If you think greenland is the size of africa,

You have some *real* projection issues

A man is at the checkout line of a supermarket when he realises he forgot to buy condoms

A man is at the checkout line of a supermarket when he realises he forgot to buy condoms.

When his turn arrives, he looks at the cashier and asks "I'm sorry, I forgot to buy condoms, can you ask someone to bring me a packet?"

"That's fine", she tells him, "what size do you need?". He'...

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Online classified ad

Premature ejaculator in need of smoking hot size 6 blonde.

Preferably with blue eyes and huge double d....

Nevermind.

Size difference

Q: What's smaller than a teeny weeny Ant?
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A: An Ant's teeny weeny!

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I overheard a lady talking about sizes.

She was saying she seen in a magazine it said American Indians had the largest size and Mexicans had a with the largest diameter.

I walked up and said let me introduce myself. My name is Tonto Rodriguez.

What is Alabama's population size?

Family size.

Due to the size of my student loans for my phd I have debts no honest man could pay....

Luckily I'm a statistician.

My wife arranged the plates by color and size...

It’s a rare dish order

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Having big is overrated

So, I myself have big and I have no idea why people wish they had big so badly. They're so annoying and don't look good and I've even been mocked for the size of my . I wish I had small and would happily exchange mine for smaller , especially since I'm a dude.

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A guy is constantly suffering from terrible headaches...

A guy is constantly suffering from terrible headaches. He goes to a bunch of doctors, runs any test imaginable, and no one can figure out why. One day a doctor tells him- “I think we figured out a solution, but you’re not going to like it. If we cut off your balls, the constant headache will stop”. ...

A mathematician and an engineer play a game to get laid…

At the other end of this room,” the Game Master points out, “is a beautiful, young, naked, consenting woman. If you reach her, she will fulfill any and all of your fantasies.”

The mathematician and engineer both look at each other with excitement.

“The only rule is that each step you...

There's a gang going through town, systematically shoplifting clothes in order of size.

Police say they are still at large.

My boyfriend claimed size doesn't matter.

But then the wallpaper he put up all fell off.

I love women in all different shape and sizes. Kinda like my last girlfriend.

She had a ballpark figure.

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A woman wants to increase the size of her breasts.

So she goes to see Dr. Johnson who tells her she must do an exercise rhythmically and on a schedule of 10am and 2pm. He instructs her to bend each elbow one at a time and recite "If I do this as I must, I will increase my bust". She does this religiously twice a day for two weeks and sees some impr...

TIL: Units of measurement like feet and inches were originally based on the current monarch's sizes

That's why they were called rulers.

I've just spent the last 20 minutes talking to someone about size 15 Chuck Taylor shoes.

It was a lengthy Converse-ation

If what they say about the size of a man’s package being related to his shoe size is true...

No wonder everybody’s looking for Bigfoot.

How many women of god can you fit in a standard size brothel?

Nun!

I FINALLY opened my shoe store that only sells large sizes.

Let me tell you, that was no small feet.

Pick on someone your own size.

short people are so mean

Men see size, dogs see age.

Toddlers see what they can get away with.

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Update: moved up a place in the World Size competition

After facing a lot of stiff competition, I'm through to the Semi's

What's the difference between a queen and a king sized bed?

A king is slightly larger but a queen may move as far as it can in any direction.

If there is a king and queen size mattress, where does the prince sleep?

On the heir mattresses

-Repost because of spelling-

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A small church had a very attractive big-busted organist named Linda.

Her breasts were so large that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ. Unfortunately, this distracted the congregation considerably.

The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.

So on...

Mike Lindell expanded his business to selling king-sized mattresses.

He calls it "The Big Lie"

I know The Little Mermaid's breast size.

It's obvious. She's wearing C-shells.

How do you make any bag of chips into a family size

Give it to an orphan!

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A man notices his wife’s is getting big...

“I bet your is as big as my grill.”

His wife rolls her eyes, but he gets a tape measure, measures her bottom, measures the grill, and teases her that they’re about the same size.

That night, he tries to see if he can get lucky. “Not tonight,” says his wife.

He asks her why ...

Beauty comes in all shapes and sizes....

Large, small, circle, square, thin crust, deep dish, extra toppings....

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What's the average size of law enforcement?

9mm

What size bra did Euclid's wife wear?

A because he only worked with flat surfaces

If big hands and big feet are an indication of size and the size of the car indicates how much someone is compensating...

... it's no wonder people are terrified of clowns.

Did you hear Adidas just released their new line of plus-sized yoga pants?

They’re called Adipose.

What weighs less, an empty regular size bic or a full small bic?

See, you’d think it’s the empty regular sized one, but the small one is a little lighter

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Bully: I bet your is a size of a tic tac

The quiet kid: That's why your mom's breath smells so good

The size of the wildlife at construction sites is huge.

I mean, just look at the size of those cranes.

What shirt size does Bill Gates wear?

Excel.

Why is Karen's brain of the size of a walnut?

Because it's swollen

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Size Doesn't Matter

Why can't guys be like girls and just accept the size of things.

When it's a girl it's like:

"OMG your are Amazing"

when it's a guy:

"Yo, WTF bro you have "

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When it comes to size, we all just want to

belong

I like stealing industrial size kitchen equipment.

I'm a big whisk-taker

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I'll admit it, I have a tremendous drive

It's like 300GB in size

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers.

"We're sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife," said one trooper...

"Tell me! Did you find her?" Wilkens shouted.

The troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"<...

A woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he sells size extra large condoms.

He replies, "Yes we do. Would you like to buy some?" She responds, "No sir, but do you mind if I wait around here until someone does?"

I have just started a company manufacturing over-sized sinks...

Does anyone on here mind if I give it a massive plug?

Size matters

What’s 6 inches long, 2 inches wide and drives women wild?
A $100 bill!

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