My husband once bought me a dress two sizes too small to encourage me to lose weight so I could fit into it.

When he gave me the dress, he said that he was "looking forward to seeing you in it."

So for his birthday, I bought him a coffin.

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A woman wants her vaginal lips reduced in size

A woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wants her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were flapping in the breeze. Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.

Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found three roses careful...

Carmelo and his brother Dave sat together admiring the size of his vast, but empty backyard.

"Hey Carm," says Dave "we should do something with your yard. Maybe a pool or something."

Carmelo glanced over grinning.

"Way ahead of you man. I've already hired a company to spruce the place up. Actually, I have a sub-contractor coming over tomorrow for the deck."

...

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Joe had suffered from really bad headaches for the last 20 years.

Joe had suffered from really bad headaches for the last 20 years.

He eventually decides to go and see a Doctor.

The Doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicle...

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I just told some asshole to "pick on someone your own size".

Now I feel like an asshole... the guy was a midget.

A group of theives are going to retail stores and are stealing clothes by sizes

Police say they are still at large.

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The size of a man's penis, dicktates how long it takes for him to finish,

Men with small penises, finish quickly.


Men with large penises, finish slowly.


Men with gargantuan penises never fi

Did you hear about the gang of thieves that systematically shoplifts clothes in size order?

The police say they are still at large.

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After years of being plagued by extreme headaches,

*Disclaimer: English isn't my main language, there might be some mistakes here and there*

Jim finally went to see a doctor. After a lot of researching, the doctor said: "I have good news, but I also have bad news."

The good news is that I have found a cure for your extreme headac...

A woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he sells size extra large condoms.

He replies, "Yes we do.
Would you like to buy some?"
She responds, "No sir, but do you mind if I wait around here until someone does?"

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To see the black hole they needed to build a telescope the size of the earth

To which my wife replied, “Maybe they can build a bigger one that could see your penis.”

(I wish this wasn’t a true story)

An American and a Polish farmer are riding the train together through Europe.

Feeling hungry the Polish farmer pulls an apple out of his bag.

American asks:

\- What is that?

\-This? An apple.

\- Ha Ha! Apples in America are 3 times that size.

Some time goes by, Polish farmer wants another snack. He takes a carrot out of his bag.

Ameri...

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So my friend kept bragging about this penis size

He wouldn't shut up about it, he was definitely exaggerating about how great it was.

Personally I call that a phallacy.

A software developer claims to have written a condition that detects items larger than medium size.

Big if true.

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What do you call a Texas size dildo?

An arm a dildo

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My self esteem is the size of my penis

I’m a girl

(Sorry if this joke was used somewhere before, I’m fairly new to Reddit)

I bumped into Thanos and laughed really hard at the size of his chin and forehead...

He snapped

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If your buttocks are not the same size....

They are assymetric

A woman goes to a pharmacy and asks if they have 12 inch size condoms.

"How many do you want", pharmacist replies.

"None, just take my phone number and give it to anyone who comes to buy it".

If there is a plastic island the size of Australia in the middle of the ocean,

Then we have nothing to worry about because Australia doesn’t exist

In a long lost episode, Superman has a close shave with death because his cloak wasn’t the right size.

It was a narrow S cape.

The supermassive black hole in the core of the Messier 87 galaxy measures 40 billion km across, three million times the size of the Earth, and has a mass 6.5 billion times that of the Sun.

Almost as big as your mom.

What shirt size does Bill Gates wear?

Excel.

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Comparing dick size is like asking the difference between guac and guacamole...

They're both the same thing, one's just a lot less of a mouthful.

A man hands his girlfriend a small package on Christmas morning, the size of a jewelry box.

The woman gets incredibly excited and rips the package open to find a deck of playing cards.

“What the heck is this?” she yells and throws the deck of cards into the man’s lap. “What?” the man responds. “You said all you wanted for Christmas was something with diamonds in it!”

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Little Johnny is in the car with his mother and shes driving down the highway.

A truck in front of them contains adult sex toys.

All of a sudden a large black dildo falls off the truck and hits the windscreen of the car.

"What was that mommy" says Johnny, "Oh... it was a fly" replies the mother, slightly embarrased, "Jesus!" says Jimmy, "Did you see the size of...

In statistics, a larger sample size results in more reliable averages.

The Ns justify the means.

In the darkest hours of World War II, a British Commando unit was waiting to go behind enemy lines into Norway

During the planning of the mission, it was decided that their rifles would need protective covers against the extreme cold of Norway. The contract to manufacture the covers was given to a pharmaceutical company that also manufactured condoms.

Before the Commandos deployed, Winston Churchill p...

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Man wants his penis size reduced

A man with a 50 inch penis went to a doctor, and asked: "Doctor, is there anything you can do about...this...thing?"

The docor gave him a brochure for plastic surgery, but the man quickly put it away and said: "Sorry, but isn't there another way? I'm really afraid of surgeries."

"Well,...

Beauty comes in all shapes and sizes. Small, round, thin,

thick crust, deep pan, extra toppings...

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Online classified ad

Premature ejaculator in need of smoking hot size 6 blonde.

Preferably with blue eyes and huge double d....

Nevermind.

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A young man was so paranoid about the size of his penis...

that he could never work up the courage to have sex.
Then one day he fell in love with a nurse.
One fine evening, they went back to her place. She put on some soft music and led him into the bedroom. Totally mortified, he told her of his problem.
"Don't worry," She said. "I'm a nurse....

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A Newlywed Couple Waited for Marriage to Have Sex...

A couple wanted to wait to have sex until the night of their wedding. As the big day got closer the bride tells the groom she has a confession to make.

"I am as flat as a board. I'm sorry, I have been using the best padded bras on the market to make people believe I actually have breasts. I ...

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I shouldn’t be worried about my penis size.

After all, it’s just a small part of me.

A man asks a shoe store employee for the size of a shoe

The employee replies that it's a size 9, US.

The man asks what the Australian size is.

"Size 6," the employee says.

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I was teased about my penis size almost every day of elementary school.

I got called names like teeny weenie, micro dong, and pickled pecker.

If it weren't for that, being home-schooled wouldn't have been so bad.

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They say that a mans dick can be gauged by the size of his feet.

Probably explains why my daughter is always bringing fucking clowns home.

My dwarf girlfriend has been a bit down recently because people keep remarking on her size

... So to cheer her up when she gets home from work, I've got her flowers, chocolates, wine and I'm going to run her a nice hot sink.

amid mounting investigations, the White House changed all printers to use 8.5x14 size paper...

...so they could right away answer "Yes", if investigators were to find hidden documents and ask "is this legal?"

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The Chinese have developed a new pill that increases the average penis size by 3 inches.

Reports say they will use it to interfere with the upcoming U.S. erections.

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A woman is very afraid of the size of her opening...

A woman is very afraid of the size of her opening.


So she goes to her mother, she says what am I going to do I’m so big down there when I marry Harry he’s going to divorce me.


Her mother says don’t worry sweetheart it runs in the family, do what I did when I married your father...

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Size Doesn't Matter

Why can't guys be like girls and just accept the size of things.

When it's a girl it's like:

"OMG your tits are Amazing"

when it's a guy:

"Yo, WTF bro you have tits"

What's the only drink size they allow in North Korea?

A supreme liter

This year, Starbucks are issuing a new cup size for Christmas.

It's called the Adventi.

What are the three sizes of condoms?

Small, Medium and Liar

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my wife says size doesn't matter

but i still wish she didn't have a penis.

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They say penis size is related to shoe size

that makes the fear of clowns even worse.

My wife and I wear the same size shoes

We're solemates.

I’ve always wanted a job estimating crowd sizes in sporting events.

I wonder how many people are in that field.

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Have you ever wondered why letters are used to define bra sizes?

{A} Almost Boobs.
{B} Barely there.
{C} Can't Complain.
{D} Dang!
{DD} Double dang!
{E} Enormous!
{F} Fake.
{G} Get a Reduction.
{H} Help me, I've fallen
and I can't get up!

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Did you know a hamsters anus can stretch twice the width of its own body size?

Once.

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TIL size doesn't matter.

Chicks will always scream through their lungs no matter how big the cockroach in their rooms is.

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The Blue Whale's Testicles are the size of Volkswagen Beetles.

That's nuts.

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My girl made fun of me, saying that my penis size is just average.

What a mean thing to say!

What did Toad say when Toadette told him to scoot over in the twin size bed?

I don’t have Mushroom

What size of airplane would little people ride?

Mid-Jet!

I like stealing industrial size kitchen equipment.

I'm a big whisk-taker

It's not the size of the ship, nor the motion of the ocean...

It's whether or not the captain stays in port long enough for all the passengers to get off.

What size envelope do you need to send a letter bomb?

C4

Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Arlene: What in the hell is that?

Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Arlene: Where did you get it?

Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.

The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box...

A man had excruciating headaches

So he decided once and for all to go see a specialist to see what can be done.

After extensive scans and tests the doctor calls him in and gives him the bad news.
"I'm very sorry sir, you have a very rare case in which your nuts press up against the base of your spine which, in turn, is ...

My stats professor told me that the larger the sample size the more trustworthy the data.

I guess the N's justify the means.

What size coffee do Bishops order at Starbucks?

Grande

The 10th grade teacher asks Jessica: "What part of the human body increases to 10 times it's normal size when excited?"

Jessica responds: "That's disgusting! I don't have to answer that question!"

So the teacher asks little Johnny, who responds: "That's easy...the pupil of the eye."

"That's correct, Johnny. Very good!"

And turning to Jessica, she says:
"I've three things to say to you, young...

If shoe size really is directly related to the size of a man's package...

Then clowns are way scarier than we all thought.

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I'd make a joke about my dick size.

But then I'd have to tag the post long.

Did you know that if you take all the blood vessels from an average size human body and lay them out end to end

You'll go to prison for a very long time.

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Scientists say the average size of the male penis has gone down to 5 inches.

This just shows how big the Chinese population is getting.

Why was Barry in awe at the size of Kelvin?

Kelvin is an absolute unit.

I bought a life size 3d model of plankton from spongebob.

4days later I got an empty box full of bubble wrap. I still don't know where plankton is.

I used to have a full size wooden car. Wooden wheels, wooden engine, wooden seats.

BUT, when I tried to drive it, it wooden go.


Credit : u/johnnycrosshatch

What do you call a tiny Jewish knight?

Sir Cum-Sized

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What organ can expand to 10 times it is size............

The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?"
No one answered so the teacher picked on a random student
Little Mary stood up and said, "You should not be asking sixth graders a question like that! I'm going ...

If I've learned one thing in my travels, it's that men come in all shapes and sizes.

But enough about my exotic fleshlight collection.

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She : Your dick is probably the size of a Tic-Tac.

Me : Well no wonder your moms breath is so fresh.

I asked a girl in marching band what cup size she had

She said she was a C, but since it was cold I guess she was a C#.

Bonus Round:

She pulled it out of her trombone and said about 6 inches.

What is Kim Jong-Un’s favorite beverage size?

A supreme liter.

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A woman says to her husband after sex-"Oh honey.. Its not the size of the boat, its the motion of the ocean!"

He looks up and yells
"Well it takes a long fucking time to get to England in a canoe!"

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A monkey walks up to the lion and starts taunting him

"You stupid jerk! You cannot do anything to me", the lioness looks at the lion hearing that and gets surprised of his lack of reaction.

The monkey goes on "Imma fuck your momma you stupid lion!", the lion keeps ignoring the monkey, so the lioness asks "honey are you going to allow this peasa...

A Texas farmer was touring England. He happened to meet an English farmer and asked him, "What size farm do you have?"

The Englishman proudly announced, "Thirty-five acres!"

"Thirty-five acres?" the Texan scoffed. "Why, I can get in my truck at 8:00 AM and start driving and at noon, I am still on my farm. I can eat lunch and start driving again and at 5:00 PM I am still on my farm.

"Ah, yes," the Engli...

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Guys who worry about the size of their penis

Suffer from wangsiety

TIL that a controversial study found strong positive correlation between intelligence and physical traits including genital size in men

You thought this was a different sub didn't you

What size sheets does someone with a gambling addiction use?

Double or nothing

A New Bed Size

Forget a California King! A West Virginia King has enough space for the whole family!

My girlfriend asked me what size table cloth we should buy

I told her "12x15."

She asked, "feet or inches?" and I told her either one, doesn't matter.

Can't wait to see which one she buys.

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My girlfriend says penis size shouldn't matter in a healthy and loving relationship.

I still wish she didn't have one.
 

Is there a correlation between the size of a nose and the sense of smell?

Because I read somewhere that back in World War II people with big noses smelled gas much more often.

I know The Little Mermaid's breast size.

It's obvious. She's wearing C-shells.

I just bought a life size Avengers action figure for only 50 bucks!

Only problem is it was Ant Man...

Which one of the Avengers would hurt the most if he shrank down in size like Ant-Man?

Thor. Because he would be a little Thor.

I call the sunshine cracker company every year at this time and request they sell Cheez-its shrunk to 1/4th their original size.

I request they market them as "Sweet little baby Cheez-its."

What is a neckbeard's favorite breast size?

10D's.

"Hey, Bill, what do you think of this new super-hero comic I'm working on? It's about an ant-size tangent line that has x-ray vision."

"Sounds cool, but isn't that a little derivative?"

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I thought my dick was average size

until I realized my hands were really small

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A city with a 400 year old feud about penis size...

The men on the east side of the river say they have larger penises, the men on the west claim to have the largest. The citizens wanted to put the feud to rest once and for all. So they decided to do a study. A very scientifically sound study, double blind, all that stuff. So everything went as plann...

I kept pulling the string from my Christmas hat and now its half the size

Oops, wrong thread

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