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A woman wants her vaginal lips reduced in size

A woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wants her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were flapping in the breeze. Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.

Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found three roses careful...

A woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he sells size extra large condoms.

He replies, "Yes we do.
Would you like to buy some?"
She responds, "No sir, but do you mind if I wait around here until someone does?"

If there is a plastic island the size of Australia in the middle of the ocean,

Then we have nothing to worry about because Australia doesn’t exist

A woman goes to a pharmacy and asks if they have 12 inch size condoms.

"How many do you want", pharmacist replies.

"None, just take my phone number and give it to anyone who comes to buy it".

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My self esteem is the size of my penis

I’m a girl

(Sorry if this joke was used somewhere before, I’m fairly new to Reddit)

In statistics, a larger sample size results in more reliable averages.

The Ns justify the means.

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Man wants his penis size reduced

A man with a 50 inch penis went to a doctor, and asked: "Doctor, is there anything you can do about...this...thing?"

The docor gave him a brochure for plastic surgery, but the man quickly put it away and said: "Sorry, but isn't there another way? I'm really afraid of surgeries."

"Well,...

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What fits well between breasts, comes in various sizes and colors, can be long and can be short, is very flexible, and is something that women don't normally have?

A tie, you dirty minded fuck.

Beauty comes in all shapes and sizes. Small, round, thin,

thick crust, deep pan, extra toppings...

A man asks a shoe store employee for the size of a shoe

The employee replies that it's a size 9, US.

The man asks what the Australian size is.

"Size 6," the employee says.

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A Newlywed Couple Waited for Marriage to Have Sex...

A couple wanted to wait to have sex until the night of their wedding. As the big day got closer the bride tells the groom she has a confession to make.

"I am as flat as a board. I'm sorry, I have been using the best padded bras on the market to make people believe I actually have breasts. I ...

What shirt size does Bill Gates wear?

Excel.

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Joe was moderately successful in his career, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his personal hygiene and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help.

After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem. "The good news is I can cure your headaches; the bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your s...

amid mounting investigations, the White House changed all printers to use 8.5x14 size paper...

...so they could right away answer "Yes", if investigators were to find hidden documents and ask "is this legal?"

This year, Starbucks are issuing a new cup size for Christmas.

It's called the Adventi.

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Online classified ad

Premature ejaculator in need of smoking hot size 6 blonde.

Preferably with blue eyes and huge double d....

Nevermind.

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A woman is very afraid of the size of her opening...

A woman is very afraid of the size of her opening.


So she goes to her mother, she says what am I going to do I’m so big down there when I marry Harry he’s going to divorce me.


Her mother says don’t worry sweetheart it runs in the family, do what I did when I married your father...

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Size Doesn't Matter

Why can't guys be like girls and just accept the size of things.

When it's a girl it's like:

"OMG your tits are Amazing"

when it's a guy:

"Yo, WTF bro you have tits"

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They say that a mans dick can be gauged by the size of his feet.

Probably explains why my daughter is always bringing fucking clowns home.

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I was teased about my penis size almost every day of elementary school.

I got called names like teeny weenie, micro dong, and pickled pecker.

If it weren't for that, being home-schooled wouldn't have been so bad.

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The Chinese have developed a new pill that increases the average penis size by 3 inches.

Reports say they will use it to interfere with the upcoming U.S. erections.

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A young man was so paranoid about the size of his penis...

that he could never work up the courage to have sex.
Then one day he fell in love with a nurse.
One fine evening, they went back to her place. She put on some soft music and led him into the bedroom. Totally mortified, he told her of his problem.
"Don't worry," She said. "I'm a nurse....

What are the three sizes of condoms?

Small, Medium and Liar

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my wife says size doesn't matter

but i still wish she didn't have a penis.

My wife and I wear the same size shoes

We're solemates.

I’ve always wanted a job estimating crowd sizes in sporting events.

I wonder how many people are in that field.

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TIL size doesn't matter.

Chicks will always scream through their lungs no matter how big the cockroach in their rooms is.

My dwarf girlfriend has been a bit down recently because people keep remarking on her size

... So to cheer her up when she gets home from work, I've got her flowers, chocolates, wine and I'm going to run her a nice hot sink.

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The Blue Whale's Testicles are the size of Volkswagen Beetles.

That's nuts.

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Did you know a hamsters anus can stretch twice the width of its own body size?

Once.

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They say penis size is related to shoe size

that makes the fear of clowns even worse.

What did Toad say when Toadette told him to scoot over in the twin size bed?

I don’t have Mushroom

What size coffee do Bishops order at Starbucks?

Grande

What's the only drink size they allow in North Korea?

A supreme liter

What size of airplane would little people ride?

Mid-Jet!

What size envelope do you need to send a letter bomb?

C4

I like stealing industrial size kitchen equipment.

I'm a big whisk-taker

A man had excruciating headaches

So he decided once and for all to go see a specialist to see what can be done.

After extensive scans and tests the doctor calls him in and gives him the bad news.
"I'm very sorry sir, you have a very rare case in which your nuts press up against the base of your spine which, in turn, is ...

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Have you ever wondered why letters are used to define bra sizes?

{A} Almost Boobs.
{B} Barely there.
{C} Can't Complain.
{D} Dang!
{DD} Double dang!
{E} Enormous!
{F} Fake.
{G} Get a Reduction.
{H} Help me, I've fallen
and I can't get up!

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My girl made fun of me, saying that my penis size is just average.

What a mean thing to say!

It's not the size of the ship, nor the motion of the ocean...

It's whether or not the captain stays in port long enough for all the passengers to get off.

Why was Barry in awe at the size of Kelvin?

Kelvin is an absolute unit.

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I'd make a joke about my dick size.

But then I'd have to tag the post long.

I bought a life size 3d model of plankton from spongebob.

4days later I got an empty box full of bubble wrap. I still don't know where plankton is.

If shoe size really is directly related to the size of a man's package...

Then clowns are way scarier than we all thought.

The 10th grade teacher asks Jessica: "What part of the human body increases to 10 times it's normal size when excited?"

Jessica responds: "That's disgusting! I don't have to answer that question!"

So the teacher asks little Johnny, who responds: "That's easy...the pupil of the eye."

"That's correct, Johnny. Very good!"

And turning to Jessica, she says:
"I've three things to say to you, young...

I used to have a full size wooden car. Wooden wheels, wooden engine, wooden seats.

BUT, when I tried to drive it, it wooden go.


Credit : u/johnnycrosshatch

What do you call a tiny Jewish knight?

Sir Cum-Sized

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What organ can expand to 10 times it is size............

The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?"
No one answered so the teacher picked on a random student
Little Mary stood up and said, "You should not be asking sixth graders a question like that! I'm going ...

Did you know that if you take all the blood vessels from an average size human body and lay them out end to end

You'll go to prison for a very long time.

If I've learned one thing in my travels, it's that men come in all shapes and sizes.

But enough about my exotic fleshlight collection.

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Scientists say the average size of the male penis has gone down to 5 inches.

This just shows how big the Chinese population is getting.

I asked a girl in marching band what cup size she had

She said she was a C, but since it was cold I guess she was a C#.

Bonus Round:

She pulled it out of her trombone and said about 6 inches.

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A woman says to her husband after sex-"Oh honey.. Its not the size of the boat, its the motion of the ocean!"

He looks up and yells
"Well it takes a long fucking time to get to England in a canoe!"

What is Kim Jong-Un’s favorite beverage size?

A supreme liter.

My stats professor told me that the larger the sample size the more trustworthy the data.

I guess the N's justify the means.

TIL that a controversial study found strong positive correlation between intelligence and physical traits including genital size in men

You thought this was a different sub didn't you

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She : Your dick is probably the size of a Tic-Tac.

Me : Well no wonder your moms breath is so fresh.

A New Bed Size

Forget a California King! A West Virginia King has enough space for the whole family!

Which one of the Avengers would hurt the most if he shrank down in size like Ant-Man?

Thor. Because he would be a little Thor.

My girlfriend asked me what size table cloth we should buy

I told her "12x15."

She asked, "feet or inches?" and I told her either one, doesn't matter.

Can't wait to see which one she buys.

Is there a correlation between the size of a nose and the sense of smell?

Because I read somewhere that back in World War II people with big noses smelled gas much more often.

What size sheets does someone with a gambling addiction use?

Double or nothing

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Guys who worry about the size of their penis

Suffer from wangsiety

A Texas farmer was touring England. He happened to meet an English farmer and asked him, "What size farm do you have?"

The Englishman proudly announced, "Thirty-five acres!"

"Thirty-five acres?" the Texan scoffed. "Why, I can get in my truck at 8:00 AM and start driving and at noon, I am still on my farm. I can eat lunch and start driving again and at 5:00 PM I am still on my farm.

"Ah, yes," the Engli...

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Carl is in the 10th year of a life sentence when he gets a new cellmate, Jim.

...after taking some time to size Jim up and decide that he can trust him, Carl tells Jim about his plan to escape.

"You see, " Carl says "for the first 5 years I was inside, I trained my digestive system to follow my command. Now I can eat something and it comes out broken down into it's com...

What is a neckbeard's favorite breast size?

10D's.

"Hey, Bill, what do you think of this new super-hero comic I'm working on? It's about an ant-size tangent line that has x-ray vision."

"Sounds cool, but isn't that a little derivative?"

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My girlfriend says penis size shouldn't matter in a healthy and loving relationship.

I still wish she didn't have one.
 

I know The Little Mermaid's breast size.

It's obvious. She's wearing C-shells.

I call the sunshine cracker company every year at this time and request they sell Cheez-its shrunk to 1/4th their original size.

I request they market them as "Sweet little baby Cheez-its."

JCPenney just moved the women's Plus Size department downstairs. Is this yet another example of fat acceptance?

Or are they just tired of the escalator breaking?

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Wrong size

Lady was trying on a dress.

Husband: “Your bum is as big as a BBQ pit!”

Later in bed, husband said, “Want to do it?”

Wife: “It’s a waste lighting up a BBQ pit for a small sausage.”

Teacher asks the class, "What part of your body can grow as much as six times its normal size?"

No one answers, so she asks Tiffany in the front row if she knows the answer. Tiffany blushes, giggles, and covers her face with her hands.

Heather in the desk behind raises her hand and says, "The pupil, miss. The pupil may grow as much as six times its normal size."

"Correct" says...

After my retirement at the company I worked at for 50 years, I looked forward to some relaxation time and putting my feet up, but my wife had other ideas...

... she insisted I take her to the local shopping centre every day.

Like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and out.

She's like most women - loves to browse & leaves me with endless time to fulfill.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following let...

I kept pulling the string from my Christmas hat and now its half the size

Oops, wrong thread

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Stoner Joke. Three Men Died and Went to Hell Where They Met the Devil. (Warning! Long one)

Three men died and went to hell where they met the Devil. The Devil told them that they had sinned in life and therefore had to spend the next 666 years in hell to atone for their sins. However, since the Devil wasn't entirely merciless, he would let them choose for themselves how they were going to...

Have you heard about Chubby's Plus Size Brothel?

They say it's how you get the biggest bang for your buck.

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How To Increase Penis Size Easily

A Florida Couple Was Watching A Discovery Channel Special About An African Black Bush Tribe. The Men In That Tribe All Had 24 Inches Long Penises.

When The Black Male Reaches A Certain Age, A String Is Tied Around His Penis And On The Other End To A Weight. After A While, The Weight Stretches...

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"Who can tell me which organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated?''

Sixth grade science teacher Mrs. Samson asks her class: "Who can tell me which organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated?" Nobody raises a hand, so she calls on the first student to look her way. "Mary, can you tell me which organ of the human body expands to 10 time...

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Dave walks into a Victoria's Secret shop, and asks for a see through negligee, size 54-52-58.

The assistant looks at Dave and says:- "Why the fuck would you want to see through that?".

The Jones didn't have any children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Jones kissed his wife and said, "I'm off, honey. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell with the hopes of making a sale.

"Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to....."

"Oh, there's no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Jones cut in.

"You have?" the photographer asked....

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I'm glad I never had an insecurity about the size of my penis.

That one would have been hard to shake.

A middle aged man needs to buy condoms, but he doesn't know what size he needs...

So he asks the cashier at the checkout line. She reaches over the counter, grabs his crotch, and calls out over the intercom, "Medium condoms needed at register 3!"

An older gentleman has the same problem later that day, so the woman grabs his crotch and calls out, "Large condoms needed at r...

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I hate it when people say 'size doesn't matter'.

It makes me feel as if I have this huge penis for nothing.