A teacher told her young class to ask their parents for a family story with a moral at the end of it, and to return the next day to tell their stories.

In the classroom the next day, Joe gave his example first, “My dad is a farmer and we have chickens. One day we were taking lots of eggs to the market in a basket on the front seat of the truck when we hit a big bump in the road. The basket fell off the seat and all the eggs broke.” The moral of the...

A teacher told the students, "The person who answers my next question correctly gets to leave class early."

A teacher told the students, "The person who answers my next question correctly gets to leave class early."

Suddenly, a pen came flying across to room, practically hitting the teacher in the face.

"Who threw that?!" the teacher shouted angrily.

"Me!" piped up a voice from the ba...

I feel really bad for the class of 2020. They say the year really flies by.

I just didn’t realize it would Zoom.

Little Jimmy is in class and the teacher asks:

"if there are 9 birds on a fence and the farmer shoots 1, how many birds are left?"
Jimmy raises his hand and says;
none, because the rest is startled by the shot and will fly away.
To which the teacher says, "Well Jimmy, the correct answer is 8, but I like the way you think."
Ji...

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A student came late in the class and the teacher wants to know why.

"You know, I woke up as usual, got to my horse and went to school. But I don't know why, my horse suddenly died in the middle of the town square. I had to walk rest of the way and that's why I am late."

Teacher doesn't believe a single word, but there will be enough time to solve this proble...

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So a girl comes in late to class...

The teacher asks her “why are you late?”

Girl replies, “I was outside blowing bubbles and lost track of time.”

Another girl comes in late, the teacher asks her: “and why are you late?”

Girl replies, “I was out blowing bubbles.”

Once again, another girl comes into class la...

A chemistry teacher gives his class a question

Teacher “there are two liquids water and butane can someone please give me a quantity for them”
Student at the front “a ton”
Teacher “ok then what is the heavier the ton of water or the ton of butane”
The teacher asked each student the same question and each of them answered that they wer...

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A female class teacher was having a problem with a boy in her 3rd grade class.

The boy said, "Madam, I should be in Grade 4. I am smarter than my sister & she's in Grade 4".

The Madam had heard enough and took the boy to the principal. The principal decided to test the boy with some questions from Grade 4.

Principal: What is 3+3?

Boy: 6.

Princip...

Dr. Parker, the biology instructor at a posh suburban girl's junior college, said during class, "Miss Smith, would you please name the organ of the human body, which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define the conditions."

Miss Smith gasped, blushed deeply, then said freezingly,
Dr. Parker, I do not think that is a proper question to
ask me, you should be asking a boy. And I assure you my
parents will hear of this." With that she sat down, very
red-faced.

Unperturbed, Dr. Parker called on Miss John...

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I’m a special education teacher. We do a joke of the day. A student made this up and told the class: What did the 2 say to the 4?

You’re a cunt.

Still cracks me up whenever I think about riz

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I was misbehaving in class...

I was misbehaving in class one day, and was sent out of the classroom to the head’s office.

He said to me “This is the 4th time this week! We’re going to have to take this further. I’m going to call your father and ask him to come down so we can discuss your punishment.”

I can’t wait t...

Why did the communist kill all of the civilians in the town square, regardless of their social class?

Because he was an expert Marxman.

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During a class on human sexuality, the professor was discussing various items in the Kinsey Report.

The students gasped audibly when the professor told them of a woman who had several hundred orgasms in a single session.

A male voice said, "Wow, who was she?"

A female voice followed with, "The hell with that... who was HE ?!!!

Why is the stoner communist always top of his class?

Because he gets high Marx

A policeman searched me in a public toilet last night and found a small bag of class A drugs

"It's not my fault," I said, "Every time I try flushing them down the toilet they magically appear back in my pocket again."

"Do you really expect me to believe that?" he laughed. I said, "I'll prove it to you if you want me to!"

"Go on then." he smiled, handing me the bag.

Afte...

Teacher: Class, use "whom" in a sentence.

Pedro: Ma'am! *Raises hand* Let's go whom.

Teacher :v

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One day, a teacher assigns the class to find out the definition of “politics.”

One day, a teacher assigns the class to find out the definition of “politics.”

One little boy in the class goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?" The dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your mother, she...

What do you call a pig in kung fu class?

Pork chop

I once lied in biology class and told everyone I could touch the tiny hairs in my nose - They all laughed.

I'd never felt cilia.

Two women were dressing in the locker room after their aerobics class when one noticed that the other was pulling on a pair of men's briefs. "So when did you start wearing men's underwear?" the first asked.

"Ever since my husband found a strange
pair under the bed."

Two nuns are walking down the street when they notice that a man is following them.

Sister Michael, the older and wiser nun, says to the young and naïve Sister Patrick, "See that crossroad ahead? You go left and I'll go right: he can't follow us both. We'll meet back at the Abbey."

So the sisters part and the man follows Sister Michael.

Some time later, Sister Patrick...

Every day before class, I read my student a joke from r/jokes, but today I couldn’t make it.

So instead, a sub Reddit.

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Little Susie goes to church every Sunday, but she has trouble staying awake during class...

Little Johnny sits behind her, and one day a nun comes up to Susie and asks her,

“What is the name of out lord and savior?”

Little Johnny pokes Susie in the back with a stick to wake her up, she jolts up and yells

“Jesus Christ!”

“Very good Susie.”

She falls back a...

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A third grade teacher asks the class to each tell her where their fathers work.

About half way through the class she notices one of the little boys sobbing with his head down on his desk. When she asks the little boy what was wrong he replies “my daddy is dead”. The teacher feeling horrible says “I’m so sorry. What did your daddy do before he died?” The little boy says “He tur...

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A teacher is trying to instruct her class on the meaning of the word "definitely".

"Can anyone give man an example?" She asks.

Suzie raises her "the grass is definitely green."

"Sometimes the grass can be brown," the teacher answers. "Anyone else?"

"The sky is definitely blue." Says Timmy.

"The sky can by gray if it's cloudy, or black at night." Says th...

In class, my statistics teacher said, "The lottery is a tax on fools who can't do math."

I shrugged and said, "Hell, anybody can win the lottery."

My statistics teacher smirked, folded his arms and asked, "Do you even know the chances of a person winning the lottery?"

I said, "Yep. 100%. A person always wins."

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Due to the pandemic, I had to drop out of my marksmanship class.

I'm going to miss everyone.

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I’m posing nude for an art class this evening.

Nobody asked me to.

>!I think they’re making ceramic bowls.!<

Student: Can I borrow a pencil?

**Teacher:** I don't know, can you borrow a pencil?

**Student:** Aha, but I clearly meant to ask for permission. Since you and the rest of the class understood my intent perfectly well, and the word "may" to show permission is rapidly falling out of fashion, there is nothing wrong with asking...

What is the worst part of ancient history class?

The teachers tend to Babylon.

My teacher said "What is used to measure power?" In class once.

I told her she was right.

The new class teacher

Little Johnny goes to school one day and is informed that they have a new class teacher.

A young, charming lady walks in to the class, smiles and says, “Good Morning everyone. I am your new class teacher, my name is Miss Prussy.”
She looks at the kids startled at her unusual name and say...

Trump is visiting a class in an elementary school where they are talking about words and meanings

The teacher asks Trump if he would like to lead the class in a discussion of the word “tragedy”.

So he asks the class for an example of a tragedy. One little boy stands up and offers, “if my best friend who lives on a farm is playing in a field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him...

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Dad: I heard that you got punished for saying the F-word in class. That’s wasn’t fun, was it?

Son: No, it was Fuck.

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A teacher asks her class, "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Little Johnny says "I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best bitch with me, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Hawaii, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her three times a day". T...

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A teacher gave her kindergarten class various lifesavers.

The kids started identifying the taste by the colour. So one day, the teacher gave all of the kids honey lifesavers, and told them to guess what flavour they were. She gave them a hint: "It's what your mother may sometimes call your father." One girl spit it out and cried "Oh my god! They're asshole...

A suicide bomber instructor addressing his class said.....

"Alright everyone, watch me closely because I'm only going to do this once"

Teacher asks the class if they can make a sentence with the word contagious in it.

Little Billy puts his hand up, my dad seen our neighbour painting his fence with a small brush and said that will take that contagious.

A teacher is teaching, when a boy comes to class late.

Teacher: Why are you late?

Boy: I was on Jasmine Hill, Miss.

*A second boy and a girl come in*

Teacher: (to boy 2) Why are you late?

Boy 2: I was on Jasmine Hill, Miss.

Teacher: (to girl) I guess you were on Jasmine Hill as well.

Girl: No, Miss. I am Jasmine...

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Teacher: Why is your cat in class today?

Student: Because i heard my dad tell my mom, "i'm going to eat that pussy once our son leaves for school today".

I was doing well in gym class until we got to the skiing unit.

It was downhill from there.

Today in my business class, the teacher asked us what a stakeholder was.

Apparently, Buffy the Vampire Slayer wasn't the right answer.

An upper-class Englishman is going through his household accounts.

After a moment he looks up and says to his wife, "you know, darling, if you learnt how to prepare meals properly, we could spend less on the chef."

His wife replied, " And if you knew how to screw properly, we could get rid of the chauffeur."

One day, Little Johnny is sitting in class when the teacher asks a question.

“Okay class, if 5 birds are sitting on a fence, and you shoot one of them, how many are left?”

Little Johnny gets super excited that he knows the answer to this one and raises his hand. The teacher points to Little Johnny and asks him what the answer is. Johnny says “0, cause’ if you shoot ...

A teacher asks her class what their favorite letter is.

A student puts up his hand and says 'G'. The teacher walks over to him and says, "Why is that, Angus?"

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A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane.

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane.
The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.
The man went back to his reading.
A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a t...

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A flight is on its way to Sydney when a blonde in economy class gets up, and moves up to the first class section and sits down.

The flight attendant watches her do this, and asks to see her ticket.

She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class, and that she will have to sit in the back.

The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Sydney and I’m staying right here”.

The flight...

Good ole little Johnny was sitting in class

The teacher drew a line with three birds on it up on the blackboard.



"Ok, class, there are three birds on a wire, if one of the birds falls off, how many birds are left?"



As she erases one of the birds on the blackboard, little Susie in the front row raises her hand and...

My teacher always starts her class by reading one of the posts from r/jokes, but today she’s absent.

So instead, a subreddit.

They should have a class in school focused on getting a good night sleep.

Rest Ed

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When I was in 4th grade, one of the boys in my class called me "a homo" in front of the class and I thought it meant "homeless".

And I was confused, so I said, "But Jeremy, you've been to my house!"

If your professor dies during your online class, what grade would you get?

An F.
To pay respects.

The worst part of having to do zoom classes out due to coronavirus is

I keep getting bullet holes in my monitor

a german kid fails his art class

and his dad changes his last name

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I told a Chemistry Joke to a class.

But the students were so dumb, I saw no reaction.

In 8th grade english class I wrote a script titled "The Pun"

The very first set description in the script said that the stage was to be painted over with random words and phrases.


When I handed in the assignment, my teacher came up to me and asked: "Why is your script titled 'The Pun' and why is the floor covered with phrases?"

"Because m...

Coronavirus has a ~0.2% mortality rate among young people, so in a class of 50, if everyone got it, there would be a ~10% chance of anyone dying

I nominate Jared

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I've been expelled from school for calling out a class mate who was joking about black people.

Apparently, I shouldn't have called him a speciest.

Little Johnny walked into class with only one shoe.

The teacher asks Johnny with a chuckle,
“What happened? Did you lose a shoe?”
Johnny looks up and responds,
“No ma’am, I found one.”

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Today in history class, I learned that Hitler was gay,

he was Europe's most feared dick taker.

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One day at school the home room teacher was absent and the kids had a substitute. He started class and took attendance. 15 minutes late, a boy showed up.

Trying do do his job well he asked, where have you been?

The boy, John, responded " I was on Cherry Hill."

"ok" said the teacher. "Well take a seat." So the boy did.

Than 7 minutes later another boy, Lenny, got to class. "Why are you so late?!" The confused substitute teacher a...

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Dirty Johnny is in Sunday School when the teacher asks the class,

"What happened when Jesus went to Mount Olive?"

Johnny's hand shot up. Since Johnny never raised his hand, the teacher called on him.

Johnny knowingly grinned and yelled, "Popeye kicked the shit out of him".

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A kindergarten teacher was playing a game with her class

The game involved little hard candies, handing one of each flavor to every student. She told her students to eat the red ones first, then guess what it tastes like. They all ate the red one and after a few minutes they guessed it tasted like Strawberries, they were correct. Next the teacher had them...

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Professor told dirty jokes in class

Professor told dirty jokes in class and the women wanted to protest it.

So they decided that in the next time that the professor will start with these kinds of jokes,they all will leave the class as a protest.
Somehow the professor heard about the protest.

In the next lecture,in th...

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Congratulations to the class of 2020

You are the first class that will have a 100% participation in the annual “senior skip day” championship.

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I got kicked out of math class.

Apparently, "rinsing your mouth" is the wrong answer to "what comes after 69?"

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[NSFW] One time after swimming class with 3th grade the boys in the locker room noticed that I wasn't circumcised.

I first noticed it when I heard some whispering while getting changed. Eventually in class they where still talking about it the whole time. During recess a group of kids came to me to ask if they can see it. First I was a little shy, but after some pear pressure I gave in.
So we went to the toil...

How has there not been a class action lawsuit against the major diaper companies?

Those things have never held the 22-37 pounds they advertise.

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What can a teacher say in class and during sex?

I better wrap this one up, because you'll miss your next period.

Hooker: “$10 on grass, $30 on sofa, $50 in bed” Man: “I’ll pay $50”

Hooker: “You’re a man of class :)”


Man: “Class my ass, I want it five times on grass”

A teacher asks the class to name something they are not good at, beginning with the letter O. One student raises his hand and answers...

Spelling


(Stephen Cookson)

My prophecy class was just cancellled

Due to unforeseen reasons.

Little Johnny is in math class

The teacher asks him :
- Walmart sells two dozen bottles of wine at $2 a bottle, how much is that ?

- At home, it's about four days ma'am!

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A teacher asked her class, "What is sex?"

Johnny got up and said, "Sex is a temptation caused by a sensation where a boy sticks his location into a girl's destination to increase the population of the next generation.


"Did you get my explanation, or do you need a demonstration?"

I've just got back from my new French self defence class

I'm absolutely exhausted. I've never run so much in my life.

A student never turns in his homework because his dog keeps eating it. After moving to online classes, the teacher thought he finally wouldn’t have an excuse.

Because of the global pandemic, the teacher had to move the assignments online. Thinking of this student, she thought that he surely wouldn’t have an excuse anymore and would finally have to turn an assignment in.

But after the assignment was due and the teacher was done grading, she noticed...

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A student in a psych class is asking his professor about sexual fetishes.

##

Student: Do you know the scientific names of most of the sexual fetishes?

Prof: I believe I know just about all of them, I’ve been teaching psychology for over 40 years.

Student: well what do you call a person who is aroused by dead people.

Prof: easy, that’s a necrop...

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Interviewer: are you smart? Bob: I'm not smart, but I am clever. Interviewer: How so? Bob: in class, I sat next to the dumbest and second dumbest person in class, I'm the third dumbest, but by peeking at their tests, I got the highest score in the class.



Interviewer: how's that possible? Bob: by process of elimination. None of our answers could be correct.

What’s the last thing that went through the capitalist’s mind when the plane crashed while in first class?

The economy

teacher and class

Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?"

Students: "Meat!"

Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"

Students: "Bacon!"

Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"

Students: "Homework!"

I have an exam tomorrow for my “Women in Saudi Arabia” class, and I’m sure I am going to fail.

It covers everything.

Why was Osama bin laden kicked out of geometry class?

He kept blowing up the rectangles and pentagons

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Little Johnny's in South African Geography Class.

The teacher says "Johnny why didn't you do your homework?"

Johnny says "cos there was fokol for breakfast."

The Teacher says "That's not cool don't say fokol in my class. Quiz time:"

"Where is the Namibian border?"

Thabo says "To the North of The Northern Cape."

S...

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A philosophy professor walks in to give his class their final.

Placing his chair on his desk the professor instructs the class, "Using every applicable thing you've learned in this course, prove to me that this chair DOES NOT EXIST."

So, pencils are writing and erasers are erasing, students are preparing to embark on novels proving that this chair doesn'...

I took a class on Microsoft Office

I guess you can say that I Excel at it. I mean hey, if you don't believe me, you have my Word that I can give you Access to my certificate.

One day in Contract Law class, Professor Jepson asked one of his better students, "Now if you were to give someone an orange, how would you go about it?" The student replied, "Here's an orange." The professor was livid. "No! No! Think like a lawyer!"

The student then recited, "Okay, I'd tell him, 'I hereby give and convey to you all and singular, my estate and interests, rights, claim, title, calim and advantages of and in, said orange, together with all its rind, juice, pulp, and seeds, and all rights and advantages with full power to bite, cut...

I was taught in my Journalism class that "Pen is mightier than Sword" and I believed it

But after watching John Wick, I realized it's "Pencil that's mightier than the Sword"

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A little boy was sitting in class...

The teacher decided that since it was Friday afternoon, and there was nothing left to do for the week, she'd let the students go home early if they could answer a question correctly.

The teacher said: "Okay class, which president said: 'The only thing we have to fear, is fear itself'?"
...

What did the Australian teacher say to his talkative literature class

Excuse me everyone please stop Tolkien

Why did the sperm go to class?

Because I wore the wrong socks today.

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Money can’t buy class.

Sure you can, it’s called tuition.

A teacher asked the class

A teacher asked the class of first graders for the ones which was idiots to stand up.

After a short while 1 of the students stood up, then the teacher asked him

"Do you think you're an idiot?"

the student then responded

"No, I just felt bad that you had to stand alone"

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I got voted "Least Likely To Succeed" by my high school class...

Fuck, I hate being a teacher.

What do they call the guy who graduates dead last in his medical school class?

"Doctor". They call him "Doctor".

Why is gum similar to guns?

If you take one out during class, everyone starts acting like your friend.

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I just overslept and missed my first statistics class.

What are the chances of that?

When a special kid comes late into class

Is it okay to call them tardy?

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners asked her students the following question:

"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner
with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"


Michael said: "Just a minute I have to go pee."


The teacher responded by saying: "That would
be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, ho...

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This girl always looks at me when I'm in class. But when I asked her out she ran away.

Well... Jokes on her, now I'm gonna make her fail my class

My calculus professor was late 16 minutes for his first class, 8 minutes late for the second, and 4 minutes for the third.

At this rate, he’ll never be in class on time.

Our Earth Science Class took a fieldtrip to a place where scientists drill through sedimentary rocks for specimens of local strata, but I didn't really enjoy the trip.

It was just boring.

Why should you not drink water during chemistry class?

Coz it decreases your concentration.

A teacher says to her class one day, "Whoever answers my next question, can go home."

A boy throws his bag out the window.

The teacher asks, “Who just threw that?”

The boy says, “Me! I’m going home now.”

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So there’s this teacher that tells her class anyone who correctly answers a special question she’s going to ask on Friday won’t have to come to school on Monday.

On the first Friday, the teacher asks, "How many grains of sand are in the beach?" Needless to say, no one could answer.

The following Friday, the teacher asks the class, "How many stars are in the sky?" and again no one could answer. Frustrated, little Johnny decides that the next Friday, he...

Chemistry class has only taught me one thing...

Alcohol is always a solution.

A poor man, a well off middle class man, and an extremely wealthy man in the 1% find themselves at the same event. The poor man and middle class man run into the wealthy man when they find out there's complimentary donuts and arrive to see him wrapping up 10 of the last 12 donuts and pocketing them

As the wealthy man is leaving he walks up to the middle class guy, motions to the poor man and whispers in his ear: "watch out, he's trying to take your donut.

Kid at my school, running for class president:

"Hello, everyone please stand up."

*we stand up*

"Okay, you can sit down again now."

*we sit down*

"That was to show that i have power over you. Vote for me."

A teacher in Ireland is giving an English lesson and asks the class for examples of when they have heard the word "contagious" being used…

One eager child says, "Daddy says to cover my mouth when I cough because my cold is contagious!"

"Very good!" replied the teacher. "Has anybody else got an example?"

"My mummy says my laugh is contagious!" said another child.


"Great answer!" said the teacher, "How about you...

A little British boy raises his hand to ask his teacher a question

"Miss, My mother says freedom is the most beautiful thing in the world. What does freedom mean?"

The teacher seeing the importance of this question for the sweet, innocent child, thinks quickly about how best to respond.

She smiles sweetly and says "Why don't you come up and tell the c...

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Professor: "You are failing your ethics class."

Me: *slides a $50 across the desk*
"How about now?"

High school guys be dating middle schoolers but are late to class

Like bro, your worrying about the wrong first period.

What did the math teacher say to his trig class when he saw the test?

This should be smooth scalene for you guys

A student fell asleep in class so the teacher kicked him. "WTF!" the student screamed.

"You have been kicked due to inactivity."

What do you call a doctor that finishes bottom of their class?

Doctor.

For major decisions always get a second opinion!

What did the mermaid wear to her math class?

An algae bra.

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The Logical Redneck

Two rednecks decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead. The first goes in to see the counselor, who tells him to take Math, History, and Logic.

"What's Logic?" the first redneck asks.

The professor answers by saying, "Let me giv...

What does a French student say when is late to class ?

Sorry, omelette

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Anatomy class...

A anatomy teacher teaches his students during an autopsy... he says:

“There are two main traits, a good surgeon must have... first is, nothing can disgust him!”

He proceeds to stick his finger in the corpses asshole, pulls it out and sucks on it... Half the students start throwing up....

Eminem is that guy in chemistry class that raps the whole periodic table.

But skips Oxygen.

So We were learning about cell division in biology class today.

I ended up stubbing my toe somehow and i had to go home because it hurt so bad.
When my sister asked what hurt, i said “mitosis.”

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A class was asked to write a concise essay containing 4 elements : religion, royalty,sex and mystery.

The only "A+"in the class read:

"My God," said the Queen," I'm pregnant. I wonder who did it ?".

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Eating ass is like flying first class...

You only do it once, and there aren't enough hot towels in the world to make up for the price you paid.

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A mechanics professor is noticing his class is losing interest...

... so he decides to ask them a question to keep them on their toes.

*"What,"* he asks the class *"is the rate of change of speed?"*

*"Acceleration"* retorts the class.

*"And what, is the rate of change of Acceleration?"*

A couple of students in the class raises their han...

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First-year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body.

They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them,

"In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body." As an ex...

My girlfriend kept begging me to go with her to her origami class she had been taking.

I kept resisting until one day, she gave me "that look".

I folded.

Maths Class

Teacher: What is 5x2

Jamal: 10

Teacher: Correct! What is 5x6

Jamal: 9

Teacher: Wrong! Its 30.

Jamal: 8

Teacher: "0.0"

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Little April was not the best student in Sunday school...

Usually she slept through the class.
One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?"

When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and t...

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