UPJOKE
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Elsa was complaining to her friend about a boy from their class.

“He’s pretty creepy. He knows so many dirty songs!”, she said.

“And he sings them around you?”, her friend asked.

“No, but he whistles them.”

In math class the students are learning about fractions.



The teacher asks Lindsey, "What would your mother do if she had 7 kids, but only 4 apples?" Lindsey says, "She'd make applesauce!"



And yes, this joke is from the days before tape diagrams...

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I was voted “Least likely to Succeed” by my high school class.

I hate being a teacher.

What’s considered trashy if you’re poor but class if you’re rich?

Florida

I took a class recently on the history of food preservation.

In the early days, metal containers were the cheapest and easiest to make, so almost all food was stored in cans. Tin was a particularly soft and easy to mold/shape, and didn’t rust like other options, so most preserved food cans were made of tin.

Things went great for a while, with some food...

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A sex Ed teacher walks into class with a condom and a banana

He addresses the class and says "today i will show you how to use a condom and i have this banana because i can't get hard on an empty stomach"

Little Johnny was in class and his teacher asked

Little Johnny was in class and his teacher asked "how many of you guys are trump fans?" since the entire class wanted to be liked by the teacher, they all raised their hands. Well except little Johnny. So the teacher asks, "why are you being different again Johnny....." so little Johnny says "well b...

During English class the teacher asks Little Johnny "have you ever heard of the word contagious before?"

"Of course miss" Johnny replies "my father actually said it when we were talking yesterday".

"Can you repeat it for the class and tell us how he used it in a sentence?"

"Yes, miss. We were watching the neighbour take his garbage out when his bin tipped over spilling rubbish all over ...

Two schoolgirls are talking about who to vote for Class President.

"I'm voting for Mark. He's so dreamy!"

"I'm not voting for that big horndog. Every time he sees me he gets turned on. He tries to act like it's not happening, but it's pretty obvious."

"So?"

"I'm not voting for an erection denier."

A teacher asked the children in her 3rd-year class, "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Little Johnny answered first. "I want to start out as a S.A.S. officer, go to the Middle East and kill loads of militant Muslims, return as a national hero, then become a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest nymphomaniac tart, give her a Ferrari, an apartment in Copacabana...

A girl tells her mother after school ‘Mum, I got a gold star today for reciting the whole alphabet! The rest of my class only knows 3 or 4 letters!

‘Well done darling’ the girl’s mother replies. ‘That’s because you’re blonde.’ After returning from school the next day the girl tells her mother ‘I am the smartest student in my maths class! I can count up to 15! Everyone else stopped at about 5’ ‘Well done’ replies the mother again. ‘That’s becaus...

Why did Count Dracula fail art class?

He could only draw blood.

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A college professor reminds her class of the next day’s final exam saying, “I won’t tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever"

A guy sitting at the back asks, “What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"

The teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, and says, “Well, I guess you’d have to write the exam with your other hand.”

What math class does a tree with a speech disorder take?

Twigonometry.

What do you call a medical school student who graduates with the lowest grade point average in his class?

A doctor

I'm taking BDSM classes

and the normal teacher is out this week so we've got a sub.

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A blonde boards a plane, flying economy...

Once the plane has taken off, and the seatbelt signs have turned off, she gets up, takes her stuff, and moves a few rows forward to an unoccupied first class seat.

One of the cabin crew approaches her, and politely says "excuse me madame, but you can't sit here. This is a first class seat, an...

Mrs. Applebee, the 6th grade teacher, posed the following problem to one of her classes:

"A wealthy man dies and leaves ten million dollars. One-fifth is to go to his wife, one-fifth is to go to his son, one-sixth to his butler, and the rest to charity. Now, what does each get?"
After a very long silence in the classroom, Little Johnny raised his hand.
The teacher called on Little...

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I’m taking rock climbing lessons and my dad suggested I sign up for a mattress making class.

It’s ….. something to fall back on.

The Dean at the community college called in her English as a Second Language (ESL) professor after all of his students stormed out of his first class and withdrew from the college.

"What in the world did you do to those students to make them all leave on the first day of class?", she asked him.

"Not much, I just gave them one sentence to read.", he replied.

"What was the sentence?", she wanted to know.

"John thought he was being thorough although all he di...

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A teacher asked the class if anyone knew the meaning of the word contagious.

Little Billy puts his hand up and the teacher says “Billy, you know the meaning of the word contagious?” Billy says “yes Miss, I do!” The teacher replies, “well then Billy, I’d like to see you use it in a sentence” Billy says “ok then, the other day my dad and I were walking down the road and saw a ...

The Grim Reaper started hosting an art class in their spare time.

They call it, a brush with Death!

I took a class on 'The Silence of the Lambs'

It was a Hannibal lecture.

What was the first online class?

Drying laundry 101

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"Son, I heard you got punished for using the F word in class. That wasn't fun was it?"

"NO DAD. It was fuck."

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A lawyer boards a plane and takes his seat in business class.

A few moments later, two more men wander in and sit next to him. They get to chatting and he discovers they are doctors.

After a few moments, one of the doctors comments that he needs a drink.

"It's ok, I'll get it for you," says the lawyer, and gets up. The doctors notice he has take...

I was teaching my science class about Pavlov.

The students were laughing at the stupidity of the dogs.

Then the bell rang and they all got up and rushed to the canteen for lunch.

A boy and his class visit a zoo

At the zoo, a frog expert explains how to tell the difference between male frogs and female frogs. "The male frogs only eat female flies, while the female frogs only eat male flies."

The boy asks "How do you tell the difference between male flies and female flies?"

The frog expert look...

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A flight is on its way to Paris when a blonde in economy class gets up, and moves to the first class section and sits down The flight attendant watches her do this, and asks to see her ticket.

She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class, and that she will have to sit in the back.

The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Paris, and I’m staying right here”.

The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the co-pilot that th...

WW1 pilot talks to class

He tells about a dogfight he was in. “There were Fokkers to the right, Fokkers to the left, Fokkers above and Fokkers below.” The teacher says, “Children, Fokkers are a type of airplane.” Pilot says, “Yeah, except these Fokkers were Messerschmitts. “

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The teacher of little Johnny's class asks the pupils if they can use the word 'beautiful' in a sentence...

A little boy sticks his hand up.
"Yes, Daniel"
"I saw a butterfly on my way to school this morning, and it was beautiful", says Daniel.
"Very good, Daniel", smiles the teacher, "Anybody else?".
Veronica's hand goes up. "I told my mummy last night that she looked beautiful in her new dr...

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A boy tells his father "Dad, my math teacher is asking to see you.”

The father asks "What happened?"

“Well, she asks me, 'how much is 7 x 9?' I answer '63' , then she asks, 'and 9 x 7?' so I ask 'what's the fucking difference?'"

"Indeed, what is the difference?" says the father. ''Sure, I'll go.''

The next day, the boy comes home from school an...

A Science Teacher stood in the front of the class and said, "Children, if you could have one raw material in the world, what would it be?"

Little Stevie raised his hand and said "I would want gold, because gold is worth a lot of money and I could buy a Corvette." The teacher nodded, and then she called on little Susie.

Little Susie said, "I would want platinum because platinum is worth more than gold and I could buy a Porsche." ...

I took a Microsoft Office class in high school.

I Excelled in it

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A prostitute is taking some night classes and struggling with the math.

One day, it clicks. She says, "I give like 5 blowjobs a day. That's like 35 blowjobs a week!" The teacher is so proud, "Now you're thinking with your head!"

So there's this football team that needs to take a plane for their next game and all have first class seats.

Unfortunately the airline overbooked first class and one of the player's has to give up their seat.

The team captain steps up and says, "put me in coach."

I took an astronomy class in college but it was harder than I expected.

I had to study day and night.

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The headmistress at my exclusive girl’s college was lecturing us on Sexual morality...... “In moments of temptation,” she said to the class, “ask yourself just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?”

She got so furious when I got up and asked “How do you make it last an hour?”

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An MIT linguistics professor was lecturing his class.

"In the English language," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative. But there isn't a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative."

A voice from the back of the room says, "...

"I'll do ANYTHING for an "A" in this class!"

"ANYTHING?!?" the professor asked.

"Yes," she said, "ANYTHING!"

"Will you . . . . study?"

I joined a carpenters class last week, but I haven't made anything yet.

We've only just begun.

One day the teacher is giving a lesson in class…

“There are three birds on a wire. If a hunter shoots one, how many are left?”
The teacher calls on little Johnny.
“None.” he says.
“No, but try again.” The teacher says
“None.” Johnny says again “Because if you shoot one, the rest will get scared and fly away.”
The teacher says “N...

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Second grade teacher asks her class to use the word "definitely" in a sentence

Little Johnny raises his hand. The teacher calls on him. He asks "Teacher, do farts have lumps in them?"

The teacher says, "Johnny, that's not a response to the question I asked."

Johnny repeats, "Teacher, do farts have lumps in them?"

The teacher gives in and says, "No - fart...

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A female class teacher was having a problem with a boy in her 3rd grade class. The boy said, "Madam, I should be in Grade 4. I am smarter than my sister & she's in Grade 4".

The Madam had heard enough and took the boy to the principal. The principal decided to test the boy with some questions from Grade 4.

Principal: What is 3+3?

Boy: 6.

Principal: 6+6.

Boy: 12.

The boy got all the questions right. The principal told the Madam to send ...

Would the people who signed up for the yodelling class please form an

orderly, orderly, orderly, orderly-y queue?

What

An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final exam after a semester dealing with a broad array of topics.

The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor picked up his chair, plopped it on his desk and wrote on the board: “Using everything we have learned this ...

Jimmy farts in the classroom and his teacher gets really upset and throws him out.

He sits outside the class and can’t stop laughing. The principle walks by and sees him. He asks, “Jimmy, why are you sitting outside your class laughing?"

“I farted in class and the teacher threw me out.” The principle asks him again, “Well then, why are you laughing?”

“Because those i...

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Snape glares at Harry as he arrives late to class.

“Late again, Mr. Potter?", he snarls, "One hundred points from Gryffindor.”



Harry balks, “One hundred points?! Are you fucking serious?!”



Snape grows even paler than usual as looks down and says, “Albus told you, didn't he?”

"I do not tolerate tardiness," a professor tells his class at the beginning on the semester.

Looking out at the sea of stricken faces in the large lecture hall he continues. "There are 300 of you, and only one of me. I will not allow you to waste my time. If you are late to class, I will count you as absent for the day. If you hand in an assignment late, it will not count towards your grade...

A substitute teacher is calling roll for a class and notices a few kids are missing.

One boy comes in 5 minutes late. The sub asks "Where have you been?". "I was on top of Cherry Hill" responds the boy. The sub marks him late and the boy takes his seat.

Another boy comes in 5 minutes later. The sub asks "Where have you been?". "I was on top of Cherry Hill" responds the boy. T...

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It was my school reunion at the weekend, and the main topic of conversation was still about the stunning supply teacher we had one day in the early eighties who gave a lad a blow job in front of the entire class.

She went down in history.

The gynocologist turned mechanic...

After 20 years in the industry, a gynecologist decides he wants to try something new, so he takes some classes on automotive work. After completing the final, which consisted of a written test and a practical, he asked his instructor how he did.

"Well, you earned 150 points out of 100." The I...

I started dating this girl in high school just because we had the same class schedule

What can I say? We had Chemistry together.

Recently I've started teaching a poetry class in a maximum security prison.

It's a tough job but I enjoy it. It really has it's prose and cons.

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Our teacher asked us to come up with a catchy headline for a inter-school football match, a child in my class came up with...

Teacher - Children please suggest a catchy headline for the football event coming up in which our school is participating

Child - Kick thier balls!

(True event)

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A man is seated in 1st class with an open seat next to him.

Anxiously awaiting departure he can't believe his luck when a stunningly beautiful blonde approaches. As she sits down next to him he silently vows to abstain from hitting on her. It's doubtless she's had that happen to her frequently. She settles in and they're off and heading for San Francisco i...

What is T-Rex's favorite class of weapons?

small arms

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One day in artillery instruction, a colonel came to inspect our class.

First up was Private O'Hara. The colonel got in his face and asked him what reading he had on his 105-mm howitzer. "Two-nine-oh-seven, sir," was the reply.
"Soldier," said the colonel, "don't you know you never say 'oh' in the artillery? You say 'zero.' What's your name, soldier?"

"Zero Ha...

A math teacher welcomed a new French exchange student into her class and then started teaching a lesson on fractions.

The French exchange student raised his hand and said, "Excuse me Madam, but I don't know how to say fractions. How do you say those?"

"Easy," said the teacher, "you just say the top number and then the bottom number is read as an ordinal number. For example, 2/3 is 'two-thirds', 3/4 is 'three...

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SUMMER CAMP FOR Husbands. Evening classes for men. Starting this month.

*Summer camp*

Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty of the content, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants each.

*Topic 1.*
How to fill ice-cube trays and why to fill water bottles before putting them back in the fridge.
Step by step with slide pre...

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One day at the end of class, Little Johnny’s teacher asks the class to go home and think of a story to be concluded with a moral of the story

One day at the end of class, little Johnny's teacher asks the class to go home and think of a story to be concluded with the moral of that story.

The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story.

Little Suzy raises her hand.

“My dad owns a farm...

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Dave was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome.

He mentioned the trip to the barber, who responded,

“Why would anyone want to go there? It’s crowded and dirty and full of Italians. You’re crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?”

“We’re taking United,” was the reply. “We got a great rate!”

“United!” exclaimed the ...

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Little Johnny and politics

Little Johnny asks his dad: "*Dad, what is politics?*"

The dad replies: "*Let me give you an example: I'm the capitalist because I bring home the money; your mother is the government because she manages the money; the maid is the working class, while you are the people and your sister is the ...

My professor told me that I’m failing my ethics class

So I slid 20 dollars across the table and said _what about now...?_

Today, in the computing class, we were talking about ICT fools.

*tools.

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What do you call a horny geometry class?

Erectangle

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Three couples are trying to join a very conservative church

After going through all of the night classes, Bible lectures, and vows, the minister says they have one final test: they must abstain from relations for one week. All of them agree and go on their way.

When they return, the minister asks them how they did.

The first couple is in their...

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The 6th-grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, “Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?”

No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, “You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I’m going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!”

Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, “Which body part increases to...

A teacher is quizzing her class

Teacher: you use forest for?

Students: getting wood

Teacher: fertile lands for?

Students: growing food

Teacher: sea for?

Quiet kid: explosions

In class today, we’re talking about where are parents are from. I said my mom is from England and my dad is from the U.S.

“So you’re Brit-ish?”

Why did the Twitter kid have a panic attack in Maths class?

Because the teacher said they will be learning about Ratios.

A substitute teacher enters the class and asks:

"What do we call it when a muscle moves in our body involuntarily?"

No answer comes from the students. After waiting for a while the teacher decides to move on with another topic, but he sees a reluctant hand rising from the back row. The teacher tells him to answer. The kid replies:

"...

The teacher asked the class to write an essay about an unusual event that happened during the past week. Little Johnny got up to read his. It began, "My daddy fell in a well last week." "Good grief!" the teacher exclaimed. "Is he OK?" "He must be," said Little Johnny.

"He stopped calling for help yesterday

Not only is my wife really funny, but she's a world class clinical oncologist too.

She has a great sense of tumour.

My son was just thrown out of school

My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand-job.
I said "Son, that's 3 schools this year! You'd better stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."

Why couldn’t the teacher fart In front of her class?

Because she was a private tutor

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Teacher to class.

Teacher: Can anyone give me a sentence with the word 'Pistol' in it?

Sophie: "My daddy is a soldier,he has a suit of blue, he has a sword,

a bayonet and he has a pistol too."

Teacher: "Very good Sophie."

Johnny: " Miss, my father isn't a soldier, he doesn't have a suit of...

I have come to realize that all my exes in Archaeology class are doing better than me

They just seem to have a natural ability to dig up the past.

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Essay

A university creative writing class was asked to write a concise essay containing these four elements: - religion - royalty - sex - mystery The prize-winning essay read:

“My God,” said the Queen. “I'm pregnant. I wonder who did it?”

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A pathologist is teaching her class how to do autopsies

The students are taken to the morgue and once in there they are shown the corpse of a dead man. The cadaver is bloated and old, several traumatic wounds are visible, its skin is pale and dried and the faint smell of chemicals and rot emanates from him. "To become a good pathologist you need to lear...

Russians are very flexible, and are world-class ballerinas, figure skaters, and gymnasts

They use their flexibility in other ways, too! It's the only country where there are regularly suicides with bullets to the *back* of the head.

A Karen boards a flight to Paris and takes a seat in first class that is not hers.

The first flight attendant politely asked her to move to her seat in coach. The Karen smugly replied, "I am going to Paris and I will sit wherever I please."

The second flight attendant approached her sternly and demanded that she move to coach to take her proper seat. The Karen shouted loudl...

Why did the Mexican fail his writing class?

Because he refused to turn in his essay!

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Little Johnny was sitting in class when his teacher starts asking the class words for each letter of the alphabet.

asking the class words for each letter of the alphabet. She starts with A and little Johnny hand shoots up. The teacher thinks he is going to say ass I can't call on him. She calls on another student and she says.

"Apple. I gave my teacher an apple."

Teacher responds good job and moves...

In class, a teacher asked her students what was something good that they did today

The first kid says "I gave money to a homeless man"

The second kid says "I helped my mom with the chores"

The third kid says "I helped an old lady cross the street"

The teacher was very impressed and had high hopes for the fourth kid

The fourth kid then says "I prevented ...

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A captain notices a light in the distance, on a collision course with his ship.

He turns on his signal lamp and sends, “Change your course, 10 degrees west.”

The light signals back, “Change yours, 10 degrees east.”

The captain gets a little annoyed. He signals, “I’m a US Navy captain. You must change your course, sir.”

The light signals back, “I’m a Seama...

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The class were asked the question, "If there's a fire, what steps would you take to ensure your safety?"

Apparently, "Fucking big ones!" wasn't the answer they were looking for!

“Hey, yoga class is over, want to leave?”

“Nah, I’ma stay.”

The nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question: "When you die and go to Heaven... which part of your body goes first?"

Suzy raised her hand and said "I think it's your hands.” "Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?" Suzy replied "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first.” “What a wonderful answer!" the nun said.

Little Johnny raised his hand and...

So I was teaching a church Sunday school class this morning and asked the kids what they know about resurrection. Only one child raised her hand and said...

***"I don't know what it is but I know that if it lasts for more than four hours then you should call a doctor"***

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At 581 words this long one has the advantage of making you laugh many times even before the punchline.

An out of work pianist with Tourette's Syndrome was strolling around the streets and bars of London. Walking down Dean Street he sees a lounge bar with a sign in the window: 'Pianist wanted for evening performances'. "Fucking get in there you cunt!" he says to himself and goes to the bar.

<...

A teacher told her young class to ask their parents for a family story with a moral at the end of it, and to return the next day to tell their stories.

In the classroom the next day, Joe gave his example first, "My dad is a farmer and we have chickens. One day we were taking lots of eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the truck when we hit a big bump in the road; the basket fell off the seat and all the eggs broke. The moral of the stor...

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In math class. The teacher asks the class a question."How do you give 6 people an equal share of 9 potatoes?"...

Little Boris raises his hand, the teacher calls on him. "Easy. You make mashed potatoes." He answers.

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This no kidding came from my 10 y/o today from his class. 5th Grade

Student #1: was acting rude and obnoxious toward other students in class

My kiddo: "Stop acting rude"

Student #1: "Make me"

Student #2 (a friend of my kiddo): "Your Mom and Dad already made that mistake."

Little Johnny joke.

Little Johnny was a lazy student and was failing Math badly. His parents had enough of this, so they pulled him out of regular school and enrolled him in the local Catholic school. After the first day, he came home and not a word, and headed up to his bedroom to do his Math homework. He was up there...

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A kindergarten teacher one day is trying to explain to her class the definition of the word “definitely.” To make sure the students have a good understanding of the word, she asks them to use it in a sentence.

The first student raises his hand and says, “The sky is definitely blue.”

The teacher says, “Well, that isn’t entirely correct, because sometimes it’s gray and cloudy.”

Another student says, “Grass is definitely green.”
The teacher again replies, “If grass doesn’t get enough wate...

Why did the pirate fail his Physics class?

He constantly tried to walk the Planck.

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Tired

An American soldier, serving in World War II had just returned from several weeks on the front lines.

The soldier had been granted rest and relaxation and was on a train bound for London.

The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train in hopes of finding...

I’m a class act

But my wife is an ovary act.

(thought of this during science class) A DJ conducts a science experiment with acids during his concert

Unfortunately, it all went wrong when he dropped the base

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Professor: April, you are failing my class.

April: Oh, Professor. My parents will be so mad. I’m sure we can fix this. I’ll do annnything to pass.

Professor: {gulp} anything?

April: YES! Anything you can dream up.

Professor: Will you…… study?

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A congressman was seated in first class next to a little girl on an airplane.

He turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger." The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the congressma...

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One day in class the teacher asks the students to tell a story that has a lesson?

Suzie puts her hand up and tells a story about the time she was at the beach and jumped into the water and cut her leg badly on a jagged rock she didn't see. She said the lesson of the story was to look before you leap.

Next Pete told a story about how he went with his dad to a junkyard and t...

I'm taking a beginner's class in sculpture. At the moment, I admit my work is sort of rubbish.

But when I'm finished, I'm sure it will be *complete* rubbish.

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Just failed etymology AND entomology class.

I'd tell you how much that bugs me, but I can't find the word for it.

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Story

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class.

She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home.

She read, “...and so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full ...

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Mike stopped by the bar and ran into his friend Jack.



"I've been taking evening classes at the university," Mike told Jack, "and I'm learning so much." "Who is Hobbes? Who is Mill? Who is Bentham?," Mike asked Jack.

Jack replied, "I gotta admit I don't know any of them." "But do you know who Richardson is?" Jack asked Mike. Despite ...

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A class of school children are playing a game

They are blindfolded and given a piece of food which they then eat and try to guess what it is.

They guess the first food, chocolate and they guess the second food, banana but they all get stuck on the third one, honey

The teacher tries to help them out and says "it's something your da...

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Three Boys

Three boys were taking a sex ed class. They received grades of D, D-, and F, respectively, so they plotted to get revenge.

"We should get her," said the first.

"Yeah," said the second, "let's grab her."

"Yeah," chimed in the third, "And let's kick her in the nuts."

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Due to inflation, the rapper Chamillionaire is changing his name to ChaMiddleClass.

2 Chainz also announced that he’s changing his name, due to supply chain issues

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A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane.

The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds. The man went back to reading...

A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more. Assuming that the woman might have a...

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So this supermodel is teaching math class

All the boys would be entranced by her amazing figure, and they have a hard time paying attention. Meanwhile all the girls are jealous because she’s stealing all of their men.

One day, she was giving a lecture on graphing, so she told everyone to pull out their calculators. One boy’s calcula...

I feel really bad for the class of 2020. They say the year really flies by.

I just didn’t realize it would Zoom.

Teacher in class asks riddles. She asks little Johnny:

"It's a small animal with 4 legs. What is it?"

Little Johnny says: "Dog."

Teacher replies: "But could be a cat too. Alright, another one. It's a long, thin animal with no legs."

Little Johnny: "A snake."

Teacher: "Could be. But could also be an eel."

Little Johnny:...

Trump is visiting a class in an elementary school where they are talking about words and meanings

The teacher asks Trump if he would like to lead the class in a discussion of the word “tragedy”.

So he asks the class for an example of a tragedy. One little boy stands up and offers, “if my best friend who lives on a farm is playing in a field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him...

This joke is a little crude, but...

In the early 1700s, two upper-class British gentlemen are celebrating Christmas together and giving each other gifts. The first man gives the second a fine golden pocket watch with impeccable craftmanship, a pristine and delicate item for only the wealthy. When it comes time for the second gentleman...

So, last semester I met this guy in my business class

He was cool & an international student. His name was Ving and was from China. His English was really good for a second language, better than I could ever be learning a second language. We’d often hang out and I show him the sites and tourist destinations in my city. He's much cooler as well as b...

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A teacher has an activity for the class.

"I want all of you guys to go home and get your parents to tell you a story with a moral at the end of it. You guys will come back tomorrow and share your stories." The children all nod their heads and agree. The next day, the teacher asks all the students to tell their stories. There are funny sto...

Did you hear about the cow...

... that gave world class, 1st prize winning milk?

Yeah, it was legen-dairy.

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Why am I always horny in my Chinese (Mandarin) class?

Because I have to count the strokes..

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A mother is scolding her son:

Your teacher called me today. He told me you said the "C" word in class. Is that true?

Yes, mum.

That wasn't clever now, was it?

No mum, it was cunt.

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A new Kindergarten teacher greets her class.

"Hello boys and girls, my name is Ms Prussy, it's like pussy in pussy cat but with an R."
The next day after her class has come in she asks "Does anyone remember my name?" Little Johnny blurts out "Yeah, it's Ms Crunt!"

Why did the atheist fail his math class?

He didn't believe in a higher power.

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in a sex ed class when one of my students asked "what's it like to have a penis?"

"It gets hard sometimes" I reply

Why did the archeology student stay after class?

He had a bone to pick with his professor.

An engineering student found a frog on his way to class

"If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess" the frog said.

The student smiled, thought for a minute, and put the frog in his bag and kept walking.

After a few minutes, he heard the frog calling out again, so he took it out.

"If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful p...

A Sunday school teacher was giving her class the assignment for the next week.

"Next Sunday," she said, "we are going to talk about liars, and in preparation for our lesson I want you all to read the seventeenth chapter of Mark."

The following week, at the beginning of the class meeting, the teacher said, "Now then, all of you who have prepared for the lesson by reading...

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The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not 'fascinating'.”

Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see Rock Cit...

Little Johnny's preschool class went on a field trip to the fire station.

The firefighter giving the presentation held up a smoke detector and asked the class: "Does anyone know what this is?"



Little Johnny's hand shot up and the firefighter called on him.



Little Johnny replied: "That's how Mommy knows supper is ready!"

For cookery class, our homework was to bake something.

I said I'd bake dog biscuits.

No idea how to, but i have a great excuse when i don't hand in my homework.

In the class on medical notions, the teacher asked the students to bring instruments used in a hospital.

In the class on medical notions, the teacher asked the students to bring instruments used in a hospital.

\- Susy, what did you bring?

\- A scalpel.

\- Who gave it to you?

\- My mother gave it to me.

\- And what did she say?

\- She said it's for cutting skin!...

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There's this really smart kid in my class.

He doesn't take any notes though, and prefers to rest his eyes while the teacher talks. If he suddenly opens his eyes, the teacher knows they said something wrong.

I like to rest my eyes during class too. If I suddenly open my eyes, the teacher knows class is over.

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