UPJOKE

### I just finished watching Kill Bill Volume 2

Had to have the subtitles on. Couldn't hear a thing.

### I saw an ad yesterday that said “Radio for sale \$1, volume is stuck on full blast.

I said to myself “well, I can’t turn that down.”

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### Just got offered a new TV with a broken volume button for £5.

I couldn't turn it down.

### I asked an Indian restaurant if they gave volume discounts for large catering orders

They said their prices are naan negotiable.

### Why is it impossible for a flat Earther calculate the volume of the Earth?

Because there is always a rounding error.

### A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer are asked to measure the volume of a basketball

The mathematician grabs a cord to measure its circumference and from there works out its volume.

The physicist pushes the basketball into a bucket of water and measures the water displacement.

The engineer looks it up on the catalog.

### I snuck up on my roommate and had a horn sound on my phone ready to play, and I turned the volume way up.

I pressed play, only to find that I had forgotten to remove my headphones.

### I have a GREAT new bag. I filled it halfway. Next day, I filled half the remaining volume. Next day, half the remaining volume... at this rate, it'll never fill up!

I just love my Asymp tote bag.

### A mathematician, a physicist and an engineer are tasked with finding the volume of a rubber ball

The mathematician takes the ball, measures its diameter, then calculates the volume.

The physicist submerges the ball in water and measures the amount of water displaced.

The engineer twists and turns the ball, looking for the model number.

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### For Sale. 42 inch TV. Volume button doesn't work \$20.

A deal you can't turn down

### The hair stylist said "do you want any conditioner on that?"

I said "Extra volume?" and she said "DO YOU WANT ANY CONDITIONER ON THAT?"

### What weighs more, a gallon of water or a gallon of butane?

The gallon of water. Butane is a lighter fluid.

^obligatory ^not ^my ^joke

### Ball volume

A mathematician, scientist, & engineer were tasked with finding the volume of a ball

The mathematician derived it using a formula given the circumference

The scientist measured the displaced volume when submerged in water

The engineer found the model # ...

### Joke of the Day:

HELL EXPLAINED BY CHEMISTRY STUDENT
The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term. The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying...

### People like to share their musical taste with their neighbors these quarantine days. My neighbor has been listening to death metal the entire day at full volume.

Whether he likes it or not.

### I'm selling a TV for \$1, but it's broken and it's stuck on the highest volume

It's something you can't turn down.

### The Genie

A man is working on a construction crew demolishing an old house.

Hidden inside a wall is an old oil lamp.
Thinking to himself, wouldn't it be interesting if there was a genie in this lamp.
Looking around to make sure none of his buddies are watching, least he make a fool of himself, h...

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### A obese chicken has a volume of 14 cubic inches

This means that 2.000.000.000.000.000.000.000.000.000 fat cocks fits in Uranus

Pi * z * z * a

### Gabriel's Horn is a geometric figure formed by rotating f(x)=1/x about the x axis. It has finite volume, but infinite surface area.

This is the complete opposite of the Vuvuzela, which has a finite surface area, but infinite volume

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### I like to watch porn with full volume

So I can't hear my mom complaining.

### Last night I played a blank tape at full volume.

The mime next door went nuts.

### i saw an ad for a cheap home sound system with the volume stucked on high

I couldn’t turn it down

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### A Mathematician, and Physicist, and an Engineer

are asked to find the volume of a red rubber ball.

The mathematician knows that the volume of a sphere has been mathematically determined so they measures the radius and puts it into the proper formula.

The physicist knows that Archimedes discovered how to determine the volume of an o...

### The world's leading expert on European wasps walks into a record shop.

He asks the assistant “Do you have ‘European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2? I believe it was released this week.”

“Certainly,” replies the assistant. “Would you like to listen before you buy it?”

"That would be wonderful," says the expert, and puts on a pair of headphones.

He list...

### The preacher and the painters

A preacher noticed that his church was beginning to look somewhat dingy and could use a new coat of paint.&nbsp; He asked for bids from several local outfits and selected a two-man firm which had given him the best price.

On the appointed day, the crew arrived.&nbsp; Setting up their ...

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### I bought a bottle of shampoo the other day, which promised to “increase volume”

What a load of shit, I poured half the bottle into my ear and if anything it did the opposite

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### An Irishman is walking home in Belfast, after a long day of alcohol filled festivities

His walk proves to be longer than he anticipated and nature starts calling. He keeps walking, hoping he'll make it home but he can't hold it in anymore. He looks around but can't see a place to conceal his inevitable colon loaf. He stops in the middle of the footpath, lowers his trousers, squats dow...

### How do you determine the volume of a pizza?

Well, it’s basically a very flat cylinder. Let’s give it a random radius “z” and an arbitrary height “a”.

The volume of a cylinder is 3.14 x radius squared x height.

(Pi)(z)(z)(a)

Just a joke I remembered from math class way back in the day.

### I watched a Quentin Tarantino film the other night. Kill Bill, Volume 1.

Couldn’t hear a thing.

### While browsing the charity shop window I spotted sign that read "4k 60 inch widescreen for \$1 because volume is stuck on full" I thought

I can't turn that down!

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### One night when my girlfriend was sleeping over, we were quite noisy during bed time. The next day, my parents brought us in for a talk.

They said "It's okay that you two do stuff like that, but please use a rubber and keep the volume down a little, ok?"
Which I responded to "I am sorry, the noise can be dealt with but condoms are for pussies"

"Afterall, we only had anal."

### A mathematician, a physicist and an engineer were all given a red rubber ball and told to find the volume.

The mathematician carefully measured the diameter and evaluated a triple integral.

The physicist filled a beaker with water, put the ball in the water, and measured the total displacement.

The engineer looked up the model and serial numbers in his "Red-Rubber-Ball" table.

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### TIFU- I watched porn at full volume on the work PC. Masturbated thrice and spoke to 3 female colleagues while doing the deed.

Thank god I work from home.

### Out of Respect for Meat Loaf Passing I Went to the Record Shoppe

They had Bat out of Hell and Bat Out of Hell Volume 2 but I couldn't find Volume 3. I asked them about it.

They told me "Two out of three ain't bad."

### I turned on the radio and forgot I had the volume maxed out.

Now my left and right ear hertz a lot.

### My running coach told me to increase the volume of my runs

So I unplugged the headphones and played my music from the speakers instead.

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### Sexual fetishes are getting seperate volume in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders

There is now the a-DSM and the b-DSM.

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### What did the stereo say when it lost its volume knob?

Eh, no worries... It’ll turn up.

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### In light of Trump’s increasing volume of golf: What’s the difference between Hitler and Trump?

It only took Hitler one shot to get out of the bunker he ended up in after succumbing to Russia.

### My neighbors got pretty aggressive when I played 'Zombie' at full volume last night.

I thought silence causes violence.

My dad passed away yesterday (this is true). He was 87 and had a good innings. We've done the bulk of our grieving and all is good. My brother sent me this message this morning:

"I reckon dad has already told Eddie Van Halen to turn the volume down."

___________________

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### Doesn’t it suck when you’re playing ‘Another One Bites The Dust’ On your iPhone At Full Volume...

...and everyone else at the funeral gets all pissy at you?

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### Two students are waiting to give their oral tests...

The first student's turn comes, and he goes inside

Examiner- Suppose you are traveling by train, and suddenly it gets hot, what will you do?

Student- I will open the window.

Examiner- Great, now suppose that the area of the window is 10 sq. ft, the volume of the car is 1000 cubi...

### Where can you find the highest volume of insecurities trading in the world?

The New York Stalk Exchange

### Sin city we all know is Las Vegas, but do you know what Den city is?

Mass over volume.

### Storing prisoners in suspended animation by volume!?

No! You have to weigh the frozen cons.

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### What's in a name?

An American college student visits Ireland while traveling throughout Europe. He finds a quiet town and enters a pub. It's empty save for the bartender and an old man at the far end of the bar. The American student sits down and politely orders a Guinness.

The old man speaks loudly and unprom...

### I tried to run an experiment on the effect of dehydration on human urine volume

But the p-value was too low.

### An engineer, a mathematician, and a physicist are asked to measure the volume of a pig.

The engineer answers: "we fill a pool to the brim with water, fully immerse the pig, collect the spilled water and measure its weight. The pig will have a volume of 1dm^3 per collected Kg."

The mathematician answers: "we freeze the pig, slice it and integrate the slices' areas to obtain a v...

### My Favorite Christmas Joke

It was early December, and a posh hotel was hosting a chess convention. The convention had rented out the hotel's entire separable ballroom, and the first day had, thus far, gone smoothly, with all but the quater-, semi-, and ultimate final rounds decided in the tournament. The time came for a break...

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### Once upon a time there was a farmers wife with a problem

And that problem was her dog Jingles.

Every night Jingles would snore so loudly that she was unable to get a wink of sleep. In exasperation, she went to the vet who advised her "What you need to do here is go to your sewing kit and get a piece of ribbon. Tie that around his balls and he'll st...

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### Albert the village postman is retiring after 50 years on the job

So he puts on his satchel and collects his last mailbag from the post office, and sets out on his last round.

He drops off a few letters at the local library. The librarian smiles and presents him with a leather bound volume of The Complete Works of Charles Dickens: "Here you are, Albert. We...

### My friend just got married, and now he wants to sell his 47 volume Encyclopedia Britannica. He says he doesn't need it.

His wife knows everything.

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### Three pensioners are sitting on a park bench.

Says the first: "Yes, old age! I used to love reading the newspaper, and now I can't even decipher the headlines!
Yes, my eyes, my eyes...!"

Says the second: "And I used to love listening to the radio; now I can't even understand a word at full volume!
Yes, my ears, my ears!“
<...

### Why couldn't Obi-Wan calculate the volume of Bespin from the ideal gas law?

Only a Sith deals in absolutes

### What fills the entire volume of its container and may become volatile and explosive when compressed?

NYC subway commuters.

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### For Sale: Complete Set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 Volumes

Excellent condition. \$ 1000 ONO. No longer needed. Got married last week. Wife knows fucking everything.

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### Little Johnny wants to move up to fifth grade

A teacher was having a problem with Johnny in third grade. He said, "Madam, I should be in Grade 5, if not Grade 6. My sister is in Grade 4, I'm doing all her homework and I know stuff that she hasn't even learned."

The teacher had heard enough and took the boy to the principal. Little Johnny...

### I saw a TV for sale for 1\$

I saw that the TV was in very good condition.

"Why is it so cheap? " I asked the seller

"The volume is stuck at max, and it can't be turned down" he replied

"So everything else works?" I asked

He turned it on, and sure enough everything worked, except the volume

...

### Do not shampoo in the shower

I don't know why I didn't figure this out sooner.
I used shampoo in the shower and when we wash our hair the shampoo runs down our whole body.
Printed clearly on the shampoo label is the warning,

"For extra body and volume."

No wonder I have been gaining weight.
I got rid of s...

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### The difference between "guts" and "balls" according to the British military.

There is a medical distinction between “Guts” and “Balls”, according to the British military. We've heard colleagues referring to people with “Guts”, or with “Balls”.

Do they, however, know the difference between them? Here’s the official distinction; straight from the British Medical Journal...

### I saw a used Bose stereo system on sale for for 15\$

I asked the guy why it was so cheap and he told me it was a great deal, but the volume is stuck on max.

I thought "well, I can't turn that down".

### The last thing my grandfather told me was “Quarts! Litres! Gallons!”

That spoke volumes.

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### A young and an old banker were talking to each other.

The old banker tells the tips and tricks of being a banker to the young one

"Look son, to be successul at this job, it is not enough to seize the opportunity, sometimes you'll need to create the opportunity too. Look now, there is a pile of dog turd a few yards in front of us, it is most prob...

### How I lost my job as a hairdresser.

I had just about finished styling a very wealthy lady's hair. I put down the hair dryer, and placed a hand mirror behind her head. "OK, how's that?", I asked.

She sniffed, and said "more volume."

#"OK, HOW'S THAT!?"

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### I get anxious when I watch “Game of Thrones” with my parents, because of all the sex.

Sometimes I turn the volume up, so that I don’t hear them.

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### A little boy in a quaint town was said to be the hairiest person in history.

Even in a small community, where everyone was aware of and understood his plight, living a normal life was difficult. Even though everyone was respectful, the sheer volume of hair and speed at which it grew was a constant hardship. It interfered with the boy's eating, he would overheat quickly durin...

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### A woman buys a new car

It comes with a voice activated radio that will play whatever music that the driver desires. She decides to test it out while driving her new car home.

"Classical," she said.

The radio immediately starts playing Nocturne op.9 No.2.

"Country," she said as she turned left.

...

### What does the apple user do when he wants to customize his device?

He adjusts the volume.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### I was a big metal fan back in high school.

Back in high school I was a big metal fan.

At the beginning of the summer holidays I was at this awesome house party.

It was just high school kids in the house so we were able to turn the volume way up and had a pretty awesome playlist: Metallica, Black Sabbath, Judas Priest, Iron Mai...

### I bought audiobook version of Encyclopedia Britannica

It speaks volumes to me

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### I bought a used universal remote at a flea market

The volume down button was broken but it only cost a nickel.... I couldn't turn it down.

### Perspective

The optimist says "The glass is half full."

The pessimist says "The glass is half empty."

The engineer says "The vessel contains twice the required space for the volume present."

### I wanted to improve my physical affection skills, so I went down to the library and took out a book called “How to Hug”...

...You can imagine my disappointment when it turned out to be volume six of the Oxford English Dictionary

### A dude is having a yard sale and is selling his TV

Customer: "Sweet I do need a new TV. How much?"
Seller: "5 dollars"

C: "What? Why is it so cheap?"

S: "Well it's stuck on full volume. The remote doesn't work"

C: "And you're just gonna sell it for \$5 because you can't make it quieter?

S: "Yep"

C: "Wow. Can't tu...

### Why did the Karen scream at the cashier that buying a lot of something should decrease the total price?

She was trying to get a volume discount.

### I asked the librarian if they had any books on Noise Reduction Levels

She said "Sure, what volume ?"

### A man was selling his TV

A man was selling his TV on his front porch with a sign that says "\$1". A bloke walks by and asks

'You're selling your TV for a dollar?'

'yup'

'It looks brand new!'

'It is.'

'What's wrong with it?'

'Oh the volume is turned all the way up and you can't change...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### Ways to murder English

The following below are ways people kill English daily...

1. Don't dare talk in front of my back.

2. Stop making noise like empty sardine tins of milk.

3. Take 5cm wire of my length.

4. All of you stand in a straight circle.

5. Be quiet, the principal is just passi...

### My buddy who is obsessed with himself bought a speaker just to listen to his own memoirs.

It really speaks volumes about him as a person.

### A man loses the ability to hear lighter sounds.

He had worn headphones at high volume for too long.

One day, he went to the Doctor for his monthly checkup. He was sitting with the Doctor. The Doctor kept talking and talking for a long time. The deaf man then said:

"Sorry, I can't understand what you're saying. Usually I can heard s...

### I asked my wife for an audiobook for my birthday, but she got me an encyclopedia instead.

That spoke volumes.

### Speak Up, Please

I am having trouble hearing you over the volume of my hair.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### From my four and a half year old, while we're playing Minecraft together

"Do you know how to make the cows quiet daddy?"

Me: "I guess you just turn down the volume"

Him: "No, you press the moooot button!"

Good kid, good kid ... Made me laugh anyways

### The interesting thing about sheep puns

Is the SHEAR volume of them.

### A police officer was brought to the stand to testify on behalf of his partner who was accused of making a wrongful arrest.

“Your honor,” the cop began “my partner on duty has always been my closest friend and my most trustworthy work associate. I trust this man with my life and I believe that speaks volumes for his character.”

“Objection, your honor!” Said the plaintiff’s lawyer.

“Sustained,” said the judg...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### John arrives in heaven and...

...at the entrance St. Peter shows him a high, high-rise building where he must enter.

The problem is that the building does not have an elevator so they slowly take the stairs.

On the first floor there is a corridor with doors on both sides and from all rooms there can be heard religi...

### [long] My company is locked down and I am required to work from home

I'm used to working in an open office space so this is a huge change for me. In order to make the transition as easy as possible, I have prepared my home office so remind me of work.

* I've purchased a piece of Limburger cheese and placed it on a plate in the middle of the room to remind me o...

### Found a used tv on eBay

It looked decent only thing was that the volume was stuck on full. Was only a fiver, couldn’t turn it down

### I was Washingtons of clothes when...

Adams-el in distress ran up to me and said her boyfriend Jefferson was being not nice and even though I was a bit Madison at the guy I couldn’t help but give her retreat, and boy, she was such a Monroe!

My friend Jack’s son decided to do a van burying on me I was having a leisurely drive. He ...

### A duck walks into a library...

A duck walks into a library and stands in front of an understandably puzzled librarian. It quacks once. In a moment of inspiration, the librarian decided that the bird wishes to borrow a book so she places an appropriate volume under one of its wings. The duck waddles out.
The next day the duck ...

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