UPJOKE
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I just finished watching Kill Bill Volume 2

Had to have the subtitles on. Couldn't hear a thing.

Why is it impossible for a flat Earther calculate the volume of the Earth?

Because there is always a rounding error.

I asked an Indian restaurant if they gave volume discounts for large catering orders

They said their prices are naan negotiable.

A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer are asked to measure the volume of a basketball

The mathematician grabs a cord to measure its circumference and from there works out its volume.

The physicist pushes the basketball into a bucket of water and measures the water displacement.

The engineer looks it up on the catalog.

A mathematician, a physicist and an engineer are tasked with finding the volume of a rubber ball

The mathematician takes the ball, measures its diameter, then calculates the volume.

The physicist submerges the ball in water and measures the amount of water displaced.

The engineer twists and turns the ball, looking for the model number.

I snuck up on my roommate and had a horn sound on my phone ready to play, and I turned the volume way up.

I pressed play, only to find that I had forgotten to remove my headphones.

What weighs more, a gallon of water or a gallon of butane?

The gallon of water. Butane is a lighter fluid.


^obligatory ^not ^my ^joke

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Today I saw an ad that said "radio for sale, $1, volume knob stuck on full."

I thought, "I can't turn that down."

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A Mathematician, and Physicist, and an Engineer

are asked to find the volume of a red rubber ball.

The mathematician knows that the volume of a sphere has been mathematically determined so they measures the radius and puts it into the proper formula.

The physicist knows that Archimedes discovered how to determine the volume of an o...

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For Sale. 42 inch TV. Volume button doesn't work $20.

A deal you can't turn down

The preacher and the painters

A preacher noticed that his church was beginning to look somewhat dingy and could use a new coat of paint.  He asked for bids from several local outfits and selected a two-man firm which had given him the best price.

On the appointed day, the crew arrived.  Setting up their ...

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An Irishman is walking home in Belfast, after a long day of alcohol filled festivities

His walk proves to be longer than he anticipated and nature starts calling. He keeps walking, hoping he'll make it home but he can't hold it in anymore. He looks around but can't see a place to conceal his inevitable colon loaf. He stops in the middle of the footpath, lowers his trousers, squats dow...

The manual in my car says that I shouldn’t turn the stereo volume to the maximum.

That’s....sound advice.

Ball volume

A mathematician, scientist, & engineer were tasked with finding the volume of a ball



The mathematician derived it using a formula given the circumference



The scientist measured the displaced volume when submerged in water

The engineer found the model # ...

The world's leading expert on European wasps walks into a record shop.

He asks the assistant “Do you have ‘European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2? I believe it was released this week.”

“Certainly,” replies the assistant. “Would you like to listen before you buy it?”

"That would be wonderful," says the expert, and puts on a pair of headphones.

He list...

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One night when my girlfriend was sleeping over, we were quite noisy during bed time. The next day, my parents brought us in for a talk.

They said "It's okay that you two do stuff like that, but please use a rubber and keep the volume down a little, ok?"
Which I responded to "I am sorry, the noise can be dealt with but condoms are for pussies"

"Afterall, we only had anal."

Subject: Chemistry Mid-term

The following is supposedly an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus ...

I'm selling a TV for $1, but it's broken and it's stuck on the highest volume

It's something you can't turn down.

My roommate asked me if I could turn down the volume while i was listening my favorite song Wonderwall

I said maybeeee

People like to share their musical taste with their neighbors these quarantine days. My neighbor has been listening to death metal the entire day at full volume.

Whether he likes it or not.

Would you like lashes with more volume?

LASHES!!!

Out of Respect for Meat Loaf Passing I Went to the Record Shoppe

They had Bat out of Hell and Bat Out of Hell Volume 2 but I couldn't find Volume 3. I asked them about it.

They told me "Two out of three ain't bad."

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A obese chicken has a volume of 14 cubic inches

This means that 2.000.000.000.000.000.000.000.000.000 fat cocks fits in Uranus

Gabriel's Horn is a geometric figure formed by rotating f(x)=1/x about the x axis. It has finite volume, but infinite surface area.

This is the complete opposite of the Vuvuzela, which has a finite surface area, but infinite volume

How do you calculate the volume of a pizza with radius Z and height A?

Pi * Z * Z * A

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A man walks into an exotic car dealership and sees a brand new Lamborghini Aventador for only 1000 dollars

The man walks to the salesman and asks him "hey am I reading that correctly? Only one thousand dollars? Don't those usually go for 200 grand whereabouts? What's the catch?"

The car salesman replies, "Not really. Only 14 miles on the odometer, got the twin turbo V12, but due to a defect with t...

My Favorite Christmas Joke

It was early December, and a posh hotel was hosting a chess convention. The convention had rented out the hotel's entire separable ballroom, and the first day had, thus far, gone smoothly, with all but the quater-, semi-, and ultimate final rounds decided in the tournament. The time came for a break...

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What's in a name?

An American college student visits Ireland while traveling throughout Europe. He finds a quiet town and enters a pub. It's empty save for the bartender and an old man at the far end of the bar. The American student sits down and politely orders a Guinness.

The old man speaks loudly and unprom...

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I like to watch porn with full volume

So I can't hear my mom complaining.

What is the volume of Monica Lewinsky's mouth?

About one U.S Leader.

Last night I played a blank tape at full volume.

The mime next door went nuts.

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I bought a bottle of shampoo the other day, which promised to “increase volume”

What a load of shit, I poured half the bottle into my ear and if anything it did the opposite

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Three pensioners are sitting on a park bench.

Says the first: "Yes, old age! I used to love reading the newspaper, and now I can't even decipher the headlines!
Yes, my eyes, my eyes...!"


Says the second: "And I used to love listening to the radio; now I can't even understand a word at full volume!
Yes, my ears, my ears!“
<...

While browsing the charity shop window I spotted sign that read "4k 60 inch widescreen for $1 because volume is stuck on full" I thought

I can't turn that down!

How do you determine the volume of a pizza?

Well, it’s basically a very flat cylinder. Let’s give it a random radius “z” and an arbitrary height “a”.

The volume of a cylinder is 3.14 x radius squared x height.

(Pi)(z)(z)(a)

Just a joke I remembered from math class way back in the day.

I watched a Quentin Tarantino film the other night. Kill Bill, Volume 1.

Couldn’t hear a thing.

My running coach told me to increase the volume of my runs

So I unplugged the headphones and played my music from the speakers instead.

Sin city we all know is Las Vegas, but do you know what Den city is?

Mass over volume.

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Two students are waiting to give their oral tests...

The first student's turn comes, and he goes inside

Examiner- Suppose you are traveling by train, and suddenly it gets hot, what will you do?

Student- I will open the window.

Examiner- Great, now suppose that the area of the window is 10 sq. ft, the volume of the car is 1000 cubi...

R.I.P. dad

My dad passed away yesterday (this is true). He was 87 and had a good innings. We've done the bulk of our grieving and all is good. My brother sent me this message this morning:

"I reckon dad has already told Eddie Van Halen to turn the volume down."

___________________

A mathematician, a physicist and an engineer were all given a red rubber ball and told to find the volume.

The mathematician carefully measured the diameter and evaluated a triple integral.

The physicist filled a beaker with water, put the ball in the water, and measured the total displacement.

The engineer looked up the model and serial numbers in his "Red-Rubber-Ball" table.

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Albert the village postman is retiring after 50 years on the job

So he puts on his satchel and collects his last mailbag from the post office, and sets out on his last round.

He drops off a few letters at the local library. The librarian smiles and presents him with a leather bound volume of The Complete Works of Charles Dickens: "Here you are, Albert. We...

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Sexual fetishes are getting seperate volume in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders

There is now the a-DSM and the b-DSM.

I turned on the radio and forgot I had the volume maxed out.

Now my left and right ear hertz a lot.

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What did the stereo say when it lost its volume knob?

Eh, no worries... It’ll turn up.

My neighbors got pretty aggressive when I played 'Zombie' at full volume last night.

I thought silence causes violence.

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Doesn’t it suck when you’re playing ‘Another One Bites The Dust’ On your iPhone At Full Volume...

...and everyone else at the funeral gets all pissy at you?

Where can you find the highest volume of insecurities trading in the world?

The New York Stalk Exchange

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Little Johnny wants to move up to fifth grade

A teacher was having a problem with Johnny in third grade. He said, "Madam, I should be in Grade 5, if not Grade 6. My sister is in Grade 4, I'm doing all her homework and I know stuff that she hasn't even learned."

The teacher had heard enough and took the boy to the principal. Little Johnny...

Storing prisoners in suspended animation by volume!?

No! You have to weigh the frozen cons.

I tried to run an experiment on the effect of dehydration on human urine volume

But the p-value was too low.

My friend just got married, and now he wants to sell his 47 volume Encyclopedia Britannica. He says he doesn't need it.

His wife knows everything.

An engineer, a mathematician, and a physicist are asked to measure the volume of a pig.

The engineer answers: "we fill a pool to the brim with water, fully immerse the pig, collect the spilled water and measure its weight. The pig will have a volume of 1dm^3 per collected Kg."

The mathematician answers: "we freeze the pig, slice it and integrate the slices' areas to obtain a v...

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In light of Trump’s increasing volume of golf: What’s the difference between Hitler and Trump?

It only took Hitler one shot to get out of the bunker he ended up in after succumbing to Russia.

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A young and an old banker were talking to each other.

The old banker tells the tips and tricks of being a banker to the young one

"Look son, to be successul at this job, it is not enough to seize the opportunity, sometimes you'll need to create the opportunity too. Look now, there is a pile of dog turd a few yards in front of us, it is most prob...

I saw a used Bose stereo system on sale for for 15$

I asked the guy why it was so cheap and he told me it was a great deal, but the volume is stuck on max.

I thought "well, I can't turn that down".

I saw a TV for sale for 1$

I saw that the TV was in very good condition.

"Why is it so cheap? " I asked the seller

"The volume is stuck at max, and it can't be turned down" he replied

"So everything else works?" I asked

He turned it on, and sure enough everything worked, except the volume

...

Why couldn't Obi-Wan calculate the volume of Bespin from the ideal gas law?

Only a Sith deals in absolutes

The last thing my grandfather told me was “Quarts! Litres! Gallons!”

That spoke volumes.

What fills the entire volume of its container and may become volatile and explosive when compressed?

NYC subway commuters.

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For Sale: Complete Set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 Volumes

Excellent condition. $ 1000 ONO. No longer needed. Got married last week. Wife knows fucking everything.

How I lost my job as a hairdresser.

I had just about finished styling a very wealthy lady's hair. I put down the hair dryer, and placed a hand mirror behind her head. "OK, how's that?", I asked.

She sniffed, and said "more volume."

#"OK, HOW'S THAT!?"

Do not shampoo in the shower

I don't know why I didn't figure this out sooner.
I used shampoo in the shower and when we wash our hair the shampoo runs down our whole body.
Printed clearly on the shampoo label is the warning,

"For extra body and volume."

No wonder I have been gaining weight.
I got rid of s...

What does the apple user do when he wants to customize his device?

He adjusts the volume.

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A little boy in a quaint town was said to be the hairiest person in history.

Even in a small community, where everyone was aware of and understood his plight, living a normal life was difficult. Even though everyone was respectful, the sheer volume of hair and speed at which it grew was a constant hardship. It interfered with the boy's eating, he would overheat quickly durin...

I bought audiobook version of Encyclopedia Britannica

It speaks volumes to me

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I bought a used universal remote at a flea market

The volume down button was broken but it only cost a nickel.... I couldn't turn it down.

Why did the Karen scream at the cashier that buying a lot of something should decrease the total price?

She was trying to get a volume discount.

I wanted to improve my physical affection skills, so I went down to the library and took out a book called “How to Hug”...

...You can imagine my disappointment when it turned out to be volume six of the Oxford English Dictionary

Perspective

The optimist says "The glass is half full."

The pessimist says "The glass is half empty."

The engineer says "The vessel contains twice the required space for the volume present."

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I get anxious when I watch “Game of Thrones” with my parents, because of all the sex.

Sometimes I turn the volume up, so that I don’t hear them.

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The difference between "guts" and "balls" according to the British military.

There is a medical distinction between “Guts” and “Balls”, according to the British military. We've heard colleagues referring to people with “Guts”, or with “Balls”.

Do they, however, know the difference between them? Here’s the official distinction; straight from the British Medical Journal...

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A woman buys a new car

It comes with a voice activated radio that will play whatever music that the driver desires. She decides to test it out while driving her new car home.

"Classical," she said.

The radio immediately starts playing Nocturne op.9 No.2.

"Country," she said as she turned left.

...

A dude is having a yard sale and is selling his TV

Customer: "Sweet I do need a new TV. How much?"
Seller: "5 dollars"

C: "What? Why is it so cheap?"

S: "Well it's stuck on full volume. The remote doesn't work"

C: "And you're just gonna sell it for $5 because you can't make it quieter?

S: "Yep"

C: "Wow. Can't tu...

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I was a big metal fan back in high school.

Back in high school I was a big metal fan.

At the beginning of the summer holidays I was at this awesome house party.

It was just high school kids in the house so we were able to turn the volume way up and had a pretty awesome playlist: Metallica, Black Sabbath, Judas Priest, Iron Mai...

I asked the librarian if they had any books on Noise Reduction Levels

She said "Sure, what volume ?"

A man loses the ability to hear lighter sounds.

He had worn headphones at high volume for too long.

One day, he went to the Doctor for his monthly checkup. He was sitting with the Doctor. The Doctor kept talking and talking for a long time. The deaf man then said:

"Sorry, I can't understand what you're saying. Usually I can heard s...

My buddy who is obsessed with himself bought a speaker just to listen to his own memoirs.

It really speaks volumes about him as a person.

Speak Up, Please

I am having trouble hearing you over the volume of my hair.

Today I went to a book store and found: "the only book you'll ever need to buy".

Volume 2

I asked my wife for an audiobook for my birthday, but she got me an encyclopedia instead.

That spoke volumes.

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Two students are taking a physics exam

One of them enters and the professor says:

-Imagine you are riding a train and its really hot inside. What would you do?

-Well,i'd open the window.

-Excellent. Now, the windows surface is 1,5m^2, your compartments volume is 12m^3, train is going west at the speed of 80km/h, the ...

I love Ice Age Baby

And 100 Other Funny Jokes You Can Tell Yourself! Volume 7

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