Was walking down the street yesterday, seen an ad in the shop window. "T.V FOR SALE, €1, VOLUME STUCK ON FULL"

I said, can't turn that down.

A chemistry professor posted a bonus question to an exam:

Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know ...

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TIFU- I watched porn at full volume on the work PC. Masturbated thrice and spoke to 3 female colleagues while doing the deed.

Thank god I work from home.

Write the expression for the volume of a thick pizza with height "a" and radius "z".

*pi * z * z * a*

Where can you find the highest volume of insecurities trading in the world?

The New York Stalk Exchange

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Two students are taking a physics exam

One of them enters and the professor says:

-Imagine you are riding a train and its really hot inside. What would you do?

-Well,i'd open the window.

-Excellent. Now, the windows surface is 1,5m^2, your compartments volume is 12m^3, train is going west at the speed of 80km/h, the ...

I asked a Flat Earther to tell me what the volume of the Earth was but he couldn't give me a good answer.

There was a significant rounding error.

I turned on the radio and forgot I had the volume maxed out.

Now my left and right ear hertz a lot.

An engineer, a mathematician, and a physicist are asked to measure the volume of a pig.

The engineer answers: "we fill a pool to the brim with water, fully immerse the pig, collect the spilled water and measure its weight. The pig will have a volume of 1dm^3 per collected Kg."

The mathematician answers: "we freeze the pig, slice it and integrate the slices' areas to obtain a v...

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Doesn’t it suck when you’re playing ‘Another One Bites The Dust’ On your iPhone At Full Volume...

...and everyone else at the funeral gets all pissy at you?

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I like to watch porn with full volume

So I can't hear my mom complaining.

Last night I played a blank tape at full volume.

The mime next door went nuts.

What is the volume of Monica Lewinsky's mouth?

About one U.S Leader.

A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer are asked to find the volume of a red ball.

The mathematician measures its diameter, substitutes it into a formula for volume, and calculates the answer.

The physicist submerges the ball and measures the volume of displaced liquid.

The engineer looks it up in his Handbook on Red Balls.

A mathematician, a physicist and an engineer were all given a red rubber ball and told to find the volume.

The mathematician carefully measured the diameter and evaluated a triple integral.

The physicist filled a beaker with water, put the ball in the water, and measured the total displacement.

The engineer looked up the model and serial numbers in his "Red-Rubber-Ball" table.

What does the apple user do when he wants to customize his device?

He adjusts the volume.

Gabriel's horn is a geometric figure which has infinite surface area but finite volume

This is in contrast to a vuvuzela which has a finite surface area but infinite volume

I saw a TV for sale for 1$

I saw that the TV was in very good condition.

"Why is it so cheap? " I asked the seller

"The volume is stuck at max, and it can't be turned down" he replied

"So everything else works?" I asked

He turned it on, and sure enough everything worked, except the volume

...

Storing prisoners in suspended animation by volume!?

No! You have to weigh the frozen cons.

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In light of Trump’s increasing volume of golf: What’s the difference between Hitler and Trump?

It only took Hitler one shot to get out of the bunker he ended up in after succumbing to Russia.

Today I went to a book store and found: "the only book you'll ever need to buy".

Volume 2

The world's leading expert on European wasps walks into...

The world's leading expert on European wasps walks into a record shop.

He asks the assistant. “Do you have ‘European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2? I believe it was released this week.”

“Certainly.” Replies the assistant. “Would you like to listen before you buy it?”

"That would b...

My friend just got married, and now he wants to sell his 47 volume Encyclopedia Britannica. He says he doesn't need it.

His wife knows everything.

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I bought a high end stereo with a broken volume knob for $10.

I couldn't turn it down.

I tried to run an experiment on the effect of dehydration on human urine volume

But the p-value was too low.

I bought a new TV today...

Got a great 50" HDTV for $29.99 today.

Of course, there was a catch... The volume was stuck at the max setting so it was incredibly loud.

But for $29.99, I couldn't turn it down.

A guy spots a nice TV in a yard sale and stops by to take a closer look..

He doesn't see a price tag. "That's a nice TV!! How much are you asking for it?" he asks.

Owner replies, "Yes, this is an excellent television and it is all yours for just $1!"

Confused, the guy inquires, "One dollar?! Does it even work? What is wrong with it?"

The owner reassu...

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For Sale: Complete Set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 Volumes

Excellent condition. $ 1000 ONO. No longer needed. Got married last week. Wife knows fucking everything.

What do an old-timey encyclopedia and a fat chick who's into BDSM have in common?

They are both large, leather-bound volumes.

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John arrives in heaven and...

...at the entrance St. Peter shows him a high, high-rise building where he must enter.

The problem is that the building does not have an elevator so they slowly take the stairs.

On the first floor there is a corridor with doors on both sides and from all rooms there can be heard religi...

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I was a big metal fan back in high school.

Back in high school I was a big metal fan.

At the beginning of the summer holidays I was at this awesome house party.

It was just high school kids in the house so we were able to turn the volume way up and had a pretty awesome playlist: Metallica, Black Sabbath, Judas Priest, Iron Mai...

Why couldn't Obi-Wan calculate the volume of Bespin from the ideal gas law?

Only a Sith deals in absolutes

The hairdresser was washing my hair, she said "Do you want any conditioner?"

I said, "Extra volume?" and she said "DO YOU WANT ANY CONDITIONER?!"

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A woman, tired of her husband's obnoxious snoring, decides to give him a taste of his own medicine.

That night, they went to bed, and as the husband rolled over and began to drift off, the wife started to snore. When he didn't react, she got louder. She continued until the husband, grumbling, started fumbling around in the dark. He groped until his hand found one of her breasts, and he gave her ni...

Pennywise the clown talked to me about the idea of multiplying a prism's length width and height.

It spoke volumes to me.

A man was selling his TV

A man was selling his TV on his front porch with a sign that says "$1". A bloke walks by and asks

'You're selling your TV for only a dollar?

'Yep.'

'It looks brand new!'

'It is.'

'What's wrong with it?'

'The volume is turned all the way up and you can't chan...

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I get anxious when I watch “Game of Thrones” with my parents, because of all the sex.

Sometimes I turn the volume up, so that I don’t hear them.

Everyone knows that Las Vegas is Sin City. But do you know what is Den City?

p = m/V


mass/volume

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The Golden State Warriors flew to Jamaica to play an exhibition game against a local team.

The Warriors kept on losing the ball and missing easy shots. Kerr, the Warriors' coach was furious, but the players said that the balls were too small, and kept slipping out of their hands.



By the end of the half, they were down by 20 points, with Steph Curry, the Warriors' captain...

wife: can you to give me a ring for our wedding anniversary

husband: sure , why not

wife: can you give it to me like a surprise when i'm at work, i want everyone to know.

husband: sure

wife: on Friday morning we have a huge meeting and everyone at work will be there. i think that would be a good time .

husband: sure. keep your ph...

Irish Dancing Manual

Lost for centuries, volume 2 of the Irish Dancing Manual has finally been rediscovered.

It’s titled “How to Move The Arms”

The science of ping pong balls...

Long, Science

A science convention is in town. So a chemist, physicist and engineer walk into a local bar. The bar tender sees them and says, "hey, you're all wise guys, how would I figure out the volume of this ping pong ball?" The chemist takes the ball from him, pulls out a graduated cylin...

Do not shampoo in the shower

I don't know why I didn't figure this out sooner.
I used shampoo in the shower and when we wash our hair the shampoo runs down our whole body.
Printed clearly on the shampoo label is the warning,

"For extra body and volume."

No wonder I have been gaining weight.
I got rid of s...

An Engineering Viva Exam

Students went for an Engineering Viva Exam...

The first guy goes into the class, and the Professor begins the Viva with a question. "Let's say you are traveling by train and it's getting hot. What will you do"? "Open the window", he answered.
.
Very good. The Professor continued... "...

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A little boy in a quaint town was said to be the hairiest person in history.

Even in a small community, where everyone was aware of and understood his plight, living a normal life was difficult. Even though everyone was respectful, the sheer volume of hair and speed at which it grew was a constant hardship. It interfered with the boy's eating, he would overheat quickly durin...

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The difference between "guts" and "balls" according to the British military.

There is a medical distinction between “Guts” and “Balls”, according to the British military. We've heard colleagues referring to people with “Guts”, or with “Balls”.

Do they, however, know the difference between them? Here’s the official distinction; straight from the British Medical Journal...

Units.

A science teacher is quizzing the class on various units and measurements.

What is the unit of volume?

Liters.


What is the unit of mass?

Kilograms.


What is the unit of distance?

Meters.


What is the unit of power?

Yes.

(I know...

I think my shampoo is making me fat...

...it says guaranteed to increase the Volume

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TV for Sale

I just saw a TV for sale on EBay.

The listing said "40 inch HD TV for sale - good working order, £100 - volume button is stuck on full"

I thought 'I can't turn that down....'

I was talking to my physics teacher...

Teacher: hey, do you know what salt lake city is?
Me: yeah
Teacher: cool, you know what den city is?
Me: no?
Teacher: oh, its mass over volume

A king is looking for a new chief advisor.

His choices are a physicist, a mathematician, and an engineer.
His test is simple: Whoever can determine the volume of a red rubber ball will be the new chief advisor, provided his explanation makes sense to the king, and that the king can trust the calculation.

The physicist goes firs...

Whater jokes?

Man goes to a doctor cuz he’s felt ill for days. The doctor gives him a bunch of pills.

The doctor says: “Take the green pill with one glass of water in the morning. An hour later, take the white pill with another glass of water. Take the blue pill with a big glass of water before lunch, afte...

A guy is selling a TV at a garage sale for 1$

It is a close to new, 50” 4K flatscreen, and a woman comes up and asks him “What’s wrong with this TV, to only be selling it for a dollar?”

The man tells her “Well, there’s nothing wrong with the picture, or anything like that, but the volume is stuck on max, and you can’t change it at all. S...

Now I know why I'm getting fat..

Its the shampoo that says " to give body & volume ".

Now I will use dish washing soap that says " Dissolves all fat even at hard to reach places ".

A philosophy professor walks in to give his class their final exam

A philosophy professor walks in to give his class their final exam. Placing his chair on his desk the professor instructs the class, “Using every thing you’ve learned in this course to prove to me that this chair DOES NOT EXIST.”

Students diligently put their pencils and pens to work creating...

A guy is selling a tv...

A guy is selling his tv at a yard sale

A customer who is looking for a tv asks how much.

The man replies, “The tv is only a dollar.”

The customer replies, “Really, only a dollar? Why is it so cheap?”

The man replies, “The volume is stuck on max. I hate it, so I’m selling...

A duck walks into a library...

A duck walks into a library and stands in front of an understandably puzzled librarian. It quacks once. In a moment of inspiration, the librarian decided that the bird wishes to borrow a book so she places an appropriate volume under one of its wings. The duck waddles out.
The next day the duck ...

What's the difference between a deaf person and an Italian?

One talks with their hands and makes goofy noises at random volumes, and the other can't hear.

Man finds an HD TV in a Garage Sale

"How much is this TV?" the man said.

The seller responded, "One dollar."

"Wow, only one dollar?"

"Yep, one dollar."

Why is it so cheap?" asked the man.

"Its volume is turned all the way up, and you can't adjust it, it's stuck that way." said the seller.

"So ...

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Up or Down?

My widowed grandmother was in a retirement home, situated on a nice gentle river. The retirement home had little rowboats for the residents to go out on the river. One evening, another of the residents, a widower, asked her if she would like to accompany him on a boat ride. She readily accepted.<...

Little Johnny and his dad...

Little Johnny was having a problem with his homework.
"Dad" he asked, "What is the difference between anger and exasperation?"’
"Well, son",’ said his father, ‘"I'll give you a practical demonstration".’
His father picked up the phone and dialled a number on speaker volume.
"Hello",’ sai...

Punch lines are extremely one-dimensional

Punch areas and punch volumes have more depth.

Did you hear about the talking book?

It speaks volumes.

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My friend is selling a TV for £50

60inch, 4k flatscreen. The volume buttons broke, but at that price, you can't turn it down.

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Some tidbits for your pleasure

I'm wearing the boxers with the little hearts all over them tonight....
It's probably not a good night to go to jail.

Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.

Probably should not have driven home from the bar last night.. especially considering I walked...

I got a Kindle for Christmas that only lets me download modern sociology audiobooks.

I think it speaks volumes on todays society.

A monk once explained me the beauty of silence .

I went home and listened to a blank cd on full volume.

The Farmer and the Monk

A young farmhand was once unfortunate enough to share a room at the inn with an old monk, who talked incessantly from evening's light to morning glow about matters of philosophy and science. Bored of the one-sided conversation, the monk soon proposed a challenge of wits.


The farmhand was ...

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My brother is deaf and watches porn

I turned the volume to max in his pc

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