The 87+ Best Volume Jokes

A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer are asked to measure the volume of a basketball

The mathematician grabs a cord to measure its circumference and from there works out its volume.

The physicist pushes the basketball into a bucket of water and measures the water displacement.

The engineer looks it up on the catalog.

A mathematician, a physicist and an engineer are tasked with finding the volume of a rubber ball.

The mathematician takes the ball, measures its diameter, then calculates the volume. The physicist submerges the ball in water and measures the amount of water displaced. The engineer twists and turns the ball, looking for the model number.

Today I saw an ad that said "radio for sale, $1, volume stuck on full."

I thought, "I can't turn that down."

Looking to hire someone to change the channel and volume on my tv.

Must be able to work remote.

Why is it impossible for a flat Earther calculate the volume of the Earth?

Because there is always a rounding error.

I just finished watching Kill Bill Volume 2

Had to have the subtitles on. Couldn't hear a thing.

I snuck up on my roommate and had a horn sound on my phone ready to play, and I turned the volume way up.

I pressed play, only to find that I had forgotten to remove my headphones.

The manual in my car says that I shouldn’t turn the stereo volume to the maximum.

That’s....sound advice.

I asked an Indian restaurant if they gave volume discounts for large catering orders

They said their prices are naan negotiable.

People like to share their musical taste with their neighbors these quarantine days. My neighbor has been listening to death metal the entire day at full volume.

Whether he likes it or not.

A chemistry professor posted a bonus question to an exam:

Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know ...

What is the volume of Monica Lewinsky's mouth?

About one U.S Leader.

The pressure of a gas is inversely proportional to its volume—Boyle’s Law.

Any leftover cabbage must be shredded and mixed with mayonnaise.

—-Cole’s Law.

Last night I played a blank tape at full volume.

The mime next door went nuts.

I have a GREAT new bag. I filled it halfway. Next day, I filled half the remaining volume. Next day, half the remaining volume... at this rate, it'll never fill up!

I just love my Asymp tote bag.

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For Sale. 42 inch TV. Volume button doesn't work $20.

A deal you can't turn down

What weighs more, a gallon of water or a gallon of butane?

The gallon of water. Butane is a lighter fluid.

^obligatory ^not ^my ^joke

What's the volume of a pizza with a radius of z and a thickness of a?

Pi * z * z * a

Ball volume

A mathematician, scientist, & engineer were tasked with finding the volume of a ball

The mathematician derived it using a formula given the circumference

The scientist measured the displaced volume when submerged in water

The engineer found the model # ...

Gabriel's Horn is a geometric figure formed by rotating f(x)=1/x about the x axis. It has finite volume, but infinite surface area.

This is the complete opposite of the Vuvuzela, which has a finite surface area, but infinite volume

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I like to watch porn with full volume

So I can't hear my mom complaining.

Would you like lashes with more volume?

LASHES!!!

i saw an ad for a cheap home sound system with the volume stucked on high

I couldn’t turn it down

The world’s leading expert on European wasps walks into a record shop.

He asks the assistant “Do you have ‘European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2? I believe it was released this week.”

“Certainly,” replies the assistant. “Would you like to listen before you buy it?”

“That would be wonderful,” says the expert, and puts on a pair of headphones.

He list...

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I bought a bottle of shampoo the other day, which promised to “increase volume”

What a load of shit, I poured half the bottle into my ear and if anything it did the opposite

While browsing the charity shop window I spotted sign that read "4k 60 inch widescreen for $1 because volume is stuck on full" I thought

I can't turn that down!

How do you determine the volume of a pizza?

Well, it’s basically a very flat cylinder. Let’s give it a random radius “z” and an arbitrary height “a”.

The volume of a cylinder is 3.14 x radius squared x height.

(Pi)(z)(z)(a)

Just a joke I remembered from math class way back in the day.

My running coach told me to increase the volume of my runs

So I unplugged the headphones and played my music from the speakers instead.

I turned on the radio and forgot I had the volume maxed out.

Now my left and right ear hertz a lot.

I watched a Quentin Tarantino film the other night. Kill Bill, Volume 1.

Couldn’t hear a thing.

R.I.P. dad

My dad passed away yesterday (this is true). He was 87 and had a good innings. We've done the bulk of our grieving and all is good. My brother sent me this message this morning:

"I reckon dad has already told Eddie Van Halen to turn the volume down."

___________________

A mathematician, a physicist and an engineer were all given a red rubber ball and told to find the volume.

The mathematician carefully measured the diameter and evaluated a triple integral.

The physicist filled a beaker with water, put the ball in the water, and measured the total displacement.

The engineer looked up the model and serial numbers in his "Red-Rubber-Ball" table.

My neighbors got pretty aggressive when I played 'Zombie' at full volume last night.

I thought silence causes violence.

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TIFU- I watched porn at full volume on the work PC. Masturbated thrice and spoke to 3 female colleagues while doing the deed.

Thank god I work from home.

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Doesn’t it suck when you’re playing ‘Another One Bites The Dust’ On your iPhone At Full Volume...

...and everyone else at the funeral gets all pissy at you?

Sin city we all know is Las Vegas, but do you know what Den city is?

Mass over volume.

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Sexual fetishes are getting seperate volume in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders

There is now the a-DSM and the b-DSM.

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What did the stereo say when it lost its volume knob?

Eh, no worries... It’ll turn up.

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In light of Trump’s increasing volume of golf: What’s the difference between Hitler and Trump?

It only took Hitler one shot to get out of the bunker he ended up in after succumbing to Russia.

Storing prisoners in suspended animation by volume!?

No! You have to weigh the frozen cons.

I tried to run an experiment on the effect of dehydration on human urine volume

But the p-value was too low.

Why does North Korea excel at measuring volumes?

Because they have a Supreme Litre

I saw a TV for sale for 1$

I saw that the TV was in very good condition.

"Why is it so cheap? " I asked the seller

"The volume is stuck at max, and it can't be turned down" he replied

"So everything else works?" I asked

He turned it on, and sure enough everything worked, except the volume

...

The hair stylist said "do you want any conditioner on that?"

I said "Extra volume?" and she said "DO YOU WANT ANY CONDITIONER ON THAT?"

My friend just got married, and now he wants to sell his 47 volume Encyclopedia Britannica. He says he doesn't need it.

His wife knows everything.

Why couldn't Obi-Wan calculate the volume of Bespin from the ideal gas law?

Only a Sith deals in absolutes

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Two students are waiting to give their oral tests...

The first student's turn comes, and he goes inside

Examiner- Suppose you are traveling by train, and suddenly it gets hot, what will you do?

Student- I will open the window.

Examiner- Great, now suppose that the area of the window is 10 sq. ft, the volume of the car is 1000 cubi...

Do not shampoo in the shower

I don't know why I didn't figure this out sooner.
I used shampoo in the shower and when we wash our hair the shampoo runs down our whole body.
Printed clearly on the shampoo label is the warning,

"For extra body and volume."

No wonder I have been gaining weight.
I got rid of s...

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The difference between "guts" and "balls" according to the British military.

There is a medical distinction between “Guts” and “Balls”, according to the British military. We've heard colleagues referring to people with “Guts”, or with “Balls”.

Do they, however, know the difference between them? Here’s the official distinction; straight from the British Medical Journal...

An engineer, a mathematician, and a physicist are asked to measure the volume of a pig.

The engineer answers: "we fill a pool to the brim with water, fully immerse the pig, collect the spilled water and measure its weight. The pig will have a volume of 1dm^3 per collected Kg."

The mathematician answers: "we freeze the pig, slice it and integrate the slices' areas to obtain a v...

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For Sale: Complete Set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 Volumes

Excellent condition. $ 1000 ONO. No longer needed. Got married last week. Wife knows fucking everything.

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I get anxious when I watch “Game of Thrones” with my parents, because of all the sex.

Sometimes I turn the volume up, so that I don’t hear them.

What is the smallest unit to measure...

What is the smallest unit to measure distance ?

It's the millimeter !

And what is the smallest unit to measure volume ?

Yes, it's the milliliter !

And so, what is the smallest unit to measure intelligence ?

It's the military !

A man was selling his TV

A man was selling his TV on his front porch with a sign that says "$1". A bloke walks by and asks

'You're selling your TV for a dollar?'

'yup'

'It looks brand new!'

'It is.'

'What's wrong with it?'

'Oh the volume is turned all the way up and you can't change...

I programmed my smart fridge to tell me how much space each item is occupying.

I think it speaks volumes.

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Albert the village postman is retiring after 50 years on the job

So he puts on his satchel and collects his last mailbag from the post office, and sets out on his last round.

He drops off a few letters at the local library. The librarian smiles and presents him with a leather bound volume of The Complete Works of Charles Dickens: "Here you are, Albert. We...

What does the apple user do when he wants to customize his device?

He adjusts the volume.

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I was a big metal fan back in high school.

Back in high school I was a big metal fan.

At the beginning of the summer holidays I was at this awesome house party.

It was just high school kids in the house so we were able to turn the volume way up and had a pretty awesome playlist: Metallica, Black Sabbath, Judas Priest, Iron Mai...

How does the government do things so efficiently?

If you lie, cheat, and steal all at once, you get a volume discount.

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An Irishman is walking home in Belfast, after a long day of alcohol filled festivities

His walk proves to be longer than he anticipated and nature starts calling. He keeps walking, hoping he'll make it home but he can't hold it in anymore. He looks around but can't see a place to conceal his inevitable colon loaf. He stops in the middle of the footpath, lowers his trousers, squats dow...

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One night when my girlfriend was sleeping over, we were quite noisy during bed time. The next day, my parents brought us in for a talk.

They said "It's okay that you two do stuff like that, but please use a rubber and keep the volume down a little, ok?"
Which I responded to "I am sorry, the noise can be dealt with but condoms are for pussies"

"Afterall, we only had anal."

The preacher and the painters

A preacher noticed that his church was beginning to look somewhat dingy and could use a new coat of paint.  He asked for bids from several local outfits and selected a two-man firm which had given him the best price.

On the appointed day, the crew arrived.  Setting up their ...

My grandpa’s last words before he died was “Pints! Gallons! Litres!”

That spoke volumes.

The Genie

A man is working on a construction crew demolishing an old house.

Hidden inside a wall is an old oil lamp.
Thinking to himself, wouldn't it be interesting if there was a genie in this lamp.
Looking around to make sure none of his buddies are watching, least he make a fool of himself, h...

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A Mathematician, and Physicist, and an Engineer

are asked to find the volume of a red rubber ball.

The mathematician knows that the volume of a sphere has been mathematically determined so they measures the radius and puts it into the proper formula.

The physicist knows that Archimedes discovered how to determine the volume of an o...

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What's in a name?

An American college student visits Ireland while traveling throughout Europe. He finds a quiet town and enters a pub. It's empty save for the bartender and an old man at the far end of the bar. The American student sits down and politely orders a Guinness.

The old man speaks loudly and unprom...

Out of Respect for Meat Loaf Passing I Went to the Record Shoppe

They had Bat out of Hell and Bat Out of Hell Volume 2 but I couldn't find Volume 3. I asked them about it.

They told me "Two out of three ain't bad."

How I lost my job as a hairdresser.

I had just about finished styling a very wealthy lady's hair. I put down the hair dryer, and placed a hand mirror behind her head. "OK, how's that?", I asked.

She sniffed, and said "more volume."

#"OK, HOW'S THAT!?"

My Favorite Christmas Joke

It was early December, and a posh hotel was hosting a chess convention. The convention had rented out the hotel's entire separable ballroom, and the first day had, thus far, gone smoothly, with all but the quater-, semi-, and ultimate final rounds decided in the tournament. The time came for a break...

A duck walks into a library...

A duck walks into a library and stands in front of an understandably puzzled librarian. It quacks once. In a moment of inspiration, the librarian decided that the bird wishes to borrow a book so she places an appropriate volume under one of its wings. The duck waddles out.
The next day the duck ...

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Once upon a time there was a farmers wife with a problem

And that problem was her dog Jingles.

Every night Jingles would snore so loudly that she was unable to get a wink of sleep. In exasperation, she went to the vet who advised her "What you need to do here is go to your sewing kit and get a piece of ribbon. Tie that around his balls and he'll st...

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Three pensioners are sitting on a park bench.

Says the first: "Yes, old age! I used to love reading the newspaper, and now I can't even decipher the headlines!
Yes, my eyes, my eyes...!"

Says the second: "And I used to love listening to the radio; now I can't even understand a word at full volume!
Yes, my ears, my ears!“
<...

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Little Johnny wants to move up to fifth grade

A teacher was having a problem with Johnny in third grade. He said, "Madam, I should be in Grade 5, if not Grade 6. My sister is in Grade 4, I'm doing all her homework and I know stuff that she hasn't even learned."

The teacher had heard enough and took the boy to the principal. Little Johnny...

I saw a used Bose stereo system on sale for for 15$

I asked the guy why it was so cheap and he told me it was a great deal, but the volume is stuck on max.

I thought "well, I can't turn that down".

Today I went to a book store and found: "the only book you'll ever need to buy".

Volume 2

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A man thinks his wife might be going deaf.....

A man thinks his wife might be going deaf so he asks his doctor for advice. The doctor tells him to see how extensive it is by asking her what is for dinner at a loud volume when he enters the house. He simply needs to walk slightly closer each time he says it to see at what range she can still hear...

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A little boy in a quaint town was said to be the hairiest person in history.

Even in a small community, where everyone was aware of and understood his plight, living a normal life was difficult. Even though everyone was respectful, the sheer volume of hair and speed at which it grew was a constant hardship. It interfered with the boy's eating, he would overheat quickly durin...

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A young and an old banker were talking to each other.

The old banker tells the tips and tricks of being a banker to the young one

"Look son, to be successul at this job, it is not enough to seize the opportunity, sometimes you'll need to create the opportunity too. Look now, there is a pile of dog turd a few yards in front of us, it is most prob...

Perspective

The optimist says "The glass is half full."

The pessimist says "The glass is half empty."

The engineer says "The vessel contains twice the required space for the volume present."

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I bought a used universal remote at a flea market

The volume down button was broken but it only cost a nickel.... I couldn't turn it down.

A dude is having a yard sale and is selling his TV

Customer: "Sweet I do need a new TV. How much?"
Seller: "5 dollars"

C: "What? Why is it so cheap?"

S: "Well it's stuck on full volume. The remote doesn't work"

C: "And you're just gonna sell it for $5 because you can't make it quieter?

S: "Yep"

C: "Wow. Can't tu...

I love Ice Age Baby

And 100 Other Funny Jokes You Can Tell Yourself! Volume 7

I bought audiobook version of Encyclopedia Britannica

It speaks volumes to me

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A woman buys a new car

It comes with a voice activated radio that will play whatever music that the driver desires. She decides to test it out while driving her new car home.

"Classical," she said.

The radio immediately starts playing Nocturne op.9 No.2.

"Country," she said as she turned left.

...

Why did the Karen scream at the cashier that buying a lot of something should decrease the total price?

She was trying to get a volume discount.

I asked the librarian if they had any books on Noise Reduction Levels

She said "Sure, what volume ?"

[long] My company is locked down and I am required to work from home

I'm used to working in an open office space so this is a huge change for me. In order to make the transition as easy as possible, I have prepared my home office so remind me of work.

* I've purchased a piece of Limburger cheese and placed it on a plate in the middle of the room to remind me o...

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