My wife said that I treat her like “property”... That’s completely absurd.

I love it more than anything in the world!

I just put up an electric fence around my property yesterday.

My neighbour is dead against it.

Which nobleman owns a lot of empty property?

Baron Wasteland.

My neighbour just got arrested for growing weed

I guess my property line isn't where I thought it was

I once shared renting a property with a man from the army...

...I took the right half, and he was the left tenant.

Rick, a salesman, specilized in real estate. As he was talking to a client names Down about a property. The client said to Rick...

"Never in my life have i seen such a pretty house!"

"Gonna buy it?" asked Rick.

"Give me the paperwork" said Down. "I'm gonna."

"You made the right choice." said Rick, while grinning a grin. What he had neglected to tell his client was thay the upstairs was completly damaged....

My husband is a cheater, he beats me, and whenever I touch his property, he says, "I'm going to make you pay."

I don't want to play monopoly with him anymore.

A cowherd counted 48 cows on his property in the morning.

When he rounded them up, he had 50.

There are several men sitting around in the locker room of a Golf club.

There are several men sitting around in the locker room of a golf club.

After a round, showering and getting changed for the 19th hole.

Suddenly a mobile phone on one of the benches rings.

One of the men picks it up, and the following conversation ensues:

(H – Husband, W ...

The 13th amendment makes it illegal to buy people as they aren’t property

Apparently, government officials don’t apply

Fact, when you find diamonds, old coins or anything of value on your property, it belongs to the government.

But, if the police find drugs, they belong to you.

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I tried to poop on my neighbour's property.

Then the shit hit the fence.

Why is suicide illegal in china?

Destruction of state property

What did the superconducter say when he was evicted from his property

Oh no! I'm ohmless!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A college student walks up to a farmer asks:

"Excuse me Sir, I couldn't help but notice that on the far north end of you property, I saw some cottonwood trees.

Would it be okay if I go and harvest me a few bags?"

The farmer scratches his head and says "Everybody knows you can't get cotton from a cottonwood tree."

"Wel...

A sheperd and his flock of sheep wondered onto his grumpy old neighbors property and got stuck in a fenced area...

...his neighbor told him to hurry and get the flock out.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

For All You Disney Fans, here’s a little Story about the time I rode the Monorail at Disneyland

One time while riding the monorail at Disneyland, I let out the loudest, wettest, deepest and almost foul smelling fart I have ever ripped in my life. There are no words in the English language that can describe the absolute rancidity of this fart. It was so putrid that actual green gas was visible ...

What do you call 3 Mexican guys walking through your property?

Tres passing.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Reading of last will

His nurse, his wife, his daughter and two
sons, are with him.
He asks for two witnesses to be present and
a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes.
When all is ready he begins to speak.

"My son, Bernie, I want you to take the Ocean Reef houses."
"My daughter Sybil, yo...

Dad: I have a lot of blind deer on my property.

Son: Really? How do you know they're blind?

Dad: Well, I have no eyed deer.

Buddy Hackett's Duck Joke

A stock broker from New York went out on his first hunting trip alone. After four days in the cold and wet marsh, and after a dozen tries, he finally shot a duck. The duck spiraled down, and landed in a nearby farm.

The new hunter climbed the farm fence, and the farmer came out with a loade...

I caught my wife cheating with my best friend.

She was upset that I was always beating her, and he was jealous of how much money and property I had.

I was so angry when I caught them that I flipped the game board over and left them to pick up all the pieces.

Famous Playboy Hugh Hefner managed to successfully stop an order of monks from operating a business on his property.

The police forced the fryers to close down their stall located just outside the mansion, where they had been selling flowers.

Said one fryer, "well if it was anyone else we may have gotten away with it, but unfortunately only Hugh can prevent florist fryers."

I spent way too much time, perched uncomfortably, trying to figure out exactly where my property ends and my neighbors property begins.

I'm *still* on the fence

Two farmers, One hen.

There once was a farmer who owned a hen, this hen would occasionally wander over to his neighbour's property.

One day the hen laid an egg along the property line and , right in front of the farmer, the neighbour walked over and picked up the egg. A battle of words ensues.

Farmer: why a...

James Bond was charged with criminal possession of stolen property in the fourth degree.

The judge, while not surprised, did say it was Class E felony.

What did the old man say when the local blacksmiths caught him trying to scare everyone away from town so he could buy up all the property for himself?

I would have gotten away with it, if it weren't for you metaling kids.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There is a boy who is always in trouble, he is constantly upsetting the other children and damaging the school property. Eventually, a letter is sent home to his parents...

...saying the school has put up with his bad behaviour long enough. This morning, they found him masturbating in class so they have expelled him. The letter continues: “I
suggest you talk to your son about his dirty little habit as soon as possible. Tell him he’ll go blind if he carries on.
Yo...

My friend from Cairo keeps trying to sell me his time share property...

... I think it might be a Pyramid Scheme.

You mean WHAT?

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending
divorce, and asked, “What are the grounds for your divorce?"
She replied, “About four acres and a nice little home in the
middle of the property with a stream running by.”
"No," he said, “I mean what is the foundation of this...

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Irishman loses virginity

An Irishman is selling his property to a German. During the property tour, The Irish man says to the German, "do you see that tree over there?" The German said "yes I see it." So The Irishman says "that is where I lost my virginity." The German says "That's a good spot for a shag." The Irishman then...

If Forrest Gump ran a property management group, what would it be called?

New Tenant Dan

Florida Woman Stops 12' Alligator with a .22 cal Beretta Pistol

\[Long\] This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator.

What's the smallest caliber that you would trust to protect yourself?

Here's her story in her own words:

"While walking along the edge of a pon...

I am an ex-demolitionist fired for accidentally destroying five million dollars worth of property. AMA!

Edit: Wow, I wasn't expecting this to blow up!

Hippity hoppity people aren’t property

-Abraham Lincoln

What do women and houses have in common?

With enough money you can get inside both of them. (Another ending is they're both property)

Why is cliff front property so expensive in Scotland?

The sheep back up harder.

A property manager for an apartment complex dies and soon finds himself standing in front of St. Peter.

St. Peter tells him "You have a choice of going to heaven or to hell and I suggest you check them both out before deciding."

So he chooses to check out hell first. He goes down to hell and finds himself in the middle of the biggest party he has ever seen. People are dancing and drinking and ...

A DEA agent stopped at a ranch and talked to an old rancher...

He told the rancher ‘I need to inspect your property for illegally grown drugs.’

The rancher said, ‘OK, but don’t go into that paddock over there.’

The DEA agent exploded and said, ‘look, here. I have the authority of the federal government with me!!’ He removed his badge and displayed...

What do you call a concern about a specific time you may have booked on Native American property?

A reservation reservation reservation.

Women are not the property of men.

Properties value goes up as it age.

Goose hunting

A man from the city goes goose hunting one weekend. He is a pretty bad hunter so he doesn‘t hit anything for a long time. On the second day he finally is able to hit one. Unfortunatly the goose drops on the property of a farmer. By the time the man gets there the farmer has already picked up the goo...

TIFU by installing my fence on my neighbors property

Oops, wrong place for this post.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A burnt out advertising executive decides he has had enough of the rat race & buys a property way out west

No electricity, no phones - no company. He has read everything he can &, after a few weeks is getting a bit bored. One afternoon he seens the dust coming up way in the distance coming towards him, a while later a crusty old bushie gets out of a battered holden ute and puts out his hand. "Hello m...

I recently was told that a deceased relative left me with a piece of their property that's potentially worth millions of dollars:

a lottery ticket.

I received a call from a man trying to sell shares in Egyptian property.

Sounded like a pyramid scheme.

Vermont farmer

A texas cattle rancher came to visit a Vermont dairy farm. He gets a tour of the 10 acre farm, and says to the Vermont farmer "This farm aint nothin, my ranch back in texas is so big, it would take us 3 days just to drive my truck around the whole property". The Vermont farmer responds "yup I had a ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman visited an Amazonian tribe on a research trip...

She spent several days taking notes on the lifestyle and habits of the tribe and interviewing their ruler, King Paolo, via an interpreter. As the tribe's land was near several rich gold mines, the king and his people were extremely wealthy.

During the woman's time with him, the king fell hop...

A marriage contract does not make the wife the property of the man.

It does, however, give him exclusive drilling rights.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old, gross joke about deer hunting



*This ancient joke pre-dates the Internet. It is from the South and is best told with a southern accent.*

I was deer hunting in the mountains of North Carolina. After about four hours I shot a nice 400lb buck. While I was hauling the dear back to my truck, I was stopped by the game wa...

What do you call a kilogram of donuts .

Property of obesity

A man is buying property from a realtor...

And he’s seeing some really nice lots for sell. However, he’s seeing something odd... the first lot he sees is lot 1, then he sees lots 2 and 3, but the next lot is lot 5. After that he sees lots 7, 11, and 13. Puzzles, the man asks, “Hey, what about all the other lots?” The realtor looks at him an...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A hunter shot a deer which ran into someone else's farmyard.

The hunter went to retrieve his deer but the farmer said it was his because it was on his property. They argued about it. The farmer finally says: “You’re obviously a city feller, but this isn’t the city. Let’s settle this farm style. We’ll take turns kicking each other in the balls until one of us ...

What's the most important property of a sparkling pink ship?

It's flamboyant.

Farmer

A man wants to purchase some farmland, but is wary of the bees on the property. The farmer thinks the bees are harmless so he makes the prospective buyer a deal: He'll tie the buyer naked to a tree that has a bee hive for an hour, and if any bee stings him, the farmer will GIVE him the land for free...

I built a fence 6 inches over the property line and my neighbor got right up in my face.

He has real boundary issues.

I built a fence around my house today but accidentally encroached on my neighbor's property.

I guess I'll have to repost tomorrow.

If a group of four people walked onto private property without permission, would it be trespassing...

...or would it be cuatropassing?

Dear redditors, I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision.

I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs...phone rings, but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently, although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them."...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was a redneck cutting his grass one day.

When he got to the edge of his property, he noticed a goat with his head stuck in the fence. Overcome with lust, he decided he would make love to the goat. After a couple minutes, his brother came looking for him and noticed him sexing this goat. He asked "can I have next?" The first man said y...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Surprising horse

A couple from London, John, Sarah and their 6 year old son Jimmy, win £8 million on the lottery and they decide to fulfill their lifelong dream - to quit the rat race and buy a farm with animals in the countryside.

They eventually find the property of their dreams and make arrangements to bu...

So, Bob shot a duck and it fell into Tom's property...

...Bob quickly hopped over the fence and went into Tom's backyard to get his meal, but Tom walks outside and finds Bob trespassing.

"Hey, Bob! That duck is in MY property, and it is MINE."

"No way, Tom! I shot this duck fair and square. I shot it, so I eat it!"

"How ...

Excuse me, are you a booming real estate property?

because I'm about to pump my liquid assets into you

I was watching the Super Bowl at my friends house when my real estate agent called me...

Told me some of my property had burned down.

In both cases, Mahomes' on fire.

This is the only joke I know. Spooktober appropriate.

A cemetery caretaker is feeling ill after a long day's work and decides to head into town to get some medicine before going to bed.

It is still pretty light out and the drug store is only a few miles from his house on the graveyard property, so he decides the walk might do him some good. ...

A Muslim man came to the USA many years ago.

He found love, got married and had a son.

The son eventually graduated University, found a wife, got married and moved away for job reasons.

Unfortunately, one day the old man's wife passes away, leaving him alone in his house with a huge garden.

After a lot of grief, the man ...

Remember when OJ Simpson was found innocent and all of us white people hit the street looting and damaging property?!

Oh, that's right, we didn't...

The Greenie

A woman from Sydney who was a tree hugging, vegetarian and anti-hunter purchased a piece of native bush land in northern N.S.W.

There was a large gum tree on one of the highest points in her property.

She wanted a good view of the natural splendour of her land, so she started to climb ...

A man is in court

(Long but worth it)

Judge: "You are accused of beating your wife to death. If you want to expect any mercy, you'll have to give us a damn good reason."
Man: "She was so stupid, I just had to kill her."
Judge: "That is even worse. If you don't want to be declared guilty on the spot, you ...

Why was the fisherman upset with his new property?

After selling his sole for a small plaice perched by the sea (something to the tuna 500 square feet), he found something fishy within contract and realised he cod do better if he weren't such a cheap-skate.

Been thinking of buying property in Syria...

heard the housing markets been booming.

I never really met my neighbors until they tried to sue me over the ownership of some property.

Turns out we had a lot in common.

Don't believe everything you hear

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Cowra.

He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The litigator r...

A friend was talking to me about investing in property in the Middle East

"Dubai?" I asked.

"No, I can't afford it yet", he replied.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Cityslicker (an old Jerry Clower story retold)

This ole' country boy invited his cityslicker friend out to the countryside to go hunting. When his friend arrives, the country boy tells him, "We'll head out to my uncle James' place. He's got a big spread and won't mind if we do some hunting on it."

So they head out and upon arrival, the c...

My neighbour wrongly accused me of property theft.

I didn't take a fence.

Once upon a time 2 kids were playing hide and seek

Their names were Shut Up, and Trouble. It was Trouble's turn to seek, so Shut Up went and ran into his neighbor's yard. His neighbor went onto his front lawn, upon seeing Shut Up he asked "what's your name, and why are you on my property?" to which Shut Up calmly replied, "Shut Up"

Neighbor: ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Fancy Chicago lawyer goes duck hunting in LA (Lower Alabama) (very long)

This lawyer had heard about the exceptional duck hunting in lower Alabama so he made plans to go one year. He left his hotel early and found a good spot by sun-up. He had the most expensive equipment money could buy.

He missed a few ducks, but then shot one. It flapped a couple times and lan...

An elderly gentleman was on his deathbed as his wife and three children and nurse stood close by.

“Bill, you take the Beverly Hills houses.

"Mary, you take the offices in the Center.

"Debra, the apartments over the L.A. Plaza are yours.

"To my dear wife, take all the residential buildings near downtown."

The nurse was really impressed. She said, "Your husband must hav...

Beethoven was deaf, but you better enjoy this joke :)

* Beethoven selling property *

Buyer: So, is it for sale or for rent?

Beethoven: For lease

A farmer got an idea for how to make money off his farm in the off-season.

He had a huge property all bounded by a big, white fence end to end. Along that fence was an old country road where few people drove.

He decided he would set up a Christmas light display like he'd heard about others doing. It took him some time to gather all the lights necessary, but eventual...

A man reported that his chickens had been stolen off his property

Police suspect fowl play.

A hunter shoots a deer and is pulling it back to his truck

A hunter shoots a deer and is pulling it back to his truck

A farmer passes by and says, "Hey you shot that deer on my property. That makes that deer mine."
The hunter says, "No way, I tracked it, I shot it, it's mine."
The farmer says, "Ok Ok...we'll settle this the old way."
"The ol...

Possessing people as a ghost in China must be hard.

Possession of government property is illegal after all.

Germany owed a massive debt to France after the treaty of Versailles

One day, Germany couldn't afford to pay the weekly payment to France. So France gathered a band of soldiers and rode into a small town in Rhineland on trucks, hoping to find anything valuable as reparation. After inspecting the town for a brief moment, they took its tram tracks and street lamps back...

If a cat catches all the mice on your property...

does that make it squeaky clean?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] [Long] Three men are stranded in the middle of the desert. Each one of them is starving, thirsty, and desperate to get home...

As they trudge through the endless desert, one of them spots a small cottage in the distance with scrap metal and junk all around it. He told the others and they all thought it was just a mirage. But as they drew near the cottage, they learned that it was very real.

They all get excited. C...

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