30 Jokes - 99 Hilarious 30 Jokes

Andrew Tate arrested in Romania after a pizza box showed he was in the country. Police arrested him within 30 minutes

As any longer would mean they had to give him a free garlic bread.

How do you get 30 Canadians out of a pool?

You say, “O.K., everybody, it’s time to get out of the pool!”

Did you know that 20 pirahnas can demolish a small child down to the bone in under 30 seconds?

In other news, I lost my job at the aquarium today.

(My nephew told me this joke yesterday, totally deadpan! Thought it was worth sharing!)

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At birth, success is being alive. At age 3, success is not pooping your pants. At age 10, success is having friends. At age 16, success is having a driver's license. At age 20, success is having sex. At age 30, success is having money...

At age 40, success is having money.

At age 55, success is having sex.

At age 70, success is having a driver's license.

At age 75, success is having friends.

At age 80, success is not pooping your pants.

At age 100, success is being alive.

I got my first job as an accountant at 22, right out of college. Suddenly, the week after I turned 30, they fired me.

13 years of loyal service to the company, down the drain.

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A woman was rushed to the hospital after stuffing 30 toy horses up her ass...

Her condition is stable.

It's a 5 minute walk from my house to the pub. It's a 30 minute walk from the pub to my house.

The difference is staggering.

6:30 is the best time on a clock

Hands down.

An Airbus 380 is on its way across the Atlantic. It flies consistently at 800 km/h at 30,000 feet, when suddenly a Eurofighter with a Tempo Mach 2 appears.

The pilot of the fighter jet slows down, flies alongside the Airbus and greets the pilot of the passenger plane by radio: "Airbus, boring flight isn’t it? Now have a look here!"
He rolls his jet on its back, accelerates, breaks through the sound barrier, rises rapidly to a dizzying height, and ...

Chinese takeout $30.00…gas to pick it up $20.00…

Getting home and realising they have forgotten one of your containers…

Riceless

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A man brings two ibuprofen and a glass of water to his wife of 30 years...

"What's this?" She asks.

"It's for your headache." He replies.

"I don't have a headache." She says.

"Oh good! So let's fuck" He replies.

Guess who just woke up to 19 missed calls and 30 messages from his ex

My ex

Hooker: “$10 on grass, $30 on sofa, $50 in bed” Man: “I’ll pay $50”

Hooker: “You’re a man of class :)”

Man: “Class my ass, I want it five times on grass”

So Putin is woken up at 02:30 in the morning.

"Vladimir Vladimirovich, the Ukrainians want to discuss the terms of surrender." says Putin's secretary.

Putin sits up on his bed and says: "Great, give me my phone, I'll call Zelinsky."

The secretary answers: "That won't be necessary, they are standing behind the door. Also, they gave...

Why can't a nose be 30.48 centimeters?

Because then it would be .3048 Meters.

Some jokes just don't translate well.

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Had sex for an hour and 30 seconds today

Thankyou daylight savings

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A man walks past a sign reading, "Tits - £10 each, Swallows for £30, £50 for a Shag", so the man walks in and asks, "how much for anal?"

The woman slaps him and shouts, "SIR! This is an aviary!!"

I explained to my wife that we’ll be paying twice as much as our house is worth over the life of our 30-year mortgage.

She said “interesting.”

My grandfather killed 30 german planes during World War 2

He was easily the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.

Can’t believe the film Groundhog Day came out 30 years ago....

It feels like yesterday.

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Tom retires from the Police after 30 years.

Sick of the stress, he buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge,...

My neighbor knocked on my door this morning at 2:30 AM!

Luckily for him i was still up playing my drums

Boss: John, for 30 years you have been bringing me coffee...

Boss: John, for 30 years you have been bringing me coffee, filled to the brim, without even spilling a drop. How do you manage that over these stairs?

John: That's easy! Before I climb up the stairs, I take a big sip, and as I get to the top, I put it back in.

I spent 30 minutes trying to take off my wife's bra today.

I should never have put in on in the first place.

Max has been working as a garment cutter for over 30 years for the same small company.

He had never been late once. One day he shows up for work two hours late with blood running from his lip and nose. His clothes are a mess, he's limping terribly, and looks to be in a lot of pain.

The boss asks him, "So Max, why are you late?"

Max breathlessly answers, "As I was going...

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I read that 30% of the internet is pornography and that really makes me disappointed in humanity...

...70% of the internet is being completely wasted.

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A prostitute walked up to me and said, "I'll do anything you want if you give me $30"

Guess who's getting his porch repainted!

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A wife strips naked in front of her husband and says, "when I did this 30 years ago, what did you think?"

He replies, I was thinking I wanted to suck your tits dry and fuck your brains out."

She asks "And what are you thinking now?"

"Looks like I did a good job."

Me: As I've gotten older, I've come to feel that 60 is the new 30.

Policeman: I don't care what you "feel", buster, 30 is the speed limit!

When Bill Gates donates 30% of his net worth

He is praised as a generous hero, But when I do it people tell me they don't accept donations under a dollar.

My professor made me write a 30 page essay on differentiates an integer from a decimal...

I said that there's no point

A guy goes on a dating show where he has to whittle down 30 girls to 1.

After a few rounds he has reduced 30 down to 5. Ann, Kira, Gee, Beth and Kaitlin still remain.

"OK ladies and gentlemen, we have five contestants remaining", announces the presenter, "you have a tough choice to make. Which one of these lovely girls will you take home tonight?"

Theres ...

A man offered me a free 72 ounce steak if I could finish it all in 30 minutes or less. I politely declined....

Upon further thought, It was a huge missed steak

From a 30 year old memory of a joke someone's grandfather told.

Brad's first year away at university was a lot of partying and paying for his friend's. He quickly runs out of money. His father would not be pleased with his wastefulness, so Brad sends him a message stating he has a professor that can teach his father's dog how to read and write for a bargain pric...

I paid $30 for gas that would last for weeks

And when I finished eating at Chipotle, I stopped at 7 Eleven to fill my car up.

I went to the Jail doctor who told me (age 62) that I had the body of a 30 year old...

I told them that I wasn't saying anything until I talked to my Lawyer.

Just been down the garage, £30 for a tyre pump.

Thirty quid!

Thirty bloody quid for a tyre pump!

They were £20 last year! This time last year, same brand, I promise you, twenty quid and not a penny more!

But I guess that's the cost of inflation.

They say a bad PowerPoint presentation reduces your lifespan by 30 minutes ...

Going by that metric, I've been dead since 1909.

A man was convicted of murdering his wife of 30 years

Before handing the sentence, the judge addressed the defendant: "The court would like you to explain what made you murder your wife after over 30 years of marriage".
"Well, your honor" answered the defendant "it's mostly procrastination. Every day I kept telling myself I'll do it tomorrow..."

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They say about 70% of people masturbate in the shower and about 30% sing in the shower. Do you know what the most popular song is to sing in the shower?

You don't? Well I guess we know what you've been doing.

I'm 30 days clean now

Taking a shower every day was hard, it's a good thing I had meth to get me through it

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Did you know that a pig’s orgasm lasts 30 minutes?

Well, your mom’s did last night.

Donald Trump is introducing a 30% tax on shredded cheese.

It's part of his plan to Make America Grate Again.

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Turning 30 was a lot sexier in Roman times

XXX

Everywhere else in the world, a 30 year old women disappearing is called a missing person's case

In Hollywood it's called dying by old age

If you think 30 seconds isn't a significant period of time..

... try hesitating for 30 seconds when your wife asks you if she looks fat in that dress.

R.Kelly has decided to contest his 30 year prison sentence

He wants it reduced to something below 14 years .

I heard R Kelly is appealing his 30 year sentence.

Said he is gonna try to swap it for two 15's

A newbie walks into work at 9:00 on his first day . He is very late and the boss is furious. “You should have been here at 8:30!” he shouts.

“Why?” says the guy. “What happened at 8:30?”

Judge : why did you kill your wife after 30 years of marriage

husband : because of procrastination, every day I tell myself I'll do it tomorrow

Me talking to a potential date. “I am 30 years old and have the body of a 18 year old” Potential date: “Oh yeah? Prove it”. Me,

“I would but I really don’t want to walk over to my freezer right now”.

A man gets mugged every 30 seconds in New York City

He is starting to get really fed up.

Why do women over 30 stop playing hide and seek?

Because nobody is looking for them.

Did you hear about the Irishman who drank 30 beers in 30 minutes?

It was a Guinness world record.

30 people walk into a bar

This is the worst game of limbo I've ever seen

My wife has stood by me for 30 years....

We only have 1 chair.

A man ends up in a 30-year coma.

After waking up, he receives a phone call from his bank.

He hears: "Dear Mr. Johnson, we are sorry to say that due to recent economic events, the total value of your investment portfolio is $950 billion."

The man, thrilled to hear that, goes to the hospital bar to get a coffee as soon ...

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Had sex with the wife for 30 minutes doggy style

last night. That's about 4 minutes in human time.

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A woman joins a country club, and when she hears some guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?" No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot…

Finally, one man says, "Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m."

He figures the early tee-time will discourage her. The woman says this may be a problem and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late.

They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay."

She's there at 6:30 am. sharp ...

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What's 30' long and smells like piss?

>!The line dance at the senior home!<

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"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old. "You always feel like you have to pee.

"You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!"

"Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you can't even crap anymore. You take laxatives, then you sit on the toilet all day waiting for the arrival and nothin...

10, 20, 30, 40, 50, 60, 70, 80, 90, 100, 110, 120...

Don't bother me. My work here is intense.

Police: How'd you kill 30 people?

Redhead: I was over speeding when all of a sudden the brakes failed. I had two options. There was a parade on one side and a couple walking on the other side.
Police: Why didn't you hit the couple?
Redhead: I did, but as soon as I turned the car towards them, they started running towards the p...

I fell off a 30 foot ladder yesterday.

I'm fine, I was only on the second rung.

Someone gave me a $30 tip today

He said if I wanted more than just the tip it would be $60.

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A pig's orgasm usually lasts 30 minutes...

Which is strange because my exes only lasted about 30 seconds.

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I got rejected from my job interview for coming 30 minutes early

The porn industry can go fu*k themselves for all i care

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Emily was 30 years old, and really flatchested

Emily was 30 years old, and really flatchested. Depspite bad confidence she headed to a pub on a Saturday night.

After a little while at the pub a handsome man stood by her and asked ”why do you look so sad?”. Well.. Said Emily, you see.. I’ts because I look like a newborn girl in the chest...

Kermit's $30,000 loan

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller.

He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a vacation."

Patricia looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name.

The frog says his name is Kermit J...

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Cashier: that’ll be $19.99

Me: *pulls out a $50*

Cashier: sorry we’ve been having problems with counterfeit money… Have anything smaller?

Me: Sure! *pulls out a $30*

Why should women not get married after 30?

30 marriages is more than enough

A Group of Guys Were All Turning 30...

A group of guys were all turning 30, so they decided to go somewhere and celebrate. After some discussion, they finally settled on TJ's Tavern over in Summersville, because the prices were good and it stayed open late.

Ten years later, they were all turning 40, and they thought it might be fu...

I just gave my gf the best 1hr 30 secs of her life

Shoutout to daylight saving time

Today I was asked out by about 30 women.

It was in the women's locker room, but that's still pretty impressive.

Women gain a superpower when they hit 30

Invisibility

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A boy starts his first day at Walmart.

His trainer says to him "I'll take care of the first 2 customers to show you how it's done and you can look after the 3rd.”

So the trainer goes to the first customer and says "Can I help you, m’am?" Lady goes "I'm looking for some garden hose.”

Trainer "Okay 10, 20 or 30 ft?"

L...

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Pizza guy: your total is $26.34

Me: I can't afford that

Pizza guy: well you're gonna have to pay some other way, then

Me: \[takes out wallet\] wait I forgot I had 30 bucks

Porn director: Cut, WTF?

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They say in a classroom of 30, one out of the 30 is going to be gay...

I really hope it's Johnny because damn is he cute

I asked my father for a 30-year-old escort for my birthday...

He brought home a 30-year-old Ford Escort instead.

A guy came home to his parents at 2 30 AM.

The mother shouted, ‘WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN! YOU SAID YOU’D BE BACK BY TEN!’

The guy groggily said ‘I’ve been with a couple of friends, we were studying for the test tomorrow, I promise’

The father rose and slapped him with all his might. ‘I don’t believe that!’ the father yelled. ‘You ha...

A company owner was asked a question,

How do you motivate your employees to be so punctual?"
He smiled & replied, "It's simple. I have 30 employees and 29 free parking spaces. One is paid parking."

I sat in my closed garage with the car on for 30 mins...

before I realized I shouldn't have gone with the Tesla.

If I got 50 cents for every failed math exam

I’d have $ 6.30 now.

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Brushing your teeth properly is like good sex. Longer than 30 seconds, good stroke technique

and there shouldn’t be any blood afterwards.

I got my first 30 kill streak!

Friend: Great job! What game were you playing?

Me: Oh, I don’t play video games

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I made a sex playlist for me and my girlfriend

Her complaint was that it was only 30 seconds long.

My great-grandad was personally responsible for bringing down over 30 German aircraft in WW2.

All the other mechanics in the Luftwaffe never really liked him though.

A man smokes a pack a day for 30 years

His wife, sick of it: do you realize that if you had saved all this cigaret money you could have bought a ferrari by now ?

The man answers: well where's your ferrari ?

Why do Mormon women stop having children at 30?

Because 31 or more is where daycare fees admittedly start becoming excessive.

My aunt's parrot can say over 30 phrases, but each one is offensive and belittling.

I say parrot, it's actually more of a mockingbird.

3 men bump into each other after 30 years apart....

They begin catching up on what each one has been up to over the past 30 years.

First guy - I got married and moved to LA where I ran my own restaurant. One morning, I showed up for work only to find my restaurant engulfed in flames. The whole thing burned to the ground. Insurance paid me a f...

A man stands in line at an ATM in Moscow.

After an hour he loses his patience and yells 'Putin is to blame for this I'm going to the Kremlin and kill him!'

30 minutes later he's back in line at the ATM.
'Why are you here again?' 'The line in front of the Kremlin is twice as long as this one...'

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I was telling a girl I met in a bar last night about my uncanny ability to guess the day a woman was born on just by feeling her tits.

"Really?" she said. "Go on then... Try."

After about 30 seconds of fondling she began to lose patience.

"Come on," she demanded, "What day was I born on?"

"Yesterday?" I replied.

A woman in England gives birth every 30 seconds.

She must be exhausted!

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Cheers to me not fucking a single man in my 30 years of life!!

I only fuck married men.

It has been 30 years

Yet my kidneys haven't grown into adultneys

What happened when 30 got hungry?

The CDC recommends that funeral gatherings be limited to 30 people and holiday gatherings be limited to 6 people.

Funeral proceedings for Gobbles the turkey will be held on November 26th and again on December 25th. Please bring beer to celebrate his life.

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The IRS suspected a fishing boat owner wasn't paying proper wages to his Deckhand, so they sent an agent to investigate him.

IRS AGENT: “I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them."

Boat Owner: “Well, there's Clarence, my deckhand, he's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $1,000 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does abou...

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