Engines are like jokes.

They only work if the timing is right.

Laziness is the engine of progress.

The accountant printed out 50 absolutely clean sheets on the printer. To the question “Why?”, she replied that she needed 50 blank sheets, and she did not want to count them manually.

My check engine light came on, so I popped the hood

my engine was still there.

A pilot encounters engine trouble during a storm over the Pacific Ocean

In a desperate attempt, he crash-lands on an uncharted island and loses consciousness.

A day or so later, he awakens to find himself bound and being dragged by some native savages to their camp.
The natives are going wild at the spectacle, as he is left in the center of the camp next to a...

The gynecologist who became a mechanic!

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork, and was burned out.

Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligentl...

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A rear-engine car argued with a Tank.

-What kind if an idiot has their heart in their ass?

The rear-engine car replied:

-At least i don't have a Dick on my forehead.

I just changed my car engine to France.

Gonna have tons of revolutions now!

Why is a fire engine red?

You’d be red too if your hose was showing.

The other day, I'm checking my buddy's engine

Out of nowhere, he tells me about the journey he took to find the woman he felt was inside him all along. But after a day of wearing make-up and a sundress, he knew it didn't feel right. And that's when I discovered his faulty trans mission.

Obama, Oprah, Trump and a little girl are on a plane. The engines fail...

... the pilots have already parachuted out the plane. The four mentioned are the only ones remaining on the plane. But there are only three parachutes.

Oprah quickly steps forward and says to the little girl; "I'm taking a parachute. I'll build a school for girls in your honour, it'll benefi...

Why was Thomas the Tank Engine bullied?

Because he is trains gender.

Both of the airplane's jet engines caught on fire. It's a disaster. You pick the last parachute, jump out. The parachute doesn't deploy. It's terrifying.

Oh come on, what's with all the drama?! You have the rest of your life to fix it!

What kind of noise does a street sweepers engine make

Broom broom

What happened to the wooden car with wooden seats, wooden wheels, and wooden engine?

It wooden go.

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Pilot says to the passengers, one engine has failed but don't worry this plane has four engines it will only add 20 minutes to the flight, then a second and third engine fail, Pilot says it's OK this plane can run on one engine and only adds 2 hours to the flight. Paddy says.

Fucking heck if the other engine fails, we could be up here forever.

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Frank the penguin is driving down the highway in his convertible, with the top down, enjoying the cool breeze on a hot summer day when he notices that his “check engine” light is on.

He pulls over into the nearest auto body shop, and after a few minutes of inspection, the mechanic tells him that there’s something up with the oil and it should only be about 30-35 minutes.

“You have some time to kill, why don’t you head into town for a few minutes?” the mechanic suggests. “...

What would happen if you have a wooden car, with a wooden engine, and with a wooden key?

That car wooden start.

A penguin is driving down the highway when he starts having engine problems.

He pulls into a local mechanic’s and the mechanic says, “Give me an hour and I’ll let you know the problem.” The penguin walks out and see an ice cream shop and goes in for a vanilla cone.
An hour later, he walks back to the mechanic’s. The mechanic see him coming and meets him at the counter ...

What do you call it when Thomas the Tank Engine beats his wife?

Domestic Caboose.

[Help] There's this really funny joke about a car that is missing its engine, does anyone else remember it?

I just don't know how it goes.

Three passengers are trapped with only two parachutes aboard a plane with a failing engine

They were Donald Trump, an old man, and a schoolgirl.

Donald Trump grabs a pack, saying; "Look, losers- I am the most intelligent, smartest president ever, okay? I have so many words, the best words- and anyway, you (pointing at the old man) look Mexican, and you, (pointing at the schoolgirl)...

(Possibly OC) There once was a car with a wooden body, wooden tyres and even a wooden engine.

It just wooden go.

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A priest and a rabbi are traveling in a airplane full of kids when the engine blows up...

...It is an emergency and the plane is going to crash. They both rush to don the only 2 emergency parachutes.

Rabbi: We are holy men. We deserve to live.

Priest: What about the kids?

Rabbi: Fuck the kids.

Priest: Do you think there is time?

I quit my job drilling ventilation holes in jet engines...

...it was just plane boring.

What does she know about engines anyway

Wife: "There's trouble with the car, sweetheart. It has water in the carburetor."

Husband: "Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous."

Wife: "I'm telling you the car has water in the carburetor."

Husband: "You don't even know what a carburetor is. I'll check it out. Where's th...

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An older man and his grandson are on a plane when one of the engines starts to fail.

Realizing they are still flying over a mountain range and have nowhere safe to put down, the pilot and co-pilot devise a plan to keep the plane aloft in the sky for everyone's safety. The pilot grabs his microphone and announces to the passengers,

"Hello passengers, this is your captain speak...

What's the difference between a quality microwave and someone who knows a quality search engine when they see it?

the microwave goes Bing.

A cardiac surgeon is picking up his Bentley from an engine repair.

As the owner's mechanic fetches the car, the owner gets to talking with the doctor and says, "You know, engine repair is a lot like open-heart surgery."

"How so?"

"Well, it's the 'heart' of the machine. It's got fuel injectors like veins, an oil pump like an aorta, and pistons that pum...

I used to have a full size wooden car. Wooden wheels, wooden engine, wooden seats.

BUT, when I tried to drive it, it wooden go.


Credit : u/johnnycrosshatch

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45000 feet above the Atlantic, the aircraft engine fails

And the captain declares an emergency. Everyone aboard the plane are scared shitless. A passenger sitting next to the pastor loses it and screams, 'Don't just sit there, do something religious!'.

The pastor promptly took up a collection.....

He worked for years to invent an engine that ran on ambient disappointment.

But at the unveiling, it wouldn't work.

Then it did.

Briefly.

Plane engine emergency

While on a flight the captain makes an announcement "Ladies and gentlemen we have had to turn off engine 1 and reduced speed. We will be delayed by 1 hour". A few minutes later the captain makes another announcement "Ladies and gentlemen we have had to turn off engine 2 and reduced speed, we will be...

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The vagina is the best engine in the world...

It can be started with one finger. It's self-lubricating. It accepts any size piston. It even changes its own oil every four weeks. It's a shame that the management system is so fucking temperamental...

I filled a steam engine with Holy Water.

The Power of Christ Propels You!
The Power of Christ Propels You!
The Power of Christ Propels You!

A Search Engine Optimization expert walks into a bar...

pub, tavern, inn, taproom, drinkery, public house, beer garden, beer, alcohol.

A son goes up to his dad one morning

He says”I’m starting a search service!” His dad, impressed, goes “That’s a great idea! Just look how well companies like Google and Bing are doing!” The son replies “Oh no dad, not that type of search engine. I’ll find things around the house for you. For example, five dollars, I’ll find your readin...

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A firefighter is working on the engine

A firefighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little boy next door in a little red wagon with tiny ladders hung off the side and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The boy is wearing a firefighter's helmet and has the wagon tied to a dog and a cat. The firefig...

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An aircraft bound for Florida with two hundred and forty passengers on board ran into some engine problem....

The plane was sure to crash so the pilot alerted all the crew members about this sad state of affairs and told them all to get hold of a parachute each and jump off the plane.


A young steward asked the captain, “What about the passengers, sir?”


“Fuck the passengers!” the captai...

IamA Bing search engine AMA

Please. Just ask me something.

A penguin is driving when he sees a check engine light on. He takes his car to the mechanic and then goes for ice cream.

A penguin is driving when he sees a check engine light on. He takes his car to the mechanic and then goes for ice cream. He gets a big dish of ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands, he makes a real mess trying to eat. After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks ...

What vehicle uses Bethesda's creation engine?

A buggy

Teacher to a sleepy kid in class: Who invented the Steam engine?

Student trying to act awake: What sir?

Teacher : Correct, James Watt invented the steam engine.


[not mine, I heard it a few years ago, just had this in my thought train]

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A very unlucky man with one testicle

There was this very unlucky man who only had one testicle. One day while he was travelling on a plane, the captain makes an announcement and tells that one of the engines of the plane have failed and one person must be thrown off the plane. To pick this person, they write everyone's seat numbers on ...

Why are fire engines red?

Because they have eight wheels and four people on them, and four plus eight makes twelve, and there are twelve inches in a foot, and one foot is a ruler, and Queen Elizabeth was a ruler, and Queen Elizabeth was also a ship, and the ship sailed the seas, and there were fish in the seas, and fish have...

What type of engine listens the best?

An engineer

What engine does the Google maps car have?

A search engine!

A Baker, a Brickmaker, and a bombmaker are on a plane when one of the engines fail

The pilot asks them to throw anything they brought out the door to lighten the plane. The baker throws out a loaf of bread, the brickmaker throws out a brick, and the bombmaker throws out a bomb.

The plane crashes anyway and the pilot dies. Miraculously the 3 men survive. They start walking ...

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Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit live in the same forest, but they don't like each other.

One day, they come across a golden frog who offers them three wishes each. Mr. Bear wishes that all the other bears in the forest were female. Mr. Rabbit wishes for a crash helmet. Mr. Bear's second wish is that all the bears in the neighboring forests were female as well. Mr. Rabbit wishes for a mo...

How did Thomas the Tank become a faster steam engine?

He trained.

What do South American governments and internal combustion engines have in common?

Both are measured in revolutions per minute.

What search engine is best for finding lewd pictures?

Yahooters

The Gynecologist had become

fed up with his job and decided to change professions. One day after seeing an advertisment for an auto mechanic school on TV, he decided to sign up. The Dr studied very hard and gave it the same level of excelence as he did when practicing medicine.

The day of the final exam came. The Dr had...

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A Catholic, a Jew, and a Buddhist are on a plane when suddenly the engine brakes down

There are no parachutes on the plane, so the men must rely on their faith to save them from death.

The Catholic says a prayer, jumps off the plane and survives the fall, but dies later in a hospital.

The Jew says a prayer jumps off the plane, and survives the fall, but injures his spin...

A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to one of those big "everything under one roof" stores looking for a job.

A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to one of those big "everything under one roof" stores looking for a job.

The manager asked, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid said, "Sure, I was a salesman back home in Texas."

The boss liked the kid so he gave him t...

My Wife Is Missing

Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not comehome!
Sheriff: Height?
Husband: I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.
Sheriff: Weight?
Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.
Sheriff: Color of eyes?
Husband: Sort of brown I think. Never really ...

Last night, a two-seat, single engine plane crashed in a Polish cemetery.

Polish authorities report that they have recovered five hundred bodies so far and believe thousands more may still be found.

"We're going to be together for the rest of our lives!" smiled my wife as we flew on our dream vacation to Hawaii...

"You seem pretty sure of yourself." I replied.

"I am!" she said, gazing out the window. "The left wing's fallen off and the engine's on fire."

Why does a jet engine turbine never sound like waltz?

Just because it is a huge metal fan.

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An airplane loses one of its engines and starts to lose altitude

Since they're flying over the ocean, all the nearest airports are hours away, so the pilot says:

'Ladies and gentlemen! Unfortunately, we'll crash... unless we get rid of some extra weight. The stewardesses have already thrown out all unnecessary objects, but this wasn't enough, so a few pass...

Did you hear about that new car made entirely from wood? It's crazy! Wooden wheels, wooden windows, wooden engine...

Wooden move.

My girlfriend was being very suspicious so I followed her, and now I have a huge problem

I need some advice guys. Recently my gf has been receiving too many calls during very odd hours of the night. She has also been coming home very late saying that she was at a team building meeting at work. I called her boss, and he said they've not had any such meeting for the past month. So yesterd...

There's a new search engine being developed for infants

Google Ga Ga

New BMWs don't have a dipstick located in the engine anymore

They're now located in the driver seat

A heart surgeon took his car to his local garage for a regular service, where he usually exchanged a little friendly banter with the owner, a skilled but not especially wealthy mechanic.

"So tell me," says the mechanic, "I've been wondering about what we both do for a living, and how much more you get paid than me.."
"Yes?.." says the surgeon.
"Well look at this," says the mechanic, as he worked on a big complicated engine, "I check how it's running, open it up, fix the valves...

One engine on a plane is failing...

So the pilot comes over the speaker and says 'Unfortunately the plane won't be able to handle all of the passengers without crashing. We will have to start removing passengers from the plane giving them parachutes and pushing them out until we reach our ideal flying weight. We will choose people alp...

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How do you translate "The Little Engine that Could" into Japanese?

Simple. It's "The Little Engine that will... or will receive great shame."

My check engine light just turned on.

I opened up the hood and the engine is still there. Thankfully everything is fine, but I was worried for a minute.

So there were 4 people on a private jet

Oprah Winfrey, Donald trump, Barack obama, and this little girl.

In the middle of there flight, the engine shuts down and and there going to crash.

So Oprah Winfrey says “the world needs me” and grabs a parachute and jumps off.

Then Donald trump grabs a parachute and jumps off ...

My SO and I went out on a boat with her parents. Midway thru the trip the engine started stalling...

My girlfriend, trying to be cute, says, "Dad can't you just do stuff right?! Dad looks her straight in the eye, without missing a beat, and says, "If I did things 'right' you wouldn't be here."

4 people, 3 parachutes, one plane about to crash.

There was a flight that had only four people on it - the pilot, a young boy scout, an elderly pastor and a scholarly looking gentleman. During the flight the pilot came back and said that they were experiencing engine difficulties and that the plane was going to crash. The good news was that they ha...

A Plane Has Engine Trouble

and the pilot tells the passengers that they need to unload some weight or the plane will crash. Unfortunately they can't get to the luggage and there are no parachutes, so in order to save the plane, three volunteers need to jump out of the plane and sacrifice their lives to save the others.
...

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"If you win the lottery, the first thing I want you to get me is a face lift and a boob job," said my 49 year old girlfriend as I was checking my ticket. "Well, actually, the first thing I would buy is a reconditioned engine and a respray for my Mondeo," I replied.

"Why would you waste your money tarting that old thing up, you might as well get yourself a new one," she said.

"My point exactly."

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A plane's engine cuts out and starts to fall from the sky

Everyone on the plane starts to freak out and lose their shit. A gorgeous woman stands up and asks, "Is there a man here that can make me feel like a real woman before we die?" Graciously, a well fit man stands up and starts to walk towards the woman while unbuttoning his shirt. He throws his shi...

One dark night in Dublin, a fire started inside the local chemical plant . . .

In a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around. When the fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fireman in charge and said, "All our secret formulas are in the vault in the centre of the...

The oldest joke in the world.

“Nock nock!

“Who’s there?”

“YAH”

“Yah who?”

“The search engine”.

A penguin grows tired of winters in Alaska, so

... he buys a used Corvette and heads southbound for California for warmer climates.

After driving about 800 miles, he hears a bad noise coming from the engine. He sees an auto repair shop in a small town and decides to pull in. The penguin explains the problem to the mechanic and he is told...

Microsoft has developed a special version of the Halo 3 rendering engine which can run within LibreOffice Calc spreadsheets...

It's called Halo3.**ods**t

Old airforce joke

A C-130 is being escorted by an F-16. The fighter pilot gets bored, pushes the engine and does some stunts. He loops, dives, does a few barrel rolls and has some fun.
He radioes the C-130 pilot: "How was that? Cool, huh?" C-130 pilot radioes back: "That was nothing. I can do something with my be...

The Salesman

A keen country lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department store. In fact it was the biggest store in the world - you could get anything there.

The boss asked him, "Have you ever been a salesman before?"

"Yes, I was a salesman in the country" said the lad.

The boss lik...

What do you call a search engine that sings Christmas songs?

Michael googlé.

What's the difference between a Pilot and a jet engine?

A jet engine stops whining after it lands

A gynecologist has a midlife crisis and takes night classes to become a mechanic...

She's really nervous the night of the final, so she studies real hard and hopes for the best.

When the grades are posted, she freaks out because her grade says 150% and she assumes it was an error, so she goes to see the instructor.

He explains it's no error.

"You took apart th...

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As a plane flies over the Atlantic an engine bursts...

The pilot gets on the intercom and says "Attention Passengers, please stay calm. We appear to be having minor engine problems, and in order to assure a safe, non-water landing, we have to ditch all non necessary weight"

So all the plane's drink carts and excess cargo and such is dumped, and t...

An American, a German, an Irishman and an Englishman are on a plane...

The plane has four engines, and one of them fails unexpectedly. The pilot says the plane cannot support their weight, so one of them is going to have to jump. The American steps forward, says "I'm doing this for my country", and jumps. A while later, another engine fails. This time, the German steps...

A mechanical engineer, an electrical engineer, and a computer engineer are riding in a car.

The car brakes down and coast to the side of the road.

"Hang on," says the mechanical engineer. "The problem is probably the engine, let me have a look at it and I'll have us on the road again in no time."

"Wait," says the electrical engineer. "The way it just stopped like that, I th...

How do you turn $0.35 into $100 000?

Throw it into a jet engine.

Doctor has a point.

A Lexus mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a LS460 when he spotted
a well-known cardiologist in his shop.

The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his car
when the mechanic shouted across the garage,
"Hey Doc, want to...

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A planes engine has failed and the aircraft going to crash in the next few minutes

There are 4 people on board, the crew has already abandoned the plane with most of the parachutes. There is only 3 left.

On board is a priest, Stevie wonder, a cop and a young girl.

The cop assumes control of the situation and begins to hand out the parachute to those he views that de...

Helicopter Crash

A helicopter carrying passengers suddenly loses engine power and the aircraft begins to descend


The pilot safely performs an emergency landing in water, and tells the passengers to remain seated and to keep the doors closed, stating that in emergency situations, the aircraft is designed t...

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A grandfather and his grandson are on a flight home when an engine blows...

The pilot comes on the intercom "This is your captain speaking. We seem to have lost an engine and we are quickly losing altitude. So to reduce weight we will need to dump all the cargo and luggage." All the cargo and luggage gets dumped and the pilot comes on the intercom again "This is your captai...

What's the most popular search engine in Israel?

They surf the Net On Yahoo.

After 40 years as a gynecologist,

John decided he had enough money to retire and take up his real love—car mechanics. He left his practice, enrolled in a car mechanics class and studied hard. The day of the final exam came and John worried if he would be able to complete the test with the same proficiency as his younger classmates. ...

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On a Trans-Atlantic flight, an airline's engine goes out...

...after the pilot stabilizes the plane, he comes across the radio and announces the disaster. "We're going to have to jettison the luggage, but don't worry; US Coast Guard cutters are standing by to collect your belongings once they land and they'll be returned to you."

After jettisoning the...

What an answer

A pilot is flying a small single engine plane with a lot of really important execs on board into Seattle airport. There is fog so thick that visibility is 10m, and his instruments are out. He circles looking for a landmark and after an hour, he is low on fuel and his passengers are very nervous. ...

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A bear is chasing a squirrel in the woods.

They cross a river when, all of a sudden, the river genie appears. Genie: "Well, shit. Two customers. I don't know who triggered this whole thing, so lemme give you 3 wishes. Bear, you start, since you're bigger." Bear thinks for a moment. He smiles: "Ok, I want all the other bears in this forest to...

You gotta keep the car and engine running

80 year old Jim marrined 18 year old Linda and he was the towns envy. Soon Linda got pregnant and was at the hospital giving birth. The nurse told Jim,"Its amazing you managed to do this at your age". Jim replied,"well one has gotta keep the car and engine running"

Soon a year later they were...

A blonde is taking a trip by airplane.

Over the speaker the captain addresses the passengers saying, "Folks, it seems one of our four engines is having difficulties. We are going to have to shut it down. There is nothing to worry about, this will just add an hour to our flight. Thank you for your patience."

The blonde looks out th...