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Frank the penguin is driving down the highway in his convertible, with the top down, enjoying the cool breeze on a hot summer day when he notices that his “check engine” light is on.

He pulls over into the nearest auto body shop, and after a few minutes of inspection, the mechanic tells him that there’s something up with the oil and it should only be about 30-35 minutes.

“You have some time to kill, why don’t you head into town for a few minutes?” the mechanic suggests. “...

Why is a fire engine red?

You’d be red too if your hose was showing.

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A rear-engine car argued with a Tank.

-What kind if an idiot has their heart in their ass?

The rear-engine car replied:

-At least i don't have a Dick on my forehead.

What kind of noise does a street sweepers engine make

Broom broom

The other day, I'm checking my buddy's engine

Out of nowhere, he tells me about the journey he took to find the woman he felt was inside him all along. But after a day of wearing make-up and a sundress, he knew it didn't feel right. And that's when I discovered his faulty trans mission.

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Pilot says to the passengers on a 747 Jumbo Jet one of the engines has failed but don't worry it only adds quarter of hour to the journey then a second and third engine fail Captain says don't worry it will only add another hour and half to the journey, Paddy says:

Fucking hell if the fourth engine fails, we could be up here all day...

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A priest and a rabbi are traveling in a airplane full of kids when the engine blows up...

...It is an emergency and the plane is going to crash. They both rush to don the only 2 emergency parachutes.

Rabbi: We are holy men. We deserve to live.

Priest: What about the kids?

Rabbi: Fuck the kids.

Priest: Do you think there is time?

A penguin is driving down the highway when he starts having engine problems.

He pulls into a local mechanic’s and the mechanic says, “Give me an hour and I’ll let you know the problem.” The penguin walks out and see an ice cream shop and goes in for a vanilla cone.
An hour later, he walks back to the mechanic’s. The mechanic see him coming and meets him at the counter ...

What do you call it when Thomas the Tank Engine beats his wife?

Domestic Caboose.

What would happen if you have a wooden car, with a wooden engine, and with a wooden key?

That car wooden start.

(Possibly OC) There once was a car with a wooden body, wooden tyres and even a wooden engine.

It just wooden go.

[Help] There's this really funny joke about a car that is missing its engine, does anyone else remember it?

I just don't know how it goes.

Obama, Oprah, Trump and a little girl are on a plane. The engines fail...

... the pilots have already parachuted out the plane. The four mentioned are the only ones remaining on the plane. But there are only three parachutes.

Oprah quickly steps forward and says to the little girl; "I'm taking a parachute. I'll build a school for girls in your honour, it'll benefi...

What happened to the wooden car with wooden seats, wooden wheels, and wooden engine?

It wooden go.

What's the difference between a quality microwave and someone who knows a quality search engine when they see it?

the microwave goes Bing.

I quit my job drilling ventilation holes in jet engines...

...it was just plane boring.

What does she know about engines anyway

Wife: "There's trouble with the car, sweetheart. It has water in the carburetor."

Husband: "Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous."

Wife: "I'm telling you the car has water in the carburetor."

Husband: "You don't even know what a carburetor is. I'll check it out. Where's th...

A cardiac surgeon is picking up his Bentley from an engine repair.

As the owner's mechanic fetches the car, the owner gets to talking with the doctor and says, "You know, engine repair is a lot like open-heart surgery."

"How so?"

"Well, it's the 'heart' of the machine. It's got fuel injectors like veins, an oil pump like an aorta, and pistons that pum...

I filled a steam engine with Holy Water.

The Power of Christ Propels You!
The Power of Christ Propels You!
The Power of Christ Propels You!

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An older man and his grandson are on a plane when one of the engines starts to fail.

Realizing they are still flying over a mountain range and have nowhere safe to put down, the pilot and co-pilot devise a plan to keep the plane aloft in the sky for everyone's safety. The pilot grabs his microphone and announces to the passengers,

"Hello passengers, this is your captain speak...

I used to have a full size wooden car. Wooden wheels, wooden engine, wooden seats.

BUT, when I tried to drive it, it wooden go.


Credit : u/johnnycrosshatch

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45000 feet above the Atlantic, the aircraft engine fails

And the captain declares an emergency. Everyone aboard the plane are scared shitless. A passenger sitting next to the pastor loses it and screams, 'Don't just sit there, do something religious!'.

The pastor promptly took up a collection.....

Three passengers are trapped with only two parachutes aboard a plane with a failing engine

They were Donald Trump, an old man, and a schoolgirl.

Donald Trump grabs a pack, saying; "Look, losers- I am the most intelligent, smartest president ever, okay? I have so many words, the best words- and anyway, you (pointing at the old man) look Mexican, and you, (pointing at the schoolgirl)...

Plane engine emergency

While on a flight the captain makes an announcement "Ladies and gentlemen we have had to turn off engine 1 and reduced speed. We will be delayed by 1 hour". A few minutes later the captain makes another announcement "Ladies and gentlemen we have had to turn off engine 2 and reduced speed, we will be...

He worked for years to invent an engine that ran on ambient disappointment.

But at the unveiling, it wouldn't work.

Then it did.

Briefly.

A son goes up to his dad one morning

He says”I’m starting a search service!” His dad, impressed, goes “That’s a great idea! Just look how well companies like Google and Bing are doing!” The son replies “Oh no dad, not that type of search engine. I’ll find things around the house for you. For example, five dollars, I’ll find your readin...

Did you hear the Little Engine that Could is going to be on a dance competition?

The show is going to be called “So You Think You Can?”

A penguin is driving when he sees a check engine light on. He takes his car to the mechanic and then goes for ice cream.

A penguin is driving when he sees a check engine light on. He takes his car to the mechanic and then goes for ice cream. He gets a big dish of ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands, he makes a real mess trying to eat. After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks ...

What type of engine listens the best?

An engineer

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A firefighter is working on the engine

A firefighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little boy next door in a little red wagon with tiny ladders hung off the side and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The boy is wearing a firefighter's helmet and has the wagon tied to a dog and a cat. The firefig...

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The vagina is the best engine in the world...

It can be started with one finger. It's self-lubricating. It accepts any size piston. It even changes its own oil every four weeks. It's a shame that the management system is so fucking temperamental...

What vehicle uses Bethesda's creation engine?

A buggy

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My mate cut his cock off and dressed up like Thomas The Tank Engine . . . .

He's trains-gender

Teacher to a sleepy kid in class: Who invented the Steam engine?

Student trying to act awake: What sir?

Teacher : Correct, James Watt invented the steam engine.


[not mine, I heard it a few years ago, just had this in my thought train]

My girlfriend was being very suspicious so I followed her, and now I have a huge problem

I need some advice guys. Recently my gf has been receiving too many calls during very odd hours of the night. She has also been coming home very late saying that she was at a team building meeting at work. I called her boss, and he said they've not had any such meeting for the past month. So yesterd...

How did Thomas the Tank become a faster steam engine?

He trained.

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A very unlucky man with one testicle

There was this very unlucky man who only had one testicle. One day while he was travelling on a plane, the captain makes an announcement and tells that one of the engines of the plane have failed and one person must be thrown off the plane. To pick this person, they write everyone's seat numbers on ...

One dark night in Dublin, a fire started inside the local chemical plant . . .

In a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around. When the fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fireman in charge and said, "All our secret formulas are in the vault in the centre of the...

Why are fire engines red?

Because they have eight wheels and four people on them, and four plus eight makes twelve, and there are twelve inches in a foot, and one foot is a ruler, and Queen Elizabeth was a ruler, and Queen Elizabeth was also a ship, and the ship sailed the seas, and there were fish in the seas, and fish have...

IamA Bing search engine AMA

Please. Just ask me something.

A Baker, a Brickmaker, and a bombmaker are on a plane when one of the engines fail

The pilot asks them to throw anything they brought out the door to lighten the plane. The baker throws out a loaf of bread, the brickmaker throws out a brick, and the bombmaker throws out a bomb.

The plane crashes anyway and the pilot dies. Miraculously the 3 men survive. They start walking ...

A gynecologist had become so fed up with malpractice insurance and paperwork...

that he finally burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful
hands would be beneficial, he decided to become an auto mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could. When the time for the practical exam approached, ...

What search engine is best for finding lewd pictures?

Yahooters

What do South American governments and internal combustion engines have in common?

Both are measured in revolutions per minute.

"We're going to be together for the rest of our lives!" smiled my wife as we flew on our dream vacation to Hawaii...

"You seem pretty sure of yourself." I replied.

"I am!" she said, gazing out the window. "The left wing's fallen off and the engine's on fire."

The Gynecologist had become

fed up with his job and decided to change professions. One day after seeing an advertisment for an auto mechanic school on TV, he decided to sign up. The Dr studied very hard and gave it the same level of excelence as he did when practicing medicine.

The day of the final exam came. The Dr had...

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A Catholic, a Jew, and a Buddhist are on a plane when suddenly the engine brakes down

There are no parachutes on the plane, so the men must rely on their faith to save them from death.

The Catholic says a prayer, jumps off the plane and survives the fall, but dies later in a hospital.

The Jew says a prayer jumps off the plane, and survives the fall, but injures his spin...

My Wife Is Missing

Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not comehome!
Sheriff: Height?
Husband: I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.
Sheriff: Weight?
Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.
Sheriff: Color of eyes?
Husband: Sort of brown I think. Never really ...

Why does a jet engine turbine never sound like waltz?

Just because it is a huge metal fan.

A heart surgeon took his car to his local garage for a regular service, where he usually exchanged a little friendly banter with the owner, a skilled but not especially wealthy mechanic.

"So tell me," says the mechanic, "I've been wondering about what we both do for a living, and how much more you get paid than me.."
"Yes?.." says the surgeon.
"Well look at this," says the mechanic, as he worked on a big complicated engine, "I check how it's running, open it up, fix the valves...

Last night, a two-seat, single engine plane crashed in a Polish cemetery.

Polish authorities report that they have recovered five hundred bodies so far and believe thousands more may still be found.

There's a new search engine being developed for infants

Google Ga Ga

Did you hear about that new car made entirely from wood? It's crazy! Wooden wheels, wooden windows, wooden engine...

Wooden move.

After 40 years as a gynecologist,

John decided he had enough money to retire and take up his real love—car mechanics. He left his practice, enrolled in a car mechanics class and studied hard. The day of the final exam came and John worried if he would be able to complete the test with the same proficiency as his younger classmates. ...

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Passionate Sex at 95

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Rubia went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, *'He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunda...

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How do you translate "The Little Engine that Could" into Japanese?

Simple. It's "The Little Engine that will... or will receive great shame."

One engine on a plane is failing...

So the pilot comes over the speaker and says 'Unfortunately the plane won't be able to handle all of the passengers without crashing. We will have to start removing passengers from the plane giving them parachutes and pushing them out until we reach our ideal flying weight. We will choose people alp...

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An airplane loses one of its engines and starts to lose altitude

Since they're flying over the ocean, all the nearest airports are hours away, so the pilot says:

'Ladies and gentlemen! Unfortunately, we'll crash... unless we get rid of some extra weight. The stewardesses have already thrown out all unnecessary objects, but this wasn't enough, so a few pass...

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A plane's engine cuts out and starts to fall from the sky

Everyone on the plane starts to freak out and lose their shit. A gorgeous woman stands up and asks, "Is there a man here that can make me feel like a real woman before we die?" Graciously, a well fit man stands up and starts to walk towards the woman while unbuttoning his shirt. He throws his shi...

My check engine light just turned on.

I opened up the hood and the engine is still there. Thankfully everything is fine, but I was worried for a minute.

A Plane Has Engine Trouble

and the pilot tells the passengers that they need to unload some weight or the plane will crash. Unfortunately they can't get to the luggage and there are no parachutes, so in order to save the plane, three volunteers need to jump out of the plane and sacrifice their lives to save the others.
...

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"If you win the lottery, the first thing I want you to get me is a face lift and a boob job," said my 49 year old girlfriend as I was checking my ticket. "Well, actually, the first thing I would buy is a reconditioned engine and a respray for my Mondeo," I replied.

"Why would you waste your money tarting that old thing up, you might as well get yourself a new one," she said.

"My point exactly."

Old airforce joke

A C-130 is being escorted by an F-16. The fighter pilot gets bored, pushes the engine and does some stunts. He loops, dives, does a few barrel rolls and has some fun.
He radioes the C-130 pilot: "How was that? Cool, huh?" C-130 pilot radioes back: "That was nothing. I can do something with my be...

Microsoft has developed a special version of the Halo 3 rendering engine which can run within LibreOffice Calc spreadsheets...

It's called Halo3.**ods**t

A woman’s VW Beetle breaks down

She stops at the side of the road and doesn’t know what to do.

She has no phone signal, and doesn’t see any cars. She feels stranded.

20 minutes later she sees a car in a distance! ...but it doesn’t stop.

Neither does the next one. She’s distraught.

Then after much wait...

What's the difference between a Pilot and a jet engine?

A jet engine stops whining after it lands

My SO and I went out on a boat with her parents. Midway thru the trip the engine started stalling...

My girlfriend, trying to be cute, says, "Dad can't you just do stuff right?! Dad looks her straight in the eye, without missing a beat, and says, "If I did things 'right' you wouldn't be here."

Two blondes were on a plane to New York.

About two hours into the flight, the pilot speaks over the intercom, "Attention ladies and gentlemen, we appear to have burst one of our engines. No need to panic; we still have three more. Our arrival time has been delayed by about an hour. We sincerely apologize for any inconveniences."

...

How do you turn $0.35 into $100 000?

Throw it into a jet engine.

A gynecologist has a midlife crisis and takes night classes to become a mechanic...

She's really nervous the night of the final, so she studies real hard and hopes for the best.

When the grades are posted, she freaks out because her grade says 150% and she assumes it was an error, so she goes to see the instructor.

He explains it's no error.

"You took apart th...

THE salesman story.

A young guy from North Dakota moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.

The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in North Dakota ."

Well, the boss was unsure, b...

Doctor has a point.

A Lexus mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a LS460 when he spotted
a well-known cardiologist in his shop.

The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his car
when the mechanic shouted across the garage,
"Hey Doc, want to...

What's the most popular search engine in Israel?

They surf the Net On Yahoo.

The story of the tramp and the holiday

The tramp sat in his park, as normal one cold winter day. He saw a young girl playing on the frozen lake. The ice gave and she fell in. Acting quickly, the tramp ran onto the ice and managed to pull her out and get her back to shore.

Waiting for him was a man in a suit. The girl ran over to h...

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As a plane flies over the Atlantic an engine bursts...

The pilot gets on the intercom and says "Attention Passengers, please stay calm. We appear to be having minor engine problems, and in order to assure a safe, non-water landing, we have to ditch all non necessary weight"

So all the plane's drink carts and excess cargo and such is dumped, and t...

I want to take my dream girl on a traction engine ride

Things will get steamy pretty quickly.

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A planes engine has failed and the aircraft going to crash in the next few minutes

There are 4 people on board, the crew has already abandoned the plane with most of the parachutes. There is only 3 left.

On board is a priest, Stevie wonder, a cop and a young girl.

The cop assumes control of the situation and begins to hand out the parachute to those he views that de...

An American, a German, an Irishman and an Englishman are on a plane...

The plane has four engines, and one of them fails unexpectedly. The pilot says the plane cannot support their weight, so one of them is going to have to jump. The American steps forward, says "I'm doing this for my country", and jumps. A while later, another engine fails. This time, the German steps...

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A grandfather and his grandson are on a flight home when an engine blows...

The pilot comes on the intercom "This is your captain speaking. We seem to have lost an engine and we are quickly losing altitude. So to reduce weight we will need to dump all the cargo and luggage." All the cargo and luggage gets dumped and the pilot comes on the intercom again "This is your captai...

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On a Trans-Atlantic flight, an airline's engine goes out...

...after the pilot stabilizes the plane, he comes across the radio and announces the disaster. "We're going to have to jettison the luggage, but don't worry; US Coast Guard cutters are standing by to collect your belongings once they land and they'll be returned to you."

After jettisoning the...

A blonde is taking a trip by airplane.

Over the speaker the captain addresses the passengers saying, "Folks, it seems one of our four engines is having difficulties. We are going to have to shut it down. There is nothing to worry about, this will just add an hour to our flight. Thank you for your patience."

The blonde looks out th...

3 drunk men get into a taxi...

3 drunk men get into a taxi. After listening to the instructions from the men, the driver realised that he could scam them easily. So he turned on the engine, revved it a bit and turned it off.

The first one paid, got out and walked away, the second walked out and threw up in the bushes, but...

What an answer

A pilot is flying a small single engine plane with a lot of really important execs on board into Seattle airport. There is fog so thick that visibility is 10m, and his instruments are out. He circles looking for a landmark and after an hour, he is low on fuel and his passengers are very nervous. ...

You gotta keep the car and engine running

80 year old Jim marrined 18 year old Linda and he was the towns envy. Soon Linda got pregnant and was at the hospital giving birth. The nurse told Jim,"Its amazing you managed to do this at your age". Jim replied,"well one has gotta keep the car and engine running"

Soon a year later they were...

The wife and I went to a bank robbers themed fancy dress party last night.

Well,I did. She stayed in the car keeping the engine running.

What should you do if your car's engine is running slow?

Get it to do some CARdio

Fifteen minutes into the flight from Kansas City to Toronto, the captain announced

"Ladies and gentlemen, one of our engines has failed. There is nothing to worry about. Our flight will take an hour longer than scheduled, but we still have three engines left."

Thirty minutes later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and the flight will take an additional two ...

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An admiral is doing an inspection of his ships.

First, he talks to the Captain of an aircraft carrier and asks for a status report. The captain says, " Sir, the stern engine appears to be disconnected from the other engines. The engineers say that it may be malfunctioning." The admiral makes a note of this and says that he will order repairs to t...