UPJOKE
yeardaymoonweekjanuaryfebruaryapriljunejulydecemberseptembernovemberoctoberaugustmarch

Month Jokes

I’m giving up drinking, for a month.

*(oops, incorrect punctuation)*

I’m giving up. Drinking for a month.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Which month do men jerk off the least?

February. Because it’s the shortest

As it is the month of Ramadan

A man goes to an imam and says "I want to get married, find me a spouse."

The imam says "I can't promise I can find you a spouse but if you fast tomorrow, by sunset you'll have a date."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My doctor gave me 6 months, so I shot him.

## The judge gave me 60 years!


 

 

 


### My (other) favorite one liners:

1. I’ve had amnesia for as long as I can remember.

1. What do you call a cheap circumcision? A ripoff.

1. French tanks have five rever...

A woman was 3 months pregnant when she fell into a deep coma and woke up after about 10 months.

The woman asked the doctor about her baby.

Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl. They’re both fine. And, your brother named them for you.

Woman: No No No! Not my brother. He’s an idiot! What did he name the girl?

Doctor: Denise.

Woman: Ohh, that’s actually a nice n...

9 months later!!!

John decided to go skiing with his buddy, Keith. So they loaded up John's minivan and headed north.

After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm
and asked the attractive lady who answered the
door if they could spend the nigh...

The doctor gave me 4 months to live.

So I shot him. The judge gave me 20 years. Problem solved.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A trucker who has been out on the road for two months stops at a brothel outside Atlanta.

He walks directly up to the Madam, drops down $500, and says, "I want your ugliest woman and a grilled cheese sandwich!"

The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my prettiest ladies and a three-course meal."

The trucker replies, "Listen darlin’,...

There was a man who was born on the fifth day of the fifth month of 1955, whose lucky number was five.

There was a man who was born on the fifth day of the fifth month of 1955, whose lucky number was five. On his birthday, he went to the racetrack and was astounded to see that in the fifth race (scheduled for five o'clock) a horse named Pentagram was running, with the odds of 55 to 1. Rushing off to ...

I completely misunderstood Pride Month..

Does anyone want to buy 14 lions?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm giving up masturbating for an entire month.

Sorry, bad punctuation.

I'm giving up. Masturbating for an entire month.

What is Mr. T's favorite month?

April, fools

What bleeds once a month in the mouth?

Me, when I remember to floss once a month.

Last month a girl broke up with me because I couldn’t get erect.

She recently sent me a message to apologise for the way she went about it. I said ‘It’s all good, no hard feelings.’

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I hate that SEPTember, OCTober, NOVember, and DECember aren't the 7th, 8th, 9th, and 10th months......

Whoever fucked this up should be stabbed!

Lowes is celebrating Pride Month ...

I couldn't find a straight board in the whole store.

My cousin who stutters was sentenced to 6 months in prison

That was two years ago, but he still hasn’t finished his sentence

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An 18 year-old Italian girl tells her mother she missed her period for two months...

Very worried, the mother goes to the farmacia (drugstore) and buys a pregnancy test. She brings it to her daughter who takes the test. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing,
crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"

The...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Tim has been dating his girlfriend for months, but he was never able to get her to orgasm...

He tried everything. Different positions, speeds, different lubes, even different music playing in the background. Nothing worked. Finally, she complains that she's just too hot during sex, and being all sweaty kills the mood.

So not having an electric fan to cool them down, Tim invites his ...

A boss tells his new employee, "I'll give you 15bucks an hour starting today and in three months….,

I'll raise it to 18bucks an hour. So when would you like to start?"

"In 3 months," the employee replies.

I ordered a book called "How to scam people online" two months ago.

It still hasn't arrived yet.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

MEN'S HELP LINE - Letter of the Month

Hi John,

I really need your advice on a serious problem: I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs: if the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up; she goes out with the girls a lot. I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes h...

Joke Of The Month

A man checked into a hotel. There was a computer
in his room, so he decided to send an email to his
wife. He accidentally typed the wrong email
address, and without realising he sent the email to
a widow who had just returned from her
husband's funeral. The widow decided to check
h...

I think the wife's got me a build-it-yourself scale model of a horse for my birthday next month.

I've just found a big piece of it hidden in her bedside drawer.

The holy month of Ramadan starts today. For all my Muslim friends who are observing Ramadan…

..Lunch is on me.

My friend's girlfriend is 6 months pregnant, they asked if I wanna put my hand on the baby.

Apparently they meant from the outside.

TIL that October is Dwarfism awareness month.

This surprised me, because I'd have thought it would have been February...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Yesterday my daughter was playing in the garden when I saw her kill a butterfly. So to teach her a lesson I said, "Just for that you don't get any butter for a month."

Today in the kitchen she killed a cockroach. I said, "Nice try."

My doctor told me I only had six months to live, so I leapt over his desk and stabbed him through the heart with his own pen.

Got me twenty years.

9 months from now there will be a baby boom. 13 years later will give rise to the next generation, known as

Quarenteens.

It's been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress.

Tomorrow I'm going there in person to see what's really going on.

A 3 month pregnant woman falls into a deep coma...

She awakens from her coma in the hospital around a year later. She quickly asks the doctor "how is my baby?" The doctor said "you had twins, a boy and a girl, and they are in the care of your brother who also named the pair." The mother says "what? No, not my brother. He's an idiot." "What did he na...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guy goes to the doctor for a checkup and gets bad news. "You've got a rare disease and you've only got 6 months to live" he is told.

The patient is incredulous and tells the doctor he's going to get a second opinion.

He finds another doctor a few days later and after a battery of tests, this doctor gives him the same bad news. Patient is in shock and asks if there's anything he should do.

The doctor pauses a moment ...

Why did the scarecrow win employee of the month?

He was outstanding in his field

A guy sits down at the bar and orders drink after drink. "Is everything okay, pal?" the bartender asks. "My wife and I got into a fight and she said she wasn’t going to talk to me for a month.”

Trying to put a positive spin on things, the bartender says, "Well, maybe that's kind of a good thing. You know... a little peace and quiet?"

"Yeah. But today is the last day...”

An American after staying in London for a month asked a local " Why do British eat like German planes are still flying overhead" ?

The briton replied " why do Americans eat like they have free healthcare" ?

I came up with this joke about a month ago, just remembered to post it.

A young woman had a real big problem, all her life it took her forever to go pee. Sometimes she would be sitting on the toilet for several minutes of agony before she could squeeze out a drop. It also made her so self-conscious that she was scared to date, despite being a fairly attractive woman....

Every morning at breakfast for the past 6 months, I announce loudly to my family that I’m going for a jog, and then I don’t.

It’s my longest running joke of the year.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

George raises his beer mug in the air and says, "Here's to spending the rest of my life having sex with my wife!" The bar is filled with whistles and claps, and the bartender even gives him a ribbon that says, "Best Toast of the Month".

When George gets home, he shows his wife, Linda, the ribbon. "And what exactly was your award-winning toast?" she asks.

George thinks for a while and says, "Here's to spending the rest of my life going to church with my wife."

The next day when George is at work, Linda is walking down ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A pianist was hired to play background music for a movie. When it was completed he asked when and where he could see the picture. The producer sheepishly confessed that it was actually a porn film and it was due out in a month.

A month later, the musician went to a porn theatre to see the adult movie.
With his collar up and dark glasses on, he took a seat in the back row of the adult cinema, next to a couple who also seemed to be in disguise.
The movie was even raunchier than he had feared, featuring group sex, S/M, ...

What do you get if you tell the same joke every day for a month?

About 3K karma and a ban from r/jokes.

Why does England feel like it's two months ahead of us?

It's only March 28th here, but in England it feels like it's the end of May.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I told my friend I made $600 a month selling dog shit

He said: "That's gross!"

I said: "No, that's net."

My wife just told me that in 9 months, I’m in for a big surprise...

I can’t wait for Santa to come now!!

It's now 7 months since I joined the gym and nothing has changed.

Maybe it's time I go there personally and find out what's wrong.

My wife rotates playing her guitar, drum, or flute once a month.

It’s part of her minstrel cycle.

October is ADHD awareness month.

Appropriately enough it is also fire prevention month, breast cancer awareness month, the first couple of weeks are part of Hispanic heritage month and and some other things that I forgot.

Why did the Blonde feel so proud of herself for finishing a jigsaw puzzle in only six months?

It said 2-4 years on the box.

They say you should test your fire alarm once a month...

But it's costing me a fortune in houses!

Doctor: "You're terminal. You haven't more than six months left to live."

"I want a second opinion."
"You're also ugly."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In honor of National Humor Month, I have one.

People say Mules are much hardier than other Equines.

They really only do a half Ass job though.

There’s a lady 6 months pregnant with twins in a car crash..

And she goes into a coma. When she wakes up 7 months later, she’s startled and confused.

‘What happened?’ She says to the nurse

Nurse goes ‘it’s okay, your safe. You were in a car accident!’

Lady replies ‘what about my babies?’

Nurse, ‘don’t worry, you’re brothers been l...

I made six figures last month.

But apparently Mattel wants to fire me because that's not enough Barbies

What does Tom Cruise and the month of February have in common?

They are both short

What month is the shortest of the year?

May, it only has three letters.

After nearly a month of trying, my wife finally told me that she is pregnant.

She has the worst stutter ever.

I got scolded on my birthday last month

Just because I went to the party in my birthday suit

TIL that I was born exactly 9 months after my Dad's 32nd birthday...

and my mom gives awful birthday gifts.

After months of scrimping and bargain-hunting, a woman begged her husband for more money. “Can’t you just give me an extra ten dollars so I can buy a roast?”

Her husband pulled a ten-dollar bill from his wallet and held it up to a mirror. “See the money in the mirror? That’s yours.”

He put it back in his wallet and said, “THIS is mine.”

The next evening when he got home, the dinner table was filled with steak, ham, a huge roast chicken, th...

A lady almost 9 months pregnant falls down some stairs and knocks herself out...

When she wakes up, she is in a hospital bed.

Doctor: "We had to deliver your fraternal twins while you slept, but they are completely healthy. Also, your brother stopped by and named them for you"

New Mother: "My brother named them? But he's an idiot! What are their names?"
...

My doctor gave me three months to live

When I told him I wouldn't be able to come up with the money to pay the bill by then, he gave me three more.

I haven't worn clothes for 12 months.

I'm on a 1 year streak.

I almost got fired last month because the word got out that I was intolerant...

I had to explain all about lactose to the Human Resource department.

I don't understand my wife, once a month she loses her temper at me.

I think it's just a bloody ovaryaction.

I'm just okay during Pride Month.

But just wait until Sloth Month. Or Gluttony Month. That's my time to shine.

Pride month should really be moved to August...

Because pride cometh before the Fall

"Happy Pride Month!" said Jacob . . . .

. . . half in Ernest.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife wants sex 3 times a month but I want sex 10 times a month.

So we compromised and have sex 3 times a month.

Samuel L. Jackson was sitting at the breakfast table with his wife and 10 month old son...

His toddler starts to make some noises then very clearly says, "mother".

Sam excitedly yells, "Oh my God, honey, he just said half a word!"

Why does Peter Parker only have eleven months on his calendar?

Because he lost May.

What did August say when June claimed that today is the last day of the month?

Don't July to me!

AskReddit is 16 years old next month ...

Typical teenager, it has an answer for everything.

September is Alzheimer's Awareness Month

Never forget...

Why was Adele's phone bill $500 this month?

She must have called a 1,000 times

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What was Hitler's least favourite month?

Jew-ne

How many months have 28 days?

>!All of them!<

In 12 months, my startup has gone from $0 in monthly revenue to 8-figures in monthly revenue.

Here's how we did it:

August 2021: $0

August 2022: $0.0000000

Two major banks from Mexico and America are merging next month

They're calling the new company CapitalJuan

A sailor reported for duty on a ship set to spend months at sea.

On the first day the captain takes the new recruit on a tour of the ship.
He shows him the engine room, the helm, the quarters taking him all over the ship. They end the tour in the captain's office where the captain closes the door behind him and tells the sailor "Oh and one more thing, Seeing a...

I will pay a person $5 000 a month to take care of my worries.

- How are you going to get the $5 000 a month to pay them?
- That is for them to worry about.

TIL the lead singer of Chumbawumba is married to a champion breakdancer. She had to give up dancing when she fell pregnant but, only three months after giving birth, successfully defended her title at the World Championship.

She got knocked up, but she got down again.

I haven't talked to my wife for 18 months

I don't like to interrupt her.

I will die in a month

but don't know in which one.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Split up with my lying, cheating, thieving girlfriend last month and it's been nothing but Happy Days since.

The bitch took all my other box-sets.

Researchers have found that men complain less in the month of February.

Because it only has 28 days.

Why is Pride month in the summer, rather than during the autumn season?

Because the Pride comes before the fall.

I lost 50 pounds in the past month

Investing money in the London stock market wasn't a good idea.

My landlord doubled my rent. I’m going to give up drinking for a month.

Sorry I missed punctuation there.

I’m going to give up, drinking for a month.

I invited my girlfriend of 3 months to a party for my 13 year old nephew. She let out an audible "awww," told me how sweet I was and that my invitation meant the world to her.

Should've seen the look on her face when I told her it was a search party.

Last month, I had my left hand and left leg amputated because of an accident…

but I’m now recovering, I’m all right now.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Donald Trump said, "I declare April as Sexual Assault Awareness month."

His aide said, "So what do think are some good ways to prevent it?"

Trump replied, "Prevent it?"

She had a great month

There’s something wrong with this statement.
There has to be a period at the end.

Two men and a woman are stranded on an island after a plane crash...

... Resourceful, they waste no time, build a house, find food and water, and globally have it good. After one month, the woman goes to the two men and says:


"Okay guys, let's be frank. I have my needs, you have your needs, let's do it. We'll take turns, one day it's you", she says to th...

I’m always getting run over by the same bike, same day every month, same place, month after month...

It's a seriously vicious cycle.

I complained about the temperature at work for a month...

And then one day a maintenance person showed me where the thermostat was and how to open it up, set temps, and diagnose basic issues... Told me not to set it below 70 for too long though or she'd lock me back out again. This work from home office staff is really rude.

Less than 1 month without a pope....

.....and we've already cured HIV.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Today i asked the hot girl in my neighbourhood what are her Plans for next month

She said "fuck you". So i'm pretty excited for October

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

March is women’s history month.

It’s also bleeding disorder awareness month, and I think that’s kinda fucked up.

You have 3 months to spend 500 million dollars and get nothing in return, how do you do it?

Run for president.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy was in an elevator one day & noticed an attractive woman running to make it before the door closed.

He held the door for her to get in and then politely asked her “what floor?” “3rd floor” she replied, “ I come here once a month to donate blood & they pay me $50”
“That’s a coincidence” said the guy because I come here once a month myself, donate semen & they pay me $200”. Just then th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I've had constipation for 3 months

Never been to the doctors in years, but took myself there as not had a number 2 in a long time.

Doc says "what have you been eating"?

I said well doc I've been eating snooker balls!!

What?? Snooker balls Charlie??

Yes doc, in the morning I have 3 reds a pink, bowl porrid...

I joined gym 8 months ago

But still didn't lose any weight, may be i need to go there and ask them what's wrong.

When I was 16 my bestfriend got super mad at me once and wouldnt talk to me for nearly 4 months for smelling his sisters underwear.

Idk if it was because she was still wearing them or that there was a lot of people around us, but either way, it made the rest of the funeral super awkward

Anyone remember when a holiday somehow managed to impregnate a month!?

*Ya it looks like Christmas came in July!*

...





...yes I've not been invited to a party in years, why do you ask?

I'm still confused what Pride Month is all about...

I tried googling for it but couldn't get a straight answer.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

SUMMER CAMP FOR Husbands. Evening classes for men. Starting this month.

*Summer camp*

Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty of the content, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants each.

*Topic 1.*
How to fill ice-cube trays and why to fill water bottles before putting them back in the fridge.
Step by step with slide pre...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Man should ejaculate 21 times per month

Research says a man should ejaculate 21 times per month to reduce risk of developing prostate cancer.

It's June 2020 and I'm already done with August 2023

PRIDE Month is the best month for Goodwill

A lot of clothes are leaving the closet

What did Snow White complain after staying for a month with the dwarves?

"I'd rather have a 7 inch one time than one inch 7 times"

If Netflix ran the world, a year would only be 6 months...

Cause it would end after 2 seasons.

Three months have passed

Since I have subscribed to the gym membership and I didn't lose a single pound. I might have to go there in person to see what's happening.

A few months after his parents were divorced, little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom

and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!" Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times. One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her. Little Johnny ran into his room, took off...

I decided to celebrate pride month but I got confused.

What the hell am I going to do with 15 lions?

This woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months...

This woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.

One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me t...

Halloween was last month?

Feels like it was yesterday

A time traveller travelled 1 month into the future and opened r/Jokes

"Damn, I failed again"

Want to hear a story of a woman who goes crazy every month?

Period. End of story.

An elderly woman was very proud of her four-month-old grandson.....

so she took him with her down to Miami Beach. The first morning she got him all decked out, and down they went to the beach, where she set him by the shore to play. But no sooner had she sat down in her beach chair than a huge tidal wave rose up and swept the baby away.

“God,” she said, stand...

Employee of the month

When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn't hire stupid people.

My friend got jailed 6 months for pulling 4 people out of a burning building.

Turns out they were firefighters.

The nintendo 64 turned 18 last month

Which means you can now legally blow the cartridges

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.