UPJOKE
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7 Jokes

6 was scared of 7 because 7,8,9 but why did 7 eat 9?

Because you are supposed to eat 3 squared meals per day

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A 7 year old & 4 year old are in their bedroom. “You know what” says 7 year old “I think its time we started swearing…

A 7 year old & 4 year old are in their bedroom. "You know what" says 7 year old
"I think its time we started swearing.
When we go downstairs for breakfast I'lI swear first then you".
"OK" says 4 year old.
Mum asks 7 yr old what he wants for breakfast. "I'II have Coco pops, bitch"....

Why was 6 afraid of 7?

6 never did trust 7. Sure, they worked closely together, but 7 always seemed at odds with him. 6 always preferred the company of 4, a perfect 10 of a duo, even though 2 kept them apart.
But when it came to 7? 6 always summed it up to bad luck. Then, 6 found the truth.
6 respected 9, even thoug...

What do Donald Trump & the iPhone 7 have in common?

They both think de-porting is the answer when there's no more Jobs.

If you take the first two letters of the title of each the 7 Harry Potter books, it spells out a secret message

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Why was Yoda afraid of 7

Because 9 7 8

2+2+2=7

Teacher: If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny: Seven, Sir.

Teacher: No, listen carefully... If I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny: Seven, Sir.

Teacher: Let me put it to...

My girlfriend is like an iPhone 7.

I wish I had an iPhone 7.

I got in a fight with 3, 5, 7, and 9.

The odds were against me!

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A 7-year-old is sitting on a park bench eating a chocolate bar.

The man sitting next to him looks over and says, "Eating that many chocolate bars is bad for you."

The boy looks over and responds, "My great grandfather lived to be one hundred and five".

The man replies, "And he ate that much chocolate?"

"No" says the boy, "But he minded his o...

A gorilla visits a pub and orders a pint of beer. 'That'll be £7.00' says the barman

The gorilla pays and the barman says 'We don't get many gorillas in the pub' the gorilla replies ' I'm not surprised at these prices'

A guy goes to confession and tells the priest that he committed all 7 deadly sins in one day.

He says "I was trying to get money together for the perfect house and someone bought it first. I got so angry and envious that I disguised myself as the utilities man and went over while he was at work. I seduced his wife and when she was showering I stole all the cash and jewelry I could find. Then...

As told to me by my 7 YO son this morning...

Him: What's a pirates favorite letter?
Me: ARRRGH!
Him: You would think it would be ARRRGH but my first love be the "C"!

6 was afraid of 7 because 789. But why did 7 eat 9?

Because he needed 3² meals a day.

My 7 year old son came in from school today and asked me:

"Dad, what kind of mouse can walk on 2 legs?"

"Erm, I don't know" I replied

"Mickey Mouse" he replied laughing

"Dad, what kind of duck can walk on 2 legs"

"Donald Duck" I replied

"No, all ducks you idiot"

Why do teenagers always travel in groups of 3, 5, or 7?

Because they can’t even.

My 7 yr old just made this one up: What do you say when a dinosaur farts?

That was a blast from the past!

Why were the star wars movies released 4,5,6,1,2,3,7,8

In charge of planning Yoda was

I was sitting at the bar arranging peanuts into piles of 1, 3, 5 and 7.

The bartender asked me if I was trying to set up some odd joke. I told him “No, but I would have done that in my prime.”

Letter from 7 to 6

Dear 6,

Please stop spreading rumors about me eating 9. You shouldn't be talking. I hear you two do some pretty nasty things together.

Sincerely,
7

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Why was 6 afraid of 7?

Because 7 needs a shit load of adapters to work

REMINDER: If you have promised your SO that you will love them 24/7

Today is 24/7

A man wakes up and looks at his clock. It is 7:07 am.

He gets out of bed, goes downstairs and glances at his calendar. It says it is July 7, the seventh day of the seventh month.
As he steps outside he notices Bus #7 going by. He walks to a coffee shop and orders a coffee and a bite to eat and the bill comes to $7.77.

The man thinks "hmm...

a man takes his 7-year-old daughter to visit a castle...

while they are visiting the castle, they come accross some stairs that lead to another floor. since the castle is filled of history and authenticity, the man, amazed by the castle, tells his daughter: "can you believe that a long time ago, the king, ministers and other important people used to take ...

Everyone knows why 6 was afraid of 7, but do you know why 10 was scared?

10 was in the middle of 9 11.

This morning at about 7:45, I was in a long line at a grocery store that opens at 8:00 for senior citizens only.

A young man came from the parking lot and tried to cut in at the front of the line, but an old lady beat him back into the parking lot with her cane.

He returned and tried to cut in again but an old man punched him in the gut, then kicked him to the ground and rolled him away.

As he ap...

A man walks in a bar and says: 'I'd like 7 double wiskeys, please.'

The bartender nods and starts pouring 7 glasses of wiskey.

As soon as the first glass is ready the man starts chugging, one glass after another.

The bartender, dumbfounded, asks the man: 'Why are you drinking so fast?'

The man awnsers: 'well, you would do the same as me, if you ...

My 7 year old son came up with this please be kind.

Why did the icecream have an umbrella?... because there were to many sprinkles!

This was an actual conversation that took place between my wife and my 7 yr old son just now.

My wife has been teaching my son to fold his own laundry but he complains about it everytime. My wife, trying to convince my son, said to him "If you pick up this habit, your future wife will love you very much."

My son replied "I don't want my future wife to love me very much. I want my futu...

From my 7 year-old son: What rhymes with 'boo' and really stinks?

You.

Why I oughta...!

Accordion to a recent survey, 7 out of 10 people don't notice when a word in a sentence is replaced

by a musical instrument.

A joke I remember making up when I was 7 : What do you get when a giant steps on a house?

Mushrooms

My 7 year old nephew showed me with pride the "telephone" he had just made from a string and two tin cans...

I pulled out my iPhone and said, "That's nice, but look at what kids your age make in China!"

My 7 Year Old Cousin just told me this

yo mamas so fat when she fell down no one was laughing but the ground was cracking up

What's 7 inches long and hasn't been sucked in over 2 years?

Whitney Houston's crack pipe.

I asked my math teacher why 6 was afraid of 7.

She replied, “Approximately 0.3583679495453”.

I stared at her, confused. Seeing my confusion, she added, “You know, cos (789)”

What kind of monkey only stands 7 inches tall?

Macaque.

The Robinhood app has a rating of 4.7 stars in the app store.

But current market conditions prevent us from allowing investors to add new stars. You may only remove stars until conditions improve.

From my 7-year-old: What room are zombies not allowed in?

The living room.

Told by a 7 year old boy: How do you drop on an egg on a concrete floor without cracking it.

Concrete floors are really hard to crack.

Then he said "you were thinking about the egg weren't you!"

I tried to teach my kid to count to ten but he just says “1, 3, 5, 7, 9”

He literally can’t even

Why was 6 afraid of 7?

Because 7 didn't have a removable battery and blew up in everybody's pocket

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A 7 year old goes to a brothel...

and slaps a $10 dollar bill on the counter and says, "Give me a hooker!"

The madame, looked amused and says, "Get lost kid."

The kid then slaps a $50 on the counter and says, "Give me a hooker!!"

The madame raises an eyebrow, but before she could say anything the kid slaps a $...

I’m working 25/7

To come up with jokes about daylight savings time.

Game 7

It's Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right at center ice. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there. "No" says the neighbor. "The seat is empty." "This is incredible," said the ...

Why did the Muslim take his Note 7 onto an airplane?

Do I really have to answer that? Who doesn't bring their phone with them when they travel?

Have you guys seen the new image from James Webb telescope yet? I heard it looks back in time like 13.7 billion years...

...and it still can't see the last time you got laid.

An original joke from my 7 year old daughter

Did you hear the joke about the piece of paper?

Don’t worry about it, it’s tearable!


{I’m sure someone in history has used this pun, but I was pretty impressed with her effort!}

What do women call men who are shorter than 5'7"?

Friends

Star Wars Episode 7-9 Titles Revealed

Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens

Star Wars Episode VIII: The Force Sleeps For Five More Minutes

Star Wars Episode IX: The Force Is Late For Work

Break a mirror, 7 years of bad luck.

Break a condom, your bad luck will probably outlive you.

Why couldn’t Yoda work out that |7| = 7?

Because only a Sith deals in absolutes.

It's now 7 months since I joined the gym and nothing has changed.

Maybe it's time I go there personally and find out what's wrong.

How do you make 7 even?

By removing the S.

My 7 year old nephew told this joke to my sister : what's the first thing you do after waking up and the last thing you do before going to bed?

Nephew: Brushing your teeth!

Mom: oh honey that's not a joke.

Nephew: it is if you think that's what I do!

Guys I just recently bought a 256GB iPhone 7 Plus, my son dropped it and the screen shattered. Anyways I'm doing a giveaway!

The kid is 8 years old, cute, thin and not really tall.

7

I had this strange dream the other night, July 7th to be exact. I was alone in this wide open field, and on this field was a large number seven. This confused me, and woke me up, I looked at the clock and sure enough it was seven o’clock. I thought this was strange but didn’t think too much into it,...

6 is afraid of 7 because 7 ate 9but I don’t think they should be scared

I heard that 10 is next

I asked 7 famous supermodels “what is the key to a guy getting your attention?” And they all said the same thing.

“Who are you and what are you doing in my house?”

For a change of pace, here's a limerick; "( (12 + 144 + 20 + 3 Sqrt[4]) / 7 ) + 5*11 = 9^2 + 0"

Sorry, did that not make any sense?

How about -

>"A dozen, a gross, and a score,
>
>plus three times the square root of four,
>
>divided by seven,
>
>plus five times eleven,
>
>is nine squared and not a bit more."

Knock-knock joke told to me by a 7 year old kid:

Knock-knock

Who's there?

Doris

Doris who?

Doris locked that's why I'm knocking!

Why was 7 afraid of π?

Let's be real, his fear was irrational.

Just another branch in the 7 ate 9 joke multiverse.

My wife and I have been happily married for 7 years.

And today happens to be our 10th Anniversary!

My 7 year old daughter drops this joke on me.

What kind of bee's make milk?


Boo-bee's

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A Brazilian and a German sit at a bar. The Brazilian says: “You crushed us 7:1 at the World Cup, let’s not talk about soccer, ok?”

Ger: No problem. So what do you wanna talk about? Sex?

Bra: Yeah sure.

Ger: Man, did we fuck you.

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Man arrives home at 7 a.m, with a heavy stench of whisky.

Wife: You bastard! I hope you have a damn good reason for coming home at 7 in the morning.

Husband: Of course I do.

Wife: Do tell!

Husband: Breakfast.

Why was 6 afraid of 7?

Since seven was a child, he has always been a prime number. He excelled at everything he did, but he was kind of odd. Seven was very vengeful and quick to anger. Even though he was popular and well praised, he couldn't stand the sight of six, who was well rounded and has a good circle of tight frien...

How many GoT plot writers does it take to change a light bulb?

Only two, but they'll wait 6 or 7 seasons before screwing it up.

I was shocked to read this. Statistically 6 out of 7 dwarves

aren't Happy

Why were the star wars movies released 4, 5, 6, 1, 2, 3, 7, 8?

In charge of planning Yoda was.

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The coach grimaced as he watched his young ice hockey team. At one point during the game, he called one of his 7-year-old players aside and asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?" The little boy nodded affirmatively...

"Do you understand that what matters is not whether we win or lose, but how we play together as a team?"

The little boy nodded once more.

"So..." the coach continued. "I'm sure you know that when a penalty is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the referee, or call him a pecker-...

If Billy has 7 heads of lettuce and 3 friends...

.... he can give each of them 2 heads of lettuce with a romaine-der of 1.

My daughter learned to count!

My daughter woke me around 11:50 last night. My wife and I had picked her up from her friend Sally's birthday party, brought her home, and put her to bed. My wife went into the bedroom to read while I fell asleep watching the Braves game.

"Daddy," she whispered, tugging my shirt sleeve. "Gues...

Why was 7 afraid of i?

Nobody knows for sure, but everyone agrees his fear is only imaginary

A man is praying to God and asks "God, how is it you created all this in 7 days?"

God replied, "well, you see time is different for you and me. A million years in human time is only a second in time for me. I created everything in 7 days my time, not yours, so the time frame is much greater than interpreted."

"Oh my God, that is ncredible!" the man exclaimed. "So what, lik...

A good friend of mine has been fired for a minor indiscretion after 7 years of medical school.

He slept with one of his patients and can no longer work in the profession.

What a waste of time, money, and effort. He's still paying back his college loans. Just goes to show that one tiny mistake can ruin your life. My thoughts to him and his family.

He really is a good man, and a b...

Do you know why Indian bakeries are open 24/7?

Because they bake naan stop.

Pitbull saves family from house fire, pulls 7-month-old girl by her diaper

Good to know he's doing more than just music these days.

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A 7 year old and a 5 year old are upstairs in their bedroom

'You know what?' says the 7 year old, 'I think it's about time we started swearing.'

The 5 year old nods his head in approval, so the 7 year old says,

'When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna swear first, then you swear after me, ok?'

'Ok' the 5 year old, agrees with enth...

I have a Muslim friend with a Note 7...

It only gets awkward when he shouts "Allahu Akbar" when plugging it in.

Arnold Schwarzenegger was asked if he wanted to upgrade to Windows 7..

His response was "I still love Vista, baby!"

Very proud to have just finished my 7th Marathon in 7 days

Or Snickers as they are now called

Why did the mathematician buy a 7-11?

Because it was prime real estate

Lucky Number 7

I had a vivid dream of the number 7, just a giant 7... and when I woke up, it was 7:00... so I get up and decide to go to the track, because I like to play the ponies.. and I get a cab, and the cab pulls up, and it’s number 7... so I get to the track and I ask what I owe, and it was $7.77... I go in...

A 7 year old kid happily asks him mum

Kid: Mummy, why am I getting my Christmas present on 18th August?

Mum: Because it's cheaper than chemotherapy, son.

Courtesy of my 7 year old - What happens if you don't eat a balanced diet?

You will tip over

Taco Bell is like a 7-Eleven

You go there for food and get gas.

From my 7 y/o

What do you call a bunch of hairdressers having a party?


A Barber-cue

After 7 years of marriage I figured this out that....

... it's all "psychological".

There is one psycho and there's one logical.

Why do teenage girls only hang out in 3’s, 5’s, 7’s, etc.?

Because they can’t even

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7 hilarious jokes

A guy meets a sex worker in a bar. She says, ‘This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for £300 as long as you can say it in three words.’ The guy replies, ‘Hey, why not?’ He pulls his wallet out of his pocket and lays £300 on the bar, and says ...

Davinath the Indian wife beater punches his wife every night at 7 PM.

On the dot.

What has 7 arms and sucks?

Def leppard

My friend graduated from medical school after 7 years.

He then got a job at his local clinic, but shortly got fired after that for sleeping with his patients!

He was one of the most promising veterinarians in our class

What's the saddest part of Paul Walker being CGI in Fast 7?

Realizing they should have used CGI the whole time

An iPhone 7 walks into a bar ...

I'll have a Jack please!

Wife told me she slept with 7 people before we met.

I wouldn't mind, but I was only 20 minutes late.

I haven’t talked to my wife in 7 years.

I just don’t want to interrupt her.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman, her 7 years old and a Taxi driver.

A woman and her 7 years old son were inside a Taxi. It was raining and all the twilight girls were standing by the roadside.

The Boy asked; "Mummy, what are all those women doing?."

His Mother replied; "They are waiting for their husbands to come back from work."

The Taxi driver...

7 deadly sins

Eating too much cake is a sin of gluttony, but eating too much pie is okay because the sin of pi is always zero.

A bear walks into a 7/11 He gets a 12 pack and walks up to the clerk and says "I'll take these."

The clerk is stunned, so he heads to the back to speak with the owner. "Hey boss" he says, "there's a bear asking for a beer." The owner pauses for a second, then replies "Well then sell it to him, but charge him double. Bears don't know the price of beer." So the clerk heads back out front and sell...

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