1 Jokes - 123 Hilarious 1 Jokes

1=0

Cos 0=1

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I paid a homeless man $1 for this joke.

Two men crash into each other at an intersection. First man steps out of his wrecked car screaming:

"You son-of-a-bitch, you wrecked my Jag! I'm a lawyer, I'm going to sue you for everything you have!"

Other man responds, "You Lawyers only care about money, you don't even realize you j...

Dude 1: Hey, bro?

Dude 2: Yeah bro?
Dude 1: Can you pass me that pamphlet?
Dude 2: Brochure

First golf joke I’ve heard less than 1,000,000 times.

A Catholic, a Baptist and a Mormon are bragging about the size of their families.

"I have four boys, and my wife is expecting another," says the Catholic. "One more son, and I'll have a basketball team."

"That's nothing," says the Baptist. "I have 10 boys now, and my wife is pregnant w...

Where can you still get gas for $1.39?

Taco Bell

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2 Girls, 1 Cup isn't for everyone.

But some people eat that shit up.

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A night out with 1$ [NSFW ?]

Two men only have a dollar for their night out and they want to get wasted.

So they go into a night shop and buy a sausage. The first bar they go in they order 2 beers each.

When they decide to leave, one takes out the sausage and places it between his legs. The other bends over and ...

As part of the merger, the PGA will control holes 1-8 and 12-18.

The Saudis do 9-11.

If I won $1.28B, I’d give a quarter of it to charity.

Not sure what I’d do with the other $1,279,999,999.75 though.

Astronaut 1: "I can't find any milk for my coffee"

Astronaut 2: "In space no-one can. Here, use cream"

Chinese takeout $15.00, gas to get there $1.50

Getting home to find they’ve forgotten one of your dishes.

Riceless.

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My German girlfriend likes to rate our sex between 1-10.

Last night we tried anal, she kept shouting 9!

That's the best I've done so far.

I saw a homeless dude and gave him 1$

I saw a homeless woman and gave her 0.77$

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Statistics show that 1 in 5 men in a friend group are actually gay…

I hope it’s Kevin, he’s cute

What do you call someone with both Type 1 and Type 2 Diabetes

Ambidextrose

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1 dollar for dirty joke

I was in Venice Beach in January and there was a homeless man with a sign that said “1 dollar for dirty joke.” Seemed like a good investment to me so I gladly handed over a dollar.

Homeless man: “Alright sir whats your name?

Me: “asstasticbum”

Homeless man: “So asstasticbum, the...

My father told me that I'm in the 1%

He also mentioned that condoms work 99% of the time.

Call a girl beautiful 1,000 times and she won't think twice...

Call a girl fat once and she'll always remember.

Because elephants never forget

When Trump borrows $1,000,000 from his dad it's a small loan

But when he donates that much money to Texas, it's a yuuuge contribution

A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday

Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?

I froze myself to -273.1°C

..my friends and family are worried, but I'll be 0K

I built a 1:1000000 model of a German submarine.

It’s a pretty good µ-boat.

My Math teacher told me 0! = 1

But my computer teacher told me 0 != 1

CHEESEBURGER: $1.50 CHICKEN SANDWICH: $2.50 HAND JOB: $10.00

A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar that reads: CHEESEBURGER: $1.50 CHICKEN SANDWICH: $2.50 HAND JOB: $10.00 He walks up to the bar and beckons one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks. "Can I help you?" she asks. "I was wondering," whispers the man....

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Which is the number 1 cereal brand in Asgard?

Bifrosties

*holy shit almost crapped my pants with excitement when I came up with this. GF not as excited, I'm counting on you guys

[At the scene of the murder] Cop 1: This seems racially motivated.

Cop 2: Hate crime?

Cop 1: Of course I hate crime, moron. That’s why I’m a cop.

Statistics say that 1 out of 3 people in a relationship is unfaithful.

I just need to work out if that's my wife or my girlfriend

I got into a fight with 1,3,5,7 and 9.

The odds were against me

Is the glass 1/2 empty or 1/2 full?

Optimist: The glass is half full
Pessimist: The glass is half empty
Excel: The glass is January 2nd

It is unfair how for every $1 a man makes, a woman makes $0.78...

Because then the man is left with only $0.22...

EDIT: Wow, this blew up on my way home.

Yes, this joke is from Bo Burnham as others have so nicely pointed out. Check out his work; he is a comedic genius.

A blonde pays $1,000,000 to use a stadium to prove blondes are smart.

She fills the stadium with 80,000 other blondes and calls one up to prove, on live TV, that blondes are smart. She starts simply with a math question.
“What’s twenty plus three?” She asks the young volunteer. The little blonde thinks and timidly whispers into the mic “nine?” Soon a chorus of 80,...

I can't remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6 and 500 in Roman numerals

I M LIVID

What has 4 legs and 1 arm?

A happy pitbull

Why did the Star Wars movies come out in the order 4 5 6 1 2 3?

In charge of the sequence, Yoda was.

I was sitting at the bar arranging peanuts into piles of 1, 3, 5 and 7.

The bartender asked me if I was trying to set up some odd joke. I told him “No, but I would have done that in my prime.”

Today I saw an ad that said "radio for sale, $1, volume stuck on full."

I thought, "I can't turn that down."

A fat man sees a sign on a door: lose 1 pound for $1...

He puts a dollar in the slot and enters. There is a jogging track with a beautiful naked woman wearing jogging shoes. "Better start running" she says, beckoning him. Excited, he chases her around the track for an hour. Finally he catches her, she... ahem... rewards him... then he steps on the scale....

Wife: Suppose you hit jackpot of 1 million dollars in a lottery...

Wife: Suppose you hit jackpot of 1 million dollars in a lottery and the same day, someone kidnaps me and demands ransom of 1 million dollars. What will you do?

Husband: I doubt if I can hit two jackpots in one day!

Just woke up from a dream about Roman numerals 5, 4, 1, and 500.

It was VIVID.

About 1,375 olives are pressed in order to make 1 liter of olive oil, 8,435 sunflower seeds to make a liter of sunflower oil...

Don't even get me started on baby oil

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My girlfriend and I began having sex at 1:58AM this morning and didn't stop until 3:01AM.

Thanks daylight savings!

Do you remember when air was free at the gas station, and now it's $1.50? You know why?

Inflation

Holy smokes this blew up, THANK YOU all for the awards and the silver!!

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Kid 1: "Hey, I bet you're still a virgin."

Kid 2: "Yeah, I was a virgin until last night ."

Kid 1: "As if."

Kid 2: "Yeah, just ask your sister."

Kid 1: "I don't have a sister."

Kid 2: "You will in about nine months."

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I saw a homeless man with a sign that read “$1 for a dirty joke”

Seemed like a good investment to me so I gladly handed over a dollar.

Homeless man: “Look there, you can see a Rooster right? How many legs does it have?"

Me: “Two?”

Homeless man: “Correct, now how many wings does this Rooster have?”

Me: “Two?”

Homeless man: “Right...

When does 1+1=3?

When you don't use a condom.

What do you call an Irish gunslinger who can kill 5 men with 1 bullet?

Rick O'shea

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Student 1: My name is Tom Archer because my ancestors were making bows and arrows.

Student 2: My name is Sam Baker because my forefathers were bakers.

Student 3: My name is John Dickinson, and I hate this game.

I saw a TV for sale for 1$

I saw that the TV was in very good condition.

"Why is it so cheap? " I asked the seller

"The volume is stuck at max, and it can't be turned down" he replied

"So everything else works?" I asked

He turned it on, and sure enough everything worked, except the volume

...

I just hired a beautiful 21 year old girl to look after my 1 year old baby. Now I have two issues:

1. How to tell this to my wife

2. Where to find a 1 year old baby

If you were 1 when Red Red Wine was released

UB40

Donald Trump has decided to take just $1 as his salary for the job of the President instead of the usual 400,000.

That man would do just about anything to avoid paying the taxes.

On a scale of 1-100, how mature are you?

(Programmer) What did 0 say to 1?

You're a bit too much.

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A guy goes to the tatoo parlor and offers the tattoo artist $1,000 to put a $100 bill on his willie.

The artist agrees, but is curious and asks the man why he wants to do this.

The man replies, "I have my reasons which I would rather not tell right now."

So, the artist goes ahead and does the job. But, all the while he is anxious with curiosity over why this man wants a ...

All you need in life is 1 good friend

To delete your web browsing history after you die

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2 cowboys talking about sex. 1 cowboy says "I like the rodeo position !"

"I haven't heard of that ... " says the other cowboy, "what is it ?"
"Well get your girlfriend down on all fours and mount her from behind. Then reach round and cup both of her breasts and whisper "these feel just like your sisters" and try and hold on for 8 seconds !"

Rule #1 for learning english

Their our know rules!

Did you know that you can get a slice of lemon pie in cuba for $1.50 and in jamaica you can get key lime pie for $1.00?

Those are the pie rates of the carribean.

A Frenchman sees a poster in front of a bakery: Croissant €1. Handjob €5

He enters the shop and sees a gorgeous young lady behind the counter. He then asks:

"Mademoiselle, are you the one that delivers the handjobs?"

Very shy, the girl looks down, blushes and replies with a giggle:

"O-Oui monsieur, I am the one that gives the handjobs".

The F...

My chemistry teacher told me I had to write a 1,000 word essay on acid.

Unfortunately, my pen turned into a gorilla and the floor melted.

What do you call a 1 armed man who does karate?

Partial arts

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2 Smoking Grandmas & 1 Condom

Jane & Arlene are outside the nursing home, having a smoke. A storm blows in and starts sprinkling. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end and puts it over her cigarette and continues smoking.

Arlene: What the hell is that?

Jane: It's a condom. This way my cigarette don'...

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Interesting fact about myself: (1) my penis is not as long as a footlong sub

(2) I'm banned from Subway

Yo momma's so fat that objects 5 meters away accelerate at 1 m/s^2 toward her. What is yo momma's mass if G = 6.67x10^-11Nm^2/kg^2?

Please, someone help me, I can't solve it and it's making me nuts.

I tried to teach my kid to count to ten but he just says “1, 3, 5, 7, 9”

He literally can’t even

4 Norse god, 1 Roman god, and 2 astronomical bodies walk into a bar

The bartender says " Oh, this is a gonna be a week joke"

They say in every friend group there is 1 willing to commit murder

I killed the guy I suspected most before he could do any harm .

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A single sperm has 37.5 MB of information. A single ejaculation represents a data transfer of about 1,587 TB

That's a lot of information to swallow.

Person 1 says: I like Eminem

Person 2 says: Well, I prefer Skittles.
Person 1 says: No- I meant the rapper.
Person 2 says, confused: Why would you eat the wrapper?

In Jamaica you can get a steak and kidney pie for £1.75…

…a chicken and mushroom pie for £1.60 and an apple pie for £2.15.

In St Kitts and Nevis a steak and kidney pie will cost you £2, a chicken pie (without mushrooms) is £1.70 and a cherry pie can be yours for £1.95.

In Trinidad and Tobago, that steak and kidney pie comes in at £2.50, but ...

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[NSFW] I've been 1 week in college and already had five times the sex I had in 3 years of highschool.

5x0=0

Man 1: I have a half sister. Man 2: Different father?

Man 1: No, shark attack.

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A man deposits $1,000 cash into his bank account every day

The bank employees start getting a little suspicious and tell the manager about the customer. The manager tells them to let him know next time he makes a deposit. Surely enough, the next day, he comes with 1k in cash to deposit into his account. The tellers tell the man that the manager would like t...

1 out of 5 people suffer from loneliness.

So, if you look around and you don’t see the other 4 people, they’re out having fun without you.

Adam gave Sally 3 flowers and 1 stuffed animal. Kristen gave Sally 5 flowers and 2 stuffed animals. What does Sally have?

cancer.

A friend asked me if I knew anything about 1’s and 0’s

I told him I knew a bit

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When I was a younger lad I was blessed with an 8 1/2" penis

Unfortunately it belonged to father O'Malley

My wife says if this post gets 1,000+ upvotes then we can get freaky on my cake day.

Please don't, the handcuffs are bad enough, the whip and strap-on are huge!

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A guy driving along gets pulled over by a traffic cop for going 1 mph over the limit

The guy steps out of his car and the cop asks in a sarcastic tone why he his so important to be driving that fast.
The guy replies carefully that he is on his way to his next job. "Oh yeah " the cop replies " and what is that President?"
"No" the guy replies "I'm a rectum stretcher"
"O...

I walked into a store and noticed they were selling deer nuts for $1.25

Every other time I've seen them, they were under a buck.

Everyone is talking about how the inaugural attendance was 1/40 of what it was in 2009...

They don't understand how killer the commute from Moscow is.

1 and 2 went out for a walk in the snow.

1's hands got so cold that they went numb.

2's hands and feet both got cold, so he was even number.

Elon Announces X will charge Users $1 A Year

So Elon Musk has announced that X will charge users $1 a year. Certain people are in an uproar. What's the big deal? I'm paying my ex $898 a month.

I do apologize for the terrible joke, but Elon handed us all puns on a silver platter.

1 minute chuckle

At a hotel restaurant, a man sees an attractive woman sitting alone at the next table. Suddenly, she sneezes, and a glass eye comes flying out of her eye socket. It hurls by the man, and he snatches it from the air and hands it back
to her.

"This is so embarrassing," the woman says, and sh...

1‌‌974 R‌‌ussians a‌‌ccidentally b‌‌lew u‌‌p t‌‌heir o‌‌wn s‌‌ubmarine, t‌‌hinking i‌‌t w‌‌as a‌‌n e‌‌nemy

Oops, w‌‌rong s‌‌ub.

An American man wins a $1 billion sweepstakes

He goes to collect the prize and there's a whole tv crew waiting to interview him for the local news. The reporter says "this is the largest prize won in history! Any idea what you'll do with the money?" The man thinks for a second and says "Well, I'll probably see a doctor to get this sore throat l...

1+1=3

It does take about 9 months though

I wish I could be ugly for just 1 day

Because being ugly every day sucks... :(

A son was arguing with his dad, insisting that 1+1 equals 11

The father then looked at his son's eyes and said:

-Right, then go and buy 2 popsicles!

His son then goes and buys 2 popsicles.

Then, his dad said:

-Now give me one and the other to your brother!

Son asks:

-What about mine?

Father answers:

-You...

What's the NFL's No.1 Offense?

Domestic Violence.

$2.1 million worth of textbooks were stolen the other day

All eight books were recovered.

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2 Girls 1 Nerd

A kind of nerdy, loner-type guy finally builds up the courage to talk to two hot women. As he's walking up he's trying to think of something funny and interesting to say when he gets to them he blurts out "97% of women masturbate in the shower!" The two women look at him oddly but are intrigued an...

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1,2,3,4 I declare a thumb war...

...5,6,7,8 I use this hand to masturbate.

Russian Ruble is now worth less than 1 U.S. Cent after SWIFT Bank Sanctions

I think it's time we start calling the Ruble for what really is: Rubble

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Girl 1: Mother, why is my name Rose?

Mother: Because when you were just a precious little baby, a rose fell off a tree and onto your head.

Girl 2: But mother, why am I named Blossom?

Mother: Well my darling, same with you; a blossom blew from a tree and onto your head.

Girl 3: Mufaghh ma waafaa maaa?

Mother:...

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Doctor: "Unfortunately sir, you have only 1 week to live."

Man: "Doc, what on Earth are you saying?”, clearly shocked. “What can I do to live at least a little longer?"

Doc: "Well, do you eat greasy and fried food?"

Man: "Yes."

Doc: "You must stop!"

Man: "If it allows me to live longer, I'll do it!"

Doc: "Do you drink...

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I told my sister to come work for me at my porn company and that last year I made $1 million. She said that’s gross.

I said “no, that’s net.”

You're on vacation, and you've arrived at your hotel. The elevators in the lobby are numbered, from left to right, 1, 2, 3, 5, and 4.

Curious, you try to enter elevator 5, but are stopped by the bell boy.

"You can't use that elevator," he says.
"Why not?"
"It's out of order"

Option 1: Let’s eat grandma. Option 2: Let’s eat, grandma.

There you have it. Proof that punctuation saves lives.

1 in 6 people...

find Russian roulette mind blowing.

I bet my butcher $1,000 that he couldn't reach the beef on the top shelf without a ladder.

He said the steaks were too high.

If I got $1 every time a woman said I was't her type,

I'd be her type.

What starts with E, ends with E, and has only 1 letter in it?

Envelope

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Three friends were bragging about who has the most sex. The first guy starts, “Y'all ain't got nothing on me! I can go to any bar and bring home a new woman every night! Not only that, but I drive a corvette and have an 8 inch penis! I've slept with more than 1,000 women!”

Second guy fires back, “Oh yeah? Well I’m a top gynecologist at the highest rated hospital in the world. I make $800,000 a year, have patients and nurses who have sex with me every hour I’m at work. All the women compliment me on my 12 inch penis and I've slept with well over 5,000 women.”
...

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Pornhub promised to plant 1 tree for every 100 views. Guess what I will do.

I will single handedly save the plant.

What is 1 advantage of having poor memory?

You find all jokes on r/jokes funny.

Here’s 2 jokes: What do you call a woman with 1 arm and 1 leg?

Eileen

What do you call a man with no shins?

Neil

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Door # 1, 2 or 3

He went to Hell and expected to be greeted by Satan himself, when an apprentice approached him, saying, "Welcome to Hell =] !!" When he asked about seeing the boss, was told in due time but now he would have to choose one of three doors/rooms where within to spend eternity...

He asked if he c...

Man 1: I heard you had an accident at the pottery studio yesterday. Did you spill glaze all over a woman?

Man 2: Glazed her? Damn near kilned her.

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A gas station owner in Arkansas was trying to increase his sales, so he put up a sign that read: * "FREE SEX w/fill-up ... just guess the right number between 1 & 10.” *

Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank, and asked for his FREE SEX.
The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his FREE SEX.
The redneck guessed ‘8’. The proprietor said, "You were close. The number was ‘7’. Sorry, but no FREE SEX thi...

Back in my day I went to the store with only $1 and came back with 2 bags of chips, 1 carton of milk, and 3 boxes of chocolate

Now they have cameras

In other places, a suitable partner is judged on a 1-10 hotness scale.

In Alabama, they use relative humidity.

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2 Texas Guys 1 Choking Woman

Two men from Texas were sitting at a bar when a young lady nearby began to choke on a hamburger. She gasped and gagged.

One Texan turned to the other and said “That little gal is havin’ a bad time. I’m gonna go over there and help.”

He ran over to the young lady, held both sides of her...

An engineer who was unemployed for a long time decided to open a medical clinic. He puts a sign outside the clinic: "A cure for your ailment guaranteed at $500; we'll pay you $1,000 if we fail."

A Doctor thinks this is a good opportunity to earn $1,000 and goes to his clinic.

Doctor: "I have lost my sense of taste."

Engineer: "Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."

Doctor: "This is Gasoline!"

Engineer: "Congratulatio...

If there are 502 bricks in a plane and 1 falls off, how many are left?

>!501.!<

How do you put an elephant in a fridge?

>!You open the door, put the elephant in, and close the door.!<

How do you put a giraffe in the fridge?

>!You open the door, take the elephant out, put the giraffe in, and close the door.!<

So, the ...

I watched a soccer game that ended in a 1-1 draw...

No 1-1

Who always says his name 1½ times?

James Bond.

Calling 9-1-1

A guy walks into a bar after a long day of work to relax and have a beer. Unfortunately there is a big group of young men crowded into the bar laughing loudly and carrying on. Finally, in exasperation, the guy calls 9-1-1. "Hello, 911, what is your emergency?" the dispatcher asks. "These men won’t ...

Counterfeit $1 bills reportedly found in circulation

Be on the lookout for hot singles in your area.

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Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest

A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"

"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you ...

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They say a sneeze is equal to 1/16th of an orgasm

If that’s true, it horrifies me to imagine the sound my father makes when he nuts

(√-1) (2^3) (Σπ)

And it was delicious

I've got a friend whose 1/2 Indian.

Ian.

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