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A guy goes to the tatoo parlor and offers the tattoo artist $1,000 to put a $100 bill on his willie.

The artist agrees, but is curious and asks the man why he wants to do this.


The man replies, "I have my reasons which I would rather not tell right now."


So, the artist goes ahead and does the job. But, all the while he is anxious with curiosity over why this man wants a ...

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A gas station owner in Arkansas was trying to increase his sales, so he put up a sign that read: *** "FREE SEX w/fill-up ... just guess the right number between 1 & 10.” ***

Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank, and asked for his FREE SEX.
The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his FREE SEX.
The redneck guessed ‘8’. The proprietor said, "You were close. The number was ‘7’. Sorry, but no FREE SEX thi...

They say in every friend group there is 1 willing to commit murder

I killed the guy I suspected most before he could do any harm .

My chemistry teacher told me I had to write a 1,000 word essay on acid.

Unfortunately, my pen turned into a gorilla and the floor melted.

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Three friends were bragging about who has the most sex The first guy starts, “Y'all ain't got nothing on me! I can go to any bar and bring home a new woman every night! Not only that, but I drive a corvette and have an 8 inch penis! I've slept with more than 1,000 women!”

Second guy fires back, “Oh yeah? Well I’m a top gynecologist at the highest rated hospital in the world. I make $800,000 a year, have patients and nurses who have sex with me every hour I’m at work. All the women compliment me on my 12 inch penis and I've slept with well over 5,000 women.”

La...

I can’t remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6, and 500 as Roman numerals!

IM LIVID

Bubba and Billy Joe were on vacation, walking downtown, window shopping, and they see a sign on a store which reads, "Suits $5.99 each, shirts $1.99 each, trousers $2.49 each.

Bubba says to his pal, "Billy Joe, Lookee here! We could buy a whole gob o’ these, take ‘em back to Georgia, sell 'em and make a fortune. Just let me do the talkin', 'cause if they hear your accent, they might think we're ignorant, and not wanna sell that stuff to us.”

Now, I'll talk in a slo...

Man 1: I have a half sister. Man 2: Different father?

Man 1: No, shark attack.

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I saw a homeless man with a sign that read “$1 for a dirty joke”

Seemed like a good investment to me so I gladly handed over a dollar.

Homeless man: “Look there, you can see a Rooster right? How many legs does it have?"

Me: “Two?”

Homeless man: “Correct, now how many wings does this Rooster have?”

Me: “Two?”

Homeless man: “Right...

An apple pie in Jamaica cost $2 and in Barbados its $1.90

Those are the pie rates of the Caribbean

I saw 4 guys beating up 1 guy so i stopped to help...

He had no chance against all 5 of us.

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At a university for wizards, an undergrad was having a big week. He had just learned his first spell. Freeze, Level 1.

Turns out he was a natural. By the second day, he could freeze his classmates for ten seconds. When Friday came, the professor declared he was ready for the final project: to freeze people in public.

Over the weekend, he went looking for a place to cast. He needed somewhere with a lot of peop...

Why were Star Wars episodes 4,5,6 released before 1,2,3?

Because in charge of planning, Yoda was.

Can you believe that ! My neighbour knocked on my door at 1:30am this morning.

Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

Why did the man use π for a pain scale from 1-10?

Because it was low level, but never ending!

I injured myself playing with my 1-year-old

I've been admitted to the Peekaboo ICU

Duck #1: "Quack."

Duck #2: "Quack."

Duck #3: "Quack, Quack."

Duck #1 takes out a gun and shoots Duck #3.

Duck #2: "Why did you shoot him?"

Duck #1: "He knew too much."

If I rated my love for you from 1-10 it’d be pi

Because it is both infinite, and not that much.

Did you know that 1 in every 3 people experience Alzheimer's at some point in their life?

By the way, Did you know that 1 in every 3 people experience Alzheimer's at some point in their life?

A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday

Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?

The Italians set up two telecommunications networks. They called them Data-1, and..









...Dissa-1

Person 1 says: I like Eminem

Person 2 says: Well, I prefer Skittles.
Person 1 says: No- I meant the rapper.
Person 2 says, confused: Why would you eat the wrapper?

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I asked a girl if I guess the number she has in her mind, she has to kiss me. So I told to her to think of a number between 1 and 3

*After she choosing a number in her mind*

Me: It's 2, isn't it?

She: No.

Me: then which fucking number is it?

She: 2.5.

I won 1 Million in a lottery and decided to donate a quater to charity

Now I have $999,999.75

1 in 6 people...

find Russian roulette mind blowing.

What is the difference between falling from 10 storey building and 1 storey house?

10 storey building: "AAAAAAAAAAA" *BAM*

House: *BAM* "AAAAAAAAAAAAA"

What does your long-distance girlfriend who you met on vacation have in common with the square root of -1?

They both are imaginary.

1 stolen jokes an accident

1 stolen jokes an accident, 2 stolen jokes a coincidence and thousands of stolen jokes is r/jokes

Dude 1 : Hey, Bro? Dude 2 : Yeah Bro? Dude 1 : Can you pass me that pamphlet?

Dude 2 : Brochure

Just made this up: whats the no.1 movie for fish at the moment?

JAMES POND. NO TIME TO FRY!

2 jokes in 1 post

What has 2 eyes and hundred teeth?

*A crocodile*


What has 2 teeth and hundred eyes?

*A bus filled with elderly*

what do you call 1/10th of a male cow?

A decibel

“What’s the square root of -1?”

Me: i-



Short but I like it

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Me and my friend getting high in my room. Friend: Did you know that your cum holds 1.5 TB of data per ejaculation?

Me: That's how I DDoS your mum bruh.

dad, can i have 1 crypto please?

what?

you want $5,47?

what you want to do with $17,56?

do you realize that $200,94 is alot of money?

here $7,32 for you

What’s is the #1 question asked after Brexit?

UK?

Son asks his father (a bitcoin miner) to give him 1 Bitcoin for birthday.

Father replies: "Son! 20485$ is much cash! Why do you even need 18572$? For 21568$ You can buy a good car!"

Soon commercial airlines will have pilotless flights with only 1 man and a dog on the flight deck

The man is there to feed the dog.

The dog is there to make sure the Man doesn’t touch anything.

Call a girl beautiful 1,000 times and she won’t think twice...

Call a girl fat once and she’ll always remember.


Because elephants never forget

My wife says if this post gets 1,000+ upvotes then we can get freaky on my cake day.

Please don't, the handcuffs are bad enough, the whip and strap-on are huge!

Did you hear that you can buy iron and carbon for the price of just 1 alloy?

What a steel!

What did the blonde do when she learned 1 in 8 women will get breast cancer?

She decided to only hang out in groups of 7 or fewer.

Doctor: How old are you on a scale of 1 to 8?

Kid: It stops at 8?

Doctor: It does for you.

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My dog is 1/2 golden retriever and 1/2 Cocker spaniel

I guess he is a cockretriever

Statistics show that 1 out of 3 people in a relationship are cheating.....

I just need to figure out if it's my wife or girlfriend

An engineer who was unemployed for a long time decided to open a medical clinic. He puts a sign outside the clinic: "A cure for your ailment guaranteed at $500; we'll pay you $1,000 if we fail."

A Doctor thinks this is a good opportunity to earn $1,000 and goes to his clinic.

Doctor: "I have lost my sense of taste."

Engineer: "Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."

Doctor: "This is Gasoline!"

Engineer: "Congratulatio...

I have 1,800 nuclear missiles, 283 battle ships, 9,400 planes.. I spend more on my military than the next 12 nations combined and despite spending more every year I still feel insecure...

I have a military-industrial complex.

Why does 1 equal 0?

cos 0 = 1

A blonde pays $1,000,000 to use a stadium to prove blondes are smart.

She fills the stadium with 80,000 other blondes and calls one up to prove, on live TV, that blondes are smart. She starts simply with a math question.
“What’s twenty plus three?” She asks the young volunteer. The little blonde thinks and timidly whispers into the mic “nine?” Soon a chorus of 80,...

They say 1 million monkeys with 1 million keyboards can produce the entire works of Shakespeare...

...Thanks to the internet we now know that's not true

What was the number 1 reason for requesting medical marijuana?

'I need it for my joints!'

Yo momma's so fat that objects 5 meters away accelerate at 1 m/s^2 toward her. What is yo momma's mass if G = 6.67x10^-11Nm^2/kg^2?

Please, someone help me, I can't solve it and it's making me nuts.

1. A friend is like a good bra.

They’re hard to find, supportive, comfortable, always lift you up, and always close to your heart!

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Cardboard is a lot like 1-ply toilet paper. It's not really good at absorbing,

But it's really good at moving shit around.

I just hired a beautiful 21 year old girl to look after my 1 year old baby. Now I have two issues:

1. How to tell this to my wife

2. Where to find a 1 year old baby

Master hacker sees some graffiti that says "x&1".

He says "Well thats odd."

The only cow in a small town in USA stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow from BC Canada for 1,000 dollars, or one from Alberta Canada for 800 dollars. Being poor, they bought the cow from Alberta. The cow was wonderful.

It produced lots of milk all the time, and the people were amazed and very happy. They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it. Then they would never have to worry about the milk supply again.

They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved...

Do you remember when air was free at the gas station, and now it's $1.50? You know why?

Inflation


Holy smokes this blew up, THANK YOU all for the awards and the silver!!

Teacher: "What's 1 minus 1?"

Johny: "1 minus 1?"

Teacher: "Yes. If you subtract one from one, what do you get?"

Johny: "One."

Teacher: "No, Johny, Try again."

Johny: "Two."

Teacher: "Ok, let's do it this way: if you have only one potato chip left in a frying pan and you take it out of the pan,...

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Would you suck a dick for $1,000,000?

Yea

But I don’t really have that kind of money

I got in a fight with 1 3 5 7 and 9

The odds were against me!

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A man was interviewing for a position with the CIA (Part 1)

He turns up to the interview and there are two other guys.

The first guy gets taken in for an interview and is asked: Who killed Jesus Christ? He replies "The Jews".

The second guy gets taken in and is asked the same thing, to which he replies "The Romans".

The third guy (our gu...

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A man sees a sign in front of a bar that states "Free Beer For 1 Year Inquire Inside"

The man goes inside and sits down at the bar, and asks the bartender about the sign he saw out front. The bartender informs him that all he has to do is complete 3 tasks, and the bar will give him free beer for one year. The man asked what the tasks were and the bartender responded. First you need t...

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My wife said if this post gets 1,000 likes, I can get Anal on my cake day

So please upvote because this house hasn’t been cleaned in months and I want it spotless!

Doctor Joke Number 1

Doctor what did you say i had? Aries or Pisces?

Cancer sir, you have Cancer.

Two doctors and 1 Pharmacy

A women goes to Pharmacy and when she is done getting her items the cashier asks if she wants to get a free covid shot but the women says "God will protect me from covid".

When the women gets home she gets a call from her doctor saying your qualified to come today to get your covid shot but t...

What's green and red, and spins at 1,000 RPM?

A frog in a blender.

Fellow 1 : "Now my grandfather, he knew the exact day of the year that he was going to die.

It was the right year too. Not only that, but he knew what time he would die that day, and he was right about that too."

Fellow 2 : "Wow, that's Incredible. How did he know all of that?"

Fellow 1 : "A judge told him."

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Student 1: My name is Tom Archer because my ancestors were making bows and arrows.

Student 2: My name is Sam Baker because my forefathers were bakers.


Student 3: My name is John Dickinson, and I hate this game.

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Today I saw an ad that said "radio for sale, $1, volume knob stuck on full."

I thought, "I can't turn that down."

What is 1.60 m high, has 22 legs and feigns death if you touch it?

The Italy national football team.

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In every friend group, apparently 1 out of 10 people are gay.

I hope it's Tyler, he's super cute.

Did you know, that if you shout 0 loud enough it becomes 1?

See: 0!

(Programmer) What did 0 say to 1?

You're a bit too much.

I was playing chess and my opponent opened with 1. Nf3.

I wasn't reti for that.

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2 Girls, 1 Cup isn't for everyone.

But some people eat that shit up.

Cop 1: This murder seems racially motivated.

Cop 2: Hate crime?

Cop 1: Of course I hate crime. That’s why I became a cop.

I recently discovered that 1 in 8 Americans is an alcoholic

I also discovered that 1 in 8 Americans actually suffers from the effects of alcoholism; the rest seem to have a pretty good time

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1, 2, 3,4 I declare a thumb war

5,6,7,8 I use this hand to masterbate.

Two facts about me, 1) When I die I have arranged for my remains to be spread around the Houses of Parliament.

2) I don't want to be cremated.

I was stuck driving behind a cement mixer for 1/2 an hour

It had a "Do not overtake turning vehicle" sign.

‌‌TIL i‌‌n 1‌‌974 R‌‌ussians a‌‌ccidentally b‌‌lew u‌‌p t‌‌heir o‌‌wn s‌‌ubmarine, t‌‌hinking i‌‌t w‌‌as a‌‌n e‌‌nemy

Oops, w‌‌rong s‌‌ub.

What’s the difference between 1,000 used condoms and a tyre?

One is a Goodyear and one is a great year.

Sailor 1: Have you seen what happened to the rope?

Sailor 2: Afraid not

If I got $1 every time a woman said I was't her type

I'd be her type.

Why did 1/5th get a massage?

Because he was 2/10’s

My History teacher got so angry that I couldn't translate the sequence 50,1,5,1,500 into Roman Numerals

You could almost say he was Livid.

Hired a handy man and gave him a list. When I got home, only items #1, 3, & 5 were done.

Turns out, he only does odd jobs.

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Paddy and Murphy fancy a pint but only have £1 between them.

Paddy says “I’ve an idear” and goes off and buys a sausage.
Murphy says “are ye mad? Now we’re skint!”
“Come on” says Paddy, “follow me”
They go into a pub, order two pints, and drink them.
Before they pay Paddy shoves the sausage through the zipper of his jeans and tells Murphy to get...

If you laid every atom in the sun end to end, it would be roughly 3.0818632e+23 times the width of the universe, or roughly 1.1701458e+43 lightyears.

That’s almost as wide as your mother.

Q: What starts with E, ends with E, and has only 1 letter in it?

A: Envelope

If I had £1 for every girl who found me unattractive

They'd probably start to find me attractive

I donate 1 kidney to a hospital and everyone thinks I am a hero



I donate 10 kidneys and everyone thinks I am a monster

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I was shocked to learn that a famous male pornstar had received $1,000,000 for his sperm. But, you know what they say

Sex cells.

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Mercedes for Sale @ $1

Someone put up this advertisement.
No one believed it, but one old man responded and went to see the car.
The Lady actually sold him a Mercedes, which had done just 12,000 kms, for $1.
She handed him the papers and the Car keys. Deal done.

As the old man was leaving, he said "I would...

A man who lived his whole life near a formula 1 track got interviewed on his 100th birthday

"Has living here impacted your life in any way?" asks the interviewer.

He takes some time to think and then answers:

"NNNOOOOOOOOUUUUOO"

The #1 cause for accidents in Georgia is deer.

Which is crazy to me since they can’t drive.

Got fired from my new job at the dairy factory for making 1% milk the wrong way...

...instead of following the directions exactly, I just skimmed them.

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My German girlfriend likes to rate my sexual performances on a scale of 1-10...

...last night we tried anal. She kept yelling 9! 9! 9! That’s my best score yet!

Why did the Star Wars movies come out in the order 4 5 6 1 2 3?

In charge of the sequence, Yoda was.

Villager 1: Flee for your lives! The mad scientist in the castle turned a tiny lizard into a monster that's destroying everything in its path!

Villager 2: Meh, why bother. We're doomed from the gecko.

Step 1: Travel back in time

Step 2: Impress people with your ability to predict the future

Step 3: ???

Step 4: Prophet

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A night out with 1$ [NSFW ?]

Two men only have a dollar for their night out and they want to get wasted.

So they go into a night shop and buy a sausage. The first bar they go in they order 2 beers each.

When they decide to leave, one takes out the sausage and places it between his legs. The other bends over and ...

I bet my butcher $1,000 that he couldn't reach the beef on the top shelf without a ladder.

He said the steaks were too high.

There are 2 kinds of people in the world: (1) People that pick their nose.

(2) Liars.

I got a mail saying that I won 1 million dollars because I could read Maps backwards

I thought to myself, "Thats just Spam"

How easy is it to tell a joke 1 year after joining Reddit?

A piece of cake.

Today I found out that it takes a school of piranha 1 minute to devour a child.

However, I have now lost my job in the aquarium.

The USA is number 1

when dialing internationally.

My mum keeps moaning about the cost of things these days. £2.50 for a sandwich, £1.50 for coffee, £12.50 for a Sunday lunch....

So I say to her, “look Mum, my house, my prices!”

I went to the beach yesterday and stopped at this stall with a sign that said "Lobster Tails $1".

I thought that was a good deal, so I gave the man the money and he said "Once upon a time there was a lobster..."

A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign hanging over the bar which read: Cheese Sandwich: $1.50, Chicken Sandwich: $2.50, Hand Job: $10.00

Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.

“Yes?” she enquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?"

I was wondering, whispers the man, "are you t...

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1 in 10 men is gay

and 10 men in 1 man is super gay

The Local sheriff was looking for a new deputy. When a blonde walks in to try for the job, he asks her "Okay, what is 1 and 1?"

"Eleven", she replies.

The sheriff thinks to himself, "That's not what I wanted, but I guess she’s right!"

"What two days of the week begin with the letter T?" he asks.

"Today and Tomorrow", the blonde answers.

The sheriff is again surprised that the blonde has supplied a...

I just won $1,000,000 from the lottery and I'm donating a quarter to charity!

Not sure what I'm going to do with the left over $999,999.75 though.

I just bought #1 baby diapers

However my newborn doesn't seem to care, and she also went number two on them.

A man walked into a copy shop, and requested that they print a book for him with pages 30 feet long and 1 foot wide.

Printer: "Why do you need pages that long?"

Man: "Well, it's a long story."

Wife: Suppose you hit jackpot of 1 million dollars in a lottery...

Wife: Suppose you hit jackpot of 1 million dollars in a lottery and the same day, someone kidnaps me and demands ransom of 1 million dollars. What will you do?

Husband: I doubt if I can hit two jackpots in one day!

Don't break anybody's heart; they only have 1.

Break their bones; they have 206.

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Which is the number 1 cereal brand in Asgard?

Bifrosties

*holy shit almost crapped my pants with excitement when I came up with this. GF not as excited, I'm counting on you guys

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In a Store in US a man asked for 1/2 kg of butter.

The salesperson, a young boy, said that only 1kg packs were available in the Store, but the man insisted on buying only 1/2 kg.

So the boy went inside to the manager's room and said "An idiot outside wants to buy only 1/2 kg of butter".

To his surprise, the customer was standing right ...

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My girlfriend and I began having sex at 1:58AM this morning and didn't stop until 3:01AM.

Thanks daylight savings!

Astronaut 1: "I can't find any milk for my coffee"

Astronaut 2: "In space no-one can. Here, use cream"

Down at the farmers market and a man dress as a pirate was selling corn for 1$

It was a buccaneer

About 1,375 olives are pressed in order to make 1 liter of olive oil, 8,435 sunflower seeds to make a liter of sunflower oil...

Don't even get me started on baby oil

What shoes do ninjas wear (dad joke N°1)

Sneakers

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God asks a guy, would you set in motion a chain of events that will lead to the whole visible universe being destroyed in 1 million years, for 1 trillion dollars? Guy says yes thats alot of money and I've got to live for today.

God pulls out a mountain of cash and swims in it and says, then you'll understand what I did 999,999 years ago.

When Trump borrows $1,000,000 from his dad it's a small loan

But when he donates that much money to Texas, it's a yuuuge contribution

My father told me that I'm in the 1%

He also mentioned that condoms work 99% of the time.

Canadian #1: What can I get for ya there bud?

Canadian #2: Oh I’d like this fancy car please.

Canadian #1: Well how about that, would you like the stock model or can I interest you in some upgrades?

Canadian #2: I’d like all the bells & whistles and upgrades ya got please.

Canadian#1: Well you must be quite wealthy th...

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected: a half-gallon of 2% milk a carton of eggs a quart of orange juice a head of romaine lettuce a 2 lb. can of coffee a 1 lb. package of bacon

As she was unloading her items onto the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her was watching.
While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict'...

1 and 2 went out for a walk in the snow.

1’s hands got so cold they went numb.

2’s hands and feet both got cold so he was even number.

Student doing test: “The unit of power equivalent to 1 joule per second is called the [....]”

Friend leans over: “Watt is the answer”

Student: “I don’t know, I’ve been trying to figure it out”

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Person 1: what do you call nuts on a wall?

Person 2: wallnuts.

Person 1: what do you call nuts on a chest?

Person 2: chestnuts.

Person 1: what do you call nuts on your chin?

Person 2: chin nuts?

Person 1: no, a dick in your mouth

On the scale of attractiveness from 1 to 10 I’m a 6 at Trader Joe’s.

But I’m a strong 8 at Walmart.

4 Norse god, 1 Roman god, and 2 astronomical bodies walk into a bar

The bartender says " Oh, this is a gonna be a week joke"

A man walks into a seafood restaurant and was told they had Lobster Tails on offer for $1.

“They must be small," he says.

"No, they're normal size," replies the waitress.

"Well they're old then."

"Fresh today," she answers.

"Then I'll have one," says the man, smiling.

The waitress takes him to table and he sits down.

"Once upon a time,...

9/10 Redditors are idiots

I'm glad to be the 1%

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Girl 1: Mother, why is my name Rose?

Mother: Because when you were just a precious little baby, a rose fell off a tree and onto your head.

Girl 2: But mother, why am I named Blossom?

Mother: Well my darling, same with you; a blossom blew from a tree and onto your head.

Girl 3: Mufaghh ma waafaa maaa?

Mother:...

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