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I saw a homeless man with a sign that read “$1 for a dirty joke”

Seemed like a good investment to me so I gladly handed over a dollar.

Homeless man: “Look there, you can see a Rooster right? How many legs does it have?"

Me: “Two?”

Homeless man: “Correct, now how many wings does this Rooster have?”

Me: “Two?”

Homeless man: “Right...

Person 1 says: I like Eminem

Person 2 says: Well, I prefer Skittles.
Person 1 says: No- I meant the rapper.
Person 2 says, confused: Why would you eat the wrapper?

A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday

Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?

Dude 1 : Hey, Bro? Dude 2 : Yeah Bro? Dude 1 : Can you pass me that pamphlet?

Dude 2 : Brochure

I forgot how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6, and 500 in Roman numerals.

I’M LIVID.

Doctor: How old are you on a scale of 1 to 8?

Kid: It stops at 8?

Doctor: It does for you.

I have 1,800 nuclear missiles, 283 battle ships, 9,400 planes.. I spend more on my military than the next 12 nations combined and despite spending more every year I still feel insecure...

I have a military-industrial complex.

What’s heavier, 1 lb of rocks, or 1 lb of feathers?

The feathers, because you’re carrying the weight of what you did to those birds.

Call a girl beautiful 1,000 times and she won’t think twice...

Call a girl fat once and she’ll always remember.


Because elephants never forget

Why was 2 afraid of 1?

1 was odd

My wife says if this post gets 1,000+ upvotes then we can get freaky on my cake day.

Please don't, the handcuffs are bad enough, the whip and strap-on are huge!

Statistics show that 1 out of 3 people in a relationship are cheating.....

I just need to figure out if it's my wife or girlfriend

What’s the #1 dating site in the South?

23andMe

They say in every friend group, 1 person is likely to commit murder.

I killed the guy I suspected before they could do any harm.

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Cardboard is a lot like 1-ply toilet paper. It's not really good at absorbing,

But it's really good at moving shit around.

Teacher: "What's 1 minus 1?"

Johny: "1 minus 1?"

Teacher: "Yes. If you subtract one from one, what do you get?"

Johny: "One."

Teacher: "No, Johny, Try again."

Johny: "Two."

Teacher: "Ok, let's do it this way: if you have only one potato chip left in a frying pan and you take it out of the pan,...

Why does 1 equal 0?

cos 0 = 1

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A man sees a sign in front of a bar that states "Free Beer For 1 Year Inquire Inside"

The man goes inside and sits down at the bar, and asks the bartender about the sign he saw out front. The bartender informs him that all he has to do is complete 3 tasks, and the bar will give him free beer for one year. The man asked what the tasks were and the bartender responded. First you need t...

An engineer who was unemployed for a long time decided to open a medical clinic. He puts a sign outside the clinic: "A cure for your ailment guaranteed at $500; we'll pay you $1,000 if we fail."

A Doctor thinks this is a good opportunity to earn $1,000 and goes to his clinic.

Doctor: "I have lost my sense of taste."

Engineer: "Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."

Doctor: "This is Gasoline!"

Engineer: "Congratulatio...

Two doctors and 1 Pharmacy

A women goes to Pharmacy and when she is done getting her items the cashier asks if she wants to get a free covid shot but the women says "God will protect me from covid".

When the women gets home she gets a call from her doctor saying your qualified to come today to get your covid shot but t...

What's green and red, and spins at 1,000 RPM?

A frog in a blender.

I got in a fight with 1 3 5 7 and 9

The odds were against me!

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A man was interviewing for a position with the CIA (Part 1)

He turns up to the interview and there are two other guys.

The first guy gets taken in for an interview and is asked: Who killed Jesus Christ? He replies "The Jews".

The second guy gets taken in and is asked the same thing, to which he replies "The Romans".

The third guy (our gu...

They say 1 million monkeys with 1 million keyboards can produce the entire works of Shakespeare...

...Thanks to the internet we now know that's not true

Fellow 1 : "Now my grandfather, he knew the exact day of the year that he was going to die.

It was the right year too. Not only that, but he knew what time he would die that day, and he was right about that too."

Fellow 2 : "Wow, that's Incredible. How did he know all of that?"

Fellow 1 : "A judge told him."

100% of people can list the numbers from 1 to 100

Anybody else doesn’t count

I was playing chess and my opponent opened with 1. Nf3.

I wasn't reti for that.

I recently discovered that 1 in 8 Americans is an alcoholic

I also discovered that 1 in 8 Americans actually suffers from the effects of alcoholism; the rest seem to have a pretty good time

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One doctor was known as the fastest in the West. He would be done before the nerves sent pain signals. Someone challenged him to cut of a patients leg in 1 second. He sawed briskly but ended cutting off the patient's testicle.

He got the sack.

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Would you suck a dick for $1,000,000?

Yea

But I don’t really have that kind of money

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In every friend group, apparently 1 out of 10 people are gay.

I hope it's Tyler, he's super cute.

What is 1.60 m high, has 22 legs and feigns death if you touch it?

The Italy national football team.

A blonde pays $1,000,000 to use a stadium to prove blondes are smart.

She fills the stadium with 80,000 other blondes and calls one up to prove, on live TV, that blondes are smart. She starts simply with a math question.
“What’s twenty plus three?” She asks the young volunteer. The little blonde thinks and timidly whispers into the mic “nine?” Soon a chorus of 80,...

I was stuck driving behind a cement mixer for 1/2 an hour

It had a "Do not overtake turning vehicle" sign.

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1, 2, 3,4 I declare a thumb war

5,6,7,8 I use this hand to masterbate.

Yo momma's so fat that objects 5 meters away accelerate at 1 m/s^2 toward her. What is yo momma's mass if G = 6.67x10^-11Nm^2/kg^2?

Please, someone help me, I can't solve it and it's making me nuts.

I just hired a beautiful 21 year old girl to look after my 1 year old baby. Now I have two issues:

1. How to tell this to my wife

2. Where to find a 1 year old baby

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Student 1: My name is Tom Archer because my ancestors were making bows and arrows.

Student 2: My name is Sam Baker because my forefathers were bakers.


Student 3: My name is John Dickinson, and I hate this game.

Sailor 1: Have you seen what happened to the rope?

Sailor 2: Afraid not

Did you know, that if you shout 0 loud enough it becomes 1?

See: 0!

Two facts about me, 1) When I die I have arranged for my remains to be spread around the Houses of Parliament.

2) I don't want to be cremated.

Cop 1: This murder seems racially motivated.

Cop 2: Hate crime?

Cop 1: Of course I hate crime. That’s why I became a cop.

Do you remember when air was free at the gas station, and now it's $1.50? You know why?

Inflation


Holy smokes this blew up, THANK YOU all for the awards and the silver!!

What’s the difference between 1,000 used condoms and a tyre?

One is a Goodyear and one is a great year.

The only cow in a small town in USA stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow from BC Canada for 1,000 dollars, or one from Alberta Canada for 800 dollars. Being poor, they bought the cow from Alberta. The cow was wonderful.

It produced lots of milk all the time, and the people were amazed and very happy. They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it. Then they would never have to worry about the milk supply again.

They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved...

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My wife said if this post gets 1,000 likes, I can get Anal on my cake day

So please upvote because this house hasn’t been cleaned in months and I want it spotless!

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Three friends were bragging about who has the most sex. The first guy starts, “Y'all ain't got nothing on me! I can go to any bar and bring home a new woman every night! Not only that, but I drive a corvette and have an 8 inch penis! I've slept with more than 1,000 women!”

Second guy fires back, “Oh yeah? Well I’m a top gynecologist at the highest rated hospital in the world. I make $800,000 a year, have patients and nurses who have sex with me every hour I’m at work. All the women compliment me on my 12 inch penis and I've slept with well over 5,000 women.”

La...

My History teacher got so angry that I couldn't translate the sequence 50,1,5,1,500 into Roman Numerals

You could almost say he was Livid.

Why did 1/5th get a massage?

Because he was 2/10’s

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Today I saw an ad that said "radio for sale, $1, volume knob stuck on full."

I thought, "I can't turn that down."

(Programmer) What did 0 say to 1?

You're a bit too much.

What's the number 1 reason for divorce?

Marriage.

If you laid every atom in the sun end to end, it would be roughly 3.0818632e+23 times the width of the universe, or roughly 1.1701458e+43 lightyears.

That’s almost as wide as your mother.

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Paddy and Murphy fancy a pint but only have £1 between them.

Paddy says “I’ve an idear” and goes off and buys a sausage.
Murphy says “are ye mad? Now we’re skint!”
“Come on” says Paddy, “follow me”
They go into a pub, order two pints, and drink them.
Before they pay Paddy shoves the sausage through the zipper of his jeans and tells Murphy to get...

Step 1: Travel back in time

Step 2: Impress people with your ability to predict the future

Step 3: ???

Step 4: Prophet

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2 Girls, 1 Cup isn't for everyone.

But some people eat that shit up.

Got fired from my new job at the dairy factory for making 1% milk the wrong way...

...instead of following the directions exactly, I just skimmed them.

Q: What starts with E, ends with E, and has only 1 letter in it?

A: Envelope

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I was shocked to learn that a famous male pornstar had received $1,000,000 for his sperm. But, you know what they say

Sex cells.

Villager 1: Flee for your lives! The mad scientist in the castle turned a tiny lizard into a monster that's destroying everything in its path!

Villager 2: Meh, why bother. We're doomed from the gecko.

Hired a handy man and gave him a list. When I got home, only items #1, 3, & 5 were done.

Turns out, he only does odd jobs.

‌‌TIL i‌‌n 1‌‌974 R‌‌ussians a‌‌ccidentally b‌‌lew u‌‌p t‌‌heir o‌‌wn s‌‌ubmarine, t‌‌hinking i‌‌t w‌‌as a‌‌n e‌‌nemy

Oops, w‌‌rong s‌‌ub.

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Mercedes for Sale @ $1

Someone put up this advertisement.
No one believed it, but one old man responded and went to see the car.
The Lady actually sold him a Mercedes, which had done just 12,000 kms, for $1.
She handed him the papers and the Car keys. Deal done.

As the old man was leaving, he said "I would...

If I had £1 for every girl who found me unattractive

They'd probably start to find me attractive

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My German girlfriend likes to rate my sexual performances on a scale of 1-10...

...last night we tried anal. She kept yelling 9! 9! 9! That’s my best score yet!

The #1 cause for accidents in Georgia is deer.

Which is crazy to me since they can’t drive.

I donate 1 kidney to a hospital and everyone thinks I am a hero



I donate 10 kidneys and everyone thinks I am a monster

There are 2 kinds of people in the world: (1) People that pick their nose.

(2) Liars.

If I got $1 every time a woman said I was't her type

I'd be her type.

The USA is number 1

when dialing internationally.

I got a mail saying that I won 1 million dollars because I could read Maps backwards

I thought to myself, "Thats just Spam"

I went to the beach yesterday and stopped at this stall with a sign that said "Lobster Tails $1".

I thought that was a good deal, so I gave the man the money and he said "Once upon a time there was a lobster..."

Today I found out that it takes a school of piranha 1 minute to devour a child.

However, I have now lost my job in the aquarium.

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What happens when you poop in a Formula 1 car?

Shit goes from 0 to 100 real fucking quick.

I bet my butcher $1,000 that he couldn't reach the beef on the top shelf without a ladder.

He said the steaks were too high.

How easy is it to tell a joke 1 year after joining Reddit?

A piece of cake.

My mum keeps moaning about the cost of things these days. £2.50 for a sandwich, £1.50 for coffee, £12.50 for a Sunday lunch....

So I say to her, “look Mum, my house, my prices!”

I just bought #1 baby diapers

However my newborn doesn't seem to care, and she also went number two on them.

I just won $1,000,000 from the lottery and I'm donating a quarter to charity!

Not sure what I'm going to do with the left over $999,999.75 though.

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God asks a guy, would you set in motion a chain of events that will lead to the whole visible universe being destroyed in 1 million years, for 1 trillion dollars? Guy says yes thats alot of money and I've got to live for today.

God pulls out a mountain of cash and swims in it and says, then you'll understand what I did 999,999 years ago.

Why did the Star Wars movies come out in the order 4 5 6 1 2 3?

In charge of the sequence, Yoda was.

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A night out with 1$ [NSFW ?]

Two men only have a dollar for their night out and they want to get wasted.

So they go into a night shop and buy a sausage. The first bar they go in they order 2 beers each.

When they decide to leave, one takes out the sausage and places it between his legs. The other bends over and ...

Don't break anybody's heart; they only have 1.

Break their bones; they have 206.

What shoes do ninjas wear (dad joke N°1)

Sneakers

Down at the farmers market and a man dress as a pirate was selling corn for 1$

It was a buccaneer

A man walked into a copy shop, and requested that they print a book for him with pages 30 feet long and 1 foot wide.

Printer: "Why do you need pages that long?"

Man: "Well, it's a long story."

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1 in 10 men is gay

and 10 men in 1 man is super gay

The Local sheriff was looking for a new deputy. When a blonde walks in to try for the job, he asks her "Okay, what is 1 and 1?"

"Eleven", she replies.

The sheriff thinks to himself, "That's not what I wanted, but I guess she’s right!"

"What two days of the week begin with the letter T?" he asks.

"Today and Tomorrow", the blonde answers.

The sheriff is again surprised that the blonde has supplied a...

Canadian #1: What can I get for ya there bud?

Canadian #2: Oh I’d like this fancy car please.

Canadian #1: Well how about that, would you like the stock model or can I interest you in some upgrades?

Canadian #2: I’d like all the bells & whistles and upgrades ya got please.

Canadian#1: Well you must be quite wealthy th...

Student doing test: “The unit of power equivalent to 1 joule per second is called the [....]”

Friend leans over: “Watt is the answer”

Student: “I don’t know, I’ve been trying to figure it out”

Everyone goes through life looking out for #1...

Unless they are walking through a cow pasture. Then they look out for #2.

I'm selling a TV for $1, but it's broken and it's stuck on the highest volume

It's something you can't turn down.

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected: a half-gallon of 2% milk a carton of eggs a quart of orange juice a head of romaine lettuce a 2 lb. can of coffee a 1 lb. package of bacon

As she was unloading her items onto the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her was watching.
While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict'...

1 and 2 went out for a walk in the snow.

1’s hands got so cold they went numb.

2’s hands and feet both got cold so he was even number.

Did you know the most tragic event where 1/4 of the human population died?

Apparently, it happened when Abel was murdered.

On the scale of attractiveness from 1 to 10 I’m a 6 at Trader Joe’s.

But I’m a strong 8 at Walmart.

bank account: $1,400 has been deposited into your bank account

**me, at Baskin Robbins:** give me Carol Baskin

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In a Store in US a man asked for 1/2 kg of butter.

The salesperson, a young boy, said that only 1kg packs were available in the Store, but the man insisted on buying only 1/2 kg.

So the boy went inside to the manager's room and said "An idiot outside wants to buy only 1/2 kg of butter".

To his surprise, the customer was standing right ...

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Person 1: what do you call nuts on a wall?

Person 2: wallnuts.

Person 1: what do you call nuts on a chest?

Person 2: chestnuts.

Person 1: what do you call nuts on your chin?

Person 2: chin nuts?

Person 1: no, a dick in your mouth

Person 1: Ask me if I am a tree.

Person 2: Are you a tree?
Person 1: No

My favorite joke of all time (Russian I think?), but thought I would share it for my first cake day.

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The young woman who submitted the tech support message presumably did it as a joke. Then she got a reply that was way too good to keep to herself.

The query:
Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications and intimacy, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 unin...

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Angel 1 : "I just saw an important bible character playing with himself!"

Angel 2: "Jesus fucking Christ!"

Angel 1: "Yes that's what it was."

A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign hanging over the bar which read: Cheese Sandwich: $1.50, Chicken Sandwich: $2.50, Hand Job: $10.00

Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.

“Yes?” she enquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?"

I was wondering, whispers the man, "are you t...

I once knew a Formula 1 driver who had a day job trucking donkeys.

He was never a good driver, but he hauled ass!

A man walks into a seafood restaurant and was told they had Lobster Tails on offer for $1.

“They must be small," he says.

"No, they're normal size," replies the waitress.

"Well they're old then."

"Fresh today," she answers.

"Then I'll have one," says the man, smiling.

The waitress takes him to table and he sits down.

"Once upon a time,...

Wife: Suppose you hit jackpot of 1 million dollars in a lottery...

Wife: Suppose you hit jackpot of 1 million dollars in a lottery and the same day, someone kidnaps me and demands ransom of 1 million dollars. What will you do?

Husband: I doubt if I can hit two jackpots in one day!

9/10 Redditors are idiots

I'm glad to be the 1%

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When I was in high school, my class had a rule that whoever swears, that person had to donate 1 dollar to the class fund

One day my friend sweared, following the set rule, he came up near the fund jar, held a 2-dollar note, as he was putting it into the jar, he said: “Keep the change, motherfuckers!”

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Which is the number 1 cereal brand in Asgard?

Bifrosties

*holy shit almost crapped my pants with excitement when I came up with this. GF not as excited, I'm counting on you guys

About 1,375 olives are pressed in order to make 1 liter of olive oil, 8,435 sunflower seeds to make a liter of sunflower oil...

Don't even get me started on baby oil

√-1 2³ ∑π

And it was delicious

Guys I just beat stage 1 of cancer

Now I'm at stage 2.

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Why is P0rnhubs number 1 user Darth Maul?

(I’m gonna get banned for this) Because he’s really horny

PSA: Police are warning against large amounts of fake $1 bills this holiday season

Look out for hot singles in your area.

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My girlfriend and I began having sex at 1:58AM this morning and didn't stop until 3:01AM.

Thanks daylight savings!

Time zones are very confusing. Like it's may 2 in australia, may 1 in europe

and 1954 in america

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Girl 1: Mother, why is my name Rose?

Mother: Because when you were just a precious little baby, a rose fell off a tree and onto your head.

Girl 2: But mother, why am I named Blossom?

Mother: Well my darling, same with you; a blossom blew from a tree and onto your head.

Girl 3: Mufaghh ma waafaa maaa?

Mother:...

Fish 1: So I heard you had kids. Where are they from?

Fish 2: The sea section

Astronaut 1: "I can't find any milk for my coffee"

Astronaut 2: "In space no-one can. Here, use cream"

4 Norse god, 1 Roman god, and 2 astronomical bodies walk into a bar

The bartender says " Oh, this is a gonna be a week joke"

My father told me that I'm in the 1%

He also mentioned that condoms work 99% of the time.

What will the dentist give you for $1?

Buck teeth!

Most often heard response to the social-distancing 1 meter apart rule in Norway?

We have to stand closer to people?

If I recieved $1 for every math test I failed

I'd have $17.50c

Why do scientists hate reacting the 1 mol concentration of a carboxyl acid and 1 mil concentration alkane?

They make 1 mol-ester!

"Gravity: noun. 1. The invisible force that pulls objects to celestial bodies."

"That's very nice, Elphaba. But I said try _defying_ gravity."

It’s a 1 mile walk from my house to the store

So If the average human can walk up to five miles an hour, why has it taken my dad 18 years to come back with the milk.

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Interesting fact about myself: (1) my penis is not as long as a footlong sub

(2) I am abnned from Subway

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