I was 16 minutes late for my first math lecture, 8 minutes late for the second, and 4 minutes late for the third.

At this rate, I’ll never be there on time.

4 beer company CEOs walk into a bar

The CEO of Budweiser orders a Bud Light.

The CEO of Miller orders a Miller Light.

The CEO of Coors orders a Coors Light.

The CEO of Guinness orders a Coke.

The first three ask the CEO of Guinness why he didn't order a Guinness, to which he replied:

"I figured if yo...

Why did they release Star Wars episodes 4, 5 & 6 before episodes 1, 2 & 3?

In charge of the schedule Yoda was.

Boy aged 4: Dad, I’ve decided to get married.

Dad: Wonderful; do you have a girl in mind?!

Boy: Yes... grandma! She said she loves me, I love her, too....and she’s the best cook & story teller in the whole world!

Dad: That’s nice, but we have a small problem there!

Boy: What problem?!

Dad: She happens to be my m...

Soooo my 4 year old nephew just told me this. He's a little nerd but it made me chuckle. Knock knock...

Who's there?

Cows go.

Cows go who?

No idiot... Cows go moo!

I am a proud antivax parent of 4 children.

Edit: 3 children

Edit: 2

Edit: 1

Why didn't 4 ask out 5

Because he was 2².

Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?

Me: That's when I went to Yale.

Interviewer: Thats pretty impressive. You're hired.

Me: Thank you, I really need this Yob.

4 Norse god, 1 Roman god, and 2 astronomical bodies walk into a bar

The bartender says " Oh, this is a gonna be a week joke"

It’s been 4 years since my last job interview

I’m beginning to suspect they got someone else

4 comrades go to a Soviet hotel for a night during a business trip...

As they walk into their room, 3 of them, whip out some vodka, food and cigarettes and begin to make jokes about the government and be very loud indeed. The 4th one is trying to get some meaningful sleep and knowing that it would be fruitless to ask them to stop, hatches an ingenious plan.
He goes...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What has 3 arms and 4 legs?

My son's shitty drawing of a snake

I've been married for 4 happy years!

Out of 10

I was asked to go out by 4 girls today!

Turns out I was in the ladies bathroom...

Man: Can I have a number 4 with cheese?

Librarian: Sir, this is a library.

Man: Oh, right. Sorry.

Man: (whispers) Can I please have a number 4 with cheese?

What has 4 wheels and flies?

Garbage truck

I saw a 4 year old girl crying, all alone

"Are you ok?" I asked her. "Do you know where your mommy and daddy are?"

"No" she sobbed

I love doing volunteer work at the orphanage

Why does Edward Woodward have 4 D's in his name?

Because if he didn't he'd be called E war woo war

4 people are on a crashing plane, but there are only 3 parachutes.

The first person the grab a parachute is Brad Pitt and as he reachs for the door he says, "My family and my fans need me surely you will understand.", off he goes.

The next person to grab one is Donald Trump: "Im the most intellegent president this nation ever saw i will do great things to th...

[Dad Jokes] 3 guys are on a boat with 4 cigarettes but nothing to light them with.

So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.



*Wow this blew up!! I didn't expect it to get so many upvotes! THANK YOU! I heard this joke from my friend today and I decided to share it with Reddit.*

*Thank you for the silver! First time receivi...

The 4 hour erection...

I went to a chemist store and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. 

The woman I spoke to said she was the only pharmacist and since she and her sister owned the store, there were no male employees. 

She asked if she could help me.

I said that I really would have preferred to spea...

What has 2 legs in the morning, 4 legs in the afternoon, and 3 legs in the evening

The man I was doing surgery on

I got fired from the hospital

My cat some how got on the roof yesterday. He was too heavy and caused 1/4 of it to fall down.

Oof.

Then he fell down perfectly onto the couch, causing 1/5 of it to collapse.

Ouch.

Take 4 and subtract 2 from it. What's left?

The opposite of right..

Joke by my 4 year old nephew, please try not to downvote. It made me laugh when he said it though.

Nephew: are you gluten intolerant?


Me(surprised he knew about gluten): yes I am, sweetheart


Nephew: how intolerant of you

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After landing myself in jail I spent the first 4 hours getting ass fucked senseless…

I think my uncle takes playing monopoly far too seriously!!!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Apparently as a 4-year old, Hitler was saved from drowning in the river Inn by a local priest.

Goes to show once more that a lot of problems would be solved if priests could just keep their hands off kids.

Why was the 4 year old antivax kid crying

Because he was having a midlife crisis.

I was kidnapped by some mimes 4 years ago today

The things they did to me were just unspeakable

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One day 4 friends went to the playground and seen a magic slide

the slide gives you whatever you say while going down.
the first friend goes up and slides down and says "money!!!!!" and lands in money
the second friend goes down and screams "sweets!!" and lands in a pile of sweets
the third friend climbs up slips on the last step and says "oh shit"

3 guys are on a boat with 4 cigarettes but nothing to light them with

…so they throw one cigarette off the boat to make the boat a cigarette lighter

My doctor gave me 4 months to live....

I killed him and the judge gave me 30.

1 out of 5 people suffer from loneliness

So, if you look around and you don’t see the other 4 people, they’re out having fun without you.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Just got into a fight with 4 guys.

I managed to knock one out.

With hindsight, it probably wasn't the best time to have a wank, if I'm honest.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A class was asked to write a concise essay containing 4 elements : religion, royalty,sex and mystery.

The only "A+"in the class read:

"My God," said the Queen," I'm pregnant. I wonder who did it ?".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Posting a shit joke every day for no reason ( part 4 )

As I get older and remember all the people I've lost along the way, I think to myself that my career as a tour guide was not the right choice.

I live under a 4 million dollar roof.

Bridges sure are expensive.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A confused mother watches her 4 year old son...

A confused mother watches her 4 year old son. on the staircase, he has the family cat and a box of tic tacs, and he is slowly and methodically eating one tic tac, licking the cat, and moving down one step. He then repeats this, over and over.

He is about half way down the stairs when finally ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A 7 year old and a 4 year old are in their bedroom...

"You know what" says the 7 year old

" I think its time we start swearing. When we go down for breakfast i will swear first then you".

"Ok" Replies the 4 year old.

Mum asks the 7 year old what he wants for breakfast.

" I will have Coco pops,bitch"

WHACK, he flew out...

I was talking to a coworker about a project I was working on at home. I didn’t have enough space so I told her I wish I could turn 4 inches into 8

She said she wishes her husband could too

I found myself wide awake early this morning and couldn’t get back to sleep. I checked the time.

4:04
Sleep not found

My friend bought a 4 dimensional game.

It was all theoretical.

Are you 3,4,5?

Because you are the right angle to my square.

I will be attending a competition that takes place every 4 years to see which Irishmen has the worst case of Erectile Dysfuction.

Better known as The O'limpdicks.

I want to buy Apple’s new monitor but I only have $4,000...

I can’t stand it!

If you ever become depressed, try drinking 4 glasses of water before going to sleep.

That'll give you a good reason to get up in the morning.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

4 nuns line up outside the gates of heaven.

God greets them and says: "If you all want to go to heaven, you must gain purity." He asks the first nun "Have you ever touched a penis before?". The nun says "Yes, with the tip of my finger". God tells her not worry and to dip her finger in the holy water in front of them. She does so and goes thro...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Buck was selling his car and and girl name Kelly was interested in buying it. He said it’s $4,000. She thought a minute and said, “How about $3000 and a blow job?” He said that sounds great . . .

He was happy he got the Kelly Blew Buck price.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] injury lawyers 4 u are shit

injury lawyers 4 u are shit when our neighbours 15 year old daughter cut herself climbing our fence they told me to take photos of her gash. guess who’s in court tomorrow

What rock group has 4 members that don't sing?

Mount Rushmore

I missed out on a great investment opportunity 5 years ago which required an initial deposit of $4 and had a return of thousands of dollars!

Don't believe me? Just ask my 4-year old!

What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?

632 hallmark Christmas movies

“Queue” sounds like “q” followed by 4 silent letters, but…

They’re just waiting their turn.

One time I saw a kid being bullied by 4 kids so i decided to step in

He didn't stand a chance against all 5 of us

My girlfriend borrowed $500 from me. After 4 years, when we separated, she returned exactly $500.

I lost interest on that relationship.

TIL a Goose's beak is composed of 4 elements: Hydrogen, Oxygen, Nitrogen, and Potassium.

HONK

I ate 4 cans of alphabet soup yesterday

I had the biggest vowel movement of my life this morning.

4 people go on vacation together.

One of them speaks English, another speaks French, the third speaks Spanish , and the last speaks German. They see a crowd gathering in the street and go over to see what’s going on. There is a performer in the middle of the crowd. He notices that the four are struggling to see him so he stands on a...

What has 4 letters, sometimes has 9 letters, but never has 5 letters.

Hint: I didn't ask a question

The band 4 Non Blondes changed their name to 3 Non Blondes...

Because the 4th one dyed.

[At auto store] Salesman: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 brand new tires?

Me: Sir, you are really overestimating my strength.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Told 4 year old neighbor kid that it's no big deal to poop your pants, it just happensl. I wish I hadn't said a thing...

Because now he won't shut up and quit teasing me about it.

Someone stole 1/4 of my roof!

Oof

Why was 6 afraid of 7?

6 never did trust 7. Sure, they worked closely together, but 7 always seemed at odds with him. 6 always preferred the company of 4, a perfect 10 of a duo, even though 2 kept them apart.
But when it came to 7? 6 always summed it up to bad luck. Then, 6 found the truth.
6 respected 9, even thoug...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

4 Former Classmates, who were great friends and who haven't seen each other in years meet at a restaurant

After a while of talking one asks: “So guys, how are your eldest sons doing?“ Another one excuses himself to the restroom.

So the first one starts to talk about his eldest son: “I couldn't complain. He is the Ceo of a big car manifacturer and makes good money. He even gifted his lover a Lambo...

Today in my chemistry lab, the teacher asked a kid to add 4 grams of baking soda to an ounce of vinegar. The moron instead added 4 ounces of baking soda to a pound of vinegar.

It was mass confusion.

Why did the two 4's skip lunch?

They already 8

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

We saw a huge brawl between 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 9 and 10.

8 never seen shit like this before.

I apologize in advance, but my 4 year old won't stop telling me this joke.

What do you get when you cross a dog and a monkey?



Diarrhea



(I already said sorry)

What's 11 plus 2 plus 4 minus 17?

A lot of work for nothing.



Credit: My nine year old and his joke book.

What do you call an Acapella group with 4 25 year olds?

A quartet life crisis

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

4 years ago today, I shared the worst joke I ever created. Here it is again for those that missed it.

There are two identical twin brothers that live together. One happens to be a well-respected dentist, and the other can't seem to keep a job. Instead of actively looking for work, he likes to sit around at home. One Saturday, the dentist is hungry, and puts his brother on the spot. He tells him to g...

I picked a random number generator, but it only goes 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, ...

Apparently, if you want a random number generator, you shouldn't pick a number generator at random.

4 aliens crash land onto Earth and know no English, but can learn quickly.

The aliens split up, to hopefully develop their knowledge in the language.

The first alien walked into an office building and heard someone speaking into the phone. "Yeah. Of course." he heard.

The second alien walks by a restaurant and sees a little kid playing with utensils and sayin...

Saw a guy being beaten up by 4 dudes

I went to go help. He didn’t stand a chance against the 5 of us.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There are 4 cows. 1 mom, 3 babies.

The first baby walks up to her and says, “ Mommy, why am I called Rose?” Mama says, “ Its because when you were born, a rose petal fell on your head.” The second baby walks up and says, “Mommy, why is my name Lily?” Mama says, “ That is because when you were born, a lily petal fell on your head.” Th...

Studies show that 4 out of 5 men suffer from diarrhea at some point in their lives.

My question is why 1 in 5 enjoy it.

A farmer had 196 cows across 4 fields.

When he rounded them up, he had 200.

What do you call a 4'11" fortune teller that has escaped from prison?

A small medium at large.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

1. Cockadoodle 2. Yabba Dabba 3. Voo 4. Sea 5. Didgeri

My to doo list

A good accountant says 2+2=4, a bad accountant 2+2=5, a great accountant

Asks what you want 2+2 equal to

I once fell in love with a girl that only knew 4 vowels

Unfortunately she didn't know I existed.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So 4 Nuns die and go to the heaven...

They are met by the god himself at the pearly gates...



Looking at them the god says, "you have spent your entire life doing my work and spreading my message and therefore you may enter the gates of heaven, but before you do that, you must tell me right now if you have ever committed a...

4 doctors from a hospital are having a meeting about a certain ICU

Doctor 1: I don't know if you fellas noticed, but we've been losing a lot of patients in that room.

Doctor 2: I've noticed that too, and is always at 10am.

Doctor 3: Yes, what's up with that? I lost three people who had very good chances of recovery, alwalys at 10am.

Doctor 4:...

How to get ripped in 4 easy steps:

1. Stand on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.
2. Hold a 5-lb potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax. Each day you'll find that you can hold this po...

What do you call 4 Mexicans in quicksand?

quatro sinko

What do you call a physicist that’s 1/4 Hispanic?

Ohm slice

I threw a party to celebrate making it to week 4 of No Nut November

Nobody came

What has 4 legs and 1 arm?

A Rottweiler in a children's playground.

I saw 4 guys robbing some old lady and I intervened

It was not worth it, she only had $20

A new doctor came into town and set up shop 4 months ago.

I’m a doctor too, so I was worried about losing any of my clientele. Sure enough, some of my regulars failed to reschedule appointments and I started getting faxed requests to send their medical records over to this new doctor.

After a few months had passed, things weren’t improving and appoi...

As an employer, i get a lot of resumes, every time i get a lot, I throw 1/4 of them away.

I don’t want unlucky people working for me.

A 4.0 Student

Was taking an ornithology course in college. The course was known for being very rigorous and challenging, but the student was confident in his abilities. Just before the final exam, the professor assigned a hefty amount of homework, due before the day of the exam. The student was able to finish the...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

At age 4, success is not peeing in your pants. At age 12, success is having friends. At Age 16, success is having a driver's license. At age 20, success is having sex. At age 35, success is having money.

At age 50, success is having money.

At age 60, success is having sex.

At age 70, success is having a driver's license.

At age 75, success is having friends.

At age 80, success is not peeing in your pants.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It's 4:58PM and there's a good chance the receptionist at work wants to have sex with me

Either way I'm getting off in 2 minutes

Juan, a prison warden, decided a group of sikhs (4 or 5 of them) should be released for good behaviour.

The occasion was mentioned in the newspaper: “Juan to free four, five sikhs”
I’ll be here all week.

Why do the Ninja Turtles attack Shredder 4 on 1?

Because their master is a rat.

What did 4 tell 2 when he saw 8 acting like an idiot?

Don't worry, he's just a product of our times.

If the average human can walk about 3 mph, and my local corner store is a 1/4 mile away

Why has it taken my dad 15 years to get a pack of cigarettes?

I met a girl at a club the other night & she told me she'd show me a good time.

When we got outside, she ran a 40 yard dash in 4.8 seconds.

What did the water sing at 4 degrees celsius?

- Lets dense !

There's a type of mustard gas that stays near the ground and only kills people less than 4 feet tall.

It's used in chemical dwarfare.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why didn’t 4 ask out 5?

Because 5 is a registered sex offender.

Wait, that’s not right...

"Sir, I know you are having trouble typing in your password." "Please can we try again. Your password is capital A as in Apple, lowercase T as in Tom, the number 4, Q as in Cucumber... "

This is something I actually said during my call center days. The call screeners wouldn't let me forget for months.

One man in 4 men...

sounds like a party to me!

I am so happy, I finally beat stage 4 cancer!

Now I am on stage 5!

What’s the difference between a bag of coke and a 4 year old boy?

Eric Clapton wouldn’t let a bag of coke fall out the window

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

4 nuns....

4 Nuns (Mary, Clarence, Enid and Steph) were involved in a horrific car crash that killed them all

Next thing they knew they were all standing in front of the pearly gates with St Peter greeting them with a friendly smile.

As they drew closer Peter said “Before I can let you pass into ...

Only 4 fingers

My little daughter came to me all excited, saying, “Daddy! Daddy! Guess how old I’ll be in August!” I said, “Oh I don’t know princess, why don’t you tell me?” She gave me a huge smile and held up four fingers!
It’s now three hours later, the police are annoyed and she still won’t say where she...

Was walking in front of my 4 year old daughter today who got me with this doozy today.

Daughter: Kock Kock!

Me: Who’s There?

Daughter: Impatient Cow!

Me: impatient Cow Who?

Daughter: MoOoooOoOOVE IT!

Me: **Proud moment**

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Was in the pub a few months ago with my mate and these 4 huge bastards starting mouthing off at us.

"Pretend we're the Police" my mate said

I only got two lines into the first verse of Roxanne before they kicked the shit out of us.

I just read that 4,213,257 people got married laat year.

I don't want to start any trouble, but shouldn't that be an even number?

Why was the pirate army of 100 men at 4/5 strength?

They could only afford to arr matey

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.