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My wife suggested we watch some porn to spice things up. I put on “Crazy Anal Chicks vol. 4”

But it was just a bunch of women yelling at me to do the dishes, put my shoes on the entranceway mat, and hang the towels on the rack

Why didn't 4 ask out 5?

Because he was 2^(2)

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A British soldier returns from war after 4 years against the Germans.

His faithful wife, longing for sex all these years, dresses up in her sheerest lingerie, hoping to entice her returning husband. She waits by the door as her husband enters and her lingerie gently slips off her body and she stands there naked. “Darling, look what the wind blew away”, she says seduct...

4 men are in the hospital waiting room waiting for their babies The nurse walks in and tells the first man: "Congratulations you're having twins." The man responds: "That's a crazy coincidence, i work for the Minnesota twins."

The nurse tells the second man: "Congratulations you're having triplets."

The man responds: "That's a crazy coincidence, i work for the 3M company."

The nurse tells the third man: "Congratulations You're having quadruplets."

The third man responds: "That's a crazy coincidence i ...

When I was 16 my bestfriend got super mad at me once and wouldnt talk to me for nearly 4 months for smelling his sisters underwear.

Idk if it was because she was still wearing them or that there was a lot of people around us, but either way, it made the rest of the funeral super awkward

In Ancient Rome there were 4 types of poison...

Poison I, II, III, would all kill you with varying degrees of pain.
However poison IV would make you really itchy.

Why did Star Wars come out in the order of 4,5,6,1,2,3,7,8,9?

“in charge of scheduling, I was”

Credit: u/Demonazzzz

4 things that can be seen from space

1. The Eiffel Tower
2. Mount Everest
3. Pyramids of Giza
4. President Volodymyr Zelenskyy's massive balls

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A 7 year old and a 4 year old are in their bedroom. "You know what, I think it's time we started swearing" said the 7 year old.

"When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'll swear first, then you."
"Sure." replied the 4 year old.
They make their way downstairs and their mum asks the 7 year old what he wants for breakfast.
"I'll have Frosties, bitch"
WHACK, he flew out the chair crying his ey...

4 rabbis were golfing...

Four rabbis had a tradition of spending a day each week golfing and discussing theology between holes. Very often they would argue, with three of them taking one side and eventually arguing the fourth one down.

One day, though, the fourth rabbi simply would not budge on his point - he swore h...

Doctors say 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea.

### That means one person enjoys it

Aaron Rodgers is now 0-4 against the 49ers in a playoff game…

He’s also 0-3 for his vaccination shots

I made a concoction with half part laxatives and 4 parts alphabet soup...

I call it Letter Rip.

When I was younger one of my favorite jokes to tell was about a 4,000 lb. elephant. I tried to convert it to metric to share with the rest of the world.

But, it never got a laugh. Just these looks of mass confusion.

Traditional joke from my childhood #4

A man went to a coffee shop and ordered two cups of coffee.

When the waiter gave him his two cups of coffee he told him "Drink the second cup first." The man was confused and asked "but what's the difference?" the waiter said that if he drinks the first one first the second one will get cold

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4 tips for guys for successful relationships

It’s really important to find a woman that you love and who loves you the same.

It’s really important to find a woman that sexually excites you and that she feels the same about you.

It’s really important to find a woman who will care for you and that you will care for her, in sickne...

4 people fighting to sit on the Throne. There's blood, there's guts, there's nudity.

Gonna have to face the facts.

I'm a terrible cook.

4 guys meet in hell. A Bodybuilder, a Muslim, a Buddhist monk, and an American.

Satan comes over, whip in hand, and says:


-Those who endure 10 whiplashes can go to Heaven, the rest will stay here in Hell!


The American glances at the bodybuilder and is about to argue when Satan interrupts him,


-Everyone can choose 1 thing to place at your back a...

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A truck driver was having a quiet drink at a Road House in the middle of nowhere when 4 bikies turned up.

They walked inside and had a look around to see the driver was the only one else in the bar. They walked directly up to him and without warning, started to beat the living shit out of him.

Eventually, they let him leave and they walk up to the bar to get a drink. The first one says to the bar...

Babies are born with 4 kidneys.

When they grow up, 2 of them turn into adult knees.

4 People On A Plane

A politician, a teacher, a student and the pilot himself, were all flying in a plane.

Sometime later, the pilot made an announcement that both engines on the plane had failed and the only option was to jump out of the plane.

He further told them that there were only three parachute b...

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A female class teacher was having a problem with a boy in her 3rd grade class. The boy said, "Madam, I should be in Grade 4. I am smarter than my sister & she's in Grade 4".

The Madam had heard enough and took the boy to the principal. The principal decided to test the boy with some questions from Grade 4.

Principal: What is 3+3?

Boy: 6.

Principal: 6+6.

Boy: 12.

The boy got all the questions right. The principal told the Madam to send ...

When does a pentagon have only 4 sides?

After intercepting with a plane

The teacher asked Little jimmy, “if I give you 4 cats today and 2 more tomorrow, how many cats will you have?” Little Jimmy said, “Seven” The teacher said, “no Jimmy, four plus two equals six. Why did you say seven?

Little Jimmy said, because I already have a cat!”

What rock group has 4 men who don't sing?

Mount Rushmore

From my 4 year old: What does a cake say when it gets into a fight?

You wanna piece of me?

What has 4 letters, sometimes 9 letters, but never has 5 letters.

Just a hint: I didn't ask a question.

4 million of these people...

### 4 million of these people enter our country every year. They are uneducated, unskilled, and contribute nothing. They are a burden to honest, hardworking Americans and our government is doing nothing to stop them, not to mention they're dirty and they smell bad. THEY DON'T EVEN SPEAK ENGLISH!!...

4 beer company CEOs walk into a bar

The CEO of Budweiser orders a Bud Light.

The CEO of Miller orders a Miller Light.

The CEO of Coors orders a Coors Light.

The CEO of Guinness orders a Coke.

The first three ask the CEO of Guinness why he didn't order a Guinness, to which he replied:

"I figured if yo...

There was a bus with 4 seats.

(Sorry for the poor construction of the joke. English is not my first language)

The conductor came in and began checking the tickets of the passengers.

He approached the lady sitting in the first seat. She didn't have a ticket. The conductor fined her 20$ even though the ticket cost 4...

Netflix announced it will be producing another 4 part docu-series on epilepsy

Don't miss the all new seiz'n

A girl tells her mother after school ‘Mum, I got a gold star today for reciting the whole alphabet! The rest of my class only knows 3 or 4 letters!

‘Well done darling’ the girl’s mother replies. ‘That’s because you’re blonde.’
After returning from school the next day the girl tells her mother ‘I am the smartest student in my maths class! I can count up to 15! Everyone else stopped at about 5’
‘Well done’ replies the mother again. ‘That’s ...

Why was the anti-vaxxer‘s 4 year old child crying?



Midlife crisis

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4 out of 5 physicians say that having an active sex life is normal.

So yes, we’re all very special.

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4 friends are hanging out

They’re recalling all the mischief they got into in school. The first one says i used smoke in the bathroom. The second one goes, well I lit off fireworks in class. The third one says that’s nothing, I rode my motorcycle through the hallways. The last one says, I’ve got you all beat, the principle c...

I saw 4 guys beating up 1 guy so i stopped to help...

He had no chance against all 5 of us.

Why were Star Wars episodes 4,5,6 released before 1,2,3?

Because in charge of planning, Yoda was.

4 former US Presidents are caught in a tornado

Four former U.S. Presidents are caught in a tornado, and off they spin to OZ.

After trials and tribulations, they finally make it to the Emerald City and come before the Great Wizard.

"WHAT BRINGS YOU BEFORE THE GREAT AND POWERFUL WIZARD OF OZ? WHAT DO YOU WANT?"

Jimmy Carter...

The average hotdog machine will have 547,500 wieners in it and catch 4,277 gallons of juice in its trap during its lifetime.

Just like your mother.

What has 4 legs and flies?

A dead horse.

I have 4 noses, 10 eyes, 20 legs, and 6 fingers, What am I?

Ugly

I was 16 minutes late for my first math lecture, 8 minutes late for the second, and 4 minutes late for the third.

At this rate, I’ll never be there on time.

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Did you know that there was 4 types of orgasms?

There’s the positive orgasm, negative orgasm, holy orgasm and the fake orgasm

The positive orgasm goes “Oh yes, ohh yess”,
the negative orgasm goes “Oh no, Ohh nooo”,
the holy orgasm goes “Oh God, ohh Godd”,
The fake orgasm goes “Oh •insert friends name•, ohh •insert friends name•...

What has 4 legs and an arm?

A dog with an arm in its mouth

When my daughter Ria turned 4, she was so crazy with happiness, I took her to the doctor who said:

Euphoria

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"Your sign outside says 3 strippers for 4.99... We talking topless or fully nude?"

"Sir this is Dominoes pizza. They're chicken strippers."

"Ok ok, now the price makes sense... How long is each dance?"

It only takes 4 inches to please a woman

And it doesn’t matter if it’s credit or debit

My 4-year-old nephew has been learning Spanish since lockdown.

He still can't say the word for "please" though, which I think is poor for four

4 construction workers are parched from working under the hot sun all day.

They have run out of bottled water and decide to knock on the door of the 1 house on the block that is finished and occupied. An old lady answers , they tell their story and she invited them in.

They sit at her kitchen table to ensure the sofa stays clean. She goes to the kitchen to gath...

Five secrets to Men’s happiness: 1. Find a woman who can make you laugh 2. Find a woman who can cook 3. Find a woman who really listens to you 4. Find a woman who is amazing in bed, and

5 Make sure these four women do not find out about each other

What do you call 4 emo friends?

Suicide Squad.

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Final question on who wants to be a millionaire. Host: When your wife goes to sleep, what does she wear? 1. Under garments. 2. Pyjama suit. 3. She sleeps naked. 4. Something sexy.

Contestant: I would like to phone a friend.

4 Mexicans drowning in quicksand...

quattro Cinco

My dad works for a company that focuses on the health of the lower 3/4 of the body, and yesterday he just became the CEO.

Now he's the Head of Shoulders, Knees, and Toes!

It's very important to not leave out the word "each." For example, when the price of 4 tacos is $2 vs $2 each, or

When you tell people that you and your sister each have a child

Set up by a 4 year old

True story. This morning my 4 year old granddaughter asked if I new what a baby jumper was. I told told her I didn’t know. So she grinned, began jumping up and down, and told me it’s a baby that jumps.

Bear with me. I didn’t realize her literal answer was just a set up.

She then asked ...

Why was 4 afraid of 3?

3 wanted to get even

4 catholic priests are sharing a private compartment on a train

They decided to confess their biggest flaw to each other.

The first priest confesses that he spends most of the church money on booze.

The second priest explains that he blows the church collection betting on horses.

The third priest confesses that he spends the church takings o...

Why couldn’t 4 get into the night club?

*Because 4 was 2***²**

My mom always wanted to name her kids with the 4 same letters. There's my two sisters Lana and Nala, and then there's me...

Alan.

My SUV needs all 4 tires replaced at a total cost of $800. That's more than the stimulus they gave us and so the wife freaked out a little.

I told her that it's no big deal and we can just rent a SUV for a day and it would only cost $50.

She said I was an idiot and that we would need an SUV for more then 24 hours.

Then I explained to her that it's more then enough time for me to swap the tires.

The Robinhood app has a rating of 4.7 stars in the app store.

But current market conditions prevent us from allowing investors to add new stars. You may only remove stars until conditions improve.

Me: I need 8 pills, 4 bags of weed, a couple of tabs of lsd, oceanic.

Dealer: Sure, although what do you mean by oceanic?

Me: Anagram of cocaine.

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What comes between 4 and 6?

A horny insomniac.

4 Engineers get in a car and the AC isn't working.

The mechanical engineer says, "the belt fan motor must not be working."

The electrical engineer says, "the fuse might be blown."

The chemical engineer says, "impurities in the gasoline."

The IT engineer says, "have you tried turning it off and on"

My 4 yr Old son said "Daddy, why do people make up things that their children have said for social media?

Isn't it just inherently dishonest and indicative of inability to construct a compelling narrative themselves? "




Ps: This sub in a nutshell

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Anybody interested in a free ride in a helicopter for 4 people? I'm still looking for 2 more adults to join me and my wife.

We leave early Saturday morning (Feb 6th) from New York and will fly to Boston , where we will have breakfast, then have lunch on a friend’s yacht.
Then we’ll do a flight along the coast, up to Cape Elizabeth returning to Boston for dinner, then fly back home. If interested, please message me. ...

Teacher: ”what is 4+2?”

Johnny: ”3!”

Teacher: ”Yes, you are right.”

4, 6, 8 & 9 have all been killed.

2, 3, 5, 7 & 11 are the prime suspects.

A Blonde went to buy a Pizza, Chef asked her, would you like it cut into 4 or 8 slices.?

Blonde replied, 4 please.

There is no way I could possibly eat 8 slices.

Why 2, 4, 6 went for a fight and lost?

It is because the odds are against them.

What do you call an octopus which is missing 4 and 6/7 legs?

An octo-pi

A fly loses his wings and 4 legs, what is he now?

A draggin fly

My parents have 4 TV remotes and I’m trying to figure out what they do.

I’m remote learning.

A 5 year old was asked to name any 4 sources of food

1. Plants
2. Animals
3. Uber Eats
4. Foodpanda

Boy aged 4: Dad, I’ve decided to get married.

Dad: Wonderful; do you have a girl in mind?!

Boy: Yes... grandma! She said she loves me, I love her, too....and she’s the best cook & story teller in the whole world!

Dad: That’s nice, but we have a small problem there!

Boy: What problem?!

Dad: She happens to be my m...

Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?

Me: Oh, that's when I went to Yale. Bit embarrassed about that.

Interviewer: Damn, embarassed about Yale? You're definitely hired!

Me: Thanks! I REALLY needed this yob.

Soooo my 4 year old nephew just told me this. He's a little nerd but it made me chuckle. Knock knock...

Who's there?

Cows go.

Cows go who?

No idiot... Cows go moo!

3 guys are on a boat with 4 cigarettes but nothing to light them with

So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat become one cigarette lighter

Why did the Star Wars movies come out in the order 4 5 6 1 2 3?

In charge of the sequence, Yoda was.

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4 Friends missed their final for Chemistry because they partied too hard.

Four friends in college taking chem were so confident going into the final that the weekend before finals week (even though the Chem final was on Monday), they decided to go up to UVirginia and party with some friends up there. So they did this and had a great time. However, with their hangovers and...

4 Monks are being chased by a Hungry Lion!

4 Monks are being chased by a Hungry Lion. As they run, they cry out to God yelling, "PLEASE LORD! CONVERT THIS LION TO BE A CHRISTIAN LION!"

They run until they reach a dead end.

They hungry lion approaches slowly, as they cry out louder:

"PLEASE LORD HEAR OUR PRAYERS AND CONVE...

America should go 4 years with no president after this term ends.

Taking some time to be single after an abusive relationship is really important.

My neighbour just banged on the wall at 4.20am, can you believe it!!? Luckilly I was still up playing music.

He banged and shouted ' can we have a little respect please!'

I shouted back..., 'I'm not a big Erasure fan, but ok this one's for you!'

I am a proud antivax parent of 4 children.

Edit: 3 children

Edit: 2

Edit: 1

What does 4 wheel drive and a high intellect have in common?

They both allow you to get stuck where others can’t pull you out.

I was at the courthouse today and witnessed a 4 foot tall felon go down a flight of stairs....

It was a little condescending.

My 4 year old nieces jokes:

Why did the lobster flush?
Because the sea weed.

Why did the tomato blush?
Because he saw the salad dressing.

What did the little flower say to the big flower?
Hi ya bud.

Knock knock.
Whose there?
Ice cream .
Ice cream who?
Ice cream so you can hear...

Romania won 4 Olympic medals this year in Tokyo. 3 of them are from either sweep or sculling.

They must have a high degree of row mania over there.

I tried telling my 4 year old nephew that it’s perfectly fine to accidentally poo your pants…

But he’s not buying it. In fact, he’s still making fun of me

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I have 4 big problems

1. My wife has been complaining that lately I’ve been moaning and orgasming furiously in my sleep, it apparently happens every night at this point.

2. I have Narcolepsy and it’s so bad that if I stay still in one spot for more then 10-15 minutes I’ll be out like a light.

3. My hair gro...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

1, 2, 3,4 I declare a thumb war

5,6,7,8 I use this hand to masterbate.

So a man walks into a coffee house late in the afternoon and asks for a tall drink with 4 shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk.

The barista looks at him lightly concerned and she says,

Are you sure sir? That’s a latte coffee.

A 4’6” woman walks into a matchmaking service…

A 4’6” (137cm) woman walks into a matchmaking service.

She says to the man behind the counter, “I’m really insecure about my height, so the only thing I’m looking for in a partner is that he’s shorter than me.”

The man replies, “You’ve got really low standards.”

.

[OC, ...

An airplane was about to crash. There were 4 passengers on board, but only 3 parachutes.



The 1st passenger said, 'I am Steph Curry, the best NBA basketball player. The Warriors and my millions of fans need me, and I can't afford to die.' So he took the 1st pack and left the plane.

The 2nd passenger, Donald Trump, said, 'I am the newly-elected US President, and I am the...

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I had sex for an hour and 4 minutes last night

Thank you daylight savings for helping me set a record.

What has 4 wheels and flies?

Garbage truck

I was a flat earther for 4 years

Then I turned 5

[Dad Jokes] 3 guys are on a boat with 4 cigarettes but nothing to light them with.

So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.



*Wow this blew up!! I didn't expect it to get so many upvotes! THANK YOU! I heard this joke from my friend today and I decided to share it with Reddit.*

*Thank you for the silver! First time receivi...

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4 years ago today, I shared the worst joke I ever created. Here it is again for those that missed it.

There are two identical twin brothers that live together. One happens to be a well-respected dentist, and the other can't seem to keep a job. Instead of actively looking for work, he likes to sit around at home. One Saturday, the dentist is hungry, and puts his brother on the spot. He tells him to g...

If you have 4 apples in one hand and 3 oranges in the other...

You should probably go back and get a basket

What has 16 legs, 4 antlers, 4 tails, and, if seen in action, will forever inhibit your ability to sleep?

A polygamoose.

My 4 year old came up with this one: How do you turn a fly into a mosquito?

With Magic.

“Queue” sounds like “q” followed by 4 silent letters, but…

They’re just waiting their turn.

My wife asked me to prepare our 4 year old ginger son for his first day at school.

So I punched him & stole his lunch money.

What 4 words don’t you want to hear when making love?

Hi honey! I’m home!

I saw an anti-vaxxers 4 year old son throwing a tantrum at the grocery store yesterday.

You can say he was having a midlife crisis

Today i got asked out by 4 girls!!!!!

i was in the women's bathroom

4 people are on a crashing plane, but there are only 3 parachutes.

The first person the grab a parachute is Brad Pitt and as he reachs for the door he says, "My family and my fans need me surely you will understand.", off he goes.

The next person to grab one is Donald Trump:
"Im the most intellegent president this nation ever saw i will do great things...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did Trump hold his press conference at the 4-seasons garden centre, between a sex shop and a crematorium?

Because he was between a cock and a charred place.

Happy 4/20!

What do you mean yesterday?

I want to buy Apple’s new monitor but I only have $4,000...

I can’t stand it!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Apparently as a 4-year old, Hitler was saved from drowning in the river Passau by a local priest.

Goes to show once more that a lot of problems would be solved if priests could just keep their hands off kids.

After the COVID-19 pandemic winds down, we should honor truck drivers with a national holiday on October 4th.

A big 10-4, if you will.

A joke my 4 year old came up with today...

Him: ‟What‘s the only mammal that can breathe under water?”

Me: ‟I dunno, what?”

Him (loudly): ‟An elephant sticking his trunk up!”

Celebrating 4/20

So today was 4/20 and me and my buddy met up to smoke one. After a lot of arguing and persuading we couldn't decide whose weed we should roll up first.

In the end we just decided on a joint venture.

4 stages of life....

1) You believe in Santa.

2) You don't believe in Santa.

3) You are Santa.

4) You look like Santa.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

4 Men at a bar discuss the most difficult sport to play. The first man, wide as a dishwasher and having huge muscles all over, says

“I’m a football player, it’s the hardest sport in the world to play! You’ve gotta be in top physical condition and have excellent situational awareness.”

The second man, an older gentleman wearing a collared shirt, says “Sorry champ, but the actual hardest sport to play is golf. Every swing o...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sex with 4 people is called a foursome

Sex with 3 people is called a threesome. No wonder some people are called handsome

The discriminatory ant colony banished all ants over 4 mm tall

They had no taller ants

I once fell in love with a girl that only knew 4 vowels

Unfortunately she didn't know I existed.

Children are born with 4 kidneys.

Upon maturity, 2 develop into adult knees.

A plane had 4 people

The pilot, a scientist, a kid and an old man.

The plane's engine began failing and the plane was falling.

There were 3 parachutes, of which the pilot took one.

The scientist said, "I am the smartest man in the world and I am taking a parachute,"

and he jumps off

Th...

My 4 year old daughters joke: What do you call a sleeping dinosaur?

A Dinosnore.

4 comrades go to a Soviet hotel for a night during a business trip...

As they walk into their room, 3 of them, whip out some vodka, food and cigarettes and begin to make jokes about the government and be very loud indeed. The 4th one is trying to get some meaningful sleep and knowing that it would be fruitless to ask them to stop, hatches an ingenious plan.
He goes...

4 Husbands

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation.

"He's a funeral director,"...

How do you keep people who ride 4-wheelers entertained?

A TV

4 Norse god, 1 Roman god, and 2 astronomical bodies walk into a bar

The bartender says " Oh, this is a gonna be a week joke"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

4 nuns die and go to heaven!

4 nuns die in a car accident and arrive outside the gates of Heaven. St. Peter greets them and says "I know that all of you have regularly attended confession and confessed to many sins, but as the Lord is all knowing, he is aware that there are some sins that all of you haven't yet confessed to and...

4 doctors from different countries go out for drink

A British doctor says: "In Britain, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's liver, put it in another man, and in 6 weeks, he is looking for a job."


The German doctor says: "That's nothing, in Germany we took part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he is looking for ...

I was a house painter for 4 years...

I never thought I'd get that house done.

I live under a 4 million dollar roof.

Bridges sure are expensive.

Plane with 5 passengers on board, Donald Trump, Boris Johnson, Angela Merkel, The Pope and a ten year old school boy. The plane is about to crash and there are only 4 parachutes.

Plane with 5 passengers on board, Donald Trump, Boris Johnson, Angela Merkel, The Pope and a ten year old school boy. The plane is about to crash and there are only 4 parachutes.

Trump said I need one. I’m the smartest man in the USA and am needed to sort out the problems of the World!’, take...

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