Why was 6 afraid of 7?

6 never did trust 7. Sure, they worked closely together, but 7 always seemed at odds with him. 6 always preferred the company of 4, a perfect 10 of a duo, even though 2 kept them apart.
But when it came to 7? 6 always summed it up to bad luck. Then, 6 found the truth.
6 respected 9, even thoug...

3 guys are on a boat with 4 cigarettes but nothing to light them with

…so they throw one cigarette off the boat to make the boat a cigarette lighter

A man stumbles upon a lamp on the beach, rubs it, and a genie comes out.

"I shall grant you three wishes- but keep in mind that anything you wish for, your mother-in-law will get the same, two-fold."

The man thinks. "OK. For my first wish, I'd like to have a villa with an ocean view."

The genie says "OK, but your mother-in-law will have two."

"That's...

Why did Star Wars 4,5 and 6 come before 1,2 and 3?

Because in charge of the schedule Yoda was

I live under a 4 million dollar roof.

Bridges sure are expensive.

I met a girl at a club the other night & she told me she'd show me a good time.

When we got outside, she ran a 40 yard dash in 4.8 seconds.

My calculus professor was late 16 minutes for his first class, 8 minutes late for the second, and 4 minutes for the third.

At this rate, he’ll never be in class on time.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

4 Former Classmates, who were great friends and who haven't seen each other in years meet at a restaurant

After a while of talking one asks: “So guys, how are your eldest sons doing?“ Another one excuses himself to the restroom.

So the first one starts to talk about his eldest son: “I couldn't complain. He is the Ceo of a big car manifacturer and makes good money. He even gifted his lover a Lambo...

4 people go on vacation together.

One of them speaks English, another speaks French, the third speaks Spanish , and the last speaks German. They see a crowd gathering in the street and go over to see what’s going on. There is a performer in the middle of the crowd. He notices that the four are struggling to see him so he stands on a...

I want to buy Apple’s new monitor but I only have $4,000...

I can’t stand it!

How to get ripped in 4 easy steps:

1. Stand on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.
2. Hold a 5-lb potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax. Each day you'll find that you can hold this po...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It's 4:58PM and there's a good chance the receptionist at work wants to have sex with me

Either way I'm getting off in 2 minutes

"Sir, I know you are having trouble typing in your password." "Please can we try again. Your password is capital A as in Apple, lowercase T as in Tom, the number 4, Q as in Cucumber... "

This is something I actually said during my call center days. The call screeners wouldn't let me forget for months.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So 4 Nuns die and go to the heaven...

They are met by the god himself at the pearly gates...



Looking at them the god says, "you have spent your entire life doing my work and spreading my message and therefore you may enter the gates of heaven, but before you do that, you must tell me right now if you have ever committed a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A 7 year old and a 4 year old are in their bedroom...

"You know what" says the 7 year old

" I think its time we start swearing. When we go down for breakfast i will swear first then you".

"Ok" Replies the 4 year old.

Mum asks the 7 year old what he wants for breakfast.

" I will have Coco pops,bitch"

WHACK, he flew out...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Having too much sex can cause memory loss"

I read that on page 37 in a medical journal on 29th of November 2006 at 4:19 PM.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Was in the pub a few months ago with my mate and these 4 huge bastards starting mouthing off at us.

"Pretend we're the Police" my mate said

I only got two lines into the first verse of Roxanne before they kicked the shit out of us.

“Queue” sounds like “q” followed by 4 silent letters, but…

They’re just waiting their turn.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

1. Cockadoodle 2. Yabba Dabba 3. Voo 4. Sea 5. Didgeri

My to doo list

Juan, a prison warden, decided a group of sikhs (4 or 5 of them) should be released for good behaviour.

The occasion was mentioned in the newspaper: “Juan to free four, five sikhs”
I’ll be here all week.

Was walking in front of my 4 year old daughter today who got me with this doozy today.

Daughter: Kock Kock!

Me: Who’s There?

Daughter: Impatient Cow!

Me: impatient Cow Who?

Daughter: MoOoooOoOOVE IT!

Me: **Proud moment**

What has 4 wheels and flies?

A Garbage truck.

What does someone who ate 4 mangoes say?

Ladies and gentlemen, this is mango number 5!

Only 4 fingers

My little daughter came to me all excited, saying, “Daddy! Daddy! Guess how old I’ll be in August!” I said, “Oh I don’t know princess, why don’t you tell me?” She gave me a huge smile and held up four fingers!
It’s now three hours later, the police are annoyed and she still won’t say where she...

I learned that Chernobyl Nuclear Plant has a 4.1 star rating on Google.

Apparently it would be more, but people ran out of fingers.

What has 4 legs and 1 arm?

A Rottweiler in a children's playground.

Joke from my 4 year old today

Son-Dad what did one hand say to the other?
Me-What bud?
Son-You sure do look handsome.


Followed by laughter and a full explanation of the joke.

When does a pentagon only have 4 sides?

When it intersects with a plane.

People ask where im gonna be in 4 months

I tell them i dont have 2020 vision

Why was the pirate army of 100 men at 4/5 strength?

They could only afford to arr matey

Saw a guy being beaten up by 4 dudes

I went to go help. He didn’t stand a chance against the 5 of us.

Joke from my 4 yr old this morning...

her: Knock knock!

me: Who's there?

her: Camel!

me: Camel who?

her: Silly, Camels don't say 'who' they say 'AAAHHHHHH!!!'

What did 4 tell 2 when he saw 8 acting like an idiot?

Don't worry, he's just a product of our times.

There's a type of mustard gas that stays near the ground and only kills people less than 4 feet tall.

It's used in chemical dwarfare.

4 people are on a crashing plane, but there are only 3 parachutes.

The first person the grab a parachute is Brad Pitt and as he reachs for the door he says, "My family and my fans need me surely you will understand.", off he goes.

The next person to grab one is Donald Trump:
"Im the most intellegent president this nation ever saw i will do great things...

I just ate 4 cans of alphabet soup.

I had the best vowel movement in years.

I watched 4 guys carry a coffin around a cemetery for an hour

Thought to myself, "well they've lost the plot"

What do you call 4 Mexicans in quicksand?

quatro sinko

If the average human can walk about 3 mph, and my local corner store is a 1/4 mile away

Why has it taken my dad 15 years to get a pack of cigarettes?

Insolence! Tonight my neighbor actually rang my bell at 4 o'clock in the morning!

I almost dropped the drilling machine.

Years ago, the average parents had 4 kids.

Now, the average kid has 4 parents.

My girlfriend wants me to tattoo "3:24pm" on my abdomen

I told her that would be a waist of time

4-year-old Daughter: "Dad, what's cremation?"

The dad not ready to introduce the concept of death to his daughter: "it's a... ... Barbeque..."

Things I do to annoy my wife...

1) Say 'bless yooou' in the same intonation as her 'Atchooo'

2) Sing "Little red corvette... the kind you find in a second-hand store"

3) Bring her an empty plate and say "Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!"

4) Leave a room, fart loudly, return as if nothing's h...

Betsy: If you have $2, and you ask your father for $4, how much money will you have?

Billy: Two dollars.
Betsy: You don't know your math.
Billy: You don't know my father.

I once fell in love with a girl who only knew 4 vowels.

**She didn’t know I existed.**

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bruce Willis passes away from a Viagra overdose on 4/20/2069

He picked a good day to die hard

Just left a cemetery where earlier I saw 4 men carrying a coffin. 3 hours later I saw the same men carrying the same coffin.

I thought to myself, they've lost the plot.

Why was the Anti-Vaxxer's 4 year old crying?

Midlife crisis

Why was Star Wars shot Episodes 4, 5, 6, then 1, 2, 3?

Because in charge of direction, Yoda was.

I spent 4 hours yesterday in a meeting talking about pumps,

was I ever drained near the end.

Did you know that 2 in 4 people...

Can’t reduce fractions?

A 4 y/o told me this one yesterday: I'm looking forward to the bees.

(evil grin) If they sting, they must die.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was diagnosed with constipation 4 times this week.......

Guess I don't give a shit anymore.

I just graduated from university and I'm only 4!

But I guess it's less impressive for those of you aware of factorials.

See you in 96 years when I make my next joke!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

4 years ago today, I shared the worst joke I ever created. Here it is again for those that missed it.

There are two identical twin brothers that live together. One happens to be a well-respected dentist, and the other can't seem to keep a job. Instead of actively looking for work, he likes to sit around at home. One Saturday, the dentist is hungry, and puts his brother on the spot. He tells him to g...

What's the difference between a 4 year old and 4 kilos of cocaine?

Eric Clapton would never let 4 kilos of cocaine fall out of a 49th-story window.

My 4.5 year old made up his first joke today. What do you call a girl who delivers things?

Dolivia.

My 4 year old cane up with this one. Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?

Because they lack toes.

If 4 is a foursome, 3 is a Threesome, and 2 is a Twosome...

I guess that's why the call me handsome.

My 4 year old nephew just came up with this joke and proceeded to laugh for 20 minutes after saying it...

When Batman cracks a joke...
He becomes the joker

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why musicians start on 1-2-3-4 while dancers start on 5-6-7-8?

Because those twats are always late.

I just read that 4,213,257 people got married laat year.

I don't want to start any trouble, but shouldn't that be an even number?

What has 4 letters , sometimes has 9 letters, but never has 5 letters.

Just a hint: I didn't ask a question

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

4 guys are hanging out together. Larry gets up and says “hey did you know 1 in 4 guys are gay”

John gets up and says, “I hope it’s chuck, he’s really cute”

The doctor gave me 4 months to live, so I shot him.

Judge gave me 20 years. Problem solved.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

4 nuns arrive at the Pearly Gates of Heaven...

St. Peter is there to meet them with a bowl of Holy Water.

St. Peter goes up to the first nun and says, "Have you ever touched a penis?"

The first nun responds, "Yes I have. I have touched a penis with the tip of my finger."

St. Peter holds out the bowl and says, "Dip your finge...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One morning two brothers, 4 and 6, decide they are old enough to start cursing...

The younger asks his brother, "What should we say?"

"You say ass, and I'll say hell," replies the elder of the two.

Walking down stairs their mother asks them what they would like for breakfast.

"Oh hell," replies the elder, "I'll have some Cheerios."

Their mother loses ...

What 4 letter word for a certain special classification of women ends in UNT?

AUNT

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Apparently as a 4-year old, Hitler was saved from drowning in the river Passau by a local priest.

Goes to show once more that a lot of problems would be solved if priests could just keep their hands off kids.

4 beer company CEOs walk into a bar

The CEO of Budweiser orders a Bud Light.

The CEO of Miller orders a Miller Light.

The CEO of Coors orders a Coors Light.

The CEO of Guinness orders a Coke.

The first three ask the CEO of Guinness why he didn't order a Guinness, to which he replied:

"I figured if yo...

Why do elephants have 4 feet?

Because 6 inches would look ridiculous.

I asked a German kid “Does 4+5=10?”

He said “NEIN!”

What’s green, fuzzy, has 4 legs and can kill you if it falls out a tree?

A pool table

Just 4 old ladies taking a drive...

A State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself “this driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!” So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are four old ladies — the three passengers are wide eyed and white a...

It's been 4 years since my job interview.

I'm beginning to suspect they chose someone else.

Why didn’t the number 4 go skydiving?

Because he’s two squared

My ex-girlfriend's father, a 6'4" retired marine, angrily banged on my door last week.

I opened it and he said, "My daughter came back home crying and penniless because of you!"

"Sir?" I asked.

"When you told me she was old enough to move out of our house, I was skeptical..."

"Yes, sir"

"But you talked to me man to man, looked me in the eye and told me you ...

4 out of 5 people admit they pee in the shower

The other 1/5 are liars

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The 4 year old and the 7 year old

There was two brothers. One was 4 and one was 7. One night the older brother said to the younger one "I believe that we are old enough to swear now. In The morning we will both say a swear word to mum. Ill go first then you do it." The little brother agreed to this.

The next morning the mom a...

If you ever miss 4:20 just wait untill 4:22 because...

4:22 is 4:20 too.

Do you know what today is?

10-4 good buddy.

The joke is only good once a year so I might as well post it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

At age 4, success is not peeing in your pants. At age 12, success is having friends. At Age 16, success is having a driver's license. At age 20, success is having sex. At age 35, success is having money.

At age 50, success is having money.

At age 60, success is having sex.

At age 70, success is having a driver's license.

At age 75, success is having friends.

At age 80, success is not peeing in your pants.

If anyone ever figured out my secret 4-digit code, I'd be screwed! They'd have my bank pin #, phone unlock code, front door lock code...

...they'd even know my birth year!

Do you have any two-watt, 4-volt bulbs?

Sales Rep: For what? 

Customer: No, two. 

Sales Rep: Two what? 

Customer: Yes. 

Sales Rep: No.

Why did 4 think that -1 and 0 were his saviors?

Because Minus One and Zero Want To Free Four

Grandpa: What has 4 legs, but isn't alive ?

Boy: A chair, haha, nice try gran-

Grandpa - it's your dog. He's dead Jimmy.

Why did 4 not watch horror movies?

It's was 2 squared!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

4 Nuns are waiting at the gates of heaven to meet St. Peter.

St. Peter says to them “Sisters, welcome to heaven. In a moment I will let you all through the pearly gates, but before I may do that, I must ask each of you a single question.”

St. Peter turns to the first Nun in the line and asks her “Sister, have you ever touched a penis?” The Sister Respo...

Dad what is an alcoholic? well son do you see those 4 cars in front of us? An alcoholic would see 8 cars.

But dad, there are only 2..

So there were 4 people on a private jet

Oprah Winfrey, Donald trump, Barack obama, and this little girl.

In the middle of there flight, the engine shuts down and and there going to crash.

So Oprah Winfrey says “the world needs me” and grabs a parachute and jumps off.

Then Donald trump grabs a parachute and jumps off ...

What's the difference between a 4 year girl and a 40 year old woman?

A 4 year old's favorite toy is a rubber body without any genitals. A 40 year old's favorite toy is a rubber genital without any body.

4 Kids were late to class...

I've never seen thus joke here on Reddit at all so I thought I'd guve it a try. This has been told to me by friends and family in the past.

There were a few kids late to class and the teacher was wondering why they were late, here's how it went down:

Teacher: Hello Asam, why are you la...

I told my wife I'd buy her something that goes fro 0 - 200 in 4 seconds...

... I bought her a weighing scale... She wasn't too excited!?

The calorific value of gasoline is so high that 2.4 litres of it will power you for the rest of your life..

The whole 48 hours of it.

Weed Joke for 4/20

Don't walk on the grass. Trip on it

What's the one thing that could get more news coverage than 4 years of Trump running for President?

4 minutes of Trump running *as* President.

A friend of mine, a mother of 4 refused to get her children vaccinated.

Edit : Mother of three..

Edit2 : Mother of two...

Edit3 : Mother of one.....

Edit4 : Mo.. Wait..

Vin Diesel lives his life 1/4 Mile at a time, I live mine 1/4 Tank at a time.

Help me I’m barely making ends meet here.

Buying a horse

A young man named Dave bought a horse from a farmer for $250. The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day. The next day, the farmer drove up to Dave's house and said, ‘Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died.’

Dave replied, ‘Well, then just give me my money back.’

T...

Mathematician stoners don't celebrate 4/20

They already celebrated 1/5

Rumor is that Toy Story 4 will focus on

Andy's mother's toys, which coincidentally are called Woody and Buzz too.

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