There was a bus with 4 seats.

(Sorry for the poor construction of the joke. English is not my first language)

The conductor came in and began checking the tickets of the passengers.

He approached the lady sitting in the first seat. She didn't have a ticket. The conductor fined her 20$ even though the ticket cost 4...

A girl tells her mother after school ‘Mum, I got a gold star today for reciting the whole alphabet! The rest of my class only knows 3 or 4 letters!

‘Well done darling’ the girl’s mother replies. ‘That’s because you’re blonde.’
After returning from school the next day the girl tells her mother ‘I am the smartest student in my maths class! I can count up to 15! Everyone else stopped at about 5’
‘Well done’ replies the mother again. ‘That’s ...

My 4-year-old nephew has been learning Spanish since lockdown.

He still can't say the word for "please" though, which I think is poor for four

4 former US Presidents are caught in a tornado

Four former U.S. Presidents are caught in a tornado, and off they spin to OZ.

After trials and tribulations, they finally make it to the Emerald City and come before the Great Wizard.

"WHAT BRINGS YOU BEFORE THE GREAT AND POWERFUL WIZARD OF OZ? WHAT DO YOU WANT?"

Jimmy Carter...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Your sign outside says 3 strippers for 4.99... We talking topless or fully nude?"

"Sir this is Dominoes pizza. They're chicken strippers."

"Ok ok, now the price makes sense... How long is each dance?"

4, 6, 8 & 9 have all been killed.

2, 3, 5, 7 & 11 are the prime suspects.

It's very important to not leave out the word "each." For example, when the price of 4 tacos is $2 vs $2 each, or

When you tell people that you and your sister each have a child

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

4 Friends missed their final for Chemistry because they partied too hard.

Four friends in college taking chem were so confident going into the final that the weekend before finals week (even though the Chem final was on Monday), they decided to go up to UVirginia and party with some friends up there. So they did this and had a great time. However, with their hangovers and...

Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?

Me: Oh, that's when I went to Yale. Bit embarrassed about that.

Interviewer: Damn, embarassed about Yale? You're definitely hired!

Me: Thanks! I REALLY needed this yob.

Trump has done in 4 years what 80% of presidents fail to do in 8 years

Lose an election.

I have 4 legs 3 eyes and 4 noses what am i

ugly

Why was the anti-vaxxer‘s 4 year old child crying?

Midlife crisis

What has 4 letters, sometimes 9 letters, but never has 5 letters.

Just a hint: I didn't ask a question.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

4 types of orgasm...

Do you know that there are 4 types of orgasm… the Holy Orgasm, The Positive Orgasm, the Negative Orgasm and the Fake Orgasm.
The Holy Orgasm sounds like ‟Oh God, oh god…”
The Positive Orgasm goes ‟Yes, yes, oh yes, ”
The Negative Orgasm goes ‟no, no, oh no”
and the fake orgasm, the fa...

4 Monks are being chased by a Hungry Lion!

4 Monks are being chased by a Hungry Lion. As they run, they cry out to God yelling, "PLEASE LORD! CONVERT THIS LION TO BE A CHRISTIAN LION!"

They run until they reach a dead end.

They hungry lion approaches slowly, as they cry out louder:

"PLEASE LORD HEAR OUR PRAYERS AND CONVE...

The Robinhood app has a rating of 4.7 stars in the app store.

But current market conditions prevent us from allowing investors to add new stars. You may only remove stars until conditions improve.

4 men are in the hospital waiting rooms, because their wives are having babies.

A nurse goes up to the first guy and says, “Congratulations, you’re a father of twins.”

The man says, “That’s a crazy coincidence, because I work for the Minnesota Twins.”

The nurse says to the second guy, “Congratulations, you’re the father of triplets.”

The man says, “That’s...

How do you keep people who ride 4-wheelers entertained?

A TV

3 guys are on a boat with 4 cigarettes, but no lighter

So one of the guys throws a cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.

My 4 year old came up with this one: How do you turn a fly into a mosquito?

With Magic.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Anybody interested in a free ride in a helicopter for 4 people? I'm still looking for 2 more adults to join me and my wife.

We leave early Saturday morning (Feb 6th) from New York and will fly to Boston , where we will have breakfast, then have lunch on a friend’s yacht.
Then we’ll do a flight along the coast, up to Cape Elizabeth returning to Boston for dinner, then fly back home. If interested, please message me. ...

I was a house painter for 4 years...

I never thought I'd get that house done.

My SUV needs all 4 tires replaced at a total cost of $800. That's more than the stimulus they gave us and so the wife freaked out a little.

I told her that it's no big deal and we can just rent a SUV for a day and it would only cost $50.

She said I was an idiot and that we would need an SUV for more then 24 hours.

Then I explained to her that it's more then enough time for me to swap the tires.

My 4 yr Old son said "Daddy, why do people make up things that their children have said for social media?

Isn't it just inherently dishonest and indicative of inability to construct a compelling narrative themselves? "




Ps: This sub in a nutshell

Happy 4/20!

What do you mean yesterday?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I had sex for an hour and 4 minutes last night

Thank you daylight savings for helping me set a record.

Celebrating 4/20

So today was 4/20 and me and my buddy met up to smoke one. After a lot of arguing and persuading we couldn't decide whose weed we should roll up first.

In the end we just decided on a joint venture.

Why didn't 4 ask out 5?

Because she was 2²

Teacher: ”what is 4+2?”

Johnny: ”3!”

Teacher: ”Yes, you are right.”

What's got 4 wheels and flies

A garbage truck

The discriminatory ant colony banished all ants over 4 mm tall

They had no taller ants

It only takes 4 inches to please a woman

And it doesn’t matter if it’s credit or debit

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sex with 4 people is called a foursome

Sex with 3 people is called a threesome. No wonder some people are called handsome

My neighbour just banged on the wall at 4.20am, can you believe it!!? Luckilly I was still up playing music.

He banged and shouted ' can we have a little respect please!'

I shouted back..., 'I'm not a big Erasure fan, but ok this one's for you!'

A plane had 4 people

The pilot, a scientist, a kid and an old man.

The plane's engine began failing and the plane was falling.

There were 3 parachutes, of which the pilot took one.

The scientist said, "I am the smartest man in the world and I am taking a parachute,"

and he jumps off

Th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

4 nuns die and go to heaven!

4 nuns die in a car accident and arrive outside the gates of Heaven. St. Peter greets them and says "I know that all of you have regularly attended confession and confessed to many sins, but as the Lord is all knowing, he is aware that there are some sins that all of you haven't yet confessed to and...

In honor of those who have forgotten 4/20

Fret not, cause today is 420 too! Happy earth day

Couldn't make the most out of 4/20?

Just wait for 4/22 because it's 4/20 too.

This morning I ran about 4.5 miles in just 17 minutes

Why can't people keep their large size dogs chained???

I saw an anti-vaxxers 4 year old son throwing a tantrum at the grocery store yesterday.

You can say he was having a midlife crisis

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

4 Men at a bar discuss the most difficult sport to play. The first man, wide as a dishwasher and having huge muscles all over, says

“I’m a football player, it’s the hardest sport in the world to play! You’ve gotta be in top physical condition and have excellent situational awareness.”

The second man, an older gentleman wearing a collared shirt, says “Sorry champ, but the actual hardest sport to play is golf. Every swing o...

Why do koi fish always travel in groups of 4?

So the A koi, the B koi, and the C koi can escape, because they know the predator will always go after the D koi.

4 kids are at a party on sunday night

They wake up on Monday morning, and knowing they wouldn’t be back in time to take a test, they emailed the professor and told him that they had a flat tire. The professor responded “ok, you can take the test tomorrow”

The next day the kids are at school. The professor says “you all have to ta...

How do you make 4 nice old ladies say "f*ck!"?

Have the fifth shout "bingo!"

There’s 4 different types of human skin

One skin, two skin, three skin and...

From my 4 year old: "Dad, i just realized why these things are called nappies..."

" ...because its like a napkin for your pee, so its called na-pee!"

(proud dad moment)

4 doctors from different countries go out for drink

A British doctor says: "In Britain, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's liver, put it in another man, and in 6 weeks, he is looking for a job."


The German doctor says: "That's nothing, in Germany we took part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he is looking for ...

What 4 words don’t you want to hear when making love?

Hi honey! I’m home!

Did you know the most tragic event where 1/4 of the human population died?

Apparently, it happened when Abel was murdered.

Why shouldn't you have 4 doors on a chicken coupe?

Because if you did it would be a chicken sedan.

My damn cat kept me up until 4:00 AM videoconferencing with his friends!

He had the Zoomies!

Nelson was 5ft 4". His statue on top of the column in London is 18ft.

Thats Horatio of about 3:1

I went to Dunkin Donuts and ordered 4 blueberry donuts and the cashier asked if I wanna box....

...I've been banned for life from that shop.

I was 16 minutes late for my first math lecture, 8 minutes late for the second, and 4 minutes late for the third.

At this rate, I’ll never be there on time.

In Ancient Rome, there were 4 types of poison. Poisons I, II, and III would all kill you with varying degrees of pain.

However, Poison IV would just make you really itchy.

True story. Chicago-area preschool teacher teaching remotely today because of the storms. Her dogs started barking like crazy, interrupting the Zoom. She looked out her window and told/apologized to the class that the shovelers were there. 4 year old classmate replies,

“Wow, your shovelers sound like dogs!”

Been laughing at that one all day.

I was a flat earther for 4 years

Then I turned 5

America should go 4 years with no president after this term ends.

Taking some time to be single after an abusive relationship is really important.

I've been doing my psychology PhD thesis on the mental health and wellbeing of little people. After 4 long years and multiple studies, I've concluded...

6 out of 7 dwarves aren't Happy.

A joke my 4 year old came up with today...

Him: ‟What‘s the only mammal that can breathe under water?”

Me: ‟I dunno, what?”

Him (loudly): ‟An elephant sticking his trunk up!”

Error 4:04

Sleep not found

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did Trump hold his press conference at the 4-seasons garden centre, between a sex shop and a crematorium?

Because he was between a cock and a charred place.

When i was a kid, you could go into a store with a dollar and walk out with a soda, 4 candy bars, chips, and some gum...

But now, they have security cameras everywhere

[not my joke, I got it from somewhere just don't remember where, and it's provably unfunny but it made me laugh a lil]

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Today I saw a kid getting his ass beat by 4 other kids, so I decided to help.

He had no chance against all 5 of us.

4 beer company CEOs walk into a bar

The CEO of Budweiser orders a Bud Light.

The CEO of Miller orders a Miller Light.

The CEO of Coors orders a Coors Light.

The CEO of Guinness orders a Coke.

The first three ask the CEO of Guinness why he didn't order a Guinness, to which he replied:

"I figured if yo...

My 4 year old daughters joke: What do you call a sleeping dinosaur?

A Dinosnore.

Obi Wan: “Yoda, why did the Star Wars movies come out 4,5,6,1,2,3

Yoda: “In charge of scheduling I was”

What rock group has 4 guys who don’t sing?

Mount Rushmore...

An airplane was about to crash. There were 4 passengers on board, but only 3 parachutes.



The 1st passenger said, 'I am Steph Curry, the best NBA basketball player. The Warriors and my millions of fans need me, and I can't afford to die.' So he took the 1st pack and left the plane.

The 2nd passenger, Donald Trump, said, 'I am the newly-elected US President, and I am the...

There was a fight yesterday, with 2 and 8 on one side, and 4 and 6 on another.

It was an even battlefield.

4 Husbands

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation.

"He's a funeral director,"...

Why is 4 always timid?

It's just two squared.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The teacher asks all students of her class to learn 4 clauses before the next class next day.

Amit goes to his busy dad and says

Amit : Daddy Daddy. Can you please tell me a clause?

Dad : Shut up

Amit : Thank you Daddy

Next, Amit goes to his mom who is busy cleaning trash.

Amit : Mommy Mommy, Can you please tell me a clause?

Mom : Trash

Am...

Boy aged 4: Dad, I’ve decided to get married.

Dad: Wonderful; do you have a girl in mind?!

Boy: Yes... grandma! She said she loves me, I love her, too....and she’s the best cook & story teller in the whole world!

Dad: That’s nice, but we have a small problem there!

Boy: What problem?!

Dad: She happens to be my m...

4 stages of life....

1) You believe in Santa.

2) You don't believe in Santa.

3) You are Santa.

4) You look like Santa.

Yesterday, 4 women asked me out

I went in the wrong restroom

Soooo my 4 year old nephew just told me this. He's a little nerd but it made me chuckle. Knock knock...

Who's there?

Cows go.

Cows go who?

No idiot... Cows go moo!

Children are born with 4 kidneys.

Upon maturity, 2 develop into adult knees.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The 4 rules of plumbing

Payday is Friday

Shit flows downhill

The boss is an ass

Don't chew your fingernails

What did 8 say to 4...?

I don’t know if this joke has been done before, English is not my native language, but I thought of this myself (I think)
Here it goes:

What did 8 say to 4 after her blind date with 3?
- Well, he seems to be in his prime, but he is also a little odd. I‘ve set you up on a blind date and ...

Today i got asked out by 4 girls!!!!!

i was in the women's bathroom

An alien lands today...Nov. 4, 2020

Alien: Take me to your leader

Me: Your going to have to wait 10-12 business days for us to sort that out.

Took me 4 times the usual to milk a cow today.

He only had one udder, which was strange.

I am a proud antivax parent of 4 children.

Edit: 3 children

Edit: 2

Edit: 1

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

4 nuns died in a car crash.

St. Peter greets them at the pearly gates, and says ‟The only reason you're not already inside is because you have sinned and never confessed. This is your amnesty, if you have a confession, now's the time.”

The first nun was very hesitant but finally stepped forward. ‟I saw a man's penis on...

My wife asked me to prepare our 4 year old ginger son for his first day at school.

So I punched him & stole his lunch money.

Grandpa: what has 4 legs but isn’t alive?

Little Timmy: haha it’s a chair nice try gra-

Grandpa:it’s your dog Timmy he’s dead

Teacher: What's 4 + 5?

Marcus: I don't know

Teacher: You should focus on your studies

Marcus: Who's John?

Teacher: Who is John?

Marcus: You should focus on your wife

If Hannibal Lecter ran a 4.3 40

The NFL would just say he has an eating disorder

Deadass spent 4 hours doing a project on youth in Asia

then found out it was supposed to be on euthanasia.

4 blondes were hiking in a forest.

4 blondes were hiking in a forest when they were caught by the forest tribe.

All of them were brought before the chief. The chief looked at them and said “All of you will be sacrificed to appease our goddess who will then bless us with rain.”

The 4 blondes started crying loudly and ple...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I tried to explain to my 4-year-old son that it's perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants,

but he's still making fun of me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Tommy was 4 when his little brother was born. Tommy was pissed.

His life was suddenly turned upside down. Everyone was too busy doting on little Timmy to notice him anymore, everyone was like "Timmy this, Timmy that, Timmy's the best kid ever". Even his parents seemed to have forgotten about him. Tommy began to go deep into depression, but nobody seemed to care,...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

4 Horny men in are in a prison cell.

A Rapist, Necro, Psycho and a Sadist .

Rapist : If there was a cat here , I'd fuck it till it gets weak.

Psycho : Once you done , I'd fuck it to death.

Necro : oh yeaah! , once it's dead , i
I'd fuck it till I die.

The Sadist in the corner very softly: meooooww (uWu)

What’s the difference been a hardworking, caring, mother of 4, and a terrorist?

You can negotiate with a terrorist

A man asks a farmer near a field, “Sorry sir, would you mind if I crossed your field instead of going around it? You see, I have to catch the 4:23 train.”

The farmer says, “Sure, go right ahead. And if my bull sees you, you’ll even catch the 4:11 one.”

People think that “queue” is just “q” followed by 4 silent letters

But those letters aren’t silent.

They’re just waiting their turn.

What car do people with 4 divorces drive?

Audi

I've been spending the vast majority of my time completely alone over the last 4 months...

I don't think I'm going crazy, but my imaginary friend tells me I may have a drinking problem.

[Dad Jokes] 3 guys are on a boat with 4 cigarettes but nothing to light them with.

So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.



*Wow this blew up!! I didn't expect it to get so many upvotes! THANK YOU! I heard this joke from my friend today and I decided to share it with Reddit.*

*Thank you for the silver! First time receivi...

What do you get when 4 redditors meet for a sleepover?

A four-poster bed

What is the difference when a group of republicans scream for Trump to have "4 more years" and when a group of democrats scream it?

The republicans are saying it during his election, the democrats are saying it during his sentencing.

A doctor has an appointment

A doctor has an appointment with 3 of his crazy patient to see if they are doing any better.

He asks the first one: "3 times 4 ?"

"1484"

Wrong. Disappointed, he asks the second one the same thing: "3 times 4 ?"

"Wednesday"

Wrong again, he asks the same thing to the...

A person in a lab coat places a glass half-filled with a yellow liquid in front of 4 people.

Immediately, the first person pipes up, "Ah, I see the glass is half full!" This person is an optimist.

The second person states, "Naw man, why would he bring us a half-full glass? He obviously drank some. It's now half empty." This person is a pessimist.

The third person scoffs, "Why ...

After the COVID-19 pandemic winds down, we should honor truck drivers with a national holiday on October 4th.

A big 10-4, if you will.

First 4 letters of Nevada is Neva

In case you were wondering when they would finish

Plane with 5 passengers on board, Donald Trump, Boris Johnson, Angela Merkel, The Pope and a ten year old school boy. The plane is about to crash and there are only 4 parachutes.

Plane with 5 passengers on board, Donald Trump, Boris Johnson, Angela Merkel, The Pope and a ten year old school boy. The plane is about to crash and there are only 4 parachutes.

Trump said I need one. I’m the smartest man in the USA and am needed to sort out the problems of the World!’, take...

Who's the only soldier who doesn't have to give a salute to a 4-star general as he passes, and can give an order to that general and be absolutely certain that it will be carried out immediately?

A bomb tech specialist at a dead run.

4 Norse god, 1 Roman god, and 2 astronomical bodies walk into a bar

The bartender says " Oh, this is a gonna be a week joke"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Adulthood gives you 4 rights that you don't enjoy as a minor.

The powers are:

1. The right to drink
2. The right to drive
3. The right to vote
4. The right to fuck

But the catch is that you can only legally exercise one right at a time.

Drinking while driving, illegal.
Voting while fucking, DEFINITELY illegal.

Let's try ...

I remember when I was a kid, you could go to a store with $1 and buy 2 bags of chips, a large pop, 4 candy bars, and a pack of big league chew!

Nowadays they have cameras everywheres.

4 comrades go to a Soviet hotel for a night during a business trip...

As they walk into their room, 3 of them, whip out some vodka, food and cigarettes and begin to make jokes about the government and be very loud indeed. The 4th one is trying to get some meaningful sleep and knowing that it would be fruitless to ask them to stop, hatches an ingenious plan.
He goes...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

4 years ago today, I shared the worst joke I ever created. Here it is again for those that missed it.

There are two identical twin brothers that live together. One happens to be a well-respected dentist, and the other can't seem to keep a job. Instead of actively looking for work, he likes to sit around at home. One Saturday, the dentist is hungry, and puts his brother on the spot. He tells him to g...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A 7 year-old and a 4 years-old are in their bedroom. “You know what, I think it’s time we started swearing. When we go downstairs for breakfast, I’ll swear first, then you” says the 7 year old. “OK” says the 4 year-old. Mum asks the 7 year-old what he wants for breakfast. “I’ll have Frosties, bitch”

WHACK, he flew out the chair crying his eyes out. Mum looks at the 4 year-old and said sternly! “And what do you want?”

He says “Don’t know, but it won’t be fucking Frosties”

Today, in honor of 4/20, I'm letting my entire custodial staff partake before they come to work.

It's the only day I'll tolerate high maintenance people.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, "Johnny! what are 4, 2, 28 and 44?"

Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!"

I want to buy Apple’s new monitor but I only have $4,000...

I can’t stand it!

I go to the store and buy 4 bags of chips and 6 sodas, if I eat 3 bags of chips and drinks 5 sodas what do I have?

No self-control.

Doctors say 4 out of 5 people suffer with diarrhea

That means one guy likes it.

What's the difference between 4-layer toilet paper and a liberal arts major?

You don't find 4-layer toilet paper at McDonalds!

The music group 4 Non Blondes are now the 3 Non Blondes.

The 4th one dyed.

4 people are on a crashing plane, but there are only 3 parachutes.

The first person the grab a parachute is Brad Pitt and as he reachs for the door he says, "My family and my fans need me surely you will understand.", off he goes.

The next person to grab one is Donald Trump:
"Im the most intellegent president this nation ever saw i will do great things...

There was a video caught on camera of a man who actually ate 4 of his toes

Needless to say, it was very shaky Footage.

What's green, has 4 legs, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?

A pool table.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I’m a special education teacher. We do a joke of the day. A student made this up and told the class: What did the 2 say to the 4?

You’re a cunt.

Still cracks me up whenever I think about riz

“Donner party of 4? Hello? Donner party of 4?”

[indistinct]

“Okay, Donner party of 3, right this way.”

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