An old man used to call his wife "mother of six" since they had 6 children and this nickname kinda annoyed her

"Mother of six, could you bring my coffe?" He would yell to her from the living room.

"Mother of six, is dinner ready?" He would say every night just to mess with her, as he laughed.

She was becoming really angry at him because of this unwanted nickname, until Thanksgiving, where the ...

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This Scottish bloke goes on a skiing holiday to Canada. After a hard day on the slopes, he retires to a bar at the bottom of the mountain. After about five or six whiskeys, he looks up and notices a stuffed animal with antlers on the wall...

He asks the bartender, "What the fuck is that?"

The bartender replies, "It's a moose."

The Scottish chap shouts back, "Fuck me! How big are the cats?"

A dog wearing spurs, two six shooters and a vest hobbles in through a saloons double swinging doors

He hops on a bar stool and says I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.

We all know why six was afraid of seven. Why was ten afraid?

He was in the middle of 9/11.

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God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day.

He inquired, 'Where have you been?'
God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, 'Look, Michael. Look what I've made.'
Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, 'What is it?'
'It's a planet,' replied God, 'and I've put Life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's...

How many nuclear engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Seven. One to install the new bulb, and six to figure out where to store the old one for the next 10,000 years.

I got mugged by six dwarves last night...

Not Happy.

A wife asks her husband, “Could you please go shopping for me and buy 1 carton of milk, and if they avacados, get six.”

A short time later the husband returns with six cartons of milk.
“Why did you buy six cartons of milk?” the wife asks.
He replies, “They had avacados.”

I have six kids...

I have six kids, but my pullout game is still stronger than Brexit.

I have six eyes, two mouths and three ears, what am I ?

Ugly.

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A man walks into a bar with a loaded six-shot revolver. He yells: "Which one of you bastards slept with my sister?"

One man laughs and replies: "You ain't got enough bullets!"

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There's a forest, and in this forest is a river and hovering above this river is a fly and and looking at this fly is a fish and the fish is looking at this fly and is thinking: you know what, that fly drops six inches, i'm gonna go up there, get that fly and have myself a really nice meal.

What the fish didn't realize was that there was a bear looking at the fish looking at the fly. The bear is thinking: you know what, that fly drops six inches, that fish gets that fly and i'm gonna go in then get that fish i'm gonna have myself a really nice meal.

What the bear didn't reali...

I threw a boomerang six years ago and it never came back.

Now I live in constant fear.

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The Six Lessons of Life

**Lesson 1:**

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give yo...

Muslim Band

I went to see a Muslim Tribute band last night at a Mosque.

They were called "Bomb Jovi" and I thought they were brilliant.

They performed songs like: "Losing my Head over You", "Rocket Launcher Man", "You're Six, you're Beautiful, and you're Mine".

Their last song "Living on...

Six dwarfs were in a hot tub feeling happy...

So happy got out.

Why was six afraid of seven? Because seven ate nine. But why did seven eat nine?

Because you’re supposed to eat three squared meals a day.

A man's wife sent him to the store. "Get a gallon of milk and if they have avacodos, get six."

The man returns with six gallons of milk.

"Why did you get six gallons of milk?"

"They had avacodos."

Not bragging, but I made six figures last year,

so they named me the year's worst employee at the toy factory.

Good evening welcome to the six o'clock news

Our top story today, convicted hitman confessed today that he was once hired to beat a cow to death in a rice field, using only two small porcelain figures.

Police admit this may be the first known case of a knick knack paddy whack.

Five-six professor

Friend : Hey Tim , How are you? I haven't seen you
in years. How have you been ? What are
you doing?

Me : I am a Five-six professor at the University

Friend: The what professor?

Me : Five-six professor

Friend: I've never heard such a s...

Six guys were playing poker when Smith loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table.

Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing up.

Sam looks around and asks, "Now, who is going to tell the wife?"

They draw straws. Lester, who is always a loser, picks the short one.

They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't...

Why did Michael Jackson love twenty six year olds?

Because there were twenty of them.

Six reasons not to play russian roulette.

The fifth one will blow your mind!

I love my six-pack.

It's no wonder I protect it with a thick layer of fat.

A woman who is 3 months pregnant falls into a deep coma. Six months later she awakes, and asks the doctor about her baby...

Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl, they’re both fine. Luckily, your brother was here to name them for you

Woman: Oh no! Not my brother, he’s an idiot! What did he name the girl?

Doctor: Denise

Woman: Well that isn’t so bad, and what did he name the boy?

Doctor: Den...

What do you drive in the fall?

An Autumn-mobile.

I came up with this when I was six :)

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My six year old nephew just told me this joke... Why does a a duck have feathers?

To cover its butt quack.

What's six inches long, two inches wide, and drives a woman crazy?

Money

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(The joke from "The Breakfast Club" that was never finished.) A naked woman walks into a bar with a female poodle under one arm and a six-foot salami under the other.

The bartender says, "I suppose you won't be needing a drink," to which the woman responds, "I sure as hell do, after what happened to me." The bartender, of course, asks what happened, and the woman says, "My boyfriend and I went up to my room when he said that he would pound his favorite bitch with...

A sketchy guy just came into my shop and bought six smoke machines. So I called the cops.

He must be a part of some extreme mist group.

I was bored so I read like six pages of the dictionary.

I learned next to nothing.

Someone asked me "Where do you see yourself in six months?" I said...

I don't know, I don't have 2020 vision.

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Why was Six afraid of Seven?

I don't know about you man, but that movie was the shit...scared the bajeezus outta me too

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"The average woman will receive verbal abuse six times a day," said my wife.

I said, "Honey, you're not the average woman. You're a million times what the average woman is."

"Aww, thanks babe," she replied.

I said, "It wasn't a compliment. Lose some fucking weight."

What did the Alabama sheriff say about the African-American man found shot six times in the back?

"Worst case o' suicide I ever done seen!"

My grandfather killed six Germans at Normandy beach.

Not as heroic as it sounds, though, he just did it last week.

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Why is six afraid of seven?

Six just hasn't been the same since he returned from Vietnam. Every time he closes his eyes, he sees Charlie hiding in the darkness of the forest. Not that you could ever see those bastards, mind you. They were fast and they knew their way around the jungle. He remembers the looks on the boy's faces...

80% of girls like guys with six-pack abs.

80% of guys with six-pack abs don’t like girls.

Two rival tailors had a competition to see who could cut and perfectly hem a six foot long piece of fabric the quickest.

The result was a tie.

When I was in the army I got 300 recorded kills in six months.

Then they kicked me out of the catering corp.

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Six Letters of the Alphabet

Billy was a boy in kindergarten. At the end of the school day, the teacher gave the class a simple task.

“Ok class, I want you to go home tonight and learn the first six letters of the alphabet.”

So Billy left school determined to learn what the teacher had asked. When he got home, he ...

Why is crucified Jesus always depicted with six pack abs?

He did CrossFit.

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My wife decided to share some morbid news with our six year-old in the car...

"My best friend lost her father on Saturday," she said.

"That's rather careless of her," replied my daughter.

Wife: I don't see any reason why you would need to drink a whole six pack right before you go to bed!

Me: That's only because there aren't any mirrors around here...

A man boarded a plane with six kids.

After they settled into their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over and asked, “Are all of those kids yours?” He replied, “No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints.”

I went to the shop the other day to buy six cans of Sprite.

It was only when I got home that I realised I had picked 7 Up.

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My wife and I made a stop smoking pact, so now we only light up after sex and I've only had six cigarettes in the last two months

my wife is up to three packs a day

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Inigo Montoya finally catches up with the six-fingered man

Inigo Montoya finally catches up with the six-fingered man in a monastry in Tibet. He finds him red-robed and shaven-headed sweeping the temple courtyard.

"Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die." he says, drawing the six-fingered sword

The six-fingered m...

My brother told me a trick on how to get a six pack in an hour.

You have to go to the liquor store

Did you know horses have six legs?

They have two legs at the back, and fore legs at the front

What do you call a Snowman witha six-pack?

An Abdominal Snowman

I go to the store and buy ten hotdogs, nine burgers, three bags of chips, and six sodas. If I eat nine hot dogs, seven burgers, three bags of chips, and drink five sodas, what do I have?

No self control

A man goes to the dentist for his six-month exam.

The man tells the dentist, “My teeth are great. I never use mouthwash, rarely brush my teeth, never floss, never use a breath mint, and eat onions and garlic with just about every meal. I also never have bad breath.” The dentist agrees his teeth are decent, but he will need an operation.


...

My six year old son told me a joke at dinner tonight and I absolutely loved it.

Son: "Knock, knock"

Me: "Who's there?"

Son: "A chicken"

Me: " "A chicken who?"

Son *interrupting*: "Pew pew pew pew pew!"

Me: .................?

Him: "Get it?! Like it's shooting eggs at you!"

A doctor gave a man six months to live.

The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.

Sam could sing six magic note

when he sang the seventh he blew up. Do you know why?

















Samsung note 7

A blonde ordered a pizza. The clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces.

The blonde answered, "Oh! six. I could never eat twelve pieces."

Why was the six afraid of the seven?

Approximately 0.3583.

Or cos(789)

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I finally ejaculated over six feet!

I've really come a long way.

The doctor tells a woman that she has only six months to live.

He advises her to marry a chemist and move to Toledo. The woman asks, “Will this cure my illness?”

“No,” replies the doctor, “but it will make six months seem like a very long time.”

I was walking down the street with my wife. I saw my mother-in-law being beaten by six men.

My wife asked, “Aren’t you going to help?”

I responded, “Six should be enough.”

The Doctors told me I was just Six Degrees from dying of Kevin Bacon

Fortunately, Bacon was cured.

I just got kicked out of karaoke night for singing "Danger Zone" six times in a row…

They said I exceeded my maximum number of Loggins attempts…

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What do you call six men having anal sex with a woman in the back of an old fashioned car?

Shitty Shitty Gang Bang!

Earlier today six dwarfs stole my antidepressants.

Not Happy.

My grandpa was always disappointed in me....

When I was five my grandpa was always disappointed in me. He would tell me "when I was your age I was six."

What do you call a rap battle between 21 savage and Six-Nine?

Alien vs predator

I was talking to my neighbor's six year-old daughter and she said she wanted to be President some day.

Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there, so I asked her, "If you were to be the President, what's the first thing you would do?"

She replied, "I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people.'

"Wow - what a worthy goal," I told her, "You don't have to wait unti...

The doctor gave me six months to live, so I shot him.

The judge gave me 50 years. Problem solved.

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A man and his wife have been recently wed, however the man's work calls for him to leave the country for six months.

Now, before this point, him and his wife have been having a pretty *intimate* relationship, as it were, and the wife wasn't too pleased about not seeing her husband for six months - mainly because she'd have nothing to satisfy herself with. She expressed her feelings to her husband and on the day be...

Why is six not scared of thirty-five?

because Five-sevens aren’t six-shooters.

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What’s got 2 legs, is six feet tall, and is only around when you’re not?

I’m worried my wife is fucking it.

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What do you call a 13 year old girl from Kentucky who can run faster than her six brothers?

A virgin.

What has six legs, green fur, red balls, and can kill you if it drops on you from a tree?

A snooker table.

Six dwarves in a bath were feeling happy. So happy got out.

Once happy got out then they all felt grumpy.

By the time grumpy escaped they were feeling sleepy. Sleepy didn't seem to notice.

A six-year-old girl runs into her backyard and sees her neighbor raking leaves...

She runs to him and says proudly “My mommy taught me all about politics today!”

“That’s great! So are you a Republican or a Democrat?” he asks.

“A demmycrat!”

“Why’s that?”

“Well, demmycrats believe in helping the poor. So they take some money from everyone and give it ...

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Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.

Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.

With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.

After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, 'Just feed him ...

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A man walks into a bar and says, “Give me six double vodkas.” Pouring the shots, the bartender comments, “Wow, you must have had one hell of a day.”

“Yeah, I just found out my oldest son is gay.”

The next day, the same guy comes into the bar and asks for six more double vodkas.

When the bartender asks what’s wrong, the man says, “I just found out that my youngest son is gay, too!”

On the third day, the guy comes into the ba...

This girl said she would go out with me if I knew a six letter word that's a synonym for "calm".

I said, "It's sedate."

How do you like my six-pack?

It was only $4.99 in the ab-store.

Why did the Blonde feel so proud of herself for finishing a jigsaw puzzle in only six months?

It said 2-4 years on the box.

Why are all the emos banned from Six Flags?

Because they keep cutting in line

A woman who was married six times had just died.

During the funeral service, the pastor heard her sister say "I'm so glad they are finally together!"

The pastor replies "Which husband are you referring to?"

"None of them. I was talking about her legs."

Grandpa was summoned for an audit.

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, ‘Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling...

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A young man sits down at a bar and says, "I want six shots of Jagermeister."

"Six shots!?" exclaims the bartender, "Are you celebrating something?"

"My first blow job," replies the young man.

"Well, in that case," says the bartender, slapping him on the back, "let me give you a seventh on the house."

The man holds up his hand, "No offense, sir. But if si...

My girlfriend of six years is a melon. She broke my heart when I proposed to her today.

She said, “I just cantaloupe with you.”

Did you hear about the guy who spent six months making a belt out of watches?

He said it was a waist of time.

(as told to me last night by my 10 year old).

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