UPJOKE
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To whoever lost an iPhone 14 Pro Max outside the train station yesterday

Can you please stop calling my new phone?

A teacher just graded one of her students’ homework 9/10 and 14/10

The student was so happy and she showed it to her mom as soon as she reached home.

However, the mom feels mildly disturbed as she thought the 14/10 didn’t make any sense. “14 out of 10? The teacher was just randomly writing the grade, so irresponsible”, she thought like this and the next day ...

What do a 14-year-old pregnant girl and the child inside her have in common?

Both are thinking "Oh no! My mom's gonna kill me!"

My wife said, “I can think of 14 reasons to leave you, and don’t even mention your obsession with Tennis.

I replied, "That's 15 love."

I had 180 people under me at my first job and I was only 14 years old.

I mowed the town cemetery.

A Chinese doctor can't find a job in an America, so he opens his own clinic...

Six months later, a lawyer walks by the clinic and notices there's a sign outside that says "TREATMENT COST $20, IF WE CAN'T CURE YOU GET $100 BACK."
The lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic. The doctor comes right up to him as he enters.

Doctor: "W...

What do you get if you eat 3.14 cakes?

Fat. You get fat.

You were expecting a joke about pi? On my cake day?

I saw a snake that was 3.14 metres long

I suppose it was a π thon

In New York, someone is mugged every 14.5 minutes.

Why doesn't he move away?

After my retirement from the company I worked at for 45 years, I looked forward to some relaxation time, but my wife had other ideas...

... she insisted I take her to the local shopping centre every day.

Like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and out.

She's like most women - loves to browse & leaves me with endless time to fulfill.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter,...

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A rich arab prince falls in love with a gipsy woman...

A rich arab falls in love with a gipsy woman. He tells her he loves her, but she says she can only marry him if her father aproves. The arab goes to the father and tells him he would do anything for the hamd of his daughter. The gipsy wasn't that eager to give her away, so he tried to find reasons n...

A case study has found trampolines are involved in half of all ER admissions for under-14's.

The authors said the problem is tumbling out of control.

I have become obsessed with collecting Beatles albums!

So far I've got 17 Revolvers, 8 Rubber Souls, 25 Sergeant Peppers, 6 Hard Days Nights, 12 White Albums, 14 Abbey Roads, 7 Yellow Submarines, 5 Let It Be's, 9 Please Please Me's, a couple of With The Beatles, 3 Beatles For Sales, and even a Magical Mystery Tour, BUT IT'S NEVER ENOUGH!

I NEED ...

What do you get when you eat 3.14 slices of cake?

Diabetes.

What?, did you really think I was gonna make a pie joke on my cake day?

^btw ^I ^waited ^1 ^whole ^year ^to ^tell ^this ^joke

What is the hardest way to lose 6-14 pounds?

Having a baby!

Happy Mother's Day!

A man is walking by a tall fence and hears people chanting, "13, 13, 13."

The man tries to look over the fence but can't see because it's too tall.

He then notices a hole in the fence and looks through, only to get poked in the eye. The people on the other side then start chanting, "14, 14,14."

Stan and Eddy go fishing

Near Corner Brook.....

They drop the 14' aluminum boat in a nice local lake, fire up the 9.9 and go looking for a good spot.

After several hour of no bites they finally find a shoal and start catching fish.

After a bit Stan says to Eddy" I need to go to the can, we need to go ...

My new toothpaste is false advertising

It said, "Guaranteed whiteness in 14 days."

Well, it's been 15 days and I'm still Asian.

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Sal the boxing promoter gets a call Saturday morning of fight night

“Hey boss, it’s Joe at the gym. Big Frank’s had an accident and broke his thumb. He can’t fight for a month”
Sal goes into a melt down. Big Frank was his heavyweight prospect and the headline of that nights card in the Big Apple. Faced with refunding the tickets he gets on the phone to all the ot...

I was really excited to get an offer for a new job, until I found out the pay was £3.14 per hour.

I think that’s just kind of irrational.

I saw a snake in the yard today...

It was a real beast measuring 3.14 meters long! I thought to myself that it must be a Pi-thon...

...but then I remembered, snakes don't have digits!

A Joke My Brain Told Me

As I was waking up from jumbled dreams this morning, I heard my brain telling this joke with no conscious input from me. I had to flesh out some details, but the gist of it is more or less what I remember. Of course, I have heard similar jokes, but this is my brain's spontaneous version.

A gu...

As I rolled over from my date and pulled off the condom, she complained " Is that it ? "

" since we did doggie position, i would count it as 14 minutes"

Math

A businessman was confused about a bill he had received, so he asked his secretary for some mathematical help.

"If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?" he asked her.

The secretary replied, "Everything but my earrings."

An archaeologist and his gorgeous new intern are in the lab checking the levels of carbon-14 in a skull they found.

The archaeologist's jealous wife walks in and demands to know what's going on. "Honey, it's nothing! We're just dating!"

An opinion without 3.14

Is just an onion.

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Having too much sex can cause memory loss.

I read it on page 14 in a medical journal on the 14th November 2019 at 3.19pm

I nutted in my girlfriend in 3.14 secs

She asked me, what just happened to which i replied “cream π” .

A guy was playing golf one day and he got lost

He saw a lady up ahead of him and went to her and said, "Can you please help me, I don't know what Hole I'm on."

She told him "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 7; you're on 6."

He thanked her and continued playing golf.

Later, he got lost again.

He saw the same lady and...

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Been chatting with this 14 year old girl. Real sexy and flirty. Things are going great, but now she tells me she's an undercover cop.

How fucking cool is that for someone her age.

Today I celebrated my 365th day sober!!

And it only took me 14 years

An old cowboy from Texas counseled his granddaughter…

That if she wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gun powder on her oatmeal every morning. The granddaughter did this religiously until the age of 103, when she died. She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great-grandchildren, 25 great-great-grandchildren, an...

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Letter from a Polish mother to her son

Dear Son,

Just a few lines to let you know that I am still alive. I'm writing this letter slowly because I know that you cannot read fast. You won't know the house when you come home . . we've moved.

About your father . . . he has a lovely new job. He has 500 men under him. He is cutti...

A prisoner slipped on the stairs 5 years into his 14 year sentence.

He suffered some minor injuries but he decided to pretend to be in a coma for rest of his sentence.

When he finally decided to drop the act on the last day of his sentence, the warden arrested him again, because you aren't supposed to end a sentence with a coma.

R.Kelly has decided to contest his 30 year prison sentence

He wants it reduced to something below 14 years .

A job interview

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, "And what starting salary are you looking for?" The engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer ...

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Personalities

1) Polite - farts and says "Pardon!"

2) Cynic - Farts while looking you directly in the eyes

3) Chivalrous - lets the lady fart first

4) Gourmand - Farts for his own pleasure

5) Sentimental - Farts and says "Oh..."

6) Idealist - farts out of conviction

7) C...

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Dont Mess With Customer Service Agents...

Customer Service


A crowded United Airlines flight from Denver Airport was cancelled.

A single female agent was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travellers when an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk.

He slapped his ticket on the desk and said, “I have to b...

Two young brothers in Rome, aged 12 and 14..

One day, two young brothers in Rome, aged 12 and 14, came home with a 20 and 50 euro note. Their mother asked them where they got all that money from.

"Well, we were standing outside the brothel when a guy left," said the 12-year-old. "We told him that we knew where he had been, so he asked u...

18 pounds at birth

A Scotsman was drinking in a bar in London when he gets a call on his cell phone.
After he hangs up, he orders drinks for everybody in the bar as he announces his wife has just produced a typical Scottish baby boy weighing 18 pounds.

Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 1...

Who does the work?

The population of this country is 327 million.


76 million are retired.
That leaves 251 million to do the work.


There are 48 million people who are permanently disabled.
Which leaves 203 million to do the work


There are 74 million children yo...

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How many redditors does it take to change a lightbulb?

How many redittors does it take to change a lightbulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

7 to caution about the dangers ...

My 14 year old girl asked me what hairstyle would look good on her

Don’t ever google tips for grooming a teenage girl. I’m now on a list somewhere….

Teacher asks her class, "If there's 14 crows on a fence and you shoot 2 off, how many are left?

" One little boy says, "None, the shotgun scared them all away." Teacher says, "That's not the answer I was looking for, but I like the way you're thinking." Boy says to teacher, "I have a question for you." "There's 3 women eating ice cream cones. 1 is licking, 1 is sucking, 1 is biting. Which on...

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My piss just registered 14 on the pH scale

No wonder I'm so based.

Genie will grant you one ...

A man walks into a bar and sees a guy with a really big lighter. He asks the man, “Where did you get such a big lighter?”

The man replies,”See that man playing piano over there? He’s a genie and he’ll grant you one wish.”

So the guy walks over to the genie and says, “I wish for a milli...

14 year old brother said this

Lmao maybe not funny to some, but I thought it was clever. He said "gonna make a one man human centipede... call that a roly poly!"

A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday

Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?

It was a 14 year olds birthday

It was a 14 year olds birthday and his family was very poor, and could only afford one gift for him. His father wanted to get him a new toy to play with, his mother wanted to get him new clothes, so they decided to compromise and get him coveralls with the pockets cut out.


(My grandpa tol...

I volunteered to help blind kids from ages 1 to 14

Oh and “blind” was a verb

My 14-year-old daughter has finally met her online boyfriend in real life.

Must be big love, haven't seen her for weeks.

I told my 14 year old son I thought 'Fortnite' was a stupid name for a computer game.



I think it is just too weak.

My 14 year old is finally taking an interest in me. Last night he asked me my date of birth.

Then he asked me what street I grew up on.

This morning he even asked where I met his mom and what was the name of my first pet! ❤❤❤❤❤

A husband and wife had been married for 14 years, and were having problems.

They both realized that they needed to see a marriage counselor. They found one that some friends said had helped them immensely. He invited them in and asked them what was going on. The husband just looked down, not knowing what to say, but the wife talked for 15 minutes straight, laying out issue ...

I told my doctor I wanted to get a vasectomy. He said “well now, that’s a big decision. Have you talked about this with your family?”

I said “yeah, and they’re in favor 14-3.”

What did the egg say to the funny chef?

You're really cracking me up.

[Others may have said this before, but I came up with this all by myself when I was at my intellectual peak of 14 and I have repeated it ever since - yet to have a response other than silence, which clearly means it's ironic wit /s]

What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear?

14 carrot gold

Went to see a movie last night which had an overall rating of 3.14

It was pirated.

What do you call a snake that's 3.14 metres long?

A "Pi"-thon.

(brought to you by the bad puns initiative)

The Avengers: Endgame trailer has 14 million views from just one person

Dr. Strange

It is May 2022 and a Russian army is marching through Finland.

As they pass the border, they hear a Finnish voice over the hill;

"One Finnish tank is better than 10 Russian tanks!"

The Russian general laughs, as he sends 10 T-14 Armata, the most powerful tanks of the Russian military on the hill to capture it. There is the sound of battle for a mi...

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Jack was from a poor family with many siblings [OC]

As the eldest child, he took up the responsibility of helping his parents financially by doing odd jobs, be it collecting recyclable scraps, cleaning, babysitting, dog walking or simple repair work. He had no choice but to drop out of high school at the age of 14 to work full time in order for his o...

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An old man and his wife go to bed...

After laying there for a few minutes, the old man farts and says, "Seven Points."

His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"

The old man replied, "It's fart football!"

A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says, "Touchdown, tie score!"

After abo...

I gave that movie 3.14 stars!

Cause I pi-rated it.

My friends Grandpa told us this when we were about 14, What did the one leg say to the other leg?

Check out Shorty he's growing a beard!

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Pink kryptonite turns Superman gay. What does Thor use?

The Bi-frost.

My 14 year old just came in and told me this one, said he made it up himself. I was impressed.

What do you call a 70 year old man trapped in the emotional state of a 14 year old girl?

Mr. President.

How do you earn karma on March 14 (3/14) when it isn’t your cake day?

Easy! Slice of pi.

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I was walking past a mental hospital when I heard the patients on the other side of the fence chant “13…13…13!”

Curious, I looked through the fence to see what was going on.

Suddenly, I got stabbed in the eye by a dick through a crack in the fence.

The mental patients started chanting “14…14…14!”

TIL that a school bus can only jump over 14 students at a time.

Unrelatedly, I’ve been fired from my job as a bus driver.

The Pope, Donald Trump, Lionel Messi, and a 14 year old boy are flying on a plane together.

Halfway into the flight, the pilots announce that the plane is going down, and that there are only three parachutes on board.

Lionel Messi grabs a parachute and says “Well guys, I’m the best football player in the world. My fans and millions of people worldwide need me!”, and jumps out of th...

even though coffee is more acidic, all Starbucks coffee products have a pH of 14

Extremely basic

My girlfriend is mad because I could only last 2 minutes in bed

In my defense it was doggy style so it's more like 14 minutes.

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What is a similarity between a pregnant 14-year old and her fetus

They both be thinking “Shit. Mom’s going to kill me”

Sorry if this has been posted before

a boy goes to his mother

The boy says to his mother "mom I'm going to a friend's house"

The mother responds "is it a girl"

The boy says "Yea"

"here, take these condoms"

"Mom, I'm only 14"

"Yea, and I'm 28

I went to the doctor and he said you have the blood pressure of a 14 year old kid

I said great. He said, not so great, a 14 year old *American* child. You got four months to live.

Kids are so fat these days the first letters they learn in the alphabet are not ABC, it's KFC.

Kids are so fat these days they use cheat codes to play Pokemon Go.

Kids are so fat th...

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A obese chicken has a volume of 14 cubic inches

This means that 2.000.000.000.000.000.000.000.000.000 fat cocks fits in Uranus

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8 Life Lessons — NOT OC

I'll credit this as last posted by u/NinjaNoob99.

-----

*SHOWER:*

A woman gets out of the shower just as her husband is going to his room. Hearing a knock on the front door, she wraps herself in her bathrobe before stepping outside. She sees her neighbor, who says "I'll give you...

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A door to door salesman is doing his rounds

He knocks on a door that’s promptly answered by a 14 year old boy wearing stockings and suspenders and a lace bra and panties. The boys drinking a glass of cognac and smoking a fine cigar.
The salesman asks “Son, are your parents home?”
The boys replies “What the fuck do you think”

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