Thirty Jokes - 83 Hilarious Thirty Jokes

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Everyone's talking about the 90s like it was almost thirty years ago...

Oh.

...Fuck.

I've just had to turn down a really good job offer, driving thirty world-famous circus clowns around on a UK tour next month.

I don't have a car small enough.

After being married for thirty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.

He looked at her for a while, and then said, "You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."

She asked, "What does that mean?"

He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot."

She smiled happily and said, "Oh, that's so lovely. What about ...

Why did the thirty Irish people drown?

They were riverdancing.

My dad showed me a thirty minute PowerPoint on why one should always wear a condom

It was just pictures of me

15+15 is thirty

16+16 is thirty too

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Michael and his wife had been married for thirty five years and things were, let's say, a little cold in the bedroom. One day while out shopping he decided to look for a little outside stimulation.

He dropped his wife off at her favorite store and went across the street to the knock shop. He swaggers up to the madam and asks her "what kind of a fuck can a fellow get for fifty bucks?"

She snorts derisively and says "you're not going to get much for fifty bucks. All our girls start at two...

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Did you know semen leaves the body at almost thirty miles per hour?

This means it's illegal to ejaculate in a school zone.

I don't think the speed was why I was arrested though.

Three men were talking about what their children would be saying about them thirty years from now.

"I would like my children to say, 'He was successful in business'," declared the first man.
"Thirty years from now," said the second, "I want them to say, 'He was a loyal family man'."
Turning to the third man, the first one asked, "So what do you want them to say about you in thirty years?"...

A mohel collected all the foreskins in a jar, for the duration of his thirty year career.

Upon his retirement, he brought them to a local leather shop and requested a custom piece.

"What should I make?" asked the leathersmith.

"Surprise me," said the mohel.

A week later he returned to find the result. A wallet.

"There were hundreds of foreskins there, and all ...

Thirty Dollars

Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide she'll become a hooker. She's not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, "Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him a hundred bucks. If you've got a question, I'll be parked around the corner." She's not there five minute...

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A man and a woman always made love with the lights off for over thirty years

Since the beginning, the man was scared he would be unable to please her. So he bought a big dildo to use on her instead.

Finally one night she turned the lights on and saw that he was using a dildo on her.

She said, “I knew it, asshole, explain the dildo!”

He said, “Explain the...

Fifteen plus fifteen is thirty.

Sixteen plus sixteen is thirty, too.

Adam

One day, God summoned Adam for an important task he must complete...

God Said, "Adam, I want you to do something for me."

Adam said, "Gladly Lord, what do you want me to do?"

God said, "Go down into that valley."

Adam said, "What's a valley?"

God explaine...

A blonde pays $1,000,000 to use a stadium to prove blondes are smart.

She fills the stadium with 80,000 other blondes and calls one up to prove, on live TV, that blondes are smart. She starts simply with a math question.
“What’s twenty plus three?” She asks the young volunteer. The little blonde thinks and timidly whispers into the mic “nine?” Soon a chorus of 80,...

A gigantic gas explosion in a coal mine in the next town killed thirty workers and hospitalised two hundred. But I refused to give to the support charity.

After all, it was only *miner* injuries.

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A man met a beautiful girl and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She protested, “But we don’t know anything about each other.” He replied, “That’s all right; we’ll learn about each other as we go along.”

So she consented and they were married, and they went on honeymoon to a very nice resort.

One morning, they were lying by the pool when he got up off his towel, climbed up to the 30-foot high board and did a two-and-a-half-tuck gainer, entering the water perfectly, almost without a ripple. T...

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard.

The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole." The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."

The little boy runs into the house and ...

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A man goes to ask the great guru, "Which is better, large breasts or small breasts?"

The great guru asks him "How much money do you have in bills in your wallet?"

The man quickly counts the money. "Thirty dollars."

"And if you had thirty dollars in coins," said the guru, "which would have the greater mass- the coins or the bills?"

"The coins of course."

"...

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We now have the technology to build a new penis.

Doctor Cohen comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, however your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."

The m...

“You’ve been married thirty years. What your secret?”

“Togetherness. I take my wife with me everywhere I go.”

“You love her that much, eh?”

“Heck no. She’s so ugly I don’t want to kiss her goodbye.”

My wife is turning 32 soon...

I’ve told her not to get her hopes up for her birthday. “After all,” I said, “The celebrations are only going to last half a minute.”

“What are you talking about?” she asked.

I said, “It’s your thirty-second birthday.”

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There were two statues in a park, one of a naked man, and one of a naked woman. They had been facing each other for a hundred years across a pathway, when one day an angel comes down, and with a single gesture brings the two to life.

The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most."

He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery. The angel waits pati...

I completed another lap around the Sun, but I only get half a minute to celebrate today.

It's my thirty-second birthday.

It’s a five minute walk from my house to the pub.

It’s a thirty five minute walk from the pub to my house.

The difference is staggering.

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I told a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs...

"Really?" she said, "Go on then...try." After about thirty seconds of fondling she lost patience and demanded "Come on, what day was I born?"
“Yesterday." I replied.

There are thirty cows and twenty eight chickens, how many didn't?

Ten

LPT: How to pick up girls

Try this:

1. Acquire several dozen limes.
1. Go up to them and then drop all the limes.
1. Start picking them up, but keep dropping them. The clumsier you look the better.
1. Keep doing this until you have their attention (this could take up to thirty minutes).
1. Finally gather ...

A Texan walks into an Irish bar...

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back to back."

The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's of...

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After thirty years of marriage a husband and wife go for counseling.

When asked what the problem is, the wife goes into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married.

On and on she goes: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable—an entire laundry list of unmet needs she has endured. <...

There once was a boy named George Gunderson who did not do very well in school. His classmates ridiculed him every day, as did his teacher, Mrs. Jones. George couldn't stand it, and always came home crying to his parents.

One day, Mr. and Mrs. Gunderson decided to come to the school early to give Mrs. Jones a piece of her mind. The second the door opened to let the kids outside, Mr. and Mrs. Gunderson peeked inside to hear Mrs. Jones screaming at George. "George Gunderson, you are the dumbest kid in the world!"
...

Thirty-second olympics postponed.

I didn’t realise there were that many sports you could do in thirty seconds?

Why do the Irish only put two hundred and thirty nine beans in their Irish bean soup?

Because one more and it would be too farty...

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So a man was sued for libel and slander...

The judge asked, "What's the defendant accused of saying?"

The plaintiff's attorney replied, "He called my client an, and I quote, 'incompetent motherfucker', your honor."

The judge nodded, "And what does the defense plea?"

The defendant's attorney rose, "Not guilty as charged, ...

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I have one question for porn directors who end scenes with a thirty second close-up of the dude's face.

Where the fuck do you get off?

After almost thirty years of working hard in school, applying myself at college, and training and serving in the Air Force my application to become an Astronaut was rejected.

Turns out my mom was right, if I apply myself the sky's the limit.

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I respect those participating in Ramadan. No way could I go thirty days without sex.

Unless my girlfriend is home.

Thirty children dead after their school mandated they wear bulletproof vests to prevent shootings.

Swimming lessons should probably have been exempted.

A teen boy goes into a pharmacy and, somewhat embarrassed, asks the pharmacist how much a pack of condoms cost.

The pharmacist said a three pack was four-ninety-nine.

So the teen takes a five dollar bill from his wallet and puts it on the counter.

The pharmacist said "that'll be five dollars and thirty-five cents."

"But you said it was four-ninety-nine!"

"There's also tax."

...

My friend told me she lost thirty pounds.

...but then I remembered she is British and lost £30 instead. I really should not have congratulated her.

How do you get thirty drunk Canadians out of a pool?

You say “Please get out of the pool.”

Sam said to Fred, “I put £20 on a horse last week, and he came in at twenty-five to one.”

“Wow! you must be loaded,” said Fred. “Not really,” said George. “The rest of the field came in at twelve-thirty.”

One stolen joke is a coincidence. Two stolen jokes is a pattern.

Thirty stolen jokes is an Amy Schumer special.

I started a new diet 6 weeks ago and I managed to GAIN thirty pounds!

It’s my fault, though. I thought counting calories meant your supposed to go for the high score.

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What do you call thirty dead nazis?

an alt right start

A wife of thirty years dies and the husband arranges the funeral. . .

During the services the pall bearers while carrying the casket slip and it accidently hits a wall. They hear a moan coming from inside of the casket. They open it up and the wife is still alive. In fact, she goes on to live another ten years. After she passes, the husband arranges another funera...

After being married for thirty ones years and having three children, I can safely say...

Nothing

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One day a twelve year old walks into a house of ill-repute dragging a dead frog on a string behind him. He slaps a hundred dollar bill on the counter and says

"I want one of your women."
The madam looks at him and says "Don't you think
you're a bit young for that?" He slaps another
hundred on the counter and says "I want one of
your women."

The madam says "Okay, have a seat, she'll be down
in about thirty minutes." He slaps anoth...

I really love playing chess with elderly people in the park.

It's just really hard to find thirty two of them willing to do it .

An American businessman goes to India on a business trip...

but he doesn't like Indian food.

so he asks the concierge at his hotel if there's any place around where he can get American food.

The concierge tells him he's in luck; there's a pizza place that just opened, and they deliver. The concierge gives the businessman the phone number...

An old man applies for a job as a woodcutter,

but the boss doesn't think he's fit enough. He tells the boss he is able to cut down any tree in a single swing.

To prove this, he goes outside, hits a five foot tree with his axe, and it falls over. The boss is impressed. The old man then repeats this with a ten foot tree. Then a thirty foot...

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Don't wake Up Until Ten

Three men were discussing aging on the steps of the nursing home.

"Seventy is the worst age to be," announced the seventy year old. "You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!"

"Ah, that's nothing," said the eighty year ol...

There were two nuns;

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM),
and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).

It is getting dark and they are still far away
from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been
following us for the past thirty-eight and
a half minutes? I won...

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A couple went golfing one day at a very exclusive course lined with million dollar homes.

On the third tee, the husband cautioned, Honey, be careful when you drive. If we break one of those windows, it'll cost us a fortune to repair.

Of course, she immediately shanked her drive right through the window of the biggest house on the course. The husband cringed, I warned you to watch ...

Buying Condoms....

A sixty year old man walks into a drug store and walks up to the girl at the checkout counter. He asks her, "Do you sell condoms here?"

"Sure. What size are you?"

"I don't know," he replies.

"Well, just let me check," the cashier says. She unzips his pants, takes a feel, and the...

When a man is twenty, he loves every woman.

When he's thirty, he loves just one.

When he's forty, he loves them all except that one.

As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom door...

She heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter with a vibrator.

Shocked, she asked: 'what in the world are you doing?'

The daughter replied: 'Mom, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get ...

After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in her seat and closed her eyes.

As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice: "Hi sweetheart. It's Eric. I'm on the train".

"Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting". "No, honey, not with that blond...

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A woman goes through border control on her bicycle with two panniers filled with sand.

The border guard was suspicious about it and searched through the sand, but couldn’t find anything hidden, so he had to let her through.

The next day, the same woman passes by, again riding a bike with two bags brimming with bright sand. The guard was still unable to find anything. He felt so...

A Texas farmer was touring England. He happened to meet an English farmer and asked him, "What size farm do you have?"

The Englishman proudly announced, "Thirty-five acres!"

"Thirty-five acres?" the Texan scoffed. "Why, I can get in my truck at 8:00 AM and start driving and at noon, I am still on my farm. I can eat lunch and start driving again and at 5:00 PM I am still on my farm.

"Ah, yes," the Engli...

A pelican walks into a bar

The pelican sits down at the bar and the bartender says "what'll it be?"

The pelican says, "I'll have your recommended IPA."

The bartender pours him his drink, the pelican socializes with others in the bar, and as thirty minutes passes, he finished his drink and the bartender says to h...

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Pigs

A farmer had five female pigs. Times were hard, so he decided to take them to the county fair and sell them...

At the fair, he met another farmer who owned five male pigs...

After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything equally.

The farmers lived sixt...

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I went to a pub and ordered a pint. As the landlord put my drink down, I asked him for the wifi code.

"Oh no," he said, "there's no wifi in here; people used to sit talking in pubs about their day, their families, work, politics, music, the lot - now people just stare at their phones and it breaks my heart to see; therefore, no wifi in this pub."

"You know what?" I replied, "You're right!" an...

A golfer went to a fortuneteller

He asked, "can you tell me if there are golf courses in Heaven?"

The fortuneteller entered a trance to ponder his question. After several minutes she responded- "I have good news and I have bad news. The good news is, the golf courses in Heaven are beautiful beyond any earthly imagination." ...

There was once a land, far away, and many years ago, that had three kingdoms around a triangular lake.

There was once a land far away and many years ago that had three kingdoms around a triangular lake. They often warred and casualties were fierce. So they agreed to hold a tournament of all their champions on an island in the middle of the lake. The first being rich and influential sent twenty Knight...

Told my folks I’ve got a dental appt today…

Dad asked if it was at two:thirty

A man went to the dentist to schedule getting a tooth pulled.

"I don't have a lot of money." he confessed. "Is there any way we could make the procedure cheaper?"

"I suppose for a small discount," thought the dentist, "We could reuse some of our disposable tools. It may slightly increase your risk of infection, but, theoretically, you should be fi...

The story of the soybeans

A woman was cleaning out the dresser in her bedroom. When she moved aside some of her husbands' clothing she spotted a small box containing three soybeans and an envelope with fifty dollars in cash.

When her husband walked into the bedroom she asked "What is this box for?"

The husban...

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A man was being sold a very cheap suit.

“But the left arm is a lot longer than the right arm,” he complained.

“That’s why the suit is such a bargain,” the sales clerk explained. “Just cock your left shoulder up a little, like this, and tuck this left lapel under your chin a bit, like this.”

“But the right leg is way too shor...

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Since we're doing little Johnny jokes....

Little Johnny's teacher sends the kids home with an assignment to find a story with a moral to it. The next day, the teacher asks, "Who would like to share their story?"

Little Johnny's hand shoots straight up, and the teacher wisely ignores him. "Susie, why don't you go first?"

Susie ...

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The dark presence of the knight in black armor terrified the patrons of the inn. And he was sulking at the bar, clearly worried as he down the pint of ale.

He towered over the others who were also in the inn's bar, his armor covered in jagged spikes that were as lethal as the man-sized swords that hung from his back. His eyes glowed blood-red and a sickening black miasma poured through the small cracks in the plate armor. He even had a large pair of ho...

Just been down the garage, £30 for a tyre pump.

Thirty quid!

Thirty bloody quid for a tyre pump!

They were £20 last year! This time last year, same brand, I promise you, twenty quid and not a penny more!

But I guess that's the cost of inflation.

A joke about my parents marriage

My Dad: "I might be stupid but you love me"

My Mom: "Yeah well after almost thirty years together, you kinda start to feel a certain way"

Me: "Yeah, it's called Stockholm syndrome"

Three americans are competing to paint a foreign flag on a white sheet of canvas ...

The three are given only 30 minutes to complete their assignment.

The first student decides to paint Germany's flag, the second will paint the United Kingdom's, and the third Hungary's.

The first and second are already making good progress. The third's about to take his first brush str...

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A man has been getting chronic headaches...

...and after seeing specialist after specialist, one finally determines that the cause comes from his testicles being compressed. Unfortunately, the specialist tells him that the only solution at this time is to remove his testicles, or else he'll just continue having horrible headaches.

The ...

A musician is hired to perform at a home for the elderly

When he arrives, there is a comedian already on the stage. The comedian says "Number seventeen!" And the crowd chuckles. Then he says "Number thirty-one!" The crowd laughs. Then he says "Number fourty-four!" And the crowd roars and claps.

The musician is naturally confused, so he asks t...

Two men were having lunch together

One said "Hey, I heard your 18-year-old son got into college!"

The other said "Yes, we're all proud."

"It is great news," said the first man. "What do you think he'll be when he graduates?"

And the second man said "The way HE studies? Probably thirty-five or forty."

What is your age, madam?

Asked the Enumerator, taking details for the census.

Lady - "Thirty, sir."

Enumerator - "If I don't mistake, you were thirty at the last census, ten years ago."

Lady - "Well, my man, I'm not the person who says one thing today and another tomorrow."

Source: 1913 n...

A man and his wife went out fishing for lobster

After several hours, they had not caught anything.

As the weather turned bad, a major wave struck the boat and washed the wife overboard. The man searched and searched for her but could not see his wife anywhere.

So the man immediately turned towards shore and tried to flag down the C...

Another blonde joke

A blonde reports for her university final exam. The exam consists mainly of true or false questions.

She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin. Sh...

And how old are you?

-Well, let‘s say, I‘m closer to my thirty than to my twenty.

-Oh ok. 27?28?

-No, 45.

A bus full of ugly people drives off a cliff.

They all make it to Heaven. When they get there God makes them all form a single-file line before the pearly gates and explains to them that as you enter paradise, you can make one wish, so long as it's not to come back to life or anything that interferes with the world of the living.

The...

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A cruise ship spies a seemingly deserted island in the distance...

(Warning: This is a joke that might only be understood by Jews. That said, it's a classic, and one that most Jews find to be extremely funny and spot on. If you're not Jewish, read on if you would like to glean some insight into Jewish humor and culture.)

 

So a cruise sh...

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