40 Jokes - 120 Hilarious 40 Jokes

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Three men, aged 40, 60 and 80, discuss their sex lives

The 40-year old says: "When my wife and I were just married, we'd do it every single day. Any position you could imagine. But now I'm lucky if we can average once a week".

The 60-year old man responds: "Once a week? Just wait till you get to my age. Once a month is what I consider an active s...

What's 40+40+SQUIRREL!

80HD

My daughter made up that joke when she was 8.

If I had a quarter for every time someone over 40 told me my generation sucks...

Then I could afford a house in the economy they ruined.

What's 200 yards long and has an IQ of 40?

The queue to buy toilet paper at Walmart.

My wife just completed a 40 week body building program this morning

It's a girl and weighs 7lbs 12 oz

I’m a 40 year old with the body of a 20 year old...

Any tips for burying him?

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After 40 years as a gynecologist,

John decided he had enough money to retire and take up his real love—car mechanics. He left his practice, enrolled in a car mechanics class and studied hard. The day of the final exam came and John worried if he would be able to complete the test with the same proficiency as his younger classmates. ...

40 years ago today I married my wife

My whole side of the wedding flew over to her home town of Moscow. It was a beautiful ceremony, however i did find some things strange. For instance, the priest never said, "you may now kiss the bride", but I just assumed it was purely an American thing and didn't mind.

Later during the rece...

A group of 40 year old girlfriends discussed where they should meet for dinner....

Finally, it was agreed upon that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the waiters there had tight pants and nice buns.

10 years later at 50 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean...

I always take 40 or 50 lighters with me in a bag...

Not because I'll need them, but you can always use a lighter bag when hiking.

And I make sure it's not an odd number so that way it's even lighter.

I'm a 40-year old with the body of a 20-year old.

Just need to find a place to bury her.

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The 40 year old virgin.

John was 40 years old, but still a virgin. He tried everything possible to get laid, but to no avail. So as a last resort, he decided to pray to the angels up in heaven.

He made it a habit of praying, before going to bed.10 years passed and on his 50th birthday, an angel appeared before him ...

According to my calculations, about 40% of Americans are Republicans

But that’s just a Conservative estimate

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A Group of guys, all turning 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses had big breasts and wore mini-skirts.

Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where
they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet
at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses were attractive.
The food and service was good and the beer selection was excellent.

Ten years ...

A 40 year old man asked the Trainer in the Gym, 'I want to Impress Beautiful Girls, which Machine should I use?'

The Trainer replied, 'Outside the Gym, there is an ATM. Try that'

Everyone is talking about how the inaugural attendance was 1/40 of what it was in 2009...

They don't understand how killer the commute from Moscow is.

Next year I'll give up spreadsheets for 40 days and 40 nights...

It's going to be Excel Lent

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Got a condom still unused from my 18th birthday, I'm 40...

Wish I'd used it because my kids are fucking annoying

A man in rags parks a 40-year-old pickup truck next to a printing store and walks up to the counter.

He says:

- I need 20 pictures of Kim Kardashian. I'll pay later.

The store clerk agrees and makes the prints. The truck guy drives away with them. Some time later, he comes back in decent clothes and a 20-year-old truck, pays for the 20 pictures and says:

- I need 50 pictures of...

My wife just recently completed a 40-week body building course...

It’s a boy and he weighs 11lbs 4oz

MTV turns 40 this year.

Thanks for 14 years of music.

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This guy Bill has been having headaches for about 40 years..

...he doesnt know what to do so he finally goes to a doctor for the pain. The doctor checks him and says "bill I’m not sure how to tell you this , but you have a very rare condition where your balls press up against your spine and put pressure on your head. That’s why you've been getting these heada...

A man and his wife retire after working at their respective jobs for 40+ years and settle on a nice ranch out in the country

The wife asks if she can adopt a cat since all of their kids have grown and moved on, so she was having some empty nest syndromes going on

The husband agrees and they adopt a cat from the local shelter

And this woman adored the cat, lavishing all kinds of love onto the animal

Un...

I lost 40 pounds in a day;

but I also lost my babysitting job.

I just finished reading a book about the history of WD-40.

It was non friction.

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Why does everyone assume that just because I’m a 40 year old loser that I live in my parent’s basement?

My parents don’t have a basement. I live in my bedroom like a big boy.

I don't think women should be allowed to have kids after 40

40 kids is way too much by any standard!

My buddy got arrested on drug charges and because it was his first offense, he thought he would get off lightly, but it turned out his lawyer was one of the worst in the state and ended up botching his case, so instead of getting a short term, he ended up getting 40 years without parole!!

Man, that sentence was way too long!

This is 40

Questioning her career choices, a 40-year old health care worker who treated pregnant women bough a bright red convertible and skipped town. She was having a midwife crisis.

Can anyone show me how to use WD-40?

I'm a bit rusty.

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New book: "40 Yard Dash to the Bathroom"

Written by Willy Makeit
Illustrated by Betty Wont

I'm writing a book about WD-40.

It's Non-Friction

Bill and Hillary are now married for 40 years

Bill and Hillary are now married for 40 years. When they first got married, Bill said, “I am putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it.”

In all their 40 years of marriage, Hillary never looked. However, on the afternoon of their 40th anniversary, curiosity got the best...

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40 years settled

*A woman goes to prison to visit her husband who has just been sentenced to 40 years in jail.*

*As soon as she enters the visiting room, she hugs him and exclaims with tears in her eyes: - "Oh! Roger, 40 years, Roger.?"*

*And the husband replies:*
*"Well, my love, what are you goin...

Why were there only 40,000 Mexicans at the Battle of the Alamo?

They only had 2 trucks

A friend asked me if she should have a baby after 40.

I said no, 40 babies are enough.

People say that 60 is the new 40...

The cop who just pulled me over didn’t agree...

What has 200 legs and 40 teeth?

The first row at a Trump rally.

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What’s the best part about turning 40?

My mom can’t get down stairs so well anymore so I can finally jerk off in peace.

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40 Gypsies arrived at heaven's gates.

St Peter said "we've only got room for 12.

So decide among yourselves who is coming in.

Five minutes later St Peter says to God, "They've gone."

God says, "What, all 40 of them.?"

St Peter says, "No ..the fucking gates!"

The greatest ever song about tortoises was recorded 40 years ago this year...

... "Turtle Eclipse of the Heart".

On the first day, God created the dog...

God said, “Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of 20 years.”

The dog said, “That’s a long time to be barking. How about only 10 years and I’ll give you back the other 10?"

So God agreed.
<...

10, 20, 30, 40, 50, 60, 70, 80, 90, 100, 110, 120...

Don't bother me. My work here is intense.

I'm happy to announce that I've been sober for 40 days!

Not in a row or anything. Just total.

If the Americans took 40 attempts to get WD-40 recipe right

Then the Chinese did very well for getting Covid in 19

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Finally, I’m no longer a 40 year old virgin.

I just turned 41.

Did you hear the one about the guy who owned 40 cats and a pet boa constrictor?

Sorry, I mean the one about the guy with 39 cats and a pet boa constrictor...

An old Arab lived close to New York City for more than 40 years...

...He would have loved to plant potatoes in his garden, but he is alone, old and weak. His son is in college in Paris, so the old man sends him an e-mail. He explains the problem: "Beloved son, I am very sad, because I can't plant potatoes in my garden. I am sure, if only you were here, you would ...

A man is travelling down a desert road when he sees a sign saying "SPEED LIMIT 40". He lowers his speed to 40 MPH.

Half an hour later, he sees one with the words "SPEED LIMIT 20", so he goes down to 20 MPH.

Another half an hour passes, and he sees a sign with the words "SPEED LIMIT 10". Surprised, he slows down to 10 MPH.

After an hour, he sees a sign saying "WELCOME TO SPEED LIMIT!".

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Hired a hitman to kill my wife of 40 years

"I'll shoot her just below the left breast" he said.

I replied "I want her dead mate, not fucking kneecapped"

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If you are over 40, it's no longer called masturbation

If you are over 40, it's no longer called masturbation.

It's called a system check.

Okay, I thought this up on the way to work this morning and I'm like 40% sure it's original.

What did one patch of moss say to the other when asked what he thought of the summer weather?

He said: "I'm lichen it so far!"

Now you're allowed to laugh, if you'd like.

My wd-40 can rusted.

It was irony.

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My wife came to me all happy, saying, “Look darling, you got me this 40 years ago on our honeymoon, and it still fits!"...

I love her so I let it pass. It was a scarf.

I met a girl at a club the other night & she told me she'd show me a good time.

When we got outside, she ran a 40 yard dash in 4.8 seconds.

I just got back from Dubai where I was offered 40 camels for my wife.

I usually smoke Marlboro but hey... a deal's a deal.

I tried having my mother’s phone disconnected, but customer service told me that since the account was in my dad’s name, he’d have to be the one to put in the request.....

The fact that he’d been dead for 40 years didn’t sway the rep. Then a solution hit me: “If I stop paying the bill, you can turn off the service, right?”

“Well, yes,” she said reluctantly. “But that would ruin his credit.”

What has 40 feet and 8 teeth?

The front row at a Willie Nelson concert.

A 60 years old billionaire marries a hot 25 year old girl...

After honeymoon they throw a party celebrating their marriage...

After a few drinks, billionaire's friends want to know the secret of how he landed 25 yo hottie..

"It's simple" billionaire boasts... "I faked my age"

"Yes, but even for a 40/45 years old guy...she is sensational, ...

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At birth, success is being alive. At age 3, success is not pooping your pants. At age 10, success is having friends. At age 16, success is having a driver's license. At age 20, success is having sex. At age 30, success is having money...

At age 40, success is having money.

At age 55, success is having sex.

At age 70, success is having a driver's license.

At age 75, success is having friends.

At age 80, success is not pooping your pants.

At age 100, success is being alive.

How did Jared Fogle lose 40 pounds?

He broke up with his girlfriend.

I'm in an age gap relationship.

I'm 40, she's 19.

Anyway, we went out for a meal, as soon as we walked in the restaurant people shot me dirty looks, then the whispering started "nonce", "pervert" "paedo.

My girlfriend got upset and we left.

Completely spoilt our 10th anniversary.

I met a girl crying outside a mall.

I asked her what's wrong, she said she lost 200$. So I gave her 40$ from the 200$ I picked up at the entrance.
When god blesses you, you must bless others.

I decided to do my thesis on procrastination 40 years ago.

Maybe I should start it next week

I fell off a 40 ft ladder once....

Lucky for me I was on the bottom rung.

What’s the difference between a man falling from a 40 story building and a 4 story building?

One goes: “Ahhhhhhhhh.... Splat”
And the other goes: “Splat....Ahhhhhhhhh”

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I heard that as a 40 yo. guy, I should have sex on average 53 times a year.

December is gonna be awesome!

Today I'm turning 40 but I feel so proud of my 20yr old slim body ...

And if you don't believe me go check my freezer.

Every new McDonald's creates 40 new jobs.

20 dentists and 20 heart surgeons.

I lost 40 pounds this year.

On an unrelated note, if you see a 6 year old boy with brown hair and brown eyes. Please contact me.

A man finds a genie lamp, rubs it and poof a Genie appears.

Genie: I have the power to grant you 3 wishes but keep in mind, whatever you wish, your mother-in-law will receive two-fold…

Man: Ok. My first wish is for 1 billion dollars.

Genie: Your wish is granted, but keep in mind that your mother-in-law will receive 2 billion dollars.

Ma...

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What do you call a nightclub only for those over 40?

Generation XXX

When I was young, I set a life goal for myself: I will buy a Lamborghini at the age of 40. This year, I’ve finally achieved half of the goal.

I turned 40.

Can you believe that only 40% of American homes have a safety switch?

I was shocked!

A guy tried lifting 40 pound dumbbells

"This is too much." He decided.

He spent his money on cheaper dumbbells

John, a wealthy 60 year old man, shows up at the country club one day with his new wife, a smoking hot 22 year old blonde.

His buddies are amazed. "There is no way someone that young and attractive would agree to marry an old geezer like you. How did you pull it off?"

"It's simple," John says, "I lied to her about my age."

"Did you tell her you were 50?" his friends ask. John shakes his head no.

"Th...

A judge calls opposing council into his chambers . . .

. . . and says "Gentlemen, I've called you here to discuss a very serious matter. Both of you have given me bribes to influence my decision".

The lawyers begin to squirm in their seats.

"Mr. Morgenstern, you have given me $40,000 to rule in your favor, and Mr. Atkinson, you have given ...

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A joke from my grandfather who was a dentist for 40 years

How do you know that the toothbrush was invented in West Virginia?

Because everywhere else it would be a teethbrush.

I'm proud that I got 40% on my Latin exam.

After all, you should always XL.

If Hannibal Lecter ran a 4.3 40

The NFL would just say he has an eating disorder

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A woman in her 40’s is checking out at the grocery store

The bagger, a good looking 18 yo guy, asks if she needs help to her car. She says, “yes, thank you.”

As they walk into the parking lot, she leans over to him and says, “you know - I’ve got an itchy pussy.”

The young guy replies, “ You’ll have to point it out ma’am. All these Asian car...

My car was on E. So i went to the gas station and put $40 in the tank.

Now it’s on E+.

What is the only car that can go 40 mph in reverse?

A rental

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I'll admit it, I have a tremendous sex drive.

My girlfriend lives 40 miles away.

Every 40 seconds...

A statistic is misused.

Tom and Anna are both 60 years old and have been married for 40 years.

One day they go for a walk and all of a sudden a good fairy stands in front of them and says, “You’ve been married for so long and you’re so cute together, I’ll grant you a wish each.”

The woman is beside herself with joy and wishes for a trip to Thailand. Poof – she’s holding two tickets to ...

Someone again stole 40% of my dough.

ugh.

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A general, a colonel and a major were having a heated argument on the subject of sex.

The general maintained that sex was 60 percent work and 40 percent fun.
The colonel said that it was 75 percent work and 25 percent fun.
The major thought it was 90 percent work and 10 percent fun.

At the height of the argument, a private appeared at the door. "Let's leave it to him," ...

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A blonde woman asks a dairy farmer to sell her 40 gallons of milk.

“Certainly, ma’am. Might I ask why you need so much milk?”

The blonde replies: “I’m going to take a bath in it...”

“Ok... no problem” he says. “Do you want it pasteurized?”

“No, just up to my boobs.” She responds. “I can splash it above my eyes.”

When my dad turned 40 he left me and my mom and went to Syria to become a terrorist.

I guess he's just going through his midlife ISIS.

My family has been specializing in ventilator sales for over 40 years.

I don't know why we've been getting so many creeps lately at our Only Fans store.

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A man was released from prison after a 40-year sentence.

After he checked into his economy hotel, he called an escort service and told them he wanted 2 of their best girls. He immediately went down to the pharmacy and asked for a bottle of Viagra and the pharmacist told him to only take one pill. To the pharmacist's dismay, he immediately opened the bottl...

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This is from a time when men delivered milk to people's houses, and when Old Lady Doris ordered 40 gallons of milk.

Mr. Mike the Milk Man paused at the end of her driveway and scratched his head. What would Old Lady Doris want 40 gallons of milk for? There must be some mistake. So instead of just delivering it to her porch, he knocked on the door.

Old Lady Doris answered in her housecoat.

"Hi Doris,...

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40 Cents

There was a country family who had struggled with poverty all their lives. Then the daughter got married to the wealthiest bachellor of the nearest town.
All of a sudden their lives started to improve. The husband employed all the wife’s siblings, his company started to buy the family ranch’s...

A recent poll found that just over 40% of Americans consider themselves political pundits.

This is interesting, because the same poll found that just under 15% of Americans know what the word pundit means.

A man's wife dies young

The funeral is heartbreaking. The poll bearers pick up the casket and are moving through the hallway of the funeral home when the casket hits a corner and opens, the body falling out. Miraculously the woman stands up, alive and well!

40 years later, the wife dies again. The funeral is heartbr...

What weighs 40 tons, fits seven guys and is just getting towed away by 2 rednecks in a tractor?

Your Mum.

Turning 40

When my best friend turned 40, I sent him a CD in the mail: UB40.

2 months later, on my 40th, I received a CD in the mail from him: U2.

40 years old and still single.

The son of a Billionaire was tired of his bad luck at finding a woman to marry. His father was sickly and he realized that soon he could be inheriting a fortune.

So that evening he thought of a way he could use his dad's fortune and bad health to his advantage.

He saw a beautiful woma...

The Geography of a Woman:

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa. Half discovered, half wild, fertile, and naturally Beautiful!

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like the USA. Well developed and open to trade, especially for someone of real value.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain. Very hot, r...

If 38 comes before 39, what comes after 40?

back pain

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The Blue Whale ejaculates over 40 gallons of sperm when mating.

The Blue Whale ejaculates over 40 gallons of sperm when mating. Only 10% enters the female.
And you always wondered why the sea tasted salty?

What is born skinless, flies wingless and sings until it dies?

A fart.

*dedicated to my dear departed Grandfather who told me this joke almost 40 years ago when I was a kid.*

Q: Why is the number 40 so good at everything?

A: It’s because it XLs.

Two scientists were walking around in Russia during winter

Scientist one: It's really cold outside, how many degrees?

Scientist two: it's -40°

Scientist one: Celsius or Fahrenheit?

Scientist two: Yes.

A 40 year old couple are hiking in the woods

... They eventually stumble upon Santa Claus. "I will grant you one wish each!" Santa told them. "I want a new car!" The man said, "I want a new TV!" the woman said. Santa Claus, with a smile on his face ".. But on one condition". "and what's that?" the man said, already confused with the encounter....

A 40 something year old man goes have his first prostate exam...

He walks into the doctors office and nervously asks "Doctor this is my first time, where should I leave my pants?" The doctor says "you can hang them over there next to mine".

Exercise for the over 40 crowd.

I came across this exercise suggested for the over 40's to build muscle strength in the arms and shoulders.
The article suggested doing it three days a week.
Begin by standing on a comfortable, flat surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 1kg potato bag in each hand, extend...

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Told to me 40 years ago, by a 15 YO young lady.

Prospector comes into town. It's been 20 years since he's seen a woman. "Barkeep! gimme a whiskey!" He knocks it back and says, "Barkeep! whadda ya do fer wimmen in this town?"

"Well," the bartender replies,"we got Ole' Joe 'round back ... "

"Whoooooa! I don't go in fer that kinda ...

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Guy giving a lecture, on the paranormal.

Guy: "How many people believe in Ghosts?"

About 60 hands go up.

"How many have seen a ghost?"

About 15 hands go up.

"How many have spoken to a ghost?"

3 hands go up.

"How many have had sex with a ghost?"

One hand goes up, Paddy right at the back.
...

An elderly, but hardy cattleman from Texas once told a young female neighbor...

....if she wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on her oatmeal each morning.

She did this religiously and lived to the age of 103.

She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 21 great-grandchildren, five great-great-grandchildren and a 40...

If the air conditioning in your car dies, all you need is some WD-40.

Windows Down - 40mph

40% of Police are reported to have beaten their significant other...

The other 60% are single.

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The Jews wandered in the desert for 40 years.

Who the hell gave them such lousy directions?

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A young lady becomes a hooker, and after her first night on the streets, the other hookers are asking her how it went...

"Well, the first guy I met was really hot! A marine with all kinds of muscles!"

"Ooh! Nice!" another girl says. "How'd it go?"

"Well I told him it was $50 for a fuck. He said he didn't have that much. So I told him it's $25 for a blowjob. He didn't have that much either. So I said it's...

Did you know that a piranha can eat a child in 40 seconds?

Anyway, changing the subject, I lost my job at the aquarium today

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A 40 years old man goes to a circus show

He went there to remind himself of his most precious childhood memories, but mostly because the flyers advertised a pretty peculiar act.

The clowns, the animals, the magicians, all did their part but by the end of the show enters a little old man in his seventies, wearing a bathrobe. The old ...

A Jewish kid asks his dad for 40 bucks

His dad says, "30 bucks??! What the hell do you want with 20 bucks??!!"

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Why do 40,000 people get injured by their toilets each year?

Because the toilets are done taking their shit.

They say life begins at 40

So you could say your son wasn't even alive when I ran him over with my car.

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