UPJOKE

### What has 4 letters, sometimes 9 letters, always 6 letters, but never has 5 letters.

Hint: Not a question

### My 9 year old daughter made up this joke. "Why did the bull get fat?"

Because he ate too many cowleries.

### What's the difference between 9/11 and a cow?

Can't milk a cow for 21 years.

### Without Arabs, we wouldn't have 9/11.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Not aware that 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company.

Boy: ‟Dark in here.”
Man: ‟Yes it is.”
Boy: ‟I have a baseball.”
Man: ‟That's nice.”
Man: ‟No, thanks.”
Man: ‟How much did you say the baseball was again?”
Boy: ‟\$250.”

In the next few weeks, it happ...

### 6 was afraid of 7 because 789. But why did 7 eat 9?

Because he needed 3² meals a day.

### Whats the problem with 9/11 jokes

they're two plane

### What is 6.9?

A good thing ruined by a period.

### 99.9% of people are idiots.

Fortunately, I belong to the 1% of intelligent people

### 9 months later!!!

John decided to go skiing with his buddy, Keith. So they loaded up John's minivan and headed north.

After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm
door if they could spend the nigh...

### I've posted 9 puns here in this sub but none of them got upvoted. If this one doesn't either, then...

...no pun in ten did

### 9/10 Redditors are idiots

I'm glad to be the 1%

### I got into a fight with 1,3,5,7 and 9.

The odds were against me

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### A husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their 9 children.

A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### I was blessed with a 9 inch penis.

The priest is in jail now.

### Why is 6.9 the worst number？

It's a 69 interrupted by a period

### 9 out of 10 doctors reccommend for children to drink water instead of soda

that 1 doctor lives in flint michigan

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### Two 9/11 conspiracy theorists are in a plane when it crashes

An instant later they find themselves in the afterlife, being judged by Almighty God Himself.

One falls to his knees, "I deplore you, all-powerful Creator of the universe! Before you judge me, I humbly beg you, reveal who was behind the September 11 attacks!"

God sighs. "Muslim extremi...

Quarenteens.

### My 9-yr old daughter just told me this one.

What did Mrs. Claus say to Santa when she looked out the window?

It looks like rain, dear.

### 4, 6, 8 and 9 have all been killed.

2, 3, 5, 7 and 11 are the prime suspects.

### I bang my wife with a solid 9 inches everyday

3 inches in the morning

3 inches in the afternoon

3 inches in the evening

### Jack, a handsome man, walked into a sports bar around 9:58pm

He sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV as the 10:00 news came on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Jack and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"

Jack says, "You know what, I bet he...

### I hate how funerals are always at 9 or 10am...

I'm not really a mourning person.

### 9/10 people.

Accordion to research, 9/10 people don't notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### I learned recently that 9/10 men masturbate regularly

You don't want to know how the last guy does it...

Note: all my jokes I post here are originals I'm working on, so as always, feedback is good yadda yadda yadda

### Why are 9/11 victims the best readers?

They can go through 94 stories in seconds!

### I tried to teach my kid to count to ten but he just says “1, 3, 5, 7, 9”

He literally can’t even

### Father: When Abe Lincoln was your age he walked 9 miles to school and did homework by candlelight.

Son: When Lincoln was your age he was President.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### How are women's buttholes and 9 volt batteries alike?

You know you shouldn't, but eventually you'll put your tounge on it.

### Garlic powder \$5.99. Steak seasoning \$14.99. Pepper shaker \$9.99.

Forgetting to grab your shopping bag at the grocery store counter.......spiceless

### For a change of pace, here's a limerick; "( (12 + 144 + 20 + 3 Sqrt[4]) / 7 ) + 5*11 = 9^2 + 0"

Sorry, did that not make any sense?

>"A dozen, a gross, and a score,
>
>plus three times the square root of four,
>
>divided by seven,
>
>plus five times eleven,
>
>is nine squared and not a bit more."

### When I was about 9 years old, my father forced me to go with him to the funeral of a friend of his, that I didn't know.

When we got there, I stayed in a corner, waiting for time to pass by. Then a man approached me and said, "Enjoy life boy, be happy because time flies. Look at me now.... I didn't enjoy it." He then passed his hand over my head and left.

My father, before leaving, forced me to say goodbye to ...

### why is everyone posting about 9/11?

It's still 2 months away.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### What does a 9 volt battery and a woman’s arsehole have in common?

You know it’s wrong, but sooner or later you’re going to stick your tongue on it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### Her 9-year old grandson came in from outside and asked,

"Grandma, what’s that called when two people sleep in the same bedroom and one is on top of the other?"
Taken aback, she decided to be honest, "It's called sexual intercourse."
"Oh, okay," and he went back to play with his friends. A few minutes later he returned saying angrily, "Grandma, it...

### A man working a 9-5 office job starts feeling worthless and decides to make a career change into the adult film industry

He starts off with vanilla stuff and builds up his self-esteem. He then decides to go for the more fetishized stuff and gets cast making incest films as the role of step-dad.

He wakes up one day and realizes how happy he's become since he started coming into his own.

### My wife just told me that in 9 months, I’m in for a big surprise...

I can’t wait for Santa to come now!!

### Chuck Norris's password is the last 9 digits of pi.

Chuck Norris can divide by 0.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity twice

Chuck Norris can cross a vector with a scalar

Chuck Norris is so tough he can draw a circle with exactly 100 degrees.

Chuck Norris is so badass he can find value of a variable in an expansion without fac...

### My 9 year old son has started asking awkward questions about the human body...

I suppose the freezer wasn't the best place to hide it.

### To the couple that left their 9 children at Yankee stadium for the day

Please come pick them up. They're beating the Yankees 11 - 2.

### When I was 9, I was touched by an Angel.

Angel Martinez, currently serving 16 years.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### We have just admitted a 43 year old man who came in with 9 plastic horses shoved up his rectum

We've listed his condition as 'stable'

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### A lady almost 9 months pregnant falls down some stairs and knocks herself out...

When she wakes up, she is in a hospital bed.

Doctor: "We had to deliver your fraternal twins while you slept, but they are completely healthy. Also, your brother stopped by and named them for you"

New Mother: "My brother named them? But he's an idiot! What are their names?"
...

### TIL that I was born exactly 9 months after my Dad's 32nd birthday...

and my mom gives awful birthday gifts.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### My 9 year old just told me this joke and I thought I would share

What do you call rich peanut butter?

Jif Bezos

### What did 11 say to 4, 9, and 25?

You're all a bunch of squares.

### Star Wars Episode 7-9 Titles Revealed

Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens

Star Wars Episode VIII: The Force Sleeps For Five More Minutes

Star Wars Episode IX: The Force Is Late For Work

### My 9 year old told me this one. What is the difference between girl spaghetti and boy spaghetti?

Meatballs.

She's so petite and delicate so it was perfectly hilarious.

### An o‌‌ld w‌‌oman a‌‌sks h‌‌er h‌‌usband o‌‌f 6‌‌9 y‌‌ears

‌‌"Honey, w‌‌hat d‌‌id y‌‌ou t‌‌hink o‌‌f m‌‌e w‌‌hen y‌‌ou f‌‌irst s‌‌aw m‌‌e?".

"My f‌‌irst t‌‌hought w‌‌as t‌‌hat I‌‌ w‌‌anted t‌‌o f‌‌uck y‌‌our b‌‌rains o‌‌ut a‌‌nd s‌‌uck y‌‌our t‌‌its d‌‌ry", h‌‌e r‌‌eplied.

"And w‌‌hat d‌‌o y‌‌ou t‌‌hink o‌‌f m‌‌e n‌‌ow, d‌‌arling?", t‌‌he o‌‌l...

### Proof that 9/11 wasn't a government plot:

It worked.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### Dad given advice to his son "if you're hiking and a 9 foot grizzly rears up, you just"

"reach back, grab a handful of shit and throw it in the bear's eyes. Then run."

Son "Where do you get the shit from?"

"Trust me, it'll be there."

### My 9-year old told this one today. What does Snoop Dogg say after performing a magic trick?

Ta da da da da

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### Studies show that 98.9% of men masturbate

The rest don't have arms.

Wonder-pants!

### Joke from my 9 year old brother- our dad is dead

Who would win in a fight? Our dad or a plate of spaghetti?

### My girlfriends favourite position is 6.9

Personally, I prefer it without the period.

### My friend working in the Marriott WTC doesn’t approve of 9/11 jokes.

They hit too close to home.

### *Knock knock* (courtesy of a 9 year old)

Who's there?

I eat map.

I eat map who?

*Queue a disgusted face on my cousin* **YOU EAT YOUR POO!**

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### 9/10 men prefer large boobs.

The other man prefers the 9 men.

### A teacher just graded one of her students’ homework 9/10 and 14/10

The student was so happy and she showed it to her mom as soon as she reached home.

However, the mom feels mildly disturbed as she thought the 14/10 didn’t make any sense. “14 out of 10? The teacher was just randomly writing the grade, so irresponsible”, she thought like this and the next day ...

### If Listerine kills 99.9% of germs

and what doesn't kill something makes it stronger,

are we really on the right track with all this dental hygiene stuff?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### My first NSFW joke that I proudly wrote when I was 9 years old: What's the difference between tennis and badminton?

A: One you play with your balls, one you play with your cock.

### If 9/10 people suffer from diarrhea,

Does that mean that 1/10 people enjoy it?

### Don't complain about Microsoft skipping Windows 9.

They've never been able to count. They came out with Microsoft DOS without ever releasing Microsoft UNO.

Na-BOO!

### I always feel like a 9 or 10 after I leave a buffet....

Because I over ate.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### Two brothers are in their room one morning. The older brother says, "Billy, I'm 9 and you're 6. We're practically men. So today when we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say hell and you're gonna say ass."

illy nods his head in excitement and they go downstairs. The boys sit at the table and their mom greets them.

"Good morning boys, what would ya'll like for breakfast?"

Billy looks at his older brother, who smiles and throws his arm over the back rest and says, "Ah hell mom, make it che...

### In America some dogs are K-9

In China some dogs are E-10

### Why did Star Wars come out in the order of 4,5,6,1,2,3,7,8,9?

“in charge of scheduling, I was”

Credit: u/Demonazzzz

### George Bush started cracking a 9/11 joke, but one of his advisors whispered, “Too soon.”

It was September 10th.

### What is Colgate Sensitive supposed to do if Colgate kills 99.9% of germs?

It kills 99.9% of them without hurting their feelings.

### why are 8,9 and 10 always eating snacks and soft drinks?

Because they are in the 7/11

### I once had 9 different dates, the first eight we went for a meal and on the ninth it was a film.

It went dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner…Batman.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### 9 out of 10 men keep their eyes closed during sex

I have to keep mine open to look out for my wife

Clickbait

### A newbie walks into work at 9:00 on his first day . He is very late and the boss is furious. “You should have been here at 8:30!” he shouts.

“Why?” says the guy. “What happened at 8:30?”