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I was blessed with a 9 inch penis.

The priest is in jail now.

Jack, a handsome man, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm.

He sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV as the 10:00 news came on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Jack and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"

Jack says, "You know what, I be...

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Two brothers are in their room one morning. The older brother says, "Billy, I'm 9 and you're 6. We're practically men. So today when we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say hell and you're gonna say ass."

illy nods his head in excitement and they go downstairs. The boys sit at the table and their mom greets them.

"Good morning boys, what would ya'll like for breakfast?"

Billy looks at his older brother, who smiles and throws his arm over the back rest and says, "Ah hell mom, make it che...

4, 6, 8 & 9 have all been killed.

2, 3, 5, 7 & 11 are the prime suspects.

I've posted 9 puns here in this sub but none of them got upvoted. If this one doesn't either, then...

...no pun in ten did

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What does a woman’s asshole and a 9-volt battery have in common?

You know it’s wrong, but you put your tongue on it anyway.

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What does a 9 volt battery and a woman’s arsehole have in common?

You know it’s wrong, but sooner or later you’re going to stick your tongue on it.

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My first NSFW joke that I proudly wrote when I was 9 years old: What's the difference between tennis and badminton?

A: One you play with your balls, one you play with your cock.

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When I was about 9 years old, I accompanied my father to the funeral of a friend of his, someone who I didn't even know.

When we got there, I stayed in a corner waiting for the time to pass.

Then a man approached me and said, 'Enjoy life kid, be happy because time flies. Look at me now, I didn't enjoy it.'
Then he passed his hand over my head and left.

My father, before leaving, forced me to say goodb...

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A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Not aware that 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company.

Boy: ‟Dark in here.”
Man: ‟Yes it’s.”
Boy: ‟I have a baseball.”
Man: ‟That's nice.”
Boy: ‟Want to buy it?”
Man: ‟No, thanks.”
Boy: ‟That's my dad outside.”
Man: ‟How much did you say the baseball was again?”
Boy: ‟$250.”

In the next few weeks, it hap...

Q: Do you know what 6.9 is?

A: A good thing screwed up by a period.

What has 4 letters, sometimes 9 letters, but never has 5 letters.

Just a hint: I didn't ask a question.

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9/10 Redditors are fucking idiots

Glad to be in that 1%

We know why 6 is afraid of 7 but do you know *why* 7 ate 9?

Because you need 3 square meals a day!

My doctor says that each cigarette I smoke takes 9 minutes off of my life.

Based on that math, I should've died in 1987.

9 and 5 walk into a haunted house...

9 leans over and whispers "I'm squared."

5 laughs and replies "I'm not, that would be irrational."

If it weren't for Arabs, we would never have 9/11

Instead it would be IX / XI

I hate how funerals are at 9.00am.

I'm not really a mourning person.

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I see the NSFW joke you wrote when you were 9, and raise you the NSFW joke I wrote when I was 11

Parallel lines are like asexual couples, they’re very close but they never touch

So six was afraid cause 7 8 9 right why was ten scared?

They were in the middle 9 11

Come in number 9, your time is up.

Boss, we've only got 8 boats.

Number 6, are you in trouble?

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A baby spends 9 months getting out of someones pussy.

Then it spends the entire rest of its life getting back in again.

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Which Pie takes 9 months to Bake?

A cream pie!!!

99.9% of people are dumb

Fortunately, I belong to 1% of smart people

Buy all the 9/11 related domains

Is apparently the wrong answer to “What would you do with a time machine?”

6 was afraid of 7 because 789. But why did 7 eat 9?

Because he needed 3² meals a day.

George Bush started cracking a 9/11 joke, but one of his advisors whispered, “Too soon.”

It was September 10th.

"I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week. Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor's office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am. I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45 am.

The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn't have any time to spare.

As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort. So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pajamas, wet the ...

Just been speaking to a mate of mine, he's just seen the Chernobyl documentary.

He actually grew up in Ukraine in the 1980's and was able to count at least 11 historical inaccuracies on one hand.

3" , 6", & 9" are which Shakespeare plays?

Much Ado About Nothing... As You Like It ...& Taming of the Shrew.

A guy sits down at a bar & orders 9 shots of bourbon...

The bartender says “whoa...are you sure you don’t want to take those one at a time?”

“Nope” he says quickly. So the bartender goes ahead and brings him 9 shots, which he throws down the second they hit the table.

“Good lord,” says the bartender. “I’ve never seen anyone down drinks lik...

9/11 was inevitable

I'm not an expert, but it's is going to happen this year as well.

(from my 9 year old) What is the scariest planet in Star Wars?

Na-BOO!

6.9 is my worst and least favorite number

That is because it is 69 that was ruined by a period

Apparently, 9 out of 10 people don’t trust stairs

They know they’re up to something

9 months later!!!

John decided to go skiing with his buddy, Keith. So they loaded up John's minivan and headed north.

After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm
and asked the attractive lady who answered the
door if they could spend the nigh...

9 months from now there will be a baby boom. 13 years later will give rise to the next generation, known as

Quarenteens.

Paul's height is six feet, he is an assistant at a butcher shop and wears size 9 shoes. What does he weigh?

Meat.

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At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 9-year-old baseball players aside and asked,...

“Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?”
The little boy nodded in the affirmative.
“Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?”
The little boy nodded yes.
“So,” the coach continued, “I’m sure you know, when an out is called, you shou...

What has 9 arms and sucks?

Def Leppard

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My wife and I are a perfect match....I've got a 9-inch penis.....

And she doesn't know which end of the tape measure to hold.

An o‌‌ld w‌‌oman a‌‌sks h‌‌er h‌‌usband o‌‌f 6‌‌9 y‌‌ears

‌‌"Honey, w‌‌hat d‌‌id y‌‌ou t‌‌hink o‌‌f m‌‌e w‌‌hen y‌‌ou f‌‌irst s‌‌aw m‌‌e?".

"My f‌‌irst t‌‌hought w‌‌as t‌‌hat I‌‌ w‌‌anted t‌‌o f‌‌uck y‌‌our b‌‌rains o‌‌ut a‌‌nd s‌‌uck y‌‌our t‌‌its d‌‌ry", h‌‌e r‌‌eplied.

"And w‌‌hat d‌‌o y‌‌ou t‌‌hink o‌‌f m‌‌e n‌‌ow, d‌‌arling?", t‌‌he o‌‌l...

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My German girlfriend likes to rate my sexual performances on a scale of 1-10...

...last night we tried anal. She kept yelling 9! 9! 9! That’s my best score yet!

An American walks into an Irish pub, he asks the bartender for an Irish Car Bomb.

The bartender grimaces, "Excuse me?"

The man smiles, "It's a drink, you don't have those? Irish car bombs?"

The bartender lights up and replies, "Oh I have something similar, one moment!"

He then takes two tall shot glasses side by side, fills them with vodka, and lights them af...

9/11 wouldn't have happened if it took place in the UK

It would be 11/9.

A joke my 9 yr old told at a BBQ we had over the weekend. He brought down the house.

Why do squirrels swim on their backs?

To keep their nuts dry!

Dear Americans

Dear Americans,
As today is 9.11 I wish you all the best and am really sorry for your losses.

Greetings from Europe!

What do bad jokes have in common with the planes on 9/11?

They don't stick the landing.

What o‌‌ne f‌‌ood r‌‌educes a‌‌ w‌‌oman's s‌‌ex d‌‌rive b‌‌y 9‌‌0%?

Wedding c‌‌ake.

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond.

As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what ...

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K-9 Super Dog

My dog, Enforcer, has extremely sensitive olfactory receptors. I have trained him to be able to detect everything from bombs and drugs to cancer.

We do a lot of training for the police and the process can be very annoying. There is always at least one officer that doesn't believe a dog can d...

You guys always say that 6 was scared of 7 cuz 7 8 9

but 10 died in the middle of 9 11

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#929: A husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their 9 children.

A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man a...

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My son, 9 years old told me these jokes on different days and I wrote them all down as he told them.

What did the the dancer say when he found proof:

he found evi-dance

What did the lazy person buy at the store?

A Nap-kin

What is a goldfishes favorite story?

Goldilocks

What did the musician say when he was safe?

I’m safe and SOUND.

What do bu...

I challenged the number 1 to a fight. When 1 showed up, he brought 3, 5, 7 and 9.

The odds were against me.

My 9 year old daughter just now. Where do people get their lies from?

From the lie-brary

When Usain Bolt finishes in 9 seconds the world celebrates

But when I do it my girlfriend gets disappointed...

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I made a compilation of my favorite 10 jokes from this sub. The first 9 are great but #10 is fucking gold.

1. Great

2. Great

3. Great

4. Great

5. Great

6. Great

7. Great

8. Great

9. Great

10. Fucking Gold.

I had my driving exams today and scored 9 out of 10

The last guy managed to jump out of the way

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My girlfriend wanted me to give her 9 inches and make it hurt.

So I fucked her three times then slapped her.

9/11 jokes aren't funny

The other 2/11 are quite good though!

Some people say 9/11 was an inside job

But 7/11 is a part time job

Every other country simply does not understand why the United States keeps making such a big deal about 9/11...

"Never forget", "Fallen Heroes", "forever in our hearts",

Big woop, it means nothing to us.

the 9th of November is just as boring as any other day

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9 out of 10 dentists agree...

That the one other dentist is shit at their job.

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9 year old Johnny walks into class

Teacher: Johnny, why have you got a black eye? Were you in a fight?

Johnny: No miss, Me and my parents sleep in one bed. And last night, when the room was dark, my father asked me, "Johnny, are you sleeping?" I said, "No, dad". And I got a slap on my face and got a black eye.

Teacher: ...

You know, all kidding aside I really hate 9/11 jokes.

I mean, they’re just plane wrong.

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How are women's buttholes and 9 volt batteries alike?

You know you shouldn't, but eventually you'll put your tounge on it.

As we observe the anniversary of 9/11 today, remember...

All buildings matter.

I asked my cousin how he feels about his birthday being 9/11...

He said it's great because everyone remembers it's his birthday.

They "never forget"

9 out of 10 doctors recommend United Airlines.

One was removed.

My 9-yr old daughter just told me this one.

What did Mrs. Claus say to Santa when she looked out the window?

It looks like rain, dear.

Why do 9 ants get to live in an apartment for free?

Because they’re not tenants

A mathematician asked me to turn 6 into 9 by subtraction

Me: You mean by addition?

Him: No, by subtraction.

Me: I guess by subtracting negative 3? Idk

Him: You know this world would be a better place if people like you don’t overcomplicate things. Just remove the “S” dumbass

A french soldier had 9 bullets left

"It's neuf or nothing," he said.

I don't like making 9/11 jokes.

in my experience, they never land well.

My son turned 9 today

now its a 6

Going down on my girl is similar to 9/11

Bush is involved.

Microsoft has released Windows 7, Windows 8, and Windows 10. What happened to Windows 9 ?

Seven ate nine.

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There's a reason why condoms come in packets of 6, 9 and 12

It's because they're meant to accommodate men around the world.

The packet of 6 is for the religious men: Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, never on a Sunday.

The packet of 9 is for those really amorous men: Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, twice on ...

How did Palpatine talk to Kylo Ren before episode 9?

Snoke Signals

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Man, 27, muscular, 9" cock.



Seeking woman that doesn't objectify men.

So a time traveler meets George W Bush...

Time Traveler: "What year is it?"

George Bush: "2001"

TT: "Before or after the 9/11 terrorist attack?"

GB: "Before"

9/10 doctors recommended Colgate

Except Dr Pepper

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After years of failure Jerry finally broke the world record for the longest ejaculation. (18 feet and 9 inches)

He did what no man could that came before him

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Courtesy of my 9 year old:

Q: What does beaver poop look like?
A: A log.

(From my 9 year-old son) What type of fish should you use to catch other fish?

Bait-a fish.

If Colgate kills 99.9% of bacterias in mouth, what does Colgate sensitive do?

It kills 99.9% without hurting their feelings.

Why Cant Americans take a 9/11 joke?

cause it flies right by their heads...

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