UPJOKE
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9 Jokes

6 was scared of 7 because 7,8,9 but why did 7 eat 9?

Because you are supposed to eat 3 squared meals per day

9 months later!!!

John decided to go skiing with his buddy, Keith. So they loaded up John's minivan and headed north.

After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm
and asked the attractive lady who answered the
door if they could spend the nigh...

What is 6.9?

A good thing ruined by a period.

Without Arabs, we wouldn't have 9/11.

We'd have IX/XI instead.

99.9% of people are idiots.

Fortunately, I belong to the 1% of intelligent people

Whats the problem with 9/11 jokes

they're two plane

9/10 Redditors are idiots

I'm glad to be the 1%

What's the difference between 9/11 and a cow?

Can't milk a cow for 21 years.

Why is 6.9 the worst number？

It's a 69 interrupted by a period

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was blessed with a 9 inch penis.

The priest is in jail now.

What has 4 letters, sometimes 9 letters, always 6 letters, but never has 5 letters.

Hint: Not a question

9/10 people.

Accordion to research, 9/10 people don't notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.

My 9 year old daughter made up this joke. "Why did the bull get fat?"

Because he ate too many cowleries.

4, 6, 8 and 9 have all been killed.

2, 3, 5, 7 and 11 are the prime suspects.

My 9-yr old daughter just told me this one.

What did Mrs. Claus say to Santa when she looked out the window?

It looks like rain, dear.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two 9/11 conspiracy theorists are in a plane when it crashes

An instant later they find themselves in the afterlife, being judged by Almighty God Himself.

One falls to his knees, "I deplore you, all-powerful Creator of the universe! Before you judge me, I humbly beg you, reveal who was behind the September 11 attacks!"

God sighs. "Muslim extremi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their 9 children.

A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man a...

9 out of 10 doctors reccommend for children to drink water instead of soda

that 1 doctor lives in flint michigan

I bang my wife with a solid 9 inches everyday

3 inches in the morning

3 inches in the afternoon

3 inches in the evening



It adds up :)

I hate how funerals are always at 9 or 10am...

I'm not really a mourning person.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I learned recently that 9/10 men masturbate regularly

You don't want to know how the last guy does it...


Note: all my jokes I post here are originals I'm working on, so as always, feedback is good yadda yadda yadda

Jack, a handsome man, walked into a sports bar around 9:58pm

He sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV as the 10:00 news came on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Jack and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"

Jack says, "You know what, I bet he...

Why are 9/11 victims the best readers?

They can go through 94 stories in seconds!

I've posted 9 puns here in this sub but none of them got upvoted. If this one doesn't either, then...

...no pun in ten did

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How are women's buttholes and 9 volt batteries alike?

You know you shouldn't, but eventually you'll put your tounge on it.

why is everyone posting about 9/11?

It's still 2 months away.

9 months from now there will be a baby boom. 13 years later will give rise to the next generation, known as

Quarenteens.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman's asshole is like a 9-volt battery.

You know you shouldn't, but sooner or later you're going to put your tongue on it.

Garlic powder $5.99. Steak seasoning $14.99. Pepper shaker $9.99.

Forgetting to grab your shopping bag at the grocery store counter.......spiceless

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Her 9-year old grandson came in from outside and asked,

"Grandma, what’s that called when two people sleep in the same bedroom and one is on top of the other?"
Taken aback, she decided to be honest, "It's called sexual intercourse."
"Oh, okay," and he went back to play with his friends. A few minutes later he returned saying angrily, "Grandma, it...

Father: When Abe Lincoln was your age he walked 9 miles to school and did homework by candlelight.

Son: When Lincoln was your age he was President.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does a 9 volt battery and a woman’s arsehole have in common?

You know it’s wrong, but sooner or later you’re going to stick your tongue on it.

I tried to teach my kid to count to ten but he just says “1, 3, 5, 7, 9”

He literally can’t even

Chuck Norris's password is the last 9 digits of pi.

Chuck Norris can divide by 0.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity twice

Chuck Norris can cross a vector with a scalar

Chuck Norris is so tough he can draw a circle with exactly 100 degrees.

Chuck Norris is so badass he can find value of a variable in an expansion without fac...

When I was 9, I was touched by an Angel.

Angel Martinez, currently serving 16 years.

Star Wars Episode 7-9 Titles Revealed

Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens

Star Wars Episode VIII: The Force Sleeps For Five More Minutes

Star Wars Episode IX: The Force Is Late For Work

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Not aware that 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company.

Boy: ‟Dark in here.”
Man: ‟Yes it is.”
Boy: ‟I have a baseball.”
Man: ‟That's nice.”
Boy: ‟Want to buy it?”
Man: ‟No, thanks.”
Boy: ‟That's my dad outside.”
Man: ‟How much did you say the baseball was again?”
Boy: ‟$250.”

In the next few weeks, it happ...

My wife just told me that in 9 months, I’m in for a big surprise...

I can’t wait for Santa to come now!!

My 9 year old son has started asking awkward questions about the human body...

I suppose the freezer wasn't the best place to hide it.

TIL that I was born exactly 9 months after my Dad's 32nd birthday...

and my mom gives awful birthday gifts.

Proof that 9/11 wasn't a government plot:

It worked.

What did 11 say to 4, 9, and 25?

You're all a bunch of squares.

A lady almost 9 months pregnant falls down some stairs and knocks herself out...

When she wakes up, she is in a hospital bed.

Doctor: "We had to deliver your fraternal twins while you slept, but they are completely healthy. Also, your brother stopped by and named them for you"

New Mother: "My brother named them? But he's an idiot! What are their names?"
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Studies show that 98.9% of men masturbate

The rest don't have arms.

To the couple that left their 9 children at Yankee stadium for the day

Please come pick them up. They're beating the Yankees 11 - 2.

9/11 Threesome.

When twins go down on you.

My girlfriends favourite position is 6.9

Personally, I prefer it without the period.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When I was about 9 years old

When I was about 9 years old, I accompanied my father to the funeral of a friend of his, someone who I didn't even know.

When we got there, I stayed in a corner waiting for the time to pass.

Then a man approached me and said, 'Enjoy life kid, be happy because time flies. Look at me now...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

9/10 men prefer large boobs.

The other man prefers the 9 men.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My 9 year old just told me this joke and I thought I would share

What do you call rich peanut butter?

Jif Bezos

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a 58 year old man that has sex with a 9 year old girl?

The Prophet Muhammad.

*Knock knock* (courtesy of a 9 year old)

Who's there?

I eat map.

I eat map who?

*Queue a disgusted face on my cousin* **YOU EAT YOUR POO!**

For a change of pace, here's a limerick; "( (12 + 144 + 20 + 3 Sqrt[4]) / 7 ) + 5*11 = 9^2 + 0"

Sorry, did that not make any sense?

How about -

>"A dozen, a gross, and a score,
>
>plus three times the square root of four,
>
>divided by seven,
>
>plus five times eleven,
>
>is nine squared and not a bit more."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

We have just admitted a 43 year old man who came in with 9 plastic horses shoved up his rectum

We've listed his condition as 'stable'

A man working a 9-5 office job starts feeling worthless and decides to make a career change into the adult film industry

He starts off with vanilla stuff and builds up his self-esteem. He then decides to go for the more fetishized stuff and gets cast making incest films as the role of step-dad.

He wakes up one day and realizes how happy he's become since he started coming into his own.

If Listerine kills 99.9% of germs

and what doesn't kill something makes it stronger,

are we really on the right track with all this dental hygiene stuff?

If 9/10 people suffer from diarrhea,

Does that mean that 1/10 people enjoy it?

An o‌‌ld w‌‌oman a‌‌sks h‌‌er h‌‌usband o‌‌f 6‌‌9 y‌‌ears

‌‌"Honey, w‌‌hat d‌‌id y‌‌ou t‌‌hink o‌‌f m‌‌e w‌‌hen y‌‌ou f‌‌irst s‌‌aw m‌‌e?".

"My f‌‌irst t‌‌hought w‌‌as t‌‌hat I‌‌ w‌‌anted t‌‌o f‌‌uck y‌‌our b‌‌rains o‌‌ut a‌‌nd s‌‌uck y‌‌our t‌‌its d‌‌ry", h‌‌e r‌‌eplied.

"And w‌‌hat d‌‌o y‌‌ou t‌‌hink o‌‌f m‌‌e n‌‌ow, d‌‌arling?", t‌‌he o‌‌l...

In America some dogs are K-9

In China some dogs are E-10

Don't complain about Microsoft skipping Windows 9.

They've never been able to count. They came out with Microsoft DOS without ever releasing Microsoft UNO.

Joke from my 9 year old brother- our dad is dead

Who would win in a fight? Our dad or a plate of spaghetti?
The spaghetti because dad PASTAway

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dad given advice to his son "if you're hiking and a 9 foot grizzly rears up, you just"

"reach back, grab a handful of shit and throw it in the bear's eyes. Then run."





Son "Where do you get the shit from?"





"Trust me, it'll be there."

My 9 year old told me this one. What is the difference between girl spaghetti and boy spaghetti?

Meatballs.

She's so petite and delicate so it was perfectly hilarious.

Why was 6 afraid of 7?

6 never did trust 7. Sure, they worked closely together, but 7 always seemed at odds with him. 6 always preferred the company of 4, a perfect 10 of a duo, even though 2 kept them apart.
But when it came to 7? 6 always summed it up to bad luck. Then, 6 found the truth.
6 respected 9, even thoug...

K-9 Names

Working in the city we work hand in hand with the city police.
So the other day I saw the Sergeant walking 2 new K-9s. I asked her their names and she points to 1 and says this is Rolex and this pointing to the other dog is Timex.
Now I thought that was strange so I said don’t you think that’s...

What did the 0 say to the 9?

Please put that thing away.

What has 9 letters and makes everyone mad?

Clickbait

My 9-year old told this one today. What does Snoop Dogg say after performing a magic trick?

Ta da da da da

We all know the unfortunate end to 9, being that 7 8 9, but have your heard how 10 died?

He got caught in the middle of 9/11

A boy calls 9-11.

"9-11 what is your emergency?"

The boy replied, "My parents are fighting and I'm scared.."

"Well who's your father?"

"Well that's what they're fighting about."

A teacher just graded one of her students’ homework 9/10 and 14/10

The student was so happy and she showed it to her mom as soon as she reached home.

However, the mom feels mildly disturbed as she thought the 14/10 didn’t make any sense. “14 out of 10? The teacher was just randomly writing the grade, so irresponsible”, she thought like this and the next day ...

(from my 9 year old) What is the scariest planet in Star Wars?

Na-BOO!

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