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17 Jokes

Gertrude was a very devout woman who had 17 children

One day her husband passed away and Gertrude remarried the next month and had 19 children with her second husband.

After several years her second husband died and she passed away herself some months afterwards.

During the funeral the priest finished the service with the words “they are...

I've managed 434 days, 12 hours, 47 minutes and 17 seconds of sobriety.

I'm so glad alcohol doesn't dictate my life any more.

A 17-year-old boy who works part-time at Pizza Hut drives up to park in front of the house in a beautiful Porsche.

Naturally, his parents know that there’s no way he earned enough with his after-school job to buy such a car.

“Where did you get that car?” his mom and dad screamed in shock.
“I bought it today,” replied the teen calmly.
“With what money young man?” his mom demands. “We know how much a...

A 17 year old guy walks into a drug store.

He says "I've been invited to Christmas dinner at my new girlfriend's house. Afterwards I hope there is a chance I get lucky, you know what I mean."

Clerk: "How about condoms then? They could come in handy. Here's a pack."

The young man after paying walks to the door, stops, smiles, co...

It was July 17, 1946

The temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees.

The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Max, had invented the first automobile air-conditioner.

The four brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were t...

I found a hat with $17.50 in it and I thought this other guy was going to pick it up but...

...he was too busy juggling.

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When i was 17, my sister caught me masturbating...

She called me a "SICK PERVERT!" and slammed the door.

A few days later, I caught her masturbating. She called me a "SICK PERVERT!" and slammed the door.

Maria is a devout Catholic: She gets married and has 17 children.

Soon after the last child is born her husband dies.

A few weeks later she remarries and over the following years has
another 22 children with her second husband.

After the last child is born her second husband also dies.

Within a month Maria is engaged to be married a third t...

I need help with a 17 year old joke about Jello and Communism

So my friend and I started this game 17 years ago where you have to come up with a jello (we altered the rules to allow *some* pastries) that fit a communist theme.

Everytime we come up with a new one we swear there are none left. I know he cheats, cos I cheat too. My sister came up with Ban...

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A 60 year old man was starting at a 17 year old teen, particularly his hair, on the bus.

The boy, who had just coloured his hair various shades started feeling uncomfortable by the old man's gaze.

Unable to take it anymore, the boy shouted - "What is it old man? Can't stomach when people do wild things?"

The old man replied - "I once fucked a peacock when I was a teen. Wo...

Did you know that a raven has 17 rigid feathers called pinions, while a crow only has 16?

Apparently, the only difference between a raven and a crow is a matter of a pinion.

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NSFW When I was 17, my mom caught me masturbating

She sent me to my room and told me my dad would talk to me after work.

When my Dad came home he sat me down and said "Son, if you keep doing that, you'll go blind"

I said "I'm over here Dad"

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I just read the average age to lose your virginity is 17 years old.

I’m finally above average for something.

First golf joke I’ve heard less than 1,000,000 times.

A Catholic, a Baptist and a Mormon are bragging about the size of their families.

"I have four boys, and my wife is expecting another," says the Catholic. "One more son, and I'll have a basketball team."

"That's nothing," says the Baptist. "I have 10 boys now, and my wife is pregnant w...

51/17 = 3

Odd. Very odd.

I live in Pripyat and I just finished watching Chernobyl

And I gotta say I counted 17 inaccuracies on my right hand alone.

“I’m 17 and have the body of a 5 year old”

My date: “prove it”
Me: *opens freezer*

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I'm 17 and I like to write jokes in my spare time. Thought reddit might like to hear some.

I think blonde jokes are awful. I mean, the poor things don't even understand them.

So I got this pair of shoes that cost me an arm and a leg. Luckily, my mom still pays for everything.

Statistics have shown that 9 out of 11 people are offended by this joke.

I've yet to be dispr...

My girlfriend said I'm terrible in bed

But it's unfair to make a conclusion in 17 seconds

A rich, but miserly father was trying to put a birthday party together for his 17 y/o daughter.

He wanted the party to be extravagant but wanted to spend as little money as possible. He had finished all of the other decorations, and he was left to work on the cake.

"Why not get it ordered from an upscale bakery?" his wife said.

So the father visited a ton of different bakeries an...

Guess who just got 17 missed calls from their ex

my ex

Some crocodiles can grow 17-20 ft

But most have 4

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So Land O’Lakes got rid of the Native American on their package...

...But kept the land. Sounds oddly familiar.

How do Cicadas know to wake up every 17 years?

They have Cicadian rhythm.

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So a 17 year old kid just got a job at a Everything-plus kind of store. The manager tells him that he needs to sell at least $500 of their products per week.

The manager comes a week later and asks the kid how much he made, and the kid says he made $100,000. The manager asks how he did it. So the kid says that a man came in on Friday needing some fishing lures, so he sold him the most expensive pack of lures. He then said to the man “ You’ll need a good ...

3 words, 17 letters. Say it, and I'm yours.

Omelette du Fromage

A Religious Woman Get Married at 17

She's married to her husband for 17 years, has 13 children with him.

He passes away, she marries again. This time, she and her husband are married for 23 years, and have 11 kids before he passes to the other side.

One year later she gets called to Heaven.

At her funeral, the Pri...

Denmark: "We will kill 17 million minks by 2021."

China: "I killed 20 million in two weeks."

World: "You killed 20 million minks in 2 weeks??"

China: "Oh no, sorry, I must've misheard you."

What's 11 plus 2 plus 4 minus 17?

A lot of work for nothing.



Credit: My nine year old and his joke book.

Did you hear about the drug addict who overthrew the government with 17 syllables?

He staged a high coup.

The world record for a drum solo is 10 hours and 17 minutes.

It’s held by the kid who sat behind me on American Airlines flight 86 from DFW to Paris.

If your mom is 17 and your dad is 18, what does that make you?

An accident.

What’s the difference between a Ferrari and 17 dead children?

There’s no Ferrari in my garrage.

People say I have the face of a 17 yo.

I keep telling them its 18 and they shouldn't be snooping in my freezer anyway.

This morning I ran about 4.5 miles in just 17 minutes

Why can't people keep their large size dogs chained???

Why are 17-year-olds like a new car?

0% interest for 12 months.

What did the Alabama sherriff say about the black guy with 17 bullet holes in his back?

He said it was the worse case of suicide he’s ever seen

Botox turns 17 this year

Don’t look surprised

Why did it take 17 years for the TV show Friends to do a reunion?

They were on a break.

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A fellow stuck in a coronavirus outbreak, prayed to God for help.

Soon the head of the WHO came by. He said “Try social distancing! It can save you!”

The fellow shouted back, "No, it's OK, I'm praying to God and he is going to save me.” So the head of the WHO went on.

Then Dr. Fauci came by and told the man “Wear a mask! It can save you!”

The ...

The age of consent here is 17. But I am a gentleman...

I ask for consent regardless of age!

A very religious man went on a safari

When he was there, he found a huge lion. The man didn't have a gun and there was no way he could outrun the lion. So, he did the only thing he could do. He got on his knees and prayed "Dear God, I was always a good Christian. Will you perform a miracle and give this lion some christian feelings"....

1915-17 may have been the worst years in human history for food poisoning.

1.5 million Armenians died from bad turkey.

Yeah, it's a math joke

17: Hey 11, want to hear a joke?

11: Sure.

17: What did one prime number say to the other prime number?

11: I give up.

17: "I can't even."

11 and 17 together: HAHAHA!!!!!

2: I don't get it.

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17% of car accidents are caused by drunk drivers.

That means that 83% are caused by sober drivers.

When will these damn sober jerks get off the road so that our safety can be multiplied by 6?

Why did the teenager call 17 of his friends to watch a movie?

Because on the poster, it said "under 18 not allowed".

A reporter is talking to a 17 year old hockey player

The reporter is asking the kid questions and the coach walks by and says “tell them what you know kid it won’t take very long.” The kid looks back at the coach and says, “ I’ll tell them what we both know it won’t take any longer.”

What's the difference between 17 and 18?

Five to ten years.

After living in my household for 17 years...

...I realized orphans would be better off without a home.

Chinese takeout: $17.00. Gas to get there, $2.11

Getting home to find they’ve forgotten one of your dishes.

Riceless.

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At age 4, success is... not peeing in your pants

At age 12, success is... having friends

At age 17, success is... having a driver's licence

At age 25, success is... having sex

At age 35, success is... having money

At age 45, success is... having money

At age 55, success is... having sex

At age 65, success ...

What do you say to a 60 year old B-17 pilot?

Okay bomber

Why was the 17 blondes waiting outside the club?

Because it said you had to be 18 to get in

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A middle aged man was talking to his elderly father

"I wanted to thank you dad, I remember when I was younger and first dating girls you gave me a piece of advice. You said 'good companion, good in bed, good mother - pick two'"

The father looked kindly at his son and nodded.

"Well, I feel like I have a good life. My wife is kind to me a...

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A couple in bed after sex.

**Her**: My, you've got to be the worst lover in the world.

**Him**: Oh really? And how, exactly, did you figure this out in 17 seconds?

17 Signs You're an Incredulous Skeptic...

you won't believe number 8!

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A Priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the church was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little talk at the dinner. However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited

“I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had s...

A 17-Story building was discovered to be an enormous cocaine factory...

It was illegal on so many levels.

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So this 17 year old boy gets diagnosed with a terminal disease.....

The doctor tells the parents that he only have 3 days left to live, so the parents planned on making it the best 3 days of his life. Being their only child the wanted the best for him. they went to his favorite restaurant, went to the movies and went to an amusement park.
They rent a very expens...

I shot a birdie on hole #17 this morning at the golf course...

damn goose kept honking while I was trying to line up my putt

Trumps going on vacation for 17 days

Or 1.7 Scaramuccis

17 blondes decide to go to cinema...

But when they arrive they don't enter the cinema because it says you have to be 18 to get in.

A 17 in blackjack is like a mother in law

Sometimes you want to hit it, but it's probably smarter not to.

An elderly woman is driving 17 mph on a highway

A cop pulls her over and says “Ma’am, you should know driving too slow is as much of a risk as driving too fast.”

The woman pointed to a sign and said “But Officer, I was going exactly the speed limit!”

The officer says “That’s the route number. You’re on US-17.” He notices another e...

What is the average of 5, 8, 17, N, and N?

Whatever number you want, because the N's justify the mean.

Click here for 17 facts about suicide methods.....

#8 will blow your mind!

I called the library and asked if they could tell me when the Mesozoic Era started.

She said, "About 250 million years ago."

I said, "Could you be more specific? It's for homework."

She said, "Hang on a minute."

She came back and said, "It started September 17, two-hundred and fifty-one million years BC."

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Too much sex can cause memory loss

I read that in a medical journal, page 34 at 3:23PM on a Wednesday, 07/17/1994.

They did a study comparing the brains of 17 people with depression and the brains of 18 healthy people

They discovered that on average, the depressed group had one brain less.

What's the difference between £20.16 and £20.17?

One Pence.

My wife and I were very happy for about 17 years......

Then we met

I’m binging a TV show for free on Amazon, but it won’t let me watch certain episodes. Specifically episode number 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19, 23, 29, 31, 37, 41, 43, 47, 53, 59, 61, 67, 71, 73, 79, 83, 89, and 97.

Those are only available on Amazon Prime.

This is actually a true story, when I was 17 I had a choice to study in Canada or the USA. I chose Canada because it was less expensive

In retrospect I dodged a bullet, maybe multiple bullets

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How many redditors does it take to change a lightbulb?

How many redittors does it take to change a lightbulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

7 to caution about the dangers ...

On the way to his office..

a man walks past a mental asylum surrounded by wooden walls. As he walks past, he can hear the patients chant: "16! 16! 16! 16!"

He was so curious about the chant that he tried to look for a hole on the wall to peer into. He finally found one and he peered his eye into it only to be poked by ...

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Why is 17 referred to as the "Hot Cousin" in black jack?

Because you want to hit it but you'd probably bust and everyone be pissed at you.

What do they call number 17 in black jack ?

The stepmother, because sometimes you want to hit her, even though you shouldn't

I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the Internet was a thing

I asked my 17 brothers and sisters, and they didn't know either

My girlfriend laughed at me for having an existential crisis at 17.

Jokes on her. She doesn't even exist!

My 17-year-old daughter and I made up a joke today! Q: Who is the bread God’s arch-enemy?

A: The Anticrust!

In Half-Life 2, European cities were renamed with numbers - e.g. most events are in City 17; there is also City 69, formerly known as

Nice.

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There's a guy who lives in Ohio

There’s a guy who lives in Ohio. One morning, he hears a voice in his head. The voice says, "Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and go to Las Vegas." He ignores the voice.

Later in the day, he hears the voice again. "Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and ...

I am 23 and haven't had my periods as yet. My little sis is 17 and had her period since 13...

... I feel ashamed to talk about this to my friends because I don't know if I have a problem....

Or does it take longer when you are a boy?

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Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope.

The judge says, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance instead of jail time.
I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug use.
I'll see you back in court Monday.

"On Monday, the judge asks the first guy, "How did you ...

Not many people know that Nelson was 5' 6" in real life. His statue in Trafalgar Square is 17'4"

That's a Horatio of around 3:1

Lying

A minister told his congregation, Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17. The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Ever...

17 years ago, on 20 Dec 1999, a Portuguese farmer was reading the newspaper before tending to his fields and work

His wife walks in the door and quickly glances at the newspaper. "Honey," she says, "We lost one of our animals."

The farmer says nothing.

She asks him, "Where's Macau?"

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How many dead people does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Apparently not 17, cause my basement is still dark.

A patient in a psychiatric hospital is being examined by a shrink. The shrink hands him a piece of paper and asks him, "Look at this inkblot and tell me what do you see."

"Well," the patient says, "I'm not 100% sure, but it looks like Rorschach Series IV, blot #17."

Did you hear about the guy who broke 17 world records while sitting on a pastry?

He's on a roll!

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