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Whats more patriotic than the fourth of July?

The half of July

After my retirement at the company I worked at for 50 years, I looked forward to some relaxation time and putting my feet up, but my wife had other ideas...

... she insisted I take her to the local shopping centre every day.

Like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and out.

She's like most women - loves to browse & leaves me with endless time to fulfill.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter,...

My daughter was born this morning, July 4th.

It’s the day I lost my independence.



(This is also true, she was born around 2:30 this morning and baby and mama are doing well).

This is ridiculous. It's July 6th and people are still setting off fireworks.

One almost caught our Christmas decorations on fire.

Lincoln, Do the Thing!!! (4th of July Joke)

So, it's the 4th of July night and all the dead presidents are gathered around a campfire having a party. They're drinking and eating and just generally having a grand ol' time when President Washington puts President Lincoln on the spot.

W: "Hey, heyyyy, Lincoln, do that thing you do!
...

Is there a 4th of July in the UK?

Yeah… right after the 3rd of July.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It was recently announced that on July 20th, Jeff Bezos and his brother will launch into space on one of his Blue Origin spacecraft

If nothing else, now they will know what it’s like to piss in a bottle

In an attempt to boost morale, my office threw a 'Christmas in July' event today. I got to talking to my coworker from Beijing and asked him, "Why don't Chinese kids believe in Santa Claus?" He confided in me...

"Because they make the toys."

I don’t see why Brits don’t celebrate the 4th of July.

Surely 240 years of being officially separate from America is something to be happy about.

This 4th of July it's important to remember that calling all Americans "Yanks" is a racist stereotype.

We have Rednecks and Hillbillies too!

I brought a date to the 4th of July party...

...really sweetened up the fruit salad.

My son is a man trapped inside a womans body.

He'll be born in July.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My favorite 4th of July joke: Do you know why Americans spell color, humor, and behavior that way they do?

"Because fuck u that's why."

-- George Washington, Revolutionary War

4th of July,

The only time of the year Americans say the day and month in the correct order.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Cancer!

Karen: Doctor, I've not been feeling well lately

Doctor: Well, I've looked at your lab reports and I'm afraid I have some bad news...

Karen: Don't give me this lab nonsense, you bureaucratic paper pusher! I don't believe Western medicine anyways! I've been following homeopathic medicin...

What’s the best drink to have on the 4th of July?

A White Russian. Nothing is more American then a Russian helping you to make poor choices.

Every 4th of July, America sends Britain a locket with a little tiny picture of the United States in it. They want to remind the crown that America is still...

(•_•)

( •_•)>⌐■-■

(⌐■_■)

In *da* pendent

A man wakes up on the 7th of July at 7 o'clock

When he wakes up, he checks his phone and sees that he has 7 missed calls and 7 messages from 7 differents persons. He finds the coincidence pretty funny, gets out of bed with a big smile and gets in his car.

Before starting the engine, he checks on his phone the location of his meeting, when...

Not everyone has off for the 4th of July..

Fire works.

This 4th of July, the British should celebrate Independence Day too.

Now they feel like they dodged a bullet.

If something goes wrong with the 4th of July celebration at Mt. Rushmore...

It will be a monumental disaster.

My wife and I just had a daughter and named her JuneJulyAugust.

We call her Summer for short.

I was standing outside the gym...

And there was a billboard that said: "OPEN 24/7!"

"That's not very helpful," I told myself. "July is ages away."

###

WNBA announces plan to play abbreviated 22-game season in Florida beginning in late July without fans in attendance.

Come on. Do I even have to type the punchline for this one?

Many veterans experience PTSD from the loud bangs of fireworks around holidays like 4th of July and New Years. My advice to them is to use noise-cancelling headphones, Netflix, and pharmaceutical-grade weed.

Just like the children of Kabul.

Hey girl, are you a parked car in July?

Because I want to leave a baby in you.

Last year I blew all my fingers off on the 4th of July

And now my friends say they don't trust me. They say they can't count on me.

This 4th of July please remember it's not "firecracker"

This Independence Day, please remember it's not "firecracker," that term is very offensive to some people. It's "fire-caucasian." Thank you.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The student asks his teacher: Can i go to the bathroom?

Teacher: I don't know, can you?
Student: Yes, i can.
The student leaves for the bathroom.
3 hours later, in detention
Student: Principal!
Principal: What is it?
Student: My 3 hours in detention have finished, can i leave?
Principal: It's "may".
Student: No, i...

HAPPY FOURH OF JULY

Looking for the T?

It's in Boston Harbor.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Due to the growing popularity of no nut november, its wave of abstience is spreading to other months

Such as: no jizz july, no semen september and no dong december

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I recently picked a new primary care doctor

After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age. (I just turned forty in July) A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him,
"Do you think I'll live to be 80?"
He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?"<...

The Goldberg Brothers - Are well known as the Inventors of the automobile Air Conditioner.

Here's a little known fact for automotive buffs, or just to dazzle your friends. The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Maxwell, invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner. On July 17, 1946 , the temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees. 


The four brothers ...

Trump's 4th of July 'Salute to America' has bankrupted Washington D.C's Emergency Planning and Security Fund, which is used to provide police and security support at Presidential events.

This throws uncertainty on whether or not the President will be able to hold the annual Turkey Pardoning Ceremony this November, which is expected to feature a Presidential Pardon for Trump's close personal friend Jeffrey Epstein.

July 2nd, 1776

South America : Hey USA, you free tomorrow night?

USA : ‘Fraid not mate, I can do the night after though.

What do they call the Fourth of July in Hawaii?

Dependence day.

My friend went to an orgy for people born in July

Now she's telling me she came home with crabs

July in Honolulu

July in Honolulu is a tough time flower-wise for making garlands. Often they run out of the desired plumerias, carnations, and orchids. When that happens, they have to make substitutions, which is why the Hawaiians refer to July's garlands as the Daisy Leis of Summer

On July 20, 1969, humans landed on the moon for the first time

We would’ve gone earlier but the moon was full

A man is in love with a woman who shares the same birthday with him (July 22)

He wanted so badly to impress this woman. But they had nothing in common except for the zodiac sign that they shared, which oddly enough she was named after.

He smoked cigarettes to look cool. Got a job in a nuclear power-plant to sound more interesting. Refused to wear sunscreen on a sunny d...

Does England have a 4th of july?

Yes they do, and a July 5th and a July 6th.

How do you prevent someone from being killed on July 4th?

Kill them by July 3rd

What's the Difference Between February 14th and July 4th?

There isn't any, at least to me, because they're both Independence Day.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Over the last few months I became a victim of a clever scam while shopping at Home Depot.

Simply going out to get supplies


has turned out to be very traumatic for me. Don't be


naïve enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your


friends. Here's how the scam works:


Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over

...

On July 22nd I went to the hospital emergency room thinking I had a Cancer.

Labour took longer than expected however and instead I had a Leo on July 23rd

Today in the UK we celebrate the 4th of July.

The day the average IQ of the British Empire jumped 100 points with a single signature.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Nashville man dies and goes to hell.

When he gets there, the devil comes over to welcome him. The devil then says, “Sometimes it gets pretty uncomfortable down here.”

The man says, “No problem. I’m from Nashville.”

So the devil goes over to the thermostat, turns the temperature up to 100, and the humidity up to 80. He the...

Happy Fourh of July

"Hey England, Happy Fourh of July."

"Where's the T?"

"We threw it in the harbor."

Merica.

Find something you have in common

Billy is ranting to his friend Joe, that he cannot find a girl for a relationship.

Joe: Well, you need to find a girl you have something in commen with. What about July? You both like musik?

Billy: won't work. I only like rock, she only likes country.

Joe: how about April? You b...

rescuers find a dead body floating in a lake in july

They take him out of the water and immidiately start resuscitating him. After an hour has passed another rescuer who has stood silent finally says
“Boys I think you can stop now. You see, he has his skates on”

The month before Frank's 21st birthday, his father told him, "Did you know that something amazing happens to all the male members of your family when they turn 21?"

"When your grandfather turned 21, he went to the lake and discovered that he was able to walk on the water. When my oldest brother, your uncle George, turned 21, he discovered the same. Me, your other uncles, your older brothers...all of them could walk on water at age 21."

"Cool!" said Frank...

How do you stop a dog barking in July?

Shoot him in June.


From the old Adam West Batman, as told by Cesar Romero. Still the #1 Joker, apologies to Heath Ledger.

Today Might be July 24th in the UK

But its the last week of May

What do you say when your friend says it’s June 31st?

July’d.

A man wakes up and looks at his clock. It is 7:07 am.

He gets out of bed, goes downstairs and glances at his calendar. It says it is July 7, the seventh day of the seventh month.
As he steps outside he notices Bus #7 going by. He walks to a coffee shop and orders a coffee and a bite to eat and the bill comes to $7.77.

The man thinks "hmm...

What do you call a nuke that was launched on the 4th of July?

The wrong firework.

Boris Johnson said everything would be back to normal on 21st June

Julyed

Can confirm: England Does have a 4th of July

And we even get it first!

You should cut people born between June 21st and July 22nd out of your life...

They're Cancer.

A friend has 2 tickets in a corporate box for the World cup final game Sun 15th July He paid £500 each including flights but he didn't realise when he bought them months ago that it was going to be the same day as his wedding! He is looking for someone to take his place

It's at Sheffield Town Hall at 4pm. Her name is Nicola -- she's 5'4", about 8 stone, quite pretty, has her own income and is a really good cook. Message me for more details.

4th of July Alcohol puns: American Heroes edition.

So this all started with Abraham Drinkin.

Help us come up with more. It has to be a character from American History to celebrate today as well as some sort of alcohol theme.

Here's what we have so far (some are better than others) :

Abraham Drinkin

John Wilkes Booze
...

Do not let the fact that today is July 4th distract you

From the fact that England blew a 13 colony lead

You're like school in July...

No class

July 4th PSA: On one hand fireworks are a lot of fun.

On the other hand I only have 2 fingers.

4th July

If the 4th of July is independence Day, why isn't 17th February Shawshank redemption day? It was a much better film.

play on words joke

Me: what is your favorite month

My friend: july

Me: why july



MY Friend: I didn't lie

I put a picture of the USA in a heart locket to celebrate the 4th of July...

Now it is truly independent

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old couple goes to their doctor

After his exam the doctor said to the elderly man, "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?"

"In fact, I do," said the old man. "After I have sex with my wife, the first time I am usually hot and sweaty, and then, after I have sex with...

Something really important must've happened on July 24th, 365 AD.

All of the supermarkets near me say "24/7/365".

Me and my childhood crush are marrying next year

Hers is in February and mine in July

Merry 4th of July! The difference between Uncle Sam and Santa Claus is...

Santa Claus gives notes with his presents... Uncle Sam takes note of your presence.

How is looking up your symptoms on WebMD like your July Horoscope?

It's probably cancer.

Ancient relics

I pass by this ancient mailbox all the time when we drive down our road to the house.. The old rusty box is nailed to an oak that has to be 150 years old. After too many times of passing it by I decided to open the box to see if anything was inside. After all, there isn’t even a house nearby to whic...

The FBI just thwarted a July 4th terrorist attack in Cleveland.

But they couldn't stop LeBron from dropping a bomb on the city last night.

Two Chicagoans die in an unfortunate car wreck.

Two Chicagoans die in an unfortunate car wreck.

Tragic, especially considering they didn’t exactly spend their days helping old ladies cross the street or volunteering at the Boys and Girls club. Nope, these fellows went straight to Hades.

The Devil, as is his custom, goes to greet hi...

An Orchestra in Albuquerque in July

A travelling orchestra had planned on being in Albuquerque in January and Minneapolis in July. However, their manager got the dates wrong and the group ended up doing a three-day run in an outdoor theater in Albuquerque in the middle of the July heat. The event was exhausting and by the third night,...

Happy Fourth of July Guys!

I hope Internet Explorer sends this in time.

7

I had this strange dream the other night, July 7th to be exact. I was alone in this wide open field, and on this field was a large number seven. This confused me, and woke me up, I looked at the clock and sure enough it was seven o’clock. I thought this was strange but didn’t think too much into it,...

She was a damn fine car.

When I was young we had gotten a new car, and I loved that car. I loved sitting in the back seat, I loved sitting in the front seat. I loved getting to wash it, and go on road trips in it. I even named her, I called her Betsy.
We bought Betsy on the 4th of July, and every year I thought everyone...

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