July Jokes

The temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees.

The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Max, had invented the first automobile air-conditioner.

The four brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were t... read more

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to the local grocery store. Unfortunately, like most men; I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the follow... read more

When he gets there, the devil comes over to welcome him. The devil then says, "Sometimes it gets pretty uncomfortable down here."

The man says, "No problem. I'm from Winnipeg."

So the devil goes over to the thermostat, turns the temperature up to 100, and the humidity up to 80. He then... read more

It’s the day I lost my independence.



(This is also true, she was born around 2:30 this morning and baby and mama are doing well).

One almost caught our Christmas decorations on fire.

So, it's the 4th of July night and all the dead presidents are gathered around a campfire having a party. They're drinking and eating and just generally having a grand ol' time when President Washington puts President Lincoln on the spot.

W: "Hey, heyyyy, Lincoln, do that thing you do!
... read more

That absolutely no one is going to watch the videos of the fireworks you recorded on your phone

12!

January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd, April 2nd, May 2nd, June 2nd, July 2nd, August 2nd, September 2nd, October 2nd, November 2nd, December 2nd.

Firework

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "How was your 4th of July picnic?" the bartender asks. "Horrible. Everyone came down with food poisoning," the guy replies. "I knew the hot dogs might have gone bad, but turns out the brats were the wurst."

The half of July

Yeah… right after the 3rd of July.

The only time of the year Americans say the day and month in the correct order.

Surely 240 years of being officially separate from America is something to be happy about.

"Because they make the toys."

We call her Summer for short.

Not Fire.

Fire works.

(•_•)

( •_•)>⌐■-■

(⌐■_■)

In *da* pendent

Looking for the T?

It's in Boston Harbor.

When he wakes up, he checks his phone and sees that he has 7 missed calls and 7 messages from 7 differents persons. He finds the coincidence pretty funny, gets out of bed with a big smile and gets in his car.

Before starting the engine, he checks on his phone the location of his meeting, when... read more

Because I want to leave a baby in you.

Now they feel like they dodged a bullet.

We have Rednecks and Hillbillies too!

...really sweetened up the fruit salad.

*Ya it looks like Christmas came in July!*

...





...yes I've not been invited to a party in years, why do you ask?

A White Russian. Nothing is more American then a Russian helping you to make poor choices.

South America : Hey USA, you free tomorrow night?

USA : ‘Fraid not mate, I can do the night after though.

Fire works.

This Independence Day, please remember it's not "firecracker," that term is very offensive to some people. It's "fire-caucasian." Thank you.

Bad idea, Heinz-Sight 2020.

I told him “July’d”.

He wanted so badly to impress this woman. But they had nothing in common except for the zodiac sign that they shared, which oddly enough she was named after.

He smoked cigarettes to look cool. Got a job in a nuclear power-plant to sound more interesting. Refused to wear sunscreen on a sunny d... read more

This throws uncertainty on whether or not the President will be able to hold the annual Turkey Pardoning Ceremony this November, which is expected to feature a Presidential Pardon for Trump's close personal friend Jeffrey Epstein.

Come on. Do I even have to type the punchline for this one?

Now she's telling me she came home with crabs

Yes they do, and a July 5th and a July 6th.

The day the average IQ of the British Empire jumped 100 points with a single signature.

And to those who've been a defendant a fourth time then happy 4th of jury

"Hey England, Happy Fourh of July."

"Where's the T?"

"We threw it in the harbor."

Merica.

Can't see 'em.

Labour took longer than expected however and instead I had a Leo on July 23rd

It will be a monumental disaster.

And now my friends say they don't trust me. They say they can't count on me.

There isn't any, at least to me, because they're both Independence Day.

Kill them by July 3rd

And we even get it first!

But its the last week of May

He gets out of bed, goes downstairs and glances at his calendar. It says it is July 7, the seventh day of the seventh month.
As he steps outside he notices Bus #7 going by. He walks to a coffee shop and orders a coffee and a bite to eat and the bill comes to $7.77.

The man thinks "hmm... read more

The wrong firework.

He'll be born in July.

Shoot him in June.


From the old Adam West Batman, as told by Cesar Romero. Still the #1 Joker, apologies to Heath Ledger.

All of the supermarkets near me say "24/7/365".

So this all started with Abraham Drinkin.

Help us come up with more. It has to be a character from American History to celebrate today as well as some sort of alcohol theme.

Here's what we have so far (some are better than others) :

Abraham Drinkin

John Wilkes Booze
... read more

It's at Sheffield Town Hall at 4pm. Her name is Nicola -- she's 5'4", about 8 stone, quite pretty, has her own income and is a really good cook. Message me for more details.

They're Cancer.

On the other hand I only have 2 fingers.

No class

From the fact that England blew a 13 colony lead

If the 4th of July is independence Day, why isn't 17th February Shawshank redemption day? It was a much better film.

Two Chicagoans die in an unfortunate car wreck.

Tragic, especially considering they didn’t exactly spend their days helping old ladies cross the street or volunteering at the Boys and Girls club. Nope, these fellows went straight to Hades.

The Devil, as is his custom, goes to greet hi... read more

Now it is truly independent

In actuality, it was a naan-issue.

It's probably cancer.

Santa Claus gives notes with his presents... Uncle Sam takes note of your presence.

A travelling orchestra had planned on being in Albuquerque in January and Minneapolis in July. However, their manager got the dates wrong and the group ended up doing a three-day run in an outdoor theater in Albuquerque in the middle of the July heat. The event was exhausting and by the third night,... read more

And there was a billboard that said: "OPEN 24/7!"

"That's not very helpful," I told myself. "July is ages away."

###

"When your grandfather turned 21, he went to the lake and discovered that he was able to walk on the water. When my oldest brother, your uncle George, turned 21, he discovered the same. Me, your other uncles, your older brothers...all of them could walk on water at age 21."

"Cool!" said Frank... read more

I hope Internet Explorer sends this in time.

Hers is in February and mine in July