As a non-American, I love seeing Americans saying Happy 4th of July.

It's the only time Americans pronounce dates correctly.

This 4th of July, the British should celebrate Independence Day too.

Now they feel like they dodged a bullet.

This cop had just finished his shift one cold July evening and was sitting at home next to his wife.

"You won't believe what happened this evening, Hallie. In all my years on the force I've never seen anything like it."
"Really?" She says. "Tell me what happened."
"Man, I came across these two dudes down by the river. One of them was drinking battery acid and the other was eating firew...

In an attempt to boost morale, my office threw a 'Christmas in July' event today. I got to talking to my coworker from Beijing and asked him, "Why don't Chinese kids believe in Santa Claus?" He confided in me...

"Because they make the toys."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My favorite 4th of July joke: Do you know why Americans spell color, humor, and behavior that way they do?

"Because fuck u that's why."

-- George Washington, Revolutionary War

4th of July

A lot of people enjoy a day off on the 4th of July. Not fire though.

Fire works on July 4th

The 4th of July is an annual reminder

of how useless my dog would be in a war.

If something goes wrong with the 4th of July celebration at Mt. Rushmore...

It will be a monumental disaster.

Many veterans experience PTSD from the loud bangs of fireworks around holidays like 4th of July and New Years. My advice to them is to use noise-cancelling headphones, Netflix, and pharmaceutical-grade weed.

Just like the children of Kabul.

My girlfriend broke up with me on July 4th.

She said she needed more independence.

Given social distancing regulations, a ton of condiment companies are being forced to cancel July 4th campaigns like sponsored concerts, where they planned to hand out signature color sunglasses to attendees.

Bad idea, Heinz-Sight 2020.

Last year I blew all my fingers off on the 4th of July

And now my friends say they don't trust me. They say they can't count on me.

What do they call the Fourth of July in Hawaii?

Dependence day.

WNBA announces plan to play abbreviated 22-game season in Florida beginning in late July without fans in attendance.

Come on. Do I even have to type the punchline for this one?

Happy early 4th of July everyone

And to those who've been a defendant a fourth time then happy 4th of jury

Has COVID-19 got you wearing glasses and a mask at the same time?

You may be entitled to condensation.

EDIT (July 14, 2020 7:40PM PST): Um, wow. I did not expect the 2.9K likes, especially since I didn't come up with it. Thanks for the support guys and y'all got me, I read it somewhere else and shared it.

How do you prevent someone from being killed on July 4th?

Kill them by July 3rd

My dad said everything would be back to normal by June

So I told him yesterday "Julyed"

My friend went to an orgy for people born in July

Now she's telling me she came home with crabs

A man wakes up on the 7th of July at 7 o'clock

When he wakes up, he checks his phone and sees that he has 7 missed calls and 7 messages from 7 differents persons. He finds the coincidence pretty funny, gets out of bed with a big smile and gets in his car.

Before starting the engine, he checks on his phone the location of his meeting, when...

What’s the best drink to have on the 4th of July?

A White Russian. Nothing is more American then a Russian helping you to make poor choices.

The Patriotic Ghost

What did the ghost say to his friend on the 4th of July?

Red, white, Boooo!!

This 4th of July please remember it's not "firecracker"

This Independence Day, please remember it's not "firecracker," that term is very offensive to some people. It's "fire-caucasian." Thank you.

If you had told me back on NYE all the sh*t that’d happen in the first half of 2020...

I would’ve said, “Don’t July.”

July 2nd, 1776

South America : Hey USA, you free tomorrow night?

USA : ‘Fraid not mate, I can do the night after though.

Why doesn’t America knock?

Because freedom rings!



Happy 4th of July!

On July 22nd I went to the hospital emergency room thinking I had a Cancer.

Labour took longer than expected however and instead I had a Leo on July 23rd

A man is in love with a woman who shares the same birthday with him (July 22)

He wanted so badly to impress this woman. But they had nothing in common except for the zodiac sign that they shared, which oddly enough she was named after.

He smoked cigarettes to look cool. Got a job in a nuclear power-plant to sound more interesting. Refused to wear sunscreen on a sunny d...

I don’t see why Brits don’t celebrate the 4th of July.

Surely 240 years of being officially separate from America is something to be happy about.

4th of July,

The only time of the year Americans say the day and month in the correct order.

Trump's 4th of July 'Salute to America' has bankrupted Washington D.C's Emergency Planning and Security Fund, which is used to provide police and security support at Presidential events.

This throws uncertainty on whether or not the President will be able to hold the annual Turkey Pardoning Ceremony this November, which is expected to feature a Presidential Pardon for Trump's close personal friend Jeffrey Epstein.

Hey girl, are you a parked car in July?

Because I want to leave a baby in you.

What do you mean June is over.

Julying.

The nerve of some people! Here it is, July 8th and idiots are outside shooting off fireworks.

They almost burned down my caught my Christmas decorations on fire.

Ed Sheeran's Perfect Timing

Some background is required to understand this beautiful joke.

My best friend is engaged to my little brother and the summer after our senior year she had to get surgery because her legs were growing inward. They broke her femurs and inserted metal rods to help them grow back straight, and th...

Does England have a 4th of july?

Yes they do, and a July 5th and a July 6th.

“What’s your favourite month?”

Me: “July”

“Why July?”

Me: “I didn’t lie!”

Asking someone’s favorite month (Bar joke)

A man walks into a bar and asks the guys beside him
“Hmm do you have a favorite month?”
The guy replied
“Yes July”
The man then asks
“Why July?”
The guy replies again
“No no no July is actually my favorite month I didn’t lie”

The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Max, invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner. On July 17, 1946 , the temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees.

The four brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter.


Henry was curious and invited them into his office.


...

A man wakes up and looks at his clock. It is 7:07 am.

He gets out of bed, goes downstairs and glances at his calendar. It says it is July 7, the seventh day of the seventh month.
As he steps outside he notices Bus #7 going by. He walks to a coffee shop and orders a coffee and a bite to eat and the bill comes to $7.77.

The man thinks "hmm...

Me and my girlfriend are getting married

"When?"

Me on 10th June

She on 20th July

HAPPY FOURH OF JULY

Looking for the T?

It's in Boston Harbor.

Today Might be July 24th in the UK

But its the last week of May

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Toronto man dies and goes to hell.

When he gets there, the devil comes over to welcome him. The devil then says, “Sometimes it gets pretty uncomfortable down here.”

The man says, “No problem. I’m from Toronto.”

So the devil goes over to the thermostat, turns the temperature up to 100, and the humidity up to 80. He then ...

Do you know why prisoners love the 4th of July?

All the fresh meat on the 5th of July. Drive safe and party smart folks!

Man, my neighbors are really into lighting off loads of 4th of July fireworks...

It sounds like a school outside.

What's the Difference Between February 14th and July 4th?

There isn't any, at least to me, because they're both Independence Day.

What do you call a nuke that was launched on the 4th of July?

The wrong firework.

America: Hey England, Happy Fourh of July!

England: Where’s the T?

America: Threw it in the harbor.

A man wakes up the morning of his birthday on July 7th.

He looks at his watch ‘7:07’. “Oh man, what are the odds that I wake up at 7:07 on 07/07 on the day of my birthday. Could be my lucky day!”

He drives to the grocery store and starts freaking out as the total at the cash shows 77.77$. “Oh my, this cannot be a coincidence”.

He then driv...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mr. and Mrs. Johnson wanted to join a very conservative church.

"When was the last time you had sex?" asked the minister.

"Just this morning," said Mr. Johnson.

"At our church," said the minister, "we do not tolerate it when people have sex more than once every three months. Today is May 1st. Please come back by August 1st. If you have not had sex...

How do you stop a dog barking in July?

Shoot him in June.


From the old Adam West Batman, as told by Cesar Romero. Still the #1 Joker, apologies to Heath Ledger.

Every 4th of July, America sends Britain a locket with a little tiny picture of the United States in it. They want to remind the crown that America is still...

(•_•)

( •_•)>⌐■-■

(⌐■_■)

In *da* pendent

rescuers find a dead body floating in a lake in july

They take him out of the water and immidiately start resuscitating him. After an hour has passed another rescuer who has stood silent finally says
“Boys I think you can stop now. You see, he has his skates on”

After my retirement at the company I worked at for 50 years, I looked forward to some relaxation time and putting my feet up, but my wife had other ideas...

... she insisted I take her to the local shopping centre every day.

Like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and out.

She's like most women - loves to browse & leaves me with endless time to fulfill.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following let...

Doctor had something to announce to me.

Doctor: before I announce this too you, when your birthday?

Me: July 10th I'm a cancer

Doctor:welp that takes care of my announcement

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Which month was Hitler's least favorite?

July

Lucky #7

A guy wakes up on July 7th at 7am and hops on the #7 train get to his first day of work. He realizes that his office is located on 7th avenue and that the building number is 77. He counts all the money he has in his pocket and turns out that he has exactly 777$. It must be a sign. He heads to the ra...

Today in the UK we celebrate the 4th of July.

The day the average IQ of the British Empire jumped 100 points with a single signature.

You should cut people born between June 21st and July 22nd out of your life...

They're Cancer.

Can confirm: England Does have a 4th of July

And we even get it first!

A friend has 2 tickets in a corporate box for the World cup final game Sun 15th July He paid £500 each including flights but he didn't realise when he bought them months ago that it was going to be the same day as his wedding! He is looking for someone to take his place

It's at Sheffield Town Hall at 4pm. Her name is Nicola -- she's 5'4", about 8 stone, quite pretty, has her own income and is a really good cook. Message me for more details.

There's a DLC for football on July 15th.

It's the World Cupdate.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Wall Street stockbroker decides to go off the grid completely

He’s had enough of that dog eat dog lifestyle and the stress and rat race of NYC.

So he buys a cabin in a remote part of the Adirondacks. Closest neighbor is miles away on a neighboring mountain. Pure solitude, nature, zero cell phone service, no electricity.

Months go by and he has ze...

I put a picture of the USA in a heart locket to celebrate the 4th of July...

Now it is truly independent

Something really important must've happened on July 24th, 365 AD.

All of the supermarkets near me say "24/7/365".

Amidst all of the distractions on this 4th of July, let’s not forget what we’re celebrating

That the British blew a 13 colony lead

The FBI just thwarted a July 4th terrorist attack in Cleveland.

But they couldn't stop LeBron from dropping a bomb on the city last night.

Cindy and Lucy were to high-powered DC lawyers.

They had been childhood friends, gone to the same law school, and gone into partnership together. Through their hard work, they became well known in the DC area and bumped elbows with politicians.

One summer, they decided to hold a fourth of july party and invite all the members of congress....

The doctors surgically removed a Cancer from my wife last week

He was supposed to be a Leo, but she went into labor early.

(This joke is literally true - our due date was July 23 but she went into labor early and we had to have an emergency C-section on July 21st.)

Wrong E-mail Address

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they had spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota...

4th of July Alcohol puns: American Heroes edition.

So this all started with Abraham Drinkin.

Help us come up with more. It has to be a character from American History to celebrate today as well as some sort of alcohol theme.

Here's what we have so far (some are better than others) :

Abraham Drinkin

John Wilkes Booze
...

How is looking up your symptoms on WebMD like your July Horoscope?

It's probably cancer.

July 4th PSA: On one hand fireworks are a lot of fun.

On the other hand I only have 2 fingers.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

10 ISIS suicide bombers decided to blow up a building

"We must pick a building that will have a mass effect on western culture" the leader says. So they research all the popular websites they can find and have decided on the reddit headquarters.

"YES!!" Another exclaimed! "We can not only dismantle their social construct but we can all attack ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I told my mate, that in order to have sex, I'd said to my girlfriend that I'd marry her in the summer.

"July?" he asked.

"Of course I fucking did," I replied.

Two Chicagoans die in an unfortunate car wreck.

Two Chicagoans die in an unfortunate car wreck.

Tragic, especially considering they didn’t exactly spend their days helping old ladies cross the street or volunteering at the Boys and Girls club. Nope, these fellows went straight to Hades.

The Devil, as is his custom, goes to greet hi...

7

I had this strange dream the other night, July 7th to be exact. I was alone in this wide open field, and on this field was a large number seven. This confused me, and woke me up, I looked at the clock and sure enough it was seven o’clock. I thought this was strange but didn’t think too much into it,...

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