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My daughter was born this morning, July 4th.

It’s the day I lost my independence.



(This is also true, she was born around 2:30 this morning and baby and mama are doing well).

After my retirement at the company I worked at for 50 years, I looked forward to some relaxation time and putting my feet up, but my wife had other ideas...

... she insisted I take her to the local shopping centre every day.

Like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and out.

She's like most women - loves to browse & leaves me with endless time to fulfill.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter,...

Lincoln, Do the Thing!!! (4th of July Joke)

So, it's the 4th of July night and all the dead presidents are gathered around a campfire having a party. They're drinking and eating and just generally having a grand ol' time when President Washington puts President Lincoln on the spot.

W: "Hey, heyyyy, Lincoln, do that thing you do!
...

4th of July,

The only time of the year Americans say the day and month in the correct order.

I can't believe people are celebrating the Fourth of July early and lighting off fireworks already.

One of my neighbor's fireworks landed in my yard and almost lit my Christmas decorations on fire.

It was July 17, 1946

The temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees.

The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Max, had invented the first automobile air-conditioner.

The four brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were t...

Many people in the US don’t work on the 4th of July.

Fire works on the 4th of July, though.

My wife and I just had a daughter and named her JuneJulyAugust.

We call her Summer for short.

What do dating apps and the 4th of July have in common?

Both really get going just after dark, start with a spark, and end with a bang.

What do they call the 4th of July in nursing homes?

In Depends Day.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

4th of July bash

A career Wall Street stockbroker was burnt out and decided to go off the grid completely. He had enough of that dog-eat-dog lifestyle, the stress, the non-stop rat race of NYC, the constantly fluctuating stock market, and his many irate clients.

So, he decided to leave New York and buy a cabi...

HAPPY FOURH OF JULY

Looking for the T?

It's in Boston Harbor.

Whats more patriotic than the fourth of July?

The half of July

I don’t see why Brits don’t celebrate the 4th of July.

Surely 240 years of being officially separate from America is something to be happy about.

Just a friendly 4th of July reminder

That absolutely no one is going to watch the videos of the fireworks you recorded on your phone

My cousin asked me if other countries had the 4th of July.

Ummm… Yes!! Do you think they go from the 3rd to the 5th??

I treat my haters the same way I treat fingers on 4th of July…

I just blow ‘em off

Every 4th of July, America sends Britain a locket with a little tiny picture of the United States in it. They want to remind the crown that America is still...

(•_•)

( •_•)>⌐■-■

(⌐■_■)

In *da* pendent

July 2nd, 1776

South America : Hey USA, you free tomorrow night?

USA : ‘Fraid not mate, I can do the night after though.

4th of July picnic

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "How was your 4th of July picnic?" the bartender asks. "Horrible. Everyone came down with food poisoning," the guy replies. "I knew the hot dogs might have gone bad, but turns out the brats were the wurst."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A British spy goes undercover in America and tries to infiltrate the political ranks.

To get into politics, he has to pass an oral exam.


Examiner: When did the USA gain independence?
Spy: July 4, 1776


\- Good. How many continents are there?
\- Easy peasy, seven.
\- Damn, you're good. Which continent is Turkey in?
\- Technically, Turkey...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Cancer!

Karen: Doctor, I've not been feeling well lately

Doctor: Well, I've looked at your lab reports and I'm afraid I have some bad news...

Karen: Don't give me this lab nonsense, you bureaucratic paper pusher! I don't believe Western medicine anyways! I've been following homeopathic medicin...

A man wakes up on the 7th of July at 7 o'clock

When he wakes up, he checks his phone and sees that he has 7 missed calls and 7 messages from 7 differents persons. He finds the coincidence pretty funny, gets out of bed with a big smile and gets in his car.

Before starting the engine, he checks on his phone the location of his meeting, when...

Hey girl, are you a parked car in July?

Because I want to leave a baby in you.

Happy Fourh of July

"Hey England, Happy Fourh of July."

"Where's the T?"

"We threw it in the harbor."

Merica.

How many Seconds are in a year?

12!

January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd, April 2nd, May 2nd, June 2nd, July 2nd, August 2nd, September 2nd, October 2nd, November 2nd, December 2nd.

A man wakes up and looks at his clock. It is 7:07 am.

He gets out of bed, goes downstairs and glances at his calendar. It says it is July 7, the seventh day of the seventh month.
As he steps outside he notices Bus #7 going by. He walks to a coffee shop and orders a coffee and a bite to eat and the bill comes to $7.77.

The man thinks "hmm...

Happy early 4th of July everyone

And to those who've been a defendant a fourth time then happy 4th of jury

What’s the best drink to have on the 4th of July?

A White Russian. Nothing is more American then a Russian helping you to make poor choices.

I brought a date to the 4th of July party...

...really sweetened up the fruit salad.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My favorite 4th of July joke: Do you know why Americans spell color, humor, and behavior that way they do?

"Because fuck u that's why."

-- George Washington, Revolutionary War

An army officer is having a heartfelt conversation with his wife in the kitchen before heading off for another long deployment

"Sweetheart, I'm about to be away for another year."

"Oh, I'll miss you terribly!"

"I'll miss you too," he says with a mischievous glance at her chest, "And these lovely ladies of yours."

Blushing, she suggests, "Why not give them a little attention now to make up for the coming...

This 4th of July, the British should celebrate Independence Day too.

Now they feel like they dodged a bullet.

This 4th of July please remember it's not "firecracker"

This Independence Day, please remember it's not "firecracker," that term is very offensive to some people. It's "fire-caucasian." Thank you.

4th July

If the 4th of July is independence Day, why isn't 17th February Shawshank redemption day? It was a much better film.

Today in the UK we celebrate the 4th of July.

The day the average IQ of the British Empire jumped 100 points with a single signature.

Today Might be July 24th in the UK

But its the last week of May

You're like school in July...

No class

A Slovenian, American and German are bragging, who has the fastest workers …

German says, we start developing a brand new Mercedes in August, I can already drive my wife in it to Octoberfest.

American says, that is nothing, we start building a new rocket in June 20th, on July 4th is already on the way to Moon.

Slovenian says ha, rookies, we start building a new...

Two Chicagoans die in an unfortunate car wreck.

Two Chicagoans die in an unfortunate car wreck.

Tragic, especially considering they didn’t exactly spend their days helping old ladies cross the street or volunteering at the Boys and Girls club. Nope, these fellows went straight to Hades.

The Devil, as is his custom, goes to greet hi...

My friend went to an orgy for people born in July

Now she's telling me she came home with crabs

How do you prevent someone from being killed on July 4th?

Kill them by July 3rd

How do you stop a dog barking in July?

Shoot him in June.


From the old Adam West Batman, as told by Cesar Romero. Still the #1 Joker, apologies to Heath Ledger.

4th of July Alcohol puns: American Heroes edition.

So this all started with Abraham Drinkin.

Help us come up with more. It has to be a character from American History to celebrate today as well as some sort of alcohol theme.

Here's what we have so far (some are better than others) :

Abraham Drinkin

John Wilkes Booze
...

Can confirm: England Does have a 4th of July

And we even get it first!

4th of july

British people say that we as Americans go overboard with the 4th of July.

When really the only thing that went overboard was their tea

If Rihanna were born in July...

Then could it said that in 2009, Chris Brown beat Cancer?

Happy Fourth of July Guys!

I hope Internet Explorer sends this in time.

This 4th of July it's important to remember that calling all Americans "Yanks" is a racist stereotype.

We have Rednecks and Hillbillies too!

Last year I blew all my fingers off on the 4th of July

And now my friends say they don't trust me. They say they can't count on me.

Something really important must've happened on July 24th, 365 AD.

All of the supermarkets near me say "24/7/365".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It was recently announced that on July 20th, Jeff Bezos and his brother will launch into space on one of his Blue Origin spacecraft

If nothing else, now they will know what it’s like to piss in a bottle

An Orchestra in Albuquerque in July

A travelling orchestra had planned on being in Albuquerque in January and Minneapolis in July. However, their manager got the dates wrong and the group ended up doing a three-day run in an outdoor theater in Albuquerque in the middle of the July heat. The event was exhausting and by the third night,...

On July 22nd I went to the hospital emergency room thinking I had a Cancer.

Labour took longer than expected however and instead I had a Leo on July 23rd

A man is in love with a woman who shares the same birthday with him (July 22)

He wanted so badly to impress this woman. But they had nothing in common except for the zodiac sign that they shared, which oddly enough she was named after.

He smoked cigarettes to look cool. Got a job in a nuclear power-plant to sound more interesting. Refused to wear sunscreen on a sunny d...

What do you call a nuke that was launched on the 4th of July?

The wrong firework.

An Ottawa man dies and goes to hell.

When he gets there, the devil comes over to welcome him. The devil then says, “Sometimes it gets pretty uncomfortable down here.”
The man says, “No problem. I’m from Ottawa.”

So the devil goes over to the thermostat, turns the temperature up to 100, and the humidity up to 80. He then goes ...

If something goes wrong with the 4th of July celebration at Mt. Rushmore...

It will be a monumental disaster.

WNBA announces plan to play abbreviated 22-game season in Florida beginning in late July without fans in attendance.

Come on. Do I even have to type the punchline for this one?

Do not let the fact that today is July 4th distract you

From the fact that England blew a 13 colony lead

Merry 4th of July! The difference between Uncle Sam and Santa Claus is...

Santa Claus gives notes with his presents... Uncle Sam takes note of your presence.

July 4th PSA: On one hand fireworks are a lot of fun.

On the other hand I only have 2 fingers.

You should cut people born between June 21st and July 22nd out of your life...

They're Cancer.

How is looking up your symptoms on WebMD like your July Horoscope?

It's probably cancer.

In an attempt to boost morale, my office threw a 'Christmas in July' event today. I got to talking to my coworker from Beijing and asked him, "Why don't Chinese kids believe in Santa Claus?" He confided in me...

"Because they make the toys."

Trump's 4th of July 'Salute to America' has bankrupted Washington D.C's Emergency Planning and Security Fund, which is used to provide police and security support at Presidential events.

This throws uncertainty on whether or not the President will be able to hold the annual Turkey Pardoning Ceremony this November, which is expected to feature a Presidential Pardon for Trump's close personal friend Jeffrey Epstein.

I put a picture of the USA in a heart locket to celebrate the 4th of July...

Now it is truly independent

Given social distancing regulations, a ton of condiment companies are being forced to cancel July 4th campaigns like sponsored concerts, where they planned to hand out signature color sunglasses to attendees.

Bad idea, Heinz-Sight 2020.

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