July Jokes

It’s the day I lost my independence.



(This is also true, she was born around 2:30 this morning and baby and mama are doing well).

... she insisted I take her to the local shopping centre every day.

Like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and out.

She's like most women - loves to browse & leaves me with endless time to fulfill.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter,... read more

So, it's the 4th of July night and all the dead presidents are gathered around a campfire having a party. They're drinking and eating and just generally having a grand ol' time when President Washington puts President Lincoln on the spot.

W: "Hey, heyyyy, Lincoln, do that thing you do!
... read more

The only time of the year Americans say the day and month in the correct order.

One of my neighbor's fireworks landed in my yard and almost lit my Christmas decorations on fire.

The temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees.

The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Max, had invented the first automobile air-conditioner.

The four brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were t... read more

Fire works on the 4th of July, though.

We call her Summer for short.

Both really get going just after dark, start with a spark, and end with a bang.

In Depends Day.

Looking for the T?

It's in Boston Harbor.

The half of July

Surely 240 years of being officially separate from America is something to be happy about.

That absolutely no one is going to watch the videos of the fireworks you recorded on your phone

Ummm… Yes!! Do you think they go from the 3rd to the 5th??

I just blow ‘em off

(•_•)

( •_•)>⌐■-■

(⌐■_■)

In *da* pendent

South America : Hey USA, you free tomorrow night?

USA : ‘Fraid not mate, I can do the night after though.

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "How was your 4th of July picnic?" the bartender asks. "Horrible. Everyone came down with food poisoning," the guy replies. "I knew the hot dogs might have gone bad, but turns out the brats were the wurst."

When he wakes up, he checks his phone and sees that he has 7 missed calls and 7 messages from 7 differents persons. He finds the coincidence pretty funny, gets out of bed with a big smile and gets in his car.

Before starting the engine, he checks on his phone the location of his meeting, when... read more

Because I want to leave a baby in you.

"Hey England, Happy Fourh of July."

"Where's the T?"

"We threw it in the harbor."

Merica.

12!

January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd, April 2nd, May 2nd, June 2nd, July 2nd, August 2nd, September 2nd, October 2nd, November 2nd, December 2nd.

He gets out of bed, goes downstairs and glances at his calendar. It says it is July 7, the seventh day of the seventh month.
As he steps outside he notices Bus #7 going by. He walks to a coffee shop and orders a coffee and a bite to eat and the bill comes to $7.77.

The man thinks "hmm... read more

And to those who've been a defendant a fourth time then happy 4th of jury

A White Russian. Nothing is more American then a Russian helping you to make poor choices.

...really sweetened up the fruit salad.

"Sweetheart, I'm about to be away for another year."

"Oh, I'll miss you terribly!"

"I'll miss you too," he says with a mischievous glance at her chest, "And these lovely ladies of yours."

Blushing, she suggests, "Why not give them a little attention now to make up for the coming... read more

Now they feel like they dodged a bullet.

This Independence Day, please remember it's not "firecracker," that term is very offensive to some people. It's "fire-caucasian." Thank you.

If the 4th of July is independence Day, why isn't 17th February Shawshank redemption day? It was a much better film.

The day the average IQ of the British Empire jumped 100 points with a single signature.

But its the last week of May

No class

German says, we start developing a brand new Mercedes in August, I can already drive my wife in it to Octoberfest.

American says, that is nothing, we start building a new rocket in June 20th, on July 4th is already on the way to Moon.

Slovenian says ha, rookies, we start building a new... read more

Two Chicagoans die in an unfortunate car wreck.

Tragic, especially considering they didn’t exactly spend their days helping old ladies cross the street or volunteering at the Boys and Girls club. Nope, these fellows went straight to Hades.

The Devil, as is his custom, goes to greet hi... read more

Now she's telling me she came home with crabs

Kill them by July 3rd

Shoot him in June.


From the old Adam West Batman, as told by Cesar Romero. Still the #1 Joker, apologies to Heath Ledger.

So this all started with Abraham Drinkin.

Help us come up with more. It has to be a character from American History to celebrate today as well as some sort of alcohol theme.

Here's what we have so far (some are better than others) :

Abraham Drinkin

John Wilkes Booze
... read more

And we even get it first!

British people say that we as Americans go overboard with the 4th of July.

When really the only thing that went overboard was their tea

Then could it said that in 2009, Chris Brown beat Cancer?

I hope Internet Explorer sends this in time.

We have Rednecks and Hillbillies too!

And now my friends say they don't trust me. They say they can't count on me.

All of the supermarkets near me say "24/7/365".

A travelling orchestra had planned on being in Albuquerque in January and Minneapolis in July. However, their manager got the dates wrong and the group ended up doing a three-day run in an outdoor theater in Albuquerque in the middle of the July heat. The event was exhausting and by the third night,... read more

Labour took longer than expected however and instead I had a Leo on July 23rd

He wanted so badly to impress this woman. But they had nothing in common except for the zodiac sign that they shared, which oddly enough she was named after.

He smoked cigarettes to look cool. Got a job in a nuclear power-plant to sound more interesting. Refused to wear sunscreen on a sunny d... read more

The wrong firework.

When he gets there, the devil comes over to welcome him. The devil then says, “Sometimes it gets pretty uncomfortable down here.”
The man says, “No problem. I’m from Ottawa.”

So the devil goes over to the thermostat, turns the temperature up to 100, and the humidity up to 80. He then goes ... read more

It will be a monumental disaster.

Come on. Do I even have to type the punchline for this one?

From the fact that England blew a 13 colony lead

Santa Claus gives notes with his presents... Uncle Sam takes note of your presence.

On the other hand I only have 2 fingers.

They're Cancer.

It's probably cancer.

"Because they make the toys."

This throws uncertainty on whether or not the President will be able to hold the annual Turkey Pardoning Ceremony this November, which is expected to feature a Presidential Pardon for Trump's close personal friend Jeffrey Epstein.

Now it is truly independent

Bad idea, Heinz-Sight 2020.