This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I dont own this joke. But i havent forgotten about it for five years.

Son: "Dad, I have to do a special report for school. Can I ask you a question?"

Father: "Sure son. What's the question?"

Son: "What is Politics?"

Father: "Well, let's take our home for an example. I am the wage earner, so let's call me "Capitalism". your mother is the administra...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A team of archaeologists were working in Jerusalem when they found a slab of rock with five figures carved on it.

In order the figures were:

1) A Woman. 2) A Donkey. 3) A Shovel. 4) A Fish. 5) A Star of David.

After months of studying the rock and figures on it, the leader took the rock and went on a lecture tour. He said the carvings were several thousands of years old but even so they revealed a...

Man: Doctor, all five of my boys want to be valets when they grow up!

Doctor: Wow! That’s the worst case of parking son’s disease that I have ever seen.

Five Germans in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border.

The Italian Customs Officer stops them and tells them "It'sa illegala to putta 5 people in a Quattro."

"Vot do you mean it's illegal?" asks the German driver.

"Quattro meansa four" replies the Italian official.

"Quattro is just ze name of zefokken automobile" the German says unb...

Why is six not scared of thirty-five?

because Five-sevens aren’t six-shooters.

My five-year-old, everyone.

My insanely witty five-year-old, ladies and gentlemen:

 

Step-daughter: "I'm hungry."

Me: "Nice to meet you, hungry, I'm dad."

Her: "Ahhhhgh could you not say that anymore?"

Me: "Aw why not, sweets?"

Her: "Because I don't like it when you call me na...

[True story] A coworker never heard of the burger restaurant “Five Guys”

And his daughter told him “I had five guys last night and I’m not feeling well now.”

What animal has five legs?

A pitbull returning from a playground.

So I dated this white girl once. We're where driving around looking for a place to eat. I asked her have you ever had five guys

She said once but she was really needing the money

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A lady comes home from her doctor's appointment grinning from ear to ear. Her husband asks, "Why are you so happy?" The wife says, "The doctor told me that for a forty-five year old woman, I have the breasts of a eighteen year old."

"Oh yeah?" quipped her husband. "What did he say about your forty-five year old ass?!"

She laughed, "Your name never came up in the conversation."

I bought a 2000's Boy band online for only five cents, but it never came in the mail.

I want my Nickelback

Why does Logan Paul never high five Ricegum?

He always leaves asians hanging.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I once won a fight that was five against one.

We really kicked the shit out of that guy.

I didn't vaccinate my five kids

and both of them turned out fine.

My girlfriend left me because she couldn't handle my OCD.

I told her to close the door five times on her way out.

A zookeeper stumbles across a man throwing five-dollar bills into the monkey cage.

“What the heck are you doing?” the zookeeper asks.

​

“The signs says it’s cool,” the man answers, pointing to a sign in front of the cages.

​

“No, it doesn’t,” the zookeeper replies.

​

“Sure it does,” says the man, tossing an...

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Five friends were sitting around, debating which Pixar movie is the greatest

After a few hours of debate, no one was willing to concede, and it was decided that a vote must be held. Unfortunately, with so few friends present, it was clear that they would need to bring the vote to the greater public. The group decided that each friend would make a plea to the subreddit of the...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man with five penises went to the doctor and the doctor asked how he wears a condom the man said,

“Like a glove”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A five-year-old and a four-year-old decide to start swearing...

A five-year-old and a four-year-old are upstairs in their bedroom.

"You know what?" says the five-year-old, "I think it's about time we start swearing." The four-year-old nods his head in approval. The 5-year-old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna say "hell", and you sa...

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After months of trying, I was finally successful in giving my girlfriend an orgasm that lasted a full five minutes last night...

I guess it was a long time coming

Interviewer: How would you describe yourself in five words?

Me: Lazy

So I recently saw that new movie, "Five Feet Apart". Pretty good and I here there's talk of a sequel!

From what I've heard they're gonna call it "Six Feet Under"

Five little monkeys

Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,

One fell off and bumped his head.

The momma called the doctor and the doctor said…

“We’re calling Child Protective Services.”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My five year old son was playing in the garden...

When he sees 2 spiders. He asks me, "Is that a mummy longlegs under that daddy longlegs?"

No son, there is no mummy longlegs only daddy longlegs."

I felt pretty proud of my answer, until he stomps on both spiders saying, "We'll have none of that gay shit in our fucking garden"

Five years ago, I asked out the girl of my dreams. Today I asked her to marry me.

She said no both times

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man goes into a bar and orders five whiskeys

The bartender sets them up, and the man guzzles them down.

While he is in the middle of the third one, the bartender asks,”Whatcha celebrating?”

“My first blowjob.”

“Well, that’s pretty swell! Here, have one on the house!”

“No, if five can’t get the taste out of my mouth...

Dad, I lost five kilos...

That's great news, son.

Not according to my Colombian friends.

Every time I toss five coins, they would come up on the same face.

Must be a coin-cidence.

I go to the store and buy ten hotdogs, nine burgers, three bags of chips, and six sodas. If I eat nine hot dogs, seven burgers, three bags of chips, and drink five sodas, what do I have?

No self control

Fun fact: did you know that HIV is actually Roman for “high five”?

Pass it on – or, rather, don’t.

A two foot tall man named Shaw is sentenced to five years in prison

So naturally he’s scared. In particular, he’s scared of a large Dutch prisoner named Reedemps, who runs the cell block and gives the diminutive Shaw beatings on the regular.

Shaw makes friends with his cell mate, Joe, who is also afraid of Reedemps, Together, they hash out a plan to get reve...

Five blondes go for a ride in one of their pickup trucks. One rides shotgun while the remaining three sit in the back.

While crossing a narrow bridge, the driver loses control and crashes into the river below. The driver and the front blonde quickly make it to the surface, while the three at the back only surface after a while.

Fuming, one screams, “I can’t believe you left us there! We almost couldn’t get th...

What has the probability of one in five million?

Blonde: But there's no 1 in 5000000. Only a five and six zeros.

What do you call it when two hand amputees high five eachother?

A stump bump.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I call my dick “the five dollar foot long”

And just like the sandwiches, it’s a product name and is in no way indicative of the size

How do you make five pounds of fat look good?

Put a nipple on it.

Job interviewer: “And where do you see yourself in five years’ time Mr. Jeffries?"

Me: "Personally I believe my biggest weakness is in listening."

What’s the difference between five black guys and a joke?

Your mom can’t take a joke

"The prosecutor says she can produce five witnesses who saw you running from the bank with money bags in your hands"

"The prosecutor says she can produce five witnesses who saw you running from the bank with money bags in your hands" a defense lawyer confided in his client.

"That's nothing," the client replied, ""I can produce five hundred witnesses who didn't see me running from the bank with money bags i...

My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60...

Now he's 97 years old and we have no idea where the hell he is.

I was really happy when I discovered a word with all five vowels.

It was euphoria.

My friend went bald five years ago, but he still carries a comb.

He just can't part with it.

Why do teenage girls walk in numbers of one, three, five, seven, and nine?

They can't even.

The doctor who checked my prostate looked like he spent five days a week at the gym. So I asked him what the weather was going to do...

...he was clearly a meaty urologist.

What do you call four famished frogs fighting for five frightened flies?

A *Tongue Twister*

~~Edit: How to change tags? Did not tag when posting this; why is it automatically tagged 'Religion'?~~

Edit 2: Thank you u/ElderCunningham for fixing the tag for me. Thank you u/mountorange and u/vphov1 for getting in before that change and letting me know about the...

I have five kids and none of them will ever be vaccinated.

Do you have any idea how expensive college is?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Five friends lived in a room!!

Their names were Somebody, Nobody, Mad, Brain, Fool..

One day Somebody killed Nobody. At that time Brain was in bathroom and Mad called police..

Mad: Is it police station??
Police: Yes, what's the matter??
Mad: Somebody killed Nobody!
Police: What?? Are you mad?
Mad: Yes, I...

I asked my five year old daughter what she wanted for her birthday.

"I want unicorns, rainbows and fairies," she giggled.

LSD it is then.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call five black people having sex?

A threesome.

Captain Flint and his crew of cutlass wielding marauders, set sail for Clew Bay, ready to take down the Filthy Five Hundred and collect upon their bounty.

Retrieving the heads of these skallywags will net him $1 per ear, and Captain Flint was ready to lay down his life for it. With $1000 he could buy an entire fleet with 50 men per ship. He'd be the most feared Pirate in the Atlantic!

After 2 days of fighting by sea and shore, Captain Flint an...

I ate five alarm chili last night...

...this morning I'm declaring a National Emergency at my southern border.

Interviewer: How do you explain the five-year gap on your resume?

Me: Oh, that was when I went to Yale.

Interviwer: Amazing! You're hired.

Me: Yay, I got a yob!

You know what they say in Seattle, if you don't like the weather, wait five minutes...

then shoot yourself in the face.


R.I.P. Kurt Cobain

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I went to see a fortune teller last night. She looked at me and said, "In five years time you will have 3 children."

"But I already have 4 children!" I laughed. She said, "I know, cancer is a bastard."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Five Kinds of Sex

The first is Smurf Sex.
This happens during the honeymoon; you both keep doing it until you're blue in the face.

The second is Kitchen Sex.
This is at the beginning of the marriage; you'll have sex anywhere, anytime. Hence, also in the kitchen.

The third kind is Bedroom Sex. ...

Managed to lose 1000 calories in five seconds...

...by dropping my cheeseburger :(

How on earth can I like Maroon Five..

... when I haven’t even seen the first Four?

Why does it take five pre-menstrual women to change a lightbulb?

LOOK IT JUST DOES OKAY?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A mother was in the kitchen listening to her five year old playing with his new train set in the lounge.

She heard the train stop and her son saying "All of You bastards who want off, get off now 'cos we're in a hurry! And all of you bastards who are getting on, get on now 'cos we're going down the tracks"

The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this...

My wife asked for something shiny that goes from 0 - 200 in five seconds or less for our anniversary...

I bought her a scale. We're still not speaking.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I forgot to put the seat belt on my five-year-old boy this morning and as we were leaving the trailer park, somebody shouted, "You're an irresponsible father!"

I shot back, “Who the fuck said that?! Stop the car, son!"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man walked into a bar and asks the bartender for five shots of their most expensive liquor.

A man walked into a bar and asks the bartender "give me five shots of your most expensive liquor."

The bartender : "Yeah no problem buddy, here you go. What are you celebrating for?"

The man : "The first blowjob of my life"

The bartender : " Wow congratulations man! Here take ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Man sits at a bar and orders five shots...

the bartender asks the guy, "What's up bud? You look rough."

"Well," says the man, "I just found out my dad is gay and he's left my mom for some pool boy."

"Ouch," says the bartender, "here, these are on the house today."

A few days later the same guy comes in and orders another...

Three ladies all have separate boyfriends named Leroy...

One evening, while sharing a few drinks at the bar, one of the ladies suggests, "Let's name our Leroys after a soda pop, because I'm tired of getting my Leroy mixed up with your Leroy, and her Leroy mixed up with your Leroy."

The other two ladies agree.

The first lady speaks out, "Okay...

I told my wife she can have the safe deposit box with the five hundred grand after the divorce.

She got really excited about those candy bars.

What has five fingers and isn't your hand?

My hand.

I haven't spoken to my wife in five years

I don't want to interrupt her

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I’m thinking of buying a beehive, five chickens and a cockerel, that way...

...I can get my honey for nothing and my chicks for free.

Bear, Cat and Dog had just completed a mission in an MMORPG. They wanted to perform a celebratory high five but they couldnt.

There was no way to hit pawse.

Five old ladies in a car . . .

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, this driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that th...

Never try to hi-five Logan Paul

You won't be the first person he's left hanging.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A luxury airplane is flying over Europe, carrying five passengers: representatives from England, Japan, USA, Canada, and Russia.

The pilot emerges from the cockpit, interrupting their conversation. "Slowly but surely, we are falling. I will attempt to crash-land as smoothly as possible, but I urge you to jump out with a parachute."

After briefly explaining how to use the parachutes, the pilot goes back to the controls....

Man shoots another man five times but insists to law enforcement that it was an accident...

"How can you shoot someone five times by accident?" The officer asked.

"Well i was aiming for the man beside him but i have a lazy eye" the man said.

Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese.

And there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother, Colin. Or my younger brother, Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

Gave a guy a high five

He only had 3 fingers so I told him to keep the change

What do you call a jail cell without five cents inside?

A nickleless cage.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Five men walk into a bar

Shittest game of limbo I've ever seen.

Two five year old boys

Two five year old boys are standing at the toilet to pee. One says, "Your thing doesn't have any skin on it!".


"I've been circumcised.", the other replied.


"What's that mean?"


"It means they cut the skin off the end."


"How old were you when it was ...

I've just ruined a relationship of five years.

Luckily it wasn't mine.

Five out of four people admit they're bad at fractions.

If you don't get it and wonder where the punchline is, it's you.

Five boys lined up for a race

The starter said “1,2,3 GO!!”

Three of the boys raced away but two boys stayed put

The starter asked “Why didn’t you guys run?”

One of the boys replied “You said 1,2,3 go, didn’t say nothing about me and number 5”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man goes to a doctor. The doctor examines him and finds out he has five penises.

The doctor says, "That's amazing! How do your pants fit?"

The man says, "Like a glove."

When I was five, my Dad put Snowballs in the blender to make a slushie...

I miss snowballs, she was a good cat.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Honey, remember how when we started dating you told me you were an insomniac and I told you I only had five sex partners?

Neither of us were counting sheep.

Five friends were so confident that the weekend before finals,

they decided to go for a picnic and party with some friends up there.

They had a great time.

However, after all the partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to College until early

Monday morning.

Rather than taking the final then, they decided to...

Why do pictures rotated counter clockwise hate giving high fives

Because they're always *left hanging*

There are five cows on a farm, one momma cow and four baby calves.

The first baby walks up to the mom and asks, “Momma, why is my name Rose?” The mommy cow replies, “Well honey, a rose petal fell on your head when you were born.”


The next calf comes up and asks, “Momma, why is my name Lily?” The mother replies, “Because honey, a lily petal fell on your ...

My girlfriend told me she slept with five people before we met...

I wouldn't normally mind but I was only twenty minutes late.

Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl.

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"

"Yes, Father, it is."

"And who was the girl you were with?"

"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A bartender seriously declared that, if he met someone with five heads, they would get every drink or snack for free.

One day, a male echidna comes waddling in and sits at the barstool.

“You the bartender who’ll let a guy with five heads eat and drink for free?” the echidna asked.

“Yes,” said the bartender, amused.

“So why aren’t you serving me?” asked the echidna.

“I only see one head, ...

The father of five children had won a toy at a raffle.

He called his kids together to ask which one should have the present.

"Who is the most obedient?" he asked. "Who never talks back to Mother? Who does everything she says?"

The five kids answered in union. "Okay, Dad. You get the toy."

Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question, "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?"

"None," replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away."
"Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like the way you're thinking."
Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was bit...

A black mother has five kids: Tyrone, Tyrone, Tyrone, Tyrone, and Tyrone. How does she tell them apart?

By their last names

Give me five condoms, please.

"Do you want a bag?"
"No, she's not that ugly."

Is it possible to have the word ‘and’ five times in a row in an English sentence, while still being grammatically correct?

A man had just bought a pub, The Fox and Hound, and wanted a big new sign for it outside, so that potential customers would know that it was under new management and come a try it out.

So, he contracted a sign-maker to make the sign for him. A week later, the sign-maker came back to him with ...

Courtesy of my five year old son... What do you get when a turtle and porcupine have a baby?

A slow poke!

A man goes to a five dollar lady of the night, and gets crabs. He goes back to complain...

She says, "It was $5... what did you expect? Lobster?"

A lion and a tiger make a liger, a whale and dolphin a wolphin, a squid and octopus a scquoctopus. What would a five-year old and a horse be?

Definitely illegal.

Journalism's "Five W's" Revised

1. Who?
2. What?
3. Who Tweeted about it?
4. What did they Tweet?
5. What other unrelated BS is happening?