It’s a five minute walk from my house to the pub.

It’s a thirty five minute walk from the pub to my house.







The difference is staggering.

Five years ago I asked the girl of my dreams to go on a date with me. Today, I asked her to marry me.

She said no both times.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Have you heard about the man that had five penises ?

His boxers fit like a glove

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Five surgeons are discussing who the best patients are to operate on.

The first surgeon said, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside them are numbered."

The second responded, "You should try electricians! Everything inside them are color coded."

The third surgeon said, "I really think libraria...

What’s worse than five babies in a dumpster?

One baby in five dumpsters.

Man paid 100 dollars to attend seminar called "How to make 10000 dollars in five minutes"

He enters the hall. There's about one hundred people in the audience. The presenter walks up to the mic, says "Approximately like this" and leaves.

As the judge sentenced me to death, I tried to offer him a high five.

But he left me hanging.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This Scottish bloke goes on a skiing holiday to Canada. After a hard day on the slopes, he retires to a bar at the bottom of the mountain. After about five or six whiskeys, he looks up and notices a stuffed animal with antlers on the wall...

He asks the bartender, "What the fuck is that?"

The bartender replies, "It's a moose."

The Scottish chap shouts back, "Fuck me! How big are the cats?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I dont own this joke. But i havent forgotten about it for five years.

Son: "Dad, I have to do a special report for school. Can I ask you a question?"

Father: "Sure son. What's the question?"

Son: "What is Politics?"

Father: "Well, let's take our home for an example. I am the wage earner, so let's call me "Capitalism". your mother is the administra...

Why is six not scared of thirty-five?

because Five-sevens aren’t six-shooters.

My girlfriend left me because she couldn't handle my OCD.

I told her to close the door five times on her way out.

I'm a proud anti-vaxx mother of five children!

Edit: four children

Second edit: 2 children!

Third edit: I'm a proud anti-vaxx woman!

I tried to sing “Danger Zone” five times at karaoke night, but kept forgetting the lyrics.

They eventually kicked me off stage.
Too many Loggins attempts.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A team of archaeologists were working in Jerusalem when they found a slab of rock with five figures carved on it.

In order the figures were:

1) A Woman. 2) A Donkey. 3) A Shovel. 4) A Fish. 5) A Star of David.

After months of studying the rock and figures on it, the leader took the rock and went on a lecture tour. He said the carvings were several thousands of years old but even so they revealed a...

My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60.

Now he's 97 years old and we have no idea where the hell he is.

“I’ve been taking night courses for five months now, and I have an exam next week.” Said my neighbor Mike.

Mike: “For example, do you know who Euclid is?”

Me: “No.”

Mike: “He is the father of geometry. If you take night courses you would know this.”

The next day the same discussion took place:

Mike: “Do you know who Alexander Dumas is?”

Me: “No.”

Mike: “He is the...

I loaned my girlfriend five hundred dollars a couple years ago. Today she gave me the money back.

I broke up with her because I lost interest in the relationship.

At an interview they asked where I saw myself in five years

I answered:

“Well, I think my greatest weakness is my poor listening skills.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Five Minute Management Lesson

Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.

Before she says a word, Bob ...

Job interviewer: “And where would you see yourself in five years’ time Mr. Jeffries?"

Me: "Personally I believe my biggest weakness is in listening."

I received a message last night from an unknown source that read, “I’ll be there in five minutes, and then we are going to get freaky.” I was terrified, but luckily it turns out it was meant for someone else.

Either way, I done using Ouija Boards.

Why didn't Jeffrey Epstein high five the prison officer?

He tends to leave people hanging.

Why don't executioners ever high-five people?

They prefer to leave 'em hanging

My wife and I were happy for twenty-five wonderful years.

Then we met.

Why is an engineer able to toast bread five different ways but cannot make French toast?

This makes Why's dad proud.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A limerick about vaginas I wrote five years ago

There once was a gal from Cancun,

Who had a most curious poon.

T'was coarse like a thistle,

But tight as a whistle,

And whilst cumming, could play you a tune.

I worked at a movie theater for five days

Despite my short time working there, I'll never forget one customer. On my first day there, I watched him enter the theater to watch the latest summer blockbuster. A few hours later, he walked out, looking a little frustrated. It was my first day, and I wanted to be helpful, so I went up to him and ...

Interviewer: How do you explain that five-year gap on your resume?

Me: Oh, that's when I went to Yale.

Interviwer: Amazing! You're hired.

Me: Yay, I got a yob!

My five year old told me when bees scratch each other they have baby boys. I told him to not be so ridiculous.

He then called me a son of a bee itch.

Man: Doctor, all five of my boys want to be valets when they grow up!

Doctor: Wow! That’s the worst case of parking son’s disease that I have ever seen.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There are five things you should know when looking for in a woman:

You want a woman that will cook the best food you've ever had

You want a woman who will surprise you every day

You want a woman who will please you sexually

You want a woman who brings you happiness

And most importantly, make sure these four woman never meet.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Michael and his wife had been married for thirty five years...

Michael and his wife had been married for thirty five years and things were, let's say, a little cold in the bedroom. One day while out shopping he decided to look for a little outside stimulation. He dropped his wife off at her favourite store and went across the street to the knock shop. He swagge...

What are the five worst words in Washington?

The president has nominated you...

Five-six professor

Friend : Hey Tim , How are you? I haven't seen you
in years. How have you been ? What are
you doing?

Me : I am a Five-six professor at the University

Friend: The what professor?

Me : Five-six professor

Friend: I've never heard such a s...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five-iron wrapped around his throat.

Naturally, the doctor asked him,

“What happened to you?”

“Well,” said the man,

“I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both spliced our balls into a cow pasture. We went to look for them and while I was looking around, I noticed one of the...

The father of five children had won a toy at a raffle.

He called his kids together to ask which one should have the present.
"Who is the most obedient?" he asked. "Who never talks back to mother? Who does everything she says?"
Five small voices answered in unison. "Okay, dad, you get the toy"

Five Deadly Terms Used by a Woman

1. **Fine:** This is the word women use to end an argument when she knows she is right and you need to shut-up.
2. **Nothing:** Means 'something' & you need to be worried.
3. **Go Ahead:** This is a dare, not permission, do not do it.
4. **Whatever:** A woman's way of saying screw you.<...

My five-year-old, everyone.

My insanely witty five-year-old, ladies and gentlemen:

&nbsp;

Step-daughter: "I'm hungry."

Me: "Nice to meet you, hungry, I'm dad."

Her: "Ahhhhgh could you not say that anymore?"

Me: "Aw why not, sweets?"

Her: "Because I don't like it when you call me na...

You know who ate Five Guys before it was cool?

Jeffery Dahmer.

A Jewish man's wife dies. He wants to place an obituary in the local newspaper. The lady taking his order asks him what he'd like the obituary to say. He says just put "Rachel died" The lady explained he can can actually use five words as it's the same price as two. He says please put

"Rachel died. Volvo for sale"

I didn't vaccinate my five kids

and both of them turned out fine.

Never give a Roman a high five.

Or he'll give you a HIV.

Five Germans in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border.

The Italian Customs Officer stops them and tells them "It'sa illegala to putta 5 people in a Quattro."

"Vot do you mean it's illegal?" asks the German driver.

"Quattro meansa four" replies the Italian official.

"Quattro is just ze name of zefokken automobile" the German says unb...

Two five-year-old boys were standing in the boy's room, taking a leak.

One boy looks at the other and say, "you know, my Dad has two of those."
The other boy asks, "what do you mean, 'two'?".  The first boy responds, "My Dad has a little short one that he uses to go pee, and he also has a great, big, long one that he uses to brush Mommy's teeth."

My teacher asked me to characterize myself in five words.

“Quite lazy”

Five word horror story

Unexpected item in bagging area

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Five monkeys - an experiment

Start with a cage containing five monkeys. In the cage, hang a banana on a string and put stairs under it. Before long, a monkey will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the banana.

As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the monkeys with cold water. After a while, another monk...

I was invited to an orgy full of twenty five year old girls.

Imagine my surprise when the police were waiting for me.

What do you call a five foot psychic that's escaped from jail?

A small medium at large.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I once won a fight that was five against one.

We really kicked the shit out of that guy.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.