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This Scottish bloke goes on a skiing holiday to Canada. After a hard day on the slopes, he retires to a bar at the bottom of the mountain. After about five or six whiskeys, he looks up and notices a stuffed animal with antlers on the wall...

He asks the bartender, "What the fuck is that?"

The bartender replies, "It's a moose."

The Scottish chap shouts back, "Fuck me! How big are the cats?"

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I dont own this joke. But i havent forgotten about it for five years.

Son: "Dad, I have to do a special report for school. Can I ask you a question?"

Father: "Sure son. What's the question?"

Son: "What is Politics?"

Father: "Well, let's take our home for an example. I am the wage earner, so let's call me "Capitalism". your mother is the administra...

I'm a proud anti-vaxx mother of five children!

Edit: four children

Second edit: 2 children!

Third edit: I'm a proud anti-vaxx woman!

Why is six not scared of thirty-five?

because Five-sevens aren’t six-shooters.

At an interview they asked where I saw myself in five years

I answered:

“Well, I think my greatest weakness is my poor listening skills.”

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A team of archaeologists were working in Jerusalem when they found a slab of rock with five figures carved on it.

In order the figures were:

1) A Woman. 2) A Donkey. 3) A Shovel. 4) A Fish. 5) A Star of David.

After months of studying the rock and figures on it, the leader took the rock and went on a lecture tour. He said the carvings were several thousands of years old but even so they revealed a...

Why didn’t Logan Paul high five RiceGum

He always leaves Asians hanging

My girlfriend left me because she couldn't handle my OCD.

I told her to close the door five times on her way out.

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I've got two kids, three and five.

Shit names, admittedly.

I worked at a movie theater for five days

Despite my short time working there, I'll never forget one customer. On my first day there, I watched him enter the theater to watch the latest summer blockbuster. A few hours later, he walked out, looking a little frustrated. It was my first day, and I wanted to be helpful, so I went up to him and ...

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A limerick about vaginas I wrote five years ago

There once was a gal from Cancun,

Who had a most curious poon.

T'was coarse like a thistle,

But tight as a whistle,

And whilst cumming, could play you a tune.

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Michael and his wife had been married for thirty five years...

Michael and his wife had been married for thirty five years and things were, let's say, a little cold in the bedroom. One day while out shopping he decided to look for a little outside stimulation. He dropped his wife off at her favourite store and went across the street to the knock shop. He swagge...

Why didn't Jeffrey Epstein high five the prison officer?

He tends to leave people hanging.

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Five Minute Management Lesson

Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.

Before she says a word, Bob ...

The father of five children had won a toy at a raffle.

He called his kids together to ask which one should have the present.
"Who is the most obedient?" he asked. "Who never talks back to mother? Who does everything she says?"
Five small voices answered in unison. "Okay, dad, you get the toy"

What are the five worst words in Washington?

The president has nominated you...

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A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five-iron wrapped around his throat.

Naturally, the doctor asked him,

“What happened to you?”

“Well,” said the man,

“I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both spliced our balls into a cow pasture. We went to look for them and while I was looking around, I noticed one of the...

Dad: Doctor, all five of my boys want to be valet when they grow up!

Doctor: wow that's the worse case of parking sons disease I've come across.

Five Deadly Terms Used by a Woman

1. **Fine:** This is the word women use to end an argument when she knows she is right and you need to shut-up.
2. **Nothing:** Means 'something' & you need to be worried.
3. **Go Ahead:** This is a dare, not permission, do not do it.
4. **Whatever:** A woman's way of saying screw you.<...

Job interviewer: “And where would you see yourself in five years’ time Mr. Jeffries?"

Mr. Jeffries: "Personally I believe my biggest weakness is in listening."

A Jewish man's wife dies. He wants to place an obituary in the local newspaper. The lady taking his order asks him what he'd like the obituary to say. He says just put "Rachel died" The lady explained he can can actually use five words as it's the same price as two. He says please put

"Rachel died. Volvo for sale"

You know who ate Five Guys before it was cool?

Jeffery Dahmer.

Two five-year-old boys were standing in the boy's room, taking a leak.

One boy looks at the other and say, "you know, my Dad has two of those."
The other boy asks, "what do you mean, 'two'?".  The first boy responds, "My Dad has a little short one that he uses to go pee, and he also has a great, big, long one that he uses to brush Mommy's teeth."

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There are five things you should know when looking for in a woman:

You want a woman that will cook the best food you've ever had

You want a woman who will surprise you every day

You want a woman who will please you sexually

You want a woman who brings you happiness

And most importantly, make sure these four woman never meet.

My five-year-old, everyone.

My insanely witty five-year-old, ladies and gentlemen:

&nbsp;

Step-daughter: "I'm hungry."

Me: "Nice to meet you, hungry, I'm dad."

Her: "Ahhhhgh could you not say that anymore?"

Me: "Aw why not, sweets?"

Her: "Because I don't like it when you call me na...

I just got kicked out of a karaoke bar for singing Danger Zone five times

I exceeded the maximum number of Loggins attempts

Five word horror story

Unexpected item in bagging area

My teacher asked me to characterize myself in five words.

“Quite lazy”

Five Germans in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border.

The Italian Customs Officer stops them and tells them "It'sa illegala to putta 5 people in a Quattro."

"Vot do you mean it's illegal?" asks the German driver.

"Quattro meansa four" replies the Italian official.

"Quattro is just ze name of zefokken automobile" the German says unb...

Do you know the story of the five-dicks man ?

His panties fit him like a glove

What do you call a five foot psychic that's escaped from jail?

A small medium at large.

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Five monkeys - an experiment

Start with a cage containing five monkeys. In the cage, hang a banana on a string and put stairs under it. Before long, a monkey will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the banana.

As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the monkeys with cold water. After a while, another monk...

I didn't vaccinate my five kids

and both of them turned out fine.

Twenty-five years.

Twenty-five years, and I never killed a single person until a few months ago. Now I'm on death row for multiple charges: manslaughter, murder, negligence.

After the first, I thought it was over. I thought nothing of the fact that the Sheriff warned me I would be sentenced to death if it happe...

Never give a Roman a high five.

Or he'll give you a HIV.

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Three year old and five year old little brothers talking about how they can feel grown up....

The oldest boy says, “I know, we’ll say cuss words.”

First, 3 year old says “I know what I’ll do—I’ll say ‘fuckin’.”

The eldest responds, “I know what I’ll say. You bet your sweet ass.”

They go down stairs for breakfast, and the bright eyed mother says “what do my sweet little b...

What animal has five legs?

A pitbull returning from a playground.

[True story] A coworker never heard of the burger restaurant “Five Guys”

And his daughter told him “I had five guys last night and I’m not feeling well now.”

So I dated this white girl once. We're where driving around looking for a place to eat. I asked her have you ever had five guys

She said once but she was really needing the money

Five years ago, I asked out the girl of my dreams. Today I asked her to marry me.

She said no both times

I am an ex-demolitionist fired for accidentally destroying five million dollars worth of property. AMA!

Edit: Wow, I wasn't expecting this to blow up!

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I once won a fight that was five against one.

We really kicked the shit out of that guy.

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Five friends were sitting around, debating which Pixar movie is the greatest

After a few hours of debate, no one was willing to concede, and it was decided that a vote must be held. Unfortunately, with so few friends present, it was clear that they would need to bring the vote to the greater public. The group decided that each friend would make a plea to the subreddit of the...

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A lady comes home from her doctor's appointment grinning from ear to ear. Her husband asks, "Why are you so happy?" The wife says, "The doctor told me that for a forty-five year old woman, I have the breasts of a eighteen year old."

"Oh yeah?" quipped her husband. "What did he say about your forty-five year old ass?!"

She laughed, "Your name never came up in the conversation."

What does a cannibalistic football player say to his teammates before a high five?

“Give me some skin!”

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Did you hear about the man with five penises?

They said his pants fit him like a glove.

Ba dump bump.

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A five-year-old and a four-year-old decide to start swearing...

A five-year-old and a four-year-old are upstairs in their bedroom.

"You know what?" says the five-year-old, "I think it's about time we start swearing." The four-year-old nods his head in approval. The 5-year-old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna say "hell", and you sa...

There are only five types of fear.

1.Terror

2.Panic

3.14 missed calls from Mom

4.Username or password is incorrect

5."We need to talk."

I bought a 2000's Boy band online for only five cents, but it never came in the mail.

I want my Nickelback

My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60...

Now he's 97 years old and we have no idea where the hell he is.

A zookeeper stumbles across a man throwing five-dollar bills into the monkey cage.

“What the heck are you doing?” the zookeeper asks.



“The signs says it’s cool,” the man answers, pointing to a sign in front of the cages.



“No, it doesn’t,” the zookeeper replies.



“Sure it does,” says the man, tossing another bill in the cage. “It says, ‘D...

Fun fact: did you know that HIV is actually Roman for “high five”?

Pass it on – or, rather, don’t.

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After months of trying, I was finally successful in giving my girlfriend an orgasm that lasted a full five minutes last night...

I guess it was a long time coming

Three ladies all have separate boyfriends named Leroy...

One evening, while sharing a few drinks at the bar, one of the ladies suggests, "Let's name our Leroys after a soda pop, because I'm tired of getting my Leroy mixed up with your Leroy, and her Leroy mixed up with your Leroy."

The other two ladies agree.

The first lady speaks out, "Okay...

Five little monkeys

Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,

One fell off and bumped his head.

The momma called the doctor and the doctor said…

“We’re calling Child Protective Services.”

Interviewer: How do you explain the five-year gap on your resume?

Me: Oh, that was when I went to Yale.

Interviwer: Amazing! You're hired.

Me: Yay, I got a yob!

I go to the store and buy ten hotdogs, nine burgers, three bags of chips, and six sodas. If I eat nine hot dogs, seven burgers, three bags of chips, and drink five sodas, what do I have?

No self control

My wife asked for something shiny that goes from 0 - 200 in five seconds or less for our anniversary...

I bought her a scale. We're still not speaking.

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I call my dick “the five dollar foot long”

And just like the sandwiches, it’s a product name and is in no way indicative of the size

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A man goes into a bar and orders five whiskeys

The bartender sets them up, and the man guzzles them down.

While he is in the middle of the third one, the bartender asks,”Whatcha celebrating?”

“My first blowjob.”

“Well, that’s pretty swell! Here, have one on the house!”

“No, if five can’t get the taste out of my mouth...

So I recently saw that new movie, "Five Feet Apart". Pretty good and I here there's talk of a sequel!

From what I've heard they're gonna call it "Six Feet Under"

Dad, I lost five kilos...

That's great news, son.

Not according to my Colombian friends.

I asked my five year old daughter what she wanted for her birthday.

"I want unicorns, rainbows and fairies," she giggled.

LSD it is then.

Every time I toss five coins, they would come up on the same face.

Must be a coin-cidence.

A two foot tall man named Shaw is sentenced to five years in prison

So naturally he’s scared. In particular, he’s scared of a large Dutch prisoner named Reedemps, who runs the cell block and gives the diminutive Shaw beatings on the regular.

Shaw makes friends with his cell mate, Joe, who is also afraid of Reedemps, Together, they hash out a plan to get reve...

What do you call four famished frogs fighting for five frightened flies?

A *Tongue Twister*

~~Edit: How to change tags? Did not tag when posting this; why is it automatically tagged 'Religion'?~~

Edit 2: Thank you u/ElderCunningham for fixing the tag for me. Thank you u/mountorange and u/vphov1 for getting in before that change and letting me know about the...

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I went to see a fortune teller last night. She looked at me and said, "In five years time you will have 3 children."

"But I already have 4 children!" I laughed. She said, "I know, cancer is a bastard."

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A mother was in the kitchen listening to her five year old playing with his new train set in the lounge.

She heard the train stop and her son saying "All of You bastards who want off, get off now 'cos we're in a hurry! And all of you bastards who are getting on, get on now 'cos we're going down the tracks"

The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this...

How do you make five pounds of fat look good?

Put a nipple on it.

What’s the difference between five black guys and a joke?

Your mom can’t take a joke

I was really happy when I discovered a word with all five vowels.

It was euphoria.

What has the probability of one in five million?

Blonde: But there's no 1 in 5000000. Only a five and six zeros.

The doctor who checked my prostate looked like he spent five days a week at the gym. So I asked him what the weather was going to do...

...he was clearly a meaty urologist.

"The prosecutor says she can produce five witnesses who saw you running from the bank with money bags in your hands"

"The prosecutor says she can produce five witnesses who saw you running from the bank with money bags in your hands" a defense lawyer confided in his client.

"That's nothing," the client replied, ""I can produce five hundred witnesses who didn't see me running from the bank with money bags i...

I have five kids and none of them will ever be vaccinated.

Do you have any idea how expensive college is?

Captain Flint and his crew of cutlass wielding marauders, set sail for Clew Bay, ready to take down the Filthy Five Hundred and collect upon their bounty.

Retrieving the heads of these skallywags will net him $1 per ear, and Captain Flint was ready to lay down his life for it. With $1000 he could buy an entire fleet with 50 men per ship. He'd be the most feared Pirate in the Atlantic!

After 2 days of fighting by sea and shore, Captain Flint an...

Why do teenage girls walk in numbers of one, three, five, seven, and nine?

They can't even.

My friend went bald five years ago, but he still carries a comb.

He just can't part with it.

What has five fingers and isn't your hand?

My hand.

I ate five alarm chili last night...

...this morning I'm declaring a National Emergency at my southern border.

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I forgot to put the seat belt on my five-year-old boy this morning and as we were leaving the trailer park, somebody shouted, "You're an irresponsible father!"

I shot back, “Who the fuck said that?! Stop the car, son!"

Managed to lose 1000 calories in five seconds...

...by dropping my cheeseburger :(

You know what they say in Seattle, if you don't like the weather, wait five minutes...

then shoot yourself in the face.


R.I.P. Kurt Cobain

How on earth can I like Maroon Five..

... when I haven’t even seen the first Four?

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A man walked into a bar and asks the bartender for five shots of their most expensive liquor.

A man walked into a bar and asks the bartender "give me five shots of your most expensive liquor."

The bartender : "Yeah no problem buddy, here you go. What are you celebrating for?"

The man : "The first blowjob of my life"

The bartender : " Wow congratulations man! Here take ...

Why does it take five pre-menstrual women to change a lightbulb?

LOOK IT JUST DOES OKAY?

I told my wife she can have the safe deposit box with the five hundred grand after the divorce.

She got really excited about those candy bars.

Never try to hi-five Logan Paul

You won't be the first person he's left hanging.

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A luxury airplane is flying over Europe, carrying five passengers: representatives from England, Japan, USA, Canada, and Russia.

The pilot emerges from the cockpit, interrupting their conversation. "Slowly but surely, we are falling. I will attempt to crash-land as smoothly as possible, but I urge you to jump out with a parachute."

After briefly explaining how to use the parachutes, the pilot goes back to the controls....

Gave a guy a high five

He only had 3 fingers so I told him to keep the change

Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese.

And there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother, Colin. Or my younger brother, Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

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Why did Robinson Crusoe work a five-day week?

Because he was buggered by Friday.

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I’m thinking of buying a beehive, five chickens and a cockerel, that way...

...I can get my honey for nothing and my chicks for free.

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