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A guy walks into a bar and asks for a beer "That'll be five dollars", says the bartender, and the guy throws 20 quarters onto the floor. Reluctantly, the bartender picks up the coins and serves the beer.

The next day, the guy comes into the bar, asks for a beer, throws 20 quarters onto the floor, etc.

The next day, again.

On the fourth day, he asks for a beer, and hands the bartender a 10$ bill. The bartender takes advantage of his chance for revenge, throws 20 quarters onto the floor ...

Five gangsters walk past a local diner

The owner runs out the door and up to them saying, "Excuse me, I've got a problem and you're the only ones who can solve it!"

The gangsters look at each other confused and ask, "What, why us man?"

"I'll explain later, just come with me!" The owner replies. The curious gangsters follow ...

There was a man who was born on the fifth day of the fifth month of 1955, whose lucky number was five.

There was a man who was born on the fifth day of the fifth month of 1955, whose lucky number was five. On his birthday, he went to the racetrack and was astounded to see that in the fifth race (scheduled for five o'clock) a horse named Pentagram was running, with the odds of 55 to 1. Rushing off to ...

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An eighty-five year old couple, married for almost sixty years, died in a car crash and went to the Pearly Gates.

They had been in good health for the last ten years, mainly as a result of the wife's interest in healthy diets and exercise.

St. Peter welcomed them into Heaven and took them to their small palace in heaven- complete with a large bedroom, Jacuzzi, full kitchen, and billiards table. "How much...

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Five Important qualities

1. Its important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.
2. Its important to have a woman, who can make you laugh.
3. Its important to have a woman, who you can trust and who doesnt lie to you.
4. Its important to have a woman, who is ...

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I was reading some life hacks to my wife, one of them was: If you can do something in less than five minutes, don't postpone it.

Without missing a bit she replied: That was a nice try right there, wise ass.

I had five hundred Kit Kats in my fridge and my mate had one in his. I pressured him into giving his to a homeless person.



That's basically how celebrity charity appeals work.

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This Scottish bloke goes on a skiing holiday to Canada. After a hard day on the slopes he retires to a bar at the bottom of the mountain. After about five or six whiskeys, he looks up and notices a stuffed animal with antlers on the wall...

He asks the barman, "What the fuck is that?"

The barman says, "It's a moose."

The Scottish chap yells, "Fuck me! How big are the cats!?"

A Scotsman, carrying a huge suitcase, has been riding a London bus for five miles along its route, all the while attempting to avoid the ticket collector. Finally, the conductor manages to corner him and tells him to pay up.

"You've been on for five miles--that'll be 50p, please, and 10p for your suitcase." The Scotsman responds, "I ha'not, I want a ha'penny fare, just got on this vera moment."

They begin to argue, and the ticket collector becomes more and more enraged, and finally, as the bus is passing over Lon...

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Why didn’t the Asian man get a high five?

Because Logan Paul left him hanging

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These three men went into business together and the first one said: "I put up sixty-five percent of the capital, so I'm the president and chairman of the board."

“I put up thirty percent of the money," said the second, "so I'm appointing myself vice president, secretary and treasurer."

“Well I put up five percent," pointed out the third partner. "What's that make me?"

The chairman said, "I'm appointing you vice president of sex and music." ...

I love Five Finger Death Punch.

I'll always be their biggest fan from the cradle to the grave.

In 2015 I was in a job interview. The interviewer asks, "Where do you see yourself in five years?"

I don't recall my answer, but it wasn't this...

Five years ago, I asked the girl I love out for dinner.

Today, I asked her to marry me.

Shame she said no both times...

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A mother was in the kitchen listening to her five year old playing with his new train set in the lounge.

She heard the train stop and her son saying "All of You bastards who want off, get off now 'cos we're in a hurry! And all of you bastards who are getting on, get on now 'cos we're going down the tracks"

The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this...

Husband doing crossword with his wife

Husband: Emphatic no, five letters.

Wife: Never

H: Pistol, 3 letters.

W: Gun

H: Disgust, 3 letters.

W: Ugh

H: Charity, 4 letters.

W: Give

H: Female sheep, 3 letters

W: Ewe

H: Pixar movie, 2 letters

W: Up

I just bought five jars of Mayonnaise so I'm all set for...

Cinqo De Mayo!

A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.

A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.

“I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you’ll have lost at least five pounds.”

When the blonde returns, she’s lost nearly 20 pounds.

“W...

Why wasn’t the movie Five Feet Apart (2019) more successful?

It was a year early and a foot short.

It’s a five minute walk from my house to the pub. It’s a 35 minute walk from the pub to my house.

The difference is staggering.

I asked my Roman friend for a HI FIVE

He gave me HI V

I was really happy when I discovered a word with all five vowels.

It was euphoria.

"There are Five Cows on a farm"...

One mamma cow and four baby calves. The first baby walks up to the mom and asks, "Momma, why is my name Rose?" The mommy cow replies, "Well honey, a rose petal fell on your head when you were born." The next calf comes up and asks, "Momma, why is my name Lily?" The mother replies, "Because honey, a ...

My wife left me because every tangerine I bought had exactly five slices

She said I didn't have six a peel.

What has five fingers and will never get old?

Unvaccinated Children .

The biologist shoots at a deer and misses five feet to the left. The chemist shoots at the same deer and misses five feet to the right. The statistician shouts, "We got him!"

Netflix shouts to the statistician, "Your documentary is coming!"

I'm running out of things to watch on TV. I just finished a movie about five families of fish competing for control of the reef...

It was called "The Codfather".

I went for an interview, they asked me where do I see myself in five years

Apparently, “still using the toilet rolls I stockpiled during the Coronavirus outbreak” is not the right answer

Doctor: I’m sorry but you have five hours to live. Do you want to see anyone?

Man: Yes, a better doctor.

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My friend hoarded five pallets of toilet paper rolls but ran out of money for food and medicine. Then he says “I wonder if toilet paper is edible?”...

Ass King for a friend...

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A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note, saying, "I've had enough and have left you. Don't bother coming after me.”

Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction.

After a short while, the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom.

She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note.

After a few minutes, he wrote something on it befo...

I just got kicked out of a karaoke bar for singing Danger Zone five times in a row.

Apparently I exceeded the maximum number of Loggins attempts.

Hooker: “$10 on grass, $30 on sofa, $50 in bed” Man: “I’ll pay $50”

Hooker: “You’re a man of class :)”


Man: “Class my ass, I want it five times on grass”

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Five feet apart cause we're not gay

Six feet apart cause we're not stupid

If one's a person, two's a couple, and three's a crowd, what's four and five?

Nine.

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I dont own this joke. But i havent forgotten about it for five years.

Son: "Dad, I have to do a special report for school. Can I ask you a question?"

Father: "Sure son. What's the question?"

Son: "What is Politics?"

Father: "Well, let's take our home for an example. I am the wage earner, so let's call me "Capitalism". your mother is the administra...

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.....

...in a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,

"Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

* The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
* The bouncer is a blonde girl.
* I'm a 6...

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I saw five cockroaches marching across my basement floor today

I grabbed my shoe and started hitting them with the sole. I killed four, but one escaped and hid.

It was the sole survivor.

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On this bottle of mouthwash it said "Five times longer lasting"

So I rubbed some on my cock and gave the wife the best 60 seconds of her life.

My father had five arms. He crashed his car into a guy with two heads. The case went to court but neither driver was prosecuted.

The judge said it was a freak accident.

As Epstein swayed back and forth, coming to grips with the inevitable, he reached out to give the guard one final high five...

But he just left him hanging.

Told to me by my five year old (she insists it's original)

My daughter, after inspecting the cupcake she decorated:

"What do you call a baby bear that doesn't have its teeth yet?"

"A gummy bear!"

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A man with five penises goes to the doctor

The doctor asks “How’s the condom fitting?”
The man goes “Like a glove doc, like a glove.”

Yesterday five young hot ladies asked me out.

Turns out it was the ladies washroom.

A Police Officer was waiting along the side of a highway waiting to catch speeding drivers. There weren't as many violators this day as usual. The State Police Officer sees an old car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!"

So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five elderly ladies, two in the front seat and three in the back--wide eyed and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly t...

On a plane is full of Redditors, a man starts having a heart attack.

One of the flight attendants notices this and quickly shouts: “People of the plane, we’re having an emergency! Is anyone on this plane a doctor?”


Immediately, five people stand up and say
"I'm not a doctor, but...

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A team of archaeologists were working in Jerusalem when they found a slab of rock with five figures carved on it.

In order the figures were:

1) A Woman. 2) A Donkey. 3) A Shovel. 4) A Fish. 5) A Star of David.

After months of studying the rock and figures on it, the leader took the rock and went on a lecture tour. He said the carvings were several thousands of years old but even so they revealed a...

Job interviewer: “And where would you see yourself in five years’ time Mr. Jeffries?"

Mr. Jeffries: "Personally I believe my biggest weakness is in listening."

What has four letters, sometimes has nine, but never has five?

Woops meant to use a period.

when i was five, my dad put snowballs in the blender to make a slushie

i miss snowballs, she was a good cat.

The barkeep asks the guy sitting at the bar, "What can I get for you?" The guy answers, "A scotch, please." The bartender hands him the drink, and says "That'll be five dollars," to which the guy replies, "What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this."

A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, "You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration."

The barkeep was not impressed, but says to the guy, "O...

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Ninety-five year old virgin

Ninety-five year old Caroline died a virgin. Her last request stated that her headstone should read: "Here lies Caroline, born a virgin, died a virgin" The stone-cutter had a busy day, and made a shorter version, reading: "Caroline, returned unopened"

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A Reddit user, a Reddit user, and a Reddit user walk into a bar.

The first one orders a coke. Five minutes later the second one orders a coke and the whole bar starts cheering, another five minutes later the third one orders a coke and the whole city erupts in thunderous applause.

Edit: whoever wasted money on giving me silver, I'd like you to know that I'...

My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60.

Now he's 97 years old and we have no clue where he is.

How many U.S. Presidents does it take to change a light bulb?

Forty-five. A couple dozen to turn it to the right, a score of them to turn it to the left, and one to really, really screw it at the end.

What has four letters, occasionally has twelve letters, always has six letters, but never has five letters.

Now you know.

It's 2020 and I’ve been happily married for five years

Not too shabby as I got married 16 years ago

Ted’s grandmother pulls him aside at his eighth birthday party and hands him a five-dollar bill.

“Here, this is a little something extra from Grandma. But not a word of this to your brothers and sisters.”
The boy looks at the bill and responds, ...
"If you want me to stay quiet, it’s going to cost you a lot more.”

As the judge sentenced me to death, I tried to offer him a high five.

But he left me hanging.

After five years of marriage I can finally say I know exactly what gets my wife turned on...

...not much, as it turns out.

The IRS decided to audit Grandpa, and summoned him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, “Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the IRS finds that believable.”

“I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,” says Grandpa. “How about a demonstration?”

The a...

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Three vampire brothers decide to hold a competition to see which one of them is the most powerful

The first brother is the strongest.

"Watch this," he says, and takes off at nearly 100 miles per hour. Two minutes later, he returns, his mouth covered in blood.

"What happened?!" his brothers exclaimed.

"You see that mansion over there?"

"Yeah?"

"Well, I went over...

My five-year-old said he wanted a kitten for Christmas.

Usually we have turkey, but why not?

Five Redditors are walking in a forest...

Five redditors are walking in a forest...

...when they find a lamp on the ground. One of them rubs it, and (as expected), a genie appears. Because he's feeling particularly generous, the genie decides to grant all five of them one wish each.

The first one steps forward. "I would like ...

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Five Minute Management Lesson

Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.

Before she says a word, Bob ...

Doc, all five of my boys want to be valets when they grow up!

Doc: Wow! That’s the worst case of parking son’s disease I have ever seen.

A Roman soldier sits down at a bar, holds up 2 fingers to the bartender and says...

“Five beers please.”

At an interview they asked where I saw myself in five years

I answered:

“Well, I think my greatest weakness is my poor listening skills.”

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An aging emperor was unsure how to divide his kingdom amongst his three sons...

After thinking on it for awhile he decided he didn't want to break up his empire and devised a plan to choose a successor. So he brought his sons before him and told them his plan.

"My sons, to determine who will inherit my empire I will send you all out on a quest. You must go out into the w...

I’ve been with the same woman for five years!!!

She still doesn’t know I live in her attic.

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An American, a British and a French woman were asked what they would do if they ended up on an island with five sex starved men.

The American woman answered, ‘I would try to find somewhere to hide. Then I would try to send some kind of a signal to a passing ship, so they could come and rescue me.’
The British woman answered, ‘I would find the strongest man, shack up with him and get him to protect me from the other four.’<...

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A wealthy Texan oil tycoon made his way to Ireland one day

as he walked into an Irish pub there he made a declaration to all them that were in the room. He pulled out a wad of five-thousand dollars in cash and placed it on the bar. He said, " I hear you Irish can drink, so I put to you the challenge that not one of y'all can drink five hundred shots back to...

Barry's job was to write articles for a massive online news site run by the mafia...

He absolutely hated his job, but he had to stay because they would kill his family if he left. He had to write articles about the mafia’s crimes, and because the company had all the lawmakers bribed, they were untouchable even though they openly admitted to their crimes.





The ...

A teacher asked his students a math question.

"You have one dollar. Your parents give you five dollars. How much money do you have?"

After some thinking, about half the class raised their hands. The teacher called on a little girl in the front.

"One dollar!" she said.

The teacher, conflicted on why the girl can't add, expla...

Son asks his Dad for five dollars so he can buy a guinea pig.

His Dad says, "heres ten now go find yourself a nice Irish girl."

True story from an acquaintance from Zambia: Before I came to this country, I learned that the Zambian government would offer a stipend to any family with five or more children...

My wife and I had only four children. When I found out about the stipend, I came to her and admitted that, years ago soon after we married, I had been with a woman in the mountains while traveling, and that I had a son with this woman that my wife never knew about.

After cursing me up and do...

A guy is golfing by himself and shanks a ball hard.

He yells, "Goddamn it all to hell!"

St. Peter hears him and asks God, "Aren't you going to do anything about that?"

God says, "Yep."

Next hole is a long par five over water ending in a dog leg. The guy tees up and crushes the ball. It hits the water but just as it does, a turtle...

Two guys go for a job interview

Joey and Frank are good friends who had worked together for over 5 years, but are now between jobs. They decide to go to a hiring agency together. Joey is called in to see the recruiter first, and after about 10 minutes in the room, he comes out elated. "I got the job!". Frank congratulates him and ...

[NSFW] Why don't any of Logan Paul's asian fans ask for high fives anymore?

He tends to leave them hanging.

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An Italian, a Frenchman and an Aussie were talking about screams of passion

The Italian said: "Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with the finest extra virgin olive oil, then we made passionate love and I made her scream, non stop for five minutes." The Frenchman said: "Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with special aphrodisiac oil from Provence a...

Man paid 100 dollars to attend seminar called "How to make 10000 dollars in five minutes"

He enters the hall. There's about one hundred people in the audience. The presenter walks up to the mic, says "Approximately like this" and leaves.

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Hitler dies and is sent to hell.

He spends 30 earthly years there being tourtured and abused, going through worse than he even could imagine.

After this time, god calls him up for a talk, considering a pardon. He asks Hitler: "If I sent you back to earth today, what would you do?"

Hitler answers "I would load all the ...

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A man walks around in a forest...

He sees a duckling covered in shit. The man feels sorry for the little bird and grabs a tissue to clean it.

The man proceeds to walk when he comes across another duckling covered in shit. The man starts to question what's going on, and again, cleans the little duckling.

After walking...

What’s worse than five babies in a dumpster?

One baby in five dumpsters.

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A boy returns home from running an errand for his quarantined grandfather.

He says, "Grandpa, I got all the groceries you wanted! All together, it came to $47.22. Here's your change."

Grandpa says, "My goodness, the world is expensive nowadays. When I was a boy your age, I could get five pounds of potatoes, three loaves of bread, two pounds of beef, a jug of milk, a...

Cows & politics

***SOCIALISM***

You have 2 cows. You give one to your neighbour.

***COMMUNISM***

You have 2 cows. The State takes both and gives you some milk.

***FASCISM***

You have 2 cows. The State takes both and sells you some milk.

***BUREAUCRATISM***

...

I tried to sing “Danger Zone” five times at karaoke night, but kept forgetting the lyrics.

They eventually kicked me off stage.
Too many Loggins attempts.

My five year old son squealed with delight...

My five year old son squealed with delight when he opened his birthday present from his grandmother. It was a water pistol. He promptly ran to the sink to fill it.

"Mom," I said. I'm surprised at you. "Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water pistols?"

My mom smiled...

The police knocked on my door and asked me where I was between five and six.

Apparently "kindergarten" was not the answer they sought.

I spent five dollars for a weather app on my phone....

I got two dollars and fifteen cents back in climate change.

What do you get when you divide a quarterback by five?

Nickleback

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[Long] A rich man suffer from extreme arachnophobia, and is searching for a cure.

He calls the best scientist, psychiatrists and even folk healers, but no one of them is able to solve his problem.


Depressed, the man goes into a bar to drown his sorrows, and tell the bartender of his issue. The man begin to tell a tale he inherited from his grandpa: "Deep into the wo...

Why does Five think it can be Six?

Because it's seen Three before.

A bus load of Senior citizens were traveling to a casino. Halfway into the trip, a little old lady walked up to the front of the bus and told the driver they had a pervert on the bus.

The driver told her he would check it out at the Casino. So she went back to her seat and sat down. Five minutes later a second little old lady walked to the front of the bus and told the driver they had a pervert on the bus ... Since this was the second complaint in five minutes, he thought he had ...

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A guy walks into a bar and orders five shots of tequila...

Bartender: That's a lot of Tequila, is this a special occasion?

Guy: Yes, I'm celebrating my first blowjob.

Bartender: Well that is special! I'll buy your next shot!

Guy: No thanks, if five doesn't get the taste out of my mouth, one more wont help.

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I'm role-playing as a doctor with my girlfriend

She takes off her pants and I tell her that a vaginal exam isn't covered by her insurance; then I dress up as an insurance salesman and fuck her over the phone for five hours straight.

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Johnny Five Dicks made a personalised condom

It fits like a glove

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A man buys a motorbike and is riding it home when it occurs to him that he's somewhat lacking control, as the wind is getting into his coat and buffeting him quite badly.

He pulls over, deciding to put his coat on back-to-front so the openings between the buttons are at the back.

Much improved he confidently accelerates away, but within five minutes of riding like this he reaches a sharp bend in the road, where he discovers his arms are rather too restricted ...

What's the difference between a joke and Five Guys?

Your mom can't take a joke.

A man goes to a brothel.

The madam opened the brothel door in Winnipeg and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.




"May I help you sir?" she asked.




The man replied,


"I wan to see Valerie."




"...

Why are emo kids bad at high-fives?

People always leave them hanging

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Little Johnny was doing his math homework.

He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine." His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?" The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework." "And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother ...

I have four eyes, three noses, five mouths and seven ears. What am I?

Ugly

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A wise move

2 guys are standing at a bus stop when a big, muscular, mean looking dude steps up to one of them and says " H-h-hey, m- m- man. What t-t-time ya g-g-got?”

The guy just stands there, staring at the imposing man without saying anything. The big guy finally growls "F-f-fuck you." He then turns...

My five-year-old, everyone.

My insanely witty five-year-old, ladies and gentlemen:

&nbsp;

Step-daughter: "I'm hungry."

Me: "Nice to meet you, hungry, I'm dad."

Her: "Ahhhhgh could you not say that anymore?"

Me: "Aw why not, sweets?"

Her: "Because I don't like it when you call me na...

An atheist is fishing in a boat on Loch Ness

When all of the sudden, the Loch Ness Monster comes up and begins thrashing his boat around. The monster tosses him into the air. On his way down he shouts "God, help me!"

Everything stops. He is mere feet from the monster's mouth. Then a loud booming voice comes from the heavens and asks:...

The outmaneuvre !

An Airbus 380 is on its way across the Atlantic. It flies consistently at 800 km/h in 30,000 feet, when suddenly a Eurofighter with Tempo Mach 2 appears.
The pilot of the fighter jet slows down, flies alongside the Airbus and greets the pilot of the passenger plane by radio: "Airbus flight, borin...

I loaned my girlfriend five hundred dollars a couple years ago. Today she gave me the money back.

I broke up with her because I lost interest in the relationship.

So a doctor starts up a practice and decides to challenge himself, so he puts out a sign: "I'll cure any sickness for only $100. If I can't, I'll pay you $500!"

A lawyer sees the sign out front and decides this would be some easy fast cash so he goes in to see the doctor.

"Doctor I cant taste anything!"

Doctor says "nurse go grab vial 43!", she brings it and he puts two drops on the lawyer's tongue.

The lawyer quickly spits it out and s...

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What else could he say??

A young couple decided to take their 5 year old son to see the circus. After several amazing acts, the ringmaster led six bull elephants into the center ring, linked trunk to tail in the usual manner.

"What's that big thing hanging off the elephant, Mommy?" Little Johnny asked.

"That...

How to make a baby

There is not one dirty word in this, and it is funny.

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and
decided to use a surrogate father to start their family.

On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now; the man should be...

Why didn't Jeffrey Epstein high five the prison officer?

He tends to leave people hanging.

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A limerick about vaginas I wrote five years ago

There once was a gal from Cancun,

Who had a most curious poon.

T'was coarse like a thistle,

But tight as a whistle,

And whilst cumming, could play you a tune.

Two Little Boys

After a hardy rainstorm filled all the potholes in the streets and alleys, a young mother watched her two little boys playing in the puddle through her kitchen window.

The older of the two, a five year old lad, grabbed his sibling by the back of his head and shoved his face into the water hol...

How many ears did Alexandre Dumas have?

Five. A left ear, a right ear, and three musketeers.

My wife asked for something shiny that goes from 0 - 200 in five seconds or less for our anniversary...

I bought her a scale. We're still not speaking.

A guy wearing a leather jacket told me that if I gave him a hundred bucks he would give me five hundred in six weeks.

It turned out to be just a Fonzi scheme.

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A newly deceased Englishman, stands at the pearly gates

St. Peter tells him that he cannot go to heaven right away because he cheated on his income taxes. The only way he might get into heaven would be to sleep with a stupid, ugly woman for the next five years and enjoy it. The Englishman, decides that this is a small price to pay for an eternity in heav...

Courtesy of my five year old nephew

What do you call an onion ring shaped like a bell?


An onion ding!

What do you call an insect with five legs?

An NSYNC-t

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Irish daughter (an oldie but goodie)

An Irish daughter had not been to the house for over five years. Upon her return, her father cussed her out, "Where have you been all this time, you ingrate! Why didn't you write us, not even a line to let us know how you were doing? Why didn't you call? You little tramp! Don't you know what you put...

I didn't vaccinate my five kids

and both of them turned out fine.

“I’ve been taking night courses for five months now, and I have an exam next week.” Said my neighbor Mike.

Mike: “For example, do you know who Euclid is?”

Me: “No.”

Mike: “He is the father of geometry. If you take night courses you would know this.”

The next day the same discussion took place:

Mike: “Do you know who Alexander Dumas is?”

Me: “No.”

Mike: “He is the...

A man who has been doing keto for five years cheats his diet at a party.

His friend, shocked, asked him if it was hard for him to do.
The man replied, "it was a piece of cake".

A young man named Dave bought a horse from a farmer for $250

The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day. The next day, the farmer drove up to Dave's house and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died"

Dave replied, "Well, then just give me my money back"

The farmer said, "Can’t do that. I went and spent it already"
...

A Reddit user, a Reddit user, and a Reddit user walk into a bar.

The first one orders a coke. Five minutes later the second one orders a coke and the whole bar starts cheering, another five minutes later the third one orders a coke and the whole city erupts in thunderous applause.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A five year old and a four year old decide to start cursing

A five year old and a four year old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the five year old, "I think it's about time we start swearing." The four year old nods his head in approval. The 5 year old continues, "When we go down stairs for breakfast I'm gonna say "hell", and you say "ass...

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