UPJOKE
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8 Jokes

What did the 0 say to the 8?

Nice belt!

You know what has 8 legs 8 hands and 8 eyes?

8 Pirates

Joke from my 8 year old daughter for Halloween.

Why didn’t the ghost like to take showers?



Because it would dampen his spirits.

My 8-year-old wrote a dinosaur joke

What do you get when you cross a T-Rex and a human?

A T-Rex

As part of the merger, the PGA will control holes 1-8 and 12-18.

The Saudis do 9-11.

8 year old son's greatest joke

My son told me this joke years ago and it still is my favourite joke. He came home from school one day and says 'Dad, I have a joke for you.' I said, oh yes, let's hear it. Very low expectations at this point. He said 'Why did the chicken cross the road?', I replied with the usual, 'I don't know son...

Turned the tables on my 8-year-old son.

Son: “How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?”

Me: “I don’t know; how many?”

Son: “Ten tickles.”

Me: “Yeah, but only the male octopus is ticklish.”

Son: “Huh?”

Me: “Yeah, the females are not ticklish at all; just the males. You know how you can tel...

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My 8 year old niece told me this yesterday...

A man goes to the fish market and walks up to a stall. There is a young boy selling fish. The boy is shouting "BUY MY DAMN FISH!". The man says you can't say that! The boy responds. "What do you mean? I caught them at the dam. These are dam fish." The man says okay and buys some and brings them home...

If you were 8 years old when “Red Red Wine” was released

UB40 now

4, 6, 8 and 9 have all been killed.

2, 3, 5, 7 and 11 are the prime suspects.

6 was scared of 7 because 7,8,9 but why did 7 eat 9?

Because you are supposed to eat 3 squared meals per day

I am 51 and my girlfriend is 8

Months pregnant and I'm starting to panic a little. Do you think I am too old to be a dad?

I had the best Dad moment last night... *actual conversation with my 8 year old*

Son: Dad... how many kidneys do I have?

Me: Two. You have two, son.

Son: Nope... I have four. *point to belly* Two kidneys here... *points to legs* ...and two kid knees here!



The student has become the teacher.

What has 132 legs and 8 teeth?

The front row of a Toby Keith concert.

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My 8 year old son's joke: What do you call an ox with big butt?

Buttocks

What is the difference between girls aged:8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58 and 68?

At 8 – You take her to bed and tell her a story.

At 18 – You tell her a story and take her to bed.

At 28 – You don’t need to tell her a story to take her to bed.


At 38 – She tells you a story and takes you to bed.

At 48 – You tell her a story to avoid going to bed....

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8 years ago today, I shared the worst joke I ever created. I reposted it 4 years ago. Here it is again for those that missed it.

There are two identical twin brothers that live together. One happens to be a well-respected dentist, and the other can't seem to keep a job. Instead of actively looking for work, he likes to sit around at home. One Saturday, the dentist is hungry, and puts his brother on the spot. He tells him to g...

Why were the star wars movies released 4,5,6,1,2,3,7,8

In charge of planning Yoda was

It's my Cakeday! 8 Years on Reddit!

My life is the joke.

A joke I came up with when I was 8 (or I read it somewhere)

2 bats were sitting on a bench in the middle of the night and one turns to the other and says "I'm really thirsty for some blood"

So he goes off into the darkness.

After a while he comes back with its mouth full of blood and the second bat says "wow where did you get so much blood in t...

What do you call an orgy with 8 women?

Octopus.

I was 16 minutes late for my first math lecture, 8 minutes late for the second, and 4 minutes late for the third.

At this rate, I’ll never be there on time.

This morning at about 7:45, I was in a long line at a grocery store that opens at 8:00 for senior citizens only.

A young man came from the parking lot and tried to cut in at the front of the line, but an old lady beat him back into the parking lot with her cane.

He returned and tried to cut in again but an old man punched him in the gut, then kicked him to the ground and rolled him away.

As he ap...

(From my 8 y/o) What goes “Oooooooooooooooo”

A cow with no lips!



Edit: Silver! Thanks, my son will be stoked! After I explain to him what that even is 🤣

And Gold! You guys rock, he’ll love it!

Platinum!?! Wow 👌🏼💪🏼

I asked my wife to rate my listening skills and she said, “You’re an 8 on a scale of 10.”

I still don’t get why she wanted me to urinate on a skeleton...

A joke my 8-year old made up: What do you call a chicken that's afraid of the dark?

A chicken

I heard 8/10 Americans are bad at math...

Glad to know I'm in the other 2%.

Courtesy of my 8-year-old : Knock knock

Who's there

Europe

Europe who?

No, you're a poo!

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(from my 8 year old) What do you see when a duck pulls down his underwear?

His butt quack

My 8 year-old kept chewing electrical wires…

…so I had to ground him.

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When I was a younger lad I was blessed with an 8 1/2" penis

Unfortunately it belonged to father O'Malley

If apple released iphone 8 and 10 this year

Would it release nine eleven next year

Edit : my first 24 hours top 10 thanks all

How did 8 kill 18?

8/8/18

What walks on 8 legs until it's one years old, 4 legs until it's twenty years old and then 2 legs for the remainder of it's life?

Fred and George Weasley.

About 1,375 olives are pressed in order to make 1 liter of olive oil, 8,435 sunflower seeds to make a liter of sunflower oil...

Don't even get me started on baby oil

Me : Shaking a magic 8 ball..

"Will my vision ever get better??"

Coconut :

My password needed to be 8 characters.

So I used “Snow White and the Seven
Dwarves.”

An 8-year old girl went to the office with her father on 'Take Your Kid to Work Day'.

An 8-year old girl went to the office with her father on 'Take Your Kid to Work Day'. As they were walking around the office, the young girl starting crying and getting very cranky, her father asked what was wrong with her.

As the staff gathered round she sobbed loudly, Daddy, where are all t...

I took my 8 year old niece to the zoo last week...

..we were walking around the various cages and enclosures when all of a sudden she yells, “Look Uncle John! It's a frickin' Elephant!”
I was shocked and slightly angry, as everybody was looking at us. “What did you just call it?” I asked.
“It's a frickin' Elephant, it says so on the picture!” ...

The chances of a kidnapped person falling in love with his/her kidnapper is about 8%

The chances of someone falling in love with me just went from 0% to 8%

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Three friends were bragging about who has the most sex. The first guy starts, “Y'all ain't got nothing on me! I can go to any bar and bring home a new woman every night! Not only that, but I drive a corvette and have an 8 inch penis! I've slept with more than 1,000 women!”

Second guy fires back, “Oh yeah? Well I’m a top gynecologist at the highest rated hospital in the world. I make $800,000 a year, have patients and nurses who have sex with me every hour I’m at work. All the women compliment me on my 12 inch penis and I've slept with well over 5,000 women.”
...

Did you know if you drink the fluid from a magic 8 ball you can see the future.

Trust me. My friend Keith did it once and he said he was going to die and then he did.

(My 8 year old just told me this one) Who is the fish's valentine?

His Gil-Friend!

Idc what ya'll say, that was golden! Lol

My 8 year old cousin: " Why did the chicken cross the road?"

8yo cousin: To get to the idiot's house.

Me (patronizingly): Oh..uh..yeah good one haha.

8yo cousin: Wanna hear another one? Knock knock

Me: Who's there

8yo: The chicken.

3.8 Earthquake in Buffalo

Jeez, in Kentucky we just say she fell outta bed

I just bought a knife that can cut 8 pieces of bread at once.

It's a four loaf cleaver.

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Little 8 year old Susie is in her back yard digging a hole..

..Her neighbor Mr. Johnson peeks over the fence and says *"Gee Susie, what's going on?"*


Susie says, *"I'm digging a hole, it's pretty obvious"*


Mr. Johnson asks, *"Why are you digging a hole?"*


Susie replies, *"I'm burying my gold fish"*


Mr. Johnson laugh...

Why were the star wars movies released 4, 5, 6, 1, 2, 3, 7, 8?

In charge of planning Yoda was.

Since this year they launched the iPhone 8/X

We'll probably get to see 9/11 next year

Wife: "Look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits."

Husband: "For God’s sake woman, it’s a scarf!"

My laziness is like the number 8.

Once it lies down, it becomes infinite.

I asked my magic 8-ball which email client to use. It told me...

Outlook not so good.

My 8 year old told me a really clever joke for once.

What do you get when you cross Captain America and the Hulk?

A Star-Spangled Banner.

Why must 8 always stand up?

If it lies down, it's forever.

Joke my 8 year old made up: " How do you make two C's out of one C?"

You have to use a C-Saw!

I joined gym 8 months ago

But still didn't lose any weight, may be i need to go there and ask them what's wrong.

Two little boys, ages 6 and 8, are excessively mischievous.

They are always getting into trouble and their parents know if any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved.

The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys.

The preacher ...

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Scientists claim its impossible to fold a piece of paper 8 times.

They have obviously never seen me wiping my ass when there is only one sheet of toilet paper left.

My son got 8 out of 10 on his driver's test.

The other 2 managed to jump out of his way.

What do you call someone that only believes in an 1/8 of the Bible?

A Catholic

What do you call 8 Italian grandmothers, sitting on a bench next to a superhero?

Nana Nana Nana Nana Nana Nana Nana Nana BATMAN!

My 8 year old sister's joke: There were 12 fish in a pond. One of the dies. Why did the water level in the pond rise?

-Because the other fish were crying.

What do you call a group of 8 rabbits?

A rabbyte.

Me: *shaking 8 ball* will tonight’s party be amazing?

8 ball: i’m a pile of cocaine, what the hell do you think?

I was on the fence whether I should buy Office 365 and consulted my Magic 8-Ball and it said

Outlook not good!

Doctor: How old are you on a scale of 1 to 8?

Kid: It stops at 8?

Doctor: It does for you.

I just found out Microsoft bought Skype for 8.5 billion dollars.

Idiots...they should have just downloaded it.

Why do all the other number work to keep 8 awake?



Because when 8 falls asleep it's forever.

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Two boys, 8 and 10 constantly swear...

One evening, when the boys are fighting, the mother gets fed up and decides she is done.

She tells the boys " I've had enough of your potty mouths! The next time I hear you cuss, I'm going to slap you!! Now get to your rooms!!!"

The next morning she is in the kitchen when the boys co...

Back when I was 8 years old, my family decided to move.

Don't worry, I found where they moved to.

Alright so hear me out, if the big bang was 13.8 billion years ago, and matter cannot be created nor destroyed, and all our bodies are made of matter, that mean we're all 13.8 billion years old...

so in conclusion yes officer she was old enough.

The woman who injected her 8-year old daughter with Botox for beauty pageants has lost custody.

The child didn't look surprised.

8-year old Alex had a crush on his teacher, so he stayed behind in recess.

The teacher asked Alex if something was wrong, since he wasn't out with the others.

"It's because I'm in love with you, Alex told her.

"Well," the teacher replied - "What If I don't like small children?".

"Then...we'll just have to be careful, I guess".

From my 8 year old son

Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Answer: Cause the Pee is silent

I managed to buy some GameStop stocks at only $8/share!

It is called "GameStop Total Landscaping," right?

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My grandad was a WWII veteran. In just one day during the Battle of Britain, he destroyed 8 German aircraft killing a total of 32 Nazi aviators.

He was easily the worst aircraft mechanic the Luftwaffe has ever had.

8 p.m. I get an SMS from my girlfriend: Me or football?!

11 p.m. I SMS my girlfriend: You of course.

My 8 year old son wants to be a comedian.

He also like quantum physics, so I suggested he make up some jokes. Here's the first two.

What so you call a particle who likes taking pictures?
A photongrapher

Why did the apple fall out of the tree?
It ran out of gluons.

If you have any Similar he'd love to hear them and...

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8 Life Lessons — NOT OC

I'll credit this as last posted by u/NinjaNoob99.

-----

*SHOWER:*

A woman gets out of the shower just as her husband is going to his room. Hearing a knock on the front door, she wraps herself in her bathrobe before stepping outside. She sees her neighbor, who says "I'll give you...

Mosquito bit me 8 times.

Mosquito byte.

We're in Trouble

The population of this country is 327 million.


76 million are retired.


That leaves 251 million to do the work. 


There are 48 million people who are permanently disabled.


Which leaves 203 million to do the work


There are 74 million chil...

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The number 8 walks into a therapists office

The number 8 walks into a therapists office and says to the doctor I won’t lie down otherwise we will be here forever

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An 8-year-old knocks on the door of a brothel...

The Madam opens it up, looks down and sees the kid. “What do you want?”

The kid says, “I wanna get laid!”

The Madam says, “Yeah, come back in ten years.”

“But I wanna get laid.”

The Madam bends down and says, “Kid, get out of here, come back in ten years. Tell you what, g...

why are 8,9 and 10 always eating snacks and soft drinks?

Because they are in the 7/11

What do you call a cat with 8 heads?

An octopuss

Did you hear about the mortician that tried to smuggle an 8-ball of coke in a dead body?

Authorities found it in the coroner pocket.

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Two paedophiles are waiting at a bus stop when an 8 year old girl walks past...

One says to the other, "I bet she was a looker in her day."

I just grilled a chicken for 8 hours.

And it still didn't tell me why it crossed the road.

We've had about 7 or 8 Resident Evil games so far...

when do we get our first Attending Physician Evil?

One day, 3 men died and went to heaven

"Religion?" God's secretary asked the first man.
"Jewish," the man replied.
"Okay, go to room 23, but be very quiet when you go past room 8," the secretary said.
"Religion?" he asked the second man.
"Muslim."
"Go to room 10, but be very quiet when you go past room 8."
"Religion?" h...

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They say having sex burns as many calories as running 8 miles…

I think that’s ridiculous, who can run 8 miles in 30 seconds

What did 0 say to 8?

Nice belt, m8

From my 8 year old...

What do you get when you mix a Christmas tree and an IPad? A pineapple.

Don't ban me please.

NOTICE: Procrastinators meeting at 8 P.M. tonight

Edit: 9 P.M.

Edit: 10 P.M.

I need some advice. I’ve just been offered 8 legs of venison for $50.

Is that two deer?

The world's most expensive object by weight : at 8 million dollars per gram, it's a stamp

UPDATE : weighing 25 grams and costing a staggering 22 Bugatti cars, the new winner is Andrew Tate's pizza box.

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Why are chess players good in bed?

They can find up to 8 G spots for their queen.

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Immaculate conception disproven in 8 words.

Hey reddit, so by complete accident I've disproven the theory of Jesus's virgin birth through researching Christmas tunes. This can be found in the first eight words of 'Joy to the World'

Joy to the world, the Lord is cum.

A lady about 8 months pregnant

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. He seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the drive...

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An 8 year-old choir boy caught the Catholic priest masturbating

He said, “What are you doing, Father?”

The priest replied, “It’s called masturbating,” the priest replied,

“You’ll be doing it soon.”

“Why, Father?” he asked.

“Because my wrist is killing me.”

I went to the store to pick up 8 cans of Sprite

I only realised when I got home that I picked 7up!

Why did Star Wars come out in the order of 4,5,6,1,2,3,7,8,9?

“in charge of scheduling, I was”

Credit: u/Demonazzzz

Eminem's "8 Mile" wasn't very well received in Canada

I guess the title "12.8748 Kilometer" just isn't as catchy.

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A man walked into a hospital with 8 plastic horses in his rectum.

They described his condition as "stable"

8:45 PM, Arrive at the crime scene

- 8:45 PM, Assess victim. Cause of death: strangulation, victim’s phone and wallet are missing
- 8:45 PM, Gather evidence. No visible fingerprints, rope used to strangle the victim was found in a nearby trashcan
- 8:45 PM, Question witnesses. One witness states the murderer was driving away...

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A Finnish and a Japanese company decided to organize an annual rowing competition with 8-man teams.

A Finnish and a Japanese company decided to organize an annual rowing competition with 8-man teams. Both teams trained long and hard. When race day came, both teams thought they were in top shape, but the Japanese won by far in the mile.

After the defeat, a defeatist mood prevailed among the ...

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I 8/10 once.

She didn't let me fuck her though.

I just ended a 8 year relationship

I’m OK though, it wasn’t my relationship

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A blonde 8 year old girl is walking home one day...

... when she finds a welders mask. She thinks to herself "awesome" and puts it on and continues on her walk. A few minutes later a middle aged dude pulls up alongside the little girl and says "Hey kid, nice mask, wanna lift?" The little girl doesn't know any better and decides to take him up on his ...

Doctor: Well, your arm is broken. You’ll need a cast for about 8 weeks and you’ll be good as new

Me: When the cast comes off, will I be able to play the piano?

Doctor: I don’t see why not.

Me: AWESOME!!!! I’ve always wanted to play the piano

Chinese takeout: $8. Tip :$2. Getting home

and finding out that they forgot part of your order: riceless.

why were 7 and 8 confused

because they were in the middle of 6-9

I lost 8 pounds

Give me my money back, man

8 girls asked me out..

Oh man I was in the wrong bathroom

From my 8-year-old: What does Santa say if you get too close to him with a cold?

You’re on the snotty list!

From my 8 year old: what's the most comfortable car?

A comfortible

+8

Just quoting the Mayans

God: "8" Angel: "9"

God:"We shouldn't do this drunk." Angel:"10 lol" God: "15" Angel *mouthful of pizza*: "25" Centipede *tearing up*: "Stop giving me legs, I look stupid!" God: "ONE HUNDRED" Angel: "LMAO"

What's half of 8?

00 if you cut horizontally and 33 if you cut vertically

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