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A 6 year old boy visits the zoo with his parents…

…where they stop to see the elephant. While the father’s in the restroom, the son notices one elephant has a rather large erection. Curious, he gets his mom’s attention.

“Mommy, what’s that hanging from the elephant?” “Oh, that’s its trunk honey.” “No, further back!” “Ah, you mean its tail!” ...

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6 Life Lessons

**Lesson 1:**

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give y...

Why did Star Wars come out in the order of 4,5,6,1,2,3,7,8,9?

“in charge of scheduling, I was”

Credit: u/Demonazzzz

My wife and I have been together for 6 wonderful years.

Unfortunately, we've been married for 20.

I can't remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6 and 500 in Roman numerals

I M LIVID

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(Based on a true story): My 6 year old son walked into the family room while I was watching a movie. He points at me and proclaims "You licked a puss!"...

I muted the TV and looked at him with a raised eyebrow. "I'm sorry? What did you say?"

He pointed again and proclaimed "YOU LICKED A PUSS!"

My mind stared racing... "Did we leave the door opened on date night last Saturday?" I then looked behind me and saw a candle burning.

"Son...

What is 6.9??

69 ruined by a period.

6 guys playing poker

Six guys were playing poker when Smith loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing up. After the game, Mr. Roberts looks around and asks, "Now, who is going to tell the wife...

What has 6 wheels and flies?

A garbage truck

My wife asked me to go get 6 cans of Sprite from the grocery store. I realized when I got home that...

I had picked 7 up!

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Young man walks into a bar to order 6 shots of whiskey...

Bartender asks what's the occasion? Young man replies, first blowjob. Bartender says congratulations, in that case, let me buy you a beer. Young man says, if the whiskey doesn't get the taste out of my mouth,, nothing will.

Dear Charlie, We’ve been neighbors for 6 tumultuous years.

When you borrowed my snowblower, you returned it in pieces.

When I was sick, you blasted Metallica.

And when your dog decorated my lawn, you laughed.

I could go on, but I’m not one to hold grudges. So I am writing this letter to tell you that your house is on fire.

Co...

6:30 is the best time on the clock,

Hands down.

I did with 5 what Hemingway could not do with 6

For sale: Lollipop. Mostly un-licked.

I have 6.3 Million jokes about unemployed people...

Sadly, none of them work.

My wife is mad at me because I lost £6,570 gambling. Seriously, honey! It's not even YOUR money...

Anymore.

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What's long and hard on a 1/6 insurrectionist?

Appearently 1st grade English, math and civics class.

Why does Spider-Man only fight crime 6 days a week?

Because Garfield doesn’t like Mondays

A bus driver was called into court for killing 24 children and 6 adults

The judge asks the bus driver "why did you kill all those innocent people?"

The bus driver, looking a little sad, says "I didn't mean too, It was by mistake!"

"How did it happen?" Asks the judge.

"Well-" said the bus driver, "I was driving to a bus station but suddenly, on the r...

I was dismayed this afternoon when my wife told me my 6 year old son wasn't actually mine.

She then said I need to pay more attention at school pick up.

A British doctor says: "In Britain, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's liver, put it in another man, and in 6 weeks, he was looking for a job."

The German doctor replies: "That's nothing. In Germany, we took part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he was looking for a job."

The Russian doctor replies: "Well, we took half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he was looking for a job."

The...

Whats 6 inches long, 2 inches wide, and drives women crazy?

A $100 dollar bill.

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What has 6 tits, no teeth and only comes out at night?

3rd shift at Waffle House

My cousin who stutters was sentenced to 6 months in prison

That was two years ago, but he still hasn’t finished his sentence

Why is 6 afraid of 7?

Because 7 is a registered 6 offender.

Why were Star Wars episodes 4,5,6 released before 1,2,3?

Because in charge of planning, Yoda was.

1 in 6 people...

find Russian roulette mind blowing.

We all know why 6 is afraid of 7, but that brings up the question, “why did 7 eat 9?”

Because you need 3 square meals a day

55 protons, 78 neutrons, 55 electrons, 6 croutons.

Cesium salad.

I have 4 noses, 10 eyes, 20 legs, and 6 fingers, What am I?

Ugly

I was shocked to read this. Statistically 6 out of 7 dwarves

aren't Happy

6 yr old son made this up. What do exploding pandas eat?

BAMBOOM!

I asked Vincent van gogh to get me 6 eggs from the store, he came back with three...

Forgot he can only hear half of what I'm saying

Here's an actual joke from my 6 year old

What is the pirates favorite part of the house?



The back-yarrrrrghd!



He was very proud of this joke and wanted to know if it was a good pun.

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My doctor gave me 6 months, so I shot him.

## The judge gave me 60 years!


 

 

 


### My (other) favorite one liners:

1. I’ve had amnesia for as long as I can remember.

1. What do you call a cheap circumcision? A ripoff.

1. French tanks have five rever...

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Did you hear the one about the guy who got 6 months in jail for prematurely ejaculating?

I think he got off easy.

From my 6 year-old: Why shouldn’t you fart in an elevator?

Because it’s wrong on so many levels.

There are approximately 6.02*10^23 guacas in a guacamole.

This is known as avocado’s number.

Three things Christ promises he will never do: Won't leave you broken-hearted (Psalm 147:3), won't reject you (John 6:37), and won't leave you nor forsake you (Hebrews 13:5).

So in essence, Jesus is...>!never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna run around and desert you.!<

A 6 story building is on fire

Fireman 1: Your turn to choose… you want the ladder or the stairs?

Fireman 2: Ok, I’ll take the latter

Fireman 1: Ok, I’ll take the ladder

My wife and I were watching my 6 yr old daughter swim and she says to me (not wanting to swear), "She needs to stop screwing around and keep her head above the Effin water!"

So I said, "There's no "F" in water".

I’m so smart it only took me 6 months to assemble a Jigsaw puzzle

The box says “2-4 years”

A guy rushes into a bar out of breath and manages to excitedly utter to the bartender "Gimme 6 shots of whiskey quick"!

The bartender says "What's the hurry?" as he lays out the six shots. The guy starts downing the shots as fast as the bartender is filling them. As he is gulping down the last shot, he utters "Well you would drink fast too if you had what I have". The bartender says "well geez mister what do you have...

Yo momma's so fat that objects 5 meters away accelerate at 1 m/s^2 toward her. What is yo momma's mass if G = 6.67x10^-11Nm^2/kg^2?

Please, someone help me, I can't solve it and it's making me nuts.

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What has 6 balls and fucks all the poor people?

The lottery.

6 Year old son , after reading story of a king

Son: Mom I also want 4 wives, one will sing ,one bathe me, one will cook

Mom: And one will put you to sleep

Son:No, Mom I will still sleep with you
Mom's eyes filled up with tears.God Bless you dear

Mom: Then who will sleep with your 4 wives?

Son: Let them sleep wit...

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What's 6 foot long, vibrates and turns a small penis into a giant prick?

A motorcycle.

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What comes between 4 and 6?

A horny insomniac.

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Two brothers are in their room one morning. The older brother says, "Billy, I'm 9 and you're 6. We're practically men. So today when we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say hell and you're gonna say ass."

illy nods his head in excitement and they go downstairs. The boys sit at the table and their mom greets them.

"Good morning boys, what would ya'll like for breakfast?"

Billy looks at his older brother, who smiles and throws his arm over the back rest and says, "Ah hell mom, make it che...

Why 2, 4, 6 went for a fight and lost?

It is because the odds are against them.

From my 6 year old: What does a cloud wear beneath its pants?

Thunderwear!


Edit: Thanks so much for the awards! I told my 6yo this morning how much love his joke got, and he’s absolutely walking on air!

You may have just helped create a comedian, you monsters.

Statistically speaking, 6 out 10 statistics are wrong.

Including this one.

What do you call an octopus which is missing 4 and 6/7 legs?

An octo-pi

I've noticed lately that women prefer men at least 6'

away.

So, today my boss asked me to pick up 6 cans of Sprite for a meeting.

However, when I returned, I realised that I had picked 7 up instead

Why was 6 afraid of 7?

Because 7 was primed for revenge, and odds had to be evened.

6 was afraid of 7 because 789. But why did 7 eat 9?

Because he needed 3² meals a day.

My son was walking shirtless showing his 6 pack abs proudly and said 'This didn't happen by accident'

I said ' if you ask your mother,she would tell a different answer' .

4, 6, 8 & 9 have all been killed.

2, 3, 5, 7 & 11 are the prime suspects.

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A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his butt.

The doctor described his condition as “stable “.

How much dirt is in a 6 foot deep hole?

There isn’t any; it’s a hole.

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Imagine a wilderness scene, a flowing river and critters running around There is a fly, buzzing above the river, but what he don’t know is that there is a fish watching him, thinking “That fly is gonna drop 6 in. And I’m gonna jump up and get em, and have myself a good meal”

But the fish don’t know that there is a bear watching him thinking

“That fly is gonna drop 6 in. Fish is gonna eat the fly, I’m gonna get the fish, and have myself a good meal”

But the bear don’t know that there is a hunter watching him, eating a sandwich, and the hunter thinks

...

What has 6 legs and 2 heads?

Nirvana.

Why did the Star Wars movies come out in the order 4 5 6 1 2 3?

In charge of the sequence, Yoda was.

My 6 year old daughter just said to me..

"Dad, don't you find it inherently dishonest when people fabricate a false narrative using children to make the underlying message more humorous?"

I dunno what she talking about. Kids, eh?

Why was 6 afraid of 7?

6 never did trust 7. Sure, they worked closely together, but 7 always seemed at odds with him. 6 always preferred the company of 4, a perfect 10 of a duo, even though 2 kept them apart.
But when it came to 7? 6 always summed it up to bad luck. Then, 6 found the truth.
6 respected 9, even thoug...

The real reason women don't like guys under 6 feet.

Dead people really struggle to hold a conversation.

Why is Jesus always shown with a 6 pack of abs?

Because he's cross fit.

My neighbourhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs. I've been a customer for 6 years.

I never knew he was a barber.

A 4’6” woman walks into a matchmaking service…

A 4’6” (137cm) woman walks into a matchmaking service.

She says to the man behind the counter, “I’m really insecure about my height, so the only thing I’m looking for in a partner is that he’s shorter than me.”

The man replies, “You’ve got really low standards.”

.

[OC, ...

The owner of the only abortion clinic that vowed to defy Texas' new law prohibiting abortions past 6 weeks says, it's never been busier...

"Currently we got a 24 month wait list"

6 Times A Day

A husband & wife visited a farm. They saw a bull mating with a cow. The wife asked the farm manager.
Wife: "How many times does a bull mate a day?"
Manager replied: "6 times a day."
The wife looked at her husband & said ".... u see!"
Then the husband asked the manager.
Husband...

What walks into an alley with 6 legs and walks out with 2?

"What walks into an alley with 6 legs and walks out with 2?"

"What?"

"The Wayne Family"

Today I got asked out by 6 girls

I was in the girls' bathroom

Which word has 6 letters, starts with an N and ends with an R and is related to a Race

NASCAR

My 6 year old sone impressed me today. He asked me "What is the brownist number?"

What is the brownist number?

Number 2.

He has tried for months to come up with something original. Usually, they just don't make sense, or just aren't funny. This was the first time he had an original I cracked up at.

I had a dream where I was attacked by 6 naked women.

Sounds strange dozen tit?

We all know why 6 is afraid of 7 but why is 10 afraid? May be offensive

Because it was right in the middle of 9/11

Every morning at breakfast for the past 6 months, I announce loudly to my family that I’m going for a jog, and then I don’t.

It’s my longest running joke of the year.

Went to a restaurant that had circles 6 feet apart.

They only served people in the loop.

Came up with this one 6 years ago. Zelda Lame Joke #18:

What hotel does Link stay at?

..


..




..


.
.


The Hyatt!

When I was 6 I found out I had a life threathening disease. I had to cover myself in urine once a day to stay alive

I am just lucky my brother told me about it

My wife hasn't said a word to me in 6 days.

What's even better is, she thinks it's punishment.

What do Winds of Winter, Elder Scrolls 6, and Starfield all have in common?

Bill Cosby was released before they were.

Paul was 6 feet tall, Bob was 5 feet tall, John was 5'5.

John was the mean one.

Teach a man how to joke and he'll get 6 upvotes

Teach a man how to repost, and watch him get loads of awards

The seven dwarfs have been advised that they can only meet in groups of 6...

One of them isn’t Happy!

There was a man who took very good care of his body. Every day he lifted weights and jogged 6 miles.

One day, he looked in the mirror and noticed that he was tanned all over, apart from on his ‘thing’.

So, he decided to do something about it…

He went to the beach, took off all his clothes and buried himself in the sand, except for his ‘thing’ which he left sticking out.

Two old...

August 20, 2020: Scientists have discovered a "mystery object" in space. The object is equal to 2.6 solar masses.

March 1, 2021: (Update) Scientists have determined that the “mystery object” is made up of unmatched socks.

An o‌‌ld w‌‌oman a‌‌sks h‌‌er h‌‌usband o‌‌f 6‌‌9 y‌‌ears

‌‌"Honey, w‌‌hat d‌‌id y‌‌ou t‌‌hink o‌‌f m‌‌e w‌‌hen y‌‌ou f‌‌irst s‌‌aw m‌‌e?".

"My f‌‌irst t‌‌hought w‌‌as t‌‌hat I‌‌ w‌‌anted t‌‌o f‌‌uck y‌‌our b‌‌rains o‌‌ut a‌‌nd s‌‌uck y‌‌our t‌‌its d‌‌ry", h‌‌e r‌‌eplied.

"And w‌‌hat d‌‌o y‌‌ou t‌‌hink o‌‌f m‌‌e n‌‌ow, d‌‌arling?", t‌‌he o‌‌l...

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A big, burly, 6’10” 283lb guy walks into a bar carrying a brown box...

Everyone is staring quietly because of the sheer size of some random guy seemingly on a mission.

He walks up to the counter and orders two shots of whiskey. After downing them both in succession, he reaches into the box and pulls out a huge snapping turtle, shows it to everyone around. Then t...

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A man was rushed to hospital with 6 toy horses stuck up his ass...

The doctors describe his condition as stable.

It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress

I’m going there in-person to see what’s going on

Whays the only word in English with 6 silent letters in?

LondonDerry

I was doing a pretend job interview with my 6 year old daughter and I asked her, “where do you see yourself in 5 years?”

She said: “in a mirror”



This really happened and I still laugh every time I think about it.

An artist has a 6 year old child who also likes to draw

His child drew a horse.

The artist asked, "You drew the horse wrongly."

The child replied, "How did I draw it wrongly?"

The artist said, "Why does the horse have wings?"

The child replied, "Why can't it have wings?"

The artist said, "It isn't a horse if it has wing...

My 6 year old made this up while taking his bath...

Knock knock

Who's there?

Dwayne

Dwayne who?

Dwayne the tub before I dwown.

A woman who is 3 months pregnant falls into a deep coma. 6 months later, she awakes and asks the doctor about her baby.

Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl, and they are both fine. Luckily, your brother named them for you.

Woman: Oh no, not my brother! He's an idiot! What did he name the girl?

Doctor: Denise.

Woman: Well it isn't so bad, and what did he call the boy?

Doctor: Denephew.

6 years ago i DMed my facebook crush telling her that I am going to take her out on a date. Today I asked her to marry me.

She said no both times and blocked me

What has 6 legs, red hair, and flies?

No, seriously. This thing is scaring the hell out me.

Mark is 5 feet, 6 inches tall

Mark likes dating taller women.

So, Mark was so excited to find a girl on a dating site who's bio said that she is 5 feet, 10 inches tall.

He was even more excited to see that her bio said that she likes dating shorter guys.

Mark chats with this girl for a while, and they eventu...

The CDC recommends that funeral gatherings be limited to 30 people and holiday gatherings be limited to 6 people.

Funeral proceedings for Gobbles the turkey will be held on November 26th and again on December 25th. Please bring beer to celebrate his life.

Chuck Norris passed 6 kidney stones.

Thanos used them in the Infinity Gauntlet.

How do you make 6 pounds of fat attractive?

Put a nipple on it!

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Oh to be 6 again

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday.

'I'd like to be six again', she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her Birthday, he...

Had an Amish friend with 6 sons and five daughters.

OP.
When his wife got pregnant again, he hoped for a daughter, just to even things up. But, alas, another boy. When I saw him next, I asked him what was the kid count was now.
He smiled and winked, “I now have one and a half dozen boys, and five girls.”

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*NSFW* John is sent to prison and he meets his 6’8” 320 pound cell mate

Cell mate says, “We are going to be here a long time, so you choose whether you want to be the husband or the wife?”

John is scared but he knows what to pick to make his life a little easier, “I’ll be the husband” he says confidently.

Cell mate, “ Good, now come here and suck your wife...

Trump's wall will cost 21.6 billion, Nasa's budget is only 19 billion

Probably because Mexico has more aliens

I came across 6 men beating up my mother in law. My wife asked "aren't you going to help?"

I said no, 6 should be enough.

A 6-year-old walks into a bar...

The bartender tells says they don't serve minors as all they have are hard liquors. The child says he wants two whiskies then a malt. The bartender says that he needs to see ID. The child shows an ID from another country, claiming he is 95 years old. The bartender gives the child the ID back and ask...

After 6 months (or so) of listening to people talk with masks on

I finally understand what Charlie Browns teacher was saying

3" , 6", & 9" are which Shakespeare plays?

Much Ado About Nothing... As You Like It ...& Taming of the Shrew.

What do you call 6.022 x 10^23 molecules of avocado?

A guac-mole

I simmered ten comedians in water for 6 hours.

and made a laughing stock.

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Why was 6 afraid of 7?

I've told this story to many naive greens before me, so self-absorbed in their own notions of human conflict and the meaning of war. Whenever I finish the tale they're always pale as Lyndon B's corrupt lyin' ass. I can't blame 'em. This story kept me up throughout my whole deployment in those damn j...

My 6 year old just made this one up, really proud. If a pear “paralyzes” you, what does an apple do?

It paralyzes you.

Why was 6 mad at 7?

Cause 7 said some really hurtful things.

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