A bus driver was called into court for killing 24 children and 6 adults

The judge asks the bus driver "why did you kill all those innocent people?"

The bus driver, looking a little sad, says "I didn't mean too, It was by mistake!"

"How did it happen?" Asks the judge.

"Well-" said the bus driver, "I was driving to a bus station but suddenly, on the r...

I was shocked to read this. Statistically 6 out of 7 dwarves

aren't Happy

I forgot how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6, and 500 in Roman numerals.

I’M LIVID.

1 in 6 people...

find Russian roulette mind blowing.

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What's 6 foot long, vibrates and turns a small penis into a giant prick?

A motorcycle.

I was dismayed this afternoon when my wife told me my 6 year old son wasn't actually mine.

She then said I need to pay more attention at school pick up.

I’m so smart it only took me 6 months to assemble a Jigsaw puzzle

The box says “2-4 years”

What do you call an octopus which is missing 4 and 6/7 legs?

An octo-pi

A guy rushes into a bar out of breath and manages to excitedly utter to the bartender "Gimme 6 shots of whiskey quick"!

The bartender says "What's the hurry?" as he lays out the six shots. The guy starts downing the shots as fast as the bartender is filling them. As he is gulping down the last shot, he utters "Well you would drink fast too if you had what I have". The bartender says "well geez mister what do you have...

Statistically speaking, 6 out 10 statistics are wrong.

Including this one.

A British doctor says: "In Britain, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's liver, put it in another man, and in 6 weeks, he was looking for a job."

The German doctor replies: "That's nothing. In Germany, we took part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he was looking for a job."

The Russian doctor replies: "Well, we took half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he was looking for a job."

The...

I asked Vincent van gogh to get me 6 eggs from the store, he came back with three...

Forgot he can only hear half of what I'm saying

Why was 6 afraid of 7?

Because 7 was a registered 6 offender.

My son was walking shirtless showing his 6 pack abs proudly and said 'This didn't happen by accident'

I said ' if you ask your mother,she would tell a different answer' .

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What has 6 balls and fucks all the poor people?

The lottery.

There are approximately 6.02*10^23 guacas in a guacamole.

This is known as avocado’s number.

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What comes between 4 and 6?

A horny insomniac.

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My doctor gave me 6 months, so I shot him.

## The judge gave me 60 years!


 

 

 


### My (other) favorite one liners:

1. I’ve had amnesia for as long as I can remember.

1. What do you call a cheap circumcision? A ripoff.

1. French tanks have five rever...

What does 6 say when you turn it upside down?

NEIN!

6 yr old son made this up. What do exploding pandas eat?

BAMBOOM!

Why was 6 afraid of 7?

Because 7 was primed for revenge, and odds had to be evened.

Three things Christ promises he will never do: Won't leave you broken-hearted (Psalm 147:3), won't reject you (John 6:37), and won't leave you nor forsake you (Hebrews 13:5).

In essence, Jesus is never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna run around and desert you.

From my 6 year old: What does a cloud wear beneath its pants?

Thunderwear!


Edit: Thanks so much for the awards! I told my 6yo this morning how much love his joke got, and he’s absolutely walking on air!

You may have just helped create a comedian, you monsters.

- My wife asked me to go get 6 cans of Sprite from the grocery store.

I realized when I got home that I had picked 7 up.

The owner of the only abortion clinic that vowed to defy Texas' new law prohibiting abortions past 6 weeks says, it's never been busier...

"Currently we got a 24 month wait list"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why is 6.9 the worst sex position?

It's 69 interrupted by a period.

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Imagine a wilderness scene, a flowing river and critters running around There is a fly, buzzing above the river, but what he don’t know is that there is a fish watching him, thinking “That fly is gonna drop 6 in. And I’m gonna jump up and get em, and have myself a good meal”

But the fish don’t know that there is a bear watching him thinking

“That fly is gonna drop 6 in. Fish is gonna eat the fly, I’m gonna get the fish, and have myself a good meal”

But the bear don’t know that there is a hunter watching him, eating a sandwich, and the hunter thinks

...

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Two brothers are in their room one morning. The older brother says, "Billy, I'm 9 and you're 6. We're practically men. So today when we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say hell and you're gonna say ass."

illy nods his head in excitement and they go downstairs. The boys sit at the table and their mom greets them.

"Good morning boys, what would ya'll like for breakfast?"

Billy looks at his older brother, who smiles and throws his arm over the back rest and says, "Ah hell mom, make it che...

What has 6 legs and 2 heads?

Nirvana.

A 4’6” woman walks into a matchmaking service…

A 4’6” (137cm) woman walks into a matchmaking service.

She says to the man behind the counter, “I’m really insecure about my height, so the only thing I’m looking for in a partner is that he’s shorter than me.”

The man replies, “You’ve got really low standards.”

.

[OC, ...

My 6 year old daughter just said to me..

"Dad, don't you find it inherently dishonest when people fabricate a false narrative using children to make the underlying message more humorous?"

I dunno what she talking about. Kids, eh?

So, today my boss asked me to pick up 6 cans of Sprite for a meeting.

However, when I returned, I realised that I had picked 7 up instead

Went to a restaurant that had circles 6 feet apart.

They only served people in the loop.

Came up with this one 6 years ago. Zelda Lame Joke #18:

What hotel does Link stay at?

..


..




..


.
.


The Hyatt!

Here's an actual joke from my 6 year old

What is the pirates favorite part of the house?



The back-yarrrrrghd!



He was very proud of this joke and wanted to know if it was a good pun.

Yo momma's so fat that objects 5 meters away accelerate at 1 m/s^2 toward her. What is yo momma's mass if G = 6.67x10^-11Nm^2/kg^2?

Please, someone help me, I can't solve it and it's making me nuts.

4, 6, 8 & 9 have all been killed.

2, 3, 5, 7 & 11 are the prime suspects.

What do Winds of Winter, Elder Scrolls 6, and Starfield all have in common?

Bill Cosby was released before they were.

6 was scared of 7 because 7,8,9 but why did 7 eat 9?

Because you are supposed to eat 3 squared meals per day

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his butt.

The doctor described his condition as “stable “.

Q: Do you know what 6.9 is?

A: A good thing screwed up by a period.

Today I got asked out by 6 girls

I was in the girls' bathroom

The real reason women don't like guys under 6 feet.

Dead people really struggle to hold a conversation.

We all know why 6 is afraid of 7 but why is 10 afraid? May be offensive

Because it was right in the middle of 9/11

My 6 year old sone impressed me today. He asked me "What is the brownist number?"

What is the brownist number?

Number 2.

He has tried for months to come up with something original. Usually, they just don't make sense, or just aren't funny. This was the first time he had an original I cracked up at.

Why is Jesus always shown with a 6 pack of abs?

Because he's cross fit.

Telling a 6 year old girl that Jesus is watching her is tolerable,

but telling her Jesus is watching her when she’s 16 is creepy.

My neighbourhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs. I've been a customer for 6 years.

I never knew he was a barber.

I've noticed lately that women prefer men at least 6'

away.

6.30 is the best time

Hands down.

Paul was 6 feet tall, Bob was 5 feet tall, John was 5'5.

John was the mean one.

6 was afraid of 7 because 789. But why did 7 eat 9?

Because he needed 3² meals a day.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

6 Life Lessons

6 life lessons

**Lesson 1:**

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, ...

6 Times A Day

A husband & wife visited a farm. They saw a bull mating with a cow. The wife asked the farm manager.
Wife: "How many times does a bull mate a day?"
Manager replied: "6 times a day."
The wife looked at her husband & said ".... u see!"
Then the husband asked the manager.
Husband...

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What has 3 teeth and 6 boobs?

Night shift at Waffle House.

What has 6 legs, 6 eyes and 6 hands?

6 pirates

I had a dream where I was attacked by 6 naked women.

Sounds strange dozen tit?

The seven dwarfs have been advised that they can only meet in groups of 6...

One of them isn’t Happy!

My cousin who stutters was sentenced to 6 months in prison

That was two years ago, but he still hasn’t finished his sentence

Chuck Norris passed 6 kidney stones.

Thanos used them in the Infinity Gauntlet.

August 20, 2020: Scientists have discovered a "mystery object" in space. The object is equal to 2.6 solar masses.

March 1, 2021: (Update) Scientists have determined that the “mystery object” is made up of unmatched socks.

Why did the Star Wars movies come out in the order 4 5 6 1 2 3?

In charge of the sequence, Yoda was.

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Oh to be 6 again

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday.

'I'd like to be six again', she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her Birthday, he...

My 6 year old daughter came up with this joke. What is a duck's favorite sea monster?

A Quacken

Teach a man how to joke and he'll get 6 upvotes

Teach a man how to repost, and watch him get loads of awards

Why was 6 afraid of 7?

6 never did trust 7. Sure, they worked closely together, but 7 always seemed at odds with him. 6 always preferred the company of 4, a perfect 10 of a duo, even though 2 kept them apart.
But when it came to 7? 6 always summed it up to bad luck. Then, 6 found the truth.
6 respected 9, even thoug...

A 6-year-old walks into a bar...

The bartender tells says they don't serve minors as all they have are hard liquors. The child says he wants two whiskies then a malt. The bartender says that he needs to see ID. The child shows an ID from another country, claiming he is 95 years old. The bartender gives the child the ID back and ask...

My 5 year old daughter was a preemie, she was born 6 weeks early, and was 3 lbs even when she was born.

A couple days later, my fiance said that she is definitely my daughter, I asked her why she said that, and she responded with, cause she came early.

My 6 yr old grand child gave me this. Why did the student eat his homework?

Because the teacher told him it was a piece of cake!

I simmered ten comedians in water for 6 hours.

and made a laughing stock.

Mark is 5 feet, 6 inches tall

Mark likes dating taller women.

So, Mark was so excited to find a girl on a dating site who's bio said that she is 5 feet, 10 inches tall.

He was even more excited to see that her bio said that she likes dating shorter guys.

Mark chats with this girl for a while, and they eventu...

There was a man who took very good care of his body. Every day he lifted weights and jogged 6 miles.

One day, he looked in the mirror and noticed that he was tanned all over, apart from on his ‘thing’.

So, he decided to do something about it…

He went to the beach, took off all his clothes and buried himself in the sand, except for his ‘thing’ which he left sticking out.

Two old...

How do you make 6 pounds of fat attractive?

Put a nipple on it!

3" , 6", & 9" are which Shakespeare plays?

Much Ado About Nothing... As You Like It ...& Taming of the Shrew.

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I hear NASA wants to put the DNA of 6.7 million species on the Moon.

That's a pretty big cum shot if you ask me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man was rushed to hospital with 6 toy horses stuck up his ass...

The doctors describe his condition as stable.

What is SEAL Team 6's favourite colour?

Aquamarine!

When I was 6 I found out I had a life threathening disease. I had to cover myself in urine once a day to stay alive

I am just lucky my brother told me about it

What is 6 inches long 2 inches wide and makes everyone go crazy?

$100 bill.

"The person who answers this last question gets to leave early" said the teacher

"Now what is the sum of three and two, multiplied by the square root of 6 " the teacher asked.

The class began scribbling furiously. All except for Bobby. Bobby raised his hand and the teacher called on him.

"5" answered Bobby confidently. He began to pack up his things and walk to th...

The Russian Covid Vaccine Sputnik is 91.6% effective

It's also the only Covid vaccine that will help you win an Olympic medal.

Why was 6 afraid to go camping with 7?

Because 7 1ted 2 bring 3 knives 4 sur5al but 6 knew that 7 secretly h8ed him and didn't have be9 in10tions.

Some people have 32 teeth, while some people have only 6.

It's simple meth.

What do you call 6.022 x 10^23 molecules of avocado?

A guac-mole

Why was 6 mad at 7?

Cause 7 said some really hurtful things.

My 6 year old just made this one up, really proud. If a pear “paralyzes” you, what does an apple do?

It paralyzes you.

An o‌‌ld w‌‌oman a‌‌sks h‌‌er h‌‌usband o‌‌f 6‌‌9 y‌‌ears

‌‌"Honey, w‌‌hat d‌‌id y‌‌ou t‌‌hink o‌‌f m‌‌e w‌‌hen y‌‌ou f‌‌irst s‌‌aw m‌‌e?".

"My f‌‌irst t‌‌hought w‌‌as t‌‌hat I‌‌ w‌‌anted t‌‌o f‌‌uck y‌‌our b‌‌rains o‌‌ut a‌‌nd s‌‌uck y‌‌our t‌‌its d‌‌ry", h‌‌e r‌‌eplied.

"And w‌‌hat d‌‌o y‌‌ou t‌‌hink o‌‌f m‌‌e n‌‌ow, d‌‌arling?", t‌‌he o‌‌l...

On the scale of attractiveness from 1 to 10 I’m a 6 at Trader Joe’s.

But I’m a strong 8 at Walmart.

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What’s 6 inches long and starts with a P?

A shit

The CDC recommends that funeral gatherings be limited to 30 people and holiday gatherings be limited to 6 people.

Funeral proceedings for Gobbles the turkey will be held on November 26th and again on December 25th. Please bring beer to celebrate his life.

My wife went nuts when I bought our 6 year old son a jigsaw.

Well, that laminate flooring ain't going to cut itself.

Blundered at the supermarket earlier, went in for 6 cans of Sprite

picked 7up

6 years ago i DMed my facebook crush telling her that I am going to take her out on a date. Today I asked her to marry me.

She said no both times and blocked me

What has 6 legs, red hair, and flies?

No, seriously. This thing is scaring the hell out me.

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A guy walks into a bar and orders 6 shots of Tequila.

"What are you celebrating?"

"My first blowjob."

"Congratulations! In that case, number 7 is on the house."

"Buddy, if 6 doesn't get the taste out of my mouth nothing will.

Yesterday I learnt that 20 piranhas can strip all flesh off a man within 6 minutes.

Unfortunately, I also lost my job at the local swimming pool.

It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress

I’m going there in-person to see what’s going on

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Why was 6 afraid of 7?

I've told this story to many naive greens before me, so self-absorbed in their own notions of human conflict and the meaning of war. Whenever I finish the tale they're always pale as Lyndon B's corrupt lyin' ass. I can't blame 'em. This story kept me up throughout my whole deployment in those damn j...

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*NSFW* John is sent to prison and he meets his 6’8” 320 pound cell mate

Cell mate says, “We are going to be here a long time, so you choose whether you want to be the husband or the wife?”

John is scared but he knows what to pick to make his life a little easier, “I’ll be the husband” he says confidently.

Cell mate, “ Good, now come here and suck your wife...

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A big, burly, 6’10” 283lb guy walks into a bar carrying a brown box...

Everyone is staring quietly because of the sheer size of some random guy seemingly on a mission.

He walks up to the counter and orders two shots of whiskey. After downing them both in succession, he reaches into the box and pulls out a huge snapping turtle, shows it to everyone around. Then t...

Which word has 6 letters, starts with an N and ends with an R and is related to a Race

NASCAR

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The young woman who submitted the tech support message presumably did it as a joke. Then she got a reply that was way too good to keep to herself.

The query:
Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications and intimacy, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 unin...

There was a fight yesterday, with 2 and 8 on one side, and 4 and 6 on another.

It was an even battlefield.

A joke my chem teacher told my class which his 6 year old son came up with

What do only T-Rexes have?
.
.
.
.
.
.
T-Rex babies

People always freak out when I show them I have 6 fingers in one hand

I'm starting to think it's because they're not mine.

So, I had a Spicy Italian 6” last night...

... and then he and I went to Subway.

If a man has got 6 apples in one hand and 8 bananas in the other... what has he got?

...Massive hands

An artist has a 6 year old child who also likes to draw

His child drew a horse.

The artist asked, "You drew the horse wrongly."

The child replied, "How did I draw it wrongly?"

The artist said, "Why does the horse have wings?"

The child replied, "Why can't it have wings?"

The artist said, "It isn't a horse if it has wing...

After 6 months (or so) of listening to people talk with masks on

I finally understand what Charlie Browns teacher was saying

I just saw my stormtrooper girlfriend for the first time in 6 months.

She said she missed me.

I was doing a pretend job interview with my 6 year old daughter and I asked her, “where do you see yourself in 5 years?”

She said: “in a mirror”



This really happened and I still laugh every time I think about it.

How did Mary know that Jesus weighed 7 lbs 6 oz?

Because there was a weigh in the manger.

Who were the first people in Australia to have a 6 pack?

The Aboriginals

Every morning at breakfast for the past 6 months, I announce loudly to my family that I’m going for a jog, and then I don’t.

It’s my longest running joke of the year.

Joke I wrote on a boat at age 6:

What do you tell a police officer when they get on your boat?
Police put on your life-vest!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guy goes to his doctor who runs some tests and comes back "I'm afraid you have cancer and you only have 6 months to live"

The guy asks "are you sure? Is there anything I can do?

The doctor says "We've run all the tests twice and we're quite certain. However, you might want to go over to UC Berkeley and enroll in Professor Hoffman's CS357 computer science class."

This guy is puzzled "Will that help me li...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Forgot the tree this year, so I'm putting up a 6 foot, tinsel covered Tampon.

Just for the festive period.

A woman who is 3 months pregnant falls into a deep coma. 6 months later, she awakes and asks the doctor about her baby.

Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl, and they are both fine. Luckily, your brother named them for you.

Woman: Oh no, not my brother! He's an idiot! What did he name the girl?

Doctor: Denise.

Woman: Well it isn't so bad, and what did he call the boy?

Doctor: Denephew.

My 6 year old made this up while taking his bath...

Knock knock

Who's there?

Dwayne

Dwayne who?

Dwayne the tub before I dwown.

An original joke by my 6 year old this evening. What is the largest number in South America?

A Brazilian!

Girl says she only dates 6 foot guys

I only have two feet :(

My wife hasn't said a word to me in 6 days.

What's even better is, she thinks it's punishment.

6 Men kidnap a blonde

They let go of her after being paid the ransom. Now the blonde is being questioned by the cops,for info on the kidnappers.

Cop:Mam, did you get a good look at them?

Blonde:No they were wearing masks.

Cop: Do you have anything to help us with the case?

Blonde: Yes I do...

I’m 3’6”, which makes certain daily tasks extremely difficult. Recently, I spent a good 10 minutes in my local supermarket wondering how to get the pasta down from the top shelf.

Then suddenly the penne dropped.

What happens when you park your car 6.28 feet over the lines?

It gets tau'd.

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