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300 Jokes

Just spent $300 on a limousine and discovered that the fee doesn't include a driver

Can't believe I've spent all that money and I have nothing to chauffeur it...

[Long] The population of this country is 300 million.

60 million are retired.

That leaves 240 million to do the work.

There are 95 million in school.

Which leaves 145 million to do the work.

Of this there are 22 million employed by the government.

Leaving 123 million to do the work.

61 million are disabled.
...

My wife came home and said “I’ve been selling my body for money today and I’ve made £300 and 50p”, I said who the hell gave you 50p.

She said “all of them”.

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An average person has sex 300 times a year.

The next 10 days are gonna be sick.

“Wonder Woman” earned $300 million worldwide in first week.

"Wonder Man" earned $400 million for doing the same job.

What's the best way to move 300 sheets of dry wall.

Just a little dumb funny thing my boss told me one day. When I first started construction I had to move 300 sheets of dry wall. After about 50 I asked him

"What's the best way to move all this dry wall?"

He said "hire someone else to do it for way less then what it's worth."

I s...

300 lb man decides to lose weight one day.

A 300 lb man decides he is tired of being so fat and wants to lose weight. So he gets on the Internet and finds a program that claims you can lose 10lbs in 2 weeks or your money back.

So he orders the program, and the very next day there is a knock on his door. He opens it up and there is a ...

I just found out that the movie “Lincoln” made almost $300 million in movie theatres.

I was shocked. Historically Lincoln doesn’t do too well in theatres.

I can bench press 300 pounds.

Not at the same time, but still...

My cousin called and asked if I would loan her £300.00 to help her pay her rent.

I told her to give me some time to think about it and I would call her back. Before I called her back my aunt called, told me that my cousin was lying and not to give her the money.

She goes on to say that the real reason my cousin wanted the £300.00 was to get her boyfriend out of jail so s...

Today, I gave a homeless man a watch, a phone, and $300.

You won't believe how happy I felt after he put his knife back in his pocket.

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I just had to pay $300 for a stool sample test.

That..shit was expensive.

I Read That There Were 300 Battered Women In America Every Day

And all this time I've been eating them raw.

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[NSFW]I Was Surprised When My deadbeat roommate actually had rent money on time

"Yeah, man, I got a job."

"Doing what?," I asked.

"I hang out in the alley and give blow jobs."

"Sounds like a hard way to make money."

"Nah, man, my very first night I made $300.05"

I scoffed, "Who paid you a nickel?"

He said, "They all did."

If a single germ can infect over 300 people...

Imagine what a married one could do.

I lost over 300 pounds in 2004 - 2006

It was a long divorce, but I do feel so much lighter now!

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago , another is from Tennessee , and the third is from Minnesota .

All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."
...

A lawyer sits next to a blonde on a plane, and he really wants her to notice him, but she shows no interest.

The lawyer is not used to being rejected, so he says:

"Let's play a game. We go back and forth and ask each other questions, and if you don't know the answer, you give the person $5."

The blonde isn't interested, and she declines.

After 20 minutes of silence, the lawyer says:...

A woman at the bar told me, "If you wanna bang me, it's $300."

I said, "Damn, I hadn't thought about it, but I could sure use the money!"

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My roommate says our house is haunted

I've been living here for 300 years and i havnt noticed shit.

300 Bricks on a plane

There are 300 bricks on a plane, 1 falls off. How many are left? Pretty simple, 299.


What are the 3 steps to put an elephant in a fridge? Easy, open the fridge, put the elephant inside, and close the fridge.


What are the 4 steps to put a Giraffe in the fridge? Easy, open the fr...

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Am I wrong?

I discovered a month -old text on my wife's phone.
It said, "Babe, I've sent you $300. Give your husband $100 and keep the rest for your sexy self."
I texted him back: "Hi, this is her husband. I never got my money. Please talk to her."

A teenager brings her new boyfriend home to meet her parents.

They’re appalled by his haircut, tattoos and piercings.

The boy leaves and the girl’s mom remarks, “Dear, he doesn’t seem to be a very nice boy.”

*“Oh, come on Mom! If he wasn’t nice, would he be doing 300 hours of community service?”*

300 popes walk into a bar...

No surprise the bar became quite pope-ulated.

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One of my favourite jokes from one of my favourite movies, Desperado. Originally delivered by my favourite director, Quentin Tarantino

This guy comes into a bar, walks up to the bartender. Says, "Bartender, I got me a bet for you. I'm gonna bet you $300 that I can piss into that glass over there and not spill a single, solitary drop." The bartender looks. I mean, we're talking, like, this glass is like a good ten feet away. He says...

What’s the difference between the USA and yogurt?

If you leave yogurt alone for 300 years, it develops a culture.

I just bought some £300 noise cancelling headphones for my wife.

But i can still hear her.

Today I donated my watch, phone, and $300 to a poor guy.

You wouldn’t believe the immense happiness and relief I felt as he slid the pistol back into his waistband.

A farmer had a prized bull. Bred 300 times a year.

The farmer's wife said "300 times, isn't that wonderful dear? Maybe you should watch him. Maybe he'll show you how." Farmer said "Yeah... he's a hell of a bull, but it wasn't all with the same cow."

A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, “Wanna hear a blonde joke?”

In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, you should know something, our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde, Im a 6’ tall, 200lb black belt, the guy sitting next to me is 6’2”, weighs 225, and he’s a rugby player, the fella on your right is 6’5” pushing 300 and...

Today the student debt crisis reached $1,696,047,300,123

Honored to be a part of something so huge!

I got a free iPhoneX, $300 cash and a camera

Its like this gun has magic

A ship with 300 Irish men sunk

But the newspapers a couple of days later, claimed 600 drowned.
Why?
The other 300 drowned in the re enactment.

What do you call 300 rabbits marching backwards?

A receding hare line.

They say Harriet Tubman escorted 300 slaves to freedom via the Underground Railroad...

If you do the math, that's only 180 people.

What do you call a 300 pound Green Bay Packer fan?

Anorexic

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We use 300 muscles to keep our balance when we stand

We use 300 muscles to keep our balance when we stand, The length of a penis is 3 times the length of the thumb the femur is as hard as concrete. A woman's heart beats faster then a man's.A woman has read this entire post..a man is stil lookin at his thumb

What do you call a 300 pound woman with a yeast infection?

A Whopper with cheese.

Did you hear Trump's limo driver got busted for possession of drugs?

They found over 300 pounds of dope in the back seat.

Anthony Fauci is giving the President his daily briefing.

He concludes by saying: ‘‘Yesterday, 300 Brazilians died of COVID.’’ ‘‘Oh no!’’ President Trump exclaims. ‘‘That’s terrible!’’ His staff are stunned at this uncharacteristic display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands. Finally, Trump looks up and asks: ‘‘How many is a...

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Three sailors are discussing their cargo

They are used to transporting goods and make a good living doing so, this time however they've been tasked with taking 300 boxes of penis shaped potatoes across the channel and they all think it's a joke.

"We'll be a laughing stock" says the first sailor.

"I'll never be able to live ...

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Sex burns 300 calories an hour.

After doing some extensive calculations, this year I burned roughly 5 calories.

I have an IQ of 300

I also have dyscalculia

BMW recalls 300,000 due to one safety hazard...

The drivers.

I swiped right on a girl without a picture, and we matched.

# So after a brief chat i went to go pick her up. I wasn't expecting much, probably 300 lbs with bad skin, but hey, I was so desperate it was this or join an incel chatroom.

I walked up to the door and lo and behold, 5'2", baby blue eyes, strawberry blonde hair, all the right curves in all th...

The most popular guy in school weighs over 300 pounds

People naturally gravitate towards him

romanian joke: 300 sailors and one woman get shipwrecked on an island

After one month, completely disgusted by what the sailors have been doing to her, the woman kills herself.

After another month, completely disgusted by what they did that month, the sailors decide to bury her.

After another month, completely disgusted by what they've been doing, th...

With the election coming up Tuesday, Exit polls show Donald Trump having a 300 point lead in one state...

Dementia.

Photons hit you at over 300,000,000,00 m/s, and yet you don't even flinch.

It must be because they're so light.

A wife tells her husband her underwear cost $300...

The husband screams "Three hundred dollars!? That's outrageous!" The wife says "Well you don't wrap a beautiful jewel in newspaper".

The husband replies "Yeah, but you don't gift wrap a dead beaver, either".

With a pile of 300 resumes on his desk and a need to pick someone quickly, my boss told me to make calls on 50 and toss the rest.

“Throw away 250 resumes?” I asked, shocked. “What if the best candidates are in there?”

He thought for a moment and said, *“You have a point but then again, I don’t need people with bad luck around here.”*

Recently a robber stole 300 cups worth of coffee beans

How does he sleep at night.

Jonesey bought a donkey from Brathwaite, an old farming partner for $300

Brathwaite agreed to deliver the donkey the following day.
One day later Brathwaite drove up and said;

“Sorry Jonesey, but I have some bad news, the donkey died.”
“Well give me back my money.” Said Jonesey.
“Worse news boy, I spent it already...”
“Ok then, give me the dead donke...

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Sex Shop Shenanigans

A guy started working in a sex shop. The boss said that he needed to leave for a while, and that the new guy would need to take care of the store until then. After a while with no customers, a white woman came in:
\- How much is that white vibrator?
\- 35 bucks.
\- And the black one? ...

If the Black Lives Matter movement had started 300 years ago...

it would have been called PETA

When I was in the army I got 300 recorded kills in six months.

Then they kicked me out of the catering corp.

I imagined the final strike. With a 300 point score, onlookers cheering my perfect game...

It was mind-bowling.

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As a 29 year old virgin, I hired a hooker today for $300. And have never been happier.

She said she’d do anything.

So guess who just got their college tuition paid

My friend told me he can think of over 300 Spanish names...

but I can only think of Juan.

A 300 pound Chinese businessman walks into an Italian buffet...

And proceeds to eat nonstop for hours. In a panic the head chef calls up his boss, the big bambino.

The chef says: "Boss! There's a large China man down here wolfin' down all da cannolis! I don't know what to do, and we've replaced the rigatoni 3 god damn times! Should I whack him?!?"
...

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Have you heard of the 300-lb. college student from Japan?

He graduated sumo cum laude

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Tony ambled into a bar, and noticed a bucket behind the counter filled to the brim with cash. "Is there a contest on to win that dough?" Tony asked the bartender. "Yep," the barkeep responded, "It costs $50 to enter, and then you have to do three things:

First you've got to knock out Spike, our 300-pound bouncer. Then we've got a pit bull out back with an abscessed tooth, and it's up to you to yank it out. Finally, the 90-year old lady who owns this place is upstairs. If you can give her a multiple-orgasm, all the money's yours."
Tony was up for ...

How do you get 300 drunk Canadians out of a pool?

You say "Please get out of the pool."

An explorer was hacking a path deep into an almost impenetrable rainforest.

After a few weeks, he stumbled across a large clearing in the trees.

Right in the middle of the clearing was a huge bull elephant, laying down on its side, motionless. As the explorer cautiously approached the elephant, he could see that it wasn’t breathing.

On closer inspection, the ...

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Why does an ejaculation contain 300 million sperm cells?

Men love to exaggerate.

Tell a man there are 300 Billion stars in the universe and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it...

... and he'll have to touch to be sure.

How do you get a 300 pound woman into bed?

piece of cake

A new CEO takes over at a struggling company and decides to get rid of all the slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. He can't believe this guy would just stand around on the job. The new CEO walks up to the guy leaning against the wall and asks, "What are you doing here?" "I'm just waiting to get paid," responds the man. Furious, the CEO asks "H...

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A husband and wife are checking out of a hotel

Receptionist: "That will be $400, sir"

Husband: "But we only stayed one night! Why is it so expensive???"

Receptionist: "We are a 5 star hotel, sir, with a world class private golf course and one of the finest spas in the country."

Husband: "But we didn't use the golf course, an...

What do you call a person who is 6’ 10” tall, 300 lbs and goes both ways?

Bi and large

My little brother just said my IQ is 0 and that he is 300,000 times smarter than me

300,000×0 = 0

"Have you ever cheated on me?"

An old married couple was sitting on a bench in a park. They have seen plenty of struggles and success in their long life together, and now were enjoying retirement.

"I have been faithful to you all these years, darling", the man continued, "I have sometimes wondered about your loyalty, but I...

The chances of a bomb being on your plane is one in 300 million, but the chances of two bombs being on your plane is one in 60 billion...

which is why, when I fly, I always carry a bomb.

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There's this Pimp and he's got 3 hos

This joke doesn't work when written, because there's elements of physical comedy involved. My intent is to teach you the joke and hope you use it well. Without further ado, here's the joke

There's this pimp and he's got 3 hos. He says to the first ho "Where's the 100 dollars you owe me" Sh...

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What's the difference between a 300.00 prostitute and a 100.00 prostitute

Enough to fuck the girl at the clinic and still get a test

"If you don't go out with me I'll jump off a 300-foot cliff."

"Sounds like a lot of bluff to me."

Photons from a rainbow hit you at almost 300 million m/s and you don’t even flinch

I guess they are pretty light

I got rid of 300 unnecessary lbs after 6 months.

The divorce papers are finalized today.

A 300 page novel with a 50 page introductory essay written by the author walks into a bar.

The bartender asks, "Why the long preface?"

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Luigi walks to work 20 blocks everyday and passes a shoe store twice everyday.

Each day he stops and looks in the window to admire the Armani leather shoes.

He wants those shoes so much...it's all he can think about.

After about 2 months he saves the price
of the shoes, $300, and purchases them.

Every Friday night the Italian community
holds a dance ...

A wife goes to her husband and says...

"My birthday is next week. I want something shiny and new that goes from 0 - 300 in 2 seconds."

So her husband bought her a bathroom scale.

What do a load of bricks and a 300 lb woman have in common?

At some point they'll both be laid by a Mexican.

What's the fastest way to go from 300 pounds to 140?

Convert to kilograms.

My Papa was a World War 2 Navy veteran and he use to boast about how he saved 300+ sailors from dying from an excruciating death

He shot the cook

I bet my butcher 300$ he couldn't reach the meat on the top shelves

He said "no way" i asked why? He said "the steaks are too high"

A woman complains to her neighbor that her husband is 300% impotent

Neighbor: A few days ago you told me 100%, not 300%.

Woman: Well, yesterday he fell down the stairs, broke his finger and bit his tongue.

A rancher went out to round up his 297 cows

He ended up with 300.

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Bob's wife was very mad at him for forgetting their anniversary...

At this point, she had enough of Bob's shit. "When I wake up tomorrow, I expect to see something shiny and silver that can go from 0-300 in under 4 seconds!" said the wife.



When she awoke the next morning, to her surprise she noticed a box with a bow in the garage. When she opened it ...

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A married couple is asleep when the phone rings at 3AM.

The wife answers it, and after a few seconds she replies, "How should I know? We're 300 miles inland."

The husband asks, "Who was that, dear?"

"I don't know. Some dumb bitch asking if the coast is clear."

2 pilots meet

300 people died

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon.

As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. Your duck...

I won 300 million dollars in the lottery and decided to donate a quarter of it to charity.

They sent me a letter saying "thank you for your 25 cent donation".

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Woman cheats on her husband

A woman is cheating on her husband and her husband comes home early. In a panic her lover hides in the closet. While hiding in the closet he hears a voice "Sure is dark in here."

The man panics and turns and finds a little boy. "What're you doing in here?"

"I like hiding, what were you...

A man came back from a long business trip to find that his son had a new $300 mountain bike.

"How'd you get that, son?"
"By hiking."
"Hiking?"
"Yeah, every night, Mom's boss came over and gave me $20 to take a hike."

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Money or Sex which one?

A woman preparing to leave her husband casually informs him, "I'm going to become a hooker. I can make $300 for what I give you for free." "I'm coming with you," the man replies. "I want to see you live on $600 a year."

What's the difference between a chick pea and a garbanzo bean?

I wouldn't pay $300 to have a garbanzo bean on my face.

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A man walks into a brothel

A man walks into a brothel one day and says to the woman: “I’m here to enjoy an evening with a young woman. Is this a fine establishment?”

The woman replies “oh absolutely! This is the finest establishment that you’ll find within a 300 mile radius!”

The man states “great! I have a 12 i...

Donald Trump, Queen Elizabeth II and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell.

Satan decides to let each of them to call their own countries, but at a cost. Queen Elizabeth speaks to the U.K Government for 30 minutes and pays 1 million dollars. Vladimir Putin speaks with the Russian Government for an hour and pays 2 million dollars. Donald Trump speaks with the American Govern...

A blonde, a brunette, and a ginger,

All three girls die at the same time and at the staircase to heaven the angel says "okay on every step is a joke and if you can go up all 1000 steps you will go to heaven but if you laugh you will go down to hell."

So the brunette says "sounds easy" but when she makes it's to the 100th step s...

Need help solving a joke with no punchline

In April 1998, Roger Ebert published his review of Paulie, a movie about a talking bird on a road trip. He wrapped up the essay with a joke he claims to have made up.

"On the other hand, just to be fair, I should mention that parrots make great subjects for jokes. I know about a dozen, includ...

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A man goes to a restaurant and sees a sign by the door

The sign reads: "Order anything you want, if we cannot make it, you get $300."
So, when the waiter comes he orders steamed elephant testicles with fried giraffe tongue on toast. The waiter goes to the kitchen and gives the cook the order. The kitchen staff is frantic and scrambles to find what ...

A guy died and his three friends all owed him $100 each

1st and 2nd friends both put $100 on his coffin and declared repayment even in death. 3rd guy wrote a check for $300 and took the $200 change.

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A guy meets a sex worker in a bar. She says, ‘This is your lucky night.

I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for $300 as long as you can say it in three words.’ The guy replies, ‘Hey, why not?’ He pulls his wallet out of his pocket and lays $300 on the bar, and says slowly. ‘Paint…my….house.’

My wife wanted to get into "role play" to spice things up in the bedroom

I asked what she had in mind.
"Let's play doctor", she said.

I told her to go in the bedroom, shut the door, take off all of her clothes and wait on the bed for me.

After a half an hour I walked in, told her to lose 20 lbs. and handed her a bill for $300.

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