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March Jokes

I asked my girlfriend when her birthday was and she said March 1st.

Been marching for half an hour now, and she still hasn’t told me.

There are some Russian soldiers marching

They hear a voice shout from over a hill,

“I bet one Ukrainian can beat ten Russians!”

The Russian sergeant, thinking that it would be easy, sent ten men over the hill to fight. They heard a fighting and noise. No Russian soldiers came back. After a minute they heard the voice again,...

From the year that brought you 8 months of March

Welcome to Tuesday Part 4.

Can February March?

No, but April May.

3/15 is The Ides of March. Do you know what time it officially starts?

“At two”

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If ya love Shakespeare then ya love a groaner. Enjoy!

The Soviet army is marching in Finland

They hear a voice from the other side of a hill: One Finnish soldier is better than ten Soviet soldiers. The Soviet general sends ten soldiers. There is some gunfire then everything is quiet again. The voice then says, one Finnish soldier is better than one hundred Soviet soldiers. The Soviet genera...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Australian Army Recruit sends home a letter...

Dear Ma & Pa,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin’ on the farm - tell them to get in quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don’t hafta get outta bed until 6 am. But...

On March 10th, 1876, Alexander Graham Bell made the first telephone call.

Moments later, he learned his auto warranty had expired.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

At the Tourettes Syndrome Protest March

"Whadda we want?"

"A cure for Tourettes!"

"When do we want it?"

"Cunt!"

It is 1939 and a Soviet army is marching on Finland

As they pass the border, they hear a Finnish voice over the hill -

"One Finnish soldier is better than 10 Soviet soldiers!"

The Soviet general laughs, as he sends 10 men on the hill to capture it.

There is gunfire for a minute and then everything goes silent for a moment, and th...

A man decided to march in the holy crusades...

Concluding that his wife should wear a chastity belt while he is gone, he locks up her nether regions and gives the key to his best friend. He tells him, “If I do not return within four years, unlock my wife and set her free to live a normal life.”

So, the husband leaves on horseback and abo...

A battalion of Russian soldiers were marching through Ukraine..

From behind a huge pile of rubble they hear a faint yell.

"One Ukrainian soldier can kill 10 Russian soldiers!"

The Russian colonel laughs, then sends 10 of his soldiers over the pile. After a short battle and the ensuing silence, another yell:

"One Ukrainian soldier can take ou...

If Will Smith is this angry in March

Just wait until August comes around.

Early last February this year, I learned that National Grammar Day is celebrated on March 4th; I was looking forward to celebrating with some friends of mine in Toledo, Ohio...

...I made the trip from Nevada by car; it was a wonderful celebration. My friends Jerry, Susan, and Cynthia organized a wonderful event consisting of a host of grammar related activities: proof-reading, sentence structuring, and more.

Susan also turned out to be a wonderful cook; she prepared...

March 2023, one year into the Ukraine war

A scowling man said to himself as he walked: No hamburgers, no coffee, not even toiletries...

At this time, police in plainclothes came over and whispered to him: I warn you, if you slander great Russia under Putin's leadership like this, I will hit you with a pistol on the head!

The...

Why is March through May the best time of the month to buy a mattresses?

It’s when they are the most springy.

One day an old Ukrainian man found an antique lamp

He starts it to polish it off and 'Poof', a genie appears in a cloud of smoke.

"Hoho, Mortal!" says the genie, stretching and yawning, "For releasing me I will grant you three wishes."

The old man thinks for a moment, and says, "I want Genghis Khan resurrected. I want him to re-...

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A father and his teenage son is walking through the pharmacy.

As they walk past the condom rack, the son notices they come in different packs. A pack of 3, a pack of 6, and a pack of 12.

"Dad, why are condoms sold in packs like that? Like, what's the 3-pack for?"

"Well Son, the different packs are for different men. The 3-pack is for college boys...

I have been working from home since March of last year.

I am an Uber driver.

I had the Funeral March set as the ringtone for when my mother-in-law rang my phone.

It worked seamlessly until she rang me by mistake when she was in our house.

Six Supreme Court justices, floating face-down in a river

All 6 conservative members of the SCOTUS got stranded in the woods with only a giant suitcase and a couple of paddles. Then they came to a raging river- it was fast-moving, wide and rocky but only waist deep. They began to bicker over how to get across. Kavanaugh, Thomas, and Gorsuch said "We are st...

A man walks into a bakery on March 14th

He orders some pie, the baker thinks its clever and gets him some pie. The next day the man comes back and says the pie was great and orders a different flavor. He does this every day for 350 days. The baker running out of ideas for flavors sees the man come in on Feb 27th.

He says, man look ...

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‘I was at that neo-nazi march today’ “was it any good?”

‘It was alt-right’

How do you earn karma on March 14 (3/14) when it isn’t your cake day?

Easy! Slice of pi.

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Tickle Me Elmo

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms. Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.
The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manage...

In order to support social distancing, the National Association for Celebacy has cancelled its March meeting.

Please share this message. They want to make sure nobody comes.

A man named Tenison March was filmed exiting the bureau of births, deaths and marriages.

Footage shows that seconds later, another man named “Samsung Galaxy-9 Jr” (formerly Allen Frank) was seen throwing wild punches at March.

March, an ex-Green Beret, was able to fend off the attack until police arrived on the scene to make an arrest.

Galaxy-9 has been charged with batter...

There was supposed to be a BLM march today with up to a million people

Although it's strange that I only count 600,000.

Can February March?

No, but April May. Joke credited to some nice older gentleman at my work today

China's national anthem is titled 'March of the Volunteers'

But most people are forced to sing it.

Top of the Billboard Chart, first week of March 2020

The Weeknd, "Can't Touch my Face"

I was a new Army basic trainee at Fort McClellan, and one requirement was a demanding 12-mile march. We got started at 6 a.m. and were pumped up for the trek.

An hour later, feeling the heavy load of our packs, we wondered if the end would ever come.

"Men," our sergeant yelled, "you're doing a fine job. We've already covered four miles!"

Revitalized, we picked up the pace.

"And," continued Sarge, "we should reach the starting point...

On March 27th, our math teacher burst into class and threatened to cancel Spring Break unless the one who's cheated on all their tests reveals themselves before next month

How are we supposed to catch a cheater in eight days?!

Why did the straight buffalo dad march in the pride parade? [OC]

To proudly support his Bison.

I joined a march today for the legalization of marijuana. Well, it started off as a march, but after a while...

...it turned into a wander.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was very undecided about attending the LGBT+ Pride march today and I ended up with a sore butt....

...It’s what I get for sitting on the fence!

Celebrate the Ides of March with a donut. In fact...

Eat two, Brute.

Did you hear about the Doctors' March?

We don't know what it was about, nobody could read the signs.

As a gesture of good faith, Trump and some of his former staff known to be white nationalists are trying to raise money for victims of the Charlottesville march by running in a charity race.

It's a 3K.

In protest, my friends and I are gonna march down to the city square dressed in trash that we picked up around the city...

...like litter-rally.

Did you know that in North Korea, the soldiers always march to the left?

That's because there are no rights.

I'm devastated that I won't be able to celebrate my birthday this March

I was born in November

There's a reason they call it "March Madness".

A Duke fan, a Kentucky fan, and a Tennessee fan are climbing a mountain and arguing about who loves their team the most.

The Tennessee fan insists that he is the most loyal and then yells “This is for the Vols!” and jumps off the mountain.

Not to be outdone, the UK fan next professes h...

Grindr got hacked in March of 2018.

Looks like someone found the back door.

I went to the march of dimes this weekend.

But they were all 6s at best.

How many Seconds are in a year?

12!

January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd, April 2nd, May 2nd, June 2nd, July 2nd, August 2nd, September 2nd, October 2nd, November 2nd, December 2nd.

I ran into R. Kelly while he was filling out a March Madness bracket.

He was picking primarily the 14s and 15s.

Turns out he’s really into #1 too.

Today, March 26th, is Epilepsy Awareness day.

So get on out there and seize the day!

Cruel March Madness Odds

If you want a sure thing in your men’s NCAA tournament pool, you’ll need to fill out the 9,223,372,036,854,775,808 brackets necessary to guarantee a winner. Just leave yourself *plenty* of time to finish them all*:* if you filled out one bracket every second it would take you 292 billion years to co...

I find it incredible that a man could raise an army, march them halfway round the known world...

...and still not know they were all named bloody Spartacus!

How do data march?

In formation.

The Test

This joke was told to me 20 years ago by a friend of my Dad’s.

The President of the USA decides to run an exercise to test the effectiveness of the CIA, the FBI and the LAPD with a simple task - a bunny rabbit will be let loose in a designated forest and he will send in one agency at a time ...

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Why Condoms comes in 3,6 and 12 Pack?

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, “What are these, Dad?”

To which the man matter-of-factly replies, “Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe $ex.”

“Oh, I see,” replied the boy pensively. ...

They are doing a new sequel to the movie “March of the Penguins”

They are calling it “April of the Penguins!”

Saw a woman in Walmart who had March Madness teeth this morning

She was down to her final 4!!!

A man marches to H.R. to complain that his paycheque is $50 short.

He arrives in the H.R. office and slams his paycheque on the desk.

"This is an outrage!"

The rep apologizes for the error, then begins to investigate the issue on her computer. Suddenly, she's smirking.

"Oh, I see. You're coming here to complain that we underpaid you by $50 thi...

I don't see why in this day and age there aren't marches against fat shaming

Because marches would definitely solve the problem.

Why is March woman's history month?

It's the only month that tells you what to do.

Will February March?

No, but April May :')

Sorry, IDK if this was posted before.

And yes, I know it's bad.

For the Ides of March...

Caesar walks into a bar, and tells the bartender "I'll have a martinus."

The bartender says "Don't you mean a martini, sire?"

Caesar scowls, and says "If I wanted a double I would have said so!"

I'm getting ready to go down to support the woman's march.

Just waiting on my wife to pack me a sandwich.

Someone should create a programming lànguage called 'March'...

...just so we could have IDEs for it.

Sunday, March 4, 2017:

World Chess Championship. The hotel hosts a gala event with food and drink in the hotel lobby. The semi finalists are mingling. The final two are bragging about their respective stratagems for the final match. The desk clerk asks them to hang around. Because we all love to hear.... Two Chess nuts, b...

What date is also a command?

March 4th.

Why were there only 1000 people at the Million Mexican March?

They only had 2 trucks.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Chinese general, an American Officer, and a random drunk asshole sit down in a bar and start to brag.

"If all our bombers were to be airborne at once," says the American, "you wouldn't be able to see any part of the sky".

"Hah" boasts the Chinese General, "if all our soldiers were to march at once, you wouldn't be able to see an inch of the ground."

The situation grows tense, and the d...

Why does England feel like it's two months ahead of us?

It's only March 28th here, but in England it feels like it's the end of May.

Did you here about the agoraphobia march?

No one showed up.

Did you hear about the March for Science?

It was held in April. Typical scientists.

The Women's March is organising a strike day where women won't do anything

Thank god I know how to make sandwiches

Three men are training to be Vladimir Putin's bodyguards

The training course is exhausting and incredibly challenging. On their last day of training, the instructor separates the three and and puts them in separate rooms, calling them one by one into the Presidential hallway.

"Sergeant Andreyev, come into the hallway."

"Yes, sir!" Andreyev ...

The way I see it, the March for Science has really turned out to be more of a parade for science puns than an actual protest.

And I'm totally Oxygen-Potassium with that.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I would participate in the climate march

But it's too hot.

With the ides of March around the corner

Remember to stab your salad 23 times

I organized a "Fat Lives Matter" march. We all got very tired...

I can't breathe.

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